The Black Sheep
f in y ree.. our . th fr e be sem idge f er sti est rom ll er! l as t
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Volume 23, Issue 2
7/11/13 - 8/8/13
How the gdi
Stole Greek Reunion BY: Kitty Kat Every Greek in Champaign liked Reunion a lot, But the GDI from the ‘burbs surely did not! The Geed hated Reunion! The whole Greek population! Now, please don’t ask why, I’m just here for narration. It could be he was snubbed by some house freshman year. It could be, perhaps, that he can’t chug a beer. But I think that the most likely reason of all May have been that his penis was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, his crotch or drinking techniques, He sat at home that summer, hating the Greeks. Looking at Facebook with a sour, friend-less frown At feeds of news showing what would go down. For he knew every Greek would drive down to Champaign With their bottles of Jack and bags of Mary Jane. “And they’ll clog up Joe’s dance floor!” he snarled with a sneer, “This weekend’s Reunion! It’s practically here!” Then he growled with his Geed fingers nervously drumming, “I MUST find some way to stop Reunion from coming!” For this weekend, he knew, all the Greek girls and boys Would keg stand their way ‘cross Central Illinois. That’s the one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! And they’d chug! And they’d chug! And they’d CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! They would chug hard with Keystone and some cases of Natty, Which was something the Geed thought was exceptionally fratty. And then they’d do something he hated a lot. Every Greek in Champaign, the hot and the not, Would walk to apartments, their beer guts overhanging. They’d take off their clothes and start ferociously banging! The more the Geed thought of this Greek copulation, The more that he thought, “I must stop this sensation! For three straight school years I’ve put up with it now! I MUST stop Reunion from coming. But how?”
“I know just what to do!” the Geed said with a smack, And he bought a large bro tank and neon snapback. He giggled and laughed, “I’m a great little sneak! With this shirt and this hat, I look just like a Greek!”
“All I need is a tan and some boat shoes,” he said. But since Sperry’s are expensive, he wore sneakers instead. Did that stop the GDI? No! He just shrugged it away. “Whatever, those shoes would have made me look gay.” continued on page 13
page 6
page 11
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Conspiracy Alert: Justin Timberlake and Kung Fu Panda
2013 Freshman Registration Goes Just as Planned
I Need Feminism Because I Said So
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery.
Another year, another registration with no tears.
Is Jay-Z needs it, you most certainly need it, too.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC | theblacksheeponline.com
N O I N U E R K TH ANNUAL GREE 40 3 1 Y L U J D N JULY 12 A WHERE IT ALL
BEGAN!
SPECIALS ALL WEEKEND $2 16oz Coors Light and Miller Lite Bottle Cans $3 Blue Guys, $3 Jager Bombs, $4 Bacardi Buckets
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
7-9pm: VIP Staff Party 10pm: DJ Christine Hong
3-6pm: Play Bags and Pool 6-10pm: DJ Zach 10pm: DJ Delicato
KAM’S
19 to enter, 21 to drink | Follow Us! @ kamsillini 618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com
>> Table of Contents << page 5: Super-Senior Spends Friendless Summer in Champaign, Becomes Townie
>> They accepted him, man.
page 6: The Top 10: Reasons Your Summer is a Snoozefest
>> Oooooh, another trip to the Wisconsin Dells? Sweet, bro.
page 7: Sales of Smirnoff Ice and Trojan Condoms Skyrocket
6
>> Just for one week in July, though.
page 10: Summer: THe Season of Disappointment
>> Wah, wah, waahhhh.
page 11: On the Streets
11
7
>> What's the weirdest thing that's happened to you this summer?
page 12: Bartenders of the Week
>> Mary Kate and Samantha have the chance to speak their minds.
page 14: The Interviews: ken mode and tree
>> Our chats with the Canadian metal band and the Chicago rapper.
page 15: Breaking News: Block Party Full of Sad Dads
>> You can't be too sad rippin' that sick guitar though.
15
Page
four
k e e W e h t f Pic o
Dear Kitty Kat, I’m coming back in town this weekend for Greek Reunion, and I haven’t seen any of my sorority sisters since school let out in May. I’m not sure if this is on accident because we’ve been busy or if everyone’s purposely avoiding me since they heard I gave Tiffany Q's ex a BJ behind the basement bar at Cly’s. What should I do when I see everyone face-to-face? Sincerely, Tiffany B. Dear Slut, First of all, props to you for slobbin’ some knob in a public place, takes a lot of guts. If your sisters can’t appreciate that, then they’re not true family. However, I can understand how you’d be a bit intimidated to show your face after all of it, especially since the herpes rash you got is usually inflamed around this time of the month. If I were you, I’d play it cool and hope that word didn’t get out. More than likely, though, word did get out … so you should probably have some bitchy, unnecessary comments to shoot back at your haterz. It can’t be that hard to find one of whose tan isn’t perfectly even or who happens to be a little bloaty from beer that day. Make sure you let her know how she should have received a bid from that other Greek house with the horse-faced girls. While you’re at it, go for the “dominating whore effect” and tell other girls in the house how you’ve macked on their men as well, whether it’s true or not. Girls love competition and finding reasons to hate each other, so saying all this invites a lot of fun and friendship to bloom in your direction. Don’t be afraid; they’ll respect you for your honesty, which will in turn result in fear and acceptance. ‘Tis the life of a sorority girl. Or so I’ve heard.
Is that another sack of wine, or are you just happy to see me?
Kitty Kat
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Super-Senior Spends Friendless Summer
in Champaign, Becomes Townie By: David Rubin
Whether they couldn’t figure out what major to transfer into or they missed half their classes sophomore year because of their so-called “alcoholic walkabout,” some seniors are forced to stay in Champaign for an extra summer to rack up their remaining credits.
cided to give up all his public endeavors for a more isolated, anti-social environment in his apartment on Locust and Daniel, where he spends his days on bigten.org tracking the university’s sports teams’ summer practices.
Twenty-two-year-old Aaron Sullivan is determined to get his degree in Creative Writing during a climactic two-month stint in ChampaignUrbana. Unfortunately for him, all of his friends have graduated and moved on to full-time employment, leaving him abandoned and alone for the duration of the summer.
Only going to and from class when completely necessary, Sullivan receives his daily dose of vitamins, minerals and diarrhea from delivery orders of Chopstix and Geovanti’s.
“My roommates are all gone, and they didn’t even find subleases,” Sullivan noted. “I tried making new friends when I was watching the Stanley Cup at Joe’s, but it didn’t go well.” Sullivan was reportedly seen at Joe’s cheering for the Chicago Blackhawks when they made their Cup-winning goal during game six. Raising his hand to high-five the stranger next to him, the unknown individual didn’t notice, forcing Sullivan to scratch the back of his head as though that was his intention all along. Sullivan also attempted to introduce himself to a group of girls sun tanning alongside the pool at the ARC. After realizing they each had headphones in their ears, he submerged himself in the pool for an extended period of time until he was embarrassingly saved by the lifeguard on duty. In response to his futile attempts at social interactions, Sullivan de-
“He always orders a full pizza and stuffed cheesy bread,” one Domino’s delivery driver stated. “That serves about 2-3 people, but he’s always alone in his apartment. That guy is easily the most depressing part of working the night shift at a Domino’s in Central Illinois.”
