Illinois Fall Issue 3 - 9/5/12 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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EE un ... L de ike rn th ea e c th he yo we ur d de gu sk m !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 2 9/5/12 - 9/12/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

U of I Determined

to hold onto #4 party ranking aaron toch wrote this

After allegations about U of I’s law school sent it into a downward spiral on the ranking board, executives of the university were not about to let it happen again. Changes that booted both former President Mike Hogan and his lapdog, Lisa Troyer, from the system were meant to bring about a new era of honesty, respect, and ranking accumulation that had previously been unseen. This era started ecstatically when the Princeton Review announced that Illinois had achieved the ranking of fourth best party school in the nation, making it the highest rank Illinois earned in any category. “Let me say that I am proud of my students, first and foremost. Their dedication to destroying their livers, emptying their wallets, and spending the time that they paid so much to be studying on alcohol really says a lot about the lengths they went to earn us this glorious recognition,” President Robert Easter said. Easter, the man selected to erase the grime of Hogan, has been waiting for the moment when the university showed any signs of exceptionality. Although he hoped it would be in something like journalism or biology, he will accept the party school status and work diligently to maintain that glorious honor. “I’ve consulted my researchers, and we’ve come up with a three point plan to get to number one by the start of next year. After the law school gave everyone the bird last year, it’s important to give our student body something, fucking anything, to hold on to.” The first point of this plan? Acclimate the engineers. Known to feature a supporting cast from Asian countries, notably China, Easter is excited for the chance to introduce them to the wonderful art of alcoholic indulgence. “Chinese students are brilliant, kind, and have a wonderful work ethic. This is why we must work extra hard to get them to focus on Vegas Bombs and bong rips to the dome.”

Your iCard Wants Out

To go about improving this now immediate character flaw, drastic overhauls to the campus where foreign students populate have to be made. First on the list is Grainger Engineering Library. As many foreign students invest their time in studying physics and calculus, no better way exists to reach them than turning their library into a fraternity house. Plans to renovate Grainger Library into a fraternity are in their initial stages. To aid in the construction of this enormous frat house, Easter sought the council of Goose, a renowned partier and self-proclaimed “poon-slayer.” “Yo, if you want to have a successful party, you gotta have bitches. And how do you get bitches? Blow. I think

what’s inside

the truth behind the pep

You said you'd never leave it, but now it wants to leave you.

Through the clenched teeth smiles, sorority girls show their house's true colors.

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this Grainger place needs to have awesome bathrooms for the bitches to do blow in and then a big, comfy bed for me to ‘typhoon that poon!’” Goose said in a conference concerning the layout of Grainger, with the last phrase being emphasized by raising two shockers in the air. “After conferring with Mr. Goose, we learned that the engineering quad is not the ideal location for a frat, due to the fact that the engineering major is mostly dominated by men. However, he insists that if we purchase a PA system with ‘real ballsy bass’ and some stripper poles for the fraternity house then we will be sure to be ‘swimming in dimes,’” Easter said at the same conference. continued on page 19

The Girl With the Anal Tattoo Mystery, intrigue, and some butt tattoos.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 7: Pregnancy Scares: A Near-Near Death ExperienceOne's After a baby-inducing banger, don't forget about the coat hanger.

page 9: The Sad, Isolated Life of Ryan Weber, Daily Illini Editor Hey, he just doesn't get why he should travel outside of his apartment.

page 9

page 16: bartenders of the week

You can meet them at The Silver Bullet, or on the roof of Krannert.

Table of

page 17: The Booze Review: Smirnoff Kissed Caramel

We didn't know a liver could get diabetes.

page 18: the top ten:

Best Things to Steal From Parties

page 21: bros, hoes, and like a million furry boots!

the people we met at the north coast music festival.

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Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Sean Lyman, Pat Hamill

owner Atish Doshi

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Editor Man, I’m looking for a nice outdoor fountain for my garden. I want it to look nice, but not too flashy. I’m willing to spend upwards of $2,000 to get a good one. I’m not sure if this is the kind of thing your publication deals with, but every time I ask the Internet for help they call me a gay, and I have nowhere else to turn. Sincerely, Flabbergasted! Dear kind sir, The first thing you must ask yourself is: are you a granite man, or are you a marble man? A bright granite fountain can provide a wonderful counterbalance to your garden’s color palette. The rustic, stony finish on most granite fountains provides an olden Anglo-Saxon feel to your garden. For instance, I have observed some interesting and tasteful uses of granite that can give a garden the illusion of being centuries old, like prancing through the garden of, say, King Harold Godwin or, dare I say, one of the many old gardens of Edward the Elder (just don’t tell anyone I told you that!). If you decide to go the marble route, your garden will be provided a little splash of Italian Renaissance. However, while marble fountains can be quite tickling in their intricacy, I think one might be a bit too flashy for you, if you do insist on going the quaint route. Because of this, I do believe that a nice granite monument in your garden would be quite divine. When it comes to the design of the fountain, including possibilities of three tier monuments, basins, and millstones among others, I will leave that to you, good sir, the artist. Sincerely, Mr. Benson

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word of the week Blognosis:

Any self-categorized illness one gives him or herself after researching symptoms of diseases on the internet.

“Toby gave himself a spinal meningitis blognosis after researching neck pain on WebMD.”

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How to Scare those pesky Girls from your Parties Mad max wrote this Fraternity rush is a beautiful thing. It’s a special time when Greeks and GDIs can all come together to drink senselessly and not have to pay for it. There is one distinct problem we all face, however, too many girls. Now, the idea of “too many girls” doesn’t make much sense, but think about it this way: Fraternity rush is synonymous with free alcohol. While free alcohol is a great thing, it can sometimes attract some unwanted guests, in this case being droves of self-entitled freshman girls who just go to frats for free beer. Frat guys have feelings too. For years I have witnessed this travesty when all I’m looking for is a beer bong or two with my buddies. No more! Guys, when you see the storm of short skirts coming, it’s time for a wardrobe change. Yes, that necklace and vneck combination is boss status, but hear us out. Put on the shortest and tightest pair of pants you have. We’re talking running shorts from the eighties. Make sure to wear them higher than your bellybutton for maximum effect. That wicked tan line from lifeguarding over the summer should catch one of the lasers from the light show, horrifying the nearest freshman girl who is trying to find some guy to walk her home. Don’t be dissuaded if some of the girls linger even after a few high school locker room-appropriate butt slaps don’t scare them away. If anything, they’ll think you’re trying to hit on them. Turn the weirdness up a notch. Drug use. Hard drug use. Whatever you do, don’t overdose. Jim Morrison did it, and now he’s more popular

