The Black Sheep
FRE E. ON .. LIKE AS UN C ATCH DAY IN MO G A B RNI UZ N G. Z
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Vol. 24, Issue 12
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/16/14 - 4/23/14
ALLEN HALL BOYCOTTS 4/20 FOR BEING TOO MAINSTREAM
RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS The effects of the drug are almost identical to marijuana, except that they include the added benefit of OutKast’s “Hey Ya” being played perpetually on loop in the user’s head. Possible side effects involve an excess of irony and potential reincarnation.
In an announcement made earlier this week, the residents of Allen Hall are boycotting this year’s 4/20 on the grounds that it is “too mainstream.” In lieu of lighting up, Allenites have decided to kill brain cells with a much more hip, up-and-coming drug: ironic cloud juice. The question of the hour is: Why? “Well, it was either this or woodchips,” said Allenite Richard Richard. “Weed is just too basic, you know? Wes Anderson would probably think it’s basic. Anything that Wes Anderson would think is basic is definitely too basic for me. Plus, Lana del Rey just sounds so good on ironic cloud juice.”
“Ironic cloud juice is my favorite. Personally, I only drink organic cloud juice from real clouds — the homemade stuff just isn’t as great,” said second floor resident Eileen Simpson. “Either way, it totally brings me to this elevated state where I can almost understand why Squidward blew up that one time after too many Krabby Patties. So cool. So ironic. Please validate me.”
This decision has garnered some surprised reactions from the community. “It’s pretty shocking that they’re doing this, considering that the dorm regularly emits the rosy scent of marijuana and artistic try-hards,” sighed University President Robert Easter. “Sorry, what?”
Naturally, this means that the resident advisers will have to work extra hard to ensure that the dorm’s substance-free rules are enforced. The Black Sheep spoke with Sarah Thompson, one of Allen’s fourth floor RAs, asking her to elaborate on her plan of action for 4/20.
Ironic cloud juice is primarily extracted through collecting the droplets that precipitate when clouds are feeling bloated. If clouds aren’t feeling ironic enough to be bloated, the juice can easily be concocted over the stove. A common recipe is to take a glass of water and boil it until it's finished boiling, then add marshmallow fluff to legitimize its cloud qualities. After that, it's traditionally poured into handmade gourds before it is consumed.
“Oh, those silly, silly kids,” she said, dropping a half-filled gourd to the ground. “Stop, come back!” she whispered as she chased the stationary “EXIT” sign above the staircase. In order to make the holiday all-inclusive, Allen Hall will have various ironic cloudthemed activities throughout the weekend. The dining hall is participating in the awareness of ironic cloud juice; everything on Sunday’s menu will incorporate cloud,
from ironic cloud juice chicken, ironically cloudy soup, ironic cloud with sriracha, and regular tofu cloud (for vegans). It will culminate with the esteemed guest speaker Steve the Cloud, who will give a lecture about the importance of staying in school, or something — the details are both hazy and irrelevant. Eventually, fire tongs will
be passed out, and the students will stab Mr. Cloud in a hands-on “Collect Your Own Juice!” activity. The only person who isn’t completely psyched about this is the Allen basement monster. In his native language of Morse code, he cried, “0111011 10111 10.” Rough-
ly translated, he said, “Dammit, here we go again. I’m not looking forward to leaving my room and having to chase stoned Allenites through the Jimmy John’s forest.” He can only hope that ironic cloud juice will make students run into a dumpster without his help, and thus, make the holiday less of a bitch to deal with.
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ROMANS 4:20
TOP 10: EASTER ACTIVITIES THAT ARE WAY BETTER HIGH
JESUS REVEALS RESURRECTION WAS JUST ONE OF MANY TRICKS
AND GOD SAID ‘LET THERE BE WEED’, AND THERE WAS.
THAT EASTER BUNNY SURE LOOKS A WHOLE LOT SCARIER NOW, HUH?
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A student who finishes his test so fast, the professor can’t help but wonder how he cheated. “’Yeah, this one dipshit finished my calc exam so fast,’ Professor Boneson noted, ‘that I’m sure he’s a cheatah, I just haven’t caught him yet.'”
Dear Kitty Kat, What’s the deal with this Easter Bunny character? Isn’t Easter all about Jesus? I’m pretty sure it’s not in the Bible. Sincerely, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HELL
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STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE?
LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: GERALDO RIVERA
Dear Freak, Excuse me sir, but you are completely wrong. It’s all about reading in between the lines. If you look really hard, he’s there, for sure. The story goes something like this: So, Jesus took this really long nap, right? Like, three days or something like that. Not as long as that Rip van Winkle dude, but close enough. So, he finally woke up and was like, “Holy shit. What have I been doing? I must have missed a lot of cool shit.” And then he decided to throw this huge party to make up for lost time and told everyone to come—the leprechaun, Santa, and the Great Pumpkin from the Charlie Brown specials. Most importantly, he invited the Beaster Bunny, because the party was around April or May and it was getting real nice our and the Beaster Bunny was known for day partying his nuts off. As he was wont to do, the Easter Bunny showed up super drunk and was really clumsy and brought all these eggs and they just spilled everywhere around Bethlehem or wherever they were. So everyone just spent the afternoon shootin’ the shit, looking for eggs, eating chocolate. All that good stuff. Then Jesus messed his name up and was all, “remember this day, it Be Easter,” and everyone was all, “Whatever, Jesus,” but they remembered it anyway. I mean, it was a pretty good party. Didn’t they teach you this in religious-ed? Later, Kitty Kat
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U OF I INTRODUCES NEW MASCOT: FRAT STAR CHRIS BOURG WROTE THIS Per the Daily Illini editorial board’s special request in their latest edition of the same re-hashed argument in favor of a mascot, the University of Illinois has announced it will adopt a new mascot in conjunction with the Nike re-branding that will be unveiled on Wednesday night. The DI argued that “any mascot is better than no mascot,” and the university finally listened. “After years of searching for a viable replacement for Chief Illiniwek, we are proud to introduce the University of Illinois’ new mascot,” announced a University spokesperson, “Frat Star.” The mascot is a real member of the Alpha Tau Beta fraternity wearing the proud regalia of his house: a flat-brimmed “Party With Sluts” hat, plastic sunglasses, a bro-tank with his fraternity letters on it, salmon-colored Chubbies shorts, and boat shoes, while clutching a tall-boy of Natural Ice at all times. However, before becoming Frat Star and donning his sacred uniform, aspiring candidates will have to go through a rigorous education and training program called “hazing” to familiarize and integrate themselves with the lifestyle and hardships that U of I frat bros endure.
