Vol. 5, Issue 1
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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8/22/13 - 8/28/13
Legacy Freshman
Gives Advice To Other Freshmen BY: Sevin Ketze “This over here is the Bone Student Center, it’s where pretty much the whole campus goes to hang out and study and eat between classes. If I were you, I’d stay away while classes are going on, place gets packed tighter than a mosh pit,” advised Zac Tucker, who had visited his brother for three weekends over the past four years, to his two high school friends as he led them around ISU’s campus. “But I like to call it the BONER student center, hahaha!” laughed Zac, whose “campus legend” brother Kyle in reality was known by no more than thirty-five students in his four and a half years at ISU. “That’s my joke though, you guys can use it, but you have to tell people it’s my joke. Okay? Larry, you listening? Am I boring you, Larry? You guys should be grateful I’m taking you under my wing.” After crossing the College Avenue bridge and narrowly managing to avoid the nasty coupon and leaflet trolls that control it, Zac stopped the group on Schroeder Plaza and ran his fingers along the campus map. “Here’s us, and here’s the Manchester Towers, which is where we’ll be rockin’. Over here is the Watterston Tower, way across here is Tri-Towers, and down here are the South Campus dorms that have a bunch of names I forget.” He turned and pointed in the direction of the tall glassy buildings that were closed down last year. “My brother says those rooms suck but it’s got the best community fa sho, and I tried to get a room there but I guess they were all filled up. Plus they didn’t have any suites, and like, fuck that. A legacy staying in a regular room, can you imagine?” Walking along the quad, Zac continued pointing out the hidden treasures of the campus. “Over there is Cook Hall, but I like to call it Cock Hall, hahaha! That used to be part of a huge castle in Newfoundland, but back in the 60s one of ISU’s past presidents stole a military helicopter and carried it here. And then he carried the rest of the castle in pieces to the other state schools in Illinois so they wouldn’t know who did it. Pretty smart. And over there is the hand of the great stone giant Robert Bone, which was cut off by the immortal time-lord Alvin Bowman as a token of their friendship. Which doesn’t really make sense to me, but
anyway I like to call it the—oh shit, you see that guy smoking? Guys, you can NOT do that, okay? This is a no-smoking campus, and everybody, and I mean everybody, will flip the fuck out on you. Any moment now, people are gonna notice and attack the shit outta that guy.” Larry and Chuck nodded at everything Zac said, although they knew from reading the ISU Wikipedia article for five minutes
page 4
page 6
Top 10 signs your roommate is trying to kill you
This Year’s gonna be Different
what you need to know to stay alive this semester.
The lie we tell our self every year.
that hardly any of it was true, but they kept silent because Zac was the only guy they knew who knew anybody 21. “And none of you guys should try to smuggle any booze into the dorms, they really watch out hardcore for that. Being a legacy I’ll be able to handle it easily, for a hefty fee of course, but we can talk numbers later. Whoa! Look over there, Reddie Redbird is taking pictures with people! We better seize this chance for a sweet-ass prof-pic, everybody is gonna be SO jealous that we met him!”
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Bartender of the week Rachel of Mulligan’s isn’t opposed to the occasional tickle fight.