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Vol. 24, Issue 11
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
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4/9/14 - 4/16/14
ALMA MATER RETURNS, ONLY MILDLY BETTER THAN BEFORE BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS For generations, the Alma Mater stood proudly on U of I’s campus as a symbol of some chick holding her arms out with two dudes behind her. It has been the subject of many of the university’s few longstanding, non-racist traditions. But some believed the Alma Mater, after almost a century of braving the elements and slowly corroding, was in need of a little tidying up. And since its return, the reaction to the restored Alma Mater has been a resounding, “It’s alright...” “Yeah, I guess it looks better now,” said one recent UIUC graduate, who didn't get the chance to have the Alma Mater in her graduation photo. “I mean, I didn’t really see anything wrong with how it was, and it sucks that it took two years to repair, but you know, whatever.” “I like what they did to the Alma Mater,” commented another student. “I missed seeing it, of course, and it took a year longer to fix than they said it would, but I like what they’ve done with it. It looks a little cleaner, I guess.” Countless freshmen and sophomores at U of I had never even seen the Alma Mater before its return on Wednesday. “What is this new statue they’ve put up by Panda Express?” asked one freshman. “Is that the thing that’s on our i-cards? I don’t understand. Is it supposed to be like the weeping angels in Doctor Who or something?” Upperclassmen have noted a slight improvement in the Alma Mater’s appearance since it was last seen; however, many say that they will miss the statue not being there. They will miss posing with their friends on its empty granite base as the Alma Mater statue. “That was such a fun tradition we had for almost two years — to pretend to be the Alma Mater as we waited for it to come back,” stated one senior, who will actually get to have the Alma Mater in the backdrop of his graduation photo this spring. “I already miss the empty space that the statue has taken up.” “Think about all the cool snowmen that people made on that space before!” commented a worried sophomore who contributed to one of the more creative faux-Alma snow sculptures during last year’s Snowpacalypse. “I was totally planning on making a huge dick on the base for next winter. Like, with the shaft realistically sloping off the podium
and everything. Now I have to settle for rolling two huge snow balls on each side of the South Quad bell tower again…” But happiest of all for the Alma Mater’s comeback is the Alma Mater herself. “Obviously I’m thrilled to be back,” said the refurbished statue. “Sure, having squirrels and people climb on me along with drunk couples sloppily having sex against my inscription grew tiresome at times, but
PAGE 5 OPINION: ON BEHALF OF ALL US HOTTIES, PLEASE STOP STARING
PAGE 9 TOP 10: BARS TO BRAWL AT HERE AT U OF I
YES, WE SEE YOU STARING AT US THROUGH THE HOLE YOU CUT IN YOUR SANDWICH
IF YOU'RE GOING TO START A FIGHT, YOU BETTER SCOUT THE FEATURES OF EACH BAR
it all beats being stuck at some statue restorer’s place. Seriously, those people are about as fun as they sound.” All in all, the Alma Mater’s repair was the statue equivalent of a big-budget Hollywood sequel: It cost a lot, the wait was too long and it wasn’t really necessary in the first place. “Students loved the Alma Mater just as it was before the restoration — with all its cracks and surface corrosion and water penetration,” said one student. “They didn’t need somebody to take it away for two years and repair it, but now that it’s fixed and improved, it looks okay, I suppose.”
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To be cast out from a group of friends after breaking up with a member of that group. “Just last week I was grabbing beers with Terry, then I get excommunidated after I dumped Lydia, and now he won’t text me back!”
Kitty Kat, As a loyal follower of The Black Sheep, I pride myself on learning lots of personal details about you and your staff. During my digging and Facebook creeping, I discovered that your 22nd birthday is just a few days away. What are your plans for the big day and what gifts do you want? I'd do anything for you.
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
Sincerely, Your Secret Admirer Dear Hopeless Romantic,
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE?
TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
I'm slightly flattered but also a little concerned about the other weird-ass things you do during your free time. But yes, you are correct. I will soon be an old lady, hitting a midlife crisis at a mere 22 years old. In terms of celebrating, I don't have too much planned–just having a few friends over and getting a keg. But in a perfect world that runs on Monopoly money, I'd probably have an ice cream wrestling match with a bunch of puppies, with the ability to adopt all of them afterward for free. Justin Timberlake would serenade me privately underneath a tropical waterfall, while I wash off all the ice cream and hey, maybe he'd join me in there too. After I'm clean, I'd eat an unlimited amount of sushi while watching every episode of Parks and Recreation in one sitting. Oh, and this is all while getting a full body massage on a beach in the Bahamas. And drinking jalapeño margaritas. I know it's a bit ridiculous, but if you can set this whole thing up for me, I'd say that's the gift that I want for my birthday. Don't worry about costs or anything like that. I think the guys at our corporate offices will be willing to pick up the tab. After all, I'm a stellar employee. Right, Atish? Later, Kitty Kat
PAGE 5
OPINION: ON BEHALF OF HOT PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, YES, WE SEE YOU STARING RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS
On behalf of the community of extraordinarily attractive humans at the University of Illinois, I would like to take a moment to address a growing problem at this institution. I ask for one thing: Please stop staring at our people. We know we’re hot, but that doesn’t give you a reason to mentally molest us. It’s actually detrimental to our health. Every time an ugly person stares at us, 12 of our brain cells die. It’s an extra 15 if the person’s fat. We know it’s not your fault; it’s a natural reaction. We know we’re sexy but we also know you’re staring. How, you ask? It’s because we see you. We see you. Because of the general nature of how eyes work, gawking is a two-way thing. Pretty people aren't exempt from having peripheral vision. We notice even your most subtle attempts at beaming holes into our heads with your eyes, from gigantic gen-ed lecture classes to worthless liberal arts discussion sessions. We’re not as stupid as you look. We didn’t ask for this. We didn’t ask to be mankind’s finest specimens. We didn’t ask for these flowing locks, these piercing blue eyes, these legs that have no start, no end. No one understands the struggle of being pretty. Everyone automatically assumes things about us. There’s so much more to us than
that! Everyone always gives us our way and keeps trying to buy us things. I can’t even step foot into Red Lion anymore without at least ten hideously unattractive mouth-breathers asking me, “So, uh, what are you drinking?” Seriously, you get so much free shit when you’re hot, but what if I don’t want free shit? We know we might make you feel insecure; however, that isn’t an excuse to shamelessly gape at us while we’re walking down the Quad. It makes us feel like zoo animals in a cage, forever subjected to the voyeuristic gaze of countless beady-eyed peasants. No offense. Unless you intend to talk to me, please don’t gawk. And let’s be honest, you’re not going to talk to me. You’re probably pissing yourself right now even contemplating the notion, so why even bother looking in this direction? Talk to your own kind, the uglies. Why do you think engineers have their own goddamn Quad? Or just talk to yourself! Get to know your own glowing personality, which I’m sure has to compensate for completely striking out on the attractiveness scale. Come on, somebody somewhere in the world
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doesn’t think you look like an inbred swine! Maybe your children can have hope. I mean, two fuck-faces can still have a half-decent child. A negative and a negative make a positive, right? And hey, even if there isn’t anyone out there who finds you attractive, it’s okay. Maybe it’s better that you let the family line end here before it’s too late.
