Illinois Fall Issue 6 - 2/26/12 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 21, Issue 6 9/26/12 - 10/3/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

52 things That Could Be Worse Than Illini Football the black sheep staff wrote this Like any dominant partner in abusive relationship, Illini football got their act together for a little bit before it decided to punch the fanbase straight in the ovaries before kicking it down a flight of stairs. Last Saturday’s 52-24 defeat at the hands of Louisiana Tech was an orchestra of incompetence that Champaign hasn’t seen since the early era of The Zooker. The bad times are back, everyone! In honor of such a herculean effort at ineptitude, we’ve put together a list of 52 things that could actually be worse than Illinois football. Enjoy. - You could be Mrs. Beckman’s sidepiece, and now she just won’t stop texting you. - Brother Jeb could convert to Scientology and start condemning all psych majors to a fiery afterlife in the volcanoes of Xenu. - President Easter could be replaced by President President’s Day. - Grandma walking in on you masturbating in your dorm room, instead of your basement. - Having two tests - one on prohibition and the other on Irish history - during Unofficial. - The Champaign Police could blow up kegs at parties with underage kids using that robot that shoots lightning. - You could be the Illini Tower RA. - The beer companies could stop producing green beer for Unofficial, and instead produce brown beer – yuck! - You could be hungover and stuck in the middle of a really long row in lecture and be forced to puke in your backpack. Then your backpack could say, “Tacos for breakfast again, chubby?” - “Hey, let’s talk about politics.” - The Silver Bullet could be a shitty dive bar for werewolf hunters, as opposed to a shitty strip club for meth addicts. - Za's could make their menu even more confusing, causing the store to spontaneously combust…again. - Satan and his minions could finally gain a majority share in CPM. - The University of Illinois could replace Chief Illiniwek with Chief Keef. - “LOL” could stand for “Livin’ our lives!” and it would be like, an even worse amalgamation of the current “LOL” and “YOLO.” - You could be an Asian exchange student being forced to read a passage in discussion despite your poor English skills while everybody looks at you funny.

Awkward McKinley Visits

- We could be the ones existing in the bad alternate reality, where living in the Six Pack gives everyone the freshman fifteen, instead of the opposite. - Local indie rock band Santah could be the new halftime show mainstay. - You could be a campus tour leader who actually likes their job. - You could pound a pitcher only to realize the beer was really skunky and then puke right back in the pitcher and give that pitcher to a friend who is so drunk he doesn’t realize it’s puke and he pours himself a glass and takes a chug and then he pukes and then you puke and then the whole place smells like puke so everyone leaves. - The Alma Mater could actually come back as the Alma Pater, if you know what we’re sayin’. - Sorority girls canning on the Quad could begin employing the homeless men soliciting on Green Street to do their jobs for them. - Merry Ann's could change to Mary Anne’s, a late-night wrestling club for elderly women that only accepts drunken walk-ins as challengers. - Instead of sweet corn, Champaign could be famous for sour corn. - An engineering student could take the time to explain why your major is pointless after he guilt trips you into giving him his first handjob. - You could have a 9a.m. in the Animal Sciences Lab when it's raining out and all your friends are dead. - Your trained army of squirrels could start to question your leadership. - You could get your arm torn off trying to open the UGL's front door. - More douchebag frat bros could move to Urbana.

Good thing we can all laugh about them now, right?

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- More loser GDIs could move to the senior house area. - You could just want to "cut across" Frat Park on game day, but you're a naked Victoria's Secret model. - Mom could have to give you a ride to get Plan B from McKinley. - You could own an iPad at Espresso Royale. - You could be walking alongside someone and then accidentally touch their hand as you swing your arm. - The LEX bus company and Suburban Express bus company could decide to take their fight to the interstate, in a Mad Maxstyle pursuit of glory. - You could have been a girl who was accidentally diarrhea’d on while dancing at the Red Lion, and no one believed you. - The tight-rope walkers on the quad could decide to go Phillipe Petit on 309 Green and Tower at Third. - Someone could found a Juggalo Club RSO. - The cops could dedicate 100% of their resources on stopping underage drinking, instead of just 90% of their resources. - It could be Illini basketball season. - The new Wendy’s being built on campus could decide to start being staunchly homophobic for some reason. Then you’d have to go there alone, as opposed to with your friends, you bigot. - There could be a day every year when people decide that making jokes about the long walk signal on Sixth and John is still funny.

what’s inside

- One more group of fraternity brothers could decide to start one more damn Sublime cover band. - Bruce Weber could be in charge of your wardrobe. He wouldn’t let you shop for any of it in Chicago. - Second Story Pizza and White Horse could switch management in an attempt to see which business can close fastest. - The University of Illinois’ Memes Facebook page could experience a renaissance. - You could actually be from Ruston, Louisiana. - The Daily Illini could write an article about your frat and then your frat goes on probation. Then you invite the guy over to a party as you plan to beat him up, but instead he brings you some homemade flan and now you’re all best friends. - You could forget to pay the energy bill, so your water is, you know, cold. - Illini games could be officiated by NFL referees, and the Illini could still lose every game by thirty fucking points. - The “Help Stop Violence” guy could kick your ass for refusing to take one of his fliers. - You call for a SafeRide but the operator tells you that you’re too close to a bus station. You get hit by a car and die while waiting for the bus. - Ron Zook could actually be an evil genius who’s behind this whole goddamn thing.

