Illinois State - 8/18/11 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 1, Issue 1 | 8/18/11 - 9/7/11

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Dear Freshmen Isaac Dreidelschlietzi wrote this To: Incoming Freshman Class From: An Incoming Sophomore Dear Freshman Girls, Hi. I’m Jeremy. I like your shoes. Dear Freshman Guys, Yeah, stay out of my way. I’ve got new shoes to go show off to some girls. Okay, for real, when you’re coming into a new school like Illinois State University, you probably have a lot of questions and of course I’d be glad to answer those! How nice of you to ask me! Let’s start with a few, shall we? Q: What are the best places to study around campus? A: How the hell should I know? Q: Okay, so I’ve had this attachment to home for a while. I mean, I don’t really know my roommate, they smell, and I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t meet anyone. I just want to be happy, but all the girls think I’m a loser and I can’t make friends when I’m just little shy me. What do you recommend? A: What? Wait, were you saying something?

Other stuff

Inside

I have a saying, and that is, “Ask me no questions.” I always lie, so I can’t really have the second part of that saying. When it comes down to it, trust…not me. Anyways, let me officially welcome you to Illinois State University, home of the goodbur… I mean Redbirds. We do have a Burger King in The Bone, and it is quite nice, too. You’ll find that Illinois State is actually a pretty welcoming place. We have lots of different people here. Some are pretty weird. Actually, the majority of them are pretty weird. It would take several pages to tell you all about the crazies on campus, but just keep on a lookout for the man trying to sell you gold rings. Trust me, it’s not gold, and they’re not rings for your finger. You’re going to go through a few stages your freshman year, and they’re all pretty fun, fun in a “sobbing while cradling a bottle of vodka in the corner” kind of way. Stage 1: Fear You’ll most likely be dropped off by your parents at ISU, only to be greeted by many saying that your mom is a MILF, or maybe that was just me. Once you meet your roommate, you guys will talk awkwardly for a few minutes, and then the silence comes. A knock will come on your door. It’s your RA! Holy shit, are they cool or what? (You’ll come to interpret that however you want). You’ll meet your floor mates, maybe find a cute girl or a cute—I mean cool—guy to eat lunch with every day. Congratulations,

you’re still a lame freshman! Stage 2: Cockiness Okay, this isn’t like high school, where everyone hates the freshman. In fact, most people like freshmen. They have all the books from the classes you need to retake. But freshmen don’t get in anyone’s way, and they don’t know that ISU is a place to party, not study. So its fun! You’ll buy all of the long boards you’ll never need, drink all of the Natty Lights you’ll never want, and eventually adapt the word “bro” into your everyday vocabulary. Stage 3 (The Final Stage): Frat Boy or Hipster Douche There comes a pivotal point in a young freshman’s life when he must choose whether or not he wants to be a queer beer drinking loud music (you’ve never heard of) lover, or a frat boy. You just never know in most cases, but luckily I’m here to help you. Just pick one group and take pride in every aspect of life that it represents. Think of it like the Civil War; not everyone in the south was a diehard fan of slavery, but they just went with it. Instead of slavery this time around, its flat brimmed hats. Now by the time you’re done reading this article, it should be 7:50AM, and you’re going to miss your 8AM class, so scurry off mister young freshman. Just remember that The Black Sheep is always looking out for you and your freshman friends… Ladies…

less clothing if you're sexy, more if you're not

yes, we judge you for playing horse shoes

start practicing your hula hoop skills, y'all

summer pool etiquette

summer drinking games

preview: electric forest

Table of

contents

Page 4

Page 5

Dude's, seriously, no. more. thongs

It's time you scored out of your league.

Men's Summer Fashion

Page 6

Page 7

What do they say about you?

Because it's summertime! .

Summer Drinking Games

Sex & The U

The Livin' Is Sleazy

Pages 8 & 9 The World Famous Bar Grid!

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 10

Page 11

They are hot and kind of single.

Be a fuck-up no longer!

Bartender of the Week

How to Impress Your Company

Page 13

Page 14

We thought X-Men ruled.

Our interview with The Hood Internet.

