Illinois - 11/9/11 - v19i13

Volume 19, Issue 13 — 11/09/11 - 11/16/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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The Booze News

Perfect Patrick and Regrettable Roger Meet the Family

Carly Anne wrote this

What us single folk don’t realize is that Dad’s Weekend is generally the first time a lot of couples on campus will be meeting their significant other’s parents. While most of us will be downing expensive beers with our dads, there’s a small percentage of students who will be dressing up, acting proper and actually behaving themselves for a change. Coming from a seasoned veteran of long-term relationships wherein the parents just adored me and who also has a fairly tough dad who rarely approves of anyone, please allow me to help you out this weekend by laying out several examples of what to do and what not to do: Goofus and Gallant style.

First Impressions Perfect Patrick wears jeans and a nice shirt. He doesn’t overdress in a tuxedo, but he still looks smashing and presentable in his Sunday best. Perfect Patrick uses a firm handshake and makes good eye contact. “It’s a pleasure to meet you; your daughter is a truly wonderful person. She’s been such a delight in my life, and I’ve so been looking forward to meeting the people who raised such a joy.”

Regrettable Roger wears his frat shirt with a picture of a leprechaun jacking off that he got for last Unofficial, implying he’ll have sex with anything maintaining a pulse. He wears jeans that sag past his butt and are covered in jizz stains. “Yo, my bad I’m late.

I’m hungover as fuck. Shit, bitch, is this what you’re gonna look like in thirty years?

Wow, thanks for the heads-up – better get you dieting as soon as possible, right?”

Daytime Activities Perfect Patrick goes miniature golfing with the family and impresses everyone with his light banter. He treats his girlfriend like a lady, discusses his golf handicap with the father and impresses everyone with his sleight of hand magic tricks. “Another hole in one? Wow, look out Phil Mickelson, someone’s about to take over the PGA Tour. Was this your card? And suddenly flowers out of my sleeve!”

Regrettable Roger drags the family along to a house party with his bros. He slaps his girlfriend on the ass in front of her dad, asks everyone to pay for cups to drink from his warm keg, and makes inappropriate comments throughout the night. “Damn, girl, your ass seems hella-tight today. I bet you gave her tons of spankings whenever she was a bad girl, right pops? And look, Keystone isn’t cheap, so between the three of you I’ll take fifteen bucks…Now.” Dinner Perfect Patrick sets up dinner reservations at a nice restaurant ahead of time. He uses first-rate manners, effortlessly carries dinner conversation, and keeps his phone away for the night. “I reserved us a table by the window at Biaggi’s. They even have a special gluten-free menu, for you, Mrs. Travers; and by the way, I can definitely see where Lindsey gets her beautiful looks from. So, Mr. Travers, I hear you just made partner at your law firm; what’s it like dealing with foreign law?”

Regrettable Roger doesn’t care where the family eats. He drunkenly drives the family to the Sonic drive-through, orders four things off the menu, only eats half of his food and almost immediately vomits up his stomach’s contents. Regrettable Roger is a shame to be seen with – even at Sonic. “Yeah, (hiccup) I’ll take a number seven with exsstra mayonnaise. A shit-ton of onion rings. Throw some chicken’s fingers in there, and I’ll also be having a milkem shake. Nothing for the tubby in back though, she’s had enough to eat for this week. Blarhhghhshhhhh.”

On the Town Perfect Patrick takes the family to downtown Champaign where all of the classiest establishments hide out. They settle up in a nice booth and drink top shelf alcohol; he knows the bartender so their drinks are made with special care. Perfect Patrick orders a scotch and amazes everyone around with his knowledge and fine palette for such a man’s drink. “This is a fine scotch aged in oak casks to really bring out the smooth

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

07: Dear Son, You Suck

A disappointed dad lets his son know that he just doesn’t care anymore.

08: Stepping Up for Step-Dad’s Weekend He may love your mom WAY more than you, but he’s still down to party.

18: Dads Vs. Undercover Cops Which is which?

Drinking tickets are a bitch!

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Table of

contents 5 9

Pg5: The Dad Competition This weekend the game of middle-age one-upmanship comes to a campus near you.

Pg6: Dads Don’t Want to Go Home A weekend in Champaign can turn into an eternity once you’ve come back from the real world.

Pg9: Finding Your Sugar Daddy Just ‘cause you’ve got a dick doesn’t mean dads have to be dicks to you this weekend.

Pg9: From the Streets Is your dad a DILF?

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Pg10: It’s Dad’s Weekend (Take Advantage!)

Older men giving you money to hang out with them? Sounds like your future!

Pg16: Bartenders of the Week: We really hope these ladies’ show their dads these interviews.

Pg16: Drinking Game: Jenga Bricks won’t be the only things falling down after this game.

Pg16: Recipe for Disaster: Hot Dog Mac and Cheese If your dad loves you, he’ll buy you food so you don’t have to eat this.

Pg17: Alcohol Review: New Amsterdam Gin An old man drink for an old man weekend!

Pg18: Top 10 Reasons to Not Invite Your Dad to Dad’s Weekend Pg20: The Black Sheep Interviews: 12th Planet This up-and-coming dubstep DJ will bring down the house.

Pg21: The Black Sheep Interviews: Mat Kearney This singer-songwriter wants to collaborate with…a very different singer-songwriter.

Pg21: CD Review Summer Camp- Welcome to Condale

Meet The Staff!

Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Letter to the editor Dear Carl, How awesome are dads? Come on, I mean really.

- Jake Fuck Yeah Jake, You’ve got it all right. Dads are the best ever.

I can’t think of a single kid who doesn’t look at his dad and see Clark Kent gone Superman.

Where to even begin on the dad topic: he can fix anything from a leaky faucet to a flat tire; he protects the house from robbers, murderers, and spiders alike; he makes corny jokes to waitresses, teachers, and doctors; he grumps on a couch to watch football when the game’s on and Oprah reruns when the mom forces him to; he threatens men who come after his daughter, yet even more manly he runs into the grocery store to get her tampons when she’s sick; he doesn’t care what he looks like at your sporting event, he’s just proud you’re on the team. Dads are the bomb diggity, and I’ll proudly use a dad phrase to describe them.

They’re goofy and unapologetic and that’s why we love them. God I almost feel bad for girls with daddy issues; I’m glad mine loves me.

Ahh, a restful's night sleep under a nice, full moon...

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Forever, Carl

To submit your own letter, email our Editor at CKamp2@gmail.com

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Word of the week Hegalitarianism:

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Definition: Any movement that promotes equal rights for cross-dressers and transvestites.

Sentence: “RuPaul’s Supermodel was a seminal moment in the Hegalitarianism movement.”

