Illinois Fall Issue 7 - 10/312 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

  Brought to you by  

The Booze News

...

Lik e sh foo ou tb ld all be ti ck .

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 7 10/3/12 - 10/10/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

illini tower loses all ras

becomes chillest hall on campus tex mex wrote this Following the recent trend of RAs resigning their positions at Illini Tower, the newest batch of Resident Assistants, or “lackeys” as defined by the private-certified residency hall, were seen storming out of the building enraged in spiteful disgust. This currently leaves IT with no RAs on staff, making it what most freshman students are deeming “literally the chillest place on campus, bro.” Just as the first string of RAs quit due to disagreements with management, the newest group of runaways shares similar sentiments. After speaking with an anonymous former RA, we were told that, in an effort to keep more RAs from making the best decision of their lives, Illini Tower management attempted to implement a new list of guidelines that the RAs would have to comply with. Some of the terms and conditions included: - RAs must wear shock collars at all times and must not lwander beyond a 20 foot radius of the building. - RAs must, in addition to the $5,000 housing fee, cover the following utilities: water, plumbing, electric, garbage, Internet, mandatory donations to the “We <3 Our RAs” fund, and upper management’s Netflix subscriptions. - RAs must cook all meals in the dining hall (the previous cooking staff left over culinary differences). This includes breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as all ethnic/borderline racist theme nights. - RAs must attach the phrase “is the greatest place on Earth” to the name “Illini Tower” in all emails, texts, and verbal speech. - RAs must occasionally file maintenance requests to make the elevators even slower. - RAs must give students less than 24 hours to move out if caught drinking in their dorms. The end of the document also lists a non-disclosure agreement stating that the RAs waive their rights to attend class for the remainder of their undergraduate careers, as they will be rewarded in Valhalla and given back their $25 application deposit fees after a lifetime of service.

Leave My Orchard Alone!

“It was the most idiotically bizarre thing I’ve ever witnessed,” said the former RA. “When we asked management why the previous RAs left, they just stood there with menacingly nervous grins while they began chaining up the front doors.” While it’s clear that the RAs and students have differing stances on this phenomenon, we reached out to IT management to hear their thoughts on the matter.

we were beyond shocked at some of their insinuations. We have always complied with state and federal employment law. I mean, read up on the regulations yourself. Sure, we cannot violently harm our employees, but nowhere in any sort of legislation does it say anything about threatening employees with cattle prods and Khan Dynasty methods of torture. People need to get their facts straight before they potentially harm the namesake of a reputable company.”

“We have always treated our RAs with the highest level of respect and compassion,” said an upper management representative. When this semester’s batch of hapless vict—er, strong models of leadership and service called it quits on us,

We then fact-checked the representative's claims regarding legislations involving threatening employees and, aside from the Ancient Mongolian Torture is Totally Not Okay Act of 1969, we questioned the reliability of the representative’s claims.

what’s inside

An Ode to the Doorman

continued on page 10

The Top 10: Fallen Stars

Drunk students no longer wanted at Curtis Apple Orchard.

a salute to The man, the myth, and the legend.

Some are dead, some are forgotten, and most all are on drugs.

page 6

page 8

page 9

ARE YOU READY

TO FRATTLE? WPGU FRATTLE OF THE BANDS OCTOBER 3, 10, 17 | FINALS OCT. 24

4 BANDS EVERY WEDNESDAY | STARTS AT 9PM $1000 GRAND PRIZE! BUD GIRLS EVERY WEDNESDAY

DRINK SPECIALS $2 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3 Bombs

SATURDAY! WATCH THE ILLINI Game Watch Party for IL vs. WISC at 2:30PM

$2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans + $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Bud Girls & Giveaways (Qualify to Win $1,500 Tailgate Package)

SATURDAY FROM 10pm - 11pm PARTY WITH KEITH STONE!

KEITH STONE LIVE APPEARANCE + $1 KEYSTONE LIGHT CANS

Best Pick-Up Line Wins a Prize!

KAM’S

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com

contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: Getting With a Cocktease

page 5

How to flip the script and land the one you've been chasing.

page 7: LEX Party Bus Driver Unsure Why He Still Does It Starks wishes he had worked for CUM touchdown instead.

page 9: An Animalistic Kind of Laundry Day

page 9

Where do you fall on the laundry room food chain?

page 16: bartenders of the week Jyoji and Chloe give us their dirty deets.

page 17: The Booze Review: Evan Williams Cinnamon Reserve

Table of

Fans of Big Red and Irish culture unite!

page 18: from the streets

What are you most excited for in fall?

page 20: pygmalion 2012

our review of the coolest festival to hit urbana since the 1987 ceiling fan expo..

page 21: we interview: zedd

Remix master releases his own full-length album Clarity on Oct. 9

page 21

Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Graca Haka

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber

owner Atish Doshi

Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page Four

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, I took some acid during the Dirty Projectors and now I can’t remember what my name is or where my pants are. Please help, I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS. Dear sir, First off, quit acting like a fucking baby. Do you know how many times I've taken weird psychedelic drugs and forgotten my name? But no, for you it’s all, “Boo-hoo! I took acid and now I don’t know where I am and there’s all this blood on me!” Be a man about it. But if you really can’t just accept your new personality-less existence then I would suggest looking around the room you are in right now. Is there anything that could help lead you to a clue about your identity or where you came from? Is there a trail of blood leading out the door? If so, that would be your best bet. I would avoid checking for wallets, because the last time this happened to me I found a wallet and walked around thinking my name was Louis Vuitton for a year and a half. When it comes to the pants situation, I will admit that it can be a bit nerve-wracking your first time. I would give up any hope of finding your original pants, because those are long gone. Start looking for things that you can use to cover yourself up. Most people usually go for the Wal-Mart shopping bag, but I think you can be more creative than that! Have fun with it. Hope this helps, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

Credible Sumos

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Crane Hotly last week’s answers

You gotta be THIS high to ride, man. (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Disshertation:

Any longwinded, angry diatribe one woman makes towards another woman.

Shakira & Chris Hemsworth

“Lisa’s disshertation on Theresa’s formal dress got her over 300,000 YouTube views and one lost Facebook friend.”

