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The Booze News
Vol. 23, Issue 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/2/13 - 10/9/13
Urbana Calls in Champaign Police for Weekend’s Festival BY: kitty kat On Saturday, October 5th, Urbana will host its 12th annual Beer and Food Truck Festival near the corner of Main and Broadway in downtown Urbana. This event is sure to draw a large crowd due to its proximity to U of I, which is notoriously full of drunken students who love food trucks and 75-cent samples of the finest craft beers around. Since Urbana is very unfamiliar with the party scene—except for the occasional mega concert over at Canopy Club—they’re planning on bringing in some extra forces this weekend to keep festival-goers safe and sloshed: the Champaign Police Department. “We deal with a lot of shit over on the Champaign side of campus,” Lieutenant Horace Spudnutt said. “All the frats, the bars, the apartment parties, girls shitting themselves outside of Red Lion. We’ve seen it all. Urbana should be a piece of cake. What do they have over there, anyway? A bunch of tight pants kids smoking doobies?” Lieutenant Spudnutt of the Champaign Police has been part of the force for almost 35 years. He has been called to the scene of many bumpin’ parties at U of I, especially during move-in weekend and Unofficial. Lots of students refer to him as “that asshole cop,” known for never cutting kids a break. “Each year I lead the station in number of underage drinking tickets distributed in one academic year. Come at me.” It has also been confirmed that the lieutenant has the largest penis out of his cop companies, standing at a strong 7.3 inches when half-chubbed. Even with the Champaign Police Department’s stellar background, Urbana took their time making the decision to ask for their assistance. “We were hesitant at first to call in their help,” Office Charles Truman of the Urbana Police Department admitted to our reporter. “Just from what we’ve seen and heard from students, we never really see Champaign cops busting any parties or anything like that. They usually just do some laps around the frats and check parking meters. We didn’t really consider them ‘the real deal,’ you know?” Students also confirmed Officer Truman’s concerns. “They’re not as tough as they think they are,” senior Mike Coughlin laughed. “I threw a rager last weekend with more 19-year-old chicks than I can put my
dick in. One of them even ran out into the street naked and puked as a cop drove by. He didn’t say nothin’!” Coughlin went on to confess, however, that his car was towed the following day after he was overparked at a Sixth Street meter for 15 minutes. “We finally decided to bring them over here because, honestly? It’s going to be a good time,” Office Truman said. “We never really get
to hangout with the Champaign cops except for our annual 16-inch softball game in June. And occasionally their sheriff will invite us all over for a BBQ at his sister’s ranch house out in Savoy. They’re a bunch of cool dudes. And what happens when you combine cool dudes with even more cool dudes?” Officer Truman paused, nodding smugly. “You get real messed up.” continued on page 19
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See how dreamy he is on Saturday, Oct. 5 at Canopy club.