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The Inner-Workings of Father vs. Father Competitions

Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this

A lot can happen to a person in the cruel years which follow college. The hairlines recede, children engulf dreams and aspirations in clouds of hellish flame, and, God forbid, the drummer of your blues rock cover band gets in a pickup truck accident, forcing you to cancel three shows of the Blind Willy Pete and the Guitar Slingers summer tour. Very quickly, the optimism and ego which go with college life are replaced with Sears catalogues and 401k’s. For this reason, Dad’s Weekend at the University of Illinois is one of the only chances that middle aged men have at finding satisfaction and happiness in their cold, routine-driven suburban lives.

However, while Dad’s love to come to Dad’s Weekend to once again experience the apathetic nirvana of binge drinking on a college campus, they can’t help but preoccupy themselves with the trivial differences between themselves and the other dad’s around them. When these middle aged men look at their own sterile and depressing lives of bills and spaghetti dinners compared to the other dads who appear to exude wealth and youth, they have no choice but to defend their existence against these seemingly perfect dads with their perfect lives. This is the classic middle-aged father showdown in action.

These competitions always begin the moment the two dads meet. The opening conversations will usually involve the following inquiries: What’s your profession? Are you married?

Does your son play sports? If a dad responds to the first question with anything in the medical field, they automatically win the competition right off the bat. Even if they are twice divorced with a son who was head of tech crew in high school, the “Dr.” in front of their name ensures immediate victory.

However, if we observe the common situation in which both

fathers are evenly matched, or if one is slightly better off than the other, then the game progresses.

Although it can be quite clear which Father has lead the more comfortable and successful life after college, being on campus provides an even playing field. The outside world is not a factor on college grounds. Because of this, the next step in dad competitions is involved with the primary vehicle of social hierarchy on college campuses: drinking. The two fathers will begin with beer drinking. They will pretend that nothing sinister is transpiring between them, but that they are just enjoying a few brews together like mature adults.

Then, all of a sudden, one of the dads will suggest a drinking game, usually flippy cup. If one of the dads admits an unwillingness or inability to chug beer in that manner, he will immediately lose the credibility and the competition will be over. However, more times than not, the two dads will suck it up, and instead of enjoying beers and getting along, they will opt to chug shitty beer in defense of their drinking skills and manhood. If one of the dads vomits at this point in the night, they lose.

After a couple rounds, the two dads, with their feeble old man stomachs, will find the rapid drinking of beer common in drinking games to become undesirable. This is when the third stage of competitions arrives: shots. The same rules as above apply to this stage: no refusing, no puking. “What, you don’t wanna take a shot, old man? What are ya, a pansy?” This is when the competition starts to get really heated. Both dads are far enough into this whole mess that they cannot turn back, but are afraid to continue.

So ends the drinking portion of the competition. By now, both dads are unreasonably smashed. However, admitting to

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this fact is not allowed, and is grounds for immediate disqualification. At this point, now that they have proven themselves both on drinking skills and social standing and respectability, the dads begin the portion of he competition in which they vicariously express their impressiveness through their children. And when we say children, we mean the men. Making reference to the achievements of a daughter holds no ground, and in most cases goes in favor of the opposing father. Having a son on a varsity sports team is an immediate win. Having a son on a comedy newspaper on campus carries moderate strength with tinges of implicit disappointment.

Grades are not evaluated, only mothers care about grades.

After this, the Fathers will likely become tired and go to sleep at the local Holiday Inn. Was anything accomplished?

Maybe. Just maybe, in the morose, confusing maze of middle aged married life, to able to say that he, if only for a short while, was riding the high and beautiful wave of Dad’s Weekend dominance, it will make all the difference in the world.

Dads Don’t Want to Go Home Corey Guastini wrote this

Thousands of “Lost Husband” posters have been hung on telephone poles throughout the state of Illinois, urging citizens to aid in the search of middle-aged men last seen at Dad’s Weekend in Champaign-Urbana. The posters bear a physical description of the men along with a photo taken of them at a trip to the park. They also specify the men will respond to generally any disparaging epithet and assure searchers not to be afraid of confronting them, as they are usually good with people.

Last weekend the men gathered at the University of Illinois in an annual ritual to visit their children and be appreciated. The event usually goes off without a hitch, however, this year the group of aging males was unusually sensitive to displays by the younger male students. After seeing the young bucks hopelessly chasing women, throwing back beers while sitting on lawn chairs atop a roof, and unleashing their young, primal aggression on games of flag football, the older gentlemen began yearning for something they could not quite put their finger on. The viewing of the stallions was interrupted by one man’s cell phone ringing. His wife was on the other end. She told him to put all his purchases on the credit card since there was no money left on the debit card after her trip to Target, and, “Oh by the way, no heat is coming out of the dryer, so you’ll have to take a look at that when you get back.” Immediately, the man realized what he was yearning for. He needed to ditch his wife of thirty years. This epiphany spread seemingly telepathically throughout the minds of all men at Dad’s Weekend. Moments later, they all took off running down the sidewalk, grabbing each male student by the shoulders, shaking him vigorously, and yelling, “Don’t get married, son. For the love of God, don’t commit!”

By the end of the day, every last motorcycle and sports car was purchased within a thirty-mile radius of Champaign-Urbana. The group of men headed west in a collective cavalcade wearing plaid pants matched with striped shirts, sandals with socks, and that favorite old pair of jeans they do yard work in that is in no way suitable for going out.

Before getting too far along, the men were sure to drop a letter to their wives in the mailbox. While all slightly different, one read, “I made a huge mistake saying those vows before God thirty years ago. I belong free. I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do yet. Maybe I’ll live in the desert eating cacti and scorpions, maybe I’ll build a cabin with my bare hands in the Rockies, or maybe I’ll even kill a bear, slice its stomach open and use it as shelter. Whatever I do, don’t wait up. I’m never coming back. I might come back for the dog. But that’s it.”

The wives jointly released a letter in response, which read, in part, “Everything is fine here. We’re not mad at you. Just come home and we’ll fix your favorite meal, let you sit on the couch all day watching the History Channel, and even give you special treatment in the bedroom you haven’t experienced since before the Berlin Wall came down.” While promising, inside sources confirmed everything is most certainly not, “Fine here,” and this is all just another classic wife ploy to lull the husband into a false sense of security before ripping him apart like a leopard on an injured springbok.

A female psychologist at the University of Illinois asserted her view that this sort of behavior on the part of the men is indicative of severe trauma resurfaced, not the benign wear and tear of a marriage. According to her, the men should snap out of it any day now. Her male colleague about to celebrate his silver wedding anniversary quickly interjected, saying he understood the men completely, and got on the phone to book a one way plane ticket to New Zealand. This stalemate will likely end when the women realize they can’t turn on the computer without their husband’s help, and the men realize they can’t prepare anything edible without their wives.

