Illinois - Issue 17 - 12/17/2014

The Volume 7 Cards Ag ainst Hum anity

st Humanity Cards Again Cards Against Humanity

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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex,

CREEPTOMANIA

I literally can’t even handle the stress of finals right now. My brilliant professors went ahead and literally rammed me with five rapid-succession finals, and this triple shot latte from Espresso Royale is already wearing off. You’ve studied at one point, right? Teach me.

An addiction in which the afflicted cannot help but creep on new acquaintances’ Facebook pictures.

Sincerely, A Communication Major in Distress

"The moment Darren accepted Mariah’s friend request he spent the next 20 minutes looking at pictures of her in bikini."

Dear Literally Everyone During Finals, I could easily make a communication major joke here, but let’s face it, this English degree ain’t getting me anywhere, so we’ll call it even for now. Yes, I have given the ol’ studycoaster a ride or two – in fact, I rode that shit into the ground my first semester as a freshman at the expense of, you know, having friends. If coffee isn’t getting you through that

to the

EDITOR

astronomically interesting textbook on investment banking and corporate mergers, not a whole lot else will. If you have a friend with “ADHD,” they might be gracious enough to share some of their totally prescribed Adderall with you. That being said, taking the pill is a tricky beast to tackle because you’re more likely to spend eight hours cleaning your room and compulsively masturbating than studying. Again, not bad side effects, but probably not the ones you’re looking for the night before your most important final. You could try deactivating your social media accounts, but then again, Shannon did just post all of those hilarious pictures from last night’s semi-formal. So, do I really have some hard-boiled advice for you? No, not really. You’ve spent about two minutes reading this response, so you tell me how things are going, Lil’ Miss Procrastifailure.

Good luck and all that, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

THE LIBRARIES DRINKING GAME Nicco wrote this

With finals finally here, we know you’ll hole up in your favorite book palace for a while. But we all know you wish you were dancing your ass off at Red Lion instead of a library (new UGL policies are such bullshit). To help make these next few weeks bearable, here’s a little game that will keep you studying so hard, you might completely forget all of that retained information! Follow these simple steps, and you’ll be on your way to a much more intoxicating study sesh.

Some universal rules of thumb: - Take a drink for everyone you see crying over stress or failure. Trust us, they wish they were drinking away their pain, so be a pal and just do it for them.

- Take a drink when someone coughs or sneezes.

- If you run into a friend, take a drink together to commemorate that one time at KAM’s neither of you remember.

- Every time you open a tab of social media to procrastinate, take a drink then close it and get back to studying. You've got to be somewhat responsible, right?

IF YOU’RE STUDYING AT… Grainger: - Take a drink for every scientific calculator you see. Yes, some people still use them in college, poor souls.

- Take a drink if you find the Graingerbator. And consider yourself lucky because he doesn’t make many… uh…public appearances anymore.

- Take a shot with Grainger Bob every time you go there. He wants to turn up, too.

UGL: - Take a drink for every freshman with their lanyard around their neck while yelling “FRESHMAN.” Trust us, they'll be the one who's embarrassed.

- Take a drink for every person who struggles to open the doors.

NEW YEAR’S EVE RESOLUTIONS

- Take two drinks for every person who opens the doors without struggling because god bless them.

- Take two drinks if you see the lady walking around with a pillow. We swear she exists.

BIF: - Take a drink for every person you see in a suit and take two if they’re rockin’ it.

- Take a drink every time somebody complains about how “hard” their major is… and if they boast about not having any Friday classes, take another.

- Take a drink for every time you see someone in business frat letters and take an extra if they have another item with letters. Business Council apparel counts, too.

- Take a shot for every electronic that dies from the lack of outlets on the main floor, then go find an outlet and keep studying.

ACES: - Take a drink for every John Deere product you see, and take two if someone mentions farming in any way.

- Take a drink for any Southern accents you overhear.

- Take a drink for every person you see in a flannel and take another one if it’s accompanied with cowboy boots.

- Take two drinks for every belt buckle you see and take three if it’s one you admit you'd wear.

The Game Ends When: You wake up after passing out in the middle of the library staff and are prompted by a jolting, mini-panic attack that you’re already 25 minutes late to your final. But you crammed a lot in one night anyway, right?

If you’ve got a test tomorrow and are totally screwed, look on the bright side: Studying while drunk can be totally fun… if you can focus and have clear enough vision to read the page. If not, well, better luck next semester.

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PAGE 6 • T HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FUN & GAMES

CLUE BANK

THE MADLIB: EXPLAINING TO YOUR PARENTS HOW

YOUR PROFESSOR SCREWED YOU

Hey Mom and Pop, I know that I failed, but my professor screwed me. It’s a really __(1)__ class, and the professor talks like there’s __(2)__ in his mouth. We had __(3)__ homework assignments, and each one took __(4)__ minutes to do. It was __(5)__ shit.

Not only that, the final exam didn’t even cover anything that was taught in the course. And no, it wasn’t just topics that he failed to cover that were in the __(6)__ textbook. It was on topics that had nothing to do with anything. Like, one question asked how many __(7)__ the professor had. How are we supposed to know that?

minutes over it. Ever since then, he’s always had it out for me. Last month he __(13)__ me in the back of the head for no reason. And when I turned in my final, he said “See you next semester, shit __(14)__”.

