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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 2
Syllabus Week: The Drinking Game The Gonz Wrote This Some students don’t believe it exists (*cough* nerds *cough*), but the majority of the student body knows and treasures the one reason to look forward to the start of every semester: Syllabus Week. Here at The Black Sheep we help you, the student, in your drinking endeavors by organizing every bar special all week into one neat little chart, but today we will go above and beyond by giving you the ultimate way to celebrate with a classic drinking game. Don’t forget, the “real work” starts September 1. What You’ll Need: A class schedule with little-to-no first week assignments— looking at you, psychology majors—and enough booze to last the week. (Note: Your tolerance is probably at infant-level if you didn’t imbibe during the summer, otherwise load up on the handles and 30-packs). Number of Players: All of your friends, plus all of your new friends that you’ll never talk to again after this week. Let’s just say an infinite number of players. Level of Intoxication: “Class? What class?” How to Play: The game starts at the end of your classes each day (this isn’t Unofficial, don’t drink during class, you miscreant). Begin the game by choosing a bar at random (or follow the drink specials) and pick a different campus town bar each day of the week.
If you’re a:
Freshman: Congrats on being at least
19 to enter the bar! Now go home and memorize your syllabuses (syllabi?), because college is hard and weekday drinking is for those who have already given up on life (e.g. us at The Black Sheep). Post-August birthday kiddies can just completely sit this one out and tinker around in your dorms – you’re especially not ready for Champaign yet. Sophomore: Loudly announce to the entire bar that you’re not a freshman anymore. Make jokes about the freshmen as often as possible. Complain about how difficult your classes are and then sit and mope, while still being happy that you’re no longer a freshman. Junior: Laugh at the sophomores and internally dread how difficult your classes are going to be. Mull over the syllabuses you received today and try to forget that you’re going to have to drop a grand on textbooks. Senior: Forget that there is such thing as an underclassman and cheers to your buddies for making it this far. You’ve already seen the worst of your curriculum last year, now it’s smooth sailing until you realize that you’re going to have to move back in with your parents when you don’t get a job offer.
Drink Once:
-When someone attempts to pluralize the word “syllabus.” Syllabuses? Syllabese? Syllaby? Syllabi? SyllaLGBT? -If you already lost your syllabus (one drink per syllabus lost).
-For each time your heard the “Academic Dishonesty Policy” read aloud in class.
Drink Twice:
-For each class that let out early, drink three times if it was before the half-hour mark. -For each syllabus that looks like it hasn’t been changed since the 80s. Finish your drink if there was outdated information or
leftover racism (for example, “The Effects of the Cold War on Colored People”). -If a friend from another school asks “What’s Syllabus Week?” and then after you tell him says, “Oh… we don’t have a name for that.”
-Every 50 minutes, players will be given 10 minutes to move to a different table. -Players must raise their hand before talking. Any player who fails to do so will be given the death glare by all other players for 10 seconds. And a shot.
Additional Rules:
The Game Ends: Monday, September 1 (but restarts at the beginning of the spring semester, woo hoo!)
-All players must sit facing one direction, lecture hall/classroom-style.
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HOW TO NOT GET CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN COLLEGE
ILLINI FOOTBALL TEAM SET TO PLAY ANOTHER SEASON OF FOOTBALL
WHAT DOES YOUR TAILGATING BEVERAGE SAY ABOUT YOU?
IT’S A TIME OF THE YEAR, PEOPLE MAY OR MAY NOT BE EXCITED, ETC.
DON’T FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS BUT, YES, WE’RE JUDGING YOU.
HEED OUR ADVICE ON HOW TO WANK OFF WITHOUT THINGS GETTING WEIRD.
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GOURMEH A recipe prepared using only non-perishable products.
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Finally being away from my parents is cool and all, but I haven’t exactly had the best luck in the dorms so far. Despite cracking my door open and playing loud music while browsing reddit on my laptop, people on my floor still aren’t stopping by to introduce themselves. Why aren’t they advancing on my noticeably inviting hospitality? From, A Frowning Freshman Dear Blatant Loser,
Karen’s ramen-and-Kraft Single mac n’ cheese gourmeh meal sated her drunk munchies, but made her regret her decisions the next morning.
“Inviting hospitality?” The only thing you’re inviting your floormates to do is help confirm how big of a gutless loser you are! GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR DORM ROOM, SON. You’re on a campus that’s at least a two and a half-hour drive from your parents and loaded with the 18-22-year-old demographic of America’s youth. You go to a major public uni-
to the
EDITOR
versity whose collective idea of nightlife translates directly to binge drinking and regretful hook-ups. Has this not been what your corruptible, mistake-prone little mind has been waiting for all throughout the dark ages of high school? Rather than sitting on your laptop all day being social on subreddits and image boards hoping that people on your floor will actually give a shit about your obnoxiously loud music tastes, why not be social, you know, with real people? You do know that there are over 40,000 real life people at this university, right? There’s bound to be at least a couple other losers in the bunch who’d enjoy your company. But until you nut up and take on your potential new acquaintances by the balls, you’ll never see what’s going on at U of I outside of /r/uiuc. So, get on out there and grab those balls! …But first, finish reading this issue, would you? It makes me feel better about myself. Yours truly, Tex Mex
PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC
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Dry Rush Resulting In Geed Pledge Classes Banana Boy Wrote This
With Welcome Week over, fraternity rush has gone into full-swing across the UIUC campus. With the Interfraternity Council enforcing the social alcohol ban more than ever, the drinking at rush events has dropped significantly, because no fraternities ever break any rules. However, there has been a side effect that nobody saw coming and could permanently change the Greek community forever. “All these rushees are fuckin’ geeds,” complained Alex Farnan, a fraternity member from an undisclosed house. According to Farnan and many other fraternity brothers, the change in rush tactics has led to potential pledges being bigger boners than they have ever been before. “I mean, clearly every freshman that rushes will be somewhat of a goober but things are getting out of hand,” continued Farnan. He alleged that while speaking to a rush Tuesday night the freshman in question asked whether he preferred the
HTC One or the Nexus 5. That is a horrifying question because as we all know Android is for geeds, and if you’re even going to consider going down that path you gotta get a Galaxy 5S. With increased focus on Quad Day and other sober events, fraternities have been attracting members that would have never considered joining a house in the past. IFC President Kurt Zellner is thrilled with the results so far this semester and plans to further expand the “geed-ification” of fraternities across campus. “I have a dream that one day rushees will not be judged by the number of pockets on their shorts, but by the content of their character,” Zellner said with a tear in his eye. Blatant rip-offs of Martin Luther King Jr. aside, there are many that strongly oppose the increased enforcement. Billy Jefferson, the recruitment chair for
yet another undisclosed fraternity, said the rules have made his job infinitely more difficult. “A few years ago, we could pour liquor down these kids’ throats until the bar ran dry, but now everything’s different,” he sighed. “Now I have to actually think of things to have these little shits do that don’t involve alcohol, and let me tell you it sucks ass.” With sober events such as Game Night and Ultimate Frisbee, it’s not hard to see why fraternities have started attracting geeds. Freshman Milton Walters said he never would’ve stood a chance in past years, but now he’s one of the top recruits. Wellversed in long boarding and playing the accordion, Walters claims that he’s exactly what fraternities are looking for. “I heard that they don’t play Dungeons & Dragons in frats, but I definitely want to change that,” replied Walters when asked what he wanted to get out of joining a fraternity. He also mentioned that he wants to meet
girls, but as he said that it appeared that he peed his pants a little.
