F-It Friday #21 by The Black Sheep

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, May 27th, 2011 ISSUE 21

THINGS I DID

While the Playstation Network Was Down

PAJAMA JEANS A SIGN OF THE IMPENDING APOCALYPSE

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WTF OF THE WEEK

BOBS BY SKECHERS

GIRLS DON’T POOP A POEM BY A BRO

The Black Sheep Interviews Jeff Atencio of

“Who’s That Hot Ad Girl?” EVAN VANDERWERKER wrote this Jeffrey Atencio is a guy with answers.The question is to what questions? Well, let me paint you a picture: you’re sitting next to your buddy on an old couch, probably eating a bag of off-brand cheese puffs. (Cheesy Poofs? Again? Really?) Then, all of a sudden, that cute pitchwomen for Progressive Insurance comes on the television, shrieking about any random bargain she has decided to dole out. Yes, you can save hundreds of dollars by switching to Progressive, but more importantly, thanks to Jeffrey Atencio, co-founder and creator of the Who Is That Hot Ad Girl? website, you can find out Flo’s real name, too. Without further ado, I bring to you my interview with, his majestic majesty, weighing in at an unspecified amount, Mr. Riding-On-The-Wingsof-Justice himself, Jeffrey Atencio. (And, no, he did not know that was going to be his introduction.) The Black Sheep: To start off, I think it is pretty obvious that when people are visiting your site they are interested in one thing. That thing they are interested in, which is obvious let me point out

again, is to know more about you. So, Mr. Jeffrey Atencio, tell me a little bit about you. Jeffrey Atencio: Well, I am based out of New York City. I started this blog with my friend Steve on Super Bowl Sunday. After watching all of those commercials on, I pretty much became obsessed with finding some of these actresses on the commercials. I was thinking of “Googling” them and trying to find their names, and I figured that, after doing all of this research, it would be beneficial if I could share this with everybody. So, on Super Bowl Sunday I put my first post up, and, you know, it just launched. TBS: Let me paint you a picture: You are sitting around the swing set during elementary school recess, chatting with your fellow 3rd graders about existentialism, the potential duality of nature, and, most importantly, your aspirations. Were you that kid that said, “I want to track down attractive women”? JA: [laughs] Well, I have to say that first this started with two CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

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commercials for me. One was this Taco Bell ad that I first saw on ESPN. I looked at this girl in the ad and I said “This is not a girl who works at Taco Bell. There is no way this girl, this hot girl is working at Taco Bell making tacos and burritos. And, after a quick search, I found out that people were obsessed with this girl on various sports message-boards. So, I did some research and found out her name and there was this big following for her. The other commercial was a commercial for the iPhone. One day [Steve and I] decided we needed a website where we can find out who these girls are in these commercials. That’s really how it all started, we just got obsessed about finding out who these attractive actresses and models were. There wasn’t a place where we could go and check out all of these commercials, and there are thousands of them. I am a big sports fan, and I watch ESPN all day, and it constantly repeats the same commercials over and over again. TBS: So, to put this as gently as I can: you are sort of a customer representative for people having trouble “shopping in the lady department.” What makes you so qualified? JA: You know what, I am kind of good with the internet and I know how to search stuff. I have a good grasp of researching things. I have ways of figuring these things out, and I don’t want to give away all of my secrets; but, we kind of know where to find professional models or actresses. We have access to special databases, and I have a few contacts that have given me some leads that I don’t think anyone else has. It’s kind of a combination of me knowing my way around the internet and having the best places to look. TBS: And, what makes a girl “hot”? Is it in the eye of the beholder? Is there filtering? JA: I guess its just personal taste. If my friend and I think that they are around an 8, 9, or 10, we post them up. If it’s questionable we put it out there on our Facebook or Twitter, and ask whether or not a person deserves to be put on the site. We get tons of messages everyday, and if we get the same request over and over again for girls in commercials, we deem them worthy of putting on the site. TBS: Personally, I cannot go a day without seeing some devilishly attractive male that I admiringly fancy. What do I tell The Black Sheep online readers: the pre-teen, yet ambitious, females wondering the names of Justin Bieber’s back-up dancers? Is there a plan to accommodate their curiosity? The population curious in “hot ad boys,” that is. JA: Yea, we’ve gotten requests for something like “Who Is That Hot Ad Guy.” We’re not going to do that [laughs]. As a dude, I don’t think I’m qualified to answer the attractiveness of a hot ad dude. So, we’re going to leave it up to somebody else to come up with that one. [Editor’s Note: Ding ding ding, I think I know someone who is qualified...] TBS: Okay, so tell me this, then: what is the ultimate goal for the site? In other words, what does WITHAG look like in the best case scenario? JA: Yea I think that what it all goes to is that it will showcase some of these unknown actresses, and I’m hoping that it will leave them with better recognition in the industry. There isn’t really any other site that profiles them in this sort of way. I kind of want to end up interviewing these actresses and models. We want to give it room for different spaces, and allow for variations. It doesn’t have to be “Who Is That Hot Ad Girl,” it could be “Who Is That Hot Ad Cheerleader” or, guess-star actress. We are trying to get this one off the ground first before we try something else. Who Is That Hot Ad Girl, or WITHAG for short, is a one-stop shop to get your questions answered, and if you want to submit your hot ad girl, we are more than willing to put it up. It’s a fun site to go to. Check out Who Is That Hot Ad Girl, at whoisthathotadgirl.tumblr.com, and follow it on Facebook and Twitter!

