Illinois State - Issue 6 - 10/31/2013

The Black Sheep

peo free ple ...li bur ke t nin he s g b mel iod l o egr f st ada upi ble d lea ves .

Vol. 5, Issue 6

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

10/31/13 - 11/13/13

Illinois state university CLOSES DOORS,

VOIDS ALL DIPLOMAS BY: Sevin Ketze

This past Tuesday, students and faculty awoke to an Emergency Alert text unlike any they had seen before. Instead of the usual professionally-written warning, it contained only the phrase “fuck off, gtfo, you’re done, all of you.” Students immediately took to Twitter to talk and laugh about the prank, but when they left their rooms to go to class, they learned that this was no prank at all.

“You all think you’re so fucking smart, don’t you,” said a visibly intoxicated President Flanagan in a video posted to ISU’s home page. “Well, who’s the smart....who’s the smart now, huh? Les’ see how smart you are now, you smart guys. Les’ see.”

A woman could be heard off camera trying to calm the president down, but he waved her away.

“You’re all, all of you are the worst little shits ever.

Every day it’s the complaints, nobody ever says ‘good job, Tim, you’re best...best president.’ You wear asshole clothes and the phones, always with the phones!” He sat motionless for nearly a minute before tucking his genitals back inside of his robe and continuing. “Les’ see how you guys, how far you go in life with no diploma and like...forever dollars in debt.”

Student Government held an emergency meeting following the announcement, but after a review of the school’s constitution and bylaws they found their hands were tied. “Everything’s crossed out, basically,” said President of the Assembly Kart Dustbustman. “In pen, too. So, I mean, that’s it. There are no rules anymore, as far as the paperwork is concerned ISU doesn’t even exist as a school.

Plus, since the records have all burned up along with the rest of north campus, there’s no record that it ever existed at all. We tried forming an adhoc committee to investigate the possibility that we were all dreaming this whole time, or maybe in purgatory or something, but in light of today’s

events none of us have the power to form such a committee. I’m not pleased with President Flanagan at the moment, I admit, but that man is a legislative wizard.”

“Get the hell off my campus,” barked Flanagan as he stopped pulling copper wire out of the walls of Stevenson to point a gun at this reporter. “You’re not getting a goddamn cent of the Four Founders’ lost treasure, not a single goddamn cent— not that it’s anything but a myth, though. Only a myth.

Now get the fuck out of my sight before I sic my dogs on you.” The way he fingered the ivory war horn on his belt showed he wasn’t kidding, so our staff unfortunately was unable to obtain any more comments.

Students had mixed reactions to the closure of the school and voiding of each and every diploma earned over the past 156 years.

“Personally, I think it’s great,” commented former senior Mert Hobbner-Glorg, “now I can stop wasting my time and focus on my DJing career, which is totally about to take off.”

Other students were seen rioting and looting, but it remains unclear whether this was because of their displeasure with the announcement or because rioting is totally fun and awesome.

page 4

Top 10: Reasons Playing Pokemon is Better than BJ’s because your girlfriend can’t use Hydro Pump.

The faculty, however, were nearly all displeased, save for a lucky few who found sacks of gold inexplicably hidden around campus. “This is fucking lame.” bellowed Academic Senate speaker Dr. Coop Shallot to open his 45 minute speech. “Now we all have to get jobs where any asshole can just fire us for any reason. Incompetence, not showing up, personal hygiene shit, ANYTHING. And we’ve

got only our WOOOOONDERFUL president to blame. Thanks a lot, Obama.”

The Black Sheep would like to take this moment to clarify that we are indeed hiring, but we do not consider any applicants without a valid four-year degree.

page 6

page 7

Inside the End of the World

United States Holds Garage Sale

Terrorists are blowing up the moon, and we talk to Craig Robinson about it.

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com

Obama wants you to buy all of his old shit... you know michelle is making him.

>> campus & Editorial manager Tim Mackey Advertising Manager Alexander Leventis Writers Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze, Mike Atkins , Jeremy Ber, Jeremy Meyers, Dylan Rieger photographer Jimmy Kelley distribution manager Dan Quintero Social media manager Megan Scott Promotions manager Amanda Weichselbaum

Meet the Staff << Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

pr/Marketing TEAM Adam Bleck, Tommy Pasini, Rebecca Swanson-Guerra, Mackenzie Hoon, Jimmy Kelley, Megan Scott campus director Quinn Myers owner Atish Doshi

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

Founders Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Follow us! @blacksheep_ISU • theblacksheeponline.com

Find Great Specials All Week at D’Agostinos!

