Illinois Issue 8 - 10/10/12 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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F st REE. ud .. L en ik ts e w are ha wot th rk e g in ra g fo d r.

The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 8 10/10/12 - 10/17/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

What do we have to do to get Michigan to hate us? Benny boy wrote this

When the sun rises in Ann Arbor this Saturday, students of the University of Michigan will wake up from their decrepit hovel of a university and prepare for one of the most heated rivalries in organized sport. The Bears and the Packers have been going at it for a while, The Beatles and The Stones gave each other quite a run for their money, and the Israelites and Palestinians have been, well, we’re not quite sure, we don’t really watch soccer. But above all other contentions, nothing comes close to the pure hatred shared between the Fighting Illini and the Wolverines. “God, when I think about those U of M guys I just, grrrrr, ah, I just hate them so much! They are so stupid!” an enraged Illinois fan said, and as Illinois fans will continue to say for generations to come. It is difficult to fathom, however, what kind of vile slander is coming from the mouths of Ann Arbor students as they prepare for the game this Saturday. “Iuck Fllinois?” No, that wouldn’t work. “Champaign is a whore?” By God, we better hope nobody has thought of that yet. We wanted to get the inside scoop on what Michigan has been cooking up for the big game on Saturday, so we sent a reporter over to Ann Arbor to take in the sights and sounds - if they come up with a clever t-shirt slogan, we can be prepared with a slightly less offensive one. Monday October 8, 2012, 2:00 pm: I have entered the Thunderdome. I have covered gangland violence in Detroit, and I have driven fearlessly into the eyes of hurricanes, but never have I felt so threatened for my life in the name of journalism. I have crossed into Mordor. I am in Hell; this is Hell. Despite my fear, I proudly wear my “Muck Fichigan” shirt for all to see. I was expected to be berated the second I stepped out of my car, but these dumbasses must be unable to read, because nobody has said a thing. I decide that the time for fear has passed, and the time for journalism has arrived. I spot a harmless-looking girl sitting on a park bench reading a book. I choose to interview her, because in the case of a bare-fisted flash brawl, I could probably take her out, at least, I definitely have the reach on her.

From the Desk of Shoenice's Doctor Do you feel worse for his doctor or the toilet?

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The Black Sheep: Excuse me, bitch, I hope you’re ready to go down on Saturday! Michigan Bitch: Excuse me, sir? You must have me confused with somebody else. TBS: Nope, I’m talking to exactly who I want to talk to. How is it going to feel when your biggest rival destroys you this weekend? MB: Ohio State? No, we don’t play them until November 24th.

what’s inside

TBS: What? No. You know, U of I. MB: Indiana? Eh, they always kind of suck. TBS: No, no. Illinois. The University of Illinois. MB: What, like in Chicago? I didn’t know they had a football team. TBS: In Champaign! The Illini! Look at the shirt! We hate you guys so much we have shirts! continued on page 10

Top 10: Worst Things to Wake Up To

I've Got Friends in Random Places

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"yolo" stamped on your back isn't so cute in the daylight.

The best campus spots to meet your new BFFL.

signal what your status is and enjoy some delicious drinks!

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: Politically Incorrect Costumes for Your Halloween Festivities Make sure to cause a lot of fights with your offensive outfit this year.

page 7: Abysmal Scarlet Markings of an Underage Drinker So an underage Emma Stone walks into a bar...

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page 8: Jimmy John's: An Observational Study The sandwiches aren't drugged, but they sure taste like it.

page 9: October is for Lovers

Table of

The enthralling, exciting meetings of the October Lovers club.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week The finest bros of Firehaus and Canopy Club.

page 18: from the streets

What should Beyonce name her next child?

page 21: we interview: Big Freedia The queen diva of bounce music wants you to shake your ass.

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Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Graca Haka

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber

owner Atish Doshi

Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, I have an extremely important physics exam tomorrow that I haven't even begun studying for, however, tonight is also my 21st birthday. What should I do? Sincerely, Happybirthday? Dear sir, As I type this we are already running out of time. Right now it is 0600 with moderate-to-low visibility. You should have sunlight for about 45 more minutes, which gives you just enough time to do some prep work. I need you to phone a girl who you used to date and broke up with on bad terms. Tell her, “I don’t have time to talk, but if you meet me on the Quad I can show you,” and then hang up. You then need to BOLT over to Campus Florist on Green Street and buy one single daffodil. After you get the daffodil I need you to run over to Green Street apartments, apt. 104A. Knock exactly three times and then say, “I’m here to deliver your shrimp lo mein.” A man will then open the door and pull you inside. This man is my cousin Otis. He will give you a military-style crew cut and a pair of military fatigues. After he throws you out of the apartment run down to the quad and give your ex the daffodil. Tell her that you are being shipped out the next day and that all you want is for her to celebrate your birthday. Get this woman as hammered as possible. Send out a mass text to all of your friends to meet at Joe’s in ten, and then carry your girl over there. When your friends buy you drinks, drink them. Don’t be rude. After thirty-six minutes, however, you need to tell your friends that you are going to dance with your girl. Bring her to the dance floor where Otis will be waiting to intercept her. Then run over to Loomis. At 10:15 exactly you need to throw a rock through the second window from the left on the second floor of the southeast side of the building. Shimmy up the wall. In the second drawer of the file cabinet you will find a key. Take that key over to room 218 at the end of the hall and use it to open the door. On the bottom drawer of the right side of the desk you will find a folder labeled, “2A.” This is the answer sheet. You can’t take it, though. You have to copy the answers. Otis will handle any necessary cleanup. Also, I wouldn’t count on seeing your ex anytime soon. Hope this helps, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

A Hah Has Sir

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Mom Con last week’s answers

Colbie Smulders & Ryan Lochte

Sadly, Morgan’s invisible throw-up super power didn’t garner a call-back from the X-Men, though she was happy with the free pitcher of beer.

(Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Endevour:

To undertake any obscene act of consumption. “Marissa endevoured a two-pound jar of Nutella last night; it was a truly impressive feat.”

