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The Booze News
Vol. 23, Issue 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/2/13 - 10/9/13
Urbana Calls in Champaign Police for Weekend’s Festival BY: kitty kat On Saturday, October 5th, Urbana will host its 12th annual Beer and Food Truck Festival near the corner of Main and Broadway in downtown Urbana. This event is sure to draw a large crowd due to its proximity to U of I, which is notoriously full of drunken students who love food trucks and 75-cent samples of the finest craft beers around. Since Urbana is very unfamiliar with the party scene—except for the occasional mega concert over at Canopy Club—they’re planning on bringing in some extra forces this weekend to keep festival-goers safe and sloshed: the Champaign Police Department. “We deal with a lot of shit over on the Champaign side of campus,” Lieutenant Horace Spudnutt said. “All the frats, the bars, the apartment parties, girls shitting themselves outside of Red Lion. We’ve seen it all. Urbana should be a piece of cake. What do they have over there, anyway? A bunch of tight pants kids smoking doobies?” Lieutenant Spudnutt of the Champaign Police has been part of the force for almost 35 years. He has been called to the scene of many bumpin’ parties at U of I, especially during move-in weekend and Unofficial. Lots of students refer to him as “that asshole cop,” known for never cutting kids a break. “Each year I lead the station in number of underage drinking tickets distributed in one academic year. Come at me.” It has also been confirmed that the lieutenant has the largest penis out of his cop companies, standing at a strong 7.3 inches when half-chubbed. Even with the Champaign Police Department’s stellar background, Urbana took their time making the decision to ask for their assistance. “We were hesitant at first to call in their help,” Office Charles Truman of the Urbana Police Department admitted to our reporter. “Just from what we’ve seen and heard from students, we never really see Champaign cops busting any parties or anything like that. They usually just do some laps around the frats and check parking meters. We didn’t really consider them ‘the real deal,’ you know?” Students also confirmed Officer Truman’s concerns. “They’re not as tough as they think they are,” senior Mike Coughlin laughed. “I threw a rager last weekend with more 19-year-old chicks than I can put my
dick in. One of them even ran out into the street naked and puked as a cop drove by. He didn’t say nothin’!” Coughlin went on to confess, however, that his car was towed the following day after he was overparked at a Sixth Street meter for 15 minutes. “We finally decided to bring them over here because, honestly? It’s going to be a good time,” Office Truman said. “We never really get
to hangout with the Champaign cops except for our annual 16-inch softball game in June. And occasionally their sheriff will invite us all over for a BBQ at his sister’s ranch house out in Savoy. They’re a bunch of cool dudes. And what happens when you combine cool dudes with even more cool dudes?” Officer Truman paused, nodding smugly. “You get real messed up.” continued on page 19
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Students Make Pact to Get Shit Together
The Top Ten Illinois Gift Ideas
Our Interview with Aaron Carter
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See how dreamy he is on Saturday, Oct. 5 at Canopy club.
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#goodtimes Word
Kitty Kat, I’m freaking out right now. I have a HUGE midterm this week that I am completely unprepared for. I’m not a good enough of a liar to fake it with the Emergency Dean, so I’m desperate and willing to do anything to buy my self a few extra days! What should I do? Sincerely, Horribly Healthy and Utterly Unprepared Dear Horrible, Take a breath. We’ll get through this. It’s going to be a little messy … and a little gross … but it’s going to work. The night before the exam, go on an Asian restaurant crawl. Just break into your bank account, take out a couple hundred dollars and splurge. Out of all the Chinese restaurants on or around campus, you’re bound to come across some sort of bacteria infection or health code violation somewhere. That’s what we’re looking for here. After you’re filled to the brim with miso soup, get your friends together and rage hard. Have a huge tequila pregame, throw back some Jager barrels at Joe’s and make a stop at Cracked on the way home. The key now is don’t sleep. Whatever you do, DO NOT fall asleep. You need to be as lethargic and miserable as possible when you walk into the lecture hall in the morning. Do whatever it takes to stay up; we suggest running laps, doing jumping jacks or learning a dance from the latest Disney Channel musical hit. You’re going to want to look a little sweaty. When 9 a.m. rolls around, you’re gonna be a mess. And it’s gonna be awesome. Walk up to the professor, smile, reach for your Scantron and just let it fly. Just vom all over him. Give it everything you got. Channel Lardass from Stand By Me as your puke-spiration. Not only will you be getting out of the exam but so will the entire class. So another upside to this is a lot of new friends! Good luck, Kitty Kat
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Dejerkted
of the
A sad masturbation session after being blue-balled. “Simon dejerkted and went to bed after Hailey didn’t reciprocate his advances in the student health services waiting room.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Stanford’s Tree
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker.
Last Week’s Answer: Chris Paul Wall
Barn Dance Enthusiast
Visits Real Barn By: Strawberry Shortcock Besides days that have been slowly growing shorter, there are only three ways to know with certainty that fall has arrived on the Illinois campus. The first indicator of the changing seasons is the hour-plus you spent in class without wading in a pool of swamp ass (not because it’s cooler than those first couple weeks, but because you’ve stopped going to class). The second sign is, of course, that one welcoming email from the October Lovers club, who you never had the heart to unsubscribe from after your freshman year Quad Day. The third—and to date, most reliable—sign of fall is the phenomenon known as “barn dance.” This year, The Black Sheep caught up with veteran barn dancer Ross Harrison, a senior in business and self-described plaid aficionado. In order to prepare for his first barn dance of year, Harrison spent a day over the summer volunteering on the Obrey family farm just west of Bloomington. “I was really excited to experience, you
know, the ‘real thing,' and I thought it’d be awesome—that I was ready,” said Harrison, whose tone of voice and unwillingness to make eye contact reminded The Black Sheep interviewers of the day after anyone lost their virginity, ever. Harrison said he showed up to the farm wearing full barn dance attire: a red flannel button-down, boot cut jeans that perfectly contoured his ass, an oversized belt buckle reading “SHAKE THAT HONKY TONK,” a straw hat he stole during his last barn dance, and seven condoms. He says he even put “that one Luke Bryan song about country girls shakin’ it” on his iPod for the car ride. When Harrison arrived, farm owner Dale Obrey greeted him, wearing regular jeans and a plain grey t-shirt. “I was a little confused,” Harrison said, visibly distant. “Not only did he not look like a farmer, but they didn’t even really have a barn. It looked more like an empty warehouse, and their
tractors didn’t look very fun to drive at all. Dale wouldn’t even let me sit on their John Deere riding lawn mower. Seriously, I asked.” Allegedly, Obrey put Harrison to work for the majority of the day. “He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Ross, I’m real happy that you decided to come out today. Lemme grab you a hoe real quick, and I’ll teach you how to bean walk.' I was surprised when he didn’t come back with some hot Carrie Underwood lookin’ daughter and teach me a sexy country version of the Dougie.” As it turns out, bean is walking is not at all like “walking it out,” “doing the stanky leg” or any other dance move that misled Harrison. Instead, bean walking is a monotonous chore that involves walking up and down aisles of soybeans and picking weeds. And most people know that a hoe can also sometimes mean a type of farm equipment.