FOOTBALL GAME SPECIALS SUNDAY AND MONDAY

Dine- In Special: $12 1/2 priced large thin crust XL thin crust $20 one topping pizza one topping pizza - dine in only! large thin crust one topping pizza

with 6 wings or mozzarella sticks and a 2L

2 FOR TUESDAYS AND THURSDAY! TUESDAY:

Two FREE Toppings on any Thin Crust Pizza ALL DAY!

THURSDAY:

Two FREE Toppings on any Pan or Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Call us today: 309-665-DAGS • www.dagsdelivers.com

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_ISU

#goodtimes

Did you find that Halloween surprise I left in your mailbox?

It’s gooier inside than you are.

Seriously?

DON’T MESS AROUND WITH

Word

Tweet Us @BlackSHeep_ISU

Miraculush A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level.

“The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”

of the

Week Guess

The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_ISU First right answer wins a prize!

#BADTIMESMAN Tweet us your creepiest, most hilarious, most perverted, most raunchy (or all of the above) pick-up lines to @BlackSheep_ISU #BadTimesMan

If yours proves to be the weirdest, you’ll win a prize and be featured in next week’s issue!

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved.

Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_ISU and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain.

The

Top

Ten

Reasons pllaying Pokémon is better than Blowjobs By: Mitch Vaginapun

If you weren’t already aware, the newest Pokémon game came out on October 12th. If you were aware, then why the hell are you reading this instead of playing Pokémon? Seriously. It’s the best thing ever. How good, you ask? Better than getting your bojangles tongue-dangled, that’s how good. We know this is getting pretty deep, but you’re going to have to try swallowing it if you don’t want to choke—here’s 10 of the sweetest reasons Pokémon is better than dong kissing.

10.) You can buy it to make yourself feel better: Consumerism is a great mood raiser, especially when you’re buying a small box that makes fun lights and sounds when you poke it. Unfortunately, buying sexual pleasure has the opposite effect on your self-esteem, no matter how many times you do it.

Some guy shows up to a

Women’s Basketball Game By: Isaac Dreidelschleitze The Redbirds’ women’s basketball team lined up during the national anthem and stared up at the flag. An echo carried through Redbird Arena as an empty seating area could be seen from the court.

Once the song was over, the centers lined up and got ready for tip off. Just as the ball left the referee’s hand, a door swung open on the east side of the arena. The ball hit the floor, and both teams stared up, startled at the noise.

A student approached the edge of the concourse and looked down at the now silent basketball court.

“Oh, sorry. I thought this was men’s basketball.” And with that, he left the building. The basketball game continued, but the real story was outside of Redbird Arena, where a media frenzy swarmed the student.

“Sir! Sir! What is your name?” the reporters followed the student back to his car.

“It’s Simon. What…what is this all about?” Simon turned around and faced the reporters.

“Simon, how does it feel to be the first ISU student in 10 years to willingly go to a women’s basketball game?”

“How does it feel? I…I didn’t even…I guess it feels pretty great!” Simon looked up towards the sky.

“I did it! To be honest, though, I was just walking

by Redbird Arena and thought there might be something going on there.”

After the mayhem, the reporters returned to the basketball game, which was in its remaining minutes of the first half. ISU was leading Bradley 23 to 12 when the buzzer rang. A reporter approached the coach. “How do you think this will affect the team?”

“Well, we’re playing well, the other team is strong but we’re stronger. We’ll make some adjustments second half, but overall I think it’s—“ The reporter interrupted him.

04

“Sorry, I should have been more specific. How do you think the record attendance will affect the team?” The reporter thrust the mic closer to the coach to make sure he got every word.

“Well, I um…I think it can only mean good things. I mean, we’ve tried everything to get people in here, but no one comes. Some of the players have gotten used to no one being here. We even played a game wearing nothing but headbands, and still no one noticed. What do we have to do to get people to come to these games!?!” The coach, whose voice was strained from screaming, made her way back into the locker room in lingerie and bunny ears with her head hung low.

