The Black Sheep
fre co e...li nd ke om you s. A r r nd oo to mm ot hb ate’s ru sh .
Vol. 5, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/18/13
CAMPUS BUILDINGS OVERRUN BY BEES, SPIDERS, WARNS FLANAGAN BY: Sevin Ketze After a long summer and tiring weekend of moving and unpacking, many students were looking forward to the start of class. For most, the first two days consisted of leisurely syllabus reading and plenty of free time. However, students were surprised to receive an urgent safety email from the president’s office on only the second day of class: “Dear Students, I am writing to alert you that the ISU police are investigating a string of classroom incidents resulting in serious injury to nearly 34 students. Unbeknownst to us, thousands — or perhaps millions — of bees, along with an alarming number of spiders, hornets, and centipedes, have spent the summer building massive, massive communities in the walls and ceilings of nearly every building on campus. We do not know how the populations were able to grow so quickly without anybody noticing. What we do know is that they are ferociously defensive of the buildings they now control. Although we hold the safety of our students above all else, we have not canceled classes for tomorrow. To prevent the smuggling of any more bees onto the campus, police will be checking backpacks, briefcases, bags and large purses for the next several days. We want to make it clear that although 34 students sounds like a lot, those students only make up 0.19% of the campus. Rest assured, there is only a 1 in 525 chance that a massive swarm of bees will suddenly burst through a ceiling tile like it was tissue paper and sting you until you’re unrecognizable. Fortunately, these
bees tend to lock in on a single target and sting it again and again until it’s neutralized, so classmates witnessing an attack can breathe easy as they are not in any danger. Please know that Student Counseling Services is available for any students who have been affected by this unfortunate disruption. Sincerely, Timothy J. Flanagan, President” Students quickly took to Facebook and Twitter to share their thoughts about the infestation, and the controversial decision not to cancel classes: “Cnt believe we have class tomorro. #bullshit #bringbowmanback #bees #beees #beeeeeees #stupid #fckmylife #wtfmiley #mileywtf #illuminati,” tweeted sophomore Katelynn Plant. “First the NSA and now Obama’s searching our backpacks! This country is DYING, wow what happened to CHANGE, OBUMMER ANTICHRIST,” commented freshman Eddy Shearer on Facebook. We reached out to a student who saw an attack first-hand for his account of what happened: “So I’m in Capen for some gen ed politics class, and fifteen minutes into it this girl starts going all crazy, going all like ‘ahhhhhh, bees, beeeees, ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhh,’ really really loud, and she falls on the floor and stuff and she’s still going ‘ahhhhhh, ahhhhh ahhhhhhh, beeees, ahhhhhhh, beeeees,’ like we didn’t hear
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Longboards: Rolling off the Edge Into Hell Those rolling murder boards and the inhuman monsters who ride them.
her the first time. She shoulda’ stayed on her feet though because now she’s got spiders and centipedes crawling all over her too. (laughs) She probably screamed for a good minute before she finally passed out. I would have gotten up to help her, but everybody knows bees leave you alone if you stay still. Except her, apparently.” After many calls, we were finally able to reach the Office of the President for some candid comments from the new university head.
“When you come on as a new president you’ve got a lot on your plate. I showed up the first day and I’m just like ‘Oh jeez, I gotta make sure students have enough food and classes and stuff.’ In a way I’m a student too, and I’ve got a lot of questions I need to ask and have answered before I can do my job well. And regretfully, I didn’t get around to ‘are there bees living in the walls and ceilings of our buildings?’ in time.” He continued on, without pausing or waiting for a prompt. “Now, to answer the questions I just know you’re gonna ask:
Yes, the bees have learned to pick up and carry the spiders, sometimes even two at a time. Yes, one student did end up dying due to a bee sting allergy. But we think it’s important to note that he was stung so many times that even if he wasn’t allergic, he would have died anyway. So, students with allergies have nothing more to fear than any normal student.” The president’s office later emailed us their assurances that they were working on a solution that they are “pretty sure will work, or at least probably won’t make it any worse.”
