Illinois Fall Issue 2 - 9/29/12 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

  Brought to you by  

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 2 8/30/12 - 9/5/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

The Tale of Sir Beckman benson wrote this

Once upon a time there stood a rather inconsequential village. The inhabitants of this town enjoyed the simple fruits of life: food, drink, and smoke after easygoing days in the warm sun. These people cared little for the outside world and considered the business of outsiders trivial in comparison to their daily tasks. Life was spent in casual anticipation of the yearly harvest, and that was just fine. Stress and hard work were best left to the people of far off lands. The name of this village was Champaign. Word of going-ons of the outside world inevitably made its way into the village. Travelers spoke in whispers of great evil growing in the east. While the townsfolk viewed this kind of talk as childish and rather inappropriate, they inevitably caught wind of news of great battles, sorcerers, and other mischief. This type of talk would show up every now and then, but it almost always disappeared as quickly as its unwelcomed arrival. However, in the few months prior to the harvest of the year twenty ought five, news of troubles growing in the outer country arrived in Champaign, yet never dwindled. Strange foreigners of the outside world spoke of a great winged lizard, large as a mountain, ravaging villages with balls of flame as it passed through the countryside. When asked about the identity of this great beast, the travelers only spoke one word, “Zook.” It was on the eve of the harvest that the townspeople noticed a faint light appear upon the horizon. At first the people scoffed, attributing it to queer happenings over in the neighboring village of Bloomington. However, the light quickly revealed itself to be the menacing glow of an ancient dragon like one they had only heard of in myth. As the beast descended on Champaign, all that could be heard were screams, cackling fire, and a faint cry of, “It’s Zook!” The destruction of the city was swift and devastating. Life for the townspeople who survived the initial attack was bleak. The dragon had hoarded all of the gold in the town and spent its time guarding it in the center of the town square. Most people refused to leave their homes, yet word of the horrors left the town when a lowly water nymph, who had remained unknown to the people, left

Screwed in the Stacks One man, trapped under an avalanche of books.

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Champaign through way of a running stream to seek aid for the townspeople. Weeks passed before the nymph found any soul capable of relieving the town of its great curse. It was on the banks of a flowing stream on the edge of a meadow inside the Olde Woods that the nymph chanced upon a gallant knight who had paused on his journeys to relieve the thirst of his steed. Without hesitation the nymph spoke to the knight. “Good sir knight, I come of tidings of great peril from the west. May I inquire your name and your service?” “How now sweet nymph. Calm thy nerves. My name is Sir Beckman of Toledo. What be the source of such peril

what’s inside

in the west?” “That of the winged lizards.” “Verily. I shall gather a team of fellow knights to aid me in defeating this beast.” Thus, Sir Beckman roamed the countryside searching for knights to join him in defeating Zook. In his search, Sir Beckman acquired the services of Sir Banks, a master of defense, Sir Beatty, a champion archer, and Sir Butkus, a master strategist. Upon the gathering of his top knights, Sir Beckman led them to his fabled armory, which was said to be filled with arms both powerful and mystical. continued on page 19

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How Your Drink of Choice Determines Your Night

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: Contraceptives, and Why They're Better Than Your BFF

One's your accomplice in your mistakes, the other prevents them.

page 7: The UIUC Guide to Townies

They're here, they like beer, and they generally have really big beards!

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page 9: from the streets

How do you know from day one that a class is going to suck?

Table of

page 17: The Booze Review: Malibu Red This is Ne-Yo's masterpiece, people.

page 18: Todd Akin and A Uterus Walk Into a Classroom... Haha, then casual misogyny ensues!

page 18: the top ten

Ways You'll Die Freshman Year.

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Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Sean Lyman, Pat Hamill

owner Atish Doshi

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

Dear Mr. Benson, As a returning sophomore, I think it’s about time that I choose a major. Any suggestions? Sincerely, Idealess Dear Sophomore who probably smokes a lot of pot, Don’t consider your predicament too much of a problem, think of it as an opportunity to explore what you want to do with your life. If you wake up every morning and the first thing you think about is sex, then you should probably become a business major. Most people think that rock stars and athletes get all of the women, but in reality it is through business that you have the best chance at getting a ton of chicks. That is, if the movie American Psycho has taught me anything. If you are like me, and you lack any type of passion at all about anything, then you should probably get into journalism and come work for The Black Sheep. All we do is get really drunk and watch The Simpsons. If your editor asks for any writing, just get some nerds to write it for you! That’s how we get it done over here. Sincerely, Wendell Mathias III

Sexy Anagrams

Waif Lost Try Caned Pore Row

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

last week’s answers

Amanda Bynes & Tom Cruise

Nothing like Bromancing Over Some Delicious Pizza... (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Highjack:

To steal while under the influence of marijuana. “The fifteen-year-old quit Taco Bell after his manager berated him over letting some stoner highjack Baja Blast Mountain Dew with a water cup.”

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Contraceptives, and Why They’re Better Than Your BFF Molly Forrest wrote this Are you sick of having to compromise your naps for loud, petty arguments in your apartment? Is talking shit about your friends more entertaining than actually being with them? Are you ready to try out the role of the drunken asshole instead of your usual babysitting gig? If you said yes to any of these questions it's time to get acquainted with your new BFF, the contraceptive. Unlike friends, contraceptives will never beat around the bush. They expose their flaws upon introduction, “Hi, I’m Connor, the condom, and I have a fifteen percent chance of failure.” You know in advance your chances of getting screwed over and exactly how your free-spirited lifestyle will be ruined. Contraceptives would never cheat on you or drink all your alcohol. They don’t steal the leftover pizza you clearly marked with your initials from the fridge or go out to the bars without you when you’re having a bad night. Their sole purpose in life is to serve you, the center of attention. Contraceptives know how to let their friends down easy, and their sense of honesty is refreshing. Contraceptives are also infinitely more supportive and accepting than your other friends. They encourage your bad behavior, while protecting you from yourself. Because without your drunken stupidity, they really don’t have much of purpose. If casual sex is your niche, contraceptives don’t judge your track record and keep you from being a spouse. If you are more of a relationship person, they keep that bond at sugar daddy level rather than starting baby daddy drama.

