Illinois - 3/28/2013 - Issue 10 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fr e yo e... ur lik lo e 1 ca .9% lh A on PR f da in de anc al in er g a sh ip! t

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The All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 22, Issue 10 • 3/27/13 - 4/3/13

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Dear The Black Sheep,

I recently read that The Black Sheep was going to whore itself out to large corporations in order to remedy some of its recent financial woes. How could you even think about doing that? Sincerely, Disappointed Dear Sir/Madam, First, you have to understand that all the cool publications on campus are doing it. The Daily Illini has been alienating their readers through sensationalist articles and unwarranted tuition increases for more than a year now. The slightly less popular leg of Illini Media, buzz, isn’t as up-front about their whoring as The DI, but you just have to read between the lines. For instance, Community Editor Thomas Thoren chose Aroma Curry House’s Vegetable Biriyani as the best Asian dish in Champaign-Urbana, which is complete bullshit. There must have been some money slipped under the table on that one. As for the guys over at Smile Politely well, I’m not even sure what those guys

are doing over there. I did meet one of their photographers at Pygmalion this year, and I think I scared him. He might have been stoned, which leads me to believe that Smile Politely must be selling out to somebody. You can’t afford marijuana if nobody reads your magazine. Finally, I simply can’t sleep at night unless I let the world know about all that the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan has to offer. With its Advanced Compatibility Engineering™, Anti-Lock Braking System with Electronic Brake Distribution, and Dual-Stage, Multiple-Threshold Front Airbags, it cannot be beat for such a low, low price! Sincerely, The Only Publication Keeping It Real

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: I Only screw Guys in Hondas Making road head safer since 1948.

page 6: Stranded Spring Breakers Saved by All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan with Leather Interior No thanks to that piece-of-shit Camry.

page 7: I Wanna Go Fast! Again! An inside look at the new Fast & Furious 6.

page 9: Top 10: Best Things to Do That Begin With 'H' and End in 'Onda'

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There's a lot more than you'd think.

page 9: Takanobu Ito's Honda Factory One child earns the ultimate prize.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Taylor and Naomi say, "Don't drink and drive!"

Table of

page 19: Are You Smarter Than? Bob Ortigara, Modern Day Einstein.

page 20: Recent Study Shows: People Who Drive Toyotas Have Small Dicks Watch out ladies! Decreased performance ahead.

page 20: Pope Benedict XVI's New Career Path Loving the life as a Honda dealership Easter bunny.

page 21: We Interview: Honda Motor Company CEO, Takanobu Ito Man, does this guy know what he's talking about.

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

page 20 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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I Only screw Guys in Hondas kitty kat wrote this Some girls need a lot of attention and shiny things to get aroused; I’m not so picky. It really only takes a few words to get my panties sopping wet, and those words are, “I drive a Honda Civic.” Contrary to popular belief, Hondas aren’t the transportation equivalent of mom jeans. These things are sexy, stylish, and the ultimate moan-maker. Especially the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. Why? You think 32 miles per gallon is good performance? Try keeping up with a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan driver, he’ll wear out the inside of your pussy after several hours of rigorous thrusting. And damn, just take a look at that thing! The exterior of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan is sexual lube all on its own. The car's body curves and the dip, like the smooth skin cascading down my chest and hips when you rub up against it. Even one of the possible color choices sounds orgasmic. Say it with me: Alabaster Silver Metallic. See how delicious that sounds? Don’t you just want to shove it in your mouth and flick it with your tongue a little bit? Jesus Rimjobbing Christ, I just came from typing it. The 2013 Honda Civic Sedan is also known for its comfortable 60/40 split rear seatback. For those who are car illiterate, this means the backseat folds down to create a larger area for cargo … or passengers. And that 60/40 split? Sounds like how much time my man will be spending in my ass and mouth. Yeah, that leather interior may be clean, but this bitch is straight-up dirty. And as a fan of the environment, any guy who feels the same definitely earns some brownie points with me. The Civic Sedan is equipped with Eco Assist™ and the ECON button, which automatically calculates and sets the car to run at its most efficient levels. This causes drivers to go even further on a tank of gas. Any responsible man who can stretch their dollar to help save the whales is unbelievably sexy, and deserves a little more attention in the area where Mother Nature’s sun doesn’t shine. God damn, his dick is going to be so deep inside me, he’ll think he’s in the Mariana Trench. For some people, road head is the ultimate foreplay. However, a lot of those people end up paralyzed after head-on accidents and failed airbags. Those people didn’t have Hondas. The all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan comes standard with Dual-Stage, Multiple-Threshold Front Airbags that deploy specifically in the event of a frontal impact. This is in addition to the side curtain airbags, SmartVent front side airbags and three-point tension seatbelts that keep riders more secure during sudden stops or impact. And believe me, there’s going to be a lot of impact. Sucking dick in a Civic

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Sedan is so much more relaxed when I know my neck won’t snap in a million places. The safety of the Civic lets me spend a little more time working the gear shaft—er, shift. He’ll work that knob while I work his. Another reason I only get down with guys in Hondas is the Pandora compatibility. Playlists filled with the best of the 90s slow jams are just a click away. No more skipping CD tracks, unreliable cassette tapes or annoying radio commercials. Just a few smooth tracks to set rhythm for the impending dry humping. All you have to say is, “Play me some R. Kelly,” and you have a lined up track list to keep the mood right. Just don’t get urine on the interior, unless you’re talking about the interior of my mouth. I’m not snobby or high maintenance; it’s just a standard that every woman should hold herself to. Do yourself a favor, ladies. Drop your dude and his Camry, unless you want unreliability on the road and weakness between the sheets. I know I’ll keep enjoying my Honda men, no matter what new models they come out with. So let’s put the key in the ignition, baby, and take a ride down town.

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Stranded Spring Breakers Saved by All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan with Leather Interior tex mex wrote this Late last week, four University of Illinois students celebrating spring break found themselves on the verge of death when their “faulty, piece-of-shit” Toyota Camry failed them deep within the arid wastelands of Arizona. Their savior: a well-dressed man sporting the brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan complete with Eco Assist™ and a Drive-by-Wire Throttle system ideal for such hellish driving conditions. “My mouth was so dry I couldn’t like, breathe at all,” said Meghan, a junior at UIUC. “My lips were chapped, and I ran out of moisturizer for my hands within the first hour that we were stranded because of Brian’s dad’s godforsaken 2012 Camry XV50.” The fragile junior began to shed tears of joy as her eyes beamed with the vibrancy of a White Orchid Pearl 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, one of nine designer model colors. “Then… it came like the second coming of Christ, if Jesus featured a 5-speed automatic transmission with a custom made SOHC i-VTEC® engine. As soon as the rescue car’s enhanced daytime running lights flashed in our direction, I knew we were saved.” The apparition-like vehicle was commandeered by Tucson resident Jerry Steelport who was joyriding in his new Civic Sedan directly after purchasing it from a local Honda dealership earlier that day for a low, low price. The valiant Civic Sedan’s angelic appearance may have been due to the fact that Steelport opted for the sleek and ultra-polished Taffeta White exterior, a finish that beautifully glimmers under harsh sunlight without causing unnecessary discomfort in the eyes of onlooking beholders. Steelport was more than enthusiastic to recount his awe-inspiring experience with the new 2013 model. “What really sold me was the i-MID, the intelligent Multi-Information Display system of the

