The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 22, Issue 2 • 1/23/13 - 1/29/13
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The Disturbing Truth Behind The Illini’s Recent struggles - The Truth May Shock You! Benny Boy wrote this Was it all a dream? For a fleeting moment last November it felt as if the University of Illinois was going to have a winning team. Now, midway through the semester, the Illini are suffering punishing losses by teams like Northwestern who, in official basketball terms, suck ass. Students and faculty of the university are in mental and spiritual disarray, as the team they once believed in collapses before their eyes like a sick and dying dog. “I tell you, at the beginning of the season that team soared higher and farther than anybody in this gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made these cornfields dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Champaign felt school pride,” stated senior student Ellis R., just before he solemnly sauntered off into the distance. As the feelings of despair begin to fade from U of I’s student body, they are replaced by feelings of anger and vengeance. What was the reason for such a sharp decline in performance from this team who, now halfway through the season, must win seven straight games in a grueling Big Ten in order to stay in tournament talk? The town of Champaign, with pitchforks and torches in hand, demanded to hear from head coach John Groce's reasons for these recent embarrassments and whether or not he deserved to keep his job for a second season. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here, people,” John Groce said in a press conference earlier this week, “I’m not going to talk around the issue and make up some bullshit excuse just to keep my job. The truth is,” Groce said as the press and townspeople leaned in closer with anticipation, “The truth is that our team is being haunted by the angry ghost of a dead Native American chief.” These words hung in the air for a moment before they were met by an outburst of panic from the audience. The religious members of the audience fell to their knees and began to pray, while most of the press affiliates busied themselves by beating each other with their cameras and jumping out of the third story window. While all of this was occurring a feeble looking, toothless Ron Zook stood in the back of the room yelling, “I told you! I told you!” The statement made by Groce ignited an uproar across the sports world. All over Champaign, students and faculty members began to rally for a solution to the ghost problem plaguing our young basketball team. Nathan Scheelhaase and other university athletes began to come forward in droves, all claiming that they have experienced similar poltergeists during their seasons. The story became so widespread that it appeared on the homepage of ESPN.com. While Groce began his “Down With The Ghost!” campaign, which
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included the selling of t-shirts and snap bracelets with cartoon Native American ghosts on them, other members of the team began to speak on the issue. When Brandon Paul was interviewed he stated, “I’m not sure what Coach is saying about that whole ghost thing. I think we just need to focus on our defense and try not to let our previous success get to our heads. And maybe shoot less threes. Just one game at a time, that’s all.” There are some students, however, who are not convinced by Groce’s ghost story. A new student group on campus has emerged claiming that the Illini’s recent losses are an inside job. “The numbers just don’t add up,” group leader “Mr. X” says. “How could a team that was in the top ten a few weeks ago all of a sudden lose to a team like Northwestern? No, no. It had to be an inside job,
what'’s inside
someone involved in school politics must have given the order. Maybe it was Groce, maybe it was Brandon Paul, maybe it was even the president.” When asked why anybody from the administration would ever purposely compromise the Illini basketball team, “Mr X” pouted and stared angrily at the ground in silence. “I think it’s all a bit silly, if you ask me,” guard D.J. Richardson said in response to the inside job allegations. “Basketball is a fairly long season, and there’s bound to be some bumps in the road. I think the best thing a fan can do is not look too far into it and to just support our attempt to win. The idea that people are coming up with complex reasons for our recent performance makes me sick to my stomach.”
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