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Dear Son, You Suck To: TheForgottenSon@ohiostate.edu From: AssholeDad69@aol.com Subject: Dad’s Weekend Dear Peter, Hey kid, how’s freshman year at Ohio State so far? Mom and I are sad you’re gone but we’re also enjoying all the alone time here, if you know what I mean. (; Anyway, the reason for this email is because I know I haven’t seen you since you left for school, and you probably really want me to visit so we could have some good old father-son bonding time. A day full of eating beef jerky, shitting with the door open and talking about pussy.

You know, the usual. Even though I bet it would be a heck of a lot of fun, I think I’m going to have to take a pass on it. I’ve decided that I’m going to visit your sister Laura for Dad’s Weekend. I heard she’s still having a great time in her junior year at the University of Illinois, and you know she’s always been a daddy’s girl. Maybe I can make it out to see you next year!

Don’t take it personally, boy. It’s not you; it’s me. I just don’t think your type of fun is really what I go for these days. Your mother is extremely proud of the fact that you spend your weekends inside studying. She always says, “We sent him there to learn, not to party!” But I think that’s total bullshit. Can’t you take a break for once? That calculus book will still be there tomorrow, but that horny brunette at that frat party won’t be. Laura, on the other hand, gets hammered every night and has been railed by all the guys in her neighboring apartments. Now THAT sounds like a good time to me! When I was in college, it was all about slayin’ ass and smokin’ pot. And I’m pretty

sure you haven’t done either one of those things since you started school. And you probably won’t any time soon. It’s definitely a hell of a lot more fun than whatever physics crap you’re shoveling into your brain. If I’m going to go back to college for a weekend, I’m going to make the most of it. That means doing three things while I’m there: pounding brews, eating Fat Sandwich, and getting laid. (Don’t tell your mom. About the Fat Sandwich part, I mean. She’s got me on that Atkins diet again).

You can’t blame me, though. I bet if you were me, you’d rather hang out with your sister than with yourself too.

First of all, her roommates are pretty hot. Whatever it takes to get a couple young babes with sick tits to drunkenly dance with me, you can bet your ass I’m gonna do it.

All I ever hear about your roommate is how he watches Jerry Springer and clips his toenails on your bed. Yuck… that doesn’t really work for me. Plus, Laura just turned 21. I know you haven’t even considered getting a fake ID yet, so I just don’t even want to bother trying to go to lameass Buckeyes just to drink purple drank. You know what, I bet you don’t even know what purple drank is.

Ugh. Like I said, maybe next year I’ll make a trip out to the home of the Buckeyes, but don’t count on it. You gotta understand, Pete, that I’m coming up on 50 years, and I have to start investing in Viagra soon. I just want to live it up while I can. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that I think you’re lame as shit.

Love, Dad P.S. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Kitty Kat wrote this

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Stepping Up for Step-Dad’s Weekend Philip Azar wrote this To all you self-righteous fathers who are out with your blood-related daughters and sons sharing laughs and memories on this Dad’s Weekend, Please direct your attention away from your Bloody Mary to a stiffer drink I call “injustice.” While Dad’s Weekend has become a tradition at the University of Illinois, Step-Dad’s Weekend remains as socially acceptable as ordering Papa John’s to my brother’s funeral (regardless of the fact that I had a coupon and was willing to share with anyone who’d chip in a few bucks). But this is one step that refuses to be walked on anymore. Yes, drink it in U of I patriarchs.

We live in a world where close to 50% of marriages end in divorce. This means that 50% of U of I students probably have step-dads and 1 out of every 2 drunken hookups are probably because of daddy issues. You’re welcome, fellas. Like it or not, we are the mustached majority that deserves our own day of hitting on our stepdaughter’s sorority sisters and/or starting a fight at the Illini Inn. Could my own stepdaughter at least invite me to Dad’s Weekend, Tiffany?

I know, I’m basically a stranger who sleeps with your mother and beats your little brother for changing the channel while I was watching CSI: Miami. But I’m also that stranger who wants to be your pal. It’s a slap in the face when you go and invite your actual father to Dad’s Weekend and act like I don’t even exist. Why does Mark take preference over your good old step-dad? Sure, he raised you, and you’ve known him all your life. Sure, it’s okay for him to have a baby picture of you in his wallet, but it’s weird if I do too. Sure, he has a college degree, a stable job, and a car built after 1993. You’ve probably never caught him rummaging through your panty drawer or sniffing your friends’ hair. He’s also probably not a registered sex offender in the state of New Hampshire, and I bet he showers more than three times a week. Well… whoop-dee-doo! Somebody please give Mark a friggin’ cookie! Oh wait, you already did when you two went to Insomnia Cookies together at last year’s Dad’s Weekend.

Well, I deserve a cookie too. And your mother agrees with me – at least that’s what she said last night.

Stepfathers, let’s step up and start a petition to create a Step-Dad’s Weekend at U of I. Take pride in being a stepfather! We’re a step up from your real fathers! We are a step up for your mother! And we are on the 8th step in our AA program!

We are the Cheeto eaters and the couch sleepers! We play in ABBA tribute bands and have our high school friends over to play poker! We are the men who take the first piece of cake at your little brother’s 11th birthday party and apologize to no one! And we’re still looking for jobs!

We also really want to see Denard Robinson play, because that guy is not going to have a career after college.

So come on, you pansies. Why not give your old man the boot like your mother did and set aside some room for your Dad 2.0? I swear I’ll cover up that peephole I made in your room for your visits. Oh, you hadn’t found out about that? Who said peephole? Heh, heh…

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From 'da Streets

Finding Your Sugar Daddy

Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

(For Men)

Do your friends think your dad is a DILF?

John McHoneyCombs wrote this Unless your own father is coming into town, Dad’s Weekend is usually a bust for the men of this campus. Just about every bar is charging cover and if you were planning on finding some random tail this weekend you can pretty much forget about it. While you may be the young stallion in a herd of balding, mid-life crises mustangs, there are so many of them that the bars will be completely saturated by their ilk.

All hope is not lost, however, as you will find many of these slowly-dying middle aged men have careers and are more than willing to put down a hundred dollar bar tab in order to impress their son and his friends. Bros, you’re going to have to find yourself a sugar daddy. Now, I know you’re thinking that sugar daddies are solely for women, but there are plenty of them out there for guys as well.

Unlike women, acquiring them is going to take a little more effort than tossing some glitter on your tits and ‘accidentally’ bumping your ass into them.

