Illinois Fall Issue 9 - 10/17/12 by The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 21, Issue 9 10/17/12 - 10/24/12

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The Midterm Revolution kitty kat wrote this

Whoever said “The pen is mightier than the sword” is a huge idiot. He’s probably also the same dumbass who decided to bring a knife to a gun fight. There is absolutely no way that slinging together some insults or sweet rhymes with a pen and a pad of paper is going to save your bum when 260 pounds of muscle comes hurling at you, sword unsheathed. So if this is true, then why do we spend our days preparing to conquer life in this way? Still not getting my point? Okay, let’s take a look at midterms. Midterms test what you were supposed to have learnt throughout the first eight weeks of class while you were surfing Reddit in lecture, praying that your teacher didn’t ask you to stand up on account of your raging hard-on. It’s pure torture; a professor cramming textbook information into your cranium along with some bigoted opinions and constant demands to “put that cell phone away!” And this isn’t just one class. No, for some of us it’s six, all doing the same exact thing. Professors are like desperate teenage girls, “I swear, I’m not like any other teachers out there. I’m a cool guy. I care about you students, and I want you to succeed.” But once you flip open the exam booklet, all hope is lost. None of the words on the first page look familiar; none of the answers stand out. You flip to the second page, the third, the fourth. How many trees did they kill to make all these booklets? Why does this multiple choice question have six options? Twenty true and false questions?! What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to fill this out in pen!? Basically, midterms just aren’t an accurate measure of how well we’re going to do in life after college, so I say it’s time to start making some changes. Instead of sitting for two hours, ferociously filling in Scantron bubbles before time is up, let’s instate some new midterm challenges to judge how ready you are for the world ahead. I’m not too concerned about the cost of these things either; the university can take all the money they’re no longer putting towards all that printer paper and ink to make these midterm dreams a reality. First, let’s focus on the students that plan on going to medical school, your biology majors or whatever. Their lives are about to get a hell of a lot more difficult over the next ten years or so; it’s time to start preparing for it now. On midterm day, instead of heading to the usual lecture hall, students will catch a bus to Carle and meet the class in the emergency unit waiting room. When the exam starts, all students have to grab a gurney and take off running down the hallway as

If Famous Works of Art Could Talk

Damn, that Mona Lisa sounds like a slut.

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fast as possible. Over the intercom system, the professor will yell out exam questions, and the students will shout out the answers as they careen around corners. Meanwhile, nurses will be asked to hurl stethoscopes, clipboards, bloody newborns, and prescription pads at the students. The exam is over after students successfully visit all of their assigned patients throughout the hospital and only four of them die from sepsis. Honestly, I’m still not exactly sure what goes on in Recreation, Sports, and Tourism classes. But I can bet some of these kids

what’s inside

just joined the major because it sounds like a blow-off lifetime. That being said, let’s give them what they want. It’s time to bring back middle school P.E. fitness tests. A couple pushups, pull-ups, sit-ups. Hell, throw in a rope climb too to make it extra fun. Don’t worry if you can’t run the timed mile in under ten minutes. On this midterm, everyone gets an A. For those students concentrating in tourism, we have something else for you as well. Book a world-class, week-long European trip including airfare and hotel rooms on one of the internet’s many travel sites. Plan out a few cool stops along the way, like the Red Light District or places were absinthe is legal. continued on page 10

The Top 10: Creative Ways to Score Free Drinks

Odyssey of the Marathon Runner

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 5: Delivery Driver Races

What grub should you order when you're in a rush?

page 6: My Impromptu Trip to the Champaign County Jail Some things you'd have to see to believe.

page 7: Ethics Week Fails to Inspire Ethical Behavior for Student Body

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Keynote speaker Tim Beckman escorted off stage.

page 9: The Invisible Roommate She's never around, is she even alive?

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Table of

Two sexually promiscuous hunks of campustown.

page 17: The Booze Review: Pinnacle Melon Vodka The mysterious flavor we'd like to forget

page 18: from the streets

What costume are you wearing for Halloween?

page 21: we interview: owen

Download this U of I alum's album Ghost Town on iTunes.

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Meet The Staff

Find Us At...

Managing Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe

copy Editor Katelyn Lilly

photographer Graca Haka

Advertising Manager Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber

owner Atish Doshi

Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin

Disclaimer

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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! k e e W e h t f o c i P

Dear Mike, So Halloween is coming up and I still haven’t found a good costume. I want something that is entertaining, but not too offensive. Any suggestions? Sincerely, @Monstermash69 Dear M-Mash69, Whatever you do, and I mean whatever you do, do not go as a ghost. You know what I’m talking about, the classic ghost getup with a bed sheet and two eye holes cut out? Yeah, avoid that. Especially if you plan on going to a party with a dance floor. It’s all fun and games until a sexy Luigi comes around and embarrasses you in front of the whole party. In this same respect, I would avoid any tights-wearing superhero. I’m referring to your Batmans, Supermans, Spidermans, Green Lanterns, Peter Pans, Zorros, Phantoms of the Opera, Robins, Robin Hoods, Green Mans, TripleHs, and your Freddie Mercurys. Unless you are prepared for the eventuality of a sexy Buzz Lightyear doing the stanky-spanky on you during the Ghostbusters theme song, you are going to want something a little looser. However, you can’t got too loose! You’re going to want to stay away from sweat pants, bathing suits, gauchos, parachute pants, pajama pants, basketball shorts, kilts, baggy skater pants, those weird pants people who do parkour wear, enormous Hot-Topic goth pants with chains, and 16th century pantaloons. I know you really wanted to go as Aladdin, but there was a reason why he was so eager to sit down on his carpet whenever Jasmine came prancing by. Hope this narrows it down a bit, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

Eater Zilch Lean Pawn Um Horn

Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

last week’s answers

Moments later the walls dripped with blood as zombie Steve cried a single tear of loneliness. (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Guyser:

The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.