"These guys accepted me like I was one of their own."
of personal hygiene and radiating drunken loneliness that you were born and raised in the area.” Suddenly realizing his inherent ability to assimilate himself with the Champaign-Urbana natives, Sullivan continued his inebriated comrade quest to other hotspots in downtown Champaign, such as Mike N Molly’s, Esquire and Jupiter’s, among others.
One night, Sullivan was chasing Jägerbombs with champagne alone in his apartment when he decided to fruitlessly brave the inevitable social rejection at The Blind Pig in an effort to break the barrier between student and Champaign resident.
To Sullivan’s surprise, he quickly began striking up conversations with the Champaign townies. “I was amazed,” Sullivan said. “Just the other day I was a forgotten super-senior, but tonight these guys accepted me like I was one of their own. It’s nice to see how tight-knit a town can be when there’s nothing but cornfields for hundreds of miles in every direction.”
After having several more drinks there, a graduate student approached him and was heard noting, “I never knew a townie could drink so much.” Sullivan corrected the individual about his enrollment in the University to which the graduate student replied, “Oh. I just assumed with your lack
Being welcomed so warm-heartedly by the community has inspired Sullivan to pursue full-time employment in the area. “I’ve applied for a job at Kraft and—well, that’s about it. Once you stray away from Kraft, there’s not much going on for this place.”
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Conspiracy Alert: Justin Timberlake and Kung Fu Panda
The
Top
Ten
Reasons Your Summer is a Snoozefest By: Sam Caravette
Once the stress of school is forgotten and you’re settled into summer’s relaxation, you begin to realize that your “Summer of George” hasn’t lived up to its true potential. Don’t fret; you still have just over a month of summer to salvage. If you can’t recognize why you haven’t done anything with your summer so far, take heed. 10.) The Internship from Hell: During March you were pretty stoked on your acceptance into a top internship; however, come mid-June, you’ve realized that this internship is a whole lot of coffee-grabbing and copy-making without any pay. Day trips to Chicago use to precede a day of fun, but now you’re just another self-loathing commuter. 9.) Friends in Summer Relationships: Friends with significant others suck, because they make plans such a hassle. For the one night a month they’re allowed to stray away from their “baby,” they spend the whole night texting their flings and ignoring you. Odds are the summer romance isn’t going to last, but by the time it ends, so will your summer. 8.) Netflix: Netflix is a go-to for a quick fix of boredom, but when you rely on it most of the time, suddenly the cast of How I Met Your Mother replaces the few real friends you have. Don’t think you can just start a series and then stop a few episodes in. When you’re hooked, Netflix is harder to stop popping than a can of Pringles.
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow's a mystery.” By: Scotty G. Eloquent, clever, and somewhat familiarsounding. That line is from Justin Timberlake’s latest hit song “Mirrors” off his new album, The 20/20 Experience. But why does it feel like you’ve heard it before? Because you have, just not in a part of your memory that you’d think to look. What if we told you that you heard that line delivered by an astute, animated turtle? Close the blinds and wrap your head in tin foil, because you’re about to learn that Justin Timberlake’s song “Mirrors” was based on his favorite movie, Kung Fu Panda, where a thoughtful tortoise named Oogway says that famous line. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present." In KFP The Valley of Peace, home to a wannabe kung fu master panda, is under attack, and the only way to save it is for the village’s greatest warrior to read the Dragon Scroll, a secret scroll which is known to have unlimited power. Po, the titular panda voiced by Jack Black, proves himself to be the worthy warrior and when he finally unrolls the scroll, it's nothing but a blank page. It's just a reflective surface (like a mirror!). Po is distraught and gives up on his fight to protect the Valley of Peace, until he grows to understand the Dragon Scroll and says, "To make something special, you just have to believe it's special." He learns that he never needed the Dragon Scroll to fill him with self-worth, because that space was already filled by his own greatness. He was never empty in the first place. Below are the lyrics to the hook of “Mirrors.” It's hard to read this and not think of a cowardly panda whose transformation into a triumphant warrior is completed when he looks into his own reflection and realizes the man with the ability to fight was inside him all along. 'Cause I don't wanna lose you now I'm lookin' right at the other half of me The vacancy that sat in my heart Is a space that now you hold Show me how to fight for now I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
06
Comin' back here to you once I figured it out You were right here all along Kung Fu Panda is about learning to love yourself and if you look like Justin Timberlake, the easiest way to do that is by looking into a mirror. We all know that Hollywood recycles material, but ever-present paranoia wasn’t enough to detect a DreamWorks crossover with ‘N SYNC. (Was it an inside job?) But just because “Mirrors” and KFP are thematically identical doesn’t mean that Timberlake actually based the song on an animated movie for kids ... or did he? The conspiracy doesn’t end there. If the song "Mirrors" wasn't about Kung Fu Panda, then why did Timberlake dress up as Po the panda for the cover of the album?
7.) Gas Prices: Bitching about how high gas prices are is a little cliché, but it definitely screws up plans. With gas prices skyrocketing, a spur-of-the-moment trip to the beach isn’t in the budget, which leaves you to get drunk in your backyard kiddie pool rather than Lake Michigan. 6.) Finals: No, not final exams—finals for hockey and basketball. Now that the playoffs have ended, you’ve still spent half your summer glued to the tube to see replays and highlights. Get some fresh air and maybe go see a game in person for once, just don't go betting on cockfights in deep Champaign, trust us. 5.) Summer School: Squeezing in a few extra credits is less than ideal when you’re crammed into Noyes with subpar air conditioning, even if you are being productive. Skipping a class because you’re hung over in the summer is equivalent to missing an entire week during a regular semester, and that fact makes the whole ordeal so much worse. 4.) Boring Family Vacations: Huzzah, another glorious trip Wisconsin! That may have been fun back when you were ten, but after a few trips to South Padre you can’t seem to understand the Chicagoan fascination with the Dells. Rather than chilling with your friends with a daiquiri in hand, you’re stuck averting your eyes from mother’s unsightly bikini while your little cousin splashes infested hot tub water at your face. 3.) ARC Addiction: We all want the perfect beach bod when it comes time to slip on our bathing suits, but some assholes take it to the extreme. Canceling your plans for the sake of a workout leaves you no time to show off your hard work, so what’s the point?
