Vol. 5, Issue 1
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
fre bac e...lik k m e an a dru ssage unsol nk fro icit fri m y ed end ou r .
8/22/13 - 8/28/13
Legacy Freshman
Gives Advice To Other Freshmen BY: Sevin Ketze “This over here is the Bone Student Center, it’s where pretty much the whole campus goes to hang out and study and eat between classes. If I were you, I’d stay away while classes are going on, place gets packed tighter than a mosh pit,” advised Zac Tucker, who had visited his brother for three weekends over the past four years, to his two high school friends as he led them around ISU’s campus. “But I like to call it the BONER student center, hahaha!” laughed Zac, whose “campus legend” brother Kyle in reality was known by no more than thirty-five students in his four and a half years at ISU. “That’s my joke though, you guys can use it, but you have to tell people it’s my joke. Okay? Larry, you listening? Am I boring you, Larry? You guys should be grateful I’m taking you under my wing.” After crossing the College Avenue bridge and narrowly managing to avoid the nasty coupon and leaflet trolls that control it, Zac stopped the group on Schroeder Plaza and ran his fingers along the campus map. “Here’s us, and here’s the Manchester Towers, which is where we’ll be rockin’. Over here is the Watterston Tower, way across here is Tri-Towers, and down here are the South Campus dorms that have a bunch of names I forget.” He turned and pointed in the direction of the tall glassy buildings that were closed down last year. “My brother says those rooms suck but it’s got the best community fa sho, and I tried to get a room there but I guess they were all filled up. Plus they didn’t have any suites, and like, fuck that. A legacy staying in a regular room, can you imagine?” Walking along the quad, Zac continued pointing out the hidden treasures of the campus. “Over there is Cook Hall, but I like to call it Cock Hall, hahaha! That used to be part of a huge castle in Newfoundland, but back in the 60s one of ISU’s past presidents stole a military helicopter and carried it here. And then he carried the rest of the castle in pieces to the other state schools in Illinois so they wouldn’t know who did it. Pretty smart. And over there is the hand of the great stone giant Robert Bone, which was cut off by the immortal time-lord Alvin Bowman as a token of their friendship. Which doesn’t really make sense to me, but
anyway I like to call it the—oh shit, you see that guy smoking? Guys, you can NOT do that, okay? This is a no-smoking campus, and everybody, and I mean everybody, will flip the fuck out on you. Any moment now, people are gonna notice and attack the shit outta that guy.” Larry and Chuck nodded at everything Zac said, although they knew from reading the ISU Wikipedia article for five minutes
page 4
page 6
Top 10 signs your roommate is trying to kill you
This Year’s gonna be Different
what you need to know to stay alive this semester.
The lie we tell our self every year.
that hardly any of it was true, but they kept silent because Zac was the only guy they knew who knew anybody 21. “And none of you guys should try to smuggle any booze into the dorms, they really watch out hardcore for that. Being a legacy I’ll be able to handle it easily, for a hefty fee of course, but we can talk numbers later. Whoa! Look over there, Reddie Redbird is taking pictures with people! We better seize this chance for a sweet-ass prof-pic, everybody is gonna be SO jealous that we met him!”
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
page 9
Bartender of the week Rachel of Mulligan’s isn’t opposed to the occasional tickle fight.
>> Table of Contents << page 4: How to not be a freshman >> Step one: don’t grow a college goatee. page 5: On the Streets >> What late night food were you craving this summer? page 7: Summer in the town of townies >> This school year, don’t take boobeers for granted.
4
page 10: The Inevitable “how was your summer?” conversation >> We look at four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school.
7
page 11: Should I Go on Reddit? >> Follow our flowchart to potential procrastination. page 12: The Black Sheep’s Guide to drinking wine like a boss >> We talk fancy with two wine experts. page 14: THe Vice is Right >> Do you know the prices of your favorite vices?
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Leeweight
Word
The vague weight a college student cites as their actual weight, knowing the number to be inaccurate.
of the
“When Eric told Melissa he weighed 170 pounds, hoping he could keep his shirt on during sex, he was giving her his shameful, shameful leeweight.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_ISU First right answer wins a prize!
Seriously?
DON’T MESS AROUND WITH
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Check Back Next Week For The Answer!