All ye Apple clones, heed the coming of the iWorld

Point Counterpoint: GDIs Versus Sorostitutes

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: What Your whip Says About You

page 5

Is your shag wagon giving off the right impression?

page 6: I Hope They Serve Beer at GDI Parties Investigative frat star uncovers all about GDI life.

page 9

page 7: Fighting Illini Now Expecting to Compete Against Penn State Beckman's plans to further destroy Nittany Lion pride.

Table of

page 9: The Joys of Having a Cattle Prod on Campus Stalkers be warned! Girls are upgrading from pepper spray.

page 16: bartenders of the week Meet the cool kids at White Ho and Kam's.

page 18: From the streets

What is your biggest barndance regret or loss?

page 21: we interview: junk culture

Check out this quirky one-man band's album Wild Quiet.

page 21

Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Graca Haka

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber

owner Atish Doshi

Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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Pic

of the

Week!

Dear Mike, I think I’m starting to develop a crush on my professor. It all started when I raised my hand in lecture and she replied, “I never knew somebody could be so bold as to raise their hand in a lecture hall.” I had never felt like such a man before, and now I need her. I was thinking about taking our relationship to the next step by visiting her on office hours, but I’m pretty nervous. Any advice? Sincerely, Prof. Love. Dear Prof. Hornyboner, First off, let me say that I appreciate your ingenuity. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “Yeah, I totally saw my TA at the bars last night and ended up nailing her all night.” Nobody is impressed how many TAs you finger blast on the Joe’s dance floor anymore. The next logical step is for someone to start banging their professor. And I don’t just mean some cute film studies professor who’s fresh out of art school, I mean a fifty-something year-old calculus professor with tenure and a pile of kids. There are too many college students who walk around thinking they know what a real woman is, much less how to please one. I am nothing but proud of you for being the one to step up to the plate in the name of cougar hunter-kind. If you want to impress your professor lady, you need to understand that she is different from the average TA. She will not be impressed if you buy her a bunch of drinks at a bar. Most likely she will be too busy to go out anyway, being that she is halfway through her seventh book about Infinite Series Convergences. If you really want to make an impression on this woman, I would stroll into her office hours with a nice bottle of Château Margaux 2005 and two hours of TED Talks on a flash drive. You'll be in her panties faster than you can say Sir Ken Robinson. Best of luck

Sexy Anagrams -Benson

I. AM. BEER MAAAAAAANNN!!! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Ark As Hi

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers

Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe

word of the week Castrabate:

A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship. “Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”

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what your whip says about you morgan foster wrote this Around campus many people think it’s not really necessary to have a car. That feeling goes away as soon as they have to walk to Wright and Springfield from the ARC in the dead of winter because all the MTD buses can’t get through the snow. So when you finally convince your parents to drive your car down to school for you, make sure you’re willing to take all the shit and stereotypes you’re going to earn because of your whip. The Sticker-Covered Beater: Usually you’ll find an activist of some sort behind the wheel. Not just any activist though: the feared pushy asshole activists. If they’re an environmentalist, the stickers slapped haphazardly across the rear end of the vehicle might include phrases like, “Keep Earth clean, it’s not Uranus!” and, “May the forest be with you.” The bumper stickers on these cars are often offensive as hell, such as, “People like you make me prochoice!” When normal human beings drive behind these jalopies, they immediately hate the driver’s uber-political, tree-hugging guts. It’s a rule of nature. The Mitsubishi Eclipse (or Anything Similar): Owners of these cars have a flower lei hanging from their rear view mirror. They also apply lip gloss and mascara in their mirrors every ten minutes – so you’ll often see Eclipses swerving or rear-ending other cars. The owner works at a tanning salon and takes advantage of it, hence the crisp, orange skin. The backseat is a used condom graveyard. Who knows how many possible children could be swimming around back there. At any given time, Nicki Minaj is booming through their open sunroofs. Girls who own

this car think it’s sporty when really it is a flashing neon slut sign. The Pick-Up Truck: There are several different types of people who own this car. First are the macho dudes that get boners when they drive their F150s. They think their driving looks like the pick-up commercials, when in reality they’re driving down suburban roads rather than a rocky mountain. The second type is the female pick-up driver. She tries way too hard to pretend she’s a skank. She has stickers on the rear window reading, “If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair,” “Country girls know how to get dirty,” and, “Real women drive trucks.” These ladies think they’re badass because they drive a typically male owned vehicle. Most either have a country accent or questionable facial hair, so don’t be fooled by their fake badassery. The Luxury Sports Car: Old smug white guys who have gone through a particularly expensive midlife crisis are the predominant owners of this vehicle. They think that the Bose-emanating, supple leather-coated interiors and sleek, shining exteriors of their cars will bring in the ladies. Unfortunately for society, this actually works (Don’t judge me, I just wanted to test out the seat warmers). If a person younger than thirty is driving such a fine piece of machinery, then they are drug lords, pimps, or assholes leeching off of their parents’ money. The bottom line is: Stay away from those shiny German cars. Their owners will only cause trouble and herpes.

