Fre e can...like dy st fro ea m a ling 9-y Hal ear low -old een .
Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/12/11 - 11/02/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Our Favorite Halloween Characters:
Black Sheep Where are they now?
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
callie wrote this Halloween is known the nation over as a celebration of the scarier side of life. Death looms heavy on October 31st, but with it, reincarnation. And who doesn’t believe in some sort of afterlife, unless you use sound judgment and reason in your day-to-day life? Nevertheless, there’s more than just the literal interpretation of rebirth, and in this case we’re talking about life after the creep show. Let’s see what some of our favorite spooky specters have been up to in their postfame reincarnation. Sarah Sanderson (Hocus Pocus): Well your suspicions can finally be put to rest. I know you’ve all been contemplating that final scene from Hocus Pocus for years now; the one after the witches have been turned to stone and then suddenly the book’s eye opens and creepily rolls around. Well, the rumors are true. The sisters are alive. After she came back to life, Sarah Sanderson moved to New York City for love. Unfortunately her dim-witted demeanor that made her the target of Winnie’s wrath continued to plague her in NYC. Her insecurities made her develop an eating disorder and she became a sex addict. Thankfully for her that unhealthy combo was perfect for an HBO TV show… Winifred Sanderson (Hocus Pocus): Winnie was always the plotter of the family, and those skills really shaped her life post reincarnation. Winnie made several attempts at taking over the world and finding the fountain of youth because her appearance was scary when she’s young, and she’d be terrifying with saggy skin and liver spots. After sucking the life force from several children under the alias
Other stuff
Inside
04: The Black angel
get real weird and see it after a NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
of Zenida Jones, Winnie was able to keep her appearance the same. After a few plastic surgeries and several visits to the gym, Winnie looked like a whole new person. She changed her name to Demi Moore and has been shocking people with her Dorian Gray-esque appearance for years. Mary Sanderson (Hocus Pocus): Best known for being the chubby Sanderson sister who chose to ride a vacuum instead of a broom, Mary Sanderson has led an interesting life. Plump and constantly befuddled was not working out as a lifestyle for Mary. She was a lonely 300 year old witch whose only friends were cats she was hoarding in her Midwestern apartment. In 2008 she decided to go on The Biggest Loser and lost 120 lbs. Continuing her trend being on reality television, Mary appeared on hoarders last year and has downsized to having only one cat. As a result she’s gotten 16 views on her eHarmony profile; it may even result in a date if she plays her cards right! Charlie Brown (It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown): Although we've all loved the Peanuts character for years, he unfortunately didn’t love himself. After years of relentless bullying from Lucy, Charlie succumbed to a debilitating spiral of depression. On Christmas Eve in 2006, Charlie took his own life. It was the greatest cartoon tragedy to ever occur; Woodstock hasn’t left the roof of his dog house since it happened.
...continued on page 11 06: your last halloween ever
until next year, and the year after that one.
13: we interview das racist
a hip-hop trio who are, in fact, not racists.
02
Table of
contents
10
05
09
p4: the top ten All the reasons why you should find yourself a farm boy.
P10: bartender of the week Brad is from The Library, and also Ginuwine's #1 fan.
P5: Party pics Don't remember dancing on the bar Friday night? We do!
P12: the 14th minute These famous people make us look like Britney Spears.
P13: CD Review p7: how to hook-up Ryan Adams 13th album We don't tell you which part Ashes & Fire doesn't blow up goes where... that's what the in his face. internet is for. P15: Madlib: worst class P9: monster mash remix ever Made just for you Hawkeyes. Not unlike the class you're currently sitting in, right?
10
The
IN-ZONE come join the team T-SHIRTS BUy one get one Writers | Marketers
Iowa Apparel • Gifts • Beverages • Accessories
IOWA
116 E WASHINGTON ST | DOWNTOWN IOWA CITY | 319.339.7233
free! free! Coolest Designs on Campus!
Ad Sales | Groupies
Great Selection of Girls Tanks • V-Necks • Crews
Soda•Energy Drinks•Candy•Snacks
Bar Crawl • Custom T’s • We Do It All Great Prices & Fast Service
Don’t forget to check out the back!
