Illinois Fall Issue 5 - 9/19/12 by The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 5 9/19/12 - 9/26/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

Champaign Police Robot Destroy’s Some Guy’s Bag of Books on University of Illinois Campus mike benson wrote this On the afternoon of Monday, September 17th, a woman named Christine was standing on Armory Street, outside of the Harding Band Building, waiting for a friend to arrive. When a campus police officer approached Christine about her bag which was obstructing foot traffic, she replied that the bag was not hers. She offered to move the bag anyway when the cop stopped her, looked her dead in the eye and asked, “Why move it when we can blow it up?” A moment later a call came into the CPD’s station about the mysterious bag. The operator, who was at first confused, asked the officer to elaborate, “Officer, is there anything about this bag which causes suspicion?” “Well, no, not really. I mean, there’s probably just books in it...” “...” “...But there could be a bomb in it.” “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” “Let’s fire up that fucking robot.” Moments before these events transpired a man named Brett had been nervously walking down Armory Ave. For the past year, Brett had been slaving away at his doctoral dissertation in physics and was just on his way to turn it in and defend it. Being that he was a bit early for his appointment, he decided that it would probably be a good idea to hop into the Harding Band Building’s bathroom before he got there. As he was sitting in the bathroom, Brett was going over all of the reasons why he hated this town. For the past eight years and change Brett had done nothing but slave away at his work and be harassed by the drunken idiots who surrounded him. This was finally his chance to show this town that he had overcome it. He could leave and never come back to it again. Just then, Brett had a feeling that he had forgotten something. He looked around and realized that he had completely forgotten his bag in the middle of the sidewalk. Inside this bag was his dissertation, his laptop which contained all of the save files for his work, and the piles of research he had accumulated during his study. Essentially, four years of work.

The Glories of Getting High at Walmart

we investigate the effects of shopping under the influence.

page 6

Brett rushed out of the bathroom and sprinted out the door onto Armory Ave. When he got outside he noticed that a large crowd had accumulated. When he asked the crowd what was going on, they all told him that there had been a bomb threat called on the street. At first Brett was nervous about his safety, but then remembered that he had to find his bag. He ran through the crowd to get to where he had left his bag when he ran into a police barricade. “Woah woah woah sonny, you ain’t gettin’ past here. There might be a bomb over there,” the officer replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the action. “Besides, there’s no way I’m letting you get a better view than me.” “Officer, you don’t understand. My bag is over there. That bag has my entire life in it. I need to get it.” “Wait, is that your bag?” The officer asked, pointing to black suitcase which was being slowly approached by a large robot.

what’s inside

“That’s it! Thank God, do you think you could ask one of your officers to go grab it?” “Not a chance. We spent millions of dollars on this laser-shooting robot, and I’d be damned if this wasn’t the day that we were finally going to be able to use it. You think we put all that Unofficial money fro underage drinking towards campus safety initiatives? Hell no, it's all been going to a secret "robot laser fund" for the past five years. Besides, you don’t want to be anywhere near there when those lasers go off,” the officer said giddily as he pulled out a bag of popcorn. “Want some? This is going to be fucking awesome.” The robot then approached the bag, began to violently shake, and then released a bright jolt of orange electricity which caused the bag to explode in a glorious tumult. The crowd began to cheer as the police officers packed up the robot and left the scene completely satisfied. Brett sat silently on the side walk reflecting on how much work the next four years was going to be, as a circle of frat boys shotgunned beers in celebration of the "orgy of awesome" that just happened.

All Grown Up: Honey Boo Boo

Get Your Noise Out of My Ears

page 9

page 18

Where America's favorite piece of white trash will be in 20 years.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5

page 5: Sex and the CU: ShackerSurfing A.K.A. how sluts survive the semester without paying rent.

page 7: Where to Lose the Freshman 15: The ARC vs. CRCE Which gym are you good enough for?

page 8: A Letter From the Bathman

page 8

Local misunderstood pervert has good intentions.

page 9: The Top 10: Unhealthy Ways to Shed Pounds Because dieting and exercise are so overrated.

page 10: A Day in My Feet

Table of

A Jesus-inspired experiment of epic proportions

page 16: bartenders of the week

They won't give you free drinks, but they're nice to look at

page 18: From the streets

Why Does Everyone Break Up in the Fall?

page 21: we interview: menomena Their new album Moms drops September 18th.

page 21

Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Sean Lyman, Pat Hamill

owner Atish Doshi

Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, So I’ve been looking up some crazy space shit on the internet, and it has really been getting to me. With the universe being as unfathomably big as it is, are the actions of my life completely inconsequential? Sincerely, Mr. Spaceman Dear Particle Man, First off, I think you need to understand that your life isn’t just inconsequential in a universal sense, it is insignificant even on an extremely small scale. Do you think your actions have any effect on the world at large? Are the actions you initiate today going to have any effect on the course of humanity? The answer is likely no. However, that is nothing to be ashamed about. Very few people ever do anything significant enough to create a massive mark on history. So let’s get smaller. When you think about your involvement with, say, the university, can you see any way that your waking up in the morning changes anything? The fact that you mentioned “looking up space shit” makes me believe that you likely have no friends or hobbies. I mean, you emailed me this question at 11:30 on a Saturday night. I think it’s safe to assume that you don’t have too many people who devote a lot of stock in your daily actions. Being that you are looking for philosophical answers on the internet makes me think that you have low self esteem. Is your life even consequential to yourself? I know nothing about you except for the two sentences that you lazily emailed to me, and from those two sentences I can infer that you definitely have no effect on the universe, the world, or even your own personal life in any way. You are like an invisible grain of sand within a desert full of grains of sand. You should probably just do some drugs. Best, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

Cereals Any Nite

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Rally Rye Hip Nip last week’s answers

Sofia Vergara & Asthon Kutcher

When your hands are too large for an OPHJ, you'd be sad too... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Bravadon’t:

An act of heroism meant to impress, resulting in embarrassing failure for the person in question. “Patrick's had an act of bravadon’t when he broke his leg by jumping off of the roof.”

