The Black Sheep
fr ee at ... l fa ike nc th yr e es silv ta ur erw an ar ts e .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Volume 4, Issue 3 2/14/13 - 2/27/13
The Inside Chang: oh no!
Community Service in Blo-No Scoop Chang wrote this
So your resume looks good, you have an internship, job experience, and decent grades. But you’re missing something critical: philanthropy. Nothing pads a resume better than serving your crappy, ungrateful community! But you don’t want to work at the hospital changing bedpans and you don’t want to have to do any real work. So The Black Sheep went out into the wild unknown of Bloomington-Normal to find the best volunteer opportunities. First stop: Old people. We stopped by the McClean County Nursing home and was surprised by what we saw. We have frequently participated in dogfighting and cockfighting rings at Al Bowman's summer castle, but sitting there watching old men duke it out for petty cash was horrible. The worst was watching the bouts between crippled men. We had never heard of wheelchair jousting, but we had to check it out. The orderlies put two babbling fogies into their chairs and gave them both javelins. With a mighty push the two men collided and the victor was the one determined to be “more alive.” After a few rounds we couldn’t stand it anymore… Also, we ran out of cash. After that awful display, it warmed our hearts to go to the animal shelter. This was definitely our favorite philanthropy; all we did was play with puppies all day. We would pick them up and weigh them and feed them copious amounts of butter. We weren't sure why we were supposed to do that, but it sure made the homeless puppies happy. Then came the best part of the day, adoption time! We would open the doors and the same 5 restaurant owners would come in and adopt at least 6 of each little critter! We can’t imagine what it must be like to live at their house with hundreds animals all running around. Mr. Wong was the most caring of all; he would only ever take the heaviest cats and the meatiest dogs. There's still some good in the world after all! Next stop was working at a homeless shelter. And when we say homeless, we mean homeless. These people were some of the poorest, smelliest hobos we’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting. We spent all afternoon making their smelly old cots and putting smelly old mints on top of their smelly old pillows. It was so tiring we had to take a nap on the memory foam mattress (which is reserved for volunteers). Later we had to feed the monsters – but we were happy to see one of the pet-adopters from before running the entire operation, even though he didn’t invite us back to his puppy mansion. After ladling chunky green-brown goulash into a paper bowls we decided to order a few pizzas. We ate so much we
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could barely move, so after throwing the extra slices away we slept for a few more hours. We don’t recommend working there unless you lack a sense of smell and feel like giving people seconds who don’t even deserve firsts. Cleaning up trash along the side of the road is a great way to give back to the community, and downtown Main Street is always the worst of the worst. Old heroin needles and dead hookers as far as the eye can see, just like when we'd have Christmas at Uncle Ralph's. We each put on our nicest HAZMAT suits and grabbed with
what'’s inside
Juicin' for Midterms ATTENTION, EVERYBODY! I AM LOOKING TO BUY SOME DRUGS! CAN ANYBODY HELP ME OUT?!
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stabby pokey sticks to pick it all up. The hookers were the hardest part. We’d stab em and they’d fall off the stick right before we could get them in the dumpster, but isn’t that always the hardest part? So take your pick, you can watch an old people fight club, watch over poor meat-and-bone animals, deal with grotesque homeless people, or get hookers and drugs off the street. Getting out there and helping the community is the second best way to make you feel great, right next to one of those tasty Catburgers from Mr. Wong’s Mystery Meat Van.
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