Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/19/11 - 11/09/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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they don’t hire you for your gpa... Things You’ve Gotta do in College to be Successful The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Tamara Bartlett wrote this In light of the recent career fairs, it is only fitting that we step back and examine what will actually get you that job. You know, that career that you drool over in your free time. If those interviews with your dream company have remained ever-elusive, read on. Maybe this article will lift you from the depths of your despair and give you a new perspective. Let us get back to the basics and re-examine the goal of this college endeavor.
stay up late and consequently snooze through a test? Did you drink a few too many and spend your night ralphing into a dirty dorm toilet? Did you have to pull an all-nighter after procrastinating? Did you gain weight after eating all those onion rings, fatty? Let’s hope you learned your lesson. Employers expect college students to exhibit all those menacing qualities: responsibility, time-management, moderation and self-control. In short, employers want to hire adults, not hooligans and children.
After a few years at this glorious institution, you’ve undoubtedly changed. (If you haven’t, you’re doing it wrong.) Life experiences and college adventures are forcing you to grow-up, even if you fail to accept that. Reality check: you have a caffeine dependency that you didn’t have in high school. You’ve had to deal with a few years of sacrifices, such as lack of personal space, out-of-unit laundry and no one to tuck you in and feed you soup when you come down with swine flu. It hasn’t been exactly what you expected. Somehow, Animal House and Van Wilder didn’t adequately prepare you for this. Hopefully the mistakes you’ve made, the skills you’ve learned and the insights you’ve gained about your passions helped round you out. May we say you’re more of a man, less of a mouse?
Another valid concern is your resume. Is your GPA the shining golden star you rely on? It shouldn’t be; the pride and joy of your resume should be your passions. (Hopefully, that includes material in your major. If not, it is probably time for you to re-evaluate what you’ll be spending the rest of your days doing.) Is LARP the love of your life? Make sure you say so and say it loudly. The obscure clubs you join and the things you enjoy make you a real, 3D person. (A word of warning: Cuffs is probably not an appropriate club to list on your resume. Unless you’re ambitions are to become a porn star, you might want to exclude that.) So pull your nose out of that book once in a while and do something interesting.
College is freedom from the watchful eye of the parent. Sometimes this leads to staying up late, enjoying brewskies and choosing to go frolfing instead of studying. You can eat the onion rings at the dining center for a week straight and no one will say a word. But this is not all well and good; college kids have a tendency to go overboard. Did you
Other stuff
Inside
04: every girl’s halloween dilemma
show some skin, or show way more skin? hmmm....
My grandpa always said, “It takes C-students to tell the A-students what to do.” (So if you’re a 4.0 student, don’t go into management.) Take that to heart. Don’t stress about your grades, but do have some life experiences. Make mistakes and learn from them. Work hard. Play hard. Do things worth talking about. A degree really says, “Yes, I’ve survived college,” not “look how awesome I am.”
09: Special Snowflake Disease
You think you’re special, don’t you?
13: How to Survive A Zombie Apocalypse
You’re going to need guns, lots and lots of guns.
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Table of
contents
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Fun costs money, here’s how to do it when you’re down to dimes.
A female’s perspective on fantasy football.
Top 10 Cheap Dates
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14
Oh Fantasy Sports
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pants at all, sometimes.
we don’t see around anymore.
Non-Pants Rules
The (Hopeful) Death of PopuHey, it’s better than wearing no lar Music Six artists we hope
Pages 10 & 11 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
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Page 17
bag or a poor douchebag.
for a grown woman, kind of..
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THe top ten
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every girl’s halloween dilemma
Cheapest Date Ideas for the Poor College Kid 10. Beardshear Challenge Want to know how to get your significant other out of their pants? Challenge them to the Beardshear to Curtis run. It would be sort of like Baywatch, without the swimsuits and the hot bods. (Hint: Men, let the ladies win.)
Merritt Rethlake wrote this
9. Couple’s Parkour Imagine imitating kids on a playground at recess, except grown-up style. Instead of a playground, go with your lover and hop around off big walls around campus. Before you go, you’ll need to come to terms with the fact that you’ll look like maniacs. Make sure to bring plenty of band-aids and knee pads.
