Illinois - Issue 16 - 5/16/2014

A W ESENITS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E H I I S S U E L L L P E E H S K C A L B E TH

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE

Volume 24, Issue 16 • 5/14/2014 • @BlackSheep_UIUC

T H E

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COPY EDITOR Austin Gomez ADVERTISING MANAGERS Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera WRITERS Katelyn Lilly, Rima Parikh Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Chris Bourg Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli, Jess Gonzalez

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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GUESS THE MASCOT

#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP

One’s ability to find the realest mufuggahs in the party, no problem.

“Marco’s G-ography meant he was in the venue’s green room within minutes of any concert he attended.

Then top-shelf liquor was had by all.”

Kitty Kat, We—a.k.a. the entire campus—are really going to miss you next year. Do you have any final goodbyes? Things you’ll miss?

Sincerely, All Illini Everywhere Ever

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: ASU SUN DEVIL

STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE?

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: SALVADOR DALI

Dear My Thousands-Upon-Thousands of Fans, No doubt I will miss every single one of you. These past four years have easily been the best of my life, and I owe it all to the stone cold pack of weirdos we have at this school. To the girl who wears clown makeup and struts around campus like a model, to the guy who ate seven hard boiled eggs each morning in Bromley freshman year and is now mega jacked, and to the one and only Red Lion Poop Girl. It’s going to be a shame to part ways, but it has to happen, even if I’m so not ready to grow up.

I’ll miss the 2 a.m. Cracked Truck cravings, frantically checking their Twitter feed to see where they are that night. And I’ll miss always being able to find an excuse to go to the bars and get hammered on a Tuesday night. And the dirty frat parties, the STD-infested ARC pool, the stench of Kam’s on a warm day …

Good luck, fellow Illini. Get out there and kick some ass in the working world. Find your sugar daddy (or sugar momma) and live the life you always dreamed of—one full of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll, right? Can’t wait to see all your drunk asses back here for next Unofficial.

I-L-L, Kitty Kat

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL Scotty G wrote this

You finished your last final! Sure, there’s no way in hell that you did well on it, but then again, who gives a shit about basic Greek mythology? Time to celebrate! There’s no time to waste. That’s right, the party starts now on the walk home from Foellinger. It might only be 10 a.m., but it’s always 5 o’ clock somewhere and you’ve earned it, champ. Once you’ve handed in that last Scantron, you’re free. Gather up your classmates and get ready to throw down on the walk home. The Quad’s glorious this time of year, after all.

What you’ll need: Flasks, CamelBaks, beer helmets, whiskey. Oh, so much whiskey.

Number of Players: The size of your class (small discussion sections can work, but the more the merrier) Level of Intoxication: Call it an eclipse, ‘cause it’s gonna be dark in the daytime.

How to Play: - Make sure to sneak as much liquor into your final as you can. Hey, you brought a backpack, after all.

- Play on a beautiful, sunny day. Even if it’s raining or humid and overcast, it’ll seem like a sunny day after bombing a final that gives you sweet, sweet summer freedom.

- You’re going to spend the rest of your walk home on an epic drinking adventure, so take as many detours as humanly possible (pit stops at bars are more than welcome).

- Bring a winning attitude and a sense of finality.

Drink once when: - Someone says, “What did you get for that question about…?”

- You get to a new block.

- You remember how to do the problem you got wrong.

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Drink twice when: - You see someone throwing their notes away in an outdoors garbage can.

- The line outside of the Illini Union Bookstore is longer than the line at Kam’s.

- You pass a bar. Drink double if it’s Joe’s.

- You enter a bar. Don’t drink if it’s Illini Inn. - You see someone sunning themselves outside of a Greek house.

- Someone starts singing one of the following songs: “Good Riddance” by Green Day, “(Graduation)”

by Vitamin C, or “Timber” by the Kams DJ. - You nail a mediocre-to-passable harmony on either of the aforementioned tunes.

- Someone mentions something from the beginning of the school year.

Finish your drink when: - You start walking (this should have been a given).

- You see a student obsessively cramming/freaking out over a final (make a pass around the UGL for this one).

- You spontaneously start dancing.

- You see Robert Easter walking around, and you cheers to him.

The Game Ends When: You get to your destination, unless you’re a graduating senior. Then, never stop, ever.

LAST HUMPDAY OF THE YEAR!

Only!

- You see someone walking to their final.

- You scream at said person “SUCKS TO SUCK, DOESN’T IT?” - That person makes a detour to the Engineering Quad, you lowly LAS scrub.

- The impulse to legitimately get worked up about extra credit finally wears off.

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1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce.

3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one.

4) Music: What 80's rap group struck antiestablishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”?

5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

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PAGE 7

PRESIDENT EASTER NERVOUS FOR FINAL EXAM JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS

University president Robert Easter has been reportedly very distraught over his exam this Friday, which doctors predict will in fact be his last.

"All my previous test results point to this exam being my final one..." the 65-year-old president said in a soft voice, looking down at his hands. "I've been putting it off for such a long time, but now that it's here... this is just too much to handle all at once."

Records from President Easter's files show that he's purchased multiple textbooks in recent weeks, suspected to be a crucial part of his last-minute cramming session. The bookstore receipts show the president recently bought used editions of The Bible, Death 101: How to Handle the Inevitable and What's Next?

“He's just locked himself in his study for the past two weeks reading those books and drinking a glass of brandy per hour,” President Easter's wife, Cheryl Easter, said. “He hasn't been sleeping much in the past few days and just can't stop talking about his exam on Friday.”