I think it’s pretty clear that this guy is a __(15)__ person. We signed a petition to have him removed, and __(16)__ students signed it.

However, once again, Phyllis Wise shut it down. I’m not surprised, Phyllis hates all good things, I heard she even hates __(17)__. Who hates __(18)__? Witches, that’s who. Which brings me to my next point…

I also contracted __(8)__ this semester. I didn’t tell you at the time, because I didn’t want to worry you. I almost lost my __(9)__ but the amazing staff at McKinley saved me. It was a __(10)__ miracle!

Phyllis Wise is an evil sorceress that wants me to fail. When she sent out her Happy Holidays email, I received a personal email and the subject was titled “Fuck You __(19)__.” No lie, I would forward it to you, but it had a self-destruct or something and deleted itself.

Another reason my professor hates me is because I __(11)__ in his class once. It wasn’t a big deal, but he bitched at me for __(12)__

Phyllis is a witch and my professor is an evil bastard. I really wanted to pass __(20)__, but it’s just not gonna happen.

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM

1) Adjective 2) Noun 3) Number 4) Believably high number 5) Animal 6) Expletive 7) Plural unusual pet 8) Disease that no longer exists 9) Body part 10) Whatever stupid holiday you celebrate, loser.

11) Past tense verb for bodily function 12) Number 13) Past tense verb for violent action 14) Clever expletive 15) Disgusting adjective 16) Small number 17) Delicious treat 18) Same delicious treat 19) Your name 20) Easy 100-level course Banana Boy wrote this

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ME-OW CHRISTMAS

Kevin Mallin wrote this Expanding the “therapy dog” concept to smaller, more conventionally rude animals has shown mixed results. In light of last year’s failed transition to therapy Bengal tigers, the University of Illinois has introduced another lackluster attempt at de-stressing students by renting out therapy cats from libraries across campus.

While some students at the university report slightly reduced stress during the rare instances their therapy cat actually lets a student pet them, most have found their feline houseguests less than satisfactory.

was studying for while knocking the therapy cat off his chair for what he explained was “like, the billionth time.” Marcus’ cat then proceeded to jump on top of the refrigerator before knocking down three bottles of wine. Marcus pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and clenched his eyes shut.

“This cat is going to end up killing me,” he said, getting up to clean the shattered wine bottles.

“I was actually getting work done, but my cat walked all over my keyboard when I was writing to my ECON professor,” Jacobsen said. “I’ve only had it a week and she already acts like she owns the place.”

Common misconceptions include the ease of owning a cat and the false prospect that the cat will end up doing something cute or funny enough to get a lot of hits on YouTube. “I saw this cat video while I was taking a study break, and thought, ‘Hey, I’ve got a therapy cat. I bet he does tons of cute stuff,’” said freshman Anna Slanger, who requested a therapy cat for her first semester of high-stakes test-taking. “I watched him sleep and lick his own butthole for like, three hours.

Nothing else,” Slanger said, throwing her arms up then sparking a cigarette, a habit she’d recently picked up as a result of the combined stress of finals and cat ownership. “Cat’s aren’t as funny as the Internet makes them seem.” Slanger sighed out a cloud of blue smoke.

Sophomore Eric Marcus reported similar unexpected issues, stating that he was sick of his therapy cat “taking [his] fucking chair every time [he] gets up to get a drink.” Marcus tried to remember what test he

Jack Baker signed up for the therapy cat program under the impression that, much like an adorable puppy, it would be able to increase what he called “his pull percentage.”

“Yeah, I know it smells like cat piss. It’s okay, I hate it too,” said junior Mary Jacobsen, referring to the acrid piss stench that was blatantly making us squint. “You just never really think of [reeking urine] when you’re bobbing a string in front of a playful kitten.” Jacobsen then began brushing white cat hair off her black pants, but this proved to be in vain.

“Let me tell you this much, dude,” Baker said, starting what clearly would be a harrowing and insightful bit of advice. “Chicks don’t give a shit about cats; this prissy little shit has totally wrecked my game.” Baker detailed the support behind his claim, citing that cats aren’t “manly or cool,” and are “always either scratching you

or running away.” Baker then made a face that could only mean that a shitty joke was soon to follow, and then added, “Plus, I can think of a better way to relieve stress that involves pussy.” Baker turned to his cat and held out his fist for knucks, before the cat licked its crotch and walked away. “Ugh, what's even the point?”

PAGE 7• THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THERAPY CATS PROGRAM A FINALS SEASON FAILURE

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

A VISIT FROM THE CHIEF Kat Vandelay wrote this

'Twas the night before finals, when all through the dorms, All the students were cramming, which was not the norm.

The textbooks were studied thoroughly with care, In hopes that the new knowledge soon would stick there.

My roommate was focused, running on caffeine, While I sat there in silence, reading my screen.

And frat guys were hammered, super-trashed at the bars, With desperate girls flirting and staring, how bizarre.

So up to the top of 309 he went, With a six pack of beers, the chase I underwent.

And then, in a moment, I heard from above, His fancy footwork, so honored and with love.