Sure, you’re so over slutty Halloween costumes… until it’s two days before Halloween weekend and you’re forced to fashion something out of fishnet stockings, safety pins and half a yard of fabric. Costumes for dogs are made out of more material than what you’re working with. Halloween is so easy for guys. The creative ones will incorporate humor into their costumes in order to get away with random acts of stupidity. It allows a guy to run around all night acting like he doesn’t give a shit solely because he’s dressed up like a honey badger. Another guy might hang a wooden block from his pants belt deeming himself a “cock block” and not letting any of his buddies get with any [insert sexy occupation costume] girls. The less creative ones will get tired of dressing up as the cast of Anchorman and aim for a costume that’s much more intellectual – spandex. The 250-lb frat daddy takes one look at those hot pink booty shorts and demands them in an extra small. But it’s not so easy for us girls, is it? Be sexy. Be funny. Be original. Be in a group. Ugh. Just be drunk. There was a girl at a party last year who legitimately wore sweatpants and a cardboard box and called herself a keg as she passed out free beer to everyone. Did guys love that she essentially acted as a free keg all night? Absolutely. Did she go home with anyone? Absolutely not. But all is fair in love and Halloween.
8. Goodwill Shopping Before the next party you both plan to attend, run to Goodwill and pick out a killer get-up. Speaking as a friend of a Goodwill enthusiast, you’ll find some very interesting pieces. Warning: Wash the articles of clothing before you wear them to ensure the previous owner’s diseases are not transferred to your person. No one wants Goodwill AIDS.
stop stressing over it so much. Because while you’re busy contemplating “too skanky or not skanky enough?” he’s contemplating “Jeff’s or Super Dog?” Another easy thing to remember is that the props of your costume can be both your best friend and your worst nightmare. Tequila mixed with your winged-fairy costume does you no good. And rather than fulfilling your hopes of defying gravity, you’ll merely confirm it’s existence.
“Ladies are forced to find the delicate medium between not slutty and just slutty enough that it’s sorta funny but also sexy and kinda cute at the same time.”
Ladies are forced to find the delicate medium between not slutty and just slutty enough that it’s sorta funny but also sexy and kinda cute at the same time. While some of you are thinking, “Well duh, I’m totes just gonna go as myself then! LOLZ!” girls with a functioning brain might be thinking, “How am I going to pull that off?” (Don’t worry. Guys are wondering that too.) Just
Also be wary of the materials you’re using for your costume. That duct tape dress seemed like a good decision when you were taking pics with your betchez, but how are you gonna put that thing back on for your stride of pride the next morning? It leaves you with a life-altering predicament. Do you reluctantly put on his baggy shorts and an over sized t-shirt claiming you’re an Intramural Champ? Or do you meander home, constantly smacking down last night’s tape to your bare skin? If you’re feeling some extra holiday spirit I’d suggest stealing his sheets, cutting two holes for eyes, throwing it over yourself and running home. It is Halloween after all. Trick or treat, rage repeat, check out all my blackout tweets.
7. Hike at Ledges This is self-explanatory. The weather is beautiful and Ledges has some great scenery. Bring a camera and climb some trees, too! Perhaps you two love-birds could go roll around in the leaves. Just make sure it’s a secluded area and you don’t remove too many articles of clothing during the rendezvous. 6. Navigate a Corn Maze Test your directional senses and attend a corn maze. If you want to add an eerie feel to the event, some are open at night. If you want to make it more challenging, bring a flask. If you’re just going because you have nothing better to do, try re-evaluating your life choices. 5. Apple Picking Healthy and fun! There are a slew of apple orchards around the Ames area. Spend a beautiful fall afternoon plucking those fruits off the branch. If you want to make other apple-pickers queasy and uncomfortable, romantically feed each other and make a scene. 4. Finger Paint Embrace your inner child. Spend a few bucks at Walmart to invest in finger paints and paper. Hell, you could even use your class notebooks if you’re that cheap. Then go paint some pretty fall scenes with your significant other. This one is a winner; it shows her your “feminine side,” pussy. 3. Watch a Roller Derby What luck! Des Moines is the home of a roller derby league! The Derby Dames and the Crash Test Dolls have bouts from September all the way through December. Not your average night at the movies, but if you like witnessing old people on roller blades collide this is definitely the place for you. 2. Smash Pumpkins Who doesn’t love a little rebellion? Wait until Halloween gets closer and head out to smash a few pumpkins together! (If you are the victim of one such date, don’t be angry. Just imagine how your pumpkin fostered love between two people.) 1. The Freshman Date There is only one rule: you can go anywhere, but you must be able to get there by bus. So grab your honey and hop on the Cyride. If she really loves you, she’ll look past your obvious penny-pinching personality.