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 5

Getting With a Cocktease the love doctor wrote this College is a great time for sex. College is also a time for a person to learn who they are sexually, and just because one might experiment regularly doesn’t immediately make one a whore. You’re just a typical horny kid, and that’s a-okay with us. However, there are some people who use sex to feed their egos. We can label them with all types of different terms, but it’s best to simply label them thusly: cocktease. “Cocktease” is an umbrella term. As odd as it may sound, there are male cockteases out there as well. As the Love Doctor, M.D., it is my duty to assist you in the not-so-sexy parts of sex. Everyone has or will encounter a cocktease in their college careers, and I’m here to help crack that sexy safe. Before you understand the cocktease, you must first understand yourself. If you are horny and the cocktease you are intending to woo knows it, you’ve relinquished all bargaining power you have. By giving them this information, you are playing right into their hands. Be aware of your body language, word choice, and the grooming of your genitalia. A smooth, shaven ballsack or vagina may make you look too eager. Grow that pube-fro out a bit. Always be one step ahead of the game so your person of interest doesn’t really know what to expect from you next. After you understand yourself and your methods, you can stop giving the cocktease a cock to tease. That’s right, it’s time for some role reversal; you must be the teaser now. Once you have come to know yourself, you can then begin to work to your strengths and find which of your characteristics are most desirable by the opposite sex. What is it that makes them want to get in your pants? Got it? Okay, flaunt it. One must also understand that cockteases are extremely disturbed individuals. They want the attention of the opposite sex to fuel their ego but are not mature enough to engage in an actual sexual relationship with another person. Use this information. Feed their ego but ultimately pull back. Tease and torture them with a flirtatious compliment one second and then turn around and hit on their best friend the next. By doing so, they begin to doubt themselves. “What did I do wrong? Are my tits not mashed up high enough out of my shirt?” At this point they feel as though they need to step up their game to draw

THIS SATURDAY

S R E G R U B E C HALF-PRI ARE BACK!

COME TO JOE’S THIS SATURDAY AND TRY OUT A $2 DIRTY GIRL! BLONDE, BRUNETTE AND RED-HEADED SLUT SHOTS AVAILABLE! 706 S. 5TH STREET | (217) 384-1790

you back in. They become desperate enough to fuel their egos by taking it to the next level. And that’s sex, bro! Once the slam session ends, get the hell out of there. Fast. Chances are if you actually successfully have sex with a cocktease, you’re in for some rough pillow-talk. The messed up mental state of a cocktease will lead to crying, complaining of an ex who “made them this way,” or talk of what the future holds for the two of you post-coitis. All while you’re still trying to get the condom off. That is why as soon as you reach climax you need to be sprinting for your skivvies. Sometimes you may not even have time for that and will have to get home commando. So my friends, after reading my extremely comprehensive guide, you should be able to land that cocktease that has been driving you crazy for weeks now. Just remember these simple steps: Understand yourself, understand the cocktease, and get the hell out of there. If those steps are too long to remember, just use this simple acronym: UYUTCGTHOOT.

page 6

theblacksheeponline.com

Leave My Orchard Alone! kitty kat wrote this Dear University of Illinois students, My name is Randy Graham, currently the co-owner of the Curtis Apple Orchard in Champaign. Ever since I was a little boy it has been a dream of mine to own my own pumpkin patch and apple orchard. After all, autumn is my favorite season, and its sights and smells are warming and delicious. That’s why when I met my wife Debbie, daughter of Paul and Joyce Curtis, I knew my wishes were coming true. I married her in an instant, and every minute of my life immediately revolved around her, my family, and the apple orchard. I was the happiest man in the world. As the years went on, I remained pleased with my lifestyle. The apple orchard was always a popular site for families from near and far, and nothing made me happier than the smiles on the little kids’ faces when they picked the perfect Granny Smith. After surviving an outbreak of tree-ravaging bacteria, extreme droughts and late frosts, I thought that nothing could bring this orchard down. But then the college kids starting visiting. I never thought it would be a problem having the Curtis Apple Orchard so close to the ChampaignUrbana campus. I think everything started to escalate after the Illini football team’s Rose Bowl appearance in 2008. When our orchard reopened for the season in July, students were still ecstatic about the school’s athletics. Sure the game was a total blowout, but hey, at least they made it. It seemed like the half the kids were drinking out of pride while the other half was out of embarrassment. And when the kids were bored over the summer and into the fall, where did they turn to when campus got too stuffy? Out to the cornfields, to the mile-long farmlands, to the Curtis Apple Orchard. This was supposed to be a family place, one where parents and their kids could spend the day without a care in the world, just bags of freshly-picked Red Delicious apples in their hands. But how can they peacefully enjoy the day with the ruckus of intoxicated college kids running around my fields? Not only did my wife and I catch many of them urinating and defecating within the pumpkin patch, but they also took a liking to vandalizing the pumpkins as well. They had markers and pens and would scribble all over their orange exteriors, doodling male genitalia and poorly-designed jack o’ lantern faces. Where’s the fun in purchasing a pumpkin that has already been decorated for you? Let alone one with obscenities and dirty pictures. But their shenanigans didn’t stop there. We have local bands play here every once in a while. Your incessant bottle-throwing and insult-yelling at the performers is unacceptable. Our petting zoo has

been corrupted as well. I cannot even begin to count the amount of times I have seen my poor goats and pigs being dry humped. Students, that’s not funny, that’s bestiality, and you should see someone for help. We’ve also had multiple cases of you hooligans interfering with operations of the cafes and gift shops on the orchard grounds. I’m begging you all, please stop sneaking into the kitchen and spiking our apple cider. There are already enough drunk people here, we don’t need any more. And obviously parents aren’t very pleased when their eight-year old kids are stumbling around the rest of the day; red faces and glossy eyes don’t make a good family picture. I’m writing to ask all of you, please leave my beloved orchard alone. Please leave my family alone. We have appreciated your business over the past few years, but the emotional damage you have caused my wife and I will never be erased. Next time you find yourself inebriated, which I believe will be very soon, refrain from taking a trip out to the Curtis Apple Orchard. Instead, stay safe inside your apartments or dorm rooms. And if you just can’t shake the desire to frolic around the farmlands, why don’t you just go take a stroll through the Morrow Plots instead? I heard it’s very nice this time of year. Happy picking, Randy Graham

BAR SPECIALS ON YOUR PHONE. Download

THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE APP

YEAH!

SCAN FOR THE iPHONE APP SCAN FOR THE ANDROID APP

Or Search Black Sheep Mobile

page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

LEX Party Bus Driver Unsure Why He Still Does It aaron toch wrote this The LEX Party Bus industry is driven by students looking for a safe way to transport both themselves and their alcohol to the intended destination (on a toilet with diarrhea). Its success, however, is built on the foundation of the employees' strong work ethics and unwavering dedication. For bus driver Tony Starks, 27, the party bus used to be a vessel of bringing wholesome binge-drinking entertainment to the students. Now, he isn’t so sure. “Last night, a bunch of the passengers started yelling out the window at a bunch of dudes coming out of Grainger,” Starks said. “They were making fun of them a lot. I think it was a little harsh; I mean, I happened to like those fedoras.” The act of shouting obscenities out of windows is one of the bus’s main selling points, which is otherwise an over-glorified transportation service on a campus where everything exists in a one-mile radius. Starks used to be a team player, joining the passengers’ gales of drunken laughter, titters of excitement, and whispers of an awesome pre-game. Starks even compiles new bus playlists every week, consisting of the latest dubstep remixes of songs that you never thought could sound any worse. But lately his passion has been slowly fading awa. “I gave up so much to take this position,” Starks said, who majored in communication at the university. “Do you know how many bus services were looking at me? I could have been driving a 22 Illini by now, at least.” CUMTD, long considered the ivy league of bus services, had tendered an offer to Starks before LEX forced his hand. Offering him more money, better hours (only working until to two a.m. instead of four), and a $10 Meijer gift certificate, Starks had to find his inner strength before denying their offer.

