Volume 8
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Fre e! his Like S elve ant s, fi a an nal d ly.
Issue 1
6 MISSED PENALTIES THAT WOULD HAVE WON ISU THE CHAMPIONSHIP Great game, Redbirds. You did Illinois State proud. No one who watched the 29-27 loss on January 10th could possibly argue otherwise. And we’re not bitter, either! Nope, not us. But… But… …Those refs, man. A lot of missed calls. So many missed calls. Calls that, had they gone the other way, would have brought an NCAA Championship back to Normal. For your viewing displeasure, the five most egregious missed calls of the game:
Face Farting: Ever since Rocky Fullsworth farted in the face of Percy Runthold in the 1932 NCAA Championship Game, Face Farting has been a little-known, rarely-enforced rule on the college football field. It’s only called in the most egregious situations, but if this Face Farting doesn’t merit a 15yard penalty, we don’t know what would.
Sexual Harassment: Maybe it’s not against the rules in football, but if it’s against the law, it should be illegal on the football field. Someone ask Tre Roberson if he asked for this guy to grab his ass. If Roberson didn’t, then not only should that creep end up in the slammer, NDSU should have to retroactively forfeit the game.
Too Many Men on the Field: An easy miss by the refs here, even if they didn’t catch the guy disguised in camouflage. No wonder all the Bisons on the field look so happy, they pulled one over on the zebras and totally got away with it.
Cheat Sheet: It even has the world “cheat” in the name! How did the officiating team screw this one up? Look at the quarterback’s wrist! It’s right there, ref! Throw a freakin’ flag—if this dude has answers to all the questions, then no wonder he’s going to ace this quiz game.
Unsportsmanlike Conduct (Flight): The NCAA does its best to enforce a level playing field, which is why ISU and NDSU play in the FCS and not the FBS. But, here we are with Carson Wentz literally flying around the field, both feet off the ground. Uh, does that seem fair to anyone else?
Intimidating an Official: Well, maybe this is why the refs refused to call anything. Look at that guy jumping, you can read his body language, “You cost us the game, you punk bitch ref, and I will f***ing kill you.” The entire NDSU team should have been ejected.
Though we doubt that the corrupt fat cats at the NCAA—obviously in the pocket of Big Dakota—are going to decide to hand the trophy over to us Redbirds, we think there’s plenty of evidence to suggest they should. Either way, great season, Redbirds.
PAGE 5
PAGE 10
TOP 10: NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY STICK TO
THE 5 GUYS YOU MET ON TINDER OVER WINTER BREAK
YOU CAN AVOID MAKING IT ON ISU PASSOUTS THIS YEAR...WE BELIEVE IN YOU!
OBVIOUSLY THE GUY WHO ASKS FOR NUDES RIGHT AWAY MADE THIS LIST.
PAGES 12-13 RESOLUTION REVOLUTION WE SCROUNGED UP 7 APPS TO HELP MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON IN 2015.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU JANUARY 15th, 2015- JANUARY 28th,2015 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?
BLUE BALLIN’ Getting a mad case of blue balls after hooking up with a hot chick, but still feeling awesome about getting to second base.
TARA BOUMDEAY
Dude, Anna is so hot. Yeah, I was blue ballin’ afterwards, but at least I got some action. High-five!
CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?
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ON THE STREETS How did you deal with ISU’s championship loss?
BREA
“I drank. Drank a lot.”
KALEY
“What loss? (I’m using denial.)”
RYAN
“I’m just focusing on being optimistic about another season.”
06
WELCOME BAAAACK!
THE TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS (YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY STICK TO)
10.) Don’t Spread the Red: STD’s are no laughing matter; except for the clap—that’ll always be kinda funny. Sex is great and you should have as much of it as you want, but you also shouldn’t trust anyone, ever. Always wear a love glove. 9.) Wait to Use Flex Dollars: Drunk Subway every weekend and daily Café Mochas at Einstein’s sounds like heaven, but you’ll be broke by the end of February and have to resort to using real people dollars, and that’s just awful. 8.) Avoid Getting on ISU Passouts: Sure it’s fun to laugh at “That Guy” passed out on the couch of an apartment party with dicks drawn on his face, but no one wants to be “That Guy.” Get drunk and have fun, but avoid passing out because as great as you think your friends are, they will take pictures of you, and draw dicks on your face… trust us.