shortsighted, it speaks volumes on how geeds are taking over Illinois’ Greek system.
Some fraternity brothers are so frustrated with this year’s rushees that they’re beginning to consider moving to a formal rush akin to how sororities on campus run rush. “Learning all those stupid songs would be better than living with a bunch of kids who get their rocks off playing League of Legends,” commented Farnan. Although that decision may sound a bit
As rush continues on for the next couple weeks, fraternities can only hope that the crop of freshman starts clearing up. While most fraternities always follow all the rules that are set up for them, many are considering going down the dark road that is known as dirty rush. As Jefferson so succinctly put it, “we were all geeds once, but holy shit these kids are fuckin’ geeds.”
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How to Not Get Caught Masturbating in College Squirrel Man Wrote This
Okay, freshmen. It’s time to address the elephant in the room. By now, everybody has told you everything you would care to know about surviving college, except for one crucial item: how to make sure nobody catches you jacking off. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has you covered. Every fall, thousands of roommates meet at U of I, and as they begin to occupy the same dorm, many think, “Gosh, it’s harder to whack my pud with this guy around.” And these freshmen must figure out, by themselves, how to masturbate stealthily all over again, so we’ve collected pieces of advice from upperclassmen who’ve been there and figured it out all on their own: Name: Steve Thompson Year: Junior Dorm: FAR Medical Illness: Chronic Fapper Steve used to live at FAR with a guy
who was frequently out and about, so he was granted ample “me time.” But Steve took every precaution before flogging the dolphin. “Obviously you want to lock your door and keep your pants on, and you’ll also want to remember your roommate’s class schedule, of course,” he said. “And don’t wear headphones when you do it. That may sound counter intuitive, but you need your hearing in order to tell when your roommate is unlocking the door.” Name: Tony Shabel Year: Senior Dorm: Townsend Medical Illness: Frequent Phallic Fondling Disorder (FPD) Tony offered a clever, fail-safe solution: “Always have a nonpornographic video ready in another tab on your browser – preferably a video which features a woman screaming or moaning.
The idea is to fool your roommate into believing you were watching something else all along, in the event that he returns earlier than expected.”
Name: Agatha Simpson Year: Senior Dorm: LAR Medical Illness: Diamond Dipper Disorder (DDD)
Name: Bobby Feenan Year: Sophomore Dorm: Six Pack Medical Illness: Whacker Disease
Agatha has always been a fan of paddling the pink canoe, but unfortunately, her freshman year roommate was a recluse. She allowed minimal opportunity for Agatha to enjoy solitude in her dorm. “That bitch didn’t give me any time to jill-off in my own dorm,” said Agatha. “Every night, I would take a walk to Mt. Hope Cemetery, where I could be alone with my favorite toy, Mr. Happiness and His Three Speeds to Heaven.”
It becomes much trickier when you have multiple roommates in a dorm. Bobby used to live with three guys in the Six Pack during his freshman year. He remembers it being highly impractical to burp the worm in the privacy of his room. Thus, Bobby would pleasure himself only in the shower, and he scheduled his showers for when nobody else was likely to be in the communal bathroom – after all, everybody can tell when you’re beating off in the shower.
Name: Tom Mills Year: Junior Dorm: Allen Hall Legal Issue: Public Pervert Some students, as we’ve found out, aren’t quite so concerned about
getting caught. Tom is willing to jack-off pretty much wherever: on a bus, on the Quad, inside Grainger during finals week, etc. “I don’t see why there’s so much shame in masturbation. I mean, we all do it, so why should we hide it?” Tom said. “You know, it’s amazing that I haven’t been arrested yet.”
There you go, freshmen. You now know how to continue masturbating in college without getting a bad reputation in your dorm or encountering some awkward handshakes. And now that you have this knowledge, you can live the rest of your life pretending that this article didn’t help you immensely in your young adulthood. You’re welcome.
SORORITY OPINION: School Should be Postponed Until After Recruitment Sasha Stevens Wrote This
Ok, I’m glad everyone’s back for school and all – getting to go out with my bitches and just have the time of our lives every night like it’s out last night you know – but to be honest I’m pretty sick of this whole school thing. I mean, it’s syllabus week (one of the guys in my boyfriend’s house calls it “Chill-abus Week” which I know is overused but it’s funny when he says it because that’s why he’s saying it).
Students Drop Harsh Reality from 309 Rooftops Jupiter Stevens Wrote This
A University of Illinois student was internally injured Tuesday evening after a harsh dose of reality was dropped from the twenty-third floor of a 309 apartment balcony and fell to the north Green St. sidewalk. “I was walking and it literally just hit me,” junior Karl Burns said, rubbing his forehead in confusion. “I just found myself thinking, ‘I guess there will always be people in the world who think it’s fun to drop stuff on other people from really high places.’” The junior said he didn’t even consider the possibility of a flying object crashing into his skull as he walked home to his Champaign apartment where he had an entire evening planned to bother no one and mind his own business. “One second you’re talking on the phone with your mom, telling her how awesome the city is and how great it is to have everyone back in town for the school year, and then the next second you find yourself dodging debris like you’re filming a sequel to Platoon or something.”