Dads are here solely to relive their glory days. They want to recreate the experience of chugging down enough beer bongs to blackout and coming to just in time to puke on their $6 pizza. That shit’s fun. You have to help them relive those days. Start by befriending a friend’s dad and start calling him ‘bro’ or any nickname that makes him feel like part of the group (if you’re uncreative, just tossing ‘dawg’ behind his first name should suffice). Offer to play some video games or catch with him, and he’ll completely forget how many pills of Viagra he has left.

Make him feel like one of the guys so that when you go out to the bars and start cheering his name he will remember that he has a credit card and $2 Jagerbombs can be bought in scores.

Now, suppose your friends’ dads are boring, or, even worse, happily married. It’s gonna be a lot harder to get them to go on a rager with you. In this case, you’re going to have to improvise and adopt a dad at the bar. This

“Of course, it runs in the family.”

- Sebastian R., Freshman

is actually a lot easier than it sounds, because it’s like talking to a girl, except that all of that boring shit you bring up like, “Where are you from?” and, “What do you do?” seem like legitimate questions to him. Plus, he’ll actually have something interesting to say so you don’t have to preoccupy yourself by staring at boobs and trying to think of a follow up question. The key is to find a father hanging out with someone who doesn’t look like his son. Chances are he’s disappointed in what his son has become or his son is dead. In either case it’s a win for you! Acting as his surrogate son will ensure drinks will be coming your way. If he’s here simply for his daughter, then you’ve hit the jackpot, because nothing is more disappointing to a father than only having girls. In his mind there is something seriously wrong with his sperm. All it takes is one intelligent conversation with the man, and the next thing you know he’ll be handing you the key to his daughter’s chastity belt.

“Yeah, he plays lead guitar in a band.”

- Chris E., Sophomore

Remember that one day you’ll be like these men: old, hapless and sober. So try to take advantage of them as much as possible before you wake up one day stuck in a job with a short sleeve dress shirt and a tie, because that’s coming soon enough.

“Well obviously, he got my mom.”

- John K., Junior

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It’s Dad’s Weekend!

Go Ahead and Take Advantage of Your Father!

Cleves wrote this Your dad is one of the most important men in your life.

Not only did he, well, give you life, but he has also loved and nurtured you throughout the years. He was probably the coach of at least one of your athletic teams, taught you how to ride a bike and showed you how to shotgun a beer without looking like a pussy.

Now that it’s Dad’s Weekend he not only expects you to take advantage of him, he encourages it. That’s the whole point of this weekend, anyway. Sure, your dad might be reliving his college years too, but the real reason he’s coming is because he misses the way his little son or little daughter used to depend on him for everything. Here’s your chance to do that again!

The first and most obvious way in which you should take advantage of ole pops is to make him fill that belly of yours with tons of delicious food. It really sucks going to the grocery store and pinching pennies by only buying off-brand products, like Coke-O Poofs (which by the way taste NOTHING like Cocoa Puffs), and trying to stay on your measly college-student food budget of $20. Have him take you to the store and just go ape shit through those aisles. Treat this like Supermarket Sweep, except your dad’s paying for it all! Then, of course, make him take you out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town. Go ahead and order that $30 filet mignon - your dad wants you to. Last but not least, exploit his fat wallet for the inevitable drunk food you’ll be enjoying together later.

This may sound strange, but another way in which you could use your old man to your advantage is in the gettin’ laid department. However, this only works if you’re a boy. I don’t think a father wants to see his little girl getting any ass this weekend. But, dads are always looking out for their son’s sex life. They want to see their boys

be the ladies man that they always wished they could be, but failed at. So when approaching girls at a bar, use your dad as a crutch for the sympathy card. “Aww, your father was in Vietnam AND survived a kidney transplant? You’re the one who donated the kidney? Oh my gosh, that is so sweet. Do you, uh... wanna see my bedroom?” High-five, dad! Now this might not be the most moral thing to do, but hey, all is fair in sex and war.

Remember that one time you and your roommates destroyed your apartment in a drunken stupor? Now all of your furniture is being held together by duct tape, the bathroom door has been ripped off its hinges, and there is something that had a pulse rotting in your oven. Well, have no fear! Don’t you know that when your dad signed up to be a dad he also signed up automatically to be able to fix basically anything in the world? Since he’s here for the weekend, might as well put the old man to work.

Have him repair all of the damages that you brought onto your apartment. And if the damages are so bad that not even MacGyver himself could fix them, well then just have Daddy-O leave a blank check for you to write to your realtor after you move out.

Now there are many other ways to take advantage of your father over Dad’s Weekend; it just depends on personal preference. These are the three main ones you should knock out while pops is in town. Some people might steal their dad’s car and drunkenly drive it to Silver Bullet. Others may just use their father as their personal chauffeur for the weekend. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you tell your dad how much you love him and how much everything he does means to you. Saying this will give you brownie points... Or just say whatever it is that will make you feel better about being a horrible child. Love you, dad!

DOWNLOAD OUR iPHONE OR ANDROID APP AND STAY ENTERTAINED ALL YEAR LONG, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE...SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD BE STUCK DRIVING YOUR STUPID ROOMMATE AROUND AND REALLY NEED TO READ ABOUT THE BEST "NEW" PLACE TO STICK YOUR FINGERS, AND WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. YOU COULD BE SITTING AT A LAME ACCOUNTING STUDY SESSION AND KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD IS WITH A STELLAR DRINKING GAME, AND GUESS WHAT, WE HAVE THAT TOO. AND AT THE END OF THAT SESSION WHEN YOUR WEIRD PARTNER WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING A MOVE ON YOU PASSES OUT WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON, YOU CAN SNAP A PIC AND SEND IT STRAIGHT TO PARTY PICS FROM YOUR PHONE. OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL THE BAR SPECIALS, TOO. DID WE FORGET TO MENTION THAT? SEE HOW HANDY WE ARE? SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE AND GET HAPPY.

@BlackSheep_UIUC Do it now...

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

Wednesday (11/09): RAILROAD EARTH with ROSE'S PAWN SHOP

DADS WEEKEND Get your Dad a Bucket List T-shirt! We are giving away 100 shirts Friday & Saturday!

Can your Dad Finish the List?

A Different Shirt at Each Bar! FIREHAUS - CLYS - RED LION

SATURDAY: Candy Foster Live at 9PM!

SAT: DAD'S DAY $6 Domestic Pitchers $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells, $1 PBR Drafts NO COVER Free Shuttle to the Game!

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

Book Your Next Party Here!

Throwdown Thursdays with Greg "2 Hype" $1 PBR Drafts, $2 Wells $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

NOV: NFL Pro Bowl Weekends! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Fridays & Saturdays WIN Great Prizes & 1 Grand Prize! 2 Tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too!