POSTERS • TAPESTRIES • TUBES • WRAPS • SPECIALTY GLASS • HOOKAHS TOBACCO ACCESSORIES • CHEAP CIGARETTES
GET AT US: IOWA@theblacksheeponline.com
Page Pic three
of the
Week!
think your caption is good enough for page three? Prove it: caption@theblacksheeponline.com
Download Our App! We are so confused and imp ressed at the same time...
iPhone
Android
SEND IN YOUR PARTY PICTURES
For iPhone and Android Search Black Sheep Mobile
pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
seach black sheep mobile
! s m a r g a n A y Sex
Can you guess these hotties?
Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!
Word of the week Internshit:
Air Citric Chins
A Relaxed Drags Narks
Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com
Definition: Any internship in which the primary responsibility of the intern is to get coffee.
Sentence: “I thought I'd be designing clothes for the Kardashian Kollection but all I do is run to Starbucks during this damn internshit."
04
THe top ten
The black angel
Reasons to date a farm boy There’s a reason everyone mocks Iowa for being filled with corn; it’s filled with corn. However, most people tend to forget one thing. Iowa is also filled with boys who get excused from school to help harvest the corn. These farm boys look pretty damn good in their jeans and cutoffs, and for all you city chicks looking for a man to meet all your needs, the farm boy is your guy. Why, you ask?
Hank Mauer wrote this Where did you spend your last Halloween? Downtown? A friend’s party? A haunted house? What about someplace actually scary; what about a cemetery? Fortunately, few of us probably have a reason to pay regular visits to Iowa City’s Oakland Cemetery, but when the leaves turn and the wind starts to blow, the cemetery can start to call to you. The Oakland Cemetery has every feature a good cemetery should have: rolling hills, old trees, rod-iron fences, elaborate tombs, a quiet location, and a children’s cemetery that looks like a playground designed by Tim Burton. What separates Oakland from other cemeteries is the grave of Teresa and Nicholas Feldvert, guarded by an extremely haunted, 9-foot tall, black statue of an angel. Not only is the statue both strangely colored and unusually tall, but its posture is unlike that of many other angelic statues, looming over the grave instead of looking skywards, and while bronze usually turns a dark green after oxidizing, the statue has been an eerie shade of deep black since Teresa’s death. As with anything weird, strange stories have followed. The first rumor of the Black Angel’s supernatural powers surfaced in 1919, several years before Teresa’s death, when a young man kissed that statue and soon died of pneumonia. The Black Angel didn’t acquire its distinctive color until soon after Teresa’s death and burial in 1924, though, strangely, the date of Teresa’s death is not listed on the Angel’s pedestal. One of the more dramatic explanations for the angel’s strange color is that it was struck by a bolt of lightning the night after Teresa’s burial, while others claim that it turned black because Teresa broke a vow of fidelity she made over her husband’s grave. The harshest explanation is that Teresa actually murdered her son from a previous marriage, and that the statue’s color changed as a reflection of her crime.
10) He’s Nice You can always tell how a guy will treat you by how he treats his mother, and farm boys treat their mothers well and want to treat you the same. If the momma likes you, you’re in, and once you’re in with his mom, he’ll treat you like a princess. Now you just have to wait for those government subsidies to roll in. 9) You’re Cattle to Them You can always tell how a farm boy’s gonna treat you by how they treat their cattle. That’s right, I said cattle. Cattle are surprisingly feminine; they have long eyelashes and hipbones set out of their back. A true farm boy treats his cattle with respect. But instead of riding cattle, you’re hoping he’ll ride you. 8) He’ll Give You The Ride of Your Life You get to ride on his John Deere tractor. It’s only during planting and harvesting season he gets to feel that power between his legs. And you have a vagina, so you get the same sensation year-round.
feet will mean death for a young woman, a pregnant woman who walks beneath its wings will miscarry, and any who kiss the angel itself will die anywhere from one year later, to that very night. Do we have your attention yet? We won’t tell you to fill up a flask and wander down to the cemetery with a few friends… but don’t you want to? Do we really watch horror movies just to kill a few hours (or possibly to watch the guy who drank too much and wet himself when Freddy Krueger suddenly puts his scrap-metal manicure through a teenager’s torso)? We watch them because we want to be in, and we can see ourselves fitting in. Sure, it would be great to fly around in a spaceship, or be a gladiator, but horror movies take place in our neighborhoods, in our homes, and on our campuses. Out of the corner of your eye you see a shadow move on the other side of your window, and while you may tell yourself that it’s just the wind or someone’s cat, a little voice in your head asks if it might be something supernatural.
