Iowa State - 8/22/2011 by The Black Sheep

Fre frae...lik te e a rni ll t ty hat rus be h, w er ooh duri oo! ng

Volume 1, Issue 1 | 8/18/11 - 9/7/11

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Species analysis: the freshman Luke Elzinga wrote this

As another year starts at Iowa State the Freshman will once again invade our campus. Little do they know that the Freshman is easily recognized by veteran students. Super Seniors have even been known to smell the specimen from half a mile away. For the Freshman, its identity is not one it can completely escape. However, it can avoid embarrassment and gain respect by using a few simple camouflage techniques. The Freshman’s poor navigational skills, doubled with its new environment, are a recipe for confusion. Campus maps are required to familiarize the Freshman with its surroundings, but are one of the first indicators of the Freshman’s identity. An intelligent Freshman will study the campus thoroughly before classes, memorizing the immense trails and landmarks. If the Freshman’s memory ever lapses, campus maps can be accessed and searched inconspicuously behind the cover of a laptop computer. Backpacks are essential to the Freshman, along with the rest of the campus population. However, the Freshman utilizes the backpack at times that other students do not: weekend nights. At these times the Freshman converts the backpack from an academic tool to a weapon of mass intoxication. The Freshman travels on Lincoln Way to Campustown

Other stuff

Inside

apartments, house parties and other gathering places to consume alcohol with the masses. When questioned on its destination, the Freshman’s normal response is “the library.” If caught by authorities, the Freshman is issued a citation in the form of an MIP or Minor in Possession. To avoid detection and trouble, the clever Freshman “pregames” in the dormitories before leaving. This makes the trek easier at the cost of having to purchase a colored cup. If caught drinking in the dormitories, the Freshman faces a much lighter punishment than if out on the streets. In the academic environment the Freshman can be sighted in the front row scrawling notes quickly onto notepads. Unbeknownst to the Freshman, many professors post notes, slides and other materials online. An observant Freshman will scour syllabi for these important details. Although professors may seem like indomitable predators, most are helpful and understanding. That being said, the Freshman will quickly learn that it cannot get away with the bullshit it pulled in high school. Community living can kill a Freshman or inspire it to prosper. Now independent, the Freshman may be tempted to skip class, eat ice cream for every meal and organize dormitory

04: Welcome back to Ames

Summer’s just over, which means your life is about to begin.

shenanigans. Moderation is one of the most important words the Freshman can have in its vocabulary. Dining dollars can disappear faster than passing grades for the irresponsible Freshman. Those who indulge in green herbs should exercise caution when getting stupid high. Covert cannabis operations can be foiled by scent, sight, and sound. Skunky smelling hallways, bloodshot eyes and the sound of laughter during a Dane Cook stand-up are all obvious giveaways. The Freshman will constantly be surrounded by its own species in its habitat. Because of this, it is important for them to seek out the company of some of its older peers. These fountains of wisdom can be most easily found through student clubs and organizations. Common interests allow scholars of all class levels to converse, network and build relationships. As the Freshman steps foot on campus this year, it is entering one of the most influential habitats of its life. The Freshman must use sound judgment, self control and organization if it wants to succeed at the collegiate level. Camouflage can help shield it, but ultimately the Freshman must face its identity with confidence. And maybe, just maybe, pride.

07: one last Float Trip!

The Skunk River doesn’t live up to its name, so slide on down it, with a brew in hand.

15: the black sheep interviews:

Peter, Bjorn and John!

Table of

contents 6

Page 4

Page 6

Page 08

Page 13

From the Streets Are you ready to defend against zombies? Pics of the Week If you send us nudity, we’ll print it. (Maybe.)

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 16

Pizza Pit & Welch Ave. Station -- Great things go great together!

Call:

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• 82” HD TV • 11 Large TVs • Premium Sports Pkgs • 4 Pool Tables • 3 Dart Boards • Foosball • Big Buck Hunter • Clean, Comfortable

Page 17

Top 10: Foolproof Reasons or Excuses for a Hookup Um, because sex is awesome.

