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... l on ike t ev he l er y v eft eg ove gi e t r ca ra ul i y, ev flo er we . r
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Volume 4, Issue 2 1/31/13 - 2/13/13
Valentine’s Day Backup Plans Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this
Got a hot date for Valentine’s Day? A real go-getter? A real hum-dinger? A real—okay we’ll stop now. In any event, we’re glad for you. Not all of us are so lucky. Some of us had hot dates but they canceled on us. Some of our moms told us that the dumb college girls didn’t know what they were missing out on, and that we were the handsomest boys in school. In any case, if you find yourself in the unlucky situation of having no date on Valentine's Day, don't fret! The Black Sheep has some backup plans for you, so you don’t have to spend your night alone with Peter Gabriel playing, trying to trick yourself into thinking ole’ lefty is a little bit better. Spend Valentine’s Day with your mom: Sure! Why not? Your mom is the coolest! Well, at least mine is. You two could go grocery shopping and she could judge your driving habits. You could sit down at home and watch season two of Monk and you won’t even remember the hot date you almost had! It’s perfect. Then, to end the evening, you could sleep in your childhood bed and live as carefree as a creepy middle-aged dude living in his mom’s basement. Spend Valentine’s Day with YOUR mom: I can’t think of a better way to spend Valentine’s Day than with your mom! She seemed really cool when we met on Family Weekend. Oh, you didn’t hear about that? It was probably when you and your dad were going to the football game and she just stayed behind. She told me I was like “the son she never had” after we banged. What do you think about that? I've got her saved in my phone under “Mom #2.” We even got matching sweaters. Get Drunk: Some psychologists and friends and parents and pretty much everyone else would say you shouldn’t drink to escape depression. But you know what we say? Screw ‘em! Get your favorite beer or hard liquor, curl up in a ball and watch season two of Monk. Seriously though, it’s fantastic. If your roommates ask you why you’re crying and clutching a can of Schlitz, just explain to them that this episode reminds you of your grandpa. They'll go away. Listen to some Frank Sinatra and cry blood: When everyone else is out falling in love, why not spend this great opportunity getting to know that old crooner Frank a little better? He’s sure to depress the hell out of you, but if you play it loud enough, people having sex next door might even get sad too! Start crying loudly and ruin everyone’s night, then go to sleep once you're satisfied the moment is ruined for everyone else. How's that for leveling the playing field?
St. Prankentine's Day
Do some homework: While your roommate’s in the other room with his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day watching season two of Monk, you can get ahead in your classes! Your human anatomy teacher will appreciate it. And then maybe later you can appreciate her human anatomy, if ya know what we mean. Heh. Sex. Sex is what we mean. Plus, you can work the holiday into your homework! Turn that integral sign into a heart, study the periodic table while your tears stain the paper, gently caress a
what'’s inside
bartender of the week
We just can't wait until Fool's Fest, we want it now!
Maddy from Brewe-Ha's is married a Canadian... yuck!
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detailed diagram of a vagina. Get creative, throw in whatever body fluids you've got! Now go out there and get ‘em! You’re going to have the best Valentine’s Day ever! Don’t believe us? Your mom believes us. Listen to your mother! Come on, she listens to us. And we’re very happy. We don’t think you’d want to disrespect someone who could be your dad one day.
Back in the Swing of writing papers Not quite used to pulling an all nighter? Here's a refresher.
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