This is how we feel
Greek guys not as bad as originally thought
And you're just going to have to deal with it.
At least sometimes they'll call you back, DO YOU HEAR ME GARRETT?
opinions, pg5
MOre opinions, pg20
All Week Long November 6, 2013 November 13, 2013
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We Did It. Racism Is Over. Nicky Whitefield Has Black Friend Sometimes we all deserve a little pat on the back, especially when it comes to the way we beat racism with ease. Though it’s definitely not the easiest thing to do, it’s important to step back every now and then and look at our accomplishments with pride. Whether it’s something small like saving up enough birthday money to finally vacation in France for the summer or maybe something bigger like getting into the same med school both of your parents went to, studies show that it’s actually good for our mental health to recognize our hard work when we’ve done something well. That’s why, when I look around at the world today, I’m disappointed that we’re not in a state of constant applause. As a nation, there’s so much that Americans should be really proud of. I think it’s time that we take ownership in some of those victories and celebrate how far we have come with racial equality. There’s never been a better time than during the second term of the country’s first all-black president, Barack Obama, than for all of us—white, black, brown, red, Hispanic and even yellow—to stand up and say, “We did it!” Because after years and years of fighting, we’ve finally won the battle against racism. All it takes is to look around and see how beautiful and diverse our world is to know that racism is in its grave. Every day, you see people in successful, interracial relationships, - like Eddie Murphy and his white girlfriend. You see a skinny white girl sandwiched between a black homeless person and a black marijuana drug dealer, all sitting peaceably toward the front of the bus. You see people of different skin colors hanging out together and studying for that impossible biology midterm exam and realize that you’re actually pretty happy that affirmative action helped them all get into your school in the first place. You see famous people like Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Kanye West, Beyonce and Morgan Freeman teaching young minorities that if they work hard enough and set their minds to it, they can work their way out of the inner-city ghetto and up to the very top of their wildest dreams. We should be cheering, but instead, we often don’t acknowledge how many barriers we have overcome. Even rap music is becoming more and more popular, which just shows how excited different races are to share and experience other
cultures. I personally love rap music and can really relate to a lot of the themes and lyrics. One of my sorority sisters is a quarter Asian, and she loves Taylor Swift. With the end of racism, the gates of culture are open for everyone—regardless of skin color—to enjoy. The UIUC campus is a great example of how awesome diversity is and how racist thinking is something of the past. If you happen to go to PAR/FAR for dinner, you’ll see lots of black people as well as international (Asian) students hanging around. As a campus, we’re very lucky to have such a diverse pool of students. We don’t just come from Chicago and its suburbs, but also from downstate cities like Peoria or East St. Louis. Together, this mixture of the familiar and the ethnically exciting helps us all grow and develop as one. I, myself, have several black friends. I even lived down the hall from
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one my freshman year. She was always so nice and funny, and she always knew to make me feel comfortable around her. I’m thankful for the experience, because during job interviews I can now talk about my new ability to communicate with different cultures and skin tones. Racism is solved every day right here on campus. Thanks to collaboration, compromise and some good ol’ fashioned elbow grease, even some really complicated battles—like whether or not to keep Chief Illiniwek as a campus symbol and mascot—have been worked out. It just goes to show that through compromise, everyone wins. Starting tomorrow, I ask that all University of Illinois students wake up and forget that racism ever existed, because you know what? It’s over. We did it, guys. Racism is over.
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The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG3
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PG4 The Weekly Illini November 2013
Opinions
You can't spell ‘racism' without ‘rush' xXxPhAlLiCxOpPrEsSiOnxXx Senior Staff Privilege Checker First off, I'd like to take this time to apologize and reassure our readers that not everyone on the writing staff here at The Weekly Illini legitimately believes that racism is solved. The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views held by Illini Media, but the unfortunate reality here is that many of our Pulitzer-aspiring journalists are subjected to racism on a daily basis thanks to the Greek system. After taking two minority literature courses last semester, I can confirm that racism is still, indeed, a thing. After reading the Sparknotes of Richard Wright's Native Son, it became obvious to me racism, contrary to popular belief, is actually a big, big problem. I, too, thought I had solved racism last summer along with my other privileged Tumblr affiliates by spamming numerous online forums with the words "Check your privilege" and speaking on behalf of entire minority groups. Because, let's face it — what other voice do those poor, lost souls have? After once helping a Hispanic lady walk her groceries to her car, I thought I had cured racism once and for all. But when I arrived back to campus, I noticed a new breed of racism brewing right under our university's race-blind nose; a form of racial intolerance no longer secluded to sole minority groups, all thanks to what some Racism PhDs refer to as the "Grecian Hate-Pillar." Racism still exists because of the Greek hierarchical social structures perpetuated by rush, a system that supports ludicrous ideas such as boasting racial supremacy and shunning inferiors based off appearance. Think about it: If racism is no more, then why do fraternities judge their prospective rushees based on their appearance, in other words, their skin color? On an even more appalling level, if racial equality exists, then why are there Jewish, Hispanic and African American frats in the first place? I don't remember choosing to be white, just like I didn't choose to get rejected from Northwestern. Growing up in a south suburb of Chicago (of Chicago), I never once encountered such bigoted hatred. It has even been historically proven that racially profiling people based upon their race or religion has never been a good thing. According to Wikipedia, a former fascist dictator of Germany named "Adolf Hitler" was what we would today call a “modern day racist.” Relatively mean-spirited, this "Hitler" guy wasn't too fair to people he saw as inferior to him (ring a bell, Frat Row?), and that ended up leading to what was referred to as "World War II." That's where we're headed with these insanely intolerant frats: World War III.