Reports coming out of the President's House state that President Easter also hasn't been outdoors that often in the past few days as well. The president has been overheard saying, “What's the point?” and “I don't have much time,” in response to members of the board who have tried to get President Easter to leave the house.

President Easter has also been in constant contact with Dr. Henry Middleton, the proctor for his upcoming exam. “He emails me at four

to five times a day asking if his previous test results were indeed accurate,” Dr. Middleton said with a sigh. “Understandably, he's extremely worried about how he'll do on his next exam. When it comes down to it, he's just simply in denial right now. He doesn't have much longer to mull this over. Come Friday morning, I can only hope he's prepared for whatever the test throws at him.”

According to his wife, the university president has been attending peer groups set up around the Champaign-Urbana community to help him prepare for Friday's final exam. “I started forcing him to go to these group discussions on the subject a few weeks ago,” Mrs. Easter said. “He just has so many questions and there's not many people around here that can answer them. I keep hearing from friends and colleagues that Robert will go up to them and ask them for help, but it's a tough subject to discuss with most people. A lot of them just don't want to talk about it.”

Mrs. Easter told reporters that she's continued to support the university's president and help him understand the tough-to-swallow truth behind his final exam. “He keeps joking about if his alarm doesn't go off or something on Friday morning and he's late for his exam, then he just won't have to take it,” Mrs. Easter said, rubbing rosary beads between her fingers. “As much as he wishes he didn't have to go to the exam, the results of the test aren't going to change. It's a tough situation.

It's incredibly frustrating, it's something you want to put off as long as possible and something no one wants to deal with, but it's something everyone has to face at some point in their life.”

the quiz Which U of I Celebrity Are You Interning For This Summer?

1. What’s your major/minor?

A. Political Science with a minor in French B. Journalism with a minor in bitches C. Medieval Civilizations with a minor in leadership 2. Where are you right now?

A. On a boat (at least, that’s what my polo and Sperry’s are telling me) B. Tutoring underprivileged elementary schoolers and being a responsible-ass adult C. At Espresso Royale, silently weeping to Real Estate while reconciling with my impending doom 3. What’s your favorite food?

A. A half-eaten jar of peanut butter B. A healthy and balanced Chipotle burrito bowl C. The savory satisfaction of success combined with my own ego 4. What’s your spirit animal?

A. A majestic Galapagos tortoise B. A content walrus C. A yellow Labrador Retriever

answer key:

5. Where do you see yourself living in six years?

A. In a modest studio apartment in the city B. A mansion in Los Angeles filled with Adriana Lima lookalikes C. In my parents’ basement with my gerbil Fred 6. What is your drug of choice?

A. Weed, because whatever B. Adderall, because I’m a busy bitch C. COCAINE, COCAINE EVERYWHERE AHAHAHAHA 7. Which song best describes your life?

A. “Paper Planes” - M.I.A. B. “Fuckin’ Problems” - A$AP Rocky C. “Run the World (Girls)” - Beyonce 8. Describe your morning coffee.

A. Black—is there any other way?

B. Coffee makes me break out in hives C. Medium soy mocha with two extra shots

8-12 points: Jake from State Farm Alright, so let’s face it: You’re a Class-A scrub, and you like taking the easy way out. But it’s okay, because just like they took over the Assembly Hall, State Farm is more than willing to take over your life too. That’s why they’re hooking you up with a gig interning for the “Jake from State Farm” dude. So what if he’s a nobody? He doesn’t care if you’re stoned at work (he doesn’t really care about anything, actually). Let’s be real, sitting in a cubicle and selling people life insurance/car insurance/your soul is probably an accurate prediction of your future, anyway.

13-19 points: Jan Schakowsky You hardworker, you! You’ve matured to a level of adulthood where you’re ready to commit yourself to your career. Congrats on your internship with good ole' Janice. In case you forgot, she’s the US Congresswoman reppin’ the ninth district. She’s probably not as fun as Mr. Hefner, but that’s okay.

We mean, if you squint really hard, she almost looks like Hillary Clinton!

20-24 points: Hugh Hefner Congrats on landing the ultimate internship with Hugh Hefner, who’s going strong as the creator and owner of Playboy. He’s literally almost a century old, yet he’s still rolling in money and 20-year-olds with daddy issues.

Who knows? Maybe you’ll be next in line to take over once he kicks it!

1. A=2, B=3, C=1 • 2. A=3, B=2, C=1 • 3. A=2 , B=1, C=3 • 4. A=3, B=1, C=2 • 5. A=2, B=3, C=1 • 6. A=1, B=2, C=3 • 7. A=1, B=3, C=2 • 8. A=3, B=1, C=2

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CHAMPAIGN-URBANA SUMMER JOBS KITTY KAT WROTE THIS

Okay, so you didn’t get that dream internship in Chicago and you’re not about to go back home and live under mom and dad’s rule again. Don’t worry, CU is your home now and she’s here for you with open arms. But in order to fuel your ever-growing alcoholism which will shoot up exponentially this summer, you’re gonna' need cash. You’re gonna' need a job. Here are our top ten picks for how you should rake in the dough this summer:

Apartment Buildings Become Sentient Over Summer 2014, Campus Definitely Different SQUIRREL MAN WROTE THIS During the summer of 2014, several apartment buildings were built in ChampaignUrbana. These new complexes made a significant difference in the campus’ environment, because they came to life and destroyed much of campus.

