Illinois - Issue 4 - 2/6/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fr ee me ... li an ke yo VD, ur an Va d n le nt o, w in e d e’s o Da n’t y.

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Volume 22, Issue 4 • 2/6/13 - 2/13/13

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the blackout and the beautiful

A Champaign Soap Saga: Part 1 scotty g wrote this 1:30 a.m. – A strange time to be walking through Lincoln Hall. An even stranger time to be meeting with a professor. Jerry stepped softly as he made his way through the hall, so as to leave the empty building undisturbed from its slumber. He came to a stop in front of room 169. He had already double-checked, but still decided to pull up the email on his phone one last time. He still remembered showing up to room 243 last week, when his chemistry discussion was actually in 234. An easy mistake for a dyslexic kid to make, especially after spending the previous night at High Dive. Twenty-five cent drinks have always had a tendency to cause both memorable nights and memory loss. He held his phone up, looking at the email and the numbers on the door side by side. Finally convinced that he was at the right place, Jerry slowly pulled the door ajar and leaned his head in, leaving his feet in the hall until his eyes had the chance to confirm that she was there. He gave two light knocks on the door, “Mrs. J?” “Jerry, come on in. Let’s talk,” replied the 40-something brunette sitting at the front of the room. With a gentle smile, she lightly twirled a lock of hair with her long and slender index finger and watched as he came through the doorway. She pulled out her strawberry lip balm and applied it generously. He nervously pulled a chair up to her desk and sat, unsure if he should speak first. After a long awkward moment, he exhaled in relief as she broke the silence. “Hi Jerry, I’m sorry to drag you out here so late. I just wanted to make sure we took care of this problem right away.” He fidgeted and said, “Um yeah, it’s ok. I was still awake when you emailed me. What exactly is the problem?” “Well it turns out that there’s a problem with your grade from last fall. As you know, I think attendance is a very important part of any political science class. It pleases me when students show up and get actively involved in the course content. The discussions we have in here are really the meat and potatoes of the curriculum I’m teaching. That’s why 35% of the grade is dedicated to in-class iClicker points. I was very clear about this at the beginning of the semester, and it says the same thing on the syllabus.” Jerry furrowed his brow and listened closely. She sighed and continued, “Frankly, I’m disappointed that you

Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics

blew it off. Your papers really showed a good understanding of the material, but since you never showed up to any of my lectures, right now I’m afraid I can’t give you a passing grade.” “What?” asked a befuddled Jerry. “I came to every class we had. Well, there was one day I missed, but I’ve been here in class almost every time. I answered all the iClicker questions, I swear!” She shook her head, “Actually, you didn’t.” She turned her laptop around so Jerry could see the screen. It was open to the grade layout of one Jerry Norman. He had an impressive A- average on exams and term papers, but with a 0% on participation, Mr. Nor-

what'’s inside

man had a less than impressive F in the class. “You see, Jerry, every semester I have students who think they can skip lectures and then lie to me.” She slammed the laptop shut, startling Jerry and sending an echo down the hall. “I’ve heard every excuse. I bet you’re gonna say your iClicker was set to the wrong frequency or that there was an error with the registering software. I’m not having it.” Flustered, Jerry scrambled to respond, “But I really came to class! You gotta believe me! I can’t get an F!” “Relax. You’re not getting an F.”

continued on page 19

I love you so much, it's not weird.

Love in the Time of Mardi Gras

There was love found in a hopeless, drunken place.

What to do when you're dating a gold digger and you're no Kanye.

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Valentine Economics

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 6: The Black Sheep Investigates: Selling Your Plasma for Booze Money

page 6

A great idea if you have seven hours to spare.

page 7: Valentine's Day: Champaign Style Nights in the CU are natural aphrodisiacs.

page 7: Desperate and Needy: The Quest for a Valentine Failed valentine attempts of a loveless loner.

page 9: If you give New Orleans a Superdome

page 9

The citizens of NOLA will do something super.

page 9: Top 10: Things to Send Your Ex on Valentine's Day Too bad you just can't bottle up some STDs.

Table of

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Bri and Lena are up for it, if you are.

page 17: Booze of the Week We made a huge mistake getting maple whisky again

page 18: love stain Dating Advice with Retired Porn Actress Edith Sugarplum

page 18: from the streets What's your Valentine's Day wish?

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette

page 18 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

page four Dear Mr. Benson, I really got myself into deep shit this time. I’m wanted by a lot of different people for a lot of money due to the outcome of Sunday’s Super Bowl. Can you believe The Ravens won? To put this more clearly, can I have some money? Sincerely, Desperate Dear Dead Guy, The short answer is no; the long answer is not a fucking chance. You are the one who put yourself into this mess, and you need to be the one to get yourself out. There are plenty of ways to make money for your handsome bookies in a short amount of time. The most obvious thing to do is to start selling meth. Glass. Crystal. However, some people seem to have an aversion to selling drugs because it is “immoral” and “illegal.” If you are one of these chumps then my second piece of advice is to start gambling some more. Just sell a little meth to get a good cash base, then go to the track and watch your little children grow. This might sound a little like the beginning of a gambling addiction, but a gambling addiction is better than getting your right ear cut off. Of course, you could always just go to deep Champaign and start committing minor robberies. You know, bust in a few driver-seat windows. However, this plan of action usually ends in gaping shotgun-sized holes in the lower abdomen. The choice is up to you. All I know is that, assuming this is who I think it is, you better get that money soon, because a certain editor of a certain paper is ready to break some thumbs. Get to work, Mike

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Dear Blonde Girl Who Sits in the Front Row of Physics

dolf wrote this

I’m a senior who sits three rows behind you in class, and I think that you have the most beautiful back of the head that I’ve ever seen. This one time in lecture you saw me staring at you and awkwardly smiled, and I knew from that moment on that we were meant to be together for forever. No girl has ever acknowledged me before. I was wondering, would you be my valentine? Frankly, I don’t think I could survive another year with my mother as my valentine. I think that 25 is a bit old for that, don’t you? I was held back several years in grade school because I used to have fits where I would scream and bite any person who came near me, but the psychiatrist has prescribed medication so I generally don’t do that anymore. Last year I only bit four people. I think that we would be a great fit as valentines because you have interests, and I am willing to change every single thing about my personality to please you. For example, when I looked on your Facebook and saw that The Notebook was your favorite movie, I immediately went and bought it, and now I watch it every day. Speaking of Facebook, why haven’t you added me as a friend? I’ve asked you about 138 times. Even though we haven’t met, I feel like I know every bit of your life. Your best friend Karen will absolutely love my collection of dolls with the eyes removed, and I can’t wait to meet your parents, Bob and Carol, so I can show them my vast collection of Nazi memorabilia. That jerk Aaron doesn’t even seem to appreciate you. I mean, he goes to Illinois State. How can you possibly love someone when you don’t spend every single minute of the day with them? Speaking of which, we should probably start planning our classes together

now so we don’t have to spend a moment apart. Let me tell you a little about myself. I work at the Champaign County Humane Society, which is pretty boring, but sometimes I get to put down dogs, which is pretty cool. Not a single one of my coworkers can remember my name though. The only girlfriend I ever had was when I was 14, and she was from Canada. She asked me to send naked pictures of myself, and when I did, she revealed she was actually a 45-year-old man. We dated for three more months but eventually lost touch and decided to end it. I think our relationship could last longer because you’re a real person and a girl. I have an excellent date planned for Valentine’s Day. First, we will go to my apartment, where I can show you my scale model of bin Laden’s house being invaded by Seal Team 6. I like to reenact it with my action figures. Then we can go to dinner, but I may very well be unable to talk to you, seeing as how women tend to make me incoherent and profusely sweaty. The director’s cut version of Star Wars: Episode II is playing in theaters, and I figured since it’s the best movie ever you would want to see that after dinner. Finally, our night can culminate with the joining of our genitals in a beautiful ritual so we can have our first child together. I am a virgin, but don’t worry. I have watched lots porn so I have a pretty good idea what to do. I want you to meet my cat Mittens as well. He died when I was six, and although it was my first try at taxidermy, I think I did a pretty good job. I really hope you consider going on this date with me. My mother really seems to look forward to driving down to Champaign,

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which greatly concerns me. I feel that we could really have something special as long as you learn to deal with my glandular problem. I have already bought the six-pack of Smirnoff Ice Mango for us to drink and am planning on making a Tombstone pizza, my specialty, in hopes to impress you. Just know that your Valentine’s Day could be perfect if you choose to spend it with my mother and I. Sincerely, Thurston Willingham VII P.S. I got your restraining order in the mail yesterday. There’s no reason to play hard to get, silly!