I decided to take my research further and did some investigative journalism — that's what the big boys at CNN call "field work" — and I found my hypotheses regarding the amounts of racism dripping from the fangs of a single fraternity entirely legitimate and frighteningly accurate. From the entrance alone, I could see upperclassmen stoically glaring down at the young potential rushes, much like the "SS Guards" that my research had informed me of. The horrors before me were almost too much for my open-minded eyes to handle. With the strength of the "Third Reich," I watched as freshman boys pulled out their phones, sweated profusely and nervously tried to keep conversations from dying faster than my faith in humanity's natural tolerance levels. And just like that, the brothers would close their social circles and racially exclude their rejected brethren, saying phrases like "Yeah, man, I don't know about Kyle. He's kind of weird" and "Definitely 'no' on David. He's super annoying."
I, too, thought I had solved racism last summer along with my other privileged Tumblr affiliates by spamming numerous online forums with the words "Check your privilege" and speaking on behalf of entire minority groups. Because, let's face it — what other voice do those poor, lost souls have? Not long after, I found myself being judged by my appearance as well, once one of the brothers discovered the trash can I was hiding in. "Oh, great," he said, "Another fucking WI poser." "Poser." That word shot through me. Now fully comprehending the oppression of discrimination, I felt the red hot intensity of a thousand Civil Rights Movements. But you know what? Being racially profiled by the Greek system and coming to terms with my racial inferiority has caused me to focus on the things in life that truly matter, like contributing to the world of crack journalism by writing op-eds about our school's symbiotic relationship to squirrels. And they said journalism is dead. Ha! It's clear that rampant Greek superiority complexes aren't impeding racism anytime soon, so for the sake of sympathizing with the bigoted, fratty Neanderthals, I hope they at least serve beer on Frat Row.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG5
Okay sorry, greek guys aren’t that bad Olivia Goulde Jersey Chaser, Twitter Celebrity The Weekly Illini would like to apologize for xXxPhAlLiCxOpPrEsSiOnxXx’s piece about Greek males and the similarities between them and Hitler’s Third Reich. We apologize for this comparison and its complete lack of respect for the Jewish community and those affected by World War II and the Holocaust. In my opinion, Greek members are misunderstood on this campus and are known for having a bad reputation of partying and being an overall nuisance. However, the general student population has completely misjudged them. Members of the fraternity community participate in philanthropy for good causes, buy women drinks at bars, compliment their outfits, and even walk said women home at night to protect them from dangers lurking in the shadows along the way. They’re modern-day knights in shining armor, and it makes me think how I wouldn’t mind marrying one of these men someday. There are a lot of worse people out there that we can blame the problems of humanity on instead. There are people who truly are racists, or liars and cheaters, or criminals and felons—politicians or student athletes, for example. All they do is take and take from the people that depend on or look up to them. They spend all day focusing on their careers and their precious physique and their low-calorie diets that it makes the rest of us feel like overweight and awkward fools. Everything
simply falls into their laps without them even having to lift a finger. For instance, the majority of athletes here at the University of Illinois are communication majors, which is inarguably the easiest program of study on campus. They study the science behind talking, something that people everywhere have been doing since they were born. Not only do these athletes have the advantage of prior knowledge in this type of academia, but they’re not required to foot the bill for tuition. But us English majors or mechanical engineers—who will go on to do much greater, impactful things in our lives—will graduate with debt while Johnny Football leaves the CU scot free. Heck, they’re probably making money behind the scenes from boosters, and they couldn’t even beat Penn State! And their personalities aren’t the greatest either. Believe me, I’m speaking from experience. Last Friday, I met a guy on the wrestling team at Firehaus, and I felt like we got along so well! I pretended to be interested in his explanation of his communication concentration while trying to subtly hint that I was on track to be the next head opinion writer for The Weekly Illini. We ended the night by exchanging phone numbers, and guess what? HE STILL HASN’T CALLED ME BACK. Like seriously? Am I ugly or something? Am I needy? Crazy? NO! None of my other boyfriends have ever thought that! I don’t understand why he can’t just pick up the phone and CALL ME BACK. YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU GARRETT! TEXT ME IF YOU WANT. I DON’T CARE! AND WHY HAVEN’T YOU ACCEPTED MY FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST?
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PG6 The Weekly Illini November 2013
More Opinions
How are we supposed to get work done? Cassie O’Callaghan Opinion Columnist
First of all, we would like to say that, on behalf of the entire staff here at The Weekly Illini, we love when our readers send in comments, complaints, suggestions and compliments. Lately, we have been receiving many of these, which have made mornings at the office full of enlightened discussion and debate about what we can do to better serve our readers. Because of this, we would like to kindly ask all of you to knock it off. A previous editorial we published expressed the sentiment of one writer that University of Illinois athletes are, in essence, brainless meatheads who are lacking personality and student tuition debt. Please keep in mind that the opinion pieces we publish in no way reflect the thoughts of The Weekly Illini as a whole, just the person writing them. Even though our university does not have any stand-out athletic programs this year, we are in no position to insult any of our campus athletes. They’re great, really. We truly think so. So please leave us alone about it already. To be honest, it’s very difficult to get anything done with these emails flying in every minute arguing why student athletes are actually very intelligent and hard working. Do you think we have enough manpower to respond to 50 tweets per day about how rude or incompetent we are? Because we don’t. Sending out retraction statements and apology emails accomplishes nothing but allowing our coffee to get cold and our biscotti to get staler than it traditionally is. We kindly ask that you stop pretending our paper is a public forum. This is OUR PAPER. OUR NEWS. NOT YOURS. We don’t get paid to listen to your claptrap. We get paid to produce content, regardless of your opinions on the matter. Just let us do what we were hired to do.
