Illinois State - Issue 3 - 9/19/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 5, Issue 3

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/19/13 - 10/2/13

It’s Time To Grow Up BY: Sevin Ketze The honeymoon is over. Classes at ISU kicked off over a month ago, and as the introductory material gives way to the real meat of the courses, many underclassmen and transfer students have found themselves struggling to make the transition between carefree childhood and soul-crushing adult life. We asked some students to share their thoughts and experiences with the transition to adulthood: “I thought college was going to be all parties and good times, like in the movies. But there’s, like, a LOT of class. I wish somebody had warned me about that,” said freshman Elaine Preston. “I do like that I can skip all my classes without it affecting my grade or getting me in trouble, though. I need that extra time to get my homework done, because it’s so hard and takes forever and it’s always about things I know nothing about. I feel like I’ve barely learned anything, where is my tuition money even going? I’m really starting to regret not applying to any Ivy League schools, it’s looking like this degree is gonna be worthless.” “It’s definitely a shock how fast you have to become a grownup,” warned sophomore Kylie Blanche. “All the high school BS seems really petty now. We used to be all worried about stuff like parents, grades, sports, who made out with who…ugh, we were so young. None of that matters anymore, now it’s all ‘who had sex with who,’ and…there’s definitely some other stuff but I can’t think of it, I’m still in shock over Dave getting with Trish. That bitch has a gross name.” “Coming to ISU was definitely the right choice for me,” reflected senior Kurt Maglurt. “After high school, some of my less-mature buddies just went out and got a job, like, right away. I know, not everybody has what it takes to go to college, but their dads definitely should have studied harder in school so they could afford to send their kids to college. It’s true what they say, “blindsight is 20/20.” I visited my non-college-educated friend Mike over the summer, after high school all he did was obtain an electrician’s apprenticeship. Now he has to work every single weekday to support his wife and toddler and make mortgage and car payments. It’s really sad to see one of my friends just spinning his wheels on a dead-end job, you know? I wish he had some direction.” “It’s hard being a child one minute, then turn 18 and just get thrown into the grown-up world,” commented freshman Derek Scott. “The whole age hierarchy we had in school was just thrown out the window. When people look at me now, they see an adult just like any other, and I have to get used to the things they expect from their equals. After I graduate and ISU matches me up with a job, my boss could be all like ‘hey Derek, can you crunch the taxes on this business sheet?’ and I’ll have to figure out how to do that, and I don’t have the option of just not doing it and getting some extra credit later so I still come out with a C. But on the plus side, now I can watch porn and not worry about getting arrested.” Do you have any advice about adapting to adulthood to share with your fellow students? Please send your ideas to the recycle bin, it’s too late, this article has already gone to print. Thank you!

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Our Guide to raising a family

Tumblr: The Net’s Latest Circlejerk

Breaking Bad: As Addicting as Meth

You’re gonna need whiskey, diapers, and something for the baby, too.

It’s used for more than just pornography. Just kidding.

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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup.

The Black Sheep’s Guide to Raising a Family

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Top

Ten

Ways to Not Fail Your Pass/Fail Classes By: Mitch Vaginapun

There are certain courses you know you won’t care about before they even start. Taking a course pass/fail isn’t about getting a good grade, it’s about doing as little schoolwork as possible, even if that in itself requires a lot of effort on your—or someone else’s—end. Here are ten hand-picked technically-passable strategies The Black Sheep learned from experience. 10.) Buy at least one book to bring to class: You can even bring your hand-bound collection of Harry Potter erotica, you just need to be looking at something. We know you’ll have to risk looking literate, but it’s a risk you’ll have to take. 9.) Bring headphones when you’re going to watch Netflix on your laptop: The first step to success is being prepared, even if the level of success you’re striving for is, “literally the least amount of success possible to still be considered success.” 8.) Draw eyes on your eyelids: If it worked in a sitcom, it’ll work in real life. If it weren’t for The Fonz we never would have learned we just have to hit our writers to get them to work.