“I wanted to make a difference, to add some of my own spice into an already intoxicated environment, and I think I achieved that,” Starks said. “I just had no idea the achievement would be so dismal.” The majority of party bus riders do not say “thank you” and can barely get down the stairs without destroying something or puking on the railing. These habits are prone to inducing stress to Starks, something that he says afflicts other drivers as well. Mary Wilson, 55, recently quit after not being able to handle her audience. “Mary was like a grandmother to me,” Starks mumbled, in a somber moment in which he was obviously quite shaken. “I think I was going to get an invite to her funeral, but now I’m not sure if she’ll even remember me.” Starks went on to explain a terrifying story in which Wilson’s passengers declared mutiny one night, had her pull over to the side of the road, and gave her fifteen beer bongs. Wilson was unable to handle the alcohol and fell backwards against the steering wheel, spraining her neck and erasing her long-term memory. Tour bus services in both New York and Washington have extended their hand to Mr. Starks, who say they could use someone with both the tenacity and ability to drive until four in the morning. After ignoring their offers because they would not let him talk over the microphone, Starks is now facing a bleak reality, one he may have to reconsider. “If this Red Lion to C-Street transaction doesn’t go as planned, I may have to get my agent involved and start working on these applications. I’ve always considered taxi driving. Maybe that’s more up my alley. I’m a young guy, there’s no reason I shouldn’t shoot for the stars.”

When told that Starks was considering leaving the bus company, several students were vocal about his return. Citing that he was the “bestest” and that they could “not imagine the party without him,” it was confirmed that his absence would be felt. For Starks, this sadness is merely a consolation prize over a job where he felt his presence was never quite recognized. “Truth be told, I think the only reason I was so popular among the students was because I turned a blind eye to all of the blunts and handjobs,” Starks said. “I’ll be looking for unconditional love in my next job.” Unfortunately, a bus service that provides that has still not been located. Just don’t tell Mr. Starks.

Y D A E R U O Y E R ? T A H G I N A I V I R T FOR sunday is trivia night! $4 Well Doubles | $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, and Coor’s Light Pitchers

Free Fries with Any Sandwich or Burger!

FOUR SQUARE

CHECK IN AND GET 20% OFF ANY APP HAPPY HOUR! SUNDAY-THURSDAY, 4-6PM! 604 East Green Street | (217) 344-4372

If you don’t start following us...

YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY. @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

page 8

theblacksheeponline.com

An Ode to The Doorman

mad max wrote this

When Susan Sophomore went out on a Friday night in Champaign, her and her apartment friends didn’t know they’d meet the famous, but very under-recognized hero, The Doorman. This is an ode to that man and the men who follow his example. The apartment’s pregame started with vodka Red Bulls because “Beer’s gross!” according to one of the roommates, Valarie Virgin. They make it over to Green Street and to their fear discover that all the bar lines are around the block. Sure they arrived at midnight and this is a surprise to no one, but it took an hour to make it here. High heels suck, and the girls will all take them off on the walk home to navigate around broken glass and smoldering cigarette butts. Their frustrated looks are easy to spot for anyone who’s spent more than three years on campus. It is unknown how long The Doorman has been among us, but he sees the distress and springs into action. “Follow me,” he stoically remarks while heading towards the entrance blocked by an intimidating and bored looking guard. “He’s real,” one of the more knowledgeable roommates remarks, and they all follow like a flock of sheep. The door opens, and they slip inside without a complaint from anyone in the grid-locked line. They’re in without having to pay cover. How is this possible? They’re all under twenty-one and usually fall prey to the lucrative money making scheme at the door.

“You work here?” Valrie Virgin asks. “I work a lot of places.” His eyes stare intently off into the distance; his accent sounds Scottish but with a heavy dose of American badass. The crowd parts like the sea before Moses as he walks towards the beer garden. He seems to know everyone but scoots around without being pulled into a meaningless “How do we know each other again?” conversation. “I’m totally going to have sex with him,” Valrie Virgin says with wide eyes before leading the pack behind him. The night went on and everyone had a memorable time, however nobody could really recall with accuracy what happened. “Last call,” an apologetic voice booms over the loudspeakers. The group had just finished their most recent drink and the girls now looked down sadly at their bare cups. Another one would have been perfect since, well, there’s always room for one more. Damn you, two in the morning closing policy! Although if it was open any later, class attendance would fall faster than Romney’s approval rating after that video was leaked onto one of the Internets. “I’ll be back.” The Doorman slips away while rolling up his sleeves around his tattooed, sculpted biceps. He walks up to a nervous group of freshmen before taking a nearly full pitcher from them. “No wristband.” He walks back to the group of girls as they empty out their cups and refill with the Lunchbox specialty. They almost worry about the wristband policy but look down to see they already have them. No one remembers putting them on. Magic? Or maybe a slight brown out?

They finish their drinks as the bar closes. The crowd starts filtering out and the group heads towards the gates. The Doorman hesitates at the threshold. “I’m sorry ladies. My place is here.” “What will become of you?” Susan Sophomore asks while clutching one of his legs and starring up at his face. Another roommate is holding the other as they pose for an epic Facebook picture. “Afterhours.” The girls leave but not without the memory of a man beyond physicality. After a block of blissful reminiscence, Valarie Virgin says with pride, “I want to have his baby.” There are few who don’t.

now hiring!

“Blue Guys?” The Doorman is holding six with ease and hands them out before downing one for himself and saving the second for later. They’re strong ones, too.

Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional" policy?

Marketing, Sales, Promotions, Writing, Groupies, & More!

apply online at theblacksheeponline.com

The Top 10

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

page 9

fallen stars All sane people listening to mainstream radio wonder the same exact thing: “How long are we going to have to wait before these pop stars are crushed by a wave of overwhelming irrelevancy that results in a debilitating drug addiction?” To hold you over till then here are the top ten fallen starlets in American pop culture history. 10. Danny Bonaduce: People who came into sexual maturity this millennium will recognize him as that professional asshole in every reality T.V. show. If you didn’t already find him irritating enough, his alleged break out role was in a 1970s sitcom, The Partridge Family. How can someone who is irrelevant at the peak of his or her fame have a gigantic ego?

An Animalistic Kind of Laundry Day becky jacobs wrote this

9. New Kids on the Block: Any artistic endeavor that’s diminished by the loss of Mark Wahlberg probably didn’t have much staying power to begin with. When the egghead-shaped people of the future look back on the atrocities of the twentieth century, hopefully they will choose to focus on the proliferation of nuclear weapons and our environmental raping of planet Earth. Anything as long as they forget about boy bands. 8. Spice Girls: Contrary to popular belief, the Spice Girls were actually meant to target teenage girls, not horny pre-teen males. Let’s all have a moment of silence to thank them for the surplus of slutty girls around campus today. Not only did they get away with targeting teenage girls with explicitly sexual messages, they opened the door for such incredibly talented groups as the Pussy Cat Dolls, which are essentially burlesque dancers with national recognotion.

Free laundry day is an animalistic nightmare. Free access to the machines that soak and shred clothing are in high demand for poor, odorous, busy students. If Steve Irwin was still roaming the world, he’d warn all earthly dwellers to beware the feral animals that emerge on free laundry day in the dorms.