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Politically Incorrect Costumes for your Halloween Festivities aaron toch wrote this Halloween is coming quickly around the corner, and if you haven’t started thinking about what you're going to wear: never fear. You have many resources at your fingertips in assembling a good costume: friends, /r/WTF, and the kind writers over at The Black Sheep. Avoid the temptation to dress up as something in your comfort zone; Steve Jobs is soooo 2011, and the only time you should do anything Pokémon related is if you have the D-cups to back it up. Chief Illiniwek: It doesn’t make much sense why students are still adamant about the Chief’s return, even though many were in middle school without any intentions of coming to this school when he was banned. There is risk in openly contemplating his place at this university: Some people will make fun of you if you call it offensive, citing some rogue argument snagged from the bowels of Wikipedia. Others will lightly defend his removal but “see your point” when told of the counter-arguments, which are more weakly supported than a RHET 105 essay written the night before it’s due. Just don’t show your costume to Chancellor Phyllis Wise. According to the fifty emails she’s sent out since the start of school, it’s clear that she’s trying to start something new. How's that going? Offensive level: 6 tomahawks out of 10. Whitney Houston: Girls don’t need another excuse to shed clothing on Halloween; that’s what makes it such a wonderful holiday. The air might be nippy, but don’t worry, the

chicks will find a way to deliver. Houston died in a bathtub, meaning that assembling a costume (or, rather, lack thereof) will be easy. Just get some easy bubbles and cocaine, and you’re set for a party to remember. If you happen to have a microphone in the closet, it can be used as a convincing prop if the other materials are tricky to get ahold of. Offensive level: 3 tomahawks out of 10. James Holmes: All you need is that orange t-shirt you got freshman year at convocation and some orange hair spray. He got accepted into the neuroscience program here, you know. Only by the grace of God (and, some would argue, Chief Illiniwek) did he defer admission and leave our campus out of his pestilence. Carry around a notebook filled with bloody drawings and detailed murderous plans for an extra kick. Offensive level: 9 tomahawks out of 10. Barack Obama or Mitt Romney: Even though newspapers are predicting a record low voting output from today’s young adults, you can still do your part to elicit interest by dressing up as either candidate for President of the United States. What makes these costumes politically incorrect is that you are bound to offend somebody, as they will call your sense of politics “incorrect.” Bonus points for spotting a Republican college student, the leprechaun of the American voting body. Offensive level: 2 tomahawks out of 10.

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Giant Banana: Just don’t. Please. We’re begging you. If only because this costume will get more attention than all the four other options combined. It’s the laziest rebound costume of them all. Well that and a schoolgirl. Offensive level: Infinite tomahawks out of 10. Halloween is a special time at Illinois. There are prizes to be won, and it actually stretches the entire week, as it falls on a difficult–to-binge-drink Wednesday. So if you see people walking around in their costumes, you know how to match their spirit. Whether it be verbally or by dress, clearly there is a variety of ways to get involved during the campus’ festivities.

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From the Desk of Shoenice’s Doctor austin gomez wrote this It’s taken me two years to notice, but one of my patients is batshit insane. And when I say “batshit insane,” I mean “promises to eat anything and post it to YouTube” insane, in the most clinical sense of course. Confidentiality forbids me from giving out his name, but for those of you who are avid fans, I am Shoenice’s doctor, and I implore you to stop encouraging him to eat/drink things that no mortal man on Earth should swallow, let alone place in his mouth. From entire bottles of liquor to horrendously undercooked foods to otherwise inedible objects, I’ve seen it all. Here’s what I have to deal with at the expense of your drunken laughter: April 27, 2012 – An entire bottle of Patrón: Shoenice came in stumbling, slamming his head about the emergency room walls, and spitting on terminal patients after chugging an 80 proof (40% alcohol) bottle of tequila. The nurses and I went about with standard procedure (this was a mild case), but it took us 20 minutes to drag Shoenice from another patient’s IV bag, with him trying to drink the solution screaming, “Let’s Shoenice this bitch!” July 18, 2011 – Two habanero peppers (and a tube of IcyHot): The patient’s throat is bleeding in three separate parts, and his face is smeared with some sort of gel substance (please don’t tell me he’s moved onto ingesting bodily fluids). We found traces of the peppers in between his teeth and stuck on the roof of his mouth. He assures us that he plans to finish those later. December 13, 2011 – Coke with Mentos: Shoenice popped in today looking healthier than ever, which brought a smile to all of the nurses’ faces. I asked him what brings him in today, in cheer. He told us that he had chugged two cans of Diet Coke. I chortled to myself like an old man, assuring him that there was nothing to worry about. He continued to say that he also had five Mentos soon after. We quickly converted the ER into a bomb shelter and left the premises. April 11, 2011 – Two Trojan condoms: Regrettably, this isn’t the first time I’ve surgically removed latex contraceptives from a stomach before… August 5, 2011 – Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh cards: I supposed that eating playing cards wouldn’t necessarily be the worst that we’ve seen. In fact, this is actually good news for Shoenice, seeing as that this will be the first time he won’t have to spend more than thirty minutes on the toilet, squeal-

ing with discomfort. When he brought up something about a “holographic Charizard,” several of our teenage patients groaned in agony. May 18, 2012 – McDouble (in 7.5 seconds): Everyone in the ER was admittedly impressed with this feat. It’s riding on the borderline of the “non-food” category, but if millions of Americans eat at Mickey D’s daily, why can’t Shoenice? This is off the record, but a few of the nurses and myself got a $50 pool going that he couldn’t do the same with a 20-piece McNugget meal. April 13, 2011 – A stick of Old Spice deodorant: Shoenice came in with this stunt still in progress, licking the white antiperspirant like a Klondike bar. The good news was that checking his rectal temperature was surprisingly fresh and pleasant. The bad news was that Terry Crews was being treated right next to him, shaking his head in disappointment. February 22, 2012 – An entire box of Crayola crayons: If this hadn’t broken a world record, then it was definitely the first time anyone over the age of ten has approached us with this issue. Shoenice, leaving a runny, rainbow trail in his footsteps, came for his routine, weekly checkup to let us know about acute abdominal pains and a sore thumb. I asked him about the box of 64 colors he still had in his hand, and he assured me that it was ok because they weren’t Rose Art brand. June 15, 2012 – A bowl of grass: No, not weed, not pot – literally a bowl of grass. Like, pulled from his front yard. I can't do this anymore, sorry. I'm done.