One of the players had this to say after the game: “We just play to have fun. It would be really distracting having a crowd,” a statement with which other players seemed to agree.

The Vidette ran an article the very next day in which the headline read: “Confused Student goes to Redbird Arena” with the subtitle “Women’s Basketball Team enthusiastic.” However, even with this publicity we can’t expect many more students to follow, since all active readers of the Vidette are already present at ISU Women’s Basketball.

We reached out to Simon to see if he had plans of attending future games, now that he is the face of ISU women’s basketball, to which he responded “Wait, they play more than one game? I thought that was just like, a PE class — no one was scoring, and I’m pretty sure it was just saw a herd of twelve people chasing after a basketball.”

While it doesn’t look like the team will be breaking the new attendance record any time soon, we can be sure ISU does in fact have a women’s basketball team, and maybe even a women’s football team (we’re looking into it).

9.) Competition is encouraged: The last time we tried getting a building full of people to compete over oral sex, we left with broken ribs and dry dicks. The last time we tried getting a building full of people to compete over Pokémon, we left with a shiny piece of metal that screamed, “I’M BETTER THAN YOU.” 8.) Belly rubs are an acceptable form of praise: Nothing says, “Good job battling that beast,” than a good rub on the belly, which is not only possible but encouraged because of the 3DS’s touch screen.

While humans are touch-compatible too, the gesture isn’t equally appreciated.

7.) You can brag about it to 12 year olds and not get arrested: Children are smug little dicks. Nothing feels better than knocking them down a peg or two by screaming things through the playground fence during their recess. While the kids will be equally jealous and defeated by your catching a Mew by using HM04 on a truck or playing a skin flute duet, the police will be a lot less understanding when you yell about one of them to children.

6.) It takes a lot longer to chafe and cramp: Don’t get us wrong, when you play a videogame as frequently as you play Pokémon, it’ll be sad times for your body. But it’ll take three days of non–stop Pokémon action to do real bodily harm as opposed to a mere 20 minutes of teeth grating.

5.) Pokémon is still fun if you do it by yourself: You can play Pokémon all by yourself and it’s just as fun a playing with your friends! It also doesn’t require you to be incredibly flexible and end with a bad taste in your mouth.

4.) You’re rewarded for catching them all: Last time we caught something outside of Pokémon, it cost us a $50 bottle of ointment and three weeks of itching. Your internal perfectionist can get a sweet reward for catching them all in Pokémon while you keep your external genitalia free from all catchable creatures.

3.) You can’t catch a Charizard in blowjobs: Charizard is awesome. You get all the blowjobs in the world and never find something as fulfilling as your relationship with Charizard.

2.) When you’re done, you can just fold it in half and shove it into a backpack: If we had a dollar for every time we thought about making a girl become half her size and easily carrying her around after getting a blowjob, we’d be have half our bail for the time we tried to do it.

1.) You can get blowjobs while you play Pokémon, but you can’t get blowjobs while getting blowjobs: What’s the thing you’re always thinking when you’re getting a blowjob? If you didn’t answer, “Man, I wish I could somehow could also be getting a blowjob during this blowjob,” there’s either something wrong with you or you’re into Aliens on a much deeper level than anyone should be. When you’re playing Pokémon, your dick is free for blowjobs, allowing you a level of enjoyment not obtained since sliced bread was first enjoyed while receiving a blowjob.

Around campus send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could be in any movie scene ever, what scene would it be and who would you replace? r Ellen, Senio

“In Detroit Rock City where they put ‘shrooms on the priest’s pizza and he thinks Satan and Santa are the same person. Reason being that it’s hilarious.”

r Kevin, Senio

“The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets. I want to be Neo.”

nior Stephen, Se

“Keanu Reeves in the last scene in the original Matrix movie.

Anyone watching the movie would have absolutely no idea what had just happened and I would enjoy reading the reviews.”

05

Follow us on twitter @BlackSHeep_ISU

Inside the

end of the world By: Scoop Chang We’ve all heard it before: “The end is nigh, repent!” “Prepare for judgment day” “I heard we’re all gonna die, wanna bone?”That’s right Illinois State compatriots, it’s finally here, and if you wanted to see what your friends, family, and low-level celebrities thought of the news, then you came to the right place.

