Illinois State - Issue 8 - 5/1/2014

A THE W ESENITS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E H I I S S U E L L L P E E H S BLACK

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE

Volume 6, Issue 8 • 5/1/2014 • @BlackSheep_ISU

T H E

I

>>

Meet the Staff <<

CAMPUS & EDITORIAL MANAGER Tim Mackey

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Nicole Thompson

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Tim Mackey, Michael Agombar Jeremy Ber, Dylan Rieger, Ryan Tarpey Hannah Krajewski, Nikki Monroe

FOUNDERS Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

PHOTOGRAPHER Tim Mackey, Helen Hoang DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Tim Mackey PROMOTIONS MANAGER Helen Hoang

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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WORD, MAN TOMBSTONED The napping aftereffect of smoking entirely too much weed. Like, a lot.

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CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

SUMMER JOBS IN BLO-NO SCOOP CHANG WROTE THIS

Summer is upon us. You’re either moving back in with your parents to try to bone friends from your old high school circle or you’ve got a shiny new internship that will beat the chipper right out of your inexperienced ass. If you were “lucky” enough to get one in Bloomington-Normal you should be kicking yourself that we didn’t write this article sooner.

10.) DP Dough Meat Man: Why does DP Dough taste so goddamn amazing? Fresh meat, of course.

This summer you can be the man who snatches up all the different animals they use to spice up your favorite calzones. Centaurs, Minotaurs, and even the wily mountain otter need to be caught, killed and fried to make those sweet, sweet ‘zones.

WHY I WAS LATE TO MY FINAL JENNIFER GREEN WROTE THIS It’s hard to be punctual in college for many reasons: finals are boring, you have better things to do, you’re entirely too high to pay attention, whatever. Unfortunately, professors don’t give a shit about any of these excuses. The bottom line is: If you’re gonna be late, and you will be, you need to give good, intricate, yet believable excuses. Let’s get to it, then.

D. P. Dough My God I’m Gonna be Late for My Final: Professor, I woke up early to study for my final and decided to treat myself to a nice, relaxing lunch at D.P. Dough. However, in the middle of chowing down on my delicious calzone, I heard maniacal laughter coming from the kitchen and went to check it out. To my surprise, I saw the cooks laughing over a can of arsenic. They were trying to poison me—I knew it! So, naturally, I had to pull some Bruce Lee shit and whoop their villainous asses before coming to class to take my test like the good student I am. So, sorry, but you know, I like being alive, and all.

Cocomero Shit I’m Running Late: Doc, we’re friends, right? The reason for my delayed arrival to class is quite simple; there I was, enjoying my Cocomero froyo like any normal person, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw two other students, the bad eggs—those kids from Wesleyan, stealing toppings right from the display of treats in the center of the room. Shortly after I noticed, the owner saw. Yelling from behind the counter, he said, “Hey you rotten youths, leave my toppings alone!” Shrieking with laughter, the kids retorted, “Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it old man?” While the kids were busy laughing and high fiving over their awesome comeback skills, the owner pulled out an AK-47 and unloaded it into both of the hoodlums. After that, I had to wait around to give the cops a witness account of what happened. I said the owner was simply acting in self-defense. You don’t mess with a man’s toppings, you just don’t. Anyway, how about you just give me a “C” and we’ll call it a day.

Subway to Be Late: Listen man, I mean, sir. Before heading off to my final, I decided to grab some Subway to cure my hunger and help me focus,

04

9.) Caddy: Blo-No is famous for their golf courses. Not Leonardo Dicaprio famous or Matt Damon famous. More like… Nicole Richie famous or like Will Smith’s kids who aren’t Jaden. You’ll get a workout, a nice tan and you’ll learn all about how Obama is destroying America.

8.) Zamboniman: The Pepsi Ice Center’s motto is “ice as smooth as a freshly Brazilianed crotch region!” which means they have to resurface the ice every few minutes. You can be the one to do it!

