Illinois - Issue 11 - 4/4/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Follett’s Bookstore in Trouble Raises Price of Average Book to $10,000 benny boy wrote this For the past few years, Follett’s bookstore, a longtime staple of Green Street shopping, has been going through a rough patch. In 2010, Follett’s responded to a decline in book sales by removing the textbooks from their shelves in order to exclusively sell spirit wear apparel, which is the equivalent of a grocery store removing food from its shelves in order to focus on Reader’s Digest subscriptions. “At the time it seemed like a good idea,” Follett’s representative Steve W. Said. “For years we were unable to keep up with textbook sales over at the Illini Union Bookstore, so we decided to just go into our own market and sell Illinois apparel. It was a stressful bi-weekly meeting when it was brought up that the Illini Union Bookstore also sells Illinois apparel. Needless to say, when the shelf space that used to house a $250 book held a couple $2 key chains, we began hemorrhaging money.” With nothing else to do, executives at Follett’s decided that the only thing to be done was to close up shop. The store was scheduled to close in early May of this year, that is, until a solution came from an unlikely source. “It just came to me one night,” cashier Robbie K. said. “Why don’t we start selling college textbooks again, but then make them super expensive? It was so simple, yet so perfect. There’s always a few rich, lazy college kids who refuse to buy textbooks at the beginning of the semester. If we want to stay in business, let’s just cater to them. Let’s make them unnecessarily pricey. Like, outrageously expensive. I honestly don’t see how this could be a bad business decision. Right then and there I took the pistol out of my mouth and called up the floor manager.” After crunching some numbers, Follett’s announced that they would need to be selling books for $10,000 to $250,000. “That was the number which we decided would make us satisfied here at Follett’s. I know it might sound expensive for books, but I don’t really see what choice the students have anyway. Are they gonna buy their books online? Yeah right, have fun paying those shipping fees!” The Illini Union Bookstore has responded to this business move by raising their prices, and making a few other changes as well. Starting next year, visitors to the IUB will have to pay a cover

Jesus Sees His Shadow 600 more years of damnation ahead!

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charge for entering the store. “We’re thinking like 20 bucks or something. That wouldn’t be for everyone, we’ll generally let any Engineering Majors or people with glasses get in for free. Hey, if you don’t like it, good luck getting books for class,” Bouncer Mike S. was quoted as saying. Student reaction to this news has been largely negative. However, students have since resigned to the fact that they have

what'’s inside

Sex and the CU: The Notorious Number Coming to terms with your long list of bad decisions.

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no choice but to spend such outrageous prices for college textbooks. “Yeah, it definitely hits the wallet pretty hard. But what are you gonna do, you know?” Sophomore James K. Said. “I was thinking about just buying my books on Amazon, but my free Amazon Prime ran out and I felt that it would be mean to Follett’s to buy books somewhere else. I just sucked it up and sold my car when my professor wanted us to read Much Ado About Nothing.”

continued on page 19

The Black Sheep Forecast Or, how Mother Nature is warning us that the end is nigh.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: How to Get Rid of That Spring Break Stalker You really only have two options.

page 7: Racially Diverse Campus Totally Not Racist "Racial integration: It's what makes this campus great!"

page 7: Fallout from the Definitive Masterpiece of TV Commercialism Who is Beck Bennett, anyway?

page 9: Sweden: The Flaccid Nation

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A lesson from one of our writers abroad.

page 9: The Top 10: Worst Ways to Have Spent Your Snow Day Let's hope you weren't a total loser.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Table of

Abby and Chris from Highdive and Houlihan's

page 7: Booze of the Week: Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka Deliciousness dating back to 1621.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part VIII Jerry "meets" his girlfriend's mom for the first time.

pages 20- 21: We're All Going to Die!!! According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

page 18 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

page Four Dear Mike, Despite the warnings last Sunday about the treacherous conditions of I-57, I decided to attempt a drive down to Champaign. Halfway down the interstate I hit a patch of black ice and my all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan, despite its impeccable traction and five star IIHS safety rating, careened of the road. It didn’t help that I was speeding on the shoulder, but that’s neither here nor there. What I’m trying to say is that I’m actually still stuck out here. Can you, like, come pick me up? Sincerely, Stranded Dear Stranded, Absolutely not. I’m not always going to be there to fight all of your battles for you. If I were to come pick you up right now, potentially saving your life, what would you learn from the experience? What would be gained? You know the old saying, “What do we do when we fall off the horse?” Well, I think both you and I know that it can be only you who can pull you up by your bootstraps and try to make something of yourself in this mad, mad world. What do you think Benjamin Franklin would say if he saw you submitting yourself to death on the side of I-57 so easily? Do you think he would be proud of his fellow American, a citizen of a country he created with kites and shit, who is most likely surviving on his own urine? As you can probably tell, at this point I have more questions than answers. Especially this: How you are able to send me a letter when you are stranded on the side of the road? No, really, how do you people keep finding me? Good luck, Mike

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A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”

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How to Get Rid of That Spring Break Stalker John McHoneyCombs wrote this You resist the urge to sign on to Facebook, and every text you receive sends a chill down your spine. It’s been two weeks since you met Erica at Panama City Beach, Florida, and you paid a bathroom attendant twenty dollars to look the other way while you plowed her shitter in the shitter. In your drunken stupor you gave her your number and accepted her friend request on Facebook because you’ve been looking for a new fuck buddy on campus, but now she’s already got her claws in you. There are only two ways to deal with this little nuisance: utterly crush her feelings or attempt to completely ignore her and live a life of misery. These may seem like drastic options, but you really have no one to blame but yourself. You drove a thousand miles to a beach to hook up with someone who lives less than a mile away on campus, simply because you were drunk and barely clothed. That’s borderline sociopathic behavior. If you go with the first option (to crush the shit out of her) many people are going to think you’re an asshole, but in a few weeks they’ll forget it ever happened and you’ll be as happy as a clam. You need to just straight-up tell her what your relationship is; you’re just a fuck buddy. You can’t be porking someone in the brown eye and then be getting Cold Stone together a week later. Sure, you made her laugh a few times, but that was mostly the Jim Beam talking, and he is quite the charming fellow. When it comes to bad news it’s important to be as devastating and to-the-point as possible so there is absolutely no chance of her misinterpreting anything you say. You should sit this young lady down to a nice cup of coffee—go for iced, so she doesn’t have anything to scald you with—then strike up some pleasant conversation. Remain detached throughout the entire exchange until it becomes painfully obvious that this situation is awkward. Then push the limits. Bring up how weird it is that you two raw dogged it in a bathroom stall that at least three people had snorted coke in. This will make her see the absurdity in trying to begin any type of normal relationship with you. Be firm in establishing that you already know what her butthole looks like. Throw in a couple freaky, psycho killer mannerisms as well, like wringing your hands and incessant twitching.