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The Black Sheep Investigates:

Selling Your Plasma for Booze Money John McHoneyCombs wrote this With spring break soon approaching I found myself in desperate need to score some cash to fund my weeklong hard-drinking lady-banging venture. That was when I decided that in order for me to obtain enough dough to escape this frozen hellhole I would need to sell my plasma. The following passages detail my initial plasma selling experience. 12:30 p.m.: I have entered the plasma center and signed in as a new donor. The lobby is full of people who look like life just hit them with the pointy end of a hammer. I expected to find a fair mixture of townies and college kids who just need beer money like myself, but things like dreams and hope have kept the latter away from this place. The staff are mostly people in their late thirties or early forties and are moving about at a frantic pace that proves they’re overworked. They all appear a bit sad as if this is the best job their medical degree from the University of Phoenix could get them. 1:30 p.m.: I’ve been here for a full hour, and still haven’t heard my name called. A large gentleman in front of me is playing Spider Solitaire on his laptop as it rests on his beer belly. I do manage to overhear one nurse tell another one, “He bled all over the floor after we took it out and ran out. Then when he came back in it started bleeding again.” That’s comforting to hear especially after seeing that they all wear plastic splatter shields over their faces when they draw blood. I wonder how often they get a squirter in here. 3:45 p.m.: Holy balls I’ve been here for a while. I only now just finished my physical and got cleared to donate. I was forced to

read a manual laying out all the restrictions on if I can donate or not. The most interesting restriction is that you cannot donate if you have had gay sex with a man since 1977. Good news for all you gay seniors out there! 4:45 p.m.: I’m still waiting in the lobby and am contemplating sending my head through the vending machine. One man just left after he had been waiting two and a half hours for a physical and was upset. He stormed out saying, “What comes around goes around.” I share his sentiment, but I don’t exactly know how he plans on making these people wait a long time for some pocket money. 5:00 p.m.: Another angry man is arguing with the people at the front over a promotion that took place in December. Something along the lines of if you donate five times in December then you get something else on your sixth time. Do you get a free sub? Do they have donation punch cards that you need to bring with you? 6:00 p.m.: I’m starting to lose my mind here. It’s been nearly six hours and I have still yet to have a needle jammed into my arm. When I initially came in they advised that I have a meal an hour before I arrive. Now I know that the meal had nothing to do with having energy to donate. It’s because people have literally starved to death in the lobby.

7:00 p.m.: Skankitute finally finishes up taking my precious plasma and informs me that I should refrain from drinking alcohol in the next 24 hours because I could feel woozy. I neglect to mention that that’s the whole fucking point of drinking alcohol. I finally get my pay ticket and receive my compensation of fifty dollars! Yay!

6:20 p.m.: I’m finally called back to a bed and about to get this process over with when the nurse manages to fuck up sticking my left arm and goes for the right one instead. This nurse will now be referred to as Skankitute.

This concludes my investigation of the plasma center. If you have seven hours to spare and/or are desperate enough for beer money to have a bored grad student named Skankitute stick a needle in your arm, then selling precious bodily fluid is for you!

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Valentine’s Day: Champaign Style Kitty Kat wrote this The way you plan out the perfect Valentine’s Day date all depends on the type of person you’re trying to impress. Luckily, we’re in the cheap booze and ill-advised sex capital of the world, so it’s really hard to go wrong. Not only is CU the ultimate party town, it also has all the resources to create the most romantic, unforgettable evening ever. And with virtually no time left before the big day, it’s time to do what college kids do best: throw a bunch of shit together the night before and hope it all works out. A good place to start is to analyze your chosen valentine. If you two are dating, then you already have less to worry about. He or she probably doesn’t expect much from you anymore, they’d be happy with a pizza delivery and a quickie before bed. If he or she is just a crush, then stop waiting, pull out your phone and give them a call. Don’t really give them the option to deny your invitation. Don’t hold a gun to their head or anything, but make it clear that you’ll give them a night they’ll never forget. Assuming you’re not a CS major, an actual gun will not be necessary. Once the date is in the bag, figure out where you two will go to get a bite to eat. Luckily, Green Street boasts many restaurants to satisfy any cravings you two may have, as long as those cravings include grease and melted cheese. But, realistically, many of them will be packed the night of Valentine’s Day so either make reservations (lame!) or have a few back-up plans. An excellent, sometimes overlooked, restaurant for this holiday is Torticas. They have four different types of guacamole! Four! If your date isn’t excited for that, then dump them right at the door and enjoy all four by yourself. If this cuisine doesn’t appeal to you, head down the street to Chopstix. Nothing says, “Stay and enjoy your night!” like

a small takeout restaurant with two and a half tables. Maybe you could even call them ahead and have them bake a special message into your date’s fortune cookie, like, “I wonton to touch you on your penis.” If you still have room after dinner, treat your date to dessert. Sure, there’s always Cold Stone Creamery or Cocomero, but go the extra mile and do something original. Fat Sandwich has scrumptious bacon cheeseburgers tucked between glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts that just scream “delicacy.” While you’re there, order a side of hash browns and a breakfast wrap, wink, and say, “Can’t wait for you to make more of these in the morning.” Chicks dig this. Once the food fest is over, it’s not time to call it a night just yet. Find some fun activity to keep the successful evening rolling. The Illini Union offers sick cosmic bowling for only a few bucks every Thursday and Saturday night. And since Valentine’s Day falls on a Thursday this year, it’s like it was made to be! When your frames are finished and you’re all sweaty from a few spontaneous rounds of DDR, cool off outside near the Eternal Flame. Share a passionate kiss on its bench. It’ll be a completely private and intimate moment; no one else knowns about this spot, and absolutely no one knows that it’s the perfect location for a little rim job action. If you’re lucky enough to bring your date home at the end of your sensual evening, make sure you do whatever it takes to seal the deal. Ending a Valentine’s Day without banging one out makes all of your efforts completely pointless. It’s equivalent to a night spent jerking off to a Here Comes Honey Boo Boo marathon while your other hand is stuck in a bag of Werther’s caramels. Light some candles, turn on Usher

Pandora, and whisper into your lover’s ear, “I hope you’re as easy to get in to as Parkland,” and get to humpin’. If this plan doesn’t work, nothing will. After climaxing, pick up the phone and call Insomnia Cookies. Share a few Chocolate Chunks with your two-pump hunk to let him know he’s the only one for you. Dating in Champaign is a whirlwind experience. With so many bars and drunken encounters, you might run into a few bad eggs. But when you finally find “the one” in our lovely campustown, you need to pull out all the stops and plan a kick ass Valentine’s Day for your googly bear. And before you decide to stay in that night, remember there’s someone out there for everyone. Give that scary, grunting bum who always stands outside of Subway a little lovin’ this V-Day.