THE BLACK SHEEP INVESTIGATES:
THE PHASES OF STUDENT HIBERNATION Steve Johnson wrote this With classes loathsomely back in session, students are just beginning to shake the cobwebs off from their long slumber. Slightly different than bears, the typical college student’s hibernation period only lasts from December 26th to January 10th. We aim to look into the drowsy world of college students in this special wilderness segment. In order to limit brain function for the cold months ahead, students put their bodies and minds through several phases, the first of which is Preparation. In late November, students take the first bold step to ready themselves for their long journey. In a pre-slumber ritual, students gorge themselves on large portions of turkey and then continue eating what they call “leftovers” for days after the ritual. This huge feast allows the students to do two things: store valuable resources of fat, and develop a mindset that is as apathetic as possible about the month ahead. The beginning of December sends students into a downward spiral of sleeplessness and stress-induced studying known as Finals. This will fuel the raging fire that is the students’ deep-down desire to roll themselves into a blanket and pretend they are a burrito. After the students are exhausted, and usually depressed, it’s time for them to experience a pivotal point of their hibernation phase. This ceremony, known as Christmas, is a time for the students and the members of their pack to gather and exchange gifts of equal value that are predetermined by each member (usually during the turkey ritual). During these exchanges the humans feel what is called “love,” or, “kindness” sometimes expressed as the “holiday spirit.” This holiday spirit is believed to guide the students along their hibernation journey. After all of this build-up comes the easy part for the students: The Deep Sleep Cycle. When the holiday rituals have been completed, the students bask in the warmth of their new gifts and homecooked meals. It’s not uncommon for a student to retreat to their room for hours or even days at a time, only appearing outside briefly for meals and what they call “pooping.” Although the students may not be sleeping for the entirety of the time in their caves, they are constantly in a groggy, sleep-like state. They may make plans up to four times a day with their friends, only to sit at home for ten hours binge watching Friends under a blanket covered in crumbs and tears. If they survive this ordeal, Reggie (a large, red bird) beckons the students back to their natural habitat to frolic among the campus squirrels and drink Busch Light from a can. Although they may have emerged with squinty (possibly glazed) eyes, they have made it through yet another dangerous winter. This rising is known as The Return. Now they must only watch their backs for prey such as professors or student loan sharks. With some luck, the young students will soon become full-grown adults, able to swim freely in the job pool with the strength and power provided by their business degrees and ability to chug 6 beers within 30 minutes. These skills will guide them until one day their children, too, may become a part of the Redbird family.
7.) Keep GPA Up: What’s the main reason people come to college? That’s right, to party hardy. But to stay in school and continue raging, you unfortunately have to put in some effort and maintain your GPA so you don’t get kicked out. Now that gas prices are outrageously low, you can use them as a standard of what you need to stay above. Remember, C’s get degrees. 6.) Conserve Currency: As great as daily trips to Chipotle sound, the poverty that is sure to ensue doesn’t seem as worth it. Try to avoid impulse buying and budget your money so that you can splurge on the important things, like liquor. 5.) Manage Stress: College is hard so if you wanna keep your head above water you’ve gotta learn to keep your stress levels in check any way you can. It can be anything from an evening blunt to a weekly mental breakdown in the closet. Whatever it is, pick a stress relief habit and stick to it. 4.) Don’t Be a Pussy: Start your year off the right way and take some risks for God’s sake. Ask that hot art major on a date, drink beer before liquor, play around on the stock market; whatever you do, just don’t be a little bitch. 3.) Less Netflix: This may come as a shock, but there is life outside of binge-watching Netflix alone in your room. It may not be much better, but it’s a new year and you should at least give socializing a shot. 2.) Limit Your Drunkenness: Drinking is a perfectly normal part of college life, but if you want 2015 to be the year you finally get your shit together, a good place to start might be to limit the amount of days you drink during the week. Or, if you really hate yourself, limit your drinking to weekends only. 1.) Be Better: Yeah, you suck. We know you’re reading this and thinking, “But The Black Sheep I’m already awesome and everyone loves me” and we’re here to tell you that you’re wrong, you stupid idiot. Maybe you’ve got some good traits and know some cool people, big deal. Things can always be improved, even in small ways. For example, make a conscious effort to be less of an asshole (and don’t say you aren’t an asshole, because everyone’s kind of an asshole). Jennifer Green wrote this
PAGE 6 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
SAY WHAT?
