The Black Sheep
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F st REE. ud .. L en ik ts e w are ha wot th rk e g in ra g fo d r.
The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 8 10/10/12 - 10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
What do we have to do to get Michigan to hate us? Benny boy wrote this
When the sun rises in Ann Arbor this Saturday, students of the University of Michigan will wake up from their decrepit hovel of a university and prepare for one of the most heated rivalries in organized sport. The Bears and the Packers have been going at it for a while, The Beatles and The Stones gave each other quite a run for their money, and the Israelites and Palestinians have been, well, we’re not quite sure, we don’t really watch soccer. But above all other contentions, nothing comes close to the pure hatred shared between the Fighting Illini and the Wolverines. “God, when I think about those U of M guys I just, grrrrr, ah, I just hate them so much! They are so stupid!” an enraged Illinois fan said, and as Illinois fans will continue to say for generations to come. It is difficult to fathom, however, what kind of vile slander is coming from the mouths of Ann Arbor students as they prepare for the game this Saturday. “Iuck Fllinois?” No, that wouldn’t work. “Champaign is a whore?” By God, we better hope nobody has thought of that yet. We wanted to get the inside scoop on what Michigan has been cooking up for the big game on Saturday, so we sent a reporter over to Ann Arbor to take in the sights and sounds - if they come up with a clever t-shirt slogan, we can be prepared with a slightly less offensive one. Monday October 8, 2012, 2:00 pm: I have entered the Thunderdome. I have covered gangland violence in Detroit, and I have driven fearlessly into the eyes of hurricanes, but never have I felt so threatened for my life in the name of journalism. I have crossed into Mordor. I am in Hell; this is Hell. Despite my fear, I proudly wear my “Muck Fichigan” shirt for all to see. I was expected to be berated the second I stepped out of my car, but these dumbasses must be unable to read, because nobody has said a thing. I decide that the time for fear has passed, and the time for journalism has arrived. I spot a harmless-looking girl sitting on a park bench reading a book. I choose to interview her, because in the case of a bare-fisted flash brawl, I could probably take her out, at least, I definitely have the reach on her.
From the Desk of Shoenice's Doctor Do you feel worse for his doctor or the toilet?
page 6
The Black Sheep: Excuse me, bitch, I hope you’re ready to go down on Saturday! Michigan Bitch: Excuse me, sir? You must have me confused with somebody else. TBS: Nope, I’m talking to exactly who I want to talk to. How is it going to feel when your biggest rival destroys you this weekend? MB: Ohio State? No, we don’t play them until November 24th.
what’s inside
TBS: What? No. You know, U of I. MB: Indiana? Eh, they always kind of suck. TBS: No, no. Illinois. The University of Illinois. MB: What, like in Chicago? I didn’t know they had a football team. TBS: In Champaign! The Illini! Look at the shirt! We hate you guys so much we have shirts! continued on page 10
Top 10: Worst Things to Wake Up To
I've Got Friends in Random Places
page 9
page 18
"yolo" stamped on your back isn't so cute in the daylight.
The best campus spots to meet your new BFFL.