Desperate and Needy: The Quest for a Valentine Agnes Winifred Baxter wrote this February 14th is my own personal nightmare, though the day itself isn’t that bad. In past years I have trapped myself in my bedroom, pulled the blinds, masturbated with my left hand and drank wine with the right. The worst part of Valentine’s Day are the days leading up to it. They cause much anxiety, desperation, and occasional homosexual tendencies. This year will be different though! I will get a valentine, and he will make this the best Valentine’s Day ever! I went out last night not looking for just anyone; I was looking for a valentine. I was wearing my least floody Hot Topic pants and the striped button up my mother got me for Christmas. I even put a little perfume on and combed my hair because that always seems to work on TV. It seemed like boys were also on the prowl for valentines last night because I received three over-the-shirt boob gropes within the first half hour. One guy even asked me to come home with him, I said no because I’m looking for the real thing. Also, he kind of smelled like pubic crabs. I had the real thing once. His name was Sven, and we met on Second Life, the online virtual world. I was a tattoo artist with an exceptional body, and he was a bulky backup dancer with an eating disorder. We met in a chat room for body dimorphism, and things got real steamy when we exchanged emails. Some of the emoticons he sent me were a bit raunchy; I liked it. Come to think of it, I should see what Sven is doing for Valentine’s Day. After all, we never did meet in person. I bet we could really hit it off. Since the only emails I ever get back from Sven are about some Nigerian prince who needs money, I decided to text every guy in my phone book. I sent, “Hey, I was just wondering if you had plans for Valentine’s Day?? If you don’t, I would really like to spend some time together. I really am a sweet girl, and I would really like to get to know you better through romance!!!!!!!!” Out of the 24 guys in my phone I received “Who is this?” 15 times, 2 no’s, and the rest didn't respond. I think the exclamation points may have been an overkill. Turning to the digital world for a valentine was my first mistake. I decided to make heart-shaped sugar cookies and put my own personal messages on them, unique for each guy I was giving them to. I bought red frosting and wrote original messages like “I can see into your apartment building” and “You will be mine or else.”

Apparently my homemade valentines were seen as threatening. The cheap frosting dried like blood and my romantic Valentine’s Day gift turned into two restraining orders. The police didn’t think that following boys to find out where they live so I could give them gifts was romantic. They must not have wives. I don’t get how they couldn’t appreciate all the work I put into it. My cousin Logan from the South messaged me on Facebook today. He heard I was having trouble finding a valentine and said if I still needed one he was available. He told me that we were second cousins so it really isn’t a big deal and that he always liked me for my willingness to try new things. I turned down Logan and decided that I’m going to give it one last try. On Valentine’s Day I will stand on the street in a banana costume with a sign that says, “Will buy you alcohol for a handy j.” The perfect Valentine’s Day gift. However, I’m not 21 yet, so there is a slight flaw in my plan. But if I can get someone else to rub me off for once, then I’m going to consider that a great success.

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love in the time of mardi gras Milo Croyd wrote this The moment I laid eyes on her I knew it could never work. My friends said things like, “Dude, she’s like, way older than you,” and, “She has blood on her lips. Dude, she has blood, like, coming out of her mouth.” And you know what? They were right. However, nothing could ever stop me from falling in love with my soulmate. My sweet angel woman. My dear Celibacy Roxxxane Storm. Her breath smelled of the finest cigarettes one could purchase on an escort’s tip salary. Her teeth were like kernels of harvest corn glimmering in the hot October sun. She had a distinguished gait, and walked like nothing in the room could harm her. It must have had something to do with the sizable varicose vein or her long history of reverse-digesting cucumber-sized Lincoln logs every Saturday night. Whatever it was that initially struck me, I knew that Celibacy was my dream woman, and was most definitely the most beautiful woman in all of New Orleans for Mardi Gras 2013. My friends and I had been partying for three days straight, and had reached the climax of our Mardi Gras experience at a bar called Muriel’s. Unless you were there you wouldn’t believe the amount of beautiful women in attendance. There were beads flying around faster than you can say “Pediculosis Pubis-infected landing strips,” and the liquor seemed to be pouring out of holes in the wall. In the insanity, I found myself thinking one thing: This wasn’t doing anything for me. I needed something more. After three days of sexual chaos, the standard beautiful woman seemed uninteresting. I needed someone with pizzazz; someone with spice. My friends and I stayed in the bar until closing. The street we walked on was littered with degenerates and drunks. People were sleeping in the gutter and making love on the sidewalk. To be honest, it made me feel lonely. On our way back to the hotel we passed a hot dog vendor and I ordered myself a foot-long.

I was walking and applying the relish on my monster wiener that I tripped on something in the middle of the street and dropped my hotdog. I initially thought it was a discarded sack of yellow onions, due to the unsettling smell and patches of dirt encompassing it. However, I was proven wrong when the most beautiful face I had ever seen emerged from the sack. “URGHW! You woke me up you son of a...” The voice stopped as our eyes met. “Y...you woke me up from a most terrible dream, darling, into a much better one. Say, is this your hotdog?” “Yes gorgeous, it is,” I said as she picked up the hotdog, picked off the glass and band-aids, and put the entire thing into her mouth. “What is the name of this beautiful thing that lies before me?” I asked. “Storm. Celibacy Roxxxane Storm,” She said with a wink. “Say, you got any glass?” I didn’t hear what she said, as I was lost in her bileencrusted locks, so I simply responded in the positive. “Come with me,” she said. She took me by the hand and led me to an Audi which was parked in a garage. “Is his your car?” I asked. “Something like that,” she said as she broke the driver-side window with her elbow and unlocked the door. And then we banged. We did it all. The flying banana spider, the reverse elephant crawl, the upside-down clap-closet tornado, the corn husker, the flaming clamcave excavation, the Irish mork bonker, the Pasadena mudslide, and I even had a chance to double-dip the jiggle stick. She opened me up to a world which I never knew existed, and I would be damned if I would let society tell me that this love was forbidden.

As we were cleaning the stick shift I asked her something which had been on my mind the entire time, “Celibacy, will I ever see you again?” “Darling,” she replied, “You know that society could never allow this.” “But...I love you,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “Oh, Milo. That’s wonderful. Go and love some more,” she said and gave me a kiss. I have not washed that taste of tonsil stones and chewing tobacco out of my mouth. I never saw her again after that. She told me that somebody named “Big Ray” was going to be very upset if she didn’t leave. This Valentine’s Day, when all of you are having fun, I will not be going out with a young woman, I will be staying at home, thinking of that one perfect day in New Orleans. Hoping only to happen upon a sack of yellow onions in a couple weeks at Mardi Gras 2013.

