GVSU SPRING ISSUE 5

Volume 4

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Lik in ye the g our ree bee n r!

Issue 5

Diary of a Drunk On St. Patrick’s Day Teresa Williams wrote this

6:35 p.m.: Eleanor invited me out to Ionia for St. Paddy’s Day, and I know I shouldn’t go. It’s a Tuesday night. I have classes and work tomorrow, and I don’t really like her other friends.

6:41 p.m.: But getting drunk sounds like a lot of fun. Plus the 1.45743% Irish in me would be totally disappointed if I didn’t.

7:02 p.m.: Driving to Eleanor’s to meet up with her and her shitty friends. As long as I can get drunk, I can probably pretend they don’t exist.

8:27 p.m.: Eleanor’s friends still suck, but at least they have good taste in bars. The music is loud enough that I don’t have to actually listen to what they’re saying, and the alcohol is only kind of expensive.

9:31 p.m.: I’ve eben pinched TOO MANY TIMES in the last hour because If orgot to wear green. I swear to God, I might hitthe next person who touches me.

10:59 p.m.: Some weird bro brought a bunch of Ping-Pong balls, so now weere setting up to play beer pong. I’m not playin’ cuz my aim is shitty when sober, and I’ve had at least three shots. Or like 4. Fiiiiiive.

11:26 p.m.: I AM A BEER PING CHAMP—who needs academices when you’ven got mad skills liek these? I’M going to seek this out as a career.HAVE YOU SEEN ELNOR I HAVEN’T. 11:56 p.m.: I almsot got all of us kicked out of tje bar ebcaseu I actually idd hit the nxet person to pinch me…ta least he’s pretty chili abot it though. The bartender hates me now. HE’S THE BUTTTOUCHER. MY BUTT. TOUCHED. BY THE TOUCHER. The butttoucher. Three T’s is enough for that word I THINK, yep.

12:47 a.m.: Eleanor is?? Someowhere. I’m pretty sure. Probably dancign. Maybe. I’ve tried to get up and find her, but walking = no. No no no no.

1:12 a.m.: I love everyone in this palace. Palce. Place. PLACE. I love Eleanor (I foudn her next to I love the bartender even though she cut me off. I love the dude peeing in the corner. I loooooove the guy I punched. Nice hair guy. I even loev Elnor’s terrible friends.

I’m never gonig to leave. EVER. OK? K. VIVA LA DRINKING ON TUESDAY.

not an “o?” Thooooooo Joshwasn’t hpapy when I called for a ride (he saus I’m?? unintell-something, idk, words are hard), but he’s a gem and got us anyway. He won’t let me or Eleanor shut the windwos. He’s afraid we’ll barf all over his seats. What;ver guy. I’m just gonna byeeeeee.

12:56 p.m.: I have class in like a half hour, and I’m going to die.

Everything hurts, and my professor will probably quiz us today on a reading I didn’t do.

I’ve made a terrible mistake.

1:34 a.m.: The bartender made us leave becuase she’s mean and hates peopple’s happieness.I’m flipping heroff but shhhhHHh don’t tell.

1:30 p.m.: I’m awake and in class, but at what cost? What have I sacrificed in order to be here?

Eleanor isn’t here. I knew she wouldn’t be.

3:36 a.m.: Did you know buses to GV stop running at two in theh mring even on weekends? BOOO YOU WHOOOREEE. I fell. Elnor help me up though. Though is weird y’s there a “gh”

2:45 p.m.: Good news: no quiz. Bad news: there was a paper due.

At least this professor’s apathetic enough that I didn’t get a disappointed look when I had nothing to turn in.

PAGE 5

PAGE 7

PAGE 12-13

TOP 10: WAYS TO KILL YOUR HANGOVER

THE ABCS OF COLLEGE: M - P EDITION

THE DRUNK SUBCULTURES ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY

YOUR PROBABLY GOING TO NEED THIS AFTER ST. PATRICK’S DAY...

THIS TIME WE COVER EVERYTHING FROM HAVING A MELTDOWN TO GETTING A PARKING SPOT. AND NUDES, OF COURSE.

WE RUN DOWN THE 15 DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET ON THE BEST DAY IN MARCH.

FOLLOW US @THEBLACKSHEEPGV

MARCH 12TH, 2015 - MARCH 26TH, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

STREET TEAM MANAGER Jes Hamlin

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Logan Bailey | Abigail Dewstow Dylan Hancook |Julie Nichols Jeff Perry | Shardae Rudel Alison Tazelaar | Teresa Williams

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER John Tibbitts

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

FOLLOW US! @THEBLACKSHEEPGV • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

RESUMADE UP When someone blatantly lies on their resume in hopes of landing a job.

