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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 4: Interplanetary Sex

page 5

Find out what your scaly, tentacled lover really wants between the sheets.

page 5: Students needed for new iClicker Creation

page 6

Need experience working with plutonium.

page 6: Ask Qaarg

Relationship Advice from everyone's favorite gelatinous miscreant.

page 8: Yellowstone National Park Destroyed Glorious city of Zinquin replacing it.

page 9: Predictions for Upcoming Homicideball Season Twice as many beheadings!

Table of

page 16: T.U.I (Teleporting Under the Influence)

Who new instantaneously transporting your body's molecules could be so dangerous?

page 18: First Openly Gay Robot Senator Elected to Hover Congress Is it a choice, or was he programed that way?

page 19: Scientists Give Up Debate On Chicken and the Egg Who cares anymore?

Page 21: Hologram Dramas to See this Season Moviestar Snorman Xin is sure to surprise us all!

page 19

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine | Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page 4

theblacksheeponline.com

a guide to

Interplanetary Sex

quatty scratt wrote this

all, just enlarged bumps on their lower backs called clorgs. When the Salurnians rub their clorgs together, the area heats up to an unimaginable temperature until the creature reaches climax, called a roorlian. Since us Earth-dwellers don’t have the pleasure of having clorgs, researchers are still looking into the most efficient way to climax with these creatures. So far they have found that human females who rub their clitori against the raised region are experiencing the most pleasure.

If it wasn’t for the recent legalization of interplanetary sexual relations between us and our Milky Way neighbors, most of us would be clanging around with the old nuts and bolts that we’ve grown really sick of. Now we have the opportunity to probe for possible prospects and expand our erotic experiences with aliens from completely different solar systems! But this could be a little intimidating; after all, mankind doesn’t really know what’s beyond our safe, Earthy threshold. Should we expect tentacles, exploding goo (oh wait, we already have that), or slimy martian fingertips? Thank goodness for science, right? Researchers have been cracking down on all of our questions about having sex with our monsters from another mother.

Sure, there are some downsides. Excessive tentacles can make some seemingly harmless creatures a bit too touchy, and they do make gagging a whole lot easier.

The most common concern: should we be prepared for tentacles or not? The answer is yes, you should definitely expect them. But don’t be afraid; use these protrusions to your advantage. An alien who can maneuver his extremities in just the right way makes every single hook-up feel like you’re in the middle of a raging orgy.

Plus, some of the slimy pus found on the end of tentacles and fingertips make lube a thing of the past.

One of the disappointing facts found within this interplanetary research is that most of the beings out on these other planets pack quite a stench. You can’t expect those Xequatorian gases to smell like daisoid oil. That being said, bathtube sex is a definite possibility with your new intragalactic booty calls. Unless, of course, the creature you’re pursuing hails from the Axlon quadrant. Their bodies are composed mainly of sodium compounds, causing them to expand and explode when exposed to water. In that case, there really isn’t much else you can do except hold your breath and go to town.

For millennia human beings have been trained to shove their wing-wangs in the hoo-hahs or the bum-bums, of the same species. Things get a little bit tricky, however, when one crosses planetary lines. Researchers have discovered various types of entry holes in super-solar beings. For example, when it comes to the inhabitants of Sigma Warstilan XI, the small planet found in a solar system just north of Orion’s Belt, scientists have found that they have small openings in the middle of their faces called obifices.

These openings are similar to our nostrils, and they enlarge when sexually aroused . This feature makes double penetration even more exciting! On the other hand, Salurnians have no openings at

And what’s the deal with manscaping? Well, just like here on Earth, it really depends on the person. But also like here on Earth, if you keep the mane, you gotta keep it tame. Nobody likes finding unknown planetary pubes in places they should never be.

Researchers have actually found that Kooridians, from Popton’s moon, Wagron, don’t grow hair on any parts of their bodies, promising a smooth landing strip for your red rocket in any opening that you choose to pursue.

If you’re still unsure as to whether interplanetary sex is for you, give it a chance. You may think you know the things you like with your sexual partners here on earth, but who knows what other kinky positions exist outside our atmosphere?

page 5

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

students needed for new iclicker creation quatty scratt wrote this

Professor Sheeb Waarfill is currently looking for university students to assist him in creating the new generation of i>clickers after many years without a suitable update. Students of all majors are welcome to apply, although radiant plasma engineering and chaos computation majors will be given special consideration.

“I’m really looking for a lot of talent on this project,” Waarfill said. “We need to create a sleek, attractive design with enough functional room for an emotion screen, hologram intra-projector, and Nano-Scantron grader for quicker test results. The i>clicker will also need a complete software makeover to coincide with the updated comptrox systems and inter-dimensional Mui-Fui networks in each classroom.

Many professors have been complaining about the current i>clicker program, saying that only five iterations of universal choice are not enough for their lecture questions and participation points. There have also been issues with too many students selecting answer ∆ when only ∆-, ∆+, and ∆≈ are present on the question slide, causing the results to be perceived as incomplete when projected into the students’ mind screens. Waarfill wishes to address all of these problems with the new i>clicker software, while installing an electric shock system if the user selects an invalid answer.

Interested students should stop by Waarfill’s office, room 10 in the year 3∑-20. Time portals can be purchased in the university information store.

Applications require the completion of a personal questionnaire, brief essay question, rough sketch of new i>clicker design, and, if asked, a one-on-one interview and teleport race with Waarfill. All applications must be submitted by 0900 on Januariath 1.

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page 6

theblacksheeponline.com

Ask Qaarg: Relationship advice from everybody’s favorite urnomiam miscreant

Hey Qaarg! Long time reader, first time advice seeker. So my new girlfriend has been jealous that I’ve been spending too much time with my dimension four anti-persona, and when I tell her that it is really just a reflection of myself in an anti-matter reflecting pool, she just gets more upset. What should I do?

Sincerely, Confused.

Haarg Confused, Morg furr caarn du harn daaargh. Sur po lorn furr corn du har hern kern! Gaylaaargg forune du la pern. Su tern wer ner lorn carn. Sar futyarn, “Tasty ham-wallet!” Ker larn fartt.

Qaarg, I am at my wit’s end. Every time I try to get my male Corinian to meet my parents, he keeps on making up excuses. How can I know he really wants a lasting relationship?

Sincerely, Worried.

Worried, Fartt corn du Haarg!

Gastrahhgn nuaarg! Kern dern qarn fort yurn! Garntu: harntu, farntu, corn. Corn corn corn. Fartt corn du, “Independent woman,” yuri tern.

