The Black Sheep FR
EE . fr .. lik om e ki can ds d on y y ch ou'l err l s y s tea l t.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 5 10/18/12 - 10/31/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Safety First this halloween, Lady Redbirds! Sevin Ketze wrote this
Halloween is coming up fast! Now, we know since we’re all finally grown ups, there’s a lot of temptation to go out and have the night of Halloween debauchery you always dreamed of. Whether you’re debauching your liver, leaving a flaming bag of debauchery on somebody’s porch, or debauching somebody’s eyes out ‘cause they looked at you funny, there’s a lot of potential for things to go wrong. Especially when you’re a young woman. Now, we may not be completely “in-touch” to all your womanly needs, but this is an important subject, so we’ll try to put ourselves in your shoes for the sake of safety. Every night out starts by getting dressed and ready. Let’s say it normally takes you ten minutes to get dressed and ready. Heck, we’ll be generous and say fifteen. On Halloween weekend, you should double that time. “Thirty minutes just to get ready?” you say into this newspaper like a weirdo, “that’s ridiculous!” Stick with us, it’ll make sense. On top of the things you usually probably do, like lotioning up your boobs or whatever, you’re going to want to bring some protection. Strap yourself with as many weapons as you can. Tuck a little can of pepper spray into your boots. Strap a nightstick to your thigh. Stuff a shotgun into your giant sorority totebag (a handful of handguns will work in a pinch). Don’t forget to think up cool things to say in case you have to defend yourself, like “Oh, I’ll blow you… AWAY… with this shotgun… in your face… asshole!” Probably should cut it off sooner, but it’s a good start. So you’re armed to the teeth and walking to the party, but another danger is all around you - the frigid fall air. Hypothermia causes more deaths per year than pigs, acorn poisoning, and abandonment in outer space COMBINED. Don’t be one of those girls who risk their life just for the sake of lookin’ hot. There are plenty of hot costumes that don’t leave your skin exposed. Like… a sexy burrito, maybe? Hey, don’t knock it, I guarantee every guy on campus has at some point been drunk and hungry enough to think, “Oh man, this burrito looks so good, I almost wanna stick my dick in it.” YOU could BE the burrito that strangers almost want to stick their dick into. Shoot for the stars, girl. Once you get to the party you're going to be tempted by all those super cute boyz. But be careful! In the words of my old Aunt Roxy, “Boys want nothing more than to use you for sex, get you pregnant, and then dump you down the well, so he inherits your fortune through your bastard child.” Aint that the truth. So STAY AWAY from them! Hook-ups usually happen after midnight, so protect yourself with God's own sleep timer: alcohol. Just drink as much as you can, as fast as you can, and you'll be fast asleep before you can do any wrong.
What my new iPhone 5 Should be Able to Do
We really wish Shaq could misunderstand us instead of Siri.
page 3
Okay, don't freak, waking up in a cornfield is a rite of passage as sacred as a first divorce. Chances are you lost your purse and phone, and your friends flipped and told your parents you're missing and probably dead. Hey, I said don't freak! Jeeze! Getting home is easy if you paid attention in school. Remember, the sun rises in the... the, uhhh... fuucckkk. Alright, plan B. In this one episode of Man vs. Wild, they explained how animal waste is a great way to stay energized and hydrated in a pinch. Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize we were dealing with Ms. Prima-Donna “I'm not eating shit, I'm like two miles from campus.” Oh, how
what’s inside
about that, you had your phone the whole time. You think D.P. Dough delivers this far? We’d love something to wash down all that horse piss. We know you're thinking, “I don't need safety advice. I already stapled my vagina shut and coated my neck with Tabasco, I'll be fine.” Yeah, that's what my friend Amanda said, and three hours later she was dead from acorn poisoning. Now she's just another statistic. Always play it safe, and remember the three B's: Booze, burrito, and b'weapons.
top 10: ways to college-ify your halloween
bartender of the week
page 4
page 8
naturally, just add some booze.