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Sex and the CU: Shacker-surfing kimberly ann wrote this Starting off her second year at UIUC, Allie was determined to show everyone on campus what the meaning of single was. She was overly excited to move in to her sorority with her best friends and rage. After getting white girl wasted at happy hour, Allie wanted to show some extra Illini pride and take two of the football players back to her house. Needless to say, shit hit the fan when the house mom caught Allie having a threesome. Allie was kicked out and thrown on to the streets of Champaign. Officially being homeless would be enough to send most into panic, but not Allie. Having slept her way through several fraternity pledge classes her freshman year, Allie was no stranger to shacking. So when one of her ex-sorostitutes asked her what she was going to do she calmly replied, “Put my talents to good use and shack my way through the semester.” Luckily Allie had a car on campus where she could keep her items and fix herself up in the morning; after all, being a woman driver she was already good at doing her makeup in the rearview mirror. She spent the first few homeless weeks at fraternity rush parties. All Allie did was play a few games of flippy cup and seduce the drunkest guy in the frat. After the bro would pass out she’d sneak in the showers and kitchen to steal some food. Unfortunately for Allie, all the frat bros got to talking and labeled Allie as the house slut. Not even the biggest bro wanted to tap that anymore. Allie decided it was time to hit up a terrifying territory: GDI apartment parties. She knew it would be harder to find a place to stay during the week because GDIs normally only party on weekends. She’d really have give it her all to attract some non-Greeks if she didn’t want to spend the night in the back seat of her hot and stuffy car. Allie had to get used to the new crop of boys she was trying to slam. Unlike frat stars, GDIs actually wanted to have a conversation instead of just suck her face off after a few drinking games. She had to get used to talking about classes, extracurriculars and her plans for life after college; she grew increasingly tired of these conversations, but her need of a comfy bed outweighed her endless boredom. Instead of finding empty beer cases and bongs in a GDI’s apartment, she’d find blow up

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dolls, unopened condom boxes, and countless books on how to form social skills. She found that if not drunk enough the GDIs would usually only go as far as first base, wanting to stay up “learning about each other” all night and sharing their feelings. That didn’t fly with Allie. She’d barley have time to shower and sneak in some noms before fleeing in the morning. By November Allie was getting desperate; she had already taken five engineers’ virginities and swallowed more cum than actual food. Fed up with bad sex, Allie went back to fratting, hoping the bros would have forgotten by now. They all remembered Allie, but most had not been laid by a girl older than eighteen in a while so some frat bros were willing to let Allie shack for a night or two; this got her through until winter break. Allie was going to settle for the dorms second semester, but after spending more nights banging instead of reading for her classes, she flunked out. Allie was also unpleasantly surprised when she found out she had a bun in the oven and one or two diseases down south. Now she’s simply another statistic. College dropout, knocked up, baby daddy unknown.

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theblacksheeponline.com

The Glories of Getting High at Walmart bud roberts wrote this Marijuana: America’s second favorite pastime, a college student’s candy of choice, and possibly the best vegetable your mom never told you to eat. Newly released statistics put out by the federal government show 75% of college students smoke the ganja once or more in their college years. Of those students, a staggering 45% are smoking on either a daily or weekly basis. So what’s fueling the urge for the sticky green? Is there a lack of steady vagina in the C-U or what? Experts on Green Street believe this phenomenon has to do with an amplified sense of satisfaction and relaxation from all the stress college brings. And by stress they mean selling plasma to pay for cover at bars, finding a friend to take your i>clicker for class points, and eating Fat Sandwich past midnight three times a week. The only true way to understand this pot frenzy was to further explore the drug and its effects. What exactly was this beautiful herb capable of? Was it really dangerous to a person’s health and/or wallet? The Black Sheep wanted to know, and we just wanted to get high, so we decided to conduct a very scientific, investigative report for the love of journalism. And what better place to be happy and high than America’s finest representation of excess: Walmart. The journey begins in a safe, obscure apartment in Champaign, Illinois. The smoke is billowing from my lungs and out of my mouth like an 1862 chimneystack. Purple Urkle was the name, and we was getting high baby, real high. Because we respect the law, we left the car keys on the counter and took the speedy and reliable Cum Touchdown north of campus. What may have been a twenty-five minute bus ride felt like an hour, but once we arrived to those big blue letters, there would be no stopping our excitement.

All throughout the ride I was feverishly planning everything that I was going to buy. “Maybe some pretzel logs! Maybe one of those cool back scratcher shower thingies! I wonder if I brought enough money for a few season DVDs of Pawn Stars.” But once I grabbed a cart from an outdoor corral and headed towards the sliding doors, I immediately lost focus. Man, all I wanted to do was take a nap. I looked around at fellow The Black Sheep staff members, and some of them didn’t even make it in the store. A few were waiting on a bench outside, staring intently at the ground. I left them behind and slowly made my way into the store. “I’m good, thank you,” I mumble as the greeter eerily looks at me with a toothless smile. I push my cart forward, suddenly self-conscious of what has to be the reddest, most blazed eyes one could possibly imagine. Whoa wait, is that rotisserie chicken? That shit smells amazing! My mouth was unbelievable dry, but it felt like my mouth was watering. I just knew that steamy, golden, juicy chicken was put on this earth for me to consume. I grabbed my favorite golden bird and gently placed it in the cart like a newborn child. And after that, my energy was restored. I was here on a mission, and dammit, I’m going to make the most of it. Playing in Walmart as a little kid is like being high in Walmart as a big kid; you want to touch everything and play hide-and-seek in between the rungs of clothes. As we go down every single aisle,

examining everything from raw steaks to tampon packages to Capri Suns, I suddenly understand why smoking marijuana is so popular on campus. With good company, it’s social. It’s fun. It’s a pleasant alternative to drinking. We are laughing, pushing our carts filled with rotisserie chickens and cheap t-shirts, without a care in the world. As I walk through the candle section, debating between the scent of warm apple pie and ocean breeze, I actually realize how high I am. What am I doing here? I stare at my cart filled with nothing of any value whatsoever. Well, except for that chicken. I run to the nearest checkout lane to avoid raising my tab anymore. My receipt ends up being $22.33—not too shabby for a Walmart run. We exit the store and sit on the curb waiting for our bus, eating our rotisserie chicken with nothing but our fingers, and drinking Red Bull. It was so simple, so messy, and so good. The only thing that could have made the high time any better was if we didn’t have to be fifty yards from Steak ‘n Shake.

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Where to Lose the Freshman 15: the ARC vs. CRCE morgan foster wrote this Are you unhappy with your physique? Did you just eat your fourth Fat Sandwich meal this week? Is your excessive muffin munching giving you a muffin top of your own? It might be time to check out one of the gyms on campus. The two main gyms are the ARC and CRCE, but how does one choose? Where do you fit in? The ARC is a complex environment, visited by the most dedicated, athletic members of campus. Each of its four levels has a different stereotype associated with it. Both the entrance and upper levels have lots of cardio machines, so this is where you will find sorority girls aplenty. They jog along on their treadmills and slide away on the ellipticals in their tightest Pink yoga pants and shirts boasting their sorority’s symbols. You’ll also find them using the mats near the rock-climbing wall to show off their stretching abilities to those drooling on the weight machines nearby. Basketball courts are available on the entrance level as well for guys that generally sort of suck. There’s an intense basketball hierarchy goin’ on in the ARC, and if you aren’t sure where you fit in, you should scope out each one before committing. If your skills just aren’t up to that level yet, feel free to join the massive hoards of Asian males constantly playing badminton. On the concourse level there are even more basketball courts for the dudes who want to shoot some serious hoops. These guys don’t mess around. They’ll pivot and juke around your ass so many times that you’re probably better off just staying home unless you can give ‘em a run for their money. After you work up a sweat, hop in one of the ARC’s pools. Splash around in the outdoor pool while you still can. Try not to get run over by the people doing laps, they swim like a shark swims after a menstruating surfer. There’s also a sauna on this level, a good place to coerce unsuspecting freshman that they must be butt naked to enter.

