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Volume 22, Issue 1S
6/13/13 - 7/10/13
Learning to Cope
with Your Internship-less Summer BY: TEX MEX *If you happened to fail landing an internship by your senior year, The Black Sheep offers our condolences, but you have absolutely exhausted any hopeful chance of making something of yourself in life by this point. Instead of following these steps, you may want to consider either an exciting and lucrative career in the custodial arts or grad school. The former pays more. If you’re reading this, then congratulations: You blew it. Despite your consistent clamoring this past semester about all of the internships you planned on simply applying for this spring, you either A.) applied directly on the deadline when the cream of the crop had already been picked or B.) flat-out missed the application deadline altogether. The fact remains that you’re S.O.L. and out of pertinent work experience that would have amounted to so much more than a summer of waiting tables or arguing with divorced middle-aged women in retail. Luckily, it turns out that the five stages of grieving can be applied to more crises than a death in the family or coming to terms with a life-crippling drug addiction! But fear not, hopeless and unwanted dregs of a fast-paced and brutal society that you were just never born to make it in, for it does get better. Even after depressingly watching your friends’ Facebook statuses update with the summer positions that will guarantee them an extended lifetime of happiness, exuberant wealth and prosperity, this step-by-step method on how to cope without an internship may not necessarily ensure a brighter future, but dammit, you’ll be flipping those burgers or babysitting your neighbor’s bratty little shits with dignity!*
Denial
In spite of some fifty emails you’ve been spamming to your internship advisor, you have to realize that you’re sounding like a stuttering parakeet constantly reiterating your “invaluable experiences and expertise” or “strong leadership skills.” This stage in the internship-less summer process often involves calling your projected workplace no less than thrice a day, sitting on your LinkedIn waiting for the opportunity to finally click “save changes,” and telling your friends that you’re “still waiting to hear back from
a few people.” In some of the more extreme cases, these poor souls armed with literally zero chance in life have gone so far as to break into the workplace and start prematurely answering emails and filing itinerary reports before the night cleaning crew can toss them back out onto the street where they belong.
Anger
How dare they overlook the resume that you so meticulously worked on for fifteen minutes before the final application deadline? That cover letter template you googled in less than two minutes was gold and you know it. But 9 times out of 10, the blind fury and anguish that you let simmer after every email back continued on page 13
what's inside page 6
page 7
page 13
Some Jobs Really Suck ... And Then There's This Guy
Guaranteed Regimen for a "Not So Ready Beach Body"
Beach Bummer
How it feels to be an NHL Penalty Box Attendant.
Cheap, resourceful ways too look your best.
Why going to the beach is never as great as it sounds.
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>> Table of Contents << page 5: Reporting on the 2013 Boogie Boarding Regional Championships
>> The competition is intense and full of adolescent fervor.
page 6: The Top Ten: Reasons Why Jury Duty is the Best Thing for an Unemployed Graduate
>> For one, it gets you out of your parents' basement.
page 10: Fun Summer Activities Considered "Bullshit" After Five Minutes on a Bike
>> It's just so damn hot out, man.
page 11: High School Parent Interferes With Summer Sports Camp
6
5 10
>> And tries to live vicariously through his small wiener son.
page 12: Bartenders of the Week
>> Keeping your summer full of "What happened last night?"
page 14: Get to Know Your 2013 Pitchfork Musical Festival Headliners
>> We've got cool infographics!
page 15: Summer Fashion Faux Pas That Should Go On Pause
>> Please, no cargo shorts, ever.
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four
k e e W e h t f Pic o
Dear Editor Person, We're already one-third of the way done with summer and I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile yet. Can you give me some suggestions of things to do so my break isn't just three months of Netflix and sleeping in? Thanks, Summer Fever Dear Loser, First of all, mindless Netflix and all-day naps doesn't really sound like a bad time. I would if I could. But don't worry, you still have enough time to enjoy yourself this summer. The first thing that comes to mind is attending a festival, like Lollapalooza in Chicago. Doesn't matter that it's sold out; you know how many people will be trying to jump the fence? You can do it too! Just blend into the crowd and make sure you can run the fastest ... which brings me to my second idea: Spend some time working out this summer. No doubt you tossed on a few pounds during finals week alone. Dig out Mom's old aerobic tapes and get to work. But no P90X; you don't want to try too hard. My finals suggestion is, oh I don't know ... hang out with friends?! Jeez, man, isn't there anyone you can call up and spend the day with? Your grandma? Your awkward cousin with the overbite? Even if that friend is Jack Daniels or Captain Mo--it's better than nothing! But other than that, I guess I don't blame you if you stay inside. It's hot, sticky, humid. There are bugs. The sun's always out and happy and bright. Yeah, what an awful time of the year. Later, Kitty Kat
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>> Reporting on the << 2013 Boogie Boarding Regional Championships By: Benny Boy “Cowabunga!” is the word of the weekend here at the Mtn Dew™ 2013 Boogie Boarding Regional Championships in Wilmette, Illinois. The tremendous two-foot waves of mighty Lake Michigan are shining with anticipation for the action that is about to take place. Competitors from all over the northern suburbs of Illinois have been training all season for what can only be described as an “f’ing tubular time!” Returning this year is the overwhelming fan favorite Jimmy “Great White” Simmons, who decimated the competition at the 2012 Water Balloon Fight held in Joey D’Agostino’s backyard in early July; Mr. D’Agostino has allegedly beaten Super Mario Sunshine twice. Accompanying Jimmy is Franky “Mr. Radical” McNeal, Michael “Boner Man” Pits, and Nick and Dan Manning. Younger brother Dan Manning was not initially invited to compete but was put on the roster when his mother said that they couldn’t do it unless they let him participate. The first competition of the day was the ceremonial "First One In Is a Rotten Egg," a fan favorite. Simmons dove in head first, winning the competition as the other athletes were not bold enough for this show of bravado, instead tip-toeing in one inch at a time, yelling painfully when the water reached their genitals. The second event was a difficult feat in which each athlete attempted to ride their boogie board like a surf board. However, the event was cancelled when the athletes were yelled at by a lifeguard for inappropriate playing. While the games were initially a bit unorganized, the athletes began to adapt a more professional attitude when the judges Cindy, Katie,
and Amanda showed up to the beach. Although Cindy McShane is currently a seventh grader, it was decided that she is still a viable judge in that she is totally pretty and allegedly smokes cigarettes. The latter fact is to be withheld from Mrs. Simmons at all costs. Franky “Mr. Radical” McNeal had a rather disappointing start when he began his set with little attention from the judges. Although, they may have been applying sunscreen. Following this disappointing showing, Jimmy “Great White” Simmons became the runaway leader when Cindy was seen playing with her hair during his routine.
