Illinois - Issue 8 - 3/7/2013 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 22, Issue 8 • 3/6/13 - 3/13/13

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Family Suffers from PTSD after Unofficial College Visit tex mex wrote this

In the wake of last weekend’s Unofficial St. Patrick’s Day festivities, three members of a suburban family of four are currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. The trio is seeking intensive counseling after their daughter’s first college visit to U of I. Despite the university’s warnings and the fact that all daily visits were canceled during the weekend, the Esquire family decided to take a tour on their own accord last Friday. The Black Sheep had the chance to sit down and chat with the father, Jonathan Esquire, on their experiences involving the mental and emotional toll Unofficial has taken on them, as well as his plans for his daughter Cindy. “It…It was like a nightmare that you couldn’t wake up from,” stammered Mr. Esquire, his hand trembling as he chain smoked, “a hellish, green nightmare of stale alcohol, overly-friendly college students, and men dressed as leprechauns.” Mr. Esquire’s eyes were bloodshot, blue-bagged from the consistent thousand-yardstare commonly associated with World War veterans. He didn’t seem to blink once during the conversation. “The University of Illinois’ rampant destruction of all things holy and academicallysound has destroyed our family, reverting my wife back to her… "college" state-of-mind, and tarnishing our toddler’s limited vocabulary with frat-boy nonsense language.” When asked about the whereabouts of Cindy, Mr. Esquire stated that she was immediately sent to a secluded convent well-hidden in the Himalayas to cleanse her tainted soul. In the interview room also sat Clara Esquire and little Tommy Esquire, the former dressed in a pink and black tracksuit with a face caked with several layers of makeup, and the latter shouting out phrases like “chill,” “rip this bong,” and “there’s an exchange tonight with Tri Delts.” “Honestly, I thought it was one of the best experiences of my life,” sputtered Mrs. Esquire as she obnoxiously chewed on her bubble gum. “When you reach middle age, you start to wonder what it would be like to go back to college where guys would be all over you left and right at the bars, on the streets, or even at the library. Some kind and considerate frat brother complimented my figure, saying he would have loved to ‘give [me] the D with an ass like that.’ I have no idea what a ‘D’ is, but it gave me the idea that maybe I’m not as old as I think I am.” Mrs. Esquire continued to drone on about getting her girlfriends together for Mom's Weekend to prowl the bars, her being only “20-something,” and how she needed to

Advantages of the Two-Week Notice

invest in more yoga pants. When asked if she was still intoxicated from the weekend or just swaying uncomfortably for no particular reason, she responded, “Yes.” During Mrs. Esquire’s largely incoherent rambling, young Tommy continued giggling as he spat out more college phrases. Almost all of his sentences began with “bro” and ended with combinations of three Greek letters. Every time the four-year-old asked his father to “bum him a square” or if he “got any pussy” last night, Mr. Esquire would break out in tears and sprits Tommy with a spray bottle of holy water until he stopped his incessant giggling.

what'’s inside

Mr. Esquire repeatedly scratched at his thinning scalp lost after every stroke, while his wife reapplied her foundation and adjusted her cleavage-friendly bra, all while talking on the phone with the “nice young man” that she met at Firehaus the other night. From time to time, the morbidly distressed father would bring up repressed images that continued to plague his mind. These purportedly ghastly images ranged from witnessing several students skipping their Friday discussion classes to students talking about how they planned on drinking on Saturday in addition to Friday. Mr. Esquire paraphrased his thoughts on the lack of academic integrity as “the most deplorable homicide committed to the human mind since Prohibition was abolished.”

continued on page 19

Not-So-Typical Spring Break Plans

Top 10: Reasons We Should Help Save Girls Gone Wild

Leaving your job isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Because your bank account and PCB just don't mix.

Don't let America's favorite enterprise go broke.

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 6: Kid Next Door With Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour

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And he's like, so totally talented.

page 7: How to Get That Spring Break Body (for Procrastinators) A three-pronged attack to look your best.

page 8: Student Athletes: Competing for Control of Westeros A Game of Thrones approach to Illini athletics.

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page 9: Local Marijuana Farmers Advocate for Daylight Saving Time The Dope Growers of America Union take a stand.

page 10: The Drug Trade: Exchange Rate for Recreational Consumption

Table of

Useful when you have a lot of Xanax and molly lying around.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week: Mike W. and Sam Z. Fatal 4-ways and Taco Bell are the way to their hearts.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part V Things keep getting worse for Jerry Norman.

pages 20-21: The Mike's Hard Taste Test They pretty much all taste like puke.

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

page 18 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Pic

of the

Week!

Dear Mike, So we are quickly approaching the middle of the semester, and I still have not found a place to live next year. Most people have this figured out by September, but I have yet to make a single phone call or email and it is already March. Do you have any advice? Sincerely, Homeless Dear Homeless, Fist off let me say that I completely understand where you’re coming from. Laziness is something that cannot be helped and is something productive people simply cannot understand. Personally, I still have yet to put sheets on my mattress since I moved in this semester (true). I also have a friend who has only done laundry once this semester so far (also true). The point is, don’t be ashamed at the laziness of waiting until the last minute to find a house. Much like anything in this world, there are a million ways to do it as long as you forgo dignity or adherence to the laws of men. If next semester rolls around and you still haven’t found a place to live, follow the age-old method of squatting. Find somebody who is as equally lazy as you are and move into their house without asking. It is important here that you act like there is nothing unusual about what you are doing. If he asks you what you are doing, or if he tells you to leave, just say that you aren’t going anywhere so he might as well call the cops and get a lawyer. If he is half as lazy as some of the people I have met on this campus, he’ll probably just turn a blind eye and continue watching the Hawks game. Good luck! Mike

Sexy Anagrams

"Hay, the first beer on Unofficial tends to be a little hoarse." (Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Ethics Syringe

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

BIRCH SWORN last week’s answers

word of the week Civiliesed:

A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.

