Iowa State - 11/9/11 - v01i05 by The Black Sheep

Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/09/11 - 11/30/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Mascot Identity Crisis Molly Carpenter wrote this None of us like to admit it, but here at Iowa State we’re all harboring a certain amount of mascot conflict within ourselves. I’m talking about that moment of hesitation when you’re about to cheer for your team, but suddenly can’t decide whether to shout “Go ‘Clones!” or “Go Cards!” You pick one quickly enough, but that moment of indecision has left you feeling uneasy. There’s nothing to be done about this; if the administration wanted to amend this mascot identity crisis, they would have done so by now. But why, you might ask yourself, do we call ourselves the Cyclones, yet allow an enthusiastic young man to dance around on the field in a cardinal costume? The official excuse states that a cyclone doesn’t make a good costume, but I refuse to accept such a pitiful justification. We can do better than that! Therefore, I took it upon myself to conduct extensive research into the history of this esteemed institution. I searched for the real reason behind this quandary, and found out, not to my surprise, that there’s a story behind all this. A story much bigger than you or I would dare to imagine. Prepare yourself for the dirty, dirty truth. The year was 1865. Iowa had experienced an unusually high number of tornadoes that year, or ‘cyclones,’ as they called them back in the day. The Iowa State football team defeated Northwestern, and it was a newspaper that first referred to the players as ‘Cyclones,’ setting into motion the fantastical series of events to soon follow. It all seemed perfectly innocent, until I did a little meteorological research, and discovered… the number of tornadoes that struck Iowa that year was a perfectly ordinary figure in relation to previous years! Why, then, would a newspaper think to compare the team to a tornado? Why not a tidal wave, or a raging bull? The answer is very simple: They didn’t think. Somebody was hiding behind the scenes of history, whispering into that newspaper editor’s ear, “cyclones-cyclones-cyclones…” Who was it that did the deed? Why, it was none other than current Iowa State president William M. Beardshear. Here comes the explosive truth: It all started in the late 1860s, Beardshear’s college years. One night, after losing a bet to his roommate Joey,

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Inside

04: The Art Form of the Dorm Storm

How to remind a frosh that he still needs to stay in his place.

Beardshear was forced to promise that his first-born child would be named Cyclone. This might seem strange, but the 1860s were a crazy time, and “Cyclone” was actually an acceptable name back then, a kind of pre-hippie ‘tardspeak name of the 1800s. Normally such a promise would be frivolous joke to forget about, but, unfortunately for Beardshear, Joey turned out to be a very unforgiving man who took promises very seriously. He was the kind of guy who lived outside the law, a holster and gun around his waist. The years went by, and Joey grew impatient, anxiously waiting for Beardshear to get married and have a child. Soon the men were in their forties, and it became clear to Joey that Beardshear was just not the marrying type, doomed to remain stag forever (He had oddly shaped sideburns). Joey wouldn’t let Beardshear off the hook that easily, however. One night Beardshear was working late in his office at ISU, and Joey, who had been waiting behind the draperies for the perfect moment, finally snuck up behind him and put a gun to his head. In what I imagine must have been a sinister voice, he told Beardshear, “Since you ain’t never gonna have kids, you’ll just have to make this school’s mascot the Cyclones. Haha!” Joey then did the thing with your fingers where you point to your eyes, then point to the other person’s eyes, and was gone. Beardshear wept, for he could not seriously propose that the mascot be a cyclone! The shame, the ridicule! But then he thought of a plan. A very sneaky plan. One that would require him to change the weather of central Iowa. Now that the idea of having a cyclone mascot made sense, there was just the problem of the costume. Everybody would just think it was an ice cream cone. Beardshear hired the best and brightest costume designers to try to overcome this problem, but every single one simply refused to give it a shot. “It is impossible!” shrieked one woman as she stormed out. Beardshear wept bitterly for days on end. Luckily, Joey, peaking in Beardshear’s window, saw the pitiful state of his old roomie and decided to take pity on him, allowing a compromise to suffice. The rest, as they say, is history.”

09: The Disney Princesses of College Jasmine was so yesterday, she’s barely even sexy anymore.

14/15: the black sheep interviews:

Double trouble with Mat Kearney and 12th Planet!

Table of

contents

Pg4: top 10 “Going Out” Outfits

Pg7: halloween party pics We really hope Quailman found the Loofah Girl Pg9: Let’s Ace That Final A history of history’s greatest finals cheaters.

Pg10/11: the bar grid See where you can save on drinks so you can go buy yourself more...drinks?.

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Definition: Any movement that promotes equal rights for cross-dressers and transvestites. Sentence: “RuPaul’s Supermodel was a seminal moment in the Hegalitarianism movement.”