When a contraceptive is a friend of yours, you are allowed to play God. Contraceptives, unlike people, are at your disposal. You can bring one into your life as fast as you can take it out. Even if you completely neglect them, they will still stick by your side. You either can dabble with them daily, or use ‘em and lose ‘em. Neglect them for four days; they come crawling back as soon as you need them, with backup. Too lazy to keep up with the relationship? No problem. Seventy-two hours is plenty of time to achieve contact. They adapt to your way of life and your needs. They also give you the power to (slightly) control the outcome of your sexual encounters. Don’t feel like having a child so soon? Pretty positive you won’t fall victim to Immaculate Conception? Slide on a rubber and BAM, you’re in control of your destiny. The next morning, send down an extra lightning bolt of power and pop in a Plan B pill. Gossip and rumors are nonexistent in plutonic relationships with contraceptives. Your secrets are most definitely safe with them. Catching an STI but still getting your freak on is definitely on the hush-hush. You are two weeks late and not yet ready to tell the world about your surprise. Don’t worry, it’s completely confidential. Your hook-up buddy for the past few weeks was your cousin? Top secret. Good company is also ideal in a friendship. Contraceptives will get closer to you than anyone you’ve ever met. They are like a divine being from the heavens, always with you even if you don’t feel their presence. They take"getting inside you" to a whole new level! Good friends also keep the party going, and with contraceptives one-night stands and irrespon-

sible hookups keep the party on. Your risqué behavior has no risk. Your whorish ways are accepted here, friend. If you haven’t embraced contraceptives by now, you aren’t fully living. They are your soul mates and life partners, and without them you just aren’t complete. You will never find a more honest, accepting, forgiving, fun, and true friend. With them your life in Champaign will not only improve, but flourish beyond your wildest dreams and sexual fantasies.

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C-U’s largest screwed in the stacks FOAM PARTY! morgan foster wrote this

Max Burgundy was playing a drunken game of hide-and-go-seek in the main stacks of the library with friends one late afternoon when he stumbled upon a door that opened to an empty, unused staircase. “Perfect,” he thought, “they’ll never find me here.” He sat down on the stairs and settled in for the wait. His last thought before passing out was, “Damn, they should really put a Taco Bell in here.” While Max dreamed of Doritos and tacos and their unholy offspring, his friends gave up looking for him and assuming he had bailed out mid-hide - left the stacks without him. Late at night Max awakened covered in drool and reeking of Keystone, only to find that his friends were nowhere in sight and that he could not navigate the labyrinth of the stacks. After crying for four hours straight, Max resigned to live in the stacks until he was rescued. He found an empty journal among the shelves and wrote down his adventures. Life in the Stacks Day 77: I really wish I had a compass or some shit. I swear I’ve been on the same two floors the whole time I’ve been in this godforsaken place. Anyway, the library staff is starting to notice that there is food stolen from their secret lounge in the stacks. They keep on writing their names on the food that they put in the fridge, like that’ll stop me. If you ever read this Marjorie, thanks for the lasagna. I still can’t believe I haven’t run into a single staff member, one time I even waited there for a couple days and nobody came. Then when I left the food returned. They are elusive as fuck. Day 80: I’ve basically decided that I’ll be stuck down here forever. I did manage to run into someone, but it was a dead guy. I tripped over his skeleton while navigating through some of the darkest, dankest parts of this floor. He had a journal next to his body which was used to detail his search for an exit. I read it, and he went through the same stuff I did in this hellhole, but obviously his story didn’t turn out so well. Apparently he never found the staff lounge. Nor

did he find his way out. I’m a little better off, but still basically screwed. I got over it after a few hours of crying and shoving lasagna into my mouth. Day 90: I started a fire using matches I stole from the staff kitchen and pages from these old dusty books that are everywhere. Some nerd will be mad someday when they find that The Book of Petrarchan Sonnets is empty. As I was ripping out the pages I discovered that someone had snuck some nudie pictures inside the book. Well, needless to say I forgot about being rescued and devoted myself to a little “Max” time. It’s been 90 days, man! That’s like two months or something. I splooged on top of a bunch of musty Russian novels. Unfortunately, I fell asleep after. When I woke up, the fire had gone out and I was out of matches. Dammit, King Kong always makes me forget what I’m doing when a hot girl shows her face. King Kong is my penis, in case you were wondering. Day 100: After two depressing events in only a few days, I was in a pretty negative mood. Then when I was walking past the study cubbies, I found a living, breathing person! I breathed a sigh of relief and started walking towards the guy. Of course, some asshole left a pile of books on the floor and I tripped over them and fell with an “oof.” The guy turns around and screamed before running like hell through the maze of shelves. There was no way I’d find him, what with my poor navigation skills. I didn’t understand why he was so scared until I went to the floor’s bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I had leftover lasagna sauce all over my mouth and spilled on my ratted clothes. The poor guy probably thought I was a cannibal or some shit. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve decided that I will make myself a map of this floor using pages from books and old pens left behind by students. Hopefully I can escape using the map, but if not, at least some John guy keeps on leaving chocolate cake in the staff lounge.

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

What Your First College Facebook Album Title Says About You kevin hanes wrote this A picture may be worth 1,000 words, but a title is made up of, like, four words, and they’re worth something too. Not only is the album title as personal and unique as giving or receiving your first OTPHJ, but it’s quite an important feat in your 18 years of life. Breaking into college Facebook album territory is like fresh pussy; it’s all moist and exciting, and then you get to brag about how good it was later on. All the high school kids back home are going to be so jealous seeing you stuff your face with pizza at 2:30 in the morning in your brand new “college bitches!!!!!” album. The first album title is crucial. Just hope that your title doesn’t translate to a lonely, sexless college life. Champaignnnnnnnnnnnn We get it, you’re excited for college. We see that with your extra twenty n’s. You’re a bit dramatic, especially when you’re wasted after two Keystones. You’ll enjoy getting real sloshed on Wednesdays, and you’re always seeking a good jam to sing along with at the bar. Unfortunately, you're very clingy, which prevents you from getting anything but random hookups. Bummer. “Young, Wild, and Free” Cool! You are like, so original with that lyric you got from your favorite song. “It’s just perfect,” you tell yourself as you confidently click “Create New Album.” But seriously,

who are you trying to impress? You’re not proving to anyone you have amazing taste in music, that’s for sure. You love following people. You will dabble in some drugs, and you’re almost always down to drink and fuck. You’re a typical college student, and you will always be this way. Days of Our Later Adolescent Lives Really? Who do you think you are with your “deep” abstract bullshit? Just because you smoke pot and peruse Pitchfork doesn’t mean you’re different –It means you’re cripplingly lonely. In college you will struggle with everything that doesn’t have to do with school. You will fill this album with lots of sober dorm nights and music sessions. Oh, and definitely a lot of pictures from Piano Man. U of I Freshman Year!!!!! Pretty classic but also pretty boring. It’s sad to say, but you’re the gross chick that wants to take as many pictures as humanly possible simply to show that you’re blossoming into the social butterfly you so desperately want to be. You got lucky and became friends with attractive people, and because of this you tag along to their cooler functions without problems. Fortunately, you’ll get a lot of sloppy blacked-out hookups purely for having a vagina. Unfortunately, you will compensate for

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your insecurities by heavily drinking and will find yourself blacked out and friendless in the bathroom of a bar, face in toilet, an hour past close. After you’ve filled your album with 200 unnecessary pictures of you and your gal pals posing before each night out, there comes a time to make a decision: Will there be a part one? A part two? Should you go back and delete a few where you didn’t look that good? Well you can’t delete that one because Kelsey looks really hot in it. Ugh, why can’t we all just go back to Polaroids?

