Illinois - Issue 11 - 10/30/2013 by The Black Sheep

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Vol. 23, Issue 11

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10/30/13 - 11/06/13

Sources Confirm Former Chief Illiniwek

Buried in Morrow Plots By: UIUC Staff Sources confirmed this past Wednesday that the man formerly known as Chief Illiniwek has been buried in the Morrow Plots since early 2007. Documents, which were released via university officials earlier in the week, show financial evidence that a six-foot corner of the plot was purchased at 10:53 a.m. on February 14, 2007—one week prior to the Chief's famed “Last Dance” in Assembly Hall. Other university transactions from that morning include a payment to a non-contracted moving crew, a credit card purchase for a shovel and a check written out—but immediately denied—for eight orange suit jackets signed by “Big Daddy Weber.” Investigators believe that the body of Illiniwek rests underneath the historic Morrow Plots, a site university students are instructed to avoid from their first moments on campus in fear of being kicked out of school and charged with a felony. Students now understand that they were told to avoid the fertile area for much different reasons. “I'm pretty shocked,” LAS senior Brett Swanson said. “If this is true, this means I've literally snuck in and peed on the Chief like seventeen times.” Swanson reported having extremely bad luck ever since the first time he peed on the Plots, claiming he's been cheated on by three different girls and couldn't hold the grade point average necessary for a chemical engineering major, which forced him to settle in the field of communication for the remainder of his collegiate career. “I guess I can go back and teach high school or just get my masters,” Swanson said quietly, looking at his feet. “That will be fun.” For the College of ACES, the effects seen on the Chief's new burial ground have been much more satisfying. “Now I'm not saying we used his body as fertilizer or anything, but you wouldn't believe what we've been able to grow since we put him down there,” said Fred Bellow, Plant Breeding and Genetics professor at the University of Illinois. “We're seeing a substantial improvement with our cross-pollination research, and the soil has been more fertile than ever before.” Bellow cited several mysterious cases in which crops didn't grow leaves but instead sprouted orange and blue feathers.

“This one time I went out there at night because I forgot a pair of hedge clippers,” Bellow remembered. “When I got to the Plots, I felt a chill and then there was this faint whispering, but I couldn't make out what it was saying. All of a sudden I found myself standing in the middle of the field with nothing but this headdress on. Like, totally naked. And then the whisper turned into really loud and deep laughter.”

Although colleagues mostly agree that Bellow probably just ate the wrong plant from the “special plot” in his backyard, multiple ACES students remember different instances in which they smelled incense, found traces of rawhide in soil samples or “heard distant drumming as if from another world” when working on the Morrow Plots. continued on page 19

page 5 Freshman Mistakes "All-Nighter" for "One-Night Stand"

page 6 Curtis Apple Orchard Owner May be a Millionaire by 2014

page 9 Student Accepts Grandma's Friend Request

Removes anal silicone plug in front of three female students in UGL.

"People gotta have pumpkins, my friend."

immediately regrets it as she Comments on pictures in all caps.

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#goodtimes Word

Kitty Kat, I’m currently a freshman in chemical engineering, and I hate it with every bone in my body. It’s not just the workload but also the fact that I’m terrified of blowing something up by mixing the wrong chemicals in the lab. I need your help picking a new major. I like math, but not too much of it, and I consider myself pretty creative and unique. I don’t like reading, writing is okay, and I’m single so find me a new major with some hot chicks in it. Thanks, Fearful for the Future Dear Male Version of Freshman Me, Dude, I’m right there with you. Anything with “engineering” after it sucks balls. Been there, done that, and I’m never going back. I got out my freshman year and never looked back, so I’m more than willing to help you do the same. But first, I think you’re stuck for another semester or so. I’m pretty sure there’s some binding small print somewhere that says you can’t switch out of your major until second semester freshman year. So get excited to watch your GPA plummet another whole point or two in the spring. As soon as you can, switch your ass into communication. No, don’t laugh. Try it out. Meet some athletes, meet some girls as stupid as you, start seeing As and Bs again. From there, try out some classes and see what you want to do. There’s a lot of math/ creativity hybrids you get yourself into (hint: advertising rocks). As for the hot girls … well, I’m not sure what your taste is, but I’m guessing you’re into sorority girls (who isn’t?). Your safest bets probably include psychology, biology, advertising (again!), fine arts, maybe business? Or just stick it out in communication. They’re blonde and dumb there. Jackpot. If nothing seems appealing to you by the end of your first year, I say just drop out and find a minimum wage job at a promising fast food chain. Best of luck, Kitty Kat

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A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

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Freshman Mistakes “All-Nighter” for “One-Night Stand” By: Strawberry Shortcock According to a report from the University of Illinois police department, freshman Michael Ziegler was arrested earlier this week on charges of lewd conduct, indecent exposure, public nudity and sexual harassment. Witnesses say Ziegler entered one of the group study rooms of the Undergraduate Library and proceeded to remove his clothing, undergarments and an anal silicone plug in front of three female students. “It was fucked up,” said senior Samantha Trushbar, who had been studying near the room where the incident occurred. “You know, those rooms have see-through partitions. We heard someone cry out and when we looked over, all anyone could see was just this pale, freshman ass attached to a pair of even paler toothpick legs. We’re talking baby ass, right in the goddamn face.” When university police officer Sherri Aarons arrived at the scene, Ziegler was allegedly standing naked on top of a table and “windmilling”—the sexual display of