The Movie Page

The Music Page

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Page Pic three

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Issue!

think your caption is good enough for page three? Prove it: caption@theblacksheeponline.com

Letter from the editor Dear Readers, I’d like to formally introduce myself, William Joseph “The Sunshine Tiger” Holloman. I, William (whatever you do, don’t call me Tiger) will be running The Black Sheep here at Illinois State’s campus. The Black Sheep is more than just the phrase “this is more than just a college humor newspaper.” The Black Sheep is where you’re going to turn for all the latest Justin Bieber pregnancy rumors. The place where you’re going to read all about the craziest parties from past weekends that involved polar bears, drunken mothers from parents’ weekend, and so much more. This is the place to hear about all of the nutty campus antics that never happened. This will be the newspaper that you will pick up to read about the latest news about the failing stock market, only to realize that you’ve found something better: an article about the top ten “puking on my roommate” stories. That too, might also involve polar bears. The Black Sheep at ISU is an entity in itself, and it feeds upon your laughter (and feedback). So go ahead, continue reading what we write, and we’ll continue writing what you love to read. And when you’re done, pass it on to friends, family, and coworkers, because this paper is unrecyclable and indestructible. We are The Black Sheep.

The Art of Multi-Tasking SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

THE WEEKLY HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION: If you could have any super power you wanted for a year at the cost of losing your non-dominant hand, would you do it? Which super power would you choose? Send your answer to hypo@theblacksheeponline.com, or reply on Twitter (@TheBlackSheep99) or Facebook.

Toodles, William Joseph “The Sunshine Tiger” Holloman

! s m a r g a n A y x Se

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Abruptuous:

Dreary Nylons

Derby Rock Elk On

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: Suddenly becoming very attractive for no specific reason. "I don’t know if Karen got a new haircut or what, but she’s abruptuous."

From 'da Streets "If you had a pool and you could fill it with anything, what would you fill it with?"

"Cooked ramen noodles..." Chris P., Sophomore

How To: Be a Pro Pooper in the Dorms Cleves wrote this The moment I realized that I was officially a college student wasn’t during my first big exam, it wasn’t while giving my first public hand job [Editor’s Note: nothing beats a good pub job], and it wasn’t even when I had my first pregnancy scare. It was the first time that I had to take a poop in the dorms. And that was only about thirty minutes after I moved in. You can imagine the emotional - and physical - toll this put on my body. My parents had just taken off, and I was left alone to conquer and destroy the public bathrooms. I mean, new students and their parents were everywhere! What would they think of me? Would they consider me classless for pooping on the first night? My butthole clenched at the prospect of it all. I bet that’s how all you freshmen feel right now, reading this, not having pooped for days because of your overwhelming fear of shitting in the dorm bathrooms. Your system is probably so backed up that a mere sneeze will send fecal matter flying out of your ears. But now, you can finally feel relieved, because I have the answer to all of your poopin’ problems. Fear not, my constipated friends, because becoming a pooping professional is easier than you’d think! Poop at odd hours: Most people can’t just decide to take a crap whenever the heck they feel like it. For most of us, it’s a sneak attack, like your parents walking in on you masturbating. However, there are a select few freaks out there that can somehow hold their bowels together until just the right moment. If you’re one of those people, set the alarm for 4:00AM and do the deed while everyone else is sleeping. There might be a few stragglers in the bathroom, but they’re most likely drunk/ high/sleepwalking and have no idea what’s going on anyway. Now you can sit back, relax, and drop some quality deuces in peace.

"Bud Light Lime!" Charlotte H., Freshman

Blame it on someone else: Pooping at odd hours is a little extreme, and it’s definitely not for everyone. But you know what is for everyone? Blaming everything on someone else! If you end up eating one too many fajitas in the cafeteria and release a real toilet wrecker, stinking up the entire floor, you just blame the whole ordeal on another person. Preferably the quiet one on the floor: they’re more vulnerable and less likely to try and defend themselves. Be crafty with various devices: Hand dryers are a chronic potty-shy person’s best friend. One of the most devastating moments in life is when you hear that “ker-plunk”, and you know everyone else in the bathroom heard it too. Then you have to do the walk of shame out of the stall – the worst. When you feel a poop a-brewin’, you turn on the hand dryer before you go in. They’re pretty loud, and actually last a decently long time if you play your poop cards right. Or, you can bring your hair dryer in the bathroom and leave that on, but that’s a little more obvious. You’re trying to be sly here, people. You can also not give a shit: I remember my high school biology teacher reading us a children’s book called Everybody Poops. It was weird at the time, but now I realize that she read us this book not because she was trying to give an easy lesson on human functions, but because she wanted to prepare us for college. Hey, kids, everybody poops! Yes, everybody, even good-looking people. And trust me, come two to three months from now, nobody will care that you just clogged the toilet in the handicapped stall. And no one will think it’s weird when they see you carrying Febreeze and a box of matches to the bathroom. So don’t be afraid to unleash some dragons while you’re using the good ole’ public bathrooms. In fact, it will soon turn into a bonding conversation between you and your floormates. Now that you don’t have the comfort of sitting on your own throne, the same throne you’ve been pooping on since before you were able to control your own bowel movements, you’re going to have to adjust your bum to some new sets of porcelain. Well, I’m pretty sure the toilets in the dorms are made out of plexi-glass, but that’s not the point, dammit. Hopefully this makes you realize that public poops are actually pretty easy to master. Happy pooping, everyone!