“On our way to the field, he laughed really hard and went, ‘You’re never gonna want to hear the word ‘weed’ after this.’ Talk about misleading,” Harrison said. Harrison says the day of hard work gave him calluses on his hands and that he’s been using Vaseline to try and smooth them out ever since. After only a day spent on the farm, Harrison has vowed to never go back, even if that means missing the fourteen barn dances he had originally planned on attending this year. “Look, man,” Harrison said. “Here’s the
deal. There was no Loretta the Chex-Mix lady. There were no girls in Daisy Dukes with boobs struggling to pop out of an American Eagle plaid shirt. And when I tried to take a swig from the collapsible hip flask I’d snuck with me, I got a lecture on how drinking is the easiest way to lead you away from the Lord.” At the end of the interview, Harrison offered to donate his barn dance paraphernalia to The Black Sheep in case our readers ever demand “literally the most satirical barn dance of all time.” They have sheep at farms, right?
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Students Make Pact to Get Their Shit Together By: Dan Mirabelli As the first round of midterms comes to an end, many students have been shaken to their core as the reality of being at school has finally hit them. The results of the exams took an especially hard toll on two freshmen living in the Six Pack. “I honestly thought that Syllabus Week was a semesterlong thing, not just literally a week,” said Pete Donnelly, a civil engineering major. Pete, along with his roommate, had been going out five nights a week since school began in August, and they were caught with their dicks in the door (so to speak) when they were slapped in the face with four exams in the past week. Pete’s roommate Steven Billings humbly noted, “Low key, I was our class valedictorian and never studied for a test in my life. School has always been a joke for me.” They received a total of 5 F’s, 2 D’s and an inexplicable A earned by Pete on his ATMS 120 exam. When asked how they studied for the exams and if they attended review sessions, their responses were not politically correct: “Do I look like a limp dick faggot?” exclaimed Pete. “Review sessions are for try-hards and needledicks,” added Steven, the previously mentioned valedictorian. When we tried to explain to them that said “needledicks” would probably end up with higher GPAs than “cool cats” that refused to attend review sessions, they were still not
impressed. “The only GPA I care about is Guns, Pussy and Alcohol” said Steven, who received an excited high-five from Pete. When pressed to divulge how much they had actually studied for the exam, they said that they had skimmed the practice exams before they took their midterms but didn’t actually do any of the problems. When asked if they had photographic memories, they laughed and Pete commented that he didn’t have a photographic memory but instead had a “pornographic” memory. When asked to further explain what that entailed, he said, “It’s like normal memory, but everything is like sex.” It was only when they saw the email from their advisors that they began to realize how dire their situation actually is. Faced with two write-ups from their RA for “breaking in and peeing on a foreign exchange student’s bed” and “putting lube on everyone’s doorknobs” on top of their less-than-satisfactory grades, the two are looking at expulsion if their grades do not show improvement. The two have decided that they are making an oath to “get their shit together” in order to bring their grades back up. Although they were informed that not every oath has to be a blood oath, the two were insistent that the pact be written and signed in their blood “to let each other know it was real.” After the first few words, however, a red pen was quickly brought out, as well as antiseptic and Band-Aids. When asked why they stopped writing in blood, Pete explained through tears “from his allergies,”
that it was simply unsanitary. Steven spelled out the details of the oath to us, which included cutting down partying to three nights per week, as well as a mutual obligation to start attending discussion sections. “We decided on not including lecture in the oath, because we both know that we’re just going to play Clash of Clans the whole time, so we’re just gonna bite the bullet on that one,” Pete added, which elicited approval from Steven.
The two also agreed that they will be doing their best to attend their TA office hours if they start falling behind, but Steven made it clear that he would not be attending his economics office hours because his TA is a “total hippie gay-wad that needs to get a haircut and stop talking about NPR.” Although these two students still need to make up a lot of ground, it is heartening to see that they have taken some steps to get their house back into order. We will be keeping up with these two and will give an update in a couple months to see if they are serious about their oath, since it is mostly written in red pen and not blood.
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Quiet Kid in ENGL 449 Gets Sufficient Amount of Exercise Nervously Talking in Class BY: Jupiter Stevens Miles Baker, a total nerd in ENGL 449, has reported that he gets a sufficient amount of exercise from nervously moving around when called upon to talk in class. Baker, 19, reported the healthy news after his monthly check-up at the McKinley Health Center earlier this week. “The doctors told me I was in as good of shape as most swimmers in the Olympics,” Baker said. “I guess it adds up,
since my English professor requires us to talk at least once per class period.”
anything like it,” Dr. Johnson said. “He could probably snap my neck with one hand.”
Students in ENGL 449 said that every time Baker is called on in class, he frantically switches between sitting up and leaning back in his chair, hectically talking with his hands.
