ISU SPRING ISSUE 6

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

FRE E! L bee ike wa r...d ter rink in yo fast ur sh er, f ow ool er !

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

REGGIE REDBIRD ARRESTED IN ‘EGG-CITING’ BAR BRAWL Bert Velasco wrote this

Reggie Redbird, Bradley’s Kaboom! and the Easter Bunny were arrested early Easter morning at the Pub II. Bail is set for all parties at $15,000.

It was like any other Saturday night, the restaurants and bars of Uptown had a steady flow of both newcomers and old friends. At Pub II, Reggie Redbird sat alone trying to enjoy a cold one after cheering on the intramural ISU macramé team in the macramé playoffs at the Encounter Campus Ministry.

Reggie was charming young and old patrons alike, much to the dismay of the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny looked on, feeling that Reggie was taking away the real spirit of Easter (to have family photos with a large comical rabbit which in no way resembles the resurrection of Jesus Christ). The large rabbit was jealous and planned to give him a piece of his mind.

Around 11:43 p.m. the bars were bustling. The Easter Bunny peered through the window to find his nemesis from this afternoon. Drunk people were lining up to give him high-fives and take selfies. The giant rabbit, newly enraged, had two things: a fiery authority complex and a 97¢ carton of eggs from CVS. The Easter creature swung open the door of Pub II and pitched an egg at Reggie, which splattered all over his beak. Reggie lunged at the Easter Bunny, tossing over tables and spilling everyone’s beer in the process.

Reggie got a few punches in before the bunny grabbed one of his wings and slung Reggie across the room. He crashed into a table and bumped into another figure. It was none other than Kaboom! the Bradley mascot with a learning deficiency!

Kaboom! was drinking, as he was recently fired from Bradley University for being unpopular.

Things got heated when Kaboom! pulled out his switchblade.

No one thought that the flamboyant gargoyle was capable of producing such threats and was flailing his knife like a mad man-in-a-gargoyle-costume. The Easter Bunny didn’t want his focus derailed again and disarmed Kaboom! with another egg. If he and Reggie were going to duke it out, they were going to fight like men in costumes.

Bottles were broken, outfits were ripping at the seams, and the punches would’ve been much more severe if it weren’t for

PAGE 5 TOP 10: PLACES TO HIDE EASTER EGGS AT ISU FEEL LIKE PLACING EGGS AROUND CAMPUS? WE FOUND THE BEST PLACES JUST FOR YOU.

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the insulation of the costumes. Before any of them could actually hurt one another, local police apprehended the bunch.

Those who were there witnessed the impressive feat of handcuffing wings, paws, and claws of the assailants.

All three mascots were cooped up in the back of the police car and were whisked away for temporary confinement. The Black Sheep tried to get an official statement from Reggie but the guy in the suit still refused to break character.

PAGE 10

PAGES 12-13

MIXED DRINKS, MIXED RESULTS

IT’S THE ANNUAL INTRAMURAL SOFTBALL DRAFT!

WE SACRAFICED OUR STOMACHS TO COME UP WITH SOME CRAZY DRINKING RECIPES.

APRIL 1ST, 2015 - APRIL 15TH, 2015

WE RUN THROUGH ALL THE PICKS IN THIS YEAR’S HISTORIC DRAFT.

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TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

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FRIDAY

SATURDAY

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

PINTURNT UP When a girl makes all the booze recipes she finds on Pinterest and gets completely plastered.

HONDO MACLEAN

Becky made 8 cosmos, 3 martinis, and 5 rainbow colored shooters last night. She was so pinturnt up!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz?

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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST UNUSUAL THING EVER TO HAPPEN TO YOU AT AN OUTDOOR PARTY? ALLI LEACOCK, JUNIOR “I ran into a sliding glass door.”

JEFF BLINKS, SENIOR

“I was with my friends in a canoe when it tipped over in the lake. I lost my Tamagotchi. Wasn’t sure why I had it with me in the first place.”

BRAD BEDEL, JUNIOR

“I was at a grad party and my friend got a guitar, at the time, I just came from my band practice so I had my Cajon in my car and my other friend had his then we had an impromptu hippie circle jam session, singing about Vitamin C and being friends forever.”