Kellie Pickler & Simon Cowell

“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”

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Advantages of the Two-Week Notice

jobless wrote this

Jobs help. They give extra spending cash for booze, illicit drugs and maybe groceries if one feels like eating meals that are healthier than ramen (it’s not a good source of protein when the meat comes in powder form). Sadly, jobs take away a valuable commodity known as time, which could be used ingesting the alcohol and narcotics along with sexing the various undergrads around campus. So when work begins to take over one’s drunken sex time, it’s time for that glorious moment when one puts in a two-week notice. The two-week notice is a curtsey an employee gives to the person who will soon no longer be paying them, so they can hire and train another unsuspecting person to put up with their bullshit. So while the employer interviews and weeds out the various degenerates who are more likely to steal from them than make their business profit, enjoy the powerful vacation that is the two-week notice. For starters, the two-week notice allows the quitter to choose the days he or she wants to work. Let the bossy boy know ahead of time that you are just not showing up on certain days because of other totally avoidable conflicts. They realize those conflicts involve getting shitface wasted at The Red Lion or shacking at the new Ikenberry dorms (there is just so much more space for sexual activities!), but it’s not like they can tell you to come in or you’re fired. You‘re out of there in a week by this point, so firing you would actually put them in more of a bind. Unfortunately, you will have to show up for the days that you say you can. It’s a burden, but money is nice and in a few days you'll be jobless so the “savings” you have will disappear faster than Tom Sizemore’s career. But don’t let these days ruin possible drinking extravaganzas. If football block is in the morning and there is a work shift in the afternoon, make sure to go to both. Sinking into a hangover at work won’t be the most fun, but by this point you've probably learned how to work the system in such a way where a quick shot or two will keep the buzz going and hold off the hangover until after your shift. And if you happen to work at an establishment that doesn’t sell alcohol, how has it taken you this long to quit?

’ N I K A E R F D N E K E E WHAVE US SOME FUN!

Your boss will also come to realize that they can no longer give you the shit they used to. When “the bus was late” excuse is used several times in a row, they’ll just have to deal with it. Their ideology of yelling and scaring staffers, will no longer work. If anything, now you’re in the power seat to give them a little attitude yourself. Drop a few f-bombs or argue over pointless things, like not refilling the drink station or modifying your punch card by a half hour. Stealing is never appropriate, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a really fun time. Try snagging a few extra dollars from the register before closing or sneak out the back with a whole tray of food. By the time they realize it, you’ll be long gone and there would be no reason to come back after you for it. Let’s be honest, an undergrad job doesn’t require that much training. It’s why waiters generally don’t put it on a resume unless they are applying to become a waiter somewhere else. Sure, you can dismantle and reassemble the soda machine in the precision that James Bond can handle his Walther PPK, but in the outside world it’ll get you jack squat. Quitting this job and committing a crime isn’t really going to be a detrimental decision later on in life. Please email The Black Sheep staff if you have found a reasonable employer who understands basic human needs and does not make their employees feel insignificant every time they are in their presence. We love our jobs as writers, but it doesn’t pay and we have a deepening alcoholism plus a few bastard children to support.

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Kid Next Door with Ukulele to Go on Open-Mic Night Tour Sean Neumann wrote this URBANA, IL—Freshman Brandon Lewis announced Sunday night via Tumblr.com that he’s taking his musical talents on tour this spring semester.

“Sometimes you just look at a tree and just see the beauty of the heart and love and the sun and stuff, you know?” Lewis mentioned, as he tuned his ukulele.

Lewis’ solo project, Never Shout Neighbor, will debut next Thursday at Allen Hall’s Coffee House. The popular monthly open-mic night has produced countless legendary performances, such as Linda-Ann Plath’s dramatic, poetic reading of the ingredients for vegan lasagna, and local favorite The Bowties’ acoustic cover of YouTube Profile xXMaggiexXxMayhemXx’s cover of Fall Out Boy’s cover of Michael Jackson’s song “Beat It.”

When asked about tour, Lewis said much planning went into the process. “I emailed so many managers at coffee shops and like, had friends show them links and stuff. It’s tough to get, but I’m headlining a lot of nights, so it’s obviously a huge breakthrough for me.”

“Never Shout Neighbor started out in high school,” Lewis said. “I have like, so many videos of me playing my songs on YouTube that have over like, one-hundred views and stuff.” After releasing his E.P. Broken Hearts & Broken Strings exclusively on his Tumblr.com blog last month, Lewis has seen an increase in followers on the popular social site. “Yeah, I mean, like, I’ve gotten so many new followers over the past month. I totally got like, two in one hour once. It was great.” Despite his recent Internet success, social media hasn’t always been kind to the Ukulele star. On his YouTube page, Lewis has faced numerous counts of “trolling.” On August 21, 2011, EagleBaller54 wrote, “Yo bitch grow sum balls lol.” “Whatever, I always knew I had what it took to become a YouTube star, but like, no one ever gave me the chance…” Lewis said, holding back some tears. “My mom always believed in me though. She knew I could do it.” As a photography major at the University of Illinois, Lewis has found much lyrical inspiration in nature while out shooting for projects.

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“The lyrics in his songs really reflect his personality,” friend Ally Benson admitted. “Like, the one line he sings about the girl he likes in that new song, ‘Sentimental Heart.’ It really speaks a lot about his original and authentic character. Nobody has emotions quite like him.” “What this kid really brings to the table is his quirky attitude and appearance,” Haley Cox, a totally credible twelve-year-old music critic, said on her blog. “The way he wears his bowties and suspenders really makes the music all the more better. Like a more hipster member of One Direction.” Lewis, often seen wearing fancy clothing and the occasional fedora, says that his choice of clothing style is “just like, a representation of the seriousness of reaching [his] goals as a musician. Also, it’s just so totally cool to do.”

heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” from his new single “These Tears Are For You,” Brandon “Taylor Swift” Lewis reaches more than just the ears of the grade-school girls listening, but also touches their immature, inexperienced hearts.

Receiving much acclaim for his spirited live performances, Lewis is excited to take his music down the road (about a block or two). “Live performances are where I really come alive,” claimed the youthful little shit. “Sometimes I shoot a wink at a pretty girl and dedicate a song to her. It’s a real treat for them.”

Never Shout Neighbor will play three dates next month, starting at Allen Hall’s Coffee House, playing a 3 p.m. Monday afternoon show in the Union’s Courtyard Cafe, then concluding his debut tour by performing outside of Davenport Hall on the Main Quad.