7. Mandy Moore: Apparently once upon a time she was a pop star. Now she’s an actress? Anytime you can cite a cameo as Vinnie Chases’s girlfriend on Entourage as one of your major roles, it’s obvious that you have officially made it. After all, it did wonders for Sasha Grey’s non-pornographic acting career, right?

Dive into the laundry room and confront the pack head on. Nature doesn’t take kindly to the meek. Notice the ostrich sitting impatiently on the washing machine. As her laundry takes a half hour to wash, she perches on top of the machine, waiting to hatch her egg of neon thongs and yoga pants. You’re guarding Victoria’s Secrets goodies. Congrats, your life is over before even graduating. When she needs to run to straighten her hair for the umpteenth time today, the male ostrich takes over the watch. Poor, whipped, manipulated boyfriend.

6. Macaulay Culkin: He was once considered the most successful child actor since Shirley Temple. Tragically (for us) he didn’t die before he stopped being cute.

The lion rips wet laundry from dryers loaded by all the lowly animals he dominates on a daily basis. The lion cares not what other animals in the kingdom want. His laundry must come first, or Simba will have something to say about it. The lion vanquishes wet clothing from the dryer, shoving it in the lost and found box to be discovered by the anguished animal that retrieves it. This causes the victim the suffering of another laundry session, considering their clothes were just tossed in a bin with other random students’ underthings that have touched God knows what. Gazelles prance around the laundry room, dashing between separated, lonely socks. Ever wonder where that other sock went? That damn beaver stole it again for developing its damn dam in its dorm room. The gazelle may ignore the socks but is quick to pick up any spilled coinage to hold them over until the next free laundry day. Forget finding a campus job with food dining services, this is much less desperate. Hear the elephant roar when any scavengers dare steal his machine or make him inconveniently carry his wet clothes to a dryer that’s not a foot away. Every single animal in the laundry room will know about it. You will be branded for life by the stomp of the elephant’s foot even more noticeable than the elephant’s tramp stamp. Don’t cross their path because it will be your laundry the elephant tells the lion to misplace in the lost and found box. The absolute worst is anxiously awaiting a dryer so you can finally be done with laundry day. Unfortunately, that task is impossible since otters are constantly feeling each individual piece of clothing in the dryer, making sure everything is dry. Somehow people dried their laundry in the past without electronic dryers, but don’t tell the beavers that. They’re in cahoots with the lion and elephant too. Didn’t know the animal kingdom was so exploited, did you? Mr. Rogers was wrong. It’s not a beautiful day in the neighborhood. It’s free laundry day, and it’s a nightmare. Don’t waste your time duking it out with animals in the laundry room to save a few measly quarters. There’s really no winning in that food chain.

5. The Olsen Twins: Most notable for being the poster children of anorexia and cocaine addiction. Who would have thought that the two halves of Michelle Tanner would become so messed up, especially with all those strong male role models? 4. Lindsay Lohan: Her lasting contributions to Western civilization will be Mean Girls and proving to America that gingers can be hot, which admittedly, are two pretty significant things. 3. Britney Spears: Remember when you were young enough to masturbate to pictures of a sixteen year old Britney without feeling like a pedophile? Yeah so do I, it’s called five minutes ago. I’m sick and tired of arbitrarily assigned federal laws and basic human decency trying to tell me what I can and cannot masturbate to. Against all odds, Britney appears to be coming back from mental illness and a marriage to K-Fed. You go girl. 2. Michael Jackson: What can be said about MJ that hasn’t already been said? He was once a charismatic, handsome black boy that turned into a ghoulish white person. Then he died and everybody forgot that he might have totally probably diddled little boys, teaching us the important lesson that, no matter your quirks, if you write some nice songs, people will celebrate your life. 1. Frankie Muniz: Frankie, former star of Malcolm in the Middle, easily wins the award for best fallen child pop star. Mostly for knowing when to call it quits and not being afraid to shit on the little people. Just look at this tweet he sent out after being insulted on his questionable acting skills. “Yeah, but being retired with $40,000,000.00 at 19 has not been awful. Good luck moving out of your mom’s house before you’re 35.” Check and mate.

alex dimaris wrote this

page 10

After trying to reach management for more comments and subsequently being told to “bugger off,” we asked the next executive source down the line: the new daytime receptionist. “I really don’t know what you want me to tell you guys. I just started working here today. It seems like a fantastic place, though; they let me sleep in my desk space! Now, what was that about the doors being barred shut?” So what does that mean for the largely freshmenpopulated student residents? On the student side of the spectrum, things couldn’t be better. With no RAs, the freshmen living at IT are making use of their newfound liberation. A recent poll conducted shows a 5% increase in students partaking in alcohol consumption in their rooms, while the numbers of students who still have nothing to do but play Call of Duty and watch porn all day remained stagnant. Due to the increased alcohol consumption and lack of RAs to work security and guest check-in, IT is now populated by more shacking sluts than any other location on campus. Sexual activity, and the number of pissed off roommates, is at an all-time high. A few more concerned students did bring to attention the lack of “beneficial” floor meetings every week. These students felt as if they were being cheated out of important leadership information, learning how to make the most out of their college experience, feigning interest in pointless arts and crafts, and team-building games that no one has done and/or enjoyed since second grade. While some of these valiant students have tried to join their floors together with their own meetings, they end up being, for the most part, hysterically laughed at and verbally abused.

continued from the cover

When we toured the Tower, one male student was eager to speak with us about the situation. “It’s seriously like, so chill around here, it’s unreal, man,” said the seemingly disoriented freshman. “Me and my buddies just drink and play Super Smash Brothers while chilling to Cudi all day. It’s literally the best thing, dude, to not have some RA constantly knocking on your door about ‘noise complaint’ this, or ‘third drinking offense’ that, or ‘stop sliding pictures of bare asses underneath other students’ doors’. It’s like, ugh, just, you know? I knew college was going to be crazy, but this is insane!” When asked if he felt if his academic performance was suffering from the change, he passed out on the floor, groaning about buying more Bob Marley and John Belushi “College” posters, despite never seeing Animal House. This, however, was one of the lighter cases. If students aren’t synchronizing their lights at night creating penises or hosting room-key parties on the roof, they’re already finding more extreme ways to dismantle the establishment. “This might be taking things a little too far,” said one dubiously defiant freshman, “but I’m planning on pulling the fire alarm in the building during a time when there is clearly no fire present. Everyone’s going to get such a kick out of it, it’s great. I’ll probably get expelled or something, but whatever, it’s college, man.” Illini Tower is currently looking for potential RAs with leadership experience who are comfortable with disregarding all of the above text.

"with no one around, i can take all the bong rips i want!"

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Saturday Night's Show CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Dinosaurs with Lasers! feat. WICK-IT THE INSTIGATOR, DJ SOLO, TEAM BAYSIDE HIGH, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MISS A and more!

TUESDAY: It's the F@!*ING CATALINA WINE MIXER! $8 Bottles of Wine - POW!, $3 Helicopter Bombs, $2 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey Remote Control Helicopter Competition, Win a Trip to San Francisco!