The Minivan: Everyone knows minivans are the prime vehicle for soccer moms and emasculated dads. They almost always have those family pictures or honor roll stickers on the back, as everyone should congratulate them because they popped out three semi-smart kids. Minivans are great to drive next to at night though, because you can watch whatever the kids are watching on the TVs on the back of the front seats. The White, Windowless Van: “Want some candy? Come on in my van,” says every owner of a white windowless van ever. Seriously, this is the perfect pedo-van. Anyone who owns this van has to realize that people run from it in fear. No one wants to be stuck tied up, sweaty, and candy-less in the back of that thing. Well, maybe the truck-owning women do, but that’s another story. If your car doesn’t fall into any of these categories, then it’s just normal and boring. Yeah, Ford Focus. I’m looking at you.

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I Hope They Serve Beer at GDI Parties

kimberly ann wrote this

My bros call me Frank the Tank, and I take pride in being the definition of fratty. Rush week this year was sick as usual: free beer, lots of parties, and a new crop of fine freshman ass. Then this GDI (I won’t be a scumbag and name drop like some “journalists”) brings his damn notepad into MY house and writes about all the harmless rush festivities while everyone else was getting slammered. If that’s not creepy enough, he goes and publishes it in The Daily Illini. I think he did it because he was pissed he didn’t get a bid so he screwed us all for being more fratastic than his GDI mind can handle. I got a little crazy at the end of the week though and earned myself a public intoxication ticket. After being put on probation and losing my ID, I had to come up with a new way to fill my thirsty urges for the week until my new license came in. I have to sink to the lowest of the low, I’m talkin’ worse than spilling beer over my brightest frat tank; I have to party with GDIs. There was no Sunday Funday or anything but sobriety until Thursday. Drinking is only a weekend festivity for the GDI. After four long nights of soberiety, my longest time without a beer since high school, I'm ready to get hammered. An old slam piece sent me a Facebook invite to a party at her place tonight. She might be crazy, but her roommate is a solid nine; I figure I’ll tap that, bail and head to the next place. I show up ready to rage at nine o’clock, and I walk into like seven broads in sweats bawling over The Notebook and drinking wine. Apparently this was “wine night.” I couldn’t drink enough to want to sit in a room full of PMS-ing chicks crying about how guys don’t get them; plus her roommate turned into a heifer. I bounced. I went to this party a kid from my freshman year dorm told me to hit up. I could hear Justin Bieber bumpin’ from down the hall. Oh God. I walk into the apartment filled with twenty-something wasted GDIs. I figure it’ll be a good night, until I actually had to talk to one of them. Me: Where’s the beer? Enginerd GDI: We don’t drink that stuff. It’s nasty, I guess none of us ever acquired the taste. (Nerdy weird laugh.) Me: What’s there to drink? Enginerd GDI: We have jungle juice in the cooler; be careful though, there’s a whole fifth in there. You don’t want all that to catch up to you. (Winks at a chick nearby who slightly resembles Nelson

from The Simpsons). Me: Deuces. I bailed and went to the next party. All of them were basically the same: almost dry, awkward dudes that never hit puberty, and chicks getting “trashed” off three shots. I remember my first time drinking. What’s worse is that GDI broads are just as lame as the dudes. Me: Where are you goin’ after this? It’s getting lame here. Uptight GDI: Woah, I am not having sex with you tonight. I hold myself to high values. Me: Um, cool? I just asked if you were going to another party. I was actually gonna ask you about your hot friend, she single? Uptight GDI: (Slaps me across the face.) At one party there was a beer pong tourney going on, but it took these kids over a half hour to finish a game. No one could make a dam cup. Flippy cup? Forget it. These GDIs were too worried about a little alcohol spilling on their table and floor. When I asked about a beer bong or shot-gunning they claimed that “that kind of binge drinking causes high risk activities.” The only GDI who dared to try a beer bong yacked everywhere right after. I can't take this anymore. I'd rather sit in my room sober every night than have to deal with all those weirdos again. I can't wait to get my license back.

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Fighting Illini Now Expecting to Compete Against Penn State aaron toch wrote this As the sanctions against Penn State rained down, Illini head football coach Tim Beckman licked his chops and cancelled his plans to visit Champaign’s art theater and his reservation at Sushi Kame with his wife. Instead, he decided to do something that he had only briefly contemplated before: Draw up a game plan against an Illinois opponent. “This is too important to gloss over,” Beckman said. “We have to analyze every opportunity to run those Pennsylvania pussies into the ground.” After the Nittany Lions had $60 million stripped from the program, a four-year ban placed on postseason games, twenty scholarships revoked, thirteen years of wins removed from their records, and had to offer the opportunity for every player to walk away from the team, Beckman thinks that the Fighting Illini may finally have a chance at victory. “I was beginning to get worried, looking at our schedule,” Beckman said warily. “We have seven home games this year! That’s seven weekends at school that I could possibly be physically and emotionally harassed by angry fans. I don’t know how Zook put up with that every day.” As the Illini spend at least thirty minutes watching film before facing their weekly opponent, Beckman is heavily considering changing the reel from the PBS hit Teletubbies to actual game footage. “We might actually have a reason to watch film this week. Usually I let the guys just chill during practice. Light up a few jays and watch this freaky kid show shit,” Beckman confessed. “I guess I could combine it with the ice cream social to make it less painful.” Beckman has allocated much of the football team’s budget on teambuilding activities, many of which revolve around cartoons and snacks designed for people who weigh over 200 pounds. The ice cream social, one of the only reasons why many of the

