The Black Sheep
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The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 22, Issue 8 • 3/6/13 - 3/13/13
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Family Suffers from PTSD after Unofficial College Visit tex mex wrote this
In the wake of last weekend’s Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day festivities, three members of a suburban family of four are currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. The trio is seeking intensive counseling after their daughter’s first college visit to U of I. Despite the university’s warnings and the fact that all daily visits were canceled during the weekend, the Esquire family decided to take a tour on their own accord last Friday. The Black Sheep had the chance to sit down and chat with the father, Jonathan Esquire, on their experiences involving the mental and emotional toll Unofficial has taken on them, as well as his plans for his daughter Cindy. “It…It was like a nightmare that you couldn’t wake up from,” stammered Mr. Esquire, his hand trembling as he chain smoked, “a hellish, green nightmare of stale alcohol, overly-friendly college students, and men dressed as leprechauns.” Mr. Esquire’s eyes were bloodshot, blue-bagged from the consistent thousand-yardstare commonly associated with World War veterans. He didn’t seem to blink once during the conversation. “The University of Illinois’ rampant destruction of all things holy and academicallysound has destroyed our family, reverting my wife back to her… "college" state-of-mind, and tarnishing our toddler’s limited vocabulary with frat-boy nonsense language.” When asked about the whereabouts of Cindy, Mr. Esquire stated that she was immediately sent to a secluded convent well-hidden in the Himalayas to cleanse her tainted soul. In the interview room also sat Clara Esquire and little Tommy Esquire, the former dressed in a pink and black tracksuit with a face caked with several layers of makeup, and the latter shouting out phrases like “chill,” “rip this bong,” and “there’s an exchange tonight with Tri Delts.” “Honestly, I thought it was one of the best experiences of my life,” sputtered Mrs. Esquire as she obnoxiously chewed on her bubble gum. “When you reach middle age, you start to wonder what it would be like to go back to college where guys would be all over you left and right at the bars, on the streets, or even at the library. Some kind and considerate frat brother complimented my figure, saying he would have loved to ‘give [me] the D with an ass like that.’ I have no idea what a ‘D’ is, but it gave me the idea that maybe I’m not as old as I think I am.” Mrs. Esquire continued to drone on about getting her girlfriends together for Mom's Weekend to prowl the bars, her being only “20-something,” and how she needed to
Advantages of the Two-Week Notice
invest in more yoga pants. When asked if she was still intoxicated from the weekend or just swaying uncomfortably for no particular reason, she responded, “Yes.” During Mrs. Esquire’s largely incoherent rambling, young Tommy continued giggling as he spat out more college phrases. Almost all of his sentences began with “bro” and ended with combinations of three Greek letters. Every time the four-year-old asked his father to “bum him a square” or if he “got any pussy” last night, Mr. Esquire would break out in tears and sprits Tommy with a spray bottle of holy water until he stopped his incessant giggling.
what'’s inside
Mr. Esquire repeatedly scratched at his thinning scalp lost after every stroke, while his wife reapplied her foundation and adjusted her cleavage-friendly bra, all while talking on the phone with the “nice young man” that she met at Firehaus the other night. From time to time, the morbidly distressed father would bring up repressed images that continued to plague his mind. These purportedly ghastly images ranged from witnessing several students skipping their Friday discussion classes to students talking about how they planned on drinking on Saturday in addition to Friday. Mr. Esquire paraphrased his thoughts on the lack of academic integrity as “the most deplorable homicide committed to the human mind since Prohibition was abolished.”
continued on page 19
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