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If this chick has so little respect for herself that she continues to try and talk to you, then this was a good litmus test for determining how serious your restraining order should be. If you’re not much of a dick and just want to ride out the pain, your choice will be to ignore her and hope she goes away. You’ll turn off chat when she messages you, ignore her texts and not answer her calls. You’ll hope she’ll realize you don’t want to be bothered. But the sad truth remains: What happens on spring break does not stay on spring break. You two will see each other at Kam’s occasionally, and since you’ll both be drunk you’ll feel a need to address each other. Or you two will be walking the opposite direction on the same sidewalk as you head to class and have to give that awkward smile and nod without making too much eye contact. All this ensures is that for the rest of your time here you will be dodging this person, because you never realized how much you see them around campus until you’ve been balls deep in them. God forbid you have any mutual friends with her, or you’re going to want to eat a shotgun when you're forced to interact with each other. No matter which direction you go, honesty is the best medicine here. Brutal, cruel, soul-crushing honesty. So if that spring break fling happens to show up in one of your classes next semester, make it a point to sit next to them and constantly flash drawings of stick figures doing it until they want nothing to do with you anymore.

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Jesus Sees His Shadow: 600 More Years of Damnation Ahead tex mex wrote this As per standard Christian tradition, thousands gathered at what is reported to have been Jesus Christ’s final resting place before being “resurrected” after his crucifixion this Easter weekend. In hopes that the Messiah would emerge from his annual hermitage and not see his shadow on the way out (signifying the complete amnesty and reconciliation of all worldly sin), many cried out in both agony and exasperated frustration when Jesus poked his head out of the tomb, stood idly for five minutes, and returned back to his chambers. The newly appointed Pope Francis estimated that Jesus’ continued seclusion for this year will bring forth approximately 600 more years of eternal damnation. “Our Lord and Savior pulls the same shit every year,” said Robert Heeltop, a Chicago suburban father of two. “I love the man and all, and God strike me down for blaspheming, but every single year I have to tell my sons the same lie about some anthropomorphic rabbit that irresponsibly leaves expired eggs that sit in the house just because Jesus Christ won’t stop bumming around like a lazy-ass.” Several others in the audience expressed an unholy discomfort in possibly having to endure 600 more years of eternal damnation, a number that has been multiplied over 2,000 times since the first Easter in which Jesus decided to play an April Fool’s prank on his disciples by cutting two holes in the Shroud of Turin and acting as a spooky ghost. “Ah, yes, the story of the first Easter,” remarked Pope Francis after he issued out the excuse on Jesus’ behalf that the weather was far too humid to even consider having a proper resurrection. “I believe it’s in one of the hidden texts of the New Testament that states that John was ‘royally pissed off’ when Jesus faked his own resurrection. The story goes on to tell the tale of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John waiting

outside of Jesus’ tomb, or ‘The Bitchin’ Palace of Res-Erection’ in Hebrew, ready to ‘kick his grace-giving ass’ for being a spoiled brat of the Father. If you actually read the Bible, this would be second nature for you.” In addition to heading home in disappointment to continue spreading the fallacy of Jesus’ resurrection, biblical scholars at the scene debated on what the extra years of bonus damnation would take the form of. Most argued that this would merely contribute to the already staggering 1,207,800 years that humans will have to suffer in Hell before gaining entrance into Heaven, or the amount of years it will take before God decides that the Westboro Baptist Church isn’t a funny practical joke anymore. “It’s a pretty big downer, you know, having to get home just to tell your kids that they’re damned for another six centuries,” said Sandy Hitchens, a Utahan mother who was running late to drop off her daughters at soccer. “My 5-year-old started putting tally marks on her wall, and she gets so excited to tell me that she’s got five years down and only 2,995 of irreparable suffering to go. We always make it to church every Sunday, but our pastor always seems down in the dumps as well, often showing up for his sermons reeking of liquor. Last week, he said to us ‘Oh, you wanna see a homily on eternal suffering? I’ve got your homily right here’ before exposing and hysterically screaming about his blue-balled Holy Trinity.” After the barrage of disgruntled Christians dissipated and the Vatican orchestra finished playing Jesus Christ Superstar in its entirety, the snickering Messiah shared a few words with The Black Sheep before retreating back into his tomb to finish up the most recent season of Breaking Bad on Netflix.

“I’ll be honest, man, my dad and I haven’t really been on speaking terms for the past few millennia, you know? I’m still kind of bitter about the whole ‘if you love me, you have to die for their sins’ thing that he threw on me at the last second. So, yeah, I didn’t ascend into heaven like my old man wanted me to; I was never much of a right-hand man anyway. I’ve just been chilling here and enjoying my time, occasionally calling up the guys to see if they want to hang and play cards, minus Judas because he’s a total dick. I really don’t mind having to come out once a year just to stare at my blatantly apparent shadow for a few minutes.” When asked what his reasoning was behind not seeing his shadow this year, Jesus replied, “Some asshat in the third row thought he’d be clever or whatever by dressing up as Pilate, so I was like ‘Wow, yeah, fuck this.’”

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Racially Diverse Campus

Totally Not Racist

Sean Neumann wrote this

President Robert Easter was seen raising two fingers in peace at the annual Diversity Conference this past Friday night, although it was later admitted that he was merely counting the number of times he’s seen different racial groups mingling on campus in the past ten years. “Racial integration: It’s what makes this campus great!” Easter proudly exclaimed, while proceeding to cautiously bow to Juwon Choi, the South Korean head of the University’s International Hospitality Committee. “It’s great to have students come from such a diverse number of countries: China, Africa … uh, other China…” The atmosphere in the conference room was nervous and clearly segregated, as different races continued to be too frightened to sit with one another. Freshman student Bill Kelly described the racial diversity seen in his first semester on campus as “very organized” and much like what he’s “seen in history books.” “You know, like George Wallace type stuff. He personally went to the front door of schools to fight against segregation … or something,” Kelly recounted from his high school AP United States History class. When asked about her personal views, third year student Jamie Jefferson said, “Yeah, I mean, it’s great to live in such a diverse community. Like, I’ve totally observed foreign exchange students in the library and on Green Street. They’re funny,” she said. “Especially in class. Man! They say words funny.” She continued, “I’m totally not racist though, like I had a half-black friend once.” Outside of the conference, many racial groups from every demographic were seen thinking about talking to another group. Many hesitant African American and white groups were witnessed to be almost talking to one another, questioning why the two groups of Asians were split apart. “I don’t get it,” senior Jeremiah Wright said. “They all look the same to me. Like, why aren’t they talking or playing DDR or something?” In a recent study funded by numerous grants to the University’s Research Park, surveys found that since 1996,

