The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 7 10/3/12 - 10/10/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
illini tower loses all ras
becomes chillest hall on campus tex mex wrote this Following the recent trend of RAs resigning their positions at Illini Tower, the newest batch of Resident Assistants, or “lackeys” as defined by the private-certified residency hall, were seen storming out of the building enraged in spiteful disgust. This currently leaves IT with no RAs on staff, making it what most freshman students are deeming “literally the chillest place on campus, bro.” Just as the first string of RAs quit due to disagreements with management, the newest group of runaways shares similar sentiments. After speaking with an anonymous former RA, we were told that, in an effort to keep more RAs from making the best decision of their lives, Illini Tower management attempted to implement a new list of guidelines that the RAs would have to comply with. Some of the terms and conditions included: - RAs must wear shock collars at all times and must not lwander beyond a 20 foot radius of the building. - RAs must, in addition to the $5,000 housing fee, cover the following utilities: water, plumbing, electric, garbage, Internet, mandatory donations to the “We <3 Our RAs” fund, and upper management’s Netflix subscriptions. - RAs must cook all meals in the dining hall (the previous cooking staff left over culinary differences). This includes breakfast, lunch, and dinner as well as all ethnic/borderline racist theme nights. - RAs must attach the phrase “is the greatest place on Earth” to the name “Illini Tower” in all emails, texts, and verbal speech. - RAs must occasionally file maintenance requests to make the elevators even slower. - RAs must give students less than 24 hours to move out if caught drinking in their dorms. The end of the document also lists a non-disclosure agreement stating that the RAs waive their rights to attend class for the remainder of their undergraduate careers, as they will be rewarded in Valhalla and given back their $25 application deposit fees after a lifetime of service.
Leave My Orchard Alone!
“It was the most idiotically bizarre thing I’ve ever witnessed,” said the former RA. “When we asked management why the previous RAs left, they just stood there with menacingly nervous grins while they began chaining up the front doors.” While it’s clear that the RAs and students have differing stances on this phenomenon, we reached out to IT management to hear their thoughts on the matter.
we were beyond shocked at some of their insinuations. We have always complied with state and federal employment law. I mean, read up on the regulations yourself. Sure, we cannot violently harm our employees, but nowhere in any sort of legislation does it say anything about threatening employees with cattle prods and Khan Dynasty methods of torture. People need to get their facts straight before they potentially harm the namesake of a reputable company.”
“We have always treated our RAs with the highest level of respect and compassion,” said an upper management representative. When this semester’s batch of hapless vict—er, strong models of leadership and service called it quits on us,
We then fact-checked the representative's claims regarding legislations involving threatening employees and, aside from the Ancient Mongolian Torture is Totally Not Okay Act of 1969, we questioned the reliability of the representative’s claims.
what’s inside
An Ode to the Doorman
continued on page 10
The Top 10: Fallen Stars
Drunk students no longer wanted at Curtis Apple Orchard.
a salute to The man, the myth, and the legend.
Some are dead, some are forgotten, and most all are on drugs.
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