BLACKTHORNE SHORE

15 years of marketing experience? Olympic juggler and The President of Cheesy Potatoes? You resumade all this up, Kenneth!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz?

Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

HELP ME!

Student Blames Poor Midterms on Masturbation Cycle Dylan Hancook wrote this

Being a college student requires long, hard hours with perfectly erected schedules, unless you wanted to get shafted by the university.

According to GVSU student, Tyler Nardone, this even includes strategic planning of when to work the willy, choke the chicken, or spit-shine the ol’ water pump.

Nardone was tragically derailed off his strict “me time” schedule several times before midterms, which he ultimately blames for his poor academic performance. “Tuesdays and Thursdays are reserved from 7-7:30 a.m.” Nardone told us, “Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the same, but with the addition of 11:30-noon. Weekends are like Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, with a half hour thrown in around 10 p.m. I reach maximum work capabilities and concentration right after I wax the brass candlestick. I haven’t missed my schedule since the great ‘double hand cramp’ of ’09.”

Unfortunately at 7:05 a.m. last Tuesday, Nardone received a phone call from his grandmother asking about his girlfriend (who clearly doesn’t exist). At 7:20, Nardone hastily tried to salvage his lost time before taking his midterm, but was distracted when his roommate knocked on his door asking if he’d seen his Batman wallet. “I

was pissed,” Nardone said with a sigh, “you can’t mess with tradition.” Nardone then, with a painful struggle, went to take his physics exam with a case of self-induced blue balls.

After the exam, he lamented over what went wrong. “I swear I studied, but I might as well have turned in my exam blank that day. My balls hurt so bad, it was throwing off my A-game.”

Nardone decided to invest in a “do not disturb” sign and began turning off his phone during his pre-allotted meetings with Mr. Meat.

Confident that his newly-employed happy time protocol would suffice, Nardone approached his Wednesday sessions with a renewed vigor: “I was hoping I could get back in the groove of things without a hitch. I even stayed up late Tuesday night making a spank playlist.” But halfway into tickling his trumpet, the fire alarm went off and he was once again forced to abort. Nardone went on to fail his 2nd midterm on Wednesday, claiming that if he had flogged the dolphin then the hot girl sitting next him wouldn’t have been such a distraction. “Unbelievable,” Nardone said of the test, “how am I supposed to concentrate on organic chemistry when I’m as hard as a teenager with a fast internet connection?”

Having one exam left, Nardone was determined to jerk the gherkin by any means necessary.

Between classes he rushed home and prepared for his long-awaited date with Palmela Handerson. Moments in, he experienced a severe leg cramp. Nardone powered through, “Not this time,” he yelled aloud to himself. After several more minutes of holding his sausage hostage, Nardone was left feeling satisfied.

Sadly, he had to spend an extra 15 minutes on cleanup time and arrived halfway through the

next exam. “This never would have happened if I could’ve kept to the schedule!” claimed Nardone.

Tyler Nadone has since decided to drop all his classes and restructure his life. *Editor’s note* If you suffer from excessive habits of punchin’ the munchkin’, or butterin’ the corn to porn and would like to seek help please contact the masturbation hotline at 1-800-NO-HANDS. Make your life a more productive one today. Standard carrier rates may apply.

GVSU to Expand Rec Center With New Bathroom; Completion Expected in August 2016 Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen wrote this

Look out, students! Our university has set its eyes on expanding again. The new target for expansion?

The Rec Center. In light of the extreme lack of suitable bathrooms, Grand Valley has decided that the best investment they could make would be a new toilet. Not a new pool or basketball court, but a good old place to put poo.

The bathroom will have one stall, one sink, and one trash can and will be built conveniently next to the trophies. This will give students quick access to a bathroom in the case of pre-workout poops. The toilet will be a brand-new, state-of–the-art, water-free toilet that’s in line with the green initiative taking place on campus. The trashcan will be compost-only and the sink will be water-free to completely eliminate the carbon footprint of the new expansion.

Students have already taken to social media with their excitement over the new expansion. Twitter user “420Swagmeister69” proclaimed that he was going to be first in line at the new bathroom to “break it in.” An anonymous poster on Yik Yak proclaimed their excitement by stating: “I’m so ready for this expansion; I’ve been pooping in the corner for far too long!”