Sophomore Masquerades Around ISU as Santa; Several Injured Jennifer Green wrote this
Second semester is always hard to start: the holidays are over, it’s freezing, and there’s nothing left to look forward to besides the sweet serenity of death. One Illinois State sophomore, Connor McGibins, decided that the Christmas spirit didn’t have to end just yet. Shortly after spring semester classes kicked off, McGibins was tired of seeing all of these students—so happy just weeks ago—sulk around campus. One day after a particularly dreadful anthropology lecture, McGibins decided that there would be no more sadness. He bolted to CVS, made a bee line for the discounted Christmas decorations, and, lo and behold, there it was: the Santa suit that would change his life. “As soon as I slipped on that jolly, red belly and hella-scraggly beard, I knew that I had a responsibility,” McGibins told us, “from that moment on I knew it was up to me to keep the Christmas spirit alive. Deep down inside I knew the truth; I really was Santa.”
There was no stopping him from bringing Christmas joy to people, whether they wanted it or not. 8 a.m. the next morning, McGibins walked into Schroeder armed with a sack full of goodies for those kids who were nice throughout the year and an arsenal of pointy-ended candy canes for the naughty. He burst into a geology lecture yelling, “Ho ho ho, mofos!” The 230 students turned around at once to see the 6’6” Santa pelvic thrusting to make his jolly belly jiggle while dancing to “Jingle Bell Rock” squawking from a boombox on his shoulder. Before anyone could say or do anything, another Santa burst in through the lower doors at the front of the lecture hall next to the professor. He began to shout, “Ho ho h-” but cut off mid-cheer once he saw the other Santa staring at him from above all the seats while “Jingle Bell Rock” came to a crashing crescendo. McGibins quickly shut off the boombox and dropped his sack of
gifts. After five minutes of the Santas staring each other down, McGibins finally said, “There can only be one Santa.” Santa number two stared him straight in the eye and said, “Bring it on you fake-bearded fuck.” McGibins charged to the front of the room, pushing TAs out of the way and knocking the professor down in the process. McGibins grabbed a pointed candy cane from his waistband and ran at the second Santa, but before he could stab him, the other Santa moved to the side and landed a right hook on McGibins, who fell to the ground. Stuck on his back, unable to get up quickly because of his holly, jolly belly, McGibins rolled to the side, dodging another blow from second Santa. He regained his footing and stabbed Santa number two in the arm. Eventually, the tandem Santas rolled out of the room and down a flight of stairs. The Black Sheep interviewed a few students who witnessed the incident. Freshman Kayla Doven said, “It was
the weirdest display of dominance I’ve ever seen. I never thought that I could hate the holidays more, but after today I never want to see another Santa or hear another Christmas song again.” McGibins may not have been able to keep the Christmas spirit alive, but he did manage to annoy any
remaining Christmas cheer out of everyone. In the end, McGibins was stabbed, people were hospitalized, and students have finally had enough of Christmas and really… isn’t that the true miracle?
WATCHDOGS
Student Loan Sharks: They’ll Squeeze Ya’ Nuts Scoop Chang wrote this
With more and more students graduating with shit-tons of student debt, the government, banks, and schools are starting to worry about the giant bubble they’ve created and whether or not students are actually going to pay back what they borrowed. The problem? Most students have borrowed over $40,000 to go to school, to get jobs that pay only $20,000 a year (and also they don’t feel like paying their loans back). As one unemployed philosophy major told asked us, “I’m shit broke, what are they going to do, break my legs?” ISU’s new Student Loan Sharks seek to do just that. The new work-study program is made up of students who are, ironically, in debt to the school themselves and are hoping to chip away at some of that debt with work-study. These students visit ISU alumni and use what the university calls “threatening behavior” and “scare tactics” to get money from their delinquent alumni. The Black Sheep spoke with ISU alumnus Frank Bottom, who had recently been visited by the sharks. “I could tell he was still in training by the way he threatened me, you know?” Bottom told us. “He seemed really nervous and he was holding his bat all wrong! I really didn’t feel very threatened.” We received a call from Mr. Bottom a week after this first interview claiming that he had more information on the sharks. When we visited his house, we saw that his hanging porch plants were askew and, what looked like, bullet holes in his window. Bottom answered the door in a wheelchair. “They came back…” Bottom whimpered from the comfort of his cushy-looking wheelchair, “first some of my old professors shot up the place and then told me that I really hurt their student’s confidence by not acting scared. They…