All we ask is that the campus community shows an ounce of humanity towards those who are physically superior. We poop, just like everyone else. We're people too, just like you. Except we're hot. Just for a moment, stop being a rude piece of shit and look to the ground when you walk on the Quad like a normal person.
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Student Sees Some Loser Crying While Saying Goodbye to Mom Dan Mirabelli wrote this
"HAVING SEX WITH MILF NOT ALL THAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE" Buck Naked wrote this While many students talk big game before Mom’s Weekend claiming that they will score with a divorcee down for the weekend, few actually walk the walk. Brendan Walters, however, walked that walk but says that he may be worse for wear because of it. Citing reasons such as “she was older than my mom,” and “I severely underestimated the sag,” Walters claimed that it was definitely a one-time deal.
Mom’s Weekend is a time for mothers and their nearly-adult children to reunite and then part ways, but according to some students, not all of U of I’s student body has put their big boy pants on yet. “Me and my buddies were walking to the Super Pantry to pick up some cigs, and we saw this loser tearing up when he was hugging his mom goodbye. It was a fuckin’ spectacle,” stated senior Jake Thompson, laughing. We were easily able to track down the pansy by following his trail of tears, and he was rightfully mortified when he found out that he had been seen in his moment of weakness. “People saw? And they were laughing? And now I’m
getting interviewed about it? This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me,” moaned Jim Nannini, a junior. After informing us that he does not in fact use Tampax and didn’t need any Vagisil, Nannini attempted to defend himself. “Listen, when she gets going it’s hard to not tear up! Doesn’t that ever happen to you people? Or are you emotionless robots?” Nannini desperately questioned. Thompson, however, maintains that although he’s not a robot, he attempts to keep emotion out of nearly everything, especially family. “When I was around five, my parents split up, with my dad moving to a new high-rise in Chicago and my mom moving to
the street corner,” said Thompson wistfully. “Do you see me crying? No you don’t, 'cause I’m a man, and you can take that to the bank,” he concluded, jabbing his finger out in an angry point. “I’m headed out to get some Pampers for little Jimmy, now stay put everyone.” Thompson then flicked his cigarette to the curb and sauntered off into the sunset. There's no telling whether Nannini is fit to continue on into adult society if he cries every time his mother leaves campus. If anything positive was gleaned from this incident, it’s to keep private times private. Another thing that was learned is that Jake Thompson’s mother was a prostitute, but that’s for another day.
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“Everyone always talks about kids' moms saying, 'MILF this’ and ‘MILF that.' Well, let me tell you, it was not as great as people act like it is,” Walters said, refusing to make eye contact. “First off, she kept calling me ‘sonny.’ Big turn off. Secondly, she smelled like cleaning supplies and mothballs. But the real kicker was when I finally got her panties off,” said Walters, turning an odd hue of green. “I have never seen so much hair down there in my life. Believe me, I’m no snob and I’m quite reasonable about
that type of thing, but at some point it crosses a line,” Walters continued. He claimed that the woman told him that “the bigger the bush, the better the push!” before cackling maniacally. Walters also added that it was quite awkward when the woman’s son came by to pick her up, because he had to walk her to the curb to wait with her. When questioned as to why he had to wait with her, Walters replied, “So she wouldn’t roll
away of course!” It was at this point that we began to ask some hard-hitting questions, and the whole truth quickly came to light. While it pained us to do so, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to tell Walters that he had not had slept with a MILF, but rather a GILF, and a wheelchair-bound one at that. Walters may never know the truth, but as they say, “What mama don’t know don’t hurt her.”
PAGE 7
DRUNK REVIEWZ PRESENTS:
OEDIPUS THE KING STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS
Please keep your seatbelt tightened for the second edition of “Drunk Reviewz Presents,” where U of I’s humblest alcoholics prove that anyone can major in film. Your drunk host this week is, once again, Strawberry Shortcock, who spent the entirety of Mom’s Weekend sitting alone in his apartment drinking Kinky liqueur because that is what he thought a mom would taste like. He thought watching Oedipus the King would soothe his pains *and* be a great source for motherfucking puns. HE WAS WRONG. Do not watch this film. My freshman year of college I pretended to read a play by the name of Oedopis Rex by a great man named Sophocles, I think. It’s the one where Freud (the third greatest Austrian after Adolf and Arnold) came up with the theory that all men want to ping pong their mothers. I pretended to read it then, and I’m not going to lie to you folks. This movie was so fucking bad that I also pretended to watch it now. It was like in porn, when you watch the first couple minutes and then hop around on the loading bar thing to see all the
bits and crannies you would like to see. But I felt even worse about myself after watching this movie (play?) than after I watch tumblr porn. AT ANY RATE, here is what I gathered: This movie is from sometime in the sixties, but it doesn’t have underage boob like that Romeo and Juliet 1960s movie you watched in high school (not the Leo version, although I think you see his nipples in that one scene after the black drag queen Mercutio dies and he yells I DEFY YOU STARS at the Ferris wheel). Anyway, so it’s vintage—not to be\at you over the top of your head with the porn anologies—and the screen is all cracky because I watched it on youtube.com. Contrary to popular belief, this movie is not about Jesus. I thought it was about Jesus for a really long time because everyone dresses like Jesus and it’s even set in a desert. In fact, Youtube commenter NepaliBabuMadeInNepala said a comment that actually I don’t think we’re allowed to print but it rhymes with “Jesus is
a hag.” But it’s actually about Oedipus as I’m pretty sure if you’re gay you can’t also have sex wit your female mother. That’s just logic and puzzle pieces, so back off, Nepali, and watch the film more closey. The scene where Oedipus has sex with Jocasta (his mom) is not sexy at all. I don’t care if it’s incest, it’s creepy because the actors are creepy. They’re laying on some concrete looking at each other with two inches of space in between their faces and doing that horrible accent that actors from the 60s always do. And her lips look like a taco, not a sexy vagina taco but a hard shelled corn tortilla taco. And then they kiss for NOT EVEN A SECOND and it fades to black. And then we see them lying together in bed, and Oedipus is just laying there, poking Jocasta in her temple with his erect finger (not his penis). And then he goes on the make out with her hair? And then all of a sudden, it shows a bunch of guys watching them and talking about their moves in bed. Voyeurism. PORN. A tampon commercial is closer to real life sexual penetration than that scene was.