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The

Top 10

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Things to Send Your Ex on Valentine'’s Day

So you just broke up with your significant other. Maybe they were your high school sweetheart or just some rando from class. Either way, the bitter taste of betrayal has you seeking revenge this Valentine’s Day. Here are the top gifts to send your ex to make sure he or she gets the message. 10.) The Relationship Box: Six months of worthless ticket stubs and old love letters have been sitting in your closet for too long now, along with the teddy bear you “had to have.” Return that shit before you start to get all sentimental when the “big day” rolls around. May we suggest arranging it on their lawn for a public display? 9.) Bumper Sticker that Reads “Small Penis Onboard”: While you were dating, you’d never want to tell your man that his package would be a small parcel by UPS standards. You played it off like it was the biggest you’ve ever seen, while still trying to convince yourself that you were happy with that three-inch thunder. Thankfully, you don’t have to pretend any longer. Let the world know what he’s (not) packing. 8.) Any Dessert-Flavored Bottle of Burnett’s: At first, it may seem like a nice, cheap gesture. Who wouldn’t accept free booze? In actuality, there’s nothing worse than dessert Burnett’s. Maybe it’s the pungent, gasoline-laced alcohol or the artificial cupcake flavor that gets us, we don’t know. What we do know is they’ll have their head in the toilet by the end of the night causing a shitty hangover the next morning. Cheers to no longer having to babysit that bitch!

if you give new orleans

a superdome

tbs staff wrote this If you give New Orleans a Superdome, it’s going to want to have a Super Bowl. It’s going to get so excited about having a Super Bowl that it will want to make tickets. So you’re going to need to go out and get all of the paper and the ink so that tickets can be made. New Orleans will cut all the paper, write out every single ticket for weeks on end, and make sure every one of them is perfectly printed. Once New Orleans makes all the tickets, it’s going to need to clean up the mess that the ink made. But once it gets started cleaning, it’s not going to want to stop. After all, the Superdome has to be spotless in order to have a Super Bowl there. So, you’re going to need to go get more cleaning supplies. New Orleans is going to scrub the Superdome from top to bottom, not missing a single centimeter as it goes. It’s going to take pride in how shiny and perfect everything is. As soon as the Superdome is clean, New Orleans is going to realize that people will make messes during the Super Bowl with all the food they’ll eat. You’ll have to go to the store to help New Orleans buy all the food for the concessions, and napkins too, because after all, it did just clean the Superdome. Napkins are to the Super Bowl as sketchy vibes are to Baltimore. After all the food has been purchased and prepared, New Orleans is going to realize there will need to be fans in the stands to eat. So, you need to run around the country with New Orleans in order to make sure there are enough fans to fill the whole Superdome. As soon as that’s done, New Orleans is going to realize that if it has enough fans there, they’ll need teams to cheer for. So you’re going to have to help New Orleans pick out which teams are playing. After much consternation and debate, New Orleans decided that the Ravens and the 49ers were an all right pick, primarily because nobody else was available.

After the teams have been regretfully settled on, New Orleans is going to want to plan a halftime show. New Orleans, understandably so, is a huge fan of Beyoncé, so you’re going to have to help New Orleans personally contact her. Obviously a phone call wouldn’t be sufficient, so New Orleans will want you to help it get a first class ticket to visit Beyoncé and ask her in person. Once she has agreed to do the halftime show, New Orleans is going to be distraught over the stage situation. It’s going to want this to be the best halftime show in the history of forever, so naturally it’s going to need your help to build a stage with all the bells and whistles. So you have to go to the hardware store to get all the supplies, and then you’ll have to help build the stage. As soon as everything is built, New Orleans is going to be as excited as Ray Lewis after the plea agreement. So excited, in fact, that it overlooks the fact that you’re going to need an inhuman amount of electricity to ensure that everything will work properly. The day of the Super Bowl, New Orleans is happy with everything, from food to Beyoncé. Just as the half time show is about to begin, an electricity problem occurs in New Orleans. So, you’re going to need to help it brainstorm where you’ll find the extra electricity required to run the half time show. New Orleans thinks that it’s probably wisest to kill the lights. At first, New Orleans is upset about it, because the people in the stands don’t look too pleased. But you reassure it that it’s not that big of a deal, because nobody really cares about these teams anyways. After the power outage was fixed and the Super Bowl was over, New Orleans decided that next year there would need to be an even bigger Super Bowl. New Orleans will want to make it the best Super Bowl ever to make up for this one, so it’s going to want a new Superdome.

7.) Male Stripper: This only works if your ex is a straight male. Hire a male stripper to go to his house and give a little Valentine’s Day performance. If you can, try to find one who doubles as a drag queen. The more surprises the better! 6.) Subscription to a Pornographic Magazine: So your ex was in to some freaky shit when you were dating? Why not let his coworkers or neighbors know? Sign him up for some messed up porn mags and have ‘em sent to his work or neighbor’s house on accident. He’s going to have a tough time explaining when “Amputee Midgets Monthly” arrives with the mail. 5.) An Ad on Craigslist: Surely your ex is going to be lonely on V-Day, so get a personal ad out there for her! People on Craigslist are always willing to fulfill whatever freaky needs your ex may require. “Top seeking bottom,” “Armpit fetish looking for straight female,” you get the point. Let your creativity run wild. 4.) Text Messages, Voicemails, Emails, Oh My!: We’re sure there are some things left unsaid between you and your ex. Just let the word vomit flow and spam the hell out of him or her. Of course, if you don’t want to look like a complete psycho, you can always just give their number and email address to a bunch of spam websites. 3.) Box of Chocolate… Laxatives: A subtle way of telling your ex that they’re full of shit. You could even go the extra mile and put laxatives in actual chocolate to make it even more of a surprise when they get that urge to go during class. He’ll be reenacting Red Lion Poop Girl in no time. Welcome to the Internet, buddy!

2.) Mix CD of Every Taylor Swift Song: The respect for the Queen of Bad Break-Ups has gone downhill since her recent album, kind of like your relationship after that one night at Joe’s! Songs like “Picture to Burn” and “Mean” will show your ex just how over them you are. Make sure you include “We are Never Ever Getting Back Together” to really drive the point home. ‘Cause you guys aren’t getting back together …like, ever. 1.) Flowers: But not just any flowers! Get them flowers from dirtyrottenflowers.com. For a reasonable price, they’ll send your ex a decomposing, grotesque bouquet. It’s a nice way to show someone that you truly don’t care anymore and an even better way to say, “Thanks for nothing, have some thorns.”

sammie sea wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Valentine Economics mad max wrote this

With Valentine’s Day approaching, every male, female and waiter knows what this means. Some serious cash is about to be dropped. This presents a logical problem for the men around campus: “How can I impress my sexual counterpart when all of my money has been spent on drugs and alcohol?” This conundrum has plagued man (those with phalluses as opposed to the general mankind) for centuries. Ever since St. Valentine wanted people to get married and only have sex with one another for the rest of their lives, those with significant others have been paying dues. The Roman Emperor Claudius II caught on to St. Valentine (then known as Mr. Valentine) and immediately ordered that he be beaten to death. Seriously. Claudius II may have seen the troubles coming to the future of man, but it did little to stop the most expensive date night of the year. A fine home-cooked meal is a typical favorite for the broke and degenerate. This works fine if one’s girlfriend is either A) awesome or B) foolishly naïve. “Home cooked meal” is code for the cheaper of two grocery items. That spice rack may be able to perform some Gandalf-level tricks, but her rack will stay off limits if her boyfriend is unable to pull off an impressive evening. Unfortunately, the thought does not always count. For the more materialistic, they’ll want some big-ticket items. Since guessing their dress size is about as dangerous as sticking one’s head into a lion’s mouth in order to count their teeth, don’t suggest going on a shopping spree with them. Jewelry is usually the best course of action. However, diamonds are beyond the depth of the typical college wallet. Besides, spring break is only a few months away and just because you're tied down it doesn't mean you can’t enjoy some eye candy. Save the big bucks and buy something simple at the local jewelry

shop. If you can find a box from a big name brand, use it. It’s not lying if the other person assumes. While the Champaign campus has an impressive amount of bars, there is not much else to do on campus. There are no nearby movie theaters, dance halls, or arcades. All the essential hot spots of eighties romance films have died out, leaving little to do but eat and drink. While Chipotle would be an excellent choice for a regular night, this is Valentine’s Day. It’s not necessarily the price, but there should be a tablecloth and a service staff. It’s not wrong for a girl to want to feel pampered or a boy to try and get laid. For the gentleman, try to steer the “Where should we make reservations?” conversations towards somewhere more affordable. For the ladies, the decision making power will tip in your direction if you have the conversation topless. Then there's the question of where to drink. Both of you probably look your best so it may be tempting to go to the bars. Be careful though, as the bars are very good at draining wallets. At the same time, they will be crowded with the drunk, horny and desperate. Stable relationship partners are hard to find and it’s been a while since the two of you have navigated the bars single. A smooth talker or the right look from across the bar has been known to cause a few to wander off. The logical answer is to drink back at the apartment. If restricted to his or her dorm, just choose the one that will be easier to kick the other roommate out. Make sure to break out the nice bottles and glasses. Unless in a polygamous relationship, our hat is off to you by the way, the two of you should remain in the confines of one big bottle. Meanwhile, spill secrets, whisper sweet nothings, get into something a little more comfortable and see if you can wake up the neighbors.