players have not left for better teams, will now carry a glimmer of hope along with Neapolitan flavors. Speaking at the social will be quarterback Nathan Scheelhaase, who is set to deliver a pep talk. Because Scheelhaase’s skills lie more on the football field than in the classroom, Beckman also used a small part of the budget to hire a writer who was interested in gaining some real-world public relations experience. Scheelhaase will be delivering these speeches with eloquence and accuracy, unlike his passes. “Looks like I’ll be talking about dragons,” Scheelhaase said, reviewing his notes in between Modern Warfare 3 rounds. “I like dragons.” Scheelhaase smiled coyly and childishly tugged at his shoelaces. In order not to psyche out their starting quarterback, Beckman still has not told Scheelhaase that his speeches contain hidden, cryptic football elements and that “playing catch” means “completing passes.” “I’m hoping him reading this repetitive speech aloud will work as well as those hypnotic tapes people fall asleep to. Maybe if he says ‘I will not always run the ball’ a few hundred times, he’ll actually start to do it,” Beckman said. Despite not exactly trusting his quarterback, Beckman is still confident that the rest of the team can compete against the depleted Nittany Lions. “I don’t think you can just look at a team that has lost its star players, prized recruits, morale, and Joe Paterno statue and consider that win a cake walk. Actually, it’s the cake I’m least worried about. Do you know how much money this school plugs into getting us dessert? Not enough for a gallon of ice cream per player, that’s for sure! We don’t even have plastic spoons! These poor guys need to share their tubs and eat with their own two hands!” Beckman exclaimed.

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But the harsh reality remains: Not every opponent Beckman and his team will face will have had practically everything decimated over an offseason. “I guess we’d actually just be ok with a tie if that’s what it comes down to,” Beckman said. “It can’t be any worse than last year, right?” In attempts to further the Fighting Illini’s record, school president Robert Easter has approved a $3 million bill to send law students into neighboring big ten schools in attempts at uncovering other hushed molestation charges. “I would not mind if we dug something up against Ohio State,” Beckman said. “That would really help us out.”

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Awkward McKinley Visits austin gomez wrote this Whether you’re visiting due to a throbbing headache from last night at Kam’s or just checking up on your venereal disease of the month, the McKinley Health Center provides students with the best care that hidden Health Service fees in your tuition can buy … at the expense of your public humility, of course. Getting Condoms: Let’s face it: this is first thing on any self-glorified and overtly-horny freshman guy’s mind. Forget the fact that the closest he’ll get to getting laid will be dry humping a pole at Joe's, he’s going to want free rubbers, and goddammit, he’s going to be determined. After all, it’s as easy as strutting right into McKinley, staring the over-the-desk clerk dead in the eyes, and proclaiming, “Lady, I came here with aspirations of fornication with many-a-women, and fornicate I shall.” Except the part where that doesn’t happen. When you watch a guy get condoms, he’s already pissed himself twice, sweating profusely at a steady heart rate of 400 BPM, and keeps looking around his surroundings as if he took a shit in the corner and is worried someone will find it. For good reason, it’s universally known that during this process, everyone in that room is glaring at you with unbridled judgment. You’re going to have safe sex tonight, aren’t you, you sick bastard? I bet you really care about your partner’s health, you prick. Getting Plan B with Your Girlfriend: We all know that accidents happen. It’s the reason why you have more than one sibling. But we also know that a slip here or there can equate to a month’s worth of paranoia and being increasingly attentive to pregnancy test commercials and baby products. You’re going to want a backup plan. While it’s a similar game alongside getting condoms, the stakes are obviously much higher. At least this time around you have someone with you to share in the abysmal sinking of the stomachs for hours on end. Getting Checked Out for Faking Sick: You would think that the whole point of going to McKinley after “being sick” and missing discussion would be as simple as getting that godforsaken visit slip signed. But no, McKinley don’t play no games. The on-staff doctors know damn well that you aren’t sick, and you’re going to have to play by their rules, meaning a full-scale checkup.

up blood that wasn’t mine,” is a little melodramatic, but it sounds better than, “I dunno. I just feel, like, sick and shit.” Be polite, but about as polite as a person with seven types of the flu can be. If they want to do a strep culture test, let them (it’s never a bad idea to test out your gag reflex). And, for the love of God, do not screw up the “rate your pain” test. If you start out at a “9” and miraculously end up at a “2,” you can kiss Friday’s free participation points goodbye. Getting Prescribed the Wrong Drugs: While everyone else was on Adderall, busy alternating between cleaning their rooms and furiously masturbating, you got stuck with a bottle of nasal spray, something that just gives you a faucet-like nosebleed when you use it too much. There’s a whole assortment of theories on how the pharmacists choose what they prescribe to you. One common method features attaching your name to a dart and seeing which part of the board it lands on. We’ll assume that the bull’s-eye here is three refills of Vicodin.