If we even learned anything during this week then maybe I would reconsider my view on the subject but frankly I’ve thought about it enough. Let’s look at the facts: No one cares about syllabus week (duh) and everyone cares about going out and having a legen-wait for it-dary night (that’s a joke from this show I watch).
year when one of my professors tried to give me an assignment on the second class of the year. You know what I did? Yeah, that’s right. I laughed in. His. Face. Like, are you kidding me...? Yeah right, old man, I’ve got shit to do. I’ve got new sisters to recruit and commitments, you know? Ever heard of commitments? Didn’t think so, that word’s probably too big for your old brain. But whatever.
I remember this one time last
Anyways, recruitment is hap-
pening at the same time school is happening. Is that a joke? Am I an octopus? Can I be in eight different places at the same time? Didn’t think so. But again, whatever. I mean, I guess I could just get kicked out of my sorority for not upholding my responsibilities, but whatever I guess. I’ll just not have friends and live like Cho Cho Win over there studying all by himself. I mean, I guess that’s the life this school wants for its students apparently. But whatever.
Burns said he’s also dealt with projectile reminders that the world can be a shitty place and sometimes people just do things just to do things while walking past Red Lion on Friday nights where he was once reminded that the shirt he was wearing “makes him look like a little f*****.” “Sometimes it’s a drunk guy at a bar, sometimes it’s just the way someone looks at you while you’re walking to class,” Burns said of the frequent callbacks to why issues like racism, sexism and bigotry have existed throughout human history. “Even this one dude at Wendy’s who cut me in line somehow raised the everburning question in my mind: Why?”
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Checking Out the
New UGL Carpet Upgrade Winnie Bago Wrote This When the Undergraduate Library announced it was getting new carpet, students nodded in approval and moved on to get their coffee at Espresso Royale. Little did everyone know that the carpet would be so much more than just another thing to walk over every day. A sweetheart back home is someone to use and walk all over. The new UGL carpet is something to cherish and respect. Gail MacDonald, UGL supervisor of the planning and installation of the new carpet, was bursting at the seams about the new carpet’s amenities. She literally jumped up and down and clapped her hands about it. “You are going to die when you find out everything this carpet can do,” MacDonald exclaimed, hopping up and down on the new threads. “This ain’t your grandma’s carpet.” MacDonald said her favorite feature is that the carpet is scented, having been installed with a scratch-and-sniff system. “The soles of your shoes shuffling along the carpet won’t set off the scent,” MacDonald explained. “Instead, you have to be old fashioned, bend over with your rear in the air, scratch with your finger nail, and take a big whiff.” Her coworker, Bob, interrupted to say MacDonald just had to tell the joke the UGL staff came up with. MacDonald complied and continued, “How do you drown a blonde at the ARC? You put a scratch-and-sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool. How do you suffocate a blonde with carpet? You put a scratch-and-sniff system in the carpet and let a stampede trample her when the library announces they brought in therapy dogs for finals week.” Bob keeled over laughing. MacDonald and her design team wanted to hit all the senses of people who visit the UGL. For example, a note of “Oskee Wow Wow” plays each time you take a step on the carpet. “I need to hear another note of ‘Oskee Wow Wow’ like I need a dildo in the ass,” Kyle Farrroway,
UGL student employee, said. “I don’t.” The carpet design team took into consideration complaints about the UGL, including one that the library feels like “Satan’s redhot asshole” when the heaters are turned on for the first time. “We’ve had to implement a ‘no shirt, no deodorant, no study space’ policy when it gets toasty in here,” MacDonald said. Also, when students tap their feet on the floor three times, vents open up on the floor and a fan blows cold air up on students, annoyingly blowing their hair in front of their face. “It’s like the Wizard of Oz, except now there’s no place like the library,” MacDonald smirked. Kyle rolled his eyes and put his earbuds back in. The innovative features don’t stop with the carpet. You can now reserve a special all-nighter chair that connects to your spinal cord and injects caffeine in 15-minute intervals. “We agreed to a merger with the UGL to supply the caffeine,” Amy Schumaker, manager at the Espresso Royale in the UGL, said. “We might expand by having the chairs force feed overpriced croissants down people’s throats to keep them from getting too shaky from all the caffeine.” The UGL staff has its own method of keeping the library from being filled with a hundred Michael J. Foxes. They ’re
expanding the Ask-a-Librarian service. Simply send them the message “S.O.S.” if you need a CLIF energy bar, back massage or note of encouragement. But some of the features were simply designed to screw with people. Kyle came up with the idea to install sensors in the floor by the printers that determine exactly how unresponsive printers will be based on the intensity of your passive aggressiveness with the printer. Other features were installed for security and safety reasons. Arrows along the floor now light up aisles to lead you to the nearest bathroom when you get all turned around in the square-shaped library. The carpet can also detect if you are in the library and have an overdue item. A giant claw will emerge from the ceiling and drop you in a holding cell until your roommate brings you some of your laundry money to pay the fine. To enforce the no-food policy (except for the snacks provided by the Ask-a-Librarian service), a net will scoop you up if you drop a crumb on the floor. You’ll be released when a security cop cuts you free and confiscates your heavily-sauced-up footlong from Subway. “Carpet has never meant more to college students,” MacDonald reflected. “I can’t wait for everyone to experience it.”
REAL TALK
THE TOP TEN Ways to Make Friends in Class Making friends is tough, but when you follow these steps we put together it’s almost guaranteed you’ll have everyone’s attention. Whether they’re laughing with you or laughing at you, talking with you or talking about you, there’s one thing you can count on for sure: Your new classmates will know who you are. 10.) Hold hands with your neighbor for the entire lecture: While their resistance may be particularly awkward, never let them slip away. This form of physical intimacy may be uncommon in Western cultures, but Asia and Africa seem to be rocking it with style. If necessary, bring handcuffs to class to truly show your soon-to-be friend that you’re in it for the long haul. 9.) Give unsolicited, brutally honest advice to everyone in your vicinity: Trust is a big part of friendship. By proving to your neighbors that you’re not afraid to lay down the cold, hard truth, they’ll instantly respect you. Don’t be surprised if some of your new friends take offense to your advice; they’re just not familiar with that level of honesty. Once you break their spirits, they’ll readily accept your friendship. 8.) Bring donuts to class, complain to your neighbor that there are holes in them: Jokes and breakfast pastries? You’re the whole package! Even if your funny falls flat, no sane person can deny the deliciousness of a Krispy Kreme. You’ll find yourself surrounded by a fattened posse in no time.