The four-chord musician says he plans to play all six of his new songs about his only ex-girlfriend every night. “She broke my heart, but I’ll pick up the pieces one day,” Lewis said. With lines like, “You broke my

When asked about Lewis’ music, his roommate Mark Hatteson simply said, “Jesus Christ.” When asked about Lewis’ plan to take his music on a campus wide open-mic night tour, Hatteson followed up, saying, “My god.”

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How to Get That Spring Break Body (for Procrastinators) John McHoneyCombs wrote this

It seems like just yesterday it was New Years and you were committed to eating nothing but celery sticks and yogurt until March. Well, it’s now the first week of March, and your celery sticks and yogurt have become breadsticks and Busch Light. There’s very little time left to trade in that beer gut for the six pack you should’ve been working toward for months now. Don’t fear, you are a hard-partying, hard-drinking student at the University of Illinois; procrastination is in your DNA. You’ve whipped up bullshit papers under more duress. Follow a few of these tips and you’ll have everyone in awe of your body when you’re chilling on the beach… if you don’t die first. Diet: So you don’t like healthy food? Good, because you’re not going to be eating food at all! This is how crash diets work—you just want to lose a lot of weight quickly by tricking your body into starvation mode. How better to do that than by actually starving? From now on you will eat nothing but plain tortillas and One-A-Day vitamins, while drinking nothing but Five Hour Energy. Don’t let that newly-opened Wendy’s tempt you into her delicious ginger lair. This diet should just keep you teetering on the brink between hotness and death, and who’s to say which one is more attractive? Spend at least three hours in the sun each day to absorb some basic vitamins to keep you from developing rickets (this will also give you a nice base layer tan). Try not to wear any heavy clothing as you’ll find even the smallest weight will send your tiny, skeletal frame crashing to the ground. If you find yourself unable to abide by the diet then just stab yourself with something rusty to develop lockjaw. That’ll keep all that fatty food out. Exercise: If your diet has been working, you should be in a zombie-like state. This is the desired effect as you won’t want to feel anything or think rationally for your work outs. Obviously you want to get in

your cardio by running and biking and all that stuff, but that will only take up two hours of your day at most. When you drive your car, fashion yourself a little suit made from a black garbage bag and crank that heat. If you feel like you can’t keep up with that method then don’t worry, you’ll be given a quick shot of adrenaline when you come to, just in time to swerve out of the way of oncoming traffic. Opt to stand in class instead of sitting down, and if you find yourself starting to slouch or get lazy, just hold your breath and lock your knees. This’ll insure you get a quick break to compose yourself after you lose consciousness. Another great idea is purging. Since you’ll most likely be cheating on your diet, get your throat muscles involved to heave out everything that you shouldn’t have eaten. It does wonders on the upper body. Drugs and Disease: Celebrities know better than anyone that the quickest way to drop some weight is to start doing drugs. Start smoking cigarettes if you want to curb your appetite and start smoking crack if you want to get rid of it altogether. If your hunger pangs are keeping you up, then right before you go to bed just shoot up some heroin, and before you know it you’ll be fast asleep. Giving yourself a curable disease that can also help you lose weight is a traditional method of dropping a few pounds. Malaria is a great disease to ensure you’ll be constantly voiding your body of all that excess gunk like food and stomach acid. With modern quinine medicine you’ll be out of bed and moving again in no time, just don’t plan on donating blood anytime soon. With these few tips you’ll be looking great on the beach this Spring Break and be the envy of all your friends. Keep in mind that at The Black Sheep we have a highly trained staff of health professionals who say all of these things are A-OK.

Not-So-Typical Spring Break Plans kitty kat wrote this There is a direct correlation between Greek life and spring break plans. If you’re a part of a fraternity or sorority, you’re more likely to have some kick-ass vacation lined up with ‘roundthe-clock Mai Tais and wet t-shirt contests. If you’re a GDI living north of the Engineering Quad, have fun spending a week at your grandma’s retirement home, changing her bedpan and feeding her expired yogurt. But with spring break only a few days away, everyone is scrambling to set up a trip that won’t totally suck, Greek kid or not. If you’re short on cash and a strong social life, there are still some alternative break plans (no, not those dumb Habitat for Humanity trips) that will make your week off a little bit more enjoyable. Some rich kids get a plane ticket to Europe for a “just because” gift. Chances are your parents won’t be shelling out a few thousand dollars to send you to another country for a week, but you can still do some exploring. Grab a friend and your mom’s minivan and take a road trip across the great state that is Illinois. Backpacking is always an option as well for you hardcore kids. Make your way down to Springfield and rub Lincoln’s nose for good luck on upcoming finals. Head north to Gurnee and sneak into Six Flags. Now you won’t have to wait in any lines! And of course, take a trip to Chicago and adventure through the city. Head to Lou Malnati’s for some classic Chicago deep-dish pizza. If you’re feeling ambitious, take a swim in Lake Michigan. We’ve heard it’s freezing, but not full of bacteria this time of year! If traveling isn’t your thing, maybe you’d like to be a sedentary secret agent instead. Tell your parents you can’t make it home this break because you’re staying on campus for some extra credit volunteer projects. But really you’ll be going home with your boyfriend or girlfriend and sleeping in his or her basement

for the week. The catch: You can’t get caught by the rest of the family. It’s a less murderous version of The Most Dangerous Game with a lot more discrete sex, which makes it so much more fun. Have your girl sneak sandwiches downstairs to you while you hide in her family’s crawlspace. To make it up to you, she can flash you real quick before heading back up to her room. It might not be the most exciting option, but at least you won’t have to go more than week without getting it in. If you’re good at keeping a straight face and lying your ass off, you can continue doing that over spring break. Indulge in a tanning package and brown yourself more golden than a burnt DiGiorno pizza crust. Tell your friends when you get back to school that you spent the week somewhere really exotic, like Fiji or Bora Bora. It wouldn’t hurt to pick up some sort of accent either. Just completely remodel yourself to give the impression you did something sick over break. Order some designer European clothes or Photoshop yourself in front of some major world landmarks. These should work as great pickup lines later on. A fourth option is to just stay in Champaign. Better yet, don’t leave your apartment. Think of all the things you could accomplish when you’re confined to such a small space. Maybe a little spring cleaning? A complete reorganization of the silverware drawer? Patch up those holes your friends left in your wall on Unofficial? You can make your own food or just have it delivered every day. You know the weather is still going to be shitty and cold, so it’s not like you’ll actually want to step outside anyway. A typical spring break trip includes hooking up and oodles of alcoholic beverages. Since this just isn’t going to happen for