Move over JFK assassination, the KFP mirror-ization is now the most fascinating conspiracy theory in America. But we all know that conspiracies are just nonsensical blabber-talk generated from the kinds of people who can’t read or get dressed without missing a belt loop ... or are they? It runs even deeper. Is it a coincidence that Justin Timberlake and Jack Black happen to be two of the very few successful musician/actors in Hollywood? Did JT only get into acting to emulate the star voice actor of his favorite movie? We might never know, but we reserve the right to demand answers to questions that categorically insult the career and intelligence of Mr. Timberlake. There’s one last piece of the puzzle. Brace yourself. Play “Mirrors” backwards. Mid-way through the second verse, you’ll notice that he unmistakably says "Oogway" and "Dragon Scroll.” Surely this is all just a strange coincidence of parallel creation. There’s just no way that a respected artist reached the top of the charts with an allegorical nod to a film about a talking panda that beats up a snow leopard ... or did he? Nope, that last part was total bullshit, but it feels true, and in a conspiracy theory, that's all that matters.
2.) Tom Skilling: Maybe he’s not the only person to blame here, but seriously, the meteorologists have been pretty terrible about predicting the weather thus far. There’s nothing worse than not making plans due to a 90% chance of rain and not a single drop falls from the sky. At this point, say “screw it” and go out regardless because 60% of the time, the weatherman is wrong every time. 1.) Daily Hangovers: If you have a free summer, chances are you’re drinking your days away. Summer is a great time to party, but getting blackout drunk every night from homemade Blue Guys and fishbowls causes you to sleep in ‘til 4p.m. every day. Stop piecing together the night before and start creating memories.
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e c I f f o n r i m S f Sales o t e k c o r y k s s m o d n o c n a j o r t d an y l u j n i d n e k e for one we By: Benny BOy
Economists were shocked this weekend to find that, once again, sales of Smirnoff Ice and Trojan Condoms skyrocketed for a span of 48 hours in the city of Champaign, only to subsequently sink back down to their typical summer lull in an annual event which both companies have come to call “The Great Summer Miracle.” The reason for this weekend of extraordinary profit for both Smirnoff and Trojan, which mysteriously occurs in the middle of July every year in the city of Champaign, is, well, a mystery. The Black Sheep’s head economic writer set to work to find an answer as to why sales of low-quality/high-risk beverages and promiscuous sex aids explode during one week in July. After snooping around on CNN and other economic sources, we discovered something called the Dow Jones Industrial Average is at .77%. We still aren’t sure what that percentage is for, although we believe it may be its alcohol-by-volume. Regardless, it is clear that to find the answer as to why these particular products experience such a sudden boom we need to contact a more knowledgeable source. “There really is no explanation for it,” head economy specialist of the New York Times Olaf Quall wrote in an article about the summer phenomenon. “If this weekend were to occur during the regular school year we would not be surprised at all. You see, when the university stu-
dents are on campus, sales of both Smirnoff and Trojan, as well as Plan B and Antidiuretics, experience healthy symbiotic relationships which economists have come to call ‘The Great Circle of Life.’ However, sales of these products are usually replaced by things such as Pabst Blue Ribbon, hunting gear, and NASCAR pay-per-view during summer months due to the return of Champaign locals.” When asked if the Dow Jones Industrial Average has anything to do with it, Quall admitted that he too has no idea what that might be. And so after consulting even the top economist in the field, the answer to this mystery remains elusive. That is, at least, from an economic standpoint. Perhaps the reason for this summer burst in alcohol and condom sales is more of a sociological issue. This assumption led our investigators to take the streets, where they attempted to find out from the average Joe why these particular products experience a surge. “Yeah, you see folks ‘round here don’t fool around with that Smirnoff stuff,” Champaign local Jessup Dolly noted in an exclusive From The Streets interview. “That’s what them college boys drink when they’re hangin’ out in those there fraternities. Us Champaign locals like to buy Budweiser, camo-green Remington 597 FLX .22LR hunting rifles, and Timberwolf tobacco.” When asked about the surge in Trojan condom sales, Jessup responded, “You mean like in
the movies?” It became clear to us, then, that Smirnoff Ice and family planning are not real big among the downstate rustic type. Because of this, we interviewed somebody who appeared to have never killed a mammal before. A young man wearing fraternity letters gave his opinion on the matter. “Smirnoff and condoms? That’s ninety percent of my grocery list,” a young man named Brad said. When asked to elaborate, Brad said that he had to run because he was meeting up with his best bud Goose for a Greek Reunion pre-game. Not wanting to keep him from his plans and deciding that he probably couldn’t tell us anything of help for our investigation anyway, we let him continue on his way. Without an answer and finding our pleas for professional insight disappointing, it seems that this mystery must go unanswered for now. All we can do is wait a few months for when cheap, sugary drinks and gratuitous sex with strangers become widespread in Champaign again, and balance be returned to the universe.
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday! $1 Wells, $1 Cherry and O Bombs, $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $3 Jager Bombs, $2 Bacardi Mixers, $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
FRIDAY! CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MILK N COOKIES, DJ MELLOW and more!
SATURDAY! It's the F#@&*NG Catalina Wine Mixer! with DJ KOSMO Greek Reunion Wine Night! $8 Bottles of Wine - POW!
7/11 - 7/13: Red Hot Summerfest!
PINT GLASS MONTH at Firehaus! Get a Different Pint Glass Every Week! Twitter @FirehausUofI
THURS.
$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots, $2.50 UV Vodka Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers
SUMMER STRAGGLERS with DJ MELLOW Hot Beats and $2 Off All Drafts $2 Dirty Palmers
Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion, Firehaus or Clybourne! Email us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
7/11: Red Hot Summerfest! w/ Joe Asselin, Mike Ingram & Kayla Brown, Decade Late, OMNI w/ Rod Sickler, and Abnormous
HALF PRICE WHISKEY!! $3 Jager Bombs $2 Wells featuring UV Vodka
FRI.
$1 Wells, $1 Cherry and O Bombs, $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $3 Jager Bombs, $2 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, MILK N COOKIES, DJ MELLOW and more!
GREEK REUNION Club GLO with DJ Kubiak! Free Glowsticks!
7/12: Red Hot Summerfest! w/ Hobbs Brothers Band, OMNI w/ Rod Sickler, and 90's Daughter
$3.99 Haus Fries All Day! $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Beam
EMMINENT SLAUGHTER, PIT FIEND, LOW TWELVE and More!
It's the F#@&*NG Catalina Wine Mixer! with DJ KOSMO Greek Reunion Wine Night! $8 Bottles of Wine - POW!
7/13: Red Hot Summerfest! Outside Stage starts at 5pm - All Ages! Inside Stage starts at Midnight - 21+
Special Saturday Glass Night!
SAT.
$1 Wells, $1 Cherry and O Bombs, $2.50 All 14oz Drafts and Domestic Bottles, $3 Jager Bombs, $2 Bacardi Mixers, $3.50 Calls, Top Shelf, and Import Bottles
SUN.
Closed
Closed
Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion, Firehaus or Clybourne! Email us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor...Every Beer $2
MON.