"We won't tell you to fill up a flask and wander down to the cemetery with a few friends... but don't you want to?"
Whatever the explanation, there are many rumors that the Black Angel will curse any who come in contact with it: touching it on Halloween with result in death seven years later, kissing beneath at its
If you’re hoping to be scared, the place to do it isn’t downtown, or even the sketchiest house-party your favorite frat can come up with. The solution is this: take your flask, put on some dark clothes, wait for midnight, and kiss Iowa City’s own angel of death. Last, don’t forget to wear some good shoes because if all goes well, you may find yourself wanting to run home. Even if nobody is chasing you.
www.theblacksheeponline.com
7) They Aren’t Afraid to Get Dirty Have you ever been stuck on the side of the road with a blown tire? If you’re dating a farm boy, you wouldn’t have to worry. Or, if you ever find yourself in need of someone who can sort and load pigs, you’re covered. 6) They Can Hold Their Liquor If you have ever dated a guy with a seriously low tolerance, you realize how valuable a quality this is. You’ll never have to take care of his drunk-ass, but if you ever pass out drunk at party, he is strong enough to throw you over his shoulder and carry you home. 5) They’re Athletic (Usually) All that time on the farm has given them some seriously sizeable guns, minus the ones he goes hunting with. Not only can he carry your drunken ass home, but you’ll always feel protected. He’s a manly kind of man. 4) They’re Loyal They pick out a person they want to be with and stick with it. It’s like picking out a puppy. He’ll choose the one he wants and he stands by his decision because you’re the apple of his eye. 3) They’re Seriously Protective Farm boys are like teddy bears until you piss them off by messing with their girl. He could probably knock out your frat boy ex while holding you passed out on his shoulder. 2) Hay is Their Favorite Smell Date one for long enough and you can bet that they’ll take you back to their favorite hay-filled barn. Positives to rolling around in the hay? First, it smells good. Second, it’s really soft. Third, it’s a euphemism for sex. 1) They’re Sweet Guys They may not buy you flowers or remember your anniversary, but I guarantee when you come home your car will have fresh oil, fresh gas, and the air checked in your tires, just to make sure you can get around safely.
katie lindeen wrote this
Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
S E R U T PIC K E E W E OF TH
View AND Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App!
06
The Last Halloween. Ever.
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Jessie wrote this
This is it. This is our last shot. First and foremost, we need to address the basics: do we want to be slutty? Funny? Cute? Scary? Mainstream? Obscure? It’s all just so overwhelming. Well, given the obscene number of large, sugary, alcoholic mixed drinks we’ve taken to the face in the last few days alone — mixed with our non-existent workout routine — mixed with the guilty, unconscious habit we have to drunk eat an entire week’s worth of calories between bar close and the time we finally tuck ourselves in …Okay so slutty is out. Cross that off the list. Do we want to be funny? You guys we’re funny. Don’t you think we’re funny? Let’s think of something funny… so… this nervous laughter really isn’t helping anything, guys. We begin aggressively rummaging through every single girl’s photos on Facebook attempting to find the perfect idea to steal and call our own. Do you think anyone else is going to try to be a one night stand this year? Okay guys, so we aren’t funny. So wait, that means we have to be…cute. Is that serious? This is without question the absolute last time it will ever be socially acceptable for us to publicly stumble around in costumes and we are going to waste this chance to try and look… cute? Lord, help us. Maybe we can hark back to our childhood. The Three Blind Mice? — Eh, it’s been done. And definitely way too many times. How about three peas in a pod? Decent? But I guess that’d require us to be attached to one another all night? Between our drunken, peanut-sized bladders and everyone’s sketchy tendency to disappear after bar close, this one just isn’t realistic. 21 years later and it all comes down to this. Abject failure. Somehow we survived the years of public humiliation. The times when parents would snip two lopsided eyeholes in a spare bed sheet and call us ghosts. The times we threw temper tantrums and demanded that we wanted to be the pink Power Ranger, again, for the third year in a row. And even the senseless times in middle
school when we were too cool to dress up, and instead opted to dart around the neighborhood like hooligans in search of the houses that were stupid enough to leave a bucket out front. Man, there was a lot of candy corn that year. The hate, love, hate-then-love again relationship with this day has all amounted to this. I won’t even dedicate a second of my time to imaging the kind of costume parties we’ll have 20 years from this very moment. Everyone, literally everyone, will be a cat. Those thoughts are disturbing, depressing, and mildly mortifying. For the sake of our mental sanity this is our last drunken, disguised, disgusted night full of humiliation. This is the end of an era. So needless to say we’ve canned the idea of being cute. We’ve exhausted our “funny” ideas and for the health and safety of those around us, we will stay away from anything tight, leather or transparent. Realistically, no one knows what we’ll stumble out in, in any of the 6+ nights we dedicate to our celebration. But fuck, I’m a senior now. This is it. This is our last ever, ever, Halloween.