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Staying Cool at School
You Roommate Knows What YOu Did Last Saturday
Taping ice cubes to your body isn’t working well enough anymore? We’ve got you covered.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
It may involve a lot of murder.
>> Table of Contents << page 4: Top 10: Ways Superheros get ready for the school year >> We tried to fit in titanium condoms, but they don’t come in Super Size. page 5: On the Streets >> If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in?
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page 6: ISU’s President Linked to Bomb Threat? >> Is he maybe possibly planning more? Read to find out.
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page 7: Local Freshman Suddenly Realizes He Has No Personality >> Will socially awkward freshman “The Cheese” ever find acceptance? page 10: Bartender of the week >> Erin of Uptown 138 dreams of being a glitter farting unicorn.
pages 12-13: The Least Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably won’t look at again.
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The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
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Longboards: Rolling off the Edge into Hell?
The
Top
Ten
Ways Superheroes get ready for the school year By: black sheep staff
10.) New Civies: Sometimes it’s tempting to win your classmates’ respect by showing up to class in your brightly-colored spandex and your incognito mask. Too tempting. With brand new duds and a new pair of mild-mannered citizen glasses, you won’t need to resort to cheap gimmicks to impress that brainy hottie with the ass that won’t quit! 9.) Utility Belt: Being fashionably prepared isn’t just for Batmen anymore. Load up on everything from smoke bombs for a quick getaway, to spare pencils in case your neighbor forgot hers. With great belt comes great responsibility. 8.) Stock Up on Orphans: Orphans are the cheapest, most valuable source of labor this side of Oompa Loompas, and if they were orphaned by your nemesis, all the better — that angst will serve them well, both when fighting evil and when writing your philosophy essays for you. The orphan sidekick life expectancy is pretty short, so stock up while they’re in season. 7.) Assign an Understudy: You can try to schedule your crime fighting around your school schedule, but the fact of the matter is it’s impossible to predict when your archenemy will attack your requisite love interest’s apartment building, especially since you have to turn off your phone for tests. Because you’re an irresponsible guardian, your orphan sidekick doesn’t go to school, so you can have him take on the cape while you’re learning about post-Soviet political systems. 6.) Schedule Public Appearances: Most superheroes are wary of making public appearances, both because they’re suspicious of unmasking attempts and because they fight for justice — not for money. But do you have any idea how much money you can make just by showing up at a bar for free drinks? It might even be enough to buy latest edition textbooks. The luxury!
By: Chong Lighter Meyers Students at Illinois State are no strangers to danger. Many have witnessed acts such as the burning down of Delta Sigma Phi, the Great South Side Water Main Break of 2011, and the newest addition to the list, the recent bomb threat in Schroeder Hall. But nothing so far has come close to the new danger students face according to campus security, skaters, and haters alike. Longboarding, a new trend associated with hipsters, college yuppies, and frat boys alike has been growing since the start of the new semester, and already students are complaining about nearly getting run over by someone going fiveto-seven miles per hour on the Quad. The act of longboarding, which has openly been deemed “pansy bullshit” by regular skateboarders, involves a much longer board, bigger wheels, and rolls at twice the speed of a regular skateboard. While campus security has been trying to crack down on these radical rapscallions, no official comments have been made other than “We’re trying as hard as we can, but we just can’t keep up with them. We’d need to invest in riot control technology if we were serious about keeping these evil-doers down. We figure that a rubber puck to the gut would send a proper message and keep our Quad speed-free.” Those involved in longboarding claim that there is no evil behind this, and that they simply do it for fun and recreation. When asked for a reaction on the longboarders’ above comments, local guitarist and skater Cullen Coursey told us he doesn’t buy it. “Skating is an art form, and longboarding is like gluing sparkles to a pine cone and calling it a Salvador Dali. You know what is else done for
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fun and recreation? Drugs.” To help weigh in on the situation, The Black Sheep contacted Longboard Specialist Tim Stanley (sophomore) of Columbia University. Stanly told us that “Yes, it is true that longboards can be dangerous, but we have to look at this in perspective; more people died of wild coconut attacks and cheese allergies last year than falling off of or being hit by a longboard.” We also wanted to see if Stanly had an insight as to why skateboarders seem to be the leading opponents of longboarding. He told us that “Sometimes, you do something cool. Then, inevitably, someone comes along and changes the game… I’m kinda high so I don’t remember where I was going with that, but I think skaters just hate longboarders because they’re preppy douchebags or something… My mouth is dry...” He also passed to us a few tricks on how to avoid longboard accidents as well. “If you’re on a school quad, just look up every now and again instead of trying to jam your face inside your phone all the time. Longboards also make more noise than a bike at half the speed, which makes me wonder how anyone could get hit by one in the first place. Just look up from time to time and you’ll be fine. God I need some 3D Doritos. Can I borrow two dollars? You serious? Alright, this interview is over.” Teachers are urged to tell their students to report longboarders to someone who cares, which as of right now is campus security, skateboarders, and no one else.