Civic. Sure, the Pandora connectivity, high-resolution LCD display and advanced Bluetooth capabilities are all nice, but I’ve always been a sucker for extensive built-in navigation systems. So I just sort of closed my eyes, wiggled my finger and tapped a random road on my screen, lo and behold, my Civic steered me into the direction of these poor college kids. I’m not a superstitious man, but I definitely felt a connection at that moment. My Civic Sedan was… in a way, I guess, communicating to me as if we’d known each other for years. It was magical.” All four of the rescued students immediately piled into the all-new 2013 Civic Sedan where they were greeted with the luxurious all-leather interior. Although they weren’t able to experiment with the 60/40 split rear seatback features allowing for backseat customization, the previously troubled spring breakers were grateful for having their lives saved in such style and class. One student even went as far as to say that if it weren’t for the cup holders fit for King Midas himself, he “probably would have stayed behind and decayed alongside the Camry’s functionality as a dependable vehicle.” When asked about what had malfunctioned in the Camry hours before they began calling, texting and tweeting for help, Brian responded in a confused fashion. “Oh, no, there was nothing wrong with the car’s engine or anything, save the fact that it spazzed out like a middle-aged man experiencing heart failure for the first time and completely blew through the hood. And that whole ‘all-terrain’ tire thing the Toyota dealer droned on about? I’m pretty sure I could have driven this car on a wide-open, flatland plain, and it would still find a way to jolt itself horrifically off track and on its side. I mean, can you

imagine driving in one of those tacky, soccer-mom-attracting cars for twenty-eight hours straight? My buddies and I were way too cramped, and I’m pretty sure Dylan is still recovering from heat stroke caused by the car’s inconsistency in properly adjusting the air conditioning." While the newly friended quintet celebrated the ride back to Tucson, the party jammed to the Civic’s personal playlist with the combination of full Pandora compatibility along with a USB audio interface perfect for Steelport’s own collection of music. When Steelport used the voice recognition feature to ask the Civic to “play more Billy Joel, please,” the car’s hands-free programmed voice responded with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, but here are some tracks from a very talented ‘Piano Man.’” It was reported that hearty laughter and general merriment ensued. Steelport and his all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan are currently slated to appear on an Oprah TV special later this spring.

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I Wanna Go Fast! Again! scotty g. wrote this The Black Sheep was lucky enough to land an interview with Justin Lin, the director of this spring’s most anticipated movie—Fast & Furious 6—to discuss the latest installment of the franchise. You might know Lin as the director of Tokyo Drift, Fast & Furious, Fast Five and the “Modern Warfare” episode of Community. Strap in, flip on the NOS and get ready to drive stick, cause we’re going inside Fast 6. The Black Sheep: So Mr. Lin, this is your fourth Fast movie. What can you tell us about it? Justin Lin: This one’s gonna be nuts. If you thought Fast Five was impossible to believe and still wildly entertaining, you’re gonna love Fast 6. The whole crew is back. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker like cars, and they don’t care who knows. Especially when they’re cruising in a brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, fully equipped with Dual-Stage, Multiple Threshold Front Airbags. I can actually give you a quick sneak peek if you want. Let’s read a quick excerpt from the film. I’ll play Walker, you play Diesel. (Bullets flying, wheels screeching) WALKER: Let’s go Dom! Hurry! Get in the car! DIESEL: No, O’Connor. We’re takin’ my ride. (Grenade explosion) WALKER: What’s this? I’ve never been in such a luxurious mid-size vehicle. DIESEL: I know, this thing’s the tits, but we’re not driving it for the luxury. When you’ve got the Feds and the cartels on your heels, you need a ride that can take some hits. Electronic Brake Distribution, Daytime Running Headlights. Nobody’s gonna stop us in this brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. (A helicopter is hit by a rocket launcher)

WALKER: Look out! We’re gonna crash! DIESEL: Don’t worry, the all new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan comes with front 3-point seatbelts with Automatic Tensioning Systems! TBS: That sounds amazing. Is any of the rest of the gang coming back for part six? JL: All of ‘em. But honestly, it was a little tough finding a place for everyone. With the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s Drive-by-Wire Throttle System, there was no need to have characters souping up cars. I mean what are they gonna do, add in a second Satellite-Linked Navigation System with Voice Recognition? TBS: I know we’re all excited to see it. In the trailer alone there was a tank, a low-riding car-flipping speedster, and a car blasting out the nose of an airplane. If you were comfortable showing us all that ahead of time, then there must be some crazy stunts in this one. JL: Here’s what I can tell you about the stunts: We went all out. Next level insanity. If you thought it was cool when the fasties used a giant safe as a cop-car-smashing hammer of death, you’re gonna lose your mind during the climactic scene of Rapido Seis. Imagine a brutal fist fight between hero and villain on top of a rusty cement truck driving pedal-to-the-medal while getting chased by coked up Brazilian drug lords and going the wrong way in the middle of a Formula One race, and then forget that and imagine something way cooler: Imagine Paul Walker backing into a compact parking spot using only the Multi-Angle Rearview Camera that comes standard in all 2013 Honda Civic Sedans.

TBS: Sure, we won’t print this part. JL: Ok, so we’ve got all the usual stuff that you love. I finally got to use my favorite car ever. It’s a mint-condition, 140-horsepower, 4 cylinder, XM satellite radio-capable 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. This thing just rules the road. And at such a sensible price! All the guys are driving one: Tyrese, Kang, Walker, Diesel, The Rock. Heck, Dwayne’s taking his kids to soccer practice in the damn thing! It’s just that great! Fans are coming up with theories about how Michelle Rodriguez’s character managed to survive. I can’t give you a straight answer, but let me say this, the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan has side curtain airbags with rollover sensors that can work miracles.

TBS: In my mind, I was picturing the drug lords in this sleek shiny European car that probably isn’t even legal in America. I gotta ask if you can reveal something about the cars. I’m dying to know what these guys are driving. JL: Well, this part would be a bit of a spoiler. The studio says I’m not

Make sure you check out The Fast & Furious 6 in theaters May 24th. Big thanks to Mr. Lin for giving us the inside scoop, and an even bigger thanks to Universal Pictures for allowing us a test drive in those stylish and affordable 2013 Honda Civic Sedans. I can’t believe it comes with a Tire Pressure Monitoring System!

I HAD SOME TROUBLE GETTING MY LADY IN THE MOOD RECENTLY.

BUT AFTER PURCHASING THE ALLNEW 2013 HONDA CIVIC SEDAN...

THE BLOWJOBS ARE LITERALLY ENDLESS!

supposed to tell anyone. Off the record?

TBS: Oh my god, this is gonna be the best movie ever. Thanks so much for talking with us.

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R |D R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES

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Getting to Class: Walking, Biking, or Driving a Sweet-Ass Honda? John McHoneyCombs wrote this Getting around campus can always be such a chore. You have several options at your disposal like walking, biking, or taking the bus. But only one option comes with 140 horsepower of pure kickass. We’re talking about the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. With heated front seats and a sexy leather interior, it makes getting from your comfy, cool bed to that packed and sweaty 8 a.m. so much easier. As a college student, you’re naturally living on a budget. Walking will cause you to go through a new pair of shoes every year, which can cost you hundreds of dollars in the long run. Biking will lead to several collisions with pedestrians which can costs you thousands in medical bills, not to mention the occasional maintenance of new tires, helmets, fixed gears and whatnot. That’s where the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan comes in. This little pussy-wagon gets an amazing 32 miles per gallon and can’t be beat by any other midsize sedan in its class. Suck that, gas prices! Don’t sweat your student loans when you can get a brand new 2013 Honda Civic starting at only $18,000! (Taxes and other

latest from Michael Buble, brought to life through the car’s 160-Watt audio system with Pandora compatibility. Heck, you might not even get outta the car, and that’s not a bad thing! Walking to class does have one benefit: You’re able to take more shortcuts than any other form of transportation out there. But hold on there trooper, don’t count that Honda Civic out just yet! With its Vehicle Stability Assist you’ll hardly notice a difference in handling when you pop the curb and decide to take a little cruise through the Quad to make it to lecture on time. Since that would be terribly unsafe to all persons involved, The Black Sheep couldn’t possibly endorse this car. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Just fucking with you, champ. With its 3-point tension seatbelts and MultipleThreshold Front Airbags, everyone inside the car will barely feel a bump as you go careening through crowds of squirrels, people, hobos or whatever is in your way. So go for it! Just don’t tell your lawyers where you got the idea. Honda is not

responsible and cannot ensure the safety of anyone outside the vehicle if the driver happens to embark

fees may apply).

on a murderous killing spree.