among annoying teenage girls than he ever was alive. Death by partying is pretty bro and will definitely cause a scene. This casualty will draw an even larger crowd of females who will cry out on how they never got that chance to sleep in your bed. There is one option left, and it’s the only fail-safe plan. Run out of booze. Next time the party you’re at runs out of Keystone, start a stopwatch and observe. It will take less than fifteen minutes for everyone to filter out the door, and the delay is because it takes a little time for the tragic news to spread around the room, and for every drunken girl to crawl out of the bathroom to find her friends. There is a strategy to this. One cannot simply lock away the Keystone in some room or vault. Hiding it will only delay people from finding it. Give any senior three paperclips and a chainsaw, and they’ll be through that lock in no time, while wondering why they were given the paperclips in the first place. Pouring beer down the sink is just cruel. For every beer you drink, dump one on your buddy’s head. Every time someone in heels asks you for one, throw it out the window while yelling, “Fetch!” Soon all the beer will be gone, and the ladies will stroll out with their tails between their legs. But wait, won’t all the bros leave too? Unfortunately yes, and that is why it is a fail-safe. The night was likely doomed from the start, no matter how cool that light

show was. You tried your best to show how uninterested you were by forgetting all their names, but damn were they persistent about asking how you rank up in your house’s FIFA lounge mode. The night was mostly a disaster, but let’s reflect on the few good moments. There was that one game of beer pong undisturbed by the deaf girls who don’t understand the simplicity of keeping their elbows behind the table. Also, we’re all now wearing awesome neon shorts with a half-chubby bulge down the left leg, so we can make an impromptu boner crawl.

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C-U’s largest welcome to Arc week FOAM PARTY! rASSputin wrote this With the ARC being the third largest athletic facility in the entire collegiate world, it’s no surprise that one can find a myriad of people partaking in one of life’s most humbling tasks: Working out. Complete with grunting meatheads and sorority girls wearing makeup while running with two-pound weights, the ARC is the workout home to almost all of the UIUC campus. The Black Sheep is inspired by the diverse community of the ARC, so we spent an entire week observing the fine athletes there. Here are the highlights.

Thursday: Matt learned skinny jeans are not proper workout attire when he cinematically ripped his pants mid-squat. This was followed by a hilarious chain reaction which resulted in him careening backwards, falling onto the floor and losing his glasses. This was followed by a few minutes of him struggling to get off his back while desperately clawing at the air like a frightened turtle. It is reported that he repeatedly called out, “My glasses! I can’t see anything without my glasses!” while everyone quietly pretended not to listen.

Monday: A post-set primal scream by Alfonso (alternatively known as Big Dick Zeke by his frat brothers) resulted in an aggravated hernia and self-defecation in the bottom floor of the ARC. Having prior experiences soiling himself, he smartly put on adult diapers that morning and was able to complete his workout like a “total fucking champ.” In the immortal words of Jon Paul Sigmarsson, “There is no point in being alive if you cannot do the dead-lift.”

Friday: NBA star Kyrie Irving stopped by the basketball courts to play some impromptu pickup basketball with some of his fans. After his team subbed him out for a girl and another kid committed the fifth consecutive air ball, Irving promptly got up from the bench, grabbed the ball, and popped it with his vicelike grip. As he was leaving the ARC in disgust, shouts of, “Hey, that wasn’t your ball!” and, “We have to let everyone play so that we all have fun!” followed him out the door.

Tuesday: Maggie did not show up at her usual time of 4:30 p.m., dressed in yoga pants, a colorful sweatband and fully done makeup. Disappointed male students on countless treadmills did not have her perfectly toned ass as motivation and an estimated 1,500,000,000 less calories were burned. The harness-able electricity that should have been generated cost the university hundreds of dollars, which will be reflected in the spring 2013 tuition bill. Wednesday: A scrawny freshman tragically died while bench pressing for the first time. His spotter, although present, ignored his cries for help and quickly-reddening face, instead electing to shout motivational one-liners for thirty straight minutes including, “Push!” and, “You can do it!” Not that the spotter’s boney arms could have done anything to stop the freshman’s death even if he had tried. The spotter is now on trial for manslaughter, and is rumored to be using the defense, “It’s not my fault the little bitch couldn’t even lift the bar.”

Saturday: While doing her Kegel exercises Jessica released a thunderous queef, but feigned looking around for the culprit, successfully avoiding detection. In related news, Mike farted downstairs then laughed maniacally while holding a freshman’s face mere inches from his ass. Sunday: Samantha enjoyed anonymity at the gym by not wearing makeup. This was not without its problems, as she reported being stared through like a ghost and repeatedly having dirty towels dumped on her head as she was mistaken for a garbage bin. But hey, out of all the girls that showed up this week, Samantha had the most legit workout of them all. Like every other college student, one week was enough for us. We quickly beat our way out of the building, looking back, vowing not to return until the first week of spring semester, not that there would be anything to see, anyway.

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Pregnancy Scares: a near-near death experience kevin hanes wrote this There are very, and we mean very, few things one will do in college that will cause a person to fully examine their life choices. Hurling your guts in an un-flushed toilet at Red Lion with some rando holding your hair back is not a reason to reflect. Finding yourself leaving a frat house at 10:00 a.m. with nothing but a pair of basketball shorts and a Ramones t-shirt won’t cause any serious regret, just temporary embarrassment. Not even skipping a discussion section worth participation points causes any real life reflection. The only thing that really makes you feel shitty inside, the only thing that will cause immediate pain, stress, and profuse sweating is a pregnancy scare. Or at least, so we’ve heard. Pregnancy scares are, for all intents and purposes, the worst. For fellas not quite knowledgeable on female anatomy, you will soon become an expert in all things vagina-related, as you will WebMD everything and anything that has to do with periods, pregnancy, and abortion once your fuck buddy send you the "I'm late" text.. What you will learn will be bone-chilling. For all the ladies, this will be your opportunity to see if your man actually cares about you, or if it’s just your hot body and that Kim Kardashian ass he loves. Be warned: Missing your period is no joke. Lying about missing your period is absolutely the cruelest, meanest, most inhumane thing a girl could do to a guy. It is not funny at all. It just means you’re a clingy, paranoid bitch that has no other way to keep a man. Sorry, but it’s true.