07
www.theblacksheeponline.com
SEX
Hooking Up, and the u The Right Way
Hooking up can be delightful, but for all effort we put into figuring out exactly how to get someone to go home with us (“The Rules,” “The Game,” and VH1’s appallingly insipid “The Pickup Artist.”), we don’t spend a lot of time anticipating what to do afterwards. Let’s begin in the bedroom: Congratulations! You’ve just had what was hopeful-
hank Mauer wrote this ly some uncomplicated and fulfilling sex, simply because you just wanted to have sex (we’ll unpack issues like “slut-shaming” and hooking up responsibly another week) and you were able to find someone in a similar situation. Now that you’re staring at your ceiling and you’ve finally caught your breath, lucidity begins to return to mind, bearing with it the eternal question, “how do I get them to leave?”
Unfortunately, you can’t, or at least not politely. There is really no nice way to roll over and say “I need you to leave now.” You can try to come up with an excuse along the lines of “my roommate doesn’t like it when I have overnight guests,” or “I have to be up early tomorrow,” but the horrible/ prudish fictional roommate has been evoked too many times to be believable, and if you’re willing to go out and then hook up, it just doesn’t seem likely that you were planning on an early morning. The best alternative is to go to their place instead (with the caveat that it’s never a bad idea to tell a friend where you’re going), or to ask if they’ll be alright walking home from your address afterwards. Next to sleeping arrangements, the most awkward conversation is what happens next. Does someone call? Do you never speak again? Will there be repeat performances? While rejection should be rec-
ognized an accepted risk to hooking up, and you personally are not responsible for their emotional state, there’s no reason to hurt someone’s feelings without cause. While it’s relatively easy to say “that was great, can we do this again some time,” telling someone that you’re not interested in seeing them again is much more difficult, but ultimately necessary. Ambiguity will only draw out a potentially uncomfortable process, and it is in each person’s best interest to state, in person, whether or not they want to keep in touch. Finally, there is the long-term aftermath. You met this person once, so it stands to reason that you will run into them again, it could be on campus, in the gym, downtown, or even in the airport, but it is more likely than not that you will cross paths. Whether the experience went poorly, or was mindblowingly phenomenal, just treating them like a normal acquaintance is your best bet; say hello, ask how they’re doing, and be on your way. No matter how things went for either of you, no reasonable person can fault you for a making a brief gesture of politeness before going back to whatever you were doing. We all hope that people don’t reveal to third parties what happens behind closed doors, but the reality is that rumors start, people talk, and news about who hooked with whom often gets passed around with more interest than it should. With this in mind, your best defense is to keep a clear reputation by acting as though you have nothing to hide (which, hopefully, you won’t) and behaving in a way that won’t give your partner a reason to speak poorly of you.
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday F.A.C. (Friday after Class) 3-8pm $3 U-call-it’s, $3 Keystone Light & Busch Light, $3 Brothers burger baskets $3 lb. of wings Friday/Saturday 8-10pm $4 Keystone Light & Busch Light Pitchers, $1 Long Islands
WEDNESDAY $1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)
saturday $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)
SUNDAY: Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis
THURS
“Mug Club” $5 Mugs with $1 Refills (Wells, Keystone, Busch, LITs) $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Calls $2.50 Jack Daniels & SoCo Drinks
$3 Import Bottles (9PM - Close)
1/2 Price Wine & Martinis Live Pianist | No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
$2 Wells, Shots, Domestics $3 Calls & Imports No Cover!