Abby from Mulligans is looking for a monkey butler to do her chores.
page two word of the week
Pic
of the
Week!
Guyser:
The urine stream of a man who hasn’t used a restroom in over five hours.
“After downing that yardstick of beer, Rob’s guyser allowed him to pee into a urinal from the opposite side of the bathroom.”
Meet The Staff
campus manager Kevin Setze
photographer Tim Mackey
owner Atish Doshi
Editorial manager Kevin Setze
distribution manager Jason Snyder
Copy editor Alyssa Mueller
Social media manager Isabella Yates
Founders Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Evan Stone
Advertising Managers Anthony Giammaria Adam Fernandez Daniel McGuire
pr/Marketing TEAM Nicole Nesbitt, Zach Devore Jessica Findley, Dori Jones Amanda Steelman, Isabella Yates, Alyssa Janelle, Brett Donaghue
Writers Mike Atkins , Jeremy Ber Bryan Podell, Joe Ruskey Tim Mackey, Kevin Setze Kitty Poker
campus director Brendan Bonham
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 3
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
What My New iPhone 5 Should Be Able To Do Will Holloman wrote this Hello civilization, I’m writing to you from the depths of my cramped closet. I haven't seen the light of day for about two weeks, although I am currently up to date with what all of my Facebook friends did for homecoming, as well as what Yelp has to say about every Ethiopian restaurant within a 45-mile radius. Why am I in this closet, you ask? Well, my iPhone 5 was supposed to be loaded with the latest tricks to make my life completely effortless, but apparently they're not here yet. However, now that it is out, I am thoroughly disappointed. No, not because of the Apple Maps, but because of the other things the Internet promised me. I’ve compiled my research from a few articles I read, so you too can see how Apple left us all empty handed. There was supposed to be a new voice for Siri: A few months ago while I was bloggin’ it up with some techy friends, I came across this sweet article that talked about Apple’s new iPhone featuring a replacement for Siri. Apple had released a statement saying something about Siri being “super out of touch with today’s youth,” and that they would be implementing a better A.I. assistance that served the “diversity of the world” much better than Siri ever could. Reading on, I learned that Apple had hired Shaquille O’Neal to reprise his role as Kazaam from his 1996 movie Kazaam. He was supposed to replace Siri, until Apple discovered that Kazaam would rudely interrupt phone conversations of iPhone users, stating, “Where do you think you’re going? Make your three wishes and I’m out of your face, back in my box and out of this place!” Kazaam was also reported to start up the Sega Genesis game Shaq-Fu, regardless of what app users tried to open.
Where's the hunger alert system?: The new iPhone 5 was supposed to feature a innovative “Preemptive Taco Bell Crave Alert System,” or PTBCAS (pee-tub-cas) for short. Apple stated that this new system would monitor your vital signs through a series of expensive white cords clipped to your chest, neck, arms, and toes. These would sound an air raid siren, alerting the iPhone 5 owners that they will soon have an urgent craving for Taco Bell. Not only that, but iPhone owners would be able to program their usual order into their phones to be airdropped when their craving is estimated to be at its worse. According to a statement released by Apple, the airdrop delivery service has a hefty price tag of $120 per delivery, claiming, “that’s the price you pay for goddamn innovation at its finest.” It gets better: Apple is working to allow users who pay an additionally $3,000 to be picked up by an airplane via skyhook like that one scene in The Dark Knight, and immediately parachute back down to the ground with their tacos. It's lacking practical office functions: I heard rumors about new hardware from some weird Japanese iPhone forum, so after trudging through a swamp of underground Japanese porn sites, I was led to an article that claimed the iPhone 5 would not only be a “wicked-sick smartphone with okay reception,” but it would also be a stapler. According to the article, Apple changed the dock from the horizontal one to this new, smaller (but still horizontal) one that is apparently a million times faster than the older model. Apple made this claim to avoid leaking that they secretly built a stapler into the bottom of the new iPhone 5 where the dock connector is. Apple released a statement saying, “The first few times iPhone 5 users go to press the lock button it’ll be all, ‘BAM! STAPLE IN THE KNEE, BITCH,’ and they’ll be confused as
hell as to how to make their phones stop shooting staples. Then they’ll have to go in and see an Apple Genius and we’ll rake in more dough.” The article went on to state that once iPhone users figure out how to control the stapler function on their phones, it could be used productively to staple things together on purpose. An Apple representative commented, “I mean, I guess it could be used productively (the stapler). But honestly, this was more of an ‘ahahahah you stupid idiots keep buying our products’ type of move.” This is just the beginning in a long list of upgrades that Apple promised us. How do they let these “leak,” and then pull back on them? How can they do this to us, their beloved customers? Surely, these aren’t just rumors started by some 15 year old fanboy. Surely it is Steve Jobs, living in the internet, telling us all to how glorious our lives could be with his products!