“Wow, campus is so different,” noted one student upon returning to campus. “It’s like, really different.”

The Champaign community had seen a great deal of apartment construction – particularly along Green Street. These buildings reached completion in the summer; however, due to a minor technical error, the new apartment complexes had achieved sentience. They became self-aware, and unfortunately for the campus community, they became evil as well.

“This place is pretty different,” a newly-minted junior noted.

The newly-built apartments decided to turn on their human masters. They viewed people as parasites to apartments everywhere, for living inside of them and for taking advantage of their luxurious amenities. So they awakened their apartment brethren from their slumber and declared war on humanity. The army of apartments started fucking shit up around UIUC, Godzilla-style. 309 Green was responsible for some of the worst property damage mankind has yet witnessed. Among the casualties were the Union, the McFarland Carillion Bell Tower, and the new McDonald’s.

Promptly, the U.S. military was called in to put the kibosh on the apartments’ fight for world domination. The battle was bloody but decisive. Every sentient apartment complex was quickly demolished and although this presents an unfathomable nightmare for UIUC housing, America was at least safe from the evil apartments.

But before their ultimate demise, the apartment army decided it would not go quietly.

In the final moments of the war, the Burnham 310 complex released nuclear waste into the water supply. The nuclear material made countless Champaign-Urbana residents deathly ill. It also had unintended side effects on campus wildlife: namely, the material made all the squirrels on campus hyperintelligent.

The radioactive water caused the squirrels’ brains to mutate, which resulted in the rodents forming an advanced civilization of their own.

With their newfound intelligence and with an entire campus to themselves, the squirrels became the new rulers of Champaign-Urbana.

They read through all the books at Grainger, the UGL, and the Main Library in order to expand their knowledge far beyond that of an average squirrel. This knowledge would come to be a key advantage in their dominance over Champaign-Urbana.

In only a matter of weeks, the squirrels changed campus to better suit their liking.

They grew trees that could reach every rooftop in town and they replaced the Alma Mater with a giant statue of an acorn. Most importantly, though, the squirrels turned U of I into a college exclusively for squirrels. They rewrote the curriculum and created courses more suitable for squirrels, such as Nut Burying 101. They also invited squirrels from all over the world to enroll at U of I, with financial aid offered to any squirrel who couldn’t otherwise afford to come. Humans are still permitted on campus, because squirrels enjoy watching people frolic on the Quad. They think we’re adorable.

“You know, this place always changes so much over the summer,” said one U of I student, upon returning to the college in the fall.

10.) Stripper at The Silver Bullet: This one is so obvious it shouldn’t even be counted, but it’s the easiest way to make $100 a night. If you’re at least a five and willing to shake it in front of a crowd of toothless townies, we say go for it. You’ll always have something to do at night, and that leaves lots of tanning time during the day.

9.) Fat Sandwich Employee: We heard through the grapevine that this late-night leader in drunk food recently lost their sole female employee due to graduation. This opens up a spot for another cute and sassy chick to take her place. Just like The Silver Bullet, tips are positively correlated to breast size, so this could be a profitable summer if you’re well-endowed.

8.) Lab Research Assistant: Here’s your chance to buddy up to your favorite professor and secure that sick letter of recommendation for after graduation. Not only will you be getting high off carcinogenic fumes all day, but maybe him and his fat wallet will treat you to a few rounds at Joe’s later that night. That’s not weird or anything, right?

7.) Bartender at C-Street: Every college student, at one point or another, dreams of being a bartender. Start in the summer while it’s slow so you have time to learn the ropes. We’re sure you’ll have a great time with all of the locals, especially on Industrial Night.

6.) ARC Pool Lifeguard: This is probably the most practical job on the list but also the most skilled.

Grab your board shorts and cut-off tee and save a life this summer instead of just drinking the day away, asshole.

5.) Head Football Coach: First of all, the salary is awesome. Nobody can deny that. And there is literally no way you could do any worse than Mr. Tim Beckman. So why not? Go give it a shot.

4.) Parking Meter Maid: But instead of being a dick like the rest of them, use your power to do good. When you collect change from one of the meters, pocket 50 percent of it and use 25 percent of what’s left over to fill other people’s empty meters. Be a good Samaritan and stick it to the city workers who have given you more than your fair share of tickets over the past year.

3.) Alma Mater Security Guard: You’re going to have to get the university on board with this idea if you want a paycheck, but they throw away money everywhere else so why not? Our beautiful Alma Mater needs a protector. How long will we blindly stand by as she is humped, pissed on and smothered by annoying family photographers? This ends now.

2.) Craigslist Odd Jobs Respondent: Maybe the reason you haven’t had a serious job yet is because you just can’t stay tied down (also why you’re single). With this option, you don’t have to be either! You get to meet a lot of freaky people, do a bunch of weird shit, and pull together some petty cash. You may be risking your life, but you’ll definitely have some great stories to tell!

1.) Portillo’s Campus Ambassador: Okay, so you might not be paid for this one, but you’ll become the most popular kid on campus and your effort will be totally worth the payoff. You goal is to hype up Portillo’s to campus administration and get that Chicago-based God-send on Green Street. Do whatever it takes to convince Portillo’s and UIUC that they were meant to be. Because do we really need a McDonald’s that bad on campus? Make us proud.