Going Just to Watch Mrs. Doubtfire and Reruns of Friends: Because, you know, when I’m sick, there is nothing more pressing on my mind than seeing whether or not Rachel and Ross will finally become a thing. And Mrs. Doubtfire is simply a classic. It’s unclear as to why McKinley has an infatuation with this movie, but I don’t mind in the slightest. Because, realistically, where else can I see Robin Williams toss on a pair of fake tits and psychologically scar his children for life? Yes, going to McKinley is exactly as bad as it seems. Still, the symptoms fit the cure—if you weren’t such a poor, shady college student, you’d be able to go to a real doctor for your needs. You deserve this.

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page 9

Most Useless Minors I recently found I have the possibility of graduating early, and I immediately shit my pants in fear. Why in the world would I want to leave Champaign sooner than planned? I started researching possible minors to tack on to my degree to extend my time here, and that’s when I realized all the bogus ones that are available. What’s worse is that people actually waste their money on these just for a resume boost.

the joys of having a cattle prod on campus becky jacobs wrote this

As all girls and effeminate men know, predators roam the campus. Innocent and not-so-innocent gals alike mosey the streets, peering around every corner to see if a predator is waiting to pounce at its prey. However, if more girls made like the famous “American Gothic” painting and channeled their inner farmer by buying a cattle prod, the tables would be turned. A cattle prod may seem a tad unconventional, but it’s more effective than other self-defense options. See, pepper spray consumers forget about something called wind. One gust and BOOM! There goes the pepper spray straight into the sprayer’s eyes, leaving her even more defenseless against perverts. Not that the old keys-between-the-knuckles trick is any better. Just because a girl has metal in her hand doesn’t mean she instantaneously transforms into Wolverine. Still, caution abound. Take into account a third person testimonial of a cattle prodding gone bad. With precautions, this won’t happen to you. The following is an account from an anonymous source. The actions, thoughts, and events are real, or so she claims. It was a dark, dreary night. Cars whizzed past as she stumbled home alone to her apartment. Decked in a pencil skirt, a shirt that barely covers a bandeau bra, and twenty-four inch heels, some would say she “asked for it.” The alcohol impaired her vision, but her hearing rang loud and clear. From behind she heard what turned out to be a herd of men with thin, creepy mustaches charging up to her. She reached into her clutch and withdrew her cattle prod. With a flip of the switch, she turned on her attackers and their family jewels. With their manhood seared and scorched, the men whimpered away, clutching their toasted almonds between their legs. The power she felt was overwhelming. No longer was she a defenseless woman roaming the campus. This was her shining Pretty Woman moment. She was now a certified cattle rancher, waiting to invisibly brand any bulls coming her way. Screw stumbling home, it was time for a celebratory drink! Back at the bar, the counter

was packed, leaving little room for a drunk to push her way through. Withdrawing the cattle prod from her purse, she parted the herd. “Bartender, this drink will be free of charge! A zap to you and a shot for me!” With the electricity amplifying inside the cattle prod, so did the power running through her veins. The power transformed her into the Cattle Prod Villain. Her hair began to thin like Dr. Evil of Austin Powers fame. She began to dress like her mother, a la Norman Bates in Psycho. A marking covered her face, reminiscent of the deceitful Scar of Lion King. The transformation was complete. The monster was alive! Paranoia set in as the power grew. Her cattle prodder mentality influenced her to dress the part. Overalls, rubber boots, and a straw hat graced her body as she strolled around campus. Eyes wide and red, she glanced in every direction. Walking toward her was her sorority sister who scarily resembles Dolly Parton. As she came in for a hug, the prodder flinched. This could be an attack in disguise! She zapped her bimbo friend and sprinted from the scene, off to find a secret lair to hide. She quickly assembled a large, red barn in the middle of the Quad. At night, she closed the doors and hid in the darkness. With moonlight came her newest transformation. Sun down and stars out, she morphed into a pitch black cow, prodding all who came near her. Of course, this scene did not go unnoticed by university officials. McKinley instantly and correctly (for once) diagnosed her as clinically insane. For the rest of her time spent at the university she circled around the dungeon deep beneath Altgeld Hall. Some claim to hear a faint mooing after a short zap as students pass by Altgeld. While this is an extreme case, let it show that with great voltage comes great responsibility. If you think you can handle the corrupting power of dominance in your hand, then fire up that cattle prod and get to the front of that bar.

10. Latin: Why is this even offered? There’s no point; Latin is a dead language. What are you going to do, study abroad in Latinland and speak with all the Latinos? Try to translate all those scribbles on the penny? Spoiler alert: It says “Out of many, one.” Boom, Latin minor mastered. 9. National Resource Conservation: Almost any random stranger can teach you how to save the environment without paying the price of tuition. All you have to do is remember the three Rs (reduce … recycle … and rage?) and turn off the faucet while you’re brushing your teeth. Other than that, not much we can do. You hear me, Ed Begley Jr.? 8. Bioengineering: If you’re going to hire someone to mess around with stem cells and chromosomes, you better be looking for a fully-trained engineer. One false move and we could have some apocalyptic clone revolution on our hands. If only that slacker had made it a major; he would’ve known exactly what to do... 7. Architectural Studies: Architecture is actually a difficult major. It’s not just about drawing pictures of pretty skyscrapers; you need to know if your building will be structurally sound. The minor program requires students to build a lego castle and correctly identify the Empire State Building. 6. Mathematics: How much could you possibly learn while studying for a math minor? Just enough to understand fractions and long division? Any major you enroll in will provide you with all the math education you need. Stop being such an overachiever. 5. Leadership: This minor clearly says, “I drank too much to join extracurricular activities and be an actual leader.” If you have to take classes on how to be a leader, then you obviously don’t have what it takes to be a real one. 4. Communication: It only takes the average student half of one COM class to realize that it’s a total joke. If you can’t form a functional sentence and need to take classes on it, how the hell did you get into this university? 3. Cinema Studies: This as a major has a bad rep on campus. No one really takes it seriously. However, when you’re the next Steven Spielberg you can rub your money in their little faces. But as a minor, you’ll be lucky if you do anything else than watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy and practice your Academy Award acceptance speech a few thousand times. 2. Aging: You’ll be old and wrinkly soon enough, why worry about it now? This has to be the most pessimistic minor out there. “Let’s study how constipated you’re going to be when you’re 80 so you can start stocking up on Metamucil now.” 1. South Asian Studies: Let’s face it. They’re going to take over the world some day, so you might as well just make it a major and prepare for the future.