Sarah Shahi & Common

“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”

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Delivery Driver Races

benson wrote this

My original intention for this article was to stage a race between many of the top delivery services on campus. I figured that since we're now halfway through the semester the delivery drivers of our fair city would be more or less on their A-game. I had high hopes for you greasy bastards, I really did. But as fate would have it, I ended up more disappointed than my high school homecoming date. First Contestant: Papa John’s What: Large 2 topping pizza (green pepper, onion) - $12.63, $1 tip. When: Friday October 5, 6:12 p.m. Time: 2 hours, 26 minutes, 4 seconds. Papa John’s, you really fucked me this time. In the amount of time between when I ordered this pizza and when it arrived I could have ordered something else, eaten it, taken a nap, gotten hungry again, order something else, eaten it, taken a shit, and then gotten hungry again. The worst part was that after one hour Papa John’s called me to confirm the order and then threw it in the oven. I don’t know how much artisan work is needed in preparing your shit cardboard crust, but you could stand to hack a few dozen minutes off of the prep work time. I did end up getting this pizza for free, so at least I got the satisfaction of withholding my one dollar tip from that greasy delivery driver. Second Contestant: Burrito King What: 2 HUGE Tacos, Beans, Rice, Guacamole - $12.12, $1 tip. When: Saturday October 6, 1:05 p.m. Time: 43 minutes, 22 seconds.

We fail to see how the Burrito King could competently be king of anything, except for maybe making me late for shit. The EatCU deal listed this meal as containing 2 “HUGE” Tacos. After waiting for 40 minutes for these bad boys I was expecting something impressive. When they arrived, the tacos were pretty much the size of normal tacos. I mean, they were pretty big I guess. I figured that one in the afternoon wouldn’t be too busy of a time for the Burrito King, but I was clearly wrong. Third Contestant: Chopstix What: Beef Lo Mein, Crab Rangoon - $11.88, $1 tip. When: Sunday October 7, 6:32 p.m. Time: 27 minutes, 10 seconds. Chopstix, you’re my boy. While you may not have technically won the race, you succeeded in being the only contestant to deliver my food faster than if I had just walked there. The food was delicious, by the way. It was so good that I almost debated giving you a $2 tip. But that would be crazy. Chopstix also has the nicest, least greasy delivery drivers, who have often in the past had to deal with me drunkenly professing my love for them. Fourth Contestant: Jimmy John’s What: Totally Tuna (No sprouts, no cucumber, cut down the middle, mayo packets) - $5.25, $1 tip. When: Wednesday October 10, 9:04 p.m. Time: 20 minutes. Was Jimmy John’s the fastest delivery service? Yes. Was everybody expecting Jimmy John’s to be the fastest? Yes. But was it freaky fast? No, I remain not freaked out at how fast this sand-

wich was given to me. Jimmy John’s has the distinct advantage of not having to actually cook any food. All they have to do is slap some tuna on a bun and throw it into a ’97 Civic for delivery. It shouldn’t take too much longer than the amount of time it takes to find your keys and drive to the post office. What can we learn from this endeavor? Uh… not much. It’s almost always better to just walk to get food: You get exercise, don’t have to deal with greasy delivery drivers, don’t have to pay outrageous delivery fees, don’t have to fulfill the $8 minimum order on EatCU, and don’t have to wait two hours to eat soggy pizza. Some people cure diseases, some write great works of art, but if this discovery remains my greatest contribution to the world's data pool, then that is okay, I can live with that.

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AN Impromptu Trip to the Champaign County Jail Molly Forrest wrote this Based on a true story: One of our writers took a journey to Champaign County Jail, a journey we all must take at least once, to pick up her dumbass friend. If you find yourself in a paddy wagon this semester, this is what you can expect. I was awoken around 2 a.m. by an obnoxiously loud ring tone and a sobbing, frantic voice. In my sleepy haze I made out “jail,” “car keys,” and “brown man arrested for being brown.” Before I knew it, I was driving to Champaign County Jail in a car that wasn’t mine and without a license or shoes. The gentleman who committed the offense and was currently behind bars. His girlfriend, riding with me, was quite shaken up and was crying hysterically like she had just witnessed her parents in a knife fight. I was hoping it wasn’t anything too serious, but I was a bit concerned about how the rest of the night would play out. Alejandro and Monique had gotten into a fight and Alejandro, who had been at the bar for several hours, decided it would be a good idea to drive down the streets of Champaign looking for her. This is bad, because drinking and driving is bad. During his search party he went down a one-way street and the cops pulled him over. Worried about his previous criminal record he panicked, crashed his rental car, and then ran. Although it may have seemed like a good idea at the time, the men in blue caught him, tazed him, and brought his ass to jail. Again, drinking and driving is stupid. After a forty-five minute drive through a neighborhood that I assume provides unlimited amounts of narcotics to townies, we arrived at the jail. We were buzzed in almost immediately and entered an ethnically diverse room. The first man to acknowledge us was missing an eye and screamed, “Champaign campus is popping!” The Cyclops also had a female companion who was dressed in fleece Mickey Mouse pants and Crocs. This made me feel a little better about my outfit that I had tossed together in two minutes in the dark. They were reminiscing on their previous encounters with the Champaign County Jail. On the other side of the room was a pack of extremely talkative Asians. Being in the waiting room of a jail must have made them feel like they were living through many notorious, American-made movies. Waiting to bail someone out of jail is comparable to the DMV. You will never understand what is taking so damn long and why the employees working have absolutely no people skills. During my hour

and half wait I decided to absorb everything that jail had to offer. Is it weird that I ended up enjoying myself while I was there? Judging by the stain, it appeared that someone had given birth on the seat next to me. Gross, but awesome. Across the room were pictures of past sheriffs. No matter where you looked the eyes of these pictures followed you like a haunted house in a horror movie, even the Cyclops noticed and did a few double takes. The best part of jail was, hands down, the bathroom. I didn’t sit on the toilet because I didn’t want to have to explain to the doctor how I caught some weird hybrid between an STD and flesh-eating bacteria in jail. I think people would get the wrong impression. There were no paper towels but there was a mysterious package in the garbage saying “Townsend.” For my remaining time in jail that package was all I could think about. Was it a set up? A drug transfer? Is this the work of the FBI? Will the contents of that package save the world? Is this a time machine? Am I looking too much into this? When the clock struck 4:45 a.m. Alejandro was finally released. He was extremely salty that they made him take his earrings out and thought people were out to get him because he was wearing a salmon-colored shirt. He wasn’t remorseful to his girlfriend; instead he demanded an alibi to tell his mother. I asked him if he learned anything from this experience, and all he replied was, “At least I didn’t get into a fight.” I don’t know if this means he didn’t have to take any dick up the bum, but hopefully by his gait, he did not.

