Illinois - Issue 8 - 10/10/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

Vol. 23, Issue 8

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/9/13 - 10/16/13

Professor Literally Never covered anything on midterm Exam

BY: kitty kat Students in Doctor Needy’s Integrative Biology 105 lecture are a little peeved after finishing their recent midterm exam, claiming that Needy “literally never taught [them] any of this stuff.” Junior Kyle Barker seemed to be the most vocal about the situation. “I studied my ass off for this exam. I made flashcards, went to office hours, read textbook chapters; I turned into a complete nerd this week trying to make sure I knew everything on this test. I did everything you’re normally supposed to do for a class, and then he throws this shit at us? It’s not fair!” Dr. Needy, an Illinois alum, graduated with honors in chemical and biomolecular engineering, completing his doctorate degree in a record five years. This year he returned to campus after accidentally setting a chemical plant on fire during the lunch break of his first real job. He realized that his skills would be much more relevant in a classroom setting, and the University welcomed him back as a professor with open arms.

today, Needy relies on the old-fashioned overhead projector and chalkboard to convey information to his lecture of over 200 students. “Today’s technology of computers and Internet are great when it comes to teaching ... I guess,” Needy said, rolling his eyes. “But they’re not nearly as grabbing and moving as the handwritten word. That’s also why I don’t allow students to take notes on computers in my classroom. Everything must be written in notebooks in my class. The only time I use technology in the classroom is when I turn on the overhead projector. And I only do that if I can’t find a decent piece of chalk on the board ledge.” Flipping through the material, it was clear that the information Dr. Needy had been teaching the students was way beyond 100-level course material. There were pages upon pages of chemical equations and elaborate sketches of mountains and forests that students were expected to copy down during the 50-minute lecture.

“The education I received from the University of Illinois is absolutely outstanding. I will never be able to give back to them everything they have given to me. Instead, I hope to share my knowledge and love for chemistry and biology with every student I can,” Needy oozed.

Since the first day of class, students have been annoyed by Dr. Needy’s outdated teaching techniques but continued to stay in the class, thinking it would be an easy A and a quick fill for a gen-ed requirement. After taking last week’s midterms, however, many students are angry they stuck around for so long.

class is about environmental biology, but our last five questions on the exam were all about what academic awards Needy has earned since he graduated from U of I and how close he was to winning a Nobel Prize. How is that supposed to help me with anything?”

Needy showed us the lecture material he provided up until the midterm exam. Instead of using PowerPoint or Keynote slides like many college professors

“Literally none of the questions pertained to anything in or notes or on the study guide he made for us,” senior Pauline Peabody complained. “This

We were able to get a copy of both Doctor Needy’s so-called study guide and test to see if they truly were unrelated, or if students were being ridicu-

lous. It was surprising when we saw, in fact, that the study guide was merely a packet of papers about Needy himself, including a print copy of his resume, Rate My Professor ratings (that had obviously been censored and reworded to his benefit) and three recipes for his favorite vegan muffins. Students were expected to memorize the material in its entirety and be able to produce one of the muffin types at a moment’s notice. continued on page 19

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Sorority Girl Sprains Ankle at Barn Dance

Pledge Cannot Believe He Was Lied to During Rush

Plan B Job Fair Scheduled for Hopeless Students

Eyewitness reports fail to lead to one source of the injury.

Faces the pain that he IS actually going to be hazed.

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#goodtimes Word

Kitty Kat, First semester isn’t even over yet, but I can already tell that I’ve gained the Freshman Fifteen. It’s hard to eat healthy in the Ike with fried chicken every night and a soft serve ice cream machine fifteen feet away. Do you have any ideas for other ways I could cut back on the pounds? Thanks, Fatty Fran Dear Chubs, Yikes. That sucks. But don’t worry, I’ve been there, we all have. And the majority of us turned everything around and lost the weight we once gained off of late night Pokey Stix and ramen noodles. You can do it too. I would suggest you start having lots and lots of sex. With different people, too. Why? Well, for one, it helps burn calories, just like exercise. Also, whoring yourself out like this will make you feel really self-conscious when you strip down. It’ll make you feel awful about your body, which is a good thing. And when you get it on with a bunch of randos, you freak out and sweat so much out of fear of pregnancy or STDs that it’s like a sweet afterburn after a hard running interval session. Hope this helps! Later, Kitty Kat

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Crampage

of the

You know, periods and stuff. “Sally went on a crampage when her Midol wore off in the middle of her three-hour chemistry lab.

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Georgia Tech’s Buzz

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Calcifer’s voice actor, floating around in one of these mineral monstrosities. Last Week’s Answer: Robert Smith & Wesson

Oskee Ow Ow Sorority Girl Sprains Ankle at Barn Dance By: Ben Bacardi “She was pretty drunk,” said one casual onlooker. “It almost seemed inevitable that something bad would happen. [Shelly] was screaming her head off, and she was obnoxiously yelling all the lyrics to every song that was playing, even though she was singing the wrong lyrics. She couldn’t even stand up straight, her one guy friend was holding her up the whole time.” “She didn’t seem that drunk,” said one of her good friends. “It had to be an accident. I was with her the whole night and out of all our friends, she can handle her alcohol the best. She’s like a tank, and she only had like, seven beers and like, two shots.” Details are still hazy on exactly how Gamma Phi Beta senior Shelly Johnson sprained her ankle at the sorority's barn dance last week, as there are several conflicting eyewitness reports. However, somebody who knows Johnson and her friends doesn’t think this is the full truth.

“They always say that Shelly can handle her liquor, but I’ve seen that girl on her ass after just one beer,” he said. “For some reason they always think she can drink like a sailor. She can’t. She was just wasted and probably doesn’t remember it at all. Typical sorority girl.” We were able to get in contact with the only sober person at the barn dance, Kelsey Ferguson, who dropped a huge bombshell. “Oh, this was no accident,” Ferguson said. “I saw somebody push her over. She was in an argument with some guy, and he pushed her. There was a bale of hay behind her, and she fell over it and twisted her ankle. Nobody did anything about it. Her flannel was all ripped, and her hair had mud in it; it was really scary.” When asked who had pushed her, our source pointed us to the person who potentially did it.

“Nobody pushed her over,” said the suspect, confident yet annoyed. “It was an act of God ... or she was drunk or something. Are you suggesting I pushed her over? Look at me. I go to church every Sunday, I work out, I volunteer at the homeless shelter on the weekends. I play pick-up football games with underprivileged youth. What? Do you think that that’s all some sort of show I put on to mask the fact that I’m an evil person underneath? That I’ve actually physically abused a woman and try to get away with it by doing charity?” he said aggressively.