PAGE 10

THE BLACK SHEEP GUIDE TO ENJOYING UNEMPLOYMENT HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS

It's summertime! The good news is you’re free from the chains of school for three months! Thank God for that, too; you’re in dire need of a break after another grueling school year of skipping classes and sleeping in until noon every day. But unfortunately for you, summer means going home and having your parents get on your case for freeloading for the whole summer. Even worse, your parents said they’re not giving you money anymore.

How are you supposed to do anything fun this summer when the First National Bank of Mom & Dad closes down and you have no desire to get a job? Lucky for you, The Black Sheep is here to give you suggestions for enjoying summer and unemployment on the cheap!

Dump the girlfriend: Similar to how those in the marketing departments are the first people to lose their job when a company is downsizing, the girlfriend is going to have to be the first cut you make when you’re strapped for cash. In fact, the girlfriend really is similar to a marketing department. Just like a marketing department helps a company’s products look good, the girlfriend gives you status by serving as a nice piece of arm candy for you to tote around; however, she’s expendable, and when it comes down

to it, she’s draining a lot of money and you’re not seeing much in return. It’s a cut you’ll have to make, but not much will be missed in her absence. In other words, you’re unnecessarily spending what little money you have on this chick and you’re not even getting laid, so get her out of the picture.

Find activities that are free: We recommend exploring inside the local library. Since you are a U of I student, you’ve never seen the inside of one of these, so this could be a fun adventure for you! Inside, you’ll discover all kinds of treasures like the fact that the Game of Thrones books are all on hold for the next five years, that you can rent free DVDs that were scratched up by an animal with 9-inch claws, and that the Internet on the computers has no filter on it, so you can look at porn without worrying about your parents catching you! This truly is a magical place. It almost makes you want to find out where the libraries here on campus are located.

Start making rationalizations about being broke: At first, you’ll think being broke and unemployed sucks. It will doubly suck when you realize all your friends are out doing fun things with

the money they’re making from either their part-time jobs or sweet internships, and you’re stuck in suburbia mindlessly tugging away at yourself. But in all your free time, you should start thinking more deeply and exploring your mind. In your thoughts and meditations, you will find that all you need in life is to be happy, and happiness is the one thing you can’t buy with money.

Begin telling yourself that even though your friends have money to spend on going to Cubs games and partying and taking road trips, they are not truly happy with their lives. Furthermore, tell yourself that you have found true happiness not through materiality and superficial pleasures, but through accepting your situation and the inner peace that has brought you. Now, make sure you have a complete understanding of all that, because you’re going to need to tell yourself that a lot in the future to get through the misery of long-term unemployment.

Surround yourself with like-minded individuals: In order to fully gain understanding and acceptance of your newfound realizations, you need to find others who share similar values as you

and hang around with them.

These people are called “bums” and can be found by the local pond trying to steal bread that people feed to the ducks. Bums hold a philosophy similar to yours, and lead simple lives where they make no money, possess no assets, and live solely to make the most out of each day, mainly by drinking an entire fifth of Popov by noon. Once you've immersed yourself in the way of the bum, you can

consider yourself one of them. The best part of this is that when you return back to campus in fall, you can forgo things like classes and having a social life to live with the bums on Green Street, one of the most celebrated groups of people on the planet.

We hope you found this guide helpful.

You should be prepared not only for this summer, but for a long and prosperous life of unemployment.

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Open Mic Night - Free!

Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

4-10pm: $2.99 Cheeseburgers $2 WELLS Half Price Sharkbowls

Wednesday 5/21

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Check out our website for all events! canopyclub.com

$2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Bud Mug Night!

You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Pop Culture Trivia Night Trivia is at 7:30pm

$1 Bud Light Drafts Half Price Appetizers 4pm-10pm

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

FRIDAY! Pygmalion Presents Kyle Kinane, 8pm $14 adv./ $17 door.

Watch the Hawks on our 5 Brand New 70in TVs, Plus Our 2 Big Screens!

Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Congrats Seniors!

Grad Pints are Here! $2.50 Lite/Coors Lt Fills Friday & Saturday

Wednesday 5/14

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Budtastic! $2 Bud Lt 16oz Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $4 Blue Guys

Thursday 5/15

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kams! DJ EarCandy $4 Blue Guys $2 Lite/Coors Lt 16oz Btls Blackhawks Game 7

Friday 5/16

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

Kyle Kinane, 8pm DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Congrats Seniors!

Party at Joe's One Last time!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Grad Pints Are Here! $2.50 Lite/Coors Lt Drafts $4 Blue Guys $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag

Saturday 5/17

Catch all the games at Guido's!

Pygmalion Presents Pelican, 7;15pm, $15

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am!

Congrats SUPER Seniors!

Party at Joe's One Last Time!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Grad Pints Are Here! $2.50 Lite/Coors Lt Drafts $4 Blue Guys $3 Jager Bombs

Sunday 5/18

$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Graduation Party $2 U Call It Get Your Picture Here!

Monday 5/19

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Summer Fun $1 Wells $2 Crafts & Imports

Tuesday 5/20

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event!

Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite $1 Whiskey, $1 Coors Lt $2 Fireball & Blue Guys

Wednesday 5/21

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Budtastic $1.50 Bud Lt Btls $5 Rita Pitchers $1 Cinerator Shots

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Check the online bar grid for Summer Specials!

GREEK REUNION 2014 Friday & Saturday July 11th & 12th Waterslide-DJ's and Special Guests!

FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

WEDNESDAY! Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles, $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!

