GVSU SPRING ISSUE 7 by The Black Sheep

THE FUN & GAMES ISSUE!

MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

STREET TEAM MANAGER Jes Hamlin

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Logan Bailey | Abigail Dewstow Dylan Hancook |Julie Nichols Brody Cragg | Shardae Rudel Alison Tazelaar | Teresa Williams

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER John Tibbitts

OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

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This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

PARAPHONAL When your phone phantom vibrates, the screen freaks out for no reason, and in general doesn’t work correctly.

JYNX MAZE

My phone phantom vibrated in class like ten times, and I didn’t get a single text! Something paraphonal is going on, I need to go to the Apple Store.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV

FUN & GAMES

the WHAT ON-CAMPUS SUMMER JOB WILL YOU HAVE? quiz Abby Dewstow Wrote This 1. What is your favorite summer activity? a. Firing up the grill and cooking (charring) some steaks. b. Babysitting. I love those little rascals, especially when they’re asleep. c. Sleeping. Netflix. Leave me alone. 2. What would be your choice super power? a. Invisibility, so I can avoid my responsibilities. b. Transfiguration; Professor McGonagall is my idol. c. Flight, because I’m cliché. 3. What is one thing you always avoid? a. My significant other’s parents, because it’s awkward to look into the eyes of someone whose child you’re banging. b. Staying on task, because talking to people is so much more fun. c. My side-chick/f*ck-boy, until I need them. 4. What’s the worst thing about campus? a. Those damn hungry kids who can’t wait two minutes for food. b. How disorganized the events are, even though I don’t contribute any sort of help. c. The dorms, which is why I’m never in them.

5. What is the ideal summer snack? a. Ice cream, a popsicle, anything cold to fight off the summer heat. b. Pizza and women. c. Who eats in the summer? You’ve gotta keep up that bikini body ready for the new kids to see! 6. What sleeping position is most like you? a. The all-day sleep, so I don’t have to do my job. b. Fetal position, trying to shy away from the scary campus events I need to run. c. Stomach, because that’s known to squish down the extra fat from all the food down, right? 7. What’s your favorite place on campus? a. The dining halls; cooking is my passion. b. Henry Hall; there are so many good memories of crushing kids’ dreams there. c. Anywhere but the dorm I’m assigned to. 8. What is your spirit animal? a. A tiger, because they’re both majestic and fierce. b. A conglomeration of animals. You wouldn’t understand. c. A sloth because it reflects my life motto.

8-13 Points: Campus Dining

You weren’t qualified to do anything better. The campus pity-job where almost everyone ends up. Clearly GV doesn’t want to pay professionals to run the kitchen. The basis is learning how to put sandwiches together and spoon things onto plates. A boring job, but at least it pays.

14-19 Points: Orientation Leader

Time to wrangle in the brats. They have no idea what they’re doing and it’s your job to help. It’s an increasingly boring job, one with many frustrations, but hey, it’s a great way to scope out the fresh meat. Time to put on that fake smile and crush some children’s dreams.

20-24 Points: Summer RA

You’re here because you really have no place to go. But the room and board is free! You just have to kind of keep an eye on the people on your floor… only not really. They’re not paying you anyways. Just because you’re on campus for the summer, doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun. You get the benefits of weekend trips to Grand Haven’s beach... and light drinking, secretly in your room, alone… since you’d be breaking rules otherwise.

1: A)1, B)3, C)2 ANSWER KEY: 2: A)3, B)2, C)1

3: A)2, B)1, C)3 4: A)1, B)2, C)3

5: A)1, B)3, C)2 6: A)3, B)2, C)1

7: A)1, B)2, C)3 8: A)2, B)1, C)3

MAJOR MATCHING GAME: WHAT GRADUATES WILL BE DOING WITH THEIR JOBS 3 YEARS AFTER GRADUATION

With GV offering so many different areas of study, the jobs students can find in their field after they graduate are almost endless! Sorta. Draw a line between the major and the after-college career these students will most likely earn. Teresa Williams wrote this

ANSWER KEY Next Steve Jobs McDonald’s employee of the month YouTube flop Bookstore cashier High school teacher Walter White Blogger Pyramid schemer Podcast creator Census Bureau worker Stripper Preacher yelling at GV students Working at QVC Prostitute Fortune teller Starbucks barista Mall cop Who actually knows? Stoner on Reddit Comic bookstore cashier

Who actually knows? McDonald’s employee of the month Next Steve Jobs YouTube flop Blogger Comic bookstore cashier Podcast creator High school teacher Preacher yelling at GV students Starbucks barista Stoner on Reddit Prostitute Stripper Mall cop Walter White Pyramid schemer Working at QVC Census Bureau worker Bookstore cashier Fortune teller

Engineering Communication Film and video Writing English Chemistry Journalism Business Broadcasting Sociology Classical studies Religious studies Economics Geology Psychology Hospitality Criminal justice Liberal studies Philosophy Art

POPCORN PLEASE!