4 College Courses That Would Actually be Useful Katie Got Bandz Wrote This Out of the dozens of classes that students take during their collegiate careers, it’s guaranteed that not all the information learnt will be retained. No one will memorize the phases of the moon from the Intro to Astronomy class they took freshman year, nor all the Greek gods from Mythology 100. There are far more practical issues to cover during college than the Periodic Table, and if some of these classes were taught, it’s safe to assume that knowledge would last a lifetime. How To Be Lazy and Still Get an A 101: Every college student knows how important relaxation time and Netflix binge sessions are, so this class would be crucial to teach students the proper balance between doing their homework and watching House of Cards. For the more advanced slacker, How To Do Nothing for the Group Project Without Your Group Members Hating You 201 should be offered, so that students can learn the proper ways of shirking their duties while making it look like they’re doing something of value. How to Handle Yourself When You’re Drunk 101: Those cute little freshmen would learn the correct way to conduct themselves while intoxicated, without the menacing stares and comments made by all the upperclassmen who are annoyed as shit at the bar – yes, we saw you take two whole shots, congrats! This class could also hold a lab section, where students learn how to properly clean up puke, and what the perfect alcohol-to-drunk food ratio is (hint: 1 Fat Sandwich = 1 night out).
How to Get Your One Night Stand to GTFO 101: If the aforementioned class allows freshmen to learn how to behave themselves properly while they’re drunk, they may be lucky enough to meet someone to go home with that night; however, what they won’t know is how to get that person to leave the next day, which is where this course comes into play. If students learned the proper way to word excuses such as “I have a lot to do today,” or just simply “GET OUT,” they would save themselves from extremely awkward situations. Extra credit goes to anyone who can do it without being a total dick. Dealing With Your Freshman 15 102: Another issue that many students come across during their first year is the inevitable Freshman 15. No one thinks it will happen to them, but when it does, everyone wishes they changed something about their diet and exercise routine (or lack thereof ) – perhaps not eating along with every hour of television on the Food Network. Students would greatly benefit from a health class that taught them how to eat and drink what they want, without doing any exercise or eating healthy foods. All they would need to learn is that drinking beer is enough to sustain life. It fills you up, it has calories and carbohydrates for energy, and as long as freshmen learn that crucial information, they should stay slim following the strict all-beer diet. With knowledge from classes like these, any college student can succeed not only at school, but at life in general. It’s important to remember that not everything in life can be taught in a classroom, but if it can be, then you might as well get college credit for it.
7.) Rest your head on your neighbor’s shoulder: We all need that friend to lean on when the stresses of syllabus week become unbearable. Initiating a trusting relationship with a complete stranger is entirely normal. The more you make them feel important, the more they will depend on you for self-confidence! 6.) Stalk your lab partner to their next class: Your creepy dedication will be rewarded once you become totally in sync with your partner. With identical schedules and matching clothes, he/she won’t be able to ignore your devotion to true friendship. Just think of that restraining order as a declaration of your friendship. 5.) Be a “bro”: We all secretly love the mirror flex and watching you get your pump on with the course textbook, so wear those super deep v-necks and start referring to your professor as “dude.” Because even though you disgust us on the outside, we’ll always have a beer-soaked soft spot for you on the inside. 4.) Twerk your way to your seat: Instead of debating whether to scoot in the row ass or naughty parts facing others, you know what to do with that big fat butt… take it to the next level by shaking your donk all the way to your seat! Like Miley Cyrus, you’ll turn heads with your raunchy moves and drum up a whole new fan base overnight. 3.) Take a selfie with your neighbor: Nothing says friendship like mutual narcissism. No one can say no to a selfie and various facial expressions will prove to your Facebook friends (and your neighbor) just how close you two have grown over the past fifty minutes. If you whip out a selfie stick, you’re guaranteed to befriend the entire lecture hall. 2.) Speak with an Australian accent: Sexy, enchanting, enticing. What more can you look for in a friend? You’ll instantly gain the admiration of the entire class and may find more than just friends – if you know what we mean. While effective, this method requires a semester-long commitment, at least. 1.) Sit right next to someone in an empty lecture hall: With the pick of any seat at your fingertips, choosing a seat next to the only other person shows true intent for friendship. Once situated, make sure to snuggle your arm in to share the armrest with them as well. It may be a tight fit but they’ll soon realize you all are meant to be the best of friends in a 100-level gen- ed lecture.
Sammie Sea Wrote This
09
Illini Football Team Set to Play Another Season of Football Who Cares? Wrote This According to the Fighting Illini website, the Illini football team appears to be embarking on yet another season in which they will be playing the game of football. Since its inception in 1890, this will be the team’s 124th consecutive year playing the sport for the school, a feat that has surprised next to no one at all. This confirms earlier reports this year that predicted that the football team would indeed play a 20142015 season. This Saturday on August 30, the Illini football team will play their first game at U of I’s own Memorial Stadium against Youngstown State, which appears to be a school that sports a penguin named “Peter” as their mascot. College sports analysts predict that, from a mascot perspective, Youngstown State is looking to have the upper hand in Saturday’s game, since their mascot actually exists. From a points perspective, the Illini football team could either win or lose. “It’s a tough call, but that’s just the game of football, you know?” said one Champaign analyst as he finished calculations on his abacus. “If Illinois manages to score more points than Youngstown State, they might actually have a shot at winning their first game of the season, I think. However, should they score less than the opposing team, it’s likely that they’ll lose the game. Who knows? But something will happen.” A loss for Illinois’ football team would be devastating,
making it the 514th time that it’s happened in the school’s history, according to Wikipedia. Still, with all the mumbo-jumbo sports talk going around, both players and fans are excited to bust out the pigskin—a colloquialism for a football, which is made out of leather—and play the All-American sport whose namesake confuses nine out of ten Europeans. “I’m just really excited to throw that football, you know?” commented starting quarterback Wes Lunt. “Like, we really want to score points against the other team, so throwing the football is integral to some of the key strategies in our playbook this year.” Lunt also mentioned that he was looking forward to his friends on the offensive line to protect him from getting tackled. “Getting tackled in football is really bad,” Lunt cautiously warned. “You don’t want to get tackled.” Fans also share Lunt’s emotions about the Illini football players getting tackled during this season. “People getting tackled on our team would be the absolute worst!” worried a junior year season ticket holder. “I think I can speak on behalf for the rest of the fans out there that what we all really want is for our football team to win.” The fans’ collective desire for their football team to win checks out thanks to a recent study conducted by researchers at UCLA confirming that, statistically speak-
ing, fans are more likely to want to see their favorite teams win rather than lose. Even outside of the players and fans, the pressure is perhaps felt most by Illini football’s head coach, Tim Beckman, who could lose his job if he calls the plays that lead to another losing season.
