Illinois issue14 final by The Black Sheep

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Volume 26

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Issue 14

ROBERT EASTER DEPLOYS MARVEL’S AVENGERS TO FIGHT CAMPUS CRIME The Gonz wrote this

The ragtag team of superheroes known as the Avengers are taking a break from fighting aliens for the time being. After the filming of The Avengers: Age of Ultron, there are no more bad guys worth fighting, at least until Iron Man 4 comes out. Now on hiatus between movie deals, the superheroes were looking for ways to spend time. In comes the fabled not-so-retired Robert Easter with a plan. The Avengers are going to fight UIUC campus crime. Hesitant at first, each of the Avengers made their way to campus to see what crime needed to be cleaned up. Not a ton, apparently. Hawkeye: Avenger of Misplaced Foodstuffs The first step was to completely stop littering. Naturally, the team is going overboard with crime prevention techniques. “I was about to throw my McDonald’s bag on the ground—obviously— and Hawkeye shot me with an arrow,” said local, David Long, with a look of surprise and conspicuously without an arrow wound. “Well, he didn’t shoot me, exactly. The arrow caught my trash and swooped it into a garbage can.” No one is sure how arrows are able to fly in a U-shape, but most of the trash gets into the bins instead of the ground, thanks to Mr. Hawkeye, who is perched on top of 309 Green. Iron Man: Avenger of Blinking-red Meters Another source of distress for the city is illegal parking. The meter maids work day and night to hand out tickets. Now, students will find that unpaid meters will be handled a different way. “I was walking back to my car,” said Eric Dodds, with excitement and singed eyebrows. “All of a sudden, Iron Man blasts my car with a goddamned energy missile. Sure it was cool, but I need a new car, I guess.” Perhaps overzealous, Iron Man has resorted to utterly destroying cars with expired meters. Thankfully, the number of unpaid meters has significantly reduced. Thor: Avenger of Trampled Pavement and Cracked Roadways

Wanting to help out, Thor started rebuilding roads that require much-needed attention. People are assuming that’s what’s going on, because Green, Wright, and 6th Streets are in rubble from Thor landing in those spots. Currently the roads are impassable, but assumedly they will be rebuilt better than before. Captain America: Avenger of Overall Communal Disposition Captain America appears to be fighting future crime by giving back to the community. The Captain has been seen doing volunteer work and playing Frisbee on the Quad with his shield. Black Widow (Natasha Romanoff ) has not been seen so far; people theorize that she and Robert Easter don’t get along too well. Apparently, President Easter’s past as a Russian spy left unresolved conflicts between him and Romanoff during their time working together in the KGB. Another possibility is that Black Widow is fighting the actual crime, indicated by the lack of

emails from the Chief of Police. Hulk: Avenger of Slowly Dilapidating Lungs Maybe the hardest campus policy to enforce is the no-smoking rule. Thanks to Bruce Banner, smoking on campus will no longer be a problem. “I invented an atmosphere-permeating drug that induces vomiting within the campus boundaries when people smoke,” said Dr. Banner. So, no Hulk smash? “No, just science. I’m not just a green brute, you rude-minded dolt.” The crime on UIUC’s campus does appear to be decreasing due to the presence of the Avengers, as well as the general disrepair of campus property. Hopefully, another alien attack will occur in New York so the students of UIUC can get back to their normal, crime-filled lives.

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U OF I NARROWS FINAL LIST FOR A NEW MASCOT

WHO SAID IT: BROTHER JED OR YOUR GRANDPA?

THE BLACK SHEEP QUIZ

TOP 10: ESSENTIAL LESSONS WE'VE LEARNED AT U OF I

WHO NEEDS THE CHIEF WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE CHEF...RIGHT?

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THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

TO KILL SOME TIME.

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

BALDACLAVA Any item of clothing worn by a college male in an attempt to hide early signs of baldness. “Dylan wore his favorite Cubs hate with his suit to the frat formal because he needed a baldaclava to hide his embarrassing receding hair line.

DAISY DARRETT

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK? THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Graduation’s just coming up around the bend, and while I think tinkering with blink boards is fascinating and all… I don’t think electrical engineering was right for me all along. You’re a sage when it comes to advice, right? After all, you’ve been doing this for the better quarter of an undergraduate career. What should I do? Best, Some Nerd Who Probably Made Fun of You for Being an English Major Freshman Year Dear Prick-and-a-Half, Well, look who it is… Mr. “English? What are you going to do with English???” Dropping back in for some help this time, are you? So the whole “high and mighty” U of I engineering thing isn’t working out for you after all? Did you do some in depth soul searching while you wasted your weekends away studying why the hell that circuit board wouldn’t emit electric magic or whatever the hell those do? Oh, I don’t know… why ask the English major about life-changing career advice, huh? What would I know? …No, seriously. What would I know?

TO THE

EDITOR

Alright, bucko, since I’m feeling charitable today, I’ll humor you. That’s right, no nerd or virginity jokes at your expense. We’re both in our early 20s now, so if there was ever a time most appropriate to play adult, it’s now. Looking at the facts, you’re at the ass end of your undergrad, so unless you want to bum around this place for another two years just so you can find yourself in the same position as now, don’t bother with switching majors. You’re going to have a goddamned electrical engineering degree, you dolt. I may have botched up the math portion on my ACT, but Jesus Christ, man, I shouldn’t have to spell it out to you in saying that you’re pretty well off for the real world. You can literally do whatever your heart desires, and when your stunted social skills inevitably cause you to fail, you can slip right into a well-paying job looking at magnets or whatever you spent four years of your life doing. You’ll be fine. Unless you just plain suck at engineering, in which case, you’re just as screwed as I am. Make amends good brother, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

WE WANT JARED! COME ON!

UIUC NARROWS FINAL LIST FOR MASCOTS Skyla G wrote this

The race to be the face of the nationally-acclaimed “Drinking Illini” is finally drawing to a close. After a series of squirrel races and topless arm wrestling—all enforced by Chancellor Wise—five contenders have been chosen. With comments such as “this is as good as it’s going to get,” “it’s not racist anymore, guys!” and “f*ck it” all surrounding the possible mascots, UIUC is doing all it can to not be called out by Buzzfeed again. Check out the hot new list below! Chef Illiniwek: When asked about this possible mascot, faculty (and your $5,000 increase in tuition) all responded with two words: budget cuts. There’s no “I” in team, but there was one in “chief,” so administration decided to take a note from the Illini football team and cut it short. This mascot will be sporting an apron with the “I” crossed out of the word “chief” and a pot filled with the tears of our country's native ancestors. Squirrelem, the Cigar-Smoking Squirrel: Nothing screams “I’m a badass” more than being able to keep a large, brown cylindrical thing in your mouth. The university went with a cigar this time. Squirrelem isn’t your average campus squirrel, meaning he isn’t batshit crazy. Squirrelem wears a trench coat and a fedora that even he can’t completely pull off, and carries around a giant cigar that allows him to blow smoke towards the haterz. More importantly, he has both a drinking problem and war eyes. Did we mention Squirrelem is from the ‘50s? He’s seen some shit. The Redskins: When the administration chose this mascot, they hoped students had no access to history books, common knowledge about the formation of America, Google, or the professional team from Washington D.C. This