By: Scoop Chang When going to a nice, cheap state school you see the occasional pregnant girl on campus, but as we’re sure you’ve noticed, this year is different. We have seen the most rampant influx of college mamas since ISU’s famous two-forone degree extravaganza of 2005 (wherein if you graduate, so does your baby). The program was shut down due to being totally stupid, but that’s not relevant. Who could be better at parenting than the writers of The Black Sheep? We sat down and thought of all the best child-rearing tips we know for all you teen moms and pops. Don’t shake your baby: We know what you’re thinking, “then how do I get him to stop crying?” My dad said that when I was a baby and I would act up, he would just give me some whiskey and I’d shut right up. But don’t waste your whiskey on your dumb baby, drink it yourself! You’ll kill two birds with one stone. You’ll be all drunk and relaxed and your baby will too. Everything you eat and drink comes out in your glorious tittymilk, so just take a few shots and latch that baby on your nips. Lie to your child: What was the best part of your childhood? Wasn’t it Santa Claus, Kwanzaa Katerpillar, and the Tooth Fairy? While your offspring are young and dumb you can create a reality for them. Every holiday can get its own fictional mascot. Like Earth Day Dan and Garbage Carl! If your kids help the Earth and recycle then they get candy. If they don’t, then Garbage Carl takes a dump on their bed. Trust us, your kids will thank you in the end, even when they figure out it was you shitting on their bed all those years. Educate your child: We’ve done some baby research and found out that the reason babies

and children talk so stupid is because we have them watching shows that teach them things as if they’re brain damaged. “A is for Apple. AhPull. Apple.” Then your toddler’s running around going “AH-PULL APPLE AHHHHPUL!” like an idiot! If you’re having your TV raise your child then make them watch CNN, or better yet BBC News — they don’t edit out all the violence and gore. By age 5, The Black Sheep guarantees they’ll speak better and know more about current affairs than you. Feed your children: Whose life is better than fat people? No one, that’s who! They get to ride around on Rascals all day, shooting up insulin for their awesome diabetes. Breastfeeding your kids is step one, but don’t stop there! Cow milk has growth hormones in it to help your kids grow big and strong. Better yet, throw some beef in a blender and funnel it down your baby’s gullet. Basically you should just keeping putting liquids in your baby ‘til it just can’t take any more. Soon you’ll have a baby as tall as Yao Ming and as fat as Obese Albert — he’ll be a star that the whole world will love. Teach them the lessons that are really important: Don’t eat stuff off the floor, don’t eat stuff out of the garbage, don’t eat stuff other people were eating… unless someone pays you. These are the really important lessons we’ve learned in our combined 100+ years of life. This is pretty much everything you need to know about raising your child, you don’t need any parenting books or anything, just don’t drop the stupid thing, sell it for weed on the Quad, or donate it to the baby “research” pods in the basement of the State Farm Hall of Business and you’ll be fine.

7.) Have someone record the lecture so you don’t have to show up: Just make sure you don’t give it to the kid who mumbles things about your professor’s boobs under his breath unless you want to learn about the square root of saggy breasts. 6.) Constantly hit on your professor: Best case scenario, you pass and get laid. Worst case, you fail and get laid, but at least you’ll get a bunch of high fives/disgusted looks when you tell everyone. 5.) Sit next to the overly-enthusiastic freshman: Making buddies with the kid who makes two copies of notes, “just for funsies,” and sends out mass text reminders for every quiz is almost as good as actually caring about your own education. 4.) Pay someone to undergo plastic surgery to match your ID picture and attend your class: It’s a bit more of an investment than making friends with a nerdy freshman, but you don’t have to make friends with the person who genuinely cares about the number of electrons potassium atoms have. 3.) Convince everyone else to bomb the tests: Even if the tests aren’t curved, if literally everyone fails, you can file a complaint about your professor and get an A anyway. Just make sure you remember to bring your checkbook/brass kunckles when asking people and to avoid the phrase, “bomb the class,” especially if you’re in Schroeder. 2.) Plug in your headphones before you start watching videos on your computer: Very few things say, “I don’t give a fuck about this class,” like the opening montage of Ass-Blasters 9 blaring for 30 seconds as you fumble to simultaneously mute your computer and plug in headphones. 1.) Don’t say out loud “I don’t give a fuck about this class.” : Hell hath no fury like a gen-ed professor reminded that people are only straining to understand the basics of math through their thick-but-non-specific accent because they’re required to be there.