spinning one’s penis around in a circle, as to emulate the motion of a windmill— in front of the three female undergraduates. After being thrown to the ground and handcuffed, several eyewitnesses report hearing Zeigler moan, “This is so kinky...you know how I like it rough,” before being led out of the building. Ziegler, who is still in custody, was invited earlier that day to the study session for a Statistics 100 midterm and reportedly mistook the innocent invitation as something much more sexual. The psychology major explained his thought process in a statement released online late Tuesday night: “Listen, I feel like a damn idiot. All semester long, people in my dorms and on Facebook kept talking about these ‘brutal all-nighters’ they kept having. Seriously, every damn day someone new would start bitching about how exhausted they were from the all-nighter they pulled the night before. I mean, I know now that all-nighters don’t

have anything to do with having sex all night … but I was jealous of everyone and all the sweaty sex I imagined them having. So when those three girls invited me to join in on the all-nighter they were planning for Stats 100, I seriously lost it. I thought I’d never tame that boner, ya know? It was exactly as I’d always imagined college would be. I never meant to hurt anyone, but when you’ve convinced yourself that you’ve just been invited to an all-night orgy with three tight-looking girls, you don’t think logically. You just do a bit of mental prep and go.” Ziegler’s lawyer, Tim Melzer, claimed the whole situation is a just a big, embarrassing misunderstanding. Melzer said Ziegler’s actions are “one hundred percent pardonable,” because his “excessive horniness clouded his common sense and induced a temporary state of early-onset dementia.” Off the record, Melzer referred to it as the “sex-crazed freshman syndrome” and that he“really hopes the poor dude gets his dick wet "sometime soon."

Laura Sherman, the professor who teaches the Statistics 100 section for which the group had legitimately planned to meet, couldn’t help but feel personally responsible for Ziegler’s misunderstanding. “I’ve seen him in class, because he always sits in the second row and pays super close attention to my teaching,” she said through pouted lips. “If I had known he was having some of these issues for the midterm, he should have just come to office hours. He’s a sweet, good-looking kid. I would have helped him out a little bit.”

“popular college slang” in order to make sure they knew the definitions of all the “cool, hip lingo” that help build the college experience. Included in the list were “veg out,” “throw me a bone” and “heavy load,” which were all strictly defined in order to prevent horny freshmen from turning them into sexual innuendo and causing another potential sexual harassment lawsuit.

The university hasn’t yet released an official response, but students in LAS 100 report receiving an impromptu lesson on

Bail is set at $500,000. To raise money for his release, friends of Ziegler are selling “Virgin or Pervert?” shirts are on the Quad for $12.

Throughout the affair, Ziegler has remained positive. “So what?” he said. “I’m a virgin, but that doesn’t make me a pervert.”

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If Current Sales Persist, Curtis Apple Orchard Owner May be a Millionaire by 2014 By: Benny Boy

Beginning in early October, Curtis’ business, Curtis Apple Orchard, began to experience profound growth in revenue and income. The farm, which throughout the year is a desolate and unforgiving rural plot, saw a surge in costumer interest which, when extrapolated, will make Curtis a millionaire by next year.

Daniel’s cigar goes out as he talks to representatives from Forbes. Taking a fifty-dollar bill, he lights the corner and holds it to tip. “How did revenue increase 500% in the fall quarter? Nobody, including myself, knows. But what I do know is that the gravy train is finally here

Listening to Anal Cunt Song in Headphones Early last Tuesday, seemingly normal sophomore student Brian Patrick was reported to have been listening to the controversially obscene grindcore band Anal Cunt on his way to class. Dressed in a grey hoodie, tan khakis and a St. Louis Cardinals hat, the young man gave off no hint he was listening to Anal Cunt’s 1994 album Everyone Should Be Killed.

Daniel Curtis takes a long and savory drag of his Cuban cigar and kicks his $1,200 Louis Vuitton loafers onto the table as he is questioned by Forbes magazine on his sudden propulsion to wealth—a freak phenomenon which has puzzled economists for weeks.

“The farm has been in my family for generations,” he said. “I, of course, never lived on it as a child. I lived my childhood and young adulthood in Phoenix. When my old man passed away this April, I came back to take over work on the farm. The first couple months I thought I was going to be destitute, but then BAM, October.”

Perfectly Normal Looking Kid

for old Danny Curtis,” he yelled with a deep and gregarious bellow of laughter. “Yes, but how do you plan on carrying these kinds of numbers into winter?” one reporter asked. “Your business has experienced the largest growth in revenue since Nippon Phonogram released Bob Marley’s Legend. Your strategies could have profound impact on the national, hell, the global business stage. What's your secret?” “People gotta have pumpkins, my friend,” Curtis said. “People gotta have pumpkins.”

“There was nothing really off about him,” fellow sophomore Julie King said. “He kind of just blended in with the crowd and seemed like a pretty normal dude. Then, he pulled out his iPod, and I saw that he was listening to a song called ‘I Lit Your Baby on Fire.’ At first I thought he was going to change it, but then he just turned it up and kept walking.” Friends and family have noticed that Brian’s iPod has been well-stocked with bands such as Cattle Decapitation, Cannibal Corpse and Napalm Death for some time now, despite no apparent change to Brian’s personality or behavior. Those close to Brian express feelings of discomfort when talking to Brian between classes, knowing that the album Frozen Corpse Stuffed with Dope by Agoraphobic Nosebleed could very well be playing through Brian’s left earbud. “Whenever I walk past Brian, I tense up a little bit,” classmate Jeremy Coler admitted. “There is just something unsettling about the calm way he strolls across the Quad listening to the song 'Towering Flesh' by Pig Destroyer. There’s no intensity in his eyes, and he doesn’t seem to be upset or anything. He’s just serenely listening to intense gore-grind at ear-splitting volumes like it’s no big deal. I just try to steer clear just in case.” By Benny Boy