Since it obviously couldn’t have been that person, we got in contact with Shelly herself to find out exactly what happened, but she sure seemed hesitant to talk about it with us. “I really don’t know what to say,” Johnson said. “I was drunk. I don’t really remember what happened. I just really want to forget it even happened. Once my ankle is healed, it will all be a distant memory, and I can forget everything that happened and just go back to getting shitfaced with my friends without dragging crutches around the bar.”

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Fifth-Year Art History Major Looks Into Crystal Ball, Sees Future Trailer Home By Jupiter Stevens

Agricultural Science Midterm Just Forces Students To Be Human Scarecrows By: Jupiter Stevens

Fifth-year student Jeff Boyd reportedly picked out his future trailer house this weekend after getting a chance to see his future in a toy crystal ball.

Agricultural science students have been studying all week for their midterm exam Friday, which requires them to log three hours of field work acting as a human scarecrow, by sitting completely still in their dorm rooms.

The art history student met with Gypsy Rose at an off-campus haunted house with a few classmates after all attendees at a Friday night soiree realized they were “huge haunted house buffs” and were “in love with the artistic design.” “I just love what they do with the high-fructose compounds,” Boyd explained. “That's fake blood, for all you non-art history majors out there.” After critiquing each employee's zombie costume, Boyd found his way to Gypsy Rose's room where all the doubts about his future were confirmed in her battery-powered crystal ball. “All I remember was seeing this dirty, old trailer park and the McDonald's dollar menu,” Boyd said. “I mean, I'm kind of shocked. I always thought I could get a job as soon as I got out of college.” Professor David O'Brien contradicted Boyd's hopes and dreams, saying the first lesson students learn in ARTH 101 is that they, in fact, have no future. “The rumors are true,” Professor O'Brien said. “If you like financial security and/or happiness and sanity, then art history is not the academic course for you.” Boyd rejected Professor O'Brien's promise, citing his passion for the arts as the thing that will eventually lead him to success. “I'm not stupid,” Boyd assured. “I remember what everyone told me when I was a kid: If you are passionate about something, you can definitely find a future in it.”

“It's funny,” student Gregory Sterns said. “You'd think since it's such an odd exam that you'd have to take a different approach to studying, but I find myself studying the exact same way I would for any other class.” While most of the exam’s points come from their scarecrow

performance, other portions of the exam force students to participate in an annual harvest and soil turning. Department head K.C. Ting said the plan is an excellent opportunity for all ACES students. “Let's face it, you don't learn everything you need to know by just sitting in a classroom,”Ting said. “Sometimes you need to get out there in the field and do real work.” Ting later confirmed that by “field” he in fact meant a literal field and by “work” he really meant “making sure animals and intoxicated underclassmen don't fuck up the crops on the Morrow Plots.” According to Ting, an overwhelming amount of students pass the exam with perfect scores every year, while a handful of students routinely miss points for “not dressing up like that guy from The Wizard of Oz and laughing every time the professor asks for a 'hoe'.”

Last year, one student failed the exam after purchasing a bag full of produce at County Market and trying to pass it off as harvested crops. “It might have worked if he didn't buy apples,” Ting said. “I mean, it's like some students don't even take this major seriously.” Most students said they applied to the University of Illinois as an agricultural science major assuming they'd be able to “drive one of those big-ass machines with the giant wheels and block a bunch of traffic.” Ting said the midterm exam is simply a warm-up to the students' final exam which will force them to live on a farmer's salary for two weeks, eating only the roots from carrots and drinking unprocessed, raw milk every night for dinner. “If they're serious about farming, then they'll have to learn about it through experience,” Ting said. “I know it's tough, but hey, at this point they still get a weekly shower and an opportunity to leave their property at least once a year.”

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Breaking Bad “Fanatic” Waiting Patiently for Next Season By: Strawberry Shortcock

*Warning: There are spoilers inside. But if you’ve waited this long to watch the last episode, then you deserve it, bitch. Now that most people have finished grieving over the series finale of Breaking Bad, couch potatoes nationwide have once again begun the sweat-inducing search for a new show to give them those good ol’ Sunday night feels. If you’re horny and rich enough to afford Showtime, that might mean jumping on board the first season of Masters of Sex. If you’re poor, we've heard this season The Simpsons will kill off a fan-favorite character in a bold attempt to get people to watch their dying, whorish attempts at cultural and political relevance. Or, if you’re like College of Fine Arts sophomore and self-described “biggest Breaking Bad fan in the history of methamphetamine” Hillary Updike, you’ll wait patiently for the next season of Breaking Bad to come out. “I’m trying really hard to get all caught up, so that by next year I can watch the whole season live with everyone else,” Updike said. “I just started watching a couple of weeks ago after everyone on Twitter and Facebook kept posting stuff like ‘OMG BREAKING BAD WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME.’ I felt really alone, so I started watching it on Netflix one night.” Updike, who apparently doesn’t understand the difference between a season and a series finale, claims that she’s in the middle of the second season and loving every second of it. “I just realized like a week ago that the main character, Walter White, is played by the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. Isn’t that neat? That actor does a really good job at playing caring, likeable fathers. He reminds me of my dad, actually.” Apparently, Updike plans to “tweet the shit” out of the season six premier so that it looks like she has TV

nights with friends. According to her Facebook page, Updike is hosting a themed party on the day the new episode finally arrives. Mark your calendars for the premiere, folks, because similar to John Travolta, Taylor Lautner, and Oprah, it will never come out. “I already bought glasses for a slutty librarian costume, but on Halloween I would probably sleep with someone dressed up as Walter or Jesse if the situation presents itself,” Updike said when asked if she’d shave her head to dress up like her favorite character. “During the Twilight premier parties, I made out with like fifteen different people dressed up as Edward— I even let one of them bite me pretty hard on the neck. Sure, it broke skin, but something about men cosplaying really gets me going.”

“I just realized like a week ago that the main character Walter White is played by the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. Isn’t that neat?" Updike, as it turns out, neither read the Twilight books nor saw movies one through three. As far as the Breaking Bad series goes, The Black Sheep isn’t convinced she’ll stick with the show long enough to finish before the next biggest Twitter trend steals her away. We’re putting money on the one-armed lesbian with terminal cancer from the upcoming season of The Voice, who’s only “okay” at singing but has the most emotional story line we’ve seen since Titanic.