Listen Qaarg, my friends think it is weird that I have been banging this hot-ass Octoped. But how can I resist when the suction on the tentacles are so good!?

Sincerely, Smitten.

Haarg Smitten, KERN!!!!!!

Qaarg, I just want to say that you have really helped me out of some tough jams. You’re the best.

Sincerely, Loveyou!

Burt, Yurt gharn F***urn! Kern darr hurgh. Smurt yu, “Feisty momma jeans.” Jarjarjar ; )

page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

attack of the

Ordinariums

asme emis wrote this

Unless you’ve been hiding under a chunk of dilithium for the past few weeks, you would have noticed the droves of Ordinariums piling into the Tesseract to protest the use of Zomboids for manual labor.

Not only are these unmodified errors of humans polluting the atmosphere; simulation, but they have also attracted the eyes of the Keekers.

Last month, after The Regime revealed their plans to erect a transgalactic highway connecting the Milky Way with the Adronium Galaxy by forced Zomboid labor, the Ordinariums lashed out, using old-fashioned picket signs and activist speeches to convey their anger in a fashion many deem quaint.

This tactic has not been utilized since the approval of the 296th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution in 2906, which limits the number of free thoughts per day. Currently, Ordinariums are averaging 103 personal thoughts per Ordinaria. This is over eight times the legal limit of personal thoughts allotted in a day.

“They have no right to showcase their beliefs all over the Tesseract,” commented one irate student.

“What light-year are they living in where the First Amendment is still intact?” Those words were spoken by Crystal Exilp, a junior majoring in hyperspheroid physics. She, along with many other Validiums are being inconvenienced by the presence of Ordinariums. Typically, the campus is divided among the two due to the highly advanced genetics of the Validiums. However, the Ordinariums have crossed over into the Tesseract in order to project their word in a significant manner.

“We feel that the use of Zomboids as migrant workers goes against their original purpose,” replied an Ordinarium when asked about his participation in the protests. “Zomboids were resurrected to be reunited with their loved ones. Just because the Validiums feel a sense of superiority over them doesn’t mean that the Zomboids should be treated like any less of a human being. They were once alive, after all.”

While their motives seem relatively pure as they try to protect the interests of the Zomboids, the Ordinariums’ actions have brought the Keekers from Plazotia to the University of Illinois 2.0. The last time the Keekers were on campus was during the Crisis of 2857, where they probed the brains of over 15,000 Ordinarium students in an attempt to arrest the perpetrator who anonymously proposed an uprising against The Regime.

“Our mission is to protect the citizens of the galaxy by keeping everyone, especially the Ordinariums, in line with the goals of The Regime,” stated the chief of Keekers Dr. Michael Chadwick. “Validiums possess the most favorable genes known to science and easily follow orders. Because Ordinariums retain damning mutations, we must monitor their thoughts through psychotechnology in order to protect the population at large.”

At this time, the Keekers have simply been observing the protests. The use of psychotechnology will only become a necessity if they sense a potential elevated risk of anarchy. Psychotechnology will distort the minds of those tested indefinitely, so that they remain compliant for eons. In some extreme cases, the Keekers will replace the mind of Ordinariums with prototypes from Roboticyon in order to restore some normalcy to their behavior.

In order to monitor the entire campus effectively, the use of jet packs, pneumatic cars, hovercrafts and sky skates has been banned. Curfew hours have been shortened and are now in effect between 1530 and 730. DNA check-in scans will continue to be mandatory throughout the campus dorms and will be enforced at apartment complexes.

“We hate to have to punish the Validiums for the actions of a handful of incorrectly programmed Ordinariums, but it really is for their own good,” stated Dr. Chadwick. “Their rights will be restored in full as soon as this whole ordeal is eradicated, er, over.”

As we see it now, there is no deceleration in the velocity of this movement by the Ordinariums. We can only hope that they realize the ramifications of their actions before it is too late.

page 8

theblacksheeponline.com

Yellowstone National Park Destroyed, Glorious City of Zinquin Replacing It

sankh vieen wrote this

Finally Yellowstone National Park, the United States’ last national park, has been destroyed! With a crack, America’s very own micronuclear plasma bomb was able to destroy the entire park within just a few seconds. Discussion of the demolition began as early as 2900, when President Fleenarm believed several deposits of blurnum existed on that land. Although much of the park was already lifeless from the persistent smog and acid rain, many historians and politicians still attempted to preserve the United States’ historical landmark.

The Electric Sheep interviewed some of these historians, and many of their opinions were similar. Our reporter somehow managed to get an eye-snap interview with the robosentative for the environmental chair of the League of American Antique Preservation, Dr. Porglip33. He encoded the following: “This deeply saddens me. We have nothing left. Nothing! The animals are all gone; the melted ice caps have swallowed the entire South and its history. The worst part about it all—no one cares. This is quite possibly one of the most depressing days in American history, what’s left of it at least.”

Fortunately, the majority of the country disagrees with Dr. Porglip33. The United States government passed the destruction of the park with 90% of the votes in agreement, including a full sweep from the House of Robosentatives. It was a simple decision: With Canada’s continual world dominance the United States must pounce on the opportunity to build the most powerful city in the world. The razing of Yellowstone National Park, currently sitting on thousands of acres of untouched land, now allows the government to begin building what has been in the works for decades now: the city of Zinquin.

So what can everyone expect of Zinquin, this future mulaopolis? We asked contractor Zin-Zin Tigby for his grand plans: ”Zinquin is going to have everything the modern person wants. I’m talking interactive porn theaters, Gumjee weed bars, plasma-blaster ranges, inter-

dimensional glory holes, you name it!” Even though these blueprints are a controversial topic amongst people in the surrounding areas, Zinquin creators believe it will work wonders for their cyber tourism board.

Zinquin will also feature the finest tablet dining centers and electrical outlet malls for light-years around.

Zin-Zin’s initial goal was to create a central area that people and robot folk could fulfill all of their daily needs. With multiple teleportation stations and hovercraft parking garages, the creators of Zinquin welcome everyone to visit, kick up their moon boots, and stay a while, especially one of the many five-moon hotels that will be spotting the Zinquin skyline.