Guy Thinks Papa Del’s and Papa D’s are the Same Thing By: Lord Christian Van Tulsa

In the dark abyss that once held home to the great Geovanti’s Bar and Grill sprouted a new, deliciously deep fried monster called Papa D’s. The rich history of Geovanti’s vanished as quickly as it started, and Papa D’s took to form under a name that was eerily similar to that of one Papa Del’s—one of Champaign’s most historically rich and popular eateries. Many have speculated that Papa D’s was just trying to bank off of the history and success of Papa Del’s via its placement in town and misheard word of mouth, while others consider the name a meaningless coincidence. However, one student has fallen into the pizzeria's possible ruse. “My mom and uncle went to Illinois, and they both told me to check out Papa D’s,” said transfer student Jake Bennett. “They said it has the best pizza, but every time I go there it’s just alright, and they seem to be pushing the chicken strips a lot more than anything else. I don’t get why it the pizza is so ranted and raved about.” Bennett was seemingly caught in the grasp of Papa D’s without realizing that the historic Papa Del’s was a completely different place just down the street. “I’ve been to both of their restaurants,” said Bennett. “The one at Green and Second is much better than the one on Fourth, but my apartment is right next to that one, so I’m eating there more often than the other.” Bennett's friends have been trying to point out the difference to him for weeks but haven’t been successful. “We’ve tried to explain to him several times that they’re different places, and

he just doesn’t get it,” said Jake’s roommate, Toby Menendez. “It’s like he just can’t see past the letter D. I’m surprised he doesn’t think that Domino’s is the same place, to be honest. I think that somebody just called Papa Del’s by the nickname ‘Papa D’s’ once and he's been confused ever since.”

“If I figure out I was doing something stupid, I’ll probably just laugh it off. Nothing is really that big of a deal." Despite his ignorance, Jake does not show any signs of diminished happiness in regards to his idiotic mistake. “People always look at me like I’m some sort of moron,” Jake said. “I have no idea why. Like, I asked a girl out to dinner to the good Papa D’s, and she laughed in my face and asked if I was serious. I heard it’s supposed to be a great first date place! I don’t really get what all of the fuss is about. Maybe one day I’ll get it. Maybe one day I’ll understand.” Bennett said it won't be a big deal if he's wrong about which pizza place is which, because he believes he has already found the better one. “If I figure out I was doing something stupid, I’ll probably just laugh it off,” Bennett said. “Nothing is really that big of a deal. By the way, why is the one Papa D’s so much more expensive than the other one?”

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Bikes, Yikes, Co-eds and Mopeds By: Scotty G On October 29, the Champaign Police Department finally released a report about the accident. You know the one, it was on everyone’s mind for weeks. Such a strange accident caused buzz all around campus, giving rise to wild rumors over what actually happened. Sheriff Terry Aki had this to say about the situation: “The incident was just a big steaming pile of nonsensical decisions that have made me lose all respect for the student body.” Here are the facts that we can confirm… At 2:39 p.m. CST, a student by the name of Reuben Panini was riding his bike north on Third Street while texting his roommate. Panini finished his text and looked up to see that he was about to run into a student crossing the street, who was supposedly tweeting on her phone at the time. To avoid striking her, Panini swerved into traffic. When Mr. Panini swerved into the road, he zoomed out right in front of a moped. The scooter was being driven by nuclear engineering student, Peppers Banana. Banana would have had plenty of time to avoid hitting the bike, but at that moment was also

texting. There was yet another person involved in the accident, because Mr. Banana wasn’t alone on his moped. He was riding with another male passenger, which we all know is the only way that mopeds can be driven. His passenger was his friend, Slavic and finance double major, Jimi Jonns. Jonns was also impaired at the time of the accident seeing as he couldn’t hear the outside world through his noisecancelling Bose headphones. Oh yeah, and he was also Instagramming a picture of his Penn Station sandwich, which he was eating on the moped. The moped struck the bicycle at a modest speed. Jonns was immediately thrown from the vehicle, possibly due to the fact that he was not in any way even attempting to hold on. His sandwich, sadly, was cast aside, hitting the text-walking girl, English student Ohre-Gon Oh, who was crossing the street. Luckily Jonns safely landed in a nearby bush. Ms. Oh was reportedly covered in greasy goodness from head to toe after being struck with the sandwich, but did not complain. Mr. Panini fell to the pavement, suffering only minor scrapes and bruises. Thankfully, his rubber-banded jeans did not get caught in the bike chain.

Mr. Banana jumped from the colliding bikes, landing perfectly on his wheelie shoes that—until that moment—everyone made fun of him for. Students that saw the accident happen have reported that it was the best Vine they’ve ever made. Afterwards, Panini, Banana, Jonns and Oh were too distracted on their phones to give the police any information. It was later uncovered that the roommate Reuben Panini was texting was none other than Peppers Banana himself, and Ohre-Gon Oh was tweeting Jimi Jonns’s photo of the sandwich that was

soon to be thrown in her face. The bulk of the police findings were pieced together by Tom Atoes, an 8-year-old townie who had stolen his mother’s Ford Taurus for some campus joyriding escapades. Atoes was driving at a safe distance behind the moped at the time. When asked how he avoided hitting the students, he responded by saying he didn’t have a phone. After such a cosmically stupid occurrence, Sheriff Terry Aki publicly stated that he doesn’t understand kids, nor does he want to.