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Ethics Week Fails to Inspire Ethical Behavior for Student Body aaron toch wrote this Ethics Week, a week designed as an outlet for university students to sample various seminars and explore the joys of ethics, ended Friday, October 12 without one person convinced that an ethical approach to this school could possibly be found. On the University of Illinois Class of 2014 Facebook group, a lot of the blame has been placed on chancellor Phyllis Wise, who failed to anticipate the consequences of what her speakers represented. Speaking at the “Extinguish Smoking” seminar was football coach Tim Beckman, who was booed just a few moments after he got on stage. Someone “accidently” included the picture of him chewing tobacco on the sidelines of a blowout loss to Wisconsin within the few first slides of his presentation. Speechless, and understanding the irony of giving a speech against the dangers of nicotine, Beckman’s eyes went blank before talking to the audience like they were in a game day huddle. “Listen, defense… I know you don’t like tackling, I know it hurts you, but somebody is going to have to do something to stop them from getting forty points before the half,” Beckman yelled amidst a crowd of international students, who actually just came to learn the definition of the word “ethic.” A staff member tried to identify the audience, but Beckman was adamant to finish his speech. “You know what happened to the last coach that started the season with six wins? He got fired! In the same time span I’ve got only two wins, and everyone’s totally accepting. Another loss has gotta be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Hey, does anybody have a Camel around here?” He asked, before being escorted off the stage by security. They may have been a bit pre-emptive with the decision, however, because the next speaker was not much better. Professor Janeen Johnson, a leader in animal studies, was ready to discuss the ethics of carrying out such research before the creepy man, best known for his catch-phrase, “Help stop violence!” burst into the room completely naked, reeking of Trader Joe’s and fermented urine. Attempting to emulate busty celebrities who pose for PETA, the crowd bemoaned his decision to appear naked as they shielded their eyes and fell to the ground. The man strutted across the stage, attempting to flex his arms and draw the audience in to his words. He had his catchphrase scribbled across his chest in blood-red lipstick. Professor Johnson then began to explain the justification of carving holes into live cows for the sake of studying their insides but was drowned out by hollers of “No! Look away! Don’t listen to her! It’s all lies! Help stop violence! Help stop violence!” until the security had to be called back onto the

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stage to restore order. Johnson, then unable to access her PowerPoint presentation due to technical difficulties, left without explaining any more of her “extremely ethical” studies. Following this was the Ask an Expert panel, which was undermined by idiotic and irrelevant questions from the same two people over and over again. The panel spent thirty minutes justifying affirmative action, a move that makes campuses more diverse. This caused roars of despair amongst the Republicans in the room, who were all white (which is not important) but demanded that people be admitted to college only based on their grades (in which the environment they come from has no influence over). At the conclusion of Ethics Week, Phyllis Wise promised to never again let such an idea be tackled, and instead leave it to the pros: the presidents of the university. Penn State had plans to implement such a week into their annual academic schedule, but after hearing about Illinios’s failure, they knew they stood even less of a chance of it being successful.

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If Famous Works of Art Could Talk morgan foster wrote this Art majors get a lot of beef from business and engineering students who claim that an Art major is pointless. This could either be chalked up to the premature deaths of the proper majors’ imaginations, or to their inability to see the hidden lives of famous works of art. Works of art are more than just canvas and marble, many times they seem to have thoughts of their own. David by Michelangelo: “Seriously, I’m sick and tired of everyone staring at my dick. I’m always getting teenage girls coming up to me and analyzing every little thing about my little buddy. ‘Is that really what it looks like?’ and ‘I thought they were supposed to be bigger… Yeah, that’s all I hear, every day. It’s not just teenage girls either. It’s humanly impossible for my viewers to not think perverted thoughts or to judge me while I’m standing here. IT WAS COLD WHEN I WAS BEING SCULPTED, OKAY? And I wasn’t, you know, excited or anything. If only Michelangelo had sculpted me at full mast, then everyone would eat their words! I’m perfect, dammit! Perfect!" American Gothic by Grant Wood: “I know my husband slept with the milkmaid. I knew it from the second he walked in the door with milk stains on his pants. Or at least that’s what he said the stains were… Oh no, maybe it wasn’t the milkmaid! Maybe my husband fancies the men! He must’ve been canoodling with our farmhand, Tim! Well I’ll be darned; too bad I already went after the milkmaid with this here pitchfork…” The Scream by Edvard Munch: “'Girl your vagina looks like a few slices of moldy ham! Put that shit away!’ That’s what

I said to Mona Lisa when she went after my hot beef injection. That bitch has been around the block if ya know what I mean. I had to deal with that garbage, and then people used my disgusted face as a design for masks in a kinda shitty slasher film. I mean, they even named it after me. Couldn’t they at least be sly about it?” The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci: “I don’t get why people make such a huge deal about my smile. Honestly, I had just smoked some quality ganja right before da Vinci painted me. I was so faded, man. So if you really want to know how to perform a perfect Mona Lisa smile, contact your local shaggy-haired, glaze-eyed dealer and tell him you wanna be baked like Mona Lisa. To which he will probably reply, ‘Dude, I don’t even know anyone named Mona, but here’s some weed.’” The Girl With A Pearl Earring by Jan Vermeer: “I asked my boyfriend for a pearl NECKLACE. What? That means jizz on my neck? Well that explains a lot. No. I wanted an actual pearl necklace, and all I got was this damn earring. That’s right, there’s only one. Good thing Vermeer didn’t paint both sides of my face. My boyfriend is an idiot. I mean, one earring. Seriously? All men are cheap these days, I’ll tell you that much.”