GVSU administrators claim that the need of a bathroom far outweighed the need of a new facility expansion such as a pool. “We are looking to please the students by building facilities that they need,” President T. Haas said at a press conference last week.“ And what they truly wanted more than a pool, a snack shop, a decrease in tuition was a single bathroom. Our students told us their needs, we pretended to listen, and we were obliged to help.”

The projected cost of this 25-square-feet expansion has been estimated at just over $500,000. A projected increase of tuition has been forecasted as $1,000 per student to help cover the costs that could not be covered via fund-raising. This tuition increase will affect all students, regardless of whether they are going to be in school at the bathroom’s completion, much like the current science building fiasco.

After hearing about the expected increase in tuition, students were less than eager to support this new expansion. GVSU sophomore Elisha Issacs, angrily happily proclaimed: “There is no good reason that we should all have to pay for this expansion, this whole thing totally blows [me away].”

The new wizz palace is expected to be completed by August 2016. Until then, the entire north wing of the Rec Center will be closed during construction, but it’s a sacrifice that GVSU is happy make.

Freshman Bill Joseph proudly proclaimed: “This is the kind of bullshit [stuff ] they warned me about before I came here. But I was [happy to spend] stupid and came anyway. This place is just going to piss away my money on crap it doesn’t need and there’s nothing I can do about it.[not wait for the new bathroom to be built!]”

HI THERE

THE TOP TEN

WAYS TO KILL YOUR HANGOVER Forget Bloody Marys, The Black Sheep has the best until-this-day-unknown ways of eliminating hangovers. Perfect for St. Paddy’s Day, these cures are proven (to us) to be fast and effective, so you can start drinking again and forgo any possibility of learning from your mistakes.

Letter to the Editor: Laker for a Lifetime Shardae Rudel wrote this

Dear Editor, My name is Kyle Fitzpatrick and I have a bone to pick with you. Recently, I’ve noticed that some of your articles are making Laker pride look super uncool and nerdy. What the hell, dudes? As president of Alpha Sigma Sigma, I can rightfully say that is bullshit. Nerdy is sitting on your couch, watching Doctor What and crying yourself to sleep with a life-size body pillow of some hentai chick. Being a Laker for a Lifetime is the exact opposite of that and the epitome of awesome. Being a Laker is like being the captain of your high school football team, student body president, and a helluva-lady-killer all in one. The trifecta, bro. The trifecta.

GVSU is super-rad for letting us have this freaking sweet title, okay? Do you even know how lucky we are to be going here? GV is literally the best in the Midwest. Can’t you turds read the signs? Probably not. Turds can’t read.

You ass wipes keep going on and on about what a major suckville Allendale is and how difficult it is to live here. To that I say, what’s not to love about going to school here? Take this winter, for example: it looks like a freaking winter wonderland 24/7. It’s filled with not only glittering snow angels, but also ice patches on Lake Michigan Drive for spontaneous ice-skating parties. To top it all off, the grey clouds act as a shield against that heinous sun so those of us who forgot our sunglasses at home don’t go blind.

Being a Laker for a Lifetime is more than just a catchy hashtag. It’s a privilege. They even have a Laker for a Lifetime Platinum Club for the awesome bros who actually care about this place.

The lady I talked to at the Student Life Center said it looks freaking awesome on job applications, so obviously I forked over the measly $100 application fee.

But you bottom-dwellers have probably never heard of the Platinum Club. You’re seriously missing out, bruh. Like everything GVSU does as an institution, it oozes intelligence and class.

When I was initiated, there was this ornate ceremony in an undisclosed location in Grand Rapids. Like, don’t even bother asking where it is; no turds allowed. Anyway, they lit a few candles, I got a tattoo of the GV symbol on my ass, and I signed some contract. I had to sign it in blood, though. They say it’s to make sure you bleed Laker blue. I mean, it makes sense, so I didn’t question it. Laker for a Lifetime, bitches.

So as you can see, being a Laker for a Lifetime is serious business. As a member of the Platinum Club, I feel it’s my duty to educate you nerds and your readers, who seem to be in a weird state of denial of GV’s awesomeness. We are all Lakers for a Lifetime and should think of ourselves as such when talking about our supreme leaders and fellow campus advocates who dedicate a lot of time and energy to the school. Hail to thee, Grand Valley!

Regards, Kyle Fitzpatrick Laker for a Lifetime Platinum Member

10.) Drink Fluids: Any fluids work to clean your system, not just plain, old water. Suggestions: hydrogenated snake venom, Sunny D, high fructose corn syrup, tears from your last mental break down, melted yellow snow, lighter fluid, and coffee.