kitty kat wrote this

page 10

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the new icrack is here mad max wrote this Art Levinson, the Chairman of the Board for Apple, sits in the main conference room. Most people think the headquarters are in California. Truth is, only Steve Jobs knew where the iPortal actually takes someone after they decide to cross the threshold into Genius Land. Few know where the entrance is, but employees have been known to end up anywhere from the Sahara Desert to the freezing summit of Mount Everest. Levinson stares down at the table in frustration and mumbles, “I knew no good would come of it.” “Talking to yourself again, Arty?” Levinson jumps as the hologram of Steve Jobs floats above the iWillNeverDie projector on the middle of the table. “Steve! Jesus, man. I know you live in the walls like the security system in I, Robot, but you can’t scare your employees like that.” Levinson thought he’d finally made it. He had replaced Steve “Mother Fuckin’” Jobs; the Apple movement would be under his control. It wasn’t until he was lead to the underground nether chambers and read the footnotes of Steve Job’s last will and testament that he understood the unholy aspiration in front of him and the part he’d play in the creation of the iWorld. “How goes the iPhone 5?” Jobs asks as his voice resonates from the circuitry around them. Levinson’s father always told him from an early age that he’d just be a lackey for a stream of conscience transposed onto a hologram. It was an oddly specific prediction, but the old man turned out to be right all along. “Sir, we’ve done enough. It’s a genius product, revolutionary even. But the Apple Groupies, they’re addicted sir. They just can’t stop. We can stamp a higher number on anything, and all the groundbreaking technologies we put in the last model seem as desirable as a Motorola

Razor.” “Success comes with sacrifice. Their commitment will build on Project Infinity.” Project Infinity was something Jobs had been working on for a while. There was no stopping it. The process was simple; it involves only three steps. First, make each “new model” slightly faster, thinner and take away from the thinness with a bigger screen. Second, send but one tweet about the release of the product and just wait for the reaction. And finally, continue this process until the mind of Steve Jobs can rest peacefully. Project Infinity has been going on for years under the blissful ignorance of its employees and even greater blissful ignorance of consumers who mindlessly eat up any product Apple shits out of its iAsshole. Levinson cannot hold back his words as he yells, “Why this madness? Why must you do this to us all?” The hologram of Steve Jobs clears Levinson’s FourSquare stats for the outburst. “I’m sorry, Arty. I need them. The Apple users and their personal information are all that is keeping me in this ghost-like body that prevents me from having sex.” Levinson shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I had a reputation that if I talked slowly and articulated every other syllable during a press conference, I could sell iShit if I wanted to.” Hologram Steve Jobs adjusts the collar of his hologram turtleneck before continuing. “I will not have my death come between me and selling a product our customers eat up like crack.” His fist slams down on the conference table in anger. Levinson finds himself unable to hold back again. “But Siri wasn’t even as good as promised! Sure, she could talk all day when hanging out with Samuel L. Jackson and John Malkovich. But with everyone else it seems like she’s drunk or pretending not to hear half the time.”

Steve Jobs stares through Levinson. “How dare you insult my cyber lady.” All of Levinson’s playlist names are replaced with 90s porn titles and Justin Bieber singles. Steve Jobs has access to all iPhones. Challenging him would be a foolish act. “One last thing. Change the dock connector. I want to examine the user’s response.” “Impossible sir. They will never go for it. Things like the iHome will need brand new adaptors. It’s cruel. I can’t do it. I won’t, I won’t!” Levinson hadn’t felt this much bravado in years. Since before he worked at Apple even. They had always done so much good for the world. Then Jobs’s control and extreme genius became even more powerful in death than it was in life. He is a powerful man, and Levinson had just pissed him off. “Silence!” This is the last yell Levinson hears before being thrust from the netherworld threshold to the exit of Red Lion, where he promptly stumbles over the velvet rope and defecates himself.

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THURS 9/27

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

Pygmalion Music Festival presents HUM with PSYCHIC TWIN, THAT'S NO MOON and THE DIRTY FEATHERS

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FRI 9/28

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Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

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SAT 9/29

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WED 10/3

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THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street THURSDAY: Jack Daniels Birthday Party

Win one of two $100 Apple Gift Cards Lots of gifts from the Jack Girls!