Dogs Playing Poker by C.M. Coolidge: “Ruff. Bark Bark Ruff. Lemme smell your ass. I win this round, and I smell your ass and take your rawhide. That’s right, bitch.”

The Thinker by Auguste Rodin: “What should I have for lunch today? Oh that’s right, nothing, because I’m a statue. Damn, that girl looking at the Picasso painting over there has some big tittays. I wonder if they’re real. Nah, definitely fake. Although I’d definitely cop a feel or two if I had movable body parts. Man, I wish I could move. Instead I’m just

The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali: “Dude, people keep on saying that I’m a symbol for the elasticity for time. Yeah whatever, the truth is that Dali was tripping balls when he painted me. He was looking at a clock and thought his brain was melting. That’s it. That’s the whole story.”

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stuck here pondering boobs and food. Which isn’t so bad I guess…”

The Top 10

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Creative Ways to Score Free Drinks We’re all familiar with the typical ways to get free booze, but if you find yourself in a bar where you don’t know anyone and are a man (fat man tits don’t count) then you’re gonna have to use your noggin to score some drinks. Here are some tried and true ways to get your drink on. 10. Suck Up to Parents: During football season the bars are packed with aging, geriatric alumni on game day. Simply approaching any group of adults over fifty and asking them what the school was like in their day is like spitting solid game at a drunk girl. They’ll be in love with you, and before you know it they’ll be sending some shots your way.

The Invisible Roommate becky jacobs wrote this The following are excerpts from a recovered diary found in an undisclosed dorm room on campus: August 29, 2012: Ah, the campus is so beautifully sweltering in the summer. I love the way my thighs stick together as I attempt to pedal through the Quad on my bike. Sweat droplets have gotten to know me better than my roommate so far. There are no sheets on her bed, but her belongings occupy her space. This may seem desperate, but I wish I could just be invisible like Clay Aiken and post up on our bedroom wall like a fly and see if this girl really exists. I mean, where could she be all the time? Perhaps McKinley quarantined her in its deepest pits of misdiagnoses, restraining her from spreading an unidentifiable STD. Or maybe she’s trapped in a repetitive universe like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Every day she’s trying to return to her room, but she can’t. This better not have a Zombieland kind of ending for Murray or me. September 6, 2012: Seriously, how can she have so much shit and never physically be here? I’m not a math major, but I think she takes up over fifty percent of the room. How is that even possible?! I have to tiptoe over her shoes and bottles of Gatorade to make it to my closet. September 19, 2012: Temptation got the best of me today. My mouth salivated as I saw the Hostess cupcake lying in the center of her bed. Screw the dollar and twenty-five cents I’d have to spend at the vending machine downstairs, I want the cupcake. However, economics has it right, there’s no such thing as a free lunch. After slaving away in “our” room, vacuuming every inch of dust and dead insects that found their way in, I deserve that cupcake. September 23, 2012: I heard peculiar noises in the room last night. No, it wasn’t my neighbors crying again over the ridiculous, multiple breakups in Glee. Instead it sounded like Bear in the Big Blue House trying to fit his ass on a toilet. There were moans and grunting and quiet suggestions to “shift over to the left a bit.” Despite the weariness caused by sleep, I know I’m not a contestant on a dating show with Bret Michaels,

Tila Tequila, or Flava Flav. There shouldn’t be grunting in my room late in the night. I was too scared to look to see if it was her. I’m going to play it up as permanent mind scarring from watching endless hours of reality television. September 20, 2012: I e-mailed the FBI today. I wasn’t sure of the exact e-mail address, and ChaCha didn’t seem to know, so I tried fbi@ government.gov.org.com.net to be safe. Maybe they can gang up with the CIA to track her down. Seriously, I’ve seen one Pop-Tart wrapper in the trash from her in the past fourteen days. That’s not healthy. For her safety, I also drafted letters to well-know badasses: Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marlon Brando, Betty White, and John Wayne. You’re welcome, invisible roommate. October 8, 2012: Apparently the FBI doesn’t give two shits about my problem. I guess I need a predicament the size of Watergate. Excuse me, Deep Throat, but a missing roommate is legitimate in the college world. We’re supposed to be taking shots and painting each other’s fingernails. Actually, I’m not exactly sure what we’re supposed to do. See, I don’t have a roommate. I wouldn’t know.

9. Promise Them Pizza: Buy a pizza from Papa John’s or Domino’s and bring it to the party. When you arrive that “five dollars a cup” rule suddenly disappears, and people will be bending over backwards to get a slice of pizza from you. Make sure to keep the box as long as possible, even after the pizza is gone. 8. Be Their (Fake) Drug Dealer: I wouldn’t recommend this method unless you have guts and run into someone balls deep in a blackout. Approach them and offer a hard drug like cocaine or heroin even though you have neither (officially). Try to keep a straight face throughout the exchange, and when they politely decline to buy drugs from a total stranger, they’ll be entertained enough by your gall to buy you the next round. 7. Dance Off: Drunks are competitive by nature, and a dance off brings out a drunken person’s innate love of dancing and competition. No matter who wins, put up a solid effort and afterwards claim you are now “sooo thirsty.” The other participant, if they have any courtesy, will offer you a drink. 6. Bar Tricks: It takes two minutes to look up some stupid bar trick on YouTube and master it. An old favorite is buying a shot, putting a hat over it, and betting some sucker a free drink that you can take the shot without touching the hat. Pretend to drink the shot with a straw around the edges of the hat. When the sap picks up the hat to check if the shot it still there, drink it and demand whatever you want. 5. Dressing Up as a Clown: Some of you out there may have a fear of clowns, but trust us: Dressing up as one will not only get you many memorable pictures but also free drinks from adoring bar patrons. Make sure to have a cheesy joke on hand too! 4. Wear a Tiara/Sash: Thankfully, both of these articles of clothing come with a sense of entitlement. By donning this princess attire the wearer is saying to the crowd, “If you’re lucky, you can spend $3 on me.” 3. Start a Fight: Find the meekest, smallest person in the bar and pretend that they bump into you. Start to get defensive and claim they spilled your drink. Chances are they will want to avoid confrontation and will just buy you another to get you out of their face. Prepare to possibly get your ass kicked, though.