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Gay San Francisco government icon’s sweet bedtime snack. Check back next week for the answer!
How To Not Be
The
Top
Ten A freshman
signs your roommate is trying to kill you
By: Isaac Dreidelschleitze
Do you suspect your roommate is trying to kill you? Finally the experts at The Black Sheep have the signs! 10.) He smiles at you for no apparent reason: This should be a standard warning that your roommate is trying to kill you. When you walk into the room and he swivels around in his chair smirking at you, you gotta know something’s up. Or he could want you. Who knows? 9.) He offers to get you drinks all the time: When you go to the cafeteria with your roommate and he offers to get your drink, this should be an alarm. He could be trying to slip roofies in there! Actually, shit, that kind of furthers the notion that he might want you. 8.) He asks if your kidneys are both functioning properly: Typically people don’t really care about their friends’ organs. Perhaps he was interested in harvesting them from your body and selling them on eBay. This dude’s messed up—wait…maybe he just cares about your health. Aw, he’s a sweetheart. 7.) He switches your allergy meds with Tic-Tacs: Okay, this one is a sure sign. You’re eating a peanutladen sandwich one day and all of a sudden need your meds. Mints aren’t gonna save you here. He’s definitely trying to kill you. Or… maybe he’s trying to rescue you by giving you pills at the last second. What a lifesaver! Swoon.
Here’s what you NEED to know. Alright here’s a word of advice: You may have gotten accepted into this university, but you’re crazy if you think you’re going to be able to just “hang out” with a seasoned Illinois State student without knowing what you’re up against. ISU students are not your typical, run-of-the-mill house cats (like those U of I students). They are wild, untamable beasts who consume unseemly amounts of alcohol and pizza, and will stop at nothing to have a good time, all the time. They have a culture all their own which has been developed for the sole purpose of weeding out grunts like you, so listen up; because they’re sick of all you newbies puking on their sofas and acting like big shots at their parties. Here’s what you NEED to know… Avoid the Super Seniors: Since you are a freshman, you will be in 100-level classes. In said classes, you will notice at least one or two seasoned ISU students. Only hang out with these kids as a last resort, as these leftovers are the ones who partied too hard, and as a result, failed themselves back to square one. You’re not ready for their parties yet, and if they are who we think they are, we don’t want them back at our parties either. We were never able to get that stain out, we lost our security deposit to a broken window, and we had to bury our best bong because of a keg stand that failed miserably. Do yourself a favor; learn from their mistakes so that you can party hardy without being college tardy. Partying can be awesome, just as long as your reputation doesn’t precede you in a dunce cap and puddle of puke. Avoid all Upperclassmen: On the flip side, you might be one of those egg heads in an advanced level class. If so, congrats, you’re not as dumb as they come. There will be
04
By: Chong Lighter Meyers
sophomores present in these classes, but DON’T TALK TO THEM; let them approach you. Upperclassmen find freshmen way too chatty and way too eager to get blitzed, and we (the upperclassmen) need to do some analyzing before we let you kiddies near our best and only bar stools. The less you try to impress us, the more we’re going to like you! That being said, if you want to buy us stuff to impress us, then by all means do not hesitate! We like Al Bowman’s Trail Mix and Jack Daniel’s. Avoid Your Peers: When classes are over on Friday and you find yourself invited to a party, DO NOT invite your entire dorm floor unless you received the answer “Yeah bring whoever!” Think of an invite to one of our parties as access to an exclusive pirate club. Should you abuse this privilege, we will release a very drunk and enraged kraken. Hint: Bring attractive people or people who significantly improve through drunk goggles. In Fact, Just Avoid Everyone: Most ISU students are cynical until inebriated, so if you survived the weekend and someone adds you on Facebook, do not confuse this with a “feel free to say hi to me whenever you see me” card. During the week, we’re all in study/recovery mode and won’t become friendly until Thursday afternoon. That means if you see us in CVS or in the gym, don’t try to literally run into us, as chances are you’ll get the figurative horns. This also applies to the professors, and we’re serious (from experience). So in short, just be yourself; just not your bright, peppy freshman self. Think of how Charlie Sheen would be if he was hung over, and just do that! Now you’re ready to hang with the big kids.