9.) Imitate The Cross Walk Voice: Walk sign is now on… Calder Drive. We’ve all heard it on the corner of The Connection; now use it to your advantage and fight hangovers. Hangovers find the robot voice soothing, so if you can’t kill your hangover, you can keep it from getting angry.

8.) Hang A Limb Over The Side Of Your Bed: This one is a secret amongst celebrity circles. Kanye swears that dangling a leg off of your bed will make any hangover jealous. By making sure your headache isn’t the only thing “hanging over” something, your hangover will become jealous, confused, and will leave in frustration.

7.) Watch The Hangover Backwards: If you watch this movie the way it was intended, it’ll only piss off your hangover. However, playing the film backwards calms the hangover, eases pain, and elevates your consciousness.

6.) Eat A Bunch Of Mayonnaise: Mayo is a super food when it comes to fighting the morning after. Fat soaks up any residual embarrassment left over from the night before. So shovel down some Hellmann’s, forget your attempts at karaoke, and feel better.

5.) Get High: If you paid attention during 8th grade health class, you know about the importance of mixing depressants and stimulants. Try blazing to get rid of that headache. At the very least, you’ll be more willing to eat all that mayo.

4.) Reenact the Movie Titanic: Jack, Rose, and you! Find someone willing to pretend they’re king of the world and watch your hangover freeze like Jack at the end of the movie. This remedy works because the mind becomes fried as it tries to understand why Jack and Rose couldn’t both share the door and survive.

3.) Call A Relative: Hangovers hate that awkward phone call home as much as anyone else. You could probably stomach a talk about osteoporosis and Jesus with your Great Aunt Geraldine, but no way would your hangover survive the call.

2.) Listen To Some Smooth Jazz: Take a note from your aging father and put on some jazzy tunes. Nothing will make your hangover want to leave more than being pretentious. If it sticks around after the first couple Miles Davis songs, just talk loudly about how jazz today isn’t as good as it used to be.

1.) Get Someone To Punch You In The Face: Something about being unconscious really takes a hangover away; and it’s really low-maintenance.

Just be really annoying in a public place and wait for someone to conk you upside the head. It’s that simple.

Julie Nichols wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

ON THE STREETS

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU DURING SPRING BREAK OF LAST YEAR?

CARLY BYAM

“I was in Mexico, and the best thing that happened to me was taking tequila shots with my Mom and I got a glorious sunburn that my friends now have set as their phone background to taunt me.”

MORGAN CUMMINGS

“There was a super-attractive guy at this restaurant and my friend and I went back to the restaurant three times just to see him. Plus they had fantastic lasagna.”

JOEY PARKS

“Last year, the best part of spring break was seeing a Second City comedy show, and then hiding out in a Starbucks directly after to escape crazy homeless people.”

06

PRO TIPS

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

We’re back again in hopes of making your lives easier, or at least a little more interesting. We’ll be covering M-P this time. That’s, like, halfway through the alphabet. Don’t say elementary school didn’t teach anyone anything.

How to Avoid a Meltdown: You’ve had a relatively good week so far, maybe you’re upset about the bad grade or someone ate the last bowl of broccoli cheese soup. Whatever the cause, The Black Sheep is here to help you avoid melting into a puddle on the floor. Take a deep breath. Let out the loudest most heart-wrenching scream you can muster. You may want to sink to your knees, or throw your head back for dramatic effect. If you’re in public, IMAGINE you did those things and instead bottle up your feelings inside for later. When do you open the bottle of feelings? If you’re Irish, you hold onto them until you die.

If you have a “healthy” relationship with your emotions, maybe you’ll just cry in the shower later...

How to get Nudes: Just about anyone wants to see the object of their affection in their birthday suit, but how do you ask for nudes without coming off as a total creepazoid? You don’t want to send one first. Trust us, this may seem like an opportunity to “level the playing field,” but receiving an unsolicited nude is jarring and almost always unappreciated. The best way to get your honey to send some sultry selfies is by texting to-be nude and boosting their self-esteem. Compliment them, and be genuine. Maybe you really think they have sexy collar bones, or a pretty tummy. Tell them how much you like it, and how you think about it a lot. Maybe, just maybe, they’ll send you something sexy. Or you can always Snapcash if you don’t have time to schmooze.

How to get Over a Break Up: Whether you broke it off or they did, break ups are terrible. There are hurt feelings, possible desire for vengeance or crippling feelings of regret. The point is, you broke up for a reason. Time to move on. The Black Sheep suggests only wallowing in self-pity and misery for a maximum of three days.