THe top ten

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“Going Out” Outfits Living in Ames allows us to witness a multitude of styles – especially on the weekends. Whether you’re at the bars on Welch, a frat castle or one of our fine apartment complexes, you can’t help but notice who’s surrounding you. 10.) It might have worked in high school Yeah, I’m talking to you in your light wash jeans and Hollister tank top. Nice layering job. I really like that blue beater you have on buried underneath your PacSun perfume. It matches your eye shadow. Oh, you’re an Aries? Your necklace is kind of a dead giveaway. Good thing you wore your Pumas! They’ll offer some nice support on your walk back to Helser at 11:30 tonight.

The Art Form of a Dorm Storm

Merritt Rethlake wrote this

Think long and hard back to freshman year. There you were, snacks in hand from the C-Store, minding your own business, loving WebCT for all its simplicity. You always had your door open because you didn’t live in Hotels Martin and Eaton, and you genuinely liked seeing the outside world and interacting with other people. Little did you know, you’re about to find out just how well ISU upperclassmen play with others. Sure, you’d hear them from time to time talking about their good ol’ days in the dorms. They did some crazy shit like pulling all-nighters in their dens while they moved the furniture around. But they’re older now, more mature. They’ve moved on from dorm life only to realize the one thing they want to do can only be fulfilled within a dorm. Now back to you – the lowly, unknowing target of one of the oldest traditions in the world.

room you start to hear random shouts. “RULE NUMBER 76, BRO! NUMBER 76!” What could be the cause for this raucous behavior? You know the sophomores on your floor went home for the weekend. Who else could get this rowdy?! And then you make the classic mistake of venturing to your door. You’re careful not to trip over your ethernet cord, and you peer around your doorway. Dear God. Not only are these hairy men shouting profanities about your sacred hall, they’re also naked. And carrying a…what is that? (Your freshman self has never seen a flabongo before.) You’re wondering how that pink contraption can be conducive to anything, and they’re wondering how to use it not only as a drinking tool but also as a weapon. Fire extinguisher. Bingo. The glass case is smashed right in front of your eyes. Your first instinct is to run to your CA. But you don’t. You play it cool because you’re on the Honors floor. So, instead, you just watch. And you observe, “How drunk are these people to accept the fact that while what they’re doing may be exhilarating and hilarious to themselves, it’s also creepy as shit?” You close your eyes to shield your innocence from whatever obscenity is occurring in the den. You know you’ve heard of this before. What’s the technical term for when upperclassmen purposely get annihilated to prey upon the freshman residence halls?

“These guys have been strategically saving all those 4 Lokos for this one night”

Dating back to ancient times, dorm storming has been a timeless act of social self-sacrifice. These guys have been strategically saving all those 4 Lokos for this one night. And while you’re tearing your room apart searching for your bathroom key, they’re throwing those death drinks down a beer bong, praying to God they make it to see the light of day again. After consuming enough alcohol to kill a class of kindergarteners, they dash across Lincoln Way and make their way towards an unforgettable night they will never remember. Holding true to all of your justified freshman naïveté, you remain curled up on your futon, clutching your Easy Mac while flipping between reruns of Punk’d and ISU News, keeping your fingers crossed that the fire alarms don’t go off again. And while this may be a typical Thursday night for your freshman self, it would go down in history as a cross-off-the-bucket-list eve for some drunk-ass group of guys. They’re getting closer now. The debate between whether to scale the walls or wait for a resident who can let them into the elevator becomes heated. Meanwhile, one of them starts passing out against the wall. Sitting in your

Finally their profane howling dies down and as they leave, you realize what you’ve just witnessed: a grade-A dorm storm. You shake your head as you admit it takes a lot of determination. Copious amounts of alcohol, life-threatening stunts across Lincoln Way and enough stupidity to get them both in and out of a dorm completely unscathed. What are their secrets? The secrets remain hidden with those who have perfected this art. But I’ll let you in on some classified information: Be bold. Be brave. And above all (for your own selfconscience) be blitzed. You wouldn’t want an adventure mishap tarnishing your pristine record.