The weight area dominates the lowest level. The moment you enter this area, you’ll be serenaded by large, warthog grunts made by ripped frat boys and serious weight lifters. They have only one goal: lift anything and everything until tendons burst. These guys thoughtlessly shuffle from weight to weight for hours on end. Do not enter unless you look like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger. CRCE is a whole different realm. It’s a bit simpler, with only two floors and not much space for athletic segregation. The ground floor has a pool that’s three feet deep all around and has fountains and a slide. If you are a twelve-year-old stuck in a twentyyear-old’s body, this is the pool for you. Although it’s slightly awkward to wait for the lifeguards who are your age to let you onto the slide, it’s still pretty awesome. There’s even a short basketball hoop with a mini pool-friendly basketball. Finally, you can dunk! Kobeeeee! There are a few basketball courts on the ground floor as well. Guys who can’t shoot a hoop to save their lives or guys who are debatably in the NBA dominate these courts. There’s really no in between. Chances are you’ll fit in pretty easily. If that’s not your scene, there are also some random multipurpose gyms used for floor hockey or soccer. It's like middle school gym class all over again! Finally, on the second floor, there’s a small weight area and some cardio machines. There is definitely less grunting and aggression among these barbell users but still a delicious serving on muscular man meat. The cardio machines are occupied by a sprinkle of sorostitutes, a few flannel-shirted hipsters, and the occasional person over twenty-five. If you can’t handle lusty looks from the occasional crusty creeper, this is not the place for you. Don’t worry about your attire at CRCE. You don’t need fancy workout

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clothes; I’ve seen people in jeans, long sleeve shirts, or flip flips sweating their booties off. All in all, if you’re looking for a facility with a ton of variety, you should go to the ARC. However, you’re probably going to feel judged there. If you want to go somewhere where you can wear a dress to work out and not be given a second glance, then you should head to CRCE. Though it’s smaller, it’s more of a laid back environment. However, I won’t judge if you just continue living your life filled with Cold Stone and Pizza Hut. That’s my plan.

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theblacksheeponline.com

a letter from the bathman

the bathman wrote this Dear Black Sheep news publication, As you may be aware, there was an incident at the apartments located at 309 East Green Street. A young woman was taking a shower, and a man was accused of breaking in and leering at her while she bathed. I write this letter because I am that man. While the people of campustown have already labeled me as the “Guy Who Watched That One Girl Shower at 309” or the “Pervert of Green Street,” I write this letter to let everyone know I only go by one title: The Bathman. I took on this title to protect my secret identity to better serve the good people of Champaign. I decided it was time to come out and let the world know who I was through the only legitimate source of print news in campustown. When I was a little boy, my parents were having a sexy shower together. As my father was seductively soaping up mother’s back, he lost his balance on the slippery floor of the bathtub. My father and mother fell, knocked themselves unconscious on the faucet head, and drowned in the water that pooled up in the tub. I was left as an angry, un-showered orphan wondering what I could have done to prevent this tragedy. As I grew older and learned of other shower and bath-related injuries sweeping through Champaign, I decided it was time to act. People must bathe regularly because body odor is gross. Unfortunately, while performing this necessary task, people were being assaulted in their dorm showers, like that girl at Forbes Hall a few years ago. Champaign needed a symbol, someone to inspire the people of campustown who were too scared to take showers confidently with their hygienic activities. This was when the idea of the Bathman came to me. I would go around campus to different bathing facilities to ensure that everyone was bathing safely and had enough shampoo and conditioner. I donned a red Angry Birds hat to hide my face and a red shirt to represent my anger (and because matching is fresh as hell). My first mission took me to 309 East Green Street. I noticed that several apartment doors were unlocked for any random stranger to enter. That is not safe. When I checked one apartment in particular that was unlocked, I heard the familiar sound of running water. I decided to enter and inspect the situation. I went to the first bathroom and found a young woman showering. I decided to stay and make sure she had enough soap, was cleaning behind her ears, and to make sure no dangerous burglars or perverts entered the woman’s apartment while she was showering. When she finally noticed I was there, she began screaming at me to get out. I ran out of the bathroom before she could assault me, but I stayed just outside the door and tried to explain that I was only there to help. She locked the door and continued to scream at the top of her lungs. I was forced to flee before the authorities arrived, and I was assumed to be a criminal. I now turn to you, my Black Sheep friends, to spread my message of justice and cleanliness. The next time you feel someone leering at you while you are in the shower, fear not. For it is I, the Red Knight, the Bathman. Sincerely, The Bathman P.S. I was also accused of burglarizing peoples’ apartments and stealing their Playstations. You can bet your ass I did that shit. I don’t get any financial compensation for being the Bathman, and drugs won’t pay for themselves.

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The Top 10

page 9

Unhealthy Ways to Shed Pounds You’ve reached a point in your life where you need to start working out or you need to develop an eating disorder. The weight is getting harder to drop, and your usual chubby lovers have even kicked your fat ass to the curb. For some, the chase for acceptance would motivate them to get lean, but for the lazier bunch, here are the easy ways out. 10. Water Chaser: Drinking to get drunk is something that you love, and you have to learn to sacrifice in order to keep your five-days-a-week boozing schedule. The waterliquor combo will keep your calorie count and tolerance at an all time low. This weight solution may give you an ulcer, making weight loss even easier. Win, win! 9. Pick Up Smoking: Exchange your shitty eating habits for a smoking addiction. Curbing hunger pangs with cancerous materials? High five, tobacco companies! Your handrolled cigarette will enhance your street cred while shrinking your waistline and lungs.