6.) He stares out the window and asks if you’d like to learn how to fly: No. Tell your RA as soon as possible. This dude is going to throw you out the fuckin’ window. But… you know, he could be planning a surprise for your birthday! A hot-air balloon trip across Normal? This guy rules! 5.) He asks if you’re familiar with the taste of poison: This sounds like he wants to make sure you wouldn’t know you were being poisoned. I can see how you think this is him trying to kill you. But maybe… he’s just misunderstood. He’ll give you a little poison; it’s so sensual! And then… later, in the hot tub… oh, you won’t believe what he can do with bath oils. 4.) He’s always sharpening knives: Whenever you enter the room he’s sharpening those things. They also seem to have your name on them. Kinda makes it seem like the knife is meant for you. Like… to kill you. This might freak you out if you didn’t know the guy, but he’s probably sharpening the knife to carve a sculpture of the two of you! 3.) He’s always starting a fight: So one day you’ll be sitting in your room with your roommate and he’ll start kicking your chair for three hours. You’ll feel the urge to punch the shit out of him, but don’t give him that chance. He’d love to engage in hot, sweaty wrestling match with his best pal. 2.) He invites you on camping trips every weekend: Dude… camping? He’s trying to kill you. Camping is the perfect place: nothing but trees for miles. Oh… but what if he comes with some wine and cheese? So romantic! Just like that movie Brokeback Mountain we have obviously never seen.
1.) He asks if you’ve ever seen the movie Deliverance: This movie’s about a bunch of hillbillies that terrorize city folk in the woods. Oh god… you’ve gone camping with him, haven’t you? Oh shit! Wait, he’s got the movie on DVD. Wait! The DVD is pirated off the internet! Run, dude! Internet pirates kill people! They have no moral compasses! So it’s harder than you think to tell if your roommate is trying to kill you. Just go with your heart…before your roommate harvests it for nutrients.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What Late-Night Food Did You Miss Most Over Summer? p h o m o re Drake A., So
“I always missed the macaroni and cheese with shapes. My favorite were the SpongeBob ones.”
nior Katie J., Ju
“Los Burritos Tapatios. It’s open really late, it’s the place to go for drunk food.”
nior Emily H., Se
“Domino’s is everyone’s favorite down here. I will forever miss and mourn the loss of Gumby’s and their delicious Pokey Stix.”
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Follow us on twitter @BlackSHeep_ISU
this year nt e r e f f i D e B Is Gonna
g By: Scoop Chan
As we come down from the heady high of summer, every year we say the same shit. “I’m gonna start going to class” or “I’m definitely going to start wearing condoms.” We’re sincere when we say it, but once we get bottom-of-nutsack deep in the school year and parties, we just say “bughh, fuck it.” But this year, The Black Sheep won’t let you F it. We’ll be watching you all year long, like the ghost of your dead grandmother, making you feel guilty about every bad decision you’re going to make.
Drink Less:
How many days last year did you wake up with hangovers, regrets, and questionably stained sheets? The fat “humans” you slept with after a few too many shots of Admiral Nelson, they just seem to keep on getting fatter, don’t they? Oh, but they were nice! Oh, but they were about ten pounds from absorbing you into that amorphous blob they call a body. Look, just drink a little bit less, have sex with someone your own size, and retain some dignity. We’re not asking you to climb mountains here.
Go to Class:
Every Sunday night you talk to that possible hook-up thinking “I can stay up until 3 and just be tired tomorrow.” Then your alarm goes off at 8 a.m. you say to yourself “fuck it, I’ll just take another semester” only to wake up five hours later, rested and filled with regret. That harlot on Facebook will be there tomorrow, so just masturbate to the pics showing miniscule cleve action she just put up and go to bed. Staying up until 3 a.m. every night is not the best way to get laid — just do what I always do and be more attractive.
Be Healthy:
You’re at Watterson and you think to yourself “I gotta get my money’s worth, screw these ISU fat cats making all this money off of their fancy dining hall!” That’s when you put that third cheese dog on your plate and few more slices of pizza. Then you stuff your face, because there are starving kids in Africa. Dude, you’re not eating for them too, put down the fork. Remember all the extra Flex Dollars that just went to waste last year? Just chill, eat an apple for every meal, and never have to go to the doctor again!