9.) Yee-haw Are you going to a barn party? Oh. You actually are. Well in that case I guess you’re dressed perfectly for the occasion! I’ve always wondered how you choose from so many different types of plaids and flannels. That is a huge cowboy hat. But I suppose you have to balance yourself out somehow so that belt buckle doesn’t make you too bottom-heavy. Those boots look like they were made for walkin’. How much money would it take for you to let me write “ANDY” in Sharpie underneath your cowboy boot? Hey, stop walking away! You’ve got a friend in me. 8.) What the? You’re doing it wrong. A dumpster thinks more about its outfit choices than you do. Not even the finest pair of drunk goggles can see your wardrobe logic. I told you to look nice, and you put on freshly-pressed khakis and a red polo. High five if you’re trying to impress Grandma or the CEO of Target. I told you to dress it down, and you put on a cardboard box. I give up. 7.) I don’t give a f*** And we can tell! That gray on gray action is a real nice touch. I especially like the way all that sweat pant/sweat shirt material is soaking up your booze stench. It’s really making me want to hang around you all night. Did you really think beer pong was going to get so intense that you needed to wear athletic warm-ups? Rookie. Combined with the middle finger toss up, this outfit is as much a winner as Charlie Sheen. 6.) Aren’t you freezing? Don’t judge a book by its cover. Unless that book is wearing a crop top, mini skirt, and six-inch heels in sub-zero temperatures. How is wearing little-to-no clothing enticing at all when it’s cold and rainy outside? Holding that clutch over your head is going to save your hair as much as you screaming “OH MY GAWD MY HAIR!” will. That fake tan is starting to run off your body, too. That’s what you get for rubbing Cheetos all over your body before heading out for the night. 5.) Pants on the ground So you’re from Detroit? Oh, Urbandale. Same thing. They’re basically on the same level of ghetto, so it’s totally cool that you’re choosing to wear your jeans at your ankles, some jersey with a weird logo, white Oakleys and a flat bill. Just checking to see if you know you’re in Ames, Iowa. Everyone here is about as ghetto as Macaulay Culkin. But hey if you’re here, would you mind throwing down some sick beats? Iowans like music of the rapping style. 4.) School spirit I know what campus I’m on. I go here. I’d ask you to take off your sweatshirt to look less conspicuous, but I know the only thing you have on underneath is a free t-shirt from the UBS. 3.) Wearing the pants While not technically a literal outfit, we can appreciate it for its figurative fashion. It’s nice to see that you’re sporting the manliest of all accessories – that being, a man. It coordinates well with his lackluster gaze and t-shirt he got from The Maine concert. Tote on, my friend, because he’s not going anywhere. That ball and chain will be formidably forever in fashion. 2.) Don’t tread on me Or my Sperry’s. It’s perfectly fine if you step in a puddle of vodka. Your shoes were made for water-like conditions. Nice rage hat. That neon color really brings out your bloodshot eyes. With a frocket just big enough to house a can of Natty, your night can’t be beat. If I had a drunk girl for every Brooks Brothers ensemble in your house, you know what I would have? A lot of drunk girls. 1.) Classic drunk girl attire Fitted jeans. A top (not a shirt.) Possibly heels. And a cross-strap bag. This outfit is both fashionable and strategic. Jeans will keep you warm. A top distinguishes that you “got ready.” The heels say you’re a champ. And the bag proves you’re responsible and don’t want to lose any possessions in your purse – lip gloss, your iPhone, a possible pair of flats, a water bottled filled with… clear liquid and a beer-stained camera.

Merritt Rethlake wrote this

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History’s Finals Aces

Adam Carver wrote this

Since the dawn of higher education there has been an impenetrable door each student must pass through. That door is clearly labeled “Finals.” Final; a word that is so absolute by itself, but in collegiate terms it takes on an even deeper tone. To every Iowa State student out there, it means, “prove you know what the teacher was talking about.” One year after the dawn of higher education, methods were established as proper and respectable means to complete said finals with an exceptional grade. Studying is the optimal choice, but who has the time? So, using only the deepest history probing(and a very special DeLorean), I have uncovered the best attempts at circumventing actually studying for a test. Several hundred years B.C., a man named Barney Rubble switched his test with his pal Fred Flintstone. Flintstone gets promoted and the power goes to his head. Later, he realizes his mistake and accidentally invents concrete. His exploits were later adapted for the Lifetime television film My Neanderthal Husband Thinks He is a Genius. Fred was played by Steven Seagal. In the mid-1400s, a young man named Vlad was struggling to prepare for his hematology final. He couldn’t sleep for days, pulling all-nighters without getting anything accomplished. When an immortal offered to give Vlad unlimited time, Vlad jumped at the opportunity. Becoming the first vampire, his morning test became impossible to attend.

He flunked out of school and became the first McDonald’s employee to win Employee of the Month 12 years running. He later met a boy named Edward Cullen and helped him ruin Hollywood forever. At the end of the 1900s, a scientist in England created a potion that made him invisible. This invisibility made him the best tutor-for-hire for years. For a small fee, he would show you the answers by looking at the key on the teacher’s desk. When the British school system uncovered what he was doing, he was promptly executed and all his previous clients were required to retake that test, regardless of their age. We’ve all heard of the story of Kal-el, the illegal alien who won his citizenship by saving the world as Superman, but do you know why he left Krypton? Historians say it was because of the planet’s collapse, but he was actually ostracized for failing to learn anything. When he first arrived on Earth, he bullied others and flew around showing off. He became a symbol of hope, but it took him years to make up for the fact that his entire planet died waiting on him to give a damn and learn something. If history shows us anything, it might pay to just learn those 30 pages of notes and quit thinking you’re going to pull one over on the teachers. They’ve seen it all before. All Iowa State faculty are required to attend a seminar each summer to refresh themselves on new techniques students use to get around studying for finals. This keeps

the faculty well prepared for any cheating or scams. The class is taught by none other than Vlad, who draws on his 600-plus years of experience.

