The Black Sheep
fr Oba ee...lik ma c a- e pre sc hav what ripti e fr do y on d ee p ou m rugs ain kil ean w unde ler e w r s? on’ t
Brought to you by
The Booze News
Vol. 23, Issue 8
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/9/13 - 10/16/13
Professor Literally Never covered anything on midterm Exam
BY: kitty kat Students in Doctor Needy’s Integrative Biology 105 lecture are a little peeved after finishing their recent midterm exam, claiming that Needy “literally never taught [them] any of this stuff.” Junior Kyle Barker seemed to be the most vocal about the situation. “I studied my ass off for this exam. I made flashcards, went to office hours, read textbook chapters; I turned into a complete nerd this week trying to make sure I knew everything on this test. I did everything you’re normally supposed to do for a class, and then he throws this shit at us? It’s not fair!” Dr. Needy, an Illinois alum, graduated with honors in chemical and biomolecular engineering, completing his doctorate degree in a record five years. This year he returned to campus after accidentally setting a chemical plant on fire during the lunch break of his first real job. He realized that his skills would be much more relevant in a classroom setting, and the University welcomed him back as a professor with open arms.
today, Needy relies on the old-fashioned overhead projector and chalkboard to convey information to his lecture of over 200 students. “Today’s technology of computers and Internet are great when it comes to teaching ... I guess,” Needy said, rolling his eyes. “But they’re not nearly as grabbing and moving as the handwritten word. That’s also why I don’t allow students to take notes on computers in my classroom. Everything must be written in notebooks in my class. The only time I use technology in the classroom is when I turn on the overhead projector. And I only do that if I can’t find a decent piece of chalk on the board ledge.” Flipping through the material, it was clear that the information Dr. Needy had been teaching the students was way beyond 100-level course material. There were pages upon pages of chemical equations and elaborate sketches of mountains and forests that students were expected to copy down during the 50-minute lecture.
“The education I received from the University of Illinois is absolutely outstanding. I will never be able to give back to them everything they have given to me. Instead, I hope to share my knowledge and love for chemistry and biology with every student I can,” Needy oozed.
Since the first day of class, students have been annoyed by Dr. Needy’s outdated teaching techniques but continued to stay in the class, thinking it would be an easy A and a quick fill for a gen-ed requirement. After taking last week’s midterms, however, many students are angry they stuck around for so long.
class is about environmental biology, but our last five questions on the exam were all about what academic awards Needy has earned since he graduated from U of I and how close he was to winning a Nobel Prize. How is that supposed to help me with anything?”
Needy showed us the lecture material he provided up until the midterm exam. Instead of using PowerPoint or Keynote slides like many college professors
“Literally none of the questions pertained to anything in or notes or on the study guide he made for us,” senior Pauline Peabody complained. “This
We were able to get a copy of both Doctor Needy’s so-called study guide and test to see if they truly were unrelated, or if students were being ridicu-
lous. It was surprising when we saw, in fact, that the study guide was merely a packet of papers about Needy himself, including a print copy of his resume, Rate My Professor ratings (that had obviously been censored and reworded to his benefit) and three recipes for his favorite vegan muffins. Students were expected to memorize the material in its entirety and be able to produce one of the muffin types at a moment’s notice. continued on page 19
page 5
page 8
page 10
Sorority Girl Sprains Ankle at Barn Dance
Pledge Cannot Believe He Was Lied to During Rush
Plan B Job Fair Scheduled for Hopeless Students
Eyewitness reports fail to lead to one source of the injury.
Faces the pain that he IS actually going to be hazed.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com
Calling all useless majors! You still have a chance!