06

WHERE THE EGGS?

THE TOP TEN PLACES TO HIDE EASTER EGGS AT ISU With the bipolar spring weather comes everyone’s eighth favorite holiday. What better way to celebrate the resurrection of J.C. than to have a little fun and hide some colored eggs around campus?

10.) In the stacks at the library: We all tell our parents we basically live at the library, but how many of us have actually checked out a book? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

Hide a few eggs within the books, and they may be forever hidden.

JESUS’ BICENTENNIAL REVIEW OF ISU Steve Johnson wrote this

Jesus is hella busy, but the dude manages to come back from time-to-time, mainly to make sure that buffoonery at ISU is kept to a minimum. Before he left this year, we managed to get an excerpt from his review of our sins.

On Gluttony: I don’t know what’s more frightening, a plague of locusts or you guys on popcorn chicken day. I watched a girl shiv a man with a fork because he cut her in line. You guys have got to find a way to be healthier here. Maybe start that new thing they call “cross-fit?” Heh, I looked pretty fit on that cross, amirite? Or maybe wage a holy war in my name? Or both, whatever. Either will help you burn off the 12-pack of Redd’s and that Reggie Zone you ate after you struck-out at the bar.

On Lust: Look, one time I was naked on a cross, people are into weird stuff, I get it. That said, you people still manage to surprise me. I won’t even try to ask for abstinence until marriage. All I’m asking is that you try to refrain from banging 50% of the people you meet. Sex has existed for millio— I mean thousands of years, but you all took it to a new level of sin. I still love you guys, but stop coming on to her, and come unto me instead.

On Pride: The Rec may seem like a harmless place, but it’s a house of sin. The amount of hubris that goes on in there makes Kanye West look like John the Baptist. You don’t have to curl so close to the mirror, guys. You cannot make eye contact with your biceps. I understand that you’re trying to look good so you can try to get with that one girl that always works out in free-weight section of the Rec. But it’s just a coincidence that she wears the tightest yoga pants she can when she squats, she’s not trying to seduce anyone. Wait… maybe she is… I’m disappointed in her, too.

On Sloth: When I was on earth, I was getting shit done. Do you think they wrote The Holy Bible about me because I sat around watching Friends on Netflix all day? No. They wrote about me because I served as a metaphorical allegory for sacrifice and love. They won’t write a book like that about you if you just sit around complaining on Twitter from the comfort of your couch. Go out and do something important with your life, you bums. Netflix is pretty great, though.

Guys, if you need any more tips you can pick up a copy of my latest book “The New Testament” at your local church or hotel. Guys on the Quad, too. That should give you a good idea of what I want you all to be doing. Come on people, work with me here, I’m not asking as much as the Old Testament.

Just stay away from drugs, alcohol and sex. It’s not that hard, right?

9.) In the Watterson salad bar: Students are usually too busy stuffing food into their faces to notice the eggs they normally toss on their salads are now pastel pink. The perfect disguise.

8.) At the G-Spot: The most awkward spot on campus may very well be the best place to hide your Easter eggs. Most guys won’t be able to find it anyway.

7.) Give some to the crazy Christians: Every student here has seen the batty Bible enthusiast on the Quad, spitting words about how ISU students are all going to hell. Try and sneak a few eggs into their pockets. If they don’t notice you, it’ll be the best hiding spot ever. If they do, just egg them. It’s a win-win.

6.) Toss ‘em on the Quad: Give the eggs ten minutes on the Quad and watch the squirrels try and run away with them. If you wanna get the egg, you’ll have to chase down a Quad squirrel and that’s just free entertainment… Free to everyone else who isn’t dumb enough to be chasing squirrels.

5.) On top of the rock wall: The gym is packed on a daily basis, but how many people actually climb all the way to the top of the rock wall? Few have tried and even less have succeeded. Egg-hunters will have to work(out) for it and actually risk their lives attempting to climb the wall.

4.) Chasers: Even though Chasers is supposedly making a comeback, who really goes there except townies and under-agers? Hide a few eggs inside Chasers and no one will ever find them. Ever.

