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Volume 26
The Black Sheep
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Issue 14
ROBERT EASTER DEPLOYS MARVEL’S AVENGERS TO FIGHT CAMPUS CRIME The Gonz wrote this
The ragtag team of superheroes known as the Avengers are taking a break from fighting aliens for the time being. After the filming of The Avengers: Age of Ultron, there are no more bad guys worth fighting, at least until Iron Man 4 comes out. Now on hiatus between movie deals, the superheroes were looking for ways to spend time. In comes the fabled not-so-retired Robert Easter with a plan. The Avengers are going to fight UIUC campus crime. Hesitant at first, each of the Avengers made their way to campus to see what crime needed to be cleaned up. Not a ton, apparently. Hawkeye: Avenger of Misplaced Foodstuffs The first step was to completely stop littering. Naturally, the team is going overboard with crime prevention techniques. “I was about to throw my McDonald’s bag on the ground—obviously— and Hawkeye shot me with an arrow,” said local, David Long, with a look of surprise and conspicuously without an arrow wound. “Well, he didn’t shoot me, exactly. The arrow caught my trash and swooped it into a garbage can.” No one is sure how arrows are able to fly in a U-shape, but most of the trash gets into the bins instead of the ground, thanks to Mr. Hawkeye, who is perched on top of 309 Green. Iron Man: Avenger of Blinking-red Meters Another source of distress for the city is illegal parking. The meter maids work day and night to hand out tickets. Now, students will find that unpaid meters will be handled a different way. “I was walking back to my car,” said Eric Dodds, with excitement and singed eyebrows. “All of a sudden, Iron Man blasts my car with a goddamned energy missile. Sure it was cool, but I need a new car, I guess.” Perhaps overzealous, Iron Man has resorted to utterly destroying cars with expired meters. Thankfully, the number of unpaid meters has significantly reduced. Thor: Avenger of Trampled Pavement and Cracked Roadways
Wanting to help out, Thor started rebuilding roads that require much-needed attention. People are assuming that’s what’s going on, because Green, Wright, and 6th Streets are in rubble from Thor landing in those spots. Currently the roads are impassable, but assumedly they will be rebuilt better than before. Captain America: Avenger of Overall Communal Disposition Captain America appears to be fighting future crime by giving back to the community. The Captain has been seen doing volunteer work and playing Frisbee on the Quad with his shield. Black Widow (Natasha Romanoff ) has not been seen so far; people theorize that she and Robert Easter don’t get along too well. Apparently, President Easter’s past as a Russian spy left unresolved conflicts between him and Romanoff during their time working together in the KGB. Another possibility is that Black Widow is fighting the actual crime, indicated by the lack of
emails from the Chief of Police. Hulk: Avenger of Slowly Dilapidating Lungs Maybe the hardest campus policy to enforce is the no-smoking rule. Thanks to Bruce Banner, smoking on campus will no longer be a problem. “I invented an atmosphere-permeating drug that induces vomiting within the campus boundaries when people smoke,” said Dr. Banner. So, no Hulk smash? “No, just science. I’m not just a green brute, you rude-minded dolt.” The crime on UIUC’s campus does appear to be decreasing due to the presence of the Avengers, as well as the general disrepair of campus property. Hopefully, another alien attack will occur in New York so the students of UIUC can get back to their normal, crime-filled lives.
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