Baker said the release of the latest Call of Duty was the factor that most contributed to his muscle increase. “People always think it comes from my nervous tics in class, but many of them just underestimate the amount of video games I play,” Baker pointed out, refusing to make eye contact and sweating profusely. “To be honest, a lot of it also comes from never having a girlfriend. You've got to pull a lot of the weight yourself in those types of situations.”
“I'm surprised he hasn't pissed his pants yet,” Chris Patterson, a student in ENGL 449 said. “Sometimes I'm afraid he'll hit me.” Patterson said he learned his lesson after the first week of class when he had to avoid Baker's wild gyrations as h e b ro u g ht u p a n “i n t e re s t i n g” point about Walt Whitman's prose. Dr. Dan Johnson said that he couldn't believe the muscles on Baker's forearms. “I've never seen
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While Baker's physical health is safe, it's the sophomore's mental well-being that must be monitored as he attempts to finish out the semester. “I just hope he doesn't break down while we're in class,” Patterson admitted. “Oh, who am I kidding? Watching this kid flip his shit in discussion section is the only reason I come to these things anymore.”
Adorable Couple
on the Quad Doesn’t Even See Winter Coming By: Jupiter Stevens Reports are coming into The Black Sheep that freshmen Todd Hunter and Sarah Sanders, a loving couple enjoying the comfortable fall weather on the Quad together, don't even see winter coming. According to one witness, the two suckers have reportedly been basking in the nice weather and just hanging out on the Quad for weeks. “They're kissing, drinking coffee, reading, the whole nine yards,” another witness said. “Those fucking idiots don't even see what's about to hit 'em.” Hunter and Sanders were overheard talking about their future together and were reported to have already been planning out how they'll pay off the mortgage on their four bedroom home. Just two months later, the adorable couple is expected to experience a traumatic break-up that will see Hunter's favorite t-shirts, DVDs and posters torn to shreds, while a three-foot layer of snow blankets the Quad -- the couple's frequent dating spot. “I just can't imagine anything changing about this place,” Sanders said, laying back in Hunter's arms on the grass. “Sort of like Todd, here. He's never going to change. We're already 18 and in love; I've
sort of got life figured out already.” One student briefly stopped as she walked by the couple, faintly hearing an ear-piercing scream from six weeks in the future, which strongly resembled Sanders' voice, “YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME!” However, only two months into freshman year, Hunter and Sanders naively said they've got it all. “I just can't believe people have a hard time finding true love,” Hunter said, holding Sanders' hand as she listened to her iPod. “Life's great, man. And seriously, can you believe this weather? Not a cloud in the sky.”
UIUC Officials to Put Boots on Bikes (Not on Feet)
The
Top
Ten
Illinois Gift Ideas By: Ben Bicardi
With the holiday season approaching quickly, The Black Sheep decided that it would be nice to come up with some Illinois-themed gift ideas you can stuff stockings with this year. Local bookstores, bars and restaurants, please consider these as the holiday season comes closer. 10.) Brothers Brand Tampons: Nothing screams “Brothers” like extra-absorbent tampons! Imagine the selling power if the Illinois hot spot was to advertise these during weekends, especially during those nights when their lines are notoriously long and the toilet paper is gone. Suggested Slogan: “Stop the Blood with Brothers!” 9.) T.I.S. Bookstore LEGO Set: Who doesn’t love LEGOs? Buy this one for your little brother or sister and laugh along with them as they build Champaign’s favorite bookstore. Make sure you get the expansion package with the construction site at Sixth and Green. Build-a-Bear has nothing on Build-a-Bookstore! 8.) Illinois Football Pacifier: For those Illini parents out there, start out your child’s fandom early with a football-shaped, orange and blue pacifier. Make sure your children know which team to root for right from the beginning. Your baby can suck, just like the Illini Football team does! 7.) Joe’s Take-Home Stripper Pole: For those people who love to get down and dirty in the Joe’s pole room or for those just too shy to do it in front of other people, the Joe’s Take-Home Stripper Pole is the perfect gift for everybody. Maybe you want to impress mom? Maybe your mom wants to impress you?! Its collapsible-yet-sturdy frame makes it durable and portable so you can put on a show anywhere.
By: Winnie Bago Sorry guys, no boots for students this winter. Due to a misunderstanding between campus officials and students, winter boot sales in the UrbanaChampaign area plummeted by 200%. The University of Illinois recently announced that it would begin booting bicycles locked to anything other than designated bicycle racks. The bike boots are similar to boots placed on cars, and they will stay on bikes until the student pays to have them removed. Students interpreted the new booting law to mean that the university was going to “pay it forward” by providing them with some insulated footwear. Since students pay such high tuition rates and fall hopelessly into debt, they figured the university would finally be generous and give back. Students thought that when they locked their bikes to anything solid and standing on campus, they would receive a free pair of boots for being green-friendly. “I literally sold my left lung to pay my bills,” James Underway, senior in aerospace engineering, said. “I don’t have time for a side job while becoming a rocket scientist here, and how am I thanked? With nothing. This is going to be one cold-ass winter.” Faculty members laughed when they found out about the misunderstanding. To rub it in students’ faces, facilities and services staff members are now required to photograph the bikes they boot. The photos are posted on Reddit, generating positive Internet feedback for the University but not by the students. As fall approaches, students are panicking about what to cover their feet with over the winter. ATM machines across campus were overdrawn in September when students thought they’d get free boots. “Since I didn’t have to use my money to buy boots, I used it to buy a round of shots for everyone at Murphy’s Thursday night,” Leo Tolboy, junior in business, said. “I didn’t even ask my dad to bring my
6.) Tim Beckman Chewing Tobacco: After last year’s controversy involving Coach Tim Beckman chewing tobacco on the sidelines of a game, this new brand of tobacco appeared on the market. He got into a bit of trouble for it, but as former General Manager of Monday Night Raw, Eric Bischoff, once said, “Controversy creates cash.” When you choose/chews Beckman, you can’t lose, unlike Illini Football.