For all who are lucky enough to have never experienced the horror, pregnancy scares are similar to near-death experiences—your life flashes before your eyes, and it’s pathetic to only see eighteen to twenty years of it. Then you start to think of your painful, unsuccessful future, “Oh shit, do I have to get married now? Do I have to mow the lawn and become a little league coach? What if our child is really ugly? Do I still have to keep it? Is the adoption process as whimsical as it is in Juno?” We wouldn’t wish this pain on our worst enemy: the restless nights, the insane stress, and most importantly the infamous, unwanted “talk.” For those that don’t understand, for reasons we could easily conjure, “the talk” is the worst preemptive talk you will ever have to have with a girl, especially a girl you just met, or one who turns out to be a freshman who lost her gentle virginity to you. For example, “So if, you know…I’m pregnant, what are we going to do?” When you hear this you’re gonna want nothing more than to say “Abort, bitch abort!” But because you have the smallest bit of maturity you’ll say, “You know I’m not gonna walk out on you, baby,” as you quickly purchase a one-way flight to Morocco on your iPhone. Kiss your Blue Guys and Shackers goodbye. Ladies, get on the pill. It’s stupid if you’re not. Condoms

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suck anyways; they don’t always fit right, sometimes they break, and sometimes your asshole roommate thinks it’d be funny to poke a bunch of holes through ‘em. And don’t forget, spotting does not mean she’s on her period, buddy. Sometimes a little bit of blood is a sign of conception. Gross. Wait a few more days but not too long. Whatever you do, don’t celebrate too early. You might just be celebrating the existence of your first newborn. Maybe you can name it after the place where you first met like Murphy or Kameron. Whatever happens, it’s your decision on how to deal with it now. And of course any pro-life stance you held before will inevitably be tossed in the trash, because, obviously, your situation is “different.”

Your iCard wants out rebecca jacobs wrote this Dearest Oblivious Owner, How many times does an iCard have to attempt plastic suicide before you’ll take a hint?! My god, you are the most negligent card owner I’ve ever come across, and trust me, iCards really get around. Although, apparently not as much as you. Does the Trojan sales department know about you? Please, I’d rather be in one of those clutches girls carry around only to be hit by their overloaded key chains than buried under your “nightly deeds.” In this break up it’s not like I’m Robert Pattinson, needing Jon Stewart consoling me with ice cream on television. I’m not asking for sympathy, I just need you to hear me out. It all began the day you used me to scrape dog crud off the bottom of your shoes. I know being an iCard isn’t terribly exciting, but I deserve more respect than encountering what moved through your canine’s bowels. I realized I’d had enough; I wanted to explore the world on my own, outside the uncomfortable leather pockets in your wallet. And so my journey began. Initially I only had one trusted ally to turn to: the Alma Mater. My time was limited, so as you walked down Green Street to “get your drink on,” I decided to embody Harry Houdini. I initiated my own disappearing act. That wasn’t the Artful Dodger snagging me out of your back pocket; I “slipped” out! I stood at the curb, stuck out my thumb, and waited for the Alma Mater to roll by on her way out of town. Hey, an iCard having a thumb isn’t so preposterous. Anyway, that “motherly” figure did the drive-by-and-ignore-the-freak-on-the-street thing and left me stranded on the side of the road. I may have a thumb, but I don’t have a mouth. It’s one of my many deficiencies, besides never seeming to be able to unlock dorm entrances. Your clever attempt at playing Marco Polo to find me when I fell to my freedom in the Armory wasn’t so clever. See, I was playing hide and seek. Let’s face it: It’s impossible to find your class in the Armory. So I seized the moment and dashed off through that maze of a hallway. If I landed outside near a LEX bus I’d be taken to a wonderful, faraway place like the eerily disturbing, yet somehow lovable region of Southern Illinois. Unlucky for me, you realized I was gone when you arrived at the dining hall, and some obtuse freshman brought me back to you. That was definitely not a run-on-the-beach type of reunion. I thought the third time would be the charm. Boy, was I wrong. What better cover than the distorting, blurring effects of alcohol? That night, you were trying to hook up with what every frat boy fantasizes about: twins. If you had actually paid attention to your great aunt’s genealogy project last summer, you would have realized those two “homeruns” were your third cousins. Oops? As you grabbed the shot glasses, I made a mad dive for the jungle juice tub. That may’ve been a risky decision since there is no standard recipe for the beverage. Consumers could be sure that night that an iCard was one of those unknown additives. I was also risking my life as well; who knows what kind of corrosive, plastic-eating liquids could have been mixed inside. Still, you managed to see me floating in the tub. I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too. I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s over! I’m through with this abusive, one-way relationship. From here on out, you’re an American driver, and I’m an English driver, on opposite sides of the street. I will state what any self-respecting, dignified broken hearted girl should say when she finds her sleazy boyfriend cheating: It’s not me, it’s you. I’m going to be just like Simba in Lion King. See every inch of land the sunlight touches? I rule that. Peace out, Your former iCard

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The Sad, Isolated Life of Ryan Weber, Daily Illini Editor benson wrote this On August 28, 2012, Ryan Weber, the Junior Opinion Editor of The Daily Illini, released one of campus’s most widely discussed and debated articles in recent memory. This article is also, in true Daily Illini fashion, one of the worst pieces of ignorant shit this campus has ever seen. The article is titled “Study Abroad Can Take Away From Education.” In it, Weber explains why visiting other cultures detracts from time that could be spent studying and taking upper-level classes in Champaign.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you think Illinois Football will do this year? “Probably gonna suck just as much as they did last year.” - Nate S., Junior

The article itself is riddled with facts statements conjecture bullshit that Weber clearly pulled out of his ass. U of I students and alumni have taken to writing scathing comments on The Daily Illini’s website, spelling out all of the inconsistencies in the article, and calling it a disgrace to the journalistic integrity of The DI. I don’t really understand that second point, because saying that something is a disgrace to The Daily Illini’s journalistic integrity is like saying Mya Mason is a disgrace to the artistic integrity of Brazilian fart porn. I do agree, though, that this article is particularly bad. However, it did get me thinking about something interesting: If this article was so bad that it got hundreds of people to visit The DI’s website just to comment on how awful it is, doesn’t that make it one of the most successful articles in terms of site traffic and advertising revenue? Is this article just a moneymaking stunt? Has The Daily Illini purposefully churned out awful trolling articles over the past 140 years because it was good for business? To get to the bottom of it, I decided to track down Ryan Weber to do some investigative journalism of my own. I phoned The Daily Illini to get Weber’s address, and when I told them I was the Managing Editor of The Black Sheep they were awestruck and told me everything I wanted. Apparently Weber lives in the basement of some house deep in Urbana. When I arrived, the house looked like nobody had lived there in decades, as all of the windows were broken, the paint on the siding had been completely flaked away, and the smell that the surrounded the house was jarring.

tion. Lining the walls of the room were countless jars of urine which gave forth a putrid smell. “I got a hell of a cold. Take a seat out there, because I don’t wanna get you sick.”