FRI
$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $2.75 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $4.50 Three Olives & RedBull
$2.50 Leinie Pints (9PM - Close)
$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Drag Show at 10:30! DJ Nate Dance Party $2 Domestics $2.50 UV Vodka Drinks
SAT
$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $2.75 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3.75 Long Islands $4 Premium long islands $9 Bud Light towers (Open-9p)
Make it a Double For Just $2 More! (9PM - Close)
$3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)
Elation Dance Party $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs
Closed
Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis
excludes top shelf, tequila, and scotch
*All Saturday specials excluded on game days
SUN
Closed
SIN Sunday Service Industry Night $3 Whiskey (7PM - Close)
MON
Monday “1-2-3” $1 Wells, $2 Bud Light pints $3 Shots $9 Bud Light Towers
$3 Import Pints (9PM - Close)
$3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Closed
TUES
Taco Tuesday ($3 AUC2E @ 8PM) $1 Well Mixers $2 Dos Equis pints $3 Tequila Sunrise $3 Margaritas, $4 Patron shots
$2 16oz Tall Boys (9PM - 1AM)
1/2 Price Wine & Martinis No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Karaoke $3 Wells & Domestics No Cover
WED
15¢ Wings & 25¢ Boneless (8pm- ‘til they’re gone) $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 long islands, $1 Wells & Bombs (midnight-close)
$1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)
$2 Domestics $2 Wells No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Open Stage w/ Sasha Belle $2 Wells & Pucker Shots No Cover
09
Monster Mash Remix I was getting ready late Halloween night When my eyes caught a sloppy sight For the students in costume were not too wise And suddenly to Sally’s [Mason] surprise We got smashed We got Iowa Smashed The Students Smashed It was a Pedmall bash We got Smashed At the bar dropping cash We got Smashed We got Iowa Smashed From my dormitory by the river east To Mesa Pizza where the drunkards feast The tools all come with their fratty bros To catch a ride from these Halloween hoes We got smashed We got Iowa Smashed The Students Smashed It was a Pedmall bash We got Smashed At the bar dropping cash We got Smashed We got Iowa Smashed The one night stands were having fun The downtown rager had just begun
callie wrote this
The guests included everyone cool Obviously it’s the top party school
The bars were rockin`, all were digging the sounds Ugly girls look pretty, after drinking a few rounds The athlete-bangers were about to arrive With their vocal group, `The Cock-Sucker Five` We got smashed We got Iowa Smashed The Students Smashed It was a Pedmall bash We got Smashed At the bar dropping cash We got Smashed We got Iowa Smashed Out of his car, the cop’s voice did ring Seems he was troubled by just one thing He opened my wallet and shook his fist Grabbed my fake and said, `Who the hell is this?` We got smashed We got Iowa Smashed The Students Smashed It was a Pedmall bash We got Smashed At the bar dropping cash We got Smashed We got Iowa Smashed
TOP TEN
Reasons to Drink at The Deadwood
1. We are not an Irish bar. 2. You can make a memory in our photo booth. 3. The Deadwood recycles vigorously. Check our competitors dumpsters. 4. Women do the same work as men at The Deadwood. The person checking IDs at the door is just as likely to be a woman as a man. 5. Angry Hour: 4:00 - 6:30pm.
6. The Deadwood women’s whiskey drinking team might be practicing. 7. Sally’s award winning chili is “free” with purchase before home football games. 8. Illinois residents are welcome and appreciated. 9. Sassiest waitress in the Big 10. 10. Pub quiz on Tuesdays.
Six South Dubuque Street | Iowa City, Iowa 55240 (319) 351.9417
10
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Bartender
of the
Issue
Brad
ub canopy club ary Nightcl Libr
Relationship status: Single Major: Entrepreneurial Management and Marketing What’s your biggest pet peeve about bartending? I would say drunk guys thinking they should be served before a bunch of girls. If they were bartending I would expect to wait as well. Best thing about working at The Library (besides those schoolgirl outfits)? Being the sober one getting to watch all the drunks dance. One night there was a guy dancing and staring at himself in the mirror. We referred to him as “The Situation,” he didn’t order any drinks just asked for waters the whole night. What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? Probably Keanu Reeves. By far the worst actor in the world. What dead person would you most want to bring back to life? Walter Payton, the best football player ever. The guy that just came out with that book saying
he is a pill popper and all is full of shit. Have you ever been drunk when you probably shouldn’t have been? Got a little too drunk at a wedding in Montana when I was still in high school, my grandma was the one who had to walk me to the bathroom so that I could go puke. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? This is one that gets debated forever. I would say I would want the ability to fly. Boxers, briefs or freeballing? Briefs, the only way to go. What professor would you most want to engage in a tickle fight with? Blake Whitten, the guy is just hilarious. Didn’t think I can be so amused in a statistics course. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? I would say a baker’s dozen. Best song to set the mood? GinuwinePony.
recipe for disaster:
drinking game:
Kill Man
Snickers Toast
Having a tarp on hand might be helpful for this game, but there won’t be any need to dispose of evidence. Unless something goes horribly wrong, no one dies in this game.