"The tremendous two-foot waves of mighty Lake Michigan are shining with anticipation." Although the weekend is shaping up to be one of the most memorable Boogie Boarding Championships in recent memory, the competition was initially plagued with problems. If one can remember back to earlier this year, one might recall that the championship was initially going to be held in Newport Beach, California, where Simmons and McNeal were vacationing with the Simmons family. Despite the two athletes pleading with Mrs. Simmons that they were good enough to hold the competition, she was staunch in her opinion that the waves were too big and it had been only 5 minutes, not the required twenty minutes before entering the water since they last ate. “I just don’t know about this, guys,” Mrs. Simmons was quoted as saying.
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“Yeah, that was kind of a bummer,” McNeal recalls, “but I was kind of glad we didn’t have it in California. I really didn’t like the look of those surfer teenagers.” Mrs. Simmons agreed to rescheduling the event to Wilmette Beach in Illinois, but the games were still not totally in the clear. After about five minutes of boogying, Michael “Boner Man” Pits swallowed a big gulp of water on accident. Although the rest of the athletes tried to convince him that the lake wasn’t salt water, Pits still insisted that he felt like he was going to vomit because of the salt. Pits then further insisted that the salt water was giving him a rash and excluded himself from competition for the day. Beyond this and the occasional slimy seaweed scare, things have been smooth sailing. Though the proceedings have been rough, the sea has been bold, and the tide has been in the favor of the competitors. There was a rumor going around that Mrs. Simmons was going to have everybody pack up and leave on Saturday because of the storms coming, but that remains to be seen. As it is, we have a long and exciting weekend of Boogie Boarding coming up. At this moment, Michael “Boner” Pits is still in dead last, as he refuses to get in the water, and Jimmy “Great White” Simmons is far ahead in first place, as it has been rumored that judge Cindy McShane gave him a kiss on the cheek. There is really nothing left to say but “Cowabunga!”
SOme Jobs
The
Top
Really Suck Ten
Reasons Why Jury Duty is the Best Thing for an Unemployed Graduate By: David Rubin
Graduating college can be a liberating milestone, but after only a few weeks of unemployment, the selfdoubt starts to set in. While jury duty is chosen at random, here are plenty of reasons why you want to be legally mandated to show up at your local courthouse. 10.) Lawyers Don’t Ask About Your Plans After College: Unlike your family, neighbors, or even close friends, these lawyers aren’t going to ask about your indefinite five-year plan. Instead, they’ll ask if you’ve ever been involved in a crime, allowing you to reminisce on that time you got jumped by that wild pack of twelve-year-olds. 9.) You Can Watch The Price is Right in Great Company: One of the best reasons to be up early is to watch Drew Carey do his thing. To top it off, it brightens up your morning to see a room full of unhappy people collectively enjoy an episode of The Price is Right. You better enjoy watching Plinko, because it’ll be the happiest moment of your monotonous day. 8.) You Can Tour Lesser-Known Spots Around Chicago: If you live in Cook County, you’re fortunate enough to live in the largest circuit court in Illinois. Jury duty will allow you to tour the fine city of Maywood or the Daley Center, giving you ample time to count how many teardrop tattoos you can spot at the courthouse.
... and then there's this guy.
7.) Learn to Keep Yourself Busy Without a Cell Phone: With the strict no cell phone policy in the courthouses, they do a great job of cracking down on your need to tweet your frustration out to your whopping 56 followers.
By: Scotty g What's the worst job in the world? Obviously, it's cleaning out porta potties after an outdoor music festival, but besides that, it has to be an NHL Penalty Box Attendant. Here's the job description of the official who spends all game sitting in the penalty box: - Open the penalty box door to let in players who have been penalized. (Anyone can do that.) - Give said player a warning 20 seconds before his penalty is over. (That’s easy, c'mon.) - Count down the final 10 seconds of the penalty. (Elementary level stuff.) - Open the door to let the player out. (No problem!) - Do evasive maneuvers to survive spending two minutes locked in a cage with a man who just committed an act that was deemed “too violent” for hockey, a sport in which blindsiding a man in a top-speed, head-on collision while yelling, “HAIL SATAN!” is legal. (Maybe McDonald’s is still hiring...) What’s it like to be a penalty box attendant? Let’s dive in headfirst and find out. Warning: Concussions are rampant, and no, you can’t wear a helmet. Hopefully you like a work environment where obese men shout obscenities and throw octopuses (yes, octopuses) at amped alpha-males to the tune of “Welcome to the Jungle.” Most of the time being a penalty box attendant is great. You get to sit in a private front row seat to watch some of the best athletes in the world perform breathtaking feats of speed, strength, and skill. Then a toothless Slovakian elbows his man so hard that he’s unconscious before he hits the ice. Looks like you just got a new cellmate best friend! As he skates towards you, cursing at the refs in his native tongue, your job requires you to open the door and then lock him in the tight corners with you. Suddenly, being a meter maid doesn't seem like such a bad career move. This is a totally unique shift. Imagine you were at home, watching Planet Earth. You slowly lose yourself in the majesty of our world's wildlife and
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David Attenborough’s warm narration, when all of a sudden, a whistle blows, and you find yourself spending 120 seconds in the Roman Coliseum fighting a lion who just got put in a timeout for slashing. You could also imagine being Peter Parker in Spider-Man. He gets into a cage match for three minutes with a crazed wrestler named Bonesaw, and he's goin' nowhere. They're basically the same scenario, except in hockey, the cage is way smaller, and the penalty box attendant lacks superpowers, Kirsten Dunst, and the ability to reboot his broken body into Andrew Garfield 10 years later. But sitting next to a convicted cross-checker isn't the only hard part. Keith Wilisky, a real life penalty box attendant, said this in an interview with Brenda Branswell on HockeyRefs.com (shockingly, that's a real source): "Some players will ask, 'What did you think of the penalty?' Obviously, we have to support the referee. We work for the league, after all." That's just cruel. These off-ice officials already have to share their workspace with serial slashers and large chargers, but Wilisky is saying that's not enough. If one of these furious fighters complains and asks his opinion, he has to look him straight in his murderous eyes and say, "You're wrong." But don't worry, we’re sure the adrenalinefilled goon won't take out his anger on you. At least he's not armed with a long weapon capable of causing blunt force trauma while wearing two large, recently sharpened blades. Oh Wilisky, why couldn't you have just been a migrant farmer? Lest we forget, there is one more responsibility of the awful attendant. Take it away, Keith! “We’re responsible for the pucks,” he said. “We have to put a new puck in play at every TV timeout or, obviously, if one goes in the stands.” Ah, yes. The pucks. We guess it's not such a bad job after all. It combines the tedious underappreciation of a busboy with the danger of being the “tester of food poison” for a hated king. Good luck!