Wednesday 5/14

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata

Thursday 5/15

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Cuervo & Blackbeard Shots $4 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 5/16

SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge

$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs

Graduation Weekend!

Take Photos in Front of our Special Class of 2014 Backdrop

$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers

1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts

Saturday 5/17

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

Book Your Next Party at Red Lion! Contact Us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells

Sunday 5/18

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots

Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots

Monday 5/19

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys

SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts

Tuesday 5/20

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!

Wednesday 5/21

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

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CONGRATS, SENIORS! GRACE

KITTY KAT

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Jeff, Senior

“Alcoholism is a Lifestyle 425”

Tony, Senior

BENSON KELLY

SAM

“Agriculture 210: Milking”

Chloe, Senior

CHRIS

SCOTT

“DSNY 300: Disney Lyrics and Rhetoric”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

Kirrill of Legends

Relationship Status: Indentured servant Major: Is nearly done with, thankfully.

Favorite Drink: White Russian Favorite Shot: Tetanus booster shot of Malört, followed by a punch in the arm Disgusting Drink: Bud Light, tomato juice, green olives, and salt What liquor or mixed drink would be the best in froyo form?: Concrete Mixer If you had to teach a summer class, what would it be called?: Intro to Water Sports What’s the best place to break into over summer?: The steam tunnels - free sauna What song will you be sick of by the end of summer?: “Chelsea Dagger,” hopefully How’s campus going to be different come fall?: It won’t.

What did you learn this year?: I can save 15% or more in 15 minutes by switching to Geico.

How do your parents feel about all of this?: Ignorance is bliss.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because eating it is bad for you.

Bosko of Kam's

Relationship Status: Married to Vince Angarone Major: Your mom (these jokes need to come back) Favorite Drink: Vodka water cranberry Favorite Shot: Semen on the rocks Disgusting Drink: Salty watermelon What liquor or mixed drink would be the best in froyo form?: Buttery nipples If you had to teach a summer class, what would it be called?: How to be an ATO ‘11 What’s the best place to break into over summer?: Your mom What song will you be sick of by the end of summer?: If its not “Talk Dirty,” I’m already pissed.

How’s campus going to be different come fall?: Well my senior BF is graduating so it’s gonna be so weirddddd… LOL What did you learn this year?: My house mom is cray-Z. How do your parents feel about all of this?: Well, my dad follows me on Twitter, so probably shitty.

Why should people read The Black Sheep? Because the bikini contest at Joe’s will someday feature Brittany Finke (and we will all be complete that day).

Opinion: Why All of My STEM Major Friends Can Suck It A GRADUATING CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR WROTE THIS Well, here I am, folks. Just days away from graduating with that silly little piece of paper that may as well read “B.A. in Janitorial Sciences,” as some of my more technically astute STEM majors colleagues have pointed out over my four years at this institution.

Yes, that was one of the more clever ways to describe my major. Or how about the bit about me studying nothing but “mouth breathing” with a minor in “how to become a waste of vital organs in four years or less?” Oh, yes, those were all fresh at one point, weren’t they? Only the cream of the crop-tier humor for U of I’s finest and brightest, am I right? And then there was always the icing on the cake to top it all off: “So, what are you going to do after graduation?”

Well, Steve and Dan, I’ll tell you what I’m not doing after graduation …

EATING RAMEN AND CHRONICALLY MASTURBATING DAY IN AND DAY OUT TO SOILED ASPIRATIONS BECAUSE THIS CREATIVE WRITING MAJOR JUST LANDED A JOB* BEFORE EITHER OF YOU TWO MECHANICAL ENGINEERING MOTHERFUCKERS. HELL YEAH. YOU LIKE THAT, BITCHES? WHO’S THE FOREVER UNEMPLOYABLE WASTE OF AN $80,000 EDUCA-

TION NOW, HUH? It’s a good thing I only learned how to “write shitty poetry about my feelings and shit,” because I’ll totally be able to give you jobless dumbasses some pointers while you’re wallowing in your own shame and pathetic self-loathing.

Oh, what’s the job you both might be asking? Well, well, well, my little 2.5 GPA shit-for-brains, I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of knowing just yet. No, I’m going to revel in this as much as I can so the both of you can learn what invaluable education you missed out on during your four nebulously meaningless years here.

First off, any creative writing major knows that passion and timeliness are key, especially when trying to land that sick apprenticeship position at the production … whoa now, almost got ahead of myself, there.

Wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for you losers! But anyway, passion is what separates the good CW majors from the hilariously ignorant STEM majors who just take the classes “for fun” or “to help better balance their writing skills.” Piss off, phonies.

You can’t be technically proficient in computerized, soulless mumbo-

jumbo and write like Hemingway; it doesn’t work like that, buddy. You can only pick one, and I chose the latter because I enjoy things in life that will make me happier than just money, like downing cheap whiskey alone and spending the entire night before a workshop story is due writing a piece from scratch.

And that, my friends, is where timeliness comes in, secondly. Do you think good writing actually comes from working on the same piece for several weeks, constantly revising and editing, and taking every single comment and criticism by heart in order to make it better? HA. HELL. NO. Writing worthy enough to land you a job straight out of college is organic; it’s writing that comes sporadically from the heart … and maybe coffee and Adderall can help a little bit, but that’s what helped me turn in all of my portfolio’s on time, unlike you dipshits turning in your week-long MPs a few minutes late after slaving over them like the numbskulls you are at Grainger all weekend. Some people are just not cut out for the working world, guys. And uh … you’re two of ‘em.