We would like to kindly ask all of you to knock it off.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG7
Your opinions are nice and all, but we just want money Carlos Danger Opinion Columnist Those of us at The Weekly Illini would like to apologize for some of the harsh sentiments expressed in our last article published by Ms. O’Callaghan. We value any and all feedback from our readers— feedback which, although riddled with typos and never failing to fill up our email inboxes on a weekly basis, is nevertheless helpful for the creative process. We view these so-called “complaint emails” as constructive criticism. That is why we sincerely regret publishing such a negative article about our more “concerned” readers, especially when the piece referred to our readers shutting their “claptraps” and leaving us alone. Yes, The Weekly Illini cares about you, your thoughts and—most importantly—your unwavering support. We care about all those things,
but your loyalty and dedication are what truly take the cake. We greatly appreciate each and every one of you who pick up a copy of the paper or read an article online, and now we’re asking that you’ll show our appreciation for us by donating to a good cause. If you are unaware, Illini Media has fallen on some hard times and is currently suffering from what seems like an infinite amount of debt, and we’re hoping you can fill the void with a small monetary donation. That’s what we truly want: Dough. Moolah. Mint. Buckaroos. We’re looking to make some bank to pay off our services, and we’re not just out for loose change. We want to see some Benjamins coming our way, because we deserve it. And so we turn to you, our faithful readers (whose opinions we care so deeply about), for financial support. To be frank, The Weekly Illini deserves your money more than you do. After all, do you work tirelessly to provide news covering all the happenings in the University of Illinois? Do you print and distribute untold quantities of newspapers on a weekly basis, at no direct expense to readers? No. You don’t. You do nothing nearly as productive. You waste your cash on beer and textbooks. You don’t deserve to have money. We, the future news men and women of America do. You may be wondering, “But why would The Weekly Illini need to ask its readers for money? I thought it was funded by sponsors and the University of Illinois.” I’m sad to say that that’s a bunch of malarkey. The Weekly Illini is a newspaper founded on the principle
of journalistic integrity, and we would never compromise our values in exchange for corporate sponsorship (come and see Kenny Rogers at the State Farm Center on December 22! Tickets are on sale now!). We certainly would never take money from the school, either. That would imply thousands of students who don’t even read The Weekly Illini would have to pay for it through tuition. So that’s why we deserve your money. We’ll be honest with you: We need the money badly. The Weekly Illini has been struggling to make ends meet for years, and now that Roger Ebert has kicked the bucket, we’re in dire need of rich people who can tend to our financial needs. I mean, we make newspapers. How could that be truly economical in the long run? You can see, now, why we want your money so much. And if you don’t give it to us, we’ll continue to ask by spamming your email inboxes, just as you did to ours with those complaint emails. Remember, email works both ways. There are countless times when a student will pick up a copy of The Weekly Illini whilst waiting for something else, and she’ll find herself almost glad that she did. Yet, this student newspaper doesn’t come from just anywhere. Our paper comes from much time and effort by a team of selfless individuals, and those individuals deserve to be compensated for their selflessness. So give your money to The Weekly Illini and forever be granted the intelligence and hard-hitting journalism that is our newspaper.
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The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG8
Office updates reflect our professionalism Dan D. Lion Diffuser of Controversial Issues Specialist, Columnist We would like to apologize if our plea for money came across as too forward. A lot of good came from our misunderstood pleas, though. For one, our debt is settled. That’s more than any other college student can say. We took the rest of the money and turned The Weekly Illini into the most efficient, high-functioning, professional newspaper the collegiate world has ever seen, and we would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts (and pockets) for this opportunity. In this article, we would like to take a break from our ground-breaking editorials and explain how your money enhanced our professionalism. Think of it as a subsection of our annual salary guide featuring yours truly, The Weekly Illini. First off, we finally hired a lawyer! Professional newspapers have legal teams for whenever articles get sketchy and as we strive to publish the most relevant and pressing content, it’s time we had one too. Our lawyer was hired two weeks ago and explained something very valuable to our newsroom: Being a good journalist is about making stories better, correcting one error at a time. It’s a slow process to train credible and ethical journalists. We are happy to report that in the past week he’s only had to settle five lawsuits for us. The rest of our new additions are a bit more exciting. As students are well aware, this year we con-
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solidated our offices to the third floor of the Illini Media building on Green Street. We have chosen not to re-expand our staff fully, as the consolidation made the building seem cozier. With that said, all of our positions are now paid on staff, from the lowliest art student who is a self-proclaimed “photographer” to the well-endowed intellectuals of the opinions staff. We even expanded employment opportunities to hire College of Media freshmen to rub our feet as we write.* Journalists are supposed to think on their feet, you know. We think by putting our feet on people; we're literally getting a step up on the competition. We have masseuses stationed in the bathrooms now, as well. Yes, bathroom breaks are longer and more frequent, but that’s a perk we’re willing to take, and we coincidentally get our best thinking done within the stalls. Additionally, we hired local Office Depot employees to come in and professionally adjust the lumbar support in our chairs and sharpen our pencils at a moment’s notice. We need to have what the elite have if we expect to run alongside The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal. Our amenities are nothing compared to theirs. To relieve stress in more unconventional ways, we have installed an oxygen bar next to the bathroom (complete with peach and waffle flavors). Next to that is a complimentary Starbucks Frappuccino machine. Working for a daily newspaper involves a lot of late night deadlines. We crumple papers, throw them at the trashcan and miss. It’s stressful. We need coffee and fresh air to get through those times, and the walk across the street to Starbucks became too much for us. As journalists in training, we need to be in the newsroom. Plus, we would like to spend more time in the bathrooms emptying our bladders and getting massages. Wouldn’t you? We’re also opening an Espresso Royale on the second floor, an idea modeled after the Business Instructional Facility. To promote exercise, it was placed on the floor below us for those who want more activity than just walking between the Frappuccino machine and a desk. Remaining active keeps our broadcast journalists attractive in our web videos. There’s only so much hairspray we can buy to look pretty on the camera, but there’s tons of hairspray we can use to glue our feet to our new ellipticals in order to keep our butts tight. The other half of the second floor has been converted into a photography studio. All of the walls on that half of the floor were replaced by light bulbs to have more vivid mug shots to accompany our articles. Our articles come out at about 800 words, but a picture says a thousand words. We want as many words as possible to be readily available to the public. And a roundup of our other purchases: new printers, new computers, new light bulbs, a 3D printer, tissues, white out, stereo system, fake blood to make our papers bleed from edits, tablets for all our broadcast journalists to hold during broadcasts, three record players for WPGU, a luxury apartment for our editorin-chief and a slushy machine for writers who prefer a sugar high to a caffeinated one. Finally, we painted the walls a festive, autumn red because, well, we could. We are working every day with every donated dollar to create a better paper for you. So please, continue sending in everything you can. *Our lawyer would like us to note that we do not condone hazing in any way, shape, or form.
