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Volume 21, Issue 5 9/19/12 - 9/26/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
Champaign Police Robot Destroy’s Some Guy’s Bag of Books on University of Illinois Campus mike benson wrote this On the afternoon of Monday, September 17th, a woman named Christine was standing on Armory Street, outside of the Harding Band Building, waiting for a friend to arrive. When a campus police officer approached Christine about her bag which was obstructing foot traffic, she replied that the bag was not hers. She offered to move the bag anyway when the cop stopped her, looked her dead in the eye and asked, “Why move it when we can blow it up?” A moment later a call came into the CPD’s station about the mysterious bag. The operator, who was at first confused, asked the officer to elaborate, “Officer, is there anything about this bag which causes suspicion?” “Well, no, not really. I mean, there’s probably just books in it...” “...” “...But there could be a bomb in it.” “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” “Let’s fire up that fucking robot.” Moments before these events transpired a man named Brett had been nervously walking down Armory Ave. For the past year, Brett had been slaving away at his doctoral dissertation in physics and was just on his way to turn it in and defend it. Being that he was a bit early for his appointment, he decided that it would probably be a good idea to hop into the Harding Band Building’s bathroom before he got there. As he was sitting in the bathroom, Brett was going over all of the reasons why he hated this town. For the past eight years and change Brett had done nothing but slave away at his work and be harassed by the drunken idiots who surrounded him. This was finally his chance to show this town that he had overcome it. He could leave and never come back to it again. Just then, Brett had a feeling that he had forgotten something. He looked around and realized that he had completely forgotten his bag in the middle of the sidewalk. Inside this bag was his dissertation, his laptop which contained all of the save files for his work, and the piles of research he had accumulated during his study. Essentially, four years of work.
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Brett rushed out of the bathroom and sprinted out the door onto Armory Ave. When he got outside he noticed that a large crowd had accumulated. When he asked the crowd what was going on, they all told him that there had been a bomb threat called on the street. At first Brett was nervous about his safety, but then remembered that he had to find his bag. He ran through the crowd to get to where he had left his bag when he ran into a police barricade. “Woah woah woah sonny, you ain’t gettin’ past here. There might be a bomb over there,” the officer replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the action. “Besides, there’s no way I’m letting you get a better view than me.” “Officer, you don’t understand. My bag is over there. That bag has my entire life in it. I need to get it.” “Wait, is that your bag?” The officer asked, pointing to black suitcase which was being slowly approached by a large robot.
what’s inside
“That’s it! Thank God, do you think you could ask one of your officers to go grab it?” “Not a chance. We spent millions of dollars on this laser-shooting robot, and I’d be damned if this wasn’t the day that we were finally going to be able to use it. You think we put all that Unofficial money fro underage drinking towards campus safety initiatives? Hell no, it's all been going to a secret "robot laser fund" for the past five years. Besides, you don’t want to be anywhere near there when those lasers go off,” the officer said giddily as he pulled out a bag of popcorn. “Want some? This is going to be fucking awesome.” The robot then approached the bag, began to violently shake, and then released a bright jolt of orange electricity which caused the bag to explode in a glorious tumult. The crowd began to cheer as the police officers packed up the robot and left the scene completely satisfied. Brett sat silently on the side walk reflecting on how much work the next four years was going to be, as a circle of frat boys shotgunned beers in celebration of the "orgy of awesome" that just happened.
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