With the recent news that terrorists have moved on from targeting low profile buildings like Schroeder Hall to the high profile moon, everyone is frightened for their lives and preparing for the end. We all remember the launch of the missiles a few weeks back, but after President Obama’s speech last Tuesday our worries were put at ease: “I’m pretty sure they can’t make it through the atmosphere, but what do I know? I went to law school and we fired NASA. We don’t really have anyone working on it, but I’m pretty sure… it’ll probably be fine.”

This was before the missiles broke through Earth’s flimsy atmosphere and started hurtling towards the moon with speed the can only be described as “like the Flash on crack”.

But what do the students of ISU think of this tragedy? Most are back home, crying into their favorite stuffed animals like lost children at Sears, but a few lingerers remain. Astronomy club member and avid moon enthusiast Kelly Fergusson had this to say, “You know, it’s fine that I’m going to die a virgin, it’s fine that everyone’s going to die, but why do they have to attack the moon? The moon never hurt anyone! He didn’t even try. I looked at moonski — that was the nickname I gave him — every night! He was my friend, he was more than a friend, and those damn, dirty terrorists have to blow him out of the sky…”

That was all we could make out before Kelly fell to the ground, huddled over in the fetal position, and became drenched in a pool of her own tears.

Though most have heeded the advice of politicians, scientists, and hilarious radio show duos, some are skeptical that this is really the end. We talked to ISU Professor of Crop and Soil Science, Lance Undergorn, who is still having classes, giving tests, and keeping regular office hours. “It’s not that I’m skeptical or that I don’t think the world is going to end; I just don’t see why a little thing like the apocalypse should keep our students from learning. The fact that they’ve all stopped their education shows their lack of commitment and perspicacity. I’ve resolved to deliver letters to their homes letting them know of my displeasure in their actions. Maybe that will smarten them up.” We attempted to inform Professor Undergorn that he was clearly senile and perhaps had a little dementia, but he responded by assigning us a theme on what we wanted for

Christmas. Readers, rest assured once we get that Red Rider BB Gun, we will commit the doddering old man.

The Black Sheep, not satisfied with these responses, contacted famous ISU alumnus Craig Robinson. After blackmailing/killing some of his PR people we were able to get his daytime phone number. When asked what he would do in this situation if he had a real Hot Tub Time Machine, the movie star replied “Hi, you’ve reached the voicemail box of… Craig… please leave a message.” What a character! If only we weren’t destined for a fiery death a few days from now, we bet Craig would be our new best friend.

But rest assured that The Black Sheep isn’t dead yet! Get ready for next issue “The Black Sheep in Hell” which will include our candid interview with Satan himself! We don’t want to spoil too much, but when he asks us to leave a message after the tone, we leave it hard.

looking for an internship?

Marketing, Ad Sales, Writing, and more!

Get experience doing something you love!

Apply online today! theblacksheeponline.com

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

United States has Garage Sale “Buy our crap,” says Obama By: Chong Lighter Meyers

Once again the United States has avoided complete chaos and anarchy by signing into effect a plan to raise the debt ceiling. But with only a few months until we reach the ceiling again, how will the president and Congress raise enough money to help relieve the national debt and boost our economy?

There have been many options so far, including globally selling pot and minting a trillion dollar coin, but none of these plans have been even remotely as successful as what the government plans to do over the next few weekends.

From 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday November 2nd: A United States Garage Sale. Both the House and Senate agree that there’s just too much shit lying around collecting dust in storage facilities around the nation. Here are just a few of the items that are going to be up for sale: One partially used Arch of the Covenant, two hundred ET Super Nintendo cartridges, over 30 models of tanks, John Boehner’s “legendary” box of pornography, nine autographed Obama basketball cards from college, a connect the dots book partially completed by President George W. Bush, and three plungers used by James Garfield.

There will also be a special pre-sale for the 1% of Americans who actually have money to spend on November 2nd, where these big spenders will have first dibs on special items, such as a recovered spacecraft from Roswell (one of three), a signed copy of The Louisiana Purchase, one of Bill Clinton’s saxophones, Davy Crocket’s hat, the title to Detroit, and a complete replica of the space station bathrooms.