roughly 84% of all American born students have at one point thought about confronting a member of a different ethnic background in order to learn about their culture and lifestyle. “They’re bold numbers that speak for themselves,” Dr. Morell told the media. “The University of Illinois is leading the way in opening up students to the possibilities of learning about different perspectives of the world.” In the basement of the Illini Union building, a group of white students gather every Saturday evening to learn about their surrounding cultures. “I’ve seen Kill Bill volumes one and two,” Dave Duke proudly exclaimed to a group of fellow white students, who listened to the racial veteran with open ears and open minds. “If you want to learn anything about Asian culture, films are definitely the fastest and most efficient way.” The club, founded by Duke in his sophomore year, sees its numbers grow every week. “It started out with just a few of us guys wanting to get down to the brass tax about the people around us,” Duke said. “Now we’re an official club and stuff. We have these white hoodies and everything. It’s totally official.” Critics of the club, such as Asian American Studies professor Jun-yeong Kim, say that “the students completely misrepresent the history and legitimacy of Asian culture.” “What did he say?” the white students asked each other, failing to have any experience deciphering accents. “It’s no secret that the University of Illinois is among the most racially diverse campuses in one of the most racially diverse and stable countries in the history of the world,” Easter concluded at the conference, “If you want to join a fraternity or sorority, there’s whites here to talk to. If you want to study, there’s Asians here to help you. If you want to watch sports, we’ve recruited some of the best African Americans to play the game. But again, just to be clear … we’re all totally cool with each other and totally not racist.”

Fallout From the Definitive Masterpiece of TV Commercialism Scotty G . wrote this Who is Beck Bennett? You might know him as the suitwearing man from those AT&T commercials where he asks simple questions to little kids. These intense inquiries include, “What’s better: fast or slow?” or “Who thinks more is better than less?” He then pulls off an amazing trick where he lets children answer however they like. It’s a lot of fun to see kids stumbling through illogical explanations using only their limited vocabulary, adorable speech impediments and disjunctive hand motions, but Bennett has stolen the show by bringing down the house with follow ups such as, “Tape a cheetah to her back,” “I’m assuming it would be made of candy” and “What?” His ad campaign has taken the Internet by storm, and AT&T has decided to capitalize on it in these ways:

Bennett Moderates Debates: Who is Beck Bennett? He’s the moderator of the next round of presidential debates leading up to the 2016 election. He has been given specific instructions to do exactly as he does in the commercials; ask straightforward questions, nod politely and pepper in fantastically sarcastic remarks with a strong hint of condescension. In comparison to the commercials, AT&T expects the politicians’ answers to be just as funny, if not more so, than the psychotic babblings of a toddler’s undeveloped brain. He will be applying his patented style of asking a question and allowing the answerer to dig their own grave. “And the legalization of gay marriage would negatively affect you in what way?”

Siri Junior: Starting in June, all AT&T iPhones will be replacing Siri with Siri Junior. Siri Junior will be just like Siri, except much younger. She won’t be able to answer your questions intelligently, concisely, or accurately, but she will ramble on in an adorably idiotic manner, making you smile and forget what question you asked in the first place instead of yelling out, “Dammit Siri! You’re nothing like your Samuel L. Jackson commercial!”

Monday Night Football Sideline Reporter: Given the NFL’s growing problems with concussions, the frightening effects of sporting violence are weighing heavily on the viewers’ minds. They need some comedic relief while watching their favorite players get bashed and bloody. Sideline reporters only get about 30 seconds of air time anyway, so Bennett will be a perfect fit for quick quips in a time crunch. Chris Collinsworth will throw the action down to the field to get moment-to-moment injury updates from Bennett.

Don’t expect her to use correct grammar either; Siri Junior frequently disregards using proper verb tenses, she’s never heard of a dangling participle, and she enjoys interrupting her own sentences by giggling uncontrollably. Regarding the changeover, AT&T has released a statement saying, “It’s true that Siri Junior will be mostly useless, but seriously, most of the questions people ask of Siri are dumb as shit anyway.”

“Thanks Chris. I’m here on the Chicago Bears’ bench talking with Dr. Hammerschmidt. Doctor, what can you tell us about Matt Forte?” “His knee appears to have given out.” “Is that good or bad?” “It’s not good. He could have a torn anterior cruciate ligament. It appears that the force was directed up his tibia, placing the lateral femoral condyle on the backslanted portion of the tibia.” “I follow you. That’s a pain in the buns. Back to you, Chris.”

It’s projected that by the end of the fiscal quarter, all customers of Sprint, Verizon, U.S. Cellular and T-Mobile will switch over to AT&T just to ensure that the kiddy commercials keep coming. AT&T is slowly taking over the world, one “Kids Say The Darndest Things” commercial at a time. Who is Beck Bennett? Possibly the funniest man of all time.

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SEX and the Cu

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The Notorious Number

The morning after another one of Amber’s notorious Saturday one-night stands left her in pain, curious as to why she’s been doing this for so long. She felt empty, disrespected and dirty. She decided it was time to face the truth, so she sat down with a pen and paper and began to write down the names of all her past “suitors.” She started with a simpler time—high school—where she had her first kiss, and there had been only two boys: a first love and a rebound. The instances were cute and meaningful, like quiet kisses at school dances and hand-holding walks in the nearby park. Freshman year of college was when things really started to take off. It was only downhill from there. Casual sex was more than socially acceptable, it was encouraged on campus, and Amber made friends in all of the frats very quickly first semester. By the end of that year, she had dabbled with seven guys—trying anything and everything that they could think of—it was only downhill from there. As Amber went through the years of college, the list got longer, and the names became harder to remember. The list was now at twelve, and Amber had gone to Pound Town with three Kevins and two Mikes. There was also a “British guy” and a “bad teeth dude” on the list, who may have actually been the same person listed twice, but she wasn’t sure. Junior year added five more to Amber’s list, and with half of a semester left of her senior year and twenty-one dudes under her belt, depression hit. Hard. First came Jason, then came denial. “That can’t be right,” Amber said with a desperate tone. “I’m not one of those girls, am I?” She reread her list and decided that John, with the chest hair and the chode, didn’t technically count because she didn’t remember the