$2 UV Vodka Mixers, $2 Domestic Bottles, $3 Micro Bottles $2 Shot List: Carmel Apple, Kamikaze, Jolly Rancher, Buttery Nipple, Dirty Girl Scout, and Melon Ball
OPEN MIC NIGHT $1 PBR Drafts, $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas!
Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion, Firehaus or Clybourne! Email us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
Retro Monday - FREE, 10pm DJ Mingram returns! $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Wells
Pop Culture Team Trivia Night Starts at 10pm - Signup 9pm $2 Long Islands - $2 Wells Half Price Appetizers 4-9pm
TUES.
$2 Domestic and Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts, $2 Wells $2 Shot of the Week
Closed
Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion, Firehaus or Clybourne! Email us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
BAGS Tournament Starts at 10pm - Compete to Win Cubs Tickets Weekly! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm, $2 WELLS, Half Price Sharkbowls
WED.
Bar Grid
Office Located at: 202 East Green Street, Champaign, IL • (217) 355-8300
25¢ Wings - 8pm 'til they're gone! Original, Hot, Hawaiian BBQ , Spicy Garlic $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Islands, $2 Jager Bombs (minis)
THE SPEAKEASY: Live Jazz Whiskey Specials! $2 Cover
Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion, Firehaus or Clybourne! Email us at CochraneParty@Gmail.com
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Karaoke Wednesdays $2 Wells - $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich from 4-9pm
You Keep the 23oz Tallboy Glass
$3 Vegas Bombs $6 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3.99 Pretzel Bites All Day!
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Bar Grid
KAM'S $2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Jager Bombs, $2 Lime-a-ritas/Straw-be-ritas
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
Greek Reunion MNJ Upstairs! $1 Jello Shots $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Summer Shandy Pitchers
40th Annual Greek Reunion! 7-9pm: VIP Staff Party 10pm: DJ Christine Hong
$5.50 Bacon Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Killians, Third Shift, Leinies, Shock Top, Mich Amber Bock, $6.50 Pitchers Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout & Batch 19, $2 Dr. & Orchata shots, $2 Skyy Vodka single mixers, $4 Wild Turkey Doubles
Friday Greek Reunion Open at 5pm with DJ's Milk N Cookies opening for DJ RYAN POLLANO Voted Chicago's #1 DJ
Catch all the MLB Action at Guido's!
Bull Riding Competition! Win Lolla Tickets! 1/2 Price Burgers + DJs All Day $1 Jello Shots, $3 American Harvest Vodka , $2 Jager Barrels, $6 Lunchbox Pitchers TRY A BULL-A-RITA!
40th Annual Greek Reunion! 3-6pm: Play Bags and Pool 6-10pm: DJ Zach 10pm: DJ Delicato
$5.50 Mega Mushroom Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $6.50 Pitchers Killians, Leinies, Third Shift, Shock Top & Mich Amber Boch, $2.50 Pints Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout & Batch 19, $2 Pinnacle Flavor Vodka shots, $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey single mixers, $4 Bacardi Flavor Doubles
Greek Reunion Pool Party! Starts at Noon - DJ's All Day! Huge Double Waterslide! $2 Bud Light Drafts - Great Food - Outdoor Beer Truck! @RedlionUofI
Closed
Free Fresh Cut Fries with any Burger, Sandwich, or Wrap $2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $1.75 Pints Miller Lt, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $1.50 Burst Shots $1.75 Pinnacle Vodka single Mixers $3.50 Jim Beam Doubles
LION'S DEN SUNDAYS! Only Beer Garden & Sidebar Open! $2 Anything in the House!
SUN.
$2 Bud Platinum Bottles, $2 Ice Picks
$2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Pints Blue Moon and Blue Moon Seasonal $4.50 Hamms & PBR Pitchers $1.50 Burst Shots, $1.75 Well Mixers, $3.50 Long Island Ice Tea
$1 WELLS $2 Captain Morgan
MON.
$2 Blue Moon $2 Tequila
Tequila Tuesday! $2 Shots & Margaritas! Plus $2 U Call Its Everyday (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mushroom Cheesburger with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 16oz Shlitz, PBR & Old Style Tall Boy Cans $3 Pints Guinness, Smithwicks & Bells Oberon, $1.50 Burst Shots $1.75 Skyy Vodka Flavor Mixers $3.50 Wild Turkey Whiskey Doubles
Wine Night Pre-Game! Open 6:30pm-10:30pm Only! We're Grilling Out! $1 SHOTS, $2 WELLS $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers Then off to Cly's for WINE NIGHT!
TUES.
$2 Redd's $2 Fireball
Pitcher Night: $4 Pitchers or Beer & Lime Ritas! Plus $2 U Call Its Everyday (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
$5.50 Mega Bacon Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries Logo Glass Day (TBA) $2 Dr. & Orchata shots $1.75 Pinnacle vodka flavor mixers, $3.75 Jim Beam Doubles $4.50 Pitchers Hamms & PBR
$4 Pinnacle Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Wells
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Shacker Night! $3 Shackers 24oz $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 UV Vodka $2 Fireball Shots
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
SAT.
$5.50 Chicken Teriyaki Sandwhich with Fresh Cut Fries, $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles, $2 Pinnacle Flavor Vodka shots, $2 Bacardi flavor mixers, $4 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles, $6.50 Pitchers Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt
All Energy Music: $2 Blue Guys and $2 Bombs! Plus $2 U Call Its Everyday (Wells, Drafts, Bottles)
FRI.
SUNDAYS! Friday & Saturday: Friday Greek Reunion Free Fresh Cut Fries with any Burg40th Annual Greek Reunion! er, Sandwich, or Wrap | $2 Specialty Open at 5pm with DJ's Milk N ALL WEEKEND $2 16oz Coors Pints & Bottles, $1.75 Pints Miller Lt, Cookies opening for Light and Miller Lite Bottle Coors Lt, Bud & Bud Lt, $1.50 Burst DJ RYAN POLLANO Cans, $3 Blue Guys, $3 Jager Shots, $1.75 Pinnacle Vodka single Voted Chicago's #1 DJ Mixers, $3.50 Jim Beam Doubles Bombs, $4 Bacardi Buckets
THURS.
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SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs
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SUMMER: The Season of Disappointment By: Brian Barsotti Some view summer as a time for fun—as a time to relax and get away from it all in the sun. Others view it as a dull, unproductive period of utter pointlessness, which makes even the most intense mid-afternoon masturbation marathons boring. Wherever you stand on this debate, there’s very little doubt that summer is, indeed, the most disappointing season. As a matter of fact, this is the objective list
of how each of the seasons is ranked, from best to worst: first autumn, then spring, then winter, then duck season, then rabbit season, then all of the most recent seasons of The Simpsons, and then finally summer. Let’s get into why summer is the worst. For starters, summer is a tease. It’s something you look forward to all year ‘round. When there’s snow on the ground, you eagerly look forward to the season of hot weather and nip slips. But once you get to June and it gets past 90 degrees, the heat grows uncomfortable. You sweat without doing anything, and your naughty bits stick to each other like stubborn packaging adhesive. So, for the rest of the season, you close up in your house and turn the air conditioning on. It’s supposed to be the nicest weather of the year, yet you have to separate yourself from it. At least winter has no such pretense. Winter is upfront about its horrible weather, so you don’t feel bad for closing your windows. But summer, being the douche that it is, just shows up unannounced at your doorstep, bringing along all its surprisingly shitty atmospheric conditions.