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? Senior Mackenzie,

“Outstanding”

ior Keeley, Sen

“Ignition Remix”

A.J., Senior

“Hold on We’re Goin’ Home” 05

tumblr: The Net’s Latest Circlejerk By: Timothy J. Bowman

“Oh my god… you watch Sherlock? Isn’t that show THE BEST?” Anna Marie Templeton of Illinois State University approached two strangers on the Quad who she overheard discussing a popular TV show. “I watch every single episode every single day, and I probably will do that for the rest of my life.” The strangers, confused, walked away from Anna, so like any good Tumblr user, she immediately pulled out her MacBook and began blogging. “Dear Internet, you’ll never guess what these two ignorant sluts did when I tried to talk to them about the one and only Sherlock.” You see, Tumblr is a blogging site that only a very particular kind of people use. The people do two things with their lives, blog and reblog. It’s quite unfortunate when they finally do realize that everyone hates them, but the day comes inevitably and often unexpectedly. For young Anna here, she carried on with her day without a care in the world. A dude riding a skateboard noticed Anna typing away at her keyboard and decided to talk to her. “Hey, you’re that Tumblr girl, right? I’m James. I saw you blogging angrily from across the Quad.” Anna stared up at James and had a look of utter disgust. “Sorry, I don’t talk to white males. See… white males are too privileged and un-empathetic to understand the pains that I go through every day. So get the fuck away from me you sexist pig.” James mumbled something under his breath and skateboarded away. Anna had her group of friends, all of whom are on Tumblr. They all reblogged all of her posts — even when she took a picture of a shit she took and made it into an animated gif. It got 97 reblogs. This kind of fame doesn’t work in the real world, however, and it often makes conversation with these Tumblr Redbirds difficult. We tracked down Anna to interview

her while she was walking home from class. “Ms. Templeton? Do you have a minute?” “Oh! Of course. What is this regarding?” Anna said, giving her fellow female a hug. “Well we just… oh thanks. We just wanted to know how you felt about ISU’s disdain towards Tumblr users.” “Disdain? How about torment? Pure hatred? It’s okay, I hate everyone and I don’t need them. Just need my Tumblr friends.” “I see…and how many of these Tumblr friends do you actually know in person?” Anna ran away after this question, and we could not scream loud enough for her to hear us. After the interview was over, we found on Anna’s Tumblr, username “fuckyeahredbirds.tumblr.com,” that she stopped at several coffee shops and took Instagram pictures to post on her Tumblr. Most of the pictures had 40-50 reblogs within 10 minutes, despite the pictures only being different angles and filters of a Coffee Hound cup thrown in the garbage. As an experiment, The Black Sheep decided to check out Tumblr.com at one of our meetings, and guys… it’s fucking amazing. Aside from the boring feminist comments and TV show fan fiction, the entire website is 95% hardcore porn. We’ve done extensive… very extensive research on this website, and we can conclude that we now understand the popularity. So yes, you should check out Tumblr if you love porn, fan fiction, and fan fiction porn, but if you don’t… there’s like no reason to go. It’s completely useless. Happy Blogging!

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Breaking Bad: A show About Meth

Proves Just as Addicting By: Chong Lighter Meyers With just two episodes left in what has been a chair-gripping blood rushing over-the-top thrilling awesome five series phenomenon, fans are starting to show signs of wear and tear from over-usage of Breaking Bad. The show revolves around a high school chemistry teacher Walter White who, you guessed it, broke bad after his fiftieth birthday and being diagnosed with cancer. ILSTU students who have seen the show (and believe me, they’ll tell you if they have) are debating about what is to come after last episode featured death, death, death, but have found making any sort of solid claim just ends up sounding stupid since Vince Gilligan always takes a hard left when progressing forward through the Breaking Bad story line. So what is it exactly about Breaking Bad that’s so addicting? With a show whose plot can be summed up as one man’s quest to secure his family’s security through selling meth (perfectly reasonable), it seems almost too strange that Breaking Bad addicts look like they do meth themselves. “We log long hours,” says Sean Kilty, an avid user of the show and RA of Watterson. “You can’t just stop. You get a little taste and all of a sudden you crave more. Next thing you know, you’re breaking down your friend’s door to see the premier of the next new episode or you’re trading your worldly possessions to afford cable.” Health major Cullen Coursey believes that there may be more to this than meets the eye. “I have no doubt that Vince Gilligan (cre-

ator of the show) uses meth in the film process. I mean I think it is clear that he literally puts meth in the camera and transmits meth through the speakers in the homes of millions of Americans. They say “hugs not drugs,” but I’ve never stayed awake for hours in my boxers eating three day old pizza to just enjoy a hug.