boots down on Dads Weekend. I guess I just won’t go outside when December comes.” As a last resort, students are calling their grandparents to ask how they managed to walk uphill (both ways) to and from school in the snow, without any shoes. “Finally, she’s listening to my pathetic, nostalgic stories from the Great Depression,” Lou Dant, grandfather of a UIUC student said. McKinley Health Center will set up a frostbite department to aid students who will suffer in the snowy months. The main McKinley building is thought to not be large enough to accommodate the anticipated demand, so they have reserved the track in the Armory for all of winter to tend to students. “And there is only an expected wait time of ten hours for each visitor!” Nurse Coolington reassured. University ROTC had no response to losing the Armory Track to McKinley, only stern faces with no eye contact. Sororities are getting a jump on their annual philanthropy projects after hearing the news. They plan to join together to set up stations along the South Quad. The stations will be equipped to insulate rain boots for their fellow sorority sisters, but those who do not own rain boots will not be served. Concerned parents are calling whichever UIUC department’s number they find first on Google to complain about the misunderstanding; however, the concerned parents fall silent and hang up with no answer when asked if they are concerned enough to drive to central Illinois to bring their children winter boots. The University has decided to apologize for the misunderstanding with an alternative. While the bicycle boot rule will continue to be enforced, every student in the dorm will receive complimentary shower shoes donated from the local nail salons’ supplies of foam flip-flops.
5.) The Daily Illini Toilet Paper: Since they’ve been hurting for some cash, The Daily Illini should invest in some other paper products that people will actually use. Perhaps toilet paper? If they just sell old issues and call it toilet paper, nobody would ever be able to tell the difference! 4.) Fat Sandwich Colonoscopy Machines: A popular eatery for drunk students, Fat Sandwich is known for their over-the-top fatty sandwiches. For the truly dedicated few who indulge in Fat Sandwich on the reg, the restaurant should consider selling their very own colonoscopy devices out of concern for their customers’ health. People can’t come back and eat if they’re dead! 3.) Alma Mater Blowup Doll: Many people were upset when they found out that the Alma Mater wouldn’t be around for their graduation, and other people just really love the Alma Mater. So if there were any way to truly please all of these people, a blow up doll of Alma would really do the trick as a photo op and a bedtime partner. As the statue says, “Her children will rise up and call her blessed.” 2.) Red Lion Diapers: After the Red Lion Poop Girl incident, it would be advantageous for them to sell diapers to people who like to frequent their establishment. That way you don’t have to worry about incontinence when you’re dancing the night away on some dude from Sigs. 1.) Kam’s Scented Candles: You haven’t truly experienced Champaign until you’ve visited Kam’s. The aroma sticks in your nose for days afterward, so why not make a profit off of it by selling the scent in candle form? It would be a great gift for alumni who called Kam’s home during their tenure here. A Kam’s Scented Candle is a must buy this holiday season.
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Our Interview with Aaron Carter By: Kitty Kat Ladies, get 911 dialed into your cell phones. Our childhood heartthrob Aaron Carter will be on campus at Canopy Club on October 5. Tickets are reasonably priced, and it’s a Saturday night. What reason is there NOT to go? I, in the defining moment of my life, got to chat with Aaron over the phone last week about his current tour and plans for the future. Although I probably embarrassed myself by giggling uncontrollably and asking stupid questions, Aaron was nice enough to deal with me for the time being and even called me “babe” at the end. It was awesome. The Black Sheep: So, Aaron, you’re currently on tour and making a lot of stops at college towns like Champaign for the University of Illinois. What made you want to get back on tour after your other various projects like Dancing With the Stars and theater performances? Aaron Carter: I’ve really always wanted to be back out on the road. It’s really hard for me to make connections with fans and get people to start believing in me again without it. TBS: What can fans expect from the shows? Are there a lot of old, familiar songs or new ones? AC: It’s a little bit of everything. It’s songs from my past; it’s songs on the radio currently. I do some covers, and there’s some of my new stuff as well. TBS: What would you say is your favorite song to
perform? What really gets the audience going? AC: “Aaron’s Party.” TBS: Speaking of partying … do you usually go out after your shows (since you’re visiting a lot of universities) or call it a night and pack it in? AC: It depends on what’s going on the next day. And I still have to be responsible and take care of my voice. TBS: Does it feel like you’re receiving the same energy and excitement like when you were originally touring? AC: Either way, it’s a blessing that people come check out my shows. There’s kids that weren’t even born yet that come to my shows now, like little kids. But the energy and the appreciation is amazing. A lot of people don’t even know what to expect. Once I get up there and I start wailing it and singing my heart out, they’re blown away by it. There have been tons of reporters that have come out and been like, “I came out here to make fun of you, but I can’t do that.” I’ve been told that my show is more fun and more entertaining than others and that I connected to other people more. I’ve been doing this for 18 years. I get up there and you can see the experience. Because you know what? I’m not a 12-year-old kid anymore. I’m a 26-year-old man. It’s time for people to see that. TBS: You’re even having private brunches with fans on the mornings of certain shows. What made
you want to do this, beside the fact that brunch is the best meal ever? AC: Like I said, I want to connect with my fans and have them see the person I am now. TBS: Speaking of brunch, do you consider yourself a pancakes or waffle type of guy? AC: Oh, good question! Pancakes—when they’re kind of like, on the crispy side with chocolate chips in them. TBS: I can imagine that you’ve encountered some crazy fans when you were younger when things were taking off for you. Is it like that now too? Anything super weird being thrown up on stage or has it calmed down a bit? AC: Oh no, it’s not calm. It’s pretty crazy. People think that they can jump up on stage and start dancing. Girls throw their bras and their panties on stage now. It’s crazy. I’m just taking it one day at a time and enjoying the ride. TBS: What’s next on the agenda after the tour finishes? Can we expect another album soon? AC: I’m going to spend a couple years touring. I have a lot of places to go, then I’m going to release some new music. I don’t want people buying into my album thinking they’re going to hear a 12-year-old kid again. I’m sorry, but that’s not the case. Come check me out, see my show, and that’s so you can get an idea of who I am as an artist now.