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Disney Princess of College

Do you remember yourself at age five? Who were your idols? If you’re a woman It’s pretty safe to say that you idolized Jasmine, Belle, Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty or Pocahontas. Maybe you wanted to actually be one of those Disney princesses. However, everyone grows up. While many of us still dream of meeting Prince Charming, we have some very different, and perhaps less wholesome, idols. Enter, the Disney Princesses of College: Ke$ha, Britney, Rihanna, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga. Don’t we all just want to go insane go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain? These ladies live the life that we all want. They set the trends and have that killer attitude. But like everything popular and in the limelight, it must be asked: what are the implications?

It would be a lie to say that there is no evidence of the fashion trends that these party-divas set. Blinding neon clothing isn’t just for blacklight parties anymore; it’s everyday wear. A new motto has made its rounds: “If it ain’t neon, it shouldn’t be on.” College girls across the nation are embracing glitter, ripped up clothing and S-S-S & M inspired apparel. (Ladies, please avoid the meat dresses.) It manages to be a little ‘80s, a little trashy, yet totally modern and entirely classy. Truthfully, we might as well dress like this; we’re only in college for four-ish years. More realistically, we can only look outrageous and somewhat promiscuous for a few years of our lives before we start losing jobs over it.

Tamara Bartlett wrote this

Not only do college girls dress like their favorite red carpet princesses, they’re imitating that attitude too. You’ve heard it before: “Sorry I party.” It probably started when Ke$ha said that to her teeth after brushing them with a bottle of Jack, but now that phrase is spilling out of every 18-23 year old’s mouth. As an added bonus, this phrase even impresses the hipsters; it’s a tad bit ironic. In all seriousness, it’s more realistic to say that “Last Friday Night” is a musical interpretation of your life. What girl hasn’t resurfaced one or more mornings just to go track down her wallet, friends, missing earring and her dignity? This attitude almost becomes a pride point. It’s awesome, obscene and in-your-face. We all like to pretend we’re a little rebellious, despite the fact that we take notes in class and call our parents every Sunday. We want to stick it to The Man, but without taking a stand. It’s a lot of bright colors and consumption. Most importantly, it’s damn fun and just wild enough. So what does it all mean? We might look a little crazy now, plus our street clothes don’t really transition well into professional situations. (Did you hear the one about the girl who wore neon high-tops and a rage tank to her interview?) Our potential children will make fun of us in 30 years, but that will happen no matter what we wear now. Our eyes might semi-permanently blind from the neon, and we’ll probably be eternally glittery. (You can’t get rid of that stuff.) Maybe we’ll grow out of it... maybe not.

@TBS_IowaState The Black Sheep at Iowa State

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Happy Hour Tuesday - Sat (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Friday Feast 14in specialty pizza plus a 14in one topping pizza and a 2lt soda for only $25.95!

$1 HOUSE SHOTS EVERY NIGHT!

THURS

Bottle Night $1 Off Imports $2 Domestics

$2 Off Any Pitcher (excl. OMBC) $2 Iowa Pints

Buy a 14in or larger specialty pizza and get a 10in Smotharella Sticks for FREE!

SKINNY DIPPING THURSDAYS $2 Long Islands, Sex on the Beach and Tequila Sunrise

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Friday Feast 14in specialty pizza plus a 14in one topping pizza and a 2lt soda for only $25.95!

STOP LIGHT NIGHT (look for the sign!) Green=$3 Redbull Vodkas Yellow=$2 wells and draws Red=$3 bombs

SAT

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Get a 16in two topping pizza and a 14in Smotharella Sticks for only $21.95!

Bacardi Dance Party 9-12 = $3 Bacardi drinks (Bacardi, Bacardi Limon, Bacardi O, Bacardi Razz) 12-close = $3 Redbull Vodkas

SUN

Free Pool and Happy Hour Pricing All Day and Night!

Happy Hour Tuesday - Saturday!

Get a 14in two topping pizza and 4 Bosco Cheese Sticks for only $14.95!

Closed

MON

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Check out website for upcoming concerts!

Buy any 14in or larger pizza and get a second pizza of the same size for FREE!

TRASH CAN NIGHT $1 Cans of PBR and BUSCH LIGHT!

TUES

$2 Captain Morgan Drinks

$1 Off Micro Bottles $2 Captain Morgan

Buy any 14in or large pizza and get a Smotharella Sticks of the same size for FREE!

THIRSTY PITCHER NIGHT $5 Fishbowls of Any Mixed Drink $4 Pitchers of Domestic Beer

WED

Happy Hour Prices on Pitchers All Day and Night!