Over 2,000,000 Pizza & 500,000 Hot Sandwiches Served

TASTE the Difference!

The Evils of Fast Food Hint: It’s their racist commercials.

Pages 10 & 11 The World Famous Bar Grid!

The Perks of Central Campus Hey, it’s better than having a non-central campus. Pizza Pit & Welch Ave. Station - An Ames Tradition!

Fall’s in Your Face It’s right around the corner, are you ready for it?

See the Blacksheep specials grid for our

Daily Deals! • 20 Draft Beers • 60 Bottle Beers • 140 Liquors • DJ Every Night • Large Music Collection • Table Service Nightly • Full Portioned Shots • Drinks Served In Glass

Pizza as You Like It Dining Room seating for 100 Stop by: 207 Welch Ave. Clocktower/Campustown

Page Pic Three

of the

Issue!

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Letter to the editor Attention Cyclones: Welcome to your new favorite paper! My name is Brian Skalak and I am your humble Campus Manager of the Iowa State branch of The Black Sheep. The Black Sheep is your go-to guide for everything college. From drinking games, to beer reviews and hilarious satire of everything in between, we bring it to you fresh out of the minds of our top notch staff every three weeks. Our goal is provide students with a fun outlet for articles on things that they are actually interested in. We aim to be a college paper that is actually about college (who knew?!), so hide yo kids, hide yo wife, The Black Sheep is here to stay! Make sure to follow us on twitter @TBS_IowaState and “like” us on Facebook at facebook.com/ TheBlackSheepIowaState for updates and new stories. I think we are going to have a fun time you and I, now go grab another copy to take back to your hung-over roommate. Always remember, don’t be a black sheep, read it!

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THE ULTIMATE HYPOTHETICAL

QUESTION: If you could have any super power you wanted for a year at the cost of losing your non-dominant hand, would you do it? Which super power would you choose? Send your answer to hypo@theblacksheeponline.com, or reply on Twitter (@TheBlackSheep99) or Facebook.

! s m a r g a n A Sexy Can you guess these hotties? Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Abruptuous:

Dreary Nylons

Derby Rock Elk On

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: Suddenly becoming very attractive for no specific reason. “I don’t know if Karen got a new haircut or what, but she’s abruptuous.”

From 'da Streets

welcome back to ames, bitches

“If you had one weapon to defend yourself from a zombie apocalypse, what would it be and why?”

dee wrote this So you’ve been sitting on your ass all summer trying to figure out how to blow yourself without removing a rib. You probably have more booze than blood in your veins, and the last time you worked out it made you so winded you passed out for 3 days. Well it’s TIME TO GET UP, MOTHERFUCKERS. This is the school year. No more sleeping in until two in the afternoon; your hung over self is going to have to hop on the struggle bus and sit through Physics without passing out on your lab partner. No more god-awful reruns of Teen Mom, no more going to the beach in the middle of the day and no more pre-afternoon drinking. School is here, which means that we have responsibilities. I mean, it sucks, but you are paying ridiculous sums of money to pass out in Geology 101 (I did it too, it’s okay.) How are you going to make the transition? Day drinking. Just kidding, you need to start weaning yourself off of the Corona bottle now. Your liver can’t process 30 ‘Stones while you’re trying to do a calculus problem. Also, stop sleeping until four in the afternoon. Your body will self-destruct if you don’t learn how to sleep like a normal person. Get your books early and don’t wait until you’re halfway through the semester when you suddenly realize you have three midterms. Start figuring out what you want to do. Budget your time for clubs, homework, friends and getting plastered. It’s all about balance, my friends. Learn the drink specials during the week so you don’t blow all of your hard-earned summer job cash in the first three weeks and then silently cry to yourself afterwards. Buy condoms, just in case, nobody wants a surprise baby with that guy who looked much better with beer goggles on. So I guess ladies should learn to buy them, too. Don’t be a lazy ass and leave your apartment in disarray. You have to live with these people for 9 months, so you might as well make your gestation period as smooth as possible. Pick up your garbage, do your dishes and for the love of god, shower. No-

“A shotgun, because it’s massively destructive.”