“Never heard of them…” - Tiffany B., Junior

“Weber. My God, what has happened to you? When was the last time you left this room?” “I cannot recall outside of this room. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I have communicated with an ‘Outsider,’” he said, glaring at me as he emphasized the last word. “Weber, you need to leave this room. Experience things beyond this decrepit hole!”

"has the daily illini purposefully churned out awful trolling “Why should I? Have you seen the response of my most recent articles over the past 140 years online article? Everybody hates me. My because it was good for business?" editor is going to spray me with

Since nobody seemed to live on the main floor of the house, I let myself in and walked down to the basement. After knocking on the door I heard Weber reply in monotone, “Come in with the milk,” which he repeated several times. “Weber?” I replied. “Who is it?” “Weber, it’s Benson.” “Benson, right. Yeah,” he said and opened the door. What appeared before me was a sickly, naked man with hair down his back. A matted, scraggly beard hung from his face, and long, yellow nails hung from his fingers. The room he was sitting in was dark and in decrepit condi-

his hose again for sure.”

“But Weber, don’t you see? You are better than them! All of those people actually read a Daily Illini article and took the time to respond to one. While you may be a staff writer, and even an editor, it is clear that you didn’t even take the time to re-read your own article. Even though you are a terribly pretentious writer, at least you don’t read The Daily Illini,” with these words a faint light appeared in Weber’s eyes as he remembered things long forgotten. In an instant, though, it disappeared and he ordered me to leave. It was a disturbing experience to say the least. However, I did take away a key lesson: Everybody at this college was raised being told that they need to go to a good college to have a happy life. They all worked hard to get where they are, but many forget that life exists outside of their narrow life paths. And while some bury their noses in books, others are banging large-titted Spanish women on a beach in Barcelona. The choice is up to you, I guess.

“Probably really good... And then probably really bad.” - Nicole L., Junior

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The Truth Behind the Pep uiuc staff wrote this During the first few weeks of school annoyingly peppy cheers being shouted by robotic sorority girls can be heard throughout campus, irritating anyone who is forced to live next door to these houses. Sorority girls scream about their “loving sisterhood” with forced, overly-excited expressions on their faces like they just had a bad botox injection. If their songs were honest, they’d sound more like war cries rather than cheerful chants. Truth is, sorority girls hate rush. They aren’t allowed to do their three favorite activities: get white girl wasted, go to bars, and hook up with countless boys. That leaves them with at least two weekends at the start of the school year that are spent all dry and sober. If sorority songs were honest, instead of cheering about how excited they were to be recruiting, it’d go something like… No booze, no bars, no boys, Nothing but annoying cheer noise. Instead of flirting with boys to get smashed, We flirt with freshmen girls for their cash, To buy into our friendSHIT, That is based off of getting wasted. It’s a commonly known fact that sorority recruitment is based on looks. Without hot pledges the house will easily get ignored by the frat bros - a sorority’s worst nightmare. It’s not about your personality, It’s how much attention you get in a fraternity. You’ll be used as pretty little toys, To keep getting booze from all frat boys.

So hide the ugly girls in the basement; We need the easy sluts for entertainment. Don’t be fooled by the happy cheers, fake smiles and cheesy dance moves; living in a sorority can be as dramatic as a reality TV show. Instead of cheering about sisterhood virtue, most sisters should be chanting about how they can’t stand the bitch down the hall in their house. They say our sisterhood is forever, Until you get with a sister’s ex-lover. Sisterhood bonds end in a mess, When a wasted girl spills drinks on her sister’s dress. Get ready for a cat fight, Sisters will go at it all night. Just like anything else in life, sorority recruitment rules are made to be broken. Yeah right, like any rule is going to keep a house of roughly 200 thirsty women in on a Thursday night. And they don’t stop at recruitment. Throughout the semester, girls fall victim to even more ridiculous rules like sober sisters and no boys allowed to sleep over. Rules are strict during sorority rush. This makes sisters cause a fuss. Sneaking out of the house to get their alcohol fix, And never stopping to throw slamming boys in the mix. Punishment comes when scandalous sisters are caught, But they never learn from lessons that they’re taught.

Sorority cheers are not completely false; yes, each sorority thinks they are a blessing to the campus and that naturally everyone should love them. Really, give us one good reason… Here at Alpha Alpha Alpha we think we are the best, Just because we can wear letters across our chest. We have exchanges where we dress like CEOs and corporate hoes, And we get to hang with the hottest bros. Some may call us dumb, blonde fools, Because we like to hook up with those tools. But hey, if all the rushes can make their way through the whole process, good for them. Your ears may be ringing for a few days afterward, and I promise you that these little jingles will continue to rot your brain even a year later (seriously, I’m surprised at how well these things stick). Just know that if you don’t buy all the bullshit the active girls trying to feed you during rush, then get out now, it only gets worse.

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Everyday in September: $3.50 Blue Moon 16oz Pints $4 Blue Moon 20oz Taps Fri & Sat in September: $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles!

Friday: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE : Black Light Party! featuring DIESELBOY, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more! Come dressed to glow!

Thurs: AVION Tequila Presents... Sexy School Girl Night $2 U CALL IT $3 AVION Tequila $3 EVERYTHING ELSE $3 Jager Bombs $3 Red Bull Vodka's

FRIDAY: The Hathaways, Live! With special guests Molehill and Miles Nielson

WED 9/05

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

Beast Friends Forever Tour with Jon Walker, Mark Rose and Lucas Carpenter (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN (Late Show) JAMES MOORE in the front! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 9/06

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

STRANGE ARRANGEMENT, SONNY STUBBLE and ROSTER MCCABE

AVION Tequila Presents... Sexy School Girl Night $2 U CALL IT $3 AVION Tequila $3 EVERYTHING ELSE $3 Jager Bombs $3 Red Bull Vodka's

BLUES JAM! Grab your harmonica, guitar, vocals, or anything else and come join the jam!

FRI 9/07

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE Black Light Party! featuring DIESELBOY, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more! Come dressed to glow!

