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Volume 22, Issue 2 • 1/23/13 - 1/29/13
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The Disturbing Truth Behind The Illini’s Recent struggles - The Truth May Shock You! Benny Boy wrote this Was it all a dream? For a fleeting moment last November it felt as if the University of Illinois was going to have a winning team. Now, midway through the semester, the Illini are suffering punishing losses by teams like Northwestern who, in official basketball terms, suck ass. Students and faculty of the university are in mental and spiritual disarray, as the team they once believed in collapses before their eyes like a sick and dying dog. “I tell you, at the beginning of the season that team soared higher and farther than anybody in this gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made these cornfields dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Champaign felt school pride,” stated senior student Ellis R., just before he solemnly sauntered off into the distance. As the feelings of despair begin to fade from U of I’s student body, they are replaced by feelings of anger and vengeance. What was the reason for such a sharp decline in performance from this team who, now halfway through the season, must win seven straight games in a grueling Big Ten in order to stay in tournament talk? The town of Champaign, with pitchforks and torches in hand, demanded to hear from head coach John Groce's reasons for these recent embarrassments and whether or not he deserved to keep his job for a second season. “I’m not going to beat around the bush here, people,” John Groce said in a press conference earlier this week, “I’m not going to talk around the issue and make up some bullshit excuse just to keep my job. The truth is,” Groce said as the press and townspeople leaned in closer with anticipation, “The truth is that our team is being haunted by the angry ghost of a dead Native American chief.” These words hung in the air for a moment before they were met by an outburst of panic from the audience. The religious members of the audience fell to their knees and began to pray, while most of the press affiliates busied themselves by beating each other with their cameras and jumping out of the third story window. While all of this was occurring a feeble looking, toothless Ron Zook stood in the back of the room yelling, “I told you! I told you!” The statement made by Groce ignited an uproar across the sports world. All over Champaign, students and faculty members began to rally for a solution to the ghost problem plaguing our young basketball team. Nathan Scheelhaase and other university athletes began to come forward in droves, all claiming that they have experienced similar poltergeists during their seasons. The story became so widespread that it appeared on the homepage of ESPN.com. While Groce began his “Down With The Ghost!” campaign, which
Our Oscars: So Fresh and Clean
A whole category dedicated to Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Yum.
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included the selling of t-shirts and snap bracelets with cartoon Native American ghosts on them, other members of the team began to speak on the issue. When Brandon Paul was interviewed he stated, “I’m not sure what Coach is saying about that whole ghost thing. I think we just need to focus on our defense and try not to let our previous success get to our heads. And maybe shoot less threes. Just one game at a time, that’s all.” There are some students, however, who are not convinced by Groce’s ghost story. A new student group on campus has emerged claiming that the Illini’s recent losses are an inside job. “The numbers just don’t add up,” group leader “Mr. X” says. “How could a team that was in the top ten a few weeks ago all of a sudden lose to a team like Northwestern? No, no. It had to be an inside job,
what'’s inside
someone involved in school politics must have given the order. Maybe it was Groce, maybe it was Brandon Paul, maybe it was even the president.” When asked why anybody from the administration would ever purposely compromise the Illini basketball team, “Mr X” pouted and stared angrily at the ground in silence. “I think it’s all a bit silly, if you ask me,” guard D.J. Richardson said in response to the inside job allegations. “Basketball is a fairly long season, and there’s bound to be some bumps in the road. I think the best thing a fan can do is not look too far into it and to just support our attempt to win. The idea that people are coming up with complex reasons for our recent performance makes me sick to my stomach.”
continued on page 19
The Top 10: Worst Mascot Replacements
The iBieber Has Achieved Total Control
We're now the Fighting Illini Playboy Bunnies?
#Cut4Bieber was the second to last step in Steve Jobs' plans.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 5: Martin Luther K. Unchained MLK and Honest Abe fight together for Civil Rights.
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page 7: From the Studio, With Billy Joel Armstrong Green Day's new hit vaguely reminds fans of some other song...
page 8: The Trends of 2013: Boobs, Butts and Burnings and Ginger Love It will soon be even more acceptable to shop naked in County Market.
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page 9: NHL Lockout Brings Fans Back to the Bars Less time in between games means more time to drink.
Table of
page 10: Spielberg Releases Shittler's List Already Nominated for 2014 Academy Awards.
page 16: Bartenders of the Week Joe M. and Mo Money: Both single and ready with some shots.
page 17: Booze of the Week: Dobel Tequila Free tequila always taste good, or at least like a B+.
page 18: from the streets What's your goal for spring semester?
Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette
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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747
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page four Dear Mike, After doing some soul searching, I have decided to pursue a career in the field of competitive eating. Do you have any suggestions on how to better improve my eating skills? Sincerely, Hungry Dear Hungry, I am very glad to hear that you have made this decision. The world of competitive eating has been going through a slump the past couple years, and we need more bright young stars like you to give the sport a shot in the arm. When it comes to fixing up your game, you have to clear your mind of any preconceived notions of what competitive eating is all about. A main misconception is that one must starve himself before a match. This is a fundamentally flawed idea, because a competitive eater must be hungry for success, not hungry for 50 hot dogs. It is not about limiting portions, it is about choosing the right kinds of food. During the offseason, you need to be sure to drink 12 beers a day, along with a strict diet of pizza and au gratin potatoes for every meal. Burgers would work too. Basically, anything with cheese on it. A week before you have a scheduled match you need to remove all solid foods from your diet. Buy a blender and insert 2 cups of melted cheese, 1 tub of sour cream, 2 burger patties, 1 pickle for flavor, and 1 cup of protein shake. Do this for every meal. For the first few days your body will go into a state of complete shock and your bowels almost completely give out. However, if you allow enough time, your stomach should be large and empty. All you need to do after that is smoke a couple cigarettes before the match. The tar will coat your stomach, restricting your ability to sense when you are full. Good luck, Mike
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Highrant:
A person who is like, really stingy with letting someone borrow a bowl, man. “Pat, don’t be such a highrant, I just need to smoke a little so I can catch some z’s tonight, dude.”