I actually would feel bad for Jocasta 'cause she fuck her son, but also because they make her look really young and sexy BEFORE and then really old once you find out she’s his mom and so part of me wants to ring ring Suey Park and say HASHTAG SEXISM into the receiver. And then Jocasta hangs herself, but not before she makes out with the noose. This film made me want to lick inanimate objects, but I don’t think it was written in the original play.
The title on youtube said “ULTRA RARE OEDPISU REX W/ CHRISTOPHER PLUMMMMER!!!!” and according to IMDB Chis Plummer was in the Sound of Music and won and Oscar a couple of years ago for being really old. I think Christopher Plummer was Jesus. That’s it for now. Overall, I’d say this movie was very difficult to masturbate to. Here’s to the MILF section on Pornhub after another lonely Mom’s Weekend.
PAGE 8
IDEAL UIUC STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T TEX MEX WROTE THIS As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after the other. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the work thoroughly
without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The UIUC student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with underprivileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing for this summer?” “He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising. “That agency has been the only
place I have applied to for the past 3 years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after the other. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest postChipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …” Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average college student. However, what turns the student population
off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled Daily Illini editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I couldn't care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want companies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.” The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel his un-supported and
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tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Espresso Royale, passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received accept letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard work pay off at this crucial
point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.
AROUND CAMPUS
THE
TOP
TEN
BARS TO BRAWL AT HERE AT U OF I BOURG THE BRUISER WROTE THIS
Everybody knows the best part of any night out on the town is getting into brawls with other patrons of whatever bar you grace your presence with. To better serve you in your noble endeavor to start petty fistfights with everyone who has the audacity to look at you the wrong way, The Black Sheep ranked which Chambana bars serve as the best forums for fighting. Let’s get ready to RUMBLE! 10.) Kam’s: Although the clientele is certainly more than willing to throw down, the famed sticky floors of Kam’s make it difficult to execute proper fighting technique. The loss of good footing and inability to draw power from your legs hinder your capability of landing a solid punch, and moving to dodge punches could be problematic if your feet are stuck to the floor. Not that YOU will need to dodge punches; we’re just looking out for that poor soul who comes across you.
U OF I CREW TEAM FACING CHARGES FOR
CRUEL HAZING ACT
CALLED "ROWING" SCOTTY G WROTE THIS On Monday, files were charged against the University of Illinois crew team after new information came to light about its hazing of freshmen. It turns out the team’s tradition goes far beyond lighthearted fun, crossing into cruel humiliation and suffering. An environmental science major named Christian Hughes was filming plant life on the edge of the Kankakee River when he initially noticed the hazing going on. He turned his camera to capture the action and reported it to the authorities immediately.
"My son was out on that boat for miles and miles, rowing in horrible weather like a goddamn Viking, while dressed like one of those fruity ballet dancers.” “They were...I don’t even want to talk about it,” said Hughes. “It’s just disgusting what they made those guys do. There were eight freshmen in the boat, and there was a small senior with them who was yelling the commands. He was making them... oh god… he was making them row the boat!” Once the news broke, Hughes was joined by throngs of outraged citizens. Jimmy Wilkins, father of a freshman on the crew team, has been vocal about putting an end to these hazing traditions. “Look, man, I played football. I know that hazing happens. It just comes with the territory,” said Mr. Wilkins. “We used to dunk the
freshmen’s jockstraps in Tabasco sauce. We made them go bobbing for apples that were actually just stinky fish heads, and then made them take a blood oath to Satan to cut all ties with their former family and friends. You know, typical initiation stuff. But this is getting out of hand. My son was out on that boat for miles and miles, rowing in horrible weather like a goddamn Viking, getting massive blisters all over his hands, while dressed like one of those fruity ballet dancers. This team just has no respect for human dignity.” One of the most heartbreaking aspects of these allegations is the story of Emma Waterson, whose boyfriend Greg is another freshman on the team. “He told me there was going to be some hazing and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but this is madness,” said Waterson. “I thought it would be over after a day or two – maybe a week at most – but he told me they have to keep doing this ‘rowing’ thing every day for the whole season! They make him come to the river and do it twice a day! Then on weekends, they force him onto a bus, take him far away, and make him row all day long. I never get to see him anymore. Somebody needs to put a stop to this before he gets hurt.” Champaign County Sheriff Kevin Carter has launched a full scale investigation into the matter and is confident that the county will be able to get convictions for the offenders. “I just hope it’s not too late,” said Carter. “These freshmen could already be in too deep to make a full recovery. I’ve seen some disturbing cases where they get a form of Stockholm Syndrome and actually start to like rowing.”
