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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
FR PRO EE! LI BAB KE A LY S TAT HOU TOO L D N YO U ’T G ET.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 4
McDONALD’S CLAIMS 2,086 LIVES in First Weeks on Campus Squirrel Man wrote this This August, a new McDonald’s opened on Green St. Students were ecstatic to welcome America’s most celebrated fast food chain to their campus, but since its opening, the new McDonald’s has already claimed a staggering death toll. At the time of publication, 2,086 people have died as a direct consequence of the restaurant. It’s estimated that the number of casualties will continue to grow exponentially. “The carnage here is unbelievable,” said one first responder from Carle Foundation Hospital, who has personally witnessed over two dozen individuals perish from gorging at the restaurant. “In all my time working as an emergency medical responder, I’ve never seen anything like this. There are just... no words...” The new McDonald’s has, in merely a matter of weeks, transformed UIUC’s population of healthy, young adults into a population of greasy burger-eaters. Every day since its opening, thousands of students have eaten a high-calorie meal at McDonald’s. And accordingly, students have
gained a startling amount of body fat. The “freshman 15” has become the “freshman 150.” This has had a negative impact on the average student’s health: It’s now extremely common for students to simply collapse and die of a heart attack while attempting to walk across the Quad. “We were so excited to finally eat McDonald’s at college,” said Marsha Ruckers, a U of I senior who lost her roommate to the fast food giant last Monday. “She and I ate there only a couple times, and then she was… dead. At one bite, she was in the prime of her life. At the next, she was a high-cholesterol corpse. Just like that.” Many people had known that a McDonald’s on a college campus would lead to widespread tragedy, and they did everything they could to prevent it. For years, GameStop had done its part to prevent the opening of a UIUC McDonald’s. The good people at GameStop opened a store at the specific location which McDonald’s was eyeballing in order to delay its presence at U of I. With
GameStop in the way, McDonald’s was effectively kept out of the bustling campus. Many thought that Gamestop’s presence of overpriced video games and overly-pushy employees would satiate the students’ desire for cheap fast food. But alas, the demand for McDonald’s grew too large, and GameStop surrendered its real estate to McDonald’s. The students, however, surrendered their lives. Meanwhile, Subway fights McDonald’s evil influence. Subway – the sandwich franchise which has been labeled “McDonald’s for skinny people” – has announced the opening of another 10 Subway restaurants along Green St. to fight the number of McDonald’s-related casualties. Still, experts believe the opening of ten more Subways will be “too little, too late.” “We thought we’d loosen up a little when we allowed a Wendy’s on campus to open up two years ago,” lamented the President of the Champaign Chamber of Com-
merce. “We thought if we eased fast food back into students’ lives, they’d one day be ready for the inclusion of a McDonald’s. But we were wrong… mother of God, what have we done?” The new McDonald’s has left a horrific and undeniable impact
on the UIUC community. You may know someone – a friend, a coworker, a brother or sister – who died because of a large McFlurry, a McChicken with Mac sauce, or the dreaded custom abomination, “the McGangbang”. But you are not alone. There are plenty of people who are in mourning
as well. If you’ve lost a loved one to McDonald’s, don’t be afraid to seek help. The University of Illinois is also offering grief counseling for those who’ve lost somebody to McDonald’s at McKinley Health Center in Urbana, Group sessions begin at 8 p.m. on Monday in the main lobby.
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THE BLACK SHEEP INVESTIGATES: WHAT HAPPENED TO THISE KIDS FROM THE FIRST DAY FOF CLASSES
WAYS FOR GUYS TO COPE WITH SORORITY RECRUITMENT
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: SARAH JAFFE
HINT: IT INCLUDES THE SILVER BULLET, A BAG OF FUNYUNS AND SOME ALONE TIME...
WE CHAT WITH THE SINGER/SONGWRITER ABOUT HER TOUR AND LATEST ALBUM.
THEY MAY OR MAY NOT BE DEAD.
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