TBS: When you do finally get back to releasing new music, what will the songs be like? AC: I’m going for big awards this time. I’m going for Grammys. I’m going for Video Music Awards. But I’m considering going in the direction of Bruno Mars and people like that. I actually have a new song out right now. It’s not on iTunes yet, but it’s called “Where Do We Begin?” It’s good pop music, and I’m going to stick to that. TBS: Well thanks, Aaron, that’s about all I have. One final question though: How much can you bench? AC: How much can I bench? The last time I checked, it was like 175-180 pounds. I’m a very small guy. Want to swoon some more? Make sure you check out the show on October 5 at Canopy Club. Tickets are $12 online, $15 at the door.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 Saturday Night's Show AARON CARTER - Early Show!
SATURDAY: $3 Jim Beam $3 Captain Morgan $3 Three Olives $3.50 Three Olives Bombs DJ John Han
THURSDAY Prince Night! 9:30pm, $5
SPECIAL NIGHT
ALL SEPTEMBER: $6 32oz UV Flavored Vodka Pitchers
Wednesday 10/2
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Tickets on sale now for Matt Wertz 10/3, Griz 10/27, Lotus 11/3, and more!
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 10/3
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
MATT WERTZ with ELENOWEN
DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!
Prince Night! 9:30pm, $5 $2 Domestics, $2 Wells
Friday 10/4
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Korean Cultural Center presents LUMINARIE : Festival of Lights PARTY!
Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys
Curb Service, 10pm, $5 w/ DJ Belly, Truth, and Brady Glenn
Saturday 10/5
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
AARON CARTER - Early Show! CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE - Late Show! with MANIC FOCUS, DJ SOLO, THE FLOOZIES & More!
$3 Jim Beam, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Three Olives $3.50 Three Olives Bombs DJ John Han Club Glo - Free Glowsticks!
James Jones Trio, 10pm, $5 w/ Decadents
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE Late Show! with MANIC FOCUS, DJ SOLO, THE FLOOZIES & More!
Sunday 10/6
Closed
COLLIN BULLOCK The Forced & Impersonal Tour
Monday 10/7
Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!
$2 U CALL IT
Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks
Tuesday 10/8
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 10/9
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
ALEX WILEY with FRANK LEONE and CALEZ
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: OKTOBERFEST at FIREHAUS! Sponsored by Spaten & Jager! 11am Illini vs Nebraska Get the Huge Spaten Mug! Check out our Tented Biergarten! Hawks vs Lightning 7pm
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Wednesday 10/2
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Thursday 10/3
Watch the Playoffs - Cards at 4pm NFL: Browns vs Bills 7pm HALF PRICE WHISKEY $3 Jager Bombs $3 Long Islands
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Stand-Up Comic Doug Stanhope, 6:30pm Risque Thursdays at 10pm! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 10/4
Friday After Class! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jim Beam, $3 Three Olives
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 10/5
OKTOBERFEST at FIREHAUS! Sponsored by Spaten & Jager! 11am Illini vs Nebraska Get the Huge Spaten Mug! Check out our Tented Biergarten! Hawks vs Lightning 7pm
Catch Every Game at Guido's!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 10/6
Bears vs Saints Noon Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! SNF: Texans vs 49ers 7pm Chargers vs Raiders 9:30pm
NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday 10/7
WIN BEARS TICKETS
Jets vs Falcons 7pm POP CULTURE TEAM TRIVIA at 10pm! Win Weekly Prizes & Compete for $500 at Finals!
$2 Long Islands, HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm, $3 Any Craft/Import Beer
Tuesday 10/8
TIME WARP TUESDAY! DJ EX Playing the best of the 90's $2 Wells, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 Bud Light Pitchers
Wednesday 10/9
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM BLACKHAWKS vs BLUES 7pm
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
MONDAY: DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
TUESDAY:
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room
CAPSTONE QUARTERS
1901 LINCOLN AVENUE | 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM
CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S Oktoberfest Mugs kick off this Wednesday!
WED: Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Mug Night: Sam Adam's Oktoberfest $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 10/2
Mustache Night!
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
New Beer Garden is Open! SHACKER NIGHT! with DJ John Kubiak $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey $5 24oz UV Shackers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles
Bartender Battle! 8pm - 2am Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
Thursday 10/3
BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs DJ Anthony Pontarelli
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
Friday 10/4
ILLINI FOOTBALL! Game Watch ILL at Neb11am Open 11am - Party with the BUD GIRLS 11am $2 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, UV GIRLS 2-4P, Bloody Mary Bar, $5 Jager Mary’s & Harvest Mary’s, $3 Jager Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, DJ Dash 10pm
Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs
$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints $2.50 Bacardi Mixers $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles
REVERSE TAILGATE PARTY! Open at 11am ILLINI vs NEBRASKA at 11am Kruue Wingin Out Eating Contest at 3pm, DJ Ronnie Muck
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
Saturday 10/5
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
$1 U Call It
Sunday 10/6
Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Monday 10/7
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Tuesday 10/8
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: Leinenkugel's Octoberfest $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 10/9
Tuesday! ASHLEY BUCHART CONCERT Live on Stage 10pm Frattle of the Bands! 3-4 Bands Compete for $1,000 - WPGU Live Free Jets Pizza, $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Vodka Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Stag Drinks
Klub Kam’s with DJ Pauly G $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music! Absolut Friday featuring Delicato at 10pm!
$4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots & Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Malibu Girls 11p-1a
ASHLEY BUCHART CONCERT Live on Stage 10pm
Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs -- House DJ Downstairs
Frattle of the Bands! 3-4 Bands Compete for $1,000 - WPGU Live Free Jets Pizza, $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Vodka Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Stag Drinks
Mustache Night!
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
WE HAVE THE N I Y R R HU Y A FEW
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MO IM VE M -IN ED S A IAT VA E ILA BL E!
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever gave you? nior Brittany, Se
“Marry rich.”
nior Kiersten, Se
“You can be anything you wanna be … whatever you wanna be, go be it.”
