The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 2 9/5/12 - 9/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
U of I Determined
to hold onto #4 party ranking aaron toch wrote this
After allegations about U of I’s law school sent it into a downward spiral on the ranking board, executives of the university were not about to let it happen again. Changes that booted both former President Mike Hogan and his lapdog, Lisa Troyer, from the system were meant to bring about a new era of honesty, respect, and ranking accumulation that had previously been unseen. This era started ecstatically when the Princeton Review announced that Illinois had achieved the ranking of fourth best party school in the nation, making it the highest rank Illinois earned in any category. “Let me say that I am proud of my students, first and foremost. Their dedication to destroying their livers, emptying their wallets, and spending the time that they paid so much to be studying on alcohol really says a lot about the lengths they went to earn us this glorious recognition,” President Robert Easter said. Easter, the man selected to erase the grime of Hogan, has been waiting for the moment when the university showed any signs of exceptionality. Although he hoped it would be in something like journalism or biology, he will accept the party school status and work diligently to maintain that glorious honor. “I’ve consulted my researchers, and we’ve come up with a three point plan to get to number one by the start of next year. After the law school gave everyone the bird last year, it’s important to give our student body something, fucking anything, to hold on to.” The first point of this plan? Acclimate the engineers. Known to feature a supporting cast from Asian countries, notably China, Easter is excited for the chance to introduce them to the wonderful art of alcoholic indulgence. “Chinese students are brilliant, kind, and have a wonderful work ethic. This is why we must work extra hard to get them to focus on Vegas Bombs and bong rips to the dome.”
Your iCard Wants Out
To go about improving this now immediate character flaw, drastic overhauls to the campus where foreign students populate have to be made. First on the list is Grainger Engineering Library. As many foreign students invest their time in studying physics and calculus, no better way exists to reach them than turning their library into a fraternity house. Plans to renovate Grainger Library into a fraternity are in their initial stages. To aid in the construction of this enormous frat house, Easter sought the council of Goose, a renowned partier and self-proclaimed “poon-slayer.” “Yo, if you want to have a successful party, you gotta have bitches. And how do you get bitches? Blow. I think
what’s inside
the truth behind the pep
You said you'd never leave it, but now it wants to leave you.
Through the clenched teeth smiles, sorority girls show their house's true colors.
page 8
page 10
this Grainger place needs to have awesome bathrooms for the bitches to do blow in and then a big, comfy bed for me to ‘typhoon that poon!’” Goose said in a conference concerning the layout of Grainger, with the last phrase being emphasized by raising two shockers in the air. “After conferring with Mr. Goose, we learned that the engineering quad is not the ideal location for a frat, due to the fact that the engineering major is mostly dominated by men. However, he insists that if we purchase a PA system with ‘real ballsy bass’ and some stripper poles for the fraternity house then we will be sure to be ‘swimming in dimes,’” Easter said at the same conference. continued on page 19
The Girl With the Anal Tattoo Mystery, intrigue, and some butt tattoos.
page 18