THE TOP TEN

LIES SENIORS TELL THEMSELVES ABOUT THEIR TIME AT GVSU Graduation is right around the corner, and GV’s seniors are starting to get a bit panicky and rather delusional about their imminent futures outside of college. Here are a few of the ridiculous (and unrealistic) thoughts and expectations running through the heads of the class of 2015:

Movie Review:

The President’s Ball Logan Bailey wrote this

It isn’t often quality films are made about college life, just look at any Justin Long movie. To our surprise, however, Guillermo del Toro’s stark look at humanity’s sinisterly primal roots caught us off guard in his sequel to last year’s Grand Valley State: Ball of Wreck, 2015’s Grand Valley State: Presidents Ball. With Natalie Portman taking over as Louie the Laker, Ben Kingsley taking over as President T. Haas, and a returning David Spade as Wrecking Ball, the film simply bleeds Oscar nods. On top of that, a score by Hans Zimmer adds a morose and yearning element to the already bombastic and sex-laden script. Penned by the entire writing department at Grand Valley State, the plot is, well, heavy. With 45 of the 120 minute movie being hardcore sex scenes, it was surprise they had any movement at all…plot-wise anyway. It’s no secret that writing majors of Grand Valley are significantly more sensual than their counterparts, but at times the story did seem blotted by obscure moaning and unnecessary nudity by the lead cast. Portman and Kingsley are fairly compatible on the screen, there might not be a better duo than Louie and Haas. As lovers, bitter enemies, and at times even an awkward father and son dynamic, the two characters simply cannot be ignored. Still, there are problems. Everything in this movie actually felt quite plausible until the Spartan ninjas showed up. Yes, even the shameless nudity of T. Haas felt true and honest. Now, we see where it made sense to pit MSU against GVSU. It felt important to the director to really show the strength of a group behind a fearless and seemingly unstoppable leader. So, it wasn’t even weird that ninjas showed up, but where does del Toro get off thinking he has the artistic license to have the protagonist, T. Hass, our fearless, 70-year-old alcoholic sex-fiend of a leader, fend half a dozen of them off with just a table leg and a tray of hors d’oeuvres? We get it—it’s supposed to be fun and campy, but this was just too much. The guy didn’t even drop his champagne glass. And then the scene where Louie (Portman) engaged in a duel to the death with MSU’s Sparty? (Played impeccably in a cameo by Ryan Reynolds—I know, who knew dude could act?) I don’t know if the effects budget was way over or what, but it was really weird to see all the blood soak into the foam suits. Either these are mascots played by humans, or we’re supposed to suspend disbelief and assume these are real characters. Everything surrounding the movie implies these mascots are alive—not with some dude inside—but the actual on-screen evidence argues otherwise. It’s a really baﬄing creative choice. Why couldn’t this be fixed in post-production? In the end it’s no surprise that, again, T. Haas is a true silver-screen hero. Among a sea of debauchery, Kingsley delivers a performance the real T. Haas would really adore. It will be a true wonder how Hollywood will be able to top such an over-the-goddamn-top movie next year. Here’s hoping they do so with a little more subtlety. Grade: C-