After that, you need to change your damn underwear, shower, and turn off Dirty Dancing. Patrick Swayze’s hips are a cure all for any sadness, but it’s time you got up and started falling in love with

yourself again. Take yourself on dates, buy that cool thing you’ve been eyeing but didn’t want to splurge on. Do it. Treat yourself.

How to Get a Good Parking Spot: This is a true art, especially during the winter on Allendale’s campus. When people aren’t parking like total idiots, there are some easy ways to find spots. Look for someone hustling to a car or pay a hobo to stand in the closest parking spot all night to make sure you get first dibs. You can also look for exhaust coming from other cars, this is a good indicator that a spot is about to open up. If you’re lucky enough to own an all-terrain vehicle, like a Jeep, just park on top of the snow piles that are taking up half the parking spots (we see you blue flames/white Jeep guy).

Alrighty Lakers we’re nearly there. Only 10 letters left to go then you’ll have all the tips you need for a somewhat stable life..

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The ABCs of College: M-P Edition

52” FLATSCREEN TELEVISIONS 4 BEDROOM, 4 1/2 BATHROOM 10 OR 12 MONTH LEASE KITCHEN W/ GRANITE TOP FULLY FURNISHED

LIVE HERE. LIVE BETTER.

MY COTTAGE

COTTAGES • TOWNHOMES • APARTMENTS

TOUR TODAY! 616.895.6678 • CAMPUSVIEWHOUSING.COM

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Special All Day Sunday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Dickair & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

Live Entertainment

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Live Entertainment

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday!

12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics Various Live Entertainment

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Closed, but don’t miss...

Industry Specials All Day Sunday, Tuesday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday

MONDAY: Mug Club Night!

Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SUNDAY: $3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

FRIDAY: $4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

Taco Tuesday!

Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Employee Handbook

$4 Long Islands $4.50 Long Beach $3 Heineken Bottles

2014 PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

MONDAY: Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m.

Drink specials during the show.

Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

1

Happy Hour 4-7!

Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays!

Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Revolving Event Night at Mullys!

Rotating Drink Specials!

Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Guinness Bottles $3 Well Shot and Pop

Open Mic -- Kyler and Company in the house -PA system provided. Come to listen or bring your own instrument and play!

Ladies Night--DJ in house spinning the best music every other Saturday!

Talk to your bartenders for coming events!

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m

Closed Like Us on Facebook!

1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $4 Bloody Mary Specials ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Closed

$4 Jack and Coke $4 Tall Craft Brews

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m.

Drink specials during the show.

Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Well Shot and Pop $3 Tall Bud Light

Taco Tuesday!

Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

$3 Jager Barrel $3 Tall Labatt

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

BEER ME!

AFFORDABLE WAYS TO GET SMASHED IN GRAND RAPIDS Logan Bailey wrote this

St. Paddy’s Day is upon us and you know what that means: really expensive booze. Sure there’s Irish on Ionia, but seriously, it costs money just to walk on the street, let alone get drunk. Here are some of the best ways to get tanked this holiday without breaking your already-dwindling bank account.

Flash People: This is the oldest trick in the book. Throw on some of those green beads and head out. It doesn’t matter who you are, someone will give you a shot if you take your clothes off. Could it get any easier or undignified? Nope.

Make Vodka: Apparently you can make vodka out of just about anything. Nothing tastes quite like “wooden chair” vodka. But this is an Irish holiday so why not try some “four-leaf clover” vodka. It’ll be a nice green color, just like a fine whiskey that’s been dyed green.

Walk into the Street: Really want to make your head spin? Just step out onto Monroe Street and pray those Chevy Cruze drivers aren’t going more than 15 miles per hour.

You’ll get smashed in no time (see what we did there?)!

Dress Like a Leprechaun: Another lessdignified way to spend your holiday, but hell, at least you’re not naked. Throw on an orange wig and beard and don a green suit and a green hat. If you’re tall, you might want to just walk on your knees all night to look short. Who wouldn’t buy you a drink?

Pruno, GV Style: Raid your fridge for some old fruit, ketchup, a plastic bag, and some sugar

packets from IHOP. Then follow this step-bystep guide: soak old fruit in hot dirty water, add sugar and such, repeat, and in like two days you’ll have your very own Laker juice! Cheers.

Drink Wounded Soldiers: Get into a bar, any bar really, and walk to any empty table. Odds are, some idiot left at least a quarter-glass of a beer sitting there. Just drink it fast, you never know when they’ll be coming back. You could even dress like a server and start ordering drinks, hopefully the bartender is too drunk to realize you don’t actually work there.