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4 Beers and 7 Shots Ago...

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Mardi Gras Friday & Saturday (And Fat Tuesday, Feb. 12th) $2.50 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Bacardi Hurricanes

Sunday Night's Show OWL CITY with ECHOSMITH

WEDNESDAY 2/6

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THURSDAY 2/7

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

SATURDAY: MARDI GRAS! Everyone Gets Beads! WIN A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS!

Saturday Beat Kitchen Brass Band, $5 Come celebrate Mardi Gras! Music Starts at 9:30pm

ZOSO : Led Zeppelin Tribute (Early Show!) OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW (Late Show!)

$2 LONG ISLANDS!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

COSBY SWEATER with DJ TINA HONG and SEVLO

DOLLAR WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else

Jill Andrews, $10 w/ Cole Rabenort and Vivian McConnell | Shows Starts at 8:30

FRIDAY 2/8

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

COREY SMITH with ADAM EZRA GROUP

Friday After Class! $1 DRAFTS! Happy Hour Food Specials 5-9pm $3 Pizzas - $3 Nachos! $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA $3 JAGER BOMBS

DJ Wesjile/DJ Kow No Cover Before Midnight!

SATURDAY 2/9

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

KELLER WILLIAMS with SUN STEREO

MARDI GRAS! Everyone Gets Beads! WIN A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS!

Beat Kitchen Brass Band, $5 Come celebrate Mardi Gras! Music Starts at 9:30pm

OWL CITY with ECHOSMITH

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

$2 Wells

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

Fat Tuesday WINE NIGHT! Everyone Gets Beads Win A Trip to Las Vegas! $8 Bottles of Wine $2 Wells - $2 Goose 312 Btls

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

$2 LONG ISLANDS!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

SUNDAY 2/10

Closed

MONDAY 2/11

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

TUESDAY 2/12

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

WEDNESDAY 2/13

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Live Music by A COOL HAND after 11pm $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street SATURDAY: MARDI GRAS Everyone Gets Beads! Person with the most beads WINS A Trip to New Orleans! $3 Jameson - $3 Rumple $7 Bud Light Pitchers

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

WEDNESDAY 2/6

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

R.R.'s Anniversary Week $2 UV Vodka in the 16oz Keeper Cup! Karaoke at 10pm! $1 SHOTS!, $2 Sailor Jerry

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

WEDNESDAYS: Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

THURSDAY: $2 Bud Lt Drafts $2 Jager Bombs $5 YARDS of Gatorade 1/2 Price Burgers

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Woodchucks Check out our seasonal food specials

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 2/7

6pm ILLINI vs #1 Indiana R.R.'s Anniversary Week Half Price Whiskey!!, $2 Evan Williams, $2 Jack & Jameson Blackhawks vs Phoenix 8pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS!

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

$2 Bud Lt Drafts $2 Jager Bombs $5 YARDS of Gatorade 1/2 Price Burgers

FRIDAY 2/8

Friday After Class! $1 O'Fallons DRAFTS, $3.99 Haus Fries, $5 Bud Light 40's 7pm Minute to Win It!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$2 Cheese Fries, $4 Mozz Sticks All happy hour long!

SATURDAY 2/9

MARDI GRAS Everyone Gets Beads! Person with the most beads WINS A Trip to New Orleans! $3 Jameson - $3 Rumple $7 Bud Light Pitchers

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJ Matrix! Spend your Saturday at Highdive!

$6 Lunch Box Pitchers 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels

SUNDAY 2/10

Illinois vs Minnesota 5pm BLACKHAWKS vs PREDATORS at 7pm $2 Anything in the Haus!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

25% off all appetizers $6.95 Spazzle and Fries

MONDAY 2/11

Team Trivia Night! Compete Weekly to Win Great Prizes including a $500 Best Buy GC at Finals! $3 Any Import/Craft Beer HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinums $2 Blue Kamikazes

TUESDAY 2/12

Time Warp... FAT TUESDAY! Everyone Gets Beads! Win a Trip to LAS VEGAS! Hurricane Shark Bowls HAWKS vs DUCKS 7:30pm Win Hawks Tickets!

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Tequila Tuesday $2 Cuervo Shots and Sunrises 8th Grade Dance Party!

WEDNESDAY 2/13

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! ILLINI vs PURDUE 7pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S SATURDAY: Mardi GRAS Party! $2 Bacardi Drinks & Hurricanes Prizes for Most Beads & Boa Dance

THURSDAY: MEME GLASS NIGHT! Collect Them All!

MONDAY! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger, $2.00 Blue Moon, $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles, Karaoke @ 10

Mardi Gras Monday Fat Tuesday Style! $1 U CALL IT! Win a Private Party!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls and Contests $2 Bud Black Crown $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 2/6

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

ILL v Ind. 6pm Free Shuttle to the Game! $1.00 Wells

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $3 Tullamore Dew Shots $2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THURS. 2/7

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

4 Beers and 7 Shots Ago...

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

DJ Dash Spinning the Night! $2.50 Captain Morgan & Cuervo $2 Orchata & Doctor Shots $3 Lite 24oz Bottles Captain Girls 11pm

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jim Beam

FRI. 2/8

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Mardi GRAS Party $2 Bacardi Drinks & Hurricanes Prizes for Most Beads & Boa Dance

Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt $2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR PARTY! and Frat Potion Night! $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bacardi $1 Burnett's VODKA!

SAT. 2/9

$2 U Call Its

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

SUN. 2/10

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Mardi Gras Monday Fat Tuesday Style! $1 U CALL IT! Win a Private Party!

MON. 2/11

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Fat Tuesday Country Nite $1.50 Lite Drafts. $3 Blue Guys Pinnacle Vodka Girls

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.25 All Other Drafts

$2.00 Tall Boy Cans / Orachata & Dr. Shots, $4.50 Jim Beam Doubles

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 2/12

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Girls and Contests $2 Bud Black Crown $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 2/13

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

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page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Blackout Barbie

Bartender nickname: The (Reverse) Cowgirl

Favorite drink: The Peppers Special (whiskey ginger)

Favorite drink: Blow job

Relationship status: Empty net

Relationship status: Debatable

Craziest thing someone’s said to you while bartending: “Can I get a cup of waters?” – Jake Annala

Worst nightmare: Waking up next to a Cochrane bar employee

Celebrity you want to bang: Robert Downey Jr.