they told me that next time I got threatened to act like it.” According to Bottom, the next day the same student came to his door and said that if he didn’t pay up, he was going to be in a world of hurt. He said this, apparently, while lightly pushing on Bottom’s begonias, which Bottom described as “mildly menacing.” “I couldn’t help but laugh,” said Bottom, clearly more menaced than before, “he was just pushing so gently on my begonias! But I wasn’t laughing the next day. I was awoken in the night with a rag of chloroform in my face and woke up again in Hancock Stadium tied the goal post. Then a few freshmen, who I assume were new recruits, were being taught how to take a bat to my limbs.” We spoke to ISU professor of Crop and Soil Sciences Lance Undergorn, who is one of the volunteer student loan shark instructors. “I think it’s criminal what these people do… taking loans that they might not be able to pay back? They’re literally as vile and evil as Hitler. I see no moral quandary about busting up their houses and beating up their dogs to try and get money that is rightfully ours.” We were intimidated by the way he spoke with such… italics, so we left as soon as we could, but not before he finished saying, “Oh! And if any of you youngsters are looking to make some extra cash, we start shark training again this semester! Apply now, or we’ll get ya!” So if you need some extra cash, sign up for ISU’s “Intro to Sharking” and in no time you’ll be busting up poor people’s houses and taking away their money. “ISU’s Student Loan Sharks, where ‘break a leg’ doesn’t mean ‘good luck.’ ”
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THURSDAY
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FRIDAY
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SATURDAY
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Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ
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TUESDAY
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
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$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka
$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza
$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs
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Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
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THURSDAY
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
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FRIDAY
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$3.75 24oz Cup $3.50 Liquor Special
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SUNDAY
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
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$5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
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MONDAY
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
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TUESDAY
$7 Premium Pitchers
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Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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The 5 Guys You Met on Tinder During Winter Break Staff wrote this
Tinder is a delicate game, and one you don’t want to play while you’re at home. Unfortunately, over break you got a little desperate and looked for someone down to clown around. No judging, we’ve all done it. The pickings were slim; hey, it’s hard to tell how old guys are nowadays, what with high schoolers getting in on the trend. Nevertheless, you were able to pick up a couple guys over break. Your at-home conquests: The Guy With a Dead Deer in His Picture Main Picture: He’s holding the antlers of a dead buck. No matter how urban your hometown is, you will always find a hick at home. Pick-Up Line: “Are those Ariat boots?” Part of you had a dream of banging a Luke Bryan type of guy. Unfortunately, he looked and smelled like he lived in a barn. Did he look like he was going to kill you? Yes. Did he? No. But did he sing bad country songs that made you want to kill yourself? Yes. His mustache looked a lot thicker in his picture, and instead, it was just kind of sad. You slipped out of the roadhouse while he was talking about hunting season. The Guy Who Asked for Nudes Right Away Main Picture: Probably a shot of him flexing his abs as hard as possible. Pick-Up Line: “Nudes?” You had to give it to that guy for having the guts to just go ahead and ask. It takes balls to expose yourself like that. Like How I Met Your Mother’s “naked man” trick, it works two out of three times. Somewhere, some girl with extremely low self-esteem added
him on Snapchat and sent him the goodies. You were better than that. The Guy Who Graduated with Your Older Sibling Main Picture: Probably him wearing a suit, trying to mask his inadequate progression to adult life. Pick-Up Line: “Aren’t you _______’s little sister?” This guy went to high school with you, and was a couple years older. He spent the majority of his college career smoking weed and not going to class, explaining why he’s a sixth/seventh/eighth year senior. While your sibling and her moderately successful friends celebrated their reunion at the bars, he offered you a night in his mom’s basement and a bottle of Burnett’s. You were almost tempted to take him up on the offer until you reminded yourself he still lived in a basement. The Guy Who Used to be an Athlete Main Picture: His senior pic on the football field, kneeling. Pick-Up Line: “Hello beautiful *insert winky face emoji*” Number one on the field, number zero in our hearts. He was the star quarterback in his high school days, but didn’t get into college. He’s chilling at your local community college and drinking chocolate protein shakes before hitting the gym. If you were going to hook up with any of your Tinder matches, it was him. Underneath his worn-out high school jersey, there were chiseled abs and no sense of commitment, making him the perfect at-home hookup.