The Top 10
page 4
theblacksheeponline.com
Medieval Combat Club Kills Grass, 5-Year Old Girl
ways to college-ify your Halloween
Mitch Vaginapun wrote this After some incredible investigative journalism by The Black Sheep reporters, we've discovered that an innocent life was taken on the quad during Medieval Combat Club’s Tuesday practice. “I can’t believe they did that,” President Al Bowman said, shaking his head in shame. “The fact that anyone could commit such a horrendous act, much less to do so without even feeling sorry about it, makes me violently ill.” Bowman wiped the single tear rolling slowly rolling down his cheek before adding, “Like, worse than after I eat day-old Taco Bell.” Five hours after being debriefed about the situation, Bowman held a private meeting on his executive gunship, which circls the campus alongside many decoys. “Such crimes cannot and will not be forgiven,” Bowman said at an impromptu press conference. “The committee and I have decided to do the only thing that makes sense in times as frightening and unsafe as these. I now officially declare a bounty of a full tuition scholarship for every member of the Medieval Combat Club, alive or dead. It may seem severe, but those are the consequences when you kill grass on the Quad.”
The incident, which was finally visible after the dust cleared and the club lowered their chubby sword arms, left almost 120 square feet of grass trampled. The group reportedly laughed and joked with each other after they collected their padded weapons and walked away from the violent scene (which left at least 2 species of grass dead), completely void of empathy. “It was horrible,” business major Gwenst Afani said of the brutal slaying. “I couldn’t hear anything over the thwacking of their swords and their laughs. Oh God, their laughs. I still have nightmares. There were shredded blades of grass everywhere. It was covering the sidewalk, the trees, and the body of some poor napping soul. It was just sick. How could they not even care that people have to walk on that path to get to class?” Local police also confirmed that a 5-year-old girl, Melanie Summers, had was yet another precious life taken by the MCC. “Something stood out as we sifted through endless blades of grass,” McLean County leading grass investigator Seeley Booth said. “But she proved crucial in finding answers to who did this when we examined the grass stains on her dress.” Police Chief Daniel Anderson declared her the most important piece to this horrific puzzle.
“The grass stains on her dress are definitely from that segment of the quad, we’ve confirmed it with 3 different tests,” police chief Daniel Anderson said yesterday. “On top of the stains, the dent in the girl’s head in consistent with the axes that Medieval Combat Club uses.” Anderson added that finding the evidence-ridden body was, “A ray of sunshine on a dark day,” before high fiving a coworker and declaring, “we’ll get those sickos for what they did to that grass.” One of the few people not actively hunting the club members is Sandra Summers, Melanie Summers mother. “I just don’t see what good hunting them down is going to do,” Summers said of her actions. “I just think we’d all be a lot better off just trying to fix that damage that’s there.” Summers plans on founding a Melanie Summers Foundation, which will dedicate vast amounts of time and resources to finally declaring grass as a “protected species” and help ensure grass is never treated that way again. “The money has been coming in pretty slow lately, so I started selling some of my daughter’s old things. I’m sure that’s what Mel… ody would want me to do.”