WED 11/09

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

RAILROAD EARTH with ROSE'S PAWN SHOP

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

THURS 11/10

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

IT'S TIME TO LISTEN : AUTISM SPEAKS Benefit featuring ALEC STERN, DAN DURLEY, MATT GLISTA, MC ESTEBAN GAST and DJ CRISA

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor

FRI 11/11

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

African Cultural Association presents REGGAE PARTY: Fall 2011

Happy Hour Food Special $3 BURGERS $3 15" Long Grilled Cheese $5 Wings & Fries (4pm-9pm) $2 Bud Light Tallboy Cans WELCOME DADS!

WELCOME DADS! $2.50 Bud Light bottles $3 Bacardi

Illini-Town Get-Down with FIFTH WORLD and GENOME (Early!)

INTERSTATE BATTLE AFTER-PARTY (Late!)

Open at 9am Serving Breakfast $2 Bloody Marys, $2 Mimosas $5 Haystacks $5 Chicken N Waffles Serving Great Food All Day!

Candy Foster Live at 9PM!

DAD'S DAY WEEKEND! $6 Domestic Pitchers $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Wells, $1 PBR Drafts NO COVER

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Book Your Next Party Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

Salsa & Tango!

Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

SAT 11/12 SUN 11/13

Closed

Closed

Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily!

Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

MON 11/14

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS (Late!)

Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $2 Corona Bottles $1 Wells

TUES 11/15

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos, $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

$3 Real Long Islands!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

WED 11/16

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

Alpha Gamma Rho presents FOXY LADY CONTEST (Early!)

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY (Late!) $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Exception to the Rule Live at 10PM Sun Stereo Live at 11PM!

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans Brat Pack Live at 9PM!

A Place Your Dad Could Even Call Home.

With some many amenities, he won’t notice when he’s overstaying his welcome.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room.

Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage.

Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

Sunday Funday!

Bears/Lions at 3PM WIN A TRIP TO VEGAS DURING THE GAME!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

THURS 11/10

NFL Thursday Night Football Chargers vs Raiders 7:30pm Hawks vs Blue Jackets 6pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

ICB’s $3.50$4Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs Closed After 9 for Private Party

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons & Woodchucks $4 Loaded Chuck's $4 Cups of Shots

FRI 11/11

WELCOME DADS! Get your Dad's Weekend Bucket List T-Shirt!

We are Giving Them Away Fri & Sat! Flames vs Blackhawks 7:30pm MBB: N. Carolina vs Mich St 7pm

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

Your Dad Wants to Party in the Beer Garden, Bring Him Here!

SAT 11/12

OPEN AT 9AM Serving Breakfast $2 BLOODY MARY'S $2 MIMOSAS Illini vs Michigan 2:30pm Watch All The Games Here!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Matt Poss and the Rolling Thunder Doors Open at 8PM

The Dance Floor is Calling Your Dad's Name...

SUN 11/13

Bears vs Lions 3pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Sunday Funday!

Bears/Lions at 3PM WIN A TRIP TO VEGAS DURING THE GAME!

MON 11/14

VIKINGS vs PACKERS 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots 1/2 Priced Appetizers (4-10)

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikazes Monday Night Joe's... you know

$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers Tequila Tuesday Back at the 8th Grade Dance $1 Jello Shots

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

WED 11/16

WED 11/09

SPECIAL NIGHT

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

TUES 11/15

35 E. Green Street DADS WEEKEND Get your Dad a Bucket List T-shirt! We are giving away 100 shirts Friday & Saturday!

Can your Dad Finish the List?

A Different List at Each Bar! FIREHAUS - CLYS - RED LION

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win Hawks vs Blues Tickets! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day.

Miller Light Draft Free pool during happy hour!!!

6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Wednesday

love where you live!

OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL OF THIS, TOO!

FREE TANNING BEDS, INDOOR BASKETBALL, FITNESS CENTER, AND A DOG PARK... WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

• Resort-style pool • Free tanning beds • Fitness center • On-site maintenance

• Washer/dryer • Pet friendly • Individual bathrooms • Shuttle to/from campus

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/09

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The Absolut Dad Party! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson Drinks IL BBall Kick Off Party 5-7

Welcome Dads!

WELCOME DADS! $1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

Welcome Dads!

Welcome Dads!

DADS WEEKEND Open at 10am ILLINI vs Michigan 2:30pm Get your Dad a Dads Weekend Bucket List T-SHIRT! We are Giving Them Away Friday & Saturday!

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion!

Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Closed

SUN 11/13

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SAT 11/12

TUESDAY: DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 11/11

DADS WEEKEND Get your Dad a Bucket List T-shirt! We are giving away 100 shirts Friday & Saturday!

Can your Dad Finish the List?

A Different List at Each Bar! FIREHAUS - CLYS - RED LION

THURS 11/10

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY:

SATURDAY: DAD'S DAY! IL vs. MICH $3 22oz Lite Drafts & Bottles

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

DAD'S DAY! IL vs. MICH $3 22oz Lite Drafts & Bottles

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

Welcome Dads!

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers Bears vs. Lions at 3PM

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

ILLINI BBALL! Celebrity DJ Party $1 Bottles, $1 Wells $3 Pitchers

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Monday Night Football!

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 11/14

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts Come Ride the Bull!

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

TUES 11/15

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/16

You like this.

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes.

• Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms.

• Resort style swimming pool.

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

• Washer & dryer in every apartment.

• 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning.

• Pet friendly!

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Bartenders

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Week

of the

Lila Berlin red lion

Relationship Status: Single Major: Community Health Describe your father’s facial hair situation?

Fu-Manchu Was your dad a player back in the day? Well, I’m alive. So, yep!

Have you ever found your father’s porn stash? Yep, stole it.

Did you get your drinking abilities from your father or mother? Mom, until she had to go to AA. Did your dad ever used illegal substances? Does nose candy count?

What size shoes does your dad wear? 15 (you know what that means, big socks.)

On a scale of Mr. Clean to Mel Gibson (Braveheart) how much hair does your dad have? Outrageous bush.

Does your dad manscape?

Obviously no.

Have you ever been to a strip club with your father? Yes, we own one and I work Tuesday nights.

Would your dad rather beer bong or shotgun at a tailgate? Shotgun When was the last time your dad got laid? When I was conceived.

Megan Nagy Brothers

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Math/ Secondary Ed. How much does your dad bench? What the average freshman girl weigh?

Have you ever showered with your father? NO! Is your dad hot? Do you like beer guts?

Where is your dad staying over Dad’s Weekend? That’s for you to decide.

Describe your father’s physical appearance.

Have you ever seen To Catch a Predator?

Who can pound more beers, you or your father? Beers – dad, shots - me Have you ever walked in on your father having sex? That one time he had that bastard child.