Now let’s consider pure comfort. During these fickle Illinois spring months you’re going to want to stay bundled up and try to minimize your exposure to that bone-chilling air. Walking will be a no-go, and biking only capitalizes on the wind chill factor. What you’ll want is automatic climate control, like the one featured in the new Honda Civic Sedan. It can turn the frosty winter commutes into toasty, enjoyable cruises. You’ll be drifting along in ecstasy as you listen to

As far as pure exercise is concerned, walking or biking to class hold a leg up. However, last we heard exercise is for little sissy boys. That’s why guys skip the gym and just sniff protein powder instead. Your legs just can’t get the same workout as they would if they were enjoying the spacious legroom of a brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan LX! You’ll find that since you get to all your classes faster and save so much at the pump with the Honda, you can simply invest

that back into a gym membership. Then you can satisfy all those hot girls checking you out in your new car. Look, all we’re saying is that anyone who doesn’t drive the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan is a complete moron and should not be allowed to have children so as to infect the rest of the world with their nonsense. Now forget those other methods of transportation, your brand-new ride is waiting for you today!

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The

Top 10

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Best Things To Do That Begin With 'h' and end in 'onda'

Maybe you think this list could be pretty limited, but we promise you: If you can experience all of the following, you’ve lead a full and accomplished life. 10.) Have Sex with Jane Fonda: Jane Fonda’s film career may have peaked in the 1970s, but at the age of 75, Hanoi Jane still has the tenacity and sexual fervor she did when filming her workout videos in the ‘80s. Men were mesmerized by those videos, and if you play your cards right, she would love to bust out those old moves so you could experience your own Fun with Dick and Jane. 9.) Host a Viewing Party of the 1997 Film Anaconda: Why wouldn’t you want to watch the best killer snake movie in the history of American film? This movie finishes with Ice Cube lighting a snake on fire. Also, the snake had just regurgitated Jon Voight’s lifeless body. Also also, Ice Cube then beats the snake to death with an axe. We know, we’re surprised the movie didn’t win Best Screenplay at the Oscars.

Takanobu Ito’s Honda Factory sean neumann wrote this As poor, little Tatsu Yang stepped out of his slum apartment and onto the dirty, urban streets of Tokyo, Japan, the little boy could not help but to think how much nicer his trip to school would be in a brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, the 4-cylinder, 140 horse-powered machine of the gods. As the frightening, thug-ridden city of Tokyo surrounded Yang, he began to feel unsafe—unlike the Civic Sedan, the first small car to earn the highest possible safety rating from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety—and hid behind a dumpster in the nearest alley he could find. As Yang rummaged through the trash, looking for dinner to bring home to his family, the small boy found a very special envelope. He was unsure what the envelope marked “winner” was, but when he cracked open the seal Yang found a golden ticket. Running home to his mother and father, Yang busted into the broken-down home and revealed his prize. His father excitedly explained that Yang had discovered the last golden ticket to visit Takanobu Ito’s magic Honda factory where the allnew 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, the safest mid-sized sedan in its class, was made. On the day of the visit, Yang and his father congregated around the gigantic doors of the Japanese Honda factory. Two other winners joined them: a young girl named Jacky Chan with her father, and a young boy, Yao Mang, accompanied by his mother. Bruce Li also won but didn’t make it to the factory because his dad’s undependable Toyota Camry broke down just three miles from the factory. Honda CEO Takanobu Ito exclaimed in excitement as he shuffled the winners into the factory. He had called the children there to find the most responsible one, worthy of an impressive prize. Inside the factory, Yang sat in a replica of the allnew 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s leather-trimmed seats, complimented with drink holders and a climate control setting for convenience. Yang said it was “the most comfortable” he had ever been in his life. Sneaky little Jacky Chan chose to sit in the Toyota Camry model, which was set up as a trap to find the disloyal contestant. Chan was sucked into the Camry’s sandpaper-like interior and felt his skin burning and itching from the jagged upholstery.

While sitting inside his choice of car, Yang was entertained by the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s intelligent Multi-Information Display screen readily available to him. Yang listened to the complimentary Pandora Radio feature, while texting his friends and receiving turn-by-turn directions, a remarkable interior feature of the Honda Civic, guaranteeing you never get lost or bored while driving in absolute luxury. Ito welcomed the two remaining children, Yang and Mang, into the “Room of Security.” Inside, Yang found walls surrounded by what he initially thought were soft, feather-pillows. Instead, they turned out to be the material of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s top-safety rated airbags. Yang said he didn't even realize that he had a seatbelt on until he tried to get up to move to the next room. “It felt like nothing was there!” Yang said, in utter relaxation. Yang and Mang were then brought into Ito’s “Systems Room,” where little orange men in lab coats analyzed data on the award-winning Honda Civic Sedan. The workers showed off the car’s Multi-Point Fuel Injection system, which guarantees better gas mileage than most four-door sedans, saving drivers money and granting peace of mind. However, little Yao Mang was greedy and thought that perhaps the Toyota Camry on display saved more gas and began to question Ito. But Mang was wrong … terribly wrong. Little did he know, the Toyota Camry’s engine burned oil, and with it, Mang. The hot oil sprang out from all orifices of the car and covered Mang with oozing boils. As the ashy Mang ran out of the factory crying, Ito smiled, knowing that Yang successfully passed his secret test. Ito called out his name and as Yang turned, a pair of keys fell from Ito’s tiny, wise hands and into Yang’s. Ito gave Yang the best gift of all, a brand new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. What Ito didn’t realize was that Yang was just a seven-year-old boy who doesn’t know how to drive, but despite crashing several times while exiting the factory parking lot, the young poor boy was safe as can be, because Yang was driving the safest car on the market—the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. Buy one today!