mascot is special, simply because the mascot changes each game, chosen from the student body. Any severely-burned, white student (from sunny days on the Quad) is given the honor to be the mascot for home games! (Almost) Jared from Subway: With the amount of Subways on campus, this mascot was a no-brainer. Obviously the man behind the one-liner, “I’ve got a foot-long that’s less than $5,” deserves to have his shine on-and-off the dinner table. Due to budgeting issues and the dead look in Jared’s eyes, the university decided to go with a new look for this mascot. Any engineering student with glasses and unfitted khakis gets to be the face of the university. “The Underground Railroad Lady”: Many suggestions were tossed around for the role of the newest mascot, but one in particular stood out. It had flare, passion, hope, and would hopefully give players an inspiration to run towards the goal like their lives depended on it. “The Underground Railroad Lady” would be symbol the school needs in a journey towards freedom from being owned on the field by its opponents. Testing for this one is expected to go through the roof, especially when students see the woman in a train suit hopping all around the field. There’s still some time to decide the newest mascot for the University of Illinois, but Chef Illiniwek has to have a sure-fire lead in the race! According to campus oﬃcials, they're hoping to make Chef Illiniwek a specialized sous chef to bring out more international students to games. While The Black Sheep can see the blaring social issue lines these ideas cross, the university will realize this when the next mascot gets booted in controversy and we do this thing all over again.

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The Black Sheep Quiz: Who said it? Illinois Baseball Completes 18 Ass Slaps in a Row Brother Jed or Your Grandpa

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

Freedom of speech does a lot of good for our country. It’s the reason why The Black Sheep exists, really. However, the consequence of letting people say whatever they want comes with a price. And that price is Brother Jed. He reminds us of a crazy Grandpa (ex: Abe Simpson from The Simpsons), maybe even yours! So, come on down The Black Sheep reader, you’re the next contestant on “Who Said It: Grandpa or Brother Jed?” “Summer is over, put your clothes back on!” Correct answer: Brother Jed He wants you girls to stop walking around in the nude like Adam and Eve. Even when it is 90 degrees out in Central Illinois, have some respect and go to church. “You take the bus to school? When I was your age, I walked to school uphill, both ways and in the snow!”

The Illinois baseball team has been on a roll in the month of April, completing 18 ass slaps in a row.

“This is just truly historic and so exciting,” senior outfielder Casey Fletcher told reporters after Saturday night's game. “There's nothing like going out there and fighting for nine innings side-byside with your brothers all just to get a piece of that ass after the game.” Correct answer: Your Grandpa Doesn’t every grandpa say this? Where did they go to school? No wonder they fought in the “Great War” instead of going to school. What a hassle to get an education. “I don't know how the whorehouses in this town stay open — all of you sorority girls are giving it away for free!” Correct answer: Brother Jed Yeah, that is a real quote from Brother Jed! This a legitimate concern for him, though. The whorehouses are a big part of the economy here on campus and if sorority girls are giving

things away for free, how can they stay in business? Maybe we’re finally starting to understand where this guy is coming from. “Masturbators today, homosexuals tomorrow.” Correct Answer: Brother Jed We take back everything we’ve said about Brother Jed. The guy's really nailed it here. It makes perfect sense. First you're grabbing your dick, then you're grabbing some dude's in that alley behind Red Lion. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but his logic is sound. - Diego Manischewitz wrote this

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The NCAA collegiate baseball rules state that when one team completes nine innings of play with more runs scored than the opposing team, that team gets to slap each others' asses on the field. Illinois' impressive ass-slapping streak has been enough to earn the team a top-10 ranking among collegiate ass slappers for the first time in school history.

“I've seen it all, man. I've slapped butt in Little League, I've slapped butt in high school. Hell, I even slapped a few butts in travel ball, but these are just some of the most motivated guys I've ever been around when it comes to slapping ass,” Jay said, rubbing cream on his sore bottom after the team's latest win. “Sure, your skin gets a little raw and all, but there's just something about it that makes us not want to stop. Call it an addiction, if you will, but we've been slapping ass for 18 games in a row now and we're not looking to stop anytime soon.”

“There's been a few times where we've been behind late and it looked like we weren't going to pull it out,” Fletcher said. “But then you just think to yourself, 'It's pretty cold out, I bet coach's ass is firm as a rock.' And then there's just no question about winning. You just have to.” Pitcher and MLB prospect Tyler Jay said this is one of the best ass-slapping streaks he's been on in his career.

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Kevin Mallin wrote this

Unconventional Allergy Remedies

It’s spring again! Plants are awakening from their icy stasis to bring color back to the world, and that means they’re going to be banging like crazy. Get ready for tons of pollen and little wispy things that float inside your ears and make you freak out like a dork because it feels like a bug landed on your back. If generic Claritin doesn’t pack the wallop it used to, try one of these more nuanced concoctions.

Hot Sauce and Gin: This anti-allergy recipe dates back to early 16th century. Simply take a pint glass, fill it up halfway with gin, and top the ol’ girl off with your favorite hot sauce. If you don’t have any on hand, just steal some from Chipotle. They’re probably cool with it at this point. Both components of this remedy work to fight allergy symptoms: the “heat” in hot sauce comes from capsaicin, a compound that opens up the blood vessels and will give your jammed sinuses some relief. The gin contains a compound known as “ethanol” which acts as a GABA inhibitor, making you forget how much this season sucks. Like, do you wear a jacket or not? It’s kind of chilly right now, but if it warms up later you’ll definitely be sweating in it, and what are you going to do with it then, wrap it around your waist like the biggest nerd in 5th grade? No thanks. Slam down a couple of these bad boys and you’ll be right as the rain you get stuck in on your way to class.

Plant Water: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” A phrase with more contractions than a pregnant woman, but no less true. Think about it, plants are making your day a living hell, but plants themselves never seem bothered at all. Ever see a plant that can’t stop sniﬄing in class (as if they’ve never heard of goddamn tissues!)? You haven’t, because plants are all basking in their weird stuff all day. If you need more proof, just sniff some plant water. Doesn’t smell very good, does it? These plants are hiding something from us, and we don’t know what. But they sure are being pretty defensive about their reeking water. Get one over on those pompous dicks by chugging as much of the stuff as you can stomach. It might help your allergies, or it might turn you into a plant/human hybrid, either option is better than sneezing 10 times in a row.