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Pledge Cannot Believe He Was Lied to During Rush By: Dan Mirabelli After being pledged into his fraternity, freshman Billy Weinberg was shocked to discover that he had been lied to on various accounts. We had a chance to speak to Billy and learn his story in the Rec Room in the basement of the Union, where he was hiding from house activities. There had been a lot of talk about the IFC’s dry rush and its strict no-hazing policy, so it came as a shock to Billy when he realized he was going to be hazed. “During rush, the guys made it really clear that they weren’t going to haze me,” lamented Billy. “I wouldn’t have joined if I knew I’d be taking weird household objects up my butthole every night.” After weeks of rushing, Billy finally received a bid to his favorite house on campus. He posted a Facebook status and tweeted, “HELL YEAH got my bid!!!! #Pumped #Frat,” while posting an Instagram of his bid card, excited to shout out to the world that he was no longer a GDI. Yet, his joy was short-lived. “Within an hour after accepting my bid, I was told to delete my Twitter and Instagram posts because I was acting like a jackass,” Billy said. Billy told us after that incident they were pretty “chill” with him, but one night he received a call that would drastically alter his pledging experience. “A week into pledgeship I received a call around midnight to be outside my dorm in five minutes or I was fucked,” he explained. Apparently Billy didn’t take the threat seriously enough and after lackadaisically

arriving two minutes late, he cleaned an active’s apartment for 8 hours straight while listening to “What Does the Fox Say?” on repeat. “Every time I would finish cleaning, they’d empty out the garbage and undo everything I had just done,” he said. “They even made me wear a fox costume the whole time and make all the noises in time with the song.” “I can’t believe they tricked me,” Billy whined as he rubbed his ass. “They seemed so sincere and cool.” The Black Sheep realized Billy had been hovering over his chair the duration of the interview. When asked why he wasn’t sitting down on the chair, Billy pulled down his pants to reveal large red streaks across his ass cheeks. He explained that he had been paddled the night before because he accidentally “finger-banged the Vice President’s sister” at their ABC exchange two days before, and “since the Vice-President is a boner, everyone thought it was pretty funny.” He begged us not include that statement, but he’s a pledge, so who cares? Billy was also upset to learn during the first chapter meeting that the fraternity he was pledging was not a top-tier house, as he had been told. The lack of interaction with women is one of the main reasons Billy wants to call it quits with his new “brothers.” “They told me that I’d be slamming dimes on the reg, but the only action I’ve gotten since the VP’s sister was a shitty hand job from

another pledge,” he grumbled. He also learned his fraternity didn’t even have a house, what he had thought was their house was actually just Altgeld Hall. “There’s a few apartments scattered around campus,” Billy noted, “they told us we’re not allowed to meet everyone in the house until we initiate.” When asked how many pledge brothers he has, he replied, “I’m not allowed to meet them yet, but probably around 25 or so.” After further investigation, it has become clear that Billy is not pledging a fraternity but has been tricked into doing chores and ridiculous tasks by a small group of students on campus. He refused to believe it, citing, “You don’t know what you’re talking about you stupid geeds.” However, it appears that Billy will be a GDI pledge indefinitely, which, we guess, is poetic or something.

Bad-Boy Cello Quartet is the Band to See

at This Year’s Frattle of the Bands

The

Top

Ten

Most Unforgettable Brotips By: Brian Barsotti

Every day, millions of people read Brotips for brotherly pro-tips, which means that every day, millions of people turn to the wrong place for advice. Yes, in spite of all its hype, Brotips is about as trustworthy a source as 4chan. So as one can imagine, narrowing down the top 10 Brotips is like deciding which state in the Bible Belt has the worst dentistry, but we tried our best nevertheless. 10.) You don’t have to have sex to cheat. Once you find yourself deleting texts, you’re probably almost there: Did you hear that, guys? If your phone starts running low on free memory space, and you have to start getting rid of text messages from your inbox, then chances are, you’re secretly unfaithful to your woman. Wow, you’re such a dick. 9.) Telling someone to calm down is pretty much the worst way to get someone to calm down: We can think of plenty of worse ways to get someone to calm down. Like spiders. Spiders do a horrible job of calming people down. And so do chainsaws. In fact, of all the possible ways to calm a person down, we’d wager that telling them to calm down is one of the better ones. 8.) Naked pictures of your girlfriend are signs of trust. Naked pictures of your ex are like trading cards: Dude, she’s your ex because you do dickish things like showing off nudie pics to your lifting bros.

By: Benny Boy “I do it for the money and I do it for the women, but above all I do it for the cello,” Carl Nguyen, c. 2013.

didn’t even like that. Eventually we just played a cover of “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam and everyone was happy.”

Carl Nguyen and the Bad-Boy Cello Quartet have been terrorizing the local Champaign cello circuit for some time now. Mainstays at local classical musical club Krannert Center for the Performing Arts, The Bad-Boy Cello quartet have been eager to bring their sound to a more mainstream audience, and has recently found an avenue to what Carl calls “The highway to handjobs” through participation in this year’s Frattle of the Bands.

Following “Jeremy” the Bad-Boy Cello Quartet skyrocketed to the pole position. When the band came out with an encore of “The General” by Dispatch, the stage was instantly covered with brassieres and sling-shotted panties. “I think our success comes from the fact that we aren’t just another pop band. We don’t just play the hits. If you come to our show and expect us to play Bach’s Prelude to Suite for Solo Cello No. 1 in G Major you are going to leave the show disappointed. Of course we’ll pepper in some Allegretto Quasi Menuetto from Bach’s Sonata in E Minor and maybe even a little of Schubert’s Sonata in A Minor, but if you think you’re gonna be hearing Pachelbel’s Canon in D you can just fuck right off.”

Carl sits in front of me clad in black and smoking a cigarette as he discusses the events that lead the band to signing up for Frattle of the Bands. “So I was just bladin’ down Green Street, listening to a nice Baltazar sonata performed by Eric Friedlander, of course, and not Yo-Yo Ma, I don’t fuck around with that polished blender shit, when I came across a poster for the Frattle of the Bands. Now, at the time I was late for a pre-show rosin sesh, so I didn’t pay it much mind. But then when I was playing the show I thought, ‘Carl, you should be playing for more chicks.’ It hit me like a bolt of freakin' lightning. I went back and got the sign-up sheet and the rest is history.” Frattle of the Bands is typically home to bands of more the jam band/reggae variety, with previous winners including Tom Petty cover bands Last Dance with Mary Jane (2012) and The Mary Janes (2011), as well as Bob Marley cover bands The Babylon Doobies (2010) and The Spliff-Tokin’ Ganja Lions (2009). Understandably, at first the Bad-Boy Cello Quartet was not well received by fans. “I was like, ‘These fuckers are just a bunch of classical-era assholes.’ I was damned if I was going to give up my strictly baroque upbringing and cater to their post-1760 cello arrangement demands. I’m an artist. I whipped out a sweet little number by Rameau for the solo cello, but they

The band has also been starting to experiment with different stage antics. For instance, Carl can often be seen tightening his bow during his bandmates solos, a practice which is usually seen as lewd and unprofessional by most established cello quartets. The quartet has also occasionally switched instruments in the middle of the show for comedic effect, even though they are all, in fact, cellists. “That’s all just showmanship. If some people don’t understand it, there’s nothing I can do about that. I just gotta do what the people of my generation want to see. You gotta do something that the crowd can remember you by.” And remembering them they are. The band has received numerous record deals from hit classical music record labels including Ivory Classics and Opera Rara. “The record deals are cool, and we are also excited about winning the grand prize of Frattle of the Bands, which is a $200 bar tab and meet and great with Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas. However, we aren’t in this game for the money, recognition, or Taboo, we are in it for the cello. The cello is all, and the cello is now. So if you’ll excuse me, I gotta some bows to re-string.”