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Karma Kardashian-West, Daughter of Kim and Kanye West, Dead at 27 Molly Forrest wrote this Karma Kardashian-West, born on July 4, 2013 on the South Side of Chicago, had always planned on following in her parents’ footsteps. Her mother, Kim Kardashian, launched into stardom by a sex tape and a derriere, was the star of an immensely popular stream of reality television shows. After a failed marriage to a currently-homeless NBA player, Kardashian found true love for sixteen months with Karma’s father, Kanye West, a producer, musician, and notorious egotist. From an early age Karma was in the public eye. She was a frequent guest on the TLC reality show The Kardashians: Kim and Kanye Get a Divorce but rarely appeared for more than fifteen minutes an episode. Later, Kris Kardashian revealed she thought Karma “just laid there… didn’t cry enough” in comparison with her superstar parents, and that, “She didn’t help us fuel our vapid money shower.” On the other hand, she was the most featured child ever in both US and People magazine. The first media-released photograph of baby Karma produced an extra $10 million dollars for the happy parents, merely petty cash to these multimillionaire media moguls. As a questionable Kanye lyric surfaced “I got a 10 million dolla baby / Ain’t nothing next to my Mercedes,” it was suggested that the two parents didn’t find value in empathizing with another human being besides themselves. When Karma reached her teen years she sought to follow her father’s music career. She spent almost a year in the studio with the best writers, producers, auto tuners, and stylists that money could buy, but she still couldn’t produce a hit. After failing as a teen hip-hop star, she decided to pursue an acting career. Karma’s father hired Will Smith and Morgan Freeman as her act-
ing coaches, but it was all for naught, her lone IMDB credit will forever be the voice of “Trout #2” in the Tyler Perry smash hit, Madea’s Gone Fishin’. After a series of failed auditions, Kim, on national TV, told her that perhaps she wasn’t pretty enough for Hollywood. This sent Karma in a downward spiral of depression that saw the sixteen-year-old capitalize on 2025’s looser regulations on plastic surgery laws. After five procedures that saw her lips plumped, butt plastic, and boobs enlarged, Karma was certain she was more ready for fame than ever before. While on set as a backup dancer for rapper Three ChainZ, Karma met Blue Ivy Knowles-Carter, who followed a similar path of musical disappointment as Karma. Tired of living under the immense shadow cast by her mother Beyonce’s bootylicious rump, Blue Ivy had no other options. The two decided that they were tired of the music video business and wanted to pursue something new. Both failures in the mainstream film business, the duo decided to test their luck in pornography. This was no run-of-the-mill porn. With an unlimited budget and Kanye West headlining as director, the film promised to be more art feature than smut session. The audience potential was huge, who wouldn’t want to watch two beautiful, rich, ethnic women go at it for an hour or so? Named My Beautiful Dark Fisted Fantasy, Kanye, Beyonce, and Jay-Z collaborated to create a soundtrack for the film, full of multiple rap battles and orgasmic moaning. The Kardashian sisters designed costumes made mostly out of black and white leather, and Fleshlight provided every sex toy the disturbed team could dream up.
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My Beautiful Dark Fisted Fantasy grossed over 16 million dollars in the first day. It also won a Grammy for Best Soundtrack and a People’s Choice Award for Best Film. The soundtrack topped iTunes’s charts within four minutes, and film memorabilia was a top holiday sale. There has also been talk recently of performing the love story on the Broadway stage, but no one has said yet if the girls will play themselves in the production, or if a few similarlooking prostitutes will just be picked up off the street. Prior to her tragic and sudden overdose on Klonopin, Karma was living comfortably with the money she made from the porn and was starring in her very own TV series, Keeping up with Karma and Jaden Smith. She is survived by her parents Kim and Kanye, and her brothers and sisters Kim II, Kahn, Kahnyee, Kimye, Kim ThreeThousand, and Karma Again.
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Martin Luther K. Unchained benny boy wrote this While Martin Luther King, Jr. was undoubtedly one of the most badass Americans to ever live, his holiday felt rather unappreciated this year. Part of the reason for this is that he does not have an interesting enough folklore surrounding him to make people want to get drunk in his honor. St. Patrick was only mildly badass, but after you tell somebody that he drove a bunch of snakes out of Ireland, then you have a party on your hands. Here is our tribute to this outstanding American in an attempt to get people excited about his holiday again.
“Just the man I am looking for. You know a man named George Wallace and can identify him on sight?”
The man is Martin Luther King, Jr., the state is Texas, and the country is the United States of America. It is a clear night in a lonely wooded corner of the great nation, and the only sounds which break the peaceful silence are the slow, trudging footsteps of Martin Luther King, Jr. and his black brothers who walk single file, shackled by the bonds of injustice. The hope that these men could one day achieve equality in the nation of liberty seemed fleeting, and whatever hope which existed in King’s heart seemed all but a distant dream.
“Hang on there, old man,” King said smiling, “You need to get out of the 1860s and into the 1960s. If we’re busting out of here, we're busting out of here in style,” King said as he showed Lincoln the keys to his 1962 Cadillac convertible.
“Halt!” the white man yelled atop his nag of inequity. A light appeared in the trees and appeared to be growing. “Who goes there?” the white man yelled. “Am I not allowed to travel through the nation which I kept in union?” the voice said in a bold, honeyed tone. Just then the mysterious light fell upon the face of a tall, bearded man with a stove-top hat. “Is that?” “The Great Emancipator. Yes. I am Abraham Lincoln, you have oppressed my people. Prepare to die,” Abraham Lincoln yelled as he removed a sawed-off, pump-action 12 gauge from his hat and shot the white man in his face, causing streams of red blood to meet the white moon and blue sky. “Look who hath perished from the Earth!” Lincoln yelled as a bald eagle screeched in the distance. Lincoln got off of his horse and approached King. “What is your name?” Lincoln asked.
“Martin Luther King, Jr.”
“Yes.” “Then we have work to do,” Lincoln said as he cut King’s shackles and lead him to his horse.
“Why, in an automobile so finely conceived and dedicated we shall long endure,” Lincoln and King laughed and drove off. After they got on the interstate King kicked the Cadillac into cruise control and Lincoln rolled up a joint. He began to explain to King that he had become something of a bounty hunter for freedom in his old age. He would roam the countryside as a spectre of tolerance and acceptance, exterminating any man who would restrict the freedoms of his fellow Americans. “Set the controls for Tuscaloosa, Alabama. We have a racist to take care of,” Lincoln said as King pressed on the gas and headed to the University of Alabama. When they arrived at the university, George Wallace was just beginning his Stand in the Schoolhouse Door speech. “That’s the guy,” King said, pointing to Wallace. “Perfect. You better handle this one. Now, do you want the snub-nose or the Desert Eagle?”
“Neither. Abe, while I appreciate what you do, I do not believe that violence is the answer to the problem of injustice,” King said. “Son, go and do what Lady Liberty tells you in your heart.” With a nod, King exited the vehicle and approached Wallace. An audible gasp emitted from the crowd as King approached Wallace, and Wallace rolled up his sleeves in anticipation of a fight. As Wallace was about to attack King, King yelled, “Wait!” and then delivered his infamous “I Have a Dream” speech. When he was finished, Wallace calmly approached King, looked at him for a minute, and then shook his hand. As the crowd began cheering, King grabbed the hand of Vivian Malone Jones and the two hopped into King’s Cadillac and drove off together. Lincoln was nowhere to be seen, but King heard, ever so softly, a voice which said, “You did good, kid. You did good,” as a stove top, hat-wearing bald eagle soared across the horizon.