All Grown Up: Honey Boo Boo morgan foster wrote this Honey Boo Boo fever is sweeping the nation. “What’s a Honey Boo Boo?” you may ask. If you don’t know by now, you’re not American. After all, her show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, had more viewers than the Republican Convention. But then again, what didn’t? What could this monstrosity ever grow up to be? Honey Boo Boo plopped her wide buttocks onto the pink, zebra print beanbag chair in her living room. “I don’t care what my boss says, I ain’t goin’ to no psychamolologist!” she said to her pet teacup pig, Glitzy. Honey Boo Boo still worked in the pageant industry, only now she was a judge. Her boss, Judy, was angry because no matter what pageant Honey Boo Boo was assigned to judge, she always voted for herself. One time she even walked up on stage and took the winner’s tiara. Convinced that farm animals raised Ms. Boo Boo, Judy told her that she could keep her job if she saw a psychiatrist about her childhood. So far Honey Boo Boo has refused, electing to complain to Glitzy between mouthfuls of Little Debbie’s products instead.

of her name; in fact, she’d grown into it. At a whopping 376 pounds, she could no longer walk and often stated that Little Debbie was her best friend. Momma ignored Pudge and handed Honey Boo Boo the bucket of cheese balls she had been holding. “Gimme those there cheese balls sista!” Pudge had been watching enviously as Honey Boo Boo made a sizeable dent in the cheese ball ration. Momma gave Pudge a dirty look. “Momma don’t give me that look! I ain’t the worst daughter you have! Chickadee done had her eighth baby last month, and each one of dem babies come from a different daddy!”

8. Purging: This goes out to all the self-conscious teens across the nation. Throwing up is basically a rewind button. You lost control and ate six Twinkies again? That’s okay, sticking your finger down your throat absolves you of all your gluttonous behavior. Your secret habit will help you develop a stealthy manner and a protruding ribcage. 7. Laxatives: Here’s the poop on laxatives: They are the express lanes of weight loss, but come at a cost. You will have to dedicate at least six hours of your day to the porcelain gods; as for the rest of your hours, you will be on call for abrupt bowel movements. Pick a lazy Sunday, download a lot of new games on your iPhone, and enjoy your toilet time. 6. Oversleeping: Rising in the late afternoon saves you from yourself. Waking up past 1 p.m. makes breakfast inappropriate, past three makes lunch obsolete, and past seven makes dinner look downright wrong.

Momma snorted angrily, sounding almost identical to Glitzy. “Don’t make me come over there and fart on you!” Momma yelled. Honey Boo Boo laughed maniacally as Momma did just that. She loved her family; her boss was obviously mistaken. She said goodbye to her family and drove back to work to give Judy a piece of her mind.

5. Preemptive Hustling: The key to this weight loss plan is procrastination. You must wait to the very last second to keep the weight off. Have a class fifteen minutes away? Leave three minutes before so sprinting is the only option. This high-risk, panicky lifestyle will help you shed your first semester pouch.

“Honey Boo Boo,” her momma said, “You don’t need no psychama-logist. All you need is some cheese balls and a nice jump in the muuuuud.” Honey Boo Boo shook her head, pursed her lips, and snapped her fingers in the air.

Honey Boo Boo sped into the hotel hosting the pageant as quickly as her stub legs would carry her. She walked up to Judy and said, “Momma says I don’t need no help. Plus, Glitzy is my therapist.” Glitzy looked up at Judy with blank pig eyes. Judy gazed at the small mountains of orange powder surrounding Honey Boo Boo’s mouth and decided to quit her job right then and there. “These pageants breed fucking psychos,” she thought.

3. Alcohol: It’s time to forfeit all meals to alcohol consumption. Beer in massive amounts is more filling than a four-course meal. Why bother consuming double the calories when one could be substituted for the other? Beer has a plethora of yeast; it can definitely be placed in the grain section of the food pyramid. If you drink enough, you’ll just end up throwing it all up again anyway.

“Nuh uuuh momma, I done tried that already, see?” Boo Boo lifted her shirt up to reveal a substantial mud-splattered belly. She squeezed the lard of her belly into a shape resembling a mouth. “I do want some cheese-bawlllls, though,” she said, manipulating her rolls so that it looked like they were talking.

Ms. Boo Boo turned abruptly on her heel and sashayed over to the stage and grabbed the winner's tiara and placed it on her blonde curls before plopping into her seat as a judge. A look of cheesy delirium appeared on her face. “Looks like I done won it all again,” she thought.

Just then, one of Honey Boo Boo’s sisters rolled into the room on a power chair. “Did someone say cheese balls? I haven’t eaten in seven minutes, what’s a wo-man gotta do round here to get some food?!” Pudge hadn’t grown out

Six months later, Honey Boo Boo was placed in jail for aggravated assault on a six-year-old girl who had won the Diva Pageant. The girl had refused to give up her tiara and cheese balls.

Ms. Boo Boo went to visit her family to get a second opinion in the matter. She still lived in Georgia, so it wasn’t a far ride in her sparkly pink Eclipse. She even brought Glitzy around, dressed in her best outfit involving a tutu and rhinestone-encrusted tiara.

4. Adderall: This prescription drug will not only help you keep off the pounds, but its effects also give you superhuman study powers. Even if you haven’t eaten in three days, Adderall will make you get your shit done, all while looking thin.

2. Narcotics: It’s time to take a page out of the everyday drug abuser handbook. Avid fans of hard drugs tend to be the skinniest, like Kate Moss. In this economy you will have to choose between drugs and food. The addictive qualities of drugs will outshine your stomach’s screams and eventually silence them indefinitely. You can say hello to a future of bad teeth and a nonexistent waistline. 1. Sexersize: This is the most fun you can have while watching your weight. Getting freaky in the sheets will really help you feel the burn. Multiple partner options are key to an optimal workout schedule. That way you’ll never fall into a consistent rhythm, and you’ll always be on your toes for something new. Hey and after you pop that unwanted baby out, it’ll feel like you lost a bunch of weight.

folly morrest wrote this

page 10

A Day in My Feet

theblacksheeponline.com

becky jacobs wrote this One day in the land of orange and blue, a daring lady decided to do the unthinkable: walk around campus barefoot for an entire day. This act was inspired by a long-haired, drug-rug wearin’ student who likely sold his shoes for Phish tickets and a vaporizer, forcing him to walk around barefoot to his classes. Maybe you’ve seen him around campus, maybe you haven’t, but for one day a writer of ours decided to step up to the challenge and follow in his footsteps. The following is a true story. 8:24 a.m.: Carpe diem! It’s time to walk through the doorway and feel what my bare feet have never touched before: dorm carpet. A feeling of liberation washes over my body as puddles of grime and garbage juice wash over my feet. Thoughts flood my mind, wondering if eyes will lock on my feet as soon as I exit the door. No? Those eyes are staring at the plastic baggy full of dry cereal I eat with a spoon on my walk to work? Fine then! 11:58 a.m.: I walk into a public bathroom, my bare feet touching the ground that houses all of the body’s smelliest deeds. As I sit in the stall, I fantasize about delivering my severed feet to the Nuclear Radiation Laboratory to have the infected specimens distinguished from the face of the planet. Or maybe a shower would help.

6:45 p.m.: Going barefoot in a dining hall can’t be sanitary. Would you like fries with that side of bloody stumps? Perhaps I could eat like my great ancestors, the apes, and use my feet to shovel in more unhealthy food than previously thought possible. That may be hindered by the fact that my feet are now throbbing. Why oh why did this sound like a good idea at the time?