I resorted to my last option: a séance. Maria Leia Natasha Elle Yolanda visited our room today to see if my roommate had died and become a ghost, haunting the room. I swear she took the television remote. I can’t find it anywhere! She lit some candles, burned some incense, and said a few words. I thought there’d be more to it. Perhaps Patrick Swayze would show up, and we’d shape some pottery together. I don’t know. I guess I just expected answers. October 10, 2012: I don’t have much time to write, but things are weirder now. I know where my roommate is. She’s… This is where the diary ends. The whereabouts of the author of the diary and the missing roommate are still unknown. Stand by for forty-six copies of an Illini-Alert when the university finds out more.

2. Pretend You Know Them: Isn’t it awkward when someone knows you from somewhere, but you have no idea who they are? Use that against someone and basically refuse to go away until you all get shots. Claim that you bought the last round when you all went out, and they’ll be forced to pony up. 1. Crash the Bar Crawl/Exchange: For those larger bar crawls for a specific major or organization, just wait for one of the members to leave and ask for their shirt. All of a sudden you have new friends to meet and mooch of off for the rest of the night.

John McHoneyCombs wrote this

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If you’re a Family Studies major, get ready to have some real fun around midterm time. Your goal: to conceive a child. What better way to study how family members interact than to experience it yourself, right? All the baby daddy fights, awkward nipple lactation, and stretch marks that just never want to fade. Aren’t you excited?! Obviously being pregnant will completely destroy your social life, but that’s the price you’re going to have to pay. If you can conceive the child by the midterm deadline, you will earn half of the points for the exam. The other half will be given to you a few years from now if you have kept the child and brought it up in a safe, non-toxic environment. Yeah, good luck getting full credit on that one. New political science midterms will take on the form of a classic Jeopardy game. Instead of buzzers, every student will be provided with a gavel. If someone gives an answer that another student doesn’t approve of, he or she may object and argue their reason to get a few points. This version of a midterm may last longer than a usual written test, but you guys better get used to it. Some trials last like five months; fortunately for you, professors don’t have that much time to spare. To save them all future embarrassment, all Theater and Music majors should just cut the crap and audition for Broadway or the Chicago Symphony Orchestra in place of midterms. All of you want to be the next breakout star on Glee, but it ain’t happening, unless you have the huge-noise-killer-vocal-chords combo that show loves so much. This new test will let them all know a lot sooner if blowing all this tuition money will really be worth it in the end. Going off of that scent of failure… What can we expect from the future of journalism: continual success or complete elimination? For midterms, students should be randomly assigned one of two outcomes. Half of them will be required to interview at least ten people about political topics that they could not care less about. They will then have to convince the Daily Illini to run their articles, which shouldn’t be that difficult since that paper loves boring, one-sided shit anyway. The other half of students will have to buy a small, one bedroom apartment in the bad part of town while wallowing in their deep student loan debt. This will truly prove if they have what it takes to be a struggling journalist. Extra credit points will be awarded to the students who can quickly secure a job at a location that asks, “Would you like fries with that?” Obviously, this isn’t a comprehensive list. I’m willing to add on a few more before gathering petition signatures and bringing it to the Dean of Students Office. And if any of you are against all of this, take your number two pencils and shove them up your ass.

Pictured: Daily Illini staff writer Nathan Lash, circa 2042.

10 2 5 2 0 1 2 ASSEMBLY HALL

C H A M P A I G N

I L

W W W . G L O W F E S T T O U R . C O M

Illinois Ticket Office at the Assembly Hall Online: UofIassemblyhall.com By phone: 1-866ILLINI-1 ALL AGES

I L L I N O I S #GlowfestIL Facebook.com/glowfest

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERYDAY IN OCTOBER! $3 Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat, $4 Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat 20oz Tap Fridays and Saturdays in October! $3.50 Bud Light 20oz Taps

Saturday Night's Show! ADVENTURE CLUB with DOORLY, MISS A and BORN IN BLOOD

Saturday - PINK PARTY! Free Pink Glowsticks Wear Pink! Special Guest DJ

SATURDAY: Mazzes, 10pm, $5 with Lonely Trailer and The Fights

WED 10/17

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

ANDY GRAMMER with CHRIS WALLACE (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN! (Late Show!) Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 10/18

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

An evening with LEFTOVER SALMON

BOMBS AWAY! $1 BOMBS (Vegas, Cherry, O-Bombs) $2 U CALL IT $3 EVERYTHING ELSE!

Available For Private Parties! Contact us at 217-398-2688 or info@cowboy-monkey.com

FRI 10/19

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

FUTURE ROCK with ZMICK

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson

That's No Moon, 10pm, $5 w/ Thin Gin and The Kickback

SAT 10/20

Open at 8am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $3.50 20oz Bud Light Taps $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

ADVENTURE CLUB with DOORLY, MISS A and BORN IN BLOOD

PINK PARTY! Free Pink Glowsticks Wear Pink! Special Guest DJ

Mazzes, 10pm, $5 w/ Lonely Trailer and The Fights

SUN 10/21

Closed

BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music! $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans! $2 Jack Honey and $3 Jack Daniels!

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MON 10/22

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints, $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

** CLOSED **

$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER

TUES 10/23

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

OPEN DECKS Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull Well Drinks No Cover!

WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka, $2 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage

WED 10/24

$0.15 Wings - 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $3 Shocktop Harvest Wheat Pints $4 Shocktop Harvest Wheat 20oz Taps

THE PIANO MAN! Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas!

$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Monday Night Football: BEARS vs LIONS Win one of two Jerseys! HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm, $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

WED 10/17

Firehaus Bud Mug Night GIANTS vs CARDINALS 3pm $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey, $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Open Mic Wednesdays, $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Come Play! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from Apps 6-8 every day. 1/2 Off (After 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

THURSDAY! Blitzen Trapper - Live! w/ Psychic Twin Doors Open at 8:30pm

Fill out our party inquiry form at joesbrewery.com or call 217-384-1790 to book today!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Inflatable Fights Continues with Foxy Boxing

$3 Strong Islands

THURS 10/18

$5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers, $3 Jack Daniels, $2.50 Three Olives Vodka, $3 SoCo Lime Shots, $3 Three Olives Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles NFL: 49ers vs Seahawks MLB: CARDINALS vs GIANTS 8pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Blitzen Trapper - Live! w/ Psychic Twin Doors Open at 8:30pm

Beer, a Bomb and a Burger $2 Bud Lights $2 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/19

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots GIANTS vs CARDINALS 7pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Coors Light Happy Hour with MLB Postseason on the Big Screen

SAT 10/20

Watch all the College Football Action! LSU vs Texas A&M 11pm Florida vs South Carolina 2:30pm Northwestern vs Nebraska 3pm Specials on Jameson, Jager Bombs and Bud Light Bottles

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA Action at Guido's!

Live DJ Starting at 10pm! Come in for some drinks and dancing!

Now Booking November Birthday Parties! 217-384-1790

SUN 10/21

$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor - Domestic Beer...$2! Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel See every score from every team live! GIANTS vs CARDINALS 3:30pm $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

The Original Sunday Funday with 25% Off Appetizers and $3 22oz Bud Lights

MON 10/22

Monday Night Football: BEARS vs LIONS Win one of two Jerseys! HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm10pm, $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Check out our Burger of the Week! Monday Night Joes Bears vs Lions $2 Sailor Jerry

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

1/2 Price Burgers and $2 Blue Moons Tequila Tuesday & the 8th Grade Dance

OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite NO COVER!

Wednesday Night Inflatable Fights Continues with Foxy Boxing

TUES 10/23 WED 10/24

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm

$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

Monday Night Football! Bears vs Lions! $5 PBR Pitchers, $2 Single Well U-Call Its, $4 Dbl. Well U-Call Its 20% off Any App During the Game (Including Irish Nachos!) Stay for Karaoke following the game!

SATURDAY: Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives $3 Bud Light Platinum

SPECIAL NIGHT

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/17

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots

THURS 10/18

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs

FRI 10/19

$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Three Olives $3 Bud Light Platinum

SAT 10/20

Book your next party or event at Red Lion Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN 10/21

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S Saturday: Absolut DJ Explosion! Featuring DJ EX! 5 DJs, Starting at 6PM $2 Bud Light Cans $4 Absolut and Jameson Drinks $4 Absolut Blue Guys

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s All High Energy featuring DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $2.00 Big Long Islands $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans $2.00 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles $2.00 Jager Bombs

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Come Out Early for Miller Lite Cat Fights Finals! Later: DJ DASH Spins the Night $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Absolut DJ Explosion! Featuring DJ EX! 5 DJs, Starting at 6PM $2 Bud Light Cans $4 Absolut and Jameson Drinks $4 Absolut Blue Guys

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!

$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft

Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football! Bears vs Lions! BIG ASS DRINKS ALLNIGHT! $2 32oz Drafts, $2 Double Soco Drinks $4 Double Jack & Blue Guys Party w/ the Soco Girls Win Jerseys and Prizes!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers

MON 10/22

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Nite Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar! $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Party w/ the Pinnacle Vodka Girls!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge

TUES 10/23

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands CHAMPIONSHIP! $1500 in Cash & Prizes! $2.00 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles, Bud Girls & Giveaways, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks / $3.00 Bombs

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles

LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers

WED 10/24

Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my adventures? Is water and trash included in the rent? I kind of need my own bathroom, can that happen? Is there in-unit laundry for when I "spill" on myself at 3 in the morning? Is there a spot to park my mini-van? Is there for free internet for my Tumblr addiction? Is there enough space for all of my fedoras? Do you have a pool, so I can feel like a fish? Is there free cable for my Here Comes Honey Boo Boo addiction? Is this whole tanning thing free? Is there a late night shuttle for all my

YOU A QUESTION

ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU WANT, BECAUSE THE ANSWER WILL ALWAYS BE THAT THE VILLAGE IS THE PLACE FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

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bartenders of the week Bartender nick-name: Silly J.

Bartender nick-name: Dirty Randy.

Favorite drink: Jim Beam or Jack Daniel’s.

Major: Sexual Engineering.

Major: Aviation.

Favorite Drink: Aborted fetus.

Best sex position: Reverse Cow Girl.

Best sex position: Reverse Bulldozer.

Weirdest place you’ve had sex: The bathroom of a dill pickle factory.

Sexual Preference: Tri-Curious. Sexual Fantasy: An Aryan equestrian.

Best name for a pet bunny: Spaz.

How much money it would take for you to bang Honey Boo Boo’s Mom?: All of Honey Boo Boo’s crowns.

Artist you would want to have a duet with?: Carrie Underwood. Dream super-power: The ability to blow shit up with my mind.

Best character from Family Guy: Consuela.

Blonde, brunette or ginger: Blonde drapes, ginger carpet.

Porn star name: Randy Huevos.

Best song from the 90s: “Baby Got Back.”

jake k. joe's brewery

Best SpongeBob character: Patrick’s rock house. Favorite TV Show: Duck Dynasty. Porn Star Name: Woody StringTown.

the drinking game

BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.

Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.

The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Best name for a pet fish: Pink Motorcycle.