10.) “Changing majors three times was a great idea”: You’ve always been told to follow your passion when changing your major. Then, when you realized that wouldn’t get you anywhere, you changed it back to something practical. Graduating with a rushed business degree will totally be worth it, though. 9.) “That semester abroad will look great on my résumé”: Sure, you might be a little deeper in debt, but talking about your three months “experiencing the culture” of a foreign country will certainly not make you sound the least bit pretentious when interviewing. 8.) “A Grand Valley degree means something now”: The four/five/eight years you spent desperately trying to reach 120 credits will all be worth a small fortune in a few short weeks. GVSU is finally getting the respect it deserves as an institution (aka some places outside Michigan have heard of it) and you’ll be reaping all the benefits come April 25. 7.) “I’ll only move in with my parents for a few months”: They’ve raised you for twenty-odd years, so they’re sure to be more than willing to help you out for a little longer. It’s the least they can do while you’re busy interviewing for all of those amazing jobs. 6.) “My debt isn’t that bad”: A hundred grand is just chump change, right? What’s a couple hundred dollars out of every paycheck until retirement? Or you can just defer loan payments until you die. 5.) “I’ll be a Laker for a Lifetime”: All that preaching during pep rallies and free t-shirts have pretty much converted you already, but they’re more than just words. It’s called Laker for a Lifetime for a reason. Besides, who else are they gonna call for donations? 4.) “This isn’t my peak”: High school definitely wasn’t your peak, and neither is college. It’s hard to believe things will get better than being president of Truck Club, but that shit looks great on a résumé. Your position on the e-board will open doors and you’ll forget all about the “glory days” at GV. 3.) “I won’t lose touch with my friends”: You meet your friends for life in college, so there’s no way you could possibly forget about them when you move out of Allendale, especially when they’re just a Facebook ding away. 2.) “A bachelor’s degree is the only qualification I need”: Forget about that “important” internship you talked your way out of by working at your dad’s store. The only thing you need to get a well-paying job is a BA from GV. Don’t even worry about grad school… you’ll be fine. 1.) “I’ve become an adult”: Many people may not know this, but graduating college gives you a permanent adult card. As soon as you possess it, you’ll lose all urges to waste time on Xbox Live, marathon Disney movies, and use Debit Dollars. You’re an adult now. Go drink some wine. Shardae Rudel wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

ON THE STREETS

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

WHAT DO YOU MOST HOPE WILL BE DIFFERENT ABOUT CAMPUS WHEN YOU RETURN IN THE FALL? JONICA LISTER, JUNIOR

“The new science building. It looks pretty cool.”

ROSE WHITE, SENIOR

“The Panda Express, because that will be my legacy when I leave.”

GRAYSON DEYOUNG, SENIOR “The fact that I’m leaving.”

PRO TIPS

5 Worst Places to Take Graduation Pics Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen wrote this

The Arboretum, the Ravines, Zumberge Pond… with so many beautiful places on campus to photograph, The Black Sheep went out and found the worst places around Allendale’s campus to take your grad pictures. We’re helping you eliminate another embarrassing school photo. You’ll thank us later. Fresh Food Company

Bus Stop

Wrecking Ball

MAK

Freshman Housing

Admit it, we’re all guilty of coming to Fresh alone and stuffing our bellies until we feel like puking. The naming of the buffet, “Fresh,” is a misrepresentation of the poorquality food and the anxiety people feel as they avoid being seen by friends. Taking your grad pic here is just asking for the negative stigma. Do you want to forever remember the regret of every trip and the source of your freshman 15?

If anyone has had the misfortune of having classes both in A-town and downtown, they know the horrors of the bus stop. With the backdrop of shivering, angry, and tired students, it makes for an awful grad photo. People will bump into you (they won’t apologize) and the creepy guy will, of course, stand right next to you and obviously stare at your butt. Do you really want a picture to remember that there were people who actually woke up in time for their downtown classes?

The one thing that actually garnered attention at GVSU. Not only are you beating a dead, rotting, decaying horse with the Miley Cyrus music video, but you’ll never be able to live up to the standard that that brave man set when he made that Vine. Either way, you don’t want to take your grad photo on the pendulum; it will never be as good as it was during the glory year (R.I.P. Wrecking Ball 2014).

Mackinac is notorious for its labyrinthine architecture and skeletons of missing freshmen. The poor kids… going into the maze to search for an office that may not even exist (according to the signs). If you ever want to see grandma again, taking a photo here isn’t the best idea. The photographer originally scheduled to take a picture of our graduate was lost somewhere on the 2nd floor; we haven’t heard from him since.

Anyone who lived in traditional housing knows of the struggles of living within five feet of another person you barely know (and really don’t want to know). This would be an awful place to take a grad picture as we all know that your room is ungodly messy and you probably still have wadded up Kleenexes covered in “snot” all over your floor. Besides the general disgustingness of the dorms, you probably won’t be able to even fit a photographer inside.

When your mom says “stand over there by the pendulum, it’ll look great!” just turn and shout: “HOW ABOUT YOU STAND BY THE PENDULUM, LINDA?!” Robes off to you Lakers, and remember, these pictures will only haunt you forever if you choose any of these locations.