Tamara Bartlett wrote this
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what’s your fantasy (football, that is)? Merritt Rethlake wrote this There’s a sitcom devoted to it. It takes up an entire section of ESPN.com. Grown, macho men bring in their MacBook Pros to bars because of it. Boyfriends go missing for hours at a time to be with it rather than with you. And what are all these things trying to prove? That his fantasy football team is better than everyone else’s. Keyword: Fantasy. This word is often associated with other things like unicorns or fairies, so you know it’s manly. “The draft” (aka the time it’s socially acceptable for men to proclaim what other man they’d marry and have babies with) is the spark that ignites this fantasy fire. Talk about flaming. Guys, I know your heart was with Michael Vick at the draft. You had the highest hopes for him. But where has he left you? Wishing you had chosen Matt Stafford or Aaron Rodgers. Meanwhile, rookies are contemplating why Steele Jantz isn’t eligible to be drafted, and you’re throwing a pity party for yourself as you realize Darren McFadden might just be the one that got away. So what factors contribute to choosing who to draft? Definitely not how the players have done in past seasons or what the experts say. Statistics…shmeh, probably not that important. How tight their asses look in those shiny pants? Absolutely. Why do you think everyone was so obsessed with Tony Romo-no-homo? And let’s not forget about his starting lineup. Past relationships definitely weigh in on the draft. He had a few second stringers before his now starter, Candice Crawford. This left Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood forming a quick friendship after they shared frighteningly similar answers during a game of MASH. Both exes agreed, however, that they were happy so many people had drafted Romo to their fantasy teams because “he’s a great listener.” Another element that goes into who to pick for ole’ fantasy squad is a player’s uniform color and the team logo. No one actually likes the Bengals or the Seahawks. They just have the fiercest helmets in the NFL. Nothing scares a 300-pound lineman more than poor color coordination. And how could anyone refuse the candy-
apple red sparkly pants the Chiefs are modeling this season? The next elements to take into consideration are team props, mascots, and celebrity endorsements. Sure, the Vikings have won like five or six games throughout the course of their existence, but could they beat anyone without blowing a Viking horn every three minutes? It’s no secret the team needs a northern fair-haired man in braids to convince Minnesota that their team is capable of pulling off a win. Tim Allen (and that weird sound he made) was solely responsible for every win the Detroit Lions had during the 90s. It has also been proven that the Buccaneers won Super Bowl XXXVII simply because Jon Gruden was such a young and sexy head coach. When presented with this statement Gruden merely replied, “Sorry I’m not sorry.” As the weeks go on, guys transform into one of two things. The first option is becoming the Alpha and the Omega of make-believe football. They strut around campus, believing they should get more passes in life than Devery Henderson. They’re prone to strike up a conversation with some other random dude with an intro like, “Sup brah. You got a fantasy team?” They’ll nod their head and pretend like they’re listening to the brah’s response (sound familiar, ladies?) and as soon as he takes a breath, they’ll jump in and recap all the sick trades they made and what pathetic strategy brought them to the top. Otherwise fantasy football leaves guys a second option, which brings them dangerously close to jumping off of Legacy. Assuming the elevator actually makes it to the top floor. Don’t belittle anyone’s knowledge on fantasy football. Autodraft is the equivalent of a blind date gone horribly wrong, and taking a bye is more life threatening than week old Panda Express. Don’t worry, guys. Your fantasy, fairy-infested secrets are safe with us. We understand that crying after Remember the Titans “doesn’t count.” We are sympathetic to the fact that “that trade was unfair!” We’ll make confidentiality a full-time commitment. Too bad we got our lesson on commitment directly from Brett Favre.
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Not-Pants and The Rules of Wearing Them Danielle Levings wrote There are many different types of clothes to cover your ass. Jeans, sweatpants, denim cutoffs, running shorts, etc. And then there are not-pants. They aren’t technically pants or shorts, but people wear them on their lower half anyway. The two most commonly seen types of not-pants are volleyball shorts and leggings. Sometimes these forms of outerwear are acceptable, and sometimes you just look like a weather-confused slut when spandex adorns your cheeks. So here are some general guidelines on the wearing of not-pants in hopes that girls stop looking like drunken messes who left their bottoms at a club. Situations in which it is O.K. to Wear Not-Pants: • When playing volleyball: Booty shorts are acceptable here because, well, it’s the standard attire. • When wearing a dress: Whether to keep the cold away or to add a little extra coverage with a short dress, wearing leggings in this situation is always acceptable. • If your jeans have holes in them: Seriously, no one wants to see your pasty ass. • During dance class: Again, booty shorts with tights are standard attire. Just make sure to remember a shirt. • Stripping: It’s your job and you can wear whatever you damn well please (and, more importantly, what pleases the customers). • Sleeping: I don’t give two shits what you wear under the covers. Go nuts.
Situations in which it is NOT O.K. to Wear Not-Pants • BY THEMSELVES: If your ass cheeks are visible to the general public in any shape or form PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PUT MORE CLOTHES ON. (A tip for the ladies, cellulite is clearly visible and accentuated by leggings. Just an FYI. ) • With a shirt that only goes to your hips: If it doesn’t cover your ass, it is not acceptable to wear without pants. There is no fluctuation on this rule. I know you’re sputtering trying to come up with a retort for this point; there’s a reason you don’t have one. • With Uggs: :shudder: • With Uggs and a Northface: ::puke:: This outfit pretty much says “I’m a whore” so you don’t even need to bother with the fake tan, sweetheart. • In public: I don’t care what you wear in your private time, but if your semi-visible ass waltzes by me on the way to class I will kick it all the way back to your closet.