"A bunch of naked girls." Gregg P., Sophomore

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Horrible Roommate Classificat ion Chart

Liam Johnson wrote this

Some typical behaviors of a Class D would be hiding alcohol in the room without asking you, stealing your tape to hang up his Animal House or Old School poster, or “borrowing” some quarters to do his laundry. He might not be the best person to live with, but in most cases he is alright to get along with… even if he is kind of a tool.

College is, for all intents and purposes, a high-octane microcosm of the very real world just outside the “academic” bubble it purports to create. And like that real world it’s filled with different types of people. Most of them suck. Sadly, you’ll be forced to live with some of them. These are those: Class D Douchebag: This roommate might not seem bad at first, and in all honesty if you end up with one of these, just know that it could have been a great deal worse. Although often times they are easily lived with, it just depends on what kind of person YOU are. The more you tolerate the less douchey they seem, and many of these Class D roommates can be considered friends, or at the very least…buddies.

Class C Crazy: This type will have something very specific about them that will creep or annoy the fuck out of you. Sometimes it is tolerable, and you can get past her obsession with old hand painted dolls…all along her bed, and shelves… other times you can’t sleep because you swear their eyes move. It can be anything, really. Some people will have dedicated their entire lives to hockey, knowing what Zdeno Charra’s shoe size is or Kane’s high cinema studies project was (Ironically enough it was Taxi Driver). And they will spout endless Blackhawks trivia or slowly masturbate during game six in the finals. Some people take Anime to the next level, and you will walk into a full-fledged Hentai session with your roommate dressed as Misty. Basically the year will get weirder and weirder as you fall down the rabbit hole of their obsessions, but if you can get past that, then you’re gold! Class B Batshit: These roommates are simply insane. Maybe you won’t notice at first, and everything will seem alright, but one night you will discover the true hidden nature of these individuals. There is no getting along with these people at this point. You will have a terrible year, they will come in

and piss on your desk, throw up all over your dresser, invite skinheads over to play Wii sports. Just increasingly pissing you off through the semester. Every week expect a text saying, “Don’t come back to the room tonight. ;)” or if you are lucky, they will wake you up in the throes of drunken intercourse. Class A Asshole: These are simple: They might seem good at first, very friendly, very normal minded individuals. Until one night you hear that they hate you, and the next you find out they seduced your boyfriend and fucked on your bed. They will turn off all of your alarms on midterm week just because they know your grades are a little bit better. They are the manipulators, they are just… assholes. Just try and switch rooms before its too late. Class L Legendary: Some roommates are so bad. SOOOOO bad that it defies the actual laws of humanity, and sometimes physics. It is as if you have lived with an eldritch abomination. They can take the form of any of the previous classes and pump it up times 9000. One day you will walk in and discover something, the meth lab in his closet, or his belt of human tongues. You will find his racist manifesto, or the hooker he’s tied up in the corner. Or he will be Cthulhu himself. And Cthulhu will always go over your DVR shows to record Design on a Dime. That monster.

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A Study in Sleep. Deprivation. Liam Johnson wrote this Sleep is a precious commodity at the college level. What we once unabashedly abused in our youthful throes, sleeping entire weekends away without a care and then staying up for an entire month just to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus, something changes in our biological make up when we become college. Something turns our endless supply of sandman sand to merely a lousy bucket of sand that can barely make a castle, let alone give you proper rest. Sometimes you won’t be able to sleep because you need to study for that midterm in the class you only went to twice last semester, and sometimes you will sleep too much and miss your shift at your soul crushing dining center job/ coffee place job/ tech job/ girlfriend’s house. Clearly, sleep must be carefully managed and maintained, like a puppy that needs to be pet at all the right times or it will miss something important and won’t get into graduate school because you thought a twenty minute snooze…pet…was all you needed. Sometimes, sleep is messed with. Occasionally we are deprived of sleep, because fuck you that’s why. This is known in college as insomnia. This is also known outside of college as insomnia, but at least outside of college there aren’t degrees you must obtain, or pledges you must spank, or girls you must get rejected by. NO, college is the important place. Insomnia springs at times that are usually inconvenient, just like erections in middle school math class when the teacher asks you to show your work on the chalk board, and Bridget Henderson is sitting RIGHT in the front row. But, don’t worry; there are ways to deal with insomnia, aside from sleeping. First off, instead of laying in your bed trying your damndest to plunge your soul into slumber, why not do something actually productive. I’ll bet you didn’t realize I’m writing this at 5 in the morning. Sure, I’m tired and want to stab myself until I can “sleep,” but just laying in my bed won’t help. So I’m writing this article and before I started writing this article I decorated my entire room. When people ask me the theme I’ll mutter something about postmodernism. All thanks to the silent screaming inside my body that won’t