Flakes of Dead Skin: You might be asking how something dead can help you with anything, but that would make you a big dummy. When you eat a once-living thing (bugs, plants, animals), a fraction of their soul or essence is bound to your spirit forever. But be careful! Eating too much of one thing’s soul will have transformative effects; which is why many witch doctors believe some people look like animals. This is why a balanced diet is so important. If you’re suffering from allergies, eating enough dead human skin will increase your resistance to pollen by making you an extra-human, an “over man” of sorts. CAUTION: Most people become insane after ingesting dead skin flakes. Try to avoid becoming mad with power once in extra-human state.

The Black Sheep can’t give you some fancy guarantee that this will work for you. But we can pledge an oath of assurance that these remedies will definitely, 100% stop you from sniffling and sneezing… Or turn you into a plant/human hybrid the likes of which will baffle scientists for years to come.

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Opinion: There Should Be Even More Subways at UIUC Squirrel Man wrote this

There are four Subway restaurants on U of I’s campus (two of which are within two blocks of each other), and there are over a dozen Subways in Champaign-Urbana altogether. But if you ask me, we can do better. I believe there should be even more Subways at UIUC. It is our duty as American citizens to demand there be a Subway on every corner on campus. I don’t know about you, but I love eating sandwiches made by people who don’t try to hide the fact that they hate their jobs. That is why I want a whole bunch of Subways at my college. Oh, sure, you could argue that there are already more than enough Subways as it is. Well, I think there should be at least three Subways within your field of vision, no matter where you are in Chambana. Sometimes when I walk around campus, I go places where there aren’t any Subways and I begin to panic. I start to yell, “Where did all the Subways go?!” in a cold sweat. And then I find one two minutes later, and it becomes all good again. But I should never have to experience that sort of trauma. And I know what you’re thinking. “But Squirrel Man, why does it have to be Subway? There are a lot of Jimmy John’s restaurants around U of I as well, and I hear there’s even a Which Wich. Aren’t all sandwich restaurants pretty much the same?” Fuck you, no they’re not. You don’t know shit about sandwiches, hypothetical devil’s advocate. Does Jimmy John’s offer $5 footlongs that don’t actually cost $5? Does Jimmy John’s have Jared as their now-overweight spokesperson? I didn’t fucking think so. Were you aware that Subway opens nearly 1,000 new

stores per year? Were you also aware that there are more Subways in America than there are Starbucks and McDonald’s combined? It’s obvious that Subway is going to be the corporation that takes over the world and oversees a dystopian future. And I for one welcome our new Subway overlords. I’m happy to know that my children and grandchildren will be indebted wage slaves to the most powerful sandwich-making organization known to man. If U of I wants to be on the right side of history, they should lead the future by making the campus as Subway-friendly as possible. And I know what you’re thinking now. “But Squirrel Man, if Subway truly is taking over the world by monopolizing the market of healthy fast food, shouldn’t we try to stop them? Wouldn’t opening a bunch of new Subway restaurants indicate that we’ve surrendered our freedoms? Instead of accepting Subway’s world domination as inevitable, shouldn’t we at least do our best to support smaller sandwich franchises?” My response to all of those questions is no. John F. Kennedy once famously promised that America would send a man safely to the moon and back within a decade, and I think we at U of I should make a similar promise to ourselves to put a Subway restaurant in every building on campus within the next 10 years. While UIUC has a respectable number of Subways, we’re still not living up to our fullest potential. There are places on campus which are several blocks from the closest Subway. I know that if we put our minds to it, we can change the number of Subways in Chambana from “excessive” to “outright ridiculous.”

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HELP ME!

FRAT BRO LEFT HOME ALONE DURING FORMAL KT wrote this

THE TOP TEN

ESSENTIAL LESSONS WE’VE LEARNED AT U OF I In my four years, I’ve seen everything from girls shitting themselves outside Lion to guys puking in their seats during a lecture on Unofficial. So listen up, hobbits, I’m about to drop some essential senior knowledge on your domes. Here’s the top ten essential things you’re going to learn at U of I. 10.) Bring your i-Card to Every Exam: As if your test wasn’t nerve-racking enough, now you have some twenty-something frustrated doctorate student scrutinizing the awful ID picture you took during freshmen orientation. But that’s better than not bringing it! Forget your ID and the proctor reserves the right to taze you; just one of the many fail-safes to prevent cheating.

On the eve of a road trip to Nashville for formal, frat bro Kevin McLannister got too drunk and passed out in a random coat closet at his chapter house. His ride was leaving at 9 a.m. the next day, but hungover Kevin didn’t wake up until 1 p.m. Extremely disoriented and confused as to why he had been sleeping in a closet reserved exclusively for hazing pledges, McLannister stumbled over crumpled beer cans back to his room to check his phone. “KEVIN! Bro, where you at? The boozemobile is leaving soon man!” read a text from his friend MaxXx. As time passed and it got closer to the time everyone was leaving, MaxXx’s messages got more frantic and incoherent. “Kivin, I try to stall as much as I cud, we going toe Nashville now sry bro I culd only shotgun so many berz to huld dem of.” McLannister, however, was elated by the news of being left behind for formal. He finally had some goddamn peace and quiet. He started his day by heading downstairs for breakfast and was overcome with joy when he realized he got the good cereal that morning. After a healthy seven bowls of Cap’n Crunch, McLannister was on a sugar high so strong that he snooped in every room in the house. He spent the rest of his morning and a good part of the afternoon reading his brothers’ Playboy magazines, sniﬃng their cologne and reading their diaries. McLannister also took advantage of his time alone to finally rid the house of the pet tarantula one of his brothers kept. He flushed the spider down the toilet, feeling relieved. As McLannister was enjoying his time alone, his fraternity brothers became more-and-more upset that he wasn’t there. They couldn’t believe they left Kevin behind or that they left their doors unlocked without hiding anything in their rooms. A noble, teary-eyed group decided to turn the bus around and head back to Champaign, because they couldn’t stand the thought of him being home alone. McLannister had just taken a two-hour bubble bath and decided that it was time to put on real man’s aftershave. He stole a bottle of Jack from one of the brothers, and slathered it onto his hands and started slapping his face. The cries of pain escaping McLannister’s mouth were indescribable; everyone in Frat Park heard the screeches of what sounded like a dying squirrel in heat. After McLannister’s face finally cooled off, he heard a strange knock at the door. It was 7 p.m., he had no idea who could be coming to the house. Unsure of what to do because it was a pledge job to answer the door, McLannister inched toward it and let out a very timid, “Hello...?” He was greeted with the unmistakable screams of frat rats who drank too much at happy hour. McLannister rolled his eyes and walked away, but the door started to slowly open, and the girls entered. “I told yew I kno the pazcode, Becky,” slurred one of the drunken girls. “I kno everyone hear, lez go.” Unaware they hadn’t been invited to formal, the two girls stumbled through the house looking for guys to harass. McLannister wasn't going to let that happen, so he laid out booby traps throughout the house so they would leave. As they tripped over lamps and opened doors that led to bottles of Burnett’s being poured on their heads, the girls decided they had enough and headed towards the door. They were mere feet away when a pipe in the ceiling burst, and the flushed tarantula fell onto their heads, and they left screaming never to return. McLannister had a good laugh at all of the havoc he had wreaked, but felt empty inside without his brothers. Just as he was about to start crying, MaxXx and some of his other fraternity brothers returned home to surprise Kevin. He ran to embrace his bros. They were swapping stories from the long 10 hours they spent without each other, when a brother returned looking livid. “KEVIN,” the bro roared, holding up his open diary. “What did you do to my room?!”