When building Zinquin most of the robot labor will be used to build the many massive skyscrapers that will dip into the lovely grey sky. Ever since the great melt of the twenty-sixth century that engulfed all of the Caribbean, England, and the Southeast United States, the country has been grossly overpopulated. Since then, the use of robot labor has been looked down upon in major-scale construction situations, usually leaving the workers with dangerous, health-threatening conditions to make their hourly wages. However, since Zinquin is such a greatly anticipated venture and robot workers are known for the speediness and efficiency, they were easily chosen by contractors to complete the job. As of right now, blueprints for Zinquin propose 300 skyscrapers, each focusing on a different business . In each skyscraper, tab-c’s will offer gourmet nutroslime from many different eras including Old American, Old Chinese, Old Italian, and Old Mexican.

Developers hope that Zinquin, in all its luxury, will become the greatest, most high-tech city on this planet.

Developers and business owners are hopeful that this city will be the solution to our country’s financial problems by increasing tourism and profits in the area.

The date of Zinquin’s completion has not yet been announced, but it is certain that many will turn out to the wire cutting ceremony at the city’s main gates. Hopefully, there the American spirit will be revived.

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The Top 10

page 9

Ways to Exploit Your Clone These days we aren’t dealing with the clunky 2000K series of clones anymore. With that rusty metal and wire becoming ultra-photorealistic with synthetic skin, hair, and other human-like features in the 3000K series, here are ways to use your clone that you won’t find in the instruction guide.

10.) Going to Class for You: Your clone is already shipped with an internal i>clicker, so sending him out for lecture should be a no-brainer. He’ll be just as misinformed as you for exams, but at least you’ll be able to focus on more important things in your life, like crying over the impending uselessness of your synthcomm degree.

9.) Black Friday Shopping: While the Native American coup d’état of 2658 rendered Thanksgiving utterly useless, not even the Native Americans could pass up a good sale on the new Internal Hard Drive Deluxe Edition+. If you’ve spent your hard-earned intergalactic credits on the X-3 model clone, the extra firepower could make your clone an excellent shopping buddy.

Predictions for Upcoming Homicideball Season: Twice as Many Beheadings!

john mchoneybombs wrote this Here at ESPN Supreme Overload, we’re extremely excited for this new season of Homicideball blowing up in just a few short weeks. Our future predictions are determined and our blood buckets are full. After a thrilling, mandatory draft in which several lucky souls were conscripted into the Homicideball league, all eyes were on one recruit from Old New Ole’ Miss by the name of Jeffrey Martinez Syz’Ra-Rathi. Ex-Homicideball coach and current analyst Jorath Maldoon had this to say about the young recruit, “Did you see the way young Ra-Rathi fought against those armed guards as he was forced into a Homicideball suit against his will? It took nearly five guards to restrain him. I tell you, that’s the kind of guy that’s gonna take this ball club far.” Syz’Ra-Rathi was drafted by the Chicago Cybears, who last year led the league in dismemberments but were second to last in spontaneous combustions.

There was some uncertainty as to whether or not this season would take place as players attempted to engage in a lockout, demanding that the heads of the Homicideball league remove the land mines planted at midfield because they were greatly affecting the length of game times.

Their insolence was quickly dealt with, and 80% of the players were quietly and painfully purged.

The remaining 20% soon became very in favor of leaving the mines where they are. When questioned about the decision, commissioner of the Homicideball League, Smokey Spice of the Beefjerkians replied, “Who are you to challenge my supreme authority?” and slow roasted over an open barbeque the reporter who asked the question.

There has been some speculation on the fairness of allowing human players to even engage in this sport with players from Cryon 5, who, being Cryonites, are twice as large as normal players.

These Cryonites have openly accepted bounties on who could kill the most humans by the end of the game. When the commissioner learned this bounty program was taking place, he immediately stopped what he was doing and went

to personally thank each Cryonite for their ingenuity in bringing more excitement to the game.

Cryonite players have also been breaking new ground on human teams as captains. In this role they are able to terrorize their teammates into playing harder and, in some cases, even lifting their human comrades over their heads and using them as clubs to pummel the other team.

Fans have also shown concern for the upcoming season over the inability of the replacement sentry guns to shoot the correct players who have not been meeting their bloodshed quotas. “I tell you, they really need those old sentry guns back. These new ones just can’t keep up with the speed of the guys out on the field.

Players are merely getting shot in the kneecaps or grazed across the arm when they should be having their heads blown clean off,” a frustrated fan remarked. Undoubtedly the most controversial call by the sentry guns came at the end of a game, when two players on opposing teams both had possession of the time bomb ball and were both blown to bits. The guns hesitated and stood down when they usually activate their flamethrowers and burn every single player on the field. Many of the replacement guns came from children’s Homicideball, where they are not used to implementing any weaponry larger than joy-seeking missiles.

Unfortunately, not every player will live long enough to make it to the playoffs. This year’s mortality rate is expected to be about 92%, but traditionally playoff season has been the most violent time in the 42-game season. Every player who makes it to that point has been molded into a soulless killing machine from having to see friends dismembered and blown apart. Rest assured, only one team will survive to reach the championship and sacrifice the unspoiled virgin to the Beefjerkian commissioner.

Clear your schedules for the new season of Homicideball. You won’t want to miss even a moment of the action!

8.) Mass Pirating Database: Admit it, having a measly 500-grillabyte hard drive for all of your Snorman Xig action movies is not cutting it anymore. What you need is the new T-X00 Deluxe clone, complete with a 10,000 ziggabyte internal hard drive, to help you store all of your entertainment. Without it, you might be stuck watching the same 5 hexabillion seasons of Haarg! as you float motionless in the nether for 72 half-eons.

7.) A Guinea Pig for Drugs: Mankind has been exploring harder drugs ever since the discovery of the Lotus Axillaris plant deep in the swamp-forests of Gumjee, but no one wants to become a junkie or be susceptible to a bad trip. Have your clone handle the “bad” stuff whist you observe the reaction. Synthetic skin grows back, so don’t let the prospect of eating one’s own face bother you if your clone ingests dimethoxyline-idiophenethylamine from Androcorrigan 12.

6.) Handling Breakups: When your significant other becomes infuriated after realizing that it’s actually your clone that you’ve been sending a few planets over for sexytime, it’s common courtesy to allow him to handle the looming split as well. Much like robots, clones can’t feel love, so you won’t have to worry about being dragged back into guilt sex.

5.) Personal Bodyguard: Remember all of those times when taking the elevated platforms home from the data centers resulted in getting your ass kicked? You finally have some backup now, so feel free to grind up on that douchebag’s skanky girlfriend from Uranus State. Unless, of course, your clone is built like you and snaps like a twig. If that’s the case, get ready for double the embarrassment.

