The Black Sheep
FRE E. ON .. LIKE AS UN C ATCH DAY IN MO G A B RNI UZ N G. Z
Brought to you by
The Booze News
Vol. 24, Issue 12
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
4/16/14 - 4/23/14
ALLEN HALL BOYCOTTS 4/20 FOR BEING TOO MAINSTREAM
RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS The effects of the drug are almost identical to marijuana, except that they include the added benefit of OutKast’s “Hey Ya” being played perpetually on loop in the user’s head. Possible side effects involve an excess of irony and potential reincarnation.
In an announcement made earlier this week, the residents of Allen Hall are boycotting this year’s 4/20 on the grounds that it is “too mainstream.” In lieu of lighting up, Allenites have decided to kill brain cells with a much more hip, up-and-coming drug: ironic cloud juice. The question of the hour is: Why? “Well, it was either this or woodchips,” said Allenite Richard Richard. “Weed is just too basic, you know? Wes Anderson would probably think it’s basic. Anything that Wes Anderson would think is basic is definitely too basic for me. Plus, Lana del Rey just sounds so good on ironic cloud juice.”
“Ironic cloud juice is my favorite. Personally, I only drink organic cloud juice from real clouds — the homemade stuff just isn’t as great,” said second floor resident Eileen Simpson. “Either way, it totally brings me to this elevated state where I can almost understand why Squidward blew up that one time after too many Krabby Patties. So cool. So ironic. Please validate me.”
This decision has garnered some surprised reactions from the community. “It’s pretty shocking that they’re doing this, considering that the dorm regularly emits the rosy scent of marijuana and artistic try-hards,” sighed University President Robert Easter. “Sorry, what?”
Naturally, this means that the resident advisers will have to work extra hard to ensure that the dorm’s substance-free rules are enforced. The Black Sheep spoke with Sarah Thompson, one of Allen’s fourth floor RAs, asking her to elaborate on her plan of action for 4/20.
Ironic cloud juice is primarily extracted through collecting the droplets that precipitate when clouds are feeling bloated. If clouds aren’t feeling ironic enough to be bloated, the juice can easily be concocted over the stove. A common recipe is to take a glass of water and boil it until it's finished boiling, then add marshmallow fluff to legitimize its cloud qualities. After that, it's traditionally poured into handmade gourds before it is consumed.
“Oh, those silly, silly kids,” she said, dropping a half-filled gourd to the ground. “Stop, come back!” she whispered as she chased the stationary “EXIT” sign above the staircase. In order to make the holiday all-inclusive, Allen Hall will have various ironic cloudthemed activities throughout the weekend. The dining hall is participating in the awareness of ironic cloud juice; everything on Sunday’s menu will incorporate cloud,
from ironic cloud juice chicken, ironically cloudy soup, ironic cloud with sriracha, and regular tofu cloud (for vegans). It will culminate with the esteemed guest speaker Steve the Cloud, who will give a lecture about the importance of staying in school, or something — the details are both hazy and irrelevant. Eventually, fire tongs will
be passed out, and the students will stab Mr. Cloud in a hands-on “Collect Your Own Juice!” activity. The only person who isn’t completely psyched about this is the Allen basement monster. In his native language of Morse code, he cried, “0111011 10111 10.” Rough-
ly translated, he said, “Dammit, here we go again. I’m not looking forward to leaving my room and having to chase stoned Allenites through the Jimmy John’s forest.” He can only hope that ironic cloud juice will make students run into a dumpster without his help, and thus, make the holiday less of a bitch to deal with.
PAGE 7
PAGE 9
PAGE 19
ROMANS 4:20
TOP 10: EASTER ACTIVITIES THAT ARE WAY BETTER HIGH
JESUS REVEALS RESURRECTION WAS JUST ONE OF MANY TRICKS
AND GOD SAID ‘LET THERE BE WEED’, AND THERE WAS.
THAT EASTER BUNNY SURE LOOKS A WHOLE LOT SCARIER NOW, HUH?
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com
TURN WINE INTO WATER? LOL.