As I took the final steps up onto the roof, He looked at me with wisdom, his gaze was the proof.

He was dressed in feathers, from his head to his feet, And his clothes were all polished, so perfect and neat.

He stood with dignity though he was taboo, The students all loved him, he smiled, he knew.

When out on the Quad there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.

On the 22N I rode like a flash, Ran out to the Union, I made a quick dash.

His eyes—how they twinkled!

His headdress, how noble!

His makeup was flawless, his legend was global.

His form stood proudly, like way back in ’07, His arms like an arrow shot right up to heaven.

My iPhone gleamed brightly, it lit up the snow I sent a quick tweet, to let followers know.

When suddenly I caught him, my eyes they saw, The Chief standing proudly, my jaw dropped in awe.

He led me back down all the way to my room, I must return, my studying to resume.

He walked with a purpose, his legs in a hurry, But his demeanor was calm, and gone was my worry.

With the perfect past mascot so lively and free, I was certain the campus would squeal with glee.

He raised up his arms, like he always would do, And he started to dance, while singing this tune:

My books were still open, waiting to be reviewed, My heart began pounding, I felt totally screwed.

With a wink, the Chief smiled, turning his head To have me know I had nothing to dread;

“Now, Oskee! Now, Wow-Wow! Now, bleed the orange and blue!

On, Alma! On, Mater! On, U of I, woo-hoo!

To the top of Altgeld! To the top of Noyes Lab! Fight, Illini, fight! Your teams are too drab!”

He spoke not a word and left me to my work, My roommate glared harshly, his night without perks.

I brewed a fresh pot to help focus my mind, My adventure refreshed my rough study grind.

As he danced through the Quad the Chief made his way, Down the street of Green, yes he pranced and he swayed.

I watched the Chief off to inspire another, To motivate students to pass without smother.

But I head him exclaim, as he walked out of sight--“Happy finals to all, and to all a good night!”

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PRO TIPS

THE TOP TEN

PRESENTS UIUC NEEDS Thinking up gift ideas for a loved one can be difficult, especially for someone who already has everything.

If you happen to be a rich alumnus looking to spend gobs of money on your Alma Mater, here’s a few nondenominational gift ideas courtesy of The Black Sheep.

10.) A Football Coach: Illinois has been seriously lacking a coach since 2012 and we've all noticed. If some generous soul wants to hire a skilled football coach, Illini fans will be eternally grateful. Our old boy Ronnie is lookin’ for work.

HOW TO STUDY AT THE UGL

LIKE A FREAKIN' BOSS KT wrote this Everyone at the University of Illinois knows that finals week is essentially hell week, and the libraries are a direct reflection of that. Many students don’t know what to expect from their friendly local library during this week, so lucky for you, The Black Sheep has created a guide to studying at the UGL. Here are some of our tips, because everyone in the library has gone a little crazy this time of year.

Stick with your kind (i.e. major): Every student prepares for finals differently, and people from different majors tend to clash. Engineers get offended by the liberal arts students who are just now stressing about class, and the liberal arts students are offended by the engineers who think they’re better than anyone else. It’s best just to stay out of everyone's way, so you don’t find yourself trapped in a classic “calculator vs. philosophy” fight.

Avoid the kid who is on his sixth large coffee from Espresso Royale: Caffeine is great, but it can turn people into monsters when consumed in vast quantities, especially in highly stressful situations.

If you see someone sitting next to you who is twitching uncontrollably and reciting lecture notes a mile a minute, it may be time to leave before you get a pencil shoved in your eye.

Befriend the librarians: UGL is notorious for making people throw out their food and study snacks, so buddy up with good ol' Cindy (one of the librarians has to be named that, right?), and let her feed you granola bars from her secret stash.

Not only will you never go hungry during finals week, but the next time you bring a Jimmy John’s

sandwich with you to study you’ll be greeted with a wink and the “OK” hand sign from your new pal.

Set up a perimeter around your study table so no one bothers you: An easy way to do this is with yellow police tape, which should be easy to snag with all of the crime happening on campus.

A guard dog might help too, but the most effective way would be building a fortress around your table with bricks. It might be impossible to get out of, but it's guaranteed no one will come in and bother you.

Better yet, just make one of the cubicles on the second floor your temporary home: Many students practically live at the UGL during finals week because it’s open 24 hours a day, so why not just make living arrangements? The first and most important thing to do would be to rent it out for every time slot available on the UGL website, and once you’re all set with that, have fun decorating your new home! Make sure to bring your pillows to create a makeshift bed out of the table, and remember that each cubicle is equipped with a TV for optimal Netflix viewing. That's all the essentials, right?

Our biggest tip to you, dear reader, is to simply not to study at the UGL. If you do feel some compelling urge to study there, our tips should help you survive. But heed this advice and you will keep your sanity. Our suggestion?

Study at Murphy’s. You can throw down pints while you’re doing work. That’s our kind of studying.

9.) A Second Chipotle: Sure, two of the same fast food chains within a 0.1 mile radius seems excessive (looking at you, Wendy’s), but when you consider the line to get a burrito is visible from outer space, two Chipotles doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Hell, you could put them right next to each other and nobody would complain.