Hugo D. white horse inn

Fake tits or real tits: Bridge tits. Dream celebrity to make a porno with: James Franco and Bridge Tits.

Recipe for Disaster

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

the booze review Booze Review: Pinnacle Melon Vodka | grade: d Overview: Want to know something weird? This flavor of Pinnacle isn’t listed on their website. Or on an even more reliable source’s site: Wikipedia. Why? Is this flavor so absolutely new that The Den got their hands on it before the Wikipedia-updating public? No, it’s because this flavor is just so unbearably awful that Pinnacle is ashamed of spending their resources on creating such a failure. History: All the Pinnacle big wigs were sitting around the conference table in their United States headquarters, trying to decide what delectable flavor to tackle next. With options ranging from cookie dough to cucumber watermelon, they were ready to add a thirty-second flavor to the list, bringing Baskin Robbins to shame. After hours and hours of firing new ideas back and forth, the group finally decided on one: melon. “How could we possibly get this wrong? I mean, it’s a fucking melon. If every other flavoring company out there can do this, why can’t we?” Everyone agreed; melon was a delicious, safe bet. The research team spent a few weeks getting opinions from frequent Pinnacle drinkers about their thoughts on the new melon flavor, and all results came back positive. Yes, the world wanted melon. The chemists went to work on finding the exact melon flavor to mix in their world-class vodka. Research showed that people associated melons with tropical paradises and backyard BBQs, so the chemists landed on the perfect dream melon: the honeydew. A few weeks passed and the concoction was ready. Everyone was so excited about its

release that no taste tests were done, and the product was shipped directly to stores, like a bad film right to DVD. Consumers ate it up immediately, but it only took one sip and everyone was ready to hurl. “Pinnacle Flavor Sends Millions to Hospital” read the cover of the New York Times. It took almost all of Pinnacle’s bank account to cover that one up. Pinnacle sprung into action and removed the melon bottles from all store shelves but forgot The Den in Champaign, Illinois. And so, my friends, this is why we are all graced with its presence. Typical Drinkers: Middle school dropouts, recently-fired Baskin Robbins employees, U of I students, guys that wear “Kiss the Cook!” aprons, and horny female senior citizens. User Comments: “This tastes like my mom’s cucumber melon perfume.” “Fuck this, I’m going to go work for Smirnoff.” “Are you sure this isn’t rubbing alcohol?” “We have all this money for booze, and this is what you pick?” “Fruit, okay. So this has less calories right?” Conclusion: Next time you’re looking for a flavored vodka, I would leave this one on the shelf. There are plenty of other delicious options to choose from, just not this one. Pinnacle usually has some decent stuff, so we’ll let this one slide for now.

Best Mixer: sprite, we guess | Worst Mixer: anything else

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Odyssey of the Marathon Runner

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What costume are you wearing for Halloween? “The magic carpet from Aladdin so that Arabian princesses will ride me.” - Bryan F., Senior

Starting a marathon is like being surrounded by old Greek athletes in the days before steroids and bull shark testosterone made the average Olympian sweat barrels of hay. No one behind the front of the pack looks like Usain Bolt, but on the ten-point scale, most are a seven during the day, eight after a few drinks and dim lighting. The 2012 Chicago Marathon was a cold one, too. For anyone too busy to drive all the way to the early morning strip club across town, just pull up next to Michigan Avenue and watch as the warm up clothes shed away. It can be imagined in slow motion too because that’s how imagination and sensual 80s porn works. The aftereffects result in something a little tighter; everyone waiting to start is ridiculously toned and muscular. Regardless of other assets, anyone who has been seriously training for this day has burned off the beer weight from the summer. A few have managed to slip through the cracks, but it’s America and the law of large numbers applies here as it does everywhere else. Either way, you’ve got a lot of fine pieces of ass to gawk out while waiting to take off. During the run, attention needs to be shifted elsewhere to get the mind off the shin-splinting pain. Coincidentally, long distance running is the equalizer for men’s and women’s athletics, so there is a good chance the opposite sex is merely a few spandex shorts away. It is unknown whether the form-fitting, ass-defining apparel improves a woman’s running experience, but damn, does it look good from behind. Wait, what happened to miles ten through seventeen? All there is to remember: a lot of bouncing. Unfortunately the fantasies have to die down while ducking to a nearby tree to relieve oneself. Champaign police would have a field day handing out overpriced public urination tickets to those stumbling over the sidewalks. Chicago police, who have actual work to do, allow this natural phenomenon to go undisturbed on this glorious occasion, and it’s un-American to not celebrate freedom of public urination. While not everyone has the impatient bladder of a kitten, a percentage of the thirty-seven thousand will relieve themselves throughout the city. The percentage is unknown, but with a base of thirty-seven thousand, it’s a pretty

sizeable number. But then there’s The Wall. It hits somewhere between the seventeenth and twenty-second mile, and continues till the end of the twenty-six point two mile event. It means that a runner cannot stop running. If they do, they will not be able to unlock their legs from the lactic acids cementing their joints into place. It’s a biological protective response in order to prevent the further insanity and harm that will come from this ludicrous “race.” After pushing through to the end and being herded by event crew to keep walking, the endorphins begin to fade away, and the pain gets worse. The details of that trip to Paris with the person connected to the blue and pink spandex you planned out a few miles back will have to wait. How is the pain getting worse when the torturous running has stopped? It’s because the natural painkillers the body has been pumping out are being lifted back, and the finisher begins to understand the pain they were being protected from. At least there are free bananas. Oh, and beer. 312 Urban Wheat Ale gives a toast to the seemingly insane athletes by offering a complimentary beer at the finish line. It’s got carbs and stuff in it, right? At least it’s better than the currently empty stomach that is contemplating the nutritional benefits of an orange rind. People limp by like lepers and wear aluminum foil blankets like rags; everyone is slowly dragging along the street, whipping snot from their noses and holding back vomit. Still, there’s a beer in one hand and someone with a common interest sitting in the grass a few feet away to share it with. The body may be physically unable to perform any sort of hip thrusting if either one of them plays their cards right, but it’s the only party in town, so might as well enjoy it. Days go by and muscles return to their former flabbiness. While pain fades, the medal they give at the end stays forever. If there is one thing for certain, chicks at Kam’s dig guys who wear medals.