3.) In gen-ed classes: Put ‘em under the seats of the classes in Schroeder or Edwards Hall; you know, the typical gen-ed lecture classes that everyone usually skips? The students who skip will flunk the class, lose the egg hunt, and disappoint their parents, professors, and the big man upstairs. Way to go, now Jesus thinks you’re a screw-up.

2.) Third floor of the Bone: “Wait, the Bone has a third floor? Since when?” The majority of underclassmen do not dare to venture up there, making it the perfect spot to confuse the hell out of them and get them out of their comfort zone.

1.) In the palm of the hand: Hide a few in the famous Hand of Friendship statue on the Quad by Hovey Hall. You know, like “hiding” a few easy eggs for the little kids so they don’t start crying. Same concept.

Dolly O’Donnell wrote this

OH NO...

AND ON THE FOURTH DAY HE GOT HAMMERED AGAIN Tina Poehler wrote this

Daniels and his friends watched the tipsy messiah invite himself inside. “He just walked into the apartment – no explanation – and started handing out plastic cups full of Franzia to everybody,” explained junior Kevin Tompkins.

Winking and saying, “There’s more where that came from,” Jesus then walked over to the counter, dumped out every liquor container he could get his hands on and filled them with grimy-looking tap water. “Watch this trick guys! You’re reaaally gonna like this – guys don’t glare! It was only Burnett’s! You know who drinks Burnett’s? Bradley kids. Also, Satan.

But, I mean, Bradley kids…Satan…same thing, amiright?” Jesus slurred with a sly grin.

After changing one too many waters to wine (and at this point sporting nothing but a loincloth and abs that would make Channing Tatum jealous), Jesus drunkenly chewed on a pretzel stick and poured out his soul like he was making his first confession.

“Guys you don’t EVEN KNOW!” he exclaimed belligerently. “The last supper? More like the last rager! Strippers and Jewish cocaine everywhere.” Sarah Carter, devoted Catholic and women’s studies major stared in shock as the hammered holy one continued. “I was all like ‘Take my body!’ and ‘Let’s start drinking my blood.’ It was weird but they were totally into it.

Like we have Christians… and then we have Christian Greys.” He winked at Carter as she silently questioned everything she had learned in Sunday school.

Wide-eyed and slightly flushed, Jesus continued with his unsolicited revelations, “You remember the story of creation?

Yeah, you guys started off as my ant farm. It wasn’t a seven-day process. It was more of a science experiment-turneduniverse. God the Father was pissed, just like that time he accidently got Mary pregnant. He doesn’t think that I know I was a mistake, but I know man… I know.”

The college students sat uncomfortably as a small tear slid down Jesus’ face. He bottled it and then handed the container to Tompkins, “Use this holy water to ward off Satan. Or when the Wesleyan kids get too close.” The ISU senior took it and hesitantly patted Jesus on the back as the man-god continued his rant.

“Oh and Noah’s Ark? Not a thing. Literally never happened,” he said. “We just added that to the Old Testament to show up those flashy Greek gods. And yeah, they’re real. But let me tell you, those Greeks are the same as the ones here – they have weird, effed up family relations and they’re all trying to sleep with each other.”

Jesus turned toward Sarah once more. “Hey you know why they call me the savior?” he asked as she tried to pry his sweaty arm off her shoulder. “Because I can take you to heaven, baby. Speaking tongues isn’t the only thing I can do with my mouth.” Again, Jesus winked as everyone silently prayed that he would go back to where he came from. To their luck, Jesus soon fell into a quiet slumber, disturbed only by his almighty snores and the flash of an iPhone as his host sent After another successful Easter resurrection, Jesus Christ, acclaimed savior of the world and protagonist of the best seller, Jesus’ photo to @isupassouts.

The Holy Bible, stopped by Illinois State University on Monday to get righteously plastered.

Everyone stared, not sure about what had just happened. “He’s kind of an asshole,” commented Smith, “I can see why ISU delinquents and future educators of today’s youth, Austin Bailey and Scott Daniels, were already halfway to their people wanted to off him. He can’t hang.” The others nodded in agreement. goal of getting locked-in-the-pantry drunk when they heard a knock on their front door. Daniels opened the door to find a tall, dazzling brunette blanketed in light, which he found completely normal despite the fact that it was 11:57 p.m. “Yeah, the Romans were probably just trying to teach him how to with that whole cross thing,” mused Sarah. “So what do we do with him now?” they asked.