5.) Have an Affair: It would be unethical for mild mannered Jane Doe to sleep with her computer sciences professor for a higher grade! An outrage, really! But, if the Western Avenger, say, were to give him a hand, so to speak, in exchange for the opportunity to talk to him about her good friend Jane… well, there’s no actual rule against that, is there? 4.) Join a Coalition: It may well be part of your super identity’s appeal that you’re a loner, stalking the streets after the bars close, like a dark angel, a lone wolf with a heart full of pain. Chicks eat that shit up. So the idea of joining forces with those brightly-colored, cheerful, punning superheroes might be repulsive, but it’ll lighten your hero load, keep you organized and help your public image. And we hear the Golden Brain is super generous with calculus help. 3.) Volunteer: Heroing isn’t just fighting crime anymore. It’s donating your super blood to the Red Cross, walking orphan puppies, cooking for the homeless, driving drunk people home so they don’t have to, raising money for schools and cleaning up around campus. It sounds lame, and it is, but with so many villains going back to class too, volunteering might be the most hero action you see anymore. 2.) Practice your Alter Ego Story: Some professors like to play a little game called “Force Students to Group Up with Total Strangers for Grades.” This is exhausting if you’ve spent the last six hours punching criminals in the throat, so when your partner cheerily asks you about yourself, DO NOT just reveal your secret identity to shut her up. Deliver a well-practiced speech: “Hello. I am a normal student like you and I do normal student things, such as: study; nourish self; and admire the Crimson Wasp’s sculpted ass.”
1.) Set Up a “Hero-Card” Jar: This school year is going to be stressful, what with fighting your nemesis, the mountain of homework and trying to make enough money to feed your orphans. Oh, did you already forget you have orphans? That’s why you need to set up a way for them to feed themselves. Every time you let slip your secret identity, either accidentally or for personal gain, put a dollar in the jar. Every week, your orphans can take the money and buy themselves a burger to share. You’re such a good person.
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you had to compete in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you choose to compete in? nior Jess H., Ju
Something’s getting tapped, am I right?! “The cup song from Pitch Perfect.”
ior Mike G., Sen
“Tennis.”
Junior Rachael H.,
“A milk drinking contest.” 05
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Staying cool
at school By: Carlos D. Danger
Whether you’re hanging out on the Quad, running late to class, or steaming in that brand new hot tub you elected to purchase over air conditioning this month, the heat can be brutal this time of year. Sure, there are always those few who remain irritatingly perky, but for the rest of us the beginning of the school year means yet another few weeks of classrooms looking and smelling like a pack of zombies that just ran a 5k. While there will always be those students content to stay indoors in their air conditioned hot tub-lacking dorm rooms, some students have elected to beat the heat in more creative ways. However, as the famous General Tso once said, “In order to beat your enemy, you must first understand your enemy.” To that end, we went to go find someone who could tell us a little more about this “the sun” character.