When did you have “the talk” with your dad? Never, awkward.

How are you going to break it to your father that you are attracted the same sex?

Fingers crossed for this weekend.

Do any of your chick friends hit on your dad?

Way too much.

What’s your favorite father-child bonding activity? Flippy cup

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

JENGA! Before a night on the town, everyone needs some good, hard wood. Yes, guys too. So strap in and sit down for a game that can get real sexy in a hurry.

We’re talking about Jenga, of course.

What you need: Friends (or random strangers you find on the street, but hey, up to you), Jenga, a permanent marker, and any kind of alcohol you want.

Number of players: Two or more.

Intoxication Level: The stack of bricks won’t be the only thing toppling over.

How to Play: -Grab your Jenga game and pull out the blocks.

-Write instructions on each block with your handy dandy permanent marker.

You can make them really simple things like giving out drinks or you can make them more personalized.

-Suggested instructions: chug your drink; take a shot; kiss the person next to you; remove an article of clothing; spend the rest of the round making chicken noises; take the drink of the person to your left; lick your foot; make a rule.

-Each person must pull a block out from Jenga and follow what it says. In the event that someone makes a rule, everyone must follow it or suffer the consequences (take six!).

-After the block has been pulled and the instructions have been followed, the block must be placed on a top corner of the pile.

-When the pile falls, the person at fault must chug the rest of his or her drink.

The Game Ends When: The tower falls or people become unable to see straight.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Hot Dog Mac and Cheese

Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you lunch? It was probably macaroni and cheese and a hot dog on multiple occasions. I bet you miss those days. Lucky for you, there’s a college kid’s version of it!

What you need: Any box of mac and cheese, any kind of hot dog, a stove, a microwave, pepper (optional), tobasco sauce (optional), and bread (also optional).

Cook time: Ten minutes. Tops.

Fatty factor: This all depends on your meat to pasta ratio. It’s clearly carb and sodium heavy, but who cares? You can be healthy when you graduate.

Let’s Get bakin’: -Turn on the stovetop.

-Boil that water.

-Add the noodles and wait for them to soften.

-Drain noodles.

-Microwave your desired amount of hot dogs on a paper plate. Maximum 1 minute.

-Add your butter to the macaroni and stir until it’s mostly melted.

-Add the provided cheese packet and stir.

-Add the milk (for cheesier mac and cheese, add minimal milk).

-Stir until it’s all nice and creamy.

-Chop up your hot dogs into small pieces.

-Add the hot dogs to the macaroni and cheese. Stir.

-For some extra flavor, add your desired amount of pepper and/or tobasco sauce.

-If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, grab some bread and pile on the Mac and Cheese.

-Get a plate, and go at it like you’re about to be fucking executed. Or if you’re in the mood for something lighter and more hilarious, eat it in front of your friends and make panting noises as you chew. This lets them know how orgasmic it is.

This recipe is awesome because it’s a throwback to your childhood. It’s cheap and affordable (ideal college kid foods), and if you decide to use the bread, it’s even going to help out your hangover!

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Review

17

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

New Amsterdam Gin Grade: A Overview We talked Carly into letting us drink something other than that freshman’s brew they call Pinnacle; it took some convincing and promises of a good dicking, but she finally backed down. Gin may not be a man’s drink like scotch or rum; however, it’s certainly a step in the right direction.

Typical Drinkers People who always wear suits, depressed accountants, stay-at-home moms, stay-at-home dads, high schoolers who steal liquor from their stay-at-home parents, and the members of the Deutsche Vornamen fan club, which consists of himself and his mistress.

History There was a man named Deutsche Vornamen who lived in Amsterdam all his life. Having lived there for so long, he grew sick and tired of being around marijuana so often. He also hated the fact that weed smoking is what Amsterdam was so famous for in the mind of outsiders. So he decided to make a change! Deutsche moved to New York City when he was twenty-five and, with only a couple of coins in his pocket, somehow was able to create his own alcohol factory. He named it New Amsterdam, you know, because it was going to be Amsterdam’s new claim to fame. Here he created New Amsterdam Gin. He wanted Americans, or as he referred to as us, “Angry Alcoholics”, to think of his homeland as classy, so he put it in this snazzy lookin bottle. And it tastes pretty damn good too! Good job, Deutsche.

User Comments “I think I’ll stick to weed.”

“Wow! Who new such good alcohol could come from Amsterdam! Oh, it’s from New York? That explains it.”

“This shit is smooth. Smoother than my girlfriend’s buttcheeks.”

“Does drinking this make me look wealthy?”

The mixer Center With Tonic and Lime: A for A classy person!

Sprite: BWith a Monocle: A

Conclusion This is some pretty good alcohol, and if you’re ready to steer away from vodka and whiskey AND want to look pretty classy doing so, I’d definitely try this stuff out.

V8 Juice: C+ Diet Coke: D+

By Yourself: F...hardly classy, get some friends

18

THe top ten

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Reasons to not Invite your Dad to Dad’s Weekend 10. Your Father Isn’t a Drinker (You are) Your old man spent the majority of his time at the University of Illinois locked up in the UGL studying. The only time you’ve spent in the UGL was renting seasons of The Sopranos and you recently got slapped with a lifetime ban for urinating on the periodicals at 3a.m. (it happens). Is your dad traveling three hours so you can have dinner and lie about your grades really worth his time?

9. Your Father IS a Drinker (And it’s kind of a problem) Pop’s drinking habits made Charlie Sheen’s seem no worse than the bit of rum you put in a child’s baby bottle to make it go to sleep. Last time he drank in front of your friends he vomited on your girlfriend’s lap and passed out on a lit stove. Best leave him and his embarrassing behavior back at your hometown.

Dad or Undercover Cop:

How To Tell the Difference.

Grace wrote this In less than a few short days our dads will take a break from disciplining our younger and less attractive intelligent siblings to come commend us for our outstanding academic achievements with endless pitchers of beer, dinners at our favorite restaurants and trips to the grocery store. Dad’s Weekend is one of those times when the old pops really feels like he is able to let loose and let his inner frat-star shine to the world. He wants to make you proud, ya know? So what better way than by challenging your BFF’s dad to a pitcher race?

So proud. The only problem with Dad’s Weekend is that it’s significantly more difficult to spot undercover police officers looking to bust your 19-year-olds at our campus bars. The telltale signs of undercover cops on a normal night are no longer applicable, because suddenly it’s not strange seeing a 50-year old guy casually hanging out at Red Lion on a Friday night. Take these tips into consideration, however, and you might be able to dodge a hefty MOP fine.

ironed shamrock t-shirt, but on Dad’s weekend, be wary of what these masters of disguise could potentially unleash. There is potential for these cops to strut their stuff in “Illini Dad,” “World’s Best Dad,” “Daddy Likey,” and “Dad or Die” t-shirts on this specific weekend, which can really throw simple-minded drinker off of their game. Nobody expects the guy with a “I Love My Little Illini Baby” shirt to pull them out of the bar and onto the paddy wagon.