PG9 The Weekly Illini November 2013
Opinions Continued
Sorry if that last article made us seem spoiled. We’re really not! Milo Croyd Lifestyle Editor, Hip-Hop Columnist
Upon the publication of our article detailing our new offices at The Weekly Illini, we received dozens of emails accusing us of being spoiled. Although we here at The Weekly Illini do not feel complimentary Starbucks and heated desk chairs are too much to ask for, we do understand some of your complaints about better places for our money to go, and we apologize if we seemed to be rubbing our new amenities in the student body’s face. You have to understand that reading and fact-checking every single one of our articles would be a monumentally tedious task for our editors without all of these new additions. It’s just a fact of life that every once in a while an article will go out that doesn’t necessarily reflect our collective views. This is one of those cases, and we whole-heartedly apologize if you were offended by what could be perceived as spoiled behavior. Among the hundreds of replies we received about this article, several of them brought up the point that “Not everyone had their tuition paid for by parents,” and that “some people need to take out loans to pay for college.” Excuse me, what? Are you kidding me? When I read those complaints, I was confused about whether I lived in America or if I was lost in Canada somewhere. What kind of family can’t afford to send their children to college? I don’t know about you guys, but my parents really cared about
my education, so they let go of their pride and threw me a bit of cash to go U of I. It’s just selfish to keep that extra money to yourself. Do they not want to see their children succeed? And what kind of irresponsible person would take out loans to go to college? How selfish can you be? If you didn’t have enough money to pay for a loaf of bread, would you just steal it? I don’t think so. All you are doing is putting a drain on our economy and bringing down the quality of life of us normal kids who have parents competent enough to pay for their education. It isn’t our fault that you were born in a trailer park. What you people need to realize is that there are many adequate community colleges which would be happy to educate you for far less money. They teach the same stuff there as they do here, so why not just take a bus to Parkland and call it a day? I’m not saying I’m the King of France or anything. I’ve had some financial troubles of my own. Last summer, when everybody else on planet Earth went to Lollapalooza, I stayed home. You know why? Because I had already paid for Bonnaroo and couldn’t afford both. And I’m not fed with a silver spoon, either. My parents didn’t even pay for me to live at Bromley my freshman year. I lived at Illini Tower with all of the regular folk. My parents are even forcing me to pay for my own utilities for my apartment at 309 Green, so don’t come complaining to me that I’ve been dealt a good hand in life.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG10
Have to pay for college? How to get by on the cheap Louis Stevens Opinion Columnist We would like to take this time to once again apologize for our last opinion piece. To be fair, there are people out there who don’t get the same love and support from their parents as most of us do. But no need to fret, because we’re all in this together. While reading the complaints, we do have to admit that we owe an apology as well as some tips to help out those students who are more broke than others. After all, there clearly are students out there who need to know how to spend their hard-earned money wisely. Before I get started, I would like to ask a few questions to those who are struggling financially here at school. First off, have you ever tried getting a job? It would help out not only our economy but also our community here on campus to have freeloaders getting off their couches and out into the real world! If you want something, then you have to earn it. That’s love and affection the good old-fashioned way. That’s just flat-out normal. Or maybe try and talk to your parents and ask them if they really love you or not? In the meantime, I felt the need to get a list going on how to survive college if you’re not in the best financial position.
- Get a job at your local Wendy’s or Taco Bell. They mostly have very low standards for their current employees and will be willing to hire anyone as long as you can speak English and have reliable transportation to work—which will be your feet because your stupid poor mom had to take back the family Altima so she could drive to her third-shift job at the poop factory, or whatever. - There are special nights all over campus where different RSOs or organizations give out free pizza. Gather all of your poor friends together and have a fun night out with a slice of pepperoni. For free! - Don’t have cash for books? Just settle for being that friend who texts everyone in class the night before the exam to ask for study help. Every circle of friends needs one of these guys to keep the semester interesting. - Catch all the Illinois football games in the comfort of your own home all by yourself so you’re not spending money on tickets or block. Make sure you stock up on those Papa John’s coupons they gave out during Quad Day to make your afternoon even better. - Bring a bag to your designated cafeteria and fill it with plates, utensils, old baked potatoes and dusty, stale cereal for late nights in your lonely dorm room (because we can confidently say you’re not living in a nice apartment). - Ever hear of Drew’s Pizza’s new promotional deal? Show off your body and use it for more ways than you could possibly imagine. There’s little harm in that. - Steal from one of the rich kids. Their parents are important enough that the police will have to act on it, and everything in jail is free, from the room and board, to the free showers, to the free food. Of course, take all of these recommendations with a grain of salt, because from the look of it, that’s all you have to eat these days.
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$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands! $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine, $2 Wells featuring Svedka Vodka, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 11/13
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
EOTO (featuring Jason and Michael from String Cheese Incident) with KYRAL x BANKO
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
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SUNDAY: Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs Bears vs. Lions at Noon!
WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Risque Thursday $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Build Your Own Bucket! 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
SPECIAL NIGHT
Special Pint Glass Saturday! ILLINI vs INDIANA 2:30pm Watch all the Games Here $5 Jack Daniels Pint Glass $4 Jack Refills
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
SATURDAY! PANGAEA PRESENTS: BELLY BOO Breast Cancer Fundraiser, 7pm, $7 w/ student ID
Wednesday 11/6
Sports Doubleheader! Blackhawks vs Jets 7pm, Bulls vs Pacers 7pm $1 SHOTS, Bud Mug Night $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Thursday 11/7
$5 WRAPS from 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS featuring UV Vodka Huge College Football Games! #10 Oklahoma vs #6 Baylor 6:30pm #3 Oregon vs #5 Stanford 8pm HALF PRICE WHISKEY!
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Friday 11/8
ILLINI Season Opener! Bulls vs Jazz 7pm, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Three Olives Vodka, $3 Vegas Bombs $3.99 Haus Fries
Saturday 11/9
Special Pint Glass Saturday! ILLINI vs INDIANA 2:30pm Watch all the Games Here #1 Alabama vs #11 LSU 7pm $5 Jack Daniels Pint Glass $4 Jack Refills
Come Watch the Illini!
Sunday 11/10
BEARS vs LIONS - NOON Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel! See Every Score Live $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Every Liquor-Every Beer...$2!
NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Monday 11/11
Bulls vs Cavs 7pm POP CULTURE TEAM TRIVIA Compete to Win Weekly Prizes! $2 LONG ISLANDS HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-10pm (excludes wings)
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
Halloween Basement Party at 10:30 with the Smirnoff girls
WASTED POTENTIAL PRESENTS: HUEY MACK, 8pm
DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
PANGAEA PRESENTS: BELLY BOO Breast Cancer Fundraiser, 7pm, $7 w/ student ID De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
Tuesday 11/12
HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm $2 WELLS
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Wednesday 11/13
ILLINI vs VALPO 6:30pm Watch the Game Here! Get the Firehaus Gameday Mug! $1 SHOTS $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
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KAM'S $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $2.50 Bud Light, $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 11/7
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
Friday 11/8
Klub Kam’s w/ Live DJ
Mustache Night!
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
Absolut Friday featuring Delicato 10pm Illini Basketball vs Alabama St 7pm “Free Shuttle to Game”, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $3 Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Absolut Girls 11p-1a
BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
Guinness Gravity Glass
Illini Game Watch ILL at Ind 2:30pm, Open 8am, “Block I Bus Trip” $2 Bud Lt Cans & 22oz Drafts $4 Uv Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Stag, $3 Jager Shots & Bombs
Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs
$2.25 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pints $2.50 Bacardi Bombs $5 Jameson Doubles
REVERSE BLOCK PARTY $1 Bud Light Drafts Illini vs Indiana 2:30pm
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Open 3pm Illini Basketball vs Jacksonville St at 5pm, “Free Shuttle to Game” $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
Monday Night Football! Open 7pm! $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - COORS GIRLS 10p-12p - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: Sierra Nevada $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 11/13
Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Tuesday 11/12
Logo Mug Night: Guinness Gravity Glass $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Platinum Party Win Bulls Tickets - Bud Girls $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
Monday 11/11
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
Sunday 11/10
SATURDAY! REVERSE BLOCK PARTY $1 Bud Light Drafts Illini vs Indiana 2:30pm
Saturday 11/9
FRIDAY! Guinness Gravity Glass Engraving @ 7:30 - 9:30 Great Drink Specials
Wed. 11/6
THURSDAY: Mustache Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY! Absolut Friday featuring Delicato 10pm Illini Basketball vs Alabama St at 7pm, Great Drink Specials!
$5 Kam Islands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $3 Captain, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, Great Dance Music!
St Judes Fundraiser open 4pm
Win Bulls Tickets! Illini Basketball vs Valpo 6:30pm, “Free Shuttle to Game” $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Blue Drinks, $3 Jim Beam
Engraving @ 7:30 - 9:30 $7.50 Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud, Bud Lt & Rolling Rock Pitchers $4.00 Jager Bombs
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PG16 The Weekly Illini November 2013
Saving money is good, but don’t be a slut J. gould Montpilier Senior Slut Shamer In a previous opinions piece, The Weekly Illini gave readers advice on saving money for students who were unfortunate enough to have parents too destitute to pay for college. We’ve heard a lot of feedback— some positive, some negative — that we feel like we need to address. Specifically, the Editorial Board of The Weekly Illini mentioned a new promotional deal that Drew’s Pizza, a pillar of the local community, recently put on, a promotion that saw young Illini women exposing their breasts for free pizza. We would like to apologize for endorsing such an extreme idea. Please understand that The Weekly Illini does not recommend campus females show their private parts to restaurant workers for a free pizza normally valued at $5. When making mention of this promotion in the aforementioned editorial, we thought it was clear to any reader that we were being
Editorial cartoon BY: BRENDAN