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you know from day one that a class is going to suck? "When there's a bunch of fat aisle-huggers I have to climb over." - Sarah M., Junior

Shot Sex: How Your Drink of Choice Determines Your Night Kitty Kat wrote this Alcohol is everyone’s favorite way of gaining a few extra ounces of confidence on a night out. And when used correctly, it can dictate exactly what type of sexual encounter you’re about to have. Let’s be honest, the only reason people really drink is to get laid. So buy some shots for the girl down the bar or toss back a few yourself. Here are the most popular drinks among college students and what to expect if you allow each once to be your pathway to ass. Beer: Why do you think frats give out free beer to everyone and their mother during rush? Because it’s cheap and gets the job done. Dirty frat boys are looking for a quick, hit-it-and-quit-it deal; they really don’t care how much you enjoy it as long as they get to bust a nut. If they bring a girl upstairs for the top-shelf alcohol, that’s how you know they’re taking this seriously. If you’re a chick just looking to get wet and have a little fun, then keep hanging out in the sweaty basement all night with hundreds of other desperate girls. Sure, all that beer will make you bloaty and gassy, and you’ll probably just lay on his bed like a dead fish as he rhythmically rams your head into the wall, but at least you can say you got some.

Go as cheap as you want; Burnett’s, Svedka, it’s all the same once it’s past your tongue. By the end of the night, you’ll have just enough confidence to try out a new position or lick some toes or something. Gettin’ freaky is the name of the game. Rum: Nothing says “classy” like a shot of Malibu. Rum turns everything in to a tropical get-away, complete with bikinis and bronzed bodies, making everyone model material with just a few sips. If you snag your hottie early on in the night, set your sights on Bacardi to keep things going smoothly. The drinks are orgasmic and leave you tasting like coconuts and berry deliciousness. Your fling won’t get too kinky; you’ll both finish out satisfied and exhausted. If you’re looking for a guaranteed good bang without any issues, this is the way to go.

"evan williams is a pro at bringing out the feisty actor in all of us."

Four Loko: Ah, the high school days. Don’t expect your night to be much different from prom weekend. Four Loko brings out senior year’s youthful innocence and awkward blowjobs. The sugar and caffeine are constant reminders of your “super tasty” mixed drinks of UV Blue and Mountain Dew you loved so dearly back then. Throwing back one or two of these at a party will definitely leave you feeling good, but don’t be surprised if you wake up next to his old high school football jersey and your first white thong from Kohl’s. Four Lokos allow us to embrace the virgin in all of us, complete with blood and tears. Vodka: Maybe you’re recently single and just don’t give a fuck anymore. Look no further from the good ol’ Smirnoff staple. Polluting your body with weapons grade liquor will quickly put you right on track to have some regrettable, raunchy sex that night.

"When the professor is a social equivalent of Helen Keller." - Ian E., Junior

Whiskey: There’s always been something sexy about the whole role play thing. Evan Williams is a pro at bringing out the feisty actor in all of us, so if you’re looking for a little French maid action that evening, tell the bartender to send some whiskey your way. Best place to do it? Kam’s Country Night. Everyone already has the costumes, now you just need to get to talkin’, partner. Tequila: With Kim K.’s ass, mountainous boobs, and foreign facial features reminiscent of Cleopatra, you’ve already decided your goal is to bring her home. She already has the set-up to be a total tiger in the sack, and that sexy, raspy voice would be absolutely toe-curling during dirty talk. Time to get her in the mood. Bring out her inner porn star with a few tequila shots. Girls feel sophisticated (yet wild and dangerous) while downing these babies. And they dig it when you spend a lot of money on them. Sadly, there’s always the need for moderation, as excessive drinking will cause you to pass out or vomit right before the magical moment. Sex is full of bodily secretions, but puke, piss, and shit don’t fit the bill. Well…most of the time.

"When the professor has a PhD but can't turn on the projector." - Kate L, Junior

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theblacksheeponline.com

the UIUC Guide to Townies alexander the great wrote this

The awkward student body dichotomy is the cornerstone of the college universe. The only thing that can unite frat stars and theatre nerds on a campus as fractured as ours is the shared hatred of Champaign townies of the “sons of the soil” variety. Our conflict is simple: We dislike them for being strange and creepy to us; they hate us for making their town relevant. They pay us back with physical assault and armed robbery, while we pay them back by giving their hometown a distinctly liberal bias. It’s a vicious cycle. Most suburbanites first experience a Champaignian on sporadic day trips south of I-80 to see sporting events in Memorial Stadium or Assembly Hall. This only changes when they begin attending a Big Ten University in the middle of nowhere. That is when the naïve suburbanite is first exposed to the harsh realities of country living. For the scared, home-sick suburbanite who wishes to avoid a run in with some good ‘ole boys on the weekend, here are some townie hot spots to avoid. Public Restrooms: Statistics I just made up show that 100% of all manual labor on campus is done by townies. What this means is that the odds of running into a townie in the bathroom of a university building are quite high. Bathroom etiquette in the north is far different than the south. Northern folk are all rush, all forty second power dumps. Southern folk take their time. If you really have to go and there is a townie in the stall, you’re better off pooping in the urinal. Cornfields: These damn things seem to have a magnetic effect on townies. During the harvest season, they can be seen harvesting in broad daylight (the nerve of them). During the offseason, though, they use these large, wide open spaces to host masked, candlelit rituals in order to communicate with the dead. God’s country my ass. The worst part is that we have our very own cornfield on campus. Step on the Morrow Plots and risk either expulsion or a voodoo curse.

Local Schools: If you made the misguided decision of becoming a teacher based on the assumption that it could help you inspire children, enjoy tutoring these assholes. After they graduate they either farm or sell drugs. Who’s to blame them for lacking ambition? The only thing you are really teaching them is how much suburban people think themselves superior to southern people. They don’t want to learn about Shakespeare or algebra. You can’t harvest corn with a copy of The Taming of the Shrew. Midtown Champaign: Midtown Champaign is a quaint little area, filled with buildings that look remotely historic and filled with seemingly friendly people. But beware; you have strayed far too north of campus. Leaving the UIUC campus is like leaving the boundaries of a videogame map: You are going to spontaneously die any second. Who knows, it could be a drive-by or a random stabbing or even a kidnapping, if you’re lucky. It’s a terrifying world out in those parts. You’re better off spending your spare time with an iPad outside of Espresso Royale. Green Street: The worst possible place to have to interact with a townie is obviously at any intersection on Green Street. This is when they are at their friendliest, but also their smelliest and most toothless-iest. Don’t be surprised if a townie looses a tooth mid conversation. As much as you try to ignore their moans for spare change, their begging will still haunt you in your sleep. Year after year, these country folks manage to fool our all-knowing leaders at the admissions board and get accepted into our school. Thankfully, they make themselves easily identifiable. They are nearly always wearing camouflage hats, John Deere t-shirts and have a barely visible aura of shame emanating from their person. Also they each have a toilet-sized spittoon tethered to their arms that they drag around from class to class. You’ve been warned.