$3 Jack Daniels, $5 Bud Lime-ARita Pitchers, $2.50 Three Olives Vodka, $3 Three Olives Bombs

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Book your next event at Joe's! It's never too early to book winter events! Call 217.384.1790 or fill out the Party Form on our website joesbrewery.com

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

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THURS 9/27

Jack Daniels Birthday Party Win one of two $100 Apple Gift Cards Lots of gifts from the Jack Girls! $3 Jack Daniels, $5 Bud Lime-ARita Pitchers, $2.50 Three Olives Vodka, $3 Three Olives Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

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1/2 Price Burgers $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/28

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

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No class? Get a head start on your weekend - Open at 11am! Prize wheel starting at 5pm! Come take a spin for your chance to win! $3 Beam, $3 Pinnacle

SAT 9/29

GAMEDAY- Open at 9am Serving Firehaus Breakfast $2 Mimosas! 11am- ILLINI vs Penn State Watch all the games here!

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PYGMALION MUSIC FEST! Great music all day inside and outside!

GO ILLINI! $2 Jager featuring The Dirty Girls $3 Michael Collins $3 Don Q Rum

SUN 9/30

$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor-Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel! See every score from every team live!

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TUES 10/2 WED 10/3

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

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Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

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MONDAY: Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

SATURDAY: Reverse Tailgate $1 DRAFTS $1 Burnetts Sweet Tea Vodka Open to the Public at 11am

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PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

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THURS 9/27

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

WED 9/26

MNF w/ Bears vs. Cowboys BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

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Miller Lite Cat Fights 6-8PM! DJ DASH spins the Nite $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

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Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 9/28

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

IL vs. Penn State at 11AM, Open at 7AM, Bud Lt. Tailgate Party 8-11am, Shuttle Bus to Game $2 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans, Bud Girls & Giveaways, Absolut Bloody Mary Bar $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks

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SAT 9/29

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SUN 9/30

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MNF w/ Bears vs. Cowboys BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

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$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 10/1

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Country Music & Bands Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 10/2

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands Every Wednesday in October! 4 Bands Per Night - $1000 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/3

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

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bartenders of the week Bartender nickname?: Hot Mike.

Bartender nickname?: Gon’ make you wet (with drinks).

Relationship status?: Taken <3.

Relationship Status?: Naked.

Sexual preference?: Loud and caliente.

Sexual preference?: Anything and everything.

Worst household pet?: My roommate, he’s a power bottom.

Sexiest food item?: Cucumbers, obviously. Worst place to give a blow job?: A mechanical bull.

What must a customer do to get free drinks?: Be willing to share!

Ever been walked in on?: My little brother had no idea what was going on.

Celebrity you would like to give a massage to?: Rob Schneider.

Undercover porn star name?: Winnie the Pooh Hole.

Pick up line that works on you?: “I have the trick to cure that whiskey dick…”

What pick up line works on you?: “I’ve got $20 in my wallet.”

Best place to have sex?: On the sausage pile at White Horse Inn.

mike w. white horse inn

Weirdest thing that turns you on?: Hair. Your undercover porn star name?: Harry Elmwood. Biggest fashion no-no?: Manscaping.

the drinking game

mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Thoughts on the election?: I don’t give a fuck. Spirit animal?: Crabs.

Claire K. kam's

Which animal turns you on?: Giraffes. Long neck = Long ____.

Recipe for Disaster

state fair mac'n'cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review booze review: Malibu Sunshine | grade: c Overview: Malibu steps up their original coconut rum to include a splash of citrus fruits as fresh and bright as the golden sun. Their website suggests to try to the drink over ice, something we wish we knew before we tried to play bartender and mix it with everything in sight. History: On a hot spring break afternoon on the Malibu shore, a group of college friends were laying in the sand, mostly naked, sipping fruity drinks under the sun. Hands and fingers were wandering to nether regions usually only reached in the bedroom. Point blank: Everyone was trashed and ready to bang. Everyone except one girl. Her friends called her Lady, and she was so far gone she couldn’t feel sensations in any part of her body. She was lying on her back, staring intently into the sun, burning out her corneas and frying her skin to the bone. Her fingers slowly wandered away from her, trying to reach for another wine cooler. Instead of grabbing one, she latched on to a bottle of sunscreen and drunkenly pulled it towards her lips. Her friends looked in her direction right as Lady gulped down a shot’s worth of lotion. But instead of rolling over dead, Lady sat up and stared down at the

bottle in her hand. “Oh my God, this is it.” She was immediately rejuvenated and ran off to find the nearest Malibu manufacturer. Typical Drinkers: Sun-kissed bronze babes, guys in Speedos, Misty May-Treanor, lifeguards, swimsuit models, California cougars, and rich white guys with fancy cars. User Comments: “This tastes like vacation.” “Mmm, this would go well with an unexpected daytime blow job.” “Wait, no, I think this is literally sunscreen.” “Can I rub this on my body and get a tan?” Conclusion: Can’t say we were huge fans, but you’re better off deciding for yourself. It’s literally a big bottle of vacation bliss in alcoholic form, not sure if it’s something we want to physically consume though.

Best Mixer: sprite | Worst Mixer: the sand in yo' booty.