SATURDAY: DJ Kosmo, 10pm No Cover Before 12am!

WED 10/3

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 10/4

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

MIKE GOLDEN & FRIENDS with THE 92's and JAMES MOORE

$2 Wells and Bud Lt. Bottles $3 Everything Else including all Import Bottles and Liquor! $3 Jager Bombs $3 Red Bull UV Vodkas

Blues Jam, FREE! Hosted by The Sugar Prophets

FRI 10/5

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

Korean Student Association presents DJ DANCE PARTY

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

The Deep End Feat. Ricky Wells, Uzumaki, Parry and MC Harsh $2, 10pm

SAT 10/6

Open at 8am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Dinosaurs with Lasers! feat. WICK-IT THE INSTIGATOR, DJ SOLO, TEAM BAYSIDE HIGH, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MISS A and more!

Club Clybourne Lights Out FREE GLOWSTICKS Special Guest DJ!

DJ Kosmo, 10pm No Cover Before 12am!

TIMEFLIES with DJ EV

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER

SPECIAL NIGHT

Now Until Oct 7th: Limited Edition Leinie's Oktoberfest Mugs! $13 for 40oz Mug Filled/$8.50 Refills $8 for Regular Mug/$4.50 Refills You Keep the Mug!

SUN 10/7

Closed

MON 10/8

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints, $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

TUES 10/9

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

OPEN DECKS Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!

It's the F@!*ING CATALINA WINE MIXER! $8 Bottles of Wine - POW! $3 Helicopter Bombs $2 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey Remote Control Helicopter Competition, Win a Trip to San Francisco!

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WED 10/10

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

We’re Pet Friendly!

from the location to the impeccable amenities, and everything in between, who said you couldn’t have it all?

Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday: OKTOBERFEST! Get the 34oz Firehaus Glass Mug! You Keep the Mug Special! Lots of Autumn Beers on Tap! 2:30pm ILLINI vs Wisconsin Watch all the College Games Here!

WED 10/3

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

SATURDAY: WPCD 88.7 Presents Local H Doors Open at 7 pm, $15

Book your next event at Joe's! It's never too early to book winter events! Call 217.384.1790 or fill out the Party Form on our website joesbrewery.com

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Fights! Starting at 10pm 1/2 Price Fall Specials $2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

$3 Strong Islands

THURS 10/4

$5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Three Olives Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Rams vs Cardinals 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night w/ DJ Luniks 10pm - 2am No Cover!

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/5

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

No class? Get a head start on your weekend - Open at 11am! Prize wheel starting at 5pm! Come take a spin for your chance to win! $3 Beam, $3 Pinnacle

SAT 10/6

OKTOBERFEST! Get the 34oz Firehaus Glass Mug! You Keep the Mug Special! Lots of Autumn Beers on Tap! 2:30pm ILLINI vs Wisconsin Watch all the College Games Here! Nebraska vs Ohio St 7pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!

WPCD 88.7 Presents Local H Doors Open at 7 pm, $15

GO ILLINI! 1/2 Price Burgers! $2 Dirty Girl Shots $2 Jager featuring The Dirty Girls $3 Michael Collins $3 Don Q Rum

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The ORIGINAL Sunday Funday! 25% off all appetizers

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

MNJ | MNF TEXANS vs JETS! Come Win Tickets! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $3 Stoli, $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Rasputina - LIVE! Doors Open at 7pm, $15

8th Grade Dance... Every Tuesday at Joe's 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Jose Cuervo

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Fights! Starting at 10pm 1/2 Price Fall Specials $2 Fireball Shots $3 Smirnoff Flavors

SUN 10/7 MON 10/8 TUES 10/9 WED 10/10

Bears vs Jaguars 3:30pm WIN A BEARS JERSEY! $2 ANYTHING

Every Liquor - Every Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings CHARGERS vs SAINTS 7pm

Monday Night Football TEXANS vs JETS! HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm

$15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands Every Wednesday in October! 4 Bands Per Night - $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

MONDAY: Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

SATURDAY: 2nd Birthday Party! Open at 1pm! REVERSE TAILGATE! $1 Drafts, $2 UV Cake Shots FREE PIZZA 2-3pm Lot's of FREE STUFF!

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 10/4

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

WED 10/3

Saturday! Party with Keith Stone from 10PM--11PM! $1 Keystone Light Cans

SPECIAL NIGHT

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Miller Lite Cat Fights 6-8PM! DJ DASH spins the Nite $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/5

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

IL vs. Wisc Game Watch Party at 2:30! $2 ILLINI Bud Cans $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Bud Girls & Giveaways! Party with Keith Stone from 10PM--11PM! $1 Keystone Light Cans

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

2nd Birthday Party! Open at 1pm REVERSE TAILGATE! $1 Drafts, $2 UV Cake Shots FREE PIZZA 2-3pm Lot's of FREE STUFF!

SAT 10/6

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN 10/7

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football! BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts, $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 10/8

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Pinnacle Vodka Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 10/9

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/10

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATENIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

theblacksheeponline.com

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname?: Iron Chef

Bartender nickname?: Magic

Relationship status?: Single

Relationship status: #SingleChlo

Favorite drink?: Green tea vodka

Favorite drink?: Beer bong

What is the best place you’ve ever had sex?: Bryn Mawr Red Line stop. Thanks CTA.

Dream man?: Scott Disick

What works when girls want free drinks at the bar?: The more cleavage, the more drinks.

What’s the worst thing to buy when the cashier is sexy?: Monistat and Cool Whip.

What’s your spirit animal?: Snow Leopard.

Jyoji m. the red lion

Porn star name?: Pepper New England.

Do you identify more with being Japanese or Latino?: Whatever she wants…

Best sex position?: I support the v-card…

Where’s the best place to get an OTPHJ?: The upper deck of Foellinger.

Chocolate cake or sex?: SO MUCH CAKE.

Best sex position?: Doggie

Biggest turn off?: Pasty, hairy, man legs.

How many roofies would it take to knock out Bruce Lee?: 33…. Did I only get asked this because I’m Asian? Dream super power?: No refractory period.

the drinking game

chestbump This game may sound like it’s only made for frat bros, but if you’re a girl who can hold your own when it comes to beer, then feel free to join on in. This game will involve more stinky burps than a roadside truck stop. What You’ll Need: Cups, four ping pong balls, and beer. Number of Players: Four if you want to go hard, more if you actually want to remember your night. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be buying shots for the undercover cops at the bars later on. How to Play: - Have everyone pick a partner and sit across from them around the table. - Every player grabs one beer and divides it up between three cups arranged into a triangle in front of them. If you’re feeling competitive up the ante and play will full cups. - On “Go,” everyone bounces a ping pong ball across the table to their partner. The receiver has to bounce it off his or her chest and get it into one of the cups in front of them. - If your partner succeeds, he or she slides one of the beer cups over to the opponent on the right of them, who now has to chug its contents before continuing bouncing. - After a team has finished all of their cups, one last full beer is placed directly in the middle of the table. The team must double bounce the ball into the cup to win. The Game Ends When: The last beer has been finished and someone spews into the cups in front of them. Drink up, brah!

download our app for all of our drinking games!

chloe m. high dive

Biggest turn on?: When guys buy me food.