6.) You’ll Get Free Lunch: A defining college mindset is that anywhere there’s free food or alcohol involved, that activity is immediately bumped to the top of the to-do list. If you get picked for a jury, plan on getting some free midday meals out of it. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to leave the beer at home. 5.) You Can Think of a Way to Get Out of It: Thinking of ways to blow off jury duty is the most fun there is. Try wearing ripped clothing and put body paint on yourself so it looks like you just lit yourself on fire in the parking lot. Or, use your rapier wit and immediately start shouting racial epithets as soon as you walk in the building.
4.) You’ll Get a Taste of Rush Hour: Inevitably, you’ll find a job someday and will experience the agony that is the Kennedy “Express” Way. Jury duty will be a good way to practice some of your offensive driving skills as you curse your way down to the courthouse. 3.) You’re Given a Sense of Value in Society: You may have just wanted to unwind after your last year of college, but eventually, you’ll start to question what you should do for a living. Jury duty will give you the opportunity to mull over whether you’d like to pursue a career in law, but you’ll quickly turn around after the idea of more school induces a panic attack. 2.) You Get Paid $17.20 Per Day: When you’re unemployed, it’s tough seeing your bank account dip below zero. But with jury duty, the state of Illinois is generous enough to pay you over seventeen dollars a day to watch Wayne Brady’s senseless new game show. This pay grade should give you a brief feeling of independence before you drive back to your parents’ house. 1.) It’s Just Something to Do: More than anything, when you’re not gulping down alcohol with your friends, trying to relive the last four years, the summer can be very boring. Jury duty may be tedious, but at least you’re getting out of the house.
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Guaranteed regimen for a “Not So Ready Beach Body” By:Jecky Bacobs Torture is not a new concept. The Middle Ages had the iron maiden. The American colonies had witch burnings. The modern college student has bathing suit season. Prepping for summer and swimsuits won’t be completely pain free, but at the minimum your wallet will hurt a lot less with these unconventional methods. Consider the options: Call in the next four minutes with your credit card to buy the weight loss and hair removal product on the television screen for the low price of five installments of $19.99, or go along with the half-assed, cheap ways from the world’s most trusted paper, The Black Sheep? Yeah, we thought so. Shaving your legs wouldn’t be as terrible if the accidental cuts from shaving were guaranteed to result in a blood transfusion that saved a life. While that’s not possible, couches covered in plastic are. Sit down on the plastic-covered couch and let those sweaty, hairy legs become one with the plastic. Wait for the ice cream truck to go by, bolt up, and comfort the pain you feel with those hairs being ripped out with the knowledge that your legs are now as smooth as a baby’s bottom without even having to use a razor. Side note: This method also works great on the leather car seats in daddy’s convertible. Men, focus less on leg hair and answer this: What looks and feels like a peach? That’s right, your face. But as summer goes on, your facial hair just might start to grow faster than that beer gut you’ve been working on. Welcome to manhood, but also welcome to women complaining about the scruff. The one-night stands are not leaving early the next
morning to have lunch with their mother; they’re racing home to cover up a face that now looks like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer got the chicken pox from a hooker with shingles. Solution: Be even more obnoxious with the facial hair when getting busy, and you’ll have less work to do later on. Your idea of getting revenge is drawing a penis on a person’s forehead while they’re asleep, women may resort to shaving your stubble while you’re in a slumber. It’s a win-win situation. Your face is now all nice and smooth, and you didn’t have to lift a finger! All the single ladies, don’t feel forgotten. There are still nails to attend to. Face it, painting nails usually results in more paint on the skin than on the nail. Feel like less of a failure and do that exact thing on purpose while you finish much faster. Grab the shot ski, fill each glass with a desired color, flip it over to coat the nails/hand/table/carpet, and voila! Removing the nail polish is just as easy but involves impeccably horrendous hygiene. Quit brushing your teeth. Those measly minutes spent brushing can be used blowing your not-so-minty breath on your nails. This breath, enhanced by booze and late-night garlic bread sticks, is just acidic enough to remove the spilt nail polish, saving you both time and cotton balls. Appendages aren’t all that need prepping. There’s hair on the head and lots of it. Not everyone can pull off the Bruce Willis look to beat the heat, so instead go for classic beach waves this summer. It’s as simple as reading a shampoo bottle! Step one, dampen hair. Step two, rinse and repeat. Step three, turn a fan on full blast directly at your head while sleeping. For best results, rub salt in your hair before bed for an authentic
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feel. It may not be loose beach waves, but it sure is beach-blown, troll doll hair, and we have a feeling that’s totally going to be “in” real soon. There’s still one problem though: all that jiggle around things that wiggle. The wiggle is thanks to the lovely, accumulated takeout food over the past school year. Remember those garlic bread sticks? The best way to counteract the wiggling is with more jiggling! Use the idea behind those obscene Shake Weights in every aspect of your life. Milk curdles sinking to the bottom of the carton? Shake it! Booty call coming over tonight? Shake… their hand! Shake what your mother gave ya when she risked her potential body builder physique for your existence. Really, shake anything. It can’t hurt, and it’s less bothersome than eating rice cakes and pretending to enjoy running. Let’s face it. Beach bodies are the Fountain of Youth of summer, completely unattainable yet definitely desirable. This is the time in your life where your body should be at its peak, “should” being the key word. Still, university students can give bikini ready bodies the old college try. Try as you might, at least there’s a cheap way to go about it.
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Friday & Saturday! $1 Wells. $1 Cherry and O Bombs $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $2 Jager Bombs $2 Three Olives Vodka Mixers (Friday) Bacardi Mixers (Saturday) $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
TUESDAY! WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
6/15: Sponsored by WWHP 98.3 Duke Robillard $10, 9:30pm
Firehaus YARD SALE! Saturday, June 15th from 2pm-7pm Firehaus Beer Garden! Cheap Prices on Package Liquor, Plus Glassware, Signs & More!
THURS.
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 UV Vodka Mixers $3 Longs Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers
Clybourne is Closed Go to Red Lion for SHACKER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $3 24oz Shackers $2 Fireball Shots
6/13: Soap, $5, 10pm w/ Abnormous
6/13: NBA Finals Heat vs Spurs 8pm $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers Half Price Whiskey $2 Wells
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
FRI.