“Honesty, I thought he was a Victoria’s Secret Angel at first. The halo and wavy blowout really threw me for a loop. Plus, he was tiny! He looked like he had been starving in a cave for a few days, which I’m assuming is the Victoria’s Secret “I don’t really know,” Tompkins said as he nervously drew a dick on the sleeping messiah’s face, “but I’m sure he’ll rise again.” workout,” commented Daniels.

Student Loses it When Nobody Says “God Bless You”

Parents Attempt “Adult Easter Egg Hunt,” Young Child Drunk

Last Thursday an 8 a.m. lecture was brought to a screeching halt after junior crop and soil sciences major, Clint Westrock, sneezed. The sneeze elicited no reaction from the professor or his classmates; they just ignored it and went on. After asking “Nobody?” loudly, pausing, and then yelling “NOBODY?!” he started screaming and ran out of the building, pulling the fire alarm as he left. He was later apprehended and ticketed.

“We just wanted to do something special for our daughter, Kayli, it was her first Easter back from college,” Mr. and Mrs. Gousse told the police last weekend. It seems while they were trying to spice up the ol’ Easter egg hunt for their eldest child, they weren’t watching the youngest.

background—had to go and screw everything up,” Kayli lamented to us. “I’m lucky I’m a TriDelt, otherwise I might not know how to take care of a drunk child. Richie is nothing compared to Alyssa, you don’t even know.

Anyway, I gotta go get this little slut some DP Dough.”

“Well first we let little Richard, our 7-year-old, go out first and collect all the eggs filed with regular candy,” Mrs. Gousse explained from her jail cell. “And when he was done, we re-hid the eggs, but with rum chocolates. We thought Kayli would get a kick out of it, but… I guess Richard didn’t get his fill.”

Richard, the drunk child, is expected to make a full recovery and the Gousse’s trial is set for early May. Hopefully the jury will be in the Easter spirit.

We spoke with bystanders to get their point of view of the incident. What we really wanted to know was why didn’t anyone say “God bless you?”

Junior Kent Brock told us he regretted his lack of action, “You know, I thought about saying it, but I was really tired and I didn’t want to expend the extra effort. It’s all I can do to not fall asleep in these lectures anyway.” Others were not as apathetic about the issue.

Sophomore Judy Peterson stood by her decision to remain silent. “I didn’t say any-

Scoop Chang wrote this

thing on purpose. I was taking a stand and I think everyone in that lecture was with me. We don’t need to say it anymore.

No one wants to say ‘God bless you.’ It’s not a religious thing either, it’s just like… why do we have to acknowledge when someone sneezes? Like, good for you! You got sick and you’re spraying it everywhere; let’s throw you a parade!”

We also interviewed Westrock to get his side of things. “I don’t regret what I did. Maybe now those inconsiderate shits will acknowledge when someone

sneezes,” he told us, still visibly shaken. “I mean, when you sneeze and no one says anything, how stupid do you feel?

I needed just a little encouragement, just a little something. I would’ve settled for a ‘gesundheit,’ I’m not picky. But when they all just ignored me, I snapped man… I snapped.”

Clint has since refused to pay his ticket, saying he had every right to flip out. There is now a warrant out for his arrest and he is on the lam. God bless you, Clint Westrock.

Scoop Chang wrote this

The Gousses are facing 10 years in jail on child endangerment charges. When asked for a comment, Mr. Gousse told us, “If anything it’s the dog’s fault. He kept crapping all over the house so we got him that damn doggie door.

How were we supposed to know that Richard could fit through it too?” Gousse was fuming, he stared down his dog (whom we brought with us for the visit). The dog looked ashamed.

We contacted Kayli who was babysitting her still-drunk little brother. “Yeah, I don’t know what to say. It was kind of cool that they were going to let me drink, but this fat pig—loud hiccupping and giggling could be heard in the

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!

TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

PARTY AT FAT JACK’S FOR SPRINGFEST! LIVE MUSIC ALL DAY AND NIGHT!

SATURDAY: Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Red Bull Vodka

$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ

$2 Blackjack Shots, Well Drinks & Domestic Bottles $3 Tsunamis & Pints on Draught

$3 High Life Pitchers $3.00 PBR Bottles $2.75 Well Drinkss

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 All Ciders $2.50 Fireball $2.50 Rum All Day! $4 Bud Family Pitchers

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ

$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.75 Miller/Coors Family Bottles $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ

$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

SUNDAY

$2 Bloody Marys $2.50 Stoli Sunday $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza

All $3 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $3 Whiskey

$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!

Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

WEDNESDAY

$1 Domestic Bottles $2.25 Fireball $3.25 All Bombs $3.25 Bud Family Pitchers

Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza

$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka Team Trivia from 7-9pm

$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

$2 Well Drinks $2 1/2 Pints Drafts $3 Bombs

Karaoke at 9pm! $2 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

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THE BAR GRID Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

MONDAY $5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers

THURSDAY

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands

$2.50 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials $4 Jameson

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

FRIDAY

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$3.75 24oz Cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers

SATURDAY

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.75 24oz Cup $4 Absolute Bloody Marys

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers

MONDAY

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

TUESDAY

$7 Premium Pitchers

$5 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers

WEDNESDAY

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MIXED DRINKS, MIXED RESULTS: THE BLACK SHEEP EXPERIMENTS Albert Macklin wrote this

Mixed drinks are an essential part of every college student’s diet. Unfortunately, mixed drinks can get expensive at bars, and frankly, you don’t have the time to cut up lemon garnish or to fill your fridge with fancy mixers. The Black Sheep has a similar problem, and set out to create healthy and delicious alcoholic beverages out of items you’ll find easily in your refrigerator. Yeah, we actually did this.

Screwball The Screwball is similar to a Screwdriver, but uses Blo-No’s favorite Fireball in lieu of expensive vodka. Pour yourself a shot of cinnamon whiskey, and top it of with some QD-brand OJ for a delightful blend of flavor.

What you’ll need: -Fireball -Orange juice The Black Sheep’s Review: Most mixed drinks will completely remove the flavor of alcohol when you drink them. A Screwball, however, removes the flavor of orange juice instead.

Don’t be fooled by the strong whiskey scent—the spicy, refreshing flavor of cooled Fireball rinses over the palate for a nostalgic “Christmas in Florida” feeling.

Rating:

Big Kids’ Chocolate Milk Become king of the kids’ table with this simple, yet delicious concoction. Really, slipping some bottom-shelf whiskey into the mix promises for a great time in just about any situation.

What you’ll need: -Caramel-flavored whiskey -Chocolate milk The Black Sheep’s Review: It’s better than whiskey, but not better than chocolate milk. Close your eyes, hold your breath, and put this one down quick. Never question the purity of chocolate milk.

Rating:

Mackinac Island Iced Tea Whoever made the Long Island threw together all the alcohol at the bar and realized it tasted like tea. The Black Sheep took tea and just threw a bunch of alcohol in it. Basically the same concept, but you wont get cut off after having two of these at Pub II. What you’ll need: -Iced tea (we used Strawberry Arnold Palmer) - Tea-flavored vodka - Cheap, sweet wine - Feel free to add any other alcohol to this as well (beer, Fireball, tequila, etc.)

The Black Sheep’s Review Here you have a tea with a tingling sweet flavor and a bite that would make Mike Tyson proud. We may even be so bold as to say that it’s better than a Long Island.

This is a great tea flavor that mixes well together so long as you have an open mind and an open mouth.

Rating: No thumbs down!

Admiral and Almond Milk Picture, if you will, a beautiful sand beach.

The ocean waves splash at your feet, tickling your desire to know the unknown. You look to your right, expecting to see your scantilyclad soul mate, but instead you see vegans.

Vegans everywhere. Vegans as far as the eye can see, arguing about vegan things, like hydroponics, the pros and cons of various mythical creatures, and underground political parties. That’s a lot like what this drink is like, just in liquid form.