facetious in our suggestion. Would an esteemed newspaper that has seen literally a few award-winning journalists pass through its doors in the publication’s history suggest financially destitute college girls expose themselves for cheap foodstuffs? Surely not. After seeing the negative feedback slung our way, heads of the WI opinions page took a quick break in our massage annex to discuss how we’d choose to address the situation. After careful consideration we came to a simple conclusion: It’s not our fault most of the women on this campus are incorrigible sluts. Maybe it’s bad breeding stock, maybe it’s the trademark reek of desperation passed down from one generation of poverty-stricken simpletons to the next, but the WI is certain that anyone foolish enough to act on such a ribald suggestion almost certainly has a history rife with myriad sexual partners and experiences chalked up to “experimentation” that were little more than sullen cries for attention towards parents too tired from third-shift work at the horse hoof boiling factory. The licentious nature of these common street whores is society’s problem, and I am of the opinion The Weekly Illini should be lauded for sparing a sliver of spotlight to shine upon these diseaseridden trollops. Our point is that the women who degrade themselves for a mishmash of tomato sauce, cheese and bread don’t even deserve our advice. Our previous opinions piece was meant to poke fun at the
charmingly perverse bind these sexual bottom-feeders put themselves in with their licentious activities. Our new stance on the matter is clear: It’s the shameless female purveyors of flesh on this campus that are deserving of your scorn, not this well-regarded journalistic pillar of excellence that drags the bloated corpse of sexual propriety up with its ever-rising tide. These common whores may not be worthy of your nickels, but they are certainly worthy of the flock of insults students in good standing must now hurl in their direction. We remain firm in the notion that should you, the student body electric, choose not to follow the hallowed advice of this perennially awe-inspiring beacon of truth, then we as a group—yes, the Illini nation—will fall into an inescapable pit of turpitude. This will signal to the nation that the vulgar masses of unwashed vaginas have claimed victory in Champaign, in Urbana, in the minds of students from Neil Street to Lincoln Avenue, over the honest morals of academic excellence and chastity of mind. Should this happen, the day will be lost.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG17
Want to save money? Get rid of 9-1-1 Jerry Dantana Opinion Columnist Contrary to our most recent opinion piece, it’s the professional opinion of The Weekly Illini that female students who reveal their breasts in a mutually beneficial exchange for discount pizza prices are not filthy whores. We would like to officially apologize for the intolerant and inaccurate statements which have taken a judgmental stance on these enterprising women. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with beautiful young adults proudly displaying their body parts for financial gain. If we can’t live in a society where an inebriated, frugal 19-year-old can expose her breasts to a stranger for slice of pizza, then what do we have? The student body should look at these students’ bodies as proud examples of fiscal responsibility. How are the rest of these non-nudists supposed to learn money management skills when their contemporaries are mocked for giving a precious peek for prized pizza pie price cuts? Today’s America requires an educated populace that knows how to monetize assets. Who are we to judge the folks who resort to the world’s oldest profession? Nothing says job security like thousands of years of uninterrupted human demand. The Weekly Illini suggests that the University of Illinois jumps on the bandwagon and starts saving some scratch, taking
note of these crafty and well-endowed females. There are so many areas where they can begin to make changes—like free t-shirt giveaways (because someone, somewhere is paying for them) at university events, increasing the amount of written parking tickets, and the school’s expenditures on “campus safety.” For one thing, we don’t need all these emergency phones all over campus. They’re incredibly expensive, and nobody really uses them anyway. They serve more of a purpose as an ugly, bluelighted payphone (and when’s the last time anyone even used a payphone?) instead of a beacon of hope during a crisis. As a university, we’re drowning in debt. It’s like debt is a shady looking guy who’s following you as you walk home from the library late
If we can't live in a society where a inebriated, frugal 19-year-old can expose her mammaries to a stranger for a slice of pizza, then what do we have? at night, and you just wish there was some kind of conveniently placed panic button you could hit to keep you safe from crippling financial ruin. While we’re on the subject, why are we paying so much for the campus police department? The only people we really need
controlling campus are the meter maids. They’re always around, any time—night or day—and they’re ready to stop criminals in their tracks. But the cops, however, are another story. Police officers feel the need to override everything in our lives. When I lock my iPhone, that means I don’t want anyone else using it. But these uniformed jokers insist on allowing anybody to pick up the phone and call 9-1-1 without the password! Talk about an invasion of privacy! And how often do we actually need their help anyway? When’s the last time you called the police from your cell phone just to say hi or to tell them a creepy car keeps circling your block? If there’s an emergency, we can always just gather up some friends and take care of it ourselves, or take to social media where thousands of people will take note of our distress. There is safety and strength in numbers. Calling the police to take care of your problems for you is like having mommy come into school to talk to your big, bad teacher. We’re adults now, people. It’s time to start acting like one. In a truly capitalist society, we wouldn’t even need cops monitoring the roads. Let the invisible hand of the market do it for you! Currently, my demand for wanting to hit the accelerator until I break the sound barrier is properly offset by the supply of other cars on the road that I might crash into, which leaves me at a perfect equilibrium of traveling down residential roads at 65 miles per hour. I mean, it's not that hard to figure out on our own. Isn’t most of a cop’s day just spent locking up smokers and leading a group of cars to a funeral? Look officer, I have Google Maps, I don’t need you to go ahead and steal the best parking spot. We’re in a new age now and need to let useless traditions of the past go—especially if it means us saving a few dollars and getting out of the red. Let’s just get rid of the police and 9-1-1 altogether!