Molly Forrest wrote this whole thing. This made Amber feel a little better that her number was now down to twenty. And that British guy was probably a duplicate, so she decided to call it nineteen. But that just wasn’t enough; Amber couldn’t imagine making the list any higher. So she promised herself that she was over casual sex and wouldn’t hook up with anyone until she was married… or at least had a boyfriend. Amber’s newly-created chastity belt made her angry. Why does the number matter? Who decided what was a high number? And why didn’t her friends say anything to her about it? What were their numbers like? She blamed this on society and its depiction of sluts and whores. Amber was also a little salty about her sexual ban because she was just constantly horny and wanting to satisfy it. As time went on, the thought of Amber’s list and the number nineteen made her more and more vulnerable. She began to justify her promiscuous actions whenever she felt self-conscious. “Shacking isn’t shameful, it’s actually beneficial to my lifestyle.” Because of her salacious ways Amber rarely had to wash her sheets or make her bed, which saved her a lot of time in the long run. When it came to apartments, Amber never had a problem finding the best space because she has had already seen the inside of more than twenty bedrooms. Also, Amber’s wardrobe had grown due to the copious amounts of t-shirts and sweatpants that boys had given her. Shacking had kept Amber slim, because all drunk eating had been replaced with cardio. Maybe banning it from her lifestyle altogether wasn’t the best idea… But these “benefits” couldn’t help her rationalize the number nineteen. Amber began to wonder the campus’ average and en-

vied those with boyfriends. She also hated everyone who had the will power to save themselves for marriage. Then again, they had never been able to experience the wonderful feeling that is raunchy, late-night sex. Amber finally was able to come to terms with the number nineteen when she realized that at least she was getting laid. One can always lie about their number, but it takes skill to not catch an STD. Amber also takes pride in the fact that out of nineteen guys she has only experienced one pregnancy scare, and those are pretty damn good odds. Amber realized she didn’t feel bad about her high number. She was sure a lot of people had nineteen. Hell, someone probably had a hundred! College is when you’re supposed to get it on. Amber decided she’d have a new mantra: Slide on a rubber and leave before morning.

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Worst Ways to have Spent your Snow Day

Although it took the university a few hours too many to announce the recent snow day, the campus rejoiced together in a drunken stupor instead of going to class. If you have at least one good friend, you probably had a pretty chill day. If you live alone and off campus, then you probably fell victim to one of these awful ways to have spent your snow day. 10.) Getting Work Done: No one does homework over spring break. While Sunday has always been a holy day when students can get a week’s worth of assignments done, t’was not the case Sunday, March 24. Those with a nose for Adderall and some damn good soundproof headphones missed the obvious warning signs outside and didn’t bother to waste time checking their email for the mass mail announcement. Instead of raging Sunday night, they spent their time studying for the exam they thought was scheduled for the next day. 9.) Driving Anywhere: The people who kept their breaks going to the last minute missed out on the reunion party of the semester. While everyone else was sharing the stories of their Mexico sexcapades, those who drove in late were digging their cars out of the snow and praying for a helicopter ride that never came.

Sweden: The Flaccid Nation Jecky Bacobs wrote this Hello from a The Black Sheep writer abroad! A gal abroad in a country supporting a serious coffee addiction and Dala horses up the wazoo. That’s right, I’m in Sweden. As spring approaches in Scandinavia, the birds and the bees are getting busy and putting the human citizens of Sweden to shame. If the nations of the world were rated on a sexiness scale from cat lady shut-in to horny porn star with a whip, Sweden would rank as the most flaccid. It pains my Swedish genealogy, but the truth must be told to all those purposefully, or even accidentally, reproducing this spring. Let’s begin with the obvious test of sexiness: what happens between the IKEA sheets. With secularization and gender equality on the rise, many Swedes don’t marry until late in life, usually after living together and having children. That doesn’t matter when compared to Sweden’s political motto: neutrality. Sweden remains neutral … about everything. “Let me go!” exclaimed Norway, when it was under control by Sweden. Sweden let Norway run home to its mommy. Oh look, World War I. It has the word “world” in the title, meaning Sweden is included. “Nah,” said Sweden. “We’ll sit this one out.” Just sit this one out? That’s not exactly what you want to hear your spouse say on your honeymoon at the Ice Hotel. Seriously, “neutrality” must be their safe word. Maybe the bedroom could be spiced up by incorporating food. Popsicles or bananas anyone? However, there isn’t much to pick from in Sweden’s smorgasbord. Fill a platter with meatballs, “godis” candies and even some gingerbread. The list of Sweden’s sexiest foods ends there. The only way to clear a room faster than scaring away your bed buddy by saying the condom broke is to bring fermented fish into the bedroom, and that is something Sweden has plenty of. Leave the bedroom and head to the pub where pear cider is prominently on tap. The sweetness makes the drink attractive, until

the seventh glass arrives. No buzz yet?! Trying to get drunk, or even tipsy, off pear cider is like trying to consume a Peep the size of Chicago’s Bean. It leaves bar goers with a bloated belly and a sex drive smothered by sugar. Not enjoying the cock block? Want the ABBA music upstairs to be turned down? Write a note! Swedes love to leave notes when they’re unhappy about a matter. Passive aggressiveness leads to great make-up sex … that is, unless you’re in Sweden. The notes aren’t meant to stir up conflict as much as avoid them at all costs. With no coffee mugs being thrown at heads in the heat of an argument, there’s no moment where eyes meet, mugs drop and lips collide. But the night isn’t over. After all of these failed attempts to relieve sexual tension, the moonlight must trigger some inner animalistic tendencies. The birds and the bees have already beat you to the punch before the sun even hit high noon! One would think that the sun setting as early as two in the afternoon during Swedish winter would heighten sexual inclination sooner in the day, lasting late into the night. That’s where you’re wrong. The student clubs close just an hour after midnight. At Illinois, you’ve just made it to the second bar by that point. All night and no sex makes Sweden a dull sexual partner. Don’t feel down on yourself, Sweden. You still rock those adorable blue eyes and blonde hair. But adorable isn’t a word used during a one-night stand. That doesn’t mean Sweden isn’t a place you should study abroad. All it means is that the Moulin Rouge popularized phrase “Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” won’t be translated in Swedish phrase books. It’s all right. Sex doesn’t have to be your forte, Sweden. That’s what fika is for! For all those unfamiliar with fika, go look it up right this instant! It’ll almost make you forget that you’re not getting in a Swede’s pants tonight.

8.) Being Out of Booze: People had all of the next morning to sleep off whatever bad decisions they made … unless they forgot to re-stock their bar when returning to campus. The trek to the store was brutal, and older friends had a lot better, warmer things to do than go buy underagers booze in a blizzard. 7.) Wallowing in Gambling Debt: Two of your Final Four teams got knocked out already (dammit Gonzaga), but you’re snowed in and your roommates don’t watch anything else. With no prospective money coming in, you stayed in all Monday and cried like a bitch while staring at the TV screen. 6.) Being Locked Out of Your Apartment: This can be killer if you spent your break in the Florida sun. You had to mooch off someone who lived close by instead of reversing your tan and losing limbs. Your roommate was unconscious well into the afternoon, so you made yourself comfortable while couch surfing. 5.) Tripping Your Fucking Balls Off: Dropping hallucinogens right before the storm was a little confusing. Champaign was sunny, which is hard to remember since with the drop of a hat there were inches of cold blocking people in. You’re not imagining it, it’s real. But don’t worry; this doesn’t mean God is mad at you. Unless you masturbate. We’re all sinners, basically.