“We believe this mascot honors the tradition and heritage of the proud students of the U of I,” said the university spokesperson. “In addition to the exact replication of its outfit, Frat Star is also the perfect representative of the U of I student body.” The spokesperson explained that, much like the average U of I student, Frat Star is always drunk, he almost never shows up to games, and when he does grace everyone with his presence at games, he gives a half-assed effort at everything he does, just like the sports teams he’s cheering on. The university spokesperson also said that, much like the Nike rebrand, the “Fighting” part of the Fighting Illini name will be emphasized with this mascot. “Frat Star also possesses the fighting spirit that our Fighting Illini teams are named and known for,” said the university spokesperson. “In addition to picking fights at every campus bar every night of the week, Frat Star will pick fights with other teams’ mascots and opposing players in order to establish our school’s dominance.” The Alpha Tau Beta brother with the honor of being appointed the first Frat Star is fifth-year RST
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major Ryan Dawson, who will be returning for the 2014-2015 school year to continue pursuing his undergraduate degree. Dawson has already undergone the educational and training requirements and is excited to assume the responsibility of representing the University as the Frat Star. “I am most excited to bang more sorostitutes as a result of this incredible opportunity,” said Daw-
son. “Seriously bro, I’m gonna be drowning in pussy once I start doing this.” In his first act as Frat Star, Dawson shotgunned his Natural Ice tallboy and proudly proclaimed that he was going to initiate Maryland as a new member of the Big Ten by brawling with their Terrapin mascot. “I’M COMING FOR YOU, TERRA-BITCHES. WELCOME TO THE BIG TEN!”
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FOUR INJURED CROSSING DIAGONALLY ON CORNER OF SIXTH AND WRIGHT JP Stevens wrote this Reports said four limp bodies lay along the diagonal crosswalk at the corner of Sixth and Wright streets, a popular crossing place during school hours.
Sorority Advertising Campaign Washed Away by 2 Minutes of Rain JP Stevens wrote this A brief spat of rain in ChampaignUrbana on Wednesday morning meant the end for the Tri Delt's tireless advertising campaign. “Ugh, it took like three weeks to decide on what chalk design we wanted to put on the sidewalk outside of Lincoln Hall,” Jessica Gibbons said with her arms folded. “I can't even tell you how angry this makes me. Like, why didn't this happen to any other sorority when they drew their fundraiser information on the Quad last week? It's just not fair.” Weather reports show that while there was a 10 percent chance of rain Wednesday morning, there was
only a light drizzle for a couple of minutes. “It was only a little sprinkle,” Jim Thompson, a Meteorology 265 professor, said. “Either way, it was a bit short-sighted of them to put all of their campaign funds into sidewalk chalk. I mean, couldn't they just have put up some posters or something along the Quad? They had plenty of time to plan it out.” Gibbons said the campaign took three weeks to organize since the sisters couldn't reach a decision on whether to use pink chalk or purple. “Obviously pink was the better choice all along,” Gibbons said, still rolling her eyes at the disastrous situation. “Like, who even cares if purple is darker
and easier to read? It doesn't look as good, I'll tell you that.” The Tri Delt house remains flustered over their loss of advertising mediums. Pedestrians walking by on the street have reported hearing nothing but silence from the house, but have witnessed multiple members of the house stomping inand-out of the front door, slamming it each time. “This is literally so ridiculous,” Gibbons said. “What are we supposed to do now? Like, we come up with the perfect plan and now it's all ruined because it just had to rain today. I can't even believe this.”
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“I was just trying to cross the street and then all of the sudden there was a guy on a bike, everyone was going different directions, and the next thing I knew I was laying face down on the pavement,” one victim told reporters outside of Carle Foundation Hospital in Urbana. “I'm pretty sure people were stepping on me after I fell over. They didn't even care at all.” Three other victims laid maimed and motionless along the street corner as pedestrians glanced and kept walking down Green St. The crowded on-campus location gathers plenty of foot traffic during business hours, mostly during the busiest portions of students' days.
“I mean, I was thinking about stopping and helping her, but my class started in like five minutes and I hate getting there late because then everyone looks at you when you walk in during the lecture,” a student said, rushing down the Quad to get to class. “It's the thought that counts, right?” Witnesses said the scene was chaotic as the walk sign flashed and hundreds of pedestrians swarmed the street, trying to get to the other side. “It was like Frogger or something,”
Jenny Ferguson, 22, said. “It's a miracle anyone survived, to be completely honest.” “I'm never too worried about the danger of crossing streets,” freshman Luke Warner said, looking down at his iPhone as he walked across Wright St. during a green light. “People worry so much about getting hit by cars or that they'll run into someone else if you don't watch where you're going. I mean, people will move out of your way if you just walk blindly. Everyone knows that.”