go to their meeting the next day. “Jesus,” she explained, “is the father of all things. Surely if you come and pray with us, he will hear his children suffering and put an end to this terrible heat wave!” Intrigued by the notion of a spiritual answer to out problem, but not at all interested in attending, we politely thanked her for the insight, and told her that we’d go to the meeting. She lit up, and left us with an informational flyer before heading off. We felt bad for misleading her, but figured that the happiness she got out of us saying “yes” canceled out any bad karma we incurred by lying. Satisfied at having done our good deed for the day, we set of to find a deity that might be more receptive to self-indulgent requests; right after we satisfied our odd craving for Chinese food…
“Sure, there are always those few who remain irritatingly perky, but for the rest of us the beginning of the school year means a few weeks of classrooms looking and smelling like a pack of zombies that just ran a 5k.”
We managed to catch up with senior meteorology major John Frost, who informed us that, no, meteorology is not the study of meteors, and that yes, he was quite sure of that. With our misconceptions temporarily laid to rest, as asked him if he could help us figure out the weakness of this “sun,” so this ridiculous weather could finally be put to rest. We will spare you the details of this conversation, but suffice to say, it involved some complex concepts and words that he might have just been making up. Frankly, after the third time he mentioned “high density vacuums” we zoned out, since we couldn’t figure out what vacuum cleaners had to do with the weather. Fortunately after John left in a huff (some people just can’t handle academic conversations) a girl passing by had overheard our conversation and offered some insight. Apparently she was a member of a Christian RSO on campus, and suggested that we
As we left Watterson, our stomach full for at least the next half hour, we stumbled upon an odd sight out on the quad – students were dancing in a circle to the beat of tribal drums, chanting, and throwing their hands into the air. Perturbed, we sidled over to one of the students standing off to the side. Much to our delight, he informed us that they were doing a “rain dance.” When we asked which deity they were dancing for, he said, “Whichever one pays attention, I guess.” Having satisfied our concerns, we asked if we could join it – he smiled, and pulled out a small wooden pipe with some sort of black… stuff in it. He told us to take a drag off it to help clear our minds, so that we could be more “in tune with the spiritual world,” and never being one to refuse free spiritual advice, we inhaled. We came to alone on the Quad at night, shirtless, and covered in strange symbols and what appeared to be bite marks… but least it wasn’t hot out.
ISU’s President Linked to Bomb Threat? Maybe. By: Scoop Chang We’ve all heard about the Schroeder Hall bomb threat and know now that it was foiled by the FBI and Reggie the Bomb-Defusing Redbird. What we don’t know is who could possibly want to get rid of the classroom building? Some confused freshman tired of being laughed at for pronouncing the name wrong? An angry professor sick of teaching the same introductory accounting class to unappreciative undergrads? The Black Sheep has the real “Scoop” on the terrifying threat. A threat that’s closer to home than you might think. The Black Sheep doesn’t believe in coincidences, we believe in dragons, fairies, and hobbits. Not coincidences. And isn’t it a coincidence that just as the new president Timothy Flanagan takes his seat on the ISU Throne of Power that the campus faces a deadly bomb threat. Now, we don’t know anything for sure, we’re just asking questions. Questions like “Was President Timothy O’Flanagan part of the Irish Republican Army (The IRA)?”“Does he hate America?” “Did he plant the bomb himself?” and “Might this have been a false flag incident to induce student’s to love him more than Bowman the Great?” He could not be reached for comment until the end of this article, but we assume that he is guilty of this and more. We’re not assuming anything here, this is real journalism. We don’t know where President Timothy Jameson O’Flanagan had his start,