“Next thing you know, you’re breaking down your friend’s door to see the premier of the next new episode or you’re trading your worldly possessions to afford cable.” One of our writers had never seen the show before and was curious about all the hype. We gave him the password to our Netflix account a couple weeks ago and told him not to call us until season 4. We never received a call, but when we finally visited his place of living it had transformed from one of the nice apartments at The Lodge into a meth-den for prostitutes and drug dealers. Apparently too much Breaking Bad can, in fact, leave you craving real meth. We sauntered through the whores and crackheads to find him dead on the couch holding a ricin cigarette. The fool!

The Black Sheep took a little time to analyze Breaking Bad, and it is the opinion of one writer that secretly, everyone wants to sell meth. Well, okay, that might be a bit of a stretch. To say that everyone wants to sell meth is to say everyone wants to be famous for doing something monumental. We still love gangsters for wearing suits and robbing banks, but we can’t just stop doing nothing here at college and start a meth lab. Well, we could, but that would be time consuming and take actual work. It’s easier just to watch someone else make meth and deal with the repercussions of doing so in a show which is beautifully directed, set to great music, and filled with great one-liners that end with the word “Bitch.” Breaking Bad appeals to our “bad” side, in the same way taking a pen from the bank does on a much more intense “possibility of being dissolved by acid” level. So why is Breaking Bad so addictive? Because we’re all Walter White on the inside… of the TV.

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SEPTEMBER EVENTS Saturday September 21st

Friday September 27th

Fat Jacks Sweet 16 Anniversary Party with 80’s cover band RETROFIT 7-10pm

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The Bar Grid SAT 9/21: Fat Jack’s Sweet 16 Anniversary Party! Live Music 7-10PM

SPECIAL NIGHT

tuesday: $2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

SUNDAY - WEDNESDAY $2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka

College Night w/ DJ at 10pm No Cover! $0.75 Wells, $1.50 Double Wells, $2 Bombs, Bud Light Bottles, Long Islands

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family Draft $2.50 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Family Pitchers

"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover $3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands

FRI 9/27: Oktoberfest w/ 10 Different Beers on Tap!

SATURDAY

$1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands

SAT 9/21: Fat Jack’s Sweet 16 Anniversary Party! Live Music 7-10PM

SUNDAY

$2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

All $2.75 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.25 Miller Family Bottles $2 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Beams, SoCo & Seagram 7

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags Bag Tourney Every Monday

$2.75 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

$2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, Free Juke and Bags Kyle Yap and Friends LIVE Acoustic at 10pm

$2.75 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life

$1 Domestic Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

Drifter’s Country Night w/ DJ and Karaoke $1 Cans, $2 Tall Doubles and Bombs, $3 Call Its including Top Shelf

$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

WEDNESDAY

FRI 9/27: Oktoberfest w/ 10 Different Beers on Tap! $2 Domestic Bottles $2 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

9/20: $2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

9/28: $2.75 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

WED: Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz import or craft draft beer

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The Bar Grid

MONDAY: $4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

EVERYDAY: $4 Bud Family Domestic Pitchers $3 Import bottles $1.75 bud family pints

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

$5.99 Coney Dog Baskets (with two dogs!), $2.50 138 Shots, $3 Import Bottles and 16oz Pacifico Draft, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs $10 Domestic Buckets

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts

THURSDAY

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

$5.99 Lasagna & Garlic Bread Free Appetizers (5pm - 7pm), $2.50 Coronas/Dos Equis, $5 Long Islands, $2.50 138 Shot, $3 Import bottles, 16oz Pacifico Draft and Whiskey Mixers, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages

FRIDAY

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 138 Shots, $2.50 Coronas, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

$2.50 Well Drinks

SATURDAY

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

$3 Bloody Marys, Import Bottles, Mimosas, Calls and 16oz Pacifico Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$4.99 Sloppy Joe Baskets, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Car bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

MONDAY

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$1 Tacos (Hard or Soft Shell), $2.50 Coronas, $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Import Bottles & Calls, $4 Car Bombs and Domestic Pitchers, $3 16oz Pacifico Drafts, $10 Domestic Buckets

$3 Captain Morgan

TUESDAY

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$4.99 BBQ Pulled Pork Baskets, $2 Vegas Bombs, Domestic Bottles and Wells, $3 Import Bottles, $4 Domestic Pitchers, Car Bombs and Jager Bombs, $5 Long Islands, $7 Cruzan Buckets

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

WED.