“When it comes to coaching football, it’s all about making sure your team is made up of better football players than the other team,” advised Beckman through his online gaming headset. “If Youngstown State is out there reading this, you’d better look out, because we really want to win this one.”
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs $2 Jager Bombs
SATURDAY: WELCOME BACK THROWBACK! 90’s Night with Music Videos on the Big Screen Hosted by DJ Tim Williams NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi
SATURDAY! 10pm, Bailalai Local Brazilian funk/reggae
Saturday: GAMEDAY - Open at 8am! Serving Breakfast! Firehaus Customers take our FREE SHUTTLE to the Game! Watch all the games here!
Wednesday 8/27
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $1 Cherry Bombs/OBombs, $2 Jager Bombs
Rhythm & Rhyme Hip Hop Showcase feat. UPSIDE, GRANT FLOWS, KLEVAH and More! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
$2 HOT STUFF $2 LONG ISLANDS (3 FLAVORS)
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
KARAOKE NIGHT! Starts at 10pm $1 Specialty SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
Thursday 8/28
$1 Wells, $2 Fireball, $2 UV Vodka $2 PBR, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
CU Rock Showcase featuring ABNORMOUS, DECADENTS and OLD FOX ROAD NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
Throwback Thursdays! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV Vodka
9:30pm Thundertruck 10:30pm Bookmobile 11:30pm Resinater
$1 WELLS featuring UV NO COVER! $1 TACO’S 4pm10pm, $2 Bud Light Drafts College Football Kickoff Games All Night Long!
Friday 8/29
$2 Wells $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
Pyramid Productions WELCOME BACK PARTY (A Black & White Affair)
Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi
9:30pm Hathaways 10:30pm Grandkids 11:45pm Elsinore
$3.99 Haus Fries $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam Whiskey $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Bacardi Bombs
Saturday 8/30
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
WELCOME BACK THROWBACK! 90’s Night with Music Videos on the Big Screen Hosted by DJ Tim Williams NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
Gameday! Open all day! $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $5 Patron Shots
10pm, Bailalai Local Brazilian funk/reggae
GAMEDAY - Open at 8am Serving Breakfast! Firehaus Customers take our FREE SHUTTLE to the Game! Watch all the games here!
Book your next party of event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
$2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut
Pop Culture Trivia 7:30pm $1 Bud Drafts, $2 Long Islands $1 Silver Tequila Shots $3 Goose Island Drafts CFB: Miami vs Louisville 7pm
Sunday 8/31
Closed
CLOSED
Monday 9/1
$2 Double Wells $2 Bud light/Budweiser Drafts $5 Bud light/Budweiser Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY featuring UPSIDE, THREADS, BONOBO ALLIANCE and MORE! $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks
$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf
Tuesday 9/2
$2 Wells, $2 Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $1 Cherry Bombs/O-Bombs, $2 Jager Bombs
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE featuring some of C-U’s funniest! $2 Real Long Islands! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 WELLS, $2 BEAM FIRE Shots, $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
$3 Burger & a Bud Light from 8-10pm $2 WELLS & HOT STUFF HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS HALF PRICE BURGERS 4p-10pm
Wednesday 9/3
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $1 Cherry Bombs/OBombs, $2 Jager Bombs
CLOSED
$2 HOT STUFF $2 LONG ISLANDS (3 FLAVORS)
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
KARAOKE NIGHT! Starts at 10pm $1 Specialty SHOTS, $2 Fireball Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
The Bar Grid
DOWNTOWN
KAM'S
SPECIAL NIGHT
MONDAY: $2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
THURSDAY DJ Matrix, 10pm House/Reggae/Hip-Hop
Everyday: $2 PBR Drafts $4 Deer & a Beer (PBR Draft + Shot of Jager)
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
THURSDAY: Senior Night No Cover 21+ Pick a Bud Buckets (5 Bottles for $10), $3 Blue Guys $5 KamIslands (Limit 2) DJ Spydey Spinning Live!
Wednesday 8/27
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Bikini Bartenders! $2 All Bud Family, $2 Fireball Get Ready for the Bikini Contest on 9/24!
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Platinum Wednesday Kickoff! Bud Girls – Win a Bud Cooler & Tent $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $6 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, DJ Delicato Spinning Live!
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
DJ Matrix, 10pm House/Reggae/Hip-Hop
Red, White and BOOM $2 Redd’s Apple Ale $2 Blue Moon $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Senior Night - No Cover 21+ Pick a Bud Buckets (5 Bottles for $10), $3 Blue Guys $5 KamIslands (Limit 2) DJ Spydey Spinning Live!
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$6 Shandy Pitchers $3 Jim Beam Drinks $4 Pinnacle Drinks
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Coors Krush Party 8-9:30pm Everyone gets a Free T-shirt DJ “Delicato” 10pm, $4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans, $2 Drafts, $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Morgan Drinks Free Pint Glass with Cover
Saturday 8/30
Watch the Illini at Guido’s!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunch Box Pitchers $3 American Harvest $3 Captain Morgan Drinks
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs Youngstown St. at 11am, Open 7am, PreGame Party with the Coors Lt 8-11am, $3 22oz Coors Lt. Drafts, $3 Cans, Bloody Mary Bar, $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $4 Jager Mary’s, $4 Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, Free Shuttle to Game, DJ Karol 10pm
Sunday 8/31
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Complete Your ALC Bucket Challenge at Joe’s and We’ll Donate $10 in Your Name! $11 Build-Your-Own Buckets, $6 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
SUNDAY FUNDAY $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Monday 9/1
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinum $2 Smirnoff RBVs
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
MONDAY NITE KAM’S $2 U Call It “Get it All Here”
Tuesday 9/2
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Live from Nashville! Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar” $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks, $2 Fireball & Dr Shots
Wednesday 9/3
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Are You Up For Whatever? Bud Girls – Win a Bud Bud Lt Surprize $2 Platinum $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $6 Lime a Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks DJ Delicato Spinning Live!
