The Black Sheep sist
Vol. 1, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
f er’ ree... s cr lik a p p e yo y h ur l all itt ow le een c an d
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10/31/13 - 11/13/13
Grand Valley Announces
New Construction Project to be relocated to Purgatory BY: T.J. Kimball
There’s a distinct hint of opportunity in the air as we sit with Caleb, a socially reserved senior in good academic standing. He beams a smile that projects the air of relief which Grand Valley’s latest construction project seems to have brought. “Finally, with Grand Valley’s move into the plane of ambiguity we know as the pure nothing, I can stop worrying about catching the bus. Now I simply need to sit in my room and meditate on my apathy. Once I’ve released all emotional attachment and become an empty husk of overused flesh, I suddenly find myself on Grand Valley’s campus. From there I can languidly ignore what few humans surround me, employing little more than the use of my headphones. Empty, abstract, and devoid of all thought and feelings; I feel purgatory is a prime new location.” Caleb’s not the only one who feels this way. According to the droned-out expressions of abysmal emptiness plastered on the faces of the student body, it seems purgatory is the perfect new location for Grand Valley’s main campus. Without all that pesky existence crowding the silence with the songs of life and movement, the soundless sulk between classes seems all the more fitting. Lakers have complained in the past that Allendale caused a ruckus, with the occasional tumbleweed or wind gust interrupting students’ lives of quiet desperation. Now, with all remaining scraps of passion silenced into a perma-
nent state of indifference, the students are free to march to class, march home, and twiddle their fleeting youths away staring at their dorm room walls. “I’m just happy all the excitement of Allendale will finally be scaled back,” Jennifer, a sophmore in the accounting program, explained to The Black Sheep. “The fear of human interaction can finally be put to rest. Think of all those moments I wasted in search of life’s depth. I mean, who has time to sit in total silence when there are corn fields to gawk at? All I ever wanted was for Allendale to be devoid of the human emotions that I myself am incapable of feeling. Now that we’ll be studying in limbo, I rest easily with the knowledge that meaningful introspection can be put on the shelf once and for all.” All this fits in with the history of the main campus. It’s true that in the past, Grand Valley was somewhat intimidating to incoming freshmen. Surveys taken at the end of fall semester found that students felt belittled by the massive expanse of life granted by experiences such as gorging on late-night curly fries or trudging the tremendous 20-minute distance to get across campus. While many chose Grand Valley to escape the hassles of waking up every morning, it seemed the nagging reality was that, despite Allendale’s conservatively reserved atmosphere, it still existed within the same material realm as the rest of existence. Now, add-
ing on to GVSU’s remarkable expanse of construction projects, there’s no more confusion. Grand Valley will exist in a different universe from the rest of humanity. “We’ll be sleeping well tonight,” Ryan, Jennifer’s father, summarized. “We know our daughter will be safely sterilized in the great abyss of apathetic resignation that is purgatory. We’d hoped to get this from Allendale, but we always harbored scraps of doubt over the fact that this was
a place human beings could geographically locate on a globe. Now that Jenny will be securely isolated from the rest of mankind, we can rest assured that she’ll be the exact same girl we dropped off four years ago. Thank God we’ll be able to preserve her innermost essence. The prospect of her growing into an independent and functional member of society was really starting to trouble us.” Jenny creased her lips behind her fa-
ther as he finishes up the conversation. Some might’ve mistaken this gesture for a frown, but, knowing she’s securely stagnated for the next 1095 days, it’s obviously just a momentary lapse of emotion escaping from her passionately youthful naivety. Luckily, Allendale knows just how to cure her of that. Grand Valley’s track record of care for its students, as shown through its various construction projects, will surely shine on for generations to come.
page 4
page 5
page 10
United States Holds Garage Sale
Top 10: Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Obama wants you to buy his old crap, but only because michelle is making him.
It’s okay if you need to let out a good cry.
peel your eyes away from the computer to say some words to that old man.
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