Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/09/11 - 11/30/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Mascot Identity Crisis Molly Carpenter wrote this None of us like to admit it, but here at Iowa State we’re all harboring a certain amount of mascot conflict within ourselves. I’m talking about that moment of hesitation when you’re about to cheer for your team, but suddenly can’t decide whether to shout “Go ‘Clones!” or “Go Cards!” You pick one quickly enough, but that moment of indecision has left you feeling uneasy. There’s nothing to be done about this; if the administration wanted to amend this mascot identity crisis, they would have done so by now. But why, you might ask yourself, do we call ourselves the Cyclones, yet allow an enthusiastic young man to dance around on the field in a cardinal costume? The official excuse states that a cyclone doesn’t make a good costume, but I refuse to accept such a pitiful justification. We can do better than that! Therefore, I took it upon myself to conduct extensive research into the history of this esteemed institution. I searched for the real reason behind this quandary, and found out, not to my surprise, that there’s a story behind all this. A story much bigger than you or I would dare to imagine. Prepare yourself for the dirty, dirty truth. The year was 1865. Iowa had experienced an unusually high number of tornadoes that year, or ‘cyclones,’ as they called them back in the day. The Iowa State football team defeated Northwestern, and it was a newspaper that first referred to the players as ‘Cyclones,’ setting into motion the fantastical series of events to soon follow. It all seemed perfectly innocent, until I did a little meteorological research, and discovered… the number of tornadoes that struck Iowa that year was a perfectly ordinary figure in relation to previous years! Why, then, would a newspaper think to compare the team to a tornado? Why not a tidal wave, or a raging bull? The answer is very simple: They didn’t think. Somebody was hiding behind the scenes of history, whispering into that newspaper editor’s ear, “cyclones-cyclones-cyclones…” Who was it that did the deed? Why, it was none other than current Iowa State president William M. Beardshear. Here comes the explosive truth: It all started in the late 1860s, Beardshear’s college years. One night, after losing a bet to his roommate Joey,
Other stuff
Inside
04: The Art Form of the Dorm Storm
How to remind a frosh that he still needs to stay in his place.
Beardshear was forced to promise that his first-born child would be named Cyclone. This might seem strange, but the 1860s were a crazy time, and “Cyclone” was actually an acceptable name back then, a kind of pre-hippie ‘tardspeak name of the 1800s. Normally such a promise would be frivolous joke to forget about, but, unfortunately for Beardshear, Joey turned out to be a very unforgiving man who took promises very seriously. He was the kind of guy who lived outside the law, a holster and gun around his waist. The years went by, and Joey grew impatient, anxiously waiting for Beardshear to get married and have a child. Soon the men were in their forties, and it became clear to Joey that Beardshear was just not the marrying type, doomed to remain stag forever (He had oddly shaped sideburns). Joey wouldn’t let Beardshear off the hook that easily, however. One night Beardshear was working late in his office at ISU, and Joey, who had been waiting behind the draperies for the perfect moment, finally snuck up behind him and put a gun to his head. In what I imagine must have been a sinister voice, he told Beardshear, “Since you ain’t never gonna have kids, you’ll just have to make this school’s mascot the Cyclones. Haha!” Joey then did the thing with your fingers where you point to your eyes, then point to the other person’s eyes, and was gone. Beardshear wept, for he could not seriously propose that the mascot be a cyclone! The shame, the ridicule! But then he thought of a plan. A very sneaky plan. One that would require him to change the weather of central Iowa. Now that the idea of having a cyclone mascot made sense, there was just the problem of the costume. Everybody would just think it was an ice cream cone. Beardshear hired the best and brightest costume designers to try to overcome this problem, but every single one simply refused to give it a shot. “It is impossible!” shrieked one woman as she stormed out. Beardshear wept bitterly for days on end. Luckily, Joey, peaking in Beardshear’s window, saw the pitiful state of his old roomie and decided to take pity on him, allowing a compromise to suffice. The rest, as they say, is history.”
09: The Disney Princesses of College Jasmine was so yesterday, she’s barely even sexy anymore.
14/15: the black sheep interviews:
Double trouble with Mat Kearney and 12th Planet!