8.) Hook Up With a Married Woman in Wauconda: Located just an hour northwest of Chicago, Wauconda, Illinois, is the perfect place to start your own extramarital affair with an Illinoisan housewife. With a population of 14,000, Wauconda has a level of intimacy without sacrificing variety in your sexual adventure. If you need a hasty exit from a pursuing husband, hop over to Woodstock and try your luck with another sexually repressed mother of three! 7.) Hallucinate About the Lost Underwater City of Urbonda: Eat too many psychedelic mushroom caps and take a walk around the streets of Urbana. In no time, the toadstools will kick in, and you’ll be swimming in the forgotten underwater city known as Urbonda. You’ll end up being arrested for actually just jumping in a kiddy pool screaming, “Aqua Man is my bro!” over and over again. 6.) Habituate an Unhealthy Obsession with E. Honda: A staple of the Street Fighter franchise, the Japanese sumo wrestler E. Honda is a walking fat heap that destroys all his opponents. You could study for finals, or you could play Super Street Fighter IV until you’re a master of the Hundred Hand Slap. Actually, gain 400 pounds, walk around shirtless, and sew your own mawashi until no one dares to make eye contact with you. 5.) Host a Fence-Pulling Ceremony for ONDA: For people who love the Oregon deserts, the Oregon Natural Desert Association (ONDA) is always seeking participants. You can become a new member or take action to inform elected officials to love and appreciate Oregon’s deserts. You can also hold a fence-pulling to rip down barbed wire from beautiful landscapes that were clearly installed for safety measures. Sounds like fun! 4.) Hold a Night Vigil for Kanye West’s Mom, Donda: A victim of the plastic surgery culture in Hollywood, Donda West represents a longing in all of us to be famous for little to no talent. Commemorate her passing, only until Kanye West bursts in front of everyone yelling, “Now, I’mma let you finish…” 3.) Harass Japanese Figure Skater Yoshie Onda: We were all disappointed when Yoshie retired in 1997. But do you know what really puts the pressure on unknown international athletes? Stalkers. So get out there and bring Yoshie back to ice-dance for us! 2.) “Help Me, Rhonda”: Take The Beach Boys by the hand and lose yourself in the simple words of Brian Wilson with this 1965 track. Helping us to understand the idea of lost love, add this track to the long list of great Beach Boys songs that enable us to repress Brian’s insanity. 1.) Harbor the World in the Palm of Your Hand after Driving the Brand New Honda: The all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan boasts a mind-blowing aluminum alloy engine block, 14.89 steering ratio and standard Electronic Break Distribution. This car contains all the qualities of a transport vehicle for you to finally be better than everybody else!

david rubin wrote this

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Point-Counterpoint: The 2012 Honda Civic Sedan vs. The All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan benny boy wrote this All right, ladies and gentlemen, here’s where we put the debate to rest. For too long people have wondered which is the superior vehicle on the road: the classic 2012 Honda Civic Sedan, which has entranced drivers for months now, or the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan (starting at just over $18,000, consult your local Honda dealer for options and listings). Here the two sides will duke it out, and only the strongest Honda Civic Sedan shall endure.

All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Sure thing! The 1.8-liter, single overhead camshaft, aluminum-alloy i-VTEC® 4-cylinder engine allows the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan to speed past its rivals, especially the 2013 Toyota Camry, which sports a menstruating vagina underneath its hood. The five-speed automatic transmission of the 2013 Civic Sedan also gives the car an extra boost of acceleration and enhanced fuel efficiency.

2012 Honda Civic Sedan: Let me take you back one year: The roads were dull with stupid-looking Hyundai models and dickless idiots driving Toyota Camrys, when all of a sudden the 2012 Honda Civic Sedan (starting at just over $15,000) came out of the woodwork and blew away the competition with its sleek design and 28 city/36 highway miles per gallon. In terms of innovation, there is really nothing that beats the 2012.

2012 Honda Civic Sedan: That certainly does sound impressive. But surely it must therefore lack in terms of safety features?

All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Don’t get me wrong, the 2012 Honda Civic Sedan was really a great car for its time. If somebody was looking for a quality vehicle at just over $15,000, I would highly recommend that they pay a visit to their local Honda dealer and pick one up. However, I have to disagree with you when you say that nothing could beat the 2012 Honda Civic Sedan, because the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan has done just that! With a 28 city/39 highway mpg and a 140-hp, 1.8-liter, 16-valve, SOHC i-VTEC® engine, the 2013 model is the cream of the crop for midsized sedans. 2012 Honda Civic Sedan: Wow, a 140-hp, 1.8-liter, 16-valve, SOHC i-VTEC® engine? Can you tell me more about that?

All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Not true! In fact, the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan was awarded the 2013 IIHS Top Safety Pick. In fact, you could drive your 2013 Honda into a brick wall at up to 90 mph and the front 3-point seat belts with Automatic Tensioning System and Dual-Stage, Multiple-Threshold Front Airbags would keep you safe. 2012 Honda Civic Sedan: Wait, is that true? All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Yes, yes it is. 2012 Honda Civic Sedan: This almost seems too good to be true. But still, I think that people should be buying American. All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Guess what? These cars are fucking built in America. 2012 Honda Civic Sedan: Mother of God.

Thusly, a clear winner emerges. Keep in mind though that the 2012 Honda Civic is not a bad car. In fact, for just over $15,000 it is one of the better options on the road. If that seems like it is in your price range, take a ride down to your local Honda dealership for options and listings. However, it is safe to say that in the eternal battle over the 2012 Honda Civic Sedan vs. the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, the 2013 model wins out as the best American-made, mid-sized sedan in its class. Pick one up and start driving today!

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 FRATTLE of the DJ's Starts Wed, April 3rd DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

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$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

MONDAY: Jucifer "20 Years of Slaying Ears" Tour Doors at 9pm, $10

Beer Garden Season is Slowly On It's Way! Come check us out for lunch and a beer

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

New Spring Seasonal Food Specials $2 Fireball, $2 Woodchuck

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Watch the NCAA Tourney! 6pm Marquette vs Miami 6:30pm Arizona vs Ohio St. 8:45pm Indiana vs Syracuse WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS! During the Games!

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Watch the NCAA Tourney! Michigan vs Kansas 6:30pm Michigan St. vs Duke 8:30pm $5 Bud Light 40's - $3 Captain $3.99 Haus Fries

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DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

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MONDAY 4/1

CUBS OPENING DAY! 12:30pm Cubs vs Pirates! Blue Beer on Tap! WIN CUBS TICKETS! 7pm Hawks vs. Predators WIN HAWKS TICKETS!

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Jucifer "20 Years of Slaying Ears" Tour Doors at 9pm, $10

Skip chapter and come watch the Hawks! $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 4/2

$2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm $2 Wells Half Price Sharkbowls

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DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

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Watch the NCAA Tourney! $2 U Call Its All Day $1 Miller Light Bottles

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THURSDAY: Shacker Night with DJ ROCK CITY! Don't miss one of Chicago's Top DJs! $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS $2.50 Fireball Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 3/27

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BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

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$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

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SAT. 3/30

Closed for Easter

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"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

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Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 4/1

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

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Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 4/2

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Wednesdays! $1.50 Bud Light Bottles Battle of the DJs Coming Soon!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/3

SATURDAY: Watch the NCAA Tourney!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Watch the NCAA Tourney! $2.50 Cuervo and Captain Morgan Drinks, $3 24oz. Miller Lite, Coors Lite and Bud Light Cans Party w/ the Cuervo Girls!

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

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Collect Them All!

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$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$3 32oz. Drafts, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks, $2 Shots of Rumplemintz and Goldschlager Party w/ the Bacardi Girls at 9!

[PartyPics]

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bartenders of the week Relationship status: Married to my Honda Civic

Relationship status: Single Nickname: Tay Day Day

Nickname: Na-hoe-mi

One place you want to travel in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: South America

One place you want to travel in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: The Bunny Ranch in Nevada (the only legal brothel) A.K.A. my next job

Best place to have sex in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: The driver’s seat

Best place to have sex in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: The trunk

Describe the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan in three words: Strong. Reliable. Sexy

Opinion of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s performance: Always leaves me satisfied

Opinion of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s performance: It’s absolutely wonderful!

Best food to eat in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Sausage

Best food to eat in a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Firehaus fries

Average speed you would drive the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: 69 mph

Part of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan you’d like to marry: The carburetor (Editor’s note: The 2013 Honda Civic Sedan does not have a carburetor.)