Thursday 8/28 Friday 8/29
The New/Old 8th Grade Dance! Book a Party $3 20z Gatorades, $1 Giant Jello or Special Event! Shots, $2 Blue Moons | Keep the Cup Contact us at 217-356-2337 or Night! $4 Logo Glass w/ Any Draft highdive.gm@gmail.com Half Off Drafts w/ Glass
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Bikini Bartenders! $2 All Bud Family, $2 Fireball Get Ready for the Bikini Contest on 9/24!
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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WEDNESDAY! Logo Glass Day!
SATURDAY: GAMEDAY Illinois vs YSU 11am Cracked Truck at Lion starting at Noon
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
SATURDAY! $3 U Call It! Brunch from 11am-3pm
Logo Glass Day!
$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop
$2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $3 ALUMINUM BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $5 MONSTER SHACKERS
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$3 Drafts of Goose Island Family
GAMEDAY Illinois vs YSU 11am Cracked Truck at Lion starting at Noon
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 U Call It! Brunch from 11am-3pm
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
$4 Well Doubles
$2 LONG ISLANDS
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11 am–3 pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale.
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30 Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
$3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Logo Glass Day!
$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
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PARTY PICS
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ON THE STREETS What’s the most regrettable thing you’ve done since you’ve been back at school?
Morgan, Sophomore
“Going to Quad Day.”
Dope Dick, Senior
“Freezing Champaign over.”
Chloe, Sophomore
“Cheating my vegan diet and having 3 cookies at work.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
SAM TWO of WHITE HORSE
Relationship Status: Getting hitched Major: Communication Favorite Drink: John Daly Favorite Shot: Breakfast Bomb Disgusting Drink: Malort What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Brass Fiddle How do you make it?: Whiskey, peach schnapps, pineapple juice, and orange juice, topped with grenadine If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Jack Daniels, because when it splashes, it tastes good. Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Eagle and bear, because America. Where have those hands been, missy?: Wouldn’t you like to know? ;) Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: High-waisted shorts, because when worn incorrectly you want to light them on fire. What old-timely slangword do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Groovy” What sex position describes the current geopolitical landscape?: Doggy style, because too many countries are bending over and taking it in the ass. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it.
THE DRINKING GAME SLURRED SYLLABUS It may be time to start school again...but in the same breath, it’s always time to tackle a handle of whiskey on your own. Everyone and their mother knows you’re never going to read your syllabus until you need to prove your professor wrong, so we thought you could use some motivation. Saddle up for what’s left of Syllabus Week with us and take a whack at our syllabus challenge: What You’ll Need: A copy of your syllabus (c’mon, you can find it!), and a handle of whiskey. Number of Players: Just yourself, brother. Level of Intoxication: Enough to turn Syllabus Week into Syllabus Month. How to Play: This game is short, but it requires you to go all-in. You’ll need to read through your syllabus and take a stiff drink every time one of the following things happens. Drink When: - One of your required texts cost more money than you make in a semester. - You finally muster up the courage to buy a book for class and find out it’s the wrong edi-
tion. - Your professor’s name has no vowels. - You have to look up the building where your class is, fully knowing you’ll never see the inside anyway. - You read about the university’s cheating policy and briefly consider morals before concluding: “Fuck it.” - The professor requires you to attend every lecture and discussion section, despite how many Irish car-bombs you did with that fat homeless dude outside of the bar. - You try to count how many assignments you have throughout the semester for each class when your eyes roll back into your head, and somehow you end up on YouTube watching replays from the VMAs and you’re back to square one. *Drink in Celebration and You Win the Game If: You get lucky as SHIT and all of your midterms are “take-home tests.” THERE IS A GOD. The Game Ends When: You finally blossom into the true alcoholic you are and must drop out of the university to get some help.
KP of JOE’S
Relationship Status: Single Major: Math Favorite Drink: Anything Korte pours Favorite Shot: Jägerbombs Disgusting Drink: White Russian What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: Adios Motherfucker How do you make it?: Rum, vodka, gin, tequila, Blue Curaçao, Sprite If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Tequila, because body shots all the way down. Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: Tiger and dolphin, because the tiger is aggressive and dolphins have sex for pleasure. Where have those hands been, missy?: Where haven’t they been? Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Pants. #nobottoms. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Gee willikers” What sex position describes the current geopolitical landscape?: Anal, because everyone is getting fucked in the ass. Why should people read The Black Sheep: You get to hear about awesome people like me.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER THE “OH S***, I FORGOT HOW TO COOK” STIR-FRY Welcome back to school! You’ve spent the past three months receiving home-cooked meals from mommy and daddy, but now it’s time to get a nice, fresh slap in the face from reality: It’s time to start cooking for yourself again. This is always a difficult transition for any college student, but we’re here to help with some homemade stir fry. What You’ll Need: WHATEVER IS EDIBLE AND WITHIN 20 FEET. What We Used: 2 packages of ramen noodles, ½ lbs. of ground beef, 2 cups of rice, all the broccoli from a Hungry-Man TV Dinner. Fatty Factor: Write your will now, who knows if you’ll make it out of this one alive. Let’s Get Baked: - Start by heating up your stove-top pan. - Once you realized you forgot to defrost the meat, put a large cup of water in the microwave for two minutes and place the meat inside the cup to defrost within minutes. Problem solved. - Take your half-cooked meat and flop it on your lukewarm pan. Let it simmer for about six minutes. - MULTI-TASK: Cook your rice in the microwave (you can even use the same cup of water to save
time) while your meat cooks on the stove. - You’ll want to begin cooking your ramen noodles in a pot next to your pan. Let the noodles boil for about three minutes and then drain the water from the noodles. - Using the same pot, put your broccoli from your Hungry-Man box in and boil until cooked to a desirable texture. - By this point your meat should be done on the stove-top, place everything in a bowl and stir wildly with a large spoon. - You’ll want to dump as much salt on this as possible. It will both protect you from any errors in cooking by masking the taste, as well as soaking up any extra water that may have not been fully drained. - Before you eat, make sure there’s someone to supervise you while you consume your dinner. You may need someone there to call 9-1-1. Without mom and dad around, things can get pretty tough. But with cooking tips like these, you’ll find it easy to fend for yourself without your parents guiding hand. Just remember: Cooking’s not difficult, it’s all about your perspective on the final product.