7.) AFNI: We’re told “you’re not really a townie until you start working at AFNI.” So if your hopes and dreams are still intact, stay away from this communications giant! But if you like screwing over sad, old people who just want to dispute false charges on their bills, then this magical wonderland can pave the way for your dreams.

because nothing says success like a mediocre deli sandwich. While waiting in line for my food, the DEA swarmed in out of nowhere. Before anyone knew what was going on, one DEA agent swooped behind the counter, dipping a finger in the tuna, then put it in his mouth. “Goddammit, that’s pure!” he screamed out to his fellow agents. “Check the soda machine!” another agent ordered. He put his mouth under the Cherry Coke to taste it, “Son of a bitch, it’s in everything!!” It was only after they finished raiding the place that they told us someone had been putting sweet, sweet cocaine in all of the food. So, the only reason I am late to you final is because someone has been drugging the food in Subway, which, incidentally, is the only reason it’s so delicious. You have a meatball sub I can snort, or something?

6.) Donating Blood: We all have that one friend who’s always telling you how “dope” it is that he can donate plasma for boatloads of cash. It’s a pretty sweet deal, $50 for your first visit. With the help of a false moustache and crude crayoned fake ID we were able to get our friend Jeff to do it until he got really pale and stopped moving.

Sugar Mama Gonna Kill Me When She Finds out I was Late: Buddy, I can call you buddy, right?

Well, buddy, everything was normal; I was sitting in Sugar Mama’s bakery about to head off to take my final, until a group of young men wandered in looking very confused. The woman behind the counter smiled and asked, “Can I help you boys with anything?” Each of the boys shyly glanced at each other before answering, “This is where we find the Sugar Mamas right?” Looking confused, the woman said, “Excuse me?”

2.) Quad Squirrel Breeder: ISU is known for its copious amounts of these furry creatures, but only the best are allowed on campus. After the DP Dough meat man clears out all the uggo squirrels, you get to make the hot ones go at it like it’s their job. Because it’s your job.

Slamming a fist on the counter the lead boy shouted,” We know you have rich old women and we will stop at nothing to get them!” When she finally told the group to leave, the guy who had been talking started flushing red with anger and yelled, “Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!” and eventually morphed into a giant, green monster, taking his anger out on the other bakery patrons, destroying the building in the process. It was, like, out of a movie or something. I was trapped under rubble and debris for at least an hour, therefore making me late to this final.

Give any one of these bomb-ass excuses to your professor and we personally guarantee you’ll be off the hook, no questions asked. Well, maybe, maybe not. It’s not a real guarantee.

5.) Selling Yo Baby Goo: Blood not your thing? The Midwest Sperm Bank in Bloomington will pay $350 for a vial of your sweet love butter. We recommend using something a bit better than a simple moustache to hide your identity, try a Halloween mask. They will be so excited to see that Richard Nixon wants to give up his baby batter in Blo-No that they might pay you extra.

4.) Miller Park Zoo Animal Wrangler: Ever see those poor little animals cramped up in those tiny little cages and wonder “how can I put more in there”? Most animals prefer wide, open spaces so look for the introverted monkeys and bears that just sit in their rooms and smoke weed all day.

3.) Constitution Trail Cleaner: This beautiful path is laden with more garbage than a cartoon whale’s mouth. Finally you can help better the Earth and creepily watch hot joggers at the same time.

1.) Groundskeeper: Since the recent incident in involving our ex-president and certain threats that he made to the gardeners union of Bloomington, there are a ton of openings for grass/hedge cutting specialists. Self-defense classes are highly encouraged, but not mandatory.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS “WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON?” KEVIN, SOPHOMORE

“Swimming!”

SAM, FRESHMAN

“Gluttony and Sleeping.”

Madi, Freshman

“TV Watching!”

FIND YOUR FRIGGIN’ 10-PAGE PAPER!

You woke up late and need to turn your paper in on time, but there’s 10 pages scattered around the room... oh no! Well what are you waiting for, go on and find ‘em!

the quiz

What Celebrity Internship Will You Have This Summer?

1. You usually wake up around… a. 10, just enough time to make the first showing of Rio 2. b. The crack of dawn, I want to sing with the roosters! c. Whenever the fuck I feel like it, you clod!

5. Your favorite song to listen to while at work is… a. “I Hate Everything About You” b. “Dinner and a Movie “ c. “I Will Always Love You”

2. Your morning routine consists of… a. Pouring a nice glass of SHUT THE FUCK UP. b. Cleaning my glasses and warming up some popcorn. c.. A hot cup of tea and some honey cereal to loosen up my throat.