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ROMANS 4:20 - “AND GOD SAID, 'LET THERE BE WEED'” WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS From the first day of creation, God celebrated what was natural. To act against that celebration would be disgraceful. For if you reject His ways, you are not living a full, wholesome life. One day, Paul was wandering through the fields with his disciples. Wrath and annoyance bubbled in his core as he wanted some alone time. When Paul felt the Devil condemn him, urging him to beat the living crap out of his posse, Paul went to Jesus for advice. He dropped to Jesus’ feet and said, “I can go on no longer. I cannot be alone. Where I walk, they walk. Where I stand, they stand. The Devil is trying to convince me to do atrocious acts. Please, help me follow in your ways.” Jesus checked for dirt under his fingernails and responded saying, “That is the price one pays to walk in the footsteps of the Lord. When thy defecates, your deed becomes holy shit. Do not become disgruntled. It is a blessing.”
Like many who also came to Jesus with problems, Paul was dumbfounded. He thought: “How could a man so blessed and renowned be so passive?” Paul replied, “Forgive me, Son, but I am still lost.” Jesus smirked and responded, “Return to the field you wondered in down yonder. Rejoice in the abundance of peace God planted for you.” Paul sighed. He knew Jesus would be of no help. He moseyed back to the field. When he arrived, he saw his men raising their arms in the air in praise, shouting, “Alleluia!” Behind the apostles burned a green bush. Five prominent leaves sprout off the stem, the tallest on top. The burning consumed the bushes, illuminating the field. The fire spread to similar, smaller weeds that filled the land. The odor of the burning weeds washed over the men. They inhaled slow and
deep, rejoicing in the beautifully burning creation God graced upon them. The odor filled their lungs, and they let the holy ghost of smoke that was emitted from the fire take control of their bodies. Serenity covered them all, until the fire spread to their feet. When it seemed like the peace was disturbed and they would have to depart, they were stilled by who they saw across the field. Walking on fire, Jesus made his way to them across the burning field. He walked with grace, no flame making him scared or timid. He smiled at the stunned men, his arms outstretched. “Bask in the wonder that is the Lord,” Jesus proclaimed to the men. “Breathe and know what righteousness is.” The dumbfounded look on the men’s faces quickly dissipated and laughter illuminated the field. The men keeled over, holding their sides. Jesus looked on at the men, amused at their reactions.
The men laughed and cried at the same time. They leaned on one another. Paul peed his pants. When the laughter subsided, Jesus asked the men to sit. They joined him, sitting on the flames that grew beneath them, the smoke from the weeds completely consuming them now.
“Know that the Lord is good and He brings you peace,” Jesus continued. “The beauty he created for you will fill your life. When the Devil creeps into your soul, swaying you away from the Lord, know that God will help you come back. He will take you to his fields and fill you with the Holy Ghost. He will fill your lungs with life.”
“Peace be with you,” Jesus said, raising his hands forward.
The men closed their eyes and smiled, nodding along with what Jesus said.
“And also with you,” the men said in serene, harmonic voices, with eyes beet-red.
“For God sayeth, weed is good,” Jesus said and inhaled deeply.
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FOR ONE TEAM, WINNING IS EVERYTHING IN SORORITY PHILANTHROPY SPORTS HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS
Sorority philanthropic sporting events offer participants the opportunity to engage in friendly competition with their peers while raising money for a good cause. In these events, winning and losing take a back seat to good sportsmanship and having fun. For one team though, losing is not tolerated and the charity being supported by the event is irrelevant. Their intention is to win big and humiliate their opponents while they do it. The mere mention of their name, Terror Squad, causes them to helplessly piss their pants. Terror Squad’s captain and fearless leader Jillian Brostregna, speaking from her office adorned with championship banners and trophies, attributes the co-ed team’s unprecedented success in philanthropy sporting events to what she calls the “two Ps”: preparation and practice. “For each sport, we have playbooks and detailed strategic analyses breaking down what we will do in any given situation,” said Brostregna. “We also hold threehour practices every day at five in the morning when we go over the
playbook, hold scrimmages, run conditioning drills and watch film.” Terror Squad’s conduct on the field of play also separates them from the rest of the competition. “It’s one thing to execute your plays perfectly in practice,” said Brostregna. “It’s quite another to bring that intensity to every play of every game. All our players have bought into our system though, so we don’t have to worry about lazy play or slipping into a mindset where we only play to have fun.” Violence is the focal point of Terror Squad’s championship-caliber play. While most teams in philanthropy sports employ a relaxed style of play due to the laid-back nature of the events, Terror Squad plays with 100%, balls-to-the-wall aggression. “We bring the pain in every minute of every sport,” boasted Brostregna. “Even in the Kappatat volleyball tournament, our ringer Kim Serve spiked a ball so hard at some chick’s face that it broke her jaw.” Brostregna also recalled a time at a broomball event when some-
one on the other team accidentally grazed elbows with their best player, Maddie O. “I was fucking furious that they had the nerve to touch our star,” said Brostregna. “So I sent in Brandon Pharaoh, the team goon, to knock that fucking pussy-ass bitch out. Weak cunt.”The opposing player sustained a head injury that caused permanent brain damage from Pharaoh’s punishing blow. While many believed the retaliation was harsh, Brostregna claims the Terror Squad let him off easy. “We needed to send a message that we are not a force to be fucked with,” she said. “That pussy should count his lucky stars that we graciously allowed him to continue living.”
a game during ADPi’s kickball tournament when junior Matt Kennedy bulldozed the catcher in a home plate collision while the ball was still in the outfield, resulting in a broken collarbone for the catcher. After showering the catcher with taunts like “DON’T STEP IN FRONT OF THE KENNEDY EXPRESSWAY, BITCH!” the umpire ruled Kennedy out, which caused the entire Terror Squad team to attack the umpire. “Growing up on the South Side of Chicago, I was taught to fight for what you believe to be right, and our team takes that to heart,” said Brostregna. “If the student umpire screws us over on a call in kickball, you better believe Terror Squad is ready to administer a beat down.”