Carl, Junior
“Don’t ever get a Razor scooter cause you’ll get hurt.“
15
Bartenders of the Week
Marissa of Legends
Bartender Nickname: Red Relationship Status: Yes Major: Community Health Favorite Drink: Whiskey with a shot of whiskey Favorite Shot: French toast Disgusting Drink: Four Loko What’s a fall fashion don’t?: Lavender leather flare pants. If you were named mayor of Champaign, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Adopt an albino elephant as my pet and ride it around town while taking several pit stops for ice cream. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Enders If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: What do I care? I’m outtie. Zero fucks left to give. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Filling someone’s pillows full of mulch. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: The word “blonde.” What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “Welcs” What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Saturday morning cartoons. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s SO fetch.
Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with booze. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.
- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.
The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.
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Anthony of Kam's
Relationship Status: Single Major: Freakanomics Favorite Drink: Balalalaluuuue Guy Favorite Shot: Whawhawhawhisky Disgusting Drink: Shot from the floor of Kam’s What’s a fall fashion don’t?: A boner in khakis. If you were named mayor of Champaign, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Kill all the pigs. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: The Black Sheep wench Grace at the Cracked truck. If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A Civil Rights Act. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Fire extinguisher gone wrong. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: The words “Drug Dealer.” What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “One Million Helgas” What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Nothing. 90s are dead. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because Grace works there.
Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying! Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.
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Booze Review Wave Pink Lemonade Vodka Grade: F written by: Kitty Kat
Yikes, this was a mistake. Why would we think this would be any different from all the other overlysugared flavored vodkas on the market? Good thing it was a small bottle and not too expensive. Maybe we knew what we were getting into. Maybe we wanted to get something really awful because every other alcohol we review gets an A or B rating. Maybe we’re too nice … but not this time. Don’t be fooled by the hip, dubstep-esque bottle. This is nothing special. Tastes Like: A teenage girl’s cotton candy tears and tampons. Typical Drinkers: One Direction fans, pre-teens who try to look cool at high school parties, Disney stars when they first spiral out of control, Amanda Bynes’ publicist and Limited Too models. User Comments: “We should break up.” “Are you trying to make me hate you?” “This tastes like Flux Pavilion.” “I seriously can’t believe she sub-tweeted me like that.” An Apt Anagram for “Pink Lemonade”: Naked mole nip (don’t you love a little racy sideboob?)
Best Described as a Pop Song Lyric: “That’s all they really want / Some fun / When the working day is done / Oh girls, they want to have fun” – Cyndi Lauper What Your Little Sister Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Oh my God, can I please come party with you?” You’ll Like This if You Like: Chewing Juicy Fruit while consuming a five-tier triple chocolate cake with your girlfriends at a slumber party. Buy it For the Party When: You want all the sixyear-olds to nap. How Much Could You Sell This For On A Roadside Stand?: One’a them buffalo nickels, tops. Food Pairing Suggestion: Fresh fruit juices and a platter of McDonald’s Apple Pies and hot fudge sundaes. Basically anything that is sweet and delicious on its own but awful when you combine them all together. Best Mixer: Lemonade
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APPLY TODAY FOR FALL 2014 LOFTS54.COM
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Fantasy Freshman league update By: Scotty G The Fantasy Freshmen league is just like Fantasy Football, except it features higher highs, lower lows and far more injuries. It’s the league where we draft a group of freshmen and track the successes and failures of their college experience. The goal is to trounce your opponent with unparalleled production in all aspects of life: Academic, Social, Romantic, Legal, Metaphysical, Biophysical and Pseudophysical. The new freshmen have had a few weeks to acclimate to their new lives in college, and it's time that we check in on them to get an update on their latest point totals. Positive accomplishments earn you points, and shortcomings lose them. Let's look into early matchups between some highly ranked players. In this pay-per-view showdown, we had feshmen who both gained and lost points left and right. After a hot start, team “Simon and Barf-unkle” is atop the league with an undefeated record. They soared to an easy victory last week after an amazing point explosion from their flex player, Gorman Gorgich (or “Stormin’ Gorman” to his friends, “Foreign Gorman” to strangers and “Mormon Gorman” to all four of his girlfriends). He set his team apart by earning 28 points for a legendary round of Backstreet Boys karaoke at White Horse that resulted in multiple female fans throwing underwear in his direction. He also avoided the common negative 9-point pitfall a player receives from dropping and damaging the microphone. But Barfunkle’s opponents this week has some experts picking the upset. Team “Chronicles of Riddickulous” is set up perfectly for a dark horse victory. In the opening match, they went without the reliable performance of their pre-med captain, Dwayne “The Doc” Johnson, due to a slack-line induced injury on the Quad. With The Doc back, he’s expected to win 18 points for convincing girls that he reserved a table at Red Lion for bottle service. Skeptics say he may fall prey to the negative 12-point penalty for walking across the bike lane without checking both ways, though. He might be back on the DL before we know it. The top story this week was the head-to-head matchup of Barf-unkle’s Kramer Fitzpatrick and Riddickulous’ Jerry Mander. Here’s the point by point breakdown:
INTRODUCING OUR NEW SPECIALTY BEER CORNER! $8 Beer Flights Every Friday and Saturday
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Continued from the cover Regardless of the disagreements over the effectiveness of the Champaign police force or their supposed camaraderie with Urbana cops, they believe they will be present for the Beer and Food Truck Festival solely to make sure shenanigans are kept to a minimum. “Our main goal is safety, obviously,” Lieutenant Spudnutt said, rolling his eyes and using his thumbs to bolster his invisible suspenders. “But we will be on the lookout for other things, not just drunken brawls or people throwing beer glasses.” Lieutenant Spudnutt continued by listing off over 50 items that the police team plans on ticketing people for, including guys not letting their girlfriends try a sip of their beer “because you could have just gotten your own” or people not tipping the young men working the Cracked Truck. “Those guys deserve every dollar you throw their way. I mean, have you tried those White Cheddar Bacon Tots? I’d arrest the entire U of I football team for a free batch of those things.” “Yeah, I saw their list of ‘rules’ and ‘laws’ he’s talking about,” Officer Truman said, drunkenly using finger quotes and snorting while laughing. “Don’t worry guys, it’s not gonna be that strict. The festival is in Urbana for a reason! We know how to have a good time! People give it a bad rap, but it’s just because they haven’t experienced it. We’re just as crazy as Champaign. We have dimly lit streets and a Jimmy John’s! It’s a party town!” To learn more about