3. When you want to dress up, you usually wear… a. A nice flowing sundress, it really makes me feel comfortable. b. A wife beater. c. A big bow tie and 3D glasses.

6. When you see someone in the hallway you don’t like, you usually say… a. “Are you talkin’ to me?” b. “I will fucking kill you.” c. “Oh, hello…”

4. When you’re at work, you usually think about… a. How great a director Paul Thomas Anderson is. b. What kind of makeup I’m going to wear tonight. c. Strangling young children.

answer key:

7. When you see someone in the hallway you DO like, you usually say… a. “I will fucking kill you.” b. “Hey! I’m glad to see you!” c. “Love means never having to say hello. Wait, that’s not right.”

8. At the end of a long day of work, you love to relax by… a. Watching a great erotic art film while taking notes. b. Cutting down trees with my axe. c. Taking my bra off and walking around the house naked!

8-12 Points: Richard Roeper’s personal assistant: Author, columnist, and film critic for the Chicago Sun-Times. His best friend died last year, so now he just watches movies all day and blogs about it. It’s pretty great, he doesn’t give a shit if he’s fat or not, and he gets paid to watch movies.

Your internship would entail feeding him peanut M&M’s and kissing him goodnight.

13-19 Points: Michelle Williams’ boob sweat wiper: Destiny’s Child singer who is known for her powerful voice and large amounts of boob sweat. She needs someone to help her take care of it. You’d fit right in!

20-24 Points: John Malkovich’s anger management coach: John Malkovich is known to have a lot of anger problems. He’s often seen just randomly yelling at trees or children because they have enraged him in such a way that he must scream it at the top of his lungs. He needs someone just like you to help him calm down when a toy poodle poops on his front yard. It’s not an easy job, but it’s rewarding.

1) A1= B2= C3 • 2) A3= B1= C2 • 3) A2= B3= C1 • 4) A1= B2= C3 • 5) A3= B1= C2 • 6) A1= B2= C2 • 7) A3= B2= C1 • 8) A1= B3= C2

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Lunker’s

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!

SUNDAY - WEDNESDAY $2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

SATURDAY $3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

SATURDAY: KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors, $1.25 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Red Bull n Vodka

College Night w/ DJ at 10pm No Cover! $0.75 Wells, $1.50 Double Wells, $2 Bombs, Bud Light Bottles, Long Islands

$2 Domestic Bottles $2 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family Draft $2.50 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Family Pitchers

"Lady's Night" DJ EVA at 10pm, No Cover $3 16oz Double Vodka Energy and All Double Wells, Bombs, Domestic Bottles $4 Jager Shots, Long Islands

$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.50 Coors Light Bottle $2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

DJ Vamp and Luke on the Drums - No Cover! $3 16oz Tall Double Wells, Bud Family Bottles, All Bombs $4 Jack Daniels, Long Islands

$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

KARAOKE! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

SUNDAY

$2 Bud Family Drafts $2 Well & UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags

All $3 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.25 Miller Family Bottles $2 Bud Family Drafts $2.50 Beams, SoCo & Seagram 7

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, FREE Juke and Bags Bag Tourney Every Monday

$3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

$2 Any Beer, $3 Any Booze, Free Juke and Bags Kyle Yap and Friends LIVE Acoustic at 10pm

$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life

Drifter’s Country Night w/ DJ and Karaoke $1 Cans, $2 Tall Doubles and Bombs, $3 Call Its including Top Shelf

$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs

Karaoke! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB!

TUESDAY WEDNESDAY

Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Imports & Mirco Bottles $2 Wells & UV Flavor $2 20z Bud Family Draft $2 16oz 312, Shocktop, Pacifico Drafts

$1 Domestic Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

The Bar Grid Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

WEDNESDAY: $4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SPECIAL NIGHT

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts

THURSDAY

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages

FRIDAY

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$2.50 Well Drinks

SATURDAY

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

SUNDAY

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

MONDAY

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 Captain Morgan

TUESDAY

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

$7 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

WEDNESDAY

the madlib

Cleaning Out Your Watterson Room

You made it through finals week! You’ve stalled for ten __1__ already and it’s time to get down to __2__. Some kind of __3__ mold has been growing over in that corner and your dirty laundry smells a lot like rotting __4__ pulled out of a horse’s __5__. It’s time to pack up your __6__ Watterson dorm room.