7.) When passing a bro in a tight space, always go back-to-back: Because no matter how tolerant of homosexuality you claim to be, you never want to accidentally touch penises with another dude. Never. It’s almost as bad as putting only ketchup on your hot dog. 6.) Sometimes the best wingman is the dude working at the haunted house: Nothing coerces women into sex quite like fear does, right fellas? That’s why people hire somebody to dress up as the boogeyman and hide in their closet whenever they try to get laid. She’ll cling to you so tightly that it should be easy to get a few thrusts in to calm her down. 5.) Always hold the beer bottle from the bottom. Holding it around the neck makes you look like an alcoholic: It’s true. When you hold that bottle of Heineken from its neck, people will be under the illusion that you drink alcohol, whereas holding the bottom of the bottle doesn’t create such a misunderstanding. 4.) Saying, “Let’s still be friends,” after a bad break-up is like saying, “The dog died, but we can still keep it”: We’re fairly sure that by that logic, getting back together with an ex is like the plot of Frankenweenie. It’s still cute but just really sad to see that poor puppy all stressed out and with bolts in his neck. 3.) “I’d rather be dissed for the bro that I am than brofisted for the bro that I am not.” - Kurt Brobain: To whomever first wrote that—this Brotip has exceeded the maximum acceptable “bro” quota. Prepare to be brofisted from broternity. 2.) If your life is all about getting hammered and screwing things, congrats. You’re a tool: But isn't that the bro-code?! If you're not getting hammered and screwing things, then you might lose your bro-badge, bro. 1.) Stop for a second and consider this: You can literally do whatever the fuck you want: Then why aren’t we eating a pizza with George Clooney while playing golf on the moon?

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Plan B Job Fair Scheduled

for Hopeless Students By: Winnie Bago As job fair season ramps up, the University of Illinois is announcing the first annual “Plan B Job Fair,” scheduled for May 16, 2014, the day before campus-wide commencement. The fair was created to reduce the end of the year rush at the Counseling Center, which has seen a major increase of students “looking for something, anything that pays,” in recent years. Students bombard counselors, worried about having to move back home with their parents and contemplating the last resort of becoming a super senior. Booths for all majors will be at the Plan B Job Fair, not limiting jobs to soon-to-be alumni who will actually contribute money to the university. The fair will be held outdoors, stretching from University Avenue to Florida Avenue, hoping to at least give all the graduating failures a chance at avoiding the fast food industry. Government employment opportunities that are scheduled to be at the fair include the National Governors’ Chauffeurs Union and human resource representatives from respective kitchen staffs of senators’ mansions. Staff positions available include butlers, dish washers, and a few anal bleachers.

customers the day of the job fair to pass out black ties with company pins on them. “The way to attract employees is with swag,” Tom Padwell, Geek Squad manager of the Prospect Avenue location said after emerging from his stylish, branded Volkswagen Beetle. “We see a lot of that around here and would definitely love to bring in some fresh meat.” Delivery driving services will fill the entire South Quad with their employment opportunities. While truck drivers will always be needed in capitalist America, local positions are also looking to be filled, especially by English and journalism majors. “If you can’t write for them, drive for them,” Laura Quill said. “Deliver newspapers. Transport transcripts between hopeful writers and editors. The difference between you and them? Your salary will allow for more in your diet than just rice and ramen.” MCAT season is just as stressful as students hope to land jobs in job fairs on campus during the fall, but some are just not cut out for being top medical personnel. Plan B Job Fair will show there are other options.

so many seemingly-always-injured athletes. “The National Mascot Association is always taking applications,” Tom Durmont, president of the association said. “You can live a double life, pick up ladies with your flips and tricks and then go home to your wife who can smell the sweat on you from wearing a mascot costume all day, proving you were actually at work.”

“You’ve got to work from the ground up,” Barb Enderson, public relations representative for John Boehner said. “No, literally. You’ll be on your knees for a while, but it’ll be worth it.”

“Become a professional test subject,” another anonymous source from McKinley suggested. “It’s not an official job title but between dermatology testing and plasma donations, you’ll put the bread on the table.”

For those who want to think outside the box and not conform to social norms, there is always entrepreneurship. There will be one booth set up for this, located at the top of the parking garage outside Allen Hall. All that will be on the table is a piece of paper and nothing else.

Computer Science majors listing their ambition to become the next Mark Zuckerberg or Edward Snowden on their resumes would be wise to stop by the Geek Squad tent. The nerds are taking a break from angry

Jocks often wonder what they will do after college when their bodies deteriorate and the beer catches up with them. Many turn to physical therapy to stay in the athletic arena, but only so many jobs can employ

“The sky is the limit,” Atish Doshi, entrepreneur said. “Make what you want of that piece of paper. Don’t want to take what the world has to offer? Well, you’re on your own then.”

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

ALL OCTOBER: $3 16oz Bud Light Cans $3 Captain & Cokes

Wednesday 10/9

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Thursday 10/10

Monday Night's Show BIG GIGANTIC with MINNESOTA and POSITIVE VIBR8IONS

Saturday Night Hits Party! HITS 99.7 Broadcasting Live! $3 Three Olives, $3 Jim Beam Video Mixing by DJ EX

FRIDAY A Cool Hand, $5, 10pm

ALEX WILEY with FRANK LEONE and CALEZ

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

JAMEY JOHNSON

DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!

Check out Big Dave's Trivia Night Every Sunday!