There is no ambiguity on this topic. It is never acceptable to look like a two-cent hooker at the club. You’re a big girl now, and that means that you actually have to start taking responsibility for how you present yourself. If you walk around in public with your cottage-cheese looking ass hanging out of some too-small booty shorts, I will judge the ever-loving shit out of you. And so will everyone else. I may be a satirical hussy at times, but I know my stuff when it comes to not looking stupid in public. So please heed my advice; your social life will thank me later.
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Freshmen, I’m coming for you...THE FIFTEEN! Dave, I do remember your name and I do remember the camera. Thanks for nothing! -Holly Happy bday K-Fel, you better believe we’re re-enacting last year’s debacle, personal shot glasses and all! -Brit Whoever put mustard on my car, prepare to pay...I have ketchup and know how to use it...,Red Accord Jackie, it’s called wine night, not whine night...get a grip and stop crying everytime we try hanging out. -Bridgette To the fool who threw the dead possum on my porch, you’ve got a dead raccoon coming your way. 83, we’ve been hoping you’d trip down the stairs for a year. Have a great Fall. 84. To the ginger whose debit card I lost: Stop crying like a lil girl. –NMP Leggings and Nike shorts, Y’all are an item again? Really? To my Spanish midterm: Prepare to die. If I order a stripper I expect him to show up on time dammit. To the unskilled “drummer” “playing” on Friday around 3:30 pm: PLEASE STOP. It sounded like a 3 year old jacked up on skittles got a hold of some drumsticks and started spastically beating the shit out of his toy drum set. Actually, that would be better.
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Special Snowflake Disease: An Epidemic
You may have never heard of Special Snowflake Disease—SSD for short—but I promise you it is running rampant through our generation. It is an illness worse than HPV and more thought-consuming that OCD. For your own safety, I feel it is my duty to inform you of the types of people who are most at risk for SSD. The Princess Seen wearing pink, toting a D&B purse bought with her daddy’s money, The Princess thinks she is the most precious human on the face of the goddamn earth. Given everything she ever wanted as a child, she grew up to think that the world was her candy shop and that we are all merely the elves who work in it. Be warned, besides her bag, this snowflake totes around low intelligence, opinions not based on fact and rampant use of the phrase “ohmygod.” The Emo Kid Quite opposite of The Princess, The Emo Kid keeps to him or herself, shrouded in secrecy and the latest Hawthorne Heights album. The Emo Kid believes that they are the only person in the world with problems, and their sorrow cannot be matched by even the sorriest of souls. Secretly, they take pride in their wallowing. Having individual problems separates one from the crowd, and refusing to listen to anyone else or get help keeps them in their pristine box of sad, which in turn makes them “special.” The Enlightened One Ah yes, the one who thinks they know it all. They give advice when it is not solicited, they tell everyone their life philosophy, probably involving something they learned while on drugs, and in general attempt to get you to “see the light.” They pride themselves on their higher level of thinking, which we mere heathens cannot
possibly begin to understand. Every drop of knowledge that falls from their lips is like a gift from God, and we should worship their every thought. They most often enlist a cohort who has been suckered into believing the pseudoscientific bullshit. The crony typically follows their master like a puppy waiting for nuggets of brilliance that might escape The Enlightened One’s lips. The Overachiever The Overachiever is pretty self-explanatory; does every activity in existence. They do not do this for grad school, scholarships, or the mere satisfaction of doing a good deed; no, they overachieve so that they can be better than ANYONE ELSE. They want to have the most accolades in an assault on everyone’s achievements so that they truly are a special snowflake. No one has ever outdone them, and therefore they wear the crown of involvement like a goddamn Purple Heart. To make matters worse, no one can dispute The Overachiever because they actually have done everything they purport to do. The best defense against The Overachiever is to merely ignore them when they start to talk about all of their awards. Just walk away, because really no one cares. Do you? If this sounds like you or anyone you know, get help immediately. It might already be too late. But to be frank, you are not a Special Snowflake. No one is. People are different, yes, but there is nothing you do that makes you “better” than anyone else. I am not discounting your individuality and achievements, however when you begin to put yourself on a pedestal that’s when people start to hate you. Start accepting that fact and maybe society won’t eat you alive.