Brent H., Senior

body wants a roommate who smells like patchouli and lost innocence. And please, please buy deodorant. Leftover perfume from that floozie you blasted does not count. Don’t let your laundry pile up until you literally have nothing to wear. No one wants to sift through beer-stained button ups and glitter covered skirts to find something acceptable to wear in public. Wear clothes that doesn’t make you look like Lady Gaga’s challenged cousin. Rage jerseys are not acceptable for class and neither is a combination of leggings, Uggs and North Faces. Seriously, do you want to look like a fluffy, burnt marshmallow? I didn’t think so. And ladies, unless you are hopping on the Whore Express, copious amounts of orange makeup and crusty mascara is not attractive. Lighten it up a bit because simple is pretty. I promise. If you use these guidelines you should be able to survive the school year without failing or picking up any STDs. Unless you’re stupid, in which case TITS OR GTFO. Good luck!

"Your liver can’t process 30 ‘Stones while you’re trying to do a calculus problem"

Read more at theblacksheeponline.com

“A kamehameha wave. It looks freaking cool.”

Alex L., Junior

“A katana. Blades don’t need reloading.”

Carl D., Junior

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Autumn is Coming at You Adam Carver wrote this Football is only a few weeks away from taking over your life. Wait, you didn’t know? I’ll wait for you to catch up. Yes, summer is over. Put down the Wii, pick up them books there and get your sequined pants to class. Each year, the fall season (and semester) creeps up on many of us, but to those who pay close enough attention to the signs, it isn’t so unexpected. Like conspiracy theorists, I avoided all social interaction, drinking, food and sleep to bring you this (probably) illegal list of signs of the next apocalypse recession end of summer. These signs are everywhere. Rather than bore you with my comprehensive manifesto, I’ll skip the more minute details for the most obvious. After all, that 8:00AM class doesn’t give you the ability to detect nuance. I’ll save the wee details for after you have that first Monster energy drink. Numero Uno: Remember back to that summer job you had at Taco John’s this year when they start really pestering you about your availability for the next 3 months? That’s summer declaring its last call. David, your coworker who claims to be the manager, went to night school so he’ll be sure to remind you everyday that your classes (or as he likes to call them “a waste of time”) start up soon, leaving the adults to work for a living. Now you don’t mind those labs that go to 9:00 each night, do you? I thought that would help. So get those last big thrills before classes eat up all that sleeping-in time. I suggest hitting the Iowa State Fair since it has always been my favorite way to end the summer. Numero Dos: Sweet corn is EVERYWHERE. All the groceries are hawking it like poinsettias at Christmas time. Every other street corner in Ames is selling corn on the cob or fruits and vegetables from the farm. This is Iowa: The Land of Corn, after all. If you missed that

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driving in from wherever you were living this summer, you didn’t get enough sleep before you drove in. I mean, the movie Children of the Corn takes place and was filmed here. Without corn, all us Iowans have is Captain James T. Kirk, and he isn’t supposed to be born for another 200 years. So, get some corn. It’s high in fiber, promotes the local farmer and it’s only in season during the fall harvest. Numero Tres: This one is my favorite. The mall, the movie theater, just public places in general all change. All those pesky, ill mannered teenagers are gone because school has started for them, too. Their parents aren’t dumping them off somewhere public-- like North Grand Mall for instance-- as if it’s a daycare for hormonal teenagers. All those naïve high school kids are absent from all your favorite stores. The likelihood of shopping and not seeing a dozen boys who resemble Justin Bieber is almost guaranteed. The less apparent signs I’ll save for another time. After all, the teacher is seconds away from catching you reading this. He or she knew the summer was ending, that’s why they look so healthy and well rested. That’s what happens when you see the signs.

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it’s not too late for one last float trip!