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Abysmal Scarlet Markings of an Underage Drinker becky jacobs wrote this The ink burns on the underage bar-goer’s hand. It seeps into the skin, forever branding that poor soul with the shame of not being able to purchase his or her own drinks. To the stocks with you, underage drinker! You are a shame to society. For your sin, wear the mark of a scarlet “U,” for "underaged-u-g-l-y-you-ain’t-got-no-alibi-you-ugly-yeahyeah-you-ugly." The ink is an eyesore to the rest of the room full of people with gleaming wristbands and without guilty consciences. The marked victim desperately tries to remove the stamp with saliva and sink water, but the stain is permanent, embarrassing, degrading. How did you come to get the scarlet marking upon your hand? No, adultery is not the case here. However, there is some deflowering going on. You took that virgin Shirley Temple and tainted her with alcoholic sin. How dare you do that to filmdom’s beloved curly-haired gal. Now for the repercussions that must result from your horrible act. First stop is the gallows. You will not be mocked by society atop a platform. Rather, you will be wedged between two tank top wearing frat guys, rubbing back and forth. That’s not beer dripping on your skin, that’s their sweat. Drink up, you dirty scum! This is what you wanted, isn’t it? To enter this establishment and participate in illegal, disturbing acts? Now you pay the price. After shame comes repentance. Priests are scarce around campus. It’s sort of like trying to find a child's favorite traveler in Where’s Waldo? books. Instead, go face to face with your baby: the Shirley Temple. A kiddie cocktail. Cherry juice and Sprite. It couldn’t be more obvious that what you’re carrying around has not even one drop of alcohol in it. A different colored straw, different cup size. It’s pathetic looking, really. Send her off with other small alcoholic drinks on a shot ski. Watch her travel the world with a White Russian. The important thing to remember while being a parent is that you’re stuck with no respectable way out. You should’ve thought about that before taking that first sip, because one sip is all it takes.

Since the bars are going to close soon, wear that scarlet marking proud. Walk up to the counter and slam your stamped hand down. You won’t take no for an answer. Ask for one of anything. Don’t worry that you are the first to do so. Some screwball has to have done that before. It’s the only way to truly redeem your deed. Tell the world you screwed up, you know it, and you’re going to keep screwing up and keep coming back until the mark no longer rests on your hand. And then you’ll learn your lesson in the morning when the hangover hits. This coming of age experience isn’t about infidelity or trying to avoid one night without purchasing Plan B. It’s about having no shame in what beverages you consume that night. When you’re desperate, call the Emma Stone hotline at 1-800-YOU-F*#%ED-UP. Society will always love to ridicule the people who mess up their lives. It just sucks when there’s a scarlet marking on your hand to show you’re the dumbass who messed up.

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Jimmy John’s: An Observational Study morgan foster wrote this The Black Sheep has certainly had our experiences with the sauce. I mean, we were first called The Booze News, after all. Often after alcohol-induced adventures we stumble over to Jimmy John’s to gorge ourselves in drunken delight. Why choose this fine establishment, though? There are plenty of late night food options on campus, and many of them are on or near Green Street. Since we are known to be interested in scientific endeavors, we decided to conduct an observational study in order to discover the late night sandwich motives of the tipsy, drunk, and just plain shit-faced. Hypothesis: Jimmy John’s on Green Street maintains a strict hold on the late night market, where it serves drunken fools, because it provides fresh (possibly drugged) sandwiches at a price that is lower than its customer's standards. Observations: Location: Jimmy John’s, 43 East Green St., Champaign, IL Date & Time: Friday, September 28th, 12:07 a.m. Though it was relatively early in the timeline of the normative party hours (11 p.m. – 2 a.m.), drunken students had already begun to flood into Jimmy John’s. A girl in a leopard-print dress turned to her scantily clad friend and said, “What are you getting, Sarahhhh? I want the Turkey Tom but NO SPROUTS! Those are like eating baby plants.” This spurred a fit of laughter from leopard print girl while her friend continued to stare blankly at the menu while swaying back and forth. When the two arrived at the front of the line, they slurred their orders to the ever-pleasant and slightly confused Jimmy John’s employee. A minute later, they were seated at a booth ripping open their sandwich wrappers like they hadn’t eaten in a week. Unfortunately, no further data was gathered on the two women

because a drunken bystander threw up on one of our researchers. Time: 1:23 a.m. The establishment was full to the brim with gibbering sloppy drunks, ravenous after a night on the town. We turned our attention to a group of four twenty-something males in the booth adjacent to us. They were all silent except for the occasional moans escaping from their sandwich-filled mouths for around five minutes. After talking about “drowning in the puss” for a while, they finally commented on the sandwiches they were inhaling. “This Beach Club is the shit… It’s like sex in my mouth. Except with more mayo than usual.” His companions nodded in agreement and continued chewing and groaning. Location: Jimmy John’s, 43 East Green St., Champaign, IL Date & Time: Saturday, September 29th, 1:47a.m. Tonight we have sent one of our brave researchers to pose as an inebriated party-goer to converse with late night Jimmy John’s customers about the food. “Ohmygod I can’t wait to have this sammich in my mouth. Jimmy John’s sooo goooood. Why do you think it’s soooo goooood?” our researcher asked. Answers varied. They are recorded below: - “I think they’re wizards like Harry Potter. Do you remember Harry Potter? That shit was booombbb. He had a scar ‘n shit.” - “Ummm, I don’t know … there’s a lot of shit on it, and it tastes good in my mouth.” - “Who the fuck are you? Why are you questioning this place? It’s a fuckin’ temple man, respect it. Worship the sandwich.” - “It’s like crack. Cheap crack.”

Next, we observed employees while they made the sandwiches. It appears that the employees simply toss random vegetables and meats onto the sandwich with little concern for appearance. This is apparently how Jimmy John’s maintains its reputation for speed. Conclusion: Drunk people love Jimmy John’s so much because it is cheap, fast, and filling. Although it would have been much more interesting had we found that Jimmy John’s does indeed drug their sandwiches, but the bottom line is that the messiness of the sandwiches is directly correlated to the messiness of the inebriated individuals enjoying the sandwiches. Perhaps they see a little bit of themselves in the glop that is the leftover ends of their sandwiches.

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Worst Things to Wake Up To 10.) A Troll: Nothing is worse than waking up with the beer gogs off to a stinky, hairy, grotesque troll. Oh no, what did you do? You’re not even sure if the troll laying next to you is human or part bear, part alien. All you can be sure of is that it makes Honey Boo Boo’s mom look like Megan Fox. 9.) A New Tattoo: Whether it’s “YOLO” written across your forehead or your friend’s face on your ass, drunk tattoos are never as funny the next morning. Everyone else who was smart enough to stay away from the tattoo parlor last night gets to laugh as you ferociously scrub your skin off.