09 Danielle Levings wrote this
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Bartender of the Issue
Lucas Droessler - Fuji Relationship: Taken Major: Advertising/Psych Nickname: Caveman, due to his beard in 8th grade and Wildman for, well, being wild. Favorite Drink: Cucumber Martini Dare Shot: Cement Mixer, Bailey’s and Lemon Juice held in your mouth until it curdles Favorite Girls sport to watch: Gymnastics, it is both shocking and surprising. If you were to make a shot called The Black Sheep what would be in it: Pimms and Chambord Are you coming to The Black Sheep’s homecoming tailgate: Of Course!
drinking game:
teeth
The infamous film, Teeth, needs no introduction. It’s popular among stoned high school kids with vagina obsessions and dental hygienists who are horrified at the thought of teeth being subjected to the horrors of down below. But now, thanks to alcohol, this film can be enjoyed by anyone! Number of players: Two. You can play by yourself, but that would be really awkward if your mom walked down into the basement and caught you watching Teeth alone. What you need: The DVD Teeth, shot glasses, and Pinnacle Marshmallow (To play on the vagina theme, you pussy). How to play: - Put in the movie! (They key is to decipher whether it is VHS or DVD. Proceed accordingly). - Every time the word “vagina” is said, you must take a half shot (I say half shot because vagina is used liberally in this movie. I’m looking out for you!). - Every time you watch an appendage get bitten off by Dawn’s vag-chompers (I wonder if she got braces on those things…) you must chug a mixed drink for the entire duration of the injured person’s dramatic bloodcurdling screaming. - If at any point in time a viewer hides his or her eyes from the graphic images of severed genitals, they must take a full shot, because that’s super embarrassing. - Any time you roll your eyes at Dawn’s blatant innocence take another half a shot. Honor code here folks, but seriously – who is this girl kidding? The Game Ends When: The movie does.
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How much can you bench: 3 Avatars. Favorite Dance move to pull off: Michael Jackson kick with a flash. Who would you go gay for: Bradley Cooper, because of his hair and charm. Favorite Dubstep track: “Cracks” by Flux Pavilion What will you be for Halloween: Toss up right now between Peter Pan and the kid from Where the Wild Things Are. Any hidden talents: Singing Opera, ping pong and foosball. What is your go to drinking game: Magic tricks, there’s no game to it. Any Shout outs: To my PKP Boys
recipe for disaster:
Nacharido
Legend has it that in 1995, a wise, old luchador named Adalberto Montoya attended a Phish concert in Mexico City. When he wasn’t wooing women in the ring and making piñatas for his niños, he loved to cook. At the concert, several kids recognized Adalberto and begged him to fill their stomachs with some paella or enchiritos. You see they had been smoke La Marijuana. Up to the challenge, Adalberto gathered all of his supplies and created El Nacharido. What you need: Nacho chips, huge flour tortillas, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapeños, lettuce, pizza rolls, ground beef, liquid cheese, onions, tomatoes, chicken fingers, guacamole, and Taco Bell packets. Health Content: The calories might be as hefty as your grocery bill, but it’ll be worth it! Directions: - Cook ground beef in a hot pan on the stove until all of the pink is gone. - Stick frozen chicken fingers and pizza rolls in the oven for about 15 minutes. - Layer chips on a huge pan and melt the variety of cheeses on them. - Next, once the cheese is melted layer the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, beef, jalapenos, sour cream, guacamole, chicken fingers, and pizza rolls onto the nacho chips. - After everything is all layered, roll everything into huge tortillas and cover them in Taco Bell sauce. Now you have yourself a crazy nacho-burrito that all your friends will be jealous of… until you puke it up moments later.
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s l a i c e p s t a e Gr all week!
how to survive a zombie Apocalypse Chris Biagini wrote this It’s Friday morning, it is clear you went barhopping last night and you are struggling to remain awake in your 9a.m. lecture. Things suddenly become more interesting when your teacher, whose bushy, white beard once made you believe he was secretly Santa Claus, starts oozing God-knows-what, looking more like something out of Shawn of the Dead. Oh shit, though you feel like a zombie, this crusty old bastard is a zombie. What do you do? You run, that’s what you do.
bly won’t be decent with a gun, won’t be able to stare a zombie in the face and will only distract your eyes from where they should be looking. Reach out to your best friends first. They are either your best friends for a reason or you have terrible taste in the living. After putting that unlimited text plan to good use, establish an easily defendable meeting place. It is important to avoid locations with lots of entrances because the undead could enter from all over the place. At the same time, going somewhere with limited exits could get you in a heap of trouble if you need a speedy escape from that blonde that used to be your crush until she wanted to crush your brains…and the rest of you. Zombies don’t just eat brains, you know.
“Do not ask someone for help simply because they are attractive.”
