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Vol. 23, Issue 11
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/30/13 - 11/06/13
Sources Confirm Former Chief Illiniwek
Buried in Morrow Plots By: UIUC Staff Sources confirmed this past Wednesday that the man formerly known as Chief Illiniwek has been buried in the Morrow Plots since early 2007. Documents, which were released via university officials earlier in the week, show financial evidence that a six-foot corner of the plot was purchased at 10:53 a.m. on February 14, 2007—one week prior to the Chief's famed “Last Dance” in Assembly Hall. Other university transactions from that morning include a payment to a non-contracted moving crew, a credit card purchase for a shovel and a check written out—but immediately denied—for eight orange suit jackets signed by “Big Daddy Weber.” Investigators believe that the body of Illiniwek rests underneath the historic Morrow Plots, a site university students are instructed to avoid from their first moments on campus in fear of being kicked out of school and charged with a felony. Students now understand that they were told to avoid the fertile area for much different reasons. “I'm pretty shocked,” LAS senior Brett Swanson said. “If this is true, this means I've literally snuck in and peed on the Chief like seventeen times.” Swanson reported having extremely bad luck ever since the first time he peed on the Plots, claiming he's been cheated on by three different girls and couldn't hold the grade point average necessary for a chemical engineering major, which forced him to settle in the field of communication for the remainder of his collegiate career. “I guess I can go back and teach high school or just get my masters,” Swanson said quietly, looking at his feet. “That will be fun.” For the College of ACES, the effects seen on the Chief's new burial ground have been much more satisfying. “Now I'm not saying we used his body as fertilizer or anything, but you wouldn't believe what we've been able to grow since we put him down there,” said Fred Bellow, Plant Breeding and Genetics professor at the University of Illinois. “We're seeing a substantial improvement with our cross-pollination research, and the soil has been more fertile than ever before.” Bellow cited several mysterious cases in which crops didn't grow leaves but instead sprouted orange and blue feathers.
“This one time I went out there at night because I forgot a pair of hedge clippers,” Bellow remembered. “When I got to the Plots, I felt a chill and then there was this faint whispering, but I couldn't make out what it was saying. All of a sudden I found myself standing in the middle of the field with nothing but this headdress on. Like, totally naked. And then the whisper turned into really loud and deep laughter.”
Although colleagues mostly agree that Bellow probably just ate the wrong plant from the “special plot” in his backyard, multiple ACES students remember different instances in which they smelled incense, found traces of rawhide in soil samples or “heard distant drumming as if from another world” when working on the Morrow Plots. continued on page 19
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page 6 Curtis Apple Orchard Owner May be a Millionaire by 2014
page 9 Student Accepts Grandma's Friend Request
Removes anal silicone plug in front of three female students in UGL.
"People gotta have pumpkins, my friend."
immediately regrets it as she Comments on pictures in all caps.
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