4.) Hanging With Your Parents: They heard about the snowstorm and were scared about sending you on one of those terrifying, unreliable buses. Instead of inhaling some belly shots, you surfed through On Demand while your new drinking buddies battled fatigue at 10 p.m. 3.) Spending Time in Jail: Now and again there’ll be incidents when a night in jail will be in order. They’ll release you in the morning, but that hangover will start coming into effect right as the other guy in the holding cell starts making moves. Rescuing people on the interstate takes a higher priority to the police, so you were there for a while. 2.) Being Poor: The memories will outweigh the chunk of savings it took out in the long run. For now, find some cheaper alternatives to standard living. How many meals do you need a day versus taking someone you’ve been eyeing out for drinks? 1.) Being Anywhere in Illinois: This state can’t make up its fucking mind. Do we even have a spring? Rather than continue the southern vibes of warmth and classily exposed midriffs, it’s back to parkas.

mad max wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep Forecast

(or How Mother Nature is Warning Us That the End is Nigh) David Rubin wrote this Students in the vast cornfields of central Illinois recently had their classes cancelled due to a massive snowfall in Champaign County and the surrounding areas…in late March. This is just the beginning. We can expect more awful weather patterns to sweep through the Midwest, with the end of the year culminating with our very painful and excruciating deaths. This is all just conjecture, but one time our editor guessed this girl’s weight at a bar and was only 50 pounds off, so we know what we’re doing. In the coming weeks, the Midwest is going to see another downpour of anywhere between 10 and 40 feet of snow. At least. Many Chicagoans will ignore this terrifying bout of weather as they continue to drive to work saying, “That’s Chicago for ya!” Due to their repeated ignorance of Mother Nature’s wrath, these people will be the first to die on I-94 rooting for their beloved Cubbies. There’s no next year for these guys. After this occurs, many of us will fight for survival by eating delivered Jimmy John’s sandwiches that still miraculously make it to our houses in less than ten minutes. But fear not, following the snowy shitstorm, a three-day-long storm of acid rain will effortlessly wash away all the snow. This may sound like a good thing, but keep in mind that whatever the conversion rate of 40 feet of melted snow is to water, we’re going to have it. So get ready for Flood City, baby. Once this hell has occurred, the sun will finally come out and shine down on us, signaling the beginning of spring.

our roofs will be torn off above our heads from the rampant orgy of tornados that will devastate the Midwest. Everyone will be left amongst the wreckage that will stretch halfway across the country, leaving millions homeless. And no, you cannot mix plywood and drywall with Jägermeister and drink your way out of this one.

In order to rid ourselves of the rivers flowing through our streets, city ordinance will decree that we must mix the canals of meltwater with Jack Daniel’s and to start drinking. While we’re drunkenly wallowing amongst our own piss and vomit, the worst is right around the corner. The buzz you’ll get from the Jack Daniel’s will be helpful, because it’s about to get nasty out there.

The weeks of torture by weather will climax with a series of earthquakes that will exceed the neverbefore-seen 10+ magnitude on the Richter scale, causing widespread destruction and vertigo. Lava will rise up from beneath the ground, burning down our brand new tents that have recently become our homes. In an act of irony, Mother Nature will signal the season change over to summer with a massive heat wave that exceeds over three hundred degrees. With all of this occurring at the same time, it’ll be as though we’re staring into the Ark of the Covenant, but far more painful.

While spring is a beautiful time of blooming flowers, sunny weather, and skipping through meadows, it also loves to bring along a number of terrifying natural disasters that tear the country apart from coast to coast. While we’ll be trying to recover from the worst floods that the country has ever seen,

If you’re a graduating senior, we hope you enjoyed getting that diploma, because in just a short while, it’s going to be burning underneath a pile of melted Jack Daniel’s bottles. Plan your summer vacations accordingly.

UV CHAMPAIGN LATE NIGHT SHUTTLE COMING FALL 2013!

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday and Saturday: $1 Bacardi Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs, $2 3 Olive Vodka Mixers

THURSDAY! GRAMATIK with CHERUB and HEROBUST

FRATTLE of the DJ's Starts Wed, April 3rd DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

WEDNESDAY 4/3

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

AMSA Benefit Concert - Early Show! OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 4/4

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

GRAMATIK with CHERUB and HEROBUST

$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else in the House!

Closed for a Private Party: Book Yours by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

FRIDAY 4/5

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SUN STEREO and HENHOUSE PROWLERS

Friday After Class! Happy Hour Food Specials 5-9pm $3 Pizzas - $3 Nachos! $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA $3 JAGER BOMBS

CU Beyond EDM, 10pm Featuring DJ Tim Williams, J Doya, Dif-EQ and Groovegadget

SATURDAY 4/6

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers,

African Cultural Association QUEEN OF KINGS CULTURAL FASHION SHOW (Early!) REGGAE PARTY (Late!)

CLUB Clybourne FREE GLOWSTICKS Special Guest DJ

Guido's Bday Party $5, 10pm

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

$2 Wells

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRIDAY! CU Beyond EDM, 10pm Featuring DJ Tim Williams, J Doya, Dif-EQ and Groovegadget

SUNDAY 4/7

Closed

CLOSED

MONDAY 4/8

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival!

TUESDAY 4/9

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

WEDNESDAY 4/10

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

Relay for Life Benefit Concert Early Show! OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

Cubs Opening Week WIN CUBS TICKETS Everyday the Cubs Play! Sat: Final Four Mon: National Championship

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

WEDNESDAY 4/3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Cubs vs Pirates 6pm - Win Cubs Tickets!

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

MONDAY: Jucifer "20 Years of Slaying Ears" Tour Doors at 9pm, $10

Beer Garden Season is Slowly On It's Way! Come check us out for lunch and a beer

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

New Spring Seasonal Food Specials $2 Fireball, $2 Woodchuck

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 4/4

Bud Light Straw-ber-ita LAUNCH PARTY! $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $2 Evan Williams $2.50 Jack & Jameson HAWKS vs BLUES 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$5 24 oz. Yards of Gatorade Free Cover Any Thursday when you bring your yard back!

FRIDAY 4/5

BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 HAUS FRIES $3 Captain Morgan Cubs vs Braves 6:30pm WIN CUBS TICKETS

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Book your next event at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy weather in the 50's... finally!