let me sleep. Maybe if you find yourself in this situation you should try reading, might I suggest The Black Sheep? It’s pretty sweet and I’m still in it. OR there is always the internet! Browse Facebook, and then go to another random website for a little bit, inevitably and instinctively going to Facebook again, until all four of your internet tabs are Facebook and nothing has changed except that weird guy you vaguely remember from high school posted lyrics from the Goo Goo Dolls or Train. Again. Next, when shame has finally lost out to boredom and lack of sleep, try stalking people on Facebook. Otherwise known as “creeping,” everyone does it every once and a while, except my roommate apparently because he’s better than everyone else. Go to Google and type in the name of that girl you met at preview who was really funny, and cute, and nice, but not boring or anything like that. She is totally more interesting and special than the others. And I’m not sure if that last sentence borders on sarcasm or earnestness. Sleep deprivation kind of blurs lines, makes things fuzzy, and kind of destroys everything separating irony and sincerity. Just don’t type her name in the status update bar instead of the search bar, hit enter, and then fall asleep. But why would you do that? Because sleep deprivation is a dangerous thing.

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Southside Dining Center to be remembered as “good.” Isaac Dreidelschleizi wrote this As many Illinois State University students and staff can tell you, they fondly look back on the history that AtkinColby and Hamilton-Whitten had on the ISU campus: It held over ten million previewers who decided not to go to school here after spending a night there. The rest of us, well, we just sleep there cause it’s there, and that hot girl on Ham 6 has been texting us all night asking us what’s up (Answer: my dick). Although the history of South Campus is profound, there has been one aspect of it that is seldom discussed: the dining center. Southside Dining Center is home to many food items from around the world and food services (also from around the world), but what do people actually think about it? We interviewed several individuals on the subject, and here are the results: Interview #1: Professor Nonengli Professor, we understand that you have eaten at Southside Dining Center quite often in your long career here in the Math department. Care to share your opinions on it? No, I haven’t. Who told you this? Professor, surely you have formulated some kind of ideals about the dining center. What about this potato salad you’re eating right now? Is it good? This is a chicken sandwich. Are you blind? No, but thank you for your time. Interview #2: Bro McBroseph Hey Bro! What’s up? Can The Black Sheep ask you a few questions about what you’re eating here at Southside? Oh yeah, sure dude! Shoot bro brah bro! How often do you come to Southside, and what is your favorite thing to get here? Oh dude, that’s a tough one. I come here maybe 4 times a day. I live right here so its easy, you know? But yeah my favorite food…hm…I’d have to say…maybe the spicy chicken sandwich…or the knuckle sandwich!!! [Editors Note:]Interview cut short due to promises of knuckle sandwiches for all of us.

Interview #3: Cindy Deltasigma Cindy! Hey, Cindy! Wait up! I just um…well I wanted to ask you something! Okay Isaac! What is it? You know my name? Yeah, sure! You write for The Black Sheep, right? I love that paper! Read it every morning. You know…you make me laugh so hard I sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. I…I…Cindy! Cindy, let me just ask you a couple questions okay? It's for the newspaper actually! You wanna be in it? Oh my god yeah! I’d do anything to be in the newspaper! Really? Oh yeah, what do you want me to do, Isaac? Name it and it’s yours. Just um…uh…okay…wait…do you mean…um…never mind, Cindy! I just wanted to know what you thought of Southside Dining Center. Oh, I really like it. It’ll be sad to see it go. The food is good. All my friends go here. I don’t know where we’re gonna eat after they tear this place down. Of course, of course. Well, you know there are plenty of other dining centers around campus. What sets Southside apart from the other ones? Oh, I just love it! It’s the last dining center with trays!!!!! We won’t have that anymore. How can I stuff my face with stuff without a tray? I can think of a few ways. What? Thank you for your time, Cindy! And there you have it, folks! Southside Dining Center is a great place to meet new friends and have fun eating! Make sure you stop by and grab a bite to eat this year before it’s demolished and they build another inferior dining center in its place. WHAT? No more quesadillas? I’m going to Watterson, screw this!