Your mom just used the new app on her __7__ to call you and said she will be at your dorm in the morning after travelling by __8__ to help you move out. __9__! It’s time to start cleaning. Ugh, but your friend __10__ wants to get lunch at Avanti’s. It’s a little __11__ since it’s __12__ in the morning, but you go with it.

Next thing you know, you’re in __13__. Everyone is wearing rainbow-colored __14__ and matching __15__ except you—you’re in your ugly grey __16__ and nothing else.

Even though you thought you already packed it!

You follow the group upstairs and into a room filled with __17__. You’re really uncomfortable because you’re allergic to them, you should probably get out of here.

Everyone grabs a(n) __18__, but you flee empty-handed. With only a couple of hours to spare, you begin packing your semen-covered __19__ DVD collection away before you __20__. And even after all that work, your mom forgot to pick you up the next morning, anyway.

Veronica Silverado wrote this

1) Unit of time you’d use to describe a long poo 2) Your least favorite activity 3) Color of an Oompa Loompa’s genitals 4) Food 5) Body part 6) Pejorative adjective 7) Your favorite appliance 8) Mythical creature 9) Odd thing to yell at a funeral 10) Your least favorite friend

11) Word describing excrement 12) Number of Mouseketeers you can name 13) ISU academic building 14) Article of clothing 15) Sassy accessory 16) Most obscure piece of clothing you own 17) Exotic animal (plural) 18) Same exotic animal 19) 90s TV show 20) Illegal activity

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction.

2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce.

3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one.

4) Music: What 80s rap group struck antiestablishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”?

5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

NICK GOTTSACKER of DRIFTERS

DRINKING GAME You Can’t Take it With You Finals are over. Summer is here. Why is it, then, that you’re anxious? Maybe it’s because nothing is packed up and your parents will be here tomorrow. They’re not going to let you take that half a handle, quarter of a fifth, and half a case of beer in the car with you, so, uh…here goes nothin’.

What You’ll Need: Whatever beer, wine, and liquor you have laying around. Also, your cleaning supplies. You have those, right?

Number of Players: However many roommates you have.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be too nauseous to get lightheaded from the cleaning supplies.

How to Play: -Make a list of all the rooms in your apartment.

-Divide each of these rooms into a sub-list: Floor, walls and ceiling, furniture, appliances and fixtures.

-Draw names. First person drawn gets to choose which room he begins in, etc.

-In each room, each participant is required to clean the entire room.

-Each time he finishes a sub-segment of the room (floor, furniture, etc.) he may assign a 10-second beer chug or a 5-second wine rip to one of the other participants.

-When a participant clears a room, he can assign a shot to another participant.

-When a room is cleaned, move onto the next room.

-If a participant tops off a garbage bag, he must drop off said garbage bag.

-A participant who finishes cleaning a sub-segment of a room may ask the other participants if it is adequately clean. If asked, participants must be honest about the cleanliness of a room.

-If a participant cleans a sub-segment of a room and doesn’t ask for a cleanliness check, then assigns drinks and a room is later dubbed not properly cleaned, the person assigned to that room must match the drinks he assigned.

The Game Ends When: Your apartment is clean…enough to get most of your security deposit back.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion?

7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”?

8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long?

9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist?

10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Nick’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) Hungary 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Google7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Nick’s Score: 8 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Oh Shit, You’re Going to be Late, Better Grab a Banana Dude, you said you were going to get up at like, 7a.m. to study for that finance final. You still had to study chapter 8! Well, there’s no time for that now. Just grab a banana, you need something in your stomach.

What You’ll Need: A banana. Shut up, they’re delicious.

Cook Time: 0 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Bananas have like, 200 good calories, dude.

Let’s Get Baked: - Get out of bed and put on some pants. A shirt? Do you have time for a shirt? Okay, you better put on a shirt.

- Grab a banana from your kitchen. Who cares if it’s your roommate’s banana?