Rate the safety of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan on a scale from 1 to Lindsay Lohan: Steve-O Opinion of Toyota drivers: Perform in the bed like the car on the road, subpar

Naomi

white horse inn

Sexiest feature of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: SMS Text Message Function, for sexting One thing you want to tell everyone about the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: It’ll give you the ride of your life

the drinking game:

The Fast and the Furious Beer Pong Before consuming any alcohol, leave the keys to your all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan at the door. Honda does not promote drinking and driving at any time. Ever wish you had the same rush as the drivers in The Fast and the Furious do when they are diving? The Fast and the Furious beer pong provides players the same rush without ever getting behind the wheel! Grab one of your friends with fast hands and get ready to play. What You’ll Need: Beer, a table, four ping pong balls and 20 cups. Number of Players: Two teams of two. Level of Intoxication: Even that Toyota Corolla will be looking sexy. How To Play: - Set up a pyramid with five cups on each corner of the table (a pyramid in front of each player). Each team should have two pyramids on their sides of the table. - Fill each cup all the way up with beer, like you do unleaded gas in your Honda Civic. - On the count of three, every player should try to make a ball in their opponents’ cups. - If you opponent gets a ball in your cup you must chug it, and your partner cannot shoot until you finish your cup. However, they’re allowed to block balls fired at your team’s cups while you are chugging away. - A player may not hold onto a ball for more than five seconds. If they do, stick them in your all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan for 10 minutes and make them listen to the worst Pandora station possible. - If a player makes a shot off a bounce or behind the back it counts as two cups. - If a player takes longer than 45 seconds to chug their beer, they must drink another cup. The Game Ends When: A team successfully gets the other team wasted by making all of their cups. Leave your Honda Civic keys with a designated driver. Honda Civic cares about your safety, unlike Toyota!

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Opinion of Toyota drivers: Spoiled mama’s boys Sexiest feature of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Pandora compatibility

Taylor

Firehaus

Favorite color of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: Kona Coffee Metallic One thing you want to tell everyone about the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan: You’ll get laid driving it!

recipe for disaster:

Honda Civic Pure Oil With Honda Civic Pure Oil your all new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan will glide across the roadways like soft silk on a fair maiden’s skin. Don’t ruin your Civic’s engine with that dirty, polluted oil made for Toyota’s short-lived engines. What You’ll Need: 1/2 gallon of Arabian sand, 52 hairs from an Al-Qaeda member’s beard, 3 cups of camel urine, 24 cups of mango juice, 1/2 gallon of water from the Nile River and a kiss of love. Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: A whole lotta sweet, sweet firepower. Let’s Get Baked: - Ground up the sand and Al-Qaeda hairs. - Add the mango juice while stirring until the mixture has some texture. - Add the camel urine. Don’t worry, the mangos should mask the smell. - Add the Nile water and shake well. - Before putting it in your all new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, kiss the mixture with love. If done correctly, you won’t need another oil change for 500,000 miles, give or take 498,000 miles!

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New Illini Mascot is the All-New 2013 Honda Civic Sedan Forrest Fire wrote this Robert Easter, the President of the University of Illinois, recently became “fed up with the lack of a mascot and the ridiculous backand-forth Campus Spirit Revival contest” and declared that he had made a decision: The new official mascot of the University of Illinois would be the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. Easter explained that the in-line four-cylinder engine and the 140 horsepower of the Civic Sedan perfectly embodies the school motto: “Learning and Labor.” For Easter, choosing the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan as the new school mascot was an easy decision because all the other competition was “grossly inferior” to that of the Honda Civic. Most of the mascot submissions were poorly-created spin-offs of the Chief. For instance, there was the Fire Chief who would wear a flame-retardant jumpsuit and a fire safety helmet instead of the traditional headdress and moccasins. This mascot didn’t make the cut because his main cheer was “stop, drop, and roll,” something that everyone stopped finding clever after the first grade. Fire safety just doesn’t get people going like the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s 32 miles per gallon EPA mileage rating or sleek leather interior. The next chief remake under consideration was the Commanderin-Chief. This was thrown out the window immediately as every political RSO on campus began to protest for the mascot’s partisanship. Unlike the Commander-in-Chief, the Civic Sedan’s Antilock Breaking System and day-to-day practicality are things that everyone can agree on. “I was extremely offended by the campus reaction that the Commander-in-Chief created,” Easter Said. “Nobody understands politics and to force this on students every day of the year, at every

sporting and spirit event would be a crime,” Easter explained. “It made me so mad that I had to take a drive in my 2013 Honda Civic just to cool down. The way those 16” alloy wheels hug the road is very therapeutic for me.” Not all submissions were based on the Chief; there were a few wild cards as well. One of the more popular choices was the Kraken—a majestic sea monster with eight legs who would represent strength and domination. However, this beast was no match for the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, which always wrecks the competition with its 16” alloy wheels and 35.4-foot curb-to-curb turning diameter. Another underdog of the mascot competition, the UIUC Kernels, also had a large following among the College of Agriculture. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Easter said. “It’s a fucking ear of corn with an angry face painted on it. We have a whole college dedicated to art majors, and that’s the best you could come up with?” Students in favor of the Kernels quickly changed their minds when they heard about Honda’s Eco-Assist™, which tells the driver how to be more efficient with gas mileage. “The all-new Honda Civic Sedan will be saving you green while going green!” Easter exclaimed. The final contender in the mascot race was the 2013 Toyota Camry. It was a late entry, but Toyota jumped at the thought of a university partnership and national recognition. It was disqualified when Toyota representatives were late for their presentation, then passed out stress balls instead of beer koozies to interested students. “They also used Comic Sans font in their PowerPoint presentation, which made them lose the vote of all the students in the College of

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Media,” Easter said. “Rookies.” Toyota also sent sweaty, awkward presenters to showcase the Camry. These losers made pathetic puns and painfully chuckled to erase the silence in the room. The all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, on the other hand, provided a plethora of cool, low-priced add-ons that were quite the crowd pleasers among UIUC students, like XM Radio and interior blue LED illumination. These changes greatly impressed Easter and his staff. “They gave me a cool lanyard with a bottle opener at the end! Awesome!” “The all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan is not just bringing a sleek, sophisticated look to campus but also new traditions,” said Easter. ”There will now be a Honda Civic Sedan present at all university sporting events for photo opportunities, and all student athletes will only travel to games by means of Honda vehicles.” There have also been talks about rebranding all university merchandise containing the “I” logo with the Honda logo. The Alma Mater will be substituted for a gold statue of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan where students will have the opportunity to pose in their graduation gowns; the quote underneath the statue will be “Cruising to my future courtesy of Honda Motor Company and its subsidiaries and affiliates.”

page 18

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part VII Reindeer Games wrote this

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: Jerry’s dyslexia gets him arrested after cops believe he tried kidnapping his own girlfriend. Stressed out and guilty, Allie calls her mom to help get Jerry out of jail. As the two women drive over to the station, Jerry is left to his own thoughts.

What's your favorite feature of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan?

