The Black Sheep
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Vol. 5, Issue 4
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
Illinois State Homecoming:
What Not to Miss
BY: Scoop Chang This year ISU has gone all-out for homecoming. With anniversaries ranging from the 40th year of having a student center with a stupid name, to the 150th year of the Alumni Association soliciting donations from graduates, it’s time to show your pride and spread the red! The Black Sheep will help get you started. Though Homecoming has already begun, most of the big events are still to come. For you artsy types, there’s quite a lot to enjoy, from whatever the hell “The Forever Waltz” is, to that band from Titanic that didn’t go down with the ship. Also, the Rural Documentary Collection Exhibition closes October 6th, so it’s your last chance ever to see black and white pictures of chickens. Remember what Colonel Sanders said “nothing gets your girlfriend craving oral sex better than colorless pictures of farm animals.” But we know what you’re all thinking, “Hey The Black Sheep, where exactly is all of the free food?” Well tubbs, we’ve mapped out your week for you. On October 4th at 5 p.m. there’s the annual hot dog eating contest on the Quad. Keep an eye out for the 3 types of people that can eat more than you. Obviously we have the fat kids, who have been waiting all year to shove unlimited food down their throats without being judged. Then there are the skinny kids, who like Kobayashi and despite their tiny girlish figures, can scarf down more hot dogs than a stoned bear. Which brings us to the final group of competitors: the stoners. Much like the aforementioned fat kids, they’ve waited all year long to get baked and munch on some nitrate-filled wieners. Most of them will smoke themselves paranoid and find it impossible to leave the house; however, the others will be a tie-dyed eating force to be reckoned with. If you didn’t manage to register for the hot dog eating contest, worry not! At 7 p.m., the same day, homecoming royalty are being crowned and more importantly, there will be more free food. We doubt the hundreds of votes we submitted for Chris Brown will actually be counted, but come for the munchies and a bonfire anyway. It’s a pretty big fire, so if you’re going to make s’mores then bring a really big stick or someone you want to see on fire. The ignorant Redbirds might think this to be all of the complimentary cuisine this homecoming has to offer, but they are sadly mistaken. The rivalry to see this year isn’t the Redbirds vs. The Western Illinois Westerners (or whatever their mascot is), it’s all about the gratis grub.
The Vidette is celebrating 125 years of publication with coffee and doughnuts before the parade on Saturday. Not one to be shown up, the Department of Agriculture is throwing a simultaneous coffee and doughnut reception in Ropp 107F. Our sources tell us that Dr. Rob Rhykerd, Chair & Professor of Soil Science, planned the event saying that “The Vidette” are “a bunch of chodes” and that “their doughnuts will give everyone herpes, of both the anus and mouth.” The Black Sheep cannot attest to the legitimacy of these sexually charged claims (he is a doctor), but recommends that everyone attend either reception with caution. After eating some hopefully-herpes/tiny penis-free doughnuts, it’s time for the homecoming parade and the fantastically drunken tailgating we’ve been waiting for. The only two tailgating tents you need to
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As if the Jamba Juice wasn’t enough!
check out are the Redbird Hospitality tent and the College of Nursing Tent, containing a cash bar and catering from Moe’s Southwest Grill respectively. Everywhere else won’t give you booze or burritos, so why even talk about them. Kick-off is at 2 p.m. and we’re pretty confident in a Redbird victory. We’ve got our shiny new Hancock Stadium which, word has it, is equipped with bees trained to blind the visiting team. So if you’re allergic to bee stings, then now’s the time to streak and face your fear. With that last gem of information, you are all ready to have a great homecoming. Get fat, get drunk, and yell “WOO REDBIRDS!” like it’s your job. Oh, and if you don’t have school spirit it’s ok, just get high and wish you had the courage to go to that hot dog eating contest.
Jesse pinkman may have gotten to stay alive, but that doesn’t mean we want to.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
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