$1 Off Pints of Olde Main Brews $4 Monkey Bombs

Triple Play! 2 12in one-topping pizzas and a 12in Smotharella Sticks and a 2lt soda for only $18.95!

KARAOKE NIGHT $2 Captain, Jack, Soco, and vodka drinks

FRI

Friday & Saturday: Happy Hour 4-6 Sunday Happy Hour All Day & NFL Sunday Ticket! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers

Halloween Weekend! Thursday (10/27) Breast Cancer Pink Party Saturday (10/29): Boobash, DJ Fito, $3 Rum and Cokes Monday (10/31): Halloween Masquerade $2.00 Drinks

WED: Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers! Free pool until 8

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone from 7p-midnight

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.00 Drinks til Midnight

Top Shelf Night 140 Different Liquors ALL $2.50 Single or $4.75 Double ALL Pints/Bottles $2.50 or Less 16oz Domestic Draws $1.50 16oz Well Drinks $2.50

2-Fer Thursday! 2-fer Wells (9PM-1AM) $2.50 Domestic Draws 11PM-1AM

THURS

$3.00 Captain and Coke

$3 Long Islands 2.75 Daiquiris $4.50 Pissed-off Japanese Minnow Farmers

Unfiltered Friday! $5 Regular Nachos (2PM-7PM) $3.50 Craft and Import Bottles $3.50 Blvd. Wheat $1.50 Draws and Keystone Lt.

FRI

$3.00 Jack Daniels

Happy Hour Specials until 8pm $2.75 Margaritas $2.50 Bloody Mary’s $2.50 Domestic Pints Checkout our FB page for the secret phrase and get half off your first drink!

Wing It Saturday! $0.59 Traditional or Boneless Wings & Gizzards $10 Domestic Buckets

SAT

Closed

S.I.N. (Service Industry Night) Employee prices for all those who bust their behinds for tips! Happy Hour all day and night for everyone else Free pool for everyone!

Sunday Funday! $5 for 1lbs. Chicken Legs $7 Keystone Lt. Pitchers (9PM-1AM) $5 Bloody Marys 9-1

SUN

$20 Union Sign Up (Save $10!)

Closed

$5 Pitchers $2.25 Jack Daniels Free pool after the Monday night pool league

Matamaros Monday $4 Margaritas (2pm - 1am) $5 Pork Fajitas $11 Buckets (Dos XX, Corona, Landshark)

MON

$4 Pitchers 6-close

$2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs

Free Pool (open to close) $3 Martinis (ANY vodka, ANY gin) $4.75 PBR Pitchers $2.25 Coronas or Red Stripes

Karaoke Tuesday $1 Tube Shots (9-1) $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi (9-1)

TUES

$0.50 Drinks til Midnight

Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers Free pool until 8

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone from 7p-midnight

WED

$2 Wells 6-Close $5 Growler Refills All Day!

Happy Hour 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Happy Hour 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Watch Every Game with NFL Sunday Ticket and Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine | $2 Off Appetizers

$1 Pints 5-close

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Bartender of the Issue

Adam Longtin - Okoboji Bar & Grill Red Light/Green Light: Green Light If you won the lottery, you would buy: The Packers The first thing you do when you get to work: Check the scores of all the games. The worst drink to make: Anything that involves a blender. Best Dollar Menu item: I do my best to stay away from fast food! Something that really makes you angry is: Angry Birds! The actor you’d pick to play you in a movie would be: Vin Diesel Your patronus would be: Definitely a lion.

drinking game:

jenga!

Before a night on the town, everyone needs some good, hard wood. Yes, guys too. So strap in and sit down for a game that can get real sexy in a hurry. We’re talking about Jenga, of course. What you need: Friends (or random strangers you find on the street, but hey, up to you), Jenga, a permanent marker, and any kind of alcohol you want. Number of players: Two or more. Intoxication Level: The stack of bricks won’t be the only thing toppling over. How to Play: -Grab your Jenga game and pull out the blocks. -Write instructions on each block with your handy dandy permanent marker. You can make them really simple things like giving out drinks or you can make them more personalized. -Suggested instructions: chug your drink; take a shot; kiss the person next to you; remove an article of clothing; spend the rest of the round making chicken noises; take the drink of the person to your left; lick your foot; make a rule. -Each person must pull a block out from Jenga and follow what it says. In the event that someone makes a rule, everyone must follow it or suffer the consequences (take six!). -After the block has been pulled and the instructions have been followed, the block must be placed on a top corner of the pile. -When the pile falls, the person at fault must chug the rest of his or her drink. The Game Ends When: The tower falls or people become unable to see straight.