$1 Wells. $1 Cherry and O Bombs $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $2 Jager Bombs $2 Three Olives Vodka Mixers (Friday) Bacardi Mixers (Saturday) $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
DOLLAR NIGHT! $1 WELLS $3 Top Shelf U Call It Every Liquor Every Beer ....$3!
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$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $3 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey $3 Vegas Bombs
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
SAT.
$1 Wells. $1 Cherry and O Bombs $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $2 Jager Bombs $2 Three Olives Vodka Mixers (Friday) Bacardi Mixers (Saturday) $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
Club GLO $1 WELLS $3 Top Shelf U Call It Free Glowsticks
6/15: Sponsored by WWHP 98.3 Duke Robillard $10, 9:30pm
6/15: Stanley Cup Finals -Gm 2 Blackhawks vs Bruins 7pm Red Beer on Tap! $6 Red Bud Light Pitchers $6 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Vegas Bombs
Catch all the MLB, NHL and NBA Action at Guido's!
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$2 Sundays! 6/16: Heat vs Spurs - 7pm
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
MON.
$2 UV Vodka Mixers, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Micro Bottles $2 Shot List: Carmel Apple, Kamikaze, Jolly Rancher, Buttery Nipple, Dirty Girl Scout, and Melon Ball
Closed Go to Red Lion for $1 Wells, $2 Captain Morgan
Retro Monday - FREE, 10pm DJ Mingram returns! $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Wells
6/17: BEACH WEEK BEGINS! Blackhawks vs Bruins 7pm Red Beer on Tap! Fish Races After the Hawks! WIN A JAGER TAP MACHINE! plus Pop Culture Trivia Begins
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
TUES.
Brothers Beer Club Night $2 Domestic and Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Wells $2 Shot of the Week
WINE NIGHT! $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
6/18: Beach Week Continues! BEACH Bags Tournament! Win Big Prizes!! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm, Half Price Sharkbowls, $2 Wells
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
WED.
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Wing Ding $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs
Closed Go to Red Lion for Bucket Night!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
6/19: Blackhawks vs Bruins 7pm! Red Beer On Tap!! After the game Beach Week BURIED TREASURE! Over $500 in Prizes! Grand Prize $250 Visa Gift Card!
FRIDAY:
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
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$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
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$5.50 Chicken Teriyaki Sandwhich with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, $2 Pinnacle Flavor Vodka shots, $2 Bacardi flavor mixers, $4 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles, $6.50 Pitchers Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt
Shacker Night! $3 Shackers 24oz $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 UV Vodka $2 Fireball Shots
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
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$5.50 Bacon Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Killians, Third Shift, Leinies, Shock Top, Mich Amber Bock, $6.50 Pitchers Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout & Batch 19, $2 Dr. & Orchata shots, $2 Skyy Vodka single mixers, $4 Wild Turkey Doubles
Open at 5pm! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett’s Vodka $3 Jager Bombs $2 Wells
FRI.
$2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mega Mushroom Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $6.50 Pitchers Killians, Leinies, Third Shift, Shock Top & Mich Amber Boch, $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout & Batch 19, $2 Pinnacle Flavor Vodka shots, $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey single mixers, $4 Bacardi Flavor Doubles
FOAM PARTY! in the Beer Garden Only! Special Guest DJ! $2 Wells $3 Frozen Drinks $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Light Platinum
SAT.
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SUN.
$1 WELLS $2 Captain Morgan
MON.
$6 Summer Shandy Pitchers, $2 Red Headed Sluts
FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
SUNDAYS! Free Fresh Cut Fries with any Burger, Sandwich, or Wrap | $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, $1.75 Pints Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $1.50 Burst Shots, $1.75 Pinnacle Vodka single Mixers, $3.50 Jim Beam Doubles
THURS.
$2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs, $2 Lime-a-ritas/Straw-be-ritas
KAM'S
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers, $2 Jager Barrels
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
GREEK REUNION Saturday, July 13th Outdoor Tent Party and Waterslide! Live Dj's All Day! Twitter @RedLionUofI
SPECIAL NIGHT
Come in on Tuesday - Thursday between 10:30 - 11:30 to enter our raffle! We're giving away tons of bar swag; signs, coolers, baseball and concert tickets and more! We draw the winner at 1am, must be present to win.
(217) 353.6800 / villagecp.com
Special Night
DOWNTOWN
Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!
$2 Bud Platinum Bottles, $2 Ice Picks
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Blue Moon and Blue Moon Seasonal $4.50 Hamms & PBR Pitchers $1.50 Burst Shots, $1.75 Well Mixers, $3.50 Long Island Ice Tea
$2 Blue Moon, $2 Tequila Come in between 10:30 - 11:30 to enter our raffle! We're giving away tons of bar swag; signs, coolers, baseball and concert tickets and more! We draw the winner at 1am, must be present to win.
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Tequila Tuesday! $2 Shots & Margaritas! Plus $2 U Call Its Everyday (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mushroom Cheesburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 16oz Shlitz, PBR & Old Style Tall Boy Cans $3 Pints Guinness, Smithwicks & Bells Oberon, $1.50 Burst Shots $1.75 Skyy Vodka Flavor Mixers $3.50 Wild Turkey Whiskey Doubles
Wine Night Pre-Game! Open 6:30pm-10:30pm Only! We're Grilling Out! $1 SHOTS, $2 WELLS $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers Then off to Cly's for WINE NIGHT!
TUES.
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Pitcher Night: $4 Pitchers or Beer & Lime Ritas! Plus $2 U Call Its Everyday (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mega Bacon Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries Logo Glass Day (TBA) $2 Dr. & Orchata shots $1.75 Pinnacle vodka flavor mixers, $3.75 Jim Beam Doubles $4.50 Pitchers Hamms & PBR
$4 Pinnacle Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Wells
WED.
$2 Redd's, $2 Fireball | Come in between 10:30 - 11:30 to enter our raffle! We're giving away tons of bar swag; signs, coolers, baseball and concert tickets and more! We draw the winner at 1am, must be present to win.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Fun Summer Activities Considered “Bullshit” By Student After Five Minutes on a Bike
Local student Sam Giannoni found summer to be “fucking bullshit” after riding two blocks down the street on his bike this evening. “It's like, it looks so fun outside, and then it's just so hot, and I'm so tired. Goddamn," Giannoni said after walking back home disappointed. Giannoni said he has been planning his activities for the summer since 2013 came around.