But what could possibly be better than a national garage sale? Raffle drawings will be carried throughout various weekends where you can buy a one thousand dollar ticket for your chances to

win any of the following: Hilary Clinton’s golf clubs, Sarah Palin’s wolf-killing helicopter, Dick Cheney’s shotgun, John F. Kennedy’s (somewhat sticky) copy of the Marilyn Monroe Playboy, and much more.

There will also be a million dollar ticket drawing, in which prizes include: your name on the Statue of Liberty, your face on Mt. Rushmore, your very own Oregon, six tickets to watch the Super Bowl from the Moon, President Andrew “Stoned Wall” Jackson’s private bong collection, and a chance to star in the next Star Wars movie. Those who make purchases of one thousand dollars will also receive a free five hundred dollar deficit bond with a framed, autographed picture of Oprah. There will also be a children’s carnival behind the White House next to the Federal Beer Garden.

All purchases will be final, with the exception of nuclear-based arms, which can be returned in thirty days if the product has a factory default. Joe Biden will also have a lemonade stand set up at the front gates, where you can choose from a selection of powdered pink and regular Country Time Lemonade.

Congress has set a goal of raising thirty gillion dollars, but will settle for one trillion. If the goal is not reached, Congress plans to put up more signs in hopes that more people will show up for the great deals before the holiday season. President Barack Obama has made the comment that “Finally, millions of Americans can help get their country out of debt by giving money for their beloved politicians’ old crap. Of course, all the proceeds will be going to things we said we would provide with taxes.”

The official start date of this sale will be released on the ObamaCare website, once it works.

!

15 0 2 4 1 0 2 or f g in nt e R w o N

contact us today ty.com 54.2960 // ClassActReal 309. 4

a way Fell // 505 S Fell // 12 flor N 6 30 // ll fe n 6 20 // ry HOvey // 102 East Cher ut // 610 W Hovey // 912 W ln wa S 1 30 // st cu Lo W 2 adelaide // 10 n // 320 e vernon // 700 N de lin le s 8 80 // ll de Lin 4 30 s // 205 E. Phoenix // 710 Da me ho wn 402 kingsley // to y wa a or fl // ol // 118 W Locust 204 N Linden // 502 N Scho

le! b a il va a l il t s ts n e m t r a student ap

mention the black sheep and get $50 off your deposit!

Lunker’s

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: $1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

SUNDAY - WEDNESDAY $2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN NIGHT AT FAT JACK’S! $2 WELLS & BOTTLES PRIZES ALL NIGHT!

WED: Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka

College Night w/ DJ at 10pm No Cover! $0.75 Wells, $1.50 Double Wells, $2 Bombs, Bud Light Bottles, Long Islands

$2 Domestic Bottles $2 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family Draft $2.50 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Family Pitchers

"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover $3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands

$2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands

$2.75 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz import or craft draft beer

SUNDAY

$2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

All $2.75 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.25 Miller Family Bottles $2 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Beams, SoCo & Seagram 7

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags Bag Tourney Every Monday

$2.75 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

$2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, Free Juke and Bags Kyle Yap and Friends LIVE Acoustic at 10pm

$2.75 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life

$1 Domestic Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

Drifter’s Country Night w/ DJ and Karaoke $1 Cans, $2 Tall Doubles and Bombs, $3 Call Its including Top Shelf

$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

WEDNESDAY

$3.99 BURGER BASKETS • $6.99 1/2 SANDWICH AND SOUP $5 SLICE PIZZA AND BUD FAMILY PINT $3.50 SHOCK TOP PUMPKIN WHEAT $4 BUD FAMILY DOMESTIC PITCHERS $3 IMPORT BOTTLES • $1.75 BUD FAMILY PINTS 138 E. Beaufort St. Suite B,• Normal, IL • /Uptown138 NowTheyDeliver.Com • (309) 808-0738

The Bar Grid

$2.50 138 Shots, $3 Import Bottles $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs $10 Domestic Buckets

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

$2.50 Coronas/Dos Equis, $5 Long Islands, $2.50 138 Shot, $3 Import bottles and Whiskey Mixers, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages

FRIDAY

$2.50 Well Drinks

SATURDAY

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$6 32oz Long Islands

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 138 Shots, $2.50 Coronas, $3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

$3 Bloody Marys, Import Bottles, Mimosas, and Calls $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs, $10 Domestic Buckets

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Import Bottles, $3.50 Calls, $4 Domestic Pitchers, $4 Car Bombs, $8 312 Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

WED.