9.) Don’t Walk in Front of MTD Buses: Because those fuckers really do not give a shit if they run you over. Imagine if your job was to sit on your ass all day, drive around campus, and deal with snobby suburban students who have never taken public transportation. You’d want to murder someone too. 8.) Espresso Royale is Better than Campus Starbucks: If you’re looking for a bitter cup of coffee made by an incompetent student who's just looking to pay off his bar tab, Starbucks is the place for you. Not only are their lines longer than T.I.S. during the first week of school, but it takes at least 20 minutes to make a single drink. Espresso has that edgy coffeehouse vibe with people who don’t need your name or a little sticker to get a drink order correct. 7.) Extra Time for a Nap? Take It: Self-explanatory, but more sleep is always better. Catching up Twitter gossip can wait an hour while you get yourself a little more rest. There’s really never a wrong time to take a nap. Like now! If you’re reading this, you probably have some free time. Take a break and snooze for a bit. 6. ) Blow-Off Classes Suck: What’s the point? Two credits? If you’re like a baby giraffe on ice-skates and hate hockey, don’t take an iceskating class. Take something you’re actually interested in instead of taking a class where both you and the professor are wasting each others’ time. 5.) Yik Yak Doesn’t Make You Cool in Real Life: Besides the fact that your witty remark will get recycled fifty times before the semester is over, your anonymous post about something on campus is as cool as a 13-year-old writing “GAY” in a YouTube comment. Sit down, you one-hit wonder. 4.) Befriend a Bouncer: Your bartender best friend may able to get you free drinks but that shit is useless if the line to get into Joe’s is longer than an Illini losing streak. Bouncers are the unsung heroes of the bars and the first line of defense against you and sweet intoxication. If you’re in with them, you’re golden. 3.) Sample the Bar Specials: How are you going to find out that you hate Blue Guys but love Long Islands from Brother’s unless you try absolutely every bar specialty drink? Take a tour of the famous U of I drinks. Consult your local bartender. Become a liquor connoisseur. Pretty sure that’s a major… 2.) Forgetting Your i-Clicker Will Ruin Your Day Think of all the things you could've accomplished in 50 minutes. That’s two Netflix episodes. But here you are with your thumb up your ass while everyone gets i-Clicker points in an otherwise pointless lecture. You might as well super glue it to your hand for the next four years. 1.) Use a Pseudonym when writing for The Black Sheep: I’m proud of my three years on the sheep squad. But my anonymity has allowed me to watch you all enjoy these shenanigans from the shadows, like Batman. Kat Vandelay wrote this

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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WED: 25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til Gone $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 14oz Flavored Long Islands $3 Shot List, $3 Captain

ILL ROCK BLOCK PARTY featuring BIG SEAN, GRAMATIK, MATOMA, KYLE and more outside on Oregon Street by Manolos Pizza! All Ages! 21 to Drink! Gates open at 2pm! www.illrockblockparty.com for more info! AFTERPARTY featuring PARTY FAVOR after at the Canopy!

TUES: Wine Night! Blackhawks vs WIld 7:30pm $8 Bottles of Wine $3 Jameson, $2 Wells

SAT: FIREHAUS YARD SALE! 2pm-6pm in Beer Garden! Get Discounted Package Liquor! Plus Blowing out Mugs, Shirts & more!

WEDNESDAY 4/29

25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til Gone $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 14oz Flavored Long Islands $3 Shot List, $3 Captain

SUMMER CAMP WEDNESDAYS $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas FREE Manolos Pizza from 9p-11p Chances to win tix to Summer Camp 2015! BONES JUGS N HARMONY LIVE!

WPGU and Clybourne present FRATTLE FINALS! Someone will win $1000 Tonight! Plus a Spot at PSG's ILL ROCK BLOCK PARTY!

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $1 SHOTS Karaoke at 10pm!

THURSDAY 4/30

$1 Mini Cherry Bomb, $1 Wells $2 Mini Jager Bomb $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Fireball Shots $4 32oz Long Islands, LIVE DJ!

MADEON with THE M MACHINE (Sold Out!)

THROWBACK THURSDAY $1 FIREBALL $2 UV Vodka

Bulls vs Bucks 7pm (Gm 6) NFL DRAFT 1st Round $1 WELLS $1 TACOs 4-10pm

FRIDAY 5/01

$3 Three Olives Specialty Drinks $1 Mini Cherry Bomb $2 Mini Jager Bomb $2 Double Wells, $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Domestic Bottles $4 32oz Long Islands

Summer Camp Scramble with WAY DOWN WANDERERS and ACOUSTIC ANONYMOUS

Open at 5pm Watch the Hawks vs Wild in the Lounge at 8:30pm! Free Grilled Cheese Starting at 6pm!

HAWKS vs WILD 8:30pm Red Bud Light on Tap! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Jim Beam

SATURDAY 5/02

$3 Bacardi Specialty Drinks $1 Mini Cherry Bomb $2 Mini Jager Bombs $2 Wells, $3 Domestic Bottles $4 Patron Shot $5 32oz Long Islands

$3 Jim Beam $3 Beam Fire Shots $3 Bud Bottles $4 Jager Bombs

Firehaus YARD SALE! Starts at 2pm Discounted Liquor & more! NFL DRAFT 11am Bulls vs Bucks (TBA)

Closed

Blackhawks vs Wild 7:30pm Red Bud Light on Tap! $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS Every Liquor..Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

SUNDAY 5/03

Closed

MONDAY 5/04

$2 Double Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Shot List $5 Domestic Pitchers

HAVE YOU GOT YOUR #ILLROCK TICKETS YET?

Closed

Watch the NBA Playoffs Here! Pop Culture Trivia Night 7:30pm $1 Bud Light Drafts $2 Goose Island 312 Drafts

TUESDAY 5/05

$1 Wells, $1 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft/Import Drafts $2 Calls: Captain, Beam, Bacardi, Fireball, Cuervo $3 32oz Long Islands

SOMO

Wine Night! Blackhawks vs WIld 7:30pm $8 Bottles of Wine $3 Jameson, $2 Wells

BLACKHAWKS vs WILD 7:30pm $2 Red Bud Light Drafts $6 UV Sharkbowls $2 WELLS HALF PRICE BURGERS 4-10pm

SUMMER CAMP WEDNESDAYS $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas FREE Manolos Pizza from 9p-11p Chances to win tix to Summer Camp 2015! BONES JUGS N HARMONY, CHURCH BOOTY and FLACCID!