Craziest place you’ve had sex: McDonald’s PlayPlace

Dream super power: X-Ray vision, you know what I’m talking about ;)

Cartoon character you would hook up with: T.J. from Recess

Secret fetish: Hands down… Footjobs

Sexual fantasy: Eiffel tower with the homeless guy outside of Murphy’s and Randy the taxi driver

Favorite movie: Anchorman… You stay classy, Champaign

bri m.

white horse inn

theblacksheeponline.com

Craziest place you’ve had sex: Behind the bar… on the clock Would you rather get pooped on or poop on someone: If girls pooped, both at the same time

Biggest turn on: A Fu-Manchu

lena s.

kam's

Biggest turn off: Missionary Biggest secret: I stuff my bra

the drinking game:

recipe for disaster:

Hockey fans everywhere are boozing hard and celebrating the end of the lockout. At the same time, the bandwagon fans are still asking what a lockout is. Pregaming with some puck guarantees a great night.

Everyone has experienced that awful moment at the pregame when you realize you brought the booze but forgot the chaser. Forget the two liter of Sprite and add some sweet flavor to your cheap, crappy vodka in a different way. Cavity vodka is a great way to get rid of that Burnett’s laying in your freezer you have yet to have the desire to drink or even look at.

What You’ll Need: A fifth and a case for every 2-3 players. Number of Players: As many as you can find who truly like hockey. So, not many. Level of Intoxication: You’ll have a nice buzz on before the last one sounds.

What You’ll Need: A handle of plain Burnett’s or any cheap vodka and a bag of your favorite kind of fruity or sour candies (Skittles, Sour Patch Kids, Mike and Ikes, Starburst). Cook Time: At least 24 hours. Be patient. Fatty Factor: Won’t cause you any heart attacks, but you should probably visit your dentist soon.

How To Play: - Take a shot of beer for every offside or icing call. - Beer bong or shotgun a beer for every fight. - Chug five seconds for every minute of penalty. - Take a shot at the end of every period. - Take a shot of beer for every shot on goal. - Take a shot for every goal. - Take two shots for every time the goalie accidentally knocks the puck in. - Take a shot for every goal your team won or lost by.

Let’s Get Baked: - Place the candy at the bottom of a large container or sort out evenly into smaller containers. - Pour vodka into the containers over the candy, leaving at least three inches at the top. - Shake the container well. - Let the container sit for at least a day; however, you will get better results if you let it sit longer, but no longer than one week. - Shake the container once in awhile so the candies’ flavors can continue to mix well with the vodka. - Drink up!

Pregame With Some Puck

The Game Ends When: When the game ends. Duh.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Cavity Vodka

The only restriction is not to use any chocolate candies. That’s just gross, man.

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booze of the week

page 17

Booze Review: Cabin Fever Maple Flavored Whisky | grade: d Overview: You could say our staff has been on a bit of a maple kick lately, with us recently reviewing Crown Royal Maple Whisky. We should have stopped while we were ahead. Cabin Fever makes you wish you stayed locked up in your apartment and never ventured to the liquor store at all. History: Rob Robillard, self-proclaimed electronics wizard, traveled the world for years attempting to sell useless inventions like automatic shoe-tiers and hair-combers. Basically anything that a lazy fat man would love to own. After repeated failure and little to no sales, Rob turned to alcohol to ease the pain. He used this as an opportunity to taste the local spirits and learn about alcohol manufacturing. When he returned to his New England home, he was instantly greeted by the maple-scented air, and his stomach began to growl. “There, there, Tum-Tum. I have just the thing.” After devouring the cornish game hen his wife was saving for dinner, Rob went into his basement and quickly constructed a state of the art distillery kit with the help of Wikipedia, some chewed Big Red gum, and popsicle sticks. He went back outside, drained the maple tree forest behind his house of all its sap, and began to concoct his own maple whisky. Except his lack of skills and proper equipment left the drink more like thick, condensed soup than liquid. He bottled up the beverage and shared it with his closest family and friends, leaving the biggest bottles for his grubby little hands and greedy mouth.

His relatives, in fear of Rob becoming angry and devouring them whole, agreed with him that his maple whisky was the best thing they had ever tasted. They even went as far as to convince him to sell it in stores. Rob happily obliged, wanting anything to make him feel more like a successful entrepreneur instead of a total screw-up. Typical Drinkers: Rob Robillard and friends. That’s it. User Comments: “Ew, ok, no. Does Piccadilly have a return policy?” “I plan on having this with my pancakes and sausage tomorrow morning.” “This tastes like sweat and failed dreams.” “You mixed it with lemonade? Interesting…” Conclusion: Considering many of our drinkers couldn’t finish their glass, we would suggest to stray away from this one. It’s far too sweet and thick to be an enjoyable beverage, even when mixed. Plus, the company’s website shows it being made by an obese man in the middle of the forest. That’s a little offputting. It doesn’t get an “F” rating because at least it’s alcohol.

Best Mixer: diet coke • Worst Mixer: lemonade

! I N I L L I E H T N O R E E COME CH

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Love Stain: Dating Advice with Retired Porn Actress Edith Sugarplum tex mex wrote this Well, hellooo my little lovebirds and sexual deviants! This is Edith Sugarplum -- or as my twenty-two grandchildren like to call me, Granny Sugsug – reporting in to answer all of your questions and concerns, from hard to limp, regarding the wonderful world of courtship, romance, and BDSM. With a career spanning over six decades in the adult industry, I can assure you all that no problem is too big to mount and ride out the storm. So please, young whip-snappers, send me your all of your love life’s trials and tribulations to sugartits69@sbcglobal. net (I’m updating my contact info for you technical wiz kids out there!)

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What's your Valentine's Day wish? "To have someone else kick Hayden Johnson’s ass." - Jake A., Senior

Hey Edith. There’s this girl I really want to take out on a date, but I’m way too scared to talk to her. I’m a really nice guy, smart, and I enjoy the occasional rom-com. What should I do? Well, sonny, looks like she’s quite the catch if she’s got the attention of a chipper young lad like yourself! This actually reminds me of a time back in ’36 when I was starring my first role in King Dong: The 8-Inch Wonder of the World. A veteran male actor at the time, Skips McManhandle, thought I was the cat’s pajamas after our scene together when Dong meets the girl for the first time in his dungeon of prehistoric erotica. Skips was a man of great culture and prestige such as yourself, and he sure knew the best way to my heart, which was consequently through my lady parts. So, I’d say go straight to foreplay. Politely asking this gal out for dinner and a movie is one thing, but can the latest Gerard Butler romance bring a girl to climax? Probably so. But I’m sure she’d appreciate it if you beat that hunk out to it. Hi Edith! My husband is convinced that missionary is the best (and only) position for him. What are some ways that I can spice up our time in the bedroom? Honey, you’ve come to the right 16-time AVN-nominated former adult actress if you need tips on how to branch out from that dreaded position (the missionary is a man’s way of saying that he doesn’t trust in your sexual prowess). Why, back in ’44 when I was in the American propaganda film The Girls Back Home: We Can DO It!, I engaged in enough three-way magic to outweigh every single fingering pattern of a violin trio. Try any of the following and your man will either be begging you for more dominance in bed, or writhing in scrotal pain if you perform any of these acts incorrectly, as they require all the finesse of an erotic trapeze artist: The Rusty Foghorn, The MorallyEnraged Ostrich, The F.D.R. (works better if you’re already in a 4-term commitment), The Jetlagged Jig, and Reverse Cowgirl. Help! I feel incredibly distanced from my girlfriend as of late, and neither of us talk much anymore to one another. What’s going on, Edith? Schnookum, in relationships, it’s all about communication. Think about how many acting mishaps I could have had if I wasn’t listening to my counterparts telling me “Wait, hold on, that really hurts,” or if I wasn’t retorting with, “OH, GOD YES,

