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Vol. 5, Issue 5
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/17/13 - 10/30/13
HALLOWEEN Spooktacular
The Halloween
Horror! BY: Mitch Vaginapun
Every Halloween,
a wave of terror glides across the campus. A slow, terrorizing tidal wave of fear splashes down, like jungle juice vomit rolling down a stairway. We know this article may bring back some chilling memories, so consider this your trigger warning. We are about to talk about He Who is Nearly Unmentionable. Prepare your anuses for the clenching of a lifetime, because we’re about to explore a pit so dark and sacred you’ll think we accidentally went into the wrong hole. But this was no mistake, and no matter how painful this is for you, it’ll hurt less if you just accept it. We are going to talk about… The Halloween Horror. Wait, you seriously don’t remember him? You must have just repressed the horrible, nightmareinducing memories. The words are still etched into our minds: “Reports of a tall, tan-skinned individual with at least one weapon. Last seen wearing a hoodie and sweatpants near Stevenson Hall. All individuals remain indoors.” The police locked Schroeder down tighter than if there were bomb threats in consecutive weeks. Wait, that’s not saying much — the police locked Schroeder down like they had seen a black guy in a hoodie walking too close to someone after sundown. The campus was gripped with fear, huddling inside dorm bathrooms trying to comfort each other with shower orgies, but all of the soap and insertion was in vain. Just as things started getting slippery, every phone on every floor lit up and displayed the same terrifying news: “Due to recent information, the entire campus is now under boil order. All water is contaminated, like, even if you don’t live in the dorms or whatever, you can’t drink it or touch it and stuff.” The bone chilling warning shriveled even the most persistent erections, as students ran into their rooms and bathed in hand sanitizer. “The stinging was horrible,” recounted senior stud Vitch Maginapun. “Hand sanitizer in your urethra is as opposite to an infection as you can get, but it felt exactly the same as five of the seven STIs I’ve had. Damn you, Halloween Horror! Damn you straight to hell!” After Halloween last year, the Halloween Horror was never heard from again. That is, until yesterday. The warning made hundreds of girls scream in a way that was previously thought to occur
only at Aaron Carter concerts. “According to a credible source, shots have been fired on campus in what appears to be a raid on President Flanagan’s fortress. The President is secured, but the status of his pot of gold is still unconfirmed, and students are urged to avoid the south side of campus and all boxes of Lucky Charms until instructed otherwise.” Oh, and how we shat our pants at the news. Shots fired? At Illinois State?! That’s definitely never happened before, especially not earlier this year! The Halloween Horror had gone too far, so we at The Black Sheep tracked him down and took away his phone, ensuring that he could never terrorize the campus again. You’re welcome, fair citizens, for your phones will now only occasionally be sent warning messages that cause more fear than help! What? You guys thought he was shooting and poisoning people? God no, he was just sending really fake scary texts. But isn’t that worse than cutting a body into pieces and throwing it into several different rivers? How can anyone feel safe when every threat requires the highest level of security and police action!? Oh, except bomb threats. Don’t even worry about those.
page 4
page 7
pages 12-13
The Ghost of Al Bowman
Scholars Spook Students Sharing Statistics
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
Was it retirement? or Murder?!?
let’s Successfully celebrate Halloween sans the sin.
Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com
We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.