By: Jupiter Stevens
"You know, as soon as it snowed once or twice, I couldn't help but start working on coming up with things to do over the summer,” he said. After being reminded how agonizingly hot the sun really is after riding his bike for five minutes, the eager 19-year-old says that his future summer plans are in jeopardy. "I was really excited to go to the beach this weekend, but Jesus, even the ground burns your body at that place,” he said. "Maybe I'll just stay in the air conditioning and watch Netflix or something.” Giannoni's friends, who remained outside riding bikes after he stormed inside in disgust, said that he’s the type of kid to get excited about the weather when it begins to change, only to complain about it when it finally arrives. One friend, Kris Lupel, said Giannoni's anticipation for the coming of fall has become more and more troubling as the years go on. “He buys these dumb sweaters, sometimes wool with little pumpkins on them,” Lupel said. "He puts on the sweaters for like five minutes then says they itch and hangs them in his closet. I mean, what the fuck? Last year, I even found him standing in the backyard dressed as a scarecrow.” Giannoni admitted that his high expectations for coming seasons have started to become an issue. "This summer, I bought an umbrella that you can wear on your head like a hat,” Giannoni said. "I...I don't even know what to do with that…”The unfashionable umbrella, along with three unopened boxes of candy canes and a couple of Valentine's Day cards are now parts of the cushion that Giannoni built in his bedroom closet for his dirty laundry. However, the local student said one positive thing came from his
exhausting trek down the block. “It really made me realize I cannot wait for Christmas,” Giannoni said as he scrolled through boxes of gingerbread cookies on Amazon. “That shit is going to be SO tight. Imagine all the decorations and all of that awesome Christmas music, that never gets old!” Friends followed up his comment by saying that Giannoni became so frustrated after one week of Christmas music that he ended up physically destroying his car stereo last December. Two weeks into the summer season Giannoni is already finding himself in a sweat of anticipation, waiting on pins and needles for the weather to cool off, but he notes that, “You can never know what could happen during the summer months. I mean, maybe this summer will come around and I can find some fun stuff to do,” Giannoni shrugged. “I can always go camping. Roughing it in the nature never goes wrong, and no one ever complains about being cold and wet or anything.” Lupel again countered this statement, as he emotionally relived what is now referred to as the “Two Week Camping Trip from Hell,” during which Giannoni resorted to eating live bait after failing to start a campfire for two straight nights. “Every second it was, 'I'm cold, I'm tired, it smells,'” Lupel said. “He started to make a list of things he hated about camping on our toilet paper. We had to use leaves and empty potato chip bags because he scribbled on every last square. Have you ever had salty poison ivy on your butthole? It sucks.” Giannoni eventually agreed that he disliked camping, but claimed, “It will probably be better next time and nothing will go wrong! Just like summer!” Walking up to his house in a pair of sandals and a t-shirt with a cartoon body in a swimsuit printed on it, Giannoni promised that this time was just a fluke. “I just can't imagine anything going wrong in the summertime,” he said as he trudged into his home after his failed biking expedition. “It's perfect!”
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10
multiple locations near the Quad, Green st. & urbana
High School Parent Interferes With Summer Sports Camp
on the Streets
What is your biggest goal for the summer? ior Allison, Jun
By: Kitty Kat
Police were called to the foot-
ball field at Champaign Central High School last week to investigate reports of an irate parent on the scene. After attempting to cooperate with the man himself, Varsity Football Coach Ed McGuire phoned authorities after the man started threatening to hang the coach from the field goal posts. "According to Coach McGuire, this wasn't the man's first appearance at the school. The summer football camp has been going on since June 3, and the man has shown up every day since, each time violently asking for the same thing — that his incoming freshman son be placed on the varsity team." The camp, originally meant to be a “hushhush” practice session to avoid violating IHSA rules, was mainly open to returning football players and coach-sought prospects. How Fillmore even found out about the camp is a mystery in itself. “I got a lot of feelers out there,” he whispered. “I’ve heard a lot of people talking.”
Ted Fillmore, or "Tommy's crazy dad" as the camp attendees call him, has been pestering Coach McGuire since early February about his son's athletic abilities. Even though Tommy is only 5'3" and a measly 130 pounds, Fillmore believes his son is capable of great things on the football field, especially as the team’s starting quarterback because of his “great speed” and “quick critical thinking skills.” "I've coached Tommy since he was six years old and in peewee football. Taught the kid everything I know, like how not to double dribble and how to throw a Hail Mary in a suicide bunt situation. I’m also a regular with my buddy’s fantasy football league and after religiously following the Bears with my old man growing up, you can bet your ass that I know a lot about the game," Fillmore bragged. It was later discovered that Fillmore had no actual hands-on football experience himself, meaning he never played for his own high school team. Instead, he spent most of his time after school reciting lines for the school’s production of Bye Bye Birdie. Coach McGuire rolled his eyes upon hearing Fillmore's comment. "This guy must be fucking blind. His kid can't catch a pass, he underhands every throw, and can't run the length of the field without stopping to stretch out his calves or check if his shoes
“To become a regular at Illini Inn.”
ior Bridget, Jun are tied. He tried getting out of practice the other day by saying his doctor told him he had a severe contusion—which we all know is just a fancy name for a bruise. The kid's a total puss." Throughout the whole ordeal, Tommy seemed unfazed by his father’s outbursts and the snickering of the other players. Sitting down at the far endzone, fiddling with the grass. "I just want to be a mathlete," he whispered. Coach McGuire went on to explain just what he's had to put up with over the past few weeks. "Fillmore has been dropping his son off an hour early at camp each day, going over what he calls "drills” with him before the rest of us arrive. I heard him say when we start doing three-a-days that he's just going to set up a tent on the baseball field so Tommy really gets to 'immerse himself in the game.’” "And when he isn't making his limp wiener son skip laps around the field, he's in my face, begging me to give his son a starting spot on varsity, showing me Tommy’s most recent headshots and middle school transcript. The kid would be lucky to even be picked as the tennis team’s water boy for crying out loud." A collection of camp attendees shared with authorities the different tactics Fillmore has used to bring his son to the coach's attention. Fillmore supposedly didn't just work on making his son look good; he also put a lot of time and effort into making the other kids look bad.
"I'll be starting QB this year and Tommy's dad knows it," one anonymous senior stated. "He's been going to great lengths to get me off the team. It started with him photoshopping a picture of me at ‘my little sister's graduation party’ with a red cup in my hand. I don’t even have a sister! Then he planted a dimebag of pot in my dufflebag. He even brought an iron rod to camp last Friday and tried taking me out at the knees while we ran sprints. This guy is ridiculous." When asked about these accusations, Fillmore just rolled his eyes. "What can I say? I'm a passionate man. I care about my kid and his future. I'll do whatever it takes for him to be successful." His eyes narrowed and brow furrowed, "Whatever. It. Takes."