FRATTLE VICTORY LAP with Captain Morgan! Frattle Winner DJ's Tonight! Meet the National Captain Morgan! $3 Jager Bombs

Reading Day Eve! No Class on Thursday Bud Mug Night KARAOKE at 10pm!

WEDNESDAY 5/06

25¢ Wings 8pm ‘til Gone

$1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 14oz Flavored Long Islands $3 Shot List, $3 Captain

WHY RENT AN OLD PLACE?

NEW CONSTRUCTION APTS. AVAILABLE! BRAND NEW TWO | THREE BEDROOM UNITS STILL AVAILABLE!

WAIVED APPLICATION FEE! MENTION GREEN SHEEP AND SAVE $20! SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT! VISIT GREENSTREALTY.COM OR CALL US AT 217-356-8750

DOWNTOWN

WOW! SUCH DEALS!

SUNDAY: $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

SAT: De Noche Salsa Night $6 Beer & Shot, $5 LITs, $3 Mexican Beers and Rum & Colas

TUES: 8th Grade Dance w/ Backstreet Boys

Craft Beer Thursdays! 50% Off Bottles from Each Featured Region!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Get free cover for you and 20 friends on your birthday Email us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

WEDNESDAY 4/29

$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Live Music Every Thursday!

Craft Beer Thursdays! 50% Off Bottles from Each Featured Region!

THURSDAY 4/30

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney Spinning Live at 10PM

Raise money for your RSO, team or club Email joesbrewery@gmail.com

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY 5/01

Catch all the games at Guido's!

De Noche Salsa Night $6 Beer & Shot, $5 LITs, $3 Mexican Beers and Rum & Colas

Senior Brunch Every Saturday 3-9

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

SATURDAY 5/02

$5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Sunday Funday

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

SUNDAY 5/03

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MONDAY 5/04

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

8th Grade Dance w/ Backstreet Boys

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

TUESDAY 5/05

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Get free cover for you and 20 friends on your birthday Email us at joesbrewery@gmail.com

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

WEDNESDAY 5/06

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

WOW! WOW! WOW! WOW!

KAM'S

SPECIAL NIGHT

SAT: MAKERS MARK DERBY PARTY! Open at Noon $3.50 Makers Drinks & Juleps $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys

MONDAY: Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Watch the Hawks Here!

WEDNESDAY 4/29

Frattle of the DJs FINALS! 6 DJs compete for $1,000 Prize $2 Bud Lt Platinum, Bud Girls! $3 UV Blue Guys, FREE PIZZA $2 Fireball and Dr Shots

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day: $6 Pitchers of

Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2.50 Domestic Beers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles

FRIDAY 5/01

Smirnoff Sours Lip Sync Contest 6-8PM! $2 Smirnoff Sour Shots $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $3 24oz Lite/CL Cans, $4 Blue Guys HAWKS GAME 1: 8:30PM!

BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints

SATURDAY 5/02

MAKERS MARK DERBY PARTY! Open at Noon $3.50 Makers Drinks & Juleps $3 32oz Lite/CL Drafts $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$3 Goose Island Family

SUNDAY 5/03

Sunday Funday $2 U Call Its HAWKS GAME 7:30PM

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts

MONDAY 5/04

Trivia Monday! $2 U Call Its

Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

Bingo Night $4.50/$3.50 Mighty Mugs of PBR and Hamms

TUESDAY 5/05

CINCO DE MAYO PARTY! 10 Mexican Beers, 10 Tequilas Big Margaritas Burrito Eating Contest at 10! Hawks Game at 7PM!

No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

$2 Tall Boys Goldﬁsh Racing at 10!

WEDNESDAY 5/06

The "Captain Moran" Returns! Get Your Pic w/ The Captain $3 Captain Drinks $2 Bud Platinum Bottles Join us for the Captains Toast!

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Logo Glass Day: Miller Lite $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

THROWBACK SENIOR NIGHT

THURSDAY 4/30

No Cover 21+ & DJ Jimmy $4 Blue Guys & Bacardi Drinks $3 Blue Moon Drafts NFL Draft & Bulls Game at 6!

REDUCED RATES ON ALL REMAINING UNITS! 1/2 OFF SECURITY DEPOSITS ON ONE | TWO | THREE BEDROOM UNITS STARTING AT $315 / PERSON!

ZERO DOWN ON ALL FOUR & FIVE BEDROOM UNITS UNITS STARTING AT $270 / PERSON!

WAIVED APPLICATION FEE! MENTION GREEN SHEEP AND SAVE $20! SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT! VISIT GREENSTREALTY.COM OR CALL US AT 217-356-8750

THESE BAR SPECIALS WILL RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY! FRIDAY: Open at Noon Cubs vs Brewers 1:20pm Grilling Out at 2pm! Blackhawks vs Wild 8:30pm

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

SAT: Dos de Mayo Party! $1 Tacos $2 Margaritas $3 El Jimador Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 DR. Fire Drinks!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 4/29

SHACKER NIGHT $1 Lime-A-Rita 16oz Cans! (3 Flavors to Choose From) $2 Hot Stuff

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

THURSDAY 4/30

Open at Noon Cubs vs Brewers 1:20pm Grilling Out at 2pm! Blackhawks vs Wild 8:30pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

FRIDAY 5/01

Cubs vs Brewers 1:20pm Great Beer Garden Weather!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Dos de Mayo Party! $1 Tacos $2 Margaritas $3 El Jimador Shots

SATURDAY 5/02

Book your next Event at Red Lion! Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

SUNDAY 5/03

Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS $2 Hot Stuff $2 Bud Bottles

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

MONDAY 5/04

SENIOR NIGHT! $2 WELLS, $2 Bud Light $2 Long Islands

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

TUESDAY 5/05

$4 Cruzan Buckets $2 DR. Fire Drinks!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

WEDNESDAY 5/06

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PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS

WHAT’S THE CUTEST ANIMAL YOU’D EAT? ERIC L.

“A unicorn, for the ability to shit rainbows.”

MICHAEL S. “A baby panda. I’ve always wanted Chinese food.”

ELENA W.

“I don’t eat meat, fuck you.”

BARTENDERS OF THE WEEK

LINNEA JOE'S

Relationship Status: I stick with the rebounds. Major: Procrastinating Favorite Drink: Green Line Favorite Shot: Anything off of Jenna Leitner’s tits Disgusting Drink: Anything that’s not in my eye. What kind of liquor would you swim in? Whiskey ‘cause it makes me frisky. How are you better than a robot bartender?: My boobs are real. What activity would you hope to find at summer camp for college students?: Drunk eating. What song will be remembered as the song of summer 2015?: “Trap Queen”. By Fetty Wap Five words of advice for studying for finals: Hourly cocktails prove better results. What will be this summer’s defining fashion item?: Bathing suits only. If not the Quad, where should seniors streak?: Roland Pool, because everyone does. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause I’m in it.