What you’ll need: - Admiral Nelson’s - Almond milk The Black Sheep’s Review During your first sip, you’ll think to yourself “Hey, maybe vegans aren’t that bad after all,” but after tasting the chalky residue that is this drink, you’ll quickly remember that vegans reject bacon and even cheese. You’ll be wishing you had a glass of straight Admiral Nelson’s instead. At some point, you’ll get a bold, coconut flavor, but this drink is really a last resort for those dead-set on not harming living things while consuming their alcohol.

The Breakfast Special: Jack and Yolk Jack and Cokes are solid, but you wouldn’t want one with breakfast. This protein-lover’s dream mixes the happiness of breakfast foods with the intensity of good whiskey. Put this one down, and you’ll get the biggest of thumbs ups from a real-live Ron Swanson.

What you’ll need: - Jack Daniel’s - One raw egg - A dash of syrup The Black Sheep’s Review: Y’know when you’re at the doctor’s office, and they go to check you for strep throat, and they take that little swab and gag you with it? Drinking this elicits a feeling much, much worse. The sweetness of the syrup is lost in the abyss that is whiskey and raw egg white, and just when you think you can’t take any more, the giant yolk comes barreling down your throat like a flaming chariot descending into a portal to hell.

Rating:

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BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

BROILER AT BREWE-HA’S

Relationship Status: Single Major: Life Favorite Drink: Crown Royal Favorite Shot: Also Crown Royal Disgusting Drink: T,G,RB (Tequila, gin, root beer) What prank would you like to pull on someone who didn’t tip you?: Vodka in their beer is pretty fun. Nighty night!

What’s the best drink to suck down in a beer garden?: Budweiser How would you spend $100 in nickels?: Throw them at people who don’t tip.

Which two vulgarities don’t pair as a very good insult?: Fuck Ass Give us the down-low on the birds and the bees: I’m better at demonstrations.

What famous animal name would you name your firstborn?: Baloo Combine two fast food items from different chains to produce something delicious: The Monster and the McChicken Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Everybody needs a laugh now and then.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

RETOX

THE ORIGINAL HAMBURGER

So you decided to take it easy for a little bit after a particularly brutal spring break. All’s going well until Dianne finds out Eric’s been cheating on her, and she needs just…like, a night to feel ALIVE, you know? But, you haven’t worn your drinking shoes for a while. So, it’s time to retox.

With, well, less ass-cold weather, we’re in the midst of a grilling season renaissance. College campuses are seeing non-skunky smoke rise from porches and balconies everywhere. But what are you, the broke college student to do? You can’t afford ketchup OR mustard. Lean back on Louie’s—the first burger in America—recipe to give you all the authenticity your grub needs.

What You’ll Need: A bottle of whatever hard liquor traditionally leaves you the least hungover, a non-alcoholic drink that works as both a chaser and a mixer, two dice, a pint glass, a rocks glass and a shot glass.

What You’ll Need: 1lb hamburger meat, white bread, cheese slices, tomato, onion

Number of Players: You can fly solo, or para un amigo o dos amigos.

Fatty Factor: Hey, you can’t afford mayo either, so it’s not that bad.

Level of Intoxication: ALL ABOARD THE HANGOVER EXPRESS! How To Play: - The game is played by rolling dice and drinking based on the results of the dice rolls.

- Players take turns, and a player’s drink must be finished before he can go again, though there’s not a huge rush or anything, you know man?

- A player rolls both dice at once and follows the results below: - If a player rolls a 2, he must do a straight shot of liquor, no chaser.

- If a player rolls a 12, he must drink a double in a rocks glass with a splash of chaser, no ice.

- If a player rolls a 3 or 11, he must drink a shot with a chaser.

- If a player rolls a 4 or 10, he must drink a rocks glass with a shot and as much chaser of his choosing.

- If a player rolls 5-9, he must drink a pint glass with 1 shot and as much chaser as he chooses.

The Game Ends When: You find your pants the next morning.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Cook Time: Get the grill goin’, then like, 10 minutes.

Let’s Get Baked: - Start your grill—do what you gotta do. So, either fire up that gas, or light some charcoal and, uh…watch it.