12:20 p.m.: Quad, your blades of grass have never felt so splendid! While bathing in the sun, I decide that the university needs to repave absolutely everything on campus. Cracks, bumps, pebbles, and bricks really hurt. Not to mention the permanent indentations caused by bottle caps and broken glass. You’d think this university is the fourth ranked party school or something.

8:58 p.m.: There’s one solution for swollen, hurting feet: CRCE hot tub. It was like the feeling in Titanic when Jack finally lets go of Rose and falls deep into the sea. That pesky, weak girl wasn’t a burden to him anymore while hogging the door. He could just float away into oblivion and peace. By saying goodbye to the ground forever, promising to learn how to levitate, and floating in water, this shoeless woman let go of her Rose, and it never felt so good.

1:12 p.m.: Houston, eyes have made contact! After already making it through one class without anyone noticing, a dear soul’s eyes have locked on the grimy, disheveled feet of our heroine. Awkward glances are a bit distracting, but finally Operation Go Barefoot All Day is noticed. This movement is revolutionary. 4:45 p.m.: Numbness is starting to set in. Blisters are forming in crevices near the toes. Even the poor piggy toe skipped to the market, a movie, and screamed “Wee, wee, wee,” all the way home to be bandaged and iced. Maybe I’d lose my toes all together and just be left with little nubs. That’ll really stop me from wearing flip flops again.

11:59 p.m.: Finally, the last minute of the first (and last) day of going barefoot around campus. There’s only one way to celebrate. No, the analogy to Titanic will not continue with a celebration song by Céline Dion. Instead, I log onto Facebook and post a status telling how badass I was for making it through the day without any complaints or misery. Though injuries were minor and the experience wasn’t terrible, the day was proof that we’ve come a long way since Jesus was kicking it with leather straps. Similarly, popping on a pair of Reeboks felt like walking on water.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday in September: $3.50 Blue Moon 16oz Pints $4 Blue Moon 20oz Taps Fri & Sat in September: $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles!

FRIDAY! SHPONGLE presents THE MASQUEADE with PHUTUREPRIMITIVE

THURSDAY Avion Tequila presents.. Club GLO Lights Out - Blacklights Lots of Free Glowsticks! $2 U CALL IT, $3 Everything Else $3 Jager Bombs

SATURDAY: Mattew Curry! $5 | 10pm Los Guapos 6:30 - 8:30 pm No Cover!

WED 9/19

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

THE HOOD INTERNET with BODY LANGUAGE, MY GOLD MASK and OSCILLATOR BUG

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 9/20

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

BLACKBERRY SMOKE with A THOUSAND HORSES

Avion Tequila presents.. Club GLO Lights Out - Blacklights Lots of Free Glowsticks! $2 U CALL IT, $3 Everything Else $3 Jager Bombs

Closed for Private Party Call us at 217-398-2688 to book yours!

FRI 9/21

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SHPONGLE presents THE MASQUEADE with PHUTUREPRIMITIVE

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

Funky Butt Drum Club $7, Starts at 10pm

SAT 9/22

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

HERE COME THE MUMMIES with SOUTH SIDE CINDY

GAMEDAY! Open at 1pm $4 PIZZAS!

Mattew Curry! $5 | 10pm Los Guapos 6:30 - 8:30 pm No Cover!

SUN 9/23

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music Every Sunday! $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans $2 Jack Daniels Honey Drinks $3 Jack Daniels Drinks

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MON 9/24

MASON JAR MONDAY $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER

TUES 9/25

CRAFT BEER NIGHT $2 Wells $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS! Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WED 9/26

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

DAVE MATTHEWS TRIBUTE BAND with a special midnight performance by THE PIANO MAN! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

ITOHWIN0 ET WN VENIN 0G $2D MSOIG AAN T S E R G RD! DU NO TDC! A AR 24AH IF0TGCIF 0 G A $2

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Bicycle Bicycle and and Scooter Scooter Storage Storage Convenient Convenient Grocery Grocery Store Store Tanning Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street SATURDAY: FIREHAUS 7th Birthday Party! 7pm ILLINI vs La. Tech 7pm

Watch all the College Football Action!

$2.99 Cheeseburger 11am-Noon $2 UV Birthday Cake Shots

Get the Firehaus Gameday Glass Mug!!

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

SATURDAY: Reverse Cover! Enter before 11pm and get Highdive Bar Bucks

Wednesday Night Fights! Starts at 10pm in the Beer Garden

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Fights! 1/2 Price Fall Specials $2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

$3 Strong Islands

THURS 9/20

NFL Football! Giants vs Panthers at 7pm $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks 10pm - 2am No Cover!

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/21

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

No class? Get a head start on your weekend, Open at 11am! $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Flavors

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!

Reverse Cover! Enter before 11pm and get Highdive Bar Bucks

$2 Jager feat. The Dirty Girls $3 Michael Collins $3 Don Q Rum Plan your next event at Joe's! Fill out our party form joesbrewery.com

SUN 9/23

$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor-Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings BEARS vs RAMS at Noon Win a Bears Jersey! Patriots vs Ravens at 7pm

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The ORIGINAL Sunday Funday! 25% off all appetizers Win Bulls "Court of Dreams Tickets!" Check out our ad for more info!

MON 9/24

Monday Night Football HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm Packers vs Seahawks 7pm $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

1/2 Price Sandwiches $3 Stoli, $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Jose Cuervo

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Fights! 1/2 Price Fall Specials $2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

SAT 9/22

TUES 9/25 WED 9/26

FIREHAUS 7th Birthday Party! 7pm ILLINI vs La. Tech 7pm

Watch all the College Football Action!

$2.99 Cheeseburger 11am-Noon $2 UV Birthday Cake Shots Get the Firehaus Gameday Glass Mug!!

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

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$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

MONDAY: Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

SATURDAY: CLUB 211! ILLINI vs La Tech 7PM Free Glowsticks! Blacklights!

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 9/20

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

WED 9/19

THURSDAY: Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

SPECIAL NIGHT

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Miller Lite Cat Fights 6-8PM! DJ DASH spins the Nite $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/21

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL v La Tech at 7PM Bud Lt. Tailgate Party 4-7PM Shuttle Bus to Game $2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans, Bud Girls & Giveaways, Absolut Bloody Mary Bar $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

CLUB 211! ILLINI vs La Tech 7PM Free Glowsticks! Blacklights!

SAT 9/22

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN 9/23

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS! $2 32oz Drafts, $2 Dbl. Soco Drinks, $4 Dbl. Jack & Blue Guys Monday Night Football! Soco Girls & Giveaways Chance to Win 2 Football Jerseys

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 9/24

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Country Music & Bands Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Pinnacle Vodka Girls

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 9/25

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 9/26

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname?: Mother Mary.

Bartender nickname: Haake Bukkake.