“To eat Drew’s Pizza on top of Foellinger.”
r Jared, Junio
To keep Fillmore and his son from returning to the camp, Champaign police requested that Coach McGuire run a short scrimmage game and put Tommy in as running back. After fumbling an easy hand-off and running as fast as his girly legs could carry him, Tommy was pummeled by junior linebacker Troy Evans. Tommy was rushed to Carle Hospital, where he is currently recovering from two broken ribs, a punctured lung and a small dick—presumably from an unrelated accident. Mr. Fillmore, however, still seems hopeful for his son and already has plans to get him back on the field as soon as he’s released.
“Bitches.”
11
Bartenders of the Week Bartender Nickname: J-Hell
Bartender Nickname: Fizbo
Relationship Status: Taken
Relationship Status: I love love
Favorite Drink: Whiskey ginger
Favorite Drink: Ocean Spray cran-grape juice
TV Character You Want to Be: Blair from Gossip Girl
Favorite Drunk Food: ‘Za Craziest Place You’ve Had Sex: College
Favorite Drunk Food: Jimmy John’s
Names of Your Boobs: Glinda the Good Witch and Lil’ Wayne
Favorite Sex Position: Reverse cowgirl Dream Vacation: Maldives
Jordan of
White Horse Inn
Celeb Crush: Ry Reyn Biggest Turn-On: SportsCenter Biggest Turn-Off: Body odor
Drinking Game
Katie of
The Red Lion
Secret Fantasy: One that includes a bucket of ice, a 9 iron, and a buffalo (alive or stuffed… preferably stuffed) Biggest Turn-On: Soccer players and skateboarders Biggest Turn-Off: Delts
Recipe for disaster
Beach Ball Roulette
Summer Kabobs
Turn a day at the beach into a big sandy shit-show in no time at all! It doesn't require too much effort, just a strong liver.
Summertime is all about grilling and drinking, and it only gets better when you do them together--responsibly, of course. Toss on your bikini or trunks and take this recipe outside.
What You'll Need: Two beach balls, a permanent marker, beer, hard alcohol, and shot glasses Number of Players: No more than 8, unless you want to make teams Level of Intoxication: Are your trunks wet or did you just piss yourself?
What You'll Need: A grill, kabob skewers, vegetables (bell peppers, onions, cherry tomatoes), meat (steak and shrimp, duh!), tequila, lime juice, olive oil and cilantro Cook Time: A few hours Fatty Factor: The tequila will make you drunkenly eat food a lot worse than this food.
How to Play - Blow up both of your beach balls (don't pass out). - Write one person's name on each colored section of one of the beach balls. If you have more people than sections, break up into teams and write those names down instead. - On the other beach ball, write a different drinking punishment in each colored section. For example: "Take a shot," "Shotgun a beer," or "Give a shot to someone else." - Have one person take the beach ball with names and flip it up in the air as high as they can. - The person has to catch the ball; if they don't they have to chug a few seconds of beer before tossing it again. - When the ball is caught, whichever name is on top is the person who has to toss and catch the drink-demand ball. Once again, if they miss the ball, they have to chug and toss it again. - Whatever drink demand is on top when the ball is caught must be followed through with. - Whoever just drank then starts the game over by tossing up the name ball and picking the next victim. The Game Ends When: You're out of drinks or the cops give you a ticket for having glass bottles on the beach.
Let's Get Baked - Start by chopping up your meat into small chunks and throw them in a plastic bag. - Mix together one cup of lime juice, 2 tablespoons of cilantro, 1 tablespoon of olive oil and add as much tequila as you can stand for the marinade. - Pour the marinade into the bag of meat and toss to coat. Don't be afraid to make more if it's not enough to thoroughly cover everything. - Zip up the bag of meat and let the juices soak in for at least an hour. - Fire up the grill and chop the vegetables while you wait for it to get hot. Don't cut them too small or they'll slide right off your skewers. - Get out your meat bag and thread the meat and veggies onto the kabob skewers, alternating between them. - Toss those puppies on the grill. Brush another batch of marinade on top if you want. - Cook 'em all the way through and then dig in.
The rules are pretty relaxed and you'll get a little lazy, so if you want to stop and just drink for the fun of it ... that's fine with us too, quitter.
Next time, try it with some Corona instead of tequila or a bottle of sangria.
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Continued from the cover saying, “Thank you for your consideration” or “Unfortunately, all of our positions have been filled” is irrevocably unhealthy to accumulate. Especially considering the plausible fact that all of your cooler, tremendously more successful friends are all making connections, placing their feet in doors, and taking on more bitch work than an orthodontic receptionist, it’s easy to succumb to your anger and take it out on everyone but yourself. Because with you being “the perfect candidate” and all that, there’s really not that much you could have done wrong here.
Bargaining
If you’ve made it this far in the process without running into secluded hermitage, then hip-hiphooray, for you’ve made it to the least important and effective step in grieving the internship you so carelessly let slip away from your grasp like every room-temperature stick of butter you’ve ever attempted to grab in your life. This is basically just the step where people start doing things like praying to God, saying things like, “If I land this internship, I SWEAR I will drink less/call my dad/file my taxes, etc.” But seeing as that statistics show that 95% of people who miss out on an internship convert to gnostic atheism shortly thereafter, we both know that God isn’t going to have any entrylevel account managing position beyond the pearly gates either.
Depression
Thinking that you’re in the clear and ready to understand that life really isn’t that bad after losing a job opportunity? You’re sadly mistaken, since it is impossible to accept anything grief-worthy without a heaping dose of spiraling depression. The best manner in handling the Sad Sally process is to sit yourself down in a quiet room, take a deep breath, empty your mind, and immediately fill it with every single failure imaginable. When you slipped and fell on the lane at that preschool bowling party? Utterly embarrassing, and your 4-5 year-old classmates are still snickering over it to this day. Getting rejected to homecoming? Your once-prospective date still preemptively considers you well-inept intimately. Toss on the fact that people in the job market looked at your qualifications and achievements and flat-out said, “Aha…no,” and shot a two-pointer with your application into the wastebasket, and you’ll have something to cry about for a good week or two.