Recipe for Disaster

Bacon Cholesterol Toast If you don’t wake up every morning without a craving for greasy delicacies, then something is wrong with you. Just when you thought breakfast toast was just a crunchy piece of burnt bread, we found a recipe to change the world of morning meals. What You’ll Need: About a pound of bacon, bread, and some salt. Cook Time: Ten minutes. Fatty Factor: No amount of Cheerios is going to lower your cholesterol after this. Let’s Get Baked: - Grease up a frying pan and fry up all that bacon on your stove, preferably shirtless after a night of heavy drinking. - After all the bacon stops simmering and popping, remove it from the pan. Drop some bread in the pan with the leftover bacon grease and brown it evenly on both sides. - Once the bread is toasted remove it from the pan and sprinkle both sides with salt. - The way to eat it is up to you. We’re fans of creating a mega bacon weave and sandwiching it between a few slices of our cholesterol toast. Maybe grab some syrup and have some finger food dipping fun? Have 911 and a respirator on standby. You will have trouble breathing and your blood flow may slow down immensely. But it’s super delicious so at least the last thing you eat before you die will be totally worth it.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review booze review: Evan Williams Cinnamon Reserve | grade: B Overview: Nothing tastes like the beginning of fall like intense cinnamon whiskey; good thing we had some Evan Williams Cinnamon Reserve lying around. Tossing back a few shots of this bad boy is not only totally pimp, but also a good substitute for the notorious cinnamon challenge. History: It was the 1990s, and the William Wrigley Jr. Company was in a slump. One of their most popular flavors of gum, Big Red, had recently been pulled from shelves in the United Kingdom and Ireland. After losing a major part of the market, Wrigley needed something to get consumers looking at them again. They experimented with other flavors of gum to appease their neighbors across the sea, but packages of Fish ‘n’ Chips and Shepherd’s Pie weren’t necessarily flying off the shelves. Research and trial flavors went on for years, but it wasn’t until recently that current CEO Martin Radvan had an epiphany. “Why are we focused so much on giving them gum?” he said. “If they really chewed some Orbit on a regular basis, their teeth probably wouldn’t be so disgusting. Let’s give them something they can really use, alcohol.” And so it was written. Wrigley partnered up with Evan Williams and produced

a new line of cinnamon reserve whiskey, which was obviously welcomed with open arms in both Ireland and the UK. Wrigley watched their profits soar and Radvan looked forward to a fruitful, intoxicated future for his company. Typical Drinkers: Leprechauns, Olympic athletes, depressed parents at pumpkin patches, London tourists, women cooking apple pies, and potato farmers. User Comments: “This tastes like a pile of crisp autumn leaves.” “Oh my god, my fucking mouth is on fire.” “Bloody hell!” “Erin go bragh, and make me a sandwich bitch.” “Does anyone have any gum? My breath smells horrible.” Conclusion: Whether you’re a fan of fall flavors or a diehard whiskey enthusiast (or really anything in between) we bet you’ll enjoy Evan Williams’ cinnamon creation. It can be mixed with almost anything to add an extra little kick of spicy lovin’.

Best Mixer: apple juice | Worst Mixer: potato stew

page 18

theblacksheeponline.com

uiuc to form actual grammar police square

uiuc staff wrote this

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

What are you most excited for in fall? “Going home to trick-or-treat with my mom!” - Kyle M., Senior

An innovative new initiative aimed at promoting and enforcing proper grammar among UIUC students is slated to begin at some point later in the current fall semester. According to a highly placed source within the school’s administration, UIUC will officially endorse a new section of the University Police Department, known as the Grammar Patrol and Action Squad (GPAS), which will be responsible for overseeing all issues of grammar incurred by UIUC students. The new program is part of UIUC’s attempt to raise its academic profile in the midst of a national trend of flagging test scores. The school believes that the GPAS will eventually become such an ingrained part of the university that their influence will begin to rub off on students, leading to thousands of graduates who can differentiate between words like “there” and “their.” Rumor has it that the original idea was hatched when a university official read a Facebook post in which one party was called a “grammar Nazi” after attempting to correct a second party’s spelling mistake. After a focus group of school administrators decided the litigation costs of forming an actual Nazi Party to roam the school would be too great, a police force was formed instead. It is believed that the powers of the GPAS will be fairly far-reaching. Already confirmed is its responsibility to review all social media registered under the names of UIUC students for potential misspellings, errors in punctuation, or incomplete sentences. Users of social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr can soon expect all of their previous posts, comments, and tweets to be edited for proper grammar. Other members of GPAS will review a constantly-updating stream of new social media entries and make corrections in real-time as the user posts new content. Despite the apparent violations of privacy and even the right to free speech possibly occurring with this new enterprise, complaints from students thus far have been limited, with many ac-

cepting and even lauding the new system. Once such student had the following post on his Twitter account: “I can’t believe UIUC is allowing this to happen; the very idea of the GPAS is so wrong awesome that it’s ridiculous!”

“Flu shots!” - Jenna C., Senior The Black Sheep has received a tip that the GPAS officers in charge of social media have already begun working. Another power the GPAS will have is the power to discipline students who repeatedly flout the basic rules of the English language. “We have several plans in place for wrongdoers,” said one GPAS officer. “We have large dictionaries already in place for minor repeat offenders—they will be beaten with them, of course. We’re thinking about playing a game of hangman with the more serious offenders. A super special game of hangman…” The officer then began rubbing his hands together while laughing maniacally. One potential concern about the institution of the GPAS is their presence in classrooms during examinations. Some professors believe that their actions will disrupt students’ concentration and focus. Others say that, because the GPAS officers will immediately examine each answer written down and make any necessary corrections, students will not have enough time to finish what would otherwise be relatively short exams. One English professor in particular took issue with the new practice. “This is kind of outrageous,” said the instructor. “My students write essays for their exams, and I’m pretty sure it’s my job to vet them for grammar and writing mistakes, isn’t it? I mean, that’s kind of what grading is. Wait…they’re going to be grading my work for me… Um, nevermind, just forget I said all this. I love this new idea!”

$6.50 LATE NIGHT SPECIALS Everyday after Midnight! WE DELIVER!