Colin Grace wrote this

The Supply Run “Where can we get enough alcohol to put down Amy Winehouse? How about something buoyant and cheap enough to keep a 270 lb man-child afloat for three hours in an environment where my abhorrent body odor and lack of social decency are acceptable?”

It was only a few short weeks ago that I returned from my annual pilgrimage to the most holy and sacred of shrines to binge-drinking devotees: the Apple River. It is a place littered with empty beer cans, stray beads and exposed cleavage- a true paradise. I won’t bore you with the details (okay fine, I don’t remember the details), but suffice to say, the Apple River will remain a fixture on my summer calendar long after I’m “that creepy old guy”.

Looks like you’re going to Walmart, kiddo. They have everything. Everything. This includes your new inflatable raft, a dirty thirty of Natty Ice, pogo sticks, sombreros, Starter jackets, and a plastic flamingo-soon-to-be-beer-bong. Make sure to also purchase lengths of twine or rope to lash your tubes together. FYI, the Walmart on Duff Avenue features a McDonald’s. That is justice. The Outfit Now this part can get a bit tricky, but generally the more ridiculous, the better.

No matter where you are, Float Trips should occupy a spot on any respectable college student’s bucket list during the start of the school year. It is a chance to feel Mother Nature’s sweet embrace, enjoy the company of close friends and get shitcanned on a cheap floatie.

Tight fitting, pastel tanks are always acceptable for the males. A straw hat and faux-Ray Ban sunglasses can really bring the whole look together. Retro, snapback baseball caps are a healthy substitute for the straw hat, and DIY jorts just scream class.

Right here in Ames we have our own little slice of watery heavenThe Skunk River. A trip is easily planned and, if properly executed, a highlight of your academic career. The basic steps toward a successful trip are:

For the females, well, just wear something you don’t mind destroying. Between the inevitable mud fight, questionable water impurities and varying beverage spills, wearing your Sunday best isn’t exactly the brightest idea. Again, a quick run through

Someone you know is planning her future.

Walmart’s clothing aisles might be the key to saving your day-today wardrobe. The Float After gathering your supplies and organizing your sober drivers, it is now time to hit the river (I included directions to the Skunk River entry point and Peterson Pits drop point- you’re welcome). A couple things to keep in mind while floating: don’t be shy about starting a sand-bar rager! Sitting in a tube and drinking in the sun can be tiring so sandbars are a perfect place to step off for a while to rest… or more actively binge drink. We won’t judge, and neither will anyone else on the river. For a fair warning, you WILL encounter rapids. The important thing to remember when negotiating rapids is to plank out: lifting your butt out of the water enough to allow the rocks to pass beneath you, unless of course you enjoy the sensation of your ass-cheeks being pounded into oblivion (again, not judging if you do). If you have bound your tubes together adequately, you should come out the other side of the rapids unscathed, and still securely connected. Lastly, be friendly! Chances are other people will be out on the river for the day, and they’ll be looking to have a spectacular time as well. My encounters with random strangers have accounted for several of my cherished memories, so allow them to become a part of yours! Happy floating!

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New in 2011 U.S. Bank ATMs on Campus!

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Happy Hour Tuesday - Sat (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

TUESDAY: Buy any 14in or large pizza and get a Smotharella Sticks of the same size for FREE!

$1 HOUSE SHOTS EVERY NIGHT!

THURS

Bottle Night $1 Off Imports $2 Domestics

$2 Off Any Pitcher (excl. OMBC) $2 Iowa Pints

Buy a 14in or larger specialty pizza and get a 10in Smotharella Sticks for FREE!

SKINNY DIPPING THURSDAYS $2 Long Islands, Sex on the Beach and Tequila Sunrise

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Friday Feast 14in specialty pizza plus a 14in one topping pizza and a 2lt soda for only $25.95!

STOP LIGHT NIGHT (look for the sign!) Green=$3 Redbull Vodkas Yellow=$2 wells and draws Red=$3 bombs

SAT

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Get a 16in two topping pizza and a 14in Smotharella Sticks for only $21.95!

