The Black Sheep sist
Vol. 1, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
f er’ ree... s cr lik a p p e yo y h ur l all itt ow le een c an d
y.
10/31/13 - 11/13/13
Grand Valley Announces
New Construction Project to be relocated to Purgatory BY: T.J. Kimball
There’s a distinct hint of opportunity in the air as we sit with Caleb, a socially reserved senior in good academic standing. He beams a smile that projects the air of relief which Grand Valley’s latest construction project seems to have brought. “Finally, with Grand Valley’s move into the plane of ambiguity we know as the pure nothing, I can stop worrying about catching the bus. Now I simply need to sit in my room and meditate on my apathy. Once I’ve released all emotional attachment and become an empty husk of overused flesh, I suddenly find myself on Grand Valley’s campus. From there I can languidly ignore what few humans surround me, employing little more than the use of my headphones. Empty, abstract, and devoid of all thought and feelings; I feel purgatory is a prime new location.” Caleb’s not the only one who feels this way. According to the droned-out expressions of abysmal emptiness plastered on the faces of the student body, it seems purgatory is the perfect new location for Grand Valley’s main campus. Without all that pesky existence crowding the silence with the songs of life and movement, the soundless sulk between classes seems all the more fitting. Lakers have complained in the past that Allendale caused a ruckus, with the occasional tumbleweed or wind gust interrupting students’ lives of quiet desperation. Now, with all remaining scraps of passion silenced into a perma-
nent state of indifference, the students are free to march to class, march home, and twiddle their fleeting youths away staring at their dorm room walls. “I’m just happy all the excitement of Allendale will finally be scaled back,” Jennifer, a sophmore in the accounting program, explained to The Black Sheep. “The fear of human interaction can finally be put to rest. Think of all those moments I wasted in search of life’s depth. I mean, who has time to sit in total silence when there are corn fields to gawk at? All I ever wanted was for Allendale to be devoid of the human emotions that I myself am incapable of feeling. Now that we’ll be studying in limbo, I rest easily with the knowledge that meaningful introspection can be put on the shelf once and for all.” All this fits in with the history of the main campus. It’s true that in the past, Grand Valley was somewhat intimidating to incoming freshmen. Surveys taken at the end of fall semester found that students felt belittled by the massive expanse of life granted by experiences such as gorging on late-night curly fries or trudging the tremendous 20-minute distance to get across campus. While many chose Grand Valley to escape the hassles of waking up every morning, it seemed the nagging reality was that, despite Allendale’s conservatively reserved atmosphere, it still existed within the same material realm as the rest of existence. Now, add-
ing on to GVSU’s remarkable expanse of construction projects, there’s no more confusion. Grand Valley will exist in a different universe from the rest of humanity. “We’ll be sleeping well tonight,” Ryan, Jennifer’s father, summarized. “We know our daughter will be safely sterilized in the great abyss of apathetic resignation that is purgatory. We’d hoped to get this from Allendale, but we always harbored scraps of doubt over the fact that this was
a place human beings could geographically locate on a globe. Now that Jenny will be securely isolated from the rest of mankind, we can rest assured that she’ll be the exact same girl we dropped off four years ago. Thank God we’ll be able to preserve her innermost essence. The prospect of her growing into an independent and functional member of society was really starting to trouble us.” Jenny creased her lips behind her fa-
ther as he finishes up the conversation. Some might’ve mistaken this gesture for a frown, but, knowing she’s securely stagnated for the next 1095 days, it’s obviously just a momentary lapse of emotion escaping from her passionately youthful naivety. Luckily, Allendale knows just how to cure her of that. Grand Valley’s track record of care for its students, as shown through its various construction projects, will surely shine on for generations to come.
page 4
page 5
page 10
United States Holds Garage Sale
Top 10: Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt
an Intervention for your anti-technology professor
Obama wants you to buy his old crap, but only because michelle is making him.
It’s okay if you need to let out a good cry.
peel your eyes away from the computer to say some words to that old man.
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @TheBlackSheepGV and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain.
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United States has Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: black sheep staff
Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy? There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends. From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Arch of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect the dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by James Garfield. There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms. But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be carried throughout various weekends where you can buy a one thousand dollar ticket for your chances to
win any of the following: Hilary Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more. There will also be a million dollar ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of one thousand dollars will also receive a free five hundred dollar deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden. All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time Lemonade. Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.” The official start date of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.