so we asked Theoretical Biographer James Cameron to tell us the story behind this magical, Irish man. President O’Timothy Jameson MacFlannigan was born in the heart of Irish Ireland with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a bottle Guinness in the other. He grew up in a happy little cottage near a tiny village with loving parents. One day while little Timothy was at the local kindergarten/pub/doctor’s office he heard that his parents were killed in a mysterious explosion created by noted Illinois State University professor Carl Schroeder. Timothy McPatrick Jameson O’Flannigan swore his revenge that day and soon became head of the Irish Republican Army and the Irish Batman of his village. From there he moved to Illinois and worked his way up the ranks of Al Bowman’s secret Illuminati chain of command. Starting as a lowly lion tamer and ending up as next in line to the Throne of Power. He would finally get his revenge on Professor Carl Schroeder by blowing up his most beloved of classroom buildings, if only he had remembered to burn and swallow the note he left in the bathroom. Was it guilt that had him write out the plan in full on the back of a Jimmy John’s napkin? Was it hubris? Maybe after all those years of being the Irish Batman, he had finally just given up. Perhaps we’ll never know. It truly was the perfect plan, but Flanagan didn’t expect that the FBI would bring in their most talented of bomb defusing mascots Reggie the Redbird… and well, we all know the
story from there. We finally reached President Shamus “Timothy” MacFlanoconner and he had this to say to our allegations: “[Top o’ the mornin’ to ya lad!] Everything you’re saying is absurd, [toi-ta-toi-tah-toi-tah-toi] the reason we didn’t cancel classes [tee-ta-tiddly wee] we even [oh faith and begorrah! They’re always after me lucky charms!]” The interviewer was only able to translate a small portion of the garbled Irish slang in which the President spoke, but the rest might as well have been Egyptian. The FBI has decided against holding President Timothy “the terrorist” Flanagan in prison for the rest of his life, at our recommendation. A mistake that Theoretical Future Biographer James Cameron says they will regret.
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He Has No Personality NORMAL, Illinois – The first couple of weeks have come and gone at Illinois State University. Friends have been made, parties have been pooped, and for one confused freshman, Alex “The Cheese” Bernstein, things are not going too well. “We will see you soon, sweetie! Study hard!” could be heard down the hallways as his parents dropped him off with his new comforter and giant box of Goldfish Crackers. The Cheese surveyed his room and laid his things out. Taking a deep breath, he thought aloud, “Yep, it’s gonna be a great year.” Unfortunately for The Cheese, his high school status did not apply here. His letterman jacket and slicked-back hair did not impress even the most impressionable of students. He soon found this out while introducing himself to his roommate. “Sup dude,” The Cheese said as his roommate came back from the Watterson Dining Commons. His roommate dropped his bag on the floor and completely ignored him. The Cheese figured he would have better luck if he went out on the Quad and somberly walked around making awkward eye contact with everyone who would stare at him. He put on his favorite Hoobastank song and started his stroll. Wow, everyone here is so… uninfluenced by fashion trends. I mean, that guy over there is wearing sandals with socks, and no one is making fun of him. What an idiot! “Hey, shoobie! Ever heard of GQ? I’ll mail you a copy,” scoffed The Cheese. The students on the Quad stared at The Cheese rather than the poorly dressed stranger. The Cheese felt grated. Later that night, he found out about a party at this cool, hip joint on campus called The Island. The Cheese bragged to his roommate, “Yeah dude,
By: Isaac Dreidelschleitze
no one knows about it, so I’m gonna go check it out, we’ll see what it’s like.” The Cheese misted Axe body spray and Michael Jordan Cologne under his finest button up shirt and ripped jeans. “Five bucks, dude,” said the doorman. The Cheese opened up his Velcro Transformers wallet and pulled out a wrinkled $5 bill. Stepping into The Island, The Cheese looked around for any guys he could make friends with, or any girls who wanted to taste the cheese. Unfortunately, The Cheese did not realize that the musk he emitted from putting on too much body spray was making him socially undesirable. He stepped up to the keg to fill up a cup when girl came up to him and started talking to him. “Hey, so are you a freshman?” the girl asked. She smiled at him, genuinely interested. The Cheese looked at his shoes as his voice cracked. “Uh, well yeah. I um… I just got here. Hahaha.” The girl twerked out of the room to get away from the obnoxious laughing, and The Cheese felt defeated. “Oh well, at least I have my beer,” the Cheese thought. The Cheese took a sip, his face grimaced and he immediately threw down the cup. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF?” The DJ playing at the party stopped the record and several bros stared at him muttering the word “freshman.” He had never had beer before, and was surprised at the odd taste. His eyes began to water and he swiftly ran out of the apartment with his cell phone in his hand. “OMG. JUST HAD BEER. THIS SHIT SUX. #gonnabarf #7upisbetter #goredbirds” The Cheese had a cult following on Twitter who would love to hear from him — they didn’t care if he was a freshman or not.
