The Black Sheep
fre co e...li nd ke om you s. A r r nd oo to mm ot hb ate’s ru sh .
Vol. 5, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/18/13
CAMPUS BUILDINGS OVERRUN BY BEES, SPIDERS, WARNS FLANAGAN BY: Sevin Ketze After a long summer and tiring weekend of moving and unpacking, many students were looking forward to the start of class. For most, the first two days consisted of leisurely syllabus reading and plenty of free time. However, students were surprised to receive an urgent safety email from the president’s office on only the second day of class: “Dear Students, I am writing to alert you that the ISU police are investigating a string of classroom incidents resulting in serious injury to nearly 34 students. Unbeknownst to us, thousands — or perhaps millions — of bees, along with an alarming number of spiders, hornets, and centipedes, have spent the summer building massive, massive communities in the walls and ceilings of nearly every building on campus. We do not know how the populations were able to grow so quickly without anybody noticing. What we do know is that they are ferociously defensive of the buildings they now control. Although we hold the safety of our students above all else, we have not canceled classes for tomorrow. To prevent the smuggling of any more bees onto the campus, police will be checking backpacks, briefcases, bags and large purses for the next several days. We want to make it clear that although 34 students sounds like a lot, those students only make up 0.19% of the campus. Rest assured, there is only a 1 in 525 chance that a massive swarm of bees will suddenly burst through a ceiling tile like it was tissue paper and sting you until you’re unrecognizable. Fortunately, these
bees tend to lock in on a single target and sting it again and again until it’s neutralized, so classmates witnessing an attack can breathe easy as they are not in any danger. Please know that Student Counseling Services is available for any students who have been affected by this unfortunate disruption. Sincerely, Timothy J. Flanagan, President” Students quickly took to Facebook and Twitter to share their thoughts about the infestation, and the controversial decision not to cancel classes: “Cnt believe we have class tomorro. #bullshit #bringbowmanback #bees #beees #beeeeeees #stupid #fckmylife #wtfmiley #mileywtf #illuminati,” tweeted sophomore Katelynn Plant. “First the NSA and now Obama’s searching our backpacks! This country is DYING, wow what happened to CHANGE, OBUMMER ANTICHRIST,” commented freshman Eddy Shearer on Facebook. We reached out to a student who saw an attack first-hand for his account of what happened: “So I’m in Capen for some gen ed politics class, and fifteen minutes into it this girl starts going all crazy, going all like ‘ahhhhhh, bees, beeeees, ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhh,’ really really loud, and she falls on the floor and stuff and she’s still going ‘ahhhhhh, ahhhhh ahhhhhhh, beeees, ahhhhhhh, beeeees,’ like we didn’t hear
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Longboards: Rolling off the Edge Into Hell Those rolling murder boards and the inhuman monsters who ride them.
her the first time. She shoulda’ stayed on her feet though because now she’s got spiders and centipedes crawling all over her too. (laughs) She probably screamed for a good minute before she finally passed out. I would have gotten up to help her, but everybody knows bees leave you alone if you stay still. Except her, apparently.” After many calls, we were finally able to reach the Office of the President for some candid comments from the new university head.
“When you come on as a new president you’ve got a lot on your plate. I showed up the first day and I’m just like ‘Oh jeez, I gotta make sure students have enough food and classes and stuff.’ In a way I’m a student too, and I’ve got a lot of questions I need to ask and have answered before I can do my job well. And regretfully, I didn’t get around to ‘are there bees living in the walls and ceilings of our buildings?’ in time.” He continued on, without pausing or waiting for a prompt. “Now, to answer the questions I just know you’re gonna ask:
Yes, the bees have learned to pick up and carry the spiders, sometimes even two at a time. Yes, one student did end up dying due to a bee sting allergy. But we think it’s important to note that he was stung so many times that even if he wasn’t allergic, he would have died anyway. So, students with allergies have nothing more to fear than any normal student.” The president’s office later emailed us their assurances that they were working on a solution that they are “pretty sure will work, or at least probably won’t make it any worse.”
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Staying Cool at School
You Roommate Knows What YOu Did Last Saturday
Taping ice cubes to your body isn’t working well enough anymore? We’ve got you covered.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
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