The Black Sheep
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Vol. 24, Issue 11
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
S FRE ER CENT O E... LI LEA K V I N N YO U E T H E G A R CL DAN OTH K H ES EAD SHO P.
4/9/14 - 4/16/14
ALMA MATER RETURNS, ONLY MILDLY BETTER THAN BEFORE BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS For generations, the Alma Mater stood proudly on U of I’s campus as a symbol of some chick holding her arms out with two dudes behind her. It has been the subject of many of the university’s few longstanding, non-racist traditions. But some believed the Alma Mater, after almost a century of braving the elements and slowly corroding, was in need of a little tidying up. And since its return, the reaction to the restored Alma Mater has been a resounding, “It’s alright...” “Yeah, I guess it looks better now,” said one recent UIUC graduate, who didn't get the chance to have the Alma Mater in her graduation photo. “I mean, I didn’t really see anything wrong with how it was, and it sucks that it took two years to repair, but you know, whatever.” “I like what they did to the Alma Mater,” commented another student. “I missed seeing it, of course, and it took a year longer to fix than they said it would, but I like what they’ve done with it. It looks a little cleaner, I guess.” Countless freshmen and sophomores at U of I had never even seen the Alma Mater before its return on Wednesday. “What is this new statue they’ve put up by Panda Express?” asked one freshman. “Is that the thing that’s on our i-cards? I don’t understand. Is it supposed to be like the weeping angels in Doctor Who or something?” Upperclassmen have noted a slight improvement in the Alma Mater’s appearance since it was last seen; however, many say that they will miss the statue not being there. They will miss posing with their friends on its empty granite base as the Alma Mater statue. “That was such a fun tradition we had for almost two years — to pretend to be the Alma Mater as we waited for it to come back,” stated one senior, who will actually get to have the Alma Mater in the backdrop of his graduation photo this spring. “I already miss the empty space that the statue has taken up.” “Think about all the cool snowmen that people made on that space before!” commented a worried sophomore who contributed to one of the more creative faux-Alma snow sculptures during last year’s Snowpacalypse. “I was totally planning on making a huge dick on the base for next winter. Like, with the shaft realistically sloping off the podium
and everything. Now I have to settle for rolling two huge snow balls on each side of the South Quad bell tower again…” But happiest of all for the Alma Mater’s comeback is the Alma Mater herself. “Obviously I’m thrilled to be back,” said the refurbished statue. “Sure, having squirrels and people climb on me along with drunk couples sloppily having sex against my inscription grew tiresome at times, but
PAGE 5 OPINION: ON BEHALF OF ALL US HOTTIES, PLEASE STOP STARING
PAGE 9 TOP 10: BARS TO BRAWL AT HERE AT U OF I
YES, WE SEE YOU STARING AT US THROUGH THE HOLE YOU CUT IN YOUR SANDWICH
IF YOU'RE GOING TO START A FIGHT, YOU BETTER SCOUT THE FEATURES OF EACH BAR
it all beats being stuck at some statue restorer’s place. Seriously, those people are about as fun as they sound.” All in all, the Alma Mater’s repair was the statue equivalent of a big-budget Hollywood sequel: It cost a lot, the wait was too long and it wasn’t really necessary in the first place. “Students loved the Alma Mater just as it was before the restoration — with all its cracks and surface corrosion and water penetration,” said one student. “They didn’t need somebody to take it away for two years and repair it, but now that it’s fixed and improved, it looks okay, I suppose.”
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PAGES 20-21 WE INTERVIEW: THE ORWELLS IF THESE YOUNG SUBURBAN BOYS DON’T BECOME FAMOUS, WE’LL EAT OUR METAPHORICAL HAT