Heated arguments and physical altercations with officiating crews aren't uncommon at Terror Squad games. According to Brostregna, referees are the bane of the team’s existence. “The refs are out to get us. I know they are,” she said. “We always get screwed over on calls. And for what? Because of a little verbal and physical abuse? It’s such bullshit.” Brostregna recalled
Celebrations after big plays are also an integral part of Terror Squad’s culture, and given the massive amount of success they’ve experienced, Terror Squad celebrates a lot. “Celebrating is another way we establish our dominance over the weaklings we play against,” said Brostregna. She cited a time when Mark Burton, a 5-foot-9, 165 pound, senior best known for his
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dominance on the basketball court, dunked over a much taller defender in last year’s Theta Hoops tournament. “Before dribbling, Mark asked the defender if he wanted to see ‘Bofa,’” she said. “When the defender hesitated to think about it, Mark leaped up, nuts in the defender’s face, and threw down a thunderous dunk, absolutely posterizing this fool. Then Mark grabbed his crotch, looked back at the disgraced pussy he just dunked over, and yelled ‘BOFA DEEEZ NUTS!’ It was the perfect embodiment Ter-
ror Squad’s morals and values.” Even though Terror Squad has already reached levels of success most people in intramural sports could only dream of, Brostregna and her team remain motivated to accomplish more. “We remain driven by the same things that motivated us from the very start, long before we were the undisputed champions of sorority philanthropy sports,” said Brostregna. Those things? “The wild women, the rippin’ and the terrorin'.”
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
EASTER TRADITIONS THAT ARE MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU’RE STONED KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
This year, Easter falls on another highly religious, widely celebrated holiday: 4/20. But that doesn’t mean you have to pick one or the other. Why not just combine the two of ‘em and have one kick-ass lazy Sunday afternoon? After all, we easily found 10 things that are much more enjoyable when you’re stoned. 10.) Attending a Family Party: Ugh, your Uncle Kevin is a total creep and Grandma Jean won’t stop asking if you have a girlfriend yet. Luckily, toking in the bathroom will kill a good 15 minutes. When you get back out there, you’ll be too sleepy and blazed to even notice or care. “Yeah, Aunt Laura, well it looks like you put on some weight too.”
GIVING UP WEED FOR LENT:
THE EPIC CONCLUSION LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS This year, by the grace of God himself, Easter Sunday, the final day of Lent, will be dually celebrated on 4/20. Or as stoners call it, Christmas. Now, it might not seem like a significant collation, but it’s an alignment of the stars in heaven for one student on campus. For Greg Zephyr, 21-year-old bio-chem major, this will be both the greatest Easter and 4/20 of his whole life. “Well, Easter has been my favorite holiday since I was three,” he explained. “That’s when I got my first pet rabbit. And April 20 is my iguana’s birthday, so that’s just an added bonus.” But this is mainly a special day because Zephyr – who calls himself a “ganja gorilla” – gave up weed for Lent. It’s been a tough few months for Zephyr. Before Lent, he would hit the Devil’s lettuce just about every day. You name it, this kid’s smoked out of it: bongs, joints, one-hitters, spliffs, doobies, blunts, roach munchers, pinky blasters, apples, those chocolate-laced breakfast straws meant for milk, everything. “I’ve been known to be quite the connoisseur of the plant,” he admitted. “I’ve been supplying the whole campus for a few years now. I put the frat dudes who sell those shit oregano-tier dimebags to absolute shame.” Zephyr’s moment is almost here, and he’s more than prepared for the solar-eclipse-like holiday that sits just on the horizon. He’s been furiously cleaning his eight bongs, which range from the size of a ballpoint pen to a decently-sized refrigerator. “You gotta get the worker bees ready, man,” he said. "Once the honey comes in, there’s no time to waste. No honey is too sweet to pass up. Like that cartoon bear says, ‘Weed is good.’” Kicking weed for forty days has been a long, hard road. Zephyr has been spending days and nights camping outside his buddies’ apartments, who are also huge stoners, just for a faint smell of the stuff. “I can’t get too close to it, ya know?” he said. “If I do, I don’t know how much restraint I can muster. I know for one thing, the Holy Spirit wouldn’t appreciate it at all, you dig? This isn’t some walk-in-the-park like giving up soda or Facebook.” With the pressure of waiting for Blaze Day 2014 to roll around, Zephyr has been preoccupied by its welcoming, and admits he has started to perform uncharacteristically in class. “I’ve never been more interested in school in my whole life than I have for the last forty days,” he admitted. “It’s throwing me off my stratosphere. It’s playing with my head. I’ve got too much brainpower and time on my hands. I even picked up one of my history books yesterday. And read it.” It’s true, Zephyr simply hasn’t been himself lately. He’s been cooking healthy meals and completely cut out cheese fries and corndogs. He’s also been exercising and seeing a lot more daylight than usual. “See my skin, man?” he asks. “It’s darker. Nearly forty days ago, I looked like a bleached albino donning hemp hoodies. This shit isn’t right.” In his shaded, dark, mildewed apartment, Zephyr is ready for 4/20. He bought his iguana a birthday present, a Hawaiian-themed background for his terrarium, paid respects to the Easter Bunny, and recently bought 5 pounds of marijuana. “This week I’m not selling any of it,” he says. “It’s all for Papa Bear this Sunday. All for Papa Bear.”