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson & UV Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Fireball Whiskey $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

The Hathaways, Live! With special guests Molehill and Miles Nielson

SAT 9/08

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

HOW TO GROW A BAND (Punch Brothers film screening) Early Show! ROCK FOR HUMANITY (Late Show!)

DOLLAR PARTY $1 Stella Pub Cans $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka $3 Bud Light Platinum Bottles $3 Jim Beam

THE BIG NAZTY'S! Awesome Rock Covers All Night Long!

SUN 9/09

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music Every Sunday! MIDWEST AVENUE $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans $2 Jack Daniels Honey Drinks $3 Jack Daniels Drinks

$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Miller Lite Drafts $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas $5 Nacho!

MON 9/10

MASON JAR MONDAY $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

TUES 9/11

CRAFT BEER NIGHT $2 Wells $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

OPEN DECKS with TIGORILLA Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 9/12

$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs

ELEPHANT REVIVAL with CHICAGO FARMER (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN (Late Show!) Playing all your favorites! Plus, JAMES MOORE in the front room! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

W IN NO MOVE ET A $200 G AND CARD! GIFT

Need Some Space? We Got That!

We’re Pet Friendly!

With large main areas for parties and spacious bedrooms for afterhours, you’ll never feel cramped here!

Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

| 217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday Night Doubleheader HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm Bengals vs Ravens 6pm Raiders vs Chargers 9:30pm $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

WED 9/05

FALL BEACH WEEK Over a foot of sand in the Beer Garden! Play BURIED TREASURE! Someone will Win an IPAD!! plus other great prizes! NFL Kickoff - NYG vs DAL 7pm

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$3 Strong Islands

WED:

FRIDAY: DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

JOE'S BIKINI BATTLE! $3 Miller and Coors Aluminum Pints $3 Jager U Call Its $3 The Beach Tea

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!

JOE'S BIKINI BATTLE! WIN $1000 CASH PRIZE! $3 Miller and Coors Aluminum Pints $3 Jager U Call Its $3 The Beach Tea

THURS 9/06

Fall Beach Week - Night 2 LADIES BEACH ARM WRESTLING Win a Trip to Miami! Beach Party with DJ Jon Han $2.50 Tullamore Dew $2.50 Three Olives

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night Thursdays Doors Open 9PM DJ Lunics Spinning No Cover!

$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/07

Fall Beach Week - Night 3 BEACH BADMINTON TOURNEY Win One of Two Pairs of Hawks Tickets! $5 Bud Light 40's

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$2 Kentucky Apples $3 Jim Beam $3 Pinnacle Flavors

SAT 9/08

Fall Beach Week - Night 4 FISH RACES - ILLINI Watch Party Come out early Winner of Fish Races WINS A TRIP TO MEXICO! 9:30pm - ILLINI vs Arizona State

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!

DJ DANCE PARTY!

SUN 9/09

BEARS GAMEDAY Noon- Bears vs Colts WIN A BEARS JERSEY $2 ANYTHING - Every Liquor plus $2 Any Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

MON 9/10

Monday Night Doubleheader HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm Bengals vs Ravens 6pm Raiders vs Chargers 9:30pm $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

MNJ $3 Stoli $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

Tequila Tuesday at the 8th Grade Gance $2 Blue Moons $2 Jose Cuervo

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!

TUES 9/11 WED 9/12

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$2 Jager featuring The Dirty Girls $3 Michael Collins and Don Q Rum The Original Sunday Funday! Come Watch the Bears Get a W!

$2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks, $3 Bombs NFK Kickoff: NYG v Dallas

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s! All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

MONDAY: Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

SAT: Beer Garden FOAM PARTY with DJ John Han Bacardi Frat Potion $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives Drinks/Bombs

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 9/06

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

WED 9/05

SATURDAY: SIG Eps Present “Chiddy Band” Live at Kam’s!

SPECIAL NIGHT

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

DJ DASH Spinning All Night! $3 Captain & Cuervo Drinks $5.00 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Miller Lite Bottle/Cans $2 Fireball & DR Shots $2.00 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/07

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

SIG Eps Present “Chiddy Band” Live at Kam’s! Bud Lt Game Watch Party 9:30pm $2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Jameson Girls & Giveaways

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Beer Garden FOAM PARTY with DJ John Han Bacardi Frat Potion $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives Drinks/Bombs

SAT 9/08

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ!

SUN 9/09

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night FBall Kickoff, Open 6pm! Cinn at Balt 6pm, SD at Oak 9:15pm Beer Garden Tailgate & Cookout Soco Girls & Giveaways Win 2 Football Jerseys BIG ASS DRINKS: $2 32oz Drafts $2 Dbl Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 9/10

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Country Music & Bands Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Pinnacle Vodka Girls

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 9/11

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 9/12

SICK OF YOUR APARTMENT OR DORM

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theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Nickname: Baby Cub

Nickname: Party Girl Sara

Relationship status: Just going through my frat slams one day at a time.

Major: Human Development and Family Studies Favorite sex position: Reverse cowgirl.

Sexual preference: Bi-curious. Best pick up line you’ve heard: “Does this smell like chloroform?”

Best hangover cure: Oh, I've never been hungover.

Favorite drink: Whiskey makes me frisky.

Prediction for the Illini football season: They're gonna blow like every other year.

When did you lose your virginity: What's virginity? Can you help me find it?

Dream job: Being a mom, Duggar style, children on children.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years: As employee of the month at The Silver Bullet.

Favorite part of bartending: Flirting with old men for tips.

Biggest girl crush: Any female pizza delivery driver.

Mythical creature you'd want for a pet?: The hookahsmoking cat from Alice in Wonderland would make my day, every day.

Porn star name: Scout Olcott.

Biggest turn off: Bad teeth

Favorite marsupial: Kangaroos.

krista p. the red lion

Best thing to make in a toaster oven: Crack.

the drinking game

Candyland So maybe we’re trying to hold onto our childhood, or maybe we just find pleasure in corrupting childhood games. Either way, this game is bitchin’. What You’ll Need: Candyland board game, alcohol of your choice, beer. Number of Players: 4 Level of Intoxication: You’ll be trying to get Princess Lolly and Queen Frostine to skinny dip in the Ice Cream Sea. How to Play: - Set up your Candyland board game and stack your shuffled cards together in a pile. - Set up four shot glasses and four cups of beer. - Players must choose a color that will remain theirs for the rest of the game. - First player must draw a card and move to the closest corresponding color. - If the color on the card matches the player’s color, they can move ahead to the closest square of that color. This player also chooses one other player to chug a beer, one second for each square the piece moves forward. - If the color on the card is not their color, they must move backward on the board to that color and chug beer for one second for each square the piece moves backward. - The player then sits on that color until they pull their color, taking a shot every turn they don’t. The Game Ends When: Someone reaches Candyland or someone gets Gloppy all over the board.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

sara h. murphy's

Best place to have sex: On the roof of Krannert. It's dark, grassy, and no one knows you're there. This is totally hypothetical.