9.) Murphy’s: Music is fuel for fighting, and the jukebox at Murphy’s gives patrons the option to choose virtually any song they want to hear. Queue up a straight hour of Limp Bizkit and inform anyone who has a problem with it that they better “shut the fuck up and back the fuck up before you fuck their track up,” to quote the poetic words of Fred Durst. Then you concuss them into next week. 8.) Clybourne: Townies love to fill up Cly’s on occasion, and this is the perfect opportunity for you to seek revenge for when you or someone you know was the victim of a Crime Alert. You don’t know if any of those people are the actual offender, but you don’t need justification or confirmation of facts to send them crying to the police for once. 7.) Legends: Pool halls are classic venues for rowdy, booze-fueled fights, and the back pool tables at Legends are a great place to capture that vintage, Rat Pack-vibe for your next brawl. If your 8-Ball opponent commits a cue ball foul and tries to claim nothing happened, he can expect to receive a pool stick to the face. 6.) Joe’s: The ambiance of Joe’s makes it more conducive for dancing than fighting, and the normally packed crowds make it difficult to execute your moves; however, Joe’s scores major points on this list for giving fighters the opportunity to really bring the ‘Paign to those Illinois State rodents who infest the place every Monday night. Those kids need to remember their place in the pecking order around here, and what better way to remind them of that than by breaking their sternum with one swift punch? 5.) Cowboy Monkey: Disagreements and competition are the cornerstone of any good fight, and nowhere is this more prevalent than at Sunday Night Trivia. Talking shit about other teams and demonstrably celebrating every question you answer correctly is sure to rile up the other tables and flare tempers. If you think you’re right and the trivia host is wrong about a question, you can always answer back with a left hook to his eyeball. 4.) Firehaus: If alcohol alters your judgment to the point that you feel like you can take on anybody in the bar, then Firehaus Fish Bowls will make you feel like King-fucking-Kong. Slam a Fish Bowl on your own, then find the biggest dude in the bar and slam him in the face with your empty pitcher. This will help assert not only your physical dominance, but your drinking dominance as well. 3.) Highdive: If you’re here, you’re most likely at an exchange of some sort, which means there are females to impress. And nothing gets ladies off like watching you, the ultimate alpha male, beat down some poor fool for accidentally making eye contact with you for one second. Win a fight at an exchange here, and all the girls in attendance will be wetter than a campus sidewalk after a rainstorm. 2.) Red Lion: Every bro in this place is looking for a fight, so you may as well oblige them. What separates Red Lion from other bars is that you can get creative with how you beat some sucker down. You can jump off a table and body slam someone, hang from an I-beam and kick them in the chest or have a faux steel cage match in the new beer garden outside! Just remember: There’s no wrong way to kick someone’s ass! 1.) Brothers: “Bros, Brews, Brawls and Bitches” should be the motto of this place. With two flights of stairs and an upstairs balcony that looks over the main floor to throw people off of, Brothers is easily the best place to open up a can of whoop-ass on someone. Also, Brothers’ clientele is made up mostly of pretentious business majors, giving students from all other studies a chance to unleash bare-knuckle fury on some accounting or finance nerd for years of belittling their choice of major.
PAGE 10
Q & A WITH THE ALTGELD BELL TOWER LADY LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS Walking from class to class five days a week can be super boring. Unless you have headphones on, the only thing to look forward to is the chiming of Altgeld’s beautiful, harmonizing and sacred bell tower. You might be wondering, who’s the mystery person behind said beautiful bells? The Black Sheep got an exclusive interview with 78-year-old Gertrude Beinstein, the big-bell extraordinaire. The Black Sheep: So Gertrude, how did you get into the business of bells? Gertrude Beinstein: You’re gonna have to speak up dear; I’m a little hard of hearing. I’ve been six inches away from humungous, deafening bells my whole life. TBS: HOW DID YOU GET INTO THE BUSINESS OF BELLS? Gertrude: Well, you don’t have to scream dear. I’m not deaf. TBS: Dammit, please, just answer the question. Gertrude: I started out as a little girl with things like the xylophone and the piano, but those were a little too dainty for me. I’ve always loved to handle bigger things in most aspects of my life, so big bells were the logical next step after big balls. TBS: Big balls? Gertrude: I started teaching women’s fitness when I got out of college. My expertise is the medicine ball. I have a pretty good grip on those things for a woman my age.
TBS: Oh, gotcha… and how long have you been doing this? Gertrude: This will be my 47th year this summer. It’s been a hell of ride — one that might just end soon. TBS: Really? How come? Gertrude: Well, you can only ring big bells for so long. You know that old saying, “Ring a bell once, the chime lives on. Ring a big bell twice and you’re hooked”? TBS: No, I can’t say I know that one. Gertrude: Well, anyways, it’s hard to tell if the students appreciate it anymore. I see them all down there with the Kanye in their headphones and the Miley Cyruses twarking on their iKindles. It’s just a different time these days, that’s all. It’s a little hard to do renditions of what the kids are listening to when it’s all electronic. It’s almost as bad as the slump I had in the 80s. TBS: Well, then speaking of other music, what else do you listen to other than the big bell genre? Gertrude: I’m a big fan of classical stuff — Mozart, Beethoven. I like an orchestra with a lot of big bells and big noise. I’ve also just discovered the Grammy award-winning group the Baha Men. They sure are something. I like to discover relatively hidden or purposely buried gems like that as well. It’s not all just nightgowns and oatmeal for this old lady. I like to take frequent trips to Funky Town myself. TBS: Good to know. Do you have any favorite fellow bell ringers?
Gertrude: You know, surprisingly not. I grew up with one who does the bells at the Vatican now. Total bitch. Not a talented bone in her body actually, she just got the job because she was the only one who would take the trip overseas during WWII. I really enjoy that fellow in that Disney movie though. Seems like a sweet guy. Ugly as all hell though, I’ll tell ya what. TBS: What’s the craziest thing to ever happen up here in the bell tower? Gertrude: Oh boy, things you wouldn’t believe. One
night Red Grange and I snuck up a bottle of wine and drank out of the smaller bells until we were drunk off our keisters. If people heard the same bell chiming back-and-forth at 2:30 in the morning, it’s because Red really was the biggest in the Big Ten. Another time, I scheduled a tour and forgot about it, and because I bathe up here in the bells, a whole group of 25 students dropped in on me in my birthday suit! TBS: No further questions.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Catch the Game Here! $3.25 22oz Coors Light Stadium Cup, $4 Vegas Bombs $2.50 Three Olives Flavored Long Island Iced Teas
Friday: AER with GROUND UP and DJ SMILES
FRIDAY: Open at 3pm Cubs vs Cardinals Barcrawl! Win Cubs & Cards Tickets! FREE GRILLED CHEESE & CHIPS - Starts at 5pm! $3 Monster Energy Vodkas!