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

TUESDAY

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SUNDAY

EVERYDAY: $4 Bud Family Domestic Pitchers, $3 Import Bottles, $1.75 Bud Family Pints $3.50 Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat

THURSDAY

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

MONDAY: $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

FRIDAY: $3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

SPECIAL NIGHT

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

$7 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$1 Tacos (Hard or Soft Shell),

$2.50 Coronas, $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Import Bottles & Calls, $4 Car Bombs and Domestic Pitchers, $10 Domestic Buckets $4.99 BBQ Pulled Pork Baskets, $2 Vegas Bombs, Domestic Bottles and Wells, $3 Import Bottles, $4 Domestic Pitchers and Car Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs, $5 Long Islands

download our free iphone and android app

Time Crisis Twenty-Five/Seven By: Carlos D. Danger

Have you ever thought to yourself that there just aren’t enough hours in the day? Well you’re wrong! “But The Black Sheep!” you say, “Between classes, working at the front desk at the Bone Center, and being lead chaser for the Quidditch team, I’m barely getting four hours of sleep a night!” Let us stop you right there. Four hours of sleep every night? If we wanted to spend a whole day resting every week we would have joined a church. We’ve got enough going on that we can’t afford to give our time to any deity, which leads us to our first point:

Sleep is for the Weak:

If you’re as busy winning underground martial arts tournaments and fending off busty European supermodels as we are, you simply can’t afford a moment’s inattention. Whether you’re struggling with a gang of ninjas or a pop bio-quiz there’s no shortage of enemies waiting to capitalize on your slightest lapse. If you’ve already spent years studying ancient martial arts to train your body to function without sleep, then you should be set. If you haven’t, Red Bull should suffice. Start slowly though, too much caffeine can become a whole new problem, which brings us to our next point…

Know Your Limits:

Remember, just because we no longer need to sleep doesn’t mean you don’t. The human body just isn’t made for that kind of thing. Sooner or later you’ll run head first into wall and reach the point where you just can’t stay up any longer.

We’ve found that most people can remain passably functional for exactly 24 hours. If you truly need to push past that 24-hour threshold, you’re going to need something stronger – like meth.

Now, we can’t officially recommend that you do

General Repair Transmission Custom Exhaust

www.midstatetransmission.net www.facebook.com/midstatetransmission

GO FOR THE PROS! 1408 Fort Jesse Road | Normal, Illinois 61761 | (309) 452-5595

meth to help study for class, but we can say this: meth is one hell of a drug.

Don’t Wing it:

Your body will eventually notice the incongruity between its desire for rest and the metric crap-ton of stimulants you just shoveled into it. This often leads to a numb floating sensation, an inability to concentrate, and IBS. There’s nothing worse than showing up for a test unprepared and so tired that you’re fairly certain that the integral of sin(x) is a metaphor for the meaning of life. It is, but that isn’t what your teacher is looking for. You need to show up to the test so jacked up you handwrite your entire essay in caps, burn holes through the Scantron bubbles because you scribble so hard, and refuse to waste time “blinking” for the duration of the test.

Recipe for Disaster:

Before you take that sweet, unforgettable first hit of meth however, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Is this what you wanted for yourself?

How did you fall so fast? It was only this morning that you were eating breakfast in Watterson, grimly determined to take down that in-class essay and now look at you; you’re pulling a Jesse Pinkman in the bathroom of the Bone Center and class started ten minutes ago. You’re a wreck, kid.

Pull yourself together. You look awful; maybe you should try and get some sleep.

What we’re saying is Meth: Try it once. Just once though. Or maybe twice if you really need to squeeze some extra hours into your week, but after that, you’ll be done. All done with that wonderful, cheap, and quick little boost of energy that helps you study while tasting rainbows.

N O W HIRIN W RITING | MARK

ETING | PROMO

APPLY ONLINE AT

G !

TIONS |

SALES

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Jack ‘n Coke Favorite Shot: Tennessee peach Disgusting Drink: Bar mat shot A child’s laughter makes you…: Smile.

What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: Labyrinth.