DOWNLOAD OUR iPHONE OR ANDROID APP AND STAY ENTERTAINED ALL YEAR LONG, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE...SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD BE STUCK DRIVING YOUR STUPID ROOMMATE AROUND AND REALLY NEED TO READ ABOUT THE BEST "NEW" PLACE TO STICK YOUR FINGERS, AND WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. YOU COULD BE SITTING AT A LAME ACCOUNTING STUDY SESSION AND KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD IS WITH A STELLAR DRINKING GAME, AND GUESS WHAT, WE HAVE THAT TOO. AND AT THE END OF THAT SESSION WHEN YOUR WEIRD PARTNER WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING A MOVE ON YOU PASSES OUT WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON, YOU CAN SNAP A PIC AND SEND IT STRAIGHT TO PARTY PICS FROM YOUR PHONE. OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL THE BAR SPECIALS, TOO. DID WE FORGET TO MENTION THAT? SEE HOW HANDY WE ARE? SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE AND GET HAPPY.

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simple solution to making friends in college Will Holloman wrote this So it all comes down to you and me. You’ve gone to your new, fantastic Korean roommate seeking advice on how to get yourself some of that college style poon-tang only to be denied because he doesn’t speak English (which you will later find out will lead to several instances where he’s “confused” and “accidentally” falls asleep with his best friend in your bed), and all of your other friends stopped texting you because they were really only your summer friends. Or you’re a girl and you’ve got a remake of Mean Girls taking place in your entire building and can’t seem to escape it, thus you’re turning to an inanimate piece of paper seeking friendship advice. Well, stop filling out that application to Jdate. com and continue reading for some totally terrific advice on how to make (the best of) friends. First things first: you need to consider this college life of yours to be in Mean Girls (booyah, second reference) and actually pick a certain style to characterize yourself as. You can sell yourself short, go buy a flat-rimmed hat (because even Wal-Mart sells them now), and join the masses of bros that lurk our campus day and night. Or, you can actually sit and think about what kind of terrible mistake you’re about to make. Since you’ll most likely just be going to parties, consider how hardcore you want your drugs to be. If you want your drugs to be non-existent, then go buy that flatrimmed hat and grab a few Natty Lights. If you want your drugs to be medium, then start finding various groups of friends that you would consider going out with and eventually one or two of them will have weed when you get to a party. Sometimes, you can find the really cool kids

smoking weed outside Southside’s dining center on Sunday mornings. As Charlie Sheen would say, “Winning!” If you want your drugs to be hardcore, don’t go to class, find the other people not going to class, and hang out with them long enough for them to pull out their pounds of crystal meth and/or cocaine. Remember, it is 100% okay to change your mind and leave if groups of people are being really fucking lame. With that being said, consider how loose or tight you want to make your friendships. If you want them to be tight, tell them your middle name, drink as much as you want and vomit and cry as much as you want around them (whether you’re drunk or not), tell them how many times “that bitch” broke your heart, and use the phrase “no homo” as often as possible. If you want them to be loose, tell them your middle name but secretly give them the wrong one, never show your emotions, and depending on if this friend hates vomit and tears, vomit and cry as often as possible around them. Also, compliment their attire or their looks and pause for several minutes before softly whispering in their ear, “No homo.” Once you’ve come to the realization that these friends might be “the ones” and you think that you’re ready to stop using the phrase “no homo” and admit your bromance with one another (that’s how that works, right?), please consider one last thing. Are you Facebook friends with this person and have you been tagged in a picture with them and gone through the torture of his or her friends’ comments of “who’s this faggot?” or “wtf is this slut?” and are you ready to endure this through thick and thin? If yes, then go on, high five for all of eternity.

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$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

$9 Domestic Buckets

$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs

$5 - slice and a pop

MON

$3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$5 - 8 wings and a soda

TUES

$2 You Call Its No Cover!

$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm

$5 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$5 - Redbird bread + fries

WED

No Cover!

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Bartenders of the

Week Major: Marketing Status: In a relationship Favorit

??? ??? drinking game:

Stacks

recipe for disaster:

Bugle Nachos

Are you willing to bet your laundry money on your quarters skills? If you are, stacks will appeal to you, kinda like that four-toothed hottie you stalk at the laundromat.

Bugles, the highly addictive salty treat, are a versatile snack. Much like a blank canvas, Bugles can be dressed up in lovely ways. Here is one of those wonderful ways.

Number of Players: At least two. What You Need: A bunch of quarters and some beers. Intoxication Level: That pre-teen’s gonna look stacked.

What You’ll Need: Nacho Cheese Bugles, queso, shredded cheese, ground beef. Cook Time: About 15 minutes Fatty Factor: 100% of your recommended daily sodium intake is an understatement.