An open letter to the poor soul hacking up a lung in the Mary Idema Pew Library
The
Ways to Succumb to Your Crippling College Debt
Top
Ten
By: black sheep staff Most of us have to face this reality: we’re going to be paying for our college debt for the rest of our lives. It’s cool, everybody does it. Nothing to be alarmed about. But you should go into this knowing that, once you pick a school, you’re just another cash cow in the herd. Perhaps it’s best to just give in and never have to worry about paying those bills. At least, that’s what we think, and so we’ve made this list for you. It’s a list that teaches you how to truly succumb to your college debt, giving you the ability to owe them money forever.
By: Betsy Martin
10.) Find a Nice Corner to Cry in: You’re gonna want a good, 90 degree corner if you can get it; a clean right angle. Optimal weeping location. While you bawl, it would be even better if you could surround yourself with useless college memorabilia, i.e. the ridiculous $25 hat you wore to, like, one football game, your Guy Harvey shirts, and that sweet lanyard you got as a freshman.
First off, may I inquire about your overall wellbeing? How are you? Are you comfortable? Have the new chairs received the adequate amount of butt pressure to reach that perfect state of broken-in? You sure do have a case of whooping cough. Do you need tissues, water, a cough drop? No, really, I’m not being generous. I’m trying to get you to admit that you’ve officially entered into the last phase of your life, judging by the obscene guttural coughs issuing from your corner of the 3rd floor.
death’s door would prefer you to leave this newly erected sanctuary of silence so that we may hum along to the sweet nothings and delicate whispers of the air filtration system, rather than witness the startling sounds of your soul escaping your body. I’m beginning to think holy intervention is in order. Or should we rally the nursing students? They’ll spine board you in a heartbeat while simultaneously complaining about the absurd costs of their stethoscopes and blood pressure cuffs.
9.) Collect Cats: ‘Cause when you’re surrounded by cats, you’re no longer the worst thing in the room. Sure, maybe all that money you owe the institutions is bringing you down, but at least you’re not as bad as cats. That should cheer you up a bit. Remember, those cats ain’t paying the bills. No, no, no, you pay the cats. What with the housing, food, and funny mice being thrown their way, that’s money not being spent paying off your college debt! And the cats won’t ever thank you. They truly believe they are better than you. Your goal of never paying off your loans just got a little bit easier.
That bright light is not the Clock Tower, it’s your impending doom. Go towards the light! Those cheery bells echoing out across the Lake buildings, the lush grasses and majestic turning trees of the Arboretum are not ringing in a new hour. It is your death toll resounding from Heaven. Answer the call, dear soul. You’ll save the rest of us busy bees a lot of awkward questions when your body is found in the reference section wedged between two stacks of American lit anthologies. Your affliction is one belch away from motivating your peers to callously desecrate the books of our homeland just to get some peace and quiet.
I don’t want this to be the end for you. My sympathies go out to you in your fragile state. But good god, this is madness. When I left the war-zone that is my apartment for the refuge of the library I expected monasteryesque tranquility. I craved the hushed sounds of pages turning, of subdued keys clacking, the muffled footsteps of wiser folk who understand that if you’re deathly ill you should hole yourself up in a blanket bomb shelter and commit to a weekend marathon of How I Met Your Mother.
7.) Burn All Your Money: Yep, never gonna pay off that college now, but we all know that wasn’t going to happen anyway. This was the best use of that money. Super cathartic.
A trifling cough you say? A tickle in your throat? I am legitimately worried that you will soon keel over and approach rigor mortis as I study for my stats exam. I’d call that more than a trifle. A candlelit vigil is already been planned in your honor; you’ve reached wrecking-ball-sized fame fifteen minutes into your life-threatening episode. #coalminerlungs is trending on Twitter. #mycondolensces. If it feels like fifty French maids are featherdusting your windpipes, causing you to heave coughs with such volatile force, you should probably pack up your humble Trapper Keeper and exit the premises with as much grace as you can muster. Those of us who are not on
I’d rather not witness a violent death that will inevitably scar me for life – at least not until the series finale of Grey’s Anatomy. After that sobfest comes to a close the Lord can take both you and I at any time of His pleasing. Do the world a favor and invest in some cough drops. I hear tea does wonders for the larynx. Maybe some soup and a Snuggie. Zebra-print if you’d like; go crazy. I’m sure you and all other weary-eyed GV students are threatening to hibernate at the approach of winter before we’re swallowed up in the lake-effect. All we require is peace and quiet. My waffling stats grade thanks you. Sincerely, Anonymous
8.) Start a Family: Similar to #9, but instead of just dragging cats down with you into that dark, moneyless pit, you’re actually bringing along fellow human beings! Like the things with dreams and aspirations and stuff – you know, the stuff you had before college debt. We’d recommend not bringing others into this world solely so they could inherit your massive debt, but everybody has their vices. No judgment here.