Bacardi Dance Party 9-12 = $3 Bacardi drinks (Bacardi, Bacardi Limon, Bacardi O, Bacardi Razz) 12-close = $3 Redbull Vodkas

SUN

Free Pool and Happy Hour Pricing All Day and Night!

Happy Hour Tuesday - Saturday!

Get a 14in two topping pizza and 4 Bosco Cheese Sticks for only $14.95!

Closed

MON

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Check out website for upcoming concerts!

Buy any 14in or larger pizza and get a second pizza of the same size for FREE!

TRASH CAN NIGHT $1 Cans of PBR and BUSCH LIGHT!

TUES

$2 Captain Morgan Drinks

$1 Off Micro Bottles $2 Captain Morgan

Buy any 14in or large pizza and get a Smotharella Sticks of the same size for FREE!

THIRSTY PITCHER NIGHT $5 Fishbowls of Any Mixed Drink $4 Pitchers of Domestic Beer

WED

Happy Hour Prices on Pitchers All Day and Night!

$1 Off Pints of Olde Main Brews $4 Monkey Bombs

Triple Play! 2 12in one-topping pizzas and a 12in Smotharella Sticks and a 2lt soda for only $18.95!

KARAOKE NIGHT $2 Captain, Jack, Soco, and vodka drinks

FRI

The Bar Grid Friday, Saturday, Sunday Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers

Tuesday: $2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs

WED: Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers! Free pool until 8

Patio Party Wednesday $1 Burgers and Hot Dogs (7-midnight) $10 for 10 Tickets Bags on the Patio

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Wells 6-Close $5 Growler Refills All Day!

$5 Mugs Wells $3 Mug Domestic Beer $2 House Shots

Top Shelf Night $2.50 Singles, $4.75 Doubles All Pints/Bottles $2.50 or less!

2-Fer Thursday! 2-fer Pork Tenderloins 2-fer Wells (9-1) $2.50 Domestic Draws 11-1

THURS

$2.50 Captain & Cokes Guest DJ

$3 Long Islands 2.75 Daiquiris $4.50 Pissed-off Japanese Minnow Farmers

Unfiltered Friday! $5 Regular Nachos (2-7) $3.50 Craft and Import Bottles $3.50 Blvd. Wheat $1.50 Draws and Keystone Lt.

FRI

$3 Jack and Cokes $2 House Shots

Happy Hour Specials until 8pm $2.75 Margaritas $2.50 Bloody Maryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s $2.50 Domestic Pints Checkout our FB page for the secret phrase and get half off your first drink!

Wing It Saturday! $0.59 Traditional or Boneless Wings & Gizzards $10 Domestic Buckets

SAT

Closed

S.I.N. (Service Industry Night) Employee prices for all those who bust their behinds for tips! Happy Hour all day and night for everyone else Free pool for everyone!

Sunday Funday! $5 for 1lbs. Chicken Legs $7 Keystone Lt. Pitchers $5 Bloody Marys 9-1

SUN

$20 Union Sign Up (Save $10!)

Closed

$5 Pitchers $2.25 Jack Daniels Free pool after the Monday night pool league

Matamaros Monday $4 Margaritas (2pm - 1am) $5 Pork Fajitas $11 Buckets (Dos XX, Corona, Landshark)

MON

$4 Pitchers 6-close

$2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs

Free Pool (open to close) $3 Martinis (ANY vodka, ANY gin) $4.75 PBR Pitchers $2.25 Coronas or Red Stripes

Karaoke Tuesday $1 Tube Shots (9-1) $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi

TUES

.50 cent Wells and Draws til Midnight

Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers Free pool until 8

Patio Party Wednesday $1 Burgers and Hot Dogs (7-midnight) $10 for 10 Tickets Bags on the Patio