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The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG18
Forgetting 9-1-1? How about 9/11? Suq Madiq Opinion Columnist
Despite the arguments presented in the last article, The Weekly Illini believes that 9-1-1 is still a valuable resource just in case there truly is an emergency. While the blue emergency buttons may not be pressed all that often, it's reassuring to know that help is there when we need it. Where would our society be without the help of the police officers and firemen who live to serve and protect us? They are some of the most noble men and women who faithfully keep the American public safe and are always available at the scene of trouble. Because of this, I vouch that getting rid of 9-1-1 is not the answer, as it is a disservice to those who work to protect our country. However, there are a few numbers that American can do without: 9/11. The slogan, “We Will Never Forget,” is engrained in the minds of all Americans who were a part of that fateful day on September 11, 2001, but what good does it do to remember such a tragedy? Many people believe that remembering helps us honor those who died when our country was attacked, but such memories only bring down the morale of the American public. It would be beneficial and would raise the hopes of everyone if the American government could remove 9/11 from our calendars and just simply go from September 10 to September 12. As I stated before, police and firemen are at the heart of the society as their duties are to protect and serve the public. The eradication of 9/11 would further show our appreciation by not allowing them, especially the forces in New York, to relive such a terrible tragedy. By forgetting that 9/11 ever happened, our protective forces would be more enthusiastic about defending us and our country because the fears of a terrorist attack wouldn’t cross their minds on an annual basis. Additionally, those who lost loved ones could move on with their lives more easily if they did not have to be reminded of such pain. By skipping 9/11, it would be as if nothing bad ever happened to that person, and people could think of them as just being in a better place. We
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teach children that death is like a vacation away from your family. If the public could move on from the events of that day, those who experience the most loss and pain on September 11 can treat death in a similar manner. It may seem overly simplistic, but it’s worth trying if it helps people get on with their lives. Furthermore, any dedications to the World Trade Center, such as the One World Trade Center, which opens in 2014, should instead be dedicated to people in our world who are actually here, making a difference. We recognize the bravery of the men and women who passed during 9/11; however, they are just a memory and are not contributing to American society. Devoting such a statute as well as time and energy is nothing but counterproductive for the American people. Instead, why not dedicate this monument to someone like Dick Cheney who stood by President Bush throughout the entire 9/11 ordeal? People like that are much more deserving of such an honor. No one can honestly say that this tragedy is on his or her mind every second of the day, so why dedicate an entire day once a year to being depressed about it? The Weekly Illini believes that we can all agree that America was a much better place pre-9/11 and would flourish once again if it were no longer something we chose to put our emotions into. There would be no more debate about the war in Europe or about George W. Bush. It would all just simply disappear, just like our memories of that day. My challenge to you as an American citizen is to start looking on the brighter side of things, rather than focusing on the negative aspects of America. Sometimes the best thing is to do in a situation such as this is to turn a blind eye to it and embrace life as you once knew it. They say that ignorance is bliss, and we could all be blissful once again. We all just need to band together and choose to forget what we decided would not be forgotten.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG21
Editorial cartoon BY: BRENDAN
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PG20 The Weekly Illini November 2013
Opinionz
Never forget (the smoking ban) Ryan Wilkes Booth Apology Specialist We would like to take this time to apologize for the last opinion article. Specifically, we deeply regret the statement that was made about forgetting the tragedies of September 11, 2001. Our writer’s words were inappropriate and offensive to those many people who suffered on that grave and fateful day. It’s important that we don’t forget 9/11 because it was such a huge part of American history. Suggesting that we just “forget” that 9/11 ever happened would be like saying we should just “forget” that there’s world hunger. Just “forget” that there’s poverty and child abuse. Just “forget” that there are heart attacks and cancer and all the things that cause these horrible diseases. Although we shouldn’t forget these awful things in our lives, we should learn to cope and deal with them—especially things that probably won’t be going away any time soon. We should try to make progress with them and better our lives. For example, smoking is a harmful and dangerous activity that people across the world participate in. Here at the University of Illinois we are taking steps to eliminate this health threat by enforcing a smoking ban on campus. And this, dear readers, is another thing we cannot just “forget.” If we forget about the smoking ban, then there will be people out smoking whenever and wherever they want. You know who else had to deal with smoke all around them? The people in those World Trade Towers. That’s right. If we were to overrule the smoking ban on campus, we’d have a campus full of pain and suffer-
ing. People with their cigarettes lit all about, spreading secondhand smoke and cancer. Every day would be a nightmare. Every time you woke up, you’d be in some smoke-filled haze, confused and scared about where to go or what to do. It would be like Groundhog Day, but instead of Groundhog Day it’d be like 9/11. It would be a 9/11 that you could never wake up from. Do you remember how our country reacted after 9/11? I have never been so proud to be an American citizen in my life and when I read about the smoking ban happening on campus, you know what I did? I threw a party. I think that everybody should have reacted the same way to the smoking ban as they did after 9/11. Kids drawing pictures of cigarettes in toilets, a designated smoke free area in an airport and maybe even a clean ash tray. There should have been songs and YouTube campaigns and t-shirts and bracelets. But there wasn’t, and that truly is a shame. I don't think that people took the ban seriously enough, and now I hear that there are people out there trying to stop it. Well you know who else wanted to try to stop something? Al Qaeda. That’s right. They wanted to stop you from having freedom, just like these people against the smoking ban want you to stop living in a clean world. And personally, I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that happen. So if you’re on this side of the fence, get out of my country. It’s a disgrace to consider you a real American. A real American drinks beer, wears denim and supersizes every possible item at McDonald’s. I don’t see cigs fitting anywhere into that equation. I want you to think about a place right now. This place has smoke all over, people just gallivanting about with sin sticks in their mouths, without regard for human life. They might as well be conducting abortions and chopping peoples’ heads off with rusty knives too. Where are you picturing? Iraq? Nope. The back kitchen of a Qdoba? Nope. You’re in Champaign, if they repeal the smoking ban. That’s right, you’re not in Osama’s cave, you’re right on the Quad with all of that smoke surrounding you, suffocating you with its powerful stench. And you know what those people overseas are thinking right now? They’re thinking, “Hey I could really use a smoke and death to America right now.” So they’re getting on their little paddle boats and making their way over here right this second with bombs in one hand a pack of Camels in the other. Think about that. These smokers (or jokers, as I call ‘em) need to realize that they can smoke on their own time, on their own property. They should understand that once they light up that cigarette, they might as well be lighting up the whole campus. These jokers need to realize that we live in the goddamn greatest country on Earth and that this smoking ban is here to keep it that way.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG21