8.) A Finished Assembly Hall (State Farm Center, fine): Some great shows have been coming to Illinois and the only venue available is Foellinger Auditorium, which, according to Bo Burnham, looks like the setting of “an old slave-trading auction.” Even Hoodie Allen made fun of Foellinger when he performed.

Sure, it’s fine for Econ 103, but the Illini deserve something better.

7.) Another Engineering Building: Thanks alumni, for paying for part of the new ECE building (thanks, Illinois taxpayers for paying for the rest), but who couldn’t use another state-of-the-art, multimillion dollar project that benefits only a small percentage of students? Plus, the residents who live near the Engineering Quad already miss the sound of construction noises 24/7.

6.) Reparations for the Lost Snow Day: Hey, sure, it didn’t actually snow at all, but students are still bitter and will beat this dead horse until the end of time. Just give us the Monday after Easter off and we’ll call it even.

5.) A Mascot: The lack of school spirit at sporting events is due to the lack of a mascot (or maybe lack of a defense). How about the Fighting Lincolns? Or, you know, just bring the Chief back. We promise to curb the racist tweets in exchange!

4.) Fire for the Eternal Flame: Because the not-so-eternal flame is missing the most important part, the flame-ness. If you want the students’ dreams to be ignited by a spark of hope, first ignite the supposedly eternal fire with a spark and some kerosene.

3.) A Medical School: There are talks about starting a med school soon, which is good because no selfrespecting university can function without one. What would we do without self-righteous med students prancing around campus? The engineers aren’t nearly conceited enough, sorry, engineering students.

2.) A New-Old President: It’s too early to judge Mr. Killing (Killeen?) but there’s something about his smug little grin that suggests he’s no Robert Easter. Bring back President Easter so The Black Sheep can continue writing about his old adventures (and informing readers that he exists).

1.) Better Weather: Talking to you, Mother Nature. Please let up on the harsh winter winds and freezing rain just once. Illinois students could do with just one year exempt from the effects of climate change. If we wanted the wind, we would have gone to UIC. The Gonz wrote this

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Senior Night - No Cover 21+

Appleseed Girls at 9:30 - Try some Cider!, $10 Bud Lt Buckets (U Pick 5), $6 Pitchers, $3 UV Drinks, $2 Fireball $2 UV SALTY CARMEL VODKA UV Girls 10pm

Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

No Cover!

ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

No Cover!

ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers After Trivia: Goth/Industrial Night

Thirsty Thursday!

No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2.50 Domestic Beers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

Thursday 12/18

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 12/19

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

Klub Kam’s w/ DJ Delicato at 10! $3.50 Captain Cannonballs $2 Smirnoff Sour Shots, $2 Pie Hole Shots, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt

BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Saturday 12/20

$10 Large Cheese Pizzas after 10pm

ILLINI GAMEWATCH: ILL AT MIZZ 1PM $2 BBall Coors Lt Pints, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Piehole Shots

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Sunday 12/21

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Buy Your Kam's NYE Tickets Now! We're Selling Out Fast!

KamsNYE.bpt.me $1 Drinks ALL Night!

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

THE BAR GRID

WEDNESDAY: Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

TUESDAY: $2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)

The Best NYE Party on Campus! $1 U CALL IT $2 Top Shelf - Live DJ Get your Tickets Now! Selling Fast! RedLionChampaign.com

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12!

3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

Karaoke New Year at White Horse!

First 50 Tickets are $15 or 2 for 20! $1 Wells, Miller Lights & Vegas Bombs $2 Bacardi Bombs, $3 Miller/ Coors Lt. Pitchers Free Champagne Toast, Decorations, Hats and Giveaways ALL Night!

FREE Big Breakfast the Next Morning

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Tall Boys

$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)

SENIOR NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Btls

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

Tuesday 12/16

Logo Glass Day $6 Pitchers of PBR and Hamms

$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)

$4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Beam Fire Whiskey

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Wednesday 12/17

$4.25 Martinis

SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff $3 Bud Light

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

Friday 12/19

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Captain, Crown, & 3 Olives Drinks

Saturday 12/20

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

Sunday 12/21

$2.50 Specialty Pints and Bottles Christmas Sale! All Previous Logo Glasses are Only $0.50!

$5 Double Wild Turkey or Skyy $3 Sam Adams Family and Angry Orchard Pints

$3 Goose Island Family

Trivia Night! $2 Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite and Rolling Rock Drafts

10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles

$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup

5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)

Red Lion NYE 2015!

Red Lion NYE 2015 A TIcket to Lion NYE has Perks!

Free Admission to Eve of the Eve! Free Appetizer Buffet at FIrehaus on New Years Day for Winter Classic between the Hawks vs Capitals

Red Lion NYE 2015!

The Best NYE Party on Campus! $1 U CALL IT $2 Top Shelf - Live DJ Get your Tickets Now! Selling Fast! RedLionChampaign.com

$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills

Thursday 12/18

1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

ON THE STREETS

the madlib

SITTING

What do you wish you had told yourself on the first day of the semester?

SANTA’S LAP

MICHELLE

ON

"Drink more."

Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year.

VAL

"Use less condoms."

Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass?

This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__-free zone.

It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__?

Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around.

Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.

CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun

11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb

MARY HELEN

"Don't let the bastards put you down."

