The Black Sheep
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The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 9 10/17/12 - 10/24/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc
The Midterm Revolution kitty kat wrote this
Whoever said “The pen is mightier than the sword” is a huge idiot. He’s probably also the same dumbass who decided to bring a knife to a gun fight. There is absolutely no way that slinging together some insults or sweet rhymes with a pen and a pad of paper is going to save your bum when 260 pounds of muscle comes hurling at you, sword unsheathed. So if this is true, then why do we spend our days preparing to conquer life in this way? Still not getting my point? Okay, let’s take a look at midterms. Midterms test what you were supposed to have learnt throughout the first eight weeks of class while you were surfing Reddit in lecture, praying that your teacher didn’t ask you to stand up on account of your raging hard-on. It’s pure torture; a professor cramming textbook information into your cranium along with some bigoted opinions and constant demands to “put that cell phone away!” And this isn’t just one class. No, for some of us it’s six, all doing the same exact thing. Professors are like desperate teenage girls, “I swear, I’m not like any other teachers out there. I’m a cool guy. I care about you students, and I want you to succeed.” But once you flip open the exam booklet, all hope is lost. None of the words on the first page look familiar; none of the answers stand out. You flip to the second page, the third, the fourth. How many trees did they kill to make all these booklets? Why does this multiple choice question have six options? Twenty true and false questions?! What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to fill this out in pen!? Basically, midterms just aren’t an accurate measure of how well we’re going to do in life after college, so I say it’s time to start making some changes. Instead of sitting for two hours, ferociously filling in Scantron bubbles before time is up, let’s instate some new midterm challenges to judge how ready you are for the world ahead. I’m not too concerned about the cost of these things either; the university can take all the money they’re no longer putting towards all that printer paper and ink to make these midterm dreams a reality. First, let’s focus on the students that plan on going to medical school, your biology majors or whatever. Their lives are about to get a hell of a lot more difficult over the next ten years or so; it’s time to start preparing for it now. On midterm day, instead of heading to the usual lecture hall, students will catch a bus to Carle and meet the class in the emergency unit waiting room. When the exam starts, all students have to grab a gurney and take off running down the hallway as
If Famous Works of Art Could Talk
Damn, that Mona Lisa sounds like a slut.
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fast as possible. Over the intercom system, the professor will yell out exam questions, and the students will shout out the answers as they careen around corners. Meanwhile, nurses will be asked to hurl stethoscopes, clipboards, bloody newborns, and prescription pads at the students. The exam is over after students successfully visit all of their assigned patients throughout the hospital and only four of them die from sepsis. Honestly, I’m still not exactly sure what goes on in Recreation, Sports, and Tourism classes. But I can bet some of these kids
what’s inside
just joined the major because it sounds like a blow-off lifetime. That being said, let’s give them what they want. It’s time to bring back middle school P.E. fitness tests. A couple pushups, pull-ups, sit-ups. Hell, throw in a rope climb too to make it extra fun. Don’t worry if you can’t run the timed mile in under ten minutes. On this midterm, everyone gets an A. For those students concentrating in tourism, we have something else for you as well. Book a world-class, week-long European trip including airfare and hotel rooms on one of the internet’s many travel sites. Plan out a few cool stops along the way, like the Red Light District or places were absinthe is legal. continued on page 10
The Top 10: Creative Ways to Score Free Drinks
Odyssey of the Marathon Runner
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That don't involve flashing your boobs... unless you want to!
What would you think about if you had to run for 4 hours?