Sure, there’s probably something open at this hour that’ll have a magical aisle full of potent, sugar-laden treats. It’s a block away though, and it’s stupid to walk that far.
What You Need: Some beers and some bros. Number of Players: At least three, but not more than five hundred. Intoxication Level: Not quite “alcohol poisoning” dead.
What You’ll Need: Bread, Nutella, crunchy peanut butter. Cook Time: There’s not really any cooking involved. Fatty Factor: Not great, but it could seriously be worse.
How to Play: -Before each round begins, make sure each player has a beer can. -The game begins with all players opening their beer can at the same time. -All players begin chugging their beer. The first person to finish their beer becomes the “Kill Man.” -Each player opens a new beer, players are not allowed to drink these beers. -At this point, the Kill Man can point to any player at any time, making them drink any amount of beer. -Whichever player finishes their beer first (per Kill Man orders) becomes the Kill Man for the next round.
Let’s Get Baked: -Um, get out all of the ingredients. -Apply the crunchy peanut butter to the bread. -Do the same thing with the Nutella. -You’re done here, unless… -Let’s get freaky with it. Do you want a Snickers ice cream sandwich? Slap some ice cream on that bitch. -Want a Snickers Almond? Chop up some almonds and put them on that bread. -Oh man, enjoy.
The Game Ends When: Someone decides to be a buzzkill, man.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Sometimes you just gotta enjoy the simple things in life. Nothing big here, unless you’re big on flavor. Am I right?
11
continued from cover story... Marnie Piper (Halloweentown): Marnie left Halloweentown after being sexually accosted by Billy the skeleton cab driver. She went back to the human world, but she felt as though she did not belong there either. Torn between two worlds, Marnie struggled to embrace the gift of witchcraft that she had once been so excited about. She abruptly quit her job a few years back and no one in the human realm has heard from her since. It is suspected that she has returned to Halloweentown and just refuses to take cabs these days. (Who knew Billy was such a sleaze?) Casper (Casper the Friendly Ghost): Casper entered the entertainment business and changed his name to Peeves. He has been starring in all of the Harry Potter films and spends his nights terrorizing the students of Hogwarts Castle. His friendly nature was replaced with a hardened exterior and penchant for practical jokes due to his childhood isolation. Now he at least has friends in Slytherin House. Chucky (Child’s Play): Chucky terrorized our dreams for years after we saw Child’s Play for the first time. His dedication to plotting and revenge makes Chucky the scariest person on this list. He is currently assembling a voodoo army of Cabbage Patch Kids. It’s rumored that on December 21st, 2012 Chucky will unleash the Cabbage Patch Kids on society, (as revenge against Andy of course) causing the end of the world. Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands): His story touched us, even though his hands couldn’t. Edward Scissorhands began his own gardening com-
pany and used his razor-sharp hands to prune the suburban yards of his prepster neighbors. A cataclysmic accident occurred one afternoon whilst trimming hedges. Edward didn’t see the elderly neighbor spying on him through the hedge and he unwittingly stabbed her with his jagged fingers. He was subsequently sentenced to life in prison. Today, Edward is still living in prison thanks to the fact that he has shanks for hands. Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th): Jason made us fear every Friday that happened to fall on the 13th of the month. His murders of the Camp Crystal Lake visitors and staff disturbed us in our youth, but thank God it was only a movie, right? Wrong! Jason Voorhees has been a serial killer for years, his most recent attack being on a camp in Norway just this year. He blamed it on politics but it was really just Jason’s sick obsession with youth camps. Jason will continue to haunt us for eternity under different aliases because, as demonstrated in his billion sequel movies, Jason cannot be killed. All I know is that I will never be visiting a camp for children and I suggest you do the same if you don’t want to be met by our favorite killer in a hockey mask. There you have it. Let’s hope some of our modern day firght friends don’t have as much post-fame luck. With Frankenstein locking down the retarded oaf category, there’s really not a whole lot of room for another hulking, oddly-colored, braindead mongoloid to haunt our dreams. You hear me, The Situation?
???