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 6 ou

Patrick’s Answers

PATRICK DUNN, FORMER ILLINI KICKER

THE DRINKING GAME

Correct Answers

1) No idea 2) Eight 3 )Not too sure 4) Big Mouth Billy Bass! 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) No idea 8) Bethlehem 9) No idea 10) Atlanta

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

CELEBRATING THE END

FINALS FEAST

Nice job, bud! You did it. You made it to the end of the semester, despite getting an F on your midterm and drunkenly emailing your professor with an attached photo of your ass for him to kiss. Now it's time to celebrate the end of the shittiest five months of your academic life. Drink up, buttercup.

Know how they say you need to eat a ton of carbs the night before running in a big marathon? Well, for finals, you're going to need to eat about double that shit just to keep your sanity. We hope you never gained your freshman 15, because you're about to get it now.

What You'll Need: Your books, a bottle of champagne, a lighter, and access to your email.

Level of Intoxication: “I just got an A+ on my engineering final!” drunk How to Play: - Hand in your last final and run to a liquor store for some champagne.

- Drink for every sucker walking to their exams. They have backpacks and the grim spectre of death on their faces.

- Get home, take out your books, and burn them with a lighter.

- Drink for every page you didn't read as they slowly burn into the ether.

- Finish the bottle if you read everything you were supposed to.

- Open your laptop and send an “IN YOUR FACE” email to your professor.

The Game Ends When: You realize when checking your schedule that you have the same professor next semester.

What You'll Need: About $200, a sweet tooth, and no regrets.

Fatty Factor: About as much as you'll need your grades to be weighted. Oh, and you’ll definitely have a curve after this.

Let's Get Baked: - Take a study break and head to the store. It's not an excuse, you're on a mission.

- Buy every pint of ice cream they have, plus all the chocolate you can find.

- Once you run your bank account low on sweets, head home.

- Smell and eat all the chocolate you can. Melt the rest in a bowl.

- Now move onto the ice cream. Pour your remaining chocolate goop over your empire of pints.

- Eat until you pass out or lose all your teeth.

Now that your food baby can relax you, you'll be able to knock out these finals, no problem! Worst case scenario: You drop $200 on delicious food and actually enjoy yourself for once.

BOOZE REVIEW Beck’s Sapphire

Grade: A-

Yes, Finals Week is upon us, and yes, that unfortunately signifies the time of the semester when cheap liquor is traded for cheap coffee. Well, unless you’re slated to graduate early and grades mean bugger all to you at this point. But for the average Joe/Jane students who are subjected to a week of bubbling in Scantrons and trying to bullshit their way to between five and seven pages worth of material on Ulysses, beer is probably going to be the best choice for winding down after a long day’s work of wasting thousands of dollars in tuition. Luckily, Beck’s Sapphire tallboys are cheap enough to drown those woes with a sufficient level of alcohol content for any bummed out business major (and it ain’t half bad).

Smells Like: It’s Beck’s, so pretty much every other canned tallboy beer that you’ve had the misfortune of sniffing. If anything, it’s scented better than the steaming pile of shit that econ exam just took on you.

Tastes Like: The perfect cross between the cheapness of Natty piss water and the regality of bitter IPAs. We were hoping the black can meant black licorice would somehow come into the mix, but our disappointment is reflected in our grade.

Tex Mex Wrote This

SAVE $199

WITH ZERO DEPOSIT + RATES AS LOW AS $664

Typical Drinkers: - Impulse buyers surprised that the price tag isn’t a crippling mistake.

- Students looking to slowly transition into their “rickety parents” phase in life.

- A fatal four way of friends who all unabashedly bombed their calc final.

- The “I studied for two hours before the exam, get

off my ass, Dad” student.

User Comments: - “I studied for two hours before the exam. Get off my ass, Dad!” - “At this point, the taste of my tears and this beer has become synonymously delicious.”

- “Yeah, it’s a four packet. No, not for one beer after each final. Four after each.”

- “Why is this bottle black even though it’s called 'Sapphire?' I may have turned in the worst studio art project ever conceived, but I at least know my goddamn colors.”

You'll Like This if You Like: A decent postexam beer that won’t dig too deeply into your “Emergency Depression Chipotle” account.

Best Described as a Lyric from a Beck Song: “That’s why / I pay no mind.” But like, keep that droning until you successfully block final grade postings out of your reality.

What Your Creative Writing Professor Would Say If He Saw You Drinking This: “Ah, I see you have an interest in pursuing an M.F.A. postundergrad!”

Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Carpal tunnel, coffee-stained gum, a burrito bowl with extra steak (you’re goddamn right there’s guac on it) Canned, Bottled, or Draft?: Canned, because picking shards of glass out of your forehead is kind of a pain in the ass. And brain.

Karaoke New Year’s eve at White Horse inn First 50 Tickets are $15 2 for $20!

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Free Champagne Toast, Decorations, Hats and Giveaways ALL Night

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$1 Wells and Miller Lights $1 Vegas Bombs, $2 Bacardi Bombs $3 Miller and Coors light Pitchers

FREE Big Breakfast the Next Morning!