you, the usual boobs and booze will have to be modified a bit. Head to the shadiest parts of Chicago or the famous big city in whatever state you’re from and do a strip club crawl… for a whole week straight. You’re guaranteed to get herpes by the end of it, and you’ll be able to put on your resume that you were a frequent donor to less privileged families. But boobs are boobs right? You gotta admit that this suggestion is a little bit tempting. Spring break doesn’t have to be a total boner killer, and you don’t have to travel to sunny Miami or drug-infested Mexico to have a good time (surprisingly). Sure, we know these options aren’t the greatest or most glamorous, but remember the retirement home reference made earlier? Yeah, you sure as hell don’t want to end up there, do you?

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Student Athletes: Competing for Control of Westeros Reindeer Games wrote this Cersei Lannister once said, “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die; there is no middle ground.” This is the cutthroat nature of sporting events at the University of Illinois. A recent article in a different local publication called these athletes the kings and queens of campus, but we’re more inclined to say that many of them are simply lords and ladies, in fealty to more powerful, greater houses. With the new Game of Thrones season right around the corner, a parallel can be drawn -- albeit a parallel with less tits -- between the struggle of the nobility of Westeros and the nobility of Champaign who have recently had their right to reign questioned. Last season in Game of Thrones several different lords were vying for control of the kingdom. These houses can be compared to the athletic teams and their desire to be the most powerful squad on campus. The football team is House Targaryen. Former ruler of the seven kingdoms of Westeros, House Targaryen was extremely powerful until they had the Mad King go so crazy that the rest of the kingdom said, “Fuck this shit,” and revolted. Mad King Ron Zook decimated our football team with that same batshit attitude. Once the team became bowl eligible two seasons ago, the Mad King did everything in his power to destroy any chances of Illinois ever being taken seriously as a football team, leaving us with Tim “Viserys” Beckman in his wake. God, wanna-be heads-of-state with white hair? Could the parallel be any stronger? At least House Targaryen has the naked chick with white hair and dragons; what’s the upside of the football team? House Lannister is just like the Illini basketball team. They are in power, but how stable are they? The Lannisters have some great intelligence in their father, the gay midget from Death at a Funeral, and Jaime, a great sword fighter with phenomenal hair. But that’s where their power ends. They have a dumbass former queen that fucked her brother and popped out the little evil shit king that ev-

eryone hates. The basketball team was ranked for a while, then lost key games, then played awesome, and then lost again. Is this team really good but just plays some shitty games? Or are they really bad and just have a few amazing games? No one knows how long they can stay on top. Hopefully they aren’t all fucking each other like the Lannisters, though that might boost team morale. House Stark is the hockey team. Strongly defiant and weird people who like the cold, both the Starks and the Illini Hockey team have never sought to rule the kingdom as their own. No longer willing to stand the injustices brought upon them, however, the Starks have sought to form a separate kingdom in the North. The hockey team has been similarly defiant by winning… and winning a lot. With a current record of 25-11-2, the Illini are making a strong case that they deserve to have a Division I program at the University of Illinois. More and more students are supporting these so-called Kings in the North as the hockey team grows more powerful. House Baratheon is comparable to the baseball team. Similarly, Stannis Baratheon has legions of followers, but that’s just because they don’t have anything better to do. Everyone likes baseball, as it is America’s pastime. However, other sports come around and people just lose interest. No one wants to sit outside in the cold for four hours watching only three interesting things happen the entire time. Plus, baseball players are weirdly superstitious when it comes to washing jock straps and socks, which ties into the weird cult practices of Stannis and whatever the hell that redheaded witch lady shot out of her vagina. While they may have the support, are the Baratheons or the baseball team really poised to take over the throne?

as the Greyjoys though and thus don’t receive as much hate. Theon’s a whiney pussy anyway.

House Greyjoy is the rugby team. Off in their own world and strangely violent, the ruggers pay the “iron price” and take what they want. The ruggers aren’t really as much of massive dickheads

With winter coming this month, we have a lot to look forward to with Game of Thrones... and out sports. Hopefully they don't end in dissapointment like ALWAYS.

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The

Top 10

page 9

Reasons We Should Help Save Girls Gone Wild

On February 27 everyone’s favorite video series, Girls Gone Wild, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, meaning they’re still allowed to operate while working out their debt. But if this goes on for too long, they could be gone altogether! We’re calling all concerned citizens together to help keep this American tradition alive. 10.) We Won’t Remember What We Did at Mardi Gras: There are always stories of someone’s older sister appearing on an edition of GGW, to her pleasant surprise. The series serves as a glimpse into a person’s blackout when they, for the life of them, just can’t remember what they did all day. Here’s their friendly reminder. No more questions and no more worrying. 9.) The Feminists Will Have Won: This is exactly the kind of thing that these Feminazis have been waiting for, and we can’t let them have that moment. Ladies, the Girls Gone Wild series motivates you to work out more… and save up for breast implants in the future.

Local Marijuana Farmers

Advocate for Daylight Saving Time benny boy wrote this This Sunday, March 11, the clocks will be set forward one hour in adherence to Daylight Saving Time. This practice, now arguably outdated, was implemented by the United States in 1918 as a way to give farmers an extra hour to work in their fields during the summertime. In this day and age, however, many have criticized the usefulness of this practice and argue for its removal, which would reduce the confusion and stress sometimes associated with the time change. With the time for clock changing coming once again, the debate has re-opened among the people of Champaign and its government. While the majority of Champaign citizens do not see the need for Daylight Saving Time to continue, local Dope Growers of America Union (DGAU) have voiced their support of the practice, as seen in the group's official press statement about the practice written by Union Leader Sage.