That’s not to say that summer weather can’t be delightful, though. On the contrary, it’s fun to soak up the sun at the beach or at a water park (where you make believe that you aren’t festering in a pool of pee). However, when enjoying the outdoors in the summer, one must pay strict attention to the forecast. In the Midwest, there’s only one forecast for a summer day: 30% chance of thunderstorms. Every day, there’s the possibility that an isolated thunderstorm will stroll your way and ruin your fun in the sun. A lot of these summer storms produce hail and tornadoes, in addition to lightning and heavy rain. So in essence, here’s the forecast for every single summer day in the Midwest: “The weather is probably going to be pleasant … or it might kill you.” But what truly makes summer more disappointing than a 30-yearold who still lives with his parents is all the freedoms it has to offer. Yes, from the time you begin school until the time you graduate and become a real person, summer is the season of too much freedom. Kids have too many options during summer. With no school and no responsibilities, they can read, watch TV, play video games, throw rocks at cars, fry ants, or pose Barbie dolls in sexually suggestive manners. And with all of those choices available to you, there’s no way to not be disappointed with the one you chose. It’s an interesting phenomenon, known as “the paradox of choice.” Basically, if you have a whole bunch of freedom, you’ll have unreasonably high expectations, so you’ll be let down by whatever option you went with. You could choose to torture ants, yet you won’t appreciate it very much because you’ll be thinking, “Man, I could be forcing Ken to eat out Barbie right now. Wouldn’t that be fun?” Summer is the season when that disappointment happens all the time. Everything you do feels like a regretful waste of time. Hell, you just wasted a few minutes reading this ridiculous article on why summer is awful. Those are precious minutes of your life you’ll never get back. For now, make the most of the rest of your summer and enjoy trying to forget that image of Ken giving Barbie cunnilingus.
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2013 UIUC Freshman Registration
Goes Just As Planned
on the Streets What is the weirdest thing that’s happened to you this summer? unior Sa m a n t h a , J
By: Kitty Kat UIUC’s summer registration for incoming freshmen for the 2013-2014 academic year went as planned with absolutely nothing out of the ordinary this year. Coming in waves of cars filled with arguing parents and irritated siblings, the university’s next drove of its finest and brightest entered the gates of hearty Illinoisan knowledge, got lost in the sea of parking lots as dads defended their directional capabilities, missed the first few shuttle buses, and ventured forth to the Union Building with Instagram accounts struggling to keep up with the rampant, blue-orange-filtered narcissism.
“Some guy pissed in my bed.”
8:30 a.m. – Check-in Begins: As students flooded the Union Building, many were surprised to see the massive amount of names the I-Guides had to sift through in order to check off each special snowflake on the list. While most students brought as little family as humanly possible, a few stragglers made sure to let the guides know that their party consisted of themselves and the following: an Illini-clad father, a seemingly-oblivious mother, two reckless younger siblings, an attention-deprived middle child, a grandmother with an unjustified grudge against higher education, a grandfather staring off into space, and the family dog with its bark pitch set to “cross between broken squeak toy and ear-shattering stealth bomber.” 9:00 a.m. – University Welcome: After families with alumni pompously rushed to the front of the room behind a dinky projector, the rest of the lot filed in confusingly like marching ants disrupted by a fallen twig in the path. Leaving at least one or two seats empty to separate families as if the Bubonic Plague had resurfaced in this bucolic college town, a cheesy orientation video finally played after the Illini Marching Band playlist repeated for a grand total of 178 times. After about 15 minutes of not understanding a single piece of advice that former students were leaving behind due to the video’s near-90s VCR quality, even more perplexed students were sent off to tour the campus for a bit. Once they left, steel doors locked down all possible exits from Illini Room “B.” Ludovico technique-inspired chairs strapped and constricted parents while forcing their eyelids open as dollar amounts of tuition fees flashed on screen. The Director of Admissions was heard outside repeating, “No hope … no hope…” slowly and menacingly over the microphone. 9:45 a.m. – College and Departmental Meetings: The students then reconvened with their parents—all of whom were strangely mumbling calculations equating to four years’ worth of tuition, fees and loans—and went to their respective colleges and departments. At this point, students became even more unfamiliar with the registration process, albeit now joined together with others in their major and concentrations. In stuffy, crowded rooms inter-
Lexi, Junior
spersed throughout the buildings on campus, the head of each department chatted with the students glossing over why their specific major holds any sort of significance in the world outside of their degree. As per university standard and tradition, all students were told tales of being able to change the world, with the Department of Creative Writing, again, struggling the most with this quality reassurance. Outside of LAS and other colleges on campus, the newly-implemented dome over the Engineering Quad was put to use for the first time in order to protect other students from the permeating waves of smug that have tripled over the years during these introductory meetings. 11:45 a.m. – Lunch (provided with program): Three hours into what was then being considered spiraling depression and utter confusion from parents and students respectively, the university’s catering services graciously provided families with the finest pre-packaged meals a public university in Illinois could buy. A meal complete with a sandwich with two thin slices of meat (as opposed to the standard single slice), a bag of chips from a Lays™ brand variety pack, a piece of fruit for health nuts who complain about free food, a warm can of flat soda, and a stale oatmeal-raisin cookie that will endure no more than two bites before being discarded. Champaign’s homeless claimed that this year’s culinary efforts were “mediocre” at best and lacking “inventive zest.”
1:00-5:00 p.m. – Advising Appointments and Course Registration: The students were finally granted the opportunity to do what they could have done several hours ago at home and collected in a small, sterile computer lab to register for classes. After being overloaded with information given by their advisors concerning discovery courses, not taking too many credit hours, and explaining the registration process in a manner that would give Steven Hawking a migraine, students spent four hours getting their schedules intact for the coming fall semester. Two of those hours focused on finding out what-in-the-hell a “CRN” or “scheduling error” meant. While some students left defeated with sunken hearts and heads drooped down upon deciding that their major wasn’t cut out for them, most stood victorious with 15-16 credit hours of classes that will, unbeknownst to them, not be applicable to their field of study whatsoever. At the day’s end, even with newfound, insurmountable apprehension toward starting college, students were stuffed up the ass with coupons for Illini attire and school supplies like a Thanksgiving turkey. In spite of the understanding that their financial hopes and dreams would be forever shattered, parents were still happy that they would be going home with at least seven new handbags.