(217) 328-2865 • 510 EAST JOHN STREET • CHAMPAIGN

Adderall-Experimenting Student’s Room Spotless Before Final Exam

TBS Pro Tips: What to Do When Stumped by an Exam Question

CHAMPAIGN – At approximately 4:36 a.m., freshman Six Pack resident Danny Halpert’s dorm room is looking “pretty darn clean” less than three hours away from his first 8:00 a.m. final. After popping his roommate’s last prescribed Adderall, Halpert’s ongoing study break has been doing wonders for his Snyder Hall dorm room.

Oh no! It’s here! That dreaded trick question that’s been stumping you for at least half the exam!

While you’ve left #36 blank on your Scantron for now, you think “I’ll go back to it after I finish the rest of the exam.” But fear not! Just narrow down your choices and use these Pro Tips as your emergency cheat sheet.

Tex Mex wrote this

“Just look how clean my room is now!” jolted an excessively jittery Halpert as he finished vacuuming that one patch of the floor for the third time. “I mean, no wonder I wasn’t able to focus before amongst all that filth! Wait, do you think my desk should be over here? I think it might look better over there.

I’m going to move it over there.

Yeah, that’ll look much better.

Yes.” While Halpert has yet to open his ECON 102 textbook, he has continuously reassured himself that his remodeling session will yield him the perfect studying

environment free of all distractions.

“I just couldn’t focus with all this… blech going on in my room, you know? It’s like… it’s like…shit, man, you know? I’m just really close to completely zen-ing out this place. Except I don’t like how that poster looks over there. And I could’ve sworn I dusted my bedframe like, an hour ago. Why is my bedframe dusty? See that dust? Hang on, I need to get rid of this dust.”

Halpert is determined to pop open his textbook and get his all-nighter really started as soon as he figures out why his desk slants at a slight 86-degree angle. He asserted that studying at his desk in its current state would “throw off [his] academic balance and just… ugh, you know?”

The desk’s alignment to the floor is expected to be fixed following Halpert’s fifth masturbation break.

Tex Mex wrote this

Pro Tip 1: Understand This Question and This Question Alone Makes or Breaks Your Grade: You’ve done the math and figured out exactly how many questions you can answer incorrectly on this exam to pass unscathed. That number is 13, and you’re pretty sure you’re not so sure about nailing a good 13 questions. You have a 25% chance of getting this question right, and a 75% chance to watch

your barely passable grade tank into the black abyss of failure. That’s an abyss your GPA is never likely to emerge from.

Pro Tip 2: If Your GPA Sinks Any Lower, No One Will Hire You: When’s the last time an employer other than your haggard uncle was impressed with a twopoint-whatever GPA? The answer to this question?

Never. Employers want only the finest and brightest of graduates to cultivate tomorrow’s workforce innovators. If you get #36 wrong, you’re assisting in the suicide of your aspirations of ever becoming a fruitful and productive member of adult society.

you your post-graduate career prospects, your chance to marry the person of your dreams, the opportunity to settle down and raise two beautiful children (one boy, one girl, just like you always wanted), the luxury of comfortably retiring at a reasonable age, and the ability to travel the world as an old sage with a lifetime of experience and

triumph. No, incorrectly answering #36 will earn you a hypothermic death on a rainy street outside of a soup kitchen, forgotten by everyone save for the rat who nibbles at your lifeless ear.

So, don’t fret, fellow student! Just take a deep breath, and give it an educated guess! It’s only a silly test!

Pro Tip 3: You’ll Likely Die Cold and Alone: Incorrectly answering #36 doesn’t just cost

GO HOME SuburbanEXpress

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CHARITABLE ENGINEER STILL LOOKING TO GIVE AWAY FREE MRS DEGREE Squirrel Man wrote this

Richie Richington is an engineering student at the University of Illinois who has a shitload of money. Coming from an aristocratic family, and with a high level of intellect, Richington decided to pursue an engineering degree at UIUC – for the sole purpose of marrying a “gold-digger whore.” But Richington is now in his fourth year of college, and he is yet to find a woman who will tolerate his presence, much less one who’ll accept a charitable MRS degree from him.

“I simply do not understand the riffraff,” he said, commenting on his fellow students. “I’ve heard tell of the females’ desire to wed a respectable, upper-class gentleman whilst in college, preferably one with an engineering background, and yet here I am with nary a mate to speak of.

The woman’s heart hath no consistency.”

Richington began his search for a trophy wife in his engineering classes.

He announced to the handful of girls in his first ECE course that he is incredibly

wealthy, citing his family's residence in Lake Forest. He then stated his intention of finding a suitable woman to perform wifely duties in his mansion upon marriage and asked if any females cared to fill this role. After being told to “go fuck [himself ],” it became obvious this was not the demographic of women Richington should concern himself with.

If Richington was to give away an MRS degree, he had to involve himself more directly with the commoners. That's why throughout his college career, he frequently visited bars and parties, which he felt were far below his monetary and intellectual status. Richington flaunted his wealth at Joe’s, in the hopes of fishing for gold-diggers: in particular, he liked to “accidentally” drop a wad of cash in front of attractive girls and to say, “Oh dear, it seems that I’ve dropped $2,000. Ah, well.

It’s not worth the effort to pick it up.” Yet, these women believe his strategy is crass and patronizing.