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

$6 32oz Long Islands

$7 Premium Pitchers

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken

What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever done?: Passed out, puked, and peed in her bed at the same time.

Major: Public Relations Favorite Drink: Absolut Cherrykran with water and a splash of cranberry Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze

If you were alive in medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: Jousting on a Clydesdale.

Disgusting Drink: Jager and anything

What word do you find strangely sexual?: Sack.

If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Honey mustard pretzels.

What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Anus.

Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: No.

Alli of Pub II Drinking Game

What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Cut my hair into a bowl cut. One time, you laughed so hard you…: Peed in my snow suit.

Recipe for disaster

Breaking Booze

Morning-After Mixer

With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.

Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.

What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown.

- Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”

What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up!

The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.

Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!

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Major Decisions By: Carlos D. Danger Deciding what to major in is no easy task. After all, you’ll be spending the next couple years of your life learning the ins and outs of your chosen field before eventually graduating and finding a job in a completely unrelated field. And let’s be honest, even if you’re still deluding yourself and enrolled as something other than “undecided,” pretty soon you’ll bomb the first exam in that history of architecture course you thought you’d get out of the way early and will end up in the academic advising center with a box of tissues and an inferiority complex; just like the rest of us. Fortunately for you, The Black Sheep staff is here to help! Using our considerable power and influence, we’ve managed to cobble together a list of partially accurate facts for your perusal. Business: Do you find yourself looking back fondly at your high school glory days? Are you ready to abandon your dreams of teaching calculus to underprivileged African children in exchange for a life of relative financial security and quiet obscurity? Then a business major might be for you! The College of Business contains a number of virtually indistinguishable departments to ensure that the cogs of the corporate engine are never at a loss for replaceable parts. Sociology: Does crime pay? Which ethnicities are inherently better at table tennis? Can you identify a person’s occupation by licking them? If you’ve ever thought about these questions, you should probably seek counseling. Failing that, join the sociology department! Human nature is a delicate and fickle thing, so in the sociology department, we interrogate the hell out of it to determine when and where it’ll strike next. Be it war, genocide, or ostracizing the theater department, we can tell you when, where, and why it’ll happen… for a price. (Editors’ Note: The Black Sheep staff can be identified by a smooth and creamy taste, rather like a root-beer float.)

Theater: If you’re reading this article, chances are you won’t be going into theater. Theater majors already know they’re destined for the stage. How? The voices told them. If you’re too busy singing show tunes on the Quad to read this, enjoy cult life, you weirdo. Otherwise, keep reading. English: Do you have a restless creative spirit, but lack the social abnormality to go into art? Come check out the English department! Got some emotional baggage? Great! We’ve been writing poems about your issues since before you even had them. Not a writer? That’s fine too. We study a wide variety of literature written by white British males from the 19th century. Not interested in studying the canon? We’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. Stop by any time (and bring weed)! Biology: Tired of being shunned by the general populace because you prefer a hands-on exploration of the mysteries of the human body? Do you too dream of transcending the limitations of the flesh though scientific augmentation? Then join the Biology department! In our lab experiments you’ll learn how to push the boundaries of common decency until they snap. Of course, all progress comes at a price; the nature of our experiments is such that the result can be quite dangerous. But fear not, you’ll learn quick enough which compounds to keep on hand in case of a rabi-gator outbreak. Hurry though; the 2nd floor of Felmley Hall is dealing with an infestation of particularly fierce algae. Come, join the biology warriors! FOR SCIENCE! Sorry guys, we had to cut this week’s article a bit short. We wanted to talk to some of the chemistry majors, but they were called away to contain something they just referred to as “It”. Judging by the flare guns they gave us, along with the instructions to “evacuate the Science Laboratory Building immediately,” we thought it best to reschedule.

The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

2 4

Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.

Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

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Synonyms for good

Awesome Bang Up Dandy Fantastic Great

Groovy Hot Keen Legit Neat

Nifty Peachy Slap Up Smashing Solid

Superb Swell Tight Tits Wonderful

answer key

Ball Varieties ACROSS 2) A ballistic this send warheads to a predetermined target. 4) The technical term for your man’s balls. 5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc. 9) Foooore! 10) These high class ladies would attend a ball. 14) Ball State University is located in this state. 15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot. 19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport. 20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety. DOWN 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks off, two words. 3) Football for the rest of the world.

crossword

6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what? 7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball. 8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came off of which album? 11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball. 13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this. 16) Girls in Spandex play this.

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