SATURDAY 4/6

FINAL FOUR 5pm Wichita St vs Louisville 8pm Michigan vs Syracuse 2pm Hawks vs Preds 6pm Cubs vs Braves BEER GARDEN IS OPEN!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA, MLB and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

Start your day where yesterday ended... Wake up at Joe's! $6 Pitchers of Lunchbox, 1/2 price burgers

6pm BLACKHAWKS vs Predators

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Now open Sunday Nights! Start/End Your Week RIGHT!

MONDAY 4/8

Cubs Home Opener 1pm Cubs vs Brewers WIN CUBS TICKETS 8pm National Championship 10pm Pop Culture Team Trivia $2 Bud Light Drafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP! $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Jucifer "20 Years of Slaying Ears" Tour Doors at 9pm, $10

Skip chapter and come watch the Hawks! $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 4/9

$2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm, $2 Wells Half Price Sharkbowls BLACKHAWKS vs WILD 7pm CUBS vs BREWERS 7pm Win Cubs Tickets

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Anything Cuervo Artist of the Week: Britney Spears

WEDNESDAY 4/10

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

SUNDAY 4/7

Noon - Cubs vs Braves $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

102 East Gregory

AT $300/MONTH! Locations on John, Gregory, West Oregon & Iowa Furnished Units Available • Pet Friendly • Laundry On-Site • Parking Passes Available Close to Campus and Nightlife • Located near MTD Bus Lines Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

No Cover Thursdays! Black Lights and Blackouts $5 Glowing Dragons $2.50 Jello Shots Free Bacardi Stein with the Purchase of any Oakheart Drinks

THURSDAY: Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/3

No Cover! Black Lights and Blackouts! $5 Glowing Dragons, $2.50 Jello Shots $7 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles, $5 Magic Dragons

Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THURS. 4/4

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Jim Beam

FRI. 4/5

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

CLUB 211 Blacklights, Glowsticks! LIGHTS OUT!

SAT. 4/6

$2 U Call Its

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 4/7

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

NCAA CHAMPIONSHIP $2 U Call Its

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 4/8

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Mason Jar Drinks: $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 4/9

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Light Bottles, $2 Platinum and Black Crown

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/10

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

FRIDAY! Pool Tournament 4pm $3 24oz Lite and Coors Light Cans, $3 Crown Royal Drinks DJ Dash at Night! Jukebox Night - All Request DJ! Party with the Bud Girls! Bud Bouncing Game - Win Hawks Trip! $1.50 Bud and Bud Light Bottles, $2 Platinum and Black Crown

Meme Glass Night!

$2 U Call Its Challenge Accepted!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Pool Tournament 4pm $3 24oz Lite and Coors Light Cans, $3 Crown Royal Drinks DJ Dash at Night!

Collect Them All!

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Watch the Final Four at Kams! Little Saturday... because BIG $3 32oz. Drafts FRIDAY kicked your Butt

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Bartender Batis

Bartender nickname: The Big Cheese

Favorite drink: Dirty Shirley

Favorite drink: Basil Hayden’s, neat

Relationship status: Taken Biggest fear: Walruses

Relationship status: Dipping my pen in the company ink

Where do you see yourself in 20 years: Married with 7 children (give or take 2)

Why is it better working at a restaurant bar: The MILFs

Secret fetish: Toe cracking

Secret fetish: Portabella mushrooms

Dream super power: The ability to never sleep

Celebrity crush: Khaleesi, My Sun and Stars

Biggest turn-on: Speak Spanish to me

TV show you want to be an extra on: I want to be on Shameless

Biggest turn-off: Men who use tanning beds

Abby

the highdive

theblacksheeponline.com

Biggest secret: I was born a cone-head Celeb crush: Orlando Bloom

the drinking game: go drunken fish

While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand. What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka. Number of Players: Four to six players. Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play. How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table. - Take one shot before the game begins. - Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down. - The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins! - If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle. - The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot. - If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle. - The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards. The Game Ends When: All the cards are used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Biggest fear: Abstinence

Chris

houlihan's

Biggest turn-on: Bleached anus Biggest turn-off: A hairy grundle

recipe for disaster:

mom’s mom's homemade wasted pizza You Withhave Moms no clue Weekend how toright reallyaround cook. Though the corner, youryou mother needhas to made start planning you countless how homemade you’re going meals to treat overher theto years, a weekend you stillshe’ll think never preheating forget. anBecause oven means let’s getting face it: to Youit have before noother fucking male clueovens how to start really trying cook. to Your plowmother it. Thishas recipe’s madeboth you countless easy and delicious; homemade you meals can’tover go wrong the years. with Make a big-ass it up pizza. to her and put together something for her to snack on after the bars. You can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza. What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive What You’ll amount Need: of different Two packs types of of crescent cheeses, rolland dough, any pizza a jar toppings of tomato you sauce, desirea (sausage, massive amount pepperoni, of different mushrooms, typespineapples, of cheeses,garlic, and any etc.) pizza toppings you desire Cook (sausage, Time: pepperoni, About 30mushrooms, minutes. pineapples, garlic, etc.). Fatty Cook Factor: Time: About Pizza is 30a minutes. vegetable now, so you’re fine. Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine. Let’s Get Baked: -Let’s PressGet theBaked: crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as - Press it’ll go. the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far -asBake it’ll go. the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 - Bake degrees). the dough for about eight minutes on recom-mended Take thebaking pan out heat of oven (probably and lower 400 degrees). the oven temperature - Take tothe 200pan degrees. out of oven and lower the oven tempera-ture Spread to 200 thedegrees. tomato sauce over the dough. - Load Spread onthe thattomato cheesesauce until you overthink the you dough. have more than enough. - Load onThen that cheese add more. until you think you have more than -enough. Add your Then momma’s add more. favorite toppings to the pie and throw - Add ityour in the momma’s oven again favorite until the toppings cheesetomelts. the pie and -throw Serveit your in themother oven again the homemade until the cheese pizza melts. with a smile and - Serve a kiss. your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss. When you’re done with this, be sure to take a pic for posterity. You will beJust yourwait mother’s until the favorite sun’schild up before for the sending rest of the it to dear ole’ that mom. weekend… is, until the hangover hits her.