6.) Get Addicted to Häagen-Dazs®: Ice cream is the ultimate comfort food. Fake Danish ice cream is basically rapture. Take advantage of the stupid amount of money you don’t have and plunge yourself further into debt. Buy some ice cream and get gorging. You’ll simultaneously feel like absolute garbage and the idea of hedonism condensed into a human shape. 5.) Acquire a Taste for Simple Plan: An anthemic rendition of “I’m just a kid, I know that it’s not fair!” will do wonders for you. And then remind you of the unfeeling, remorseless environment that is the world. Thanks, Pierre. 4.) Embrace Nihilism: Nihilism, the philosophy that defined a generation, is going to help you through these trying times. Well, not really. Nihilism does a very good job of just letting you ignore certain responsibilities. Say someone confronted you for not paying back your loans. You could just retort that the morality attached with paying certain dues is a futile construct of man’s inherent greed. Duh. This wouldn’t do anything about the debt, but you’d be that much crazier. 3.) Tell Everyone You Know that College Is for Suckers: Like in those cigarette ads. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did, kid,” you’d say. “School ruined me for the rest of my life. Stick to your music career.” 2.) Apply for Grad School: Well, now you’ve gone and done it. Way to get yourself back into the loop. At this point, the college has really won. You can just imagine them wringing their hands together, like flies around a money carcass. The flow of revenue you’d be providing them will be stupendous. 1.) Sleep: Forever. Sleep doesn’t judge you. Sleep is your friend. If you sleep enough, perhaps the debt will go away. Yeah. Yeah, maybe. But no. No way it’s that easy. And you’re in for a rude awakening.
05
Around campus Tweet your pictures using #GVPartyPics to @Theblacksheepgv
on the Streets If you could be in any movie and replace any character, what movie would you be in, and who would you be?
an Jon, Freshm
“Mark Wahlberg in The Other Guys when he’s with Will Ferrell and they drive the Prius into a crime scene. Cocaine everywhere!”
o m o re Lewis, Soph
“Alex Owens dancing to ‘She’s a Maniac’ in the movie Flashdance! I can see it now, dancin’, just me and my butt!”
o p h o m o re Sebastian, S
“Al Pacino in Scarface, definitely the scene when he’s all ‘Say hello to my little friend!’”
06
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
Thursday
$0.55 Wings & $3.99 Long Islands For All NFL & NCAA Games: $2 Bud Light Drafts $3.25 Sam Adams Drafts $10.99 Bucket of 20 Wings $7.99 Lumberjack Burger
$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings
$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)
Friday
$6.99 Mombo Fruit Daiquiris
Karaoke 9:30-close
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Saturday
$7.99 32oz. Brann’s Trash Can
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Sunday
$3.99 Absolut Bloody Mary Bar Includes Absolut, Absolut Peppar or Absolut Citron
Pool Tournaments
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Monday
Monday Night Football! $5.99 Burger & Draft Combo (kickoff through the final whistle) $3.50 Craft Bottles
$6 Burger & Brew
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Tuesday
55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $3.50 You-Call-It Flavored Vodkas
35 Cent Wings, College Night
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
All Pizzas $10
Flip Night: 3pm-10pm We will flip a coin for your tab! Beer and food both included! Heads you pay, tails we pay. (see in store for details)
SPECIAL NIGHT
Wednesday
OCTOBER Beer of the Month New Holland’s Ichabod Pumpkin Ale $4.89 20 oz. Draft
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SPECIAL NIGHT
LIVE MUSIC 7-10pm Drink Specials $3 calls 9pm-close
9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters
$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles
Thursday
3 Floor Friday! Upstairs: $5 Corona and Tequila Shot | Main: $5 Highlight and Whiskey Shot Basement: $5 PBR and Jager Shot
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 and $4 DRINK Specials 9pm-close
9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails
$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers
Friday
Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30
Happy Hour 12-8pm $3 and $4 SHOT Specials 9pm-close
Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers
$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts
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$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
Monday
$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots
Highlife Tuesdays 9pm-close! $1.50 Highlife Beer $1 Highlife Shot
9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
Tuesday
Happy Hour 12-8pm OPEN MIC NIGHT $3 Bacardi & Coke
9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers
TRIVIA NIGHT! Grab your nerdiest friends and test your smarts to win a GIFTCARD! Starting at 9pm and 10pm $4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts
Wednesday
WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
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Stage an Intervention for