“The main problem with growing dope for a living is the sheer amount of red tape,” DGAU member Damien Greene said at a rally last week. “Truthfully, there are methods people could use to grow pot indoors, but due to tax reasons the purchasing of such equipment is not feasible.” Damien then went on to clarify that he did not grow marijuana himself but was simply supporting an oppressed minority. “I don’t grow pot personally, but somebody needs to act as a leader for these people who have almost no legal or political representation,” DGAU leader Sage said in an interview. “Like, if I were to grow some marijuana, say, on a roof where it couldn’t be seen from the street, and I depended on the selling of that plant to provide for myself, I should be able to have that extra hour to develop all of my plants. I would need that extra hour to grow 20 King Kush, 50 Purple Nurp and 25 Blue Dream plants. That’s a lot of dope, and I need the power of the mother sun to get it all done,” Sage said. “I also think that it’s sad that nobody helps these people simply because it doesn’t benefit them.”

8.) Natural Disaster Victims Will Receive Less Money: Back in the days of Hurricane Katrina, Girls Gone Wild donated all of their proceeds from Mardi Gras DVDs and videos to the Red Cross to help storm victims. We need generous companies like that around for the rest of time, because who knows what kind of crazy, nuclear shit is going to go down over the next few years. 7.) Spring Break Will Be Less Fun: Frat bros go on spring break trips for one reason and one reason only: boobs. Not drinking. They can stay at home, skip class and do that all day, every day. It’s much harder, however, to get a girl to take her top off at a frat party without her calling him a perv and storming off with her equally drunk and angry friends. What’s the motivation for a girl to take her top off on spring break if she doesn’t get her 15 minutes of fame? 6.) Guys Gone Wild Could End Too: Ladies, we most certainly cannot let this happen. It’s only fair that we get to see a few six-pack and v-cut flashes every once in a while. Especially because it’s really hard to find good straight porn these days. 5.) DVDs and VHS Tapes Will Become a Collector’s Item: And anything that becomes a collector’s item is never used again. They’ll be shrink-wrapped and protected behind bulletproof frames and placed high on a shelf for all to marvel at from below, like the Millennium Barbie or exclusive Beanie Babies. Not watching them is a downright insult. 4.) Joe Francis Will Have a Hard Time Finding Another Job: Although his entrepreneurial experience may seem impressive, his resume doesn’t really scream “professional.” Known for filming naked girls and graphic material, like car accidents and attacks from his Banned From Television phase, Francis’ heyday of being that weirdo with the camera might come to an end. He’s almost forty. He can’t stay in the business forever. Hugh Hefner is the only old dude allowed to mess around with younger girls without being called a freak. 3.) There Will Be One Less Exciting Late-Night Infomercial: We all love the Slap Chop, the ShamWow!, anything with Vince Offer, The Snuggie, The Magic Bullet, etc. But if GGW shuts down, say goodbye to barely-censored lady parts on an hour loop at night. Instead you’ll have to flip over to pay-per-view channels and pay a fortune for some midnight moanin’. 2.) It Will Start a Domino Effect to End All Porn: Imagine a world without America’s favorite pastime: pornography. Scary thought, huh? Losing Girls Gone Wild could put us right on track for that, and a life without (potentially) underage girls flashing their goodies on camera is one life that we sure don’t want to live through.

"Negatively affecting our abiliting to grow and sell marijuana is an affront to our well-being, man."

“Dope Growers of America Union officially proclaim our utmost support of the continued implementation of Daylight Saving Time in our town of Champaign. The summer season is vital to our survival and way of life in that it provides our largest influx in sales and consumption of sticky, icky dope. Negatively affecting our ability to grow and sell marijuana during this season is an affront to our culture and well-being, man.” The group has been outspoken about this issue for many years. The growth in demand of the drug after its being made illegal in 1937 began the group’s long fight to retain Daylight Saving Time on the argument that the extra hours of daylight improved both the quality of their product and also the quarterly production statistics during the summer months. Prior to 1937, the group actually advocated for the removal of Daylight Saving Time, as the forwarding of the clocks “messed with our cosmic rhythms” (DGAU, 1923).

The drought of 2012 also hit these growers particularly hard. Many had to switch over to indoor hydroponics methods of growing the drugs due to lack of rain water. “Technically hydroponic growing requires even more water,” Sage said, “but it’s not as good. Last year, if I grew pot, I wouldn’t have been able to sell nearly as much if I grew using traditional methods. I didn’t get to go to Bonnaroo because of that! I mean, I wouldn’t have been able to, you know?” If you wish to support the Dope Growers of America Union, go to Green Street apartments room 104A. Knock three times and say, “I wanted extra ranch on my calzone.” My cousin Otis will open the door. He’ll help you out.

1.) $10.3 Million Isn’t That Much: Let’s put this into perspective. The United States Public Debt is at about $11.8 trillion. People are taking pay cuts and tax increases to help the government out. But if 1/30 of the country’s population donated $1 each, there would be just enough money to pull GGW out of debt. That’s not asking too much now, is it?

kitty kat wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

The Drug Trade: Exchange Rate for Recreational Consumption david rubin wrote this A recent campus survey showed that 80% of people at the university either drink alcohol, do drugs, or both. The other 20% are lying. Consuming any of these different substances can get complicated, especially when one comes into a surplus of a particular drug. So here you are with a bunch of the pots, and you need to pawn it off on some of your friends. Of course, that’s only the case if you’re getting something in return. It’s a classic example of supply and demand. But what’s the appropriate trade value of each of these narcotics? Just because a gram of marijuana is twenty dollars doesn’t necessarily mean that it equals a cheap handle of hard alcohol that’s of equivalent value. We’re getting off the grid— away from legal, American tender. The trade value is entirely based on the level of inebriation that these drugs provide. Alcohol is the best place to start, considering that it’s the most popular drug on campus. We’ll measure it against some popular prescription medications, Xanax and Adderall, for this model. We know of a situation where four Xanax have been exchanged for a bottle of Captain Morgan. And while 10 milligrams of Adderall has half the shelf life, six hours, as the Xanax, in this underground bartering system, the demand for Addy is noticeably higher. Between the three of these, two 10-milligram pills of Adderall measures up to four Xanax or a standard bottle of liquor. If you’re a boozehound and you live with an anxious kid with ADHD, this should serve you well.