Recipe for Disaster

cereal fruit pie It’s hard getting away with eating dessert for breakfast, but lucky for you we’ve come up with an airtight recipe that will have you cramming sugar down your gullet on a daily basis. What You’ll Need: Fruity Pebbles, strawberries, cool whip, butter, plastic bag, 9 inch pie pan. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’re basically eating a stick of butter, so take that for what it’s worth. Let’s Get Baked: - Fill a large plastic bag with Fruity Pebbles. Smash the bag until all the cereal is crushed to little pieces. - Combine ½ cup of butter with the cereal in a bowl and microwave until the butter is melted. - Stir until all the butter and cereal is one hot primordial soup. - Take your “pie crust” and lay it down on your buttered or non-stick pan. - Place in a 350 degree oven for about 10 minutes, take it out and let it sit for another 10 minutes. - Once cooled, fill the crust with cool whip. - Pop in some cut-up strawberries. - Dig in! You might think because it has the word “pie” in it that it must be a dessert. Well, it also has the word “cereal,” and therefore you can eat it for breakfast!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review booze review: Smirnoff Kissed Caramel | grade: b Overview: Everybody likes some flavored vodka now and again, but there’s always the fear of it being too sugary to handle. If you can’t tell that vodka with caramel in it will be too sugary, then you’re a big dummy who should just stick to unflavored Burnett’s. History: After a successful yet freakishly weird Tim Burton remake, Willy Wonka was living a meaningless life, unsure how to next use his talents. His Everlasting Gobstopper left no room for experimentation since it already maintained delicious flavor, and his lickable wallpaper was deemed a health hazard by the Food and Drug Administration. Wonka felt that his time was done out appealing to the youthful, candy-inhaling market segment he dominated for years. Turning away from children, he set his sights on adults and law-defying teenagers. He knew the one product that could bring joy and happiness to twenty-somethings like licorice ropes could bring sugar highs to seven year olds: alcohol. He dabbled with rum and whiskey, but found vodka to be the perfect companion to sugary flavors. Inspired by his gorgeous chocolate river, Wonka whipped up a batch of caramel-infused vodka shots and knew he had struck gold. Next plan on his list? Mix this creation with his Fizzy Lifting Drink when he really wants to get crazy.

Typical Drinkers: Oompa-Loompas, Snooki, newborn Irish babies, Augustus Gloop, people that never visit the dentist, Gene Wilder, Roald Dahl fans. User Comments: “It’s hot and creamy! I can actually feel it running down my throat!” “I bet this would taste really good in cream soda.” “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. And this is like, both of them.” “This is killing my teeth.” “What’s the difference between caramel and butterscotch?” Conclusion: Pour yourself a glass of (Diet) Coke and mix in some of this week’s vodka to create a cavity-causing caramel concoction. It’s the perfect addition to your pregame if you’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth. If not, this really isn’t the alcohol for you. Sorry. We’ll be back next week with poison, hater.

Best Mixer: coke | Worst Mixer: tooth paste

The Top ten

page 18

theblacksheeponline.com

best things to steal from parties You head in to a party, hand over $5 for a cup, and drink out of their quickly-disappearing, lukewarm keg. You’re not getting much bang for your buck, so snagging yourself a little gift on the way out makes it all a bit more worth it. 10. Cups and Shot Glasses: Point blank: You can never have enough. Stealing these from a frat is basically just a shadier way of saying, “Thank you for supplying my party next weekend, you will not be invited.”

The Girl with the Anal Tattoo Lisbutt Salander wrote this My name is Larry Sanders, and I was the best investigator around. So good, in fact, that a wealthy family hired me to investigate a scandal within their household involving stolen heirlooms. However, I needed someone’s help. This is the tale of the Girl with the Anal Tattoo. As I was driving past the Fort Lauderdale penitentiary on the way to my house to continue research on the LeBaron bastards, I spotted a disheveled girl near the entrance. She was carrying a bag of belongings. Suddenly, I was struck with an idea. Who better than a sneaky crook to help me steal back family heirlooms? I promptly turned my Cadillac around and called to the girl. She walked over with a self-absorbed smile and bent over my open window. “Whatcha want, rich boy? I just got out of prison with only bitches to play with so I’m ready to rumble. It’s been a while. Hell, I’ll give you the whole package for free.” I stared at her with a blank face. She squinted at me and continued, “What, you don’t like what you see, asshole?” She lifted her shirt to reveal a shitty tattoo of a fairy crying on her back. “You see this badass tattoo?! Don’t you wanna lick--.“ I cut her off and said, “Alright, I was gonna give you a job, but if you’re a prostitute then never mind. I don’t need those kinds of services.” She looked at me surprised and said, “Well what do you want then, ya dumb fuck?” Once I had explained my needs to her, she agreed in a heartbeat. Apparently she had been in jail for theft, so I knew she was capable of retrieving a few of the LeBaron family’s lost items for me. She told me her name was “Deuce-Deuces.” When I asked her where we were headed, she said she needed to pick something up at her ex Rockwood’s house. When we arrived she jumped out, ran to the lawn, and dropped her pants. I stared in awe as she bent over and defecated right on the grass. It was then that I realized that I was dealing with a crazy woman. Before I knew it, she was back in my car, smiling at me with the eyes of a mental patient. “Hell yeah, that’ll show his junkie ass,” she said. I told her that what she had done was illegal. “I don’t care,” she said, “he put me in jail, I swear. Plus I used to rock his wood in my ass.”