Friday 10/11

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

TODD SNIDER with THE COAL MEN

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys

A Cool Hand, $5, 10pm

Saturday 10/12

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

DJ DANCY PARTY

Saturday Night Hits Party! HITS 99.7 Broadcasting Live! $3 Three Olives, $3 Jim Beam Video Mixing by DJ EX

Roberta Sparrow, $5, 9:30pm

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

Sunday 10/13

Closed

CLOSED

Monday 10/14

Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers

BIG GIGANTIC with MINNESOTA and POSITIVE VIBR8IONS

$2 U CALL IT

Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks

Tuesday 10/15

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL with ELF POWER SOLD OUT

WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 10/16

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

KREWELLA with SEVEN LIONS and CANDYLAND SOLD OUT

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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DOWNTOWN WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: Florida-Georgia Line Concert - Official WIXY Pre-Party! Win Tickets to the Sold Out Show! 4:30pm-6:30pm 7pm Blackhawks vs Sabres

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

Wednesday 10/9

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Thursday 10/10

BEARS vs GIANTS 7pm Win Bears Tickets! HALF PRICE WHISKEY! $2 Evan Williams $3 Long Islands $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursdays at 10pm! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 10/11

Friday After Class! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jim Beam, $3 Three Olives Blackhawks vs Islanders 7pm

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID

$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Saturday 10/12

Florida-Georgia Line Concert Official WIXY Pre-Party! Win Tickets to the Sold Out Show! 4:30pm-6:30pm 7pm Blackhawks vs Sabres

Catch Every Game at Guido's!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday 10/13

$2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer...$2! Watch all the Games Here! Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel

NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday 10/14 Tuesday 10/15 Wednesday 10/16

Colts vs Chargers 7pm POP CULTURE TEAM TRIVIA at 10pm! Win Weekly Prizes & Compete for $500 at Finals!

$2 Long Islands, HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm, $3 Any Craft/Import Beer

TIME WARP TUESDAY! DJ EX Playing the best of the 90's $2 Wells, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 Bud Light Pitchers Hawks vs Hurricanes 6pm Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM BLACKHAWKS vs BLUES 7pm

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

MONDAY: DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

TUESDAY:

$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

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KAM'S $8 Beer Flights every Thursday - Saturday!

SATURDAY: Beer Garden Party! Wing Eating Contest! by Wingin Out! Chicago's DJ Danger Wayne

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Mug Night: Leinenkugel's Octoberfest $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 10/9

Mustache Night!

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

New Beer Garden is Open! SHACKER NIGHT! with DJ Christina Hong $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey $5 24oz UV Shackers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

Bartender Battle! 8pm - 2am Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 10/10

BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 Jager Bombs DJ Hish

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it

Friday 10/11

J-Kwon, Live! $5 at the Door w/ Student ID VIP Party: 21+, Includes Meet and Greet, Photo, Food, and Drinks $25 $1 Rolling Rock Drafts, $2 Jager Shots and Bombs, $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $4 Jim Beam & Stag

Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs

$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints $2.50 Bacardi Mixers $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles

Beer Garden Party! Wing Eating Contest! by Wingin Out! Chicago's DJ Danger Wayne

$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It

Saturday 10/12

SUNDAY FUNDAY! $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000

$1 U Call It

Sunday 10/13

Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 10/14

Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 10/15

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: Paulaner Oktoberfest $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Kruue presents.... Red Lion Charity DJ Battle 4 DJ's Spin Every Wednesday Weekly Winner Advances to the Finals to Win for themselves & their House!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 10/16

SATURDAY! J-Kwon, Live! $5 at the Door w/ Student ID VIP Party: 21+, Includes Meet and Greet, Photo, Food, and Drinks $25 Frattle of the Bands! 3-4 Bands Compete for $1,000 - WPGU Live Free Jimmy Johns, $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Vodka Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Stag Drinks Klub Kam’s! DJ INDUCE Bears Tailgate 3-7:30P, BEARS vs NY $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music!

Absolut Friday featuring Delicato at 10pm!

$4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots & Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Malibu Girls 11p-1a

Frattle of the Bands! 3-4 Bands Compete for $1,000 - WPGU Live Free Jimmy Johns, $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Pinnacle Vodka Blue Guys, $3 Jim Beam & Stag Drinks

THURSDAY: Mustache Night!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

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Around campus LICKING STUFF EDITION

We tweeted out a request to send us pictures of you licking something. and boy, are we glad we did.

on the Streets If you had to move one part of your body to another part of your body, what would you move and where? Lia, Junior

“Switch my fingers and my toes so I can feel the ground.”

r Danny, Junio

"My arm with my head. Because I can grab things with my head.”

ior Connor, Jun

“My fingers with my penis because I think it would be really funny to give someone a handshake.”

Bartenders of the Week

Jason of

The Clybourne

Relationship Status: Hungry Major: Political Science and Spanish Favorite Drink: Whiskey in hoc Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Pee What’s the best thing about fall at U of I?: Yoga pants What’s the worst thing about fall at U of I?: Delt barn dance What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: Periods If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Mushrooms What fictional hero would be a dick if he was real?: Santa, because he has slaves. In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: The Washington Monument What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: Micropenis What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: “Winter is coming.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: The interviewer was hot.

Drinking Game

Saige of

The Red Lion

Relationship Status: Nels Major: Advertising Favorite Drink: Red Lion shacker Favorite Shot: Red Lion Poop Girl Disgusting Drink: Blue Guy What’s the best thing about fall at U of I?: Getting drunk What’s the worst thing about fall at U of I?: Having to go to class when it's cold. What grammar error are you continually guilty of?: I'm not. If you had to eat five pounds of one item, what would you choose to eat?: Dick ... or Wingin’ Out. What fictional hero would be a dick if he was real?: Squidward In the far future when aliens discover earth, what modern object will they think is a sex toy that is not a sex toy?: Justin Bieber What’s the weirdest Wikipedia page you’ve ever read?: Helen Keller What message would you like to convey to your arch-enemy?: “Haters keep going.” Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Grace Haka

Recipe for disaster

Wrecking Ball

Chicago Barn StyleDance Taco The All-In-One

It’s the insane bastard child of a torrid affair between beer pong, flip cup, dizzy bat and Jenga. No, we’re not asking you to get naked and dance around like Miley. We’re just asking you to get drunk.

There’s too much planning that goes into barn dance, especially when it comes to the drinking situaThe Windy City deserves the nickname, what with Chicagoans bloviating endlesstion. Here’s your one-stop-shop solution that will get you and your date plenty drunk, provide a nice ly about what should go on a hotdog and what shouldn’t. Guys, it’s a meat casing snack and make your muscles bulge. chill out for a second. Still, they’re A-ok in our book for stuffed with raccoon assholes,

What You’ll Need: 42 Solo cups, 3 ping pong balls, 2 baseball bats and one perfectly flat table Number of Players: 6 Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between “lampshade over head” and “lampshade in bed.” How To Play: - Set the cups up like 21-cup beer pong, filling the cups with a reasonable amount of beer. - Split up into 2 teams and pair up with someone on the opposite team. - Decide who starts by shooting the balls like regular pong until someone makes a cup. - When a player makes a cup, he and his partner both grab a cup from their respective triangles. - These two players then play a 1-cup game of flip cup. - If the shooter’s partner wins, then both cups are returned to each teams’ triangle and refilled. - If the shooter wins, then his team refills their cup and returns it to their triangle. The partner’s team must stack their cup upside down on their side of the table to make a standing pyramid with a base of 6 cups. - If your stack falls at any point, you must rebuild it and everyone on your team takes a shot. - Continue to play in this fashion, rotating players until one team has a full standing pyramid.