Let’s take a walk down Marijuana Avenue and break down everyone’s favorite Futurama-watching companion. When talking about the exchange rate of pot to any other drug, we need to take into account the entertainment time that marijuana provides. A gram of weed could last you a solid afternoon in a race against your sobriety, but let’s stretch it out to around eight to twelve hours for the economical smoker. That being the case, it easily could be traded with a new recreational item that’s taking our generation by storm as of late: molly. Now molly is a tricky thing. It’s not a drug that you can get from your regular dealer that you met in astronomy class freshman year. Whenever Canopy Club brings another DJ who plays music that sounds like a fax machine giving birth, it’s a delicate operation to track some down. But we’ll overlook that for now, as we’re purely looking at longevity for these two. One pill of molly could last anywhere from six to ten hours of stupid dancing fun. That would put it right on par with a gram of marijuana that should last the entirety of Portlandia and Archer. It’s about time we look at some psychedelics, like the two big ones: shrooms and acid. This all depends on the potency of what you’re getting, but an average trip on LSD lasts around 12 hours. And whether you take a half-eighth or a full eighth of shrooms, it’ll last about half that time. That being said, one tab of acid can be traded for an eighth of shrooms. Again, the shrooms almost certainly cost more money, but their avail-

ability on campus is much greater than acid, driving market price down. When it comes down to it, they essentially give you the same effect, so exchanging these two would be like trading a psychedelic burrito for a slightly less psychedelic taco. But feel free to use these exchange values with any of the other drugs listed above. Here you have a rough sketch of the general trade rate for each of these substances. You could just stick with whatever drug you have, but we live in a world of capitalism. You have to diversify your recreational needs on different stimulants, psychedelics, and depressants to get a well-rounded day of leisure. The next time you find yourself with thirty tabs of acid, and your buddy has a ton of leftover alcohol from his party the night before, use this layout to maximize your exchanges. Now go trade!

UV CHAMPAIGN LATE NIGHT SHUTTLE COMING FALL 2013!

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAY: CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

Friday Night's Show! CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE (Pirates vs. Ninjas) with ILL.GATES, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more!

WEDNESDAY 3/6

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THURSDAY 3/7

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

FRIDAY 3/8

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SATURDAY 3/9

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers,

SUNDAY 3/10 MONDAY 3/11

Closed

SATURDAY: DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

Saturday! Sonny Stubble, $5, 9:30pm

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

$2 LONG ISLANDS!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

YONDER MOUNTAIN STRING BAND with THE DEADLY GENTLEMEN

$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Everything Else!

$2 Domestics, $2 Wells Closed for a Private Party - Book yours by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

Friday After Class! CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE Happy Hour Food Specials 5-9pm (Pirates vs. Ninjas) $3 Pizzas - $3 Nachos! with ILL.GATES, DJ SOLO, $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more! $3 JAGER BOMBS

Dan Hubbard, $5, 8:30pm Performing w/ The Humadors

AEPi Benefit for Alzheimers featuring HOODIE ALLEN with AER and JARED ALLEN

DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

Sonny Stubble, $5, 9:30pm

Closed

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

$2 Wells

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

$2 LONG ISLANDS!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY MASON JAR MONDAY! Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts 11pm, Live Music by $3 Double Wells the TENSTRIKE after 11pm $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

TUESDAY 3/12

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

WEDNESDAY 3/13

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

We’re Pet Friendly!

from the location to the impeccable amenities, and everything in between, who said you couldn’t have it all?

Amenities? We’ve Got ‘Em! Amazing Location Theater Room Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge Fitness Center

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

217.239.2310 | BURNHAM310.COM | 310 E. SPRINGFIELD | IMMEDIATE MOVE INS AVAILABLE!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WEDNESDAY 3/6

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

THURSDAY: POLAR BEAR PARTY! Heated Beer Garden!

Jump in the Pool to Win Cubs Tix!

Half Price Whiskey Night, Half Price Burgers 7:30pm-10pm Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! Blackhawks vs Avs 7pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

FRIDAY: DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

New Menu Now! Warmer weather coming soon... Come check us out for lunch and a beer

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Try our new spring food specials! Hawks @ 7 $2 Fireball, $2 Woodchuck

$3 Strong Islands

POLAR BEAR PARTY! Heated Beer Garden! Jump in the Pool to Win Cubs Tix! Half Price Whiskey Night Half Price Burgers 7:30pm-10pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$5 Yards of Gatorade Free Cover any Thursday when you bring your yard back!

Blackhawks vs Avalanche 8pm $1 Chi Town Wheat Drafts $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Captain or Beam

Friday After Class!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Book your next event at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy weather in the 50's... finally!

SATURDAY 3/9

Giant Glass Night! $3 Jameson, $3.99 Pretzel Bites, $3 Rumple Shots $3 Goldschlager Get the Brand New 23oz Pilsner Glass!

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJ & Dancing Spend your Saturday Night at Highdive!

Start your day where yesterday ended... Wake up at Joe's! $6 Pitchers of Lunchbox, 1/2 price burgers

SUNDAY 3/10

Sports Doubleheader 11:30am ILLINI vs OSU $2 Anything in the House! 6pm HAWKS vs OILERS

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

25% off any appetizer Bulls v Lakers for lunch (2:30) Hawks for dinner (6pm)

MONDAY 3/11

Team Trivia Night! Compete Weekly to Win Great Prizes including a $500 Best Buy GC at Finals! $3 Any Import/Craft Beer HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Body Shot Mondays at MNJ! $2 Blue Kamikazes, $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 3/12

Spring Break Madness We are giving away lots of Gear for Spring Break! Hats-TShirts - Sunglasses & More! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm $2 Wells - Half Price Sharkbowls

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Anything Cuervo Come hang out with N'Sync and Britney

WEDNESDAY 3/13

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

THURSDAY 3/7 FRIDAY 3/8

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Wrap up your housing for next year!

Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300

102 East Gregory

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

THURSDAY: MEME GLASS NIGHT! Collect Them All!

TUES: Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

SATURDAY: Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 American Honey

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 3/6

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $3 Tullamore Dew Shots $2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THURS. 3/7

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jim Beam

FRI. 3/8

Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi Rum $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 American Honey

SAT. 3/9

Closed for a Private Event. Sorry!