- While your grill is getting hot, literally season your meat with salt and pepper. Form into 4 equally-sized patties.

- Toast 8 pieces of bread.

- Check your grill—you don’t want to have a fire that ends up with a lot of dead people. Or, even 1 dead person.

- If your grill is ready—like, really hot—toss on your burgers.

- Slice your tomato.

- After 5 minutes, flip ‘em.

- Slice your onion.

- Your burgers are now done. Good job, you did it. Take ‘em off the grill and let them rest for 5 minutes.

- Assemble the burger components minutes the meat. NO KETCHUP, YOU HEAR ME, DIEGO? - After the meat’s rested, finish the sandwich. Do not give one to Diego.

A burger that doesn’t just taste like ketchup, who knew? Well, some old dead guy from Connecticut did. So you can thank him.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Residence Hall Holds Annual

Intramural Softball Draft

ley wrote this Shane Tol As spring finally rolls around, so does the annual Reynolds Residence Hall intramural softball game in which two residential advisors coach teams of freshmen residents who are into that kind of thing. There’s an impressive pool of students this year, and only four or five of them had to be brutally pressured, begged, or threatened with conduct referrals by their R.A. to participate.

THE COACHES 4th Floor—Bryan In his second year as an R.A., Bryan has done some impressive work establishing himself as just another one of the guys who’s “just here to make sure everyone has a good time.” He made his first major impact when he made Pokémon-themed nametags to put outside of every student’s room. A first-time softball coach, he’s looking to put a team together than can “have fun out there because that’s what matters!”

2nd Floor—Tara A fifth year senior whose been the 2nd floor R.A. for four years now, Tara has won this game two years running and doesn’t intend to lost in her final year as coach. Known for her stern but fair leadership style, Tara has led the residence hall in write-ups and conduct referrals during each year as resident advisor.

1st Pick, 2nd Floor: Danny Y. Key Attributes: Dedication, aggression, owns 8 pairs of Oakleys

With the first pick of the draft Tara goes with Danny from the third floor. Danny’s made a name for himself in Reynolds Hall for calling every foul during pick-up basketball games, demanding that volleyball games be played to Olympic regulations, and getting into fights at Little League baseball games.

2nd Pick, 4th Floor: Ben C. Key Attribute: Glove ownership

We caught up with him after the exciting news, and almost speechless, all he had to say was: “I just thought this was a line for free pizza.” It’ll be exciting to see the impact he makes on the field! “Does this mean there’s no pizza?” said Darryl, ready to take on the challenge!

6th Pick, 4th Floor: Regina R. Key Attribute: Jesus Christ, our lord and savior “I really want to thank God for this, I couldn’t have done it without Him,” Regina said upon making it down the stairs and into the dorm lobby where the draft took place. When learning of her selection as the 6th overall pick, she clutched her Bible and said, “I’m going to be looking to Him when we send those godless 2nd floor sinners off the field in tears. Amen.”

7th Pick, 2nd Floor: Randy C. Key Attributes: Motivated, team player Hysterically laughing after being drafted by Tara with the 7th pick, Randy pointed in his friend Wilson’s “stupid fucking face” and bragged about how he only joined this intramural game to piss off Wilson, who genuinely really loves playing softball.

8th Pick, 4th Floor: Wilson Key Attributes: Currently pissed off “Goddammit,” Wilson said as he walked to the 4th floor team side of the room just moments after his friend Randy was chosen before him. “All I wanted to do was play softball and not have to hear Randy talk about how pointless it is.”

9th Pick, 2nd Floor: Brianna O. Key Attributes: 383 Instagram followers

“Ben was an easy choice,” said 4th floor coach Bryan, “he’s the only person I know who owns a baseball glove.” Ben, a 4th floor native, has long owned that raggedy glove that got him drafted this early on.

It’ll be interesting to see how Tara’s authoritarian leadership style meshes with Brianna’s only admitted interest towards this game to be “for the Instagram opportunities.” When we caught up with her, Brianna asked reporters, “Do you think the uniforms will work with Valencia?”

“I only brought that glove to school so my dad would think I’m into sports,” said Ben.