- When the opponent’s stack is complete, the player on the winning team who made the last cup gets a chance to win the game. The player must grab one of the baseball bats and spin around 8 times, with his head on the bat and the other end of the bat on the floor. He then has 3 seconds to pick up a ping pong ball and throw it at the enemy stack. - If he knocks down 15 or more cups, then his team wins! - If he knocks down fewer than 15 cups from the stack, his team must all take a shot. - As soon as the shots are finished, another player on the team can begin spinning around the bat to try again. This process repeats until 15 or more cups have been knocked down. - In the event that fewer than 15 cups were knocked down on the first throw, the opposite team has an opportunity to catch up. They can run to the other side of the table, drink their opponents’ remaining cups, flip them, and stack them. They can start spinning on their own bat and then throwing at the other team’s stack.

The Game Ends When: One of the teams successfully knocks down their opponent’s stack, hopefully without hurling everywhere.

download our free app for all the games!

inspiring this gem.

What You’ll Need: Gallon of milk, 2-liter of Coke, fifth of cheap whiskey (Evan Williams or worse), protein chocolate, NOT bag of Chex Mix. Whatpowder You’ll (double Need: Taco shells, hotvanilla) dogs,and hotone peppers, sweet relish, chopped onCook Time: 3 minutes ions, pickle spears, a tomato, and mustard. Fatty Factor: No15 worries, you’re good. Cook Time: minutes

Fatty Factor: The Superfans weren’t exactly skinny.

Let’s Get Baked: Let’sthe Get Baked: - Pour gallon of milk down the drain. Preheat the oven tothe 200empty degrees. - Pour the whiskey into milk carton. Chop theuntil onions. -- Add Coke the gallon is nearly full, leaving about 1/8 of - Slice your tomato. the gallon empty. Once preheated, place the taco shells in the oven -- Add two scoops of protein powder. 7 minutes. -for Shake vigorously. Keep going ... a little more ... there you go. - Cook the 2 minutes. Oh shit, the you hotdogs should’vein put themicrowave cap on first,for sorry. Remove tacoMix shells, place -- Place bag the of Chex on the floor.one hot dog in each taco shell with a pickle spear on top. - Stomp on the bag repeatedly until it’s definitely broken up - Add additional toppings as needed. into a million pieces. -Seriously Pick up the bits of no Chex and add to the gallon. though, ketchup. - PUT THE CAP BACK ON and shake vigorously. - Enjoy the beverage that’s perfectly suited to take care of all your barn dance needs. We’re not really sure what the effects are of mixing alcohol and protein, but it probably isn’t good. So just be careful, please.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

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Booze Review Trader Vic’s Silver Rum Grade: D written by: Kitty Kat

Maybe we’re naïve or just don’t know how to mix a good drink, but we weren’t too happy with Trader Vic’s Silver Rum. It’s probably great in a mojito or another type of cocktail since it’s 80 proof, but we don’t really have the time, effort or money to pull off something like that. After all, we’re more for getting drunk quick than sitting back sipping. With that said, this isn’t a spiced rum, so mixing it with Coke is a bad idea, trust us. If you’re a classy person with a shaker and some limes around your apartment, maybe give this guy another shot in a more sophisticated beverage. Then send us a drink so we can try it ourselves. Thanks. One thing we do want to compliment is the bottle. It’s pretty cool—the logo, the fonts and all. At first glance, you think it says “Trader Joe’s” and you’re like, “Is this some sort of hippie organic rum?” But it’s not. It is slightly reminiscent of Elvis’ Blue Hawaii movie from 1961—or 2002’s Blue Crush for you less cultured people—and the tropical vibe is never a bad thing. Typical Drinkers: People in search of the perfect wave, lushes who don’t mind the sharp sting of rubbing alcohol in their drink, vegans who mistake the label for Trader Joe’s, and the people that wrote the lyrics to “The Tiki, Tiki, Tiki Room” for Disney.

User Comments: “This isn’t as good as Admiral Nelson.” “I don’t think this is safe to drink. It looks like bleach or something.” “Makes me wanna do the hula!” An Apt Anagram for “Trader Vic’s Rum”: Mac’s Turd River Best Described as a Song Lyric: “We were playing in the sun / We were having so much fun / On a white sandy beach of Hawaii” – “White Sandy Beach of Hawaii” by Iz Kamakawiwo’ole What Your Grandpa Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Where is this shit from, Hawaii? I was there when it was bombed by the damn Japanese.” If You Like This You’ll Like: Hearing the sound of the waves lapping softly against the shore on a warm afternoon, dipping your toes into the foam AND HOLY SHIT THERE’S A JELLYFISH OH MY GOD IT’S GOT ME. Food Pairing Suggestion: Slow roasted pig off the spit with a side of pineapple rice and a puke bucket. Worst Mixer: Coke Zero

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Pinterest Pushes Holiday Changes By: Sammie Sea Over the past few weeks, there has been much debate going back and forth within the U.S. Congress about an issue vital to the future of the American public. This issue has even bypassed pressing concerns about Obamacare, Homeland Security and the fact that they’re currently shut down. Congress has honed in their efforts on determining new holiday dates that will accurately represent trends found on the popular website, Pinterest. Pinterest advertises itself as “a tool for collecting and organizing things you love” and while the website is open to those of all genders and age groups, it appeals primarily to distracted twenty-something-year-olds and stay-at-home moms trying to “spice up” their home décor. “We like to show women what they should be interested in according to the norm of other Pinterest users,” stated Pinterest CEO, Ben Silbermann. “Our research team has found that women are more susceptible to follow such popular pins as they are more concerned with what other people think. It’s an efficient way to pressure our users into daily logins.” Pinterest is designed to follow yearly trends that tend to match up well with upcoming holidays and seasons in order to peak maximum interest in countless DIY projects, multiple ingredient recipes and overly complex entertaining ideas. However, this year it seems as though seasonal trends are appearing much earlier than expected. “This is the first time I’ve seen Christmas decorating ideas in October,” commented avid Pinterest user and mom, Rebecca McDonald. “I can't believe how far behind I am; my neighbor already has her perfectly decorated Christmas tree up! It’s truly embarrassing. I just came back from the pumpkin patch yesterday with my kids. Looks like I need to catch up.” Pinterest holiday trends have been creeping up more frequently and

earlier than ever before. This spike in online holiday marketing has many businesses perplexed on how to respond to the public’s demands. “I have at least fifty women coming in every day asking about buying Thanksgiving turkeys and holding toys for their kids until December,” stated local Walmart manager, Bill Richards. “Our inventory hasn’t even been organized for the holidays yet, causing a huge increase on backordered products.” In response to the overwhelming demands by the feminine public, several congressmen have presented the matter to the U.S. Congress in hopes of assuaging their requests on local businesses and retail corporations. “The law of supply and demand is something that our economy can't ignore,” commented Illinois representative Dick Durbin. “But I guess if the women are demanding it, we have to give it to them.” After much deliberation, Congress has concluded that changing holiday dates is the most efficient way to keep businesses on track with public trends, according to Pinterest users. The following is a list of all major holidays celebrated in the United States and the new dates on which they will be celebrated: January 3 – Valentine’s Day February 13 – Easter February 25 – Leap Day March 1 – St. Patrick’s Day March 23 – April Fool’s Day May 14 – Fourth of July May 17 – Cinco de Mayo June 25 – Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur August 11 – Halloween