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From the Studio,
with Billy Joel Armstrong rudolf wrote this Billy Joel sits in a smoke-filled recording studio writing songs for his next studio album. He stares blankly at an empty computer screen trying to come up with lyrics that sound like the ramblings of a menstruating, spoiled teenage girl. “I just don’t know if I can be relevant again,” Billy relates. Then, just like when he falls off the wagon, he spasms and snaps his neck back, as if coming out of a black out. “What if I simply remake an already popular song, but just play chords really fast so it sounds like something Green Day would do?” Billy thought. It wasn’t a completely original idea, but he knew that was normal for his weary mind. He sifted through his CD collection and decided to draw on some old favorites for inspiration. He popped in an album by The Kinks and remembered the time when he made “Warning” sound exactly like “Picture Book.” After a few tracks, he knew he wanted to take it to another direction. Next was a Dillinger Four CD, only leaving him to think of how they were the sole inspiration behind “American Idiot.” As Billy Joel went through one album after another, he came to the gleeful realization that he ripped off almost everything along the musical spectrum. He noted “21 Guns” is the Frankenstein’s Monster of thieved songs, stealing from Mott The Hoople, Avril Lavine, and Neil Young to make one giant conglomerate of all things not original. Even the solo is lifted from the Full House theme. “No wonder it’s so catchy and a great reminder of 90s youth,” Armstrong wonders out loud to no one in particular. “I sure am great.” Now Billy's mind is racing. He remembers that super catchy song “Summer of 69” by Bryan Adams. He notes the similarities to Green Day’s “Jesus of Suburbia,” because they are simply the same exact song. Armstrong smiles an evil smirk. “Oh, that huge Oasis hit ‘Wonderwall’,” he says to this intrepid reporter, “notice how similar it is to ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’! When Oasis calls you out for stealing from them, there’s a problem.” Still, Billy knows he would need to get crafty with his next hit. He’d have to lift something from a song everyone likes. He flipped on the radio. It only took one song for him to realize what he needed to do next. He could take the Carly Rae Jepsen song “Call Me Maybe” and totally revamp it. Instead of “Call Me Maybe,” the song would be “Fucking Call Me Possibly.” He would slightly
speed up the tempo, sing the exact same melody and just use distorted guitar chords. How could anyone ever find out where he got the idea for that song? However, not-so-young Billy knew that one hit song would not be enough for him to rise back to relevance. Another radical visual change is necessary as no one is emo and popular anymore. Billy Joel stated that he was planning on dying his hair bright pink, wearing skirts and thick horned-rim glasses, and would begin to speak in every interview about how he knew how awesome Green Day was before you did. Lately, Billy has been hard at work in the studio making songs that sound like slightly changed versions of Justin Bieber and Maroon 5 songs, but “punk” and “edgy.” The album, titled Who Fucking Cares That I Stole This Shit (You’re Still All Dumb Enough to Buy It), is slated for an early second quarter release. Look forward to having to skip their ads on Vevo instead of listening to the music you actually want to hear.
Our Oscars: So Fresh and Clean scotty g. wrote this The Academy Awards are coming up, and as usual, you might think they left out a couple great movies. It’s possible that you still haven’t forgiven them for not even nominating The Dark Knight for Best Picture in 2008. Or maybe you still can’t get over the fact that Inception wasn’t nominated for Best Achievement in Directing. From the sound of it, you seem like a big Christopher Nolan fan. But more importantly, this year they left out a few great categories. Here are a couple awards that were criminally left out of the ceremony along with their brilliant nominees.
attracted a more intelligent, nerdier crowd, they still raked in some money nonetheless. They deserve to have their own category. The amount of math almost hurts your brain as much as those movies that have you reading subtitles for two hours straight. Nominees: Zero Dark Thirty Seven Psychopaths This Is 40 Life of Pi
Best “Lincoln” Movie: The sixteenth president had a huge year in 2012. Honest Abe has been the driving force behind a wide variety of great films. No one knows why, but lately he’s been in more movies than Emma Stone. And although he’s not quite as boner-inducing as she is, he’s still pretty badass. Nominees: Lincoln Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter The Lincoln Lawyer
Best Joseph Gordon-Levitt Movie: JGL has been all over the place, starring in epic action movies, time travel action movies, and bicycle action movies. He’s trying so hard to break away from the cute little boy stigma he’s known for, but he just looks so adorable trying to seem tough. Even if we see Joey in a Scarface remake or getting as juiced as Arnold, he’ll still be a little baby boy whose cheeks you want to give a nice squeeze. Nominees: The Dark Knight Rises Looper Premium Rush Angels in the Outfield
Best Remake/Reboot: Nowadays, it seems like every movie is a remake/sequel/prequel/thinly-veiled-copyright-infringement. Rather than draw attention to the original works and unique stories of the year, let’s just give an award to the completely necessary, best doover film of 2012. Nominees: Dredd The Amazing Spiderman Total Recall The Bourne Legacy Snow White and the Huntsman The Three Stooges Zero Dark Thirty (Based on Barack Obama’s Live Announcement) Best Math Movie: Math has been a big influence in some of this year’s biggest contenders for best picture. Although these movies generally
Best Movie No One Has Seen: There are always a handful of movies that meet the following criteria: 1. Everyone agrees they are great. 2. No one has seen them. If you can Google the plot summary and have it memorized, you’re about as knowledgeable about the movie as everyone else is. Nominees: The Master Beasts of the Southern Wild Moonrise Kingdom Best Foreign Language Film: This category already exists, but they have the wrong nominees. These are the movies that you sit down at and have no idea what’s going on or what’s being said. You spend
too much time thinking, “Oh maybe he meant that…” that by the time you’ve got it together, you’ve missed fifteen minutes and the climax of the story. Nominees: Amour The Expendables 2 (Mumble mumble Sylvester Stallone mumble) The Dark Knight Rises (An unintelligible Bane) Come February 24th, stars richer than god himself will have an opportunity to add a little more gold to their collections. Still, we can’t help but feel remiss about the missed opportunities listed above. What’s the point of winning an award if you’re not even sure what it’s about? And what’s the difference between directing and cinematography anyway?
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The Trends of 2013: Boobs, Butts, Burnings and Ginger Love kimberly ann wrote this New year, new goals, new hopes, new slam pieces, new rejections. The beginning of the year is an exciting time, unless you’re a few months away from graduating. Then the start of 2013 just plain sucks. Keep an eye out for a few new trends to occur on campus in 2013 and make sure you hop on that bandwagon real quick, before you’re stuck sporting black frame glasses and vintage skinny jeans while pretending you’re too cool for your Tamagotchi. As for the nightlife in Champaign-Urbana, Canopy Club and the Silver Bullet will be bumpin’ with freshmen who can’t get into Kam’s. These spots will become almost as popular as Red Lion, a feat impressive to witness. The Silver Bullet will allow freshman enginerds their first (and potentially last) opportunity to touch a breast, so expect to see a rise in McKinley visits for erections lasting longer than four hours. The opening of a Wendy’s on campus will start a huge sexual revolution. No longer will students be disgusted by gingers, they will learn to lust after them, provided the redhead in question also comes with a few Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers, fries, and a Frosty to dip them in. With all this global warming bullshit society is eating up, clothing will continue to become smaller and smaller. Wearing a bikini to County Market will no longer be frowned upon, and sluts campuswide will be able to walk around shamelessly, leaving nothing to the imagination. This will make fall sorority rush a lot
more interesting, with hundreds of girls racing across the Quad in the nude, with a horde of horny boys following close behind. Gyms across campus will be emptied come Valentine’s Day, when some unfortunate students realize that their dreams of becoming fit in 2013 were crushed by the large amounts of chocolate they ate alone watching romance movies. And the more weight one gains, the less likely one is to find a lover any time soon. Because of these overweight, lonely girls, there will be a public burning of leggings on the Quad, thanks to one too many exposed butt cracks, egregious thunder thighs, and camel toes abound. All those in love with Mary Jane will be taking more “ski trips” to Colorado to enjoy her company legally. For those who consider themselves more of an alcohol fan than a pot smoker, there’s some good news for you as well. If Obama gets his way and minimum wage rises in Illinois, students will be saying bye to Burnett’s and hello to sultry lady Smirnoff. It’s about time to enjoy the finer, medium-shelf things in life. In the world of sports, fans will be crawling out of the woodwork to say they’ve been here this whole time. The battle of the hardcore and bandwagon fans will really heat up with hockey back in session, especially with the basketball team hitting their annual downward spiral. In the fall, the football team will have a kick-ass season … if…well, ok, that’s not going to happen.