How to Play: -Stacks is played on a standard table, have all players sit around the table. -Place one quarter in the center of the table. -Each player takes turns attempting to bounce another quarter so it lands on top of the quarter in the middle of the table. -If a quarter stops and is touching the center quarter, the player doesn’t have to drink. Stack the touching quarter on top of the middle quarter. -The game continues in this manner. If a player misses the quarter, they must drink. If the player’s quarter ends up touching the quarter (or stack of quarters), place it on top. -As the stack grows, the game becomes more difficult. -If the stack falls, the player causing it must drink one drink for every quarter in the stack.

Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef on the stove top. Add in some delicious spices. - Warm up some queso in the microwave, but it only has to be lukewarm. - With a spoon, fill each Bugle with queso. Put them on a plate like nachos. - Add the ground beef on top of the Bugles. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, then pop it in the microwave to melt the cheese, about 45 seconds. - Of course, you can add any amount of nacho accessories; green onions, black olives, jalapenos, salsa, guacamole, sour cream… mmmm. You can always make double or triple layer nachos, depending on how patient you are with filling the Bugles precisely with queso. Also try dipping the Bugles into the queso. This way, you’ll get most of the queso on your fingers, which you can then decadently lick off.

The Game Ends When: The group decides to put the quarters towards a Taco Bell feast.

Sexy Time

Sandwiches

INDiAN

Studying

Tail-Gate

Soups

ITALiAN

Hangover

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the evils of fat, i mean fast food dee wrote this I have a love/hate relationship with fast food. The greasy dripping goodness fills my taste buds with joy until I feel horribly sick and curl up in a ball of death. I’m also on a diet, so it could be considered a forbidden fruit, but not really. Unless I’m drunk, then it’s SUPERDOG ALL THE WAY. But what I’ve noticed lately is not what the food does to my intestines, but the commercial in which they are presented. Henceforth, I give you a bold but oh-so-true statement: FAST FOOD COMMERCIALS ARE RACIST. Let’s look, shall we? McDonald’s: I have only two points to make. 1: When was the last time you saw a white person in a Mickey D’s commercial? 2: The background music is always rap. Always. Straight-up blatant pandering. I do not feel like saying “pineapple” when you say “mango,” I just want to sip on my smoothie in peace. And not hear generic black dudes rapping about crappy food products. Wendy’s: 0% minorities in their commercials while soft, hipster music plays in the background. Upper-middle class white people talk about their hometowns in Colorado or Massachusetts while wearing boat shoes and button ups. COME ON, PEOPLE. And they only promote super-honkey things, like Wild Berry Parfaits. Just call it berry ice cream, it’s the exact same thing.

I do not want to ‘wake up with the King’ because that just means he was courteous enough not to murder me until my eyes are open. Long John Silver’s/ Popeye’s: Real Homecookin’! An inviting, large lack woman tells you how delicious her fried food is; just like mom used to make! Ebonics included. It’s pretty offensive to…everyone. Seriously, what self-respecting actress would agree to that job? And who even eats at Long John Silver’s anyways? Anything but their hush puppies will give a patron painful diarrhea for at least 3 days.

Taco Bell: Diversity Combo: It’s Super Effective! Always a white dude and a person of color. Also, no chicks, unless they’re taking an order. They tend to cater to the college-aged kids who are super stoned and want to liquefy their insides with twelve 50-cent tacos. There is generally a super awkward high-five or bro-pound somewhere in there, because I show my friendship by awkwardly smacking them in public. Hoorah. So I guess girls don’t eat Taco Bell, and everyone has a token minority friend.

Domino’s: Now, I really love their new pizza. It’s delicious. However, their new commercial is ridiculous. They show reviews in Times Square, as if anyone cares that much about their pizza. Bitches just want food. But the real comedy lies in the people. The two main characters are a butch lesbian and a Hispanic man. Named Jose. So original. They get this girl who sounds like Ellen DeGeneres and a dude with a really thick accent because their powers combined will garner an image of diversity for Domino’s! Right? Wrong. Give me a barely-there high school drop-out who actually works and Domino’s and then maybe I’ll believe you.

Burger King: Maybe not racist, but what is wrong with their commercials? Burger King caters to crazy-ass people of all shapes and colors who think that some dude in a melting crayon mask with a crown is going to deliver them decent food. Seriously, those commercials give me nightmares.

Everything else is pretty okay. Except for Papa John’s, which just has nasty ass pizza. I mean you can see the grease dripping off of the cheese. I just puked in my mouth a little thinking about it.

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the movie page Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan

Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister. Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.

Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh. Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster. Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunkinfluenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.