As he sat in the cell, staring down at the cement floor in disgust, Jerry tried to remain positive. He kept thinking back to his car, the thing that got him into this mess in the first place. But oh, that car. Jerry smiled as he remembered his trip to the Savoy Honda dealership just a few days prior. Now that was a great day…

"Ummm... The wheels?" - Henry S., Freshman

Jerry looked down at his feet as he approached the large glass door in front of him. As he reached for the door, Jerry suddenly became aware that his hands had never been so clammy in his entire life. Jerry was going to be purchasing his first car on his own, an act that would terrify the most hardened of men. “Relax” said Chet Raiser, senior sales representative at Central Illinois’ premier Honda dealership. “Buying an all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan is the easiest decision of your life.” Slightly reassured, Jerry was almost able to read out Chet’s nametag without his dyslexia confusing the name. “Mr. Shit Eater,” Jerry said shyly, “I was wondering why the Civic would be good for a college student like me.” “Well Jerry, it’s Chet Raiser, first of all. Don’t worry about it; it’s a common mistake. I recommend the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan to everyone, because there is no other car that can match the luxury, comfort, style, power and gas mileage, all at an extremely affordable price.” Jerry couldn’t control his excitement. He could be the very proud owner of the allnew 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. This would surely boost his confidence. No longer would he be anxious around Allie, knowing he had successfully made a huge life decision. Jerry knew deep down in his heart that the car was the first thing he had ever truly loved since his father abandoned him when he was four. “What features come standard on the most affordable model?” “I’m glad you asked, Jerry,” the handsome Chet Raiser said in a friendly manner. “The all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan LX offers above and beyond the normal sedan. All of the new Civic models have a 4-cylinder,

aluminum-alloy engine with 140 horsepower. Seriously, this thing will have you making a cockmeat sandwich in an axewound before you can say the words ‘allnew 2013 Honda Civic Sedan.’” “But I have a girlfriend,” Jerry interjected, wondering if Mrs. Jennings would like the car. “So?” Chet questioned, confused. “Anyway, the Honda Civic has Eco Assist, to help you get more mileage out of your tank. With an estimated 28 city, 39 highway and 32 combined miles per gallon, you will have more money for the women this car will bring you.” Jerry was noticeably excited. All he could think about was the car, Mrs. Jennings, and how she had surprisingly supple breasts for a woman her age. He kept thinking about Allie and her mother together, in some kind of awkward incest threesome in the spacious back of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic. These thoughts both scared and aroused Jerry. Needing to think about something else, Jerry changed the subject. “Music?” “The LX come with four speakers, has Pandora compatibility and can stream Bluetooth audio wirelessly. It has SpeedSensitive Volume Control and is iPod compatible, basically turning your car into a pussy magnet.”

Jerry’s heart was palpitating; he wanted it so bad. He felt a happy tingle strike below the belt. Jerry felt like he may be able to overcome his relationship fears and dyslexia, all due to the impressive nature of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. “Are there any more features that can help solidify my decision to buy the Civic?" “Are there ever, Jerry!” exclaimed Chet. “With Vehicle Stability Assist with Traction Control, Daytime Running Lights, Brake Assist, Electronic Brake Distribution and Tire Pressure-Monitoring System your slam piece will never worry in the car. But remember Jerry, if you buy a Toyota Camry you will never get laid again.” “I’ll take one,” Jerry said confidently. “Hey! Kid! Hey!” A voice snapped Jerry out of his daydream. He looked up from the seat in his cell to be greeted by three figures. One was the prison guard. One was Allie. And one … was Mrs. Jennings. Jerry gulped, but Allie gushed before he could speak. “Jerry!” She ran towards the cell and reached through the bars for his hands. Mrs. Jennings stood behind her daughter, staring Jerry dead in the eyes. Jerry glanced at her in fear. Mrs. Jennings smirked, raised her eyebrow and ran her index finger along her cleavage…

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page 19

continued from the cover

are you smarter than? Bob Ortigara, modern day einstein

1) What is the compression ratio of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan? _____________________________________________________

6) How many color options does the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan come in? _____________________________________________________

2) What is the turning diameter on the Civic Sedan, curbto-curb? _____________________________________________________

7) Which models of the 2013 Honda Civic feature 16” alloy wheels?

3) How many speakers are in the LX model of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan?

_____________________________________________________

8) How much rear legroom is available for a little backseat lovin’ in the 2013 Civic? _____________________________________________________

4) : Where is the USB Audio Interface located inside the Honda Civic Sedan?

9) On all three models of the Civic Sedan, what’s the combined miles-per-gallon?

_____________________________________________________

5) What’s the base price for the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan LX? _____________________________________________________

10) What are the three angles the rearview camera of the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan comes equipped with?

1) 10.6:1 2) 35.4 feet 3) Four 4) Inside the center console, with sliding armrest. 5) $18,165 6) Nine 7) The EX and the EX-L. 8) 36.2 inches in all models 9) 32 mpg 10) A 180-degree wide view, a 130-degree normal view and an overhead view of the rear bumper.

correct answers

_____________________________________________________

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bob's answers 1) 10.6:1 2) 35.4 feet 3) Four 4) Inside the center console, with sliding armrest. 5) $18,165 6) Nine. One for every day of the week and then some!

?????

7) The EX and the EX-L. 8) 36.2 inches in all models 9) 32 mpg, baby. 10) A 180-degree wide view, a 130-degree normal view and an overhead view of the rear bumper.

bob's score: 10/10 correct

page 20

theblacksheeponline.com

Recent Study: People Who Drive Toyotas Have Small Dicks Sammie Sea wrote this In a recent study conducted by the University of Illinois’ psychology department, researchers tested the effects of penis size on car choice. Over the course of a week, over 1,000 male participants were questioned, and the results back up basic human insight: Males with babydicks love Toyota Camrys. Each individual was placed in a room with an all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan and a 2013 Toyota Camry. Researchers recorded which car the men chose to drive along with their penile measurements. The results of the study indicated that 100% of men who selected the Toyota Camry had shockingly small penises, ranging from three-inch worms to stubby half-inchers. On the other hand, the penis sizes of men who picked the Honda ranged from seven inches to a whopping ten inches, with an average penis size of eight-and-a-half inches. After the study was completed, researchers interviewed individual participants about the results. When presented with the hard evidence, all of the Toyota drivers became very hostile, claiming that they were “flaccid” when measuring, even though the study clearly specified that erect penises were measured. “I’ve been driving a Toyota since I was 16, and neither of the two girls I’ve been with has told me that I’m too small,” said one anonymous participant. “Girls like a solid two inches that can dribble jizz in a minute and a half. That’s a fact.” Conversely, Honda Civic drivers displayed a lot of confidence in the results, with some even claiming that they were feeling a little “shriveled” that day. “I’ve definitely gained some length and girth since I leased the new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan,” replied junior Brett Morrison. “And my stamina is beyond amazing. My pledge dad drives a Toyota, and he strikes out more than Mark Reynolds. You can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.” In a related study, researchers in the statistics department surveyed over 5,000 students throughout the Quad to create a general consensus about Toyota drivers. When asked what they thought of when they think of Toyota drivers, an overwhelming number of students replied with phrases such as “vaginas,” “the menstrual cycle,” and “micro-penises.” One female student was quoted as saying, “Any time I see a man driving a Toyota, I automatically assume that he has a small dick. I’ve faked many orgasms and trust me, every single one of them was with a guy who drives a Toyota.” Overall, the results indicated a huge aversion to men who drive Toyotas. In a follow-up question, researchers inquired which kind of drivers they most dissociate with those terms. Over 98% of participants responded with the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan.

Pope Benedict XVI’s New Career Path mad max wrote this

“There’s nothing that can top a Honda,” stated one confident student. “Any girl would be crazy not to go for a guy with a Honda, and I definitely have a few guy friends who would switch teams if a guy in a Honda Civic Sedan came around.” The evidence of these research projects clearly shows Honda drivers—especially those with the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan—have a broad superiority in society over those who choose to drive Toyotas. Not only do all Toyota drivers have outrageously small genitals, but also they are frequently associated with the female reproductive system and unimpressive performance, which is in fact supported by the original study. As a result of these findings, men are now being advised to purchase an all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan in order to be successful throughout the rest of their lives, both sexually and socially. Toyota drivers are urged to switch over to Hondas in order to reverse the damage caused by their poor, car decisions. Subsequent studies do show that recovery is possible for chronic Toyota drivers, though there still may be some potential premature ejaculation caused by years of penile misuse.