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Student Accepts Grandma’s Friend Request, Immediately Regrets It

The

Top

Ten

Ways to Bide Your Time Until Thanksgiving Break By: kitty kat

With Homecoming and Halloween behind us, a week off of school for Thanksgiving seems like it’s years away. How do you make the time between then and now fly by? We have some ideas. 10.) Find a New Netflix Series: With Breaking Bad done and over with, you need a new show to lose yourself in. How about 9 seasons of The X-Files? If anything, you'll finally have something to talk to your creepy uncle about at Thanksgiving! 9.) Learn the Entirety of Les Miserables on the Piano: Ah, a recently-revived classic. The first act of the musical is over 250 pages alone, so there’s no doubt it’s going to take you a while. It’ll take even longer if you don’t already know how to play piano to begin with. 8.) Become Obsessed With an Obscure Historical Figure: Go to Wikipedia and do a random article search until you come up with a queen/king/criminal that you’ve never heard of before. Bulgarian Khan Umor? Sure, why not. Study every aspect of his life and recite his birth line to your friends like they actually care. Did you know he only ruled for forty days? Umor, c’mon man! 7.) Can on the Quad for Illini Media: Asking for donations on the Quad is pretty difficult to do in a sea of students who hate throwing away money or being stopped on the way to class. But we bet if you really pour your heart and soul into it, you could wrangle together $5 in change by Thanksgiving to help out The Daily Illini. They’ll take whatever they can get. 6.) Get a Job: We know you probably didn’t want to see this option on the list, but it has to be done. First of all, it’s just a good idea to do at some point in your life. Second, it’s some extra cash flow instead of begging mom after every weekend out. Trust us, 40 hours a week will make this month fly by.

By: Dan Mirabelli After a month of debate, freshman Brian Pullman accepted his grandmother’s Facebook friend request last week. Over the past seven days, Pullman has experienced the complete destruction of the flawless public image he meticulously crafted over the past decade. “I could have never anticipated that it would get this bad,” Pullman said dejectedly. “My reputation has completely tanked.” The friend request was sent after Pullman’s nineteenth birthday in September and after mounting pressure from his mother, he finally gave in and accepted her request. “She kept calling me asking why Brian hadn’t accepted the request, and I couldn’t take it anymore,” explained Pullman’s mother. “Finally I called him and asked him if that’s what he wanted his grandma’s last memories of him to be.” Pullman called this move a “cheap shot” and ultimately blames his mother for his social decline. “It was only an hour until I started regretting accepting her request,” Pullman said. “She commented “THIS REMINDS ME OF WHEN YOU WORE MY UNDERWEAR :)” on a picture of me in a bathing suit.” The comment currently has 31 likes and appears to be making a resurgence in the past couple days. When pressed to explain himself, Pullman replied, “I slept over at her house when I was five, and I forgot to bring clean underwear. Can we move on please?” Unfortunately for Pullman, the humiliation didn’t end there. Over the following days, his grandmother went through all of his pictures, liking nearly every one that had a girl in it and occasionally commenting, “HOPE YOU ARE KEEPING IT CLEAN.” Scott Dithery, one of Pullman’s floormates, believes that Mrs. Pullman has revealed who Brian truly is and couldn’t be happier. “I used to be intimidated by that kid, but now he’s not even a blip on my radar,” Dithery said. “Did you hear that he wore his grandma’s panties? Unreal.” “Giving her my email address I the first place resulted

in being forwarded stupid pictures and chain emails every day for three years,” Pullman complained. “Now my Newsfeed is cluttered with shared articles like ‘Obama is the Devil’ and ‘Shingles: An Inside Look.’” He reportedly told her he changed emails last year and gave her a fake to divert the spam, which many called “ethically questionable.”

5.) Plan Your Wedding: Doesn’t matter if you’re engaged or single or just a wishful thinker, planning your future is going to take up a lot of time. Log onto Pinterest and scour every inch of that woman wonderland. Find your dress, your centerpieces, your cake. And hopefully, some day, you’ll find your man too.

Unfortunately, Pullman made the mistake of not untagging himself in pictures with alcohol. When his grandmother found them she posted, ”LOOKS LIKE YOU’VE BEEN A BAD LITTLE BOY, BUT I WON’T TELL ON YOU.” Unsure of whether to be thankful that he wasn’t going to be ratted out or to be weirded out by being called a “bad little boy,” Pullman commented, “It just sounds too sexual.” “I also don’t think she knows how to turn off her caps lock, which amazes me since she’s had like 40 hours of computer classes at the library,” reported Pullman. Sources indicate that Mrs. Pullman in fact does know how to use caps lock but opts to use it so she sounds “jazzed” online. We reached out to Mrs. Pullman for answers regarding her Facebook activity. After being hung up on four times, because she was having trouble with her “iTelephone,” Mrs. Pullman replied with, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. The Facebook is just for fun! Brian needs lighten up. Oh, this reminds me of the time he peed his pants and cried about it for a week. It was so cute!” However, the final straw was when his grandmother commented, “IS THIS THE GIRL YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT” on approximately 10 pictures of Pullman with various girls. Brian deleted his Facebook yesterday in an attempt to escape the virtual hell that has been licking at his heels for the past week. He can only hope that it all blows over and said he will probably reactivate it in a month or so, but he’ll “definitely be defriending that crazy old bat.”