Acceptance
After your world has ended and every last gallon of spilled milk has been cried over, you’re finally ready to accept that, from this point onward, your life has no meaning other than the minimum wage summer job that you’ve come crawling back to. Once you face the uncomfortable truth that you simply weren’t destined to work any sort of job that requires a college degree, you can begin appreciating the smaller, less-refined things in life again. Instead of heading downtown to work an unpaid 9-to-5, try heading to a music festival or a day at the beach. Rather than going out-of-state to experience the paperwork you’d likely be dealing with for the next 30 years of your life, try going on a vacation with other deadbeat internship-less friends (if any still exist). It’ll be a summer of
horrible compromises but for the next three months just try and make the best of your loss. Maybe you weren’t born to be a star, but a flickering half-dead Christmas light isn’t half bad either! The path to accepting and moving past the fact that the past 20 odd years of your life have amounted to less significance than that of a house fly’s 30-day life span is never easy to traverse. In just a few short weeks, your parents will quickly transition your placement as their “Oh! He’s doing fantastic!” child to their “Oh … right … her…” child. If you’re an only child, they’ll probably just disregard your internship-less joke of an existence altogether (wouldn’t you?). But among the other sad sacks of the natural universe, you all combine to form an emotionally strong but laughably unemployable bond together. Whether your next step is to wail about the $100k you wasted on your fruitless education or to take a stab at living in the wilderness while passing it off as "performance art" is entirely up to you. Of all the unique snowflakes in the world, yours barely precipitated, but luckily for you, the odd jobs you have lined up for the rest of your life won’t require any uniqueness whatsoever!
Beach r e m Bum deer By: Rein
Games
The beginning of summer always has people gearing up for their first trip to the lovely, sandy shoals of a beautiful lake or ocean with their friends. These beach trips bring up memories of a simpler time, before you had to worry about student loans and getting to that piece-of-shit job. However, people forget that a beach is a lot like a vagina — It can be ruined by crabs and a lot of other people getting there first. In that respect Lake Michigan is no different. Chicago summers are brutal. After battling an entire retooling of every major highway, chances are that Chicago has turned into Hell on Earth with a 110-degree heat index by the time you get to the beach of your choice. While this may seem like the perfect time to go cool off in the water, every one of the three and half million Chicagoland residents had the same idea. This means that every square inch of that shitty beach will be covered with deep-dish lovin’ Chicagoans and bratty suburban kids. And on the off chance you do happen to find a spot on the beach to post up, the sun and the sand will end up cooking your ass into a human hot dog faster than you can say “weiner,” because that’s always fun to say. The creeps around you on the shore also have other plans up their sleeve to make your vacation day absolutely miserable. You may be thinking to yourself, “Oh, but there are a ton of hot barely legal girls at the beach who are basically naked. How could it be so bad?” You know who else is basically naked? Those 200-pound Cuban grandmothers who still think it is all right for them to wear thongs on public beaches. You know, the ones who sit next to you and ask for help with applying lotion on the sun-dried strips of leather they call skin. The image of sand clinging for dear life to that lady’s saggy down-there parts will be seared forever into your mind, ensuring that you will never be able to get fully aroused again. The best part of any beach trip is drinking enough to test the durability of your liver. Beaches can even ruin that, and that’s a damn shame. A couple beers in, and every three minutes you have to run into Lake Michigan to discretely piss next to a family because God knows you can’t use the beach bathrooms. Homeless people fuck in there! Then, out of nowhere, some little shitbag 10-year-old runs past you and kicks sand into your Solo cup full of Coors (damn the no glass bottle rule!). After chasing him down and
giving the child a good reaming, his negligent mother confronts you. The woman who just moments ago gave zero fucks as her child got pulled out by the undertow and had to be saved by the lifeguard with nose lotion and acne is now all up in your grill for yelling at her kid. By now, the police get involved and see that you have been drinking quite heavily. In effect, the little spawn of Satan has earned you, at best, a hefty fine for open container and, at worst, a trip to prison where a very large man can and will take your anal cherry. Speaking of dirty places, it’s funny that Chicago beaches are considered beautiful at a distance. Somehow, the broken bottles, fish skeletons, and chicken wings all combine into some sort of avant-garde art piece from afar. But on the actual beach, that drug addict's heroin needle will give you a fine dose of hepatitis when you unwittingly step on it. If your ultimate goal is getting more days off work, then visiting a Chicago beach is a great idea, as the E. coli you catch will surely get you a good stay in the emergency ward. Violently tossing up your intestines is still better than work, right? Just remember, your beach trip will never end up as successful as you want it to be. That is, unless you consider finding sand in your inner ear and ass crack for the next month and a half a memorable experience. Beaches are more trouble than they’re worth. Why go out and get sunburned next to the homeless when you can stay inside and rewatch Arrested Development for the fifth time?
Get to know your 2013 Pitchfork music festival headliners
Head Bobbin'
Color code:
Sex About to Happen
Bjork I JUST SAW SAVAGES WTF IS GOING ON?!?? 5%
Robatussin 8%
r.kelly
Ketamine 14%
Charming 15%
Apparel at the r.kelly show
Raincoat 33%
Chill 34%
Space Jam Jersey 45%
Mellow 20%
Weed 70%
Lax 26% Whatever's in the Closet 13%
infographic:
=
non-headliners
Solange
headliners
=
in terms of
General Confusion
Belle & Sebastian
Vibes at the belle & Sebastian show
Drugs at the bjork show Absinthe Salvia 2% 6%
Sex Happening
... and you will know us by the trail of dead
= M.I.A. = Chairlift
Leather Jacket 9%
1999 1997
90s Nostalgia
2013 2011 2009 2007 2005 2003 2001
No one
some people
1995
Everyone
1993
Scenes of the crowd
musical timeline June 1993: Bjork's album Debut is released and named album by the year by NME.
February 1996: Bjork attacks a female reporter at the Bangkok International Airport for talking to her son.
November 1993: R. Kelly releases "Bump N'Grind," his first number-one song.
August 1996: "I Believe I Can Fly" is released, winning Kelly 3 Grammy Awards in 1998. November 1996: Belle & Sebastian release their second album If You're Feeling Sinister, considered to be the band's masterpiece.
September 1998: B&S release The Boy with the Arab Strap. Pitchfork gives this album a 0.8/10 score, though they go on to win Best Newcomer at the BRIT Awards. March 2001: Bjork wears her infamous "swan dress" to the 73rd Academy Awards.
January 2003: Perhaps Kelly's most popular song "Ignition (Remix)" is released. The song was listed at #19 on Pitchfork's Top 500 songs of the 2000s.
February 2002: A video surfaces of Kelly supposedly engaging in sex with and urinating on an underage girl. Kelly was ultimately found not guilty.
July 2005: The first of 33 chapters of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" was released on his album TP.3 Reloaded.
February 2006: B&S's most successful album The Life Pursuit is released. Pitchfork name the album 86th greatest of the 2000s. May 2010: Bjork receives the prestigious Polar Music Prize, which as been called the "Nobel Prize of Music." October 2010: B&S release their latest album Write Above Love. Summer/Fall 2013: Kelly's 13th studio album Black Panties is expected to drop sometime this year.
= Frankie Rose
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Summer Fashion
Faux Pas That Should Go On Pause By: Sam Caravette
Congratulations everyone! Most of us have successfully passed the awkward first stages of summer where we start to peel away our layers and reveal our pasty skin and unkempt leg hair. Unfortunately, we have also passed the peak of the summer fashion season, which has already begun to spiral precipitously downward. Each year the trends get skimpier, trashier, and definitely more questionable, for both men and women. Please evaluate this semi-comprehensive list of no-no trends before you drop a whole lot of cash to push out even less style. >> High-Waisted Shorts << You would think that people, women more precisely, would have enough sense to stay clear of mom jeans whilst in their twenties, yet here we are with girls willingly donning shorts that give them a FUPA. Sorry to say, but it takes a certain body type to pull off highwaisted shorts. Unless you’re super tall and slender, the shorts are doing nothing but making you look like you should be wearing a baby food-stained blouse while behind the wheel of a minivan. With the exception of Moms Weekend, no guy is looking to slam a mom look-a-like. Let’s ditch the high waists and go back to the good ol’ days when girls wore low-rise shorts, where the only fear was the possibility of an exposed thong and the overflow of a muffin top. >> Deep V-Necks << Just like girls with itty-bitty titties, guys are not allowed to show of their “cleavage” either, especially when pecs are laden with repulsive chest hair. The metro look for straight guys was never neat in the first place and this entire section of menswear needs to be eradicated. The problem with deep v-necks is that they make skinny guys look skinnier and ripped guys more meatheaded. For the skinny guys, vnecks only solidify what everyone already assumed—that you have no muscle tone and your boney chest sticks out like a sickly hospital patient. For gym rats, everyone can already see your steroid-laced physique without you showing them off with minimal, tight fabrics. Shorter v-necks are still border on unacceptable, so men are better off just going with a simple crewneck or, god forbid, a nice collared shirt. >> Platform Sandals << Every time you see a girl sporting these bad boys, you automatically know she’s the kind to try way too hard to get attention. Ladies, either wear regular sandals or wear heels; there’s no in between with this one. All short girls can sympathize with others who want to look taller, however, it’s better to be a midget than be caught dead in
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these clunky deathtraps. Platform sandals provide a good balance between sounding like you’re wearing horse hooves and walking like Jar-Jar Binks. And like the incompetent Star Wars character, you’re bound to be just as clumsy and hated by everyone. Have fun twisting your ankle and limping around in hideous shoes. But hey, at least you look taller, right? >> Complicated Swimwear << Whatever happened to simple bikinis and board shorts? You may think the Borat banana hammock piece is humorous beachwear, but the fact of the matter is that people are laughing at you, not with you. Guys, no woman gets turned on by your pasty thighs and exposed pubes. It’s unnerving and unnatural to see a dude’s upper thighs outside of the bedroom. Keep your cold-water, shrunken package concealed under a pair of full-length bottoms. And then there’s the women. Each summer, it’s like Victoria’s Secret decides to come up with some new, wacky fashion swimsuit. They must have some running bet with designers to see who can create the most ridiculous tan lines. If you can’t just slip on the bottoms and tie the top, the swimsuit is instantly too complicated. Stop with all the extra fabric and cutouts to look “sexy.”You’re already half naked! Guys aren’t going to notice how fashionable your swimsuit is; they’re just going to be staring at your tits like usual. >> Cargo Shorts << Unless you’re okay with not getting laid this summer, stay away from the demon of all men’s shorts. How many items are you carrying around that regular shorts with four pockets just won’t cut it? It may seem unfair that guys have such limited options when it comes to wearing shorts in the summer, but please stop looking like you’re going on a safari and make the effort to put an outfit together. And don’t think we forgot about the camo cargo shorts! Camo is acceptable for members of the Army and boys under the age of ten. Combining this pattern along with your cargo shorts is the worst possible offense. You might as well hide out in the wilderness with them, because no one will want to be seen in public with you ever again. Summer is a great time to let creativity blossom with your wardrobe. It’s okay to be experimental, but next time you decide to follow a trend, look at it objectively. Just because everyone is wearing it doesn’t mean it looks good. It’s better to be confident in something that looks good on you than to worry about the people snickering behind your back.
the madlib: A Champaign Townie’s Perspective Jus before the harvest did started me ‘n my buds thought we’d mosey on down to campus the only descent bar that dun welcome us true workin’ patreots, ___1___. But jus’ as we did get to moseyin’, thinkin’ well we finally be havin’ __2__ back to our lonesome agin, we see ‘bout six or four ____3____ still here! Them edjacated tipes sure is pretty, but dang gabbit don’t they take ___4___ too long to ____5____ in a pile a ___6___. So despite bein’ coverd in ___7___ ‘n ___8___ from workin’ on tha field all day, we walked into ____9____ and tried our best at blendin’ in. Well we had ‘bout nine er fifteen Buds before we got to talkin’ to some a them city gals, I reckin they from ____10____ or somewhere else way up there where the ___11___ flows like ___12___ and you kin buy a ___13___ from a market and not have to dig it out the grownd like down hear. These gals dun asked us where we from ‘n we tell ‘em we live on ___14___ out by ___15___ and ___16___ but they dun have none idea where that be. Then they dun asked what year we were, ‘n we say we in our twenties like er’one else here. They say they ___17___ ‘n my boys laugh ‘n laugh cuz we ain’t been with high school girls since this spring's prom! Anyway, I best be gettin’ to the end here, cuz I know you be itchin’ like a ___18___ in a ___19___ sack fulla’ ___20___! We dun take’d them gals home, they did meet my gammy ‘n that night we ___21___ ‘n now they not goin’ back to learnin’ for a while cuz they got little ___22___ to raise. Gotta admit me ‘n my boys love summer in Champaign, where the girls are ___23___ for a ___24___, and there ain’t none ___25___ to stop us from ___26___ in a ___27___.
1) Your favorite Champaign bar 2) What a townie might refer to campus town as 3) What a townie might call university students 4) Amount of time 5) Townie term for “have sex” 6) Something you find on a farm 7) Liquid 8) Thicker liquid 9) Same bar as #1 10) Anywhere in Illinois but Champaign 11) Toxic Liquid 12) Alcohol 13) Animal 14) Whatever street you live on
15) The farthest crossroad of that street you can think of 16) The farthest Champaign park you can think of 17) Year in college 18) Animal 19) Fabric 20) Grain 21) Another potential townie term for “have sex” 22) Potential townie word for “children” 23) Color 24) Verb-ing 25) Animal (pl.) 26) Verb-ing 27) Small container
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