Bust your ass to the nearest door and head straight to the Armory. I mean, it’s called the Armory for a reason, right? You better hope so, because surviving what will soon be a zombie horde of frat boys and hipsters requires some serious firepower. After finding some weapons, which will most likely involve asking someone for directions, you’ve completed step one. Now it’s time to load up on ammo and get a move on. Since most undergrads aren’t sensible enough to maintain large stashes of food, you are going to need to stock up. Now is not the time to empty your pockets. Rules are meant to be broken; now more then ever. Should you stumble upon a vending machine, break it. And be smart about this; don’t just punch the glass. You have a gun now, so use it. Grab all of the goodies you can and keep going. Next, you better call some buddies because no one can take on a zombie onslaught alone. This isn’t a movie or a game; don’t gamble with your life. Be careful who you ask for help, you don’t want someone else getting you killed. Do not ask someone else for help simply because they are attractive. They proba-
Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi (9pm-1am) White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-midnight) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)
Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws • $3.50 All Craft / Imports Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar
d Bar
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By this point, hopefully you’ve established a safe house that is a little secluded and definitely not a dorm. The dorms are dead to you now; you must never go back there again. Imagine it, a large building with narrow hallways and dozens of open doors (because who keeps their door shut ? This is an undesirable place to be, don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. Resist the urge to “rescue” your iPod, your new $100 shoes you won’t wear because you’re afraid of scuffing them or any other material things that you think you can’t live without. Believe me, you can. Now you have all the essentials that will keep your head on your shoulders and not in a zombie’s stomach. It is up to you whether or not you live to fight another day. good luck. Oh, and next year is 2012, so should you survive you’ll have to do it all again.
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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the
popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.
drake
mumford & sons
lmfao
Artist: Drake Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise. Artist: Mumford & Sons Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Artist: LMFAO Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.
katy perry
dropkick murphy's
bassnectar
Artist: Katy Perry Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.
Artist: Dropkick Murphys Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.
Artist: Bassnectar Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.
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Dan Whitford of Cut Copy
the interview
The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing. TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things
CD REVIEW
Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin Tape Club
And we still really love Boris Yeltsin. The midwestern indie pop group Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin has got to be one of the most unappreciated groups in all of music, ever. Okay, maybe not ever, but they definitely deserve more praise then they receive. They started playing music together in high school, way the hell back in 1999, and released their first album Broom in 2005 and have continued to generally put out upbeat, quality tunes. Their 4th studio album, Tape Club, is no exception. Interestingly enough, the 26-track long album features nearly half of the Gwyn & Grace EP that was actually put out by the guys years before Broom. The 7-track Gwyn & Grace EP is a whole other subset of awesome for SSLYBY, so it was a surprise for me to hear some of those songs re-done on their latest album, finally showing off some of their amazing hidden songs from way back when. The album starts off with a rendition of William Blake’s poem, “The Clod and the Pebble,” and the track is just as poignant and beautiful as the poem itself. The album continues to go on with Gwyn and Grace re-masters snuck in every so often but with plenty of solid new material
Out Now
A-
as well. “Sweet Owl” is a great, quintessential SSLYBY song — soft, whispering vocals with familiar, catchy background music. “Half-Awake (Deb)” is another awesome track that is upbeat and poppy but without the annoyance of trying to be too poppy (circa most of their songs from Let it Sway). The Wilmington demo of “Dead Right” from their album Pershing was another surprisingly great remix of an old song, performed in a refreshing new key and with slight variations that make the song sound like new. Though SSLYBY dropped the ball on their previous studio release, they are back at it and as good as ever with Tape Club, adding to their collection of classic albums. I can only hope that these guys start to get more credit then they deserve, while still secretly hoping they stay underground to continue making awesome music. Sounds Like: A really awesome secret that you don’t mind keeping to yourself. Download: The Clod and the Pebble, Sweet Owl, Back in the Saddle Listen to it When: You want to walk around in your undies, or get it on, either way.
across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.