52” FLATSCREEN TELEVISIONS 4 BEDROOM, 4 1/2 BATHROOM 10 OR 12 MONTH LEASE KITCHEN W/ GRANITE TOP FULLY FURNISHED

LIVE HERE. LIVE BETTER.

MY COTTAGE

COTTAGES • TOWNHOMES • APARTMENTS

TOUR TODAY! 616.895.6678 • CAMPUSVIEWHOUSING.COM

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday

MONDAY: Mug Club Night!

Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber

THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SUNDAY: $3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

FRIDAY: $4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

Taco Tuesday! Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells! Employee Handbook

$4 Long Islands $4.50 Long Beach $3 Heineken Bottles

2014 PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

MONDAY: Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays! Great DJ with a club atmosphere! Revolving Event Night at Mullys!

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Guinness Bottles $3 Well Shot and Pop

Open Mic -- Kyler and Company in the house -PA system provided. Come to listen or bring your own instrument and play! Ladies Night--DJ in house spinning the best music every other Saturday! Talk to your bartenders for coming events!

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m

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1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $4 Bloody Mary Specials ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Closed

$4 Jack and Coke $4 Tall Craft Brews

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartenderâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Well Shot and Pop $3 Tall Bud Light

Taco Tuesday! Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

$3 Jager Barrel $3 Tall Labatt

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

FUN & GAMES

COLLECT THEM ALL!

The ABCs of College: V-Z Edition Rachel McLaughlin wrote this

We know what you’re thinking: “HOLY SHIT THIS ALPHABET THING IS (finally) OVER.” And you know what? You’re correct. How to Get the V: Depending on the lady, wooing could be as simple as buying her Taco Bell at 1 in the morning. Most ladies, though, want to feel special; so flowers, compliments, and some dinner at a fancy eatery will work just fine. This isn’t a foolproof method, some women just have too much self-esteem. At that point it’s probably ok to ask if she has any “6+” friends who were either cheated on and looking for a revenge-bang or self-conscious about a recent weight gain. If you want to bypass all that effort, try Down or Tinder for a quick (shady) hookup. Or put your parents’ money to good use and use Backpage. But remember to be gracious; she’s an “escort,” not a hooker. How to (Weed) Whack it in Class: Getting high is optional for this extracurricular, but you’ll care a lot less about being caught masturbating if you’re stoned. If you choose to smoke, make sure it’s before class, so as not to annoy those around you even more. Basketball shorts and boxer briefs lined with paper towel work best, but really you can wear anything ill-fitting. Sit in the back corner, far away from others (but not too far as to look suspicious). Fap with one hand, write notes with the other in order to look like you’re paying attention. How to please your Xanthippe: Is your mom a peevish nag? You’re a college kid, so yes. If you’re sick of being treated like you’re five, you need to show your mom who’s boss. Show her your paystubs because, yeah, you make money like a real adult. Take a picture of yourself in class so you can prove you’re actually studious and she can stop doubting. Answer her phone calls, but start them by saying you’re at a study group and can’t talk long. She’ll think you have friends and that you value your education. Nice. Your mom might be hard to please, but if she ever yells about you dishonoring the whole family, just remind her: “Hey lady, you raised me this way.” How to Yodel: Break this one out at the next frat party you attend and impress those toga-wearing bros with your precious set of pipes. Find the break in your voice, that is, sing “oh” from a low to high scale and find the area you can’t mimic. Move from low to high notes using “oh” and “ou” sounds. Stay

relaxed, don’t let your notes slide smoothly, and practice. Some may say “Wow, this is a useless skill” and to that we challenge you to “YODEL-AY-HEE-HOO” in their face. If all else fails, watch a YouTube tutorial or WikiHow that shit. How to Zero-out your debt: The obvious go-to is begging mom and dad for money because they’re big people with big people jobs. You can get a fat cat job straight out of college and/or sell your belongings (including body organs) to pay off some of your debt. Honestly, you’ll most likely have to resort to a life of crime, pickpocketing strangers at parades, and running an underground fight club for children and gambling parents. Putting safety pins in their wristbands and knives on their Sketchers is totally legal. There you have it, the last installment of the College Alphabet. Did you learn something? We’ll know if you’re lying and say “no.” Don’t break our hearts, buddy.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 8 ou

1. Currency: In January 2015, Lithuania adopted what currency as its own? 2. Sports: In January 2015, what sport elected Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson and others to its Hall of Fame? 3. Terrorism: In January 2015, what satire publication was the victim of a Paris, France terrorist attack? 4. Music: In February 2015 what artist won Song of the Year and Record of the Year with his tune, “Stay With Me”? 5. Television: What newscaster was suspended by NBC in February 2015 for exaggerating a story about a helicopter crash?