Be Prepared for Class:
You wanted to save a few bucks so you didn’t buy any school supplies. You’re that guy pissing everyone off with “Uh… can I borrow a pen and paper?” You think everyone is stupid because they bought the textbook and you downloaded it from the internet. At least rent the book or buy it used. Otherwise you’ll be the asshole reading a PDF of the Spanish version of your textbook, which only opens on your phone. You don’t have to take our advice. In fact, we probably won’t even take our advice. But unless you want to graduate a 300-pound loser with 3 kids and 4 kinds of syphilis, we’d think about making this year different than the rest. They say it takes 30 days to start a habit, so spend the first month eating apples and buying books, and you’ll be on the straight and narrow to Straight and Narrow Town.
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Summer in the Town of Townies By: François Lows
For most of you, we’re sure it feels great to be at ISU: college, beer, boobies, beer and boobeers. The fun times and vomiting are so great, you think they must be endless! Summer at ISU is just as fun, right? If your definition of fun involves townies, alcoholism, and having sex with ramen noodles, you’re in luck! For all of you who aren’t showing signs of becoming a deranged serial killer, summer in Normal sucks more than that girl on your floor freshman year who was in desperate need of a father figure. Summer is the best time to fill your eyes and memory cards with sights of girls tanning on the quad. Unfortunately, in Central Illinois the weather is at its hottest just as you have to pack up your junk and drive back home, where the only views you get are of your aunts at family reunions and old women at public pools. Staying on campus seems like the perfect solution: the weather is hot, the girls are hotter, and you don’t have to see your Aunt Bertha flopping around in a way that makes you question the laws of physics. Unfortunately, all of those attractive girls on the quad go back to the suburbs where they belong, and are replaced by an entire town’s worth of offspring your distant relatives had and shipped off to cornfields hoping they’d disappear forever. Townies from a town whose advertises averageness will make your genitals lose blood flow so quickly that they’ll become nearly microscopic.
when you got to the bar and, won’t let you sign their boobs just because you can play “Stairway to Heaven,” on guitar. The bars can be rough, but if you try having fun via parties, you’ll inevitable be the only one who shows up and will just end up crying to infomercials because you’ll never be able to afford easy-to-make breakfast on-the-go like the beautiful people on TV. Summer drinking gets real sad real fast in Normal during the summer, so you were better off sipping wine with your parents than getting smashed with the townies who are threatening to smash your face in. With all of these ugly people around, you’d think it would be easy to get laid, but having sex with a townie is like poking a lion’s mouth with your penis—it makes for a really good story, but you’ll be left with a bloody stump in place of a penis. The only difference is that your friends would think the lion story is cool and won’t post signs all over campus about how you have corn-based STDs. Masturbation is the only option, but one option that definitely doesn’t work is having sex with ramen cups. It’s a really good way to get wounds that salt themselves, but it still works better than taking one of the blocks of uncooked noodles to pound town. If you’re willing to splurge at a sex shop, be prepared to stand in line behind a man buying porn about people his age having sex with people your age. More power to you, but you’ll never get the way he says, “Have fun,” as he’s leaving out of your head.
“Having sex with a townie is like poking a lion’s mouth with your penis - it makes for a really good story.”
If you think drunk goggles can fix this hard of an ugly stick beating, you have another thing coming. What used to be bars full of fun, morally (and in some cases physically) loose and attractive students are now full of people so tightly wound they shit spaghetti. Or don’t shit at all. Every drink your order is mocked by the crowd of townies, as if there are better drink choices than Natty and Jägerbombs. Once you manage to drink enough that the insults stop making you feel sexually inferior, the women still look the same as they did 40 minutes earlier
Normal is a great place full of great unofficial college newspapers, but only because there’s a ridiculous amount of attractive drunk people everywhere. When you take away the classes that bring them there, Normal stops being a wriggling pile of alcohol and intercourse and its boring, old people roots start showing through. Thank god you’re all back, you little sex fiends. We’ve missed you dearly.
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Major: Agribusiness Favorite Drink: Vodka soda Favorite Shot: O-bomb Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin What was the best, worst thing you did this summer?: Ate Chipotle four days a week. Who or what are you most excited to see back on campus?: Anyone that’s on their victory lap like me! I’m old.