4.) Do the Big Fat Ugly Challenge at Noon on a Weekday: You might be thinking that this doesn’t take up much time at all, just about 30 minutes on a Tuesday. Not true—you need to prepare yourself for this one. The few days leading up to the challenge need to be spent doing intense workouts with little to no food consumption. That’ll keep you busy. 3.) Go to Class and Study Like Crazy: Another option you weren’t looking forward to seeing. But if you actually do the whole “student thing” right, it takes up a shitload of time. 2.) Try Every Possible Pizza Combination at Antonio’s: If our math is right, about three-fourths of campus has never had a delicious slice of Antonio’s pizza since they’ve been a student here. Make up for the lost years and try to get through everything on their menu. Our first slice is going to be half Canadian bacon and pineapple, half artichoke and pesto. 1.) Pull an All-Nighter, Every Night: You’d be surprised how much you can accomplish when you don’t waste any time sleeping. You’d be even more surprised how long you can sleep after a 72-hour bender. This option is a good mix between being lazy as shit and getting stuff down. Your internal clock will be a little messed up for a while, but it’s worth sitting through a few weeks of anticipation.

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l l a H n e l l A o t in s e v o M Offerman after Benefit Performance With Parks and Recreation on hiatus, star and Illini grad Nick Offerman has decided to permanently move into Allen Hall after hearing about the residence hall's Guests-in-Residence Program, which allows people of all arts backgrounds to live in the dorm for a period of time. Reports claim he will live in Allen Hall for the remainder of the academic school year. Offerman made the announcement on Sunday, the day after he performed at Krannert as part of his “American Ham Tour” to benefit the University of Illinois Japan House. Offerman immediately had his wife, actress Megan Mullally, ship the rest of his things to Allen Hall that he hadn’t brought with him on tour. The first day in his new room, he sawed apart all of the furniture that Allen provided to “build a mega-bed.” Once he was done refurnishing his room, Offerman went around to meet his fellow residents. Students fawned over Offerman, begging for autographs, however Offerman rejected the requests and made a request of his

By: Winnie Bago

own: to collect all the razors students had in Allen.

slack-line enthusiast, who is a regular on the Quad, cheered.

“He said something about this being the best No Shave November campus will ever see,” one confused Allen resident said.

The Illini Union Board plans to show Offerman’s 2008 instructional DVD, “Fine Woodstrip Canoe Building with Nick Offerman” every Illinite for the coming year’s activities, and it will be a required and tested material in all civil engineering classes.

With his room housing the mega-bed, Offerman needed a different place to store his belongings, specifically his woodworking tools. The university’s Stock Pavilion graciously relinquished the building to Offerman, allowing him free reign to come and go as he pleased. From there, Offerman planned many new things he wants to bring to campus, and university organizations have happily obliged. Offerman’s next project is to construct a rock climbing wall that will be placed in the center of the Quad made from real rocks and a cliff imported from a Hawaiian coast. “Now we can slack line even higher,” a

While Offerman is re-settling in on campus, food is quickly becoming a major issue. Once a week, Allen hosts Leafy—a vegetarian-themed dinner. Being a vegetarian doesn’t fit into Offerman’s diet, as he consumes red meat as though God threatened to strike him down if he didn’t. Dining hall chefs initiated additional meat shipments to all residence dining halls so that Offerman’s meat needs will always be met. In honor of Offerman’s arrival on campus, McKinley is also creating specialized programs related to the Parks and Recreation star. The program they anticipate to be

the most popular is “The Dangers of Ear Sex,” inspired by Offerman’s role in We’re the Millers.

However, one group on campus is receiving no attention from Offerman: international students from Europe.

Other campus organizations are getting in the Offerman spirit as well. University police are allowing Offerman to lead defense courses, showing how fishing line and plywood can be your best friends when being attacked. WPGU hired Offerman to even have his own talk show, explaining why the government is your biggest threat in obtaining a college degree.

“Maybe it’s the socialism thing?” one German exchange student theorized.

Offerman is also unleashing his sexy side on campus. He's in talks with Piano Man to team up Tuesday nights in order to bring his ultra-sexy saxophonist persona from the television screen onto campus.

One student was confused when they bumped into what seemed like nothing on the street and heard a muffled, “Dammit, for the love of bacon, move out of the way!”

Living off the grid is more Offerman’s style, but returning to a college campus is far from an unrestricted lifestyle. Offerman is now devising a plan with engineering students on campus to develop an invisibility cloak.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Friday Night's Show CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Dia De Los Muertos with TOPHER JONES, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MISS A and more!

THURSDAY! Firehaus & Clybourne's Nightmare on 6th Street! 2 Bars - One Big Party! Get the Nightmare 22oz Cup! $3 Double Wells in the Cup $3 Jim Beam in the Cup! $1500 in Prizes Between Bars!

FRIDAY: Old 2 The New Halloween Party with DJ Wesjile and DJ Kow Free before 11pm Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

SPECIAL NIGHT

THE GOOSE IS LOOSE ALL NOVEMBER LONG! $1 Off Grey Goose Drinks $3.50 14oz 312 Drafts $4.50 20oz 312 Drafts

Wednesday 10/30

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

BEE KAY's 8 SEMESTERS Release

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Thursday 10/31

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

Halloween Night! RUSKO with RONI SIZE and DJ SOLO

Firehaus & Clybourne's Nightmare on 6th Street! 2 Bars - One Big Party! Get the Nightmare 22oz Cup! $3 Double Wells in the Cup $3 Jim Beam in the Cup! $1500 in Prizes Between Bars!

Sun Stereo, 10, $5 with The Curses

Friday 11/1

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Dia De Los Muertos with TOPHER JONES, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MISS A and more!

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys

Old 2 The New Halloween Party with DJ Wesjile and DJ Kow Free before 11pm

Saturday 11/2

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

DJ BL3ND with ARKITEKZ

DOLLAR BOMB NIGHT! 25 Different Bombs to Choose From! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans!

Swords Depth, 9pm w/ DJ Belly, Paulie Walnuts, Jarrell Young and MISFIT, and more!