How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: I would cover them in different colors of paint and leave them randomly downtown.

What is nature’s sexiest animal?: The cheetah.

Eric of Pub II Drinking Game

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: Baseball trading cards.

If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Happy banana.

What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: For $10 I went to every table at lunch and did the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers pose.

If it wasn’t you, then who was it?: John Hanson.

Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because 1 page of The Black Sheep equals 1 week of The Vidette.

Recipe for disaster

Pigskins and Puke

Day of the Dead Deep Fry

With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light.

Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies.

Even if your trick-or-treating days are over, you’re still bound to stock up on candy on Halloween.

After a few days of gorging on the sweet stuff, even the comfort of a Snickers bar becomes mediocre. Here’s a way to add a unique crunch to your Halloween candy.

What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh).

Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders.

Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze.

What You’ll Need: A variety of fun-size candy bars, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk, 1 tablespoon of canola oil, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon baking powder, and 4 cups of bubbling oil for deep fried goodness.

Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Your time at the gym this semester will be wasted on just one of these.

How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side.

- Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game.

- Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school.

- One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points.

- After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts.

They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point.

- The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer.

- Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table.

Let’s Get Baked: - Freeze your candy bars for a few hours.

- Combine the egg, milk and canola oil in a bowl.

- In another bowl, combine flour and baking powder.

- Pour the wet ingredients into the dry and whisk.

Cover and refrigerate for a few minutes.

- Heat the 4 cups of oil to 375 degrees in a deep, heavy pot.

- Dip the frozen candy bars into the batter then carefully place into the oil.

- Cook until golden brown, drain on paper towels and let cool a little bit before stuffing your face.

The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.

download our free app for all the games!

Don’t just stop at candy either. Try Oreos, Twinkies, steaks, leftover pizza. Anything you have.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014

it

Yo H h e er a u e rd

fi rs t!

TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever.

And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio.

Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics?

By :B & r qu e n in d n an

We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a wellequipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game.

But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.

The Black Sheep predicts the

The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen.

And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again.

While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s postfight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done.

Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this.

The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.

2014 NCAA All Americans:

First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)

Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)

guess the logo

Do you know the brands that all these labels represent? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!

Famous Daves ACROSS 3) Glam rock icon.

4) A book by Charles Dickens, also a sweet magician.

5) Guitarist for Jane’s Addiction and Chili Peppers.

6) Posh Spice’s husband 8) Late-night legend 9) The real person behind Tyrone Biggums 12) Popular techno DJ, who’s real name is Pierre.

13) Founder of Foo Fighters, two words.

14) The Dave in Lady Antebellum 17) He was Under The Table and Dreaming in 1994, two words.

18) David Sedaris’ essay, The what Diaries?

Down 1) Author of Infinite Jest, two words.

2) David is the less famous brother of which famous Franco?

4) This Dave was Uncle Joey on Full House 7) Dave Mustaine is the lead singer behind which heavy metal band?

10) This U2 memeber’s real name is David Howell Evans.

11) This David’s TV show is Curb Your what?

15) Dave Thomas founded which fast-food chain?

16) 70s teen heartthrob

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE

MISSING OUT.

@BLACKSHEEP_ISU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:

FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99

crossword

m.a.s.h.

LET US PREdict

Now leasiNg for JuNe 2014!

your future Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman

Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan

Pulls a Prank by…

- Making out with the bride.

- Putting ecstasy in the punch.

- Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor.

- Throwing the cake out of the window.

With a Side of…

- Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax

Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher Highlight of her speech is…

- Your threesome with a hooker.

- Getting tattoos last night.

- Doing coke with Bill Clinton.

- Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.

Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe

my place THe BesT iN sTuDeNT liViNg

Performing your first dance…

- “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”

How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future.

Yeah, you remember this from elementary school don’t pretend like you don’t.

oNliNe leasiNg | fasT & frieNDly MaiNTeNaNce PriVaTe BeDrooMs & BaTHrooMs | iNDiViDual leases rooMMaTe MaTcHiNg | wasHer & Dryer iN aParTMeNT

TheeDGeONhOVeY.cOm

800 West hovey Avenue, Suite 100 Normal, IL 61761

309.454.5599

At the Corner of Main and Hovey

TheEdge_5x11.25_Order978.indd 1

8/15/13 10:36 AM