Thinking I had misheard her, I said, “WHAT?” “Oh yeah,” she replied, “I’m like, totally into anal…my neighbor got me into it.” “Your neighbor…” I said. She looked at me as if this were totally normal. “Uh yeah,” she said. “I was feelin’ experimental, and then he came along and showed me the magic that is anal.” At this point, I am considering leaping out of my own car and just letting her keep it. Then again, my mom always said that I shouldn’t judge people too quickly, so I continued driving her to my house, where I kept all of my research in the LeBaron case thus far. I was tuning Deuce-Deuces out as I drove, bobbing my head to the radio and murmuring in agreement every few seconds to placate her deranged mind. We arrived at my house, and I led her inside. Deuce-Deuces dropped her pants again the second she walked in my door. “NO, NOT HERE! THERE’S A BATHROOM UPSTAIRS, DAMMIT!” I screamed. “I thought you agreed to enter through the back door,” she said, winking. As I was shaking my head in mock horror (c’mon, everyone wants to try it…right?), I spotted a black scribble right next to the hole that I was considering. “Umm, what’s on your ass?” I said. She smiled smugly and said, “A tattoo, silly. Isn’t it hot? It used to say Vince, my neighbor’s name, but now it says Rockwood. Now do you get it? I rock wood in my ass, remember?!” That was the point that I realized that my mother was wrong. You can judge a person as fast as you want, because Deuce-Deuces was a fucking weirdo. I kicked her out while she begged, “Stick it in! Just once! For five seconds?” I was so disgusted that I decided not to leave my house for a few days, which turned into weeks. So that’s how I got fired from the LeBaron job and demoted from my status as best investigator. I am now a plumber. All thanks to the Girl with the Anal Tattoo.

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Chicken & Pizza

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9. Toilet Paper: As a chick, there’s nothing worse than stopping to pee on the way home and having to squat against the side of a building. It’s even more fun when there’s nothing to wipe with, and then you feel all wet and hobo-y for the rest of the night. Stealing a roll is convenient, and no one will really give a shit if you do it. 8. Random Knick Knacks: The stranger the stolen item in your pocket, the better the conversation starter it is. Head in to a party with plans to walk away with the oddest piece you can get your hands on. Look for bobble heads, Nintendo 64 controllers, artsy coffee mugs, or massage oils. Bring it out to the bar and see how many numbers it helps you get. 7. Clothes: Girls and heels, boys and hats; they usually get ditched within the first five minutes. And everyone makes the mistake at one point of bringing a North Face to a party and “hiding” it behind the couch. Keep an eye out for this stuff and expand your wardrobe in just one night! 6. Money: It’s unoriginal and basically a felony, like embezzlement. But really, it’s boring and makes you the scum of the earth. If you sink to this, just donate it to a local charity or pass it off to a Green Street bum. You’re both going to spend it on booze, but they don’t have a mommy supporting their habit. 5. Lawn Chairs: Not only are these things beyond easy to casually grab and walk away with, they’re also totally practical. Who isn’t going to want to sit down at some point in their life? Having more chairs on hand in your apartment means you can finally go out and make some more friends, what with all of that seating room. 4. CDs/DVDs/iPod: Selling these on the black market is a quick way to make some money without prostituting yourself, but that whole gig is overplayed. Christmas is in a couple months, and between now and then you’re bound to have some birthdays sprinkled in there. Stock up on some copies of the latest Now That’s What I Call Music! CDs, because that’s a gift that anyone would love, right? 3. Food: Instead of heading to Jimmy John’s on the way home for a $7 sandwich, save yourself some money tonight. It’ll be a little difficult to do at a frat, but if you find yourself at an apartment rager, it’ll be pretty simple to pop open a cabinet and snag a bag of chips without anyone noticing. “It’s cool bro, I live here.” 2. Alcohol: Rolling a keg out of a senior house it too obvious, and free beer during rush is too easy. Find yourself a chubby girl and have her help you smuggle a handle out under her shirt. From this point you have two options: Finish it off by yourselves or find a druggie in a bar’s back alley and try to trade it in for some drugs. The second choice might involve sexual favors as well, but that’s the whole point of college. 1. Someone’s Virginity: Ah, the only theft that actually comes with a bonus gift: offspring!

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continued from the cover

The second idea on Easter’s white board is to implement more Unofficial-esque holidays. Unofficial is a day that really puts the university on the map by having kids from all over the midwest come to Champaign to drown themselves in Guinness and clear out the town’s stock of Plan B pills. A major flaw of Unofficial is that it occurs only once a year, something that Easter is altering on this year’s academic calendar. “We will now have Unofficial once a month. Participation is mandatory. If I see students not completely wasted on that day, they will be met with swift punishment. I don’t want to sound like a tyrant, but if we fall in one more ranking, I will probably be tossed out on my ass,” Easter said. This trepidation of being fired has kept Easter working diligently towards boosting the university’s rankings. It has also led him to installing the third prong of the three-pronged attack on the school agenda: the implementation of a new, drinking-based major. “With Alcoholic Studies, we’re looking for something that will be accessible and encouraging to the majority of the student body. Students with experience can skip over the introductory course, Imbibing 101, but everyone interested should definitely join.” Resources for the new major have been created from the deconstruction of the now retired field of study, Recreation, Sports and Tourism, being that all three of those are made better with alcohol anyway. Guidance counselor Ryan Rosenberg is thrilled about the new implementation. “Fortunately, the majority of students studying RST were thinly-veiled alcoholics and have been placed

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accordingly. Better than that, the class sizes for the major have been expanded to 600 students, and it only meets once a week,” Rosenberg said. “But nothing is stopping me from having to be in my office an extra twenty hours getting all these students in.” Professors (admittedly, mostly TAs) have constructed their syllabi from the various bars on campus. Students can receive extra credit for ditching their other classes on Friday or by wearing ridiculous shades and unwashed sweat pants. While freshmen get charged $2,000 in hospital bills if they get transported from the dorms to the hospital via ambulance, they will now receive 20 points of extra credit in the majority of their classes if they stay home and just try to sleep it off. “Extra credit points go a long way,” said freshman Melinda Anderson, who while currently undecided, hopes to major in Alcoholic Studies as soon as it becomes an official major. “I know I have to rethink whether I want to discourage my roommate from calling the hospital when I come back into the room barely able to stand up. My grade could be on the line.” Part of belonging in Alcoholic Studies is to buy into the lifestyle. Fortunately, Anderson doesn’t have to. “Everyone is desperate to get me into Kam’s and then buy me a ton of drinks. Personally, I don’t mind, but I have to bring receipts to class so… it can be problematic.”

"drinking is for hell-born fags! Are any of you fags single? “How am I supposed to reach the students when they are drunk all the time? I depend on rational thinkers to devour my messages!” Jed shouted. Students in Alcoholic Studies will get additional bonus points for causing trouble with Jed, which is a very easy and fun thing to do. “I’m going to make a rap song about bisexuality,” Anderson said, “and then sing it in his face.” “She better not do that,” Jed replied, upon finding out about her plot. “Chick-fil-A and I have explicitly agreed to drown out anybody in favor of an alternate lifestyle not detailed in the Bible.”