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the MUSIC page

The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago (where they’ll be playing four shows between August 24th and August 29th), with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like "Young Folks" change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% "screw it" and 50% "let’s not screw it up." Having a hit in the genre of "indie-pop" --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, "confusing." For us "the hit" works like a carrot on a stick, "Young Folks" has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

JAY Z / Kanye West Watch the Throne

C+

what's the big deal about a throne, anyway? Guys, life just isn’t fair sometimes. While some of us are begging our parents for new North Faces (that vomit smell just never really goes away), others are wistfully requesting a stainless steel mini-fridge and a bitchin’ new TV. You may glare at these people as they move into your dorm or apartment complex, hating how new their shoes look and how carefree they are. But later that night, when that mini-fridge is hosting a bunch of cold, free booze and that TV is pumping out some quality music videos, you realize that you really wouldn’t mind being friends with these people. Sure, comparing some over-privileged 20-something boys doesn’t really work when comparing them to two insanely successful rappers like Jay-Z and Kanye West but, damn it, I want to be their friends, too. And it only makes sense that two of the biggest of all time would collaborate on Watch the Throne just to show off how fucking cool, popular, and loaded they are. They tell us, “Hey, you minions down there! Watch that throne there, because our asses are going to be in it because we are the greatest rappers/people alive.” Well, then. There’s no doubt that they are great rappers, but do they live up to their own hype? It’d be easy to look at the couple of really awesome songs on this album and write it off as stellar. The intro song “No Church in the Wild” conveniently features buzz-rapper Frank Ocean of OFWGKTA, whose talent

is actually showcased as opposed to just some wacky antics of his usual rap collective. “Otis,” the first single, samples Otis Redding and gives the listener an immediate sense of hearing something great, simply because it’s not the same ole’ DJ-produced beats in the background. Both Jay and West’s lyrics are so smooth, quotable and onpoint that this song is the perfect blend of vintage beats and witty 20th century lyrics; “Luxury rap, the Hermes of verses / sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.” Of course, we can all laugh at some of the misses on this album. Beyonce’s pathetic yet well-intentioned attempt in “Lift Off” makes me think she begged J to give her a sample in his cool new album (sorry, B.) A lot of the songs on Watch the Throne are easily missed, though; generic beats, fast rapping and Kanye’s signature grunting just blends about half of the album together. While the not-so-good songs make the really-good-songs that much better, it’s strange how the tracks on this album range from amazing to just plain. Whatever, I only use them for their loud bass and their free beer, anyway. SOUNDS LIKE: Dulled down gold grills. DOWNLOAD: Otis, No Church in the Wild, Made in America LISTEN TO IT WHEN: You’re playing “Otis” on repeat at a welcome week party.

>>> UPCOMING RELEASES The Game - The R.E.D. Album Patti Smith – Outside Society Sonic Youth – Hits Are For Squares Black Tide – Post Mortem

Red Hot Chili Peppers – I’m With You Cobra Starship – Night Shades Beirut – The Rip Tide Lenny Kravitz – Black and White America

TBS: What's the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You've shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you're not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.

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TOP TEN

Freshman Mistakes at ISU

10) Looking Both Ways When Crossing the Street There are quite a few one-way streets in and around campus, so just be on the lookout for what’s on the right OR the left. 9) Buying A Longboard I get it, I get it. They’re super cool now, but our quad is in central Illinois, not California. Good luck finding a hill.