September 29 – Thanksgiving October 20 – Christmas November 1 – Hanukkah/Kwanzaa November 2 – New Year’s Eve December 23 – Passover According to the federal government’s newly-enacted holiday dates, Halloween and Thanksgiving of this year will not be observed, as they have already passed. While the holiday dates make little-to-no sense and offensively disregard the calendars of prominent religious groups, the government said it stands by its decision as it is “for the good of the American people.”

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Continued from the cover “I walked around the whole day before the exam with a cup of sugar and a stick of butter in my back pocket in case he asked for the Vegan Cinnamon Roll Crumble Muffins,” explained sophomore Jackie Winston. “And guess what? He didn’t. He didn’t ask us anything from that stupid study packet.” When looking at the exam, the questions focused more on chemical structures of narcotics and heat transfer laws for thermodynamics, which possibly came from Needy’s time in the chemical plant. There were, however, absolutely no questions pertaining to the environment, like pollution or agriculture or energy sources, that students were promised in the university’s course description. Notably, there were also no questions related to vegan muffins. “It really pisses me off that the university allows professors like this to stick around,” Needy’s TA Paul Trousers complained. “No student should have to pay for this low-quality education, and I shouldn’t have to be involved in it as an assistant. Do you know how awkward it is for 50 students to come into office hours two days before the exam asking what they’re supposed to be studying? And then I just have to sit there and be like, ‘Hah, you know what guys? I have no fucking clue either.’ Needy is a total joke.” Dr. Needy, on the other hand, thought the questions he asked were “unbelievably fair.” “It’s all about synthesizing information. I expect them to be able to look at these lecture notes, put them into their own words and produce results on the midterm exam. And if they read the textbook like I told them to, they shouldn’t have had any problem at all,” Needy scoffed. The textbook — which cost $120 at Notes-n-Quotes — was the most interesting piece of material provided to the students by Dr. Needy. The first half of the 400-page textbook was a coloring book of epic proportions. The drawings - filled with pictures of humans dumping waste into rivers, planes crop dusting fields with pesticides and people mining - are the only thing that fit within the IB 108 Environmental Biology content. The second half of the book included about 20 headshots of Needy when he hoped to be a model for Biology Today and a draft of his acceptance speech if he were to ever receive the Nobel Prize. There was a 5-page Q&A between Dr. Needy and himself, which started of as an intellectual discussion about his achievements but finished with a softcore porn “Oh you like chemistry, don’t you?” dialogue. “You would think by my senior year I would have learned that buying textbooks is pointless, especially ones over $50. But I really needed the A so I figured I’d splurge just this one last time,” student Nathan Lit said. “Imagine how I felt after buying the book and flipping it open to see I just bought an insanely overpriced coloring book. And the shit at the end was beyond weird. But I mean, I read it all. I colored all of the pages. And guess what? I still failed that midterm. The vegan muffin recipe was pretty good, though.” With no curve on the midterm, Dr. Needy’s students averaged a stellar 40% on the exam. Needy was upset with this number and concerned that if his students “don’t learn the material now, they’re going to have a hard time with the final exam.” We’re told that the final isn’t actually a written test at all but a role-playing activity where students have to act out scenes from Needy’s favorite episodes of The Twilight Zone while wearing nothing but jean overalls and combat boots. The final day to drop a course is on October 18.

The Top 10

Awful, Unfunny Twitter Accounts Your Dumbass Friends Are Following (and How to End Your Friendships With Them)

Running a Twitter account is hard. Trying to come up with witty things to say and relevant jokes to make is not as easy as the handsome, well-endowed and talented folks at The Black Sheep make it look. However, despite the best intentions of those with actual senses of humor, Twitter is populated by a number of “comedy” and “parody” accounts that have an endless supply of followers. If your Twitter feed has ever become infested with terrible attempts at topical jokes, puns and memes, it means one of your friends has caught the Parody Plague, and it’s time to cut him loose. Here, we’ll detail some of the worst accounts on Twitter, accounts so bad that ending your friendship over them would be more than justified.

Read on to see the first five most obnoxious Twitter accounts!

Next Week: The crème-de-la-crème of crap: the top-five worst accounts on Twitter.

Dishonorable Mentions:

@TotalSratMove • @_DosEquisMan, @FauxJohnMadden • @The_HelenKeller, @ItsBadLuckBrian • @SenTedCruz

10. @chuck_facts

WORST of the WORST

9. @OhWonka

8. @WolfpackAlan

WORST of the WORST

WORST of the WORST Terminal, communicable disease-based humor is a surefire way to prove that you’re an insensitive asshole with the intellect of a poorly raised child. It is 2013. That means that Chuck Norris “jokes” have been around for eight years, and have not been funny for seven-anda-half of them. The entire premise is “Chuck Norris Does Absurd/ Impossible Thing” and that’s literally it. That’s the entire joke. It may be kind of worth a sly grin the first couple of times you hear one, but after the sixth time you hear that “Chuck Norris pushes the Earth down when he does pushups” you should make like the terrible Chuck Norris joke reference on Family Guy and punch that person in the face. This account is only ranked so low because it sticks to its principles and does not branch out, which is kind of the point of a parody account. However, it’s here because it’s terrible. How to End the Friendship: Tell him or her to “talk to the hand” and leave. Because that’s another totally modern and relevant insult that didn’t become oversaturated six months after you first heard it or anything.

When in doubt, homophobia is always a great substitute for actual wit and humor! Ugh, our first image macro-based account. Image macros exploded in the world of internet culture and into the mainstream sometime between 2009 and 2012. The world is a far, far worse place because of it. Any actual attempts at humor by particularly uncreative individuals can now be placed on a picture in Impact font, and scores upon scores of brainless morons will share it. It’s a real case study in just how low we’ve sunk as a society. The Condescending Wonka idea certainly isn’t the worst in theory, but in practice it proves that people don’t even care about the proper use of an image macro, as long as it has some generally relatable and unfunny bullshit spit onto it. Whoever runs this account has forgotten what condescension actually is (or, more likely, had no idea in the first place because they are a humorless shitsack) and replaced it with middle school-level insults towards a general audience. If you’re following this account, we hope you are filled with intense levels of self-hatred, because if not we’re more than willing to fill in the gaps for you. Gene Wilder deserves better than this. How to End the Friendship: Write, “Oh, you thought we were friends? Well then you followed this stupid fucking Twitter account and made me realize that you are unfunny and miserable” on a picture of Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. That should do it.