ISIAH MURPHY’S

Relationship Status: Single Major: Bio-Engineering Favorite Drink: Mai Tai Favorite Shot: Pineapple Cake Disgusting Drink: Black olive vodka drinks Given the opportunity, what kind of liquor would you swim in?: Amaretto. How are you better than a robot bartender?: Because he comes with jokes. What activity would you hope to find at summer camp for college students?: Bags What song will be remembered as the song of summer 2015?: “Four Five Seconds” by Rihanna Five words of advice for studying for finals: Don’t overthink what you’re doing. What will be this summer’s defining fashion item?: Bedazzled bikinis. If not the Quad, where should seniors streak?: Senior City, everyone’s a senior so they’ve seen their shit. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: They show the specials of the week!

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BIKINI BOOZIN’

BEEFY BURRITO

Since Mother Nature is finally giving us consistently good weather, you can find the majority of campus hanging out at a pool. You know, a cramped one filled with as much chlorine as there are used Band-Aids. We’re going to make laying out at the pool a bit more fun than usual. What You’ll Need: Your bathing suit, booze, and beach bod. The latter’s entirely optional, since there’s no way in hell you kept that going after spring break. Number of Players: 2+, you and the girls you’re laying out with. Level of Intoxication: You won’t realize that tan is actually a sunburn. Pink, orange… what’s the difference? SUMMER. How to Play: Take 1 drink… -For every triangle bikini you see. No, don’t stop. May as well keep on going. -Every time some dude cannonballs and splashes everybody. -When said gentleman realizes no one outside of middle school gives a shit about cannonballs anymore.

Take 2 drinks… -For every person’s beach body that isn’t quite beach ready… -If you see a girl actually in the pool and not worrying about her tan. -For anybody who’s passed out and veering on the whole second-degree burn, red lobster bandwagon.

Finish your drink… -If there are no chairs available! Time to go home! The Game Ends When: You pass out and wake up with the worst sunburn of your life. PCB won’t save you now, pally.

With the semester coming to a close soon and the sun shining on the regular, there’s no better time to whip up a massive burrito. Who even has the time to wait in that line for one of those? Follow this recipe to make a meaty burrito quick enough to make and eat in front of your foolish friends waiting in the Chipotle line. What You’ll Need: Ground beef, tortillas, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. Fatty Factor: This burrito can certainly feed a whole family, but this one’s just for you, yourself, and Yaakov. So, you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a skillet on the stovetop, turn the heat on medium, and throw your ground beef in it. Season the sunnuvagun with salt and pepper. -Dice the tomatoes up and chop the lettuce, careful not to chop your fingers. Playing adult is hard, isn’t it now? -Don’t forget about the meat on the stovetop! Stir it occasionally until it’s cooked all the way through. -Once it’s cooked, it’s time to assemble your burrito. Start with your tortilla and just kind of toss all that shit in there. -Add a couple spoonfuls of guac (be generous) and sour cream. -Wrap your burrito like you’ve seen the employees do it… like a giant, hastily-prepared taco… Now you’ve got one of the biggest and best burritos in campustown without having to stand in line or deal with all the basics. Be sure to stay by a bathroom because large quantities of Mexican food run through your intestines very quickly.

BOOZE REVIEW SVEDKA Grapefruit Jalapeño Vodka

Grade: Literally what???

The end is nigh. In just a couple short weeks, your ol’ pal Tex Mex won’t be around to vicariously dictate your selection in poison anymore. So, to commemorate my impending ascension into Valhalla (the south suburban Mex residence), we’re going to go out with a bang with an elixir that… Jesus, man, I don’t even know. SVEDKA threw a grapefruit and a jalapeño in a burlap sack together and let them fool around for a bit. The result: Something good that shouldn’t be good but like, totally is… Smells Like: Like a famed pepper rancher decided to diversify his market share one year by introducing grapefruit, of all fruits. Sounds good on paper, but you’re better off shrugging your shoulders in a “huh” motion than taking a whiff. Tastes Like: The burn of mid-shelf vodka plus a bonus burn of bottom-shelf liquid jalapeño extract! Finally, someone just gets it!

Tex Mex Wrote This

Typical Drinkers: - Those transfixed by the allure of a bottle of liquid that should totally be lemon-lime, not whatever bastardized food group SVEDKA’s got going on here. - Partygoers looking for Latin American flair without choking on the swill that is Cuervo (you damn well deserve the sting, Kyle. That’s your own goddamn fault).

- Nervous SVEDKA brand reps tasked to taste test the liquor in front of prospective customers, full well knowing the flavormaking execs have gone batshit insane. - Purveyors of boredom, which is essentially how we got ahold of it. User Comments: - “Oh, honey… literally what in the frick is this?” - “Why do I reward myself with a burn on top of another burn? That’s like, counterintuitive.” - “This should be bad. WHY ISN’T THIS BAD???” You'll Like This if You Like: Taking risks. Not like, “Maybe I’ll try a honey mustard instead of regular on my footlong today,” risks. We mean like, “PAIN IS AN ILLUSION AND TRAFFIC AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME,” risks. Best Described as a Quote from its Inception at SVEDKA HQ: “Oh, shit. I didn’t think the dart would ever actually land on that one…” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Taco Bell, ghost peppers, quantum mechanics We Mixed With: RC, knockoff lemon-lime carbonated refreshment, the inevitable heat death of the universe.

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Graduating English Major Lands Job at English Factory Tex Mex wrote this

Against all odds, senior English major Daniel Carruthers publicly announced on his Facebook that he had accepted a job offer at a nearby English factory. “I’m ecstatic to announce that I’ll be moving to St. Louis this summer to take on an exciting opportunity as a junior poetry analyst at the English factory,” read Carruthers’ status update already with 80+ “likes” and counting. “It’s been a long, hard four years, and plenty naysayers along the way said it couldn’t be done… but look at that. Looks like English majors can get jobs after all!” Carruthers, who had suppressed urges to shift his liberal arts focuses to law and secondary education throughout the entirety of his collegiate career, claimed he discovered the opportunity with relative ease. All it took was a simple Google search in between chapters of James Joyce’s Ulysses, a novel for class that, even well into the second semester of his senior year, he still intended to read in full. “Yeah, it’s pretty much just ‘X’ major and then ‘factory,’” Carruthers explained as he detailed the results of his apparently fruitful job search. “I mean, what else were people doing for jobs, using I-Link? That’s absurd. How was I supposed to find a job related specifically to the field of English if U of I barely covers those resources? What, you think I’m just going to give you my interpretation of the black diaspora within Native Son for free?” A junior poetry analyst is just one of several esteemed positions within the English factory located in St. Louis. Other professions within the factory include associate metaphor interpreter, assistant thesis coordinator, and even senior self-importance technician, a position involving the continuous release of hot air within the