WED

Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers

$1 Pints 6-close

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Bartender of the Week Lindsay Solomon Headliners Relationship Status: Single Major: Fashion Worst Drink Ever: Three wise men gone hunting in Mexico – Jameson, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Jose Cuervo, Bacardi and hot sauce. What kind of tree would you be? Maple, because I’m sweet What super power would you most like to have? Flying, easy Strangest thing that you have ever put in your trunk? Myself Most amount of people that you have seen throw up in one night? 5 What would you do with a time machine? Go 50 years in to the future Craziest thing that you have ever done for a drink? You don’t want to know Dare Shot: Bar Mat Shot (a shot taken from a bar mat) Favorite Drink: Limon and water Favorite Shot: Tutti Frutti Jolly Rancher- Malibu and Cranberry

drinking game:

stacks

recipe for disaster:

Bugle Nachos

Are you willing to bet your laundry money on your quarters skills? If you are, stacks will appeal to you, kinda like that four-toothed hottie you stalk at the laundromat.

Bugles, the highly addictive salty treat, are a versatile snack. Much like a blank canvas, Bugles can be dressed up in lovely ways. Here is one of those wonderful ways.

Number of Players: At least two. What You Need: A bunch of quarters and some beers. Intoxication Level: That pre-teen’s gonna look stacked.

What You’ll Need: Nacho Cheese Bugles, queso, shredded cheese, ground beef. Cook Time: About 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: 100% of your recommended daily sodium intake is an understatement.

How to Play: -Stacks is played on a standard table, have all players sit around the table. -Place one quarter in the center of the table. -Each player takes turns attempting to bounce another quarter so it lands on top of the quarter in the middle of the table. -If a quarter stops and is touching the center quarter, the player doesn’t have to drink. Stack the touching quarter on top of the middle quarter. -The game continues in this manner. If a player misses the quarter, they must drink. If the player’s quarter ends up touching the quarter (or stack of quarters), place it on top. -As the stack grows, the game becomes more difficult. -If the stack falls, the player causing it must drink one drink for every quarter in the stack.

Let’s Get Baked: - Cook up the ground beef on the stove top. Add in some delicious spices. - Warm up some queso in the microwave, but it only has to be lukewarm. - With a spoon, fill each Bugle with queso. Put them on a plate like nachos. - Add the ground beef on top of the Bugles. Sprinkle with shredded cheese, then pop it in the microwave to melt the cheese, about 45 seconds. - Of course, you can add any amount of nacho accessories; green onions, black olives, jalapenos, salsa, guacamole, sour cream… mmmm.

The Game Ends When: The group decides to put the quarters towards a Taco Bell feast.

You can always make double or triple layer nachos, depending on how patient you are with filling the Bugles precisely with queso. Also try dipping the Bugles into the queso. This way, you’ll get most of the queso on your fingers, which you can then decadently lick off.

s l a i c e p s t a e Gr all week!

the evils of fat, i mean fast food

dee wrote this

I have a love/hate relationship with fast food. The greasy dripping goodness fills my taste buds with joy until I feel horribly sick and curl up in a ball of death. I’m also on a diet, so it could be considered a forbidden fruit, but not really. Unless I’m drunk, then it’s SUPERDOG ALL THE WAY. But what I’ve noticed lately is not what the food does to my intestines, but the commercial in which they are presented. Henceforth, I give you a bold but oh-so-true statement: FAST FOOD COMMERCIALS ARE RACIST. Let’s look, shall we? McDonald’s: I have only two points to make. 1: When was the last time you saw a white person in a Mickey D’s commercial? 2: The background music is always rap. Always. Straight-up blatant pandering. I do not feel like saying “pineapple” when you say “mango,” I just want to sip on my smoothie in peace. And not hear generic black dudes rapping about crappy food products. Wendy’s: 0% minorities in their commercials while soft, hipster music plays in the background. Uppermiddle class white people talk about their hometowns in Colorado or Massachusetts while wearing boat shoes and button ups. COME ON, PEOPLE. And they only promote super-honkey things, like Wild Berry Parfaits. Just call it berry ice cream, it’s the exact same thing.

Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas • $11 Buckets of Corona or Dos Equis • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots • $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi Patio Party Wednesday • $10 for 10 tickets (7-1am) • $1 Burgers and Dogs (7-11pm) • Bags on the patio! 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints

Unfiltered Friday • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $5 Regular Nachos • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws • $3.50 All Craft / Imports Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light • $5 Bloody Mary Bar

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Taco Bell: Diversity Combo: It’s Super Effective! Always a white dude and a person of color. Also, no chicks, unless they’re taking an order. They tend to cater to the college-aged kids who are super stoned and want to liquefy their insides with twelve 50-cent tacos. There is generally a super awkward high-five or bro-pound somewhere in there, because I show my friendship by awkwardly smacking them in public. Hoorah. So I guess girls don’t eat Taco Bell, and everyone has a token minority friend. Burger King: Maybe not racist, but what is wrong with their commercials? Burger King caters to crazy-ass people of all shapes and colors who think that some dude in a melting crayon mask with a crown is going to deliver them decent food. Seriously, those commercials give me nightmares. I do not want to ‘wake up with the King’ because that just means he was courteous enough not to murder me until I opened my eyes. Long John Silver’s/ Popeye’s: Real Homecookin’! An inviting, large black woman tells you how delicious her fried food is; just like mom used to make! Ebonics included. It’s pretty offensive to…everyone. Seriously, what self-respecting actress would agree to that job? And who even eats at Long John Silver’s anyway? Anything but their hush puppies will give a patron painful diarrhea for at least 3 days. Domino’s: Now, I really love their new pizza. It’s delicious. However, their new commercial is ridiculous. They show reviews in Times Square, as if anyone cares that much about their pizza. Bitches just want food. But the real comedy lies in the people. The two main characters are a butch lesbian and a Hispanic man. Named Jose. So original. They get this girl who sounds like Ellen DeGeneres and a dude with a really thick accent because their powers combined will garner an image of diversity for Domino’s! Right? Wrong. Give me a barely-there high school drop-out who actually works and Domino’s and then maybe I’ll believe you. Everything else is pretty okay. Except for Papa John’s, which just has nasty ass pizza. I mean, you can see the grease dripping off of the cheese. I just puked in my mouth a little thinking about it.

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Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide

We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan

Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister.

Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.

Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh.

Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a Planned Parenthood dumpster.

Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunk-influenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.

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the MUSIC page

The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago (where they’ll be playing four shows between August 24th and August 29th), with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like “Young Folks” change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% “screw it” and 50% “let’s not screw it up.” Having a hit in the genre of “indie-pop” --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, “confusing.” For us “the hit” works like a carrot on a stick, “Young Folks” has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

JAY Z / Kanye West

Watch the Throne

C+

what's the big deal about a throne, anyway? Guys, life just isn’t fair sometimes. While some of us are begging our parents for new North Faces (that vomit smell just never really goes away), others are wistfully requesting a stainless steel mini-fridge and a bitchin’ new TV. You may glare at these people as they move into your dorm or apartment complex, hating how new their shoes look and how carefree they are. But later that night, when that minifridge is hosting a bunch of cold, free booze and that TV is pumping out some quality music videos, you realize that you really wouldn’t mind being friends with these people. Sure, comparing some over-privileged 20-something boys doesn’t really work when comparing them to two insanely successful rappers like Jay-Z and Kanye West but, damn it, I want to be their friends, too. And it only makes sense that two of the biggest of all time would collaborate on Watch the Throne just to show off how fucking cool, popular, and loaded they are. They tell us, “Hey, you mignons down there! Watch that throne there, because our asses are going to be in it because we are the greatest rappers/people alive.” Well, then. There’s no doubt that they are great rappers, but do they live up to their own hype? It’d be easy to look at the couple of really awesome songs on this album and write it off as stellar. The intro song “No Church in the Wild” conveniently features buzz-rapper Frank Ocean of OFWGKTA, whose talent is actually showcased as