The Lower Half: Most dads really try to step up their appearance with their most fashionable pair of dark washed jeans for this special weekend, but our undercover officer frenimies will probably forget this little detail, and continue to wear the standard light wash, straight-legged daddy-Levis.

The cops probably have to wear some nice athletic shoes too, just incase you try to run away, which you probably will.

"Suddenly it's not strange seeing a 50-year old guy casually hanging out at Red Lion on a Friday night."

The Cranium: If home-boy is rocking a baseball cap over a shortly buzzed haircut complimented by a sinister smile slightly covered by a bushy mustache, then you have probably found yourself a copper. Sure, lots of dads have mustaches… mustachi?... but you can usually tell the difference between a cop-stache and a dad-stache.

The Torso: If it is a normal weekend you can usually spot an undercover officer sporting a basic colored tshirt covered by a North Face off-brand zip up. However, on certain holidays these men feel the need to dress up more spontaneously to “fit in” with the crowd. On St. Patrick’s Day you can often see these older gentleman with green beads around their necks and a nicely

The Posture: If this elderly fella is strolling around Joes’ beer garden whistling, avoiding eye contact, and twirling a stick that looks oddly similar to a police baton, turn around and head straight for one of the three clearly marked exits: Dance floor exit, Dickey’s exit, and Corner-gotta-get-to-Fat-Sandwich-as-fast-as-possible exit, because this man is a copper.

Keep yourself in check this Dad’s weekend, kiddo. Try not to black out and ditch your dad to day-smash that random kid you met at block, try not to make out with someone’s tag-along mom, and try not to get in a sticky situation with an undercover officer. Now, go cheers some beers with your daddy-dears!

8. Your Mom Would Want To Come Too Your dad’s a boss. He loves to party and is a ton of fun to hang out with, not to mention he fronts the bill on a badass shopping trip that restocks your fridge for a month. Unfortunately, your mom happens to be an insufferable bitch and spending time with her is about as much fun as driving a pushpin underneath each of your fingernails.

7. Daddy’s Little Girl Isn’t So Innocent Anymore Before you left for school you never touched alcohol and “second base” meant intense handholding. Now your breath permanently reeks of Burnett’s Raspberry vodka, and you have a lost-and-found drawer of the random undergarments that your snuggle buddies misplaced before they drunkenly stumbled out of your dorm. Let’s let dad live in his dream world.

6. Daddy Is a Serial Killer Your dad hasn’t really been involved in your life all that much.

Your mom doesn’t really talk about him, and the only contact you’ve had with him was a birthday card every year. The card’s return address is oddly the same address as the Joliet Correctional Center. Odd...

5. Your Father Is Amish Amish fathers are only going to judge your alcoholic and sexual tendencies. Not only that, but his horse and buggy is extremely lame in comparison to the BMW your buddy drives. When your friends try and take his picture your old man will yell at them for trying to steal his soul.

4. You’re a Stoner (And your room has poor ventilation) Let’s face it; if you don’t wake and bake every morning, you’re miserable all day. Also, having to move your bong to your closet would just be annoying. Sit back on the couch, eat some Cheetos and hope your father doesn’t find the calendar on the school’s webpage.

3. You Dropped Out of School Your grades were slipping and you still spent more time on the couch playing Call of Duty then you did in class. When it came time for you to register for classes the University kicked you to the curb. Well of course you didn’t tell your parents, you just went back to school and crashed on your friend’s couch.

Explaining to dad why your mini fridge and television are in someone else’s living room may be difficult.

2. Your Dad Is Really Awkward Sure your dad drinks. He likes to do it while he sits in the corner and stares at the ground. The only time he converses with your friends, he stares intensely and speaks aggressively. In other words, he comes across like a rapist. If you ever want your friends to speak to you again, tell them your father is dead.

1. Your Dad Is Really Awesome He was always the cool dad when you were growing up. He bought you the booze for all your parties in high school, he drives a Porsche and he bangs super models. So what’s the problem? He also attended your high school parties and picked up every girl you had an interest in. You know it’s creepy, but Jessica, your high school sweetheart, didn’t seem to think so.

Leave him at home or risk your friends shunning you and encouraging your dad to come back to school for his MBA.

Ken Doll wrote this

19

continued from cover story... flavor. Kevin always gives me the luxury selection. I find that a nice Cuban or Montecristo would be a perfect match for such a superior drink.”

Regrettable Roger walks everyone all the way out to Ice House. He accepts bribes from strangers who want to feel up his girlfriend, spills his drink on her father’s shirt, and flashes his junk to the police. “Screw you, whore, we’re going to the Ice House – all my bro’s tell me that only real hood people can go there. Dude, if you wanna pinch my gal’s ass, go for it, just buy me a drink first. Hello coppers, check out my long arm of the law!”

The Morning After Perfect Patrick meets the family in the morning for brunch, arriving separately from his girlfriend. He enjoys a hearty meal of Belgian waffles and bacon strips, while still maintaining the appropriate level of affection with his lady.

“I honestly didn’t even know she owned a bed because I’ve never seen her room before. Does it have pillows? Ah, what do I care, I don’t need to know about her personal space. I hope you don’t mind my holding her hand, and if it’s all right with you, I’d like to discuss my intentions with your daughter before you leave. That is a fantastic tie, sir.”

Regrettable Roger stays in bed with his girlfriend until her parents come to pick her up. He doesn’t pick up his apartment for them or bother dressing himself before letting them in. He complains about the weekend before saying goodbye. “Ugh, babe, throw away that condom – I thought I told you to do that last night. No, I don’t need pants; you’re the guest in my home, how about some manners? Geeze. This weekend sucked, huh? I couldn’t do anything I want with all these old people cramping my style. Shit sucks. (BELCH) Well, bye.”

And it’s as simple as that. Pat yourself on the back if you’ve followed all of my directions and could be considered a Perfect Patrick. If however you find yourself more comparable to Regrettable Roger, go ahead and do society a favor and move back to New Jersey where you belong. They named this town Champaign, not Colt 45, so try and at least look like you know what class is. Oh and ladies, don’t worry about winning over the dad; it’s easy. Honestly, just don’t be slutty, don’t boss your boyfriend around, and have a firm handshake. That’s all it takes. Good luck, love birds!

"I know! It's hilarious when he calls me a dumb whore!"

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the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:

12 planet th

The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do?

12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke.

One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music, dubstep?”

I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it.

TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music?

12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute.

Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”)

But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.

TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats?

12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day.

TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends.

How did you guys meet?

12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends.

It’s always party time.

TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?

12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun.

TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals?

thanks for nothing, thanksgiving Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.

12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now.

It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance.

So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk.

TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking?

12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer; it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugar-free Red Bull.

TBS: What else is on your rider?

12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes.

TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick?

12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day.

TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you wish you were stuck with?

12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times.

Record it on a phone and call it a day.

TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain?

12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that.

TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…”

12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting.

Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough!

TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that.

12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too.

JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS

Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.”

By: Brendan

Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town.

They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.

Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.”

Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.

21

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the interview

Mat Kearney

We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney's latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician?

Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself.

TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use?

MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter.

TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural?

MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day.

TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy?

MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too.

TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else?

MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Summer camp

Welcome to Condale

B+

We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day.

When I think of the noun “summer camp,” visions of running around in a wet swimsuit, flirting with the boys in the older cabins and maxing out on popsicles is what floods my mind. The music that could be the proverbial soundtrack to all of that carefree nonsense is inconsequently from a London duo called Summer Camp who, despite only making music together for about two years, have managed to make their mark on the fuzzy-wuzzy buzzband circuit. And maybe because they look so good with that sunkissed glow.

Welcome to Condale starts off with a great catchy pop tune “Better Off Without You” that sounds vaguely 80s but in the best, most genuine way. The album continues on in a similar poppy fashion, with spurts of interesting interludes like the beginning of “I Want You,” which sounds like the beginning of a dramatic movie scene and continues on with somewhat daunting lyrics and slow-downed techno beats. The British influence on the band is somehow more prominent during the track “Losing My Mind” where both members of the band come in for vocals, providing that nice texture of varying vocal styles. “Down” is another awesome, catchy tune that makes you want to do the running man in neon leg-warmers, like, so badly. Their stand-out track, though, is “Ghost Train” which starts off with a spo-

ken break-up (“I wanna get hurt!”) and continues on into a beautifully orchestrated song that has all the makings for a summer romance. Or a winter romance—something has to keep you warm these days. Either way, this will be a track you’ll have on repeat and be so content about it.

While the album does an overall great job with the music and the lyrics, it could stand for a little bit more diversity. The slower songs come at you like an unexpected wedgie, one that you couldn’t even laugh at later. But what’s great about Summer Camp is their unique sound, and that they own it.

For seemingly ripping off any number of '80s band, this group plays it up perfectly without being forced or kitsch, yet still manages to put a hip 2000s spin on it that is as much refreshing as it is beneficial. To be able to strike that balance shows their legitimate talent, and is what gives me hope that this group will continue to do great things. Hopefully they’ll be back next year… please, please let them be back next year, but with smoother skin and no more braces.

Sounds Like: Summertime in 1985.

Download: Ghost Train, Down, 1988 Listen to it When: The cold is getting you down, and so is 2011.

UPCOMING RELEASES >>> Angels & Airwaves -Love Part One and Part Two Disturbed - Lost Children Cass McCombs -Humor Risk Now 40: That's What I Call Music

Keith Jarrett - Rio Mac Miller - Blue Slide Park David Lynch - Crazy Clown Park Animals as Leaders - Weightless

TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album?

MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gutwrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that.

TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you?

MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally.

TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone?

MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends.

TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose?

MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting.

TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in?

MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in.

I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always.

TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich?

MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.

6 degrees of separation

Know how these two are connected? Submit your answer to 6degrees@theblacksheeponline.com to possibly win a sweet prize!

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A Very Guy Fawkes partyscope Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You have just the right amount of gonads to lead a revolution.

Whether it be government-related, #occupysesamestreet, or a sexual revolution even the hippies would be jealous of, go and be the best Charles Manson you can be! (note: The Black Sheep does not support “drinking the Kool-Aid”) Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): We all just want to be loved. You especially, you needy bitch. But you know who will love you back?

Batshit crazy revolutionaries and/or serial killers! Go find someone who will love your forever, and perhaps who will wear your skin as a dress.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Your incessant need to talk can only help you in one area: public speaking. Hell, if the devil Michelle Bachmann can gather followers, so can you! Go ahead and bitch about tuition and pretend like the government cares.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22): With your constant feelings of insecurity, you would make a fabulous crony. Try to find

someone charismatic to follow around like a puppy (and occasionally have some doggy-style fun with). Who knows? You might even end up in a polygamist clan with your own primetime cable show!

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): You attention seeking whoreface. *cough* I’m sorry I meant “big personality”. Everyone loves you! Which means they’re probably listen to you, even if you tell them to do stupid shit. Try out your power; can you get your friends to break in to your college’s Student Affairs office and wallpaper it with screenshots of one of Anna Nicole Smith’s “movies”?

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): To put it plainly, you are a pain in the ass. You would probably rather be bitching about your life than anything else. So I guess now you’ll just have one more thing to bitch about. BE HAPPY. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): You just wish everyone would leave you alone. Well if your pals are going to try and blow up a government institution, just hunker down in your nuclear bomb shelter and wait for the world to burn. There’s plenty of Internet porn to keep you busy for years.

YEARS. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You would describe yourself as ‘intense”. Your friends would describe you as ‘a raving bitch.’ I suggest finding an Aries, coercing them into sex, and then pretending to be pregnant so they will make you their right-hand woman in their new totalitarian regime. Oh, wait, you already did that once in high school?

I’m so shocked.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Spunky and adventurous, you are the sneaky kind of uprising leader. You have a lot of friends and are well-liked, so just as easily as you slip in “hey, we should fuck” to a hottie and then carry on your conversation like nothing happened, you can start dropping nuggets of discourse.

Example: “Hey man, how about that last touchdown? Our QB really pitched the WE SHOULD SHANK THE PRESIDENT ball at the last second, it was awesome!”

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Always the wannabe, never the leader. Robin, just accept that you’ll always be second best and go find

( class time )

your Batman, wallow in self-pity, and then sleep with a hooker to make yourself feel something after years of being numb to the world. No doubt you’ll get herpes in the process, but hey, at least you’re good at pretending you have a soul.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You are motherfucking weird.

Like, “I read Playboy only for the articles” weird. You probably have a lot of pentup anger, don’t you? Be your own one-man revolution and make a statue of Guy Fawkes entirely out of cheese as a symbol of your angst. Actually, you probably have already done that. Well, fuck, I’m out of ideas.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Get out of your own head.

Seriously, no one spends more time being confused for no reason as you do. You will most likely end up being a sex toy for a cult leader and then try to escape, but will end up with Stockholm Syndrome anyways.

Have a great future!

madam levings wrote these

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