9.) Taking Pictures with the Easter Bunny: Hopefully you’ve grown out of this stage by now, but if you’re stuck taking photos with your siblings, you’re gonna need help ignoring all the whining and squirming. We suggest to not smoking too much though, that bunny suit is going to get more nightmarishly creepy with every puff. 8.) Shoving Cadbury Eggs and Jelly Beans into Your Mouth: So many flavors and colors and textures. Why wouldn’t you wanna get high before this delicious candy feast? Frito-Lay wishes they could satisfy the munchies like pounds on pounds of melting chocolate. 7.) Hunting for Easter Eggs: This tradition can get a little competitive, so you should probably chill out a bit before you lay out your 10-year-old cousin over the egg hiding in the rose bush. It’s all about sharing with the family, man, and seeing the children smile. Eggs are just material shit. You don’t need that. 6.) Putting on Your Sunday’s Best: Easter requires bonnets and ties and dress shirts and skirts—not necessarily the most comfortable attire. But when you’re high as a kite, everything feels like you’re in your birthday suit. Just don’t actually go out anywhere naked. That’ll lead to some truly awkward family photos at grandma’s later on. 5.) Going to Church: What with all the premarital sex you’ve been having, you already feel guilty enough and a little paranoid that the priest is gonna set you on fire. Not only will a little weed ease the tension, but it’ll bring you a lot closer to the Big Man upstairs. You can actually see him, you know? It’s like he’s right there, speaking into your soul… 4.) Putting a Peep in the Microwave: It gets you every time. “There’s no way, absolutely no way it’s gonna explode! Oh my God, dude! Dude! Look at it go! Look! Look! Hell yeah, little Peep! Blow your shit! Yeah! Hey, let me get another hit of that.” 3.) Slicing into the Lamb Cake: A cute little yellow cake, shaped like a baby lamb, covered in vanilla frosting and coconut shavings, nestled in a bed of jelly beans. When sober, watching someone take the first slice is a little gruesome and disheartening. But once you’re high, you find the whole thing “totally cool,” like, that’s the way God would have wanted it, dude. 2.) Digging Through Your Easter Basket: When you’re stoned, it’s a never-ending basket of sugary goodness and green, plastic-y strands of grass. Just please don’t try to smoke them like the dumbass from Shortcock’s article. They won’t get you high … just poisoned and dead. 1.) Dying Easter Eggs: There’s nothing trippier than this. Dipping eggs into little bowls of color, and then seeing them emerge something totally new and bright. You can keep changing them and changing them until your heart is content or they turn an inevitable shit-brown. You can make them tie-dye or striped or polka-dotted or nothing at all. Either way, you just can’t look away…
PAGE 10
FIRST-TIME POTHEAD
ACCIDENTALLY SMOKES EASTER BASKET GRASS ON 4/20 STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS
University of Illinois freshman Mickey Gallagher is reportedly still in the hospital after a disastrous marijuana mix-up lead to melted plastic, breathing trouble, and a call to poison control after he allegedly inhaled the fumes of a burning Easter basket. Gallagher, a MACS major living in Scott Hall, is said to have packed a small glass smoking bowl with the plastic Easter basket grass sent to him by his parents on Easter. After setting the plastic on fire, Gallagher breathed in quickly, causing noxious fumes and cords of molten plastic to coat his lungs. Friends of Gallagher said they had planned on participating in this year’s weed-smoking fiesta, known as “4/20.” This year, Easter falls on the same day, leading many college students to plan Jesus-themed toking celebrations throughout the day. Apparently, Gallagher misunderstood their plans. “My friends told me that this Sunday they were going to be ‘smoking that Easter grass’ all day long,” Gallagher said. “I didn’t want to look like an idiot, so I thought I’d practice, you know, so that I wouldn’t cough after I inhaled or anything like that. And I thought I should acclimate myself to any of the side effects of the smoking the plastic, so I wouldn’t look like a total noob. But now there’s charred plastic coating the inner linings of my lungs, and I sound like I have one of those emphysema glory holes you see on T.V. I’m such a fuck up I can’t even smoke weed right. As if being a MACS major wasn’t enough.” Friends of Gallagher said this is his first time experimenting with drugs, although according
to one source, he did accidentally eat too many Fiber One bars in one sitting, prompting his intestines to shit a finely-knit quilt during every bowel movement for a week. “Mickey’s a good kid,” said Bobby Harrison, Gallagher’s roommate. “We’re talking about a guy who drinks a cup of water for every beer he drinks when he goes out. He’s a straight-laced accountant. Until now, there wasn’t an ounce of fun to be found in him. I hope this doesn’t fuck up his potential.” Luckily for Harrison, Gallagher’s first-time stint with drugs seems to have left the opposite effect within a few hours of recovering.“I feel so bad ass!” Gallagher said. “Infinite, you know? Drugs are great. Have you smoked before? You get really chill the first time you’re high, but you get used to it. My dealer just got this great stuff in from Bloomington, so I can’t wait to get outta here and try it.” The hospital in charge of Gallagher’s recovery doesn’t intend to release him for at least another week and says it’s unlikely he will ever be able to inhale any smoke ever again. Gallagher said he intends to “swipe some mutha' fucking morphine” in case he needs to find a new way to “maintain that bliss, man, you don’t even know.” Gallagher allegedly also received an eight pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, a bag of Starburst Jelly Beans, a hollow chocolate bunny, and a package of Peeps, all of which were removed from his room and eaten in case his newfound hardcore addiction calls him to melt them down and inject the mixture with a heroin syringe.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Catch the Game Here! $3.25 22oz Coors Light Stadium Cup, $4 Vegas Bombs $2.50 Three Olives Flavored Long Island Iced Teas
Thursday Night's Show: Summer Camp Music Festival pre-party with SUN STEREO, COSBY SWEATER and SOAP
Wednesday 4/16
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
DIRTY HEADS with THE BURNING OF ROME and SNEEZY
Thursday 4/17
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands $5 Domestic Pitchers
Summer Camp Music Festival pre-party with SUN STEREO, COSBY SWEATER and SOAP
Friday 4/18
$2 Jager Bombs, $2 Wells $2.5 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Three Olives Premium LITs $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Saturday 4/19
$2 Jager Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
SATURDAY! Elsinore, 9:30pm, $10 w/ Sunjacket and Minor Characters
WATCH THE BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS WITH US! Red Beer on Tap!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
KARAOKE NIGHT - 10pm Bud Mug Night! Get Your Choice of Mug! $1 SHOTS Bulls vs Bobcats 7pm
FIREBOMB NIGHT! $1 FIREBALL! $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $4 Huge 24oz ICE BOMBS
Private Party - Closed Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap! Hawks vs Blues 7pm $2 WELLS, Half Price Burgers 7:30pm-10pm $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers
BEATS ANTIQUE with SEAN HAYES and HORSEHEAD MCGEE
OPEN AT 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE and Chips with the purchase of any beverage
Whata Vibration, 10pm No Cover Before 11pm! Ricky X, Vader, Jive Davis, Forrest Bump
Cubs vs Reds 1:20pm $3.99 Haus Fries All Day $6 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam
JUSTIN SONDERS and PAGEANT THE BAND (Early Show!) STEPDOWN 2014 Dance Party (Late Show!)