“I rescued a baby bird and fed it wet bread.”
r Kate, Senio
“A ‘gay’ man grabbed my tits on the train after the pride parade. Not gay.”
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Bartenders of the Week Bartender nickname: MK
Bartender nickname: Sailor Sam
Favorite drink: I like my Guinness how I like my men — tall, dark and thick.
Favorite drink: Jack and Coke Relationship status: Sleeping with the boss
Relationship status: Dippin’ my pen in the company ink.
Favorite sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
Major: Community Health Pre-PA
Dream superpower: Ability to never sleep
Dream job: To bartend for the rest of my life
Celebrity you’d film a porno with: Will Ferrell
Favorite sex position: Reverse Flying Squirrel
Biggest turn-on: Nipple biting/licking
Ever been walked in on: It’s a sensitive subject…
Mary Kate of Murphy's
Dream superpower: Never getting hungover Biggest turn-on: Big feet Biggest turn-off: Big socks
Drinking Game The Race to Drunken Mountain Day drinking is the perfect summer activity, which is why Greek Reunion is every Illini Greek’s wet dream. Way beyond tipsy is the only way to spend this wonderful July weekend, so beat all your colleagues to it with this simple (yet effective) game. What You’ll Need: A good chunk of change for drinks, a few bar stools (optional) and a strong liver. Number of Players: You can play by yourself or invite as many friends as possible. Level of Intoxication: Somewhere between old school Robert Downey Jr. and The Red Lion Poop Girl. >> How to Play << Take a sip every time… - You see a guy whip his dick out and pee - You think about sexting your ex. on the floor. - You see that slut from your econ class. - You hear a group of girls jumping, hug- You see a girl stumbling out of a bar bath- ging and exclaiming, “OH MY GOD I room. HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN FOREVER!” - Someone spills or drops a drink. Chug your drink… Take a shot every time… - If you’re on the verge of being ready to - You actually sext your ex. rekindle the flame with that kid from your - You make awkward eye contact with your Psych 100 discussion. freshman year hookup. - Drunkenly make out with your ex (being - You see someone inappropriately “throw- drunk is a legitimate excuse, right?). ing what they know.” - You see someone fall off the table while - Someone has a nip (or dick) slip on The dancing. Red Lion water slide. - A girl squatting (ahem, peeing) in the line to the bathroom. The Game Ends When: Somebody actually gets to Poop Girl level. For the love of God, stop.
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Samantha of Joe's Brewery
Biggest turn-off: Whiskey dick Favorite drunk food: Chopstix! Last time you touched yourself, sexually: Yesterday
Continued from the cover But he needed a tan, and he needed it bad. So he asked his mom for any money she had. He made a quick stop and had it sprayed on thick. “I must say that this color enhances my dick.”
The officer said, “Say, son, you were flyin’. Why you drivin’ so fast? And please save me the lyin’.”
Then the Geed said, “Let’s go!” and started up his ride And drove down to Champaign with cornfields at his side. Green Street was bustling, all lined up with beer trucks, Filling bars with beer bottles for a few measly bucks. When he came to the first frat down on Third Street, He gathered his backpack and prepared for deceit. Then he knocked on the door and greeted the host, Saying he was a brother out on the West Coast. The boy looked confused but let him inside. The Geed quickly snuck off for a place to hide. He unzipped his bag and looked around slow; “Bottle openers,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!” He crept ‘round Champaign and lied to every brother To get in each house and steal from one after the other. Beer bongs! Lace thongs! Red cups! Decks of cards! Pong balls! Shot glasses! And Gatorade yards! He stashed all in his car after each stop while praying That his stealing would keep all the Greek kids from playing. But within all his planning, like some sort of jinx, The GDI forgot to snag all their drinks! He left beers in the fridge, beers in the cases, He left beers in the most obvious place of all places! There was tequila upstairs and more fifths in the back; He forgot all the weed, all the vodka, the Jack! He left dozens of bottles for the Greeks to enjoy, Completely and totally ruining his ploy. But the GDI’s tiny brain didn’t see the mistake, So he left for home, feeling as slick as a snake. The drive back to the ‘burbs didn’t go quite as cool; The dumb Geed was pulled over before he entered Rantoul.
The Geed smiled, with one more trick up his sleeve. “Oh I’ve finished my classes, sir. It’s time to leave.” I stayed some time extra to help with my degree. Now I must get home. Family’s waiting for me.” The cop was suspicious and still looked around. All these drinking devices but no drinks to be found? “Looks like a party,” the cop said with a snicker. “Must be underage to not have any liquor.” The GDI’s face dropped then with sheer panic. Did he really forget something so gigantic? He spun around quick and he started to flee, Leaving that copper on Country Road 1600 E! He rushed back to campus, his face red with fire. “How perfect that cop had stopped to inquire! If I hurry real fast I might have enough time To stop Reunion from coming and complete my crime.”
But after minutes of confusion from every Greek, Something shocked the heart of that GDI freak. Every Greek in Champaign, the blue and the pink, All decided to … well … just sit down and drink.
He ran over the list once again in his head, Hoping not to forget like before he had fled. “Grab the handles! The bottles! The fifths and the cases! Grab the cans! The mixers! Check in all the places!”
He hadn’t stopped Reunion from coming! IT CAME! (Along with every brother, and there was no shame.) The friends all sat around and talked of their summer, But for the Geed, this was quite a bummer.
But before he reached Green he caught all the traffic. “Get movin’!” He screamed. “Or I’ll start to get graphic!” But the jam wouldn’t budge; the Greeks were in town. “I guess I’ll give up, time to shut this plan down.”
“What do you mean they’ll sit there and ‘just drink'? Isn’t that boring? Wouldn’t you think? Why aren’t they angry or throwing a fit? Why aren’t they looking for someone to hit?”
“Even with leaving the alcohol all behind They’re too dumb to have fun without novelties of every kind. They’ll get bored in an instant, it just has to be!” To prove it, the Geed walked back to see.
“But maybe,” he thought, “I had them all wrong. Maybe it’s more than rough sex and a bong. Maybe these Greeks are just like me too. Well if that’s the case, there’s only one thing to do.”
He saw all the Greeks knew that something was up. “We have all this booze, but I’m missing a cup. Where are the pong balls? The octobong stand? Who would ever leave such precious cargo unmanned?”
The Geed strutted over and tried to make friends; After all, rhyming stories usually have happy ends. He joined in the circle, cracked open a beer. He was met with dark stares. “Get the fuck out of here.”