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Thursday:

SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday in September: $3.50 Blue Moon 16oz Pints $4 Blue Moon 24oz Taps Fri & Sat in September: $2 Miller Lite Bottles!

Sunday Night's Show: BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music Every Sunday! JASON & THE HAYMAKERS $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans $2 Jack Daniels Honey Drinks $3 Jack Daniels Drinks

WHITE PARTY w/ $2 U CALL IT $3 Everything Else $3 Red Bull Vodka FREE WHITE GLOWSTICKS No Cover before 11:30 if you wear white!

HIT IT RUN at 10PM! DJ TwoLeg, DJ Delayney, DJ Belly Old School Hip Hop All Night!

WED 8/29

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Plus, JAMES MOORE in the front room! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 8/30

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

JIMMY HERRING BAND of WIDESPREAD PANIC with BRAINCHILD and HERBERT WISER BAND

WHITE PARTY w/ $2 U CALL IT $3 Everything Else $3 Red Bull Vodka FREE WHITE GLOWSTICKS No Cover before 11:30 if you wear white!

DJ A-Ron Spinning at 10PM! Hip-Hop, Top 40, Electro, Dance, and So Much More!

FRI 8/31

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

Pyramid Productions BACK TO SCHOOL PARTY!

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson & UV Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Fireball Whiskey $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

SAT 9/01

Open EARLY at 9am $1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

AAA, AKDPhi, LPHIE and PSA present NO STRINGS ATTACHED Back to School Party!

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You thought last week was fun? Come on in for Sunday Funday...

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music Every Sunday! JASON & THE HAYMAKERS $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans $2 Jack Daniels Honey Drinks $3 Jack Daniels Drinks

$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

SUN 9/02

SUNDAY Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM!

Sun Stereo - Live at 10PM! With Curb Service DJ Tim Williams at 12:30AM The Deep End Live Jazz on the Patio at 5:30 Late Night: Lincoln Jones, DJ Belly, Ricky Wells, Subnoxious Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! HIT IT RUN at 10PM! DJ TwoLeg, DJ Delayney, DJ Belly Old School Hip Hop All Night!

MON 9/03

Closed for Labor Day

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

TUES 9/04

CRAFT BEER NIGHT $2 Wells $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS with TIGORILLA Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 9/05

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

Beast Friends Forever Tour with Jon Walker, Mark Rose and Lucas Carpenter (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN (Late Show) JAMES MOORE in the front! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

IN WITH ET SIGN S AND G ! R U ARD O 24 H 0 GIFT C 0 A $2

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

SAT: GAMEDAY Open at 9am! 11am ILLINI vs W. Michigan Win One of Two Football Jerseys After the Game! Specials on: Bud Light - Jameson - Jager Bombs - UV Vodka

WED 8/29

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends!

THURS 8/30

Port Paradise FINALS at 9:30 Someone will WIN a Trip to Bud Light Port Paradise! Bears vs Browns 6:30pm College Football Games All Night $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $2.50 Three Olives - $3 Jack

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night Thursdays Doors Open 9PM DJ Lunics Spinning No Cover!

$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 8/31

College Football Kickoff Boise State vs MSU at 7:30pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$2 Kentucky Apples $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Flavors

SAT 9/01

GAMEDAY Open at 9am! 11am ILLINI vs W. Michigan Win One of Two Football Jerseys After the Game! Specials on: Bud Light - Jameson - Jager Bombs - UV Vodka

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!

DAVINA & THE VAGABONDS! Doors Open at 7PM

SUN 9/02

$2 FIREHAUS SUNDAYS! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor...$2! $2 Bud Light Bottles $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday! No Class Tomorrow Means Party Today!

MON 9/03

HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm $2 LONG ISLANDS $15 Bud Hydrants $3 Any Import or Craft Beer $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $1 Silver Tequila Shots

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

MNJ $3 Stoli $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

Tequila Tuesday at the 8th Grade Gance $2 Blue Moons $2 Jose Cuervo

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!

JOE'S BIKINI BATTLE! SIGN UP TODAY AND WIN $1000 CASH PRIZE! joesbrewery.com

TUES 9/04 WED 9/05

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Beach Week Begins! We are putting a Foot of Sand in the Firehaus Beer Garden! Huge Events Every Night!

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

$2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$3 Strong Islands

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

SATURDAY: DAVINA & THE VAGABONDS! Doors Open at 7PM OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!

WED 9/5: JOE'S BIKINI BATTLE! SIGN UP TODAY AND WIN $1000 CASH PRIZE! joesbrewery.com $2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

$2 Jager featuring The Dirty Girls $3 Michael Collins and Don Q Rum

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

SAT: ILL v W. Mich 11am (open 7am) Bud Lt. Tailgate Party 8-11am Shuttle Bus to Game $2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways Absolut Bloody Mary Bar $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

SUNDAY: Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

SAT: Reverse Football Tailgate Open at 11am for Illini vs WMU Watch the Game Here! $1 DRAFTS! Bud Light, Natty & All Imports! DJ John Han Spinning at Night

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! Come Get the Leinie Logo Glass Tonight! $4 Pints and $2 Refills of Honey Weiss and Summer Shandy

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 8/29

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2 Jager Bombs

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 8/30

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Miller Cat Fight Boxing at 6pm! DJ DASH Spinning All Night! $2.50 Captain & Cuervo Drinks $5.00 Hamm’s Pitchers $2.00 16oz Coors Lt & Miller Lite Bottle/Cans $2.00 Fireball & DR Shots

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 8/31

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

ILL v W. Mich 11am (open 7am) Bud Lt. Tailgate Party 8-11am Shuttle Bus to Game $2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways Absolut Bloody Mary Bar $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Reverse Football Tailgate Open at 11am for Illini vs WMU Watch the Game Here! $1 DRAFTS! Bud Light, Natty & All Imports! DJ John Han Spinning at Night

SAT 9/01

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

SPECIAL CHICAGO DJ Spinning 10pm – Close 4 Rebel Vodka Girls & Giveaways $2.00 U Call It Get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ!

SUN 9/02

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2.00 32oz Drafts $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys ESPN Fantasy Fball is Here!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

$4 Long Islands Karaoke Coming Soon! $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 9/03

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Country Music & Bands Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 9/04

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! Come Get the Bud Logo Glass Tonight! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 9/05

SICK OF YOUR APARTMENT OR DORM

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page 16

theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Year: Senior.