TAKE IT!” You need to let your girl know that she’s special to you, and that no amount of obscure, arguably-legal internet porn is going to get between you and her. Start with simple gestures when you both get home like “How was your day?” or even a “Let’s just cuddle and talk about our lives tonight!” Once you’ve re-established that level of basic communication, you should feel comfortable with moving onto mid-day texts like “I’m imagining you, me, and a whopping slab of meat ;)” and “I’m thinking of you and me–dressed as a porterhouse and an Italian sausage, respectively. Thoughts? ;D” At least, I think these should work. They definitely did for my first MILF flick back in ’70 entitled Stepmoms Working in Meat Packing Plants 5. Edith, I’m going through a divorce and my ex took everything from me. How can I reassess my finances and not lose every penny to my name? Oh dearie, I think you may have written to the wrong advice column, but I suppose I can give it a shot based on my later ‘88 smut-hit Ball Street: Tangible Net Girth. I would recommend reviewing your 401(k) as a means of assuring that you’re keeping your life insurance policies well intact for the fallout of the separation. Check into getting deductions toward your alimony so you can alleviate any notions of your ex-spouse passing on more marital debt (if applicable) to another party. If you’ve filed for a joint tax return, it may prove difficult to eliminate any other credit cards problems and financial commitments consented under both your names. Also, get checked for STDs. If there’s one thing that being in the porn industry for over 60 years can teach you, it’s that a herpes/hep/gonorrhea combo is not as enticing as it sounds.

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continued from the cover “But, you just said…” “I said right now I can’t give you a passing grade and that I called you here so we could take care of this problem.” She stood and walked slowly towards the door. The way she walked reminded him of his girlfriend. Her movements were smooth and sultry. “I can give you the iClicker points if you’re able to make up for your missed participation.” With her back to Jerry, she caressed the doorknob. “Class participation pleases me, and you failed to participate. Now you’re going to have to please me in some other way.” She locked the door and turned to face Jerry. She walked towards him, taking off her glasses and placing them on the nearest desk. Her long eyelashes fluttered. She drew close to his chair and slowly ran her fingers through his hair. “You’re gonna help me out tonight, and then your problem will be gone with one click of the mouse.” Jerry felt his face getting warm and knew he was turning bright red. Before speaking, he swallowed hard and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, “Mrs. J, I ... I umm, I think you’re great and all, but if you’re saying what I think you’re saying, I can’t. I have a girlfriend. If she found out, she’d tell her mom, and I’d be dead. Her mom’s insane. She hasn’t even let me meet her.” Mrs. J ignored his concerns and put a hand on his thigh. “You have a girlfriend, and I have a husband. But don’t worry, Mr. J is in Boston. I’ve tried to make up for his absence on my own, but it’s not the same. I even tried using one of those iClickers. I bet your little girlfriend wouldn’t like it if you couldn’t graduate because you failed my class. So think of this as a good thing. You’re doing this for her.” She undid the top button of her blouse. Jerry looked on with wide eyes and a racing heart. His hands trembled. He took a deep breath and thought to himself, “I’m doing this for her.” It was this night that the hallways of Lincoln Hall echoed the rhythmic sounds of ecstasy from room 169. Mrs. J wasn’t concerned with disturbing the slumbering building. It was this night that iClicker points were restored, giving Jerry Norman a passing grade for Mrs. J’s class.

It was also this night that Jerry Norman returned to his apartment and called his girlfriend. He knew he couldn’t tell her about his late-night academic adventure. “Hey Allie.” “Hi Jerry, how was your day?” He anxiously chewed on his fingernails and responded, “It was fine. Yours?” As she told him all about her day, he opened his laptop and went on Facebook to look at pictures of Allie Jennings. He gradually went through hundreds of Allie’s photos, trying to block out the memory of his meeting at Lincoln Hall. She talked about working on her group project, about getting a new purse, and mostly about her crazy mother. From what little he knew about Allie’s mom, the woman belongs in a mental institution. As they continued to talk, Jerry went further and further into pictures that were taken years ago. Every once in awhile, he saw a familiar looking, thin woman in the photos. He was beginning to grow tired when his ears perked up at something she said. “Wait wait, can you say that again?” “I said I had to go home to watch my little brother because my mom was busy working, and my dad is out of town. He’s trying to make a sale to some client in Boston.” Jerry froze. He flipped back through Allie’s pictures to find the familiar looking woman. He came to a picture with her in it and clicked on her name. It brought him to the Facebook page of Jessica Jennings, a 40-something brunette professor of Political Science at the University of Illinois. Mutual friends? Just one: Allie Jennings. He dropped the phone and ran to the bathroom to puke. As he threw up his dinner, the only flavor he tasted was strawberry. Look for the continuation of this drama in next week’s paper!

Jerry's bangin' the blonde... but who's bangin' jerry?

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how i met your mother ...on facebook graph search. Kids, it was winter of 2013, when I met your mother. After a rough night spent at Cindy’s apartment, I knew the girl I was after, but only had a few clues to track her down. Something about the mystery behind your mom enticed me, we were so compatible, yet I had never met her. I knew she lived in New York, and hoped she was single, but nothing else. It’s an impossible feeling to describe – knowing the love of your life is so close, but impossibly far at the same time. Marshall and Lily were blessed to find each other in their youth, but I was growing older and lonelier by the second. While preparing for yet another night of futile Google and Facebook searches for “Where is the one I love,” “How to avoid being alone forever,” and “I’m all out of love, I’m so lost with out you” Facebook alerted to me to their newest feature: Graph Search. It told me I could find just about anyone based on their interests, who they’re loosely associated with, and where they have been. Kids, there was a light at the end of the tunnel! All I had to do was let Facebook find all the single girls in New York. So, let me tell you how I met your mother…

The glow of my laptop dimmed as did my hopes of finding my future wife. Should I stop here, give up my search, and dig out the naked pictures of Robin I stashed away so many years ago? No! This is the quest for true love. This is the woman I love, the woman who will give me two children, raise them with me until they’re roughly teenagers, then make herself scarce for the next eight years as I tell those children the story of how I met her. She won’t have kids to weigh her down, or an exhusband who will steal her away from me at the altar, and she won’t dress up like a slutty pumpkin and leave me hanging at the same damn Halloween party year after year. I’ve silently waited around for girls my whole life, been the nice guy, done incredibly creepy things for them that seem romantic because I emphasize words like “future” and “fate.” I had to dig into my inner-Mosby mole. I had to find my one true love. That’s it! I know what I should do! I should just search what I like, because my future wife will like all the things I expect her to! Females in New York who are 28, college educated, likes dogs, North Carolina, bass guitar, the New York Times crossword, tennis, old movies, lasagna, Love in the Time of Cholera, Otis Redding, and wants a boy and a girl in the near future.

After sifting through hours worth of girls who just didn’t seem to be the right fit – didn’t feel right in my heart -- I decided I had to narrow it down. But how? How was I ever to find my future wife in the largest city in the world? Then I remembered the three objects I had picked up in Cindy’s apartment in a futile attempt to show her how compatible we were. No longer did I have to find out a person’s interests through actual conversation! No need to hang around local bookstores waiting for a girl to show up and miraculously start proclaiming her love for T.C. Boyle, no need to plan elaborate two minute dates with some girl just to see if they like Star Wars as much as me! All I had to do was lock myself in my room, pop on the perfect song to make an otherwise meaningless moment meaningful, and find my future wife on the computer!

Then, kids, I had a stroke of genius! I added another filter – I’m friends with Cindy and she must be too! So I searched that those girls should be friends, or friends of friends, with Cindy! So there she was, kids. Facebook had led me to your mother. What was going to be another night of dry-pumping and subsequent crying, turned into the night Facebook found me the perfect woman – one who meets and exceeds my excruciatingly high standards. A woman who won’t like me for me, but will like me because she is me.