I Need Feminism Because I said so By: Becky Jacobs The women of the world aren’t done burning bras yet, folks. The internet-popularized “I Need Feminism Because” project shows pictures of college-age men and women holding signs and saying why they need feminism in their lives. Recently, a lost script for a YouTube video of celebrities promoting feminism appeared. The following is the complete transcript of the video that was never posted. The clip opens with Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” playing as the camera pans over a field of flowers. It cuts to the first subject, who is interviewed from a jail cell. Hannibal Lecter: I need feminism because men and women should be eaten equally. Both offer delicious, voluptuous meat that’s fit for any cannibal. The psychological analysis of women feeling inferior to men, therefore protesting society, is intriguing, like a victim crying out to their tormentor… Cut to a Victoria’s Secret store bra section. Kate Winslet: I need feminism because there’s no reason why I can’t be in more movies where I don’t show my breasts. Come on, I’m a 37-year-old woman who’s been exposed in nearly ten movies. That’s why I’m here shopping for bras. You know, I think Leo is behind this. What if in exchange for not getting an Oscar, he’s bribing producers to keep getting me naked since our Titanic days? That must be it. Cut to mixing room for The Great Gatsby movie soundtrack.
Jay-Z: I need feminism because I got ninety-nine problems, but a bitch ain’t one. Let that bitch do what she wants. Look at my wife. I put a ring on it just like she told me. Ain't got a problem with that. Cut to the Oval Office in the year 1858. James Buchanan: I need feminism because I need wenches to be more focused on a protest than on my penis. Yes, I am the only bachelor president. Yes, some speculate that I am homosexual, because of my bachelorhood this day in age. But this is one male homosexual who is not looking for a female posse to go shopping for shawls with. Switch to an island with a wrecked airplane on the beach. Amelia Earhart: I need feminism because I couldn’t handle the pressure. Other women need to take the load of improving women’s rights. This coward you’re filming crashed her plane on a beach because she couldn’t live up to feminist ideals. Cut to three stools in front of a black backdrop with clouds filling up the floor. The Holy Trinity: We need feminism, because having not just father and son relationship but also a mother and daughter bond would really help ease the rebuttal of the cruel joke of menstruation. – Feminism 80:08
Switch to a mint green office in a paper supply building. Michael Scott: I need feminism, because women should be able to say whatever they want in the office. They shouldn’t feel targeted by heinous e-mail forwards. They definitely shouldn’t be worried men will run them over with their cars. That can’t go on all day in the office. It’s just too hard. That’s what she said! Camera zooms in on Michael looking out the window after his profound revelations before changing to a scene of a crowd of women stampeding toward a camera, feminism signs held in the air. Pick up those corsets, ladies! Perhaps the world isn’t ready for this video’s message, just as, made apparent by this movement, the world hasn’t been ready for feminism.
the
interviews
Pitchfork Music Festival is set to hit Chicago this July 19th - 21st, but there's more to the festival than a wacky Icelandic lady and the remix to "Ignition." We caught up with award-winning Canadian heavy metal heavyweights KEN Mode and blossoming Chicago soul trap rapper Tree. It's like two sides of a very hip coin. By: Jess Sommers TBS: Was there anything that happened that led to the name of the band KEN Mode, as KEN stands for "Kill Everyone Now"? JM: It's actually a quote from the book by Henry Rollins called Get in the Van. He was describing the psychological state of mind the band Black Flag was in after they had released My War, when they had been tied up in legal battles for a few years. He described it as being in that zone of wanting to "kill everyone now," and when they got onto stage that they were in "ken mode all the time." So reading that as a 17-year-old I thought that was pretty badass, and we've kind of taken it and run with it. TBS: Is that how you feel when you're on stage, just giving it your all every time? JM: Exactly. It doesn't matter if you're playing for 3 people or 3,000 people, we like to give it our all. It's kind of the way we approach anything in life. You only have one chance on this planet, so don't waste time. TBS: As the lead vocalist in a metal band, is there anything you do before a show to get your voice ready? JM: I don't, I probably should. For the most part I'll practice leading up to a tour or recording session, and try to have consistent practices so my voice is in shape. I don't really do any warm-ups, which I know isn't a good idea. It hasn't kicked me in the ass yet. TBS: You guys won the inaugural Heavy Metal Album of the Year award at the Juno Awards last year. Is that when you felt like you made it? JM: Not really. It was a cool feather in our path though in terms of getting a broader audience interested and recognition that we've never gotten before. Before that
TBS: What sparked your interest in hip-hop? T: It's something we live and breathe in my neighborhood, something my brothers were in to and I got pulled into it. Everyone was listening to it, listening to Tupac, Outkast, Jay-Z, No Limit, Master P, things like that. TBS: How long have you been rapping? T: Since last year, really, since March of 2012 when I seriously started. That's what I released Sunday School I. That's when I started getting some press and admiring my work, and got on some "Best Of" lists. TBS: You've gotten pretty far in a short amount of time. T: It's the music, it's nothing less nothing more. I don't
we got kind of treated like we were a "kid band" because having such known bands like Anvil around, the media thought it time for the "kid bands" to have our time. But I was like, I'm over 30 and have been in this band for 14 years, I think we know what we're doing. And also the media likes to hang on to the fact that my brother and I are both accountants, so whatever.
KEn Mode
TBS: Wait, accountants? JM: Yeah, well my brother is actually a chartered accountant, which is the equivalent to a CPA in the United States. But thankfully I've been getting out of it, but I did do it professionally for a number of years. It's never been something I wanted to do, I was just good with numbers so it was something I fell into. TBS: At least you'll know if you're getting dicked around with pay at a show or something. JM: Yeah, and it also helps with data analysis we do leading up to tours, or managing our inventory or managing anything in the band, really. We're pretty precise and spot-on. TBS: What are you most looking forward to playing at Pitchfork? JM: It'll be interesting to play at a festival in America, we've only played smaller venues in the U.S. We've done big festivals in Europe, so it'll be cool to take in how Americans treat the festival experience, and just to see what Pitchfork is all about. We've had friends play the festival before, so we're curious to see how we'll be received and what songs we're going to have to play to not alienate everyone completely. TBS: Who's a more embarrassing Canadian; Chad Kroeger from Nickelback or Justin Bieber?
have $20,000 music videos, I just got a manager in January. The quality of the music is different, the pure talent and skill level as well as the production. And I have to say it's all a blessing. It's crazy that it's happening but its something that I've known could always happen. I know that I could be the biggest star. I am the most unique - the world is slow to catch up on what I have to offer and it's a part of my everyday struggle to become bigger and to become known. But I don't want to come off as a cocky asshole. TBS: Your music has been described as "soul trap." What does that mean to you? T: It pretty much means reality rap, something that is soulful. It looks at the everyday life. It's anti-poppin'
JM: Maybe Justin Bieber? Chad Kroger's made so much music that Americans love, and Bieber's just a pop icon. Bieber's stuck his foot in his mouth more often and he's grown up in the spotlight, while Kroger's a grown-ass man who's doing something very calculated, though he's a bit of a numbskull, too. TBS: What toppings are on your favorite poutine dish? JM: I actually don't eat poutine at all because I hate cheese. I get so much flack for that every-
bottles, and anti-all that bullshit that comes with the industry. It's music more from a real life situation, telling it how it is and making it into good music. It's a fresh take on educated rap, turning it into conscience rap that sounds good with harmonies and grooves. It's soul music. TBS: Chicago is pretty pervasive in your music and your music videos. How important is the need to keep the city in your music? T: It's very important because that's what I represent. I represent the inner-city, the inner thinking of the average individual. I'm not putting myself as bigger or better than my fan base; I am of the people. TBS: Chicago's hip-hop scene has been growing in popularity. Why do you think that is? T: I think it's because a lot of the executives in the scene are from the Midwest and it's our time, at least they think it's our time. The East Coast had it, the West Coast had it, and the attention is finally on us.