4.) Best Wing-Bot Ever: Meeting an attractive mate for eventual copulation at a bar can be a tiresome process of buying slorg and hounding your target for the entire night. Switch places with your clone every twenty minutes or so to get a well-deserved breather. Unlike your human buddies, he won’t be a jealous prick about it. Make sure you download more pick-up line presets for him. A girl can only hear the phrase, “Are you from the Andromeda Galaxy? ‘Cause that ass is out of this parameter of galactic coordinates!” so much.

3.) Roleplaying War Scenes and Movies: Being that newer clones are as synthetically and technologically advanced as they come, playing pretend literally has no limitations. And don’t worry about shooting at your clone aimlessly with a thermal blaster through streets and buildings in downtown Vaargon; no one can tell the difference.

2.) Frame for a Crime: If you’re in one of those moods for a little grand theft thermal-combuster of your boss’s land speeder, you’ll need someone to bite the bullet for you, especially with current intergalactic jurisdiction lines. Your clone by himself? A painfully obvious carbon copy of you. You clone with a moustache? Master thief, assault artist, and mass murderer who totally isn’t you.

1.) Sex: This is inevitable, and, statistically speaking, why 95% of clones are ordered. On those cold, lonesome nights where you just want to be held, your clone will always be there for you (much against his own free will). Sexual relations with your clone can be either a massive ego boost or a demoralizing disappointment. Either way, the outcome is entirely your fault.

exx tem 2.0 wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

The Cellular Regeneration Revolution jebsy kobas wrote this Science, you’re now Sid Werlop’s bitch. That’s right - Sid, University of Illinois 2.0’s newly acclaimed student scientist, slaughtered mortality and bitch-slapped science. Can you say “cellular regeneration?” Try saying it three times fast.

Still not working? Then just get this information into your head: Mortality, you are dead. Kind of an ironic statement, but it’ll do.

After discovering the definite end to Pi during his spare time freshman year, Sid did what God couldn’t manage through the zombie apocalypse, the near depletion of oxygen in the atmosphere from the environment’s deforestation and seemingly constant acid rain, and the stainless steel crisis of the Robo-Air-Dive 3000 craze: immortality. By harvesting DNA from both willing and reluctant subjects, life is now prolonged indefinitely.

Of course, every scientist needs a mad scientist lair, and don’t worry, Sid has one. Deep beneath the Earth’s dying crust, directly below Noyes Laboratory on the Quad, Sid constructed an experimental cave made entirely of gold.

Thanks to the salmon flu epidemic a few years back, corpses were plentiful. With graveyards near campus rather over-plotuated, coffins were at Sid’s disposal for robbery. The dead couldn’t spoil his devised plan of immortality through cellular regeneration. They couldn’t speak or do anything … yet.

A lair is fine and all for a loud “Muahahaha!” called into the night, but Sid needed a hiding place to harvest DNA. He decided on a place that no student, faculty, or robot could ever fathom. The newly dubbed Marrow Plots was the only option: a prime location where no one would ever expect

foul play. No greenery was left on the land, but the dried soil was untouched. Untouched except for his evil, laser-shooting, platinum hand.

By growing and harvesting the DNA in the infertile soil, Sid could produce enough cells to inject into the lifeless bodies he’d collected over his few short years on Earth, reviving his subjects indefinitely. Past diseases like camel rabies, allergies to forget-me-not silver roses that caused amnesia, and the ever-growing threat of tetanus from those rusty, metallic beezoids have taken many lives over the years. But now these people would be coming back to have their revenge.

He injected each subject with a syringe, igniting each one to open their long-closed eyes. Immediately, thoughts of hover craft orgies and robot porn filled their minds. It’d been far too long since the subjects breathed in air. A smile gleamed across Sid’s face in his success. He was now the greatest alumni of University of Illinois 2.0. He was now the master of these subjects. He was now a god.

Still, living forever poses problems. It’s not as lovely as the utopia Canada created for the world. There’s excessive pollution and overpopulation. Too many births plus too little deaths equals a major problem: How to determine who to be rid of?

But greed overpowers overpopulation. It’s a fact of life. So Sid carried on. Soon resurrected bodies crowded his lair.

The subjects were not ready to be unleashed into the harsh environment of little shade and an increasingly devastating sun with its laser heat rays. You see, the subjects’ skin

pigments burn to a crisp in direct sunlight, limiting their power of immortality. For now, they were trapped with Sid discussing the conundrum of plastic versus latex as Earth’s dying “natural” resource.

As his creations mustered around his lair, Sid sat in contentment thinking, “I’m better than a robot pimp. Look at all these bitches I made.” And he laughed evilly into the night.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

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Surrel Deal, 8pm, $5 DJ Kosmo Spins After!

SATURDAY 12/8

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE End of the World! featuring SPANKALICIOUS, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MISS A BORN IN BLOOD and TRINKETZ

CLUB CLYBOURNE! Blacklights Free Glowsticks!

DJ Belly, Spinning Live Music Starts at 10pm

SUNDAY 12/9

Closed

TWENTY | ONE | PILOTS with THAT'S NO MOON

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at CLYBOURNE! $1 U CALL IT Get Tickets for only $20 while supplies last! TheClybourne.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 12/10

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

** Closed **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 12/11

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS $1 Drink Specials

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free!

Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

WEDNESDAY 12/12

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street New Years Eve 2013 at Firehaus - $1 U CALL IT Get Discount Tickets!

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MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play!

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day.

1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

WED. 12/5

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Firehaus Mug Night! $1 SHOTS Get the new Gameday Mug! $2.50 Bud Light 25oz Drafts

Open Mic Night!

Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Carnivale Deabuche Burlesque/Vaudeville Troupe from Champaign/Urbana!

Doors at 7:30pm, $7

SATURDAY

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 12/6

CHRISTMAS PARTY with Santa! We are giving away lots of wrapped gifts and Best Buy Gift Cards!

NFL: Broncos vs Raiders

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRIDAY 12/7

$5 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan & Beam, $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney! $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Happy Hour Under the Heat Lamps! $2 Kentucky Apple Shots $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Drinks

SATURDAY 12/8

GAMEDAY! #10 Gonzaga vs #13 ILLINI at 9pm Watch the Game Here!

Get your Gameday Glass Mug!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

Carnivale Deabuche Burlesque/Vaudeville Troupe from Champaign/Urbana!

Doors at 7:30pm, $7

Party it up under the heat lamps!

SUNDAY 12/9

Bears vs Vikings - Noon WIN A BEARS JERSEY! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor...

Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

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MONDAY 12/10

Monday Night Football: HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm | $15 Bud Light Hydrants, $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

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Check out our Burger of the Week!

Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

TUESDAY 12/11

TIME WARP TUESDAY GAMEDAY! #13 ILLINI vs Norfolk State 7pm - Join us before and after the game! $2 Wells, $2 Fireball 1/2 Price Sharkbowls!

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

WED. 12/12

End of the World Party 12-12-12!

Come Party Like There's No Tomorrow! $3 End of the World Shocktop!

Open Mic Night!

Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

MNJ NYE Tickets on Sale Now! Limited Supply Available for $15 at JoesBrewery.com!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Fall Soups Now Available!

NEW YEARS EVE 2013 at RED LION! $1 U CALL IT Tickets are selling fast Don't wait, we will sell out! www.RedLionChampaign.com

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED. 12/5

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS. 12/6

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI. 12/7

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Kam's New Years Eve! First 100 Tickets Only $15 DJ X Spinning All Night $1 U-Call-It Wells, Drafts and Bottles Call (217) 337-3300 or Stop in Today!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

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DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Klub Kam’s!

All High Energy w/ DJ Sevlo

$3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks, $2 Big Long Islands, $1.50 16oz Hamm’s $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night!

Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 16oz Lite & Coors Lt Btls $4 Blue Guys DJ DASH spins the Nite Party w/ the Cuervo Girls!

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILLINI vs GONZAGA at 9pm $2.50 Bud Lt. Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots, $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles, $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints, $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints, $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

CHRISTMAS PARTY! with Santa!

We are giving away lots of wrapped gifts and Best Buy Gift Cards!

SAT. 12/8

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 12/9

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2 32oz Drafts & Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON. 12/10

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES. 12/11

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls Every Wednesday Night $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks/ $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

12-12-12 End of the World Party.....

RADIOACTIVE! Everything Glows!

Drinks - Shots - Glowsticks!

No School on Thursday!

WED. 12/12

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells Funday Sunday- Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House $5 Personal Pizzas U get It All Here! with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

I

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning?

Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras?

Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning?

Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras?

Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

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T.U.I. (Teleporting Under the Influence) matter frysol wrote this In 2800, when Siaron Onysus created the first teleportation device completely out of flortnyl and polyumbillica, she must have known that her invention would change the universe. Unfortunately, people were blinded by the revolutionary technology and didn't realize all the harm it was doing to society. After multiple uses, one of its major flaws became apparent: There isn’t a prevention setting for drinking and teleporting. If this malpractice does not horrify you, then let these poor souls’ horror stories help you realize this awful phenomenon.

Magnus, from Zone ∑ on Gumjee: One night Magnus came home feeling pretty wasted. He decided to save himself some time by directly teleporting into his room. However, he miscalculated his gillies and wound up in his parents’ bedroom as they were planning their genetically modified child. He even heard them say, “He'll be everything that we expected of Magnus but didn’t get.”

The teleporter put a permanent rift between him and his family and caused him to seek years of data re-wiring therapy.

Zeetah, from East Fluurg: Zeetah and his friend Pru have been best friends since they were born.

Pru’s birth united the galaxies of Cygnus and Puppis, and he is the heir to the throne. This title really stressed him out and after a night of spacing, Zeetah decided to surprise him with some dactylion, a hybrid hallucinogen from the Andromeda Galaxy. Zeetah beamed himself into Pru’s house without warning, and found Pru rubbing the clorg of Zeetah’s clone. Pru immediately took the clone’s clorg out of his mouth and began attempting to explain himself, but it was too late. The damage was done, and their friendship was never the same.

loquium of Sextan. Jago was dismantled, Ryker’s mother was sent to the fortress of Tucana, and Ryker’s father ran away to Oriop XII to avoid embarrassment.

Yanto, from the Eighth Moon of Glorp: While the teleporter has done wonderful things for interplanetary travel, a major flaw in its design is that there are absolutely no restrictions on where one can teleport. When sober one realizes that some places are just bad ideas to beam to, but when high on Xanophyll Root “no” begins to lose all meaning. Yanto was high as an electric kite when he decided that it would be a good idea to teleport himself into the black hole at the center of the Glorpian Supercluster. The last thing he thought before he was compressed to the size of an isotope was how he could have used some Ranko cheese cubes.

Clyd, from Uup: Drunk Clyd likes to get naked as soon as he arrives in his spacecraft. Drunk Clyd also just got dumped by his girlfriend for his so-called “illegitimate children.” One night Clyd had consumed an entire bottle of Captain Zuez and blacked out. Turned out Clyd came home, changed into his birthday suit, and popped outside of his ex’s space ship window. Outside, very underdressed, and out in space with no oxygen made him realize that his dying wish was to be a warning symbol for drunk teleporting.

Ryker, from the Poorn Galaxy: According to Ryker, the teleporter is a life-ruiner. It took away his mother, his second edition cyborg, and any shot of a healthy relationship in his future. After a night of heavy gargalesing Ryker decided to teleport into his cyborg Jago’s quarters so Jago could make him something greasy and delicious. Instead, he found Jago and his mom performing penile data transfers. Any fornication between a human and a robot species is forbidden according to the Col-

Everybody loves getting their internal moodums scattered on the weekends, but there is no reason why you should not take precautions when you decide to teleport when under the influence. You could ruin friendships or end up in the center of a blue giant. Remember what happened to President Rashgnåelle? Practice some drunk teleporting and you too could end up liquidized in the heart of a pan-galactic supernova. Think before you beam.

page 17

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Plutonian Baptist Church Protests Inter-Alien-Species Marriage Dolf wrote this Inter-alien-species marriage has recently become a hot-button issue across the galaxy. The act is defined as the legal union between two individuals from distinct alien species. Inter-alien-species marriage is increasingly important with the galaxy presidential elections coming in Febrarian. With several planets in the United Planets of the Milky Way Galaxy already having recognized inter-alien-species equal rights, a bill has come to fruition in Ottawa, the capital of the United Planets of the Milky Way. In the meantime, the Plutonian Baptist Church has been actively fighting this legislation to the fullest extent.

As the furthest planet from the sun in Earth's solar system, the residents of Pluto are often viewed as backward-thinking and resistant to progress. Pluto has already banned teaching the theory of colonization, stating simply that all planets flourished into life at the exact same time. The Plutonians believe that the Messiarth rose from the dead 3,000,000 days after being janxled by the Lizardmen, and that he will bring about the end of the universe when he returns, raining plasmoids down, while bringing the Birdmen to salvation. The Plutonians also do not believe in any form of external breeding, seen in the Quintosh, verse Langlosh 45e, “The only love is found within the circuits that uploaded you. Do not explore the other drives; live happily in the arms of kin.” Thus, they stick to mating only with their own relatives. Plutonians hate all non-bird people, and they firmly believe that Bird God will smite everyone who is not loyal to their teachings.