PROF. JENNIFER STEWART SOCIOLOGY DEPARTMENT

6. Movies: Actor Eddie Redmayne won the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor by portraying Stephen Hawking in what movie? 7. Politics: What city’s February 2015 election saw the forcing of a runoff between incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel and challenger Chuy Garcia? 8. Business: In March, 2015 what national corporation saw thousands of job cuts? 9. Crime: On March 14, 2015 the LAPD issued a warrant to capture this person, the focus of The Jinx TV series? 10. Food: In March, 2015 what food conglomerate issued a recall of over 6.5 million boxes of macaroni and cheese after customers reported finding small bits of metal inside?

Prof. Hower’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams? 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. Google 9. No idea 10. Kraft

1. Euro 2. Baseball 3. Charlie Hedbo 4. Sam Smith 5. Brian Williams 6. The Theory of Everything 7. Chicago 8. Target 9. Robert Durst 10. Kraft

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

GVSU COMMENCEMENT SPEECH

KOSHER CORN DOGS

Let’s be real: graduation ceremonies are the worst. Commencement is basically three hours of listening to adults you never met talk about fellow graduates you also never met. But drinking is always a fun way to pass the time…

Oy vey! We’re in the midst of Passover and you’ve got a taste for corn dogs? Lucky enough, you’ve got The Black Sheep to help you out in making those bad boys kosher. They may not end up being corn dogs, but we guarantee you’ll have something in your dogs.

What You’ll Need: Flask(s) with liquor and a garter/holster of some sort; no need to hide what’s about to go down. Number of Players: 1, or all of GV’s graduating class.

What You’ll Need: Your favorite kosher food, corn meal, flour, sugar, baking powder, milk, salt, pepper and eggs, hot oil, tasteful imagination.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be able to walk across the stage without puking, but just barely.

Fatty Factor: It’s better than eating grandma’s matzo ball soup!

Take a Drink: -For every 10 graduates who are late. -Each time someone realizes they forgot their tassel/cap/gown/phone/grandma etc. -As “Pomp and Circumstance” loops back around to the beginning of the song. -For every faculty gown that looks vaguely like it came from GV’s Renaissance Festival. -When the commencement speaker is introduced and another if you’ve never heard of them before. -Each time any of the following words are said: opportunity, Laker, potential, congratulations, dedication, bright, God, class of 2015, and future. -For every communications major. (Take two every time a name is mispronounced.)

Let’s Get Baked: -Combine 1 cup corn meal, 1 cup flour, ¼ cup sugar, 4 tablespoons of baking powder and a dash of salt and pepper. -Add one cup milk and an egg to the above mix. You now have your batter. - Take your favorite foods (mine is pizza, so we’ll go with that) and prepare them as usual. - Once your pizza sauce and cheese are warmed up, mix them together. - Dip your pizza in the batter. -Place it in hot oil for about 3 minutes. - Let it cool down and eat away, guilt free (imagine that what you just made is not a pizza roll, but a corn dog instead.)

Finish Your Flask: -When “Laker for a Lifetime” is mentioned. -When someone drops their diploma. Bonus Round: Do a body shot off T. Haas instead of shaking his hand. The Game Ends When: You cry because you have to live in the real world. Say goodbye, Lakers!

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THE QUIZ:

WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR? Take this quiz to find out what you should change your major to next semester. At the end of the quiz, tally up your points and head to the registrar’s office with your new major that you’re sure to enjoy a lot more than the one you have now. - Katelin Howell

Question 1: How often do you attend class each week? A. Every day! Why would I skip class? B. I think I attended class once, two weeks ago. C. Sometimes I’ll skip my morning class. D. All my professors take attendance, so I have to go every day. E. I go to most classes, but I’m usually hungover.

Question 8: What’s the longest you’ve gone without taking a shower? A. Maybe two days B. Two weeks C. A full month D. 12 minutes E. 24 hours

Question 2: What’s your favorite subject?

Question 10: How many times have you gotten drunk this semester?

A. Art B. Musical Studies C. Business D. Engineering E. Journalism

A. Too many to count. B. I’ve never tasted alcohol. C. Like… four times. D. At least once a week. E. An acceptable amount of times.