On the way back to his dorm The Cheese ran into a mixed group of guys, they all seemed pretty bro-y in their frat shirts and Sperry shoes. They approached him. “Hey, what are you doing alone on the weekend? Need some company?” “Sure, I guess,” The Cheese said unenthusiastically. He followed them to a dimly lit room. “Have you ever seen the show My Little Pony?” they asked. “No…what is it?” “Just watch.” They turned on the show and The Cheese really enjoyed himself. So the moral of the story is, don’t worry! You will make friends. Even if they’re a bunch of bronies.
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$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts
THURSDAY
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
$5.99 Lasagna & Garlic Bread Free Appetizers (5pm - 7pm), $2.50 Coronas/Dos Equis, $5 Long Islands, $2.50 138 Shot, $3 Import bottles, 16oz Pacifico Draft and Whiskey Mixers, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages
FRIDAY
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 138 Shots, $2.50 Coronas, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets
$2.50 Well Drinks
SATURDAY
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
$3 Bloody Marys, Import Bottles, Mimosas, Calls and 16oz Pacifico Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SUNDAY
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$4.99 Sloppy Joe Baskets, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Car bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)
MONDAY
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$1 Tacos (Hard or Soft Shell), $2.50 Coronas, $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Import Bottles & Calls, $4 Car Bombs and Domestic Pitchers, $3 16oz Pacifico Drafts, $10 Domestic Buckets
$3 Captain Morgan
TUESDAY
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
$4.99 BBQ Pulled Pork Baskets, $2 Vegas Bombs, Domestic Bottles and Wells, $3 Import Bottles, $4 Domestic Pitchers, Car Bombs and Jager Bombs, $5 Long Islands, $7 Cruzan Buckets
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
WED.
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$6 32oz Long Islands
$7 Premium Pitchers
Bartender of the Week Relationship status: Single Major: Art Favorite drink: Orange whip Favorite shot: Lunchbox Disgusting drink: Guinness Where would you rather be right now?: On a beach. What drink is the biggest pain in the ass to make?: A fruity martini. Who is your favorite Mark?: Mark Whalberg, because he is a sexy motherfucker. When and where was the last time you involuntarily saw someone naked?: Vegas in May.
Erin of Uptown 138 Drinking Game Liar'sHunt Dice Quad Fest Scavenger Whether you're an incoming freshman with an early case of alcoholism or an upperclassman prone to We all lie, whether it’s to our parents as to why we’re so tired, or to our friends as to why making out with Sunday Fun Days, Maltreasonable Liquor Mondays, Tuesdays, ThirstyofThursdays, that uggo was a totally thing toToasted do. Translate thatWasted love forWednesdays, deceit into a game gambling: and uh, the weekend, Quad Fest is always more fun with some booze in you. We found a way to make Liar’s Dice. the day on campus where every student organization tries to make you feel like you belong even more enjoyable. What You’ll Need: Six dice per player, one opaque cup per player, some beer. Number of Players: 2+ What You'll Need: A group a camera of(in your choice. Level of Intoxication: You’ll of befriends, asking what’s the and hapsthe on alcohol the craps your pants). Number of Players: As many as you want! Level ofPlay: Intoxication: It all depends on how quick you are. How to • The object of the game is to be the last player with any dice left. • Eachto player How Play:rolls a die. The highest score will be the first person to act for the first hand. Each hand to actyour rotates left in of your this person. -first Gather friends apartment the morning before