The smoking ban is going to decimate our international student enrollment Lou Sanus Smoking Enthusiast I would like to formally apologize for our claim that the smoking ban is comparable to an American tragedy, and state that we support smokers on campus. To the non-smoker, bans such as these are taken with a grain of salt. However, to us smokers, this smoking ban on campus is an affront on our God-given rights and our American values. Smoking has been a part of American culture from the beginning. Even the Indians passed around the peace pipe long before Columbus came over, ruined their lives, and got a national holiday for it. The ban on smoking isn’t only an attack on our basic rights as Americans, it also doesn’t allow students from foreign countries to experience the free world in its purest form. On this campus, we have an extremely strong international student body. This is a great thing, because you can learn different languages from osmosis. Sometimes I like to sit in Grainger and listen to international students chatter in Asian, and I’m starting to understand why they seem so riled up. They are our largest collective group of smokers and out of anyone, this ban affects them the most. Another big problem that the university is glazing over is that not allowing international students to smoke cigarettes is bad for their health. Over the past twenty years, their lungs have been conditioned to take in air through a cigarette filter. When this filter is snatched from them by this ban, they will be forced to breathe unfiltered air, and God knows what havoc that will wreak upon their foreign lymph nodes. They will be like fish out of water, and unless they learn to evolve like the African Mudskipper, they will fall ill in droves. Something that university officials have not prepared for is the large possibility that international students may exact revenge on those they deem responsible for the ban. Just as all Asians look the same to non-Asians, Americans all look the same to non-Americans. This results in all of us being possibly confused with the leaders that invoked the ban. Most international students come from Asia, and as everyone knows, they are well versed in karate and poor driving. When these two skills are combined, the results are deadly. With this ban in effect, every BMW M3, Nissan GTR, and luxury vehicle on campus may become a lethal weapon like in Stephen King’s movie Christine. There are some that say secondhand smoke is dangerous and annoying, but international students have already found a solution to that. You may see some international students around campus with surgical masks on, and—this may come as a shock—they are not dressing up as surgeons. It is designed to protect their lungs from secondhand smoke. It's a good strategy and a far better idea than just passing down rules and regulations. However, the worst part of not allowing international students to smoke on campus is that they may simply stop coming to U of I altogether. There are plenty of campuses that allow smoking wherever one wishes, why would they put up with our ridiculous rules when they can smoke to their heart’s content elsewhere? Like Northwestern or Berkeley? “I want to just smoke the cigarette when I please. I get the 4.0,” states international student Leviticus Wang. According to Wang, many of his peers have already started looking into different colleges so that they can smoke their cigarettes and not be bothered by the minority of people who say that “cigarettes smell bad” and “secondhand smoke can give you cancer.” It is quite clear that the smoking ban is an egregious overstep by the university, goes against our basic human rights and will decimate our international student enrollment. It’s time to take a good hard look at how this campus is run and the rules we enact, because if we don’t act soon we won’t be the most diverse school in the Big Ten, and what a shame that would be.
PG22 The Weekly Illini November 2013
Opinions, Fin
You think we should get rid of our Opinions Section? Our opinion: SCREW YOU The Weekly Illini Editorial Board Pissing Off the World Specialists
Yeah, yeah, we're sorry for everything we said in the previous articles. Whatever. If you can't handle other people's opinions, then how are you going to survive in the world? Most people have opinions, you know. Yes, we might be inaccurate about ours a lot of the time and yes, most of the time it's just because we're too lazy to fact-check our articles, but that doesn't mean we're wrong. I mean, we work at a newspaper, and you probably don't. You tell me who's right and who's wrong. An opinions section is a vital part of any newspaper, and no publication would be complete without it. Wishing that we get rid of our opinions section is like going back in time and asking Ben Franklin to not invent English. Then, how would we even read newspapers? I mean there was even a study once that said 98.6 percent of people who read newspapers only read the opinions section. You show me someone who grabs a copy of The New York Times just to read the sports section, and I'll show you a liar. Most people I see reading The Weekly Illini are always reading the opinions section and are always laughing and showing their friends. Why are they laughing? Because they can't believe anything else was even printed in the issue. If there wasn't an opinions section in newspapers, then print media would die. Is that my opinion? Yeah, it is. And if it's not yours, then screw you. Our opinions section tackles hard-hitting, everyday issues that need to be discussed across campus. Did you see what Miley posted last night on Twitter? Do you know how many benefits student-athletes get just for dedicating their entire lives and physical well-being to provide us with a little entertainment? Do you know how many squirrels I saw on my way to class this morning?
Sure, our understanding of ethics may be skewed and our morals may be questionable, but I don't remember the last time that counted when it comes to successful journalism. Without answers to those pressing questions that weigh heavily on our minds all day, what would university students do? We should get the front page of the paper, not some boring story about a university workers' strike or some fire on Green Street. Does that stuff even affect anybody on campus? Yeah, didn't think so. The opinions articles on our website generate the most web-hits per day, and most people on campus know us because of the section. Obviously, it's a pretty popular thing, and if I've learned one thing from JOUR 200 this semester, it's that the stories with the most pageviews are the ones that are most important. That's basic math. And the math adds up: We're the driving force behind this newspaper. If you honestly think that the other sections of our newspaper put more time and effort into their work than we do, then you obviously can't count to 100 web-hits per week, because those are the types of numbers the opinions section racks up. Sure, our understanding of ethics may be skewed and our morals may be questionable, but I don't remember the last time that counted when it comes to successful journalism. We only have one motto here in the opinions section of The Weekly Illini and that's this: “If we ink it, you probably think it.” So the next time you send us an e-mail accusing us of being inconsiderate, bigoted morons, take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself who the narrowminded, oblivious asshole is. Because we sure as hell know it's not us. Editor’s Note: After reviewing some of our latest opinions articles, we admit we're a little out of line. Sorry.
The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG23
Editorial cartoon BY: BRENDAN
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The Weekly Illini
November 2013 PG24
The Black Sheep would like to thank The Daily Illini's opinions writers for the fuel that fired this issue. Your daily strides towards early-onset dementia are truly inspirational. Sometimes, we think you guys are funnier than we are. -TBS
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