3, 2, 1… Butt Chug: What? Are you judging?

Grab your favorite beer bong that you never plan on using again, shove it up your butt, and ta-da! You’re hammered! Maybe don’t let people know how, but you are hammered.

Pretend to be Smashed: Start by stumbling about campus, then start yelling on the bus, and finally when you hit downtown, crash into a group of already “equally” drunk people and join their party. (Bonus points if you stumble on a shitfaced group on a party bus.)

Grand Theft Lager: Last but not least, head to Campus Party Store and risk theft. When push comes to shove, the cop will drive you downtown. Once you get out of jail you can continue follow any of the aforementioned steps to getting wasted.

There you go, people. Some of the most financially-efficient ways to still get smashed while on a budget. It’s like $40 a Day but with liquor and no money!

FIVE PERKS OF BEING A SUPER SENIOR Jeff Perry wrote this

When it comes to being in college longer than four years, some would consider it a waste of time, but those people would be wrong. The Black Sheep has created a list five of the most superlative reasons to stay a senior.

Broccoli cheese soup: One of the few things in campus dining that doesn’t taste like cardboard is the broccoli cheese soup. Super seniors get first dibs on this delectable treat, usually by disguising themselves as T. Haas and “tastetesting” the product, or sometimes shoving weaker youngins out of the way. Naturally, by the time lunch rolls around for the rest of GVSU, the soup is completely gone.

Free booze from freshmen: Being a super senior, you have the ability to buy alcohol legally, which basically makes you a messiah to lowerclassmen looking to get some Smirnoff (or whatever kids drink these days). Knowing that these peons will pay top dollar for some Popov or some Admiral Nelson, you have the upper hand.

Lie about the cost and use that extra cash you make to buy yourself something that doesn’t taste like nail polish remover.

Knowing which professors to avoid: After spending over four years at GV, you’re bound to run into people you don’t get along with. Once in a blue moon you’ll get professors that you outright loathe. Maybe it’s because they suck at explaining things or maybe they are the most unorganized person in the class. Regardless, at this time in your college career you know who

rocks and who sucks. Sure RateMyProfessors. com is pretty good, but it’s nothing compared to firsthand experience. As a super senior you can avoid the professor who’s as clueless as GVSU promotions (we’re looking at you “Hey there Laker!” guy).

You have T. Haas’s number: When you see this man everywhere you can’t help but want to hang out with him. When you finish your senior year, graduation or not, T. Haas sends you his number in case you need someone to talk to at 3 a.m. or grab a beer. Hell, he’ll even be your wingman so you can try and get some tail at the bar. What’s better than the president of your university telling the opposite sex about how much you matter to GVSU? It gives the saying “Proud to be a Laker” a whole new meaning.

Giving zero f*cks: This one should go without saying, but if you see someone who looks a bit too nonchalant, like they don’t let school, grades, or people bother them, chances are they’re a super senior. From going to school in pajamas at 4 p.m. to having the smell of beer on them at nine in the morning, there’s just very little that super seniors have to care about.

With these perks you must be dying to add a third major and stay here as long as you can.

Hell, even Van Wilder may have quit the game too early. So be proud of being a super senior, and enjoy your perks. Even if it’s putting you in crippling debt; at least that debt comes with delicious soup.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 8 ou

1. The Solar System: Where can Olympus Mons be found?

2. Modern Slang: What does it mean to be “on fleek”?

3. Revolution: What country was t-shirt icon Che Guevara from?

4. Music: What artist dropped a surprise album on February 12th titled, “If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late?”

5. Food: Gluten is found in what food item?

JARED HAYWARD

LANGUAGE RESOURCE CENTER LAB ASSISTANT

6. Technology: Introduced in 1988 but still in use today, what visual software has had iterations CS2, CS4, and CS5?

7. Television History: In 1986, in one of TV’s historic flops, Geraldo Rivera opened this person’s vault, which was empty.

8. Film: What movie won “Best Picture” at the 2015 Academy Awards?

9. Marine Life: What marine mammal has the largest known brain of any animal?

10. Chemistry: Two outside forces are necessary to transform coal into a diamond. Name one.

Jared’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Mars 2. Cool 3. Uruguay 4. Drake 5. Wheat 6. Adobe Photoshop 7. Al Capone 8. Birdman 9. Sperm Whale 10. Heat or Pressure

1. Mars 2. On point, perfect 3. Argentina 4. Drake 5. Wheat 6. Adobe Photoshop 7. Al Capone 8. Birdman 9. Sperm Whale 10. Heat or Pressure

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

DRINKING IN CLASS

POTATO CASSEROLE

With midterms floating around, it’s important to take it easy every once in a while and, you know, drink beer a little bit. Instead of skipping classes to get drunk or skipping drinking to go to class, the best idea is to combine the two and drink in class.