How am I supposed to find true love in such a wide pool? I must be able to narrow it down, I must dig deeper. There must be more to my true love than these three simple interests. Surely I’ve been interested in people with personalities that take more than three words to describe? If only I had snapped a picture of her ankle then done a reverse image search - No! Get your head straight Mosby!

we interview: justin grant wade We caught up with STEVE HOLT!... er, Justin Grant Wade, the actor who play(s/ed?) Steve Holt in the greatest show in history, Arrested Development. We had a few cocktails and the interview ran long, so be sure to check out the extended version online to see who he thinks is funnier: David Cross or Will Arnett, what the set of Greek was like, and if he ever banged Maeby. By: Quinn The Black Sheep: How long were you an actor before you got the role of Steve Holt? Justin Grant Wade: I started acting after my mom and dad were notified by my baseball coaches (and noticed themselves) how much I was a knucklehead on AND off the baseball field growing up. My mom decided to sign me up for acting class around the age of twelve. It was a summer kids course at the South Coast Repertory. I was terrified at first but then quickly adapted and continued to take classes there for many years. After that, I attended the Orange County High School of the Arts in California. That's where I began to grow and appreciate the arts. I didn't start "professionally" acting, though, until the age of 14 or 15. And by that I mean going out for TV shows and movies, having a manager and agent and whatnot. TBS: What was the audition process? Did they just ask you to say “Steve Holt!” Or did you have more lines? JGW: Funny story. Life comes around, man. I got the call from the casting director from Arrested. They were having trouble casting the role. A casting director that had worked with the casting of Frasier and many other shows I had auditioned for mentioned my name. She had seen me in a production at South Coast Repertory (that's why I never knock theater!). They had already had four or five audition rounds when I showed up. It came down to a short brown haired kid with a mop top, about a 6'5" Asian fellow in a varsity jacket, and me. You could hear everyone’s reading through the walls but of course couldn't see. Pretty much everything you see in “Bringing Up Buster” from season one was read. It seemed as though there wasn't a lot of laughing. I went last. Six people looking at me. Never met ‘em before that day. All of a sudden I'm doing my read and they're laughing - even after the audition. We said our goodbyes and a LONG 3 days of anticipation later, I had the part. The industry's funny like that. TBS: What are some projects you're working on right now? JGW: Right now I'm continuing to audition and keep on acting. I’ve been working on some writing stuff with some buddies of mine. They're in the industry, and kind of all over the place so it's fun to have actors, writers, dp's, directors and producers all coming together to write and they all have something else to bring to the table. But until then, the new Arrested project is a big goal and that's fine with me. TBS: How did the Save Steve Holt campaign begin, and where has it gone since? Has it been successful? JGW: I guess I have to start with the latter of the questions. I do know what will be going on with Steve Holt. UNFORTUNATELY, myself, and you included my dear friend Quinn, will be kept from knowing. Think of it as we're the rubber suit guys from American Horror Story and we can't unzip our creepy fetish shit until May. The SSH campaign pretty much began as a joke with my buddy Robert Adamson. He's a fantastic visual/artistic designer and fan of Arrested. He REALLY wanted to get me back on the show at all costs, so he designed the site with our buddy Nick Blancharte. I pretty much sat in the wings while they created t-shirt designs, an entire website, art pieces, business cards, etc... It was crazy. All of a sudden, I wake up one morning and he's texting me that we've already been in the Huffington Post, CNN, and a bunch others. Our Facebook fans shot from 60 or so to 2,000. The web can be nutty sometimes. None of us expected that. Next thing you know we're shipping t-shirts from AZ to NY to Australia. TBS: I imagine people constantly shout "Steve Holt" at you, what's the most awkward encounter you've had with a "STEVE HOLT!" fan? JGW: The funniest would have to be on a treadmill at the gym one time with my gal pal, Brooke. We were finishing up a good work out and we hear something. She said, "Did someone just yell?" Then we hear it more clearly, “STEVE HOLT!!!!" We turned near the door and there were two dudes with shocked faces that were giggling like little girls. I laughed and waved. They gave me the obligatory "Right on, man!" and quickly bounced. Brooke then turned to me and asked, "Do you know who that was?!" I said, "I don't know. Obviously a big fan of the show!" She laughed and said, "Yeah! But that was (some guy I can't remember his name). He's the one that was obsessed with me and asked me to homecoming like 3 years in a row!" I did remember then, and we had a good laugh. Seeing how we went to high school together. TBS: What was your most memorable on-set moment? JGW: A few good ones – too many to count though. Definitely having the conversation with Alia [Shawkat]’s mom and Michael Cera's mom before I kissed her daughter. Ali's first kiss EVER was Michael. I was 19 or so at the time, and was watching from the back of the auditorium we were filming in, unbeknownst to me that the lovely parents were sitting in the row directly in front of me. They asked, "And who do you play?" I said, "STEVE HOLT!" They laughed and said, "Oh wow. So YOU'RE the one that'll be kissing my little girl! I'm keepin’ an eye on you!" She was of course kidding (but not really) [laughs]. It went off without a hitch and we all know how the kissing cousins ended up... until the new season. See his second favorite moment on theblacksheeponline.com! It has to do with David Cross!

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

community Thursday, February 7th at 8pm on NBC

In the 4th season premiere of the cult show that's on the perpetual verge of cancellation, Community is friggin' back! Dean Pelton (Jim Rash) devises a way for students to compete for class space, while Abed (Danny Pudi) stresses about the study group breaking up after graduation. And lucky for us, Chevy Chase is still in the season (save for two episodes)! #SaveCommunity

Side Effects In theaters february 8th

Life is hard, but prescription drugs make it a lot better. When a woman (Rooney Mara) starts taking them to deal with the anxiety of her sexy husband (Channing Tatum) getting released from jail, she realizes that the side effects of said prescription drugs aren't so much fun. Directed by Steven Soderbergh, this film also stars sexy Jude Law and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Sexy, sexy, sexy.

Azealia Banks - Broke with Expensive Taste Out February 12th

Miss Azealia Banks blew up on the Internet last winter with her single "212," making her memorable with her big smile, pearly whites and slick-witted rhymes. She had been relatively silent since then, but is now breaking out with her debut studio album Broke with Expensive Taste. This'll be the test to see if she's more than just a cute girl in a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt spitting raunchy lyrics.

valentine's cards!

As a child it was hard to tell your crush that you "choo-choo-choose" him, or you want her to "bee yours," but that's why there were cheap, perforated pieces of cardboard to do your work for you. As we've grown, our tastes have changed, but our childish demeanors have remained the same. We wanted these Valentine's Day cards to reflect that.

the madlib: my valentine’s day I may not have a significant other today, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a kick-___1___ Valentine’s Day. For me, it’s just another ___2___ or whatever the hell day it even is. I have my own traditions that I don’t need no ___3___ tearin’ up my ___4___ and shit, not to mention my ___5___ .

I start my day like any normal ___6___ -esque badass like myself would start a day, with a ___7___-wrapped ___8___ and a side of ___9___ chips drizzled with ___10___ , and, for dessert, ___11___ and ___12___ pie. Then I head to my favorite bar, The

___13___ ___14___ . It doesn’t take long before I down a shot or 12 of ___15___ , start groping the ___16___ bartender and shouting on about ___17___ and ___18___ ’s-rights. I end my morning over to the strip club, The ___19___ ___20___. I always get a dance from my girl ___21___ ___22___ , my precious girl. I rarely make it long at the strip club because I’ve never been good at holding my liquor. Good ole’ bouncer ___23___ who could be ___24___ ’s scarier twin gets me a cab, and I make my way home. I roll a fatty of ___25___ , put on some porn, and spend the rest of my day in heaven. I love Valentine’s Day.

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