Year: Senior.

Major: Whippits.

Major: Community Health.

Where do you see yourself in five years?: Vegas strip club... dancer.

How long have you been bartending?: 2 years. Where do you see yourself in five years?: Stay at home dad.

Favorite superhero?: Bitch, I am a super hero.

Lamest major?: Advertising.

Weirdest place you’ve woken up after a blackout?: The Undergrad Library by the Hemingway section.

Ass or tits?: Why not both? Best place to have sex?: Manager’s office at Firehaus.

Best place to have sex?: On top of Old Smokey.

Biggest girl crush?: Emily Reece and Oprah.

Favorite drunk food?: Clitoris.

Mike e. joe's

Biggest crush?: Oprah.

Favorite childhood show?: Scooby Doo.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?: Waiting for marriage.

Most likely way you’ll go to jail?: Serving alcohol to minors (Never at Firehaus, of course).

How long have you been bar tending?: Three years.

Biggest tip you’ve ever gotten?: One single breast.

Favorite sex position?: The Reverse Flying Chinese Ninja Warrior. Twitter handle: @susp_enders

the drinking game

Flip Cup Bananagrams Whether you like it or not, school is here. Since you’ve drank yourself silly this summer and need a little brain boost, here’s a way to wipe those cobwebs from your noggin and get Tipsy Russell at the same time. What You’ll Need: 50 cups, beer, Bananagrams or Scrabble letter tiles, and vodka. Number of Players: No more than five. Good thing you don’t have many friends. Level of Intoxication: Pukin’ in the banana bag. How to Play: - Set up 50 cups on a table. - Fill 35 with beer and 15 with vodka. Make sure the vodka cups are randomly dispersed among the beer cups. - Give every player 15 Bananagram pieces, face down. - All players must flip their pieces over at the same time. - Players individually begin creating words in a crossword-like fashion. - Players may trade letters with their opponents. - When a player uses all of her letters, he or she says “Peel!” and every player must choose one cup and flip it on the table. - If the cup doesn’t land facedown, that player must toss back another cup. This continues until a player successfully lands a cup upside down. - If a player has letters that are impossible to place in their crossword, that player can call out “Dump!” and exchange the letter for more letters depending on how many cups he or she drinks (for example, if the player drinks two cups, he or she can take two new letters). - Once someone uses all of their letters, they say “Bananagrams!” and every other player must take a shot. The Game Ends When: Someone gets “Bananagrams!” Refill all cups and start over.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Jeff M. firehaus

Favorite Nintendo game?: Drunken Mario Kart is the only answer. Sex position: Yes.

Recipe for Disaster

S’mores Puppy Chow S’mores-flavored puppy chow, need we say more? Get s’more deliciousness without the pain-in-the-ass task of building, maintaining and extinguishing a bonfire. Where can one build a roaring campfire on a college campus, anyway? This grub is so delicious you might need a clean pair of pants afterwards. You’re welcome. What You’ll Need: Golden Grahams, chocolate chips, and mini-marshmallows. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: Your stomach won’t grow outward, your teeth will just cave in. They’re totally worth it, though. Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the chocolate chips in a bowl until fully melted. Don’t burn ‘em or it’ll stink up your apartment. - Stir the chocolate until all the lumps and bubbles are gone. - Pour your Golden Grahams into a bowl. - Slowly pour chocolate all over your cereal. - Mix the cereal until all pieces are covered in chocolate. Add a little more if you’re feeling generous. - Take the mini marshmallows and mix them into your chocolate-covered cereal. - Put your final product in the freezer until the chocolate has hardened. Taste just one handful of this and we promise you’ll never make an old, boring s’more again.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review booze review: malibu red | grade: a Overview: If you thought Malibu couldn’t get any better, we’re here to tell you that you’re fucking wrong. The perfect combination of Caribbean rum, silver tequila, and coconut liqueur combined in one classy little bottle is tasty enough to drop panties even before the first sip.

able to taste the perfection of Malibu Red.

History: After a long, stressful week during the start of their summer job with Malibu, two chemistry interns were reprimanded for their poor performance. Upset and concerned that they would soon be out on their asses, the boys tried to calm their nerves one night with some drinks. With a few free sample bottles of rum from work and a hefty paycheck, they decided to splurge and buy a fancy bottle of tequila to help further eliminate their sorrows. After listening to a few Ne-Yo songs, their dancing became a little shaky and drink mixing abilities faltered. One of the guys splashed some rum and tequila together into his cup and was amazed at how smoothly it went down. His buddy tried it too and couldn’t believe the perfect combination. With new confidence and a marketable idea, the interns returned to work and slammed a red Solo cup on their manager’s desk. “Drink,” they said, simultaneously. Needless to say, the boys were promoted, and the rest of the world soon was

User Comments: “Wow, Ne-Yo is such a great artist.” “This starts to taste like peanut butter and jelly after a while.” “Smooth. Oh God, it’s so smooth.” “No way there’s tequila in this! I might be getting better at taking shots!” “Why are my clothes coming off so easily?”

Typical Drinkers: Sorority girls, horny widows, beach combers, Ne-Yo, chemistry enthusiasts, fist-pumpers and their friends.

Conclusion: It’s an easy way to pretend you’re a badass for drinking tequila when it’s really masked beneath of the most stereotypical “girly” drinks of all time. It’s all-around delicious and needs to become a regular in the ole' liquor cabinet.

Best Mixer: sprite | Worst Mixer: coca-cola

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page 18

Todd Akin and a Uterus Walk Into a Classroom…

Gender and Women’s Studies (GWS) 777 Course Syllabus, fall 2012 INSTRUCTOR: CONGRESSMAN TODD AKIN

10) Not Knowing How to Party: So you’ve come to college…and you don’t know how to unwind on the weekend. That’s already a bad start. Your parents are going to love paying for you to get your stomach pumped…six times. When everyone’s too afraid of getting a drinking ticket to call an ambulance, just stick to O’Doul’s.

Office location: United States Senate Capitol 2012, biznatches . Office hours: Anytime the Lord calls you to commune with Missouri’s finest congressman when he is not busy defending pro-life, second amendment, and anti-Department of Education issues. So, pretty much never.