factory’s confines in case employees become disillusioned to the importance of their work. Having said all this, it comes as no surprise that Carruthers’ accomplishment has proven controversial for those who have been searching for what they’ve been considering “real” jobs within their own searches for post-undergrad careers. Upon seeing Carruthers’ status breach the 150 “likes” landmark, senior engineer Donnie Bingham’s blood curdled. “You’ve got to be shitting me, right?” questioned a noticeably upset Bingham as he sat at his Lenovo ThinkPad waiting for his Gmail to refresh with spontaneous job offers. “I’ve given Carruthers shit for choosing such a professionally inept major ever since I caught him rereading Gatsby at the dining hall our freshman year. How in the hell is there literally a factory for English majors to work at, and I’m sitting here waiting for engineering firms to pine for me? This doesn’t make sense… THIS ISN’T THE NATURAL ORDER.” While some like Bingham threw passive aggressive tantrums, others questioned the validity of an English factory in the first place. After all, what exactly does one do at an English factory? What services are being provided? “…I mean, I’m analyzing poetry,” a confused Carruthers explained as he browsed Craigslist listings for his new life in sunny St. Louis. “That’s literally what the job description is, and I’ve been studying how to do that for like, what, four years now? Why is it so hard for people to wrap around their heads that I’m just doing what my major prepared me for?”

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

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Fratman Begins Brad Kane did not join a fraternity his first semester freshman year. Kane thought that he would still be able to live a social life and get into every party. When he tried to get into one recently, a crazy frat brother pushed him and yelled, “Who do you know here?” Kane knew no one at the party. That moment became the turning point in his life. Kane went missing until he was seen one year later when he joined the Omega Epsilon fraternity. He was no longer Brad Kane at parties; he became “Fratman.” Fratman wears a Batman mask, talks in a deep, intimidating voice and is known for his famous phrase, “Who do you know here?” He didn't have many enemies until he met his bane. No, not “Bane,” you smartass. This guy’s name was the Toker. The Toker was a huge pot-

REPORT: Big Sean Has Been Performing With an Ariana Grande Blow-Up Doll At Recent Shows Jupiter Stevens wrote this

Ever since Big Sean and Ariana Grande's recent breakup, the 27-year-old hip-hop artist has been acting strange. First, it all seemed weird when he started booking shows in odd places like Urbana, Illinois and Shakopee, Minnesota, but then it just got straight-up creepy when he began performing with a blow-up doll resembling his ex-girlfriend at recent shows. head with green dreadlocks and a Bob Marley shirt. The Toker tried to get into the frat’s biggest party of the year, but he was stopped at the door by the one and only Fratman. “Who do you know here?” Fratman said. “Duuuude, why so serious Fratman?” said a clearly high Toker. “Some people just want to watch the world burn,” Fratman said. “Or in this case,

burn your joint, Toker.” Toker tried to bribe him with weed to get into the party and Fratman, similar to Batman, used his only superpower: the power of calling the police. The Toker was arrested soon after.

It all started at a recent show in Sayreville, New Jersey when the rapper came out to start his show, but stopped his DJ soon after the music started. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Big Sean said, waving his hands at his DJ to pause the track. “Hold up, man. This...this just don't feel right. Man, nothing feels right...”

As the cop car drove away with the Toker, Fratman said, “I’m not the hero this campus needs, but the one it deserves. Now lift me up for a keg stand.”

Then, Big Sean left the stage and returned a few minutes later while blowing up the Grandelike inflatable doll. “That....that's better,” Big Sean whispered, brushing his hand across the inflatable doll's hair.

Diego Manischewitz wrote this

Big Sean put his microphone back on its stand and walked away, while the set continued on

with a grueling 40-minute slow dance between the rapper and the blow-up doll. Big Sean was seen talking in the doll's ear, but his words were inaudible after dropping the microphone at the beginning of the set. “I think I saw him mouthing the words, 'I'm sorry, I love you,'” one audience member told reporters after the event. “He was clearly crying and everything. It was a mess.” Those attending the show in Urbana on May 3 are advised to come prepared for “one of the strangest nights of their lives.”

this Saturday:

dos de Mayo party! $1 Tacos All Day $2 Margaritas $3 El Jimador shots

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

510 East John Street • Champaign, Illinois

A BLACK SHEEP SPECIAL REPORT

PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS

Important April Update: Presidential Candidates and Campaign Strategies With the presidential election over a year away, heavy campaigning is far from underway, but early signs of the road to the presidency are starting to show. Here are six nominees and a little bit of background on them and their campaigns.

Elizabeth Warren, D., sen. Mass.

Hillary Clinton, D., former sen. and sec. of state

One of the first candidates to announce and commonly believed to be the inevitable Democratic nominee, Clinton is building a very strong campaign, to what many believe may lead to the first female president. “There is still a lot of adversity facing women in America today,” said Clinton in a press conference on Thursday. “I hope that, by being a strong female leader, I can help the women in the country today in the fight for equality.”

At lunch in Meckelnberg Middle School in Washington D.C., Liberal America was sitting at lunch, eating his sandwich, when he looked up. For the third time that day, he made eye contact with Elizabeth Warren, the cutest girl in the whole seventh grade.

That day in gym class, Liberal America went up to Elizabeth. “Hey, um, Elizabeth. Um, I was just wondering if… like I don’t know maybe if… maybe you’d like to like maybe run for the presidency while representing my values?”

“Hey, Moderate America, I have a question,” said Liberal America to his friend sitting next to him.

“Like, the presidency of the United States?” she replied.

“But really,” she continued, “I was kind of hoping for more sexist comments. Like obviously I appreciate people being respectful, but like, I was looking to really easily shut down all the sexist congressmen who would have inevitably spoken up twenty years ago.”

“What’s up, Liberal America,” he replied.

The effect of such a limited response to Clinton’s announcement is yet undetermined. “I’m not sure if Hillary will have enough male tears to sustain herself if this continues at this rate,” said campaign manager Brian Gabbert. “All throughout her time as a senator, there was a heavy patriarchy in the air. It kept her going. And currently, our Patriarch-O-Meter is reading at all-time lows.”

“Dude, there’s no way she’d say yes. She’s like the most popular girl in the school. What makes you think she even knows who you are?”

“However, the inevitable debates on birth control and abortion should bring us to normal levels,” continued Gabbert. “You can always depend on some representative from Kentucky or Arkansas saying something about how female bodies can shut things down, or how virgins don’t need birth control, or something of considerable ignorance to get her going again.”

Rand Paul, R., sen. Ken.