Free stuff? FREE STUFF! A critical review of the UPB Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this “First 100 people to come to the UPB event tonight get a free koozie!” Ugh. Not this bullshit again. Some dude is yelling at you to come to a poetry reading tonight in the Circus Room. Between him and the religious guy, we’re not sure which to listen to and which one to tune out. One of them is passing out papers and spewing out nonsense, and the other one is the preacher. I wish there was an easy way to find out which UPB events are good and which ones will suck. Just kidding, they all suck. But which ones will suck LEAST? If you like free stuff/free food, they’re totally worth sitting through. Thanks to them, you can have Tootsie Rolls for breakfast every day. So how do you know which events are worth going to? The ones that say they’re giving out free stuff are definitely a start. It sucks when you go out of your way to go to a UPB event only to find out it’s just a lecture from some recovering drug addict who didn't even have the common courtesy to bring a thousand water bottles. Make sure you keep an eye out for friends to go with. You don’t want to be one of those guys who goes with his mom... but still, it's nice to have somebody to watch your back and spit-finger tomato sauce off your cheeks. Keep an eye out for people on Schroeder Plaza advertising UPB events. Sometimes they give out the free stuff there! They’re so stupid! Who would go to an event if they give it to you right here? Do they know nothing? Unless, perchance, they are going to give out bigger and better gifts at the actual event - like a car, or a duck, or eternal bliss. It’s worth thinking about, while you go on living your life. To be completely honest, UPB people are creepy, in a cult-ish way. Has a UPB member ever come up to you? They never blink, and their smiles stay in a wax-figurine-esque position. Smiling on the outside, burning on the inside. It’s like they get plastic surgery, but their surgeon makes them all look insane. Then they ask if you would come to a benefit for Africa, or children, or Lord Xenu, of course sponsored by UPB. Say you’re not interested,
10.) An Actually Thought-out, Prepared, Slutty Costume: When shopping for a costume, go with something unique. There are far too many slutty nurses, cops and fire fighters, that make us think there’s some terrible slutty emergency going on, like a slutty robbery or a slutty fire. Choose something more unique, like a slutty dental hygienist or slutty Oscar the Grouch. 9.) Beer O’Lanterns: The sophisticated college gentleman or lady doesn’t have time to gut giant pumpkins. Instead, just carve faces into empty beer boxes and proudly display them in your dorm. In lieu of candles, just put flaming shots inside to light your pumpkin doppelganger. If these don’t get you laid, they’ll at least start a fire and get slutty fire fighters to come over. 8.) Bobbing for Condoms: Bobbing for apples is boring, give the game a sexy shake-up! Just be extra careful that no one chokes or drowns - a dead girl surrounded by condoms is never a good thing. Wait until later when you can drown her in compliments and suffocate her with charm. 7.) The Drunken Mummy: Ladies, are you tired of boys making you bob for condoms? You should be able to have some fun too, so try this: Pretend to seduce guys with your friends and say it’s “sooo hot” when guys wrap themselves up like mummies. To really get the party started cover them in booze! By the end of the night you can have 20 guys wrapped up like idiots drunkenly bumping into things. 6.) Vodka Candy Apples: Put a spin on your family tradition! Just stir some vodka into melted caramel and dip in your apples to perfection. A 50/50 ratio of caramel to booze should suffice. It probably won’t stick to the apples, but who cares? Just get hammered on caramel booze and throw the apples at cars. 5.) Haunted Frat House: Haunted houses are a must, but be sure to make it a little fratty. Put a bro in each room so that he can freak you out with his peer pressure and bulging biceps. If a giant dude in a Magic Mike costume yelling “CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!” doesn’t scare you, I’m afraid you’re not human. 4.) Over-the-Top Vandalism: As an adult, people expect your Halloween pranks to be incredibly mean and dangerous, so now’s the time to turn things up. Throw some beer bottles through windows, slash some tires, and give out broken glass to trick or treaters. Candy will work in a pinch, but don’t forget to pee on it!