BOOZE REVIEW Burnett’s Sour Apple Vodka Grade: F+
For those of you going on your second, third, fourth, or fifth years of college… save your breath. We know that reviewing anything sporting the “Burnett’s” seal of disapproval is like a communications major’s course load; it’s way too embarrassingly easy. But, in the spirit of the hundreds of freshmen on campus who will start making the biggest mistakes of their lives during Syllabus Week, we figured we’d cover the vodka that will likely be the cause of said mistakes. Let this review go on record as forever synonymous with the response: “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.” Smells Like: If anyone at The Black Sheep knew what highly acidic and volatile chemicals smelt like, we’d probably go with that. So, a 50s b-movie science experiment gone awry… but with the faintest hint of nobody’s favorite apple. Tastes Like: You know how the witch in Snow White tricks the titular damsel into eating a poison apple? We’re pretty sure not even a true love’s kiss could wake anyone up after downing this poisonous apple bile. Typical Drinkers: People who seriously don’t give a fuck (like, “zero fucks given,” but in a bad way), people given the cruelest of drinking dares, freshmen easily persuaded by pictures of fruit plastered on plastic liquor bottles, the regular Burnett’s aficionado (if you like one, you unfortunately like ‘em all).
Tex Mex Wrote This
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User Comments: “N-no… it’s OK… let’s just go get more liquor
instead. I’ll even pay for it, honestly.” “The inside of my churning stomach feels like the tenth circle of Hell right now.” “I just graduated last semester… this shouldn’t happen post-22.” “DRINK UP, PUSSIES. COTTON CANDY FLAVORED IS NEXT.” Best Described as an Outdated Historical Hyperbole: Not even a Prohibition-era moonshine enthusiast would dare guzzle down this brand of Satan’s eternally damned urine. What the Ghost of Christmas Present Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Wow. The Ghost of Christmas Future is gonna have a field day when he shows you how this one turns out.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Habanero peppers, Blazin’ Wings from Buffalo Wild Wings, a cheese grater… pretty much anything to get your mouth coated with something far more tolerable. You’ll Like This if You Like: The idea of sadomasochism, but without the icky nudie and skin-tight leather parts. We Mixed it With: Nothing, sadly. But then again, not even a thousand gallons of 7-Up could make a difference here.
THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN
GO HOME SuburbanEXpress
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Freshman Journalism Major Still Trying to Awaken from Northwestern Rejection Nightmare Tex Mex Wrote This
Earlier this week during a MDIA 100 orientation lecture for new students in the College of Media, freshman journalism major Ronald Quinn was seen bursting out of the doors of Greg Hall and into oncoming traffic on Wright Street screaming, “WAKE UP, OH GOD, PLEASE WAKE UP.” When campus police interrogated the student regarding his breakdown, Quinn revealed that he still hasn’t awoken from his ongoing nightmare of getting rejected by his dream school, Northwestern University. “The dream police in this hell-hole of a nightmare thought I was crazy when I told them I haven’t woken up in four months,” said a frazzled Quinn, who insisted on referring to us as projections of his sleepdwelling psychosis. “I’ve literally been trapped inside of the same nightmare ever since the dream mailman delivered my dream rejection letter in the mail. My parents have to be worried sick, because I’ve probably been tossing around and screaming in my sleep ever since April!” Quinn, who applied to U of I as his safety school on the highly unlikely chance that he would get rejected from Northwestern,
has spent every day of his first semester so far trying to find ways to bring him out of the nightmare world and back to his reality – the one where he rightfully gets accepted into Northwestern. “You see, the tricky part about this nightmare is that it’s very convincing,” Quinn told us as he attempted to pluck the rest of his hairs off of his right arm. “I’ve done every trick in the book from splashing water on my face, to pinching myself, to kissing girls I would never land in a million years… and yet I’m still asleep! I always thought lucid dreams were kind of cool, but this is the most maniacal of all tortures.” Forced to deal with the hellishly dimwitted dream projections of public university students, Quinn admitted that the worst part of the nightmare has been imaginarily holding conversations with people who scored lower on their ACT composite score as him. Quinn, achieving a composite score of 31, has had the misfortune of interacting with dream manifestations who mostly average out between a 25 to 29 composite. “Oh, God, having to subconsciously attend that dreadful MDIA 100 class is the absolute
worst,” groaned Quinn. “Like, there’s this girl who I sit next to who said she was the Arts & Entertainment Editor for her high school paper. I WAS THE GODDAMNED EDITOR-INCHIEF AT MINE. I seriously think I’m going to wake up as dumb as these nightmare mirages I deal with on a dream daily basis.” Adding insult to injury, Quinn also reported that most of his paranoia and general emotional unrest comes from his worst metaphorical nightmares of people from his high school finding out that he actually didn’t get into Northwestern, despite him assuring everyone that he was “a shoein.” The fact that Quinn has received and fearfully ignored several messages on Facebook asking, “Hey, I thought you were going to Northwestern?” makes him optimistically glad that this isn’t happening in real life. Surprisingly, reports are surfacing that Quinn isn’t the only student perpetually trapped inside of a terrible nightmare. Another student, Rebecca Chalmers, tried to vortex her way out of her nightmare of getting rejected from University of Southern California by arranging her
collection of Quad Day pencils in the shape of a pentagram on her desk after sacrificing a dream squirrel. Richard Summers, a cinema studies student in the same class, attempted to dig himself out of his Columbia University rejection nightmare via the Morrow Plots. For now, Quinn and the rest of these poor students in stupors have to face the fact that there’s no telling when they’ll be able
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to snap back into reality. “Well, in the case that I really am in the horrific comatose state that I feared I was in, I should probably start getting used to it,” said a deafened Quinn after putting a stethoscope to the Altgeld bell in hopes of creating a makeshift alarm clock. “As much as it kills me to say it, it’s looking like this nightmare is going to be my false reality for a long time.”