Course Description: A congressman’s most important job is to address relevant, controversial issues despite all the haters on social media. With the instructor’s recent gaffe, it’s time to confront the highly uncomfortable and inconceivable (no pun intended) situation. The course is conducted in debate format. Todd Akin defends himself against America. The course meets weekdays at 8 a.m., ending when Akin’s shirt is soaked with sweat or his entire body is covered in pregnancy tests, condoms, and feminine products heaved by students; whichever comes first. Objectives: Akin emphasizes three traits throughout the course. Scholars should be able to apply these traits to themselves, politicians, and the final exam. Actually, just worry about the last one. Perseverance: “Never give up, never surrender.” Galaxy Quest speaks the truth. If there’s one thing the congressman’s gaffe demonstrates, it’s to follow your dreams. Don’t surrender just because the GOP and presidential candidate Mitt Romney urge you to resign to save the Republican Party grief. Retaliate and refuse. That’s a true American hero. Can we get a “‘MERICA” cheer up in here? Tenacity: Withstand scrutiny. Always. Forever. Never forget that. There’s not much else to say… Just reread the perseverance section again. Humility: Regret is for sinners. Admit the cat got your tongue, and you merely jumbled your words. American citizens will forgive a man who knows where correction is

9) Coming to College With a Significant Other: It’s your first day of college, and all the hot new ass is pretty tempting, but don’t give in. Passing up on tonight’s dorm room date watching The Notebook to go to frats with the boys could send her on a violent, jealous rage. Keep a hand on your family jewels, because that’s where she’ll be aiming first. 8) Living on the Same Floor as Your Ex: Just when you’re ready to move on after high school, you were placed a few doors down from your ex, who lacks sanity and anger management skills. If he can’t have you, then no one can.

needed, not whose cowardice makes him look weak. Lie when necessary, and remember to nod and smile. Conceal and carry and a loose cannon mouth don’t go together when obtaining a Senate seat. If questions arise, just collect call Rod Blagojevich in prison. Required Texts: A thesaurus is all a scholar needs. The truth comes from the mind, but sometimes the mind needs a little assistance in choosing the right words. You wouldn’t want to mix up “legitimate” and “forcible.” Grading Scale: Grades are not divided among exams, papers, quizzes, and attendance. There’s simply an overall grade, worth 100%, determined vaguely by the instructor. Just as there’s no question in Akin’s mind about conception and abortion, there’s no question about grading. Quizzes and Papers: “I used the wrong words in the wrong way.” This claim, uttered publically by Akin, may be used on any quiz or paper. Students may write this phrase on an incorrect answer on any assignment, and demerits are dissolved. Grades move on just as campaigns move on. *Disclaimer from the University of Illinois: We realize some students may be offended with our selection. However, the congressman has credentials: father of two daughters and a frequent (Bible) reader. Also, it was determined he isn’t as atrocious as the men portrayed in the 2012 film The Campaign. *Disclaimer from Planned Parenthood: This organization lists Todd Akin as one of their “Toxic Ten” worst legislators. That’s sure to trump Rate My Professor in deciding to take this course. ‘Nuff said.

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Ways You'll Die Freshman Year Starting college with a carefree attitude is a bad idea. It's not just fun and games, alcohol and occasional class. Beware of the dangers around you that you never would have seen coming.

Rebecca Jacobs wrote this

About the Instructor: Congressman Todd Akin is most well known for an infamous quote: “From what I understand from doctors, [pregnancies caused by rape are] really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something, I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist and not attacking the child.” Aside from being misinformed about the female reproductive system, Akin was apparently an average college student and earned an engineering degree after a humble upbringing on a farm. Akin fights for the rights of fetuses unborn and inanimate objects meant to end human lives. (Note from Akin’s teaching assistants: Yeah, we’re just as confused as you).

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7) Contracting One of Those Cool Venereal Diseases: He seemed like a really nice frat star, but his junk was just as dirty as his house’s urinal cakes. Your first trip to McKinley for a simple STD test will just turn into another typical incorrect diagnosis, and any of the meds you receive will be fatal. 6) Living in PAR: The food may be pretty decent for a dorm but not good enough to risk sexual assault and murder on the long walk home. Enjoy the beautiful view of the cemetery, you’ll be residing there soon. 5) Flunking Out: Don’t let your grades slip too far. Getting kicked out of school to retreat home is bad enough, but your life could be on the line. Your parents are going to end you for wasting their hard-earned money. 4) Living With a Crackhead: How a crackhead made it as far as college we will never know, but stranger things have happened. Just hope he doesn’t end up as your roommate. Who knows what kind of weird shit he’ll be shoving up your nose and in your mouth while you’re asleep. 3) Being a Good Student: Freshman year is for exploration and orgies, not succeeding academically. If you fail to realize this and just hide yourself away in the library each day surrounded by books and flashcards, your social life will cease to exist. Enter depression and loneliness. Check yourself out of the library before you altogether check yourself out. 2) Becoming Your Dorm’s Drug Dealer: Being a drug dealer is a big responsibility. You provide a valuable service for the community, and need to be available during all hours of the night. Stay anonymous, though, because if the townie drug lords find out, there’s gonna be a Breaking Bad-esque throwdown. 1) Pooping Yourself at a Popular Campus Bar: (You really thought we would let this go? No way.) Not only will that ruin your freshman year, it will ruin the rest of your life. Thanks to the advances in social media technology, that moniker will follow you forever. Until you literally die from embarrassment. Yes, that’s medically possible.

mike rottar wrote this

continued from the cover

page 19

Upon approaching his armory shed, Sir Beckman spoke to his knights thusly, “Men, you have traveled with me many miles and into the throes of danger. The evil we face is of the winged lizards. The name of this dragon is Zook, and when we face him, we’re gonna be packing some serious fucking heat.” Sir Beckman threw open the door to the shed and revealed it to be full of M16s, AK47-Us, a couple M1611A1 pistols, TEC-9s, RPGs, and frag grenades a-plenty. The knights strapped themselves to the teeth and then headed to Champaign to do battle with Zook. When the knights arrived in Champaign they bore witness to the destruction that Zook had done to the once-peaceful town. Many of the buildings lay in ruins, and much of the town had been charred into a fine black ash. Truly, Zook had ruined everything the townspeople had loved about Champaign. When the knights observed the extent of the destruction, anger quickly flowed through them, and they went in search of the great beast. Zook was found in a deep slumber upon a mountain of gold in the center of the village. The knights wasted no time while they had a jump on the lizard. To initiate the attack, the knights each lobbed a frag grenade at Zook and ran into the square, guns blazing. The great dragon woke up in a fit of anger as Sir Beckman ran up the mountain of gold, blowing through magazines like a madman. However, the bullets proved ineffective against the strong scales of the dragon. Zook’s initial confusion was followed by furious anger. After assessing the attack, the beast rose onto its feat on let out a great burst of flame. The fiery tongues leapt through the air and struck Sir Banks, igniting him in flame. As Sir Butkus went to aid his fellow knight, Sir Beckman jumped down the mountain of gold and withdrew his RPG. Upon turning to face Sir Beckman, Zook reeled its head back in a prep of another burst of flame. At this moment, Sir Beckman fired a single rocket at Zook. When Zook opened its mouth to shoot more flame, the rocket entered its mouth and the dragon exploded from the inside. After the commotion died down, the townspeople of Champaign emerged from their homes and celebrated with mead and song. Sir Beckman and the rest of his knights worked diligently in the years following to repair Champaign to its previous glory. The repairs were completed on an evening in autumn, and there was much rejoicing. Sir Beckman was humble throughout the process and insisted that what he did for Champaign was for the people, not for glory. Sir Beckman lived and worked among the people of Champaign until one night, when, just as quickly as he arrived, he left Champaign, remaining only in the form of memory and song.