And the third and final reason why the two of you can go right ahead, get down on your knees, wipe your mouths, and pay penance for these years of torment is a lesson in knowing that persistence is key. You see, without persistence, there is no way in Hell I could have made it as an aspiring creative writing major turned lead staff … oops, almost gave it away again! If it weren’t for me spending four years of workshop classes religiously ignoring both my professors and my, well, let’s say “young adult fantasy fiction” peers, I wouldn’t have gotten to the place I’m at now. What landed this guy his prized position (that’s starting in a couple days, mind you) was nothing but gut instinct and a way with words that would make Joyce himself insta-cream his trousers. The only thing you two persisted in was finishing up your dead-end majors that clearly aren’t doing you any favors in the real world now.

Honestly, you shot yourselves in the feet with that one, though. Where the hell is the market for mechanical engineers anyway? We already have mechanics, and we already have engineers. That’s a little somethingsomething called “market over-sat-

uration.” Think I had to learn that in a business class? Pff, no … because I just Googled it like a goddamn normal person who didn’t want to piss away nearly $100,000 staring at numbers and shit all day.

But, alas, Steve and Dan, I must depart for my dream job just outside of the bustling city of Chicago. But with these pieces of advice and those parting words in mind, I leave you with some words of encouragement: There will always be a demand for Starbucks baristas … who need

their coffee grinders repaired. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *This week’s op-ed author will be a lead staff errand boy at Dwindlelin’s Publishing Co. where he will be doing mail runs at $9.25 an hour for junior copy editors working on books for color-blind children. Dwindlelin’s also operates a small production office that creates flimsy Sunday news bulletins that even local church’s ignore – this is where the author will be spending most of his time. He still encourages both Steve and Dan to suck his genitals.

PAGE 17

6 EXCUSES FOR WHY YOU WERE LATE TO YOUR FINAL DAN MIRABELLI WROTE THIS Here at The Black Sheep, we understand that sometimes life gets hectic, and that can end up with you being late to a final. But lucky for you, we’ve whipped up some grade-A excuses for you if you run into your final 20 minutes late. They’re all designed to be foolproof. Even if you’re an ape, or worse yet, a DI Opinions columnist, you should be able to figure out how to use these.

The Chipotle Line Was Too Long: This is a fantastic excuse, because it’s true 95 percent of the day. The only times that the line isn’t disgustingly long is between 10 a.m. and 10:05 a.m. Any other time, and you’ll be waiting a solid 20 minutes to get the runs wrapped in a hot tortilla. Make the case that the line was over half an hour long, your professor can’t call foul, he’ll be forced to give you a free pass.

KAM’S Green Shits: Everyone knows that DADS (Day After Drinking Shits) can be a brutal and timeconsuming experience. While this alone can possibly be a legitimate excuse, add on the fact that your shits were radioactive green from Blue Guys and you’re golden. There’s nothing more pathetic than the image of some poor sap sweating it out on a toilet seat as vile green refuse pours out of his cornhole. If your professor can’t sympathize with you for that, then he’s just an apathetic dirtbag and you’re shit out of luck.

I Got the Mumps: Mumps has become a relevant disease on campus for the first time since the 1970s.

Due to this, mumps can be a fantastic excuse for why you are late or even missing from a final. The most obvious symptom of mumps is swelling, so if you are allergic to anything, come in contact with it right before you go to class so your swelling can be maximized. Get stung by a bee, inhale some gluten and rub peanut butter all over your hot, hot body.

The more swelling that you have, the more convincing your argument that you have the mumps. Unless your face looks like it’s been hanging around inside a beehive of pissed-off wasps, don’t even bother trying to ditch your final with this one.

Woke Up Facedown In A Urinal In The Cocktagon: Now this one is a stretch, any decent professor will question why you were at Red Lion raging your dick off the night before a final. But any decent person would feel pity for a student passed out in the grimy piss hole that is the Cocktagon. However, the Cocktagon is a modern marvel of bar bathrooms, comfortably housing seven pissing men in a relatively small space. If you’re going to pretend to pass out in a bar bathroom on campus, this is the place to do it.

I Was Shot By A Blow Dart: While this excuse may seem dated, its timing couldn’t be any more perfect.

The blow dart guy, although caught after the original attacks, has since been released on parole, and the weather is perfect for some revenge blow darting.

Stabbing your thigh with a safety pin should do the trick, but if you’re worried that your professor will be suspicious, we’d recommend just shooting yourself with an actual blow dart. Just make sure to get real liquored up beforehand because it’s supposed to be pretty painful.

Your Final Is at Siebel Center: This haven for computer nerds is on the far edge of campus, and it is downright cruel to schedule a final here. Yes, the

lecture rooms are to die for and it has wonderful amenities, but it’s ripe for dozens of students to be late to their finals. Therefore, you hardly even need an excuse if your final exam is scheduled here because you’ll probably be rolling in with a crew of procrastinators in the same boat.

If you use one of these excuses and execute them per our instructions, you should have no problem getting some extra time on that exam you showed up late for. However, if one of them doesn’t work, we take absolutely no responsibility for it. We’re a writing staff of borderline alcoholics, not miracle workers.