jess sommers wrote this
chris wrote this Regardless of what you may think, your possessions define you. If you don’t want to look good, you’d just walk around in soiled white t-shirts every day. If you don’t care about smelling nice, you wouldn’t wear perfume, much less deodorant. And if you don’t care at all about what you look like behind the wheel, why did you sob openly when your parents bought you that banana yellow 1987 Buick Century for your 16th birthday? Oh, you care. So what does your miracle whip say about you? No Car: Your miserable existence can be summed up in one word: “please.” You’ll use this word whenever you interact with anyone and everyone with four wheels. And every time one person says “yes”, two will say “no.” Once they walk away after you’ve dropped to your knees and begged; you have to consider your other options. There’s the bus, but no one wants to suffer through another Cy-Coaster experience. Whether you’re sitting next to the “Chatty Cathy”, that guy that should really just have a whole row to himself or that dude that may or may not be awake or even alive, your bus trip will be horrible. A bike would be a good option; until snow and ice menacingly cover the sidewalks to take out oblivious pedestrians. From late November to late March, you are risking your life every time you sit your ass on a bike. You will wince every time you hit the brakes over black ice and every time you manage to make it home alive, you increase your chances of dying during your next ride. Sadly, you better just stick to your feet. If you run you can at least appear to be in shape. The Beater: Not only do you not give a shit about your car, but you don’t give a shit about anything. Honestly, the only thing bigger than your ego is that new dent on your bumper. People are smart enough to not mess with you on the road because they know you are more than willing to further sacrifice your car for revenge. You won’t mind driving them off the road because you wouldn’t even notice a few new scratches anyway. The Muscle Car: The only thing more obnoxious than having to hear your 300 horses fly down the street is watching them blow through a stoplight. It is actually fiscally and environmentally irresponsible to own your
car. It sucks gas faster than you chug beer and it has zero handling, so every time you try to fly around a corner, you have a higher chance of hitting a tree. The only thing this car is good at is driving in a straight line. Do the world a favor and stop wearing a seatbelt. The Luxury Car: Your education is paid for, you’ve never lived on campus and it is so rare for you to actually attend class that you don’t even know where you should go if you wanted to. You spend your summers “working” at internships your parents got for you and tanning by the pool at your lake house. You don’t drink beer (but you definitely drink) and your closet has been filled with nothing but brand name clothing. Your entire life you have known all of the same people and had all of the same friends. To the dismay of everyone you knew in high school, you will succeed in life. The Sports Car: If you had less cash in your bank account, you would own a muscle car, but luckily your parents love you. You have some of the comforts of a luxury car along with the speed of a muscle car. Women adore you and men want to be you. You think you are the most interesting man in the world, but really you’re just a business major. Literally Any Volvo: Your parents care about you enough to want you to live. They got you the safest car they could find, knowing you aren’t a safe driver. You wanted something fast and stylish; something German. What you got was an expensive, metal box with wheels that is rated average in every car category except safety ratings. Even though Sweden is geographically close to Germany, this is not even close to a BMW. Try again when you get a real job. Maybe you didn’t exactly pay for the car you drive with your own money, which would mean it’s not yours, and it doesn’t define you. Wrong again, boy-o! It’s a perfect sign that you’re a serious deadbeat. Now enjoy the ride before you’re forced to buy a Kia with your post-college starting salary. Then all your ride is going to say is, “I owe money to everyone.”
See, you're so intrigued, you're reading sideways. Anyway, want to join our team and be a part of the funniest publication in town? We're looking for writers, distribution helpers, ad sales, groupies and marketers, and it could be you (but not your roommate, you know why). Email us at IowaState@theblacksheeponline.com!
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16
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I love you like a love song
Adam carver wrote this
I haven’t watched the Disney channel in years. The last time I did, I was trapped inside a hotel room watching Hannah Montana and Suite Life on Deck with the closed captioning on and volume off, drinking what was left of my Bud Light stash and listening to Nine Inch Nails’ album The Slip. Called the weirdest thing I’ve ever done, I found out that day that I had effectively grown out of Disney (and Nine Inch Nails is still awesome). But that same year, the latest Disney singer/actress/multi-hyphenate was just exploding onto the Scene. It was none other than Ms. Selena Gomez and her band (the Scene, that’s why I capitalized it in the previous sentence. Get it?!). She was emerging as the answer to Miley’s wiley antics.
a girl who could sing and came from Disney’s revolving door of talent without having issues (only Hilary Duff was able to do this previously). Using Wizards of Waverly Place to warm her way into your kids’ hearts, Selena showed she could do it all and maintain a G-rated image just like superstar Taylor Swift.
A few months ago, the new queen of teen-pop made her transition from just another Disney product to dance floor diva with her third album in as many years. Released a week before her latest big screen role Monte Carlo, she took over the pop mantle (while leaving room for Britney) and effectively erased Lindsay Lohan’s entire music career. Overshadowing the tired Miley Cyrus and shock-diva Gaga, Selena Gomez became the biggest thing since Lizzie McGuire was cancelled.
I admit I’ve been a fan since I got hooked on “Naturally” as it hit the radio. But being a fan of such a talented multi-hyphenate has its downfalls. Many fellow males find my enjoyment of her music alarming, especially since I bought and regularly wear my Selena Gomez hoodie around campus. They attempted to make jokes, but sadly, the joke was on them. To every close-minded person, I was talking the merits of Selena and Miley and the whole Disney music machine with two attractive people. It was a conversation starter, a shared interest and ability for me to talk to new people. The haters laughed, and yet I was doing exactly what they wanted to do, talking to attractive people and making friends.