How do people get your attention when you’re behind the bar?: Wave money in my face and shout random names.

Single/taken/other?: Single and ready to mingle. Sexual preference?: Justin Bieber.

Do you prefer manscaping or natural?: Frosted tips.

Creepiest thing someone's said to you?: "You're hot. You kind of look like my sister.”

Best Family Guy character?: Carter Pewterschmidt . What superhero quality do you want?: I wanna fly like an eagle.

Which Teletubby would you be?: Laa-Laa, nobody likes Tinky Winky.

If you were a man what would your name be?: Jeff.

Best thing to find in an oven?: My roommate’s bra!

Boxers or briefs?: Boxer briefs.

Biggest fantasy?: In a hospital... Grey's Anatomy style.

Weirdest place you’ve ever had sex?: Backseat of a moving car.

Favorite drunk food: MANOLOS!!

What are you dressing as for Halloween this year?: A Grateful Dead dancing bear.

Sexiest *NSYNC member?: I always loved Lance… but he’s gay.

mary d. kam's

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?: Engaged to the Biebs. Favorite yoga/sex position?: Downward doggie style.

the drinking game

across the bridge Feeling lucky? This game takes absolutely no skill whatsoever! It also requires little thought and physical movement. As that weird-looking chick from The Hunger Games says, “May the odds be ever in your favor.” What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and your brew of choice. Number of Players: Two or more. Just make sure you have enough cards! Level of Intoxication: If you’re lucky, you’ll get tipsy. If you’re unlucky, you’ll black out. How to Play: - Deal ten cards face down in a straight line for your “bridge.” - One player starts the game by flipping the first card. - If the card is a 2 through 10, the player can move on to flipping the next card. - If the flipped card is a face card (jack, queen, king or ace), the player must drink (one second for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king, and four for an ace). - The player must also add cards onto the end of your bridge (one for a jack, two for a queen, three for a king and four for an ace). - The next player flips their next card and continues the game in the same fashion. The Game Ends When: One player stumbles all the way across the bridge. In that case, shuffle the cards and start over.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

rachel h. the clybourne

Would you rather never have to shave your legs again or have constant access to cheese fries?: Cheese fries. If you could change the ending of Titanic what would you do?: Have Rose not be so selfish letting Jack share the floating door with her so they could both live.

Recipe for Disaster

impost0r cinnastix You’re at the peak of your “munchies stage” and you’re craving Domino’s Cinnastix, however you’re too lazy to get off your ass and walk to a Domino’s. Then you realize your pocket full of dollar bills is now just a pocket full of bad decisions and the aroma of stripper perfume. What do you do? Make these Impostor Cinnastix, that’s what! What You’ll Need: Bread, butter, sugar, cinnamon, milk, and powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: If you’re on a diet, just stop reading now. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay pieces of bread onto a piece of foil. - Microwave ¼ cup of butter. - Spread the butter across your pieces of bread. - Mix 2 teaspoons of cinnamon and ½ cup of sugar in a bowl. - Sprinkle your cinnamon sugar on top of your bread. - Let your bread bake in the oven for 10 minutes on 150 degrees. - In a separate bowl, mix ¼ cup of melted butter with ¼ tablespoon of milk and 2 tablespoons of powdered sugar. - Mix well until it looks like icing. - Take your bread out of the oven and let cool. - Drizzle your icing on top of your bread. Bring these with you to the bars and sell them for five bucks a piece to those drunken girls who “need something to absorb the obscene amount of alcohol they drank.” Yeah, good luck with that.

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the booze review booze review: Blackheart Premium Spiced Rum | grade: B Overview: Is there a brand of spiced rum out there that doesn’t involve pirates? Blackheart Spiced Rum not only has a sexy little pirate lady on the bottle, but 46.5% alcohol by volume, ranking it at an even higher proof than its notorious shipmate, Sailor Jerry. History: After many successful years of pillaging and plundering and stealin’ booty and all that fun stuff, many of history’s famous pirates took time out of their lives to settle down and make families. Ol’ Blackbeard found a small seaport town along the eastern coast and tried to blend in like a normal citizen by cutting his hair and speaking less like, well, a terrifying pirate. There he met the town’s only female cartographer and became immediately enamored by her knowledge of the sea. He seduced her with rum and travel stories and captured her booty as well before the night was through. Nine months later, out popped a beautiful baby girl. She grew up yearning for the sea and a treasure chest of her own. She drank heavily with her father and asked repeatedly for him to retell her all of his stories. On her father’s deathbed, Blackbeard and his wife gave the daughter a treasure map that would lead her to her destiny. Instead of directing her to a beautiful ship down at the docks, the girl was led to a

small distillery in the heart of the city. She accepted her fate and began to perfect her craft of making delicious spiced rum. This girl was Blackheart. Typical Drinkers: Johnny Depp, pirate historians, old men with peg legs, the Hawaiian girl on the Sailor Jerry bottle, present-day mapmakers, Buster Bluth, and people who wear eye patches after Lasik surgery. User Comments: “Dude, this chick on the bottle is really hot.” “ARGHHHH!” “I’m either sea sick or just really drunk.” “Aw, rum again?!” “Oh my God, why did I pour so much in here?” Conclusion: Pour yourself a glass of Blackheart next time you sit down to count your schillings. It’ll definitely fit the mood. It’s a few extra dollars than your typical rum but the bottle’s proof will give you some bang for your buck.

Best Mixer: cherry coke | Worst Mixer: sea water

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From the Streets

get your noise out of my ears

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

Why does everyone break up in the fall?

mad max wrote this Over the weekend I listened to my headphones for eight straight hours at the library. No breaks, no phone calls, and if I went to the bathroom, I took my iPod with me. For journalistic integrity, my mental state at appropriate hours is stated verbatim. 40 Minutes: Why in all that is holy in this world did I choose to do this activity? The next seven hours are going to suck. 2 Hours, 30 Minutes: Caught myself humming Green Day fairly loudly. It is unknown how long I’ve been going at it, but it’s been long enough to break the patience of the table next to mine. Sorry guys. 3 Hours, 40 Minutes: Physical effects begin and do not cease for the entirety of the musical overload to my ear holes. Head is hurting and dizzy. Must put away the lightheaded feeling and endure. Endure! 3 Hours, 50 Minutes: I made a playlist of guilty pleasures if the music got to be too much. It mostly consists of teenage girl pop, but it’s really catchy shit. P.S. Thank you, The Veronicas and Carly Rae Jepsen. 4 Hours, 15 Minutes: Back to man tunes. My ideas seem to be floating away, and it’s harder to organize my thoughts and focus on studying. I spend more time tapping my pen against my notebook than actually writing anything down. In my head I’m writing my own guitar riffs and harmony parts. Maybe I should have been a music major. 4 Hours, 35 Minutes: My music is turned up to a volume where I can only faintly hear the sounds of the people around me. It’s been more than four hours of only nodding my head to communicate so I attempt small talk with the person nearest to me without taking out my headphones. He’s about to respond until noticing the black wires leading to my ears. The expression on his face reveals complete confusion. Will attempt more small talk in the future. 5 Hours: If left alone I will start dancing. Hilltop Hoods has become my security blanket protecting me from all the problems of the outside world. Wonder whether continuous music could solve war? Googled “continuous music and war,” and the results show that many governments use sensory overload as a form of torture if they have a lot of time with an enemy spy. Now have less faith in humanity. 5 Hours, 15 Minutes: With my inhibitions significantly lowered, others nearby are more open to head bobbing and arm drumming. I’ve started a movement. They may not know it, and I may not know what it stands for, but it’s commenced. 6 Hours: Acceptance. I’m not going crazy, at least not completely, so there is a new vigor to finish this experiment out.