Rachel of Mulligan’s Drinking Game
What are you actually going to do with your parents’ textbook money?: Save it... need to move out of my parents’ house some time...
Five words on the Redbirds’ upcoming season?: Maybe I’ll make a game? What’s your best bit of tailgating advice for freshmen?: Drink water in between drinks! How long can the average student hold out before skipping their first class?: Don’t skip! I failed my first semester due to naps. What was your summer anthem? “We Can’t Stop” by Miley Cyrus Do you want to have a tickle fight?: I’m open to weird shit, I guess... When does winter break start?: When I graduate!
Recipe for disaster
Quad Fest Scavenger Hunt
Back to School Burgers
Whether you're an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to Sunday Fun Days, Malt Liquor Mondays, Toasted Tuesdays, Wasted Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and uh, the weekend, Quad Fest is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable.
Now that you're finally back on campus, it's time to start being an adult again by grocery shopping and making your own food. Since the weather is still nice for a while, here's a quick dinner recipe that is yummy, simple and great for the grill.
What You'll Need: A group of friends, a camera and the alcohol of your choice. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are. How to Play: - Gather your friends in your apartment the morning before Quad Fest. - Before starting, everyone needs to take a shot or chug a beer. Woo-hoo 11 a.m.! - Divide everyone into teams and make sure each team has a camera. - Make a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different organizations, 1 religious flyer trying to convert you, 2 pictures of your team with someone LARPing, 1 t-shirt, 1 copy of The Black Sheep, etc. - Once you've gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For example, team members on the second-place team need to take two shots. - Award bonus points to teams for the funniest photos, the most colorful pens, and for the number of clubs for which you put down your email address. - Teams then take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? You'll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club's first meeting.
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What You'll Need: Hamburger patties and buns, your favorite burger fixings (cheese, lettuce, onions, tomatoes), cans of Keystone, and French fries or hash browns. Cook Time: About 20 minutes. Fatty Factor: You could always use veggie burgers, but that's no fun. Let's Get Baked: - Heat up the grill (most likely the mini George Foreman on your counter, amirite?). - If you're making hash browns, put a skillet on the stove with a little oil and dump 'em in. - Turn the burner up to medium. - Toss your burger patty on the grill and let it cook for a few minutes. - We suggest toasting your burger bun and laying on a slice of cheese while it's still warm. - While your burger cooks, crack open a Keystone (take a sip, you know you want to) and pour a little bit over your burger. - After the suds soak in, flip the burger and pour a little more on the other side. - Keep repeating this until the burger is cooked to your liking. - Slip the patty off the grill and onto the bun. - Dump on your French fries or turn off your stove and add the hash browns. - Add the rest of your toppings, crack open another beer and you're done! The perfect precursor to your first night out back on campus.
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The Inevitable “How was your summer?” Conversation By: Patrick Filbin Everyone’s least favorite part about coming back to school is the unwritten requirement to ask people (whether you actually talk to them or just recognize their face), “How was your summer?” You just have to. And if you don’t, you’re a dick. Because why wouldn’t you want to know how Katie’s two months in Cabo were? Or how beautiful the view was when Lauren biked over the Brooklyn Bridge on the way to her internship at InStyle? You know it’s coming, and it’s going to be terrible. So to help you out with this year’s forced exchange of summer reminiscence, here are four people you will unfortunately run into when you get back to school and how to deal with them. The “Gym Rat”: To be frank, don’t