the festival and make our own decision if it really sounded like a party or not, we reached out to Jessica Rubin—marketing intern for the event this year and Urbana local. She informed us that this is the first year she’ll be able to enjoy the festival legally. “I just turned 21 at the end of April, so this past summer has been a blast. I spent a lot of nights at Joe’s and Firehaus with friends who stayed down in Champaign,” Rubin said. “I’ve gone to the Urbana Beer and Food Truck Festival a few times with my family, when it was still the chili festival, actually. My dad would always sneak me sample glasses of different beers and didn’t care if I drank it as long as I did it quick. I know for a fact that some cops saw me do it, and I know even more so that I didn’t look of age. I didn’t have boobs, I still had acne, and I’m pretty sure I was wearing a butterfly clip in my hair. But they didn’t care. It’s been a lot of fun to help plan this event, and I’m even more excited to attend the festival as a 21-year-old and actually pay for my own drinks for once.” The Black Sheep couldn’t tell if the last part of Rubin’s comment was sarcastic or not. While walking around downtown Urbana to scope out the scene, we also came across a young couple sitting outside at local bar and restaurant Crane Alley. Preston Dorsey and girlfriend Lynn O’Connor were more than just excited for the coming event. “We’ve been sitting out here for—how many days now, honey? Three?” O’Connor giggled. “Preston doesn’t like to be late for things and isn’t a huge fan of crowds, so we do this every year to make sure we’re here
right when the event starts and so we can get to the front of the keg lines.” Dorsey showed our reporters the small campsite he and his girlfriend had set up in a dingy Urbana alleyway near the restaurant. They had pillows, blankets, a few bags of Funyuns and a sixer of Blue Moon. “We’re really into craft beers and gourmet foods,” Dorsey admitted. “This is a very special event for us and for our relationship. We’ve learned a lot about each other here and even more during our yearly campout before the Fest. Like how Lynn can be a real spoiled bitch when she has to sleep on concrete and not her beloved Sleep Number bed.” After more chatting and a few cold ones with Officer Truman, our reporters knew what they’d be doing this weekend—heading out to Urbana, something that we can’t really say we normally do. But Truman seemed like a cool guy and Spudnutt is probably a blast after a few in him too. So if you’re not doing anything, we’ll see you there at the Beer and Food Truck Festival. It’s time to get drunk and stuff our faces with the law.
C ACROBATI
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P
tion
ew! i v e R k o A Bo By: Benny Boy
Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.
The
Pick p u e m
Difficulty Convincing: 3/10
What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (she might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.
The
Tow Truck The
Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.
Difficulty Convincing: 4/10 What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him. How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.
Part 1 of 3!
The
XXX B
wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10
The
Back
Break er
What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.
Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-haveyou, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.
Part 2 of 3!
two
fA CE D
LovEr
How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.
Part 3 of 3!
The
Clasp ing
Hand
Difficulty Convincing: 9/10 What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: a perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.
Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us ourselves for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”
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BY: BENNY BOY AND MONOCLE Q. MONEYPANTS
Hello out there, all you audiophiles. This is Monocle Q. Moneypants here with a report fresh from the 2013 Pygmalion Music Festival. As with all my travel articles, I took in this event just like any regular attendee, completely immersed in all the local customs. Boy, did I have some fun! I arrived at the festival on Thursday dressed in local young person’s garb. I had learned that these so-called “hipsters” enjoyed wearing scarves, which was perfect because a scarf went great with the tuxedo and top hat I was already wearing. I was completely famished, so lucky for me I saw that there was a pre-show food tasting at the opera house, The Krannert Center. Apparently guests would be dining on Head and Heart that night. I presumed it would be heads and hearts of cow; the chef at my summer cottage on Puget Sound does wonders with it.
But to my dismay I arrived too late, and by the time I was inside, the waiters must have cleared all the plates. Instead the orchestra had already begun playing, but I must say, it was some of the finest after-dinner music I had ever heard. The music sounded distraught and lost, bringing back euphoric memories of my childhood abroad at boarding school. Unfortunately, later that night at the next show, a few troubles arose. I was already tad bit nervous when I arrived at the local cabana, The Canopy Club. First, there was no sight of the private swimming pool anywhere! More importantly, the band names on the schedule sounded, how should I say, a little crass. Murder By Death? The Dirty Feathers? Warpaint? Was this a music festival or a holiday with Father at the colonies in Congo? But I was here to see bands like any regular
college student, gosh darn it, so I didn’t let my nerves get the best of me! So I went off to the backstage area to indulge in a snifter of port. You see, like all college students, Father is personal friends with entrepreneurs and real estate developers the world over, so I was able to easily procure backstage passes. But, alas, this bar was completely out of port! There weren’t even any fine brandies! Instead, I had to choke down the crudest, most common of all college beers: Three Hundred and Twelve. Needless to say, after one sip, I immediately vomited. But don’t feel bad for your old friend Monocle Q. After smoking a fine Cuban cigar in the private gentleman’s smoking area (I stood next to a man with hair so long, he must have been a savage of some sort!), I was lured back inside by the music of Warpaint. Once again, I was hearing music that brought forth feelings of nostalgia. The women in the band were absolute angels; my feelings for them felt like the ones Fa-
ther spoke of when he first met Mother. And yet their music sounded so sullen and bitter that I could see exactly why Father and Mother had divorced. I flew back to my home on Nantucket Island for the night and returned to find that the bands for the next day were even dirtier scoundrels! My monocle dropped into my glass of eighteen-year-old cognac when I saw the long flowing hair of Mr. Kurtis Vile. And vile he was! This wild man and his band of hot dogs sauntered onstage and played their electric guitars in a laid-back, relaxing style I can only describe as similar to that washed up piece of trash DeBussy! Although I thought the band looked silly, my friend Benny Boy thought they were the best show of the weekend. Two notable artists which followed were The Breeders and Dessa. The Breeders continued the theme of slow-moving, almost droning rock-and-roll music, although it
INTERVIEW: JAMIN MARSHALL OF LARRY AND HIS FLASK On Thursday night, Monocle Q. and I sat down with Jamin Marshall to play a game of Irish Poker. After teaching Marshall the rules, as well as finding Moneypants a bottle of 1990 Dom Perignon, which was the only thing he was drinking that night, we proceeded to drink until our livers swelled. Halfway through our second game, we learned that Marshall was the drummer of Larry and His Flask, and proceeded to have an interview. The Black Sheep: So where does a band like Larry and His Flask come from? Jamin Marshall: We’re from Bend, Oregon. TBS: Wait, did you say you were from Band, Oregon? That’s oddly appropriate! JM: No I said Bend, Oregon. TBS: Oh, ok. Well, Jamin from Bend, Oregon, how would you describe the music scene in Bend?