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The best time of your life was: My years at Iowa State with all my brothers. Your favorite adventure at Iowa State: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. Favorite drinking game: I know it’s unoriginal, but beer pong is an absolute classic. The best thing about being a bartender: Hanging out with the regulars and having the best and random conversations with everyone else. The worst thing about being a bartender: Having to deal with people who can’t control their drinking.

recipe for disaster:

Hot Dog Mac and Cheese

Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you lunch? It was probably macaroni and cheese and a hot dog on multiple occasions. I bet you miss those days. Lucky for you, there’s a college kid’s version of it! What you need: Any box of mac and cheese, any kind of hot dog, a stove, a microwave, pepper (optional), tobasco sauce (optional), and bread (also optional). Cook time: Ten minutes. Tops. Fatty factor: This all depends on your meat to pasta ratio. It’s clearly carb and sodium heavy, but who cares? You can be healthy when you graduate. Let’s Get bakin’: -Turn on the stovetop. -Boil that water. -Add the noodles and wait for them to soften. -Drain noodles. -Microwave your desired amount of hot dogs on a paper plate. Maximum 1 minute. -Add your butter to the macaroni and stir until it’s mostly melted. -Add the provided cheese packet and stir. -Add the milk (for cheesier mac and cheese, add minimal milk). -Stir until it’s all nice and creamy. -Chop up your hot dogs into small pieces. -Add the hot dogs to the macaroni and cheese. Stir. -For some extra flavor, add your desired amount of pepper and/or tobasco sauce. -If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, grab some bread and pile on the Mac and Cheese. -Get a plate, and go at it like you’re about to be fucking executed. Or if you’re in the mood for something lighter and more hilarious, eat it in front of your friends and make panting noises as you chew. This lets them know how orgasmic it is. This recipe is awesome because it’s a throwback to your childhood. It’s cheap and affordable (ideal college kid foods), and if you decide to use the bread, it’s even going to help out your hangover!

s l a i c e p s t a e Gr all week!

Life as an Undergrad Zombie Chris Biagini wrote this With All Hallows’ Eve in the past, many of you may have dressed as zombies. Well, what if you were a zombie beyond that night? What if your next day of classes you arrived with an unnerving hunger for brains? How would your college life change? You’ll have to re-assimilate yourself in society and you’ll be an overwhelming minority. Personal Hygiene: This is something many college students already struggle to maintain, but you’ll be experiencing a lot of new problems specific to your unlife. You’ll have to cover yourself with makeup to hide the scars, dried blood and rotting skin that now covers your entire body. You’re also going to have to do something about that rancid corpse scent that follows you everywhere you go. This will require overloading on Axe, cologne or perfume, which will inevitably created its own odor, but an odor easier on the nostrils than your undead body. If you don’t already shower daily (and you probably don’t), now is the time to start.

chocolate shake with pickles. Unfortunately for you, it isn’t socially acceptable to eat humans (or parts of them). Stick to people food. Partying: Despite the fact that you are no longer truly living, you’ll be the life of the party. Everyone will be talking about you, taking pictures of you and running away screaming from you (though that last one’s not much different from your current situation). Whether you were a lightweight or a heavyweight, you can certainly handle your liquor now. You no longer have to worry about destroying your liver; you’re unstoppable. After your thirtieth or fortieth shot, you’ll become a frat-boy’s God. No one can touch you (mostly because they don’t want to). Enjoy the glory as much as you can because it won’t last forever.

“Despite the fact that you are no longer truly living, you’ll be the life of the party”

Classes: It’s hard enough to pay attention in class when you’re alive and well; things will only get worse as a zombie. You had enough distractions; that cute girl that sits a few rows ahead of you, whatever’s on the laptop of the guy in front of you, staring at the clock and of course, your phone. Now, you’ll also have to try to ignore all of the stares that you’ll be getting and ensure that you don’t go satisfying your incurable itch to eat a brain. Yes, they probably taste delicious, but you have to stick to human food. Eating on Campus: Food that once sustained your living cells (fries, burgers, every dessert you set your eyes on) may no longer be desirable to your stomach, but you’ll just have to deal with it. As already mentioned, you’ll be yearning to sink your teeth into a human brain more than a pregnant woman aches for a

Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi (9pm-1am) White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-midnight) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)

Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws • $3.50 All Craft / Imports Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar

d Bar

cke Fully Sto

Spacious Interio

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Love Life (or lack of): You used to date; you may have even had sex. Those days are behind you. It’s time to face facts. No one will sleep with you, no one. For your sake, I hope you aren’t a virgin because you’ll die (again) as one. Boy or girl, be prepared for porn sites filling up your browsing history (assuming they didn’t already). Failure: So you’ve failed as a zombie undergrad. That’s okay, you’re an effing zombie. If you can’t beat them, join them. Or in this case, make them join you. Unleash your inner (or outer) zombie and start biting away. Life sucks as a minority. Convert all of the student athletes and hipsters into your fellow zombie brethren and you won’t be alone for long. Hell, maybe you’ll finally get laid. After an all-nighter, whether it’s at the library or The Library, you may spend the day feeling like the walking dead. Be happy you aren’t, because life on the other side of living ain’t that easy.