What You’ll Need: Hard liquor and hopefully large lecture halls you can easily blend in to.

Number of Players: Just you, unless you can convince any of your classmates to join in…

Level of Intoxication: You won’t remember where you are in 15 minutes.

How to Play: -First thing’s first, you’re going to need a disguise for your alcohol. A flask is too obvious.

-Try spiking your extra-large soft drink from McDonald’s.

-Take two big swigs just to get warmed up for this long drunken day you’re about to start.

-Now get to class before you wander in the front because you’re 10 minutes late!

-If you get to class and your professor announces there’s a pop quiz, be sure to take three full swigs from your drink.

-For every other student you see in your class who is visibly drunk, take another drink.

-If somebody asks you if you’re drunk, quickly reply, “no” then sip on your drink and wink.

-If somebody pukes in class, take a drink and pray you’re not next.

The Game Ends When: The school day ends and you hopefully were able to stumble into most, if not all, of your classes.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

The best way to celebrate March and the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day is to load up on carbohydrates to try to offset all the alcohol you’ve had. It’s also an easy way to say thanks to the potato gods for not letting the Great Potato Famine actually end the existence of potatoes.

What You’ll Need: A couple pounds of potatoes in all kinds of forms such as mashed, tater tots, French fries, and whatever else you have.

Cook Time: You’ll be…wait for it…FAMISHED. But for real, like an hour.

Fatty Factor: You’ll be eating enough carbs to last you through the week.

Let’s Get Baked: -Grab all of your potatoes and start cooking ’em!

-Some can be thrown in the oven for a bit.

-While you wait, throw the rest on the stove top, stirring occasionally.

-Once all the po’taters are done, grab a huge bowl and start layering them (now’s your chance to let out your inner art student.)

-Now throw some cheese in with that (cheesy potatoes taste good).

-Add in whatever other toppings you’ve got (bacon, scallions, more cheese?)

-Now stick your fork in it and dig in.

We always recommend serving this with a glass of whiskey, the bigger the better. This dish is every mother’s nightmare so hopefully you find time in the next week to hit the gym otherwise you might be regretting this recipe choice.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The Drunk Subcultures

of St. Patrick’s Day

n Howell wrote this i l e t Ka

No matter how you view St. Patrick’s day, you’ll be sure to see a lot of green and a whole lot of drunk people. Of course, with this you’ll be sure to see many drunk subcultures on St. Paddy’s Day. The Black Sheep is here to tell you who you can cross off your checklist on March 17th.

THE ONE WHO’S DRUNK ALL DAY: To some people (or some person) St. Patrick’s Day is just an excuse to begin celebrating the holiday at 10 a.m., continuing their drunk adventures well into the evening. This year St. Paddy’s Day falls on a Tuesday, which gives many the college student an opportunity to drink during the first half of the week with little or no judgment (but still a lot of judgment).

THE ONE WHO LOVES THE LUCK OF THE IRISH: You remember. That Disney Channel Original Movie. The one where the high school guy uncovers his heritage (like it’s a trade secret) and then randomly begins to shrink and turn into a leprechaun? Yeah, that movie! It’s a classic according to that guy who watches it every St. Paddy’s Day and holds a special monthly screening. Because it really is that good.

THE ONE WHO TURNS THE DAY INTO A DRINKING GAME: Take a shot every time you see someone wearing green. Two shots if you see someone carrying a four-leaf clover. Chug a beer if you hear someone say “Kiss Me, I’m Irish.” Take a drink if someone’s drinking a green drink. Basically just notice anything St. Patrick’s Day related and get hammered.

THE ONE WHO ABSOLUTELY REFUSES TO WEAR GREEN: There will be those people that won’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day because they’re “better” than that. And if you try to pinch him or her for not wearing green, they’re gonna snap at you and you’re gonna regret ever daring to play along with holiday tradition.

THE SELF-APPOINTED EXPERT ON IRISH BEER: Are you trying to order a Guinness to celebrate the holiday? Well, according to this one guy you saddled up next to, the same guy who has spent his whole night on the same bar stool, a Murphy’s Irish Stout is the best Irish beer to be drinking for St. Patrick’s Day. You should just ignore this guy ‘cause you’ll definitely still be ordering a Guinness.