This is not the first time the Plutonians have protested government action, either. The Plutonians were against Interworld War VII, picketing soldiers’ funerals and spilling potent rocket fuel over the graves before setting them to flame. They also claimed the great Robotic Virus, passed from robot to robot through shared data, was

Bird God’s attempt to kill the unholy machines, similar to the Byte Plague shared in the Quintosh.

The Plutonians protested in Ottawa to prevent legislation on interalien-species marriage. They held up graphic signs with slogans like, “Bird God Hates the Lizard Men,” and, “Death to the High Chancellor,” taking the protest to a hostile level. Phelps Lynn, the leader of the Plutonian Baptist Church, was arrested at the rally for inciting a riot after throwing face-hugger eggs into the pro-marriage side. Luckily, the riot was quelled with only a few minor injuries. The protest has been going on since May when the bill was placed before Congress.

While the most vocal groups are clearly the Plutonians, there have been other protestors who have been less vocal about their hatred for inter-alien-species marriage. One such protestor stated, “Whatever consenting adult aliens do behind closed doors is their business. I just believe that marriage should be between a human and a huwoman.”

The man then peeled back his steel chest plate to reveal a small, beating human heart and said, “The only one of Bird God’s teachings that I can truly accept is his idea of perpetual love, Lizardman or not.

Like they say, Bird be with us all.”

Pro-marriage supporters, especially people of the liberal worlds like Mercury and Venus, showed up in droves to combat these protests.

One lizardman married to a pig said, “I should be able to marry the alien I choose. So what if we don’t speak the same language, and she can’t really make decisions for herself?”

This level of resistance seems to have slowed down the movement to pass the legislation. While the High Chancellor is currently endorsing

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this bill, it is having significant problems in Congress. The planets before the asteroid belt all seem to be in support, but the bill is not popular with the Astro-Quintosh Belt. These planets all have strong religious stances against inter-alien-species-marriage and are avid supporters of planets’ rights. These are the planets that forced the second interplanetary amendment, the right to bear ray guns.

The Department of Pluto Tourism would like everyone to know that the Plutonian Baptist Church represents a small minority of its people and that the government of Pluto does not condone their actions. All protests against the government are clearly the ideas of an individual group and should not reflect a sub-planet as a whole.

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First Openly Gay Senator Elected to Hover Congress krammed wrote this Yesterday the first openly gay robot senator, StudlyBot287, was inaugurated into the ninth district of Renovated York. It is a historic day that will be remembered until the forecasted alien invasion wipes away all history of Earth’s existence.

“I mean we haven’t cured Abstractual Cancer yet, but it’s pretty cool that robots who find romance with other similarly constructed sexual ports can represent us in Hover Congress,” a mildly interested man who peered over his shoulder while walking past the event had to say.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

Which planet in our solar system has the hottest females?

"Definitely Jupiter. I could suck those tentacles all night long."

- Tregg, Junior

Organizations such as Robots Wanting All Kinds of Lovin’ (RWAKL - also the Glorkian word for "passion"), were far more moved by the event. There was concern at the beginning of the evening when his gay robot partner, BunsOfSteel990, embraced him in a metallic bind. Secret Service Technicians mistook the gesture as a manic attempt to crush the other’s steel frame, but awkwardly walked away when they realized the sexual vibes surrounding the embrace.

Robots have done their share of heavy lifting on Capitol Hill in the past, but it has traditionally been in unpaid internships without recognition for their massive computing powers. Still, the thought of one Y-Model robot on one Y-Model robot has traditionally been considered taboo.

StudlyBot287’s campaign cry, “It’s never been our choice!” has resonated with even the harshest critics, since his programmers were the ones who designed his orientation when tweaking his initial circuitry. His lead programmer was standing on the stage for the historic occasion. When asked for comment on why he would program robots to feel the wondering bliss and eternal heartbreak of meeting and losing the one person they wish to intertwine their life with, he responded, “Why the hell not?”

Hooray for science! Robot technologies really have increased since the Freedom and Peace Campaign of Canada when they unified the world in one scientific endeavor. Technically, there was lots of scientific freedom but not a whole lot of peace, as Canada’s secret army plowed through all those who resisted.

Robots have typically been drawing criticism from the public as they gradually became more and more accepted into the mainstream. When Apple first developed the iHelp droids, people were wary of letting them into their homes - for good reason too, since before they were typically used as emotionless exterminator units without moral confliction. Eventually, however, their artificial intelligence was utilized off the battlefield and inside the war room, further increasing their reputation as cold, and heartless, computerized killing machines.

It took some arguing, but scientists finally conceded that robots were precisely one hundred and nine times more intelligent than the average citizen. Ever since, civilian applications for robotic

units have stretched to technical services, the arts, and recently the political field. The demand to bring them back in the home soared, as parents looked for private tutors and babysitters for their children or just a friend to tone their ego down a notch.

With today’s historic inauguration, leaps and bounds are expected in homo-robotic relations. His gay, purely sexual, robotic partner was reached for comment after the commencement. “I’m not really sure why people are so surprised. He was designed as a political contender until the newer model is able to outperform him. I, on the other hand, was built to share his vision of the future while also providing bi-hourly fellatio to the congressbot. I say we’re both doing pretty well in our respective programming.

Now if you excuse me, I have an impending deadline.”

Hate groups were also at the event, but did not attend the celebratory party with mini umbrellas stuck in motor oil glasses. A representative for the Federalists Against Gay Stuff had this to say, “We called it. We knew that by letting same-sex humans marry that eventually there would be turtle bestiality.” Frankly it’s a surprise they are still making media attention in this educated age, but they must not like sentient organisms getting it on since they’ve been protesting against alternative acts in the privacy of one’s own bedroom for centuries.

As the dance party started, MC Rap-tor’s new hit “Fuckbucket Asshat” was utilized as many of the constituents started busting out their own renditions of the robot. For all their advancements,

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scientists give up debating the chicken/egg conundrum mad max wrote this “We’ve been at a standstill for a few thousand years on the issue, so it’s finally time to put the debate behind us,” lead researcher Xyle Darsch announced. Despite the fact that both chickens and eggs have been extinct since the invention of the McNugget 4.0, people still wonder which one of them came first.