Quad Fest. Now, each playereveryone uses theneeds cup totoshake his or dice. EachWoo-hoo player places the cup top-down -• Before starting, take up a shot or her chug a beer. 11 a.m.! the table. Each into player secretly his each dice. team Twos has through sixes are worth face value. Ones -on Divide everyone teams and looks makeat sure a camera. wild.a list of 10-15 things for your teams to gather. Examples include 5 pens from different -are Make • The first player1 to act must make a bet the number and quantity of the setwith of dice on theLARPtable. organizations, religious flyer trying toon convert you, 2 pictures of your team someone For example, areetc. four sixes at the table.” ing, 1 t-shirt, a1 bettor copy ofcan Theclaim Black“there Sheep, • The player to the left of the first bettor may do one of three things: - Once you've gathered all your items, race back to the apartment. • Increase the number of total dice on the table (raising four sixes to seven sixes, for example). - After all the teams return, each team needs to take a shot for the place they finished in. For • Increase the dice value (Raise three twos to three threes). example, team members the second-place team need to take two shots. • Challenge (Stop play,on dice are revealed to see if the most recent bettor wins or loses). -• IfAward bonusoccurs pointsand to teams funniest photos, the most colorful a challenge there for are the equal or greater numbers of dice on thepens, tableand thanfor thethe lastnumbetber of clubs forwilds), whichheyou email address. tor (including or put she down wins. Ifyour there is less than the total number of gambled dice on the -table, Teams take turns passing out their bonus points in the form of shots to the other teams. thethen challenger wins. • The loser of the challenge removes a die and drinks for three seconds. The Game Ends When: Does drinking really ever have to end? The Game Ends When: Only one player has any dice left. You'll really regret this when the 200 emails flood your inbox, asking you to come out to the club's first Great, you won. Now head to confession, sinner. meeting.
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If you could be a mythical creature, what would it be?: Unicorn, because unicorns are awesome and fart glitter. Describe how you feel about yourself in five words: Energetic, happy, outgoing, crazy, and fun. Do you think you could take a bobcat in a fight?: Yes, because I’m a frickin unicorn. What TV show are you most excited to have back?: Sons of Anarchy Describe this bar in hashtags: #sportsbar #goodtimes #greatfriends #greatmusic Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s informative and can tell you what is going on in your town. Especially drink specials.
Recipe for disaster Big Boy Chili It’s football season, bitches. If you’re not out standing in the stadium, cheering on your team like a MAN, then you better be inside in front of the TV with a six pack and a tub of chili. Oh, no chili? We got you covered. What You’ll Need: Oil, a crockpot, a frying pan, ground beef, a can of diced tomatoes, 4 cans of kidney beans, a can of tomato paste, chopped onions, a can of beef broth, chili powder, sliced hot dogs, brown sugar and garlic Cook Time: About 3 hours, be patient Fatty Factor: MEN DON’T COUNT CALORIES Let’s Get Baked: • In the frying pan, break up and cook the ground beef in a little oil until it is browned. • Turn on your crockpot to medium heat and add in the beef and hot dog slices with the tomatoes, tomato paste, half of your beans and beef broth. • Cover the pot and let the chili simmer for about an hour. • Add in the remainder of ingredients (the other half of the beans, onion, chili powder, brown sugar and garlic) and continue to let the chili cook on the low setting, covered for another hour and half. • Taste test! Make sure it’s hot and flavored nicely. If not, make the adjustments. YOU BETTER HAVE YOUR WOMAN MAKE THIS FOR YOU.