He has seen the face of death. it's name was zook.

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the interview

Dan Deacon

Ask someone what they first think of when Baltimore comes to mind, and often the response will be one of two things: Crime or The Wire. Well, there’s also Dan Deacon, people. Part of the vibrant Wham City Collective, Deacon’s brand of music is as weird as it is catchy. Dan will be playing at the North Coast Music Festival this Saturday. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: I’m not as interested in how you started playing music, but when did it hit you that this is something you wanted to do for a living? Dan Deacon: Actually, I think the “this is it” moment came in three parts. When I was young and I first heard the trombone, I knew at that moment I was really interested in music. The second step toward my life in music occurred when I first started using MIDI files (Editor’s Note: these are used in making music on a computer.), it showed me how much one could actually toy with sounds, and those sounds became music. It wasn’t until my first tour that I was sure that this was what I wanted to do for a living. I wrapped up a tour and realized that I got paid a little bit of money to play music in parts of the world I didn’t think I was going to see. TBS: Your live shows are notoriously awesome. Do you plan ahead for them, or is it all spontaneous? Dan: When I’m playing a live show, a lot of what happens really is playing off the crowd’s energy. I’ll try to introduce one or two new ideas on each tour, but a lot of what happens are spontaneous reactions to the crowd’s energy. Like, if the crowd is going crazy, I’m having a great time up there. If the crowd doesn’t seem like it’s having a good time, I take it in one of two directions, either I’ll try harder to try to win them over, or it’ll be like, “Fuck ‘em, I’m doing this anyway.” TBS: So what’s it like playing in front of a crowd that’s not into it? Dan: Oh, I mean, that rarely happens. I’d say nine out of ten times the crowd is really into it. I mean, really, I can’t even remember the last time I played a show and the crowd wasn’t having a good time. Even then, when I say, “Fuck ‘em,” it’s more, “I’m going to put on the best show I can, regardless of

what they may think about it.” TBS: Over the past few years electronic music has really came on the scene, though it’s music that’s very different from the stuff that you do. Does that excite you? Make you wary? Dan: I’ll just be happy when it’s not considered electronic music anymore. I may not be really into a lot of what people consider electronic music, but I’m really interested in the way artists are able to create sounds that we’ve never seen in music before. Even more than that, many “electronic” musicians add nonelectronic elements to their music. What I don’t want to see is us going backward - music that sounds like music that was popular in the eighties and the nineties. TBS: When you started to introduce elements like strings into your music again, was that difficult? Was there a learning curve? Dan: Well, when I started working with acoustic instruments again, it was challenging. I was rusty, having not used them in so long. Creating music isn’t like riding a bike—you don’t just pick it back up right away; it’s like speaking a language, if you don’t practice regularly, then you lose those skills. When I picked up some of the compositions that I had written when I was in college I was sitting there wondering how I had put them together back then. TBS: What the fuck is “Crystal Cat” about? Dan: [Laughs] I’ve never heard anyone ask that before. Well, on “Crystal Cat” I took the instrumental part of the song and I just started making nonsense noises that fit with how the song was progressing. After that, I worked on turning those noises into words, which fit with the music.

TBS: Watermelon or cantaloupe? Dan: I guess it would depend on the situation that I’m in, but nine times out of ten I’m going to choose the watermelon. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what animal would you choose? Dan: A dragon. TBS: What is one thing you want to see or do before you die? Dan: I’m not sure. Nothing.

Guys Fawn Over in College

Though many will say college is the beginning of adulthood, walking onto campus isn’t just flipping a switch into

grown-up-ville. We hold on as long as we can, littering our new reality with memories of yesteryear. You roll over in the morning to find a sleeping beauty in your bed, and it reminds you of when you were young, holding Lucy Rachelson’s hand as Prince Phillip kissed his love back into life. Well, what other Disney Princesses does a man fall for in college? By: Brendan

The Jasmine A Whole New Wet Dream:

The Belle Beauty with the Busted:

The Snow White Pure as a Powdery Addiction: Every

Ah, you have fond memories of Sally Birchwell—the prettiest girl in class, and the senior prom date of a lifetime. She was the best thing Podunk, USA had to offer; shame she got knocked up after you went away for college. Suddenly you snap out of the daydream and realize you’re absentmindedly gnawing on a chicken nugget, staring right at—wait! Holy crap, that’s the most exotic looking hottie you’ve ever seen; big white eyes set in caramel, dark skin. Your openly racist uncle didn’t tell you they made them like that over in…over in…well, over in whatever country that was where he served.

Couples in a classroom are always an annoying proposition. When they’re not busy holding hands, they’re swapping notes. When they’re not swapping notes, it’s forlorn “I can’t believe this aisle separates us, I love you so much, baby” glances that make you sick to your stomach. Well, these two are the cardinal sinners of classroom coupledom. He’s hairier than a Greek yeti and sports a googly eye, while a doll of her hair would fetch a pretty penny on the pervy black market. “If only I had his money,” you think to yourself as they tear off in his BMW M5 after class. Alas, you’re reminded of your ramen-only lifestyle on your rainy bike ride home.

Tuesday and Thursday she passes you as you walk back to your apartment. Every Tuesday and Thursday she has a half-dozen bros tripping over their own feet, trying to win her favor. Every Friday and Saturday you fail to spot her in the bars among the dolled-up strumpets, and when you stalk her on Facebook it’s all “I love Jesus” this and “I support Chick-fil-A” that. What gives? Sure, she’s the fairest in the land, but how does Mrs. Goodie Goodie keep the testosterone and semen-fueled bro train in line? To you, it’s worth finding out. The group could really use a seventh dope fawning all over Miss Pure-as-the-Driven-Snow, right?

The Cinderella

The Ariel

The Mulan

The Glass Slipper of Regret: As soon

as your eyes open and you remember what you’ve done the phrase starts ringing in your heard: “After two, she’s a ten. After ten, she’s a two.” Well, after enough Jagermeister everyone thinks they’re Prince Charming, and this pumpkin of a pick-up that fell into your lap managed to hold on until the clock struck midnight. You do your best to feign sleep, hoping beyond hope she’ll wake up soon and make a quick and shameful exit. Finally, her iPhone buzzes and she starts collecting her things. As she exits your place you carefully peer out of the corner of the window—yup, two bitchy (sorority) sisters are picking her up. Looks like she’ll be on maid duty for a few weeks for this little incident.