Gibberish and nonsense phrases are inherently funny because I’m so alternative and random, I should put this tweet next to my Invader Zim picture on my MySpace in 2006! The Hangover was kinda funny in 2009. It wasn’t the “funniest movie ever made” as some made it out to be, but it had plenty of solid moments. Of course, every minor cultural experience requires a Twitter “parody” account, and Zach Galifianakis’ Alan is no exception. Except this isn’t a parody account. In fact, does anybody on Twitter know what parody means anymore? This account tweets random recycled garbage that relates to either 15-year olds who aren’t popular in high school or those who are having their first experience with humor and are wholly incapable of judging the comedic merit of any one attempt to be funny. It’s the same stupidity that every parody account pumps-and-dumps and that their armies of brainless followers will retweet without second thought. It doesn’t even ATTEMPT to write in character or anything. It makes “topical” jokes about Justin Bieber and Twilight and “MIND = BLOWN” linkbait posts. That, plus the wonderful plethora of racism and slut shaming make this account wholly abhorrent. How to End the Friendship: Invite your friends over, and when they all come walking through the door, tell the offender “Not you, Fat Jesus” and slap them in the face.

7. @UberFacts/@WTFFacts, etc. If you have a great thirst for knowledge and the IQ of a gnat these accounts are perfect for you, as they not only make sure all of their facts are easy-to-digest exercises in stupidity, but they usually just make shit up. The word “fact” is used about as loosely as the word “parody” on Twitter, and these guys epitomize that. For every post that is actually a legitimate, reputable, provable piece of information, there are six that prove that sad lonely losers in the 11th grade are truly the greatest people on earth and that all the popular kids are secretly neo-Nazis who will eventually live in trailer parks. Notice a trend? Preying on stupid people and immature high school kids, and reposting the same stuff as everyone else on top of it, makes for a knockout Twitter account follower-wise, and a complete dearth of intellect and humor on your timeline. This account is a one-trick pony, except the pony is filled with shit and every time you try and ride it; it tries to give you a lobotomy. They may not be as bad in terms of attempts at humor as others on this list, but they have one thing few other terrible accounts do: they’re verified. Twitter found it within them to verify this pillar to the sheep-like nature and general stupidity of the average person. Incredible. How to End the Friendship: Just tell them that you read on Twitter that your friendship increases your likelihood of an early death, and that it has to be true because it’s on the internet.

Ah yes, subjective bullshit stats about high school pettiness. The ultimate fact if we’ve ever seen it.

6. @Lord_Voldemort7 Harry Potter is one of the most incredible cultural phenomena of all time. Between absurd book and movies sales, career-making roles for many of it actors, and the cult-like devotion of its most loyal followers, the story of The Boy Who Lived is one that has permeated our culture. A Twitter account pretending to roleplay as Tom Riddle himself was created to tweet about things that are completely unrelated to the Harry Potter universe, the next obvious step in a natural progression. If this account stuck to tweeting stupid shit about Harry Potter for people who cannot seem to escape their own childhoods that’s perfectly fine and inoffensive, but it recycles the same faux-relevant jokes everyone else does most of the time, and people retweet it because “OMG VOLDEMORT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RIHANNA,” because people are stupid. Over two million followers watch some idiot masquerading as a (dead) fictional character as he tries to relate to every special snowflake who thinks they’re the only person who “hates everyone.”

Ah yes, Justin Bieber and Chris Brown are the exact type of topics that The Dark Lord Voldemort would tweet about if he had a Twitter handle. Bonus abuse humor, because battering women is always funny!

If your obsession with Harry Potter has gotten to the point where your main source of humor must come from a Voldemort role-play account, you should probably find a hobby, because you’re a hyper-obsessive weirdo. The added terribleness of this dumpster fire of a Twitter account making references to Mean Girls, Twilight, The Hunger Games, and Nickelback take it from being awful and stupid and weird to a world-class atrocity. If you follow this account you deserve eternal suffering. How to End the Friendship: Kill their parents.

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

fashion Pieces ACROSS 3) The film Flashdance made them popular, two words. 5) Super ugly, comfortable shoes. 6) Zip-up or pullover, everyone owns a favorite one of these. 7) Decorative button to fasten the cuff of a dress shirt. 9) This one piece suit makes using the bathroom difficult. 10) Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the what? 11) These type of slip-on female shoes will make your feet sweat. 12) Terribly blends together two bottoms. 15) Girls wear them as pants all the time. 17) This trendy type of dress covers the whole body. 18) Working class men originated this fashion piece.

crossword

at the wedding, tossing it into the crowd. 4) Keeps your little hearing vessels warm. 8) Pleated, Scottish skirt. 13) Ashton Kutcher popularized this accessory in the 2000s, two words. 14) If you wear a top and bottom of this fabric, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re wearing a Canadian tuxedo. 16) Hippies wear this kind of jewelry, man.

DOWN 1) Popular trousers in the 60s and 70s, two words. 2) The husband will take this off his bridge

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madlib Even though it’s a ___1___ night, I’m al-

Going to a Birthday party

eryone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___ , everyone loves those! Maybe a little Pin the Tail on the ___11___ , maybe some helium balloons to get a little funny later. Ladies love my Since I’ve got a fake ID, I want to flaunt it. ___12___ voice impression. Damn, I love I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a that ___13___ so much. fifth of ___7___ just to keep people on their toes. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and I heard ___14___ is going to be there, and pick up a new striped button-up, and just that she can twerk better than ___15___ tell people it’s from ___9___ because ev- and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should ways down to party! Crush some ___2___, slam some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ ’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor who lives in ___5___ , and they are turning 21. Hell yeah! I love birthdays!

1: Weekday 2: Shitty Beer 3: Freshman dorm 4: Your roommate 5: Notorious party apartment

6: Flavor 7: Unusual liqueur 8: Grocery store 9: High-fashion designer 10: Cliche party favor 11: Animal

make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___ , some ___18___ , and ___19___ , the bitches love them. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to show the ladies that I’ve got pipes… all over the place, if you catch my drift. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___ on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

12: Cartoon character 13: Cartoon that #12 is from 14: Hot girl on campus 15: Young female celebrity 16: Old female celebrity 17: Terrible EDM artist

18: Classic hip-hop artist 19: Popular pop band 20: Classic karaoke song 21: Cartoon from #13 22: Drunk food

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