-Start speed walking to class. The best part of bananas? You can eat them while you speed walk.

-Top Tip: Did you know that if you open a banana from the bottom, those gross stringy bits don’t get all over your banana?

-Eat your banana. You can do it!

-Not that fast, dude, you might choke.

-Haha, yeah, they do kinda look like dicks.

Phew, you made it just in time. Don’t throw the peel away, leave it in a doorway, maybe you’ll end up tripping that kid who always asked questions just as the bell rang.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again.

The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on

7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival 9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not.

Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.”

Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts 1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL Ulysses E. Lockwood wrote this

You walk out of Hovey Hall and a warm gust of spring air hits your face. Then, it hits you: Oh god, it’s summer! Sweet, sweet summer! Oh sweet Christ, it’s finally here! Thank god you brought your trusty flask with you—it’s drinkin’ time!

What You’ll Need: Your favorite hard drink in an inconspicuous container, and the balls to celebrate like an 1840s gold miner…minus the whores.

Number of Players: 1 if you want to really feel sad, it’s your fault for not talking in class.

Level of Intoxication: “No, I definitely got an ‘A’ on that final,” you think. “Yeah, there were 12 C’s in a row, for sure!” you think.

How to Play: - Upon exiting your last final of the semester, take the scenic route back to your dwelling.

- Uncap your flask and hold it in a manner suitable for a member of your sex. Heh, sex.

- Keep your eyes open for these specific occurrences, and drink to each accordingly: Drinking to Get a Head Start: - Drink once for every hour you studied.

- Drink once for every hour you spent taking an exam.

- Drink once for every class you took this semester.

- Drink once for every question you think you got wrong.

- Drink once for every fuck you don’t give about your grades.

Drink Once When You See: - A group of girls wearing essentially the same outfit.

- A group of guys wearing matching ISU t-shirts.

- You overhear someone saying “I dont even care anymore.”

- Any day party on Cherry.

- You begin to doubt your test-taking abilities.

- You hear someone say something along the lines of “I didn’t know a single fucking thing on that fucking test… Fuck.”

- One student asking another student about a question on the test, and the other student responding “Who cares? It’s over!”

Drink Twice When You See: - A student walking out of their final looking like they just witnessed a murder.

- Someone in tears of sadness. :’( - Someone in tears of joy! :D - Someone running from campus in fear.

- Someone running with joy! Woo, time to head back to the suburbs!

- You overhear any song you’d expect to hear on Pandora’s “Summer Hits of the 90’s” playlist - Diligently crafted notes now flippantly tossed aside in a Front Street trash can.

- A not-so-subtle study-drug exchange.

Finish Your Drink When: - You witness the long-awaited return of legendary ex-President Timothy Flanagan, along with whatever shenanigans he will undoubtedly bring with.

The Game Ends When: You come to the startling realization that you’re done with finals and that summer has finally started!

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

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the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

SUMMER LOVIN’ EDITION Summer Slampiece: - Sexy Secretary Intern - Punk Festival Princess - Golf Cart Girl - Ice Cream Truck Ice Queen Summer Sex Slave: - Bad Boy Barista - Mall Kiosk Sunglasses Guy - Toned and Tan Lifeguard - Ring Toss Carnie

Where You First “Made Love”: - Looking at the stars at Lucky Man’s Pass - The supply closet on your lunch break - On your parents’ bed when they were away - In the McDonald’s ball pit after hours

You Spend the Fourth of July: - On a boat with some beer - At a family gathering meet-n-greet - Shoving firecrackers up frogs’ butts - Stuck working a stupid shift

Most Nights are Spent: - Cuddling in front of a campfire - Forgetting each other’s names at the bar - Looking for someone with a dime bag - Watching baseball on TV

Road Trip Destination: - Bonnaroo!

- Cedar Point - A National Park camp site - To take care of his/her sick grandma

The First Big Fight Happens When You Can’t get Tickets to: - X-Men: Days of Future Past - 22 Jump Street - Maleficent - Jupiter Ascending

Awkward Break-Up Platitude: - “Summer lovin’, had me a blast.”

- “One year from today, exactly, let’s meet here in this very spot.”

- “I’ll wait for you, I swear.”

- “Chlamydia’s not contagious, right?”

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