Sometime in late April the entire campus will fall victim to a case of senioritis. This includes the freshmen who have still a few long, rigorous years ahead of them. Numerous soon-tobe graduates will be diagnosed with alcoholism after senioritis goes untreated for way too long. The above may make it seem like some drastic changes are coming to campus, but these things will happen so subtly that we’ll hardly be able to notice things changed at all. Where’s our anti-gravity busses, Champaign? The ones filled with mostly-naked, bi-curious students. We were promised the future, Champaign, we were promised the future!
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The
Top 10
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Worst Mascot Replacements
The Illinois Student Senate is trying this whole Campus Spirit Revival because they’re convinced that there’s some fun, creative replacement for the Chief out there. Even though they’re wrong, voting is open and the winner will be announced February 7. Whatever you do, don’t vote for any of the following.
NHL Lockout Brings Fans Back to the Bars mad max wrote this With the NHL lockout finally over, fans can now go back to pretending the only reason they are going to the bars on a daily basis is to watch the game. “Good that hockey season is starting up again,” a disheveled-looking man stumbling out of The Illini Inn said. “As a true hockey fan, without any game to watch the past few months, I’ve been looking like the train wreck I truly am. Football has been helping, but they only show it a few days a week. Hockey games help balance out my excuses because very few of my relatives know what days the games actually are.” Bars have taken a real hit due to the NHL lockout. While players and the NHL settled with a collective bargaining agreement, which slightly changes how quickly each will attain millions a year, taverns have become noticeably barren. “It’s a common understanding that the games are just an excuse for the drinkers,” a bartender acknowledges while spit-cleaning an endless line of mugs. “It’s easier to bullshit about sports than remind them of their day at work or whatever marriage they just got out of. We’re all just here to whittle away time, and hockey is a way to change the subject if someone starts chatting about yet another civil war in the Middle East.” With the season cut from 82 games down to 48, no real concern has been pressed by seasoned drinkers. Due to the condensed schedule, games will be spaced closer together and players will have less time to rest between games. It was the NHL Commission’s way of sticking it to the players for their loss in advertising revenue. “I’m hoping they add more to the workweek nights. Can’t really call your buddies to go drinking on a Tuesday without a reason or else they’ll have to start acknowledging that I have a serious problem,” the disheveled man said upon reentering the same establishment and admitting he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go.
As for everyone else, no one really cares about the first half of the season. Each win, loss and tie gets scored on a one or two-point scale, and it’s too tedious for many to keep track of for a whole season. This is especially evident in the case of the Chicago Blackhawks, who only recently gained a massive fair weather fan base after winning the Stanley Cup in 2010. “I just check in near the end of the season to see if we have a chance for the playoffs,” an underage college student with a fake ID confessed over a vodka Sprite. “I thought everyone did that and just didn’t talk about it, like masturbating.” At least ticket takers and concession stand employees will be able to get back to work. It will only be a few years until they find a way to replace them with robots, so every blissful, minimum wage hour really counts. Hockey players are pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. On one hand, many will need a few weeks of sprinting across the ice to pump the several pounds of cocaine out of their system that they’ve consumed in the offseason. In their withdrawal-induced haze after 113 days of partying, players will be challenged to remember critical plays and the names of players on whatever team they’ve been traded to. On the other hand, they are paid to play a game and can hit people if they want to blow of a little steam. So essentially, life is treating the players pretty well. “I really need to get a machine or something for this,” the bartender says as the glass he just finished cleaning is filled and given to a bar patron. “Anyways, of course I’m happy to have these degenerates back. With the season starting up, I’m going to load the Cheers theme song in the jukebox and keep that beat rolling.”
10.) Rob Blagojevich: Illinois politics are full of corruption from Chicago to Champaign. If we truly want to pick a symbol that best represents our state name, let’s have a giant Blago mascot running around with a business suit and a bad comb over. Problem is, the mascot is just going to end up fucking us over and costing us more money. 9.) Playboy Bunny: Hugh Hefner is totally underrated on this campus; there’s not even a building named after him! It’s time we start paying homage to our famous alumnus. But are slutty bunnies really the way to go? With all the cheerleaders and dancers prancing around the sidelines, there’s already enough ass to distract you from even the most horrendous loss. 8.) Corn: Unfortunately, this is a real mascot for Concordia College in… Minnesota? If anyone should have an angry cob of corn as a mascot it should be the bubble that is Champaign-Urbana! The only problem with picking a vegetable as a mascot is the danger of it upstaging our teams. Look alive, Scheelhaase! 7.) Abraham Lincoln: He’s the epitomized symbol of Illinois. But as a mascot? Sure, the guy was a political bad ass, but he’s just not intimidating. Too tall, too skinny, too funny of a hat, and we’re not buying the vampire slayer story. Plus, he’s noteworthy for abolishing slavery, and while that’s a positive, do we really want another mascot that reminds us of white people oppressing minorities? 6.) Drunken Frat Guy in a Toga: It’s no secret that Illinois has one of the biggest Greek systems in the nation. Fresh meat flocks to frat parties faster than a business student going to the bars on a Thursday night. Campus is full of fratstars who act like Greek gods, so why not have one as our mascot? Because stadium security would have a hard time deciphering between our mascot and the bro who rushed the field, that’s why. 5.) A Bottle of Champagne: Get it? It’s so clever and witty; it has to work. We know that the administration is going to give us some bullshit about how it promotes drinking so why should we even bother? Besides, we would need a big win to pop the bubbly, and that's never going to happen. 4.) Christopher Columbus: How’s this for political correctness? This mascot would be just a big “screw you” to anyone who opposed our beloved Chief. Us scholars are much classier than that. We prefer to take the high road. Or the drunken one. Whatever is available. You know what, better just give us a bottle to suck on. 3.) A Big Orange I: Cousin to the Big Lots dancing exclamation point, this symbol says, “Hey, we’re Illinois, and we’re too lazy to be creative with this!” Simple, to the point, and completely idiotic. And besides, weren’t we always taught that there’s no “I” in team? Of course, there is always that “I” in win, but that doesn’t seem to help us any. 2.) Chef: A chef is like a chief, right? If you look at it really fast you won’t know the difference. Think of all the ridiculously horrible puns that will ensue from this mascot. “Prepare to meet your bakers” or “The Illini Chefs are really cooking up a plan to come back in the fourth quarter.” If we ever become the Illini Chefs, you might as well stick a fork in us, because we’re done. 1.) Farm Bot: Basically, a guy dressed up like a silver robot with a huge, orange “I” on the front. Students describe Farm Bot as a fusion between the agricultural and engineering aspects of the University as well as a non-controversial object. Have you people NOT seen I, Robot?