A Sea of Men:

Freshman orientation feels like a distant memory, but you’ll never forget her. She sat upright in the front row of the placement exam, hair in a bun, no make-up, with a “daddy’s little girl” t-shirt proudly covering up whatever genetics gave her. You still think about her, wondering what corner of the library she squirrels herself away in on a Friday night. In line at Walgreen’s, the thought of her inches across your brain as a party girl sporting a clamshell bra orders a pack of Marlboro Golds. Wait, red hair? Button nose? It’s her! You try to get her attention, but she’s too busy cackling with her girlfriends about last night’s experience with sexual inadequacies. This Eric guy she’s howling about, he must be a dead fish in the sack, or something.

Tonya Tough Tits: You thought you had

an easy in when she entered Shakespeare I sporting her intramural basketball t-shirt. You tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she’d be interested in shooting hoops. When she hissed, “4:30, be there,” through pursed lips you should have known you were in trouble. Instead, you started sporting half a chub when she rolled up in short shorts, a sports bra and Jordans. She crossed you over once. Lucky. Then she crossed you over again. Then she picked your pocket and did the prettiest reverse layup your eyes ever did see. Fast-forward and she wins 21-6, while you’re almost certain she handed you a few of those points. To her, college is not a man’s world.

the riddle

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Out with the Zook

page 23

In with the Chief aaron wrote this

For six years Chief Illiniwek has been banned as mascot for the school. For six years, the football team has gone without anything more than the tag “The Fighting Illini,” to which new students have no idea what it is referring to. Were these fighting Illini sumo wrestlers? Professional hunters? Perhaps a sly reference to the homeless that reside on Green Street? No. The Fighting Illini refers to none other than the exonerated mascot, Chief Illiniwek. The Chief was removed from his position as school mascot when too many people complained and found his costume and dances offensive to the Native American population. Efforts to resuscitate the mascot have previously been met with unparalleled resistance. Students have led many efforts to bring him back, from petitions to social media posts. After all their ruckus and a few convincing Facebook statuses, the local Native American community has approached the school to see what can be done. Now, with a slew of offering chips on the table, the University of Illinois is ready to make a deal that all Native Americans can agree on. “It turns out that the majority of them didn’t want their image being tarnished by Ron Zook’s inability to coach. Now that he’s canned, the tribe has been a lot more willing to listen.” Chief negotiator of the new deal, President Robert Easter, has had to stick with Chief Sitting Bull and his strict guidelines. “The first thing we have to do is fire all the librarians and give all of the jobs to the tribe. We can do that. Does anyone here know

the Dewey Decimal System?” Easter asked, laughing as he crossed off a bunch of names from a list. “This will ease negotiation talks.” Next on the list? Season tickets for the entire Lakota tribe. Perhaps even more Native American-themed souvenirs and food items will become available for purchase too, including Moccasin Mugs and Headdress Hamburgers, where a large majority of the profits will go towards improvement of nearby reservations. “We want to be able to attend the football games where our proud tribesman will be dancing,” Sitting Bull said. “Regardless of the final score, which will most likely be a blowout loss for the Illini.

Easter has backed down from his stance. “I’ll do it. Let’s bring that damn mascot back and shut up all the boozers.” The treaty has been signed by everyone, except for Illinois Student Senate president Brock Gebhardt. “Um, I think we’re going to need Unofficial. How else am I going to get reelected? That’s on one of my main campaign days. Kids on this campus don’t give a shit about elections when they’re sober,“ Gebhardt said. “I’m not signing any of this garbage. Those Native Americans can go cry me a river.”

“The next change that will be brought to campus is the elimination of Unofficial. Alcohol is strictly forbidden on all Native American reservations, and I don’t want any chance of relapses or tomahawk injuries.” The idea of axing Unofficial, an unauthorized holiday that amasses untold amount of money and publicity for the school, brought great trepidation to Easter.

When told about the tactless reference to the Trail of Tears he just made, Gebhardt seemed blissfully unaware. “Trail of Tears? What, is our football team playing right now against Ohio State or something?” No one laughed.

“Wait, I’ve never been president for Unofficial before. Isn’t that the only thing our students have to look forward to? How am I supposed to tell them that they can’t binge drink on March 1st?” After initially yelling at Sitting Bull for “crossing the line,”

We will know soon if Chief Illiniwek is reinstated. In the mean time, the librarians of the Undergraduate Library have promised to smuggle out any of their old movie guides to anyone who will protest this impending treaty.

the classtime madlib: 1st day of freshman year I’m just reading over my ___1___ entry from yesterday, where I live-blogged my first day of college. Holy ___2___, I am awesome: 8 am: Okay, so I’m getting ready for my first “class” lol. This to-go coffee mug is so perfect for ___3___ and ___4___. Plus I’ll look so ___5___ around the guys. I hope some are wearing ___6___! 10:20 am: Thaaaat was boring. Skipping ___7___ because I don’t even know what I want to be yet. I’m thinking I could be the next ___8___ because I’m so emotional and creative. Hopefully my roommate is back, she’s from ___9___ but I can tell she’s got a wild side to her, like that bitch ___10___. Maybe she’ll want to rip the ___11___ and go H.A.M. in the caf. 11:30 am: WOW what a ___12___! She said she won’t smoke yet because she usually waits until right before dinner. I wonder if everything is okay? I found her fifth of ___13___ and I’m just going to have a sip.

11:55am: I just Googled hiccup cure. :/ 1:30 pm: So I went to the Caf by myself and spilled a tray of ___14___ all over this cute darkskinned boy. I said “___15___, you ain’t trippin’, I am trippin.’” Everyone laughed at me! Maybe I’ll be the next Chelsea Handler? 2pm: I just ordered an extra-large, double ___16___ pizza, about to carry it down the hall to make some drinkin’ buddies. 4:35 PM: OH MY GOSH I just got this sophomore to buy me alcohol, but she insisted on a 6-pack of ___17___ instead of the 30 rack I hoped for. She goes, “You don’t want to end up like ___18____.” I was kind of offended, but I took them anyway. 9:30 pm: Wow, I’ve never had a nap like that before! Feels like I’ve been on ___20___ for like three years. I went to the bathroom and saw I had vomit on my ___21____ so that’s cool. Met some girls bonging ___22___ in the bathroom, so I think I’m going to meet up with them now. College is awesome!

1) online blog/journal 2) expletive 3) Cheap liquor 4) unusual mixer 5) adjective for smart 6) type of fabric 7) Entry-level math 8) Trendy author 9) foreign country 10) rowdy celebrity

11) weed smoking device 12) adjective for dork 13) expensive liquor 14) drunk food 15) slang for boy 16) meat topping 17) craft beer 18) celebrity in #10 19) Trashy mtv show 20) Planet 21) Article of clothing 22) cheap beer

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