October is for Lovers kitty kat wrote this At the end of September, many students on campus received emails from an organization they had completely forgotten that they had signed up for way back on Quad Day. Many of the emails went directly to spam folders, but the majority of recipients checked their inbox to find exciting news in the subject line: “OCTOBER LOVERS FIRST EVENT!!!!” Naïve freshmen read and responded to the email in unnecessary delight, while upperclassmen didn’t even make it past the first sentence before tossing it in the trash bin. October Lovers is the club that every emotional freshman girl and acoustic-guitar-playing guy signs up for on Quad Day to try to find their place at such a large school, and hopefully the loves of their lives. The group mysteriously disappears for eleven months out of the year, every year, because none of the members know what to do with themselves without the fresh crunch of leaves and crisp autumn air. What could this group of students whose personalities are reminiscent of a teenage emo band possibly accomplish during their weekly meetings and bonfires? I took it upon myself to attend one of their meetings, and I could have not gone and still been able to predict everything they had talked about. The meeting was on a Sunday evening in the basement of the Communications Library in Gregory Hall. The room was hot and stuffy and the perfect size for such a small group. Everyone sat on the couches or cross-legged on the floor like they were waiting for story time in preschool. A few of the members were making friendship bracelets and braiding each others’ hair, and others were sitting solemnly, scribbling poetry in their hibernation notebooks. The president arrived with tea from Espresso Royale and a stuffed gray squirrel she later identified as the group’s mascot.

8.) An Unknown Place: Instead of waking up in your bed snuggled up to a hot bod you picked up the night before, you find yourself on Green Street with a toothless hobo going through your pockets (not exactly who you want to be in your pants). You aren’t sure if the vomit on your clothing is yours or his. 7.) Your Buddy’s Significant Other: Regardless if it’s girl or bro code, one rule remains the same: It’s never okay to sleep with your friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend. It doesn’t matter how drunk you both were or how bangin’ his or her body is; if you wake up to them the next morning after a night of hooking up you’re an ass. End of story. 6.) Sobriety: Sucks to suck, you just aren’t at champ status yet. You didn’t go hard enough the night before to wake up happily drunk; now you’re stuck in killer hangover territory, and you’ll be up close and personal with your toilet for the majority of your morning. Enjoy! 5.) A Clinger: She may have seemed like a good one-night stand, but once the sex was through you realized what you had on your hands. Run bro. She’s definitely a stage-five. If you let her, she’ll hang around all morning and blow up your phone as soon as she leaves. She’ll stick around like a bad case of herpes. 4.) The Need for Plan B: Someone was a fool and didn’t wrap their tool, so now you and you hook up have to jet to McKillme for Plan B to avoid any future baby mama drama. McKillme isn’t reliable, but for the love of God you hope this works. The last thing you want is to give up cash from your booze and bars fund to diapers and child support. 3.) Hot Piece of Ass Turned Hot Mess: Urine in your bed, vomit on the floor, various unknown stains all over the walls, a stench so vile not even a Kam’s employee would enjoy it. That hottie you brought home to slam quickly turned into disaster, desecrating in various rooms in your apartment and bailing quickly, so you’re left to clean up the mess.

The first topic of the meeting was barn dance. The president informed the group that they had not picked a specific day yet, however it will be “in October.” A few members looked relieved and pleased with this decision. God forbid this group’s activities extend into November. Also, considering there were only about twenty members in attendance, any barn around here is going to be way too big for such a small, lonely crowd. They’re better off having it in a hen house. “We almost ran out of marshmallows at the last bonfire. Think we could expand the budget to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” There was legitimate fear in this member’s eyes. He was the type of guy who usually wears skinny corduroy pants, loose beanie hats, and doesn’t shave on a regular basis. His acoustic guitar was slung across his back, and his thick-rimmed glasses kept sliding down his nose. The tension in the room was relieved once the treasurer apologized for the inconvenience and assured him it would never happen again. The group, still stroking their boners from the bonfire conversation, moved on to the topic of new sing-a-long songs to be added to their guitar players’ repertoires. “I don’t care what they play as long as I hear ‘Wonderwall’ at least five times.” Many of the members nodded in agreement, and the topic was dropped. After only killing about five minutes of their meeting time with those issues, the president was struggling to find something to waste the rest of the hour-long block she had promised the group. You could tell she didn’t want to let them down and send them home early. “Anyone have any stories about their first few days of October that they’d like to share?” “I saw a red leaf this morning. It was so pretty.” Goodbye boners. Everyone in the room moaned in pleasure. And when the president realized that was as far as they were going to get in the meeting, she allowed everyone to leave. “Why did I ever think ‘President of October Lovers’ would look good on a resume?” she thought aloud, not realizing I was still in the room.

2.) No Phone or Wallet: When you first wake up you are relieved you made it home, because the last thing you remember from the night before was tequila shots at the pregame. As you go to text your friends asking what shenanigans you got into, you realize your phone, IDs, wallet, cash and debit card are all missing. You rush to check your account to find someone spent your savings on an open tab last night. Shit. 1.) Embarrassing Social Media Updates: You go on your computer to realize your drunk ass is all over Facebook. Your new LinkedIn profile picture is a profile shot of all your new hickeys and vomit-stained clothes. Goodbye future employment. Get your paper bag ready, you’re going to keep it over your head for a while.

Kimberly Ann wrote this

page 10 MB: “Muck Fichigan?” Oh, okay yeah, I get it. That’s funny. I hope you guys do good! I won’t be able to go, but I hope you have a fun time! TBS: I, um, will you be my girlfriend? MB: No. The report ended there, being that nothing much else happened. Our reporter did say that he saw a guy wearing an Illinois shirt and it was possible that he was wearing it ironically, but he couldn’t be sure. While that Michigan girl was clearly a bitch, there is no denying that we did not receive the reaction we expected. Is it possible that Michigan doesn’t consider Illinois a threat? Because the way I see it, Michigan’s refusal to accept us as a rival can only be one of two things: 1. Michigan has been unable, so far, to think of a funny t-shirt slogan idea for our campus. 2. Michigan simply has bigger things to worry about. As much as I want to believe it to be the first one, I can simply see no way that they have not thought of “We are going to killinois Illinois.” The truth is, we aren’t worthy of Michigan’s hatred. This isn’t a cause for total desperation. You see, right now we’re just in a hole. Now, it’s a deep hole, there’s no doubt about that, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t get ourselves out. The way to go about doing this is to employ the Scarface method. First you dominate bad teams, then you dominate mediocre teams, then you are a rival of Michigan. If this fails then we can just chainsaw their kicker in a bathroom or something. I don’t know, I’ve never seen Scarface.