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theblacksheeponline.com

From the Streets

point counter point: GDIs versus Sorostitutes

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

uiuc staff wrote this

What is your biggest barndance regret or loss? “Waking up with four-inch scars on my legs.” - Lindsey S., Junior

In an effort to best serve your sexual college needs, Professor Ging and McHoneycombs are at it again. After their award winning case study of tits versus ass, the duo has reunited to decide who better to bone: a GDI or a sorostitute. Professor Ging: Hooking up with a sorostitute is clearly better than hooking up with a GDI. Knowing what sorority your girl is in before getting busy gives you a way to read the situation. Certain houses have certain labels, habits, and sexual reputations. It’s like sports: By understanding whether they play a man-to-man defense or a zone defense you can heighten your chances of getting laid astronomically. McHoneycombs: While you may have a head start when you’re talking with a sister from Eta Omicron Epsilon (HOE), you forget that GDIs have more to gain and lose with every sexual encounter. Ever since they entered college they’ve been on their own to make friends and fend off advances from my swagger. If you lure one into bed, she has no choice but to prove herself worthy. A man-to-man defense may be better, but now you’re blitzing a quarterback with no offensive line. Professor Ging: You forget, McHoneycombs, that girls in sororities have a much lower sense of self and are much more aware of the groups they are in. If she sees her sisters flirting it up with your bros then she’s going to want to flirt, too. GDIs couldn’t care less about what other girls are doing. They’re more content sitting alone texting their moms than letting us studs establish our male dominance. McHoneycombs: Hold on now, Ging, you forgot one important factor here: availability. While you may get a boner that just won’t quit at 7:00 p.m. Saturday night, Mary Jane Rottencrotch has to sing mindless songs to doe-eyed freshmen for recruitment. In fact, her life will be so scheduled you’ll be lucky to get a good dicking in twice a week. Meanwhile Miss GDI is free to get down when she wants and where she wants.

Professor Ging: A valid point. However, the limitations placed on a girl by her sorority can often work in your favor. Sorority houses are much different from their frat castle counterparts. You can’t smoke or drink, and who wants to just sit around and talk during after hours? It’s much easier to convince a girl to come back to the house for afties than have her walk all the way back to Urbana. McHoneycombs: I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to bring some girl back to a frat castle either. Nothing makes panties dryer than roaches and week-old pizza rolls. Also, haven’t you heard of sensory overload? You put too many hot women in a room with a drunken version of yourself, and it only takes one unwarranted ass grab for the whole house to close their legs to you. With GDIs, every meeting is a fresh start, and none of that dumb shit you did with the last girl gets texted to this new one. Professor Ging: While you do run the risk of ruining your reputation with a group of girls, you may have more to gain for yourself in the future with investments at the First United Bank of Ass. Sororities are great for sexual networking. If you’re good in the sack, she will tell her sisters about you. A good orgasm can be hard to find on this campus; let’s see how strong the bonds of sisterhood really are when they know you can find the g-spot. McHoneycombs: Considering that you’re gonna bang most of these girls while they’re drunk, the odds of you getting her off, much less giving her an earth-shaking orgasm, are about the same as The Daily Illini writing an unbiased, informative article. Your ability to disappear amongst GDIs is much easier than women who are plugged straight into a network to communicate with one in five women on this campus. The boys decided to agree to disagree until the next night. Professor Ging got trashed at Red Lion, hooked up with his first GDI, and hasn’t looked back since. And you can bet that McHoneycombs was secretly watching the action through the apartment window saying, “I told you so!”

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“Having to carry my 6-foot date home because he couldn’t walk.” - Shay C., Junior

Flipping Flippingthe thescript script

so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...

dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin' Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.

We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan

ron swanson on survivor Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.

Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.

Win or Lose?

The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.

charlie day on america's got talent

out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.

Win or Lose?

dave rose on top chef

Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.

sterling (malory) archer on

stars earn stripes

Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.

Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in.

Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?

Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.

lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit

Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.

Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.

Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.

Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come

Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedules and no time for a social life.

Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.

Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of "The Night Man Cometh", if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.

Louie on the bachelorette

back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.

Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.

Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.

Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.

the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.

Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like… good. This won’t bode well because…

Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.

the interview

junk culture

Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.

the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.

matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”

Solve the riddle to win up to $200 in Amazon gift cards! Can you solve the riddle below? The first ten people to answer correctly will receive a $10 Amazon gift card, and every correct response will be entered to win the grand prize - a $100 gift card from Amazon.com!

Answer at benchprep.com/riddle-uofi Limit: One entry per student. Enter by 10/3/2012 to win.

the classtime summer & winter olympic sports Across

1) A certain Cleveland-native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new edition for the 2016 Rio games.

win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canda. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.

Down

2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty. 5) Forrest Gump would definitely

Answers

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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you're seven SoCo limes in you're going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you're going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.

7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1

9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2

answer key

6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.

5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2

3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.

5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I'm Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I'm doing, then I don't care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.

7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal. 8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there. 9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.

3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1

2) What's the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.

4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I'm pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it's legitimate rape.

1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1

1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only thing I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”

9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren't the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who-knows-what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It's best to leave it at that though, because any future run-ins with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable.

15 - 21 Points: ExXXperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they've gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that's cool with us. Whether it's a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it's going to be the real deal.

22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren't one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you've got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it'll be a memory you'll look back on fondly.

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