FRIDAY! Tractor Kings, $7, 9:30pm w/ Fauve, Carbon Tigers and The 92s
SATURDAY! BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Blackhawks vs Predators 7pm BUD GIANT MUG NIGHT! Get the Huge 32oz Glass Mug! $3 Jameson & Rumple
Wednesday 4/9
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
CLOSED FOR PRIVATE PARTY Book your parties now! Contact jamiew@jaytv.com!
WPGU & CLYBOURNE present FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S! Week 4 - 4 DJ's Compete! $2 Pinnacle Powerades $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night Choose from 2 Different Mugs! While Supplies Last! $1 SHOTS, Canadiens vs Blackhawks 6:30pm
Thursday 4/10
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands $5 Domestic Pitchers
WIXY presents COLT FORD with JOHN KING
FIREBOMB NIGHT! $1 FIREBALL! $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $4 Huge 24oz ICE BOMBS
Private Party - Closed Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Live Music from A COOL HAND! 4pm-6:30pm $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $2 WELLS, NO COVER!
Friday 4/11
$2 Jager Bombs, $2 Wells $2.5 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Three Olives Premium LITs $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
AER with GROUND UP and DJ SMILES
Open at 3pm Cubs vs Cardinals Barcrawl! Win Cubs & Cards Tickets! FREE GRILLED CHEESE & CHIPS - Starts at 5pm! $3 Monster Energy Vodkas!
Tractor Kings, $7, 9:30pm w/ Fauve, Carbon Tigers and The 92s
Cubs vs Cardinals BAR CRAWL! 3pm-11pm: Win Cubs & Cards Tickets! Wear your Cubs & Cards Gear! $6 Bud Light 40's, $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Captain Blackhawks vs Capitals 6pm
Saturday 4/12
$2 Jager Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
African Cultural Association presents THE MOVIE: Cultural Show (3pm) REGGAE PARTY 2014 (10pm)
$3 Jim Beam $3 Cuervo Silver $3 Three Olives Vodka $5 Patron Shots
Decadents, $5, 9pm Late Night! 11pm - 2am: DJ Belly, DJ Tim Williams, Miss Haze
BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Blackhawks vs Predators 7pm BUD GIANT MUG NIGHT! Get the Huge 32oz Glass Mug! $3 Jameson & Rumple
DOWN WITH WEBSTER WITH UPSIDE
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
$2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer...$2! Bulls vs Knicks 6:30pm $3.99 for 10 Wings
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
POP CULTURE TRIVIA NIGHT! Trivia Starts at 7:30pm MAGIC vs BULLS 7pm $1 DRAFTS of Bud Light! $2 Long Islands
$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS! Watch Every Game Here! Cubs vs Yankees 6pm Win Cubs Tickets! $2 WELLS, $2.99 Cheeseburger & Side and $5 WRAPS & Side 4pm-10pm
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Bud Mug Night! Get Your Choice of Mug! $1 SHOTS Bulls vs Bobcats 7pm
Sunday 4/13
Closed
Monday 4/14
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
Tuesday 4/15
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts *Not all Beers included* $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!
Wednesday 4/16
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
DIRTY HEADS with THE BURNING OF ROME and SNEEZY
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! The battle for Summer Camp Music Festival begins with: DIRTY LARRYS, CHURCH BOOTH and FLACCID
WPGU & Clybourne.... FRATTLE OF THE DJ's FINAL! DJs Compete for $1000 CASH & $1000 Party Rental for their House!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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KAM'S
The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
FRIDAY! $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
WED: Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olive Blue Guys
Wednesday 4/9
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olive Blue Guys
Thursday 4/10
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
KlubKam’s DJ “Spydey” Spinning at 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys
Friday 4/11
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Budweiser’s CUB/Cards Bar Crawl! $2 16oz Bud Lt. Can $3 Jim Beam & Stag DJ Delicato 10pm
Saturday 4/12
Come party at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 American Harvest
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
ILLINI FOOTBALL SCRIMMAGE 2pm Cruzan Bag Tourney 4pm DJ Jimmy Heilenbach Spinning at 10pm
Sunday 4/13
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Closed – Private Party
Monday 4/14
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call It
Tuesday 4/15
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $1.50 Coors & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys Special Country Concert CJ Simmons 10pm
Wednesday 4/16
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olive Blue Guys
watch the fight at derailed 57 East Main Street | Champaign, IL
The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
Trivia! Every Sunday @ 10pm
FRIDAY! OPEN AT 3pm! Both Beer Gardens Are Open! Cubs vs Cardinals Bar Crawl Win Cubs & Cards Tickets! $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES
This Saturday: World Welterweight Championship: Pacquiao Bradley 2, 8pm Watch at Derailed!
WEDNESDAY! Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Bell's Oberon $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/9
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 4/10
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs
OPEN AT 3pm! Both Beer Gardens Are Open! Cubs vs Cardinals Bar Crawl Win Cubs & Cards Tickets! $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 4/11
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open Early! Come Enjoy the Weather All Day! $2 Long Islands!
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts
Saturday 4/12
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 4/13
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 4/14
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 4/15
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Budweiser Black Hawks, $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/16
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
! N W O D 0 5 $ LY N O R O F N SIG VINGS! THATS $275 INhoSurA s of tour. Must sign within 72ictions apply Limted time only! Restr
FREE T S h when you briin r t
D OU ON T O ’T N MIS TH S IS!
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WE SPENT A FEW HOURS WATCHING THE ALMA WEB CAM. IT GOT...INTERESTING.