Sunday 11/3

Closed

LOTUS with COSBY SWEATER

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

Monday 11/4

Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!

$2 U CALL IT

Book Your Next Event Here!

Tuesday 11/5

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands! $1 Cover

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka, $2 Bud Light Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 11/6

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

FOXY LADY CONTEST - Early TEACH FOR AMERICA BENEFIT - Late

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURSDAY! Firehaus & Clybourne's Nightmare on 6th Street! 2 Bars - One Big Party! Get the Nightmare 22oz Cup! $3 Double Wells in the Cup $3 Jim Beam in the Cup! $1500 in Prizes Between Bars!

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

Risque Thursday Halloween Party at 10pm! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

Wednesday 10/30

Scaryoke Night! Karaoke at 10pm! Best Costume Wins! $1 SHOTS, Bud Mug Night! $2 Sailor Jerry

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Thursday 10/31

Firehaus & Clybourne's Nightmare on 6th Street! 2 Bars - One Big Party! Get the Nightmare 22oz Cup! $3 Double Wells in the Cup $3 Jim Beam in the Cup! $1500 in Prizes Between Bars!

Halloween Party! $3 Fireball with the Fireball Girls

Friday 11/1

Friday After Class! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jim Beam, $3 Three Olives

Saturday 11/2

Illinois vs Penn State - 11am $3.99 Pretzel Bites All Day! Special Saturday Mug Night! Get the Gameday Glass Mug! Bulls vs 76ers 7pm

Comic Book Themed Party w/ Stella Cidre Girls Introducing the Captain Morgan Cannonball with $3 Captain Morgan and $15 Cannonballs! #Cannonballin

Sunday 11/3

$2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS Every Liquor...Every Beer - $2 Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel, watch every score live!

NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Monday 11/4

Monday Night Football BEARS vs PACKERS Win Bears Tickets!

$2 Long Islands, HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-10pm (excludes wings)

Tuesday 11/5

TIME WARP TUESDAY! DJ EX Playing the best of the 90's $2 Wells, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS, $6 Bud Light Pitchers

Wednesday 11/6

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM, Bulls vs Pacers 7pm

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

Halloween Basement Party at 10:30 with the Smirnoff girls

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

TH: HALLOWEEN PARTY! $500 Best Group $500 Best Individual $3 Smirnoff, $2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs

WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Risque Thursday Halloween Party at 10pm! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

HALLOWEEN PARTY! $500 Best Group $500 Best Individual $3 Smirnoff, $2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

DJ Delayney Halloween Party! $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID

$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Dia de los Muertos Costume Contest

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

$2 JAGER BOMBS & SHOTS, $2 RED HEADED SLUTS $3 VAMPIRE GUYS, $2 16oz MILLER LITE AND COORS LITE

PRESENTED BY: KAM’S AND THE BLACK SHEEP The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S

Mustache Night!

$2 Jager Shots & Bombs, $2 Red Headed Sluts, $3 Blood Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottle cans, Sponsored by Jager & The Black Sheep!

THURSDAY! Red Lion Halloween! with DJ ROCK CITY DJ Kosmo Opening the Night Best Costume Wins a Private Party & Jager Machine!

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

Logo Mug Night: Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

PUMPKIN SMASHING COMPETITION! Choose your weapon! Pick the right pumpkin and WIN CASH! Jim Beam Bucket Night!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

Red Lion Halloween! with DJ ROCK CITY DJ Kosmo Opening the Night Best Costume Wins a Private Party & Jager Machine!

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 10/31

Zombies on Daniel – Halloween Party! Best Zombie Wins $750 Scooter! Prizes for Best Zombie Group, Couple & Homemade

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

SUN: Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Wed. 10/30

Frattle FINALE! Winner Gets $1000! WPGU Live - Bud Girls $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam

THURSDAY: Mustache Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

THURSDAY! Zombies on Daniel – Halloween Party! Best Zombie Wins $750 Scooter! Prizes for Best Zombie Group, Couple & Homemade Great Drink Specials! Sponsored by Jager and The Black Sheep

Absolut Friday featuring Delicato 10pm $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $3 Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Jameson Girls 11p-1a

BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$3.50 Irish Pub Stout & Batch 19 , $7.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pitchers $4.00 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it

Friday 11/1

Red Headed Party – Best Red Head Wins $100 Cash! No cover for all Red Heads! $2 Red Headed Sluts $1 Rolling Rock Drafts - Get Green Mason at Door, $2 Jager Shots & Bombs Illini Game Watch 11am

Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs

$2.25 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pints $2.50 Bacardi Bombs $5.00 Jameson Doubles

REVERSE BLOCK PARTY Open Early $1 Bud Light Drafts!

$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It

Saturday 11/2

SUNDAY FUNDAY $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000

Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

Sunday 11/3

BEARS vs PACKERS Football Miller Girls – Win Bears Tickets Open 7pm! $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 11/4

Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - COORS GIRLS 10p-12p - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 11/5

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: Guinness $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 11/6

Platinum Party Win Bulls Tickets Bud Girls $2 Platinium, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam

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Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could be in any movie scene ever, what scene would it be and who would you replace? lum Meredith, A

“In Titanic. I’ll replace the girl who scrapes her fingers in the steamy car.”

Claire, Alum

“Ferris Bueller. When he drives the car through the window, but I don’t want to get in trouble.”

Nick, Senior

“In Psycho. The shower scene.”