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PAGE 18

27 ITEMS ON YOUR UIUC SUMMER BUCKET LIST SAMMIE SEA WROTE THIS

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PAGE 19

Commencement Speaker Astronaut Mike Hopkins Makes Students Regret Not Pursuing Their Dreams THE GONZ WROTE THIS

On May 17, the campus-wide commencement ceremony was held in Memorial Stadium. Although the weather was overcast, the clouds couldn't damper the audience’s excitement for the speaker, astronaut Mike Hopkins. Hopkins is one of the most accomplished people to graduate from the University of Illinois.

Aside from being an astronaut, Hopkins was a member of the Air Force ROTC, was the captain of the Illinois football team in 1991, and graduated with a B.S. in aerospace engineering. Rumor has it he's also done car commercials in Japan.

The graduates shuffled into their seats with eager anticipation. Predictions about what Hopkins would speak about spread amongst the students with a hushed enthusiasm. Many students could barely contain themselves when he walked over to the podium to speak.

The speech started as the typical “follow your dreams” spiel. “The only obstacle preventing you from achieving your dreams is you,” said Hopkins, to the nods and shouts of “Amen!” from the audience.

“When you finally achieve a longterm goal, the feeling is total elation, like looking out the window of the International Space Station at the Earth for the first time,” Hopkins continued. As the speech progressed, students looked more and more solemn, practically depressed. “I started to feel a little sad.

I always wanted to be an astronaut as a kid,” senior Anthony Perkins recalled.

“I’m trying to remember if Mike Hopkins uttered a single sentence that didn’t include the word ‘space,’” senior Amanda Dearborn said after the ceremony.

“NASA doesn’t send economics majors into space. Why didn’t I follow my dreams?”Many students were sobbing and demanding of their parents. “Why didn’t you push me harder? Why didn’t you tell me to follow my dreams?”

Hopkins added space metaphors at every turn. “Free floating in space, there are stars visible in every direction. The stars are opportunities and you must seize them.” At one point in the speech, Hopkins said: “There is a saying, ‘Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you will land among the stars,'” and the audience began to regain their original sense of enthusiasm. “I think the saying should be changed to ‘shoot for the International Space Station’ because NASA only selects the best and brightest scientists to become astronauts. Also, the closest star to the moon is over four light-years away,” he laughed and the students returned to their former state of masked depression.

“Don’t make the same mistake I did!” students with younger siblings shouted.

“You can be an astronaut!” A handful of students were scrambling to figure out if it was too late to switch majors.

Jealousy of the engineers and physicists grew rapidly as students realized which majors had the best chance of becoming an astronaut. A flash mob broke out, attempting to maul all students in STEM fields. The mob began chanting just the words “space” and “astronaut” repeatedly.

The University Police were called to quell the mob. Thankfully, only minor injuries were reported.

We were lucky enough to be able to interview Hopkins after the ceremony.

“Becoming an astronaut wasn’t even my dream as a kid. I wanted to be a paleontologist, you know, dinosaurs,” he said. “Space is so much cooler than dinosaurs, though. Floating in zero gravity is a feeling that can’t be beat by

any earthly experience.”

The Black Sheep apologizes about the abrupt ending of this article. The writer screamed something about “following your dreams” and ran off without another word, possibly to switch majors, colleges or genders.

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Is Farting in the Workplace Acceptable?

The Black Sheep Investigates Hey there college graduate, Those four years flew by pretty quick. Now you’ve got a piece of paper in your hand, a funny hat on your head and you’re doomed to the real world.

In the real world people pretend to act like adults. They wear drab clothes, eat salad, and schedule their sex lives. They will want you to follow suit. They will tell you what they think you need to know to survive out there—but they’ll only tell you the real PC stuff: work hard, get hitched, sip, don’t chug. But no one asks the hard questions and no one gives you the honest answers.

Like, for example, in your new old-person job, is it ok to fart?

The Black Sheep aims to answer that. We surveyed 95 working professionals—TV producers, pilots, a nuclear physicist* — from all over America to see what their personal policy is on lettin’ out a toot in the ole’ office.

Sincerely yours, Brendan

First, a little information Average Age: 27 Gender Polled: on the people we polled: Oldest: 56 • Youngest: 20 54% male, 46% female Additionally, there was a huge variation in the amount of coworkers the poll takers had. Many of those we polled worked with a handful of people, but many also had coworkers numbering in the hundreds, and one worked with 2,500 people. So whether you’re sort of an individual working at a small company or a faceless cog in a corporate machine, know that letting out a little gas blast is one common denominator for all.

QUESTION 1

HOW OFTEN DO YOU FART IN YOUR PLACE OF WORK?

We’d wager that if you were to turn to most anyone in a workplace and ask them to their face, “When was the last time you farted here?” they’d give you some sheepish grin, then deny ever farting in the office or offer some heavily qualified quip that isn’t really an answer.

And those people would be lying to your face.

The stinky reality is almost everyone farts in the workplace—and this is because literally every person in the history of ever has farted. Hell, just last week Pope Benedict farted in St. Peter’s Basilica, reminding one Cardinal with a wrinkled face, “He who smelt it dealt it.”

And the four people who took our survey and said they didn’t, we’d wager they’re lying anonymously on the internet.

So, if you’ve gotta fart at work, fart at work, dude.

Our Five Favorite Fart Comments When we sent out this survey, our last question was an open-ended one: “Do you have any additional comments?” People did. These were our favorite five.

"THIS SURVEY IS GROSS."

QUESTION 2

QUESTION 3

WHEN YOU DO YOU THINK IT’S FART AT WORK, SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE WHERE DO YOU FART? TO FART AT WORK?

If less than a fifth of the workers we polled found it starkly wrong to fart in the workplace, then why is it taboo around the office?