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
ANDREW MUNGER of Kam's
Relationship Status: Single Major: Accountancy, finance, engineering, aviation Favorite Drink: Gin and tonic Favorite Shot: Rail gin Disgusting Drink: Vodka What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Homer Simpson What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: Kick out first, ask questions later. This bar’s motto, five words or less: THIS IS KAM’S Give us an original swear word substitute: Sugarbuttons What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: My black lab mounting my yellow lab (they are both females). If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: My ego. How are we going to get out of this mess?: With some WD40 and a flare gun. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: You never know when you'll need some extra toilet paper when you're in a pinch.
DRINKING GAME Summer Festival Countdown If you’re like us, you’ve definitely had enough of school now to the point where you’re ready to admit that, this summer, you may have absolutely nothing going on job-wise, but there’s always festival season! To defend your $300 investment on standing in sweltering crowds of several thousands, cheer yourself up with this pre-game to the pre-game of your festival. What You’ll Need: The group of friends you’ll be concert-going/camping/drunkenly hooking up with for the summer, a computer or smartphone, and a matching Spotify playlist (optional) Number of Players: If you’re planning on heading to a festival alone, you probably already have your drinking plans set up for tonight … and tomorrow … and the rest of the weekend … Level of Intoxication: “Hey, these guys actually aren’t that bad! We should totally miss Outkast for them.” How to Play: Navigate your web browser to whatever festival you blew your parent’s money on this year. Make sure that the entire lineup is showing, not just headliners or “day-by-by” schedules. Starting at the top of the lineup, take a drink whenever one of the below criteria is met:
- There is a band making a “comeback.” - A band your parents saw back in the 80s is on the bill. - Any EDM artist surfaces – no exceptions. - A pop-punk band from your middle school days shows up out of nowhere. - A rapper who’s serious, hard-hitting lyrics about overcoming the struggles living in an awful neighborhood are found “most relatable” to affluent college kids shows up. - A band whose radio-abused single is on the tip of your tongue, but you just can’t name it comes up. - Anyone you haven’t the slightest clue about is on the bill (treat this as the finale). Everyone drinks when: - The phrase “God, this year’s lineup is so good” comes up. - The phrase “Hm … I mean, it’s no 2013, but it’s a solid lineup, right?” comes up. - The phrase “Holy shit, this lineup is fucking awful” inevitably comes up. Game Ends When: You’re either excessively excited for the festival or morally outraged at impulse buying.
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GRACE WAKA of Legend's
Relationship Status: Smoochin’ Major: Broadcast journalism Favorite Drink: My best friend, Jack. Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Vodka anything. What fictional bar patron do you most want to stop by this joint?: Frank Gallagher What’s the last thing you think before you have to cut someone off?: Is that Tom Connolly sleeping on the bar? This bar’s motto, five words or less: RIDE THE RAIL Give us an original swear word substitute (ex: darn=damn): Foellinger What’s the most bizarre thing you’ve seen in real life?: Poop girl laying outside Lion. If you had to have elephantiasis of something, you’d have elephantiasis of…: MA ASS How are we going to get out of this mess?: DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Gives us cool fun times with cool fun guys.
RECIPE for DISASTER Decked-Out Peanut Butter and Grilled Cheese Alright, time to stop kidding yourself: you’re running low on money. Whether your parents are cutting you off for the third year in a row of abysmal grades or you’ve just been giving up shifts at the dining hall, if there’s one thing that’s for sure, it’s that you’re spending way too much on late-night pizzas and chicken strips. To cope, here’s a quick, easy, and cheap snack that you could honestly make right now within the comfort of your own home … if you’re properly sauced at 2:30 in the morning, of course. What You Need: A toaster or George Foreman Grill (we prefer the latter because the grill lines at least make it seem like we dined out for the night.), 6 slices of bread (3 at the very LEAST. You can stack this sucker up as high as you want, baby.), Peanut butter, Your favorite flavor of jelly, Plastic cheese singles (if you’re fancy enough to be toting around deli-style carvings, then leave us peasants alone.) Cook Time: About 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: If it’s come to this, you can’t really complain about feeling a little queasy. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the George Foreman and place as many slices of bread on the grill as possible. If you have one of those fancy-schmancy industrial-sized
ones that can fit ALL 6 slices on at once, then congratulations: your parents love you more than ours. - Periodically check the toast to see if it’s grilled to your liking, but, you only want to get halfway there. - Remove the toast and begin assembling the first deck of the sandwich by placing a cheese single on a slice, following by another slice, followed by another single, and finished off with another slice. Look at you and your college education! - Begin assembling the second deck of the sandwich by applying the same concepts we learned in chapter 1 (the above step). This time, of course, stick to layers of peanut butter and jelly. - Carefully place the finished sandwich back on the grill. It’ll heat things up fast, so if the scent of burning cheese makes your nose hairs tear up, be attentive. - Remove the sandwich without searing your hand. - Stuff that sucker down before you sober up to visible regret. We know, we know. This is budget cooking to the absolute extreme. But if years of mixing assorted liquors together have taught us anything, it’s that, with practice, mixing assorted foods won’t make you sick all the time.
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PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW TROJKA VODKA RED/YELLOW GRADE: BWRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
Here at The Black Sheep, we can come across as pretty heavy (sadly heavy) drinkers. From tangy rums to punch-you-in-the-gut whiskeys, we’ve certainly had our fair share of tough nights with our livers. But the truth is, we like to pussy out every once in a while. When we came across Trojka Vodka, the bottles were primarily distinguished not by flavor, but by color. If there were ever a drink that made the elementary kid inside of us spaz out in complete ADHD splendor, it was this one. Citrus-y flavors ahoy, Tojka led the staff to one of our tamest nights – and if I remember correctly, I even studied for a bit afterwards. Smells Like: Pretty much every other vodka that has some sort of dye added to it with fruity flavors, except with a little more whimsy since it doesn’t scald your throat. Tastes Like: When you’re at the point of being drunk where you don’t need a mixer, but it’s certainly better than bare-backing it. Typical Drinkers: High school kids about to find out that maybe drinking isn’t all that exciting, students in the mood to study and drink without the scale straying heavily toward the latter, parents that are at least trying to have fun, The Black Sheep staff after a solid week of punishing our livers during spring break.