THE ONE WHO’S ALSO RIDICULOUSLY HIGH: “Brah, clovers are green, brah, and weed is green, mannnnn…” Even though these two look nothing alike, he thinks that’s a hilarious reason to smoke, so he’ll continue laughing to himself well after you’ve slowly backed away from them.

THE COUPLE WHO’S TRYING TO GET PREGNANT (OR, JUST NOT TRYING NOT TO): Booze and luck sound like the perfect ingredients for a night of baby making. And hey, it might be.

March 17 just might be the luckiest (wink wink) day of your life. Because getting lucky has many a meaning, keep a green condom on hand to ice that cake.

THE ONE WHO’S STILL CELEBRATING MARDI GRAS: This guy still has some leftover beads that he’s definitely not going to waste. He’ll be throwing them at random women walking around hoping to get a glimpse at some boobs. This guy might get lucky, but there’s no pot o’ puss at the end of his rainbow.

Sorry bro, but beads are so last month...

THE ONE WHO DOES PLAY-BY-PLAY ON SOCIAL MEDIA: We all know that one person who uses social media every minute of her lives, but for St. Patrick’s Day you’re going to see live updates of a continuously drunk Tuesday. From sloppy Instagram pictures of girls with duck faces to misspelled tweets and 212 Snapchat stories of green shots, it’s not going to be pretty.

THE ONE WHO PARTIES LIKE GATSBY: A little party never killed nobody, especially on St. Patrick’s Day. This dude has invited the whole city to his place. No one knows who this guy is—perhaps he’s a mythical Irish creature—but he’s officially thrown the best St. Patrick’s Day party ever.

THE GUY WHO IS SLOWLY GETTING NAKED: At first it was harmless. Just a couple shots and his feet got hot so his shoes came off. Then another couple of shots made him take his shirt off. After the bartender threw him out the shots really started to hit him and so now he’s walking around completely nude.

You’re about to see if he’s a real ginger...

THE SHORT, RED-HEADED PERSON WHO’S SICK OF EVERYONE’S SHIT: It’s an unfortunate day to have red hair and be really short on St. Patrick’s Day. Everyone around the ginger comments on what a “wee little thing” he is. Word of caution: short people are the perfect height to knee anyone right in the sweet spot.

Furthermore, gingers have a shorter fuse because of all the other built-up residual anger about people making fun of their soulless nature.

THE ONE WHO KNOWS WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THE HISTORY: If you get outside during St. Patrick’s Day some drunk’s bound to come up to you to slur apocryphal tales about the holiday. We’re not even sure what the history is because, honestly, does it matter? (Hint: No.) THE ONE WHO SAYS THEY’RE IRISH JUST SO THEY CAN GET KISSED: Trust no one on this green holiday. If anyone seems remotely interested in you and ready to smooch, don’t fall into their trap. It’s just the “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” façade. Consider yourself warned.

THE ACTUAL LEPRECHAUN: Good luck will immediately fall upon you if you see an actual leprechaun on this apparently lucky holiday. Yes, you can count a midget short person as a leprechaun. But that’s only acceptable if they’re decked out in everything green and gold, and they must be wearing ugly black clogs, as was the style at the time.

Avoid an actual laprechaun at all costs...

PLAY ST. PADDY'S BINGO! NUDITY

GREEN BEER

SOMEONE CRYING

A PADDY WAGON

DRUNK OLD MAN

SOMEONE ASLEEP

STRIPED SOCKS

A COP

A BEER BONG

GREENMAN

GREEN EGGS OR HAM

A FIGHT

LEPRECHAUN HAT

A WIPEOUT

DROPKICK MURPHYS SHIRT

THIS SIGN

A MAKEOUT

OUTDOOR PEEING

A BAGS GAME

PUKE

A DRINKING TICKET

A DRUNK ASIAN

MARIJUANA PARAPHERNALIA

INDOOR SUNGLASSES

CLUE BANK

MMM...

BEER...

ANS WER KEY

Guinness • Dogfish Head • Sierra Nevada Rogue • New Belgium • Samuel Adams Bells • Stone Brewing • Lagunitas • Yuengling Blue Moon • Newcastle • Allagash • Left Hand Victory • Oskar Blues • Ommegang Founders • Anchor • Magic Hat

Located directly across from the 48th Avenue GVSU entrance!

Fully Furnished

Private Bedroom & Bathroom

616.892.2700 www.meadowscrossing.net

Office Hours: Mon-Fri 9 am - 5 pm Sat 12 pm - 5 pm Sun 12 pm - 3 pm

Schedule your tour today!