The Black Sheep
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Volume 22, Issue 1S
6/13/13 - 7/10/13
Learning to Cope
with Your Internship-less Summer BY: TEX MEX *If you happened to fail landing an internship by your senior year, The Black Sheep offers our condolences, but you have absolutely exhausted any hopeful chance of making something of yourself in life by this point. Instead of following these steps, you may want to consider either an exciting and lucrative career in the custodial arts or grad school. The former pays more. If you’re reading this, then congratulations: You blew it. Despite your consistent clamoring this past semester about all of the internships you planned on simply applying for this spring, you either A.) applied directly on the deadline when the cream of the crop had already been picked or B.) flat-out missed the application deadline altogether. The fact remains that you’re S.O.L. and out of pertinent work experience that would have amounted to so much more than a summer of waiting tables or arguing with divorced middle-aged women in retail. Luckily, it turns out that the five stages of grieving can be applied to more crises than a death in the family or coming to terms with a life-crippling drug addiction! But fear not, hopeless and unwanted dregs of a fast-paced and brutal society that you were just never born to make it in, for it does get better. Even after depressingly watching your friends’ Facebook statuses update with the summer positions that will guarantee them an extended lifetime of happiness, exuberant wealth and prosperity, this step-by-step method on how to cope without an internship may not necessarily ensure a brighter future, but dammit, you’ll be flipping those burgers or babysitting your neighbor’s bratty little shits with dignity!*
Denial
In spite of some fifty emails you’ve been spamming to your internship advisor, you have to realize that you’re sounding like a stuttering parakeet constantly reiterating your “invaluable experiences and expertise” or “strong leadership skills.” This stage in the internship-less summer process often involves calling your projected workplace no less than thrice a day, sitting on your LinkedIn waiting for the opportunity to finally click “save changes,” and telling your friends that you’re “still waiting to hear back from
a few people.” In some of the more extreme cases, these poor souls armed with literally zero chance in life have gone so far as to break into the workplace and start prematurely answering emails and filing itinerary reports before the night cleaning crew can toss them back out onto the street where they belong.
Anger
How dare they overlook the resume that you so meticulously worked on for fifteen minutes before the final application deadline? That cover letter template you googled in less than two minutes was gold and you know it. But 9 times out of 10, the blind fury and anguish that you let simmer after every email back continued on page 13
what's inside page 6
page 7
page 13
Some Jobs Really Suck ... And Then There's This Guy
Guaranteed Regimen for a "Not So Ready Beach Body"
Beach Bummer
How it feels to be an NHL Penalty Box Attendant.
Cheap, resourceful ways too look your best.
Why going to the beach is never as great as it sounds.
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