$3 Jim Beam $3 Cuervo Silver $3 Three Olives Vodka $5 Patron Shots
Elsinore, 9:30pm, $10 w/ Sunjacket and Minor Characters
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap! Hawks vs Blues 2pm Giant Mug Night! Get the Huge 32oz Bud Mug and Fill it with Red Beer!
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
BULLS PLAYOFFS Watch Every Game Here! $2 ANYTHING Every Liquor...Every Beer $2 $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap! Hawks vs Blues 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts $1 Tequila 1/2 PRICE APPS 4-10pm
WEDNESDAY 4/23: FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S Victory Lap! Champ Spins Tonight!
WPGU & Clybourne.... FRATTLE OF THE DJ's FINAL! DJs Compete for $1000 CASH & $1000 Party Rental for their House!
Sunday 4/20
Closed
Closed
Monday 4/21
Mason Jar Monday $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials!
The battle for Summer Camp Music Festival begins with: DIRTY LARRYS, THE ARS NOVA and SOCIAL ALCOHOL BAND
Tuesday 4/22
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts *Not all Beers included* $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! SAY HI and BIG SCARY (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN BAND: Late Show! Playing all your favorites!
$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
$2 WELLS, $2.99 Cheeseburger & Side and $5 WRAPS & Side 4pm-10pm
Wednesday 4/23
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
GOLD SPRINTS (Early Show!) PIZZA FM BENEFIT (Late Show!)
FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S Victory Lap! Champ Spins Tonight!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
Watch the Hawks on our 5 Brand New 70in TVs, Plus Our 2 Big Screens!
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Watch the Hawks at Kam's! $2 16oz Coors Light Cans Every Game Enter to Win a Signed Jerome Roenick Jersey! Winner Will Be Picked at the Final CHI/STL Game
Wednesday 4/16
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olive Blue Guys
Thursday 4/17
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs Hawks on the Big Screen!
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Klub Kam’s DJ “3xceed” 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys Hawks! Win a Roenick Jersey! $2 Coors Lt. Cans
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
The Great Egg Hunt (6-11) Eggs will be hidden on the Quad and other locations around campus. Win Free Cover, Cash, and Other Prizes! DJ Delicato Spinning at 10PM, $1.75 16oz Lite Cans, $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys
Saturday 4/19
Watch the Hawks at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 American Harvest Hawks on the Big Screen!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$2 All Bud Bottles & Cans Hawks! Win a Roenick Jersey! $2 Coors Lt. Cans
Sunday 4/20
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Closed - Happy Easter!
Monday 4/21
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff Hawks on the Big Screen!
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Meet the "Neighbors" Cast Party - Doors Open at 6PM! $3 Blue Guys, 1st 40 Get Blue Guy T-shirts - Everyone Gets a Poster!
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $1.50 Coors & Coors Lt Bottles $2 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball Hawks on the Big Screen!
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Frattle of the DJs! Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles, $5 Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olive Blue Guys, Hawks! Win a Roenick Jersey! $2 Coors Lt. Cans
Friday 4/18
Tuesday 4/22 Wednesday 4/23
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@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
Official Black Hawk Specials All Playoffs! Puck Drops Thursday @ 8PM
FRIDAY! Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 Burnett's Vodka $3 Jager Bombs
FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
WEDNESDAY! Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Budweiser Black Hawks, $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/16
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 4/17
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 Burnett's Vodka $3 Jager Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 4/18
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Long Islands $2 Frozen Drinks $3 Three Olvies Drinks $3 Rumchata Shots
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts "A Cool Hand" Playing Live 10:30-1AM, No Cover!
Saturday 4/19
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 4/20
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 4/21
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 4/22
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Coors Light NHL $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!
Wednesday 4/23
! N W O D 0 5 $ LY N O R O F N SIG VINGS! THATS $275 INhoSurA s of tour. Must sign within 72ictions apply Limted time only! Restr
FREE T S h when you briin r t
D OU ON T O ’T N MIS TH S IS!
flyer in and toguthis r!
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AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR OWN BRAND OF MALT LIQUOR? Doug
“Meyers Rumpz”
Becky
“Rachet Sauce”
Emily
“Jizz Juice”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: THROWING THAT DICK AROUND Major: Human development Favorite Drink: Roofiecolada Favorite Shot: Anything 100 proof or more Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: Well, personally it makes me feel moist. What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Bacon. If you don’t like bacon, then fuck you! Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: I hope you go play for the Illinois football team. What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Crusty dick and orphan tears. How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: #hashtagfreeballin’ Be cool man, it’s just weed. Right?: I mean my sister lives in Colorado, so ... Roll that shit, light that shit, smoke that shit. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because white people are the worst.