User Comments: “Oh, god, Trojka … that’s literally all they gave us in Padre.” “It’s like, I don’t need a mixer, but it’s no exactly doing my throat wonders.’” “What the hell does ‘red’ or ‘yellow’ even taste like?” “Alright, thanks for coming tonight, guys. Good work, really.” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “Why you only pourin’ two or three shots (because you’re going to need half the damn bottle at this rate)?” What Your Keg-Stand Champion Father Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “So, this is where my investment in your education is going … never drink this shit again, or we’re cutting you off.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Peaches, a halfeaten bowl of stale popcorn with parmesan cheese, literally anything. You’ll Like This if You Like: Not drinking, but still saying you “kinda sorta” went out last night. We Mixed it With: Coke, 7-UP
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PAGE 18
5 Reasons Why You Haven’t Gotten an Internship Yet KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
Graduation is about five weeks away, and unless your dad is buddy-buddy with some hot shot at an office in Chicago, you’re still looking at a summer of unemployment and digging for spare change in between the couch cushions of your parents’ basement. Even if you’ve applied to places religiously over the past few months, there are still a few reasons why you haven’t received any offers. Hopefully you’ll take the advice and get your life on track by the end of May. Reason #1: Your résumé is typed in Comic Sans When you’re going into advertising or graphic design, you can be a bit more liberal on the design and style of your résumé, but this is pushing it. Not only is it the most hated font of all time, but you’re also using it on one of the most important documents of your life. Imagine a marriage license or birth certificate being printed in this. Doesn’t really send the message of “I’m a serious worker” now does it? Change it to something cool, like Papyrus, instead. Reason #2: You post too many pictures of weed on Instagram You may zoom in and use a lot of VSCOcam filters, but we all know seeds and stems when we see them. Your addiction of posting too many pics of pot online doesn’t tell recruiters you like to “take it easy” and “have a good time.” It shows that you’re a criminal and never going to pass a urine test. And no one’s going to hire you if you remind them of urine. You also probably caption these photos with, “This is why I’ll never get a job #green #420.” And that’s kind of a red flag. Reason #3: You’re applying to senior-level positions because you’re a senior in college We’re not sure if this is your way of reading between the lines or if you’re just an idiot, but these positions don’t apply to you. Yes, you are a senior in school, and yes the word “senior” is in the job title, but if you take a second to read the description, you’ll notice the position requires a masters degree and 10+ years of industry experience. And unfortunately, you can’t make a two-year stint as your house’s social chair stretch out for that entire interview. Reason #4: You’re using the name of the company’s CEO you found on the website as your personal reference Just because I can Google the name of Disney’s CEO, doesn’t mean Mr. Bob Iger and I are old pals. If you’re going to lie about having connections, say you know the office mailman or something like that. It’ll show you’re interested in the company but not an obsessive stalker. Reason #5: Because you got super drunk at that networking event and peed on the HR director Even though there was no way you could pass up all the free pinot noir at the recruiting event last Friday, you probably should have. The night ended with you sobbing hysterically into the arms of some mid-level executive, who you conveniently called by the wrong name the whole night. It was a wreck, even when you ignore the fact that you were passing out Comic Sans résumés. You should probably just accept the fact that any of the companies present want nothing to do with you. The Black Sheep is sure that if you just fix these few little things up, the intern letters and full-time offers will come pouring in. And if not, well then it’s probably because your only work experience is the McDonald’s deep fryer and your GPA is a mind-blowing 2.1. Good luck with that.
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PAGE 19
TIM BECKMAN CONFIDENT ABOUT SPRING GAME AGAINST EASY ILLINOIS OPPONENT UIUC STAFF WROTE THIS
Head football coach Tim Beckman told the media Wednesday that the Illini football team is beaming with confidence going into this week's spring matchup against an infamously dismal Illinois program. “The guys in the locker room are really excited about this weekend's game,” Beckman told ESPN 1000 AM early Tuesday morning. “We've been watching all the tapes on these guys we're up against and I'll tell you what: I haven't seen our guys laughing so hard before a conference game like this in a very, very long time.” Beckman went on to tell the morning radio hosts that if “his Illini team were ever to lose to that pathetic Illinois squad, [he] would quit coaching and go into real estate” or “work at a bank in
Florida or something.” The coach then laughed for two-minutes and 43 seconds straight before yelling out, “I'd love to meet the goon who coaches those idiots!”
ered and high-fived offensive coordinator Bill Cubit before slapping a microphone from a reporter's hand, raising his arms in the air and walking away.
Former starting quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase tweeted earlier in the week that he was excited to return to Memorial Stadium to witness the massive beatdown. “Cant wait 4 the circus 2 come 2 town!! #niceteamillinois #ifyoucallthatateam #lol,” Scheelhaase sent out via Twitter.
“Do you really want to know how bad this Illinois team is that we're up against?” Beckman reportedly asked his players during practice this week. “They only scored three points on their own homecoming. THEIR OWN HOMECOMING GAME.” Reports stated that four Illini players were later stretchered off the practice field after laughing so hard that they began to cramp up.
The Illini have treated this week as an off week, according to Coach Beckman, who told reporters that he had players “working out” all week long. “Yeah, our guys have been stretching out all week in order to get ready for the game on Saturday... stretching out on the COUCH that is!” Beckman snick-
“Eh, who cares! We don't need anyone healthy to beat this team anyways,” Beckman yelled out through his high-pitched laughter. “Our boys could still probably drop another 42 points on their homecoming day while hogtied
to a pack of stretchers!” When one reporter pointed out that Illinois has only won a single conference game in the past two seasons, Beckman exploded into an uncontainable fit of laughter. “My god, what kind of idiot did that school hire to coach their boys?” Beckman said. “I mean, one game? Just one? Don't they have Indiana and Purdue in their conference?” Beckman then called Cubit back up to the podium in front of the media to share their offensive playbook for this weekend's game against Illinois. “Go ahead, show 'em!” Beckman laughed. “Wait 'til you see this!” Cubit then opened up his notebook which had the words, “WHO GIVES A FUCK” written across the pages in red crayon.