Casper... The Unfriendly Ghost?
come join the team Writers | Marketers Ad Sales | Groupies
GET AT US: IOWA@theblacksheeponline.com
12
the
www.theblacksheeponline.com
h t 4 1 Minute!
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
*
Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
*
13
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Das Racist
the interview
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multi-ethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Ryan adams Ashes & Fire
Lucky number 13 doesn't crash & burn At first glance, it’d be easy to take the new Ryan Adams album, Ashes & Fire, and say, “Wow, this is so boring and so slow; what happened to the Ryan Adams from Rock N Roll? And if he’s going to be slow, why can’t it be like the Ryan Adams of 29?” It’s too easy to be critical of him for when he’s not absolutely perfect, because he’s done such amazing music in the past. But with the death of The Cardinals bassist and the subsequent disbandment of the band, it’s no wonder his latest album has been quoted as, “a study in musical minimalism.” Translation: less is more, and Adams shows us that perfectly. After all, this is Ryan Adams thirteenth studio album, so it’s not like this 30-something doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even the title of the album is something interesting to ponder, preferably stoned and with other Ryan Adams’ enthusiasts; don’t ashes normally come after a fire? What does the reverse symbolize? Someone, discuss with me! But no matter what the title signifies, I personally think that Adams no longer making music with The Cardinals is a blessing in disguise. By himself, Adams is much more in control of the music and The Cardinals added a bit too much of that southern honky-tonk that I just can’t fucking stand. While this album is definitely very slow, very soft and very emotional, it’s great music. Sure, it’s not something you’d want to listen to
UPCOMING RELEASES
B
everyday, but would you want to watch The Shawshank Redemption everyday? No, but you can’t deny that it’s a great movie. This album holds its own with the music, but it’s the lyrics and themes that really take this album to a new level. The album starts off slower than the rest, and it starts to pick up midway through with “Chains of Love,” which alludes to a positive feeling of being tied to love, an awesome metaphor that show that being attached at the hip with someone you love isn’t such a bad thing. In the song “Lucky Now,” Adams sings about growing up and forgetting his past (aw, old people), but apparently still feeling lucky and okay about it; “I don’t remember / were we wild and young / all that faded into memory.” The next song, “I Love You But I Don’t Know What to Say,” ends the album on a really soft, really honest note that you can’t help but appreciate. While Ryan Adams has taken many steps away from the upbeat, high energy rock and roll of his past, he shows us that growing up isn’t so bad. He’s just using his indoor voice more often, with fewer heavy guitar solos. But what did we learn today? That’s right, less is more. Now, shhh. Sounds Like: Sappy, sappy, sappy, but wonderful. Download: Chains of Love, Lucky Now Listen to it When: You’re making out in the rain.
>>>
Noel Gallagher: High Flying Birds Chris Isaak: Beyond the Sun Jane's Addiction: The Great Escape Artist M83: Hurry Up, We're Dreaming
Puscifer: Conditions Of My Parole Drake: Take Care Michael Buble: Christmas Toby Keith: Clancy's Tavern
shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids? TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
can you find all 10 differences!?! Tell us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!
( class time )
Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That person’s gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing
So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.
Meet The Staff! campus manager Cori DePue
Advertising Manager Kelly Zahery marketing/PR Manager Callie Dolohanty Samanta Irey Danielle Leopardo Colleen Froehlich Writers Katie Lindeen Callie Dolohanty Cori DePue Jessie photographer Julie Vujnovich
campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Cori DePue, Cody Fishwild, Callie Dolohanty Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
Find Us At... AJB EPB Phillips Hall Van Allen Burge Dining Hall Hillcrest Dining Hall River Room Pat’s Diner IMU Brother’s Bar Piano Lounge
Studio 13 Joe’s Place Deadwood Yacht Club The Mill Short’s Bluemoose Taphouse Mickey’s Raygun Z’marik’s Mia Za’s
Pita Pit Bluebird Diner Oasis Falbo’s Pizza Pappajohn’s Pizza Mesa Pizza Taco Bell The Wedge Brueggar’s Bagels Breadgarden Market Which Wich
Ragstock Iowa City Public Library Teaspoon’s Telluride Apartments Key West Apartments Michaels Properties The Lodge Apartments Near Campus Pink Palace
Sam’s Pizza Apartments Chipotle G-Spot Salon Red Poppy Tobacco Bowl AND MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747