The Black Sheep
FR EE ... LI ON KE T EV HE ER LEF YV T EG OVE GI E T R CA RA UL I Y, EV FLOW ER ER .
Brought to you by
The Booze News
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 22, Issue 3 • 1/30/13 - 2/6/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
BURGER WARS:
CHAMPAIGN’S FIGHT FOR FAST FOOD TURF TEX MEX WROTE THIS With Wendy’s opening up in the coming weeks, there’s no doubting that America’s most reluctantly beloved ginger will both cause mouthgasms and ruin New Year’s resolutions for students all across campus. All is not entirely well in the land of overly-expensive franchised food places in Champaign, however. Several of campus’ veteran burger joints are forming alliances, backstabbing, and getting flat out dirtier than soloing a Fat MILF in order to suppress Wendy’s’ looming, tyrannical influence over the valuemenu-obsessed minds of U of I’s most seasoned fast food connoisseurs. Here’s a comprehensive look at what’s been brewing in the grease traps of Champaign’s fast food underworld for the past few months. It all started two months ago after the suspicious downfall of Sliders, once heralded by U of I residents as the place with burgers that most closely resemble White Castle burgers, but at five times the price. While many authorities refused to release such information, onlookers examining the abandoned building claimed to have noticed a crudely spray painted Wendy’s logo along the restaurant’s walls. This was accompanied by an “anarchy” symbol and a message written in ketchup stating “Take Note, Champaign: Wendy’s the Head Bitch is in Command Now.” While many students disregarded this as a mere urban legend, local grease joint restaurants Fat Sandwich and The Beef Stand took the message with grave seriousness. “I’ve openly served sandwiches with more fat than Paula Deen could handle, complete with mac n’ cheese bites, heavy mayo, mozzarella sticks, and jalapeño poppers… you know, the works,” tipped an anonymous Fat Sandwich associate. “But seeing the glowing red eyes of Satan incarnate in all his malignantly freckled and fire-haired nightmarish majesty… that’s something that stays with you until the day you die.” At this point, the two joints reached a business pact that sought to form a collaborative effort to impede the impending regime. Among the ranks of the smaller burger faction to rise in support were the non-franchised burrito joint Burrito King and El Charro (Translation: “The Charro”), hailing from the far west. “Burgers have never been our thing, but we grew concerned with the Wendy’s breakfast menu featuring the Bacon Fire Roasted Burrito. That’s ‘bacon’ and ‘burrito’ in the same sentence for chrissake. Neither us nor El Charro can risk that when we have Chipotle and Qdo- eh… Chipotle destroying our business,” revealed a Burrito King rep.
PUPPY BOWL RENOVATIONS
As council meetings grew, the burger and burrito joint alliances opened their doors to more local avenues, including hefty support from the Geo’s, Cravings, and Second Story clans as efforts to lobby for and regulate where students go for drunk-food continued to become a concern. During these confidential meetings, restaurant leaders, now dubbing themselves as “lords,” discussed everything from new menu items to covert sabotage excursions, with El Charro in charge of the latter on the grounds that their establishment already looked like a drug front to begin with. With top-dollar funding from bar giants like Joe’s and Firehaus interested in stopping the potential monopolization of fast food
what'’s inside
THE BLACK SHEEP SOLVES THE GUN DEBATE: MUSKETS
ANIMAL PLANET WANTS TO BOOST ITS ANNUAL PUPPY BOWL RATINGS. MAY WE SUGGEST MORE BLOODLUST?
THIS IS WHAT THE SECOND AMENDMENT REALLY CALLS FOR.
PAGE 6
PAGE 9
and other home-style menu items, the eateries began preparing for the storm that would paint the streets of Green red and yellow with assorted condiments. A massive anti-Wendy’s propaganda campaign became the first order of business by Geo’s through its mainstream influence over the drunken Illini. Slogans such as “Wendy is a Whore,” “Value Menu ≠ Dollar Menu,” and “Hitler liked Double Stacks. Do you?” flooded every building wall and lamppost of Green Street as far as the average student walking to class could see. Red Scare-inspired artwork began depicting scenes of the prospective People’s Republic of Wendy’s, and Geo’s contracted art students to donate their shitty artwork so they could maliciously attach the Wendy’s logo to it.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
THE SUPER BOWL MISFITS THERE'S STILL PLENTY OF TIME TO UNINVITE THEM...
PAGE 18