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5 Horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too University of Georgia:

Penn State: Betsy Aardsma

Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers

The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have

your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.

Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they

call on another bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil— housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.

California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life.

The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.

Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.

The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could

The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day.

just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of selfsatisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.

The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.

the interview

owen

Owen is the solo project of Chicago-based and University of Illinois grad Mike Kinsella. Known for his soft melodies and complex acoustics, Kinsella is an influential force in the indie scene. His most recent album, Ghost Town, can be downloaded on iTunes or streamed at polyvinylrecords.com. Otherwise, catch him touring the east coast October through December. (Catch him on Twitter @mybandOwen) By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Your first few bands were with your family - a couple with your brother and cousin, what started that? Did you guys start playing when you were little kids? Owen: Oh yeah, my brother is a couple of years older and he started a high school band that practiced in our basement. I would sit upstairs, pick up a guitar and try to play along. Then eventually they realized I could play all their songs, so I joined as second guitar... and then they were the only people I played for the first five years of my career. TBS: You eventually had to take over, because you’re pretty damn good at guitar. Owen: The other guy is actually way better at guitar than I am - Victor Villarreal, and he’s played in multiple bands as well - he’s pretty fantastic. TBS: But you’ve got some pretty intricate guitar tabs and lyrics one must pay attention to, does that call for a more intimate crowd? Do you ever get frustrated with bigger crowds? Owen: Yeah, [laughs] I shouldn’t say this, but it used to bum me out, like depress me. Every so often I’d get crabby and make an asshole remark on stage or something. But I’ll just play my songs for the people trying to pay attention - so I play the best I can for them. TBS: So you’ve moved from recording in a studio, to recording at home, and back to the studio. What did you like about recording at home? Owen: I wanted to learn how to do it, first of all. I think it helped me understand, helped me write songs - to understand the process of recording them. Like putting different layers on top of things, the capabilities of cutting and pasting and looping. But eventually I got too stagnant, and I never got too good at it, so I thought I should probably just pay the professionals. I spent too much time setting up mics and looking for the sound I heard in my head. Someone who knows what they’re doing could do it in their first try. TBS: Are there any songs that work a lot in the studio, but don’t transfer to the live show? Owen: Oh yeah, I mean most of them [laughs], it’s kind of a joke and kind of not - there are a bunch of songs that I never bothered learning after they went on the album, because halfway through the song another guitar or something comes in that completely changes the song - so if we did that live there’s no effect - it’s either not going to be there or not be the same effect. TBS: I saw that you played at Heads And Threads? (Ed. Note: Heads and Threads is a shoddy wig shop in Chicago.) Owen: Oh yeah. TBS: What was that? That is insane. Owen: We were just looking for random places that would make for an interesting setting, and we walked by and saw the heads in there. My buddy went in and asked if it was okay - there were a couple old Asian ladies and they’re like yeah, that’s fine... So I played basically to them, whoever else walked into the store, and a bunch of fake heads. TBS: For your most recent album, Ghost Town, you were married and had just become a father, did that affect the album at all? Owen: Definitely changed the content of the lyrics - instead of talking about failed relationships and pining over girls - it’s more about being in a relationship, and the good things and struggles with that. Having a kid is a total mindfuck, like, a lot of my stuff is faith-based: me struggling with not having a faith, but wanting to have one. You want there to be an afterlife and a purpose to all this, so it definitely changes the content. Like my daughter is going to a Catholic preschool, so she’ll come home and ask things like “Can we sing songs about the father?” She doesn’t really know what that means, so it’s kind of funny. TBS: You’re pretty active on Twitter. How has that changed your relationship with the fans? Owen: I like Twitter; my Facebook page isn’t really me, but my Twitter is. There are some days where I don’t really post anything, then I’ll have a couple beers, watch a movie, and post like a hundred things. It can be a very personal thing, nothing bums me out more than when I follow someone I think highly of, and all they do is try to sell you stuff or promote stuff… And I’ll post when I have a show in different places, but I don’t want to bombard people with that administrative stuff. TBS: So where can people buy shirts and records and stuff? Owen: You can pretty much find everything at polyvinylrecords.com!

the big three

entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.

it’s always sunny in philadelphia thursday, october 18 at 10pm on fx

Season 8’s second episode features Frank (Danny DeVito) concocting a plan to undercut Philly’s tough garbage men’s union so he can get the contract to collect the city’s trash. This may be a worse get-rich-quick scheme than the kitten mittens in season 5, but we’re damn excited to see how it’s not going to work out.

paranormal activity 4 in theaters october 19

The 4th installment of the popular film franchise follows a teenage narrator Alice (Kathryn Newton) and her family. They get some mad creeps when Katie and Hunter (of PA: 2 fame) move in next door. When creepy Katie goes to the hospital, Alice’s mother takes Hunter into the house, where shit predictably goes down in a terrifying way.

Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, M.a.a.d. City in stores october 23

Compton-raised Kendrick Lamar may have a slew of wellreceived mixtapes and EPs under his belt, but his first major label record is the icing on the cake for the up-and-coming hip-hop artist. Collaborating with industry legends like Pharrell and Dr. Dre, Lamar’s much-anticipated album will discuss his life in the infamous city of Compton. Did you know a crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube lives there?

the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you? Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.

8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!

6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.

7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3

9) a=3, b=1, c=2

answer key

5) Who would you go trick-or-treating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.

5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1

3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.

7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.

9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.

3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2

2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.

4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.

1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1

1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huuuuuge joke. b) Everything!!! c) That pranking people was socially acceptable.

9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up

You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.

15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked

An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.

22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old

Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!

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