George Smock, the infamous evangelist who is known Evidently, Alcoholic Studies has a lot of promise on campus. Outside of infusing a culture that will increase student morale and tolerance as Brother Jed on campus, is leading the protest of each other, it will also do the thing president Easter wants most: to against the inclusion of the major. raise Illinois to the number one party school.

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6 Fall Films That Probably Won't Suck

Sadly, summer is over, spelling the end of the summer blockbuster. The Avengers, Amazing Spider-Man, The Dark Knight Rises - and other non-superhero films that people cared about all came out this summer. Sadly, there are no more huge hype machines screaming at us from every conceivable media outlet about what to go see. Gone are guaranteed action, adventure, and intrigue, now the threeminute trailers for movies coming out now may contain the only entertaining moments of the entire film. That doesn’t mean everything will be crap. Here we have a list of six flicks that look to be worth the time this coming autumn. By: Michael Mattucci

Dredd 3D - September 21

Frankenweenie - october 5

pitch perfect - october 5

Based on the 2000 AD comic-book character, Dredd is a member of a police force of the future called Judges who have the authority to act as judge, jury and executioner. They are the law. After the 1995 Sylvester Stallone catastrophe known as Judge Dredd, this movie should easily hurdle the low-set bar left by Mr. Sly’s goofy turn as a roided-out future Rambo. However, while it will undoubtedly be an improvement from its 90s counterpart, on its own merits it could still fail to impress. It's a simple story, and for it to work the direction and performances need to be on point, lest it turn out to be a Michael Bay-esque action orgy.

Tim Burton remakes his own 1984 short film, this time going for the stop-motion he's so famous for (even if he didn't actually direct The Nightmare Before Christmas). The main character, Victor, loves his dog so much that he finds a way to bring him back to life! Shenanigans ensue as he tries to keep his creation a secret from the rest of the neighborhood. And no, he doesn’t have sex with the dog, why would you even think that?

A musical comedy about a group of misfits who form an all-girl a capella group to compete against the boys? Clearly it's a Glee/ girl power! cash-in, but could the student surpass its master? Glee has always been a "you love it or you hate it" program, but many Gleeks are losing faith in the show. Pitch Perfect looks to plummet down the forgettable movie musical hole, joining the ranks of Hairspray and From Justin to Kelly. If it doesn’t, we’ll sing its greatness from the mountaintops, because who doesn’t need more ridiculous musicals full of singing teenagers? It’s just like real life, minus the social awkwardness and bacne!

By reworking one of his earliest concepts, Burton has the opportunity to get back into form with a dark but family-friendly comedy that also tugs at your heartstrings. Remember the emotional rollercoaster that was Dark Shadows? No? Well, neither do we. Oh well, at least he's not bringing his wife, Johnny Depp, and his mistress, Helena Bonham Carter down with him this time.

Paranormal Activity 4 october 19

The Man with the Iron Fists november 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 | november 16

The exact plot is being kept under wraps (probably because it’s the exact same plot as the other three films), but Katy and her nephew Hunter, both missing since the events of the first two films, are now living next door to an unsuspecting family. These movies certainly stick to what Edgar Allen Poe called a "singular effect.” But just as Saw through Saw XXVI proved, many consumers love being force-fed the same scare tactics. And while they do try and change the game a little with each installment, overall we can't imagine this film will change your tune if you disliked the first three. And if you disliked the first three, why do you keep coming back? PHONY!

This is a story of a village in nineteenth-century China banding together to fight off a larger threat. Don't come to the theater expecting any level of historical accuracy. The Man with the Iron Fists looks to be a crazy over-the-top kung-fu action film with its own unique style brought to you by RZA, one of the most prominent members of the Wu-Tang Clan. However, he only co-wrote the film. His partner in this endeavor? Eli Roth, whose writing experience centers around the teenagers he brutally tortures in his gore-porn films. So let's hope he didn't help with the dialogue this time around. Here is a Rothian gem from Cabin Fever, in case you’re not familiar with his genius: Paul – “Why would you wanna kill squirrels?” Bert - “'cause they're gay.”

This made it on the list because regardless of the hate it gets, the franchise has a huge fanbase that throws its parent’s/boyfriend’s money at it. A success is a success. It's Twilight - no further introductions needed. If you're a Twilight fan there's pretty much nothing I can say to make you want to go see this any more or less than you already do. As for the people being dragged to this by their significant other, one can only hope that the film comes full-circle from terrible to terribly entertaining. Otherwise, constant remind your partner of the sexual courtesies they owe you for actually seeing this.

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yuvonne

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jake

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Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI

Where you’re from: Manhattan, NY

Where you’re from: Chicago

Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: Alesso

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What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Throw ya mouth on it.”

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What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I can’t think right now.”

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Where you’re from: Grand Rapids, MI

Where you’re from: Battle Creek, MI

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Who are you excited to see?: Axwell

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Who are you excited to see?: Knife Party

Who are you excited to see?: STS9

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Who are you wearing?: Everything

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What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Smoke weed every day.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Rub on my nipples.”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “Party at the Holiday Inn!”

What’s your favorite rap lyric?: “I got that good dick girl, you didn’t know.”

the seek and find

how many can you find? email us all the secret locations and win a prize! puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com

the classtime

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

Best Man: • Bob Barker • Bob Costas • Bob Ross • Bob Marley

Wedding Entertainment: • Synchronized Swimmers • Soulja Boy • Salsa-Making Instructors • Sammi Sweetheart

Unfortunate Incident: • Parasailing Accident • Poop’s Oneself • Pregnancy • Painkiller Addiction

Maid of Honor: • Heidi Montag • Heidi Klum • Heidi Fleiss • Hawt Heidi, the local stripper

Honeymoon Destination: • Falluja, Iraq • Fat Camp • Fort Wayne, IN • Fantasty Factory

Career Path: • Meth Cook • Marriage Counselor • Master Gardener • Maid

Wedding Caterer: • Chick-fil-a • Church’s Chicken • Chili’s • Crock Pot Potluck

mode of transportation: • Jetski • Jet Boat • Just Walkin’ • Jalopy circa ‘91

Claim to Fame: • Found Alien Life • Famous Zucchini Bread • Fruit Basket Tattoo • Flimsy Arms

some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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