and they’ll insist that if you don’t go, you are personally killing African children. But hey, maybe they will give away African children key chains with little bellies that you squeeze and poop comes out their bottom! That’s worth going for! We know what these events are ultimately about: Keeping kids from getting drunk. But really, they’re doing a pretty terrible job - they give out koozies and think we’re NOT going to use them to keep our hot beers from cooling off? I wear my free UPB shirts to parties just to rub it in. UPB should just give in and throw a kegger. Just imagine it: doing a keg stand with Reggie the Redbird? Beer bonging with your favorite math professor? Playing Irish Poker with that homeless guy that hangs out at the library? Maybe in the end, everyone would hold hands and have fatal sex with the group leader. It would be a blast! So next time you throw away that paper advertising a UPB invite to play checkers with old people, GO! You might actually learn a little about yourself . Or you might die. Who knows? Happy Halloween!
3.) Never Ending Drunken Corn Mazes: To make your Halloween corn maze is a smash hit, make sure there’s no exits and every dead end has a near impossible drinking game. “You hit a dead end, take five shots in your butt!” By the end, you and your friends should be super wasted and fall out of that corn maze glad to be alive. 2.) Petite Pumpkin Shooters: Make getting drunk a bit more festive by hollowing out tiny pumpkins and gourds into pumpkin shooters. Now drinking in the streets is a breeze! Should you get stopped by an authority figure, just smash your squishy chalice in his face and run. Public intoxication isn't a big deal, but assaulting a cop is, so run fast! 1.) Trick or Boozing: As you get older, people give you stranger and angrier looks as you beg for candy. As an adult you can just go to peoples’ houses and they’ll be obligated to offer you a drink - it’s common courtesy! If they don't, just yell TRICK and burst in through the door. Rummage through their liquor cabinet and take what you can carry. Remember: it’s not illegal, because it’s Halloween!
Scoop Chang wrote this
page 5
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
The five worst people you'll see at the gym Joseph Carter wrote this
Chances are, at some point in your college career you'll try to make yourself feel better about all the beer you’ve drank and all the pizza you’ve eaten by going to the gym. Although you probably aren't going to feel much better after grunting out one pull-up, you're sure to meet some bizarre people that will make your trip to the gym an exciting one. The Hulk: Of course you expect to see people who are yoked and shredded, but this guy takes it to a whole new level. Seeing his veins pop out of his flesh, and hearing grunts and screams as he deadlifts two tons is quite the experience. Most people either treat the Hulk’s workout as a theatrical performance, or flee the gym in terror before he catches their scent. Although he looks tough, his junk is shriveled and deformed due to excessive steroid use... unless the Hulk is a she, in which case her dick is bigger than yours. The Sorority Girl: She doesn’t actually work out. She just shows up in a tight t-shirt that shows off her letters and her cleavage, coupled with some ultra-short shorts that don't even qualify as clothing. She’ll prance around the gym, avoid making eye contact with anyone, and sport earbuds to keep herself from accidentally talking to whatever dregs of humanity would possibly bother her. What little working out she does comprises of her going on the elliptical for 15 minutes (where she barely breaks a sweat), some light
stretching and abs. She may be no workout warrior, but she's super hot... so we'll let all of her shortcomings slide (into our spank bank). The Professor: The Professor comes across like a lost child. He or she will inevitably end up on the elliptical or treadmill, and spend the entire duration of their workout there attempting to avoid any of their students. If they do make eye contact with a student of theirs, they'll quickly avert their eyes and pretend not to have noticed them. For some reason professors are absolutely terrified of seeing their students in an atmosphere like the gym... probably because their saggy bodies can never compare to the students’ toned n' tan physiques. But they'll get their revenge. Good luck getting a job with a D in World Music! Yeah, take THAT! The Grandma: The first thought that crosses your mind when seeing the Grandma in the gym is “Why the hell is she here?” There's about a million ways she could die in here, but the important thing is that she's not in college, so why is she working out in a college gym? Most university gyms allow the community to buy memberships, but the majority of senior citizens don’t utilize that perk due to being exhausted from a lifetime of “hard labor” or “raising families.” The Grandma’s reasons for going to the gym will probably never be fully explained. Nonetheless, she is a burden on all those who happen to be there the same time she is. From doing yoga in the middle of the dumbbell area,