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booze of the week Booze Review: Pinnacle pumpkin pie vodka | grade: a Overview: It may be Pinnacle, but this flavor ain’t that bad. A sweet smell, a sweet taste (not a great aftertaste, but that can be masked). Sure, this isn’t the right time of year for it, but with the weather lately it might as well be winter all over again. History: The year was 1621, and the first Thanksgiving Day in Plymouth was the social hit of the century. Both Pilgrims and Native Americans shared their favorite recipes, and the children bonded over new games to pass the time with. Joy and merriment were in the air. As the feast drew to a close and night started to fall, the women and children returned home while the men of the families remained together around a big campfire, sharing stories of successful deer hunts and fishing trips. One Native American, Squanto, was especially excited for his new friends and decided to share with them something delicious and very top secret. “My good men, come this way,” Squanto said before leading the group off into the forest. Hidden deep

within the trees was a small babbling creek, but the stream wasn’t rushing with water. “This. We drink of it. The Water God has told me that it is called ‘vodka,’” Squanto explained. The men looked intrigued and one-by-one stuck their hands in the stream to take a sip.

stream. “Whoa, dudes! You have got to try this!”

“It’s delicious!” they cried, thanking Squanto for sharing this gift and promising not to let anyone else know about the treasure.

Typical Drinkers: Sacajawea, History Channel employees, chicks who wear moccasins and people who say they’re Native American on college applications just to get accepted.

Just then, the Wampanoag class clown, Massasoit, stumbled upon the group. It was clear that he had already visited the magical vodka stream many times that day. “Hao dudes! Check out what I found left on the feasting grounds,” he shouted. In his hands was a warm and soft pumpkin pie one of the English women had made. As the men approached him for a slice, Massasoit’s dizziness kicked in, and he fell forward into the creek, dropping the entire pie into the brook. Like magic, the pie quickly disintegrated into the vodka, and Massasoit’s eyes widened as he sipped at the

The men did, and the new creation was even more delicious than what they had tasted before. “Well done, chief,” Squanto smiled. “I think we’re on to something here…”

User Comments: “This would make any family holiday a bit more bearable.” “Anybody else feel like watching Man of the House with Jonathan Taylor Thomas now?” “Mmm, tastes like Thanksgiving.” “Vodka. Now that’s something I’m thankful for.” Conclusion: Listen, you just can’t go wrong. A beverage rich in taste and history. Go for it.

Best Mixer: half & half • Worst Mixer: smallpox blankets

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part VIII kitty kat wrote this Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: While Jerry sits in jail, he ponders a happier time of his life—when he bought the all-new 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. He is awoken from this daydream by a prison guard standing with Allie and Mrs. Jennings, who are ready to bring him home.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

Who do you think will win the NCAA championship?

Allie stood in front of Jerry’s jail cell, holding his hands through the bars. He grasped hers strongly but couldn’t take his eyes of Allie’s mom standing directly behind her. Mrs. Jennings was staring at Jerry seductively, running her index finger up and down her cleavage and tilting her head back in ecstasy.

"Michigan. Go Blue and L'Chaim" - Max T., Senior

“Jerry, I can’t believe this happened. And I feel so guilty,” Allie’s whispers snapped Jerry out of his funk. He looked her in the eyes, they were big and blue and beautiful. Jerry felt a sharp pain in his heart when he thought back to what he had done. “Don’t be silly. It’s not your fault at all,” he said. “But the fight at Papa Del’s … it was stupid. And if I never left—“ “Allie, stop. It’s okay now.” Mrs. Jennings cleared her throat, causing both kids to look at her. “Allie, I think it’s about time you introduce me to your boyfriend,” Mrs. Jennings smiled. Jerry stood up straight in the cell, and Allie wiped a few tears from her face. “Mom, this is Jerry. Jerry, meet my mom.” Mrs. Jennings extended her hand to Jerry. “You can call me Veronica,” she said, her voice a sexy, raspy tone. “It’s so nice to meet you … Veronica.” Jerry had a hard time saying her real name. He felt himself shudder in pleasure. “Allie has told me a lot about you.” “I’m surprised you two have never met, actually,” Allie interrupted. “My mom is a political science teacher here. That’s Jerry’s major, Mom.” The two turned to each other, not knowing what to say. “No,” Jerry said, rather loudly. “No. I’ve never had her. Weird.” He laughed uncomfortably. “Well then, let’s get you out of here.” Mrs. Jennings motioned towards the prison guard, and he unlocked Jerry’s cell. He immediately came out and hugged Allie as hard as he could, trying to hold back tears and the desire to just tell her everything.

The group walked towards the front desk, Jerry collected his things and met Allie and Mrs. Jennings out by the car. He smirked to himself when he noticed that Mrs. Jennings also drove a 2013 Honda Civic Sedan. Allie let Jerry take shotgun, hoping it would cause a conversation between her mother and boyfriend; she wanted nothing more than for those two to get along. As Mrs. Jennings drove the two back to T3, Jerry couldn’t keep his eyes off Mrs. Jennings. Her long, slender fingers and fiery red nails gripped the thick steering wheel and smoothly slid around on each turn. He could still smell (and taste) the strawberry lip balm she used on their first night together. Before they knew it, they were outside T3 and saying their goodbyes. Allie started to get out of the car when her mom stopped her. “I’m just going to take you home, dear. Jerry needs his rest. He’s had a rough time.” Allie and Jerry both looked confused and upset, but Allie obliged and sat back down. As Mrs. Jennings pulled out of the parking lot to take Allie back to her apartment, Jerry saw his girlfriend mouth out “I love you” out of the backseat window. Jerry just stared, his heart breaking. Twenty minutes later, after Jerry had settled back down in his room and flipped on the TV, his phone started to ring. He was surprised when the screen said, “Mrs. Jennings.” “Hello? Mrs. Jennings?” “Veronica,” she firmly corrected him.

“Sorry. Hi, Veronica.” “Come downstairs, Jerry.” “What?”

"Me no speak Ingles." - Teel G., Junior

“I’m downstairs. In the lobby.” “But, why—“ “I’m wet, Jerry.” Jerry gulped and nervously started running his fingers through his hair. He instantly felt it; he was more than just “in the mood.” Those three words made him rock hard in seconds. He wanted just one more go around with her but still felt overwhelming guilt. “Veronica, I—“ “Just ten minutes, baby. That’s all I need. Promise.” Mrs. Jennings crooned in her slyest way possible. She resisted every urge from pleasuring herself right there in the lobby and telling Jerry step-by-step what she was doing. Jerry had hoped he could turn her down, but within five seconds he said, “Okay. Come up. Room 542,” and hung up the phone. Mrs. Jennings strutted over toward the elevator and selected the fifth floor. When the door closed, her hand slid up the bottom of her dress and furiously pushed aside her panties. Mrs. Jennings closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall, thinking about the orgasm that was about to come…