“Probably because girls are already sending their boyfriends their Christmas lists…” - Lena S., Senior

When ordering coffee, I have no idea what additional ingredients are put in and just nod to whatever they say. When the cash register opens, I hold my wallet open for them as they take a series of singles. May or may not have ended up leaving a tip. 6 Hours, 30 Minutes: The bathroom is more challenging than I anticipated. Must navigate which hand holds the iPod, and the wires leading up to my ears don’t help matters. Anyone in the stalls next to me would have heard the drumming as my hands slap against my thighs. I don’t hear any protests so I continue. 6 Hours, 35 Minutes: Is someone blowing a fucking vuvuzela in the library? Sound is hard to locate due to my hearing being over-stimulated for the past few hours. Can’t turn the volume up to drown out the vuvuzela either since I’m not sure if anyone will notice my weakened condition and attack (paranoia is an ongoing element of my life and has little to do with this musical odyssey). 7 Hours: Simple tasks such as spelling are harder to accomplish. Unless focusing on a keyboard, my fingers have trouble connecting with the right letters. Going to try to help a girl in spandex shorts with her printing problem. Operation Have Sex with Headphones On officially begun. 7 Hours, 2 Minutes: Abort mission. No, I’m not crying. I have allergies. 8 Hours: Ears hurt as if Adele just made sweet love to them. Not comfortable turning the music off yet so I play a few calm songs to get me in an easier state. 8 Hours, 12 minutes: I pluck the ear buds out, and the absence of noise in the room is too eerie to handle. Sounds are still a little hard to locate, but control of my auditory functions come back quickly. After cycling through my iPod library a couple times over, I realized that I need to download a lot more music, and avoid this challenge until I invest in a comfier set of headphones.

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“Because everyone is reunited with their multiple slams from the previous year.” - Jake A., Senior

Point / Counter Point:

Fall TV Shows 666 Park Avenue (ABC)

Ben and Kate (FOX)

Q: A young couple moves into a “too good to be true” apartment complex, and if you haven’t figured it out already from the spoon-fed title, it’s haunted. Who cares about a plot when the preview shows people being sucked into the walls by spirits or committing suicide off the edge of the building? It looks like nothing new, just the same old “whipping out an old book to find out the dragon insignia in the shitter is an evil omen” run-around. Just move you assholes. Problem solved.

Q: Ben is played by Academy Award-winning Nat Foxan, and his older sister Kate is played by Dakota Johnson. Ben is the lovable, awkward man-child, and Kate is the uptight but quirky single mom “trying to make ends meet.” While on the surface this looks like a pretty typical setup, Ben will walk the line of getting under your skin and being endearing/funny perfectly - if you can keep your eyes off his mangled grill, that is.

B: “A streetwise lawyer born and raised in New Jersey joins a posh New York City law firm, where she must defend her clients while surviving her colleagues’ skepticism and her Italian family’s constant interruptions.” In other words, a paint-by-numbers drama full of over-the-top stereotypes. WHAT-A? YOU NO LOVE-A YA MOMMA’S SPICY MEAT-A-BALL NO MORE NOW YOU A BIG CITY GIRL? GABBAGOO!!!

B: The only upside this show offers is the offthe-charts awkwardness potential. Roommate comedies thrive off of tired odd couple tropes, so when it comes time for Ben and Kate to do, “the single mom gets laid” episode, having Ben say, “I can’t believe I had to hear you during sex last night, you cried harder than when dad spanked you,” will be fun for the whole family.

Q: Get over yourself. If people aren’t constantly reminded of stereotypes, how will we ever know when to judge one another? How will our kids know how to walk the line between “playing it by the book” and “getting their hands dirty once in a while”? A bully beats them up – do they give the perp a few cheap shots before turning him in? We need these shows, Brendan, not everyone can paint without numbers.

B: Ah, but Quinn, don’t you see that the producers are taking horror to a whole new level? Because this family leveraged all their assets to afford their Manhattan apartment, they can’t move without dealing with a citizen’s greatest fear: The IRS. Certainly this show is just an extended metaphor for the plight of the American homeowner in the post-recession real estate horrorscape.

The New Normal (FOX)

Chicago Fire (nbc)

B: Listen up, Hollywood. If your best idea for convincing closed-minded people in flyover states that two dudes getting hitched is okay is a shitty sitcom about a gay couple adopting a baby, we as a nation have much larger problems.

B: A show. About firefighters. In Chicago. Produced by Law & Order creator Dick Wolf, this show promises to have the firefighters discover a fire, threaten it without evidence, get frustrated, find a new fire, question it, only to find that it was the first fire’s fault the whole time right when there’s like, three minutes left in each episode. In 2015 prepare for spinoffs Chicago Fire: Lake Forest and Chicago Fire: Aurora.

Q: How else do you want them to represent this classic struggle? People in Hollywood are progressive and better looking, everyone else is backwards and old. If sitcoms aren’t the beacon of change in this country, then yes, we as a nation have much larger problems. I look forward to Digger & Greene the unlikely law partnership of the son of an Oil Baron and a UC Berkeley hippie.

Q: Did you want this to be about the Chicago Fire soccer team, or Mrs. O’Leary? It’s called ESPN, Brendan, and they air US Soccer matches at least twice a year. No, this procedural drama is about a bunch of sexy firefighters (modeled after real Chicago firefighters), putting out fires and taking their shirts off. GOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL (in my pants).

Made in Jersey (CBS)

Just like the World Masturbation Championships, the fall TV schedule offers different strokes for different folks. With such a wide breadth of programming, it’s smarrt-- nay-- necessary to have qualified experts breaking down which new shows you should spend time watching this fall. Sadly, we don’t have any experts. Hell, we can barely afford pants. We do have two editors, though. So, we made Quinn and Brendan debate the merits of eight shows debuting this fall.