Geovanti’s

Chicken & Pizza

ITALIAN BEEF W/ FRIES | 3pc CHICKEN STRIPS W/ FRIES GYRO W/ FRIES | LARGE CHEESE PIZZA IL 401 E. GREEN | (217) 344-4600 | GEOVANTIS.COM

T UN RY EN VE OP M E HT! 3A NIG

“Spiked apple cider.” - Kate C., Junior

Pygmalion 2012: A Review This past Sunday as the independent bloggers of C-U fired up their ink-ribbons and as Sleigh Bells showed up wondering where everybody went, the dust settled in downtown Urbana and we said goodbye to another Pygmalion Music Festival. The weekend had gifted music fans of ChampaignUrbana with performances by acts such as The Dirty Projectors, Best Coast, Grizzly Bear, and other bands with names that make my grandfather confused and uncomfortable. This year The Black Sheep was gifted with VIP wristbands, so the majority of the reviews we can give of the festival are centered mostly around the food that was in the green room. And seriously, my God, that

Thursday:

Psychic Twin, HUM, one really upset looking Sleigh Bells fan. The thing we always love about the smaller bands that play Pygmalion Music Festival is their modesty. This is why we were glad when we saw that the first band to play kept the tradition alive by naming himself “I Am God.” However, it’s too bad that I Am God was playing so early, otherwise more people would have been there to see a dejected-looking bearded man come down from the sky, see the 3 guys in the audience, and then slowly ascend back into the heavens wondering if the world was even ready for his soft blend of Americana folk-rock. Later at the Canopy Club the main show of the night consisted of Dirty Feathers, Psychic Twin, and HUM. It went off without a hitch. With HUM headlining Canopy Club and Santah the Krannert Art Museum, Thursday night was the local band night of the festival. Coincidentally, both bands went out and committed crime alerts after their sets. HUM had a lot on their plates by replacing Sleigh Bells as the short-notice Thursday headliner, but the band killed it nonetheless. As one of the loudest shows of the festival, if anybody didn’t like the music coming out of the speakers they only had to wait until the third song, they wouldn’t be able to hear much of anything at all.

Pygmalion 2012: No Complaints?

A Final Word From an Old Attendee By: Dave Lauer As an extremely infrequent writer for U of I’s #1 comedy-themed drink special directory, I’m expected to make light of the things I cover. I go for the big laughs, or at least as big as 12 jokes about penises gets now a days. You can see then why I was upset that last weekend’s Pygmalion Music Fest was one of the most enjoyable concert experiences I’ve had in a long time. An enjoyable time at Pygmalion equals no conflict, which in turn equals no comedy. And trust me, if this festival had blown, this article would’ve been hilarious. I had so many great lines prepared, you wouldn’t believe it! I’m talking biting satire that would make Voltaire himself want to kiss me on the penis! But sadly, now I can’t write, “Dirty Projectors are but one of many smudges on Pygmalion”. In fact, they were great and whimsical and all of the band members gave me a weird feeling inside that I’m pretty sure was me falling in love with them. And sorry, but you won’t be reading “Dinosaur Jr. disappoints nation when it was revealed to local comedy writer that the band had nothing to do with the show Dinosaurs”. Yes, that one is

poor excuse for a vegetable tray left much to be desired. There wasn’t even any fat-free ranch dip. What is this, Saigon? I did get to eat some hummus with the lead singer of DeathTram, who praised the dish for its touch of mustard. Despite the hors d'oeuvres, The Black Sheep would truly like to say thank you to the fine people who put together this festival and were nice enough (read: didn’t know enough about us) to let us get some pretty great coverage of their event. So sit back, relax, and enjoy reading up about one of America’s best festivals (behind Taste of CU, of course). By: Mike Benson

Friday:

Tennis, Best Coast, Dirty Projectors, some guy who kept saying, “Check two!” With Dirty Feathers playing Thursday and Dirty Projectors playing Friday, we began the second night of the festival in anticipation for the second installment of The Dirty Trilogy (The Dirty Trilogy was finished off on Saturday night with the appearance of Grizzly Bear’s road crew). The night started off in downtown Urbana. While a pretty cool outside venue, it was a bit hard to find, and it was awkward seeing Elsinore being kicked off an MTD bus for not having student IDs. Denver band Tennis played the most surprising sets of the night as they opened up for Dirty Projectors with fun indie pop. Much like the game they are named after, good grooves were being hit back and forth throughout their set (I ran that last sentence by the other photographers in the press pit and they didn’t laugh. They must not have understood it).

Saturday:

Dinosaur Jr., Cloud Nothings, Grizzly Bear, a few more bands that sound just like The Pixies. Saturday night at the Highdive was the home of the highlyanticipated Grizzly Bear show. With two fairly large stages and some pretty large crowds, it was interesting to note Pygmalion is slowly starting to look like a real music festival. All it needs now is a few deaths, swarms of police, and an appearance from Slash to be the next big summer fest. Dinosaur Jr. ended up playing the most lively and intense show of the festival, which is surprising for a band that is old enough to have appeared on Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, coupled with a guitar player with the most laid back stage presence in rock history. I actually think J. Mascus took a thirty minute nap in the middle of the set without anyone noticing. Following them was Cloud Nothings, who ripped through an equally intense set. We were just surprised to hear Cloud Nothings’ music not sound like it was playing through a 19th century ham radio. Grizzly Bear played next. Arriving just at the same time was a shipment of nice warm milk for the audience as they all settled down for a relaxing hour and a half nap. After our snooze we all went inside Highdive for DJ sets by DJs Mertz and Belly to dance the night away. And boy, did we ever.

Dirty Projectors came on after and played the second best show of the weekend next to Dinosaur Jr. They opened up with the title track of their new album Swing Lo Magellan, which was the greatest thing ever. After their set we went over to their merch booth and told the guy to tell the band that their set was great and that the cover of their new album is cool. I don’t think he told them. The night was finished off by indie rock royalty Best Coast at the Canopy Club. Throughout their set we felt like we were surfing on a beach in California. Then the drugs wore off and we drank some more.

partly true, but apparently it doesn’t make sense, and the disappointment was offset by Dinosaur Jr.’s spectacular guitar-driven rock. Even the things outside of Pygmalion’s control that I would’ve blamed them for were perfect! The weather was so beautiful that my awkward small-talk with cute girls about what great weather we were having actually made for a good conversation (Editors Note: no, it did not). And I heard barely any douchebags yelling song requests at bands. And I didn’t spill my beer, not even once! I did trip once on a parking lot thingy, but it was after the last show on Saturday, and I was outside the venue so, according to my lawyers, Pygmalion is not liable. Goddamn you, Pygmalion, for being so fun! I mean, that large lot next to Black Dog in Urbana that was the perfect size for the Dirty Projectors’ show – where the hell did that come from? And beer as low as $2.50?! Don’t you know you’re supposed to up the price of that shit to like $17.00. How else will you make an extremely bloated profit?