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the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:

12 planet th

The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s

Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.

JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS

the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute. TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?

thanks for nothing, thanksgiving! Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.

12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals? 12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer, it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugarfree Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you

wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times. Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too. JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS

Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan

Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.

Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.

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Matt Kearney

the interview

We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney’s latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician?

Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on. TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew

CD REVIEW

Out Now

summer camp

Welcome to Condale

We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day.

When I think of the noun “summer camp,” visions of running around in a wet swimsuit, flirting with the boys in the older cabins and maxing out on popsicles is what floods my mind. The music that could be the proverbial soundtrack to all of that carefree nonsense is inconsequently from a London duo called Summer Camp who, despite only making music together for about two years, have managed to make their mark on the fuzzy-wuzzy buzzband circuit. And maybe because they look so good with that sunkissed glow. Welcome to Condale starts off with a great catchy pop tune “Better Off Without You” that sounds vaguely 80s but in the best, most genuine way. The album continues on in a similar poppy fashion, with spurts of interesting interludes like the beginning of “I Want You,” which sounds like the beginning of a dramatic movie scene and continues on with somewhat daunting lyrics and slow-downed techno beats. The British influence on the band is somehow more prominent during the track “Losing My Mind” where both members of the band come in for vocals, providing that nice texture of varying vocal styles. “Down” is another awesome, catchy tune that makes you want to do the running man in neon leg-warmers, like, so badly. Their stand-out track, though, is “Ghost Train” which starts off with a

B+

spoken break-up (“I wanna get hurt!”) and continues on into a beautifully orchestrated song that has all the makings for a summer romance. Or a winter romance—something has to keep you warm these days. Either way, this will be a track you’ll have on repeat and be so content about it. While the album does an overall great job with the music and the lyrics, it could stand for a little bit more diversity. The slower songs come at you like an unexpected wedgie, one that you couldn’t even laugh at later. But what’s great about Summer Camp is their unique sound, and that they own it. For seemingly ripping off any number of ‘80s band, this group plays it up perfectly without being forced or kitsch, yet still manages to put a hip 2000s spin on it that is as much refreshing as it is beneficial. To be able to strike that balance shows their legitimate talent, and is what gives me hope that this group will continue to do great things. Hopefully they’ll be back next year… please, please let them be back next year, but with smoother skin and no more braces. Sounds Like: Summertime in 1985. Download: Ghost Train, Down, 1988 Listen to it When: The cold is getting you down, and so is 2011.

that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gut-wrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally. TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone? MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose? MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.

the notebook, the horror!

Danielle Levings wrote this

If you’re a male I can only assume that you have been forced to watch The Notebook at least once. Maybe it was winter, your significant other wanted to snuggle and you just wanted to skip Library 160. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t? Or perhaps it was VEISHEA and your bros were plastered, looking for a laugh or two. Or maybe you’re actually a human and just wanted to watch a legitimately good movie with solid actors. No matter what the excuse, most males (though they would never admit it) have seen The Notebook. But what do they really think about it? Most dudes would rather be kicked in the nuts than actually admit to anyone that they liked a movie as chick-flicktastic as this. They will vehemently deny having even watched the movie, let alone enjoying it. Because c’mon, they’re not gay, dude. Of course this reeks of rampant homophobia. Though the movie has stellar acting, many males cannot get past the fact that it is, in fact, a love story. Trained to never show emotion, they couldn’t even think of watching a sappy movie because their brain would not register it as entertainment. If there’s no bloody, gory death or gratuitous nudity, it isn’t worth viewing. Then you have the guys who will openly admit that they liked the movie. Being a girl—a member of the softer, fairer sex—I might be a bit biased because emotions addle my brain, but I didn’t mind the movie. The story was cohesive, it had great setting and costuming, and the two main actors were very believable. And from what I hear, it’s true to the book it was based on, so that’s an added bonus. Some men will actually see the value in a well-told story, no matter what the subject matter. And fucking good for them! It shouldn’t matter the subject, if a movie is legitimately well-produced it deserves some props. They aren’t afraid of being labeled girly for watching whatever movie they please. And for that, I tip my hat to them. But the cherry on top of The Notebook trinity are the closet pussies. The guys that

go to the gym all of the time, scope out chicks at the bar and talk about how swole they’re becoming. They will cry like a goddamn baby if they watch this movie, hidden away from public scrutiny. Chances are they just want to be loved, but because they’re such complete and utter assholes no one would think of getting close to them. It is a vicious cycle that can only be broken by putting down the 4 Loko and picking up a book or getting some real friends. More than likely, neither of those things will happen, but we can only hope that they will one day stop living in fear of feeling something other than jacked, or jacked off. The Notebook is just a symptom of a larger issue; we’re far too judgmental over really stupid things. You like the scent of lavender? So do I, it smells like Jesus. You want to eat a Hershey’s? Who the hell doesn’t? If it doesn’t affect us directly, we shouldn’t care what other people are doing. Because in the end, we’re just wasting time that could go to far better use. Like watching The Notebook.