where. My brother will eat poutine if it's mixed in with some pulled pork or something substantial, but for the most part we don't really eat it. Does that make us bad Canadians? TBS What's your drink of choice? JM: It's varied over the years, especially the last four months touring the U.S. relentlessly. I'll have to go with a Lagunitas IPA. We got to tour their brewery while we were near San Francisco, and they treated us well, and their beer is quite excellent.
up with the Cash Money era, with Lil Wayne and Juvenile. I came up when Tupac was the shit, so I've got a new outlook on what good music sounds like. I'm not in the club, I'm not dancing and shit. And I know the music and I'm in agreement with most respected music critics, I know what good music is. I definitely understand when an artist is getting over a gimmick. TBS: What was it like working with Danny Brown on "New Faces"? T: It was easy, and it was different to be honest. I've never met him. He retweeted one of my videos, and I had no idea he was even aware of who I was. He re-tweeted a video from Sunday School I and he said he wakes up every morning and smokes a blunt and listens to that. So we started following each other, and I responded to him that I was working on Sunday School II, then we just rapped from there. It was no bullshit management, it was just straight up making music. He's a cool brother.
"I came up when Tupac was the shit, so I've got a new outlook on what good music sounds like."
Tree
TBS: What do you think separates yourself as an artist from other rappers? T: Most of the kids that are famous from Chicago now are young, 17-year-olds, and I'm 29. I'm in a totally different generation, but I'm relevant. I'm bringing something new, something truthful and soulful and really fucking dope. It stands alone. A lot of kids today grew
TBS: Describe yourself in three words: T: Talented, mature, overlooked. T: What's your drink of choice? T: Coca-Cola in a can.
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Breaking News Block Party Full of Sad Dads By: Jupiter Stevens
An insider is confirming that the annual Glendale Falls block party is just full of depressing dads trying to boost their self-confidence. The rumor that the neighborhood party was filled with sad-dad madness started to make its way around town when word got out that little Jimmy Henderson's dad had decided to fill in as the DJ. Reports came in around 12 p.m. that Mr. Henderson had brought out an old box full of his high school band's demo tapes and played them over the same outdoor stereo system he bought last week, because as Mr. Henderson pointed out, laughing, “the speakers go up to 11!” As the depressing, middle-aged shellof-a-man slowly nodded his head back and forth to the piercing shriek of his old Rush cover band, other sad dads flocked around the stereo speakers—a moment one bystander pointed out to be “some sort of mating call with no mates.” After noticing the odd coincidence that many of them had heard of Led Zeppelin, a few men decided it would be “such a great idea” to get the old band back together. “It all just happened so fast,” Laura Henderson, Mr. Henderson's wife, recalled. “There was nothing I could do to stop it. I just wish there was something I could have done.” Within the hour, the band of old men set up their instruments in the Henderson's garage and announced their return to
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music. One sign (written with Sharpie on an empty box of Mike's Hard Lemonade) billed the concert as, “Henry and the Hendersons LIVE: One Night Only!!!” The entirety of the show consisted of “one sick jam” in the D major scale and an “unbelievable” cover of AC/DC's “Back in Black.” “The way that they can't get over being 'young and cool' is unbelievably sickening,” one on-looker said of the performance. “I mean, that attempt at ‘Back in Black’ sounded more like Tiny Tim got jabbed in the throat with a power tool.” But the fun didn't stop there. The upbeat and confident rockers took to the backyards and fired up the grills in order to decide who could churn out the meanest burgers, like any typical manly party progression. Flaunting his flip with a little smirk and a raise of an eyebrow, Mr. Henderson served his pre-cooked meats to a nervously cheering crowd, afraid of the angered reaction they might receive for not playing along. “I hate when they get like this,” neighborhood kid, Danny Bilson said. “They act like Alec Baldwin on a Twitter rant, ready to snap if you don't shake their hands and tell them it was the best food you've ever had.” Two furious fathers loudly argued and nearly tussled after a small discussion on which condiments to use became a large discussion on who was “the bigger pussy” in high school. This incident led
to a post-meal pick-up game of flag football. The friendly game quickly turned to war when Craig Jetson, a father of four, targeted Mr. Henderson's bum knee on a fourth and one play at the goal line (two garbage cans at the end of the lawn). After Mr. Jetson's cheap hit on Mr. Henderson, a brawl broke out over a dispute on the determined yardage of the penalty. “He's always been such a little cheater,” Mr. Henderson complained, as Mr. Jetson continued to mock him, “Nothing's changed since high school, when we used to hang you up on the fence by your underpants!” Mr. Jetson continued to follow Mr. Henderson around, calling him a “giant baby” and rubbing his eyes as if he were crying. The grown man's spirited impersonation of a crying child was eerily similar to the way he was acting at that very moment. The men were finally distracted long enough when Mrs. Henderson decided to go find their old yearbook in the garage. Sad dads crowded around the Henderson's porch, as they bragged about glory stories on the playing field and their “classic” practical jokes off the field. “It's like this every year,” little Jimmy Henderson said. “If it's true that kids grow up to be like their parents ... I may as well just end it now.”
the Crossword:
CLASSTIME
Early 2000's Music >> Across <<
1) This rapper divorced his wife, Kim. 3) She married her childhood friend for 55 hours. 4) Limp Bizkit released their 2000 album with this processed meat in the title. 6) NSYNC sold 2.4 million copies of this album in its first week of release. 10) This rapper went to prison for six years for sexual battery.. 12) 2002 teen-drama starring Britney Spears. 13) Music festival returned after a six-year absence, but canceled the following year. 14) Young hip-hop artist who died in a plane crash.
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Answers
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1) Fergies joined The Black Eyed Peas during the recording of this album.
2) This influential Rock'n'Roll frontman became knighted. 3) Her debut album Dangerously in Love was the best selling album of 2003. 5) This popstar infamously kissed Britney Spears at the VMA's. 7) The infamous "wardrobe malfunction" happened during this event. 8) Winner of American Idol, Season 2. 9) Usher released this album in 2004, the best selling album of the year worldwide. 11) Hit collaboration with Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya and Pink. 12) Dave Matthews Band unloaded 800 lbs. of human feces from a bridge in this city. 15) Apple opened this music store, now the place to buy and listen to music.
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