The Guy Who Seemed Too Normal to be on Tinder, but was Actually Crazy Main Picture: Smiling. Looks normal at first, but look in the eyes—crazy. Pick-Up Line: “What’s a beautiful girl like you doing on Tinder?” You matched up with this guy and immediately sensed something wrong. He goes to your school, you have a million friends in common—yet you’ve never heard of him. Red flags. However, your desperate self met him up and realized he was normal... kind of normal. Something was in the air that night, and it wasn’t Phil Collins. You agreed to see him again, but the next day, he ambushed you by introducing you to his parents and talking about your future. Boom, there’s the crazy. Now that you’re back at school, you spend time anxiously hoping you don’t run into him. Lesson learned—never hook up with the crazy dude.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken Major: Recreation Therapy Favorite Drink: Margaritas Favorite Shot: Fireball and RumChata Disgusting Drink: Vodka and Coke
SARAH AT MAGGIE MILEY’S
What’s the best back to school winter drink?: Coffee and Rum Chata What song are you most excited to hear 1,000 times the first month of this semester?: “Down by the River” by Milky Chance 2014 will be remembered as the year of…: Taylor Swift 2015 will be remembered as the year of…: Fuckin’ awesomeness. Jeff Goldblum comes into Maggie Miley’s and ask you to buy him a drink. What happens next?: I would ask him why he can’t afford to buy his own drinks. Is 2015 the year the worlds ends?: No, save it for 2016. Five quick words on what Dianne posted to Karen’s Facebook Wall: I’m sorry your turtle died. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because the Bartender of the Week section is great.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
RESOLUTIONS SCHMESOLUTIONS
MOCK APPLE PIE
Now that you’re back on the academic grind, you can drink beer with your at-school friends and associates, rather than the high school friends you still pretend to like. So, why not start off the new year by seeing how others are starting off their new year?
Back at school and already miss mom’s home-cookin’? Well, you’re no culinary wizard, so what is a boy to do? Fake it ‘til ya make it, son. Let’s do a fake apple pie.
What You’ll Need: Fortitude beyond your years, social acumen, beer. Number of Players: This is one of those games you play with yourself. Yes, yes, like masturbation. Very clever. Level of Intoxication: Well, how creative is your social circle? How to Play: -Attend a party or head to a bar. You’re going to need to be in a crowded room of people. -Approach someone at the event and ask them, simply, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?” -Take a big ole’ gulp for every generic resolution that heads your way. Think “better shape” or “to attend class regularly.” -Two drinks for any resolution you hear that is less about self-improvement and more about getting more out of innocent bystanders, like “I’m going to get laid by at least six different people,” or “I’m going to win a karaoke competition.” -Demand the person you asked take a drink with you if they have an oddly specific resolution. “I promised myself I’ll stop drunk texting Karen this year,” for example. -Take two big swigs if the person fessed up to already breaking his or her resolution. -If the person is one of those, “I don’t make resolutions” pragmatists, pragmatically make him or her help you finish your drink. The Game Ends When: You resolve to be less annoying to strangers who don’t want to play your dumb game.
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What You’ll Need: A box of Ritz crackers, a pre-made pie crust, butter, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, water. Fatty Factor: It’s pie, so, like…pie-level fattiness. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 425 degrees. -In a saucepan over medium-high heat, combine 2 cups water and 1 cup white sugar. Bring to a boil. -Drop 30 whole Ritz into the boiling morass and let boil for 5 minutes. Pour the mixture into the pie shell and sprinkle it with ½ teaspoon of cinnamon. -Mix together 1 cup crushed Ritz crackers, ½ cup brown sugar, ½ teaspoon cinnamon, and 1/3 cup butter. Sprinkle this over the pie. -Bake pie for 15 minutes at 425. Reduce heat to 375 degrees and bake for 20 more minutes. -Remove and let cool for 1 hour before serving (the whole thing to yourself.) Sure, it’s not perfect, but it’s pretty good…just like you! Plus, who needs delicious, nutritious apples when you can get boxed, preformed crackers for the same price? They’ll last forever, not like those stupid apples.
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Who it’s For: Freshly-resolved drunks and those who lack the basic human skill of recognizing other humans based on their, you know, face. It’s called prosopagnosia, look it up. What it Does: Organizes people in your phone based on how and when you met. So when you’re trying to track down those lazy shitheads in your group project you could search “English 301 group project” and those lazy shitheads would pop up. You’ll Learn to Hate it When…: You search “LOCAL BAR” and 30 names pop up, leaving you nowhere near remembering who that sultry brunette was who bought you a Fireball shot—but you sure as hell have met a lot of people you don’t remember there! Might as well stick with ol’ reliable “LOCAL BAR” in your phonebook and save the $0 this app costs for something else.