10th Pick, 4th Floor: Susie Q. Key Attributes: A dog named ‘Plaid’

3rd Pick, 2nd Floor: Brock D. Key Attributes: Unused cleats, claims to “know the other football players”

Fourth floor coach Bryan goes with the oddly quirky and eccentric, yet somehow charming Susie Q., who’s real name is Debbie but she thinks it just fails to “capture her spirit.” In order to draft Susie, Bryan had to agree to allow her to create her uniform out of old thrift store bits and used newspaper.

“Yeah I thought I’d go ahead and play in this little game even though I am on the football team,” said Brock who joined the football team as a walk-on last fall and has yet to be assigned a jersey or a number. “I’ll try to take it easy on them, you know, because I’m on the football team—and yes I really am ON the team, Brad,” said the guy whose primary position on the football team so far has been to keep the locker room clean.

4th Pick, 4th Floor: Frank L. Key Attributes: “Everything” -Frank Frank is constantly going on about how good he is at softball ever since he learned about this game. Frank is a multitalented prospect, as just last week he was telling everyone that he’s an “amazing singer” who can sing in 3 octaves, and a week before that insisting that he’s fluent in French but refused to do so because he “doesn’t have anything to prove to you.”

11th Pick, 2nd Floor: Blake C. Key Attribute: Connections with every club on campus With the second pick of the second round, Tara made the tough call to select Blake C., who’ll have to fit the game into his busy schedule alongside Student Government Association, Pre-Law Club, Campus Thespians, Alphi Phi Omega, and set aside his quest to capture Joseph Kony as president of The Invisible Children.

12th Pick, 4th Floor: Eric T. Key Attribute: Desperation

5th Pick, 2nd Floor: Darryl E. Key Attribute: Hunger to win

A risky pick here by Bryan, going with the loner from the first floor, Eric T, who was ecstatic after being selected with the 12 pick overall. “Eric’s a good kid,” Bryan said, “just a little shy. I think this’ll be a great chance for him to make some new friends.” Tara was equally excited about the pick saying, “Thank god, that kid’s a loser.”

What a day for Darryl, being taken this early on in the draft.

13th Pick, 2nd Floor: Joanna F.

Key Attributes: Loves softball!

Tara grabs a steal here as everyone knows that Joanna loves the game of softball. Interestingly enough, that’s all anyone knows about Joanna as she never talks about anything else and wears her high school uniform almost everywhere she goes. When asked about her feelings regarding the upcoming game, Joanna simply replied, “Softball!”

14th Pick, 4th Floor: Trevor R. Key Attribute: “Obvious leader” “I think I’m an ideal pick and the obvious leader of this team,” said Trevor after having thirteen other freshmen drafted ahead of him. “Me and my team—we’re gonna work hard, play hard, and most of all have fun—that’s what it’s all about.”

15th Pick, 2nd Floor: Ayesha Q. Key Attribute: New shoes “Listen, I just need a reason to wear these tennis shoes I bought a few months ago,” Ayesha said after being selected near the end of the draft. By joining this team, she hopes to finally get some use out of the $139 Nikes she bought in August because she was going to “train for a marathon.”

The shoes have yet to been taken out of the box.

16th Pick, 4th Floor: Karen from work Key Attribute: “Just here to have fun” Karen from your work told you this sounded like “a lot of fun,” so she’s here.

17th Pick, 2nd Floor: Craig A. Key Attribute: Team player, hidden traumas waiting to be mined “Cool!” said Craig upon being drafted, completely content with his team and whatever position he’ll be playing. Craig is an immensely friendly, outgoing guy with a 4.0 GPA, comes from a very tight-knit family, and is more than likely hiding something very, very dark from the rest of the world. “This’ll be fun,” said Craig.

18th Pick, 4th Floor: John Key Attribute: N/A John is okay. He’s not stupid but also not very smart. He’s not particularly funny, good-looking, athletic, or popular, but he’s not the worst. He’s a communication major, or something like that.

Danny Y. and his Oakleys were a lock as the first pick since last summer.

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Can you identify them? If so, email us at cartoons@theblacksheeponline and win a prize!

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