When Pope Benedict XVI stepped down from his position, it marked the first time in the past six centuries that a Pope decided to leave the position gracefully, rather than slowly succumbing to old age. However, according to Benedict, it also marked the first time in the past six centuries that an automobile has come along with such style and performance at such a low, low price. In need of a new job, Pope Benedict followed his true calling and applied for a job as a promotional Easter Bunny in Rome’s Honda Dealership. Donning white fur and a bushy pink tail as opposed to the white robes of the papal office may seem like a step down but Pope Benedict has been working around the clock spreading the good news of the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. The Sedan, with its 28 city/39 highway miles per gallon and a 140hp, is a “machine made for the gods” according to the ex-Pope. Caught during his smoke break, the former Pope was rushed with his answers. “It happened one Sunday during a routine Popemobile cruise. I was waving along, minding my own business, when I began to notice the superior handling and 140-hp, 1.8-liter, 16-valve, SOHC i-VTEC® engine of the new Popemobile which was gliding me along the streets of the Vatican. It was then that I knew my calling was to sell Honda Civics and Honda Civicrelated paraphernalia.” Benedict’s new job may not be as glorious as his previous one. These days he has to put on a bunny suit at home and then drive to work because the manager doesn't allow him to change in the employee bathroom, but at least he gets to do it in a Honda Civic Sedan. In any sense, the Pope seems to feel fulfilled with his new purpose in life. “What I’m trying to say is, I really think I’m serving

a more reliable power now. That book the church has been around for a while; it could really use some modern editors to clean it up. At least let us have wives, you know? That might make the whole thing a little less creepy. Anyway, I found the real answers with the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. How to travel safely with your family and still haul ass, if those were your questions. If not, you should really get your priorities straight.” Not all customers are entirely convinced. “Where are my parents? Why did they leave me here?” someone clearly too young to be interviewed asked. People passing by were too busy admiring the sleek designs of the diverse Honda collection to notice the lost child, but how could anyone blame them? “For years I was trying to get them to switch the Popemobile to a Honda Civic. How can those Cardinals be so blind to the 36.2 inches of legroom in today’s Honda Civic? Besides, I needed a car that can outmaneuver assassins, God doesn’t step in any more when shit hits the fan, and I couldn’t rely on that piece of shit Mercedes like I can this baby.” One man in desperate need for a shave said, “Well I wasn’t going to buy a car, but then the former Pope told me I should and how can you say no to that? Gotta say, those prices must have been made in Heaven.” The Pope’s new career path brings up a lot of questions. Is it wrong for a man who can barely clothe himself to declare the word of the unquestionable higher power we only know as God since his true name would damage our ear holes? Which Honda should I end up buying? Who knows, but the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan’s automatic climate control is sure to make even the archangels sing.

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TBut I:great so great about the Civic that the normal, blue-collar working guy can appreciate? so great about the 2013 Civic that the normal, blue-collar working guy can appreciate? what is TT I:B ST: BWell S : Well yeah, I don’t anyone would argue Drive-by-Wire Throttle System ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ yeah, I don’t thinkthink anyone would argue thatthat the the newnew Drive-by-Wire Throttle System andand 140-140ニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口を reciate? T I:appreciate? ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ 1.8-liter, 16-valve, SOHC i-VTEC® engine anything extraordinary. horsepower, 1.8-liter, 16-valve, SOHC i-VTEC® engine are are anything lessless thanthan extraordinary. But But whatwhat is is ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ Thorsepower, I: ックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ T I: クファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニ T I: ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニクファックペニスの性交ディッ so great about 2013 Civic normal, blue-collar working appreciate? so great about the the 2013 Civic thatthat the the normal, blue-collar working guyguy cancan appreciate? ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニ TI: ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ TTBS: B S : And And the thechicks chicksare are great! You’re totally Takanobu! ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ great! You’re totally rightright Takanobu! クファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニクファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニァックペニスの性交ディッ T I: T I: クファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニクファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニ T B S : Wait, wait. Slow down. Are you saying what I think you are saying? T B S : Wait, wait. Slow down. Are you saying what I think you are saying? Tペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ B Sペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディッ : Wait, wait. Slow down. Are you saying what I think you are saying? TTI: I: ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ T BTTBS: :Tクファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニ wait.wait. Slow down. Are you saying what Ithink think you are saying? down. Are you saying what I think you are ?I think you BWait, Ssaying? : Wait, down. Are you saying Isaying you are saying? BSSare :Wait, Wait, wait. Slow Are you saying what Iwhat think you are saying? クファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニ TSlow B SSlow :down. Wait, wait. Slow down. Are you what Isaying? think you are saying? ing? T I: T I: T I: Ito,Ito, that is one of the things anyone has ever said to me! S : Wait, down. Are saying I think saying? TTBS: B S : Why, Why,Takanobu Takanobu that is one of nicest the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! TI:B STTペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス :B wait.wait. Slow down. Are youyou saying whatwhat I think you you are are saying? I:Wait, ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス T I:TTI: T I:Slow ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス T I: 性交性交性交ペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファック I: T I: Tの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファック TTI: I: 性交性交性交の性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニススマッシュ口をファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックク T B S : Oh, Oh,stop stopTakanobu! Takanobu! ァックの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファックの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファック B S : What a fascinating idea! I mean that would solve the oilproblem. shortage problem. countries Tidea! Bidea! : What a fascinating idea! Ioilmean that would solve the world’s oil problem. Entire countries TTBS: What a fascinating idea! IS mean that would solve thesolve world’s shortage problem. Entire countries fascinating idea! I mean that would solve the world’s oilworld’s shortage Entire TTBS: B SEntire : Entire Oh,shortage stop Takanobu! TBBSSTT: B:What What a fascinating II mean mean that would the world’s oilworld’s shortage problem. Entire countries S : What aTfascinating that would solve the world’s oil shortage problem. Entire countries B S : What a fascinating idea! I mean that would solve the oil shortage problem. countries would be liberated from oppressive rulers! T Bwould SB S:would What afascinating fascinating idea! I that mean that would solve the world’s oil shortage problem. Entire countries ortagethe problem. Entire countries solve world’s oil shortage problem. Entire countries be liberated from oppressive rulers! would be liberated from oppressive rulers! countries would be liberated from oppressive rulers! would be liberated from oppressive rulers! be liberated from oppressive rulers! T B S : What a fascinating idea! I mean that would solve the world’s oil shortage problem. Entire countries T : What a idea! I mean would solve the world’s oil shortage problem. Entire countries problem. Entire countries would be liberated from oppressive rulers! TTI: I: ッ shortage problem. Entire countries would be liberated from oppressive rulers! would be liberated from oppressive rulers! would be liberated from oppressive rulers! T I: ッ TTI: I: スの性交ディックファ TI:I: スの性交ディックファスの性交ディックファ T I: スの性交ディックファ T I: Tスの性交ディックファ T I: スの性交ディックファ you dog! Well, I think we are about Do you have any closing words, T I: スの性交ディックファスの性交ディックファ T TBS: B S : Takanobu, Takanobu, you dog! Well, I think we are finished. about finished. Do you have any closing wo T I:T I:スの性交ディックファ T B S : Takanobu, you dog! Well, I think we are about finished. Do you have any closing words, T Takanobu? TTBS: B S : Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying. By what you are telling me, I don’t Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying.saying. By what whatBy you aretelling telling me, TTBB SS: :Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying. By you are me, I don’t Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without what you are telling me, I don’t T Beliminating S : Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying. By what you are me, telling me, I don’t T: B SWell : Well yeah, world hunger goes without saying. Byworld what you are telling me, I don’t T B S : yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying. By what you are telling I don’t T B S Well yeah, eliminating world hunger goes without saying. By what you are telling me, I don’t T B S : Well yeah, eliminating hunger goes without saying. By what you are telling me, I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan right now. It I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy theall-new all-new 2013Civic Honda Civic why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Sedan right now. Itright understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan now. TTTI: I:I:ISedan Yes IIright do! Ina aworld aItItworld world that all “rush rush,” buy a Honda take a “slow e telling don’t understand why doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic now. Tme, Bsounds SI :understand Well yeah, eliminating world goes without saying. By what you are telling me, don’t you are telling me, Iwhy don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan right now. ItSedan understand everyone justeveryone go hunger out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan right now. It the Yes Inow. do! In that is is allisall “rush rush,” buy a Honda and and takeand a “slow ride,” baby!ride,” like it’s capable ofdoesn’t unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic right It Yes do! In that “rush rush,” a Honda take a “slow ride,” baby!baby! thout saying. By what you are telling me, Igood don’t understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan right now. It buy Sedan right now. It sounds like it’s capable ofgood unspeakable good for yourself and also the sounds like it’s capable ofit’s unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! hat you are telling me, I don’t sounds like it’s capable of unspeakable for yourself and also the world at large! sounds like it’s capable of unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! sounds like it’s capable of unspeakable for yourself and also the world at large! sounds like capable of unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! Civic Sedan right now. It understand why everyone doesn’t just go out and buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan right now. It Honda Civic Sedan right now. It sounds like it’s capable of unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! world at large! right sounds likeright it’s now. capable buy the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan It of unspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! 13 Honda Sedan now. large! T Civic I: speak English?! sounds it’s capable ofItunspeakable good for yourself and also the world at large! orld at large! TTTBS: BBSS :: Takanobu Takanobu you speak English?! Takanobuyou you speak English?! I: like Tlarge! I: Talso and the world at large! T I: eourself world at ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ T I: ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ Tニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ I: ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ TI: T I: ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ The 2013 Honda Civic Sedan can do that too! ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ T I:·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス TTTI: I:I: The HondaCivic CivicSedan Sedancan can that The 2013 2013 Honda dodo that too!too! ニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディ ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディ ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディ TBS: I love you Takanobu! ックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディックペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディックペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス ·ペッパーズスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス love you ックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック TTBBSS :: I love youTakanobu! Takanobu! ファックペニスの性交ディペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディックファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペクペニスペニスペニスペニスペニス性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディックックファックペニスの性交ディペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペ TI: I love you too! ホット·チリィックディックニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック口ィックファックペニスの性交ディーズのスマッシュ口ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック love you ニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペッド·ホット·チリィックディックックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディックニスペニスペニスペニスペ TTI:I: II love you too! too! ニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペ交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック S : And the chicks are great! You’re totally right Takanobu! TBBSSTニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口を : BAnd And the chicks are great! You’re totally rightright Takanobu! ニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリィックディック T : the chicks are great! You’re totally Takanobu! ファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペスペニスペニスペニスペニスペファッニスの性交ディックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペ T B S : And theT chicks arethe great! You’re totallyYou’re right Takanobu! B S : And chicks are great! totally right Takanobu! ディックファックペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスペニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口をニスの性交性交性交レッド·ホット·チリ·ペッパーズのスマッシュ口を T I: ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ TTI:I: ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペを T B S : And the chicks are great! You’re totally right Takanobu! ズのスマッシュ口を T B ST I:: And the chicks are great! You’re totally right Takanobu! ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ T I: Ito, ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ BWhy, S : Why, Takanobu Ito, is one of the nicest things anyone to me! Takanobu thatthat isBone ofAnd the nicest things anyone has has everever saidsaid to me! T S : the chicks are great! You’re totally right Takanobu! T BTTBSBSS:T::And the chicks are great! You’re totally right Takanobu! Why, Takanobu Ito, that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! TBI:Sィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ Takanobu! : Why, Takanobu Ito, that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! T I: Tィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ T B S : Why, Takanobu Ito, that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! T I: ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ to me! T I: ィックファックペニスの性交ディックファックペニスペニスペ S : Why, Takanobu is one of the nicest things anyone to me! クペニスペニスペ T B ST:BWhy, Takanobu Ito, Ito, thatthat is one of the nicest things anyone has has everever saidsaid to me! r said toT Bme! S : Why, Takanobu Ito,Tthat is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! ever said to me! of Thrones: B S : Why, Takanobu Ito, that is one Game Rilo Kiley Cold War kids