Bartenders of the Week

Nia of Joe's

Relationship status: No fat chicks! Major: Biomedical engineering … just kidding, communication. Favorite Drink: Whiskey diet. Favorite Shot: Not in my eye, please. Disgusting Drink: Tequila and milk. A child’s laughter makes you…: Physically angry. What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Hazing pledges. What’s nature’s sexiest animal?: Me, obviously. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the Internet?: A grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus’ face on it. If you had a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: The Wrinkly Raisin. What’s the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: Rolling backpack. If it wasn’t you then who was it?: Jimmy NoFun. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s good toilet literature.

Drinking Game

Ashley of

Relationship status: Taken Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Milk stout nitro Favorite Shot: Gummy bear Disgusting Drink: Duck fart A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile? What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Snakes on a Plane How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Leave them in every public toilet on campus. What’s nature’s sexiest animal?: Sloth. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the Internet?: Jam. Or Scrabble tiles. If you had a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Kiwi What’s the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: Dyed my eyebrows blonde If it wasn’t you then who was it?: It was Grady. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It is a valid resource and a scholarly reading.

Canopy Club

Recipe for disaster

Pigskins and Puke

Day of the Dead Deep Fry

With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.

Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween. After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.

What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.

What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness. Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.

How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table.

Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours. - Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl. - In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder. - Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk. Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes. - Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot. - Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil. - Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face.

The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.

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Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.

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Booze Review Bacardi OakHeart Grade: b written by: Kitty Kat

Bacardi is one of those brands that has a certain, distinct taste in its beverages. That holds true with their new spiced rum, Bacardi OakHeart. After our taste test, we’ve giving the bottle a B—to balance out between the staff’s general opinion of the rum and this writer’s lack of fondness for Bacardi in general. But if you want something new (or just want a manlier-looking form of Bacardi for your football pregames) here it is. We’re not sure what it is about OakHeart that makes us feel like setting sail and slaying—er, we mean stealing— booty. Maybe because the name just sounds like a pirate ship in general? But after a glass or two, we were staggering around on peg legs and throwing our least favorite writers overboard. Typical Drinkers: Orlando Bloom and his good buddy Johnny Depp, girls who were “sexy pirates” for Halloween, Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips, and anyone who's worn an eye patch at one point in their life for medical reasons User Comments: “Argh, matey, let’s get late night pizza!” “Usually I only drink Bacardi Dragon Berry, but this a nice change of pace.” “The bottle isn’t colorful enough for me to take shots of it.” “Might want to swab the deck, bloke. I just hurled everywhere.” What Your Girlfriend Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Since when is Bacardi brown? You must be really brave to try that.” *squeezes bicep and removes panties* Best Described as a Song Lyric: “And if you sail into our waters / You best hear this decree / We’ll take your boat / Set your ass afloat / Somalian Pirates we!” – South Park Food Pairing Suggestion: Freshly pillaged corned beef, pigeon, pickled herring and olives—everything soaked in vinegar and garlic—and, of course, as many bottles of rum as you can find. You’ll Like This if You Like: Pretending you’re a little kid again, dammit! Dressing up in mismatch, raggedy clothes, drawing a “mom” tattoo on your arm, and running around the house with an empty paper towel roll “sword.” Best Mixer: Classic cola will do.

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It's X O'Clock

What Music Should I Play? By: Scotty G The first rule they teach you at DJ school is that there is a time and a place for all types of music. You just need to know where it fits. Nobody likes the kid in the apartment downstairs who blasts Skrillex at 8 a.m., and you can’t just throw on The Mamas and the Papas at 11 p.m. when you’re trying to rage with friends. You need a set of rules to guide your musical selections throughout the day. So here’s what we put together. It should be noted, however, that with a limited music selection, we didn’t include a time of day for you to listen to Honky Tonk Samba Jazz-Blues. Noon – Classic Rock The sun’s shining bright, and all the kids are out riding their RipSticks. Start the day out right by putting on some simple tunes that everyone can nod along to. This selection of music is also known as Dad Jams, because you’re likely to crack open a beer and start up the grill while listening to them—not that there’s anything wrong with that. You can use Bowie and Queen’s “Under Pressure” Pandora station as a reference point. Try to avoid drifting into 80s hair metal.

5:00 p.m. – Ironically Bad Songs This is the most acceptable time to ironically play Creed and Nickelback. Don’t worry, no one will find out that you actually like them. However, your friends might become suspicious after you sing along word for word with “Rockstar” and hum deep tracks from the Human Clay album. This is the time of day people start getting a little goofy and slap happy before the night’s case race. So get silly and sing along to songs no one really likes (except you, secretly). 7:00 p.m. – Pop Country The time has come to appease the country folk among your friends. Plus, the Natty and Jager shots are starting to kick in so you feel like moving around a bit. After a little bit of Taylor Swift and “Wagon Wheel”, you’ll be able to switch to something else. Maybe you sneak in some “Cotton Eyed Joe” to get the dancing started. 8:30 p.m. – Throwback 90s Now that you’re sick of country, throw on some Third Eye Blind and early Matchbox

Twenty. Nobody objects to a nice trip down memory lane, but make sure you don’t stay with this genre for too long or else you and your friends will slowly turn into grumpy old folks saying things like, “Man, back then people really played instruments. Kids these days don’t even make real music any more.” That’s how you know you need to get off your high horse or else watch your night turn into shambles. 9:30 p.m. – Hipster Takeover Hand over the DJ reigns to your most musically opinionated friend, which is probably the friend in the corner surfing Instagram and drinking some rare pumpkin ale from Binny’s. If you can get past the overwhelming urge to make fun of him, you’ll come across some cool songs you’ve never heard before. Maybe some sick Neutral Milk Hotel remix? 10:45 p.m. – Electronic Hits This is when you play all those songs you’ve heard a thousand times at the bars but never actually learned who sings them. Anything with heavy autotune and ambiguously computerized

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instrumentation will do. Also anything made by Nordic duos and trios; the songs are in broken English to emphasize the robotic vibe. If you don’t have any of these on your iPod and don’t want to waste time searching them out, just get over to Red Lion. That’ll fill the void. 1:00 a.m. – Wedding Songs Everyone’s loosened up and ready to dance, so trot out the classics: “Shout”, “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough”, “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”, “You Shook Me All Night Long.” Basically anything as long as it’s not “The Chicken Dance” or “The Cha Cha Slide.” Let’s not take this too far, okay? If someone claims to not like these songs, they are not to be trusted. Cut off all communications with this individual immediately. Change all your passwords. Move out of your place.