The Construction That Never Was Will Holloman wrote this Howdy y’all, William here. I just got back from doing an internship with a new, up-and-coming energy saver-type company based in San Antonio, Texas. They’ve got this big plan to save energy by expanding their borders and implementing ridiculously high taxes in what they will call “New Texas.” Anyways, I’m back and (pardon my accent) since I got back to campus a bit early, I checked out the new construction on campus and here are a few things that I found. You won’t believe what’s here. Fifth Floor of Stevenson: The combination of the English majors’ Avant Garde-ness and the Math majors’ummm…math-ness, a fifth floor of Stevenson has been created out of pure brain power (and a bunch of wiring and metal beams and stuff like that, too). I walked around the fourth floor and could not, for the life of me, find a staircase or elevator that leads up to this new fifth floor, though. Fortunately for us super acrobatic college kids, the windows of the fourth floor run parallel to the windows of the fifth floor so, all it takes to get up there is for you to jump from one window up to the next. NBD, bro (but for most, BFD). I know this sounds like a completely insane stunt to pull off, so I recommend that if you want to eventually get to your class that’s on the fifth floor of Stevenson, that you start training at Al Bowman’s rock wall in the fitness center. Demolition of The Bridge: This one is by far the best decision that ISU’s administration has made yet. So you guys know that bridge that leads from the quad to the Bone Student Center? Yeah, that shit is DONE-ZO! But before you start your nagging, check out why. The administration noticed the rapid increase in the bro population amongst students and the preferred travel method to class of long boarding. Noticing how fucking cool their students looked, the administration decided to help those long boarding sonofabitches become even cooler: They blew up the bridge and instead of installing a new bridge, they installed ramps that the bros must use to get from either the Bone to the quad or from the quad to the Bone. I even heard that by the time classes start, there’s going to be paid fake sorority girls waiting on both sides to cheer like natural idiots when they land their wicked sick gnarly jump to class. A Second Hand: Anyone who’s everyone knows about that one statue of the hand that’s got some sort of significance to the campus. No, the significance of the hand statue is NOT for getting peed on by drunks. It’s actually for some famous guy that probably did something really awesome for our school but nobody gives a shit because it’s fucking hilarious to piss on it and remember that instead of some famous dude! But anyways, they built another hand that looks exactly like it on the other side of the quad. I’m not sure who it’s named after (probably the same as the first guy but it was only built in hopes that this one wouldn’t get pissed on) but rumor has it that this is the matching hand to the famous pissing hand. Legends have said that if there were to be another hand just like the original, that the two must be brought together, formed into a clasping position, and then pissed on a crap load, like, gallons I’m talking, so grab your friends. But yeah, then something balls-to-the-wall awesome happens I heard. I double dog dare you to do it. COB Airport Walkway: A year ago, the maintenance workers of the College of Business were looking forward to the bittersweet return of college students that use their building to trek through as a shortcut to the quad. But then the devil himself ordered that the fitness center and kinesiology building construction be finished at once and that a new sidewalk be installed, allowing ISU students the opportunity to walk around the College of Business instead of through it. Once springtime rolled around this new sidewalk was hoppin’ with all sorts of people, leaving the old College of Business shortcut all alone to drown in its own tears. The maintenance staff noticed this and took it upon themselves to install one of those super-kickass airport walkway things that goes from one entrance of the building to the other, hoping to regain the title of “Walking Path I Usually Take To The Quad.” Sure, there’s some other stuff that went up over the summer—the Unicorn Ranch on Linden, for example—but that shit’s yesterday’s news. Can’t wait to see what pops up during Christmas break!

8) Using Dorm Toilet Paper Simply put: It’s worse than sand paper. You will bleed unless you go buy your own. 7) Going To The Wrong Class…For Two Weeks There’s a clear difference between Psychology and Physics. Find it and learn to recognize it right away. 6) Living On Top of Watterson The view is totally great, but do you know what else is great? The ridiculously long elevator ride down to the bottom when you’re late to class. 5) Handing Out Your Email at Quad Day Like It’s Nobodies Business No, you will not join girl’s rec soccer, the ski club, or the Black Actor’s Guild, so don’t try and be funny and put your email on their list. Trust me, the free cup is not worth it because you will get SPAAAAAAAAAMMMMED! 4) High-Fiving The Friendship Hand You know how it’s always a good idea to wash your hands after using the bathroom? Well, unfortunately for the friendship hand on the quad, it can’t wash itself that often. 3) Going To Avanti’s For Anything Other Than Bread They’re known for their heavenly-tasting bread… and…that’s pretty much about it. I mean, there’s the Gondola, but that’s got like cheese and notbread stuff on it. 2) Ordering Gumby’s Gumby’s is delicious! You know who will disagree with that? Your stomach a few hours later when it’s trying to contain itself while unleashing the hurricane of thunder-shit that Gumby’s caused. 1) Mispronouncing Schroeder Say it with me: Schroeder. Shraaaaaayyyyyddddeeeeerrrr. It rhymes with “hater.” So, don’t be a hater and mispronounce Schroeder. Will Holloman wrote this

SHOUT OUTS!

“Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls!” “Anthony! Remember that one time your roommate never left his bed? Let’s see if yours this year can keep that up!” “Hey Sarah, remember when we got lost on 55 South and got off on the Shirley exit, my car broke down, I got out to see what the matter was, and was attacked by homeless men in need of shelter? Good times!” “Hey Nick, remember how you chose to live on the top floor of Watterson? What a mistake!” “Hey Rhett, remember when we were on Chatroulette and you were flirting

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

with that girl who was really cute? Yeah “Hey high school students that I thought you guys were gonna really like to go hang out at The Bone get together and maybe even date until during lunch and before and after school! How about we stop doing that because let’s face it, you’re not fooling anyone!” “Hey Calc 2 Teacher, remember when you brought your kid to class Jill, I had a fun finding out you're the day before our huge exam and a natural redhead in the parking you couldn't teach us the most garage. See you around. -Texas important part of the upcoming test because your baby was throwing up? And then that really hot babysitter came in and totally distracted me anyways? Thanks for the D!” the camera tilted down. Fun night!” “Hey creepy guy that I kept seeing hanging out in the tree by Degarmo late at night! Let’s stop meeting like that please!”

SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK

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