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

SUN. 3/10

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 3/11

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Try the New Jacobs Ghost Moonshine Mason Jar Drinks! $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 3/12

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 3/13

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

THURSDAY: $2 U CALL IT Wells Calls Bottles Drafts Party with the Pinnacle Girls! Get it ALL Here! Platinum Wednesdays Hawks vs. Aves at 7PM

$2 Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles Bud Girls! Chance to Win Blackhawks Trip $2.50 Bacardi Drinks

$2 U CALL IT Wells Calls Bottles Drafts Party with the Pinnacle Girls! Get it ALL Here! Hawks vs. Aves at 8PM DJ BART 10pm

$3.00 24oz Cans Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Bud Lt., $2 Dr Shots and $2 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Captain Morgan Party with the Captain Girls

Big Ten Wrestling Championships $3 Crown Royal Drinks Party with the Crown Royal Girls!

Platinum Wednesdays

$2 Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles, Bud Girls! Chance to Win Blackhawks Trip $2.50 Bacardi Drinks

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Tipper

Bartender Nickname: BBS “Big Booty Sam”

Favorite Drink: Bar mat shot

Relationship Status: Open for business

Relationship Status: Taken Biggest Turnoff: Mud-Butt

Favorite Drink: Long Island Iced Tea

Biggest turn on: Titties, titties, titties!

Biggest turn on: Big “tips”

If you could have sex at any landmark what would it be: Lincoln Memorial… Nothing like having sex on another man’s lap.

Mike w.

white horse inn

theblacksheeponline.com

Biggest turn off: Boys and their feelings Deepest-Darkest Secret: Check my fantasy

Worst nightmare: Being locked in a room with Honey Boo Boo.

Sexual Fantasy: Licking nacho cheese off Robert Pinto

If you could be a superhero, what would your name be: The Scarlet Angel

Where do you see yourself in 50 years?: Stuffed with Taco Bell

Sexual Fantasy: Me, Sam Mall, and about 3 pounds of White Ho sausage.

Craziest place you’ve had sex: Taco Bell handicap stall

Secret Fetish: Chocolate cake farts Rosie O’Donnell or Whoopi Goldberg: Fatal 4-way with both of them and Fat Amy

the drinking game: beeropoly

There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue. What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?

download our app for all of our drinking games!

sam z.

murphy's

Favorite snack: Anything off of Taco Bell’s menu Worst place you’ve ever woken up: Covered in cheese next to Robert Pinto

recipe for disaster: Politically Correct Puppy Chow It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you're drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm. What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.

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booze of the week

page 17

Booze Review: Christian Brothers Honey Liqueur | grade: A Overview: After realizing their brandy was one of the best in America, the Christian Brothers knew they could do no wrong and branched out to create different flavors, like Holiday Nog and Frost. We’re not sure about the other ones they’ve made, but they definitely struck gold with their Honey Liqueur. History: The year is 1882 in San Joaquin Valley, California. The Christian Brothers, Henry and Benjamin, began distilling brandy to make a little side cash instead of relying on their carpentry jobs. Their beverage caught on fast in their town and soon spread across the state and nation. Fast-forward to 1990 and the present-day relatives Scott and Peter Christian were in charge of the company. Looking for something new to keep their business current, the men opted to add in honey flavoring to their signature brandy. After realizing its delicious potential, the brothers invested in a bee farm just outside of town and tended to the insects. Things didn’t start off smoothly, especially after realizing that Peter had a severe bee allergy. After a few days in the hospital and more

money than they expected to spend being wasted on bills and medicine, Peter decided to stay home and work more on the financial side of things. Scott spent most of his working hours at the farm, tending to his precious crops and harvesting their delectable honey. Once the recipe was perfectly balanced, the honey liqueur went into production and sales skyrocketed within a few months. Typical Drinkers: Gob Bluth, The Buzz editors, people who eat Cheerios, Christopher Robin and friends, and old Southern women. User Comments: “They don’t allow you to have bees in here.” “This drink bee so delicious, man!” “Old bear. He likes the honey.” “I’ll mix this with my tea tomorrow morning.” Conclusion: At 35% alcohol by volume, this ain’t some girly drink; it’s right up there with your standard vodkas and rums. It just happens to have a better taste than most of them.

Best Mixer: Rockstar Iced Peach Tea• Worst Mixer: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

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theblacksheeponline.com

The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part V sammie sea wrote this Previously on The Blackout and the Beautiful: A while after Allie stormed out of Papa Del’s, Jerry walked out to find her being kidnapped by Kevin. Jerry frantically called the Champaign Police to report her kidnapping and the license plate number of the kidnapper’s car. Later on, he finds Allie forced on a date with Kevin at the Illini Inn. Before Jerry can intervene, Allie’s dad storms into the bar to save the day. Upon meeting her father and learning he is a CIA operative, Jerry faints.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How are you getting your beach body ready for spring break? "Straight booze diet." - Arielle, Senior

“Jerry … Jerry! Are you okay?” As he slowly began to open his eyes, Jerry could faintly hear Allie’s voice as she knelt on the floor cradling his head on her lap. After a few moments, he finally came to enough to stand up and regain his balance. Putting his hand to his head, Jerry turned to glance around the bar when suddenly he felt a large figure behind him. “You took quite a fall there, son,” boomed the commanding voice. Jerry, startled, turned around to face the Captain. “Yeah, I get a little lightheaded sometimes,” Jerry nervously laughed. He could feel his palms getting clammy; a droplet of sweat began to form at his brow. “Jerry, aren’t you going to formally introduce yourself?” nudged Allie sternly. Her father, being a CIA man and all, was an old-fashioned man who took respect very seriously. As discreetly as he could, Jerry began to wipe off his sweaty hand, so not to offend the Captain. “Yes, of course! How rude of me. Jerry Norman. It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir,” Jerry replied, sticking his hand out for a formal shake. Suddenly, the Captain’s face dropped as if he had witnessed an attack on his own troops. The color fell from his face as he stared at his daughter’s boyfriend. “Norman, is it?” he remarked, trying to keep his composure. “Well, it’s great to finally meet you. I told Allie to bring you around earlier, but I suppose the timing just wasn’t right.” The tension of the room was palpable. Jerry struggled to keep comfortable eye contact with the Captain. “Thanks for being here, Dad,” Allie blurted out, breaking the silence. “Clearly my lab partner is psychotic. Do you think I could get a restraining order against him?” It took a moment, but the Captain finally broke from his daze. “Of course, sweetheart. We’re going to make sure that that boy is kept as far away from you