Who it’s For: Those of you who were “too cool” to take notes last semester and received bad ass Cs and Ds on your finals. You’re going to need a new approach, and since taking hand-written notes on an iPad is the opposite of cool, give this a shot. What it Does: Takes your (digitally) hand-written notes and makes them all pretty-like, turning your serial killer-esque chicken scratch into legible font and all those graphs you draw into perfect, re-sizeable shapes. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Come test-time, all those mindless doodles and dicks you drew look just as official as the actual notes. Is that a sketch of the Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima statue or four penises laying on top of each other? Let’s not forget that everyone will hate you for writing notes by hand on an iPad, and hopefully that hate will turn into self-hatred.
Who it’s For: To-be-graduating seniors who, for whatever reason, have yet to find post-graduation employment. Whether it’s because you’re finally snagging that bomb degree in unified philosophy or simply because you’re a lazy piece of human garbage who hasn’t started looking yet, you’ll need all the help you can get. What it Does: Aggregates job postings from major websites and company postings. Also, shows jobs based on geography. Work smarter, not harder, you know? Hey, use that in the job interview! You’ll Learn to Hate it When: You slowly come to realize Indeed is little more than an efficient way for you to pile up the rejection letters. Hey, how much more in student loans would you need to pursue another bachelor’s degree?
Who it’s For: You, the modern-day lothario-on-the-go. This year you’ve resolved to have what kids call “the sex.” For, it is women that you will have, yes, many of them. 2015 is going to be the year you get laid many a time. What it Does: Well, “CATE” is an acronym for “Call And Text Eraser,” so, it does that. Which, you know, if you meet a lucky lady at a party on Thursday, and then another lucky lady at a party on that Friday, then ANOTHER lucky lady getting coffee on Saturday morning, you can consider your player-ass self lucky that they’ll never have to know about each other, until... You’ll Learn to Hate it When: ...One of your “many” sexual conquests also happens to have CATE. She’ll know what it does—she’s not an idiot, she’s playing the same game you’re playing-- and she’ll be more than happy to track down the other four women you’ve been trying to sleep with and let them know about your hijinx. Hey, porn is free, and you never have to ask it for forgiveness.
Who it’s For: 2014 was pretty good to you, mate, and in turn you want to do some good for the world. Well, then maybe get like Haley Joel Osment and pay that bitch forward. What it Does: The app hits you up with suggestions about good deeds you can do locally. For example, you might get one that says, “Leave a copy of a really great book you read at a cafe for someone else to enjoy.” Hah, yeah, like people enjoy reading. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: Suddenly you go to the ATM to snag a crisp $20 and you realize, then, in that moment, that suddenly you’re the one in need of a good deed because doing nice thing here and kind act there adds up, and now you’re destitute, cold, alone and charitable, which is no way to live your life.
Who It’s For: FATTIES LIKE YOU. What it Does: Ideal Weight lets you enter your data—height, weight, and the ilk—and in turn, it’ll give you your ideal BMI. Whether you’re underweight (yeah, right) overweight (ding, ding, ding!) or just right (no one loves you), you’ll know that, yes, in 2015 you’re going to kick some gym ass and take some gym names, like Jim. You’ll Learn to Hate It: Because what business, by god, does a stupid $5 app have telling you, a goddamn citizen of the United States of America, what you can and can’t shove in your motherlovin’ food-hole when you want to shove whatever it is you want in your goddamn American food-hole? Benjamin Franklin didn’t ward off the British in Denver all by himself to have a stupid robot tell you how to live your life. PIZZA AND REVOLUTION.
Who it’s For: Smokers, jokers, and midnight tokers. What it Does: It helps you quit smoking. Pretty straightforward. You’ll Learn to Hate it When: All the “stats”— meant to show you how long you’ve gone, how much money you’ve saved, etcetera—only remind you how much you miss smoking. It’s been 12 days, 5 hours and 32 seconds since you stood in the chilly New Year’s Eve air, just before midnight looking out from your friend’s balcony, chatting, and filling your lungs with that sweet, burning grey smoke. You’ll never have that social escape again. Oh you’ve saved $30? Think of all the cigs you could buy with $30… think of all the conversations and inside jokes that money has cost you… is it really worth it?
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