continued from the cover The question then is: Where to begin? There is no team in the Big Ten who we absolutely dominate enough to warrant a fiery rivalry. So the next logical step is to downgrade to a lower league. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to really start hating the Urbana High School Tigers. Urbana High School is the perfect rivalry for the Illini for multiple reasons. For one, the proximity factor cannot be ignored. This gives us Illini fans a load of great insult opportunities. For instance, we could yell, “This is our town!” even though 99% of us aren’t from here, and the students of Urbana actually have to live in this place. Also, you just know that Illinois would dominate because Urbana High School is just a bunch of stupid fucking kids. This is necessary because when a shitty Big Ten team like Purdue sees that we have been absolutely destroying our biggest rival, they will begin to fear us. Fear leads to intimidation, intimidation leads to insults, insults lead to t-shirts, t-shirts lead to rivalries. Speaking of t-shirts, the Urbana High School rivalry is loaded with great slogan ideas. For starters, “Tuck the Figers” has a pretty nice ring to it. However, more will be needed if we want to distance ourselves from our embarrassing Michigan rivalry. Since we want this rivalry to be started up as quickly as possible, we need to get personal with it: “Tigers: As extinct as your ball control,” “21 ACT? Oh, I thought that was just your rushing yards,” and “6.1%: Is that dropout rate or completed passes?” would all suffice. Some might call this cruel and heartless, but we just call it football. Sometimes I just wonder why it must be so hard for us to have enemies. We hate everybody else in the Big 10, but nobody in the Big 10 hates us. Truly it is worse to be liked yet ignored than to be hated yet included. If anybody from Michigan is reading this, please hate us. We have a lot of farms, isn’t that lame? We are super nerdy, like, REALLY lame. Anything...anyone? Is this thing on?

"Goddammit, this high school kid's going to score, isn't he?"

10 2 5 2 0 1 2 ASSEMBLY HALL

C H A M P A I G N

I L

W W W . G L O W F E S T T O U R . C O M

Illinois Ticket Office at the Assembly Hall Online: UofIassemblyhall.com By phone: 1-866ILLINI-1 ALL AGES

I L L I N O I S #GlowfestIL Facebook.com/glowfest

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERYDAY IN OCTOBER! $3 Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat, $4 Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat 20oz Tap Fridays and Saturdays in October! $3.50 Bud Light 20oz Taps

Thursday! WOLFGANG GARTNER with PIERCE FULTON and POPESKA

THURSDAY! BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

SATURDAY: DJ Belly, 10pm, $3 With Swords, Cid Ikarus, Miles "Mauser" Holt, Kirkwood West, and Terse

WED 10/10

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 10/11

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

WOLFGANG GARTNER with PIERCE FULTON and POPESKA

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Available For Private Parties! Contact us at 217-398-2688 or info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRI 10/12

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

VICTOR WOOTEN (Early Show!) PAPER DIAMOND with ELIOT LIPP and CLICKS & WHISTLES (Late Show!)

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

Available For Private Parties! Contact us at 217-398-2688 or info@cowboy-monkey.com

SAT 10/13

Open at 8am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

FACT AFTER-SET DJ DANCE PARTY

DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka

DJ Belly, 10pm, $3 With Swords, Cid Ikarus, Miles "Mauser" Holt, Kirkwood West, and Terse

SUN 10/14

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music! $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans! $2 Jack Honey and $3 Jack Daniels!

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MON 10/15

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints, $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER

TUES 10/16

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

40 North presents THE ACE AWARDS (Early Show) OPEN DECKS (Late Show) Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull Well drinks, No Cover!

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WED 10/17

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

ANDY GRAMMER with CHRIS WALLACE (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN! (Late Show!) Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 34oz Glass Mug! 2:30pm MICHIGAN vs ILLINI $5 34oz Bud Light Refills $3 Jameson, $3.50 Jager Bombs

WED 10/10

Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

SUNDAY: WWHP Presents: Tommy Castro Doors Open at 6pm

Fill out our party inquiry form at joesbrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 to book today!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Inflatable Fights Continues with Jousting at 10PM

$3 Strong Islands

THURS 10/11

$5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $3 Three Olives Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Titans vs Steelers 7pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Industry Night with DJ Luniks: 10pm - 2am No Cover!

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/12

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Coors Light Happy Hour with MLB Postseason on the Big Screen

SAT 10/13

Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 34oz Glass Mug! 2:30pm MICHIGAN vs ILLINI $5 34oz Bud Light Refills $3 Jameson, $3.50 Jager Bombs

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Now Booking November Birthday Parties! 217-384-1790

SUN 10/14

$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor - Domestic Beer...$2! Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel See every score from every team live! PACKERS vs TEXANS 7pm $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

WWHP Presents: Tommy Castro Doors Open at 6pm

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MON 10/15

Monday Night Football CHARGERS vs BRONCOS HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Inflatable Fights Continues with Foxy Boxing

TUES 10/16 WED 10/17

$15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

CLUB 211 BLACKLIGHTS Free Glowsticks & Finger Lights Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN 10/14

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

SAT 10/13

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

FRI 10/12

Frattle of the Bands Every Wednesday in October! 4 Bands Per Night - $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

SATURDAY: CLUB 211 BLACKLIGHTS Free Glowsticks & Finger Lights

THURS 10/11

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SUNDAY: Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

WED 10/10

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY: Bulls vs Cavs Preseason Game 7PM Miller Lite Pregame Party 3-7pm Shoot to Win "A" Section Seats $2.50 24oz Miller Lite Bottles Free Shuttle to Game $1 Papa Johns Pizza Slices

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Bulls vs Cavs Preseason Game 7PM Miller Lite Pregame Party 3-7pm Shoot to Win "A" Section Seats $2.50 24oz Miller Lite Bottles Free Shuttle to Game $1 Papa Johns Pizza Slices

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Early: Muck Fichigan Game Watch at 2:30, $2.00 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans Bud Girls & Giveaways $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks Late: Stop Light Party! Wear your Colors! $4 Absolut Blue Guys, $2 Bud Lt. Cans

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football! BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts, $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 10/15

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Pinnacle Vodka Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 10/16

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands CHAMPIONSHIP! $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/17

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

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bartenders of the week What’s your bartender nickname: The Godfather

What’s your bartender nickname: The Great White Hope, Sunshine.

What’s your favorite drink: Balls in your mouth.

What’s your favorite drink: Whiskey.

What’s your sexual fantasy: Me being in the middle of two black guys.

What’s the best sex position: The lotus.

What’s your favorite sex position: Folded deck chair. What’s your dream super power: Panty droppin’.

What’s your favorite Canopy Club show you’ve worked: They’re all fucking good. Mushroom Head was the shit.

What’s your WWE name: DickHaus.

Name one celebrity you want to bone: Natalie Portman.

What’s the best place to get a blow job: On the roof of Firehaus.

What celebrity do you want to run for President: Al Pacino. Biggest turn-on: Smiles.

What’s your name for your penis: Walton E. Reece III.

What’s your biggest turn-off: Frowns.

What celebrity do you think should run for president: 2 Chainz… truuuuu; VP: Waka Flocka.