What Does Your Tailgating Beverage
Say About You? By: Brendan With the college football season finally here, college students the country over will be setting up folding tables, collapsible pavilions, and coolers of ice-cold drinks to tailgate before they take in an amazing victory against formidable opponents or a shameful defeat against some guys who totally cheated. But, most importantly, there will be drinks. So many drinks. Drinks of all varieties, colors and flavors. So, what do you drink when you’re tailgating, and more importantly, what does that say about you?
Tailgating Beverages
Drink: Keystone Light
Drink: Budweiser
Class of Crap: The Cheapest Generic Cans Around
Class of Crap: Dad’s Coming to Visit, and He’s Bringing His Friend Bud
Generic Personality Stereotype: Standard College Student Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Then my mom was like, ‘Justin, you have to get a job if you’re going to be spending all of this money going out each week, your father and I can’t afford all of this, he sold that Corvette for you to go here and that was his prized possession.’ I was all, ‘but mom, I’m taking 16 credit hours this semester, and then I’m the treasurer of my frat and if I’m studying too that’s another 16 hours a week—total lie, by the way—and that’s like 40 hours. If college is preparing me for working in the real world shouldn’t I be working like 40 hours a week, LIKE I AM, MOM?’ She cried a little bit, but hey, afterward she put $200 into my account and yeah, that’s how I got this case.”
Generic Personality Stereotype: Football Fanatic Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Yeah, I went to my first game here back in ’97 when we were ranked and we had those national title hopes. Dad brought me when mom was still around. Now that he lives out of state these games are a real bonding session for us. He let me have my first beer here when I was twelve as long as I promised not to tell mom that he’d let me do it. It bums me out sometimes when he brings his new wife Karen and it’s less of a him-and-me thing, but he’ll always bring a case of the good stuff so we can drink and talk about the old times and stuff. Karen doesn’t understand a lot of those stories, but she’s deaf in one ear from spending all that time on the road with Def Leppard, so maybe she just doesn’t hear the good parts.”
Drink: Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA
Drink: Yellowtail Shiraz
Class of Crap: What Are We Even Doing at This Game, Liam?
Class of Crap: High-Octane Fun Juice
Generic Personality Stereotype: Prefers European Football
Generic Personality Stereotype: Sorority Super-Senior
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “And this is just something most university kids over here do, right? That’s neat, I guess. Back overseas we do a similar thing with our football—hah, you chaps have it all wrong, you know that right?—but it’s all about club stuff. We’ll get pretty on the piss and just holler at the other fans until we’re hoarse. You guys, we saw a kid with, Liam, what is it called, a ‘beer bong?’ A novelty, certainly. The guy doing it, though, he spit out half of his beer! This one, this beer was $4 just for a single one, but I do suppose that entire 30-pack of beer was something like, $12, aye?”
Drink: Whiskey and Coke Class of Crap: Beer is Gross, but Drinking Outside is Fun. Generic Personality Stereotype: Yet-to-be-Indoctrinated Freshman Thirty Seconds With this Person: “College, bro! College! Can you believe this shit? Like, I haven’t talked to my parents in two weeks and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and that kid over there is drinking in public and it’s like, HOLY CRAP! Don’t tell anyone, but there’s some Jack in this Coke—my roommate’s older sister got it for us. I figured, man, beer is way too bitter for me and I wanna keep this buzz I got on the DL in case the cops come by. Brian’s around here somewhere with an empty water bottle filled with the rest of our bottle, we’re gonna try to sneak it into the game so we can keep drinking. Can you believe this? THIS IS COLLEGE-- I LOVE COLLEGE.”
Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Seeing all those little froshies rushing was just like, ‘hand over the red and the white,’ you know? They were so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and I’m walking in the back door of the house five minutes late reeking of Marlboro Lights and Kevin’s body wash. Another year of that shit, so when this tailgate came up I was like, ‘Yes, get me out of that world for like, fifteen minutes.’ Actually, I’m pretty done with this whole college thing—I wish I woulda just come in as a comm. major, but my parents really pushed me to do pre-med and now all I really know is that I better get a job in New York, or the cirrhosis of this liver is happening sooner rather than later.”
Drink: Smirnoff Iced Cake Class of Crap: Who Cares About the Game? Generic Personality Stereotype: Shit-Show Showoff Thirty Seconds With this Person: “Listen, I don’t want to throw up now, but I definitely plan on throwing up later. Hey, wait is that Brianna over there? Hold on a sec—Brianna…BRIANNA! HEY BETCH HOW YOU DOIN’? Wanna take a pull of this Smirnoff? No? You’re good? Ok, but I’m gonna do one real quick here. ::takes huge pull:: Anyway, yeah, I mean what’s the point of getting up at 7:30a.m. if I can’t just get a quick vom sesh in, bomb out during this boring-as-hell game, then do it all again later, right? ::burps:: Ew, that one was a little pukey, doesn’t mix with cake at all. Who are we playing today, the Touchdowns or something?”
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the FAKE FOOTBALL FAN madlib Hey, can you believe the footballing season is here? This year I hear the __1__ are going to definitely win the __2__Group. What with the __3__ and __4__ and whatnot! Heck, I even heard __5__decided to make __6__better by giving it new grass and everything. Boy, it’s really neat when the players get knocked over by other plays and then a player gets a grass stain on his uniform. His mom must get real mad. Moms still wash their sons’ uniforms, right? And the tailgating, oh the tailgating! My __7__ used to take me to one when I was young—I can’t wait to eat one __8__, maybe two! I mean, I might drink a __9__, but I don’t think __10__’ campus police would look very favorably on that, plus I want to remember when __11__gets the game-winning score on a __12__. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m actually secretly a __13__ fan. This whole football thing is just so primal, you know? My __14__ played football for a few years—he was a real good __15__, but you should see his __16__ these days, it’s a real disaster. Kind of turned me off to the sport. Hey do you know anything about __17__? Where ya going? I—I wanted to talk to you about how well __18__is going to do against the__19__ this year. I bet there’s all sorts of goals he’s going to get! Football season’s here, everyone!
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CLUE BANK 1) Your school’s nickname 2) Your conference, minus “Conference” 3) Football action 4) Football action 5) Head coach 6) Stadium name 7) Family member 8) Tailgating food 9) Alcoholic drink 10) Your school 11) Quarterback’s name 12) Basketball play 13) Non-football sport 14) Relative 15) Football position 16) Body part 17) Arts and craft 18) Favorite player 19) Rival team