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Volume 1, Issue 3 | 9/29/11 - 10/19/11
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
WINTER IS COMING!
Molly Carpenter wrote this
Look out, non-Midwesterners. It’s coming. All of you who blanched in horror when your friends told you the temperature can get down to negative 50 degrees, all of you who are discovering the need for sweaters, brace yourselves. A front is blowing into town, and its name is Cold. And it’s not just passing through- it’s here to stay for a long, long while. Bears hibernate. Birds escape. But for us students, there is no reprieve. We must fight for our survival against nature.
winter two-step), or courageously push through the frigid winds, relying on only themselves and the aid of North Face for protection.
It’s September when the first ominous clouds roll in, blocking the sun’s rays and threatening rain. The kids from Texas step outside and remark, “Whoa, it’s gettin’ kinda cold,” while chuckling nervously and adjusting their ten-gallon hats. You see a glint of worry in their eyes, and all they want to do is run back up to their room and grab their coats they ordered online from the North Face, but they bravely move forward in order to blend in with the natives. “Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up,” they think to themselves, for they’ve heard it gets much worse, and if they can’t make it through September, what hope have they?
Those unfortunate people who have never been exposed to such inhospitable conditions have no knowledge of how to protect themselves and their limbs. But by careful observation of Midwestern natives, they can gain insightful tips on how to keep their toes from turning black and falling off. They will initially notice the preponderance of the aforementioned North Face merchandise, a vital component of any student’s winter getup. The necessary items to purchase are the signature black fleece pullover, ski gloves, a sleek black cap, a subtly fashionable scarf, wool socks, a ski jacket that’s not too puffy and boots. Then there are the heavy duty items for those really wanting to go all out: sunglasses or ski goggles to prevent snow blindness, snow pants (which are admittedly a 90s thing, but can still be found under the guise of cooler names related to skiing, because nobody likes wet pants), hand warmers, a ski mask and some long johns. Amazingly enough, all of these items can be worn at the same time.
The cold has no regard for the people in its path of icy death. It chills to the bone, afflicting all with goose-bumps and bright red (or black) extremities. It will soon descend upon the Iowa State campus with an almighty “whoooosh!” and all non-Midwesterners will shield their faces and whimper as it nips at their faces. They will be faced with two choices: either defenselessly stand around waiting for the CyRide to keep them warm with the body heat of 500 others smashed up against them, which will require much stamping of feet and walking around in small circles while they wait (I call it the
After thoroughly outfitting themselves to weather the weather, winter virgins turn to all the other aspects of living that could all stand a little warming up. They will undoubtedly need to send home for that heavy wool blanket made by their great-grandmother that they felt bad about taking initially but now no longer care what happens to it or on it, as long as it keeps them from freezing to death in their sleep. They then will realize their need for hot chocolate, but find they can’t buy any because by this point they’ve emptied their bank accounts. Damn the cold!
Other stuff
Inside
04: Advice for Bros
First, stop being such a bro.
06: Red Light, Green Light
Dating isn’t a game, people. Unless you’re a player.
13: Painfully Obvious Interview Tips
Hey, someone’s got to help stimulate the economy.