obu Ito

entertainment-y things to

the big three

things anyone has ever said to me!

Season 3 Premiere

Sunday, March 31st at 9pm on HBO Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons. Boobs, swords, midgets, magic, dragons.

keep your eye out for.

Rkives out april 2

Dear miss lonelyhearts out april 2

These indie rock cutie-pies led by all-around perfect Jenny Lewis broke up back in 2011, as the nation sighed an exasperated sigh. If these kids couldn't make it, who could? Luckily for us, their latest release, Rkives, is a compilation album of previously released rarities and unreleased material, and we'll take anything we can get. Check out "Let Me Back In" in your all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan!

Arguably, Cold War Kids peaked early with their phenomenal 2006 debut album Robbers & Cowards, but have since steadily declined in the quality and originality of their music. But we like to see the glass half-full around here, and keep holding onto hope that they'll surprise us with some more awesome tunes. Stream the teasers on your Pandora compatible 2013 Honda Civic Sedan radio!

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the madlib: A friendly conversation Oh man, Kyle, I can’t wait to tell you all about my brand-new __1__ __2__ Civic Sedan. I just picked it up at the dealership the other day, and boy oh boy, the salesman was really __3__. But I guess it doesn’t matter how nice of a guy he is if the car doesn’t back up his talk. Boy, does it. Did you know the 2013 Honda Civic Sedan has a __4__-liter i-VTEC® engine that produces a masculine __5__ horsepower? It’s crazy, I know. That’s 7 more horsepower than a piece of shit 1996 Toyota Camry. Hey, by the way, did you know that the Toyota Camry was designed by like, __6__nephew or something? Also, the Camry __7__ its wife once. Back to how magnificent my new Honda Civic Sedan is. Why, just yesterday I was swinging by a __8__ to get some __9__for a homeless man, and when I got back to the car a __10__ had appeared in my back seat! I decided to keep him and name him __11__. Thanks Honda Civic! Kyle, you have to get yourself one of these bad boys. I don’t care if you have to blackmail your dad with pictures of him __12__ with a __13__. I don’t care if you have to sell your __14__, the __15__ miles per gallon this car gets, along with its sweet, sweet ride, makes this a hell of a __16__ wagon. Better head to a dealership today!

1) The current year 2) Car company that makes the Civic 3) Positive adjective 4) Number between 1.7 and 1.9 5) Whole integer between 139 and 141 6) Evil dictator (possessive) 7) Violent act 8) Fast food restaurant 9) Food item 10) Newborn dog 11) Adorable name 12) Verb (ing) 13) Occupation 14) Body part 15) Whole integer between 31 and 33 16) Slang for vagina

E S O L C LIVE S S A L C O T K L A W GREAT LOCATION TO CAMPUS + 24-HR FITNESS CENTER + RECREATION CENTER + FULLY FURNISHED APARTMENTS + INDIVIDUAL LEASES

A P P LY T O D AY @ T O W E R 3 R D.C O M • 2 1 7. 3 6 7. 0 7 2 0 • 3 0 2 E . J O H N S T R E E T, S U I T E 1 0 0