Sydney of Murphy's
DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.
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Charlotte of Kam's
Relationship Status: Depends who’s asking Major: Communication and Spanish Favorite Drink: Vodka soda lemon Favorite Shot: Flu shot Disgusting Drink: Anything made by Sean O’Neill Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: A little whisky makes everyone frisky. Fill in this blank: “I wish KAM’S had a sign that said, “No____ allowed”: Pooping. What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: I’m always cooking up trouble ;) Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: Still waiting for them to make a middle finger emoji. What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Fish. How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: Sharting would be a much bigger problem for everyone. Be cool man, it’s just weed. Right?: No … It’s oregano. I went to Catholic school. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Do people still read?
PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW CANADIAN LTD WHISKEY GRADE: CWRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
So, here’s the thing: We actually weren’t supposed to review whiskey this week. The LTD we picked up was just another cheap filler meant to tide us over after the actually good liquor was sifting warm in our stomachs. The liquor we were supposed to review was some sort of new rum – and it was AMAZING. Seriously, we swear it had a chocolaty aftertaste, and it didn’t stab your throat on the way down like Captain. Unfortunately, we guess we got literally drunk enough to finish the rum, toss the bottle, and completely forget what it was called. That’s why, this week, we’re stuck reviewing cheap whiskey instead of the Rum of Gods. Sorry. Smells Like: Whiskey that’s cheap for the sake of being cheap. We picked up the bottle because it was $11.99, so what are you expecting? Tastes Like: “Wince” whiskey – the kind of whiskey that makes you wince and not want to be all-grown up anymore as it goes down. Typical Drinkers: Writers who are really tipping the “poor” part of the “financial stability” scale more so than usual, whiskey connoisseurs who want to sound cultured by trying an authentic “Canadian” spirit, people totally okay with whiskey being in a squeezable bottle, The Black Sheep staff reel-
ing through regret and disappointment in themselves. User Comments: “Oh, LTD is on sale for $11. Let’s just grab that.” “Oh, God, this rum is heavenly. I guarantee you that whiskey is going to stay unopened tonight.” “Oh … the LTD is still at your apartment, unscathed …” “Hey, do you remember the name to the rum we were supposed to review?” Best Described as a Movie Quote: "… But WHY is the rum gone???” What Tex Mex Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Please, put your cup down. If there’s anyone who should be punished right now, it’s me.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Papa John’s pizza with garlic sauce, more Coke for unnecessarily high dilution. You’ll Like This if You Like: Going through your primary choice of liquor faster than you’d care to admit. We Mixed it With: Coke, 7-UP
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PAGE 18
The Black Sheep Opinion:
White Males are the New Minority BRENDAN WROTE THIS
I was walking across the Quad the other day, and something really shocked me: Everyone really has it out for white males like me. I walked past a group of Take Back the Night women hosting a rally on the Quad. One of ‘em saw me, pointed, and screamed, “Hey, that’s Brendan! He followed me home last week after I shot him down at Kam’s!” The women started booing me in unison. One of them even spat on me. I was all like, dude, you bitches need to get laid or something. Stuff like this happens to white males more than you’d think, and I think it’s time to recognize that we, too, are a minority group. Think about it, it’s simple math. Of the 318 million people in the United States, only 72% of the population is white. 52% of the population is female, too. So, that means out of the 318 million people living in the United States, only 110 million of us are white males. One in three. That’s 33%. Sounds like a minority to me. So why is it that all these other minorities get to take a dump on us left and right? Blacks, Asians, Jews, Muslims, we’re all one in the same, we’re all getting held down by The Man, can’t we just be in this together? Like, I was in an African-American Studies class last spring (talk about feeling like a minority in one of those, am I right?) and one kid started going off about white people oppressing his family for generations, and I had just about enough of it. I raised my hand when he finished and told the class that I wasn’t racist—never
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have been. I told him I had masturbated to pictures of Rihanna just before coming to class. Didn’t matter, he didn’t believe me. He said my ancestors probably had slaves. I told him no, they didn’t, we’re from upstate New York and we had plenty of black butlers, but we paid them a fair wage and let them live in a cabin a few miles away from the family compound. I mean, he said something like, “You cannot be serious.” I don’t think he understood what I was saying. It’s just so frustrating sometimes being a white guy, I swear. Wu-Tang Clan makes millions of dollars from appropriating Asian culture and they’re considered by the mainstream as artists. I whisper, “Me love you long time?” to an Asian girl during a party and I’m “a bigoted sexist.” Sure, whatever. That doesn’t even make any sense. And you want to talk about the fetishizing of culture? Did you know KFC is the biggest fast food chain in China? Those little yellow guys love that stuff over there! How is that not racist?! They think all white guys have wispy white hair and conjugal southern accents. It’s like whiteface plastered across an entire country. That’s totally not cool, China, and as a minority I feel like I shouldn’t have to stand for it anymore. What I’m saying is, can’t we just get over this, you guys? How many more times do I have to remind my black friend Jeff that if I don’t put an “-er” on the end of it and I use it in the context of karaoking a rap song, then it’s not racist, like, at all? It seems pretty racist to me that there are words white males aren’t allowed to use.