the Anti-Technology Professor By: black sheep staff We all have that one professor who simply refuses to take time to learn how to use the interwebs. He never uses PowerPoint during lectures, and he refuses to accept anything other than hard copies of assignments. It’s jacking up your educational aura, and giving you carpal tunnel like a mother. Something must be done. When you stage an intervention for your stuck-in-the-sixties prof, you may notice that he goes through stages almost identical to those of grief and loss. The Black Sheep has done some “research” (read: asked our psych major roommate). Here’s how to talk your professor down from the ledge, and edge him into the 21st century. Denial: This is the stage where your professor will make the most excuses. “I don’t have time to set up Blackboard.” “My current method works just fine.”“It’s your fault if you can’t handle my class structure, and are too ingrained in shaky technology.” Your professor is going to
absolutely refuse to hear you out, so your best option is to speak gently but firmly. Tell your professor that it’s expensive to print (unless you’re an English major, but don’t tell them that). Tell him that the paper grade book he’s using is taking up time that he could spend doing something else, like telling his wife he loves her before he sooner-than-later bites the dust, or just grading that quiz we took six weeks ago. Anger: At this point your professor is ready to fail you. “I learned statistics with an abacus and wooden graphite sticks, so why can’t you!” he’ll scream. You have to be extra patient because your GPA hangs in the balance. It’s important to remember that the anger is just a defense mechanism and it’s perfectly natural. Expect to hear a lot of excuses like his poor, deflated little eyes can’t read a computer. The key is to take the non-confrontational approach. Show as much empathy as you can muster. Bargaining: So your professor has finally
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let go of that deep-seated rage. He wants to negotiate and you may be tempted to accept the extra credit he offers you to leave his office. DON’T DO IT. The class is becoming unbearable. You’ll only enable your professor if you back down now. “Please, just give me a few more years. I promise I’ll change later.” Your professor is just this side of desperate. Try to ease him into the idea by bargaining back. “Professor, what if you just have a look at Blackboard? No pressure, just click around for a bit. See how easy and organized it is. Yes, yyyessss, see? Feels good, real good huh?” Depression: Don’t be alarmed if your professor cancels your next class. He’ll be posted up in bed, wiping his tears with his tenure checks. No big deal. This is all a part of the process. You somehow managed to talk him into setting up Blackboard and now he’s hugging his old grade book to his chest. He loved that thing, and now feels like a sellout, a number. Your first assignment is a discussion board response on “why technology
has ruined your life.” It’s not a very subtle but your professor is still heavily grieving. Acceptance: It’s been a few weeks and so far things seem to be okay. Your seasoned professor is coming to terms with
the fact that technology is changing the education system that he loves. It’s an ongoing process but at least you don’t have to borrow your roommate’s printer anymore, or worse: hand writing your assignments. Gag.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship
What is nature’s sexiest animal?: I’m a dancer, so a flamingo!
Major: Biology
What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: Textbooks for school... dumb.
Favorite Drink: Gin and tonic Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Sambuca... it’s basically black licorice in liquid form. A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile and giggle! So cute! What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Any 80s horror movie, they’re so horribly funny.
Joanna of Joey’s Tavern
Drinking Game
How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: I’d play pranks on people by leaving mounds of pennies places or host crazy penny contests.
If you had to have a nickname that involved a type of food what would your nickname be?: Pretzel! What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: I had an expander in grade school, and it gave me this gap between my two front teeth, so all of my school pictures were just so bad. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because who doesn’t love to laugh?! People are too serious!
Recipe for disaster
Pigskins and Puke
Day of the Dead Deep Fry
With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.
Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.
What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.
What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.
How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table.
Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face.
The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.
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Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014
it
Yo H h e er a u e rd
fi rs t!
TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics?
By :B & r qu e n in d n an
We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a wellequipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.
The Black Sheep predicts the
The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s postfight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.
2014 NCAA All Americans:
First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)
Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
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m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.
Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax
Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher
Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe
Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.
Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”
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