Josh c. firehaus

How much would you pay for a blow job from Mila Kunis: 2 poo dollars. What’s your biggest turn-off: Hairy knees.

the drinking game

Downtown This game is not for the lightweights or the causal drinkers. Players will be engaging in a mixture of beer pong and flippy cup. Does that sound like a pussy game to you? No. Let’s get down to business. What You’ll Need: Cups, ping pong balls, and beer … lots of beer. Number of Players: Eight players, four per team. Level of Intoxication: Insta-shitfaced. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of four and stand on opposite sides of a table. - Set up a three-two-one formation of cups at the end of the table. - Give each player a cup with beer in it, any amount you all decide on. - The game starts with the first player of each team chugging their drink and flipping the cup. This flippy cup continues down the chain for each team. - When the last person in line has successfully flipped his or her cup, it’s time for the shootout. - Players will shoot across the table into one of the three-two-one cups on the opposite side. -Each team gets one ball. On a missed shot that ball must be returned to the shooter by a member of his team. - Once a single shot is made, that round ends. The players all shift down one spot, and the game starts over again with flippy cup. The Game Ends When: The team who clears their opponents’ three-two-one cups at the end of the table first wins, and they can celebrate sweet victory … if they can still stand.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What’s your spirit animal: Tiger.

Clay a. canopy club

What’s the best birthday present: Steaks and blow jobs. Where’s the best place to get a hickey: Oh… you know.

Recipe for Disaster

Classic Puppy Chow This is a classic recipe that anyone with half a brain can make and enjoy. Except for those with a hatred of chocolate or a peanut butter allergy. But screw them, right? What You’ll Need: An entire jar of peanut butter (none of that organic bullshit), a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, a stick of butter, a box of Chex cereal, and powdered sugar. Cook Time: 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll realize that not even an eating disorder will help your case after your massive consumption of this chocolate, peanut buttery goodness. Let’s Get Baked: - Melt one stick of butter and roughly a half jar of peanut butter. A microwave can be used but a stove top is easier to work with. - Once the peanut butter and butter are melted, add a half of a bag of chocolate chips and slowly melt those as well. - While everything is melting add a few spoonfuls of peanut butter and about six handfuls of chocolate chips. - Taste the mixture as you go along added more peanut butter or chocolate as you feel necessary. - Once you have accomplished the perfect ratio, pour your cereal into a bowl and drizzle the melted mixture over all of the cereal. - Place the coated Chex cereal and powdered sugar into a bag and violently shake it until all the pieces are totally covered. - Let your finished product cool and share (or not). WARNING: Puppy chow has been known to invoke feelings of regret, produce a negative body image, and make romantic comedies an acceptable genre.

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the booze review Booze Review: Seagram’s Sweet Tea Vodka | grade: a Overview: Everyone loves an ol’ homemade batch of some Southern sweet tea, as long as it’s not that knock-off crap from McDonald’s. Add that to a bottle of Seagram’s vodka, and y’all fixin’ to have yourselves a nice lil’ hoedown all night long. History: It was a hot Georgia morning, and Mama Seagram was in the kitchen making a batch of her secret recipe sweet tea for the barn raising that afternoon. Mama was known for her tea around town, and she had been threatened many-a-time at the county fair when her recipe always took first place, especially by Paula Deen. Mama was alone in the kitchen, happily mixing all of the ingredients in perfect proportions. She left the room for a short moment for some fresh air. As soon as she exited, sneaky Paula Deen popped out of the pantry closet and strutted over towards the tea mixture on the counter. She pulled out a small flask from her pocket and emptied the contents into the pitcher. Just then, Papa Seagram entered the room and gasped in shock. “What in tarnation! Mrs. Deen, ain’t no reason you should be a-larking around in my house!” She turned towards him with an evil smile, “Is that a stick of butter in your pants, or are you just excited to see me?” He tensed up in anger. “How ‘bout you just get along now. Ain’t nothing you need to see. If I hear tell you been tellin’ the missus about me, I’ll dip you in my vat of sour cream and toss you in the river!” Papa Seagram ran out in a hurry, Paula Deen escaped otherwise unseen, and Mama

returned to take her batch of tea to the barn raising. Her tea was an even bigger hit than usual, and Mama just equated it to the hot weather that afternoon. But when she had a drink of it herself, it didn’t take long for her to realize it had been tainted with premium vodka. Mama had no clue how something like this could happen, but she knew it was damn good, and you can bet your bottom that little varmit Paula Deen never got any of the credit. Typical Drinkers: Amish rebels, Paula Deen, old cowboys with no teeth, uppity McDonald’s visitors, women in fancy hats, and Honey Boo Boo. User Comments: “Wait, do I have to mix this with something? It’s so good.” “I reckon we’re gonna get pretty f’d up tonight.” “A drink this good is as scarce as hen’s teeth, y’all!” “We should get a whole keg of this next time.” Conclusion: A drink so tasty y’all could probably drink it straight or with a bit of water and still enjoy it. You’re darn tootin’ this stuff is good.

Best Mixer: lemonade | Worst Mixer: Sour cream

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I’ve Got Friends in Random Places

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

kevin hanes wrote this

What should Beyonce name her next child? “Purple Grass.” - Jamie D., Senior

“Learn a lot, make friends.” Isn’t that what everyone’s mom said when dropping them off at the University of Illinois for the first time? All through life, your parents have pushed and prodded you to be friendly and go out and meet new people. From your days on the jungle gym to the halls of high school, you were expected to be that social butterfly. Your parents may have even helped your weird ass by setting up play dates for you. So now you’re in college, a student at the good ol’ U of I, strings detached. How do you stay social? Where do you make friends now that your parents no longer exist in your life? What might surprise your parents and yourself is that friends can come from the absolute weirdest of places. And that’s actually not a bad thing at all. The bar has forever been a gathering place of drunken, horny college students. It’s not the sticky floor or cheap mixed drinks that cause such excitement, nor is it the uncontrollable urge to dance while singing along to a dubstep remix of “Mr. Brightside” with your new friends. No, the bar is not a weird place to meet new people at all. The bathroom, however, is a much better spot to get up close and personal with new peeps. Why wouldn’t you want to make a friend there? After all, you’re all standing in line for 20 minutes to suffer through the worst, most disgusting bathroom experience of your life. If that doesn’t bring people together, then I don’t know what does. Meeting people here is way better than getting hit on by guys on the dance floor who think they’re hot shit because they’re in a so-called “top house.” Maybe it’s the stench of urine and stale liquor, or perhaps it’s the sound of puke spewing from the drunken bitch hogging one of two stalls. Either way, the bar bathroom is infamous for conjoining two unlikely ladies into “biffers.” “Oh my God, we should so do some shots together!!!" Don’t worry, the bar bathroom isn’t the only place you can make friends on campus. There are a lot of other cleaner, less smelly