Sammie Sea wrote this
page 10
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Spielberg Releases Shittler’s List
Already Nominated for 2014 Academy Awards tex mex wrote this Immediately following the nomination announcements for the 2013 Academy Awards in which Steven Spielberg’s biopic Lincoln received 12 nominations, the veteran director leaked a previously unannounced film via an obscure website titled “shittlerslist.org.” Taking place entirely in his master bathroom, the film features Spielberg sitting on a toilet and defecating for 90 minutes, interrupted only by an occasional food break and scratching of his testicles. The avant garde sensation has been dubbed “a masterpiece of high ingenuity in modern art” and “the most thought-provoking and influential piece of American filmmaking since Citizen Kane.” Despite being only a few weeks into the new year, the Academy has already awarded preliminary nominations for Shittler’s List including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Actor in a Leading Role, Best Original Screenplay, and Makeup and Hairstyling for the 2014 Oscar’s ceremony. “It really all just came to me in a dream,” proclaimed the critically-lauded filmmaker. “All of my films have been of such epic proportions … I really just wanted something that felt a little closer to home. The bathroom is, to me, a sacred place of security, higher thought, and reflection. Plus, I just really needed to take a shit.” Reports estimate that Spielberg spent a total of 200 million on the selfreleased magnum opus, with most of the funding going towards a series of highly experimental 3D Imax HD cameras newly capable of Smell-OVision. All other expenses were put toward catering and food services from Taco Bell, which set Spielberg’s production costs back another $15.96. With most of this funding coming entirely from out-of-pocket financing, many fellow directors and icons within the entertainment industry are labeling the director as “America’s finest patron of the arts” in recent memory.
Longtime collaborator and friend George Lucas expressed only the utmost support and enthusiasm for Spielberg’s overnight triumph. “Steven is a visionary. He knows what America wants, and I think now is the time that we as a people can appreciate something as revolutionary as Shittler’s List, skeptics be damned. In fact, I remember this one time back in the 70s when we were doing our celebratory huffing of the paint after Jaws and Star Wars changed the face of the world – we did this pretty often – and Steve comes up to me and tells me that he has a third nipple. And I was like all, ‘Yeah right’ and stuff, and he up and pulls off his shirt right in front of me, and lo and behold, the guy’s got this like, an extra piece of nipple-skin just above his belly button. Shit was fucking weird.”* Several film aficionados have congregated on movie critique site Rotten Tomatoes in order to share their reactions on the movie’s sure-fire tugging and pulling of America’s heartstrings. One commenter wrote that she was “in tears” by the time she got to the “wiping scene,” which is up for review by the American Film Institute for their upcoming 100 Years…100 Heartbreaks list. Another user drew attention to the “sophistication” of the cinematography during the bit when “Spielberg accidentally trips and knocks over one of the cameras after getting up to stretch.” There is some controversy brewing over the alleged “masturbation debacle” in which Spielberg fondles his genitals onscreen for 12 minutes. The director has addressed these claims, stating that it was just “a very, very persistent itch” that he was attempting to stroke away. The MPAA took these criticisms into account when rating the film, but under the circumstances that deemed the scene as “artistically sound and genuinely innocent,” Shittler’s List’s will run theatrically as PG once the film debuts worldwide next summer. Veteran film critic Leonard Maltin has praised the film, awarding it 4 out of 4 stars, citing that Spielberg’s take on scatological cinema has
indubitably opened hundreds of doors for increased expression and social commentary. Along with his interpretations regarding the film’s minimalism reflecting the inner machinations of the post-modern existential man, Maltin has also declared the film as “a remarkably refreshing take on Spielberg’s readily apparent criticism toward the ‘crap’ that has been released by CGI-obsessed directors like Michael Bay and James Cameron.” The film has also secured a spot in the National Film Registry for being "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” Spielberg has potentially alluded to retiring after the success of his latest release, stating that he has finally done all that he can to perfect modern filmmaking, and it’s up to the next generation of young filmmakers to “quit it with the ‘Californian-film-school-artsy-fartsy-prolific-director’ mumbo jumbo and just stop giving a shit.” *It was later confirmed that Mr. Lucas was, at the time of the interview, high on lead-based paint.
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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
January Beer of the Month! Goose Island Mild Winter $3 Pints / $4 20 oz. Drafts Plus $3 Jack Daniel's or Jameson Shots & Drinks, $4 Grand Marnier Shots & Drinks Every Day!
Thursday Night's Shows! COMPANY OF THIEVES (Early Show!) BAAUER with TEAM BAYSIDE HIGH, MISS A and DJ MELLOW (Late Show!)
WEDNESDAY 1/23
$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs
THURSDAY - DOLLAR WELLS School Girl Night $2 Red Bull Vodka's All Staff School Girl Night
Saturday! Seventeen Sisters w/ Verdict and Airacobra $5, 9:30 pm
THE SOUL REBELS: Pre Mardi Gras Party (Early Show!) OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW (Late Show!) DJ Battle to open for CHERUB!
$2 LONG ISLANDS!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
THURSDAY 1/24
$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers
COMPANY OF THIEVES (Early Show!) BAAUER with TEAM BAYSIDE HIGH, MISS A and DJ MELLOW (Late Show!)
DOLLAR WELLS School Girl Night $2 Red Bull Vodka's All Staff School Girl Night
Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com
FRIDAY 1/25
$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles
CHERUB with THE INTERNS and More!
Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA, $3 JAGER BOMBS, $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES, $3 TULLAMORE DEW
Finer Feelings w/ Decadents and Cody & The Gateway Drugs $5, 9pm
SATURDAY 1/26
Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles
SUN STEREO and JC BROOKS & THE UPTOWN SOUND with POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and DJ TIM WILLIAMS
$3 VEGAS BOMBS $3 JIM BEAM $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN $5 PATRON SHOTS
Seventeen Sisters w/ Verdict and Airacobra $5, 9:30 pm
** Closed **
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WINE NIGHT $2 Wells, $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles
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$2 LONG ISLANDS!
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SUNDAY 1/27 MONDAY 1/28
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MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY MASON JAR MONDAY! Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts 11pm, Live Music by THE HOWL $3 Double Wells after 11pm $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!
TUESDAY 1/29
CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week
WEDNESDAY 1/30
$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday - WINTERFEST! Win a Snowboard Hawks vs Blue Jackets 6pm Winter X Games All Night $3 Jim Beam, $3 Rumple & Goldshlager
WED. 1/23
Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! Bulls vs Pistons at 7pm
FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich
Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street
Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$3 Strong Islands
THURSDAY 1/24
HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT! $2 Evan - $2.50 JACK - $2.50 Jameson - Every Whiskey in the House is 1/2 OFF! - $2.50 Three Olives Vodka - $3 Jager Bombs - Half Price Burgers from 7:30pm-10pm Blackhawks vs Stars 7pm
$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light
FRIDAY 1/25
$3.99 Haus Fries, $5 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain or Beam, $3 Vegas Bombs $5 Patron Shots Bulls vs Golden St at 7pm
$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands
SATURDAY 1/26
WINTERFEST! Win a Snowboard Hawks vs Blue Jackets 6pm Winter X Games All Night $3 Jim Beam, $3 Rumple & Goldshlager
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
FRIDAY! Jenny Owens Young Doors at 7pm, $12 DJ Delayney after!
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Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Woodchucks Check out our seasonal food specials
The Great Cover Up 22D 25+ Local CU Bands, Each Acting as a Tribute Band! $7, 3 & 4-day passes also available
$2 Bud Lt Drafts $2 Jager Bombs 1/2 Price Burgers
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
Jenny Owens Young Doors at 7pm, $12 DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$2 Cheese Fries, $4 Mozz Sticks All happy hour long!