SHOUT OUTS!

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Yo, Zach, thanks for giving me that Happy Birthday, Mom! couch cushion! My girlfriend loved it! Waldo! Over the course of Tony, eating my frozen pizzas was not Halloweekend, I found you ten times! cool man...not cool at all. D, even though your mom is over 100 miles away you don’t need to yell on the phone for her to hear you. n though it may be a shock, we really could care less about your conversations, so please simmer Megan, have you seen your dignity? down. also, get over yourself and your You left it somewhere last “boyfriend” weekend... Brian, I really hate you for making me walk with that 40 year old man to the party Hey Danny, can you please give me Bruce, be more gentle my belt back? It’s not funny when my To the girl that yelled “WAS IT pants drop in front of my parents!

SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK

STOP LIGHT NIGHT

RED = $3 BOMBS YELLOW = $2 WELLS AND DRAWS GREEN = $3 REDBULL VODKAS

CONSENSUAL???” during my walk of shame. Thank you. That was funny. Jake - if you hookup in my room one more time when I’m gone for the weekend, wait til you see what I do to your bathroom... To the weirdo who writes “April Fools” in dog shit on the sidewalk, I may of shit on my shoes, but you have shit on your hands. April Fools. Sincerely, Normal Person Jackie, I told you being a dominatrix for Halloween would be the best decision you ever made! How did Loofah girl not win? How! I would take a shower with her any day of the week, even Sunday!

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A Very Guy Fawkes partyscope Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You have just the right amount of gonads to lead a revolution. Whether it be government-related, #occupysesamestreet, or a sexual revolution even the hippies would be jealous of, go and be the best Charles Manson you can be! (note: The Black Sheep does not support “drinking the Kool-Aid”) Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): We all just want to be loved. You especially, you needy bitch. But you know who will love you back? Batshit crazy revolutionaries and/or serial killers! Go find someone who will love your forever, and perhaps who will wear your skin as a dress. Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Your incessant need to talk can only help you in one area: public speaking. Hell, if the devil Michelle Bachmann can gather followers, so can you! Go ahead and bitch about tuition and pretend like the government cares. Cancer (June 22 - July 22): With your constant feelings of insecurity, you would make a fabulous crony. Try to find

someone charismatic to follow around like a puppy (and occasionally have some doggy-style fun with). Who knows? You might even end up in a polygamist clan with your own primetime cable show! Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): You attention seeking whoreface. *cough* I’m sorry I meant “big personality”. Everyone loves you! Which means they’re probably listen to you, even if you tell them to do stupid shit. Try out your power; can you get your friends to break in to your college’s Student Affairs office and wallpaper it with screenshots of one of Anna Nicole Smith’s “movies”? Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): To put it plainly, you are a pain in the ass. You would probably rather be bitching about your life than anything else. So I guess now you’ll just have one more thing to bitch about. BE HAPPY. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): You just wish everyone would leave you alone. Well if your pals are going to try and blow up a government institution, just hunker down in your nuclear bomb shelter and wait for the world to burn. There’s plenty of Internet porn to keep you busy for years.

YEARS. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You would describe yourself as ‘intense”. Your friends would describe you as ‘a raving bitch.’ I suggest finding an Aries, coercing them into sex, and then pretending to be pregnant so they will make you their right-hand woman in their new totalitarian regime. Oh, wait, you already did that once in high school? I’m so shocked. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Spunky and adventurous, you are the sneaky kind of uprising leader. You have a lot of friends and are well-liked, so just as easily as you slip in “hey, we should fuck” to a hottie and then carry on your conversation like nothing happened, you can start dropping nuggets of discourse. Example: “Hey man, how about that last touchdown? Our QB really pitched the WE SHOULD SHANK THE PRESIDENT ball at the last second, it was awesome!” Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Always the wannabe, never the leader. Robin, just accept that you’ll always be second best and go find

( class time )

your Batman, wallow in self-pity, and then sleep with a hooker to make yourself feel something after years of being numb to the world. No doubt you’ll get herpes in the process, but hey, at least you’re good at pretending you have a soul. Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You are motherfucking weird. Like, “I read Playboy only for the articles” weird. You probably have a lot of pentup anger, don’t you? Be your own one-man revolution and make a statue of Guy Fawkes entirely out of cheese as a symbol of your angst. Actually, you probably have already done that. Well, fuck, I’m out of ideas. Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Get out of your own head. Seriously, no one spends more time being confused for no reason as you do. You will most likely end up being a sex toy for a cult leader and then try to escape, but will end up with Stockholm Syndrome anyways. Have a great future!

madam levings wrote these

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