Malibu Country (abc)

Q: So this is just Reba right? They are trying to say it’s not, but the lead role is Reba McEntire playing “A mother of two kids, and a once country music sensation trying to get her foot back in the door.” Our only hope is that this show is very dark – Reba moves her family to Malibu, but fails to jumpstart her music career. She delves deep into depression and huffing computer dusters, only to accidentally microwave her youngest daughter in the season finale. B: God, then the second season opens up with Reba getting off on a technicality, only now she has a taste for blood. At night she roams the streets of Malibu, committing random acts of violence on unsuspecting rich couples. Thankfully, the Malibu PD have just the man for the case, a grizzled old cop (Jeff Foxworthy) who’s only days away from retirement. He’s following the trail of blood…and it’s on her hands.

The Mindy Project (FOX) Animal Practice (nbc) B: Ah, a show actually worthy of excitement. After years of seasoning on The Office, Mindy Kaling gets her opportunity to shine. Though The Office may be a shell of its former self, it’s the Bill Walsh of TV shows, spawning disciples that have created current great, Parks and Recreation. Kaling doesn’t rely on any crutches -- like her gender or ethnicity -- to be funny, so don’t expect any terrible CBS-quality jokes about how hard it is to have one’s period in a sari. Q: Kelly is annoying, and this seems to be the same character. A female OBGYN with a “unique persona” trying to navigate her personal and professional life? She’s a rom-com aficionado? Give Creed from The Office his own show. Please.

Q: As much as one would hate to see anything replace the current NBC lineup, this show might be decent. Whether or not it was the psychotic clusterfu*ck that was the closing ceremonies it aired after, the pilot seemed okay. We really like Justin Kirk (Andy from Weeds) and this show looks like that same character with a mix of Dr. House, but in a veterinary. B: Eh, the dialogue in this show is ruff-er than tree BARK!

the interview

menomena

Portland indie rockers Menomena are releasing a new album, Moms, on September 18th before kicking off a nationwide tour. Because they have moms, and we have moms, and you have moms, we thought it would be a wise decision to talk to them. But not about their moms, though. That stuff’s personal, man. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When starting a new album, what mindset do you put yourself in? Justin Harris: We’ve never put ourselves in the mindset, like, we’re making a concept album. On Moms in particular, early on there was a theme, at least, and it gives us a chance to think about issues that you want to write about. But again, it’s not a concept album my any means. TBS: You guys often introduce new instruments into your music. Is that your attempt to create a specific sound you’re looking for, or just a challenge to yourself? Justin: A lot of the time it’s, “How do we make that sound?” TBS: Have you ever had an experience where it just didn’t work? Justin: Yeah, definitely. [Laughs] There might be a couple of times on this album where we’re not sure if it’ll work or not. TBS: There’s democracy behind your songwriting, when do you know you have a finished song? Justin: For us, it’s the person who started writing a song who decides when the song is done. For me, over the years I’ve become familiar with the process. When I start playing something, I see it getting better, and eventually I just know when it’s done. TBS: You guys go to great lengths to recreate how your album sounds live on stage. Why? Justin: I don’t know, we started off early on thinking that’s what you do. You create your music on stage. Sure, it won’t sound exactly the same, but it’s really important to make sure the signatures of the songs are recreated on stage. TBS: With all that stuff going on, how much practice gets into making sure you can perform without screwing something up? Justin: A lot. We spend a lot of individual time working on getting to that point. On one of our songs on the last album I was supposed to be able to play this sax part and this bass part while on stage. Then I handed over the sax part to someone else, but it turns out my body wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t do one without the other, because I had trained my body to do both. It was an interesting realization for me. TBS: So how do you strike the balance between doing all that and still having a sense of showmanship? Justin: It’s something I struggle with daily. There’s a big part of me that wishes I could just go up there and play my instruments, but there’s an element of showmanship that’s necessary in a live show. The more we play songs, the easier it is to incorporate that kind of stuff as part of the show. At the same time, it helps that we have a really animated drummer. [Laughs] TBS: What kind of music are you interested in that your fans wouldn’t assume you’re interested in? Justin: Man, I wish I could ask [band mate] Danny Siem, he listens to a much wider variety of music than I do. I went to the symphony last weekend with a friend of mine, and it got me thinking about symphonics. TBS: What would you consider your greatest athletic achievement? Justin: Hmm, it’s been many years. I pitched a no-hitter in high school.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

the perks of being a wallflower in theaters - 9/21 Based on the 1999 uber-emotional (albeit, spot-on) novel by Stephen Chbosky, Perks tells the tale of self-proclaimed wallflower Charlie (Logan Lerman), an incoming high school freshman. The first-person narrative takes us through his highs and lows of adolescence, from the freeing feeling of being infinite to his rocky pursuit of his friend's sister (Emma Watson). no doubt - push and shove in store - 9/25 Sure, Gwen Stefani has released two solo albums in the past decade that were so successful that that shit was bananas. But the group has a whole hasn't released an album since 2001's Rock Steady, and these Californians have been hard at work on their latest album since 2010. Push and Shove, their sixth studio album, features beat geniuses Diplo and Major Lazer. Check out "Settle Down" and "Push and Shove."

brickleberry 9/25 @ 10:30pm on comedyy central If you watched Tosh.0 last season, you know a thing or two about the new animated series from the disturbed yet hilarious mind of comedian Daniel Tosh. With celebrities galore doing the voiceovers of these national park forest rangers, we're looking forward to a new animated comedy that is one part Parks and Rec and one part South Park.

the classtime

chain restaurant round-up Applebees arbys burger king checkers chilis culvers dairy Queen jimmy johns kfc mcdonalds

olive garden panda express Panera PIzza hut popeyes quiznos subway taco bell Wendys white castle

the classtime

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

Wedding destination: • Dominican Republic • Dom Peditro, Brazil • Domino’s Pizza • Downtown Des Moines

type of cake: • Vegan Pomegranate • Cookie Cake • Oreo Ice Cream Cake • Your Sister’s Leftovers

career path: • Italian Chef • Telemarketer • Crab Fisherman • Car Wash Cashier

Token drunken attendee: • Mother of the Groom • Grandfather of the Bride • Maid of Honor • Midlife Crisis Priest

Honeymoon adventure: • Hammock Camping • Rain Forest Exploration • Jamaica, Queens • Mt. Everest

midlife crisis: • Buys Mercedes Convertible • Face tattoo • Plastic Surgery ala Heidi Montag • Mike’s Hard Lemonade Addict

Wedding entree: • Spaghetti • Chef Boyardee Ravioli • AYCE Soup & Salad • Frozen Lasagna

Pet acquired: • Bottle-nosed Dolphin • Common Marmoset • Maine Coon Kitten • Lice

Claim to Fame: • EDM Sensation • Becomes Facebook CEO • Breeds Kangaroos • Stops World Hunger

some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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