$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands
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$6 Lunch Box Pitchers 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels
SUNDAY 1/27
ILLINI GAMEDAY! Michigan vs Illinois 5pm Hawks vs Red Wings 6pm Watch X Games Finals 7pm Win a Snowboard! $2 ANYTHING!
$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s
ILLINI GAMEDAY! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!
25% off all appetizers $6.95 Spazzle and Fries
MONDAY 1/28
TEAM TRIVIA NIGHT! Compete Weekly to Win Great Prizes and Finals - Winning Team Gets a $500 Best Buy Card! Starts at 10pm! $2 Bud Drafts, $3 Any Import/Craft Beer, $2 Long Islands, $2 Cruzan Rum, $15 Bud Light Hydrants HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm
$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
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MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinums $2 Blue Kamikazes
TUESDAY 1/29
Time Warp Tuesday Live DJ Playing the Best of the 90's! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm $2 Wells - $2 Fireball Shots HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $5 Bud Light Pitchers
Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!
Tequila Tuesday $2 Cuervo Shots and Sunrises 8th Grade Dance Party!
WED. 1/30
Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! Blackhawks vs Wild 7pm
Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790
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MONDAY! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger, $2.00 Blue Moon, $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles, Karaoke @ 10
SATURDAY Club 211...SUB ZERO Free White Glowsticks Ice Cube Shot Glasses! $2 Ice Hole Shots
New Bud Black Crown Kickoff $2 Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt, $2.50 Bacardi Party w/ the Bud Girls!
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms
$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots
PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry
WED. 1/23
$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $3 Tullamore Dew Shots $2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Bud Light Bottles
THURS. 1/24
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
SUNDAY! ILL vs Mich 5pm, Doors open 3pm Shoot to Win Tickets Free Shuttle to Game! $2 Lite & Coorls Lt 16oz Btls $2 U call It
SPECIAL NIGHT
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
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DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
KAM'S
Meme Glass Night!
Dollar Nite! $1 Wells, Drafts, & MHL Bottles Challenge Accepted!
Collect Them All!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
DJ Dash Spinning the Night! $2.50 Captain Morgan & Cuervo $2 Orchata & Doctor Shots $3 Lite 24oz Bottles Captain Girls 11pm
BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jim Beam
FRI. 1/25
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Pinnacle Vodka Girls $3.00 Blue Guys $2 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles
Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt $2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers
Club 211...SUB ZERO Free White Glowsticks Ice Cube Shot Glasses! $2 Ice Hole Shots
SAT. 1/26
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles
DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Vodka $2 U CALL IT
SUN. 1/27
$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10
Mardi Gras Mondays! $1 U CALL IT, $2 Red Bull Vodka's Everyone Gets Beads! Person with the most beads at the end of the night wins a party!
MON. 1/28
$2 Domestics Bottles ILL vs Mich 5pm, Doors open 3pm $2 Wells Shoot to Win Tickets Free Shuttle to Game! $5 Personal Pizzas $2 Lite & Coorls Lt 16oz Btls with 2 Toppings $2 U call It $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call Its
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Nite $1.50 Lite Drafts, $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $3 Blue Guys Mason Jars & Prizes Pinnacle Vodka Girls
Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.25 All Other Drafts
$2.00 Tall Boy Cans / Orachata & Dr. Shots, $4.50 Jim Beam Doubles
HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs
TUES. 1/29
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
$2 Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt, $2.50 Bacardi Party w/ the Bud Girls!
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms
$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots
PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry
WED. 1/30
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bartenders of the week Nickname: Munstermash
Bartender nickname: Mo Money
Relationship status: Ready to munch box.
Favorite drink: Dangus bomb
Favorite drink: Virgin Dirty Shirley
Relationship status: Single ;)
Worst life decision: Visiting the state of Michigan
Biggest turn-on: Ratched pussy
Biggest mancrush: Martin Freeman (Bilbo Baggins)
Your greatest weakness: Cocaine
Craziest place you've had sex: Kindergarten Favorite food: Box mountain Biggest turn-on: Appetizer platters
Best drunk food: Ratched pussy Dream super power: Immortality Weirdest place you’ve had sex: Library bathroom in the children’s section.
Biggest turn-off: Having to pull her tampon out
joe m.
Brothers Bar and Chill
Strange fetish: Animal calendars Biggest fantasy: Oprah, me, and an endless supply of MiraLAZ and K-Y Intense
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mo a.
The Clybourne
Favorite snack: Portillo’s Chocolate Cake Shake Biggest secret I’m still a doorman.
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
Tits and beer! Can you think of a better combination? This game will now give you an excuse to check out some boobs without having to worry about looking like a creep, all while getting drunk. Sounds like a win-win to us.
You might hear a lot of talk about chips being drunk food, but that does not have to be the case. With a little ingenuity and elbow-grease, chips can be utilized to create a cheap and delicious main course for any drunken occasion.
tits
What You’ll Need: 13 cups, beer pong table, 2 ping pong balls Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: Depends on the size of your tits, and how well you can use them. How to Play: - Divide the players up into two teams of two players. - Each team sets up on either with players on opposite corners of the table. For example, Team A would have one player on the right near corner of the table, and one player on the far left corner of the table. - In front of each player is a three-cup pyramid. Place a cup filled with beer in the center of the table. - In order to sink a cup, a team member must bounce the ball once on the table, bounce off the tits or chest of the other teammate, and fall in one of the three cups. - When this happens the opponent on the same side must drink the sunk cup and “flip cup” it before s/he may shoot again. - When a team no longer has any of their opponents’ cups in front of them, they may shoot for the middle cup. - A team can only win when they double bounce the ping pong ball into the middle cup. - The losing team then has to drink the final cup. Next time you’re with some girls or guys and you want an excuse to check out or be checked out, this game is a winner! Just make sure to compliment the girl on her skills; girls love the compliment.
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Chip Explosion
What You’ll Need: Chips of many kind, cheese, sour cream, beef, and anything else you would like to add. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: Depends on if you include Cool Ranch Doritos or not. Directions: - Begin by cooking up some beef on the stove. You can use any meat you want, but we’ll go with beef. “B” is for beginners. - While the beef is cooking, take all of your different kinds of chips and place them into a bowl. - Sprinkle cheese onto the chips and place it in the microwave for 2 minutes. - After ensuring that the cheese is melted, pour the beef into the bowl and add sour cream. - Add any other food you want into your very own chip casserole. The secret to making this dish extra good is to buy as many different kinds of chips as possible. With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day just behind us, remember that diversity is the key!
