The Black Sheep FR
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 5 10/18/12 - 10/31/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Safety First this halloween, Lady Redbirds! Sevin Ketze wrote this
Halloween is coming up fast! Now, we know since we’re all finally grown ups, there’s a lot of temptation to go out and have the night of Halloween debauchery you always dreamed of. Whether you’re debauching your liver, leaving a flaming bag of debauchery on somebody’s porch, or debauching somebody’s eyes out ‘cause they looked at you funny, there’s a lot of potential for things to go wrong. Especially when you’re a young woman. Now, we may not be completely “in-touch” to all your womanly needs, but this is an important subject, so we’ll try to put ourselves in your shoes for the sake of safety. Every night out starts by getting dressed and ready. Let’s say it normally takes you ten minutes to get dressed and ready. Heck, we’ll be generous and say fifteen. On Halloween weekend, you should double that time. “Thirty minutes just to get ready?” you say into this newspaper like a weirdo, “that’s ridiculous!” Stick with us, it’ll make sense. On top of the things you usually probably do, like lotioning up your boobs or whatever, you’re going to want to bring some protection. Strap yourself with as many weapons as you can. Tuck a little can of pepper spray into your boots. Strap a nightstick to your thigh. Stuff a shotgun into your giant sorority totebag (a handful of handguns will work in a pinch). Don’t forget to think up cool things to say in case you have to defend yourself, like “Oh, I’ll blow you… AWAY… with this shotgun… in your face… asshole!” Probably should cut it off sooner, but it’s a good start. So you’re armed to the teeth and walking to the party, but another danger is all around you - the frigid fall air. Hypothermia causes more deaths per year than pigs, acorn poisoning, and abandonment in outer space COMBINED. Don’t be one of those girls who risk their life just for the sake of lookin’ hot. There are plenty of hot costumes that don’t leave your skin exposed. Like… a sexy burrito, maybe? Hey, don’t knock it, I guarantee every guy on campus has at some point been drunk and hungry enough to think, “Oh man, this burrito looks so good, I almost wanna stick my dick in it.” YOU could BE the burrito that strangers almost want to stick their dick into. Shoot for the stars, girl. Once you get to the party you're going to be tempted by all those super cute boyz. But be careful! In the words of my old Aunt Roxy, “Boys want nothing more than to use you for sex, get you pregnant, and then dump you down the well, so he inherits your fortune through your bastard child.” Aint that the truth. So STAY AWAY from them! Hook-ups usually happen after midnight, so protect yourself with God's own sleep timer: alcohol. Just drink as much as you can, as fast as you can, and you'll be fast asleep before you can do any wrong.
What my new iPhone 5 Should be Able to Do
We really wish Shaq could misunderstand us instead of Siri.
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Okay, don't freak, waking up in a cornfield is a rite of passage as sacred as a first divorce. Chances are you lost your purse and phone, and your friends flipped and told your parents you're missing and probably dead. Hey, I said don't freak! Jeeze! Getting home is easy if you paid attention in school. Remember, the sun rises in the... the, uhhh... fuucckkk. Alright, plan B. In this one episode of Man vs. Wild, they explained how animal waste is a great way to stay energized and hydrated in a pinch. Oh, excuse us, we didn't realize we were dealing with Ms. Prima-Donna “I'm not eating shit, I'm like two miles from campus.” Oh, how
what’s inside
about that, you had your phone the whole time. You think D.P. Dough delivers this far? We’d love something to wash down all that horse piss. We know you're thinking, “I don't need safety advice. I already stapled my vagina shut and coated my neck with Tabasco, I'll be fine.” Yeah, that's what my friend Amanda said, and three hours later she was dead from acorn poisoning. Now she's just another statistic. Always play it safe, and remember the three B's: Booze, burrito, and b'weapons.
top 10: ways to college-ify your halloween
bartender of the week
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page 8
naturally, just add some booze.
Abby from Mulligans is looking for a monkey butler to do her chores.