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to starting up pointless conversations about the weather with you while you’re in the middle of a set, to driving her car onto the track. But there's always a silver lining: maybe you can’t get with the Sorority Girl, but chances are you can tap the Grandma... just not too hard. The F***ing Idiot: This kid clearly doesn’t know anything. He goes to the gym with no idea of what to do, so he’ll just try and make up exercises, guess how machines work, and hope he blends in. While it's commendable to go to the gym in the first place, maybe next time they should just do some pushups or crunches instead of trying to run up walls. If you’re a regular at the gym, you have seen at least some form of these dopes. Why people go to these extremes, we can not tell you. We only go to the gym out of pure, unadulterated guilt and shame, so we’re usually pretty blinded by that. If you do look around, try to keep your eyes on the Sorority Girl’s badonk, it serves as both motivation, and a shield from all the other distractions (like the professor’s balls draped over the bike seat).
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Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
Patio Now Open! $3 Pitchers Coors Light and Miller Lite $3 Fireball Shots
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MONDAY
$3.00 Pitchers of Hamms
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
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TUESDAY
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Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$7 Premium Pitchers
Patio Now Open! $4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
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WEDNESDAY
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page 8
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bartender of the week Abby H. Mulligan’s Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever hooked up: Turn 3 on the wall of a dirt race track.
Major: Marketing Status: Single Who’s your favorite superhero: Superman, because Clark Kent is super sexy. What’s your favorite school subject: History, learning about dead people is the shit. If you could fight anyone from history who would it be: Hitler, I’m Italian and Polish so he fucked my people up. Favorite musical artist: Luke Bryan, I could shake it for him all day long! What sports do you like: Any kind of motorsports. I love racing. What would you do with a million dollars: Other than pay off all my debt? I’d travel to every country in the world.
the drinking game
BAC - Tosh.08 Comedy Central has a tendency to play day-long marathons of reruns before getting to the shows people actually want to watch (South Park). If you’re lucky, you’ll turn on Comedy Central to find a run of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Futurama episodes. However, if you’re not so lucky you will be forced to watch a marathon of a naked Daniel Tosh making tasteless dick jokes. Doesn’t he know that’s our job? What You’ll Need: Cans of beer or mixed drinks, whatever you so desire. Number of Players: As many people you can find that like drinking and internet videos. Level of Intoxication: If you follow all of the rules than you should be as drunk as the average idiot in most internet videos. How to Play: Take one drink when: -Somebody hurts themselves in a video. -Something is blurred/bleeped out. -Tosh makes a self-deprecating joke. Take two drinks when: -Tosh makes a racist joke. -Tosh hints at his homosexuality.
Take three drinks when: -Tosh says, “And for that, we thank you.” -Somebody in a video is speaking Russian. -Somebody in a video is clearly almost killed. Finish your drink when: -Tosh is fully nude. -Tosh’s “20 Seconds on the Clock” actually lasts more than 20 seconds. -The word “Reddit” is spoken.
The Game Ends When: Karmic justice comes around and he’s decapitated by Islamic fundamentalists on video.