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booze of the week
page 17
Booze Review: Dobel Tequila | grade: B+ Overview: Like Athena from Zeus’ head, Dobel tequila springs fully-formed from the tender piña of the agave plant, championing the virtues of truth, justice, the Latin American way, throwing up in a garbage can after drinking half of the bott—No. You have to take this seriously. They gave us this bottle for free, dude. History: ‘Twas a hot mid-June day, summer of aught-nine. A man, not just any man, but the man Juan Domingo Beckmann Legoretta, was pondering the intricacies of life while languidly sitting under a parasol at his Jalisco estate. Suddenly it was as if a choir of angels whispered, through song, a painted image so vivid it would blind an ordinary man. Legoretta sprung out of his chair. “That’s it!” he cried triumphantly, “Tequila! I’ll produce the finest tequila in all of the land! It’ll be made of 100% blue agave! I’ll double-distill it and mature it in Hungarian White Oak barrels!” Legoretta stared wistfully into the sea, knowing soon he’d go from being a humble multi-millionaire to a sure-fire billionaire. Just then, an aquaunicorn sprung from the sea, ridden by a topless mermaid ensconced in gold. The mythical beast galloped towards Legoretta and reared up on his hind legs, pushed out an enormous dump, and spoke: “Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Legoretta was shocked! Timidly he replied, “Que?” “No! No ‘que?’ Heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” The aquaunicorn exclaimed. Flabbergasted and thinking that the creature only spoke English, Juan flatly asked, “Why do you have a mute, gold, naked mermaid on your back, and why can you talk?” “The guy writing this really has a hard time taking anything seriously,” the animal replied. Typical Drinkers: The social elite, the social elite’s elite, people who don’t even have to smoke to look cool, Jewish oranguta—SERIOUSLY? User Comments: “Smoother than my platinum pool balls.” “Does this bottle match my Hublot watch? “Gingertitties.” Conclusion: A fine flavor with hints of citrus and lilac. Definitely recomme— We’re bursting at the seams here! Fart ass butt boob ass ass assssssss tickle wiener nipple vagina diddler masturbation penis.
mixing station: A syringe if you’re into the fancy drugs, a liquor bong if you’re not.
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page 18
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The iBieber Has Achieved Total Control kitty kat wrote this On March 1, 1994, Steve Jobs emotionally sat bedside of a beautiful, newborn baby boy. Maybe born is the wrong word to use. More like constructed. His realistic, glowing skin and luscious hair was exactly what he was looking for. “He is perfect,” Jobs whispered quietly, before thanking the handsome couple in the corner for their genetic donations and politely ushering them out of the room. Jobs closed the door behind him as a sneaky smile slowly spread across his face. “Finally.”
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your goal for spring semester?
Flash to present day, and Steve Jobs has recently departed from the Earth, but his legacy remains. Apple Inc. is a worldwide technological powerhouse with enough persuasive power to make every single suckered consumer purchase unnecessary updates every few months. Now Chairman Arthur Levinson is left to continue on with the empire Jobs built, including the most important project of all. It has been kept quiet since its creation but has always been in the public eye.
"To not get a DUI." - Tyler S., Junior
Levinson sits alone on a late Wednesday night in an empty conference room at the Apple headquarters. On his computer screen shines on the latest iTunes Terms and Conditions, recently updated with more subliminal messages and agreements. “Levinson,” a voice suddenly booms from the ceiling, startling Levinson. “Yes, Mr. Jobs?” Jobs’s hologram appears on the center of the conference table. “How have things been progressing with young Justin?” “Excellent, sir. Mr. Bieber is working just as you planned.” “I saw his success before I passed over. I saw the way he attracted nearly every pre-teen girl in the English speaking world. But as of late, what has been accomplished? I would hope that this plan has not reached some sort of standstill.” “Oh, no, sir. Not at all. Mr. Bieber has recently finished his tour and is working on releasing a small acoustic album.”
Levinson straightened up in his chair. “Surprisingly strong, sir. Dangerous actually. Many of the young, female fans inflicted pain onto their bodies hoping it would suppress Mr. Bieber’s urges to smoke.” Jobs raised his eyebrows. “Self harm, eh? Things are going much better than I had expected. You are doing a fantastic job, Levinson.”
"Take as many v-cards as possible." - Joe B., Sophomore
“But sir, I don’t understand…”
Levinson froze and felt his heart sink deep into his stomach. His nervously twisted his fingers and drops of sweat began to form on Levinson’s brow. “Well, Mr. Jobs. I guess there has been one small issue. But PR covered it pretty well, in my opinion. I don’t think it will be discussed much further.”
Jobs smiled, a true genuine smile, something Levinson had never seen during their meetings. “Arthur, you don’t understand. If Justin Bieber can make the children of the world do this … well, then frankly, he can make them do anything.” He paused to let the disgusting truth sink in. “Years before he was manufactured, I knew I wanted my company to take the planet by storm, but I needed a spokesperson, someone the people would fawn over. Justin’s birth was the proudest day of my life. He truly is a son to me. After years of waiting for his influence to reach the masses, I know now is the time. Now he has control over the human population. He can make them do anything.”
A fire lit at the feet of Jobs’s holographic glow. His fists clenched. His face tightened. “Explain yourself, Arthur. Tell me what you have done to my child.”
Levinson heard the excitement in Jobs’s voice and began to feel more relaxed, knowing that, once again, the iGod had him in good hands. “So what is the ultimate plan, sir?”
“It was not me, sir. You know that I would never do anything to hurt such a precious component to the corporation.” Levinson felt his voice faltering; he knew Jobs could sense the fear.“Just recently he became involved with, well, with the herb, sir.”
“With Justin, I plan to have to world rise up, don my iconic black turtleneck, and complete the domination. Justin will seduce them all into the basement of the Microsoft headquarters with his boyish good looks and when the time is right, have them detonate the bomb I have planted inside of him. Once that is done, the mob will finish off the leader. We will kill that nerd Bill Gates. Then the world will have no choice but to drop PCs and purchase our products. We will monopolize the entire technological industry.”
“There haven’t been any… problems, have there? Any issues I should be concerned about?”
“Cannabis?” “Yes, sir.” Levinson lowered his head and waited for the blow. But instead a grin stretched across Jobs’s face, and he rubbed his hands together in celebration. “Excellent.” Levinson looked up at Jobs, confused by the lack of punishment. “How did the fan base react?
Levinson saw the evil gleam behind his boss’s eyes and felt slightly aroused. “You never cease to amaze me.” Jobs’s face tightened again. “Go, Levinson. Bring Justin here. We begin tonight.”
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page 19
continued from the cover
This statement by Richardson provided the sports press with a valuable clue into the complex reasons for the Illini’s recent performance. Based on that quote, taken entirely out of context, it was obvious that somebody was poisoning the athletes and making them sick to their stomachs. It was at this time that The Black Sheep wanted to jump in on this journalistic bandwagon. It was obvious that if someone intended to poison the basketball team there was only one place they could do it: The Varsity Room, the athletes’ cafeteria in Memorial Stadium. On Monday night as the dinner shift was letting out, we managed to get a hold of Varsity Room worker Mike Benson for a unique interview with the man behind the Illini slump. The Black Sheep: So, Michael, why’d you do it? Benson: Do what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. TBS: You know very well what you did, sir. You have been poisoning the Illini basketball team for your own sick ends. Benson: ...What took you so long? TBS: So you admit to it! But tell us, why did you do it? The basketball team was giving us something, something that isn’t made of corn or stone. Something inside, that the rest of this awful school can’t get to, that it can’t touch. Benson: What are you talking about? TBS: Hope. Benson: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane. TBS: That’s where you’re wrong. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. But anyways, what did you poison them with? Benson: Oh, I just haven’t been washing my hands before work. Whether or not this muscular cafeteria worker is the real reason behind the Illini’s recent losing streak, the students of Illinois need to find solace in the fact that if the Illini start losing, there are always hundreds of directions in which to pass the blame.
"If you give this campus hope, next they'd be proud to say they are illini. and pride is of the devil's ilk."