What, you didn’t know all this? Well obviously you haven’t seen her video for “Naturally” from her first album, Kiss & Tell. With a concept oddly reminiscent of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army” video, she announced her arrival to pop music. Thank God. People like me were tired of feigning acceptance of Miley and Gaga repeating the same concepts for every song. Here was
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So, that’s what got her to the stage, this past summer she went for broke. On top of releasing the killer record (When the Sun Goes Down- buy it!), she starred in Monte Carlo and began dating the most loved and hated child in music today, Justin Bieber. From there, she has gone nowhere but up, effectively becoming the biggest Latin pop star since J.Lo.
So, next time you feel the need to illegally download an album (even though you would never admit to doing so), get yourself some Selena Gomez and the Scene. It’s good and good for you.
E R E H G U B R O L O C E H GET T ZINE) MAGA (AS SEEN IN VOGUE
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Can you solve the riddle? If so, email us at riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!
the black sheep partyscopes Aries (March 21 - April 19): 8 Your feisty personality pretty much guarantees that you will be causing trouble this weekend. Keep an open mind when you get a sexy proposition. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): 7 Your penchant for material objects is beginning to overwhelm you, isn’t it? Thinking about prostituting yourself for a little extra cash, are we? Instead of hooking, try to find yourself a nice sugar daddy or cougar to satisfy your monetary needs (but not your primal ones). Gemini (May 21 - June 21): 9 Many are envious of the balance you seem to be able to maintain in your life. To fully embrace your sense of duality, try something different this month. Two guys are always better than one, right? Cancer (June 22 - July 22): 6 Your sentimental side will be making a stronger appearance right around the end of October. For girls, let him try that thing he keeps mentioning when drunk... you know...it shows you care. For guys, try a little more cuddling afterwards.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): 4 With your charm and good looks, you generally have no problems in the realm of dating. However, you might run into a little snafu in the beginning of November. I suggest a little less hair gel and/or fake tanner. Trust me on this one; no one wants to bone Snooki (except for Vinny. SNAP).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - December 21): 6 You exude positive energy and enthusiasm wherever you go. However, lately someone close to you has been trying to bring you down. Verbally bitch slap them, flip your hair and walk away, honey.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): 7 Normally you are rather soft-spoken and delicate in social situations. However, a chance for you to get a little notoriety in the awesome department will arise very soon. Run with it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): 7 Why so serious? You’ve been thinking too much about the future lately. Try to focus on the present and perhaps a sexy present will unwrap itself for you.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): 6 Your knack for cooperation will come in handy this month, when two of your best friends get into a fight. Try to keep them from slapping the shit out of each other. If you can’t, you know how to reach the cops.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): 6 Been feeling a little bipolar as of late? It’s probably because you are. Center yourself with a little Tai Chi or Kama Sutra. Namaste, sex panther.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): 9 Though you would hardly let anyone know, you are really a closet freak. You spend hours contemplating your fantasies. Lucky for you, Halloween is the perfect time to find someone as devilish as you. Break out the whips and chains, tiger!
Meet The Staff! Advertising Manager Averi Tjarks
Leanna Hasenmiller Liz McDonough Merritt Rethlake Michael Glawe Molly Carpenter
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Marketing Team Lauren Etscheidt
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campus manager Brian Skalak
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( class time )
Find Us At... Every Fraternity | Every Sorority | All Greekland Apartments | All Campustown Apartments | Battles BBQ | Keg Shop | Hy Vees | Family Video | US Bank Marty’s Barber Shop | All Dorms | Little Taipei | Tattoo Shops | Jeff’s Pizza The Grove | Dogtown | T Galaxy | Mr. Burrito | Angies kitchen | Pizza Pit Pita Pit | Fighting Burrito | 20/20 | AJs market | Singer Station | Es tas Kosama Corner Pocket | Olde Main | DGs Tap House | Hair Mechanix West Towne Pub | Welch Ave | Headliner | Studio X Bins Coming Soon For Everywhere on Campus!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): 7 You feel at home around the water due to your fish sign. Find a shower or a bath and a partner, and explore the, erm, wonders of the deep. It will be a riveting new experience for you. Never be afraid to get wet.
Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com or apply online!
SPEND OCTOBER AT THE NEW PROJECT 20/20! THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20TH Sun Drop Party
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21ST Homecoming Party
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22ND
Texas/Homecoming Party
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27TH
Breast Cancer Pink Party
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29TH
Boobash, DJ Fito | $3.00 Rum and Cokes
MONDAY, OCTOBER 31ST
Halloween Masquerade | $2.00 Drinks
DAILY SPECIALS
TWENTY TWENTY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SATURDAY
$0.50 Drinks til Midnight
$1.00 Drinks til Midnight
$3.00 Captain and Coke
$3.00 Jack Daniels
PROJECT 20/20 /// BISTRO + CLUB + LOUNGE 2424 Lincoln Way | Ames, Iowa