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What would you do as president: I would just stop worrying about all of the other countries and focus on us. Just pull a Sweden and become isolationist. What’s your favorite animal: I love monkeys, they’re really funny, and I feel like if one was my butler he’d be really good at it and I’d only have to pay him in bananas. What do you like best about the internet: I can Google anything, I feel like I know everything! You’re attacked by a flock of penguins, what do you do: Start wildly punting them, I think I could take them all on that way. They’re small enough right?
Recipe for Disaster
Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies This is one that you’ll want to share with friends, but if you have no friends, you can still put yourself up to the challenge. That challenge being a competition between your arteries and your colon to see which one can get clogged first. What You’ll Need: ¾ cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, ¾ teaspoon baking powder, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons butter, ½ cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar, ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons brown sugar, 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, ½ cup chocolate (dark, for you wild and crazy types) morsels, 8 slices of crispy bacon Cook Time: Approximately 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Didn’t you read the intro, fatty? Let’s Get Baked: - Toss the flour, baking soda, and powder into a bowl. - Whip that butter and sugar good until you get a nice, fluff-like concoction. Add an egg for good measure and go all Devo on it. Give that vanilla some love too. - Your flour/baking soda/powder mix is feeling lonely. Toss it in with the wet stuff. - Douse that sucker generously with chocolate and bacon (make this phrase a part of everyday life). - Let this all sit in the fridge for a day. - Preheat your oven and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Scoop your mix and cup some balls. - Bake ‘em to your perfection for around 20 minutes, and let them cool before devouring. It’ll take a few minutes for the stroke to kick in but when it does, just ride out the storm.
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what'is your favorite movie? "Robin Hood Men in Tights. It’s the funniest movie that never gets old." - Saralyn V., Junior
"Fight Club, because Chuck Palahniuk is my favorite author and I love anything he does. Plus Fight Club freaking rocks." - Sarah N., Junior
"Amelie, because it’s such a wonderful feel good movie. Also it’s French and the French are awesome."- Ivan M., Junior
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5 Horrors of Higher Academia that Will Probably definitely Happen on your Campus, Too University of Georgia:
Penn State: Betsy Aardsma
Anna Hamilton/Susie Caruthers
The Facts: Young Betsy was a regular young English major, and like any young English major she was spending a late night in the stacks, researching an upcoming paper. Innocently using the stacks the way they’re supposed to be used (not getting high in, or having sex, you sickos) she was stabbed through the heart by two men – who have yet to be found to this day. The Legend: The aisle where Betsy was stabbed is still in use today. Amongst recordings and strange reports coming out of current students, there was one student who had been researching books in the same aisle, and later woke up to a strong sensation of being strangled – whether he was just hiding his autoerotic asphyxiation habit or not is up to you. The Fear: Every campus has an old library that for some ungodly reason still keeps Japanese criticisms of Dutch interpretations of Moby Dick around – it’s the never-ending labyrinth higher education. Since the Internet can’t always provide you with streamlined porn and Moby Dick interpretations, you have
your lug your ass to the library stacks. Alone and confused in the dark, you are extremely susceptible to being stabbed and left for dead, as the rickety librarian leads EMTs to the spot she thinks you might be. There aren’t cameras, and no one knows you’re there… better prepare to make it your place of eternal agitation.
Illinois Central College: Crampton Hall The Facts: A university resident hall, Crampton Hall, was built in 1873 - a cursed year that saw Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis receive a patent for using copper rivets to reinforce work pants. Built to house 69 men, this dormitory has a history of men being trapped in closets. This should surprise no one. The Legend: Two reports of similar tales occurring on different dates exist. In one, a young man is found dead in his closet, hanged in such a way that he could not have done it himself. The other tale has several men pre-gaming in a dorm room. When the bros finally decide to roll out to find some hoes, they
call on another bro. Entering his room, the find him tied up in a closet, upside down, naked, and incoherent. The Fear: Closets are necessary for any modern man or woman. Without them, clothing would be strewn willy-nilly across a room that’s already breathtakingly small. They’re a necessary evil— housing everything from t-shirts earned through intramural sport to t-shirts received by signing up for various campus clubs. Closets aren’t going anywhere. Hell, there’s probably a closet in whatever room you’re reading this in right now, dear reader. If you’re lucky, there’s even a naked dude in it.