Create a new identity in New Hampshire. Do whatever it takes to distance yourself from this sociopathic anti-joy-bot. 4:00 a.m. – Sad Country This is the perfect time of the night for depressing southern tunes. If you're still up and drinking, it means you already missed your chance at whichever guy or girl you were trying to get with. The only thing left to do is kick back with some cheap whiskey and spend the rest of the night pretending to be a weathered farmer until you pass out. And if you’re still wanting to dance after this point, you’re a monster. Take a nap, then start back up again around noon.

Continued from the cover Experts don't believe that the mystical instances are part of an attempt at revenge by the former mascot for the placement of his remains. The Chief's disappearance in February of 2007 was “a longtime coming,” according to campus police investigators.

made that they were trying to harness any form of spiritual power through burying the Chief underneath the Morrow Plots, calling it a “strange coincidence” that Illiniwek's body has an affect on the plot's crops.

According to the Campus Police Department's 2007 report, Chief Illiniwek, who entertained Illini sports fans since 1926, most likely passed from natural causes due to old age.

“Don't be ridiculous,” Chancellor Phyllis Wise told reporters earlier this week. “Do we have some of the nation's brightest scientific minds? Are we desperate to put agriculture back on the map again? Do we have a basic understanding of how magically powerful Native Americans' bodies are? The answer to all of those is yes, but don't go on making assumptions or something crazy.”

“He was like, 80 years old or something,” one investigator said. “Things get old and die and shit, you know? That's just how stuff works.” Since his disappearance in 2007, students on campus have theorized where his remains had really ended up. Some of the most popular explanations included claims that the Chief's body was actually used as the base for the Alma Mater's cast and remains inside there today, while other community members believed University President Robert Easter dressed him up in his suits and kept him in his closet. “He totally looks like the kind of guy who would fall in love with a mannequin,” sophomore Johnathon Roberts said when shown a picture of Easter. “Look at those eyes ... Jesus. Yeah that's totally what happened to the Chief's body.” President Easter denied any involvement with Illiniwek's disappearance but refused to comment on whether or not he sneaks into the Urban Outfitters located on Green Street every Wednesday night to talk to “Anthony.” The university denied any suggestions reporters

Wise and Easter were both spotted in the Morrow Plots, dancing and calling for rain on three separate nights last month. When asked about their actions, Easter appeared embarrassed and stopped blinking for three straight minutes. Wise was quick to find an excuse about their obviously offensive rain dance but then became defensive about the reporters' questioning. “It's pretty ridiculous that we would even have to do a rain dance if that bastard was really buried down there,” Wise said. “You're telling me he can't make a little rain come down from the sky? Are you kidding me? You know what? I'm glad we got rid of him. Some kind of chief he was," she said, partially directing her speech at the ground. After investigators discovered that the university had been covering up their plot to bury the historic mascot in the Morrow Plots in order to refurbish the Agricultural Department, it was found that other popular campus personalities could also still be found around the university. Former head football

coach Ron Zook has been working for the popular TFC Bank in the Illini Union Bookstore since being fired in late 2011, while Bruce Weber is now known as “that homeless guy outside of Wendy's.” There is no confirmation on whether or not Chief Illiniwek will be removed from the Morrow Plots,

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according to campus police investigators. “Right now we're not making any plans to dig him up and get him out of there,” said campus Lieutenant Steve Trame. “I mean, we kind of figure he can get out of there himself with all his magic and stuff, you know? I guess it's sort of up to him.”

PRESENTED BY: KAM’S AND THE BLACK SHEEP

KAM’S

The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014

By :B & r qu en in da n n

TOURNAMENT The Black Sheep predicts the

2014 NCAA All Americans: First Team:

Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever.

G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)

And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio.

Second Team:

Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics?

G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a well-equipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s

been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission. The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a

second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s post-fight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-anddone. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.

guess the logo

Do you know the brands that all these labels represent? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!

Music Genres ACROSS 3) When you can’t fit into any other category. 8) Toro Y Moi and Washed Out are popular artists of this genre. 9) Chicago is the birthplace of this club-based genre. 11) A color, plural. 12) Insane Clown Posse (amongst others) is at the front of this obscure genre. 15) The “ED” in EDM. 16) Skrillex popularized this genre in the U.S. 18) The tunes of Jamaica.

crossword

5) Men will play in this type of band, usually when you’re eating enchiladas. 6) United State bluegrass 7) The umbrella term for rap music in general. 10) Psy’s “Gangnam Style” exemplifies this genre. 13) The “R” in R&B. 14) This type of music is also known as Muzak. 17) Germany is the birthplace of this slow techno genre.

DOWN 1) The Baha Men created music in this Bahamian genre. 2) A rock genre that originated in 1980s Seattle. 3) Dashboard Confessional and lots of angsty tears. 4) Your parents took drugs to this genre.

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