spots to do this. If you’re looking for some diversity in your friend pool look no further than the Illini Union Legal Services waiting room. Nothing says “best friends” like figuring out how to stay in school together. The only reason you’re in this place is because you done fucked up. What an idiot! Seriously though, you’ll want nothing more than to think about your immediate future, and that’s why you turn to the other deadbeat next to you for advice. If the two of you manage to stay enrolled, maybe a happy friendship can blossom. Hell, at least you’ll get a new drug dealer out of the whole ordeal. The best friendships always involve a good partner with some premium bud to rip the bong with. Last but not least, everyone knows school is where you’re supposed to try new things, experiment with sex and drugs, and discover who you are as a person. These ideas just scream “underground and unlabeled RSOs.” Sure, chess club and basket weaving may be a good time to learn a new skill, but we’re talking explicit, non-sanctioned Illinois extracurricular activities. Everyone thought Rihanna was just starting a passing trend, but the S&M Fanatic Club is really catching wind. Whips and chains are recommended supplies but not required; extras can and will be provided. Next door in the quiet homes of Urbana’s housing district, you can also find The Fighting Illini Orgy Club—open to anyone of any sex, race, sexual orientation, or experience. So next time you’re in the area, or just want to try something new and make some new friends, don’t hesitate to try a new club.Your mom and dad didn’t just send you to school just to go to class and get good grades, right? They sent you to Illinois to get involved and make new friends. So don’t you worry, there’s always a place for you to meet new people, traditional or not. Don’t forget, always be polite and smile.

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: s e n i l e h t e d i s t u o t o b o r s t r o

p s X O F e Cleatus th

g the 2005-2006 appearance durin ed f vis le te st fir s hi ho Cleatus was of made anted to know w S robot. Cleatus w RT e O w t SP Bu X k. FO ea e br th l s, every commercia rview with Cleatu an exclusive inte characters during l d issions. By: Quinn na re io cu em ot se an p om cle ee pr I d Sh an k CG f el ac of fu Bl g oe in bi Th l nd al k, fe ’t This wee ncing and in Cleatus' past isn he can be seen da s out, everything rn Tu w. no NFL season. Now is he he got to where camera, and how

Factory Life Cleatus was born in Detroit, and started work right away building the Ford Escape. However, after the market crashed the factory could no longer afford keeping a technically advanced humanoid. After being found guilty for the tragic death of a coworker, the company had a reason to lay Cleatus off: “The factory was my home. When work ended and everyone went home, I would stay behind. All the lights shut off, except one that was near a radio. Weeks became months and months became years – just that radio and me. The music moved me, and I became more than a cog in the assembly line – I could move in different directions without prior programming. And

I learned to dance not for myself, but for a woman. A human woman… for almost a year I danced with her in my imagination for hours on end. Then one day, with layoffs looming and clouding my typically calculated mind, a 30-gallon jug of injection fluid slipped through my fingers and doused the love of my life, burning her flesh and killing her, slowly. She looked me in the eyes as she melted into a puddle of flesh with eye contact that I couldn’t reciprocate because these LED lights simply can’t express the alloy-rending pain I felt. Three months later the factory shut down, and I was left to wander the streets of Detroit alone.”

Finding a home Detroit was not welcoming to a robotic humanoid with human blood on his hands. Jobs were scarce – especially for a two-ton robot who only knew Ford cars. He was the representation of the American auto industry and its bloated production methods. The police didn’t want him, neither did the military, and the circus doesn’t accept robots. Cleatus was out of options, haunted by death, and addicted to crude oil. “I was jobless and I was an addict. I worked odd jobs here and there – lifting heavy objects, or other… dirtier things… only to buy more fuel. I sold and traded my robotic extensions to sex shops, who displayed them along with my picture. They called me Cleatus the Clit King, and dressed me up in regal clothes to dance and make erotic gestures in their windows. Then, one

day, a high school football coach saw me dancing and asked if I would work his sideline. Of course I took the job, and started dancing with the cheerleaders. We learned from each other, and were surely going to state. I grew extremely close to these girls. They knew what the streets of Detroit were like, and we connected through dance. They were the sisters I never had. They made me feel human, until one day I was reminded again what separates me from them: death. While performing a triple axle twist into the splits, my foot slipped and landed onto Ashley-May’s chest plate, disintegrating it instantly. She died on the spot, and I ran as fast and as far away as I could. But I couldn’t run away from the soulless eyes of yet another human slain at my hand.”

the road to recovery Authorities found Cleatus incoherent from crude oil, and pleasuring himself to pictures of Transformers in children’s magazines. The media had the world believe Cleatus was a murderer pedophile, but Cleatus waited for his day in court. People we screaming for all robots like him to be incinerated. Cleatus prevailed, and his charges were dropped when the court ruled that the two horrific deaths were merely accidents. However, the judge sent him to supervised therapy and required that he be separated from all humans, “He was born in a factory with machines, and that is where he belongs.” If Cleatus couldn’t find a mentor he would be sent to a tropical island to slave away in a sugar factory. Enter William Clay Ford, previous owner of the Continental Division of The Ford Company and current owner of the Detroit Lions. He was also, as it turned out, Cleatus’s father. William took Cleatus under his wing, and placed him in the deep cement depths of Ford Field. He learned of Cleatus's superior dance moves, and realized that he could use Cleatus to pump up the ever-desperate fans of the Detroit Lions. So, William put a camera in Cleatus's cement room, and had him perform pump-up routines to broadcast onto Ford Field’s big screen. “At first, I was just happy to be off the streets. I had a great job, and William treated me with respect. He built me, and gave me

my first job. Sure, there was some animosity there because he was so cold after the factory incident… but he saved me. But slowly it seemed like my pump-up routines couldn’t save the Lions, and William’s visits came less and less. It wasn’t until executives at FOX saw my routine and decided to make me a national football treasure. I was ecstatic. Finally my dance moves could be seen by the world, and I could clear my name. Cleatus the Football Robot wouldn’t just be a sideshow - a simple-minded machine whose existence on Earth is to obey humans. No more building crappy cars, no more crude oil keeping me subservient, and no more using my robotic appendages to fulfill human sexual fantasies. But just like everything else in my life, it quickly turned to rust. FOX used me a lot at first; I was getting almost as much airtime as the human football players themselves. But years passed, and the FOX camera crews started visiting less and less, just like William had done. Now I sit in this dark, damp cement cave for months on end. I have no idea what time it is, or even what year it is… and I’m not sure why they insist on keeping the lights off. It’s like being in the factory all over again, but this time I don’t have a radio to keep me sane. I can’t even dance with the ghost of my one

true love. The darkness only brings my mind back to the smell of injector fluid burning her flesh. When I dance, all I hear is her screams. It is torture. When they come back, they just toss a pilgrim or Santa Claus outfit at me and tell me to do some dance moves. Someone mentioned that I have a Twitter account, but that’s impossible. The only source of electricity is the one keeping me alive – and I’ve tried destroying it several times. I hate dancing, I hate them, and I would cry if I could. But I can’t and I’ll be here forever. Locked in this cement prison, dancing and slamming footballs for humans to only laugh and ignore me.”