JM: We’re on the road constantly, so we really have no idea. At least, no idea what it sounds like anymore. When we were there it was wild. I would best describe it as chaotic. TBS: And how would you describe your own music? Explain it like you would to someone who is deaf. JM: Good question! I guess I would have to describe it visually, so I might say like a barn that’s on fire. So, everybody is drunk on whiskey and trying to escape. TBS: Far out. How does one go about writing music like this? JM: Well, we usually jam in sort of a chaotic way, and then go back and try to make sense of the chaos. We’ll try to map some of it out into something we can recreate live. We’ll just hang on to the good chaos.
TBS: Has there ever been a song idea that you guys have wanted to do but didn’t? JM: There have been political songs which we have written but never really brought to life. We just didn’t really want to go there. TBS: Okay, cool. And finally our last question, is there a Larry in Larry and His Flask? JM: No Larry! We would like to stress how cool of a dude Jamin Marshall was. Even Monocle Q. Moneypants thought he was a nice guy, considering his long hair and tattoos, which Moneypants referred to as “Amazonian.” He even gave us a few of their CDs, which we listened to later that night. We were of course black-out drunk at that point (Monocle kept bringing out the Hennessy Cognac shots), so we’ll have to give them another spin before we do a review. Check them out!
may just have sounded that way to me because I was listening to them through the VIP room walls, where I was nibbling on caviar and prime rib. Luckily the outdoor annex of the High Dive had a VIP section, on which I could look out over all of the festival activities, which I daresay reminded myself of the time I watched laborers run with the bulls in Spain. Although it was a troubling sight, I would be a liar to say that the funky rhythms of Dessa failed to put a little bit of jig in my loafers! All in all, it was a grand time I had at the Pygmalion Music Festival! Although the veggie tray in the VIP room was of poor quality, and the hummus remained a steady orange throughout the weekend, there is no complaining to be had! I plan to come again next year, but I will not be forgetting to bring my friend the great Count Fortunebags! Until next time, Champaign!
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Our Look Toward the Future: Tits Used as Currency By: Brian Barsotti In the year 9001 AD human society will be only a shell of what it once was. The future will have turned out to be more dystopian than the combined wet dreams of George Orwell and Aldous Huxley. No one will agree for certain what the downfall of civilization was, but The Black Sheep scholars will generally concur it was due in no small part to the global adoption of tits as a form of currency. When looking back at ancient records, people will learn that the “tit standard” first came to fruition in 2013, at Drew’s Pizza in Champaign, Illinois. Before this tits-for-za deal, flashing your breasts could only get you beads or a “Get Out of a Speeding Ticket Free” card, but Drew’s Pizza set a precedent that the world’s governments would eventually follow. It’s like that old saying: “As goes a cheap pizza joint in Champaign, so goes the world.” To many, tits will seem like an ideal currency, at least in theory. Prior to the tit standard, American money will just have been pieces of green paper with pictures of slave owners on them. People will gradually realize this tradition was crass, so as time goes on, boobs will replace cash as the primary medium of trade. For a short while, governments may also recognize other types of sexual favors as acceptable currency, but it will become clear that no one wants cock-flashing as a method of payment. So tits it will be. And we’re not complaining. It should be noted that different breasts will have different values in the marketplace. Estimates may vary, but experts believe A cups will be valued at $1 US each, B cups will be worth roughly $5, C’s $10, and D’s $20. And just as most stores don’t accept $100 bills or higher, any tits larger than a D will be considered “too much” to be economical for small businesses. Following the advent of the international tit standard system, a shortage of boobs will inevitably arise. The supply of knockers will prove to be too few for market demands. Economists will recommend a large expansion of tits, even if it leads to their inflation, and the implications of this sentence are actually way less sexy than they sound. The United States Federal Reserve will agree, so they will swiftly begin to increase the money supply by increasing the number of titties in circulation. In an effort to introduce more capital to the global financial system, the Fed will create vast quantities of new hooters, made of raw materials from Silicon Valley. Despite these measures, the tit standard will continue to be riddled with flaws. First, China will collapse
due to a generations-long 1-child-only policy slanted heavily towards producing a male spawn. Next, married men the world-over who prefer “just a handful” will fall into poverty as they grow to loathe their marital partner. As well-endowed lesbian couples become the world’s elite, Subaru will quickly buy out the world’s automakers, forming an automotive monopoly, increasing car prices tenfold and leaving gay men without an adequate form of transportation. Finally, those with skin in the porn game will actively attempt to turn the lord’s houses to dens of sin, and bacchanalia will run rampant the world over. This unfortunate fact of life has resulted in a deep divide in society—a “cleavage,” if you will, because never before in the course of human history will there have been such a great separation between the haves and the have-nots. Because in the future there will be only two very distinct social classes: those with tits and those without tits. Those who are willing and able to flash tits will be enjoying a life of luxury, whereas those with no tits will be hopelessly destitute. In “boob capitalism,” you have but two options in life: tits or GTFO.
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