“We sat down at our weekly coaches meeting after watching the tapes on Illinois and couldn't even make it through one play without cracking up,” Cubit said. “To think anyone would even spend time making an offensive plan heading into a game against those idiots is literally the funniest thing I've ever
thought of.” When asked what he thought the score would be of this weekend's spring game against Illinois, Beckman said: “1,000 to zero by halftime. It's not against the rules for us to score 1,000 points, is it? I'm sure they've been beaten worse anyways.”
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THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:
THE ORWELLS BRENDAN BONHAM WROTE THIS
E, G U H ET G ’T N O D LS EL W R O E IF TH T. A H L A IC R O H P A ET M R U O T EA LL E’ W U.S . TIME OF DAY ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING THE US E GIV TO G LIN WIL S WA MO FRONTMAN MARIO CUO E. OUT, AND A LEGENDARY TV APPEARANC TOUR, HIS INSPIRATIONS , DROPPING
TBS: You guys are from Elmhurst, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. How did growing up in that environment influence your music? Cuomo: There really wasn’t shit to do besides play football or skate a bunch. Other than that, there wasn’t jack shit to do, so we just started having a fucking band practice every Friday for a few years.
TBS: Letterman loved the performance. What is it like to connect with someone musically, someone who is in their late 60s or early 70s? Cuomo: It’s really cool. It’s nice to know anyone can enjoy our music—it doesn’t have to be some fuckin’ teenager or guy in his early 20s. It can be anyone. It’s a lot cooler than bands who only reach a certain demographic.
TBS: When did you know you could actually do this? Cuomo: Probably, like, my senior year of high school.
TBS: You’re playing Chicago on your American leg of the tour. Does coming home mean anything special to you? Cuomo: It’s just another show.
TBS: Did it ever cross your mind to do college or anything? Cuomo: I wanted to do the band thing so much that I dropped out of high school so I could eliminate the chance of going to college. TBS: It’s you, your cousin and a pair of brothers in The Orwells. Do you think this family angle changes how you guys interact with one another from a band perspective? Cuomo: I don’t think it makes a difference. We’re close in different ways, but it’d be the same if we weren’t related. TBS: How does the creative process work? Cuomo: Our guitarist will come up with a fucking sweet riff or a demo or something. Then he’ll show it to all of us. We’ll play it through a couple of times. If it sounds good enough I’ll write lyrics for it right there. TBS: Is your lyrically dark imagery something you’re going for? Cuomo: Some of that stuff was written at a time when I wasn’t really having it—I didn’t know if the fucking band thing would work out or if I was fucked and I’d have to go get a shitty job because I don’t have qualifications for anything. I didn’t know if I was going to be kicked out and shit. I wasn’t in the best mood, in general. But, I like dark shit. TBS: Your live shows are legendary. How do you get ready for something like that? Cuomo: I have a couple of drinks. TBS: How do you know if you’re having a good live show? Cuomo: I go apeshit every time. If I go apeshit every time my head hurts and I’m sweaty as a motherfucker. I’m really exhausted. That’s how I know I did my part—if I’m fucking beat after. TBS: Your Late Show with David Letterman performance was out of control. Is that pretty indicative of what a live show is like? Cuomo: That could very well be exactly what you see during a set at a venue.
TBS: What about Lollapalooza in 2013? Cuomo: That was a milestone thing. It was a real big deal to us. TBS: How did you react to finding out you want to play Lolla? Cuomo: It was pretty sweet, but a little different. We got a booking agent and the first question he asked us was, “Do you want to play Lollapalooza.” The next year we were. It was so cool. I was looking forward to it the whole year, and it kept me super-positive. If something shitty happened, it’s just, “We’re playing Lollapalooza.” TBS: What else do you look at as career milestones? Cuomo: Opening for The Black Lips on New Year’s a year ago.
TBS: Are they a big influence on you guys? Cuomo: Yeah, huge. TBS: Do you take anything away from someone like that when you watch them play live? Cuomo: Um, it’s an honor, but it’s one of the first bands we saw in Logan Square Auditorium. It was the craziest fucking thing. Until then I thought it was the cool thing to—like, bands who look like they don’t give a shit, they play their set without moving too much—I saw The Black Lips and they were using their guitars as baseball bats to hit beers into the crowd. It was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I thought, “I’d rather be like these dudes.” TBS: Who else inspires you? Cuomo: In high school probably the biggest influence to me was Tyler the Creator. TBS: Really? Cuomo: Yeah, I listened to them all of the time—I was like, “Fuck school, I wanna tour and have crazy-ass shows like these guys.” When I saw Odd Future they had one of those shows where they were just going off, it was one of those badass shows. He just owns shit, and I was like, “I want to be like that.” I look up to him so much. He’s proof. If he did it, then it’s doable. TBS: What does it mean to you to be successful? Cuomo: When a bunch of people love you and a bunch of people hate the shit out of you.
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UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS FRESHMAN CAUGHT MASTURBATING TO DAILY ILLINI'S MOMS WEEKEND GUIDE UIUC STAFF WROTE THIS
Campus police responded to a call at 2:15 pm this afternoon when freshman James Bonham reportedly dropped his pants and began furiously masturbating on the leather-bound couches in the Illini Union. According to James, "All the international students were busy either napping or playing the piano, and it was during class time. I saw the guide stuck between the couch cushions... and something about the way the two leathery couch cushions came together, the older, sexy woman pushing her leathery tits together... I don't know, I couldn't help myself!" Police arrived on the scene to find Bonham unceremoniously thrusting his genitals between the leather cushions of the couch, his jeans pushed down to his ankles. "Also, something about 'Mom', 'Mother' and 'Sisterhood' being inked all around that half naked old lady. Really got my blood boiling... I haven't gotten laid since I got here, OK! COLLEGE IS FULL OF FALSE PROMISES!" The Black Sheep will have more on this story as it develops. Until then, be sure that our Mom's Weekend issue will have double, if not triple the amount of leathery old boobs canvassing the cover.
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