opposed to just some wacky antics of his usual rap collective. “Otis,” the first single, samples Otis Redding and gives the listener an immediate sense of hearing something great, simply because it’s not the same ole’ DJ-produced beats in the background. Both Jay and West’s lyrics are so smooth, quotable and on-point that this song is the perfect blend of vintage beats and witty 20th century lyrics; “Luxury rap, the Hermes of verses / sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive.” Of course, we can all laugh at some of the misses on this album. Beyonce’s pathetic yet well-intentioned attempt in “Lift Off” makes me think she begged J to give her a sample in his cool new album (sorry, B.) A lot of the songs on Watch the Throne are easily missed, though; generic beats, fast rapping and Kanye’s signature grunting just blends about half of the album together. While the not-so-good songs make the really-good-songs that much better, it’s strange how the tracks on this album range from amazing to just plain. Whatever, I only use them for their loud bass and their free beer, anyway. SOUNDS LIKE: Dulled down gold grills. DOWNLOAD: Otis, No Church in the Wild, Made in America LISTEN TO IT WHEN: You’re playing “Otis” on repeat at a welcome week party.

TBS: What’s the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You’ve shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you’re not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.

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the perks of

central campus Luke Elzinga wrote this Many streets in Ames derive their names from famous Iowa State alumni: Stanton, Beach, Mortensen, Chamberlain and Hunt to name a few. The busiest street in Campustown is named after Iowa State’s first president, Adonijah Welch (who I’m sure would be most proud to see it on any weekend night). Welch also has another legacy at Iowa State, and that is his vision for an open, central campus. Today, students are still reaping the benefits of this decision. But how much can you truly do with a big section of grass? Well, let’s see… Invented by horny preteen boys on the brink of puberty, “people watching” has become an acceptable past time which provides fun for the whole family. Instead of strictly ogling sweater muffins like their predecessors, people watching enthusiasts now observe the entire population. Even girls claim to occasionally engage in this phenomenon these days. Central campus is a fantastic place to people watch due to the heavy foot traffic and scattered cliques of friends. The aim of people watching is to observe the mannerisms and appearances of your subject(s), and then slowly combine it with your imagination. Make up life stories, relationships, aspirations or whatever else you might fancy. Chinese students stick together like glue and are especially easy to people watch because you have no idea what they’re saying. Might as well make shit up. Lounging on the lawn can be extremely relaxing. Having stayed in Ames for the summer, I took time to soak in the rays while reading some classic sci-fi (I’m kind of a nerd). And guess what? Those rays are still showering down on central campus. “But Luke, I’m completely dependent on technology. I don’t have time to go outside!” Iowa State IT has your back, son. That flagpole’s not just for freedom flying. Wireless internet flows throughout central campus so you can get that pasty, white skin some much needed UV rays. Just be sure to put on your sunscreen unless you want to be redder than an Ag Major’s neck. Central campus is a great place to study during the school year and there’s always some eye candy around whenever you need a break. The Campanile is one of the best known landmarks at Iowa State. It is also home of one of Iowa State’s largest and longest running traditions. When the clock approaches midnight, it’s time to pop that breath mint and work on your making out skills. Mass Campanilings occur at different times throughout the school year, but don’t be afraid to Campanile whenever your love sick heart desires. Privacy leads to a better, more fulfilling make out session. And why stop at first? There’s still a few bases to be rounded and plenty of foliage nearby. It’s been said you are not a true Iowa Stater until you have Campaniled, so get out there and get busy, freshmen. One of the most popular uses for the vast, green space is Ultimate Frisbee. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules of “Ultimate” (that’s what the kids are calling it these days), you’re probably incredibly rich, and you spend time playing games that poor folk don’t even know exist (What is drootball?). The great thing about Ultimate Frisbee is that there isn’t a specific number of players. The size of the playing area is also easily changed for maximum game-play intensity. In fact, I find it hard to believe there has never been a massive game encompassing all of central campus. Get on that, Frisbros. Everyone knows the first week of classes is a joke, so take in some time on the central campus. You’re not going to have any homework, there are literally thousands of new people to meet and the weather is still fantastic. Get your ass out there because fall is right around the corner and there’s not much time left until that first snow hits.