California State University Channel Islands The Facts: Opened in 2002, Cal State Channel Islands is housed in a series of buildings previously known as Camarillo State Mental Hospital—an insane asylum. This seemed like a good idea to someone somewhere who had never seen a scary movie in his life.
The Legend: Girls have reported being able to communicate with Anna, and many hear her crying in empty rooms of the house or at the top of the stairs. Susie’s ghost is a little more active, as she glares at people through the attic’s windows, walks around the attic, moves furniture around, and turns lights on and off – typical ghost stuff. The Fear: Who knows what history the building you live in holds. You moved in at the beginning of the year - but think of all the prior occupants, all the creepy energies that have moved in and out, slept where you sleep, hung themselves in the closet you drunkenly peed in last weekend. Ignorance is bliss, sure, but maybe you should think about why all your drawers got pulled out, instead of blaming your drunken self. Maybe you should think twice next time you privately masturbate on Sunday mornings – someone could be watching.
Manhattanville College: Marissa Pagli The Facts: Marissa Pagli was killed in 2010 by her own mother after a domestic argument in the staff housing apartment they shared on campus. Marissa’s mother stated she killed her daughter because Marissa was “disrespectful all the time.” Remember kids, bitches be crazy. The Legend: Other than the mother’s vague reasoning, there’s no real rhyme or reason to this murder. A note that explains the motive has not been released to the public, and the family’s life was seen as stable prior to the murder. Out loud this time, class: bitches be crazy.
The Legend: A variety of ghostly occurrences have happened on the campus, from ghosts dancing in the light only to disappear, to ghosts of the crazy and the dead wandering the grounds. Basically, a lot of ghosts doing scary stuff in a scary place. Also, the cafeteria food at this place is supposed to be pretty sub-par. Stay away from the Italian Veggie soup, it’s definitely not made from scratch. The Fear: What’s the point of even eating soup if it’s coming out of a big plasti—Oh, the ghost stuff. Well, what’s terrifying about that is, we can’t prove whether or not ghosts exist; so even though the idea of one is kind of stupid, someone could
The Facts: Two ghosts are known to haunt different sorority houses on the University of Georgia campus. First is Anna Hamilton, who witnessed her boyfriend get murdered, then buried under the steps of the Phi Mu house. Then, at the Alpha Gamma Delta house, one Susie Caruthers hung herself in the attic after being stood up on her wedding day.
just go and be all, “But you can’t prove they don’t exist!” and they’d be right about that, giving them some sense of selfsatisfaction even though they haven’t proven their crackpot conspiracy theory, and the look of smugness that will inevitably creep across their face is just the worst.
The Fear: It’s a cold, dark night at State University and you’re in your room alone when someone knocks. You quickly minimize the pornography on your computer screen and tiptoe to the door. A sense of dread washes over you as you whisper “Who is it?” hoping desperately that only silence comes from the other side. Then it happens, a response: “It’s… your mother.” Slowly, you begin to realize that you’re in college and you’re living with your parents. If that doesn’t make you want to die, nothing will.
the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you? Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-or-treating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advanced would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huge joke. b) Everything!!! c) Pranking people was socially acceptable.
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
GET READY FOR HALLOWEEN WEEKEND AT FAT JACK'S! Friday, October 26th Mathien Live @ 10pm
$2.75 JIM BEAM DRINKS, FLAVORED VODKAS & HEINEKEN BOTTLES
saturday, October 27th Retrofit Live @ 10pm
Three costume contests at 10pm, 11pm & Midnight with $200 cash prizes each and awesome runner-up prizes!
$2.75 BACARDI FLAVORS, $2.75 BUD SELECT & BUD LIGHT LIME BOTTLES
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22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old