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Things I Did While the Playstation Network Was Down About a month ago, the Playstation Network was taken down by a group of hackers. Though the attack wreaked havoc on millions of users’ lives worldwide – resulting in the loss of sensitive data such as names, addresses, passwords, and credit card information – the worst aspect by far is that we were all unable to play Call of Duty multiplayer for weeks. This led to an increase in productivity in aspects of society that have not seen such a surge since October 29th, 2003 (the release date of the first Call of Duty.) Here are but a few things that I have managed ever since I lost the ability to play Capture the Flag on Nuketown. 1) Watched Every Episode of Modern Family to date How have I gone this long without knowing about how good this show is? I like to consider myself as one who stays up to date with the things that are on TV and in theaters, but this one must have slipped my radar. The writing is excellent, the acting is great, and even though there isn’t a CoD style Zombie Mode on the DVDs, they do have Ed O’Neil, which is absolutely a plus in my book. 2) Walked My Dog Like...A Million Miles Did you know they still make sidewalks? Guess what – they do, and they are totally down to get walked on. And even if your town has laws to make people clean up after their pets, if no one sees you walking away from a steaming pile of doggy logs then it is totally not illegal to just leave it there. 3) Drank Approximately $700 Worth of Alcohol Turns out that the outside world continues to function even when something as devastating as losing your favorite aspect of video gaming befalls you. Bars still open; people still go to them. So I met up with some friends of mine, and we went out partying. Who knew that hanging out with your friends in a situation that didn’t involve virtually killing them could be as fun as hanging out with them in a situation that did? 4) Laundry I’m not sure if this section needs any clarification. Surely I’m not the only one that has resorted to the sniff/feel test regarding whether or not a shirt is clean enough to wear again a few days later. Obviously, this test does not apply to jeans, because jeans are almost never too dirty to wear. But the amount of free time I’ve gained without PSN has resorted me to washing clothes after only ONE or TWO wearings! I’m serious. This must be the unplugged life. 5) Got Married I guess I should mention this, huh? I know everything in this article prior to this point might make me seem like I’m not the perfect candidate for this, but she apparently loves me. What?! All I know is that I’m super lucky. Not only did I gain the perfect woman with whom I get to spend the rest of my life, but Playstation Network came back online not long afterwards. Life is good.

J. EVAN CURRY wrote this

Pajama Jeans: A Sign of the Impending Apocalypse

JACLYN HIRSCH wrote this

So the potential rapture has come and gone but I’ll still admit, sometimes I worry too much about a near apocalypse. I have always just figured that eventually scientists would accidentally create a super robot intelligent enough to overtake the entire world, end humanity and become our electronic overlords. It’s the reason why I never rely too heavily on appliances (I don’t want to give them any advantage). This always seemed like a far away scenario to me, because I don’t honestly believe my generation is smart enough to engineer anything that powerful. We spend too much time drinking. And then last night, I was watching VH1 and I saw a commercial for Pajama Jeans. At first I thought it was a joke, because how could humanity have manufactured something so pointless (also because they bear way too close of a resemblance to 30 Rock’s mock product Pajamaralls). But no. It turns out Pajama Jeans are actually available for purchase. And what is most disturbing to me is that droves of people are apparently willing to buy them, because now they are a nationwide bestseller. And if that many people are really stupid enough to spend good money on Pajama Jeans, then it is going to be way easier than I thought for the robots to control us. Which clearly means that the apocalypse is coming any day now. For starters, what is wrong with normal jeans? They are available in basically every size imaginable, and you can buy them for practically as cheap as you want. If you care so much about looking like you are wearing jeans …wear jeans! Pajama Jeans boast that normal jeans are uncomfortable and hard to put on, which would make perfect sense to people who wear jeans lined with glass shards, or that are six sizes too small and probably need to use a forklift to stand up anyway. But to the rest of us, who somehow manage to buy jeans made with a cotton or polyester blend in our correct size, this point makes no sense. Here’s a suggestion to people wearing uncomfortable jeans: buy different jeans. This is not rocket science. But