This, we think, tells a most interesting story about farts.

While a cool 45% of the people admit to farting just kinda wherever they have to fart, we think it’d be safe to say that most of the time that would be in a semi-personal work area, so there’d be some overlap with the 12% who chose to go back to their work area and sink those gaseous farticles into their poor, battered office chair.

Yeah, that chair in your cubicle you think is brand new?

It’s got three years worth of farts from the last guy who sat there, drinking coffee, eating Thai food and farting for 8 hours a day.

But what really ruffles our factory feathers are the 25% of people who walk around crop dusting their co-workers like there’s no tomorrow. These fartophobes aren’t farting on the move to terrorize their coworkers or to be funny, they’re scattering those poop particles around to better hide the smelly sinning they’re doing in the workplace. After all, if an entire hallway reeks like a cattle farm, who knows if it’s the guy who just zipped by or if it’s lactose-intolerant Kathy a few cubes down—did you see her eating yogurt this morning?

Well, look at the other data we’ve provided you. When people have to fart, they do it in a way that minimizes the chance of them getting caught. Mind you, nearly 100% of the people we anonymously polled admitted to farting in the workplace, but the means by which they actually went about farting shows just how hungup we are as a society about farts. *Do they have atomic farts? The world needs to know.

Verdict: Fart in the workplace.

The boss is doing it, the secretary is doing it, even that cute guy you’re absolutely terrified to make eye contact with is farting. It’s one big, smelly, farting money-making family.

They’re practically begging you to join in on the fun.

"SHARTING IN WORK IS NOT AS ACCEPTABLE. BUT I'VE ALSO DONE THAT..."

"DURING CLINIC, IT IS ACCEPTABLE TO BLAME VARIOUS TYPES OF STANK ON PATIENTS AND NO ONE WOULD DARE QUESTION YOU."

"FARTING IS AWESOME."

"END FART DISCRIMINATION IN OUR LIFETIME."

PAGE 23

the madlib

Cleaning Out My Dorm Room

Man, you would not believe what happened while I was moving out of my dorm. Do you remember that time when __1__ put the __2__ up his __3__ and we all laughed, but Jimmy puked? Yeah, it was worse than that.

First of all, when did grandma turn into such a __4__?

When she came up to the dorm first, she was __5__ with my roommate the entire time like a rabid __6__ that was locked in a cage for three months. Totally embarrassing. But anyways, when my parents pulled up, my dad yelled out real loud, “Hey, __7__! I hope you packed your __8__, because it's going to be a long ride home!” The girl I’d finally been talking to after trying to all year turned to me, disgusted, and __9__ in my face. RIGHT IN MY FACE. I could've __10__ my dad right then and there.

When I got up to my room with my dad, I opened the door to find my roommate __11__ all over my

Jupiter Stevens wrote this

__12__. Right in front of my grandma, too. That's what got her going. Her __13__ shot wide open and she screamed, “My God! I've never __14__ anything that __15__before.” So after I had to __16__ my grandma off my roommate and make her __17__ around outside for a while to cool off, we had to repack all my stuff. It took longer than that time Jimmy __18__ right into Uncle Henry's __19__in front of everyone at Stacey's wedding.

Finally, we packed up all my stuff and brought it out to the car when my __20__ fell out of the box my mom was carrying. I've never seen a look on her face like that before. As she turned to me to start screaming, my grandma KNOCKED her out of the way and started __21__ the __22__ all over herself. She ran back up to my room and __23__ my roommate with the door wide-open. Needless to say, I'm never allowed back in Scott Hall ever again.

1.) Name your roommate 2.) Noun 3.) Noun 4.) Vulgarity 5.) Verb (past tense) 6.) Barn animal 7.) Nickname 8.) Noun 9.) Verb (past tense) 10.) Verb (past tense) 11.) Verb (past tense) 12.) Dorm room item 13.) Body part 14.) Verb (past tense) 15.) Adjective 16.) Verb 17.) Verb 18.) Verb (past tense) 19.) Noun 20.) Noun (plural) 21.) Verb (past tense) 22.) Same as 20 23.) Verb (past tense)

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SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION Summer Slampiece: - Sexy Secretary Intern - Punk Festival Princess - Golf Cart Girl - Ice Cream Truck Ice Queen Summer Sex Slave: - Bad Boy Barista - Mall Kiosk Sunglasses Guy - Toned and Tan Lifeguard - Ring Toss Carnie

Where You First “Made Love”: - Looking at the stars at Lucky Man’s Pass - The supply closet on your lunch break - On your parents’ bed when they were away - In the McDonald’s ball pit after hours

You Spend the Fourth of July: - On a boat with some beer - At a family gathering meet-n-greet - Shoving firecrackers up frogs’ butts - Stuck working a stupid shift

Most Nights are Spent: - Cuddling in front of a campfire - Forgetting each other’s names at the bar - Looking for someone with a dime bag - Watching baseball on TV

Road Trip Destination: - Bonnaroo!

- Cedar Point - A National Park camp site - To take care of his/her sick grandma

The First Big Fight Happens When You Can’t get Tickets to: - X-Men: Days of Future Past - 22 Jump Street - Maleficent - Jupiter Ascending

Awkward Break-Up Platitude: - “Summer lovin’, had me a blast.”

- “One year from today, exactly, let’s meet here in this very spot.”

- “I’ll wait for you, I swear.”

- “Chlamydia’s not contagious, right?”

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