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James’s story is not uncommon, as many students are having trouble finding money for books now that college textbooks are overpriced, often resorting to selling off cars, clothes, and drugs. When Junior Carl N. got the book list for his classes, he quickly realized that he needed to find a lot of money fast. “Since I’m a Computer Science major my books are usually more expensive than others. I know that college textbooks are notorious for being a little pricey, but when I’m looking at a cool $800,000 for my books I realized how lucky I am that I’ll be getting my full security deposit check back from my landlord in a couple weeks. At least there are some people on this campus that aren’t trying to screw you out of money!” Tragically, most students are beginning to take out bank loans in order to pay for their books, often leaving them with crippling loans to pay off after graduation. Robert Easter, president of the University of Illinois, made a statement last week expressing his disgust at an institution doing such a disservice to its customers. Along with textbooks, both stores have also raised the price of their spirit wear, a move which has alienated many customers who have always relied on official university apparel as cheap and affordable clothing items. “I wanted to buy an orange Illini shirt the other day and the desk clerk berated me when I protested its $20,000 price tag,” Freshman Billy B. said. “He kept telling me that orange was an expensive color as it doesn’t appear in nature very often. I asked him if that was true, and he said that if I didn’t know that then I probably couldn’t afford the shirt. I ended up getting the shirt and a shot glass, which forced my parents to apply for a second mortgage. When I asked if I could at least get a free lanyard the desk clerk slapped me across the face.” This kind of blatant disrespect has become more common now that the bookstores on campus have assumed complete authority over the students. Many students report being harassed when they approach the checkout with a small amount of merchandise. “I went into Follett’s to use their bathroom. First, it’s $30 dollars just to get in the door, but then they make fun of you if you don’t buy anything. One desk clerk told me that if I didn’t buy any books then I probably don’t know how to read and that I’m a virgin with no friends. I ended up buying a used copy of Genealogy of Morality by Friedrich Nietzsche for $5,000 just to shut him up. I flipped through the pages and found most of the text to be a bit over my head. When I asked if they had a CliffNotes for the book they laughed at me and pretended to jack themselves off,” Senior Jeff K. related. Since these changes were implemented Follett’s has reported to having one of the most successful semesters of its history. “We are doing well, yes,” a spokesman for Follett’s told us. “However, we still have a long way to go. We learned that the Illini Union Bookstore has begun implementing a required minimum amount of books to be purchased upon entering. I think they have it at around 35. We will need to implement something similar. Maybe we’ll put the minimum at around 36 or something. We also realized that some students have been successfully returning books for some extra cash. We’re gonna have to put a stop to that right quick.” Follett’s has also reported that they are looking into state and federal laws concerning private detention without trial and extortion laws. One can only speculate what is next for Follett’s business decisions, but we can only cross our fingers and hope that we don’t have to resort to buying our books on Amazon.

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! ! ! e i d o t g n goi A Tale re to rewrite e w s n e k ic D nd s.” If e end of time ion with the e s s th e s s a b w o r it u , s o e d of tim m, an e as the worst political syste e sure to mak w ’r e it y iv , e s is th e iv d m r; e ti a f m y, o est olog is sum e. “It was the b bitchin’ techn big screen th e te o th n g n ’d ti e kles, in no tim h it ic , h 3 P s 1 r. ie 0 v D 2 o t, in m a s c t h ie d se eig ur dea of Two Cit s? Look at the e sky with yo u th e v in e r li e ie b rr a ’t c n kitty of days. Do uinn ing in the ol' v li e b ll rendan and Q ’' B u o y y b k n in e tt th ri u W o y

Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.

Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and

shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.

Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th

Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.

What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.

What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."

What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to

ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.

Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.

After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Pacific rim JUly 12th

Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.

What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has

basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.

Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.

What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”

World war z June 21st

That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.

What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-

ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.

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April 2013 Drunkoscopes Reindeer Games wrote this Classically, horoscopes predict your future by what time of the year you are born, which is a very terrible science predictive tool way to do anything, as the year a person is born has little to do with his personality. To truly understand someone’s future, one must take a look into what they drink, as this can be one of the most revealing outward signs of their inner workings. Vodka, Water, Lime: Your refusal to eat meals and repeated abuse of recreational drugs mixed with alcohol will put you in no less than three strangers’ beds this month. In your immediate future, there will be a tall, dark, and handsome stranger to whisk you away on a dream trip to the West. But the Vodka Moon of April 7 lands you against Whiskey, which spells disaster for your love life. What you were unaware of was that the West meant Nebraska and that he was taking you there to steal your kidney. Also, as Pluto’s turn predicts, count on herpes, which remember, is for life. Scotch: The Scotch drinker, ever looking to expand their horizons, will suffer consequences as the three planets align. Abusing your Mexican gardener will come back to bite you in the ass when you are abducted on your family vacation to Mexico City. Lucky for you, due to the start of the Dark Liquor Moon, your parents pay the ransom with only the loss of one finger. On the bright side, the lack of food and alcohol for the week has led to some killer weight loss for when you are ready to get back out and hit the beach. Plus, the kidnapping has left you with an awesome coke connect, and you will surely get some sympathy pussy for that missing finger. Expect your sex life to increase as your weight decreases. Tequila Sunrise: Intellectual problems will likely cause confusion, Tequila Sunrise drinker, as you continuously throw back Jose Cuervo. The 12th House of Spirituality will lead you on a hangover-driven quest to find greater meaning. After renouncing all of your possessions and moving to North Dakota to join a monastery, you will be kicked out for developing an abusive addiction to paint thinner. Tequila drinkers, notoriously bad at love during the fourth alignment of Mars, Uranus and the Sun, should look forward to dying alone, as their lives continually spiral into addiction and desperation. Craft Beer: Your refusal to drink anything other than beers crafted in five microbrews in the Pacific Northwest will lose you a friend but gain you a black eye due to Mercury’s turn on April 5th. Look to find new love out of necessity, as a massive fight will break out between your girlfriend and you over how she looks in her new sweater. Aries’ spontaneity will cause you to move to Portland, to find someone who finds your pretentiousness cute.

Wine: Your usually classy attitude will be thrown out the window when the Wine Moon ends April 4th and you decide to drink that entire box of Franzia in one sitting. The strength of the 8th House of Communication will cause you to ruin your chance with your cute lab partner. Self-pity and depression will lead to you failing all of your classes and dropping out of school. After an impressive run at a St. Louis casino, Jupiter will meet with Saturn and Pluto, spelling the end of your streak and a loss of your entire bank account. Never fear, resourceful wine drinker, as you can expect new things on the horizon as you begin your life as the newest homeless of Champaign. Bum wine is cheap. Rum and Coke: April 8’s aligning of Saturn and Uranus will cause a new unexpected career opportunity to arise for you. The 12th Moon of Gullibility will cause you to believe that stranger telling you that you are simply acting in an “art” film. After being the newest addition to the DrunkCollegeSluts. com, your extremely religious parents will likely shun you. Resilient as always, you can look to make more money and enjoy a better love life as the Dark Liquor Moon rises and you begin your foray into girl-on-girl porn.

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