“Who does this guy think he is?” asked one hot chick, who’s personally seen Richington’s "drop-a-large-sum-ofmoney-by-accident" ploy on multiple occasions. “Just because he can buy a small island, doesn’t mean I’d ever go out with him. This isn’t the 1950s. Women don’t need a man to make all their money.

Frankly, I’m insulted. Although, come to think of it, my best friend Britney is a golddigging slut. I’ll have to introduce them.”

After years of failed attempts to “woo” materialistic women, Richington now thinks the reason nobody wants to date him is because he’s a rich guy. “Oh, sure, girls say they want a rich guy,” ranted Richington. “But when they meet a rich guy like myself, they put him in the dreadful friend-zone, or they ignore him outright. Instead, they date some plebeian and complain that he doesn’t earn enough money. I swear, uppermiddle-class women disgust me.”

In a last-ditch effort to get a trophy

wife before he graduates, Richington has started to present himself as a poor college student. He wishes to distance himself from the “rich guy” image. Rather than wearing Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and throwing around cash, today he’s wearing wholesale generic clothing from

Walmart and complaining about student debt. Still, he remains as unpopular with the ladies as ever. It only goes to show that at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much money you have: What truly matters is whether you’re attractive or not.

The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles

If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters

1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”

“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”

2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”

3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”

“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.”

“I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”

4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.”

5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”

“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”

“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”

#SMH PAGE 21 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Freshman Confuses ICES Forms

for ISIS Recruitment Morgan Sherlock wrote this

For students at UIUC, the final day of classes is celebrated as not only a day when they can finally relax enough to accept that no one is getting a real job anyway, but also a chance to tell instructors how they really feel through passive-aggressive Scantrons. Students are able to ream teachers through ICES forms, full of comments as fiery as the hell teaching assistants crawled out of. However, due to recent events, freshman Alex Hermann has confused the purpose of these ICES forms with a recruitment ploy for the Middle Eastern terrorist group ISIS. According to Hermann, this semester’s profound campus safety issues have not helped the students feel comfortable on campus, further creating a credible argument towards UIUC's collaboration with ISIS. “I wanted to transfer right then but my mom just told me to stop acting like a little bitch,” said Hermann, who seemed worriedly used to this term of

endearment. “And now that no one is reacting to these ISIS forms, I know that everyone here is just brainwashed.”

Apparently, Hermann has recruited other students against the ICES forms, creating a peaceful petition on the Quad, holding posters saying, “Pencils Down, Don’t Recruit!”

“We're just trying to show people that this terrorist expectation cannot be a part of a traditional college education,” freshman Lindsey Mackey said. “We realize everyone else is brainwashed and probably don’t even know what they are complicit in.” There were three students marching, including Hermann and Mackey, and the group was quickly disbanded by further enraged, legitimate Michael Brown protests.

Allie Jones, a classmate of Hermann’s, was able to witness his initial reaction to the ICES forms. “When our TA said that

WHICH BAR

he was handing out ICES forms, Alex immediately started getting incredibly sweaty and kept worriedly checking his surroundings in the lecture hall,” said Jones. “I heard him mutter to himself, ‘Oh, Jesus, God, they’re here…’ right before our TA was going to announce the instructions. When he began passing out the forms, Alex just started hyperventilating and ran out of the classroom. Our TA hadn’t even left the room yet.”

“That kid is an L-seven weenie,” reported Hermann's classmate, Jack Danderdan.

“We could all hear him screaming, ‘Take your Islamic State business elsewhere!’ and that all went south even further when he busted out the racist slurs.

It was definitely hilarious, but kind of scary.”

The class TA's response was one of relief. “He’s the kid that you worry about turning in a shitty ICES form because he

ARE YOU GOING TO TONIGHT? Jupiter Stevens wrote this

just complains about everything,” said graduate student Robert Hubner. “I was pretty happy when he ran out of the class. It was a nice way to wrap up the year.”

Even though Hermann’s own rallies have proved a major failure in spreading across campus, he's still determined to ignite awareness about the dangers of ISIS and the apparent risk of filling out “ISIS forms.”

So, we heard you feel like going out tonight? No matter how you're feeling, our staff thinks it can predict exactly where you're going. Depending on how you're feeling or what you're trying to do, let's see where you're headed: You're Trying to Get Lucky: Alright, horn-dog. You feel like tonight's your night? You're feeling pretty good about yourself? We see you spraying your best cologne, brushing your teeth (for once), and putting on your nicest shirt. We don't need to be poker champions to figure out what's in the cards for you tonight.

All that's on your mind is which sorority chick you can convince first that you're the heir to a Fortune 500 company.

Where you're headed: Red Lion You Haven't Showered in 3 Weeks but You’re Trying to Blend In: Don't worry, man. We know how it is. You get wrapped up in school, your work schedule is killing you, you barely have time to eat. The last thing you have time for is to sit under some water doing nothing for a few minutes. You still deserve to go out and you're gearing up to forget everything weighing on your mind, but there's one problem: You smell like the back-end of a homeless guy on Green St. However, that's not stopping you from your one night of fun.