as possible. In fact, I’ll speak with the chancellor tomorrow about his possible expulsion from the university. It’s getting late, though. How about I drop you kids off?” “That’s alright,” Jerry exclaimed, “I live just over at Tower at Third. It’s less than a block.” The Captain nodded in compliance. Allie turned, hugged her father and began to walk with Jerry towards his apartment. A few minutes later, the two were in Jerry’s room. Jerry sprawled out across the bed, his hands grasping the pillow that concealed his face. Allie paced around the room nervously. She could tell that something was off but after their fight at Papa Del’s, she didn’t want to stir anything else up. After a few minutes of silence, Allie finally laid on the bed next to Jerry. She began to run her fingers up and down his chest. Maybe, she thought, she could break the tension by breaking their sexual dry spell. Jerry removed the pillow from his face; he had been waiting for Allie to come around for quite awhile. Allie leaned in towards Jerry as she climbed on top of him. Just before their lips met, Jerry blinked and saw the face of Mrs. Jennings. Flustered, he propelled himself forward, knocking Allie to the ground in bewilderment.

hurt you, I swear!” Suddenly, there was a forceful pounding at the door. Allie and Jerry paused, confused. The pounding continued, this time paired with a demand. “Police! Open up!” Allie gasped as they nervously stared at one another. Cautiously, Jerry crept towards the front door. He slowly turned the knob to reveal two large officers. “Are you Jerry Norman?” demanded one of the officers. Jerry could feel his throat closing up. Somehow he managed to force a meek affirmation. The officers nodded at one another. “Jerry Norman, you are under arrest for the kidnapping of Allie Jennings,” stated the first officer. Jerry began to panic. “What?! No! I was the one who called in about her kidnapping with a license plate number,” Jerry sputtered.

“What the hell is your problem?!” yelled Allie. A bump was already beginning to form where the nightstand collided with her skull.

“Well son, you must be pretty stupid then. We traced the license plate number back to a car registered under your name,” the second officer cuffed Jerry’s wrists behind his back. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…”

“I’m so sorry!” Jerry replied, “I didn’t mean to

To be continued…

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continued from the cover

“I really cannot understand the mentality behind such irresponsible behavior,” began Mr. Esquire as he pulled out his third pack of cigarettes within the course of 15 minutes, “I’ve researched the university and found it as one of the most prestigious and top-ranked public universities in the nation. How can a school of such endowed scholarship and highly-involved career prospects act with such recklessness and stupidity? The thought of 40,000 students partaking in the consumption of alcohol on a Friday morning is sickening to think about, and there’s no doubting the fact that none of these students give a ho-hum about their collegiate careers. You know what we considered ‘fun’ during my undergrad at U of Chicago? Pulling an all-nighter studying for our pre-law exams.” Mr. Esquire also mentioned enrolling Cindy in a smaller, private school after her time of solitude and meditation in the convent. He argued that the contained, intimate atmosphere would be party-free, noting that students studying at Ivy League schools truly understand where their priorities are at by being more concerned about grades and less concerned about the Devil’s Piss. “I don’t even know why the holiday is dubbed ‘Unofficial’ in the first place,” continued the pale-skinned father, “Does it mark the moment when students ‘Unofficially’ forget about the hard-earned tuition money that their loving parents pay for them? Is it the ‘Unofficial’ definition of the doomed future of America at the hands of these students? Whatever the case, the University of Illinois is ‘officially’ out of the question for my daughter’s collegiate education.” The Esquires went on to reluctantly announce that they were forced to cancel their annual St. Patrick’s Day neighborhood get-together due to the recovery process, coupled with the antagonistic outcry from many neighbors now faced with the possibility of being sober on the 17th. The Black Sheep was also able to have a brief chat with Cindy via carrier pigeon mail, the only accepted form of outside communication for the nuns within her convent. “Yeah, my parents are a little insane. I honestly didn’t think Unofficial was that bad; everyone seemed to be having a pretty good time. I’d like to apply to U of I in the future, which probably won’t be for another 6 or 7 years depending on how long it takes for the other sisters to ‘purge the demons of day-drinking within my unclean soul.’ Well, the uptight sisters at least. A few of them are actually Illinois alumni who never miss a single basketball game. There’s actually a pregame at 5 which I’m pretty excited for.”

"Whatever the case, the University of Illinois is ‘officially’ out of the question for my daughter’s collegiate education.”

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The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test

Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages. While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B.

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So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.

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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged:

#1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.

#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry Lemonade

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#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade

Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3

Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age

Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.

Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma - a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.

When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?

4.5

Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.

3.5

#5:

#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade

Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite

#6:

Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7

Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader

Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.

#6:

Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.

Mike’s Hard margarita

Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.

#8:

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.

#9:

Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade

Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.

#10:

Mike’s Hard winter blackberry

Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3

Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita

Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.

Mike’s Hard Limeade

Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9

1.5

The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-yearold chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.

we interview:

AER

Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

David bowie - the next day out march 12th

It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.

God of War: Ascension out march 12th

The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th

The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York

Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell

Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight

Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West

Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama

Least likely to: - Get laid. - Do mushrooms ever again. - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.

Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa

Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; - Tequila Chugging

Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake

How to play

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

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the crossword: spring break, baby! Across 2) All you’ll be wearing. 3) Two-piece beach attire. 4) You might get this kind of cup, filled with a daiquiri or something. 6) You just lay there. 9) This Mexican town may drive you loco. 12) Dad from the South 13) An all this resort is awesome. 14) You’ll need these, and Advil, to make it through the

next day. 15) Because being a lobster is not cute. 18) A beach city, home to NASCAR. 19) Flying above a boat, basically. Down 1) Translated means “nest of snakes or pot.” 2) A practical souvenir. 3) An efficient way to drink a beer. 5) You will make a lot of these. 7) Capital of the Bahamas 8) Beer jacket. 10) A drink, and a popular activity. 11) The best part about The Panhandle. 15) An easy outfit for girls. 16) If you can’t opt for a plane ticket. 17) The second part of Sin City.

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