But alas, you opted not to be terrible so now there is literally no other way to cover this thing. The Buzz already stole the best material last week. I didn’t actually read any of their articles, but on the cover they had a clipart picture of a pig, a male, and a lion. THAT SPELLS PYGMALION, ALMOST! I hope that graphic designer got promoted for his amazing idea, although if he didn’t, the Pulitzer he’ll win for it should be good enough recognition. So honestly, I’m sorry that I have nothing mean (and thus funny) to say about Pygmalion. I know we live in an age where sincerity is looked down upon in favor of irony and glasses wearing. But, hey, don’t worry! Before you know it, next years’ Pygmalion will be here for me to snarkily pick on. Perhaps they will have a stage that is too small! Or maybe they’ll book a band that plays guitars too slow. Or, heaven forbid, too fast! Can you imagine how funny that would be? I gotta start planning some jokes.sincerely apologize for this oversight, and I hope my credibility has not been damaged.)

the interview

zedd

If you haven’t heard the name Zedd, you have definitely heard his work. At twenty-three, having worked with an ambit of major artists – from Baby Biebs to Skrillex – Zedd has produced several chart-topping beats. Stepping into the spotlight with a full-length album, Clarity, Zedd is an artist worth picking up on (and following on Twitter @Zedd). By Quinn The Black Sheep: You’ve produced and toured with some pretty major artists - do you prefer being behind the scenes producing beats, or working on your own? Zedd: It really depends. I obviously love doing my own music because I don’t have to please anyone with my music. With all my love and respect to my whole team - at the end of the day the only thing that matters to me is that I truly love something I did. If I do work for other people, especially major artists, there are so many people you have to make happy - compromises have to be made which I don’t like. At the same time I can try new things out if I work for other people that I would probably not have done for myself. TBS: You released Clarity to iTunes on October 2nd (October 9th everywhere). After a long list of singles and remixes, what made you transition to a full-length album? Zedd: You know, I really like releasing singles because you can put something out right after you finish it, and it’s still fresh and hot. Making a full-length album is very difficult, especially for us DJs who tour 24/7. Making an album is a huge commitment, but it also gives you the chance of expressing yourself in a way that is more detailed than you could ever do it with singles. If you put out a single all the attention is on one track. With an album you can very well show a wider range of yourself, make songs that would probably not be a good single, but a great album track, and fulfill a certain roll in an album - just like the tension is not constantly high in a movie, there’s ups and downs. I’m not talking about fillers; in fact I believe my album doesn’t have any fillers, but tracks can definitely tell a story in a context of an album that singles can’t. TBS: Any track you are particularly excited for on Clarity, or are they all equally awesome? Zedd: It’s very close to impossible to pick my favorite song. “Hourglass” is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written in my whole life and ... yeah ... it’s really just the whole album that I’m mostly excited about, more than particular tracks. TBS: How do you describe Clarity in comparison to your past work? Zedd: Well, I think to a certain degree it’s probably a little bit more adult and experienced. Where the focus sometimes has been on making a big club hit before, the focus on this album is to make music that is so timeless you can listen to it in 30 years and still be proud of the musicality in it. TBS: How do you build songs? Like, how did you come up with mixing Skrillex and The Doors for “Breakin’ a Sweat?” Zedd: Usually I’ll just play around on a keyboard or piano till I come up with the melodic / harmonic part; mostly the chorus or the hook. Then I make the parts around it. With my “Breakn’ A Sweat” remix Skrillex asked me to do a remix so that was a no-brainer for me. TBS: When you play live shows, do you feed off the crowd or do you come in with a strict setlist? Zedd: It’s a good mix of both. I prepare for shows depending on where I play and what type of crowd is expected. But a lot of the times the crowd will be completely different from what you expect, and in that case I switch up things. I have certain routines but there’s never a strict setlist. TBS: Your parents are musicians, and you started studying classic piano at a young age - how has that influenced you? And how much do your parents love your music? Zedd: It influenced me very much because I’ve learned about music theory, and learned to play several instruments – that’s stuff I can use to make music that’s a little different from a lot of other producers. This doesn’t mean they’re better or worse; it’s just different and I like being different. My parents actually like the music! They’ve never listened to electronic music before but they like the “musical” part of my music more than the sound-design aspect. TBS: Of those major artists you’ve worked with, are there any weird similarities you find between them? Like, do Skrillex and Baby Biebs have anything in common that the layman wouldn’t know? Zedd: [Laughs] Well, the biggest similarities are that they all share the same passion: music! Skrillex and Bieber, I’d say, have fairly different personalities but they’re both very passionate about what they do in their own ways. TBS: Your Twitter is pretty hilarious - is that all you? Zedd: [Laughs] Thank you! It is all me - and probably sometimes a little bit too much of “me” but I enjoy not thinking too much about what I say there. TBS: Also on Twitter, your about me is “Shave it up,” what’s that about? Zedd: Illuminati man... It’s all Illuminati! TBS: What’s one thing you can’t tour without? Zedd: I can’t tour without shows! I really can’t!

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

Jersey Shore Season 6 Premiere Thursday, Oct. 4 at 10pm on MTV The final season of the cultural phenomenon made up of meatballs and meatheads is coming to a tearful end, the kind that only comes after six shots of vodka annd a drunk dial to mother. The dynamic of the house is different this time, however, with Nicole being 6 months pregnant. How will sober Snooki do in a house full of alcoholic maniacs? We can’t wait to see.

v/h/s In Theaters Oct. 5

This film, comprised of five short films, revolves around a woven narrative of a group of guys who break into a creepy house in search of one particular VHS. They then watch five, each of which is more messed up then the one before, and all terrifying as hell. V/H/S was available on iTunes weeks ago, so take it from us that this is one of the scariest movies you’ll see...except for those movies inside the movies.

mellowhype - numbers out oct. 9 Odd Future members Hodgy Beats and Left Brain team up to form the Los Angeles hip-hop duo MellowHype. With two studio albums already under their belt, not to mention plenty of features on Odd Future and Tyler, the Creator albums, and even a song on the Madden NFL 12 video game, these wacky dudes are certainly on their way to certified success.

mad swag

Would you consider yourself a trill OG? Are you down with that flow, yo? Are you reading this thinking, “Whoever wrote this is painfully white.”? Well, la-tee-dah. More importantly, can you decipher our Mad Swag? Below are several mondegreens -words replacing similar-sounding words - of well-known rap lyrics. Can you figure out what these artists are sayin? email us the title of the song the lyric is from to madgab@theblacksheeponline. com and if you get them all right, you’ll win a prize!

Lives ab i tch hand ten nude eye

Soup her intend does egg a ninja sis

Hi loafed win ewe calming beak pop huh

So far ash soak lean

Rapper: Nas

Rapper: Notorious B.I.G.

Rapper: Outkast

Hue mice hunch tine

Hi got nigh tee nigh bro blooms

La booty bro Emma moth kin pawn star

Yellow bee distiller orgy

Rapper: Lupe Fiasco

Rapper: Jay-Z

Rapper: Kanye West

Rapper: Dr. Dre

Smock we derriere

Adjust dope lava truck

Icee herb toy French ate in lick an idiot

Doughnut even a views my ache

Rapper: Snoop Dogg

Rapper: Eminem

Rapper: Lil’ Wayne

Rapper: Ice Cube

the classtime

90’s music stars Across

4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s godmother's. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.

8) Now she’s dancing with somebody upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.

Down

1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course.

Answers

Courses you can access, well...anywhere. Unlimited monthly access to loads of grad school test prep and college courses you can study on your computer, iPhone, Android + iPad.

GRE Statistics GMAT Chemistry LSAT Calculus

at benchprep.com/uofillinois

Accounting MCAT Anatomy PCAT Nursing + many more!

six degrees of seperation

2 1

Think you know how Blake Lively and Alec Baldwin are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!

Champaignâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s premier student living Close to Campus + all-inClusive living

fully furnished apartments + individual leases + 24-hr fitness center + computer center + free on-site community laundry

apply online today @ tower3rd.com | 217.367.0720 | 302 e. John Street, Suite 100