the interview

big freedia

Big Freedia Queen Diva is on the forefront of the bounce music revolution – an emerging genre that might just eclipse dubstep in a few years (fingers crossed). Its super-uptempo beat triggers all crowds into a raucous booty-bouncin’ frenzy, and we won’t be surprised to see Big Freedia’s name on the long list of musical pioneers to come out of New Orleans. Since bounce music is kind of hard to explain, you should just go look up “Big Freedia” on YouTube or go to her website (bigfreedia.com) (seriously, you won’t regret it, although it is NSFBOOTY). By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Can you describe bounce music to me? Big Freedia: Sure, my definition of bounce music is an up-tempo, heavy bass, partyin’-time type music. Definitely has to do with shakin’ of the ass too – definitely a party atmosphere, dance-floor music. TBS: You’re a leading force of bounce music, how has it grown since you first got into it? Big Freedia: It has grown tremendously – pickin’ up tons of shows and fans. I’ve traveled half of the world within the last year or so. It’s just expanded really big, and me being on the forefront of it, and being able to bring a lot of people to it, it’s sent me in a whole different direction. TBS: You are in a unique situation – what’s it like going to shows, knowing that a lot of people there haven’t been exposed to this music? Big Freedia: Well, for the most part, it’s been cool. People tend to have seen the videos or heard it before so they kind of have an idea, but they really don’t know because the live shows are so much different. People are really just excited about it, they cultivate to it, and get into it – they start jammin’ with me. You know, you have no choice but to dance. TBS: Have you ever had a crowd that isn’t getting the vibes? Big Freedia: I wouldn’t say they didn’t get the vibe – I would just say they were more of a “lookable” crowd, like they would just stand and watch, then after each song they’ll start going crazy and cheering – then go back to standing at attention as me and my crew go crazy. But it’s rare that happens, where people just stand there. TBS: What type of venues do you prefer? Big Freedia: I do them all, but the ones that are really small and get really intense, and you have that connection with the crowd – it gets really sweaty and hot. Those shows, where people are packed in, it’ll be a better show, the vibes, the tightness of the room – those are always so intense. TBS: Are shows different in New Orleans than other places? Big Freedia: Most definitely, I’d say they’re different. Each place is a little different, you know, kind of the same response in the fans love it and everyone is partying. But the fans in New Orleans know all my music and are used to me, so they holler and sing all the lyrics. TBS: Your videos are awesome, are you making any on this tour? Big Freedia: Yeah I actually have a few videos about to drop. Two that should come out in the beginning of October – working on “Step into the Ring” we’re just waiting on the editing to get done – then it will be out as soon as possible. Also a new one with RuPaul called “Peanut Butter.” TBS: What’s a perfect day in the life of Big Freedia? Big Freedia: When I’m feeling in good health, my mom’s in good health, my family’s safe and secure. You know, just being blessed to wake up another day is a blessing for me. TBS: I’m sure Katrina changed that outlook. Big Freedia: Definitely, going through Katrina and sleeping under bridges and convention centers, being displaced from your family – definitely changed my life for sure. TBS: What’s something you can’t go without when you travel? Big Freedia: Oh yeah, I can’t go without my razors so I can shave my face – my personal hygiene things of course. I’d be lost without my laptop. All those things to keep everything goin’ in the movement and the work I need to do. Always try to bring some merch for the fans… TBS: Speaking of merch, where can people go to pick up your music and everything? Big Freedia: I always bring some posters and booty shorts – two things I always have with me.

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

sinister in theaters october 12 Ethan Hawke plays a novelist who discovers a box of creepy-ass home movies in the creepy-ass attic of his family's new creepy-ass home. The films contain footage of the family who used to live there, but have been murdered, and each are connected by one thing - an image of (you guessed it!) a creepy-ass dude. You could say our asses are pretty creeped out.

argo in theaters october 12 During the height of the Iranian Revolution Tony Mendez (played by white-boy Ben Affleck) concocts a practical plan of creating a fake Hollywood production to fool the terrorists into a releasing a group of U.S. diplomats. If you think this sounds nuts, you're right. But it's also based on actual events, which is nuts.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations Monday, October 15 at 9pm on Travel channel Anthony Bourdain may be one of your standard go-to's on a slow TV night, as he's better than watching Adam Richman stuff burgers down his throat. This week Bourdain heads to Rio, where he drinks Brazil's national cocktail the caipirinha and eats filet mignon stew. Sounds pretty dope if you ask us.

Passing The Bar

Maybe not today, and probably not tomorrow, but there will be a point in your life when you drink alcohol that doesn’t end in “Light” or “O’clock.” Test your knowledge to see how many of these blank liquor labels you know. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all, you’ll win a prize!

the classtime

drinks and what they’re made of Across

3) Wine, fruit, club soda 5) White tequila, Jagermeister, lime juice 6) Vodka, coffee liqueur, cream 9) Vodka, tomato juice, spices 12) Bailey’s, sambuca 13) Gold tequila, watermelon schnapps, Red Bull 16) White rum, sugar, lime juice, sparkling water, mint 17) Cherry vodka, Red Bull, simple syrup 18) Peach schnapps, orange juice 19) Whiskey, lemon juice, simple syrup 21) Cherry brandy, orange juice 22) Bailey’s, lime juice 24) Scotch, sweet vermouth, bitters 25) Peach schnapps, vodka, cranberry juice, orange juice 26) Tequila, limeade concentrate, triple sec, ice

juice 4) Whiskey, beer 7) Jagermeister, peach schnapps, cranberry juice 8) Vodka, gin, tequila, rum, triple sec, lemon juice, cola 10) Jim Beam, Jack Daniel’s, Jose Cuervo 11) Gin, dry vermouth, olive juice, olives 14) Whiskey, sugar, bitters 15) Vodka, orange juice 20) Vodka, lemon juice, sugar 23) Champagne, orange juice

Down

1) Pale ale, Guinness stout 2) Rum, cream of coconut, pineapple

Answers

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the classtime

possible party themes toga

swingers

black light

birthday

costume

frat

celebrity

office

black tie

holiday

lingerie

redneck

bros and hoes

beach

too soon

sports

pajama

nerd

stop light

guilty pleasure

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