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Your Roommate knows What You Did Last Saturday: Keep Him Quiet
By: Mitch Vaginapun By this point in the year, you’ve drunkenly stumbled back to your room more times than you’ve walked into it sober. If you think you haven’t, you were just too trashed to remember that you came home at all. When you’re that far gone, you’re bound to do some embarrassing things. Things so horrifyingly taboo that we won’t even mention them, and we run full papers about your grandma’s saggy boobies. Unfortunately for you, other people are also around to see the terrifying, potentially illegal things you do when you stumble home with 70 grilled cheeses and a homeless chick dressed as Wonder Woman riding a horse. Roommates thrive on the destruction of those they live with, so you’re going to need to take some immediate, severe action to keep your roommates from spilling the beans. Here are some strategies that have worked for a group of ragtag writers at The Black Sheep. Be your roommate’s slave for however long it takes. It’ll be kind of like that episode of The Brady Bunch where the one girl made the other girl be her slave for however long it took. Actually, it will be almost exactly like that, but there’d probably be a lot more nudity and fecal matter involved — sort of like the German The Brady Bunch version of that episode, but with less racial purity jargon (“slave” translates poorly). The Black Sheep actually got its name from such a roommate serfdom deal, in reference to something terrible that we’re hoping is never mentioned again. (Barack, we’re holding up our end, you better hold up yours.) Being someone’s slave isn’t foolproof, obviously. There’s no guarantee that they’ll hold up their end of the bargain. If you can’t trust your roommate as far as you can throw that baby sheep our founders did terrible things to at a party thrown by our current president, then you’d better move onto something more drastic.
One of the best ways to make someone keep a secret is by keeping one of theirs. If there isn’t a disgusting story to hold over them, then you’re going to have to make one happen. After spiking everything in sight with a few shots of Everclear, invite/bribe all of his friends to help you set up an incredibly elaborate scenario, involving farm animals, roller skates, rubber fists, and a gallon drum of lube. That one got us so good that we still haven’t shared Bill Clinton’s darkest secret. All we can say without allowing him to reveal our shameful past is that it makes the Monica Lewinski thing seem like a friendly game of rock-paper-scissors. There are, however, the shameless few—those who have too much money, genital superiority, or drugs in their system to care whether or not people know what embarrassing things they’ve done. For the people that will take you down no matter what, drastic measures are required. You’re going to have to “get rid of” his entire family. Everyone. Uncles, estranged cousins, pets — everyone and anyone that you can find. No one can stay in school after finding out that a bisected Fluffy was found both at the top and bottom of a pile of everyone they’ve ever known or loved. If they’re not in school, they won’t be able to share your secret. Hell, they might even be in such a state of shock and grief that they may never talk again! Wouldn’t that be great? The only downside here is that they might turn into a masked vigilante, but the odds of that are one in Batman. Now that you know how to stop your roommate from spreading your secret, get on it! We’ve already received at least 50 wonderful stories about all the terrible things some of you have done with/to the Hand of Friendship statue on the Quad, and we can’t wait to expand our readership to your parents.
05
The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.
Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw. Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, jealous about the pub, then he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.
From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (September 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that. We need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie. There are already plenty, and they're all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.
Prediction: Certified OG Kush
Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity. Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell
Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th
This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th
Untitled Fourth Studio Album
Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy.
Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy; it was basically the perfect piece of pop music. Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry.
There is no more boring, yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out.
Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than a Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McConaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding. Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.
Prediction: Certified Double Platinum
Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release. They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.
Prediction: Silver Record
Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th
Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong. Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts. It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universally-panned, yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock, while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
spot the difference
Can you find the 10 differences in this tailgating scene? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!
Ball Varieties ACROSS 2) A ballistic this send warheads to a predetermined target. 4) The technical term for your man’s balls. 5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc. 9) Foooore! 10) These high class ladies would attend a ball. 14) Ball State University is located in this state. 15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot. 19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport. 20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety. DOWN 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks off, two words. 3) Football for the rest of the world.
6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what? 7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball. 8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came off of which album? 11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball. 13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this. 16) Girls in Spandex play this.
Meet The Staff campus manager Tim Mackey
Promotions manager Amanda Weichselbaum
Editorial manager Tim Mackey
pr/Marketing TEAM Adam Bleck, Tommy Pasini
Advertising Managers Alexander Leventis, Krys Gago
campus director Quinn Myers
Writers Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze Mike Atkins , Jeremy Ber Jeremy Meyers, Dylan Rieger
owner Atish Doshi
photographer Tommy Pasini distribution manager Dan Quintero Social media manager Tamar Lange
crossword
Founders Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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