PAGE 19
JESUS REVEALS RESURRECTION WAS JUST ONE OF MANY MAGIC TRICKS BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS Jesus Christ, the son of God, made headlines 2,000 years ago when he resurrected himself from the dead. His colleagues had already known him for his miracles, but his resurrection was what earned him worldwide attention and stunned audiences for years. In fact, every Easter, his followers reflect on how awesome it truly was. But this year, Jesus has publicly revealed his miracles as nothing more than “smoke and mirrors.” “After 2,000 years of keeping it secret, I must confess to my fans that all my miracles were, indeed, simply well-executed magic tricks,” said Christ in a press conference early this morning. “While it's true that I am the one path to eternal salvation, I admit that every supernatural act I performed, including my signature ‘coming back from the dead’ trick, was merely an illusion.” What actually happened was that Jesus arranged for a stunt double to be crucified. Regrettably, his look-alike died on
the cross, and his corpse was laid to rest in a tomb, where Jesus was hiding. So for three days, Christ patiently waited in the tomb. Then, on Easter Sunday, Jesus emerged from the grave unscathed, apparently revived from death.
cased himself in a massive block of ice in what is now Times Square. He spent over 63 hours frozen in the solid ice. The miracle wowed thousands of people, but as Jesus now explains, the miracle was an elaborate hoax.
“It’s time to put an end to this charade,” said Christ. “I’ve only sold this trick to a few other magicians over the centuries. But every time I see a crucifix or the Easter Bunny, I feel a shred of guilt for misleading the world into believing my resurrection was more than a magic sham. This year, I’ve decided that enough is enough.” He further sighed that his ‘water-into-wine’ miracle was simply the result of a little food coloring, knowing he would have to break an aspiring pastor’s spirit upon telling him.
Many Biblical scholars had questioned the authenticity of Jesus’ miracles. Skeptics had suspected there was something fishy about a man defying the laws of nature on a regular basis. Some of Jesus’ more liberal and reasonable fans have rationalized that his miracles were just figurative stories, and not intended to be taken literally–sort of like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. And as it turns out, those people were right all along.
In the first century, Christ had made a living off his “miracles”–many of which were never mentioned in the Bible. For example, in the year 20 A.D., the Lord traveled to New York City, where he en-
Some folks are still having a difficult time not believing these unbelievable miracles. “Who is Jesus to say that Jesus’ miracles weren’t legit?” asked longtime fan Pope Francis. “If you ask me, that makes Jesus as much of a heretic as those goddamn atheists and Protestants.”
But after much skepticism, the Lord himself finally confirmed there to be nothing divine about his actions. Yet, even after the news that his miracles were a ruse, fans of Jesus are holding on to their beliefs.
“Jesus, you're telling me everything you did was a strategically planned illusion?” one angry fan asked. “Hm. I'll believe it when I see it.”
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Jesus Of
h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr
jesus of blazereth
This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to
the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus
yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
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PAGE 23
CROSSOVER MASHUP SPECTACULAR: MAN’S GAME OF MAD THRONES SCOTTY G WROTE THIS Both Mad Men and Game of Thrones are back in season, and these critically acclaimed shows are about to get much better. In a joint press conference, creator of Mad Men Matthew Weiner and Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin announced big changes in the upcoming episodes. For the remainder of the season, the two shows will be merged into one. All the blood, guts, lust, and lore of the Thrones series will be brought into the world of a 1960s New York advertising agency. To generate buzz for the big event, Weiner and Martin released a snippet of the script to the public:
The door opens, and a crowd of Game of Thrones characters come flooding into the office.
INT. DON DRAPER’S OFFICE - DAY DON sits at his desk, sipping on a glass of whiskey, looking outside the window thinking about a new slogan, his time in the war, and which secretary to bang next. There’s a loud knock on the door.
KHALEESI We set the scene in a barren desert. There’s a silhouetted figure puffing on a cigarette.
DON Come in.
CERSIE LANNISTER Yep, definitely a dragon.
DON What do you have for me? KHALEESI steps forward. KHALEESI What do I have for you? The greatest Lucky Strike mouth torch ad campaign west of the wall! DON They’re called cigarettes, and stop referring to everything in relation to the Great Wall of China.
JAIME LANNISTER I bet it’s a dragon.
JORAH MORMONT Let her finish. KHALEESI (sighing) They’re right, it’s a dragon. JOFFREY BARATHEON I’ve got an idea for you. We tie a man to a chair and hold the burning cigarette to his eyeball! DON And why would that make people want to buy Lucky Strike? JOFFREY BARATHEON Oh, are we still talking about that? DON You guys aren’t getting this. Does anyone have a problem with the way I’m running things? TYWIN LANNISTER I want my name on the door! The Lannisters are the most powerful family in the realm.
DON Seriously? You’ve worked here for two weeks! THE HOUND Can I have more of your brown wine? DON It’s whiskey, and no. Who’s next? UNKNOWN VOICE I believe it’s my turn. TYRION LANNISTER pushes through to the front of the crowd. TYRION We set the commercial in a brothel. Dozens of men and women cheer gleefully in a room filled with bountiful breasts and wine. Then, a mysterious man walks through the ... the ... what’s the word for it? The entrance to the brothel? HODOR Hodor!
TYRION Yes! That’s it! A man walks through the hoe door. He’s carrying small wooden box. The crowd goes quiet. What could possibly be in the box? They already have everything their hearts desire! The mysterious man slowly opens the box, revealing a stack of Lucky Strike “cigarettes,” and the crowd erupts with joy. Why, you ask? Because they’ve found the perfect cherry on top of their pleasure pies, a post coital cig. DON We’re getting closer, but you have to understand what our job really is. We’re not selling cigarettes, we’re selling a better life. People don’t know what they want, so
we have to tell them. Our ads have to tear them down, strip them of all defenses, bring them face to face with the most basic inadequacies of their existence, and then sell them the cure. The office goes quiet. DON Do you understand? BRONN How about we show tits? The office erupts in cheers as Don rolls his eyes. DON Goddammit, you people just can’t keep it in your pants.
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the madlib
my 4/20 adventure
For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremonious joint at Hole
Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.
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1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza