The Black Sheep
f in y ree.. our . th fr e be sem idge f er sti est rom ll er! l as t
Brought to you by
The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 23, Issue 2
7/11/13 - 8/8/13
How the gdi
Stole Greek Reunion BY: Kitty Kat Every Greek in Champaign liked Reunion a lot, But the GDI from the ‘burbs surely did not! The Geed hated Reunion! The whole Greek population! Now, please don’t ask why, I’m just here for narration. It could be he was snubbed by some house freshman year. It could be, perhaps, that he can’t chug a beer. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his penis was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, his crotch or drinking techniques, He sat at home that summer, hating the Greeks. Looking at Facebook with a sour, friend-less frown At feeds of news showing what would go down. For he knew every Greek would drive down to Champaign With their bottles of Jack and bags of Mary Jane. “And they’ll clog up Joe’s dance floor!” he snarled with a sneer, “This weekend’s Reunion! It’s practically here!” Then he growled with his Geed fingers nervously drumming, “I MUST find some way to stop Reunion from coming!” For this weekend, he knew, all the Greek girls and boys Would keg stand their way ‘cross Central Illinois. That’s the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! And they’d chug! And they’d chug! And they’d CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! They would chug hard with Keystone and some cases of Natty, Which was something the Geed thought was exceptionally fratty. And then they’d do something he hated a lot. Every Greek in Champaign, the hot and the not, Would walk to apartments, their beer guts overhanging. They’d take off their clothes and start ferociously banging! The more the Geed thought of this Greek copulation, The more that he thought, “I must stop this sensation! For three straight school years I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop Reunion from coming. But how?”
“I know just what to do!” the Geed said with a smack, And he bought a large bro tank and neon snapback. He giggled and laughed, “I’m a great little sneak! With this shirt and this hat, I look just like a Greek!”
“All I need is a tan and some boat shoes,” he said. But since Sperry’s are expensive, he wore sneakers instead. Did that stop the GDI? No! He just shrugged it away. “Whatever, those shoes would have made me look gay.” continued on page 13
page 6
page 11
page 13
Conspiracy Alert: Justin Timberlake and Kung Fu Panda
2013 Freshman Registration Goes Just as Planned
I Need Feminism Because I Said So
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery.
Another year, another registration with no tears.
Is Jay-Z needs it, you most certainly need it, too.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC | theblacksheeponline.com