even bother with this guy because he doesn’t have one interesting story in that steroid-induced monster head of his. He’s gonna tell you how he started dead-lifting 365, how working construction was “the best thing that’s ever happened to him,” and how he sides with A-Rod on the whole HGH scandal. If you get cornered by The Gym Rat, make sure to thank him for the eightsecond iPhone videos of him on Facebook pushing around a tire in an abandoned parking lot while his moron of a friend screams “Fuel to the fire, keep it burning!” Then walk away, because he could crush your normal-sized head with just his thumb and pointer finger. Question he’ll ask you: “Do you even lift bro?” (But seriously.) The “Yeah I Didn’t Do Much” Dude: This guy will make you feel infinitely better about yourself, so stick around just to hear how painfully boring his three months off were. He worked the checkout lane once a week at Home Depot, spent mornings and afternoons inside either playing Starcraft II or reading fan fiction on Starcraft II, and huddled around a bonfire in 92-degree heat, splitting a 12-er of Busch Light with his buddy Stephen on the weekends. Before this conversation,
you wouldn’t have even believed you could waste a summer like this guy has. Question he’ll ask you: “You don’t think they have an Xbox at this party, do you?” The “I Was Abroad!” Girl: Holy shit man, this girl is the worst. Get out as fast as you can with this one. The girl who went abroad this summer is only talking to you in order to point out that you didn't go abroad this summer. Her only goal is to make you feel like a worthless peasant who chose to stay in the United States when you totally could have gone on gondola rides in Venice and Vespa tours in Paris or wherever the hell she went. She actually didn’t even learn anything or appreciate the culture while she was there, but she totally had Instagram aimed and ready to go at all times and saw all of Europe through her shitty 5-megapixel camera. But it’s okay, because now she has 40 more followers than she did a few months ago, 10 less than the amount of hashtags she uses on each picture. Question she’ll ask you: “Wait you didn’t go abroad, did you? Okay good.” The “New York Internship” Girl: How is this girl not broke and homeless? From what we know, New York apartments cost about $1,200 a month for a closet-sized room, and Glamour magazine pays their interns in last season’s scarves. But three minutes into the conversation you’ll learn that her parents “helped her out a little,” and she “basically lived on pizza and Barefoot pinot grigio.” Ignoring her modesty and all-around glitzy aura, you’ll quickly realize that she genuinely thinks she is exponentially better than you, and she has her NYC Subway pass to prove it. She’ll bore your ear off about how “New York is so much different than Chicago,” when it’s the same damn thing, except people are just a little snobbier and instead of the alleyways, it’s the streets
that smell like garbage. Nevertheless, you will feel jealous, but that’s natural. Not for the reasons she thinks you should be, like seeing Penn Badgley skateboarding in SoHo, but because her future looks incredibly promising while yours looks more and more like Amanda Bynes’. Question she’ll ask you: “Do you watch Girls? No? How about Sex and the City? Oh, because we ate lunch at the place where they shot that one scene...” Just avoid people as much as possible the first few days, and if you do accidentally run into someone you don’t wish to speak to, have a lot of “Gotta go, bye” excuses ready in your arsenal. However if you do get stuck in an unfortunate situation, just lie your ass off and hope your made-up summer makes them just as jealous and annoyed.
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The Black Sheep’s Guide to Drinking Wine Like A Boss Hey reader, what’s in your stash of booze, like, right now? We bet it’s something like 6 beers that once came in a 30-pack, half a plastic bottle of something that smells like rubbing alcohol’s shotgun shack cousin, and maybe if you’re really lucky, a half-bag of something reminiscent of “wine.” This is the year you said you were going to do things up right, keep it classy, but you don’t know where to begin. Well, how about with a nice (glass) bottle of wine?