Question 4: What makes you the happiest? A. Shoe sales B. Happy hour C. Netflix D. Sunshine and fresh-cut grass E. Free food

Question 11: Who would be the best professor? A. Kanye West B. Robert Downey Jr. C. Helen Keller D. Napoleon Dynamite E. Coco Chanel

Question 5: What’s your biggest goal in life? A. Getting a job right out of college B. Marrying rich C. Pass my classes this semester D. Get into law school E. Show up to class sober, for once

A. Dazed and Confused B. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs C. Sideways D. Mean Girls E. The Devil Wears Prada

A. The Internet and Wifi B. My favorite pair of shoes C. My mom D. Nachos E. A mimosa to get me through the day

Question 13: Whom would you rather marry?

Question 7: What’s your favorite method of transportation?

A. Albert Einstein B. The Most Interesting Man in the World C. Jennifer Lawrence D. Your hot professor E. George Clooney

A. Walking B. Biking C. Riding a unicorn D. Driving E. Teleportation

1. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 2. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 3. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 4. A=3 B=2 C=1 D=4 E=5

20-36 Points: You Should Major In Popular Culture:

This is actually a major where you learn about movies, celebrities and anything and everything pop culture. Who wouldn’t want this major as a daily “effort”? When you change your major next semester you’ll be watching movies and TMZ every day.

5. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 6. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=2 7. A=2 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=1 8. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=3 E=1

37-52 Points: You Should Major In Fermentation Sciences:

A major in learning how to make beer. You get to make the beer, you get to drink the beer. Basically, next semester you’ll have buzz every day in class and that’s totally acceptable. You’re one of the lucky ones. You actually learn a lot about science and biology, so it’ll be super beneficial.

Question 16: What do you wear to class? A. Workout clothes B. Pajamas C. My cutest outfit D. Whatever is clean E. Sperrys, short shorts and Greek t-shirts

Question 17: What job do you want after you graduate? A. Working at an atelier B. Manager at Chipotle C. Bartender D. Actor E. Living at my parents’ house for free

Question 18: What’s your favorite TV show?

Question 12: What’s your favorite movie?

Question 6: What can’t you live without?

ANSWER KEY:

A. Instagram B. Snapchat C. Twitter D. Pinterest E. Tumblr

A. Taco Bell B. Sushi C. Anything that cures a hangover D. Pizza E. Ramen

Question 3: What major are you in right now?

A. Captain Underpants B. The Harry Potter series C. Does Sports Illustrated count? D. Vogue E. I don’t reed, u dummy.

Question 15: What’s your favorite social media app?

Question 9: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

A. Eating B. History of fashion C. Sleeping D. Math E. Not going to class and watching Netflix instead

Question 14: What’s your favorite book?

9. A=5 B=3 C=2 D=1 E=4 10. A=2 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=1 11. A=1 B=2 C=4 D=5 E=3 12. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=3

53-68 Points: You Should Major In Apparel Studies:

Fashion and shopping are your favorite things in the whole wide world. Now, imagine of doing that for a living! Switching to this major next semester will get you prepared to shop for other people or design clothes for other people. But you know you’ll still be shopping for yourself, all the while getting paid to do it.

A. E! News B. Mad Men C. Cupcake Wars D. Project Runway E. Workaholics

Question 19: What do you like to do in your spare time? A. Go shopping B. Get high C. Watch movies D. Eat E. Get drunk

Question 20: What’s your favorite college holiday? A. Summer break B. Christmas break C. Martin Luther King Day D. Spring break E. Thanksgiving break

13. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=1 E=3 14. A=4 B=1 C=5 D=3 E=2 15. A=5 B=4 C=1 D=3 E=2 16. A=1 B=4 C=3 D=5 E=2

69-84 Points: You Should Major In Cannabis Cultivation:

AKA growing weed. AKA the best major ever. AKA you’ll be learning how to make your own weed. AKA never paying for marijuana ever again. Don’t be frightened if the DEA shows up to one of your classes next semester, just act natural. Be cool, man. You should be used to that.

17. A=3 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=4 18. A=1 B=2 C=5 D=3 E=4 19. A=3 B=4 C=1 D=5 E=2 20. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=5

85-100 Points: You Should Major In Food Science:

You know you love food, eating is basically the only thing you do all day anyway. After you change your major to this for next semester, you’ll get to eat to your heart’s delight, cook your own food, learn about different foods from around the world and basically get a degree in becoming a chef. Honestly, what could be better?

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