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passing the bar If you're too cool for Keystone or stopped bonging Busch Lights months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank beer labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.
we interview:
bear in heaven
Brooklyn-based band Bear in Heaven has a sound that you can't quite put your finger on. A bit of rock and a bit of electronic noise with a psychedelic undertone gives these guys a totally unique sound. Their music might not be so easily definable, but when we got to chat with head honcho Jon Philpot, it was clear that cool dudes make cool music. We go to chat with Philpot about a whole range of things, from the meaning of the band name to ridin' jet skis. You know it's a good chat when jet skiing comes up. The Black Sheep: How'd you get started playing music? Jon Philpot: I went to college and bought a guitar and basically it just went from there, I just kept playing music. I didn't know what I was doing, and then I started making noise music and trance, and then went into more normal music. I played piano when I was a little kid but I hated it. I hate piano lessons, like having to learn something. Kids were outside playing and you were inside trying to play this stupid song that you didn't like. TBS: You never get to play cool songs during piano lessons. JP: Yeah! I wanted to learn, like, Prince songs, or something like that. TBS: Where'd you grow up? JP: I grew up in Marietta, Georgia. It was good, it was peaceful. There were trees and creeks and dirt bike jumps and that kind of shit. But living there, you hit a wall, and you want to be a punk-rock kid and you just look like an idiot because you're out in the sticks. TBS: Did growing up Georgia have any influence on the music you play now? JP: Oh, definitely. There was a lot of strange, one-thing-leads-to-another kind of situations. I had an internship with this record label called Table of Elements, this minimal, experimental label. They specialized in early minimalism, just some freaking-ass art. For some unknown reason to me, they moved their offices to Georgia. I thought it'd be a good idea to intern at this record label, and I learned a great deal about not just art music, but art itself, from these folks, and that kind of set my sail in that direction. It was eye opening, and I think if I lived somewhere else where there was a multitude of options instead of just this one, weird group of people, then I would've done something else. TBS: Is there an explanation behind the name Bear in Heaven? JP: There's a constellation with a bear in it, and there's also the philosophy that everything that you do and everything you take here on Earth is what you'll bear in heaven. TBS: Could you compare Bear in Heaven to any other bands? JP: Comparing is a hard one. I'm not even going to toot my own horn, and to say that we're "unique" is out of naivety. We approach music in sort of a non-standard way. Our music starts in many different ways, but the one thing we've always done is made sure that we're not doing anything that sounds like something that's happening, we try to stay away from that. We steer clear of the pop music form, but we're sort of opening our doors up to all different forms. TBS: Is there a story behind your latest album title, I Love You, It's Cool? It seems kind of sad, or something. JP: It's a little loaded, that one. It embodies a lot of emotions that were happening with us at that time. It was oddly given to us by one of our ex-bandmates, he wrote these notes and he wrote one to me, and hid it underneath some of my gear. It said "Dear Jon, I love you, it's cool." The reality of it that there's this kind of double meaning, you can sense the lament but also the actual positivity that I think all of us were feeling at that time. It's nice, it's a nice sentiment. TBS: If you weren't making music for a living, what do you think you'd be doing? JP: Editing television and film, that's what I do now when I'm not making music, so I'd just be doing a lot more of that. If I wasn't doing that, I'd probably be chillin', maybe boating? Maybe some jet skis? I'd be doing that. TBS: Would you rather: Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin? TBS: Michelle Obama. Well, depends what the spin on it is. If it was go hunting, I'd say Sarah Palin. If it was to have a party, I'd invite Michelle Obama. TBS: Who would you rather go jet skiing with? JP: Can I pick both of them? Sandwiched in-between them? That'd be amazing. TBS: What's your spirit animal? JP: I'd say a dog. An American mutt, you know? A cross between a beagle and a golden retriever, like a fast frisbee dog. TBS: What your drink of choice? JP: Mescal.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
winter x games January 24th - 27th on ESPN
The winter X Games are upon us once again, starting Thursday afternoon and lasting through Sunday night. Indulge in insane winter sports like men's and women's superpipe or big air. If you have the luxury of a 3D TV, prepare to have your mind blown watching athletes flip around in your face.
movie 43 out January 25th
A series of 12 short films follow three kids as they scour the wild wild west that is the internet to find the most banned, offensive movie in the world. This film stars one of the biggest ensemble casts ever, from Kate Winslet to Richard Gere and every level of celebrity in between. Let's hope the plot doesn't rely too heavily on that.
local natives - hummingbird out January 27th
It's about damn time the geniuses in Local Natives released another studio album, their second, Hummingbird. After coming off an impressive debut album from early 2010, these guys don't seem to stray much from their heartfelt sound of folk-rock in their latest album. Check out their singles "Heavy Feet" and "Breakers."
can you
spot the difference?
Well, geesh, can you? Send us the seven differences you found to differences@ theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.
the crossword: Games Across 3) Can you really kill someone with a candlestick? 4) You get five of a kind and you yell this. 7) Normally played on a board that comes in a
faux-suitcase. 8) A jumbo-sized one can be found in bars. 11) A letter gets picked, then you go to town. 13) Learn how to be a greedy businessman. 14) A card game sometimes known as the legal drinking age. 17) Do they wear glasses? 18) If you’re good at lying, you’re great at this. 19) Classic computer card game, played solo. 20) If you suck at drawing you probably hate this game. Down 1) You’re a dick if you play a 3-letter word.
2) Try to get three of a kind, or three in a row. 5) “Hey, what’s trump again?” 6) It’s a game where you describe things without saying what it is! Everyone gets super loud! 9) Way more exciting than real fishing. 10) A type of poker game from this state, y’all. 12) Uses a particular set of cards, all colorful and stuff. 14) Also a terrible movie featuring Rihanna. 15) King me! 16) The ultimate strategy game (for nerds). 18) Every grandma plays this card game.
Saturday, January 26th at 8pm Sodo Theatre, Champaign $5 Advanced Tickets $10 Tickets at the Door
Featuring Headliners from Chicago: Drew Michael, Marty DeRosa, Jason Dockins, and Collin Bullock Hosted By: The Black Sheep’s John McCombs 114 S. Neil St., Champaign sodotheatre.com
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Best Man: - Chris Brown - Christopher Columbus - Chris Christie - Chris Carrabba MAID OF HONOR: - Kirstie Alley - Kristen Wiig - Kristen Stewart - Kristin Cavallari Got Engaged At: - Taco Bell drive-thru - Applebee’s entryway - Arby’s bathroom - Dave and Buster’s air hockey table
How to play
Celebrity to Officiate Wedding: - Rev Run - Lady Gaga - Kevin Smith - Fran Drescher
Regrettable Matching Tattoo: - Lower back unicorn - Spiral staircase around thigh - Cheeseburger on back of neck - Mariah Carey’s face on wrist
First Dance Song: - “A Milli” by Lil Wayne - “Sex, Love & Money” by Mos Def - “Bitches” by Odd Future - “Paranoid Android” by Radiohead
career path: - Porn-star turn yoga instructor - Bartender turn florist - Organic cauliflower farmer turn prisoner of war - Writer turn welfare collector
Honeymoon Hot Spot: - Boca Raton timeshare - Basement of Grandma’s house - Gatlinburg, Tennessee - Grand Canyon motel
Greatest Life Accomplishment: - Meeting Honey Boo Boo - Bench-pressing 150lbs - Growing the world’s largest pumpkin - Never getting arrested
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
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