“Do you think I should ask Elizabeth to run for president of the United States?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” “Do you like her?” “I don’t know. I guess. I just like how she’s really cool, and doesn’t really care what people think about her. I also like her no-nonsense indictment of the income gap both as a result of the subsidy of large corporations with little support for the minimum wage as well as the little done to combat the gender pay gap with proactive social change. Or whatever, like she’s kind of cute but I don’t really care.” “I mean like you might as well try it,” said Moderate America.

“I mean, I guess,” he responded. “Um I’m going to the mall today with some friends so I’m busy.” “So… you don’t want to run for president?” “No, I’m sort of in this thing with the United States congress right now, it’s complicated.” “Oh okay… I’ll see you later then.” “Yeah. I mean, like, maybe… if it doesn’t work out with congress, like I don’t know….” “Like, maybe you’d….” “Yeah, maybe.” “Okay yeah. Maybe.” “Maybe.” “Maybe?” “Maybe.”

Ted Cruz, R., sen. Tex. Rand Paul, son of famous presidential candidate Ron Paul, is also expected to be a major player in the election after announcing his candidacy in early April. “Presidential candidacy runs in the family,” he said. “Actually getting elected doesn’t. We’re like the Kennedys, but much less successful.” Paul also got into some controversy after he shushed a female reporter in February and then talked over another female reporter conducting an interview with him two weeks ago. “I feel great about my campaign. My greatest weakness isn’t my platform, or my likeability, but rather my tendency to completely disregard women. Now my greatest worry is making an ass of myself at a debate when responding to a female candidate.”

Ted Cruz is a senator known for his aggressive actions in congress; his campaign is focusing on highlighting those accomplishments. “As a congressman, my fellow Republicans and I shut down the government! We filibustered every bill! And we blocked every nomination!” he said at a fundraiser last week. “When I am elected president I will continue to not run the country the way the founding fathers didn’t intend. I plan to not get things accomplished. Do we need change in this country? Absolutely. Will I do my best to not accomplish it? You have my word.”

Paul is very excited to bring the libertarian position to the election. The movement has gained popularity in recent years, and Paul is the first major candidate who identifies as libertarian. “I hope to bring my political views to the debate,” he said when announcing his candidacy, “and then totally distancing myself from those views to appeal to Republican voters so I can get nominated.”

Cruz has been secretive about some of the details of his campaign. “We’re looking to run an aggressive season to get elected to not put in work for this country,” he said. “Currently we don’t have a campaign slogan which isn’t ‘Stop Other People from Passing Bills,’ and we are not looking to not spread it around not the social media where many of our young voters aren’t. Thank you; I’m not not taking any more questions.”

Chris Christie, R., gov. NJ

A big issue for the governor of New Jersey is what he’ll do about his current job in his home state, a state that he loves that currently loves him back with a thirty-eight percent approval rating. Yet another issue is his weight; like race and gender, this seemingly ridiculously unimportant aspect of his appearance has actually become an issue of contention among voters. However, he may have found a solution for both of these issues, as he revealed at that same press conference that his recent effort to lose weight is actually a method to collect his body fat to create a second Chris Christie. The New Jersey governor says he first conceived of the idea during his hectic coverage of Hurricane Sandy. “It seemed I had to always be two places at once. This seemed like a logical solution,” Christie said at the press conference. “I can be president in Washington, and I my carbon copy can be governor in Trenton, where I’ve been phoning it in for the past two years anyway.” Christie speculates that his copy will be ready for full animation by election season. The new Christie is said to be a total genetic clone, similar to MiniMe and Dr. Evil in the popular Austin Powers movies, although Christie’s clone will also be morbidly obese. Already, the new Christie is gaining some consciousness, learning basic motor skills and linguistics. At the end of the press conference, the mass of body fat, hair clippings, semen, and fecal matter was wheeled out onto the stage to answer questions. “Chris Christie grow stronger every day. Chris Christie feed,” sputtered the semi-liquid shapeless mass of human waste, spewing a putrid mush out its mouth-hole with every syllable. “Other Chris Christie go be president, me Chris Christie be New Jersey Governor. Chris Christies take over the world,” said the semi-human pulp in a spectacle one observer called “James Gandolfini being reincarnated as Jabba the Hutt.” “Chris Christie need love. Chris Christie horny. Hnnngggghhhh…” the ever-growing monster of science gone too far moaned as it was wheeled off the stage by a hunch-backed intern. Christie, the human, is expected to have an aggressive campaign should he run in 2016, citing his party endorsements, his impressive record as governor, and an extensive use of a plastic sweat-collection suit that he wears while climbing up a StairMaster, with the end feeding into his waste-blob’s mouth, as it maniacally cackles.

Joe Biden, D., VP

“Hey Joe, have you decided what you’re going to do about that whole presidential candidacy thing?” said Bill Clinton while grabbing another slice of pizza. “Oh shit, I totally forgot about that!” responded Uncle Joe while packing another bowl. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t really care that much anymore.” “Dude, honestly? Kind of overrated,” said Bill while being handed the bong he bought when they went to Myrtle Beach back in ’95. “Are you seriously high again?” yelled Hillary as she marched into the van Buren lounge. “We have to be at a fundraiser in two hours.” “Dude see what I mean?” added Bill while getting up. “Pound it,” he added.

spot the difference!

Can you find the 8 differences? If so, email us at spot@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

DELECTABLE DESSERTS CROSSWORD

ACROSS: 6) This kind of cake is a traditional substitute for wedding cake in the Appalachia area of the United States. 10) This fruit salad contains, amongst other fruits, pineapple, mandarin oranges, mini marshmallows and coconut. 11) This french, frozen dessert is layered with yogurt and fruit, amongst others. 13) A small cake baked into an ice cream cone is called a what? 15) This traditional camping treat has itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s own special day in the United States, celebrated yearly on August 10. 16) This Southwestern pudding is made from ground sprouted wheat and piloncillo. 19) Gooey Butter cake is a flat and dense cake traditionally made in this midwestern city. 20) This cake is made by pouring batter into oil in a circular pattern and then deep frying. 21) Bananas Foster originated in which American city? 22) This cobbler-like dessert has sweetened crumbs in the layers between fruit, two words.

2) This type of pie is also called a black moon or gob. 3) Fried Coke was introduced in 2006 in which state? 4) Gummy worms are often added on top of this kind of dessert. 5) A king cake often has a plastic what inside? 7) This sponge cake made a comeback in the United States in the summer of 2013. 8) Devilâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s food cake is darker than other chocolate cakes by the additional use of this ingredient, two words. 9) This small cake is made from ground almonds, coconut, sugar and egg white. 12) This cake gets it color from adding beetroot or food coloring, two words. 14) German chocolate cake is traditionally topped with what kind of frosting? 17) This pudding is notably mentioned in a verse in the song Yankee Doodle. 18) The most popular gelatin dessert, which also doubles as a delicious alcoholic shot.

DOWN: 1) A boston cream pie is actually not a pie, but a what?

The Cartoon

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