TBS: When getting introduced to “good” wine, how would a college student on a budget go from a Tour De Franzia to a nice bottle of wine with dinner? Blake: First, stay away from the mainstream publications and seek out a local, passionate wine guy. The big guys are going to be wooed by the money and others’ agendas. This local guy can find you something that was like the chardonnay you had at your mom’s house that you liked, and he can introduce you to new wines you might like as well. Build a relationship with someone; if it’s a buck more, who cares? You get that value in a different way when he can show you lesser-known wines that are great values. Also, go to wine tastings. There are websites that’ll show you when and where they are. Go with a group of friends and just try different things. It’s inexpensive and it’s an experience. Or, just get a group of people to chip in and have a night where you go, “ev-
The Black Sheep is here to help. We sat down with two wine professionals to ask them how to integrate sweet, sweet wine into both the college lifestyle and budget. Blake Krynicky is a former chef and consultant now working for Fetzer Vineyards, one of the first sustainable vineyards in California. Bryan Cass is the son of the founder of Cass Vineyards and holds a master’s degree in wine business, which makes us insanely jealous. By: Brendan
eryone bring a French white wine under ten bucks.” TBS: How is Franzia different from stuff that comes in a bottle? Bryan: The cheap stuff, they don’t use oak barrels, even for red wine. That’s important for making a complex wine, not just fermented grapes. The quality of the grapes is worse, too. A lot of the cheap stuff is made with Grenache, which you can get 10 to 15 tons an acre, but there’s so many grapes that the actual plant has an issue with making grapes of good quality. TBS: Is there a rule of thumb when it comes to wine price points? Blake: There are great wines available for under $20. Even at $15. From $10 to $15, you’ll also find some really good wine. Once you’re sinking under $6 for a bottle you’ve got to be careful. There’s some decent wines out there under that price, but wine’s the most expensive of beer, wine and spirits to produce, so you know they have to cut corners somewhere. $6 to $10 is a great price range to explore when on a budget. Bryan: Nowadays there’s a lot of good stuff that’s $10 to $15, and it’s stuff that’s available at a supermarket. A bottle of wine is about 6 beers in terms of alcohol content, so if you think of cost that way - it’s a decent rule of thumb. A pretty good bottle of wine is about the price of a good 6-pack. TBS: Are there varieties or styles of wine that are generally better at that lower price point? Blake: Certain wines are more expensive to produce. For example, you’re not going to get the same quality in a sub-$10 pinot noir that you will in a cabernet sauvignon because it’s more difficult to cultivate. Imports, like Argentinean wine or Chilean wine, with basics like chardonnay or cabernet, you can do well. TBS: How does region affect wine? Bryan: Typically people break down wines into “old world” wines and “new world wines.” Old world would be Eu-
rope, and new world wines are from everywhere else. New world wines tend to be a little fruitier than old world wines and maybe are a little more approachable flavor-wise for a new drinker. TBS: How do a grape’s origins affect how the wine tastes? Blake: It has a huge effect on the grape. The same grapes grown in different countries—or even different microclimates—will taste different. Wine grapes can taste like a million different things. It’ll exhibit differences if grown in volcanic soil or a mountain valley. Malbecs are popular now, and it’s very easy to tell the differences between them. TBS: Anything to consider when pairing food with wine? Bryan: White wines with no oak and no sugar go really good with spicy food, like Thai or Mexican. Lighter reds are better with pork and turkey and ham. Darker reds are good with more robust meats like beef or lamb. I mean, going on Google and looking for wine pairings is really helpful. Blake: Wines made in certain styles are better with food as opposed to cocktailing. Wines with balance go better with food, while wines that have enhanced aspects are better standing on their own. Some big cabernets are fun to drink, but then you try it with food and it’ll be overpowering. Some zinfandels are very fruit-forward with high alcohol, they’ll be fun to cocktail with, but they won’t work well with food. TBS: What’s the best way to research wine? Blake: Talk to people who know more than you, but be careful. How are they presenting this information? They shouldn’t tell you what you should like, they should suggest based on the information you provide them. Bryan: Online information is pretty accurate; I trust a lot of the websites out there. TBS: What would you tell someone who claims they just don’t like wine? Blake: It’s an acquired taste, and those tastes change. I will eventually find something you like, there’s so many wines out there, there’s going to be one the person will enjoy. So, next time you think of pairing a forty of Olde English 800 with that Easy Mac and taco shell dinner, don’t. Grab a bottle of wine and be classy with your taco shell self. Be sure to check out the Windy Ciy Wine Festival in Grant Park, Chicago, on September 6th and 7th. For more information, check out windycitywinefestival.com.
Hi there and welcome to The Vice is Right! I’m your host, Brew Carey, here today with another exciting game for you, contestant. In front of you there are eight listed prices, each with two items beside the price. One of these items is good, something your parents would be happy to see you spend their money on. The other is the vice item, purchasing this would make them question why they’re paying for you to go to Brew U. Now here’s the tricky part, you have to guess which item’s price, according to Amazon, is actually listed. If you get them all right you’ll win a spot in our Bro-case Hoedown! Check your answers at the bottom of the page, and good luck on The Vice is Right!
Pens • Condoms • Hard Drive • Ramen • TV • Detergent • Kiddie Pool • Underwear
Answer Key (Correct Item Listed):
madlib
Meeting Your roommate’s parents
Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at
___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.
and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.
But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.
Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time!
1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat
8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time
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20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10
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