Where you're headed: KAM's You Have an Itch to Whittle: You've

been holed up in your apartment for the past three weeks watching Parks and Recreation and every time you find yourself unglued from the TV, you find yourself acting like Ron Swanson. While you're still a novice, you've taken up whittling and can't stop no matter how hard you try. You want to go out with your friends, but you need some wood to occupy yourself. Luckily, there's one place on campus where you can scratch away at the tables like a neglected cat.

Where you're headed: Murphy's You Want to Play Bags in December: All summer long you were able to perfect the art of throwing bags. You even won a tournament with your best friend one night at Red Lion. The problem is, it's freezing balls outside and there's nowhere to play bags anymore until spring. “Wait a minute,” you think as you're trying to decide where you and your buds should go for a drink. “There is one place...”

Where you're headed: Brother's You Want to Show Everyone How Much You Know Sports: “Sick! Did you see that save? Corey Crawford has looked better than ever this year. I mean, look at his save percentage.” Sound familiar?

That's you every time a hockey puck flies across the television screen. You've been dying to show everyone how much you know about sports and how much of a die-hard fan you've always been. Strap

“While this is a public university and people are allowed to join terrorist groups as they please, it is not okay to be forced into joining anything,” claimed Hermann in a long Reddit post on r/UIUC. “You don’t see me running around, telling everyone to read the Torah and wear a yarmulke, but I do it and I mind my own goddamn business.

And these ISIS people should respect that and do the same.”

on your jersey, kid, 'cause we know exactly where you're going out tonight.

Where you're headed: Firehaus You Don't Want to See Anything: Studying for finals has given you the world's longest migraine and you can't stand to look at the light. The problem is, your friends want to go out and you're tired of staring at chemistry equations.

Luckily for you, there's one bar on campus as dark as the Bat Cave. Shut off the lights, bud. It's time to go out!

Where you're headed: Cly's You're Only Friends With 30-Year-Olds: It's tough getting along with everyone in college. That's why you branched out – far out. You and your already-divorced townie friends are still looking to go out tonight, though. But to a campus bar?

Hell no. You're going out to downtown Champaign, of course.

Where you're headed: Blind Pig You're Just Not Feeling Full-Frat: You've started to grow tired of the frat scene, but you don't know how to tell your bros.

You trick 'em a bit by recommending a neutral site – a place where bros and GEEDs can drink alike – but you don't frame it that way: “Hey, you guys want to do karaoke tonight?” They'll buy that.

And you'll buy drinks all night while you're finally having a good time while you're out.

Where you're headed: White Horse

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

What’s the best way for you to

procrastinate for finals week?

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz Finals are literally the end of the world. But to what length would you go to get out of finals altogether this semester? Let's find out: 1. How far in advance do you look up your finals?

A. First day of classes.

B. Beginning of November.

C. I’ll, uh, get back to you on that…

2. When are most of your finals scheduled for?

A. All are held in class before Finals Week even starts.

B. Last couple days of Finals Week.

C. First couple days of Finals Week.

3. Where do you study for finals?

A. Grainger B. The comfort of my own couch.

C. UGL 4. How are your finals structured?

A. Essay exams B. Multiple choice C. Open book 5. How much does your final grade depend on your final exam score?

A. It could really help.

B. It’s life or death.

C. Meh. I could take it or leave it.

8-13: Y’all are just lazy: Huh, you actually seem pretty prepared for your finals. Chances are you

6. What is your preferred study method?

A. Actually read chapters 6-12 and 22 at least a full day before the exam.

B. Skimming the bolded key terms 20 minutes before the exam.

C. I’ve been completing the optional chapter recap assignments since day one.

You bribe a CUMTD bus driver to run you over, maybe breaking your arms or collapsing a lung. That’ll book you some time in Carle. But it’s probably not going to get you out of finals for good. We’re willing to bet that your professor would be happy to mark your test as you recite your answers out loud from your hospital bed.

7. Be honest, how do you stay focused?

A. …Huh? Sorry, what?

B. By taking my “prescribed” Adderall for my “ADHD.” C. MERRY ANN’S ENDLESS COFFEE, AHAHAHAHAHAHA. 8. How many fucks do you give about finals?

A. All of my fucks for all of eternity.

B. 10 fucks.

C. Look at my hand. See how it’s empty?

That’s how many fucks I give.

might just be way too lazy this semester to even give them a passing glance.

14-19: Hm. You might want to emergency drop a class or two…: To get out of finals, you decide it’d require less effort to enroll in the military, cross your fingers you get deployed, and then hope the university won’t make you take your finals because you’re serving your country.

Still, that sounds like a lot of work. Yeah, just say you’re sick or something and get those puppies pushed back a week or two.

20-24: GET OUT OF THERE, MAN. ABORT. ABORT.: With your parents ready to cut you

off for once again breaking your “I swear next semester will be better” promise, taking your finals would be pretty disastrous. To get out of finals, you’re going to pull a Gone Girl. Take your own blood and smear it around the apartment. Keep a journal leading up to finals about how you don’t feel safe. Frame your closest confidant.

ANSWER KEY:

1) A1 B2 C3 2) A3 B2 C1

3) A1 B3 C2 4) A1 B2 C3

5) A2 B1 C3 6) A2 B3 C1

7) A3 B2 C1 8) A1 B2 C3

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Winnie Bago wrote this