After several universal polls showed that no one really cares anymore, funding was finally cut. When asked what a chicken or an egg even is, Darsh responded, “Hell if I know. They might have been used to cross roads before teleporter terminals became standard.”

The questions about where the funding should go for this once important debate still remains a mystery. “We’ll probably move it to Abstractual Cancer research or something.

It’s about time we started putting a serious effort into that project, being that Abstractual Cancer afflicts trillions of people every year by causing their blood cells to gain cognizance of abstract ideas and turn against each other.”

When asked what the money was really used for during the research process, Darsh responded, “Initially we put most of the money into a hyper-advanced super processor which would be able to figure out this ancient riddle. However, this computer eventually became so advanced that, after discovering the true nature of the universe, it became depressed.

The rest of the money was spent on therapy.”

Several bets and philosophical quandaries will have to be settled in court after this ruling, but that’s a whole other issue for some other reporter to cover.

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The Giant Evil Brain of U of IMikael hasByurgjun Returned! wrote this For the past couple months things around campus have not been the same. It all started with the announcement of Professor Übergehirn as university president. Everybody knew that the board of trustees had tough shoes to fill after the 200-year reign of president Rashgnåelle, under who’s reign we were graced with 153 Homicideball Championships, unparalleled and ill-gotten wealth, and the first interactive porn theater opened up on a college campus in the northeastern stargate.

But why would they choose this random professor that nobody had heard of to replace Rashgnåelle after he was liquidized in the heart of a pan-galactic supernova? Had board president Gorlax completely lost his mind?

I wanted a little more information about this Übergehirn guy, but nothing in my internal biotic harddrive gave me any answers. To find some, I asked my protocol droid, a master of human-cyborg relations, for a rough translation of the name.

“It appears to be Germanic,” πaargmoore said.

“What the hell is that?” I asked “Germany was a nation which existed shortly into the third millennium.

The German language is all but dead, however, Übergehirn is mix between the words “Über,” meaning great, and “Gehirn,” meaning brain.

“Great Brain,” Or as the present dialect would say it, “Giant Evil Brain.”

I was in shock. Could it be that the fabled Giant Evil Brain of U of I had returned? I wanted to rush to the Tesseract to tell of my discovery, but as I waited for my molecules to synthesize for teleportation a bout of acid rain made me take shelter inside of Yontag Hall. After waiting for a moment I saw something which gave me pause. Above the door was a trans-dimensional projection of what appeared to be a brain encased in some kind of glass cylinder. Directly underneath this projection was a glowing hologram of an arrow pointing down. I looked closely at the area beneath the arrow, but saw nothing. I went to press my hands against the surface, but I did not touch anything solid, and instead fell face-first through the wall.

I fell in a tumbling tumult for what seemed like eons. Throughout this time I found myself in the midst of a profound confusion. Whenever I screamed, immensely loud echoes would come back at me in the form of mathematical formulas. I was able to smell time, and when I closed my eyes I could see a color which didn’t exist (I can only describe it is a “confused orange”). It’s hard for me to put into words what I experienced, but there was no doubt that I had fallen into another dimension.

Eventually I hit a cold, hard surface. When I tried to stand up I hit my head on my feet, so I began to crawl. After a few minutes a white light appeared in front of me. When I crawled toward it the light got smaller, so I crawled backwards and eventually the source of the light was in front of me. What I saw was a large glass cylinder, inside of which was a giant brain with electricity shooting out of it in all directions.

“Jimmy! Is that you?” the brain suddenly shouted. “It’s been too long. I say, do you ever think the mailman will return my videotapes?”

“What’s a mailman?” I asked. “Also, what are videotapes? Also, my name isn’t Jimmy.”

“My mistake. I had you confused with my grandson Jimmy. Don’t worry about my question, it would only make sense to a trans-dimensional being,” the brain said laughing. “Now, what can I do for you?”

“You can start by telling me what’s going on. Are you planning to take over the university and enslave all of its students?”

“Oh, most definitely! You see, I’ve been a Giant Evil Brain for a long time, and I’m going through a midlife crisis of sorts. I just want to go back to the time when it was just me and the Nazis trying to take over the world. Things were simpler then.”

“What are Nazis?”

“Eh, they were these punks I used to hang out with. In all honesty they

have nothing on the Mongolians when it comes to empires. The point is that I want to get back to conquerin’!”

“You can try, but the students will not let you succeed.”

“Foolish human!” The brain yelled with a surge of electricity, “You underestimate the power of the brain! I will use my mind control powers to gain the students’ trust. And then, naturally, their love,” the brain said with a tear. On second thought, the brain did not have eyes so it was probably just brain pus.

After this statement was made, a hand grabbed me by the arm and I was pulled back into Yontag Hall. It turned out that πaargmoore had followed me and reached into the dimension to grab me. When I asked him how long I had been gone, he said no more than 2 seconds.

Take my word for it, the Giant Evil Brain is back to conquer the university. There is no doubt that we must stop him, but first we should at least hear what he has to say. He seems like a nice guy after all, very emotional.

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Holographic Dramas to See this Season Sklorp Gunther wrote this With little time between Homicideball practice, electronic classroom assessments, teleporting your siblings to arndaschool, and digichord lessons for your parents, there isn't much room for relaxing or enjoying things on your own. This countdown of the biggest picture shows of the past micromonth will cut out of the time wasted on deciding what to see, so your trip to the Doloschloop can be even quicker than usual.

5.) 7Eight9 Net Intake: 3Defrauded4 The wait is over! This zoot suit reboot reminds amphibians everywhere in the Tri-State CondoMaximum why we go to the Doloschloop. Call The Electric Sheep old fashioned, but we still appreciate an unannounced live appearance by the producing actress coordinator. Screenauthor Remembrandt’z has developed a brilliant way to reward the audience for placing bets before the third act.

Verdict: Catch a late mid-morning presentation on an odd numbered avenue to avoid the pretentiousness of late-coming competitive blog squads.

4.) Ken-due?

Net Intake: Squadraphone Negative Frenetic mythological beasts clash with forgettable Ultramarine biofermentoologists in this syntheyed snoozer. Though we admire the attempted re-release in the fast food drive-by market, even customers shameless enough to eat at Erdlenstein’s have dignity. There seems to be no effort made to appeal to the rapidly growing Neandernarwhal demographic. We can all agree that we’ve seen one too many typical hypno-traumadies this Augtember.

Verdict: Ken-don’t.

3.) J^Dangletron Net Intake: 83,000@EE A moving exploration, an encompassing adventure. This coming-of-age tale tells the story of a gentle-hearted shrankbot named J^Dangletron who’s full of surprises. The journey begins with an oftenoverused pot-and-pan shot of the molten-marshes. Now, this is almost always greeted by an iRoll, but the execution of the cinemageography is so purely pre-post-ominous that it elevates the soul.

Verdict: Set your Outerlook-Realert-Cam-X to favorable.

2.) <OSTRIDGE-A-SAURUS> Net Intake: -131.2.0 M No surprise here. The typically overwritten style of Elvis Coschello’s clone’s daughter-in-clan has irreparably damaged the formerly simple art of a hybrid monster mash-up. Why do we keep giving Ruskum* Klebian so many chances? After his most recent depiction of the mentally-disabled hologram fell flat, we’ve given up. Expect this one to be available on Kleegthorp-On-Demand in a kilonight.

Verdict: Stay in your orbiting submersible.

1.) Super-Urban Nanosprawl 2.4: Vet-Quack Jetpack Net Intake: 55(7&) Merrymack 747 has finally returned to the director's chool after a seventy-two hour sabbatical to give audiences the long-awaited sequel to Super-Urban Nanosprawl 2.3: Plasma-Asthma. Even critics admit it's a shoo-in for four Andronium Awards. The real question is, why did it take so long for him to adopt Interactive 6D? It’s ridiculous how long he held out claiming that 360 EYEMAXXX could actually offer a satisfying experience.

Verdict: See it.

That’s the recap. Want your vocally originating sound waves to be redistributed across the hollowsphere? Answer this undernoon’s questionnaire: Was <OSTRIDGE-A-SAURUS> just a feeble formulaic attempt to jump on the success of Lagoony vs. CrocoMild? Will Merrymack 747 ever explain his obsession with 2080’s Satanic Yosemite documentaries? Send all comment drafts to sixu’s.Jerithmo. memail@//Oveja-Negra

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Triturnities: The New Wave of the Gr33k System

banker limy wrote this The Froboternity and Saturnority Councils have recently decided to merge all members of the Gr33k system into one basic unit, combining all genders and types of students: the triturnity.

Males, females, and robopeople will finally coexist without the shame of segregation across campus. The feeble men in triturnities say they have no objection to the strong will and discipline of the female members, and the female members make mention that they appreciate the male members’ cleaning abilities. The robots are just excited to finally be accepted as “just another student.”

The planning of philanthropy events, however, has been a difficult process. The Homicideball tournament to benefit Abstractual Cancer research was an outstanding success. Sadly, the collective cost of subsequent flesh regenerations and space funerals was too high, and few credits were actually raised. An activity that everyone could enjoy and afford had to be found.

The compromise was drinking Zalmidifiedohol for charity. Many robot members had protective plates installed over their external circuitry to keep from spilling on and ruining their hardwiring during simultaneous ‘dohol bongs. The triturnities have welcomed anyone with cash into their homes for a week of non-stop drinking games, control panel shots, and regrettable decisions. For charity, of course.

The triturnities decided to tell their usual house robutlers to hit the road. Being mature, responsible college students, members of the Gr33k system didn’t feel that having a babysitter was necessary anymore. Problems soon arose with no robutlers to make sure the kitchen was stocked, meals were prepared, and the house was in order and free of phishing bugs. This change caused many triturnity members to flood the streets of campus and create long lines outside of every TurboBurger and Astro Plate in a ten-mile orbit. After several members of the Gr33k community were diagnosed with morbid obesity, the national organizations stepped in, supplying more compliant robo-chefs and workout simulators to the triturnities. Robotic members of the community were asked how they felt about the exile of their people. Many refused to comment, but those who did couldn’t care less and were, once again, just happy

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to finally fit in.

Data exchanges are another triturnity issue still being sorted out. The members of the Gr33k community finally admitted that they do not like dressing up like ancient humanoids every galaweek for exchanges. The president of the Gr33k community stated, “This dressing up stuff gets old. I only have so many gloiton jumpsuits that I can wear out in public.” Instead of spending money and time at claw-me-down shops looking for something to wear for a ridiculous theme, members of the Gr33k community spent more time and money at the fuel stores and oxygen bars, stating their hallucinating experiences were more exciting. Without data exchanges between triturnities, Gr33ks’ egos have slowly begun to shrink, and many have confessed to interacting with those outside the community in their free time. Members of triturnities have come to realize that just because someone is not wearing letters or is not programmed with the latest software, doesn’t mean they are a fun-sucking virushole.

The Gr33k system is still making revisions to fit the new triturnity lifestyle. There have been many more unplanned pregnancies, binge drinking hospitalizations, and spontaneous combustions, but members say the positives of having triturnities outweigh the negatives.

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Tragedy strikes robot music festival Electraroo

rain hits - 30,000 short circuited enbson kie wrote this

Zanfir– at ∆3 o’clock this Quishday, just over 30,000 robot attendees at the 3012 Electraroo festival tragically short circuited when a wistful rain cloud sprayed a light mist over the festival grounds. The rain cloud was initially spotted by concert goers just before QU-0482919183’s plugin set. Several thousand robots evacuated the festival grounds as a precaution, but the majority of the ticket-holders stuck around to witness the reunion of RT7457473418342. Their first live appearance since 2988 was slated for later that evening.

The robots who were struck by the initial burst of rain combusted, and most melted into a uniform pool of liquid metal. Robots surrounding the pandemonium began an orderly and calculated exit from the scene.

However, there were a few military drones in the crowd who, falsely recognizing the scene as a foreign attack, booted up their turret arms and mowed down the robots who had lined up singe file in front of them.

11000111001100100000011010010111010 00010000001110111011000010111001100 10000001101110011101010111010001110 01100100001” Several sister brands of victims have taken to searching for those responsible for this tragedy. Many want to know why the event was not held indoors. Festival heads have responded by noting that if the event was indoors then solar-powered fans would not be able to attend. This excuse does not hold data for many robots who say that the safety of thousands should not have been put in jeopardy so that (Warning: Language), “A bunch of ‘graphing calculators’ could attend the festival.”

The scene was described by survivor TI874:

Much of the blame has been placed on Weatherbot98TM who was in charge of scheduling the event on a clear day. The robot predicted that the chance of rain for that Quishday was approximately 1x10^10983648593 to 1. However, after investigation it has been discovered that Weatherbot98TM forgot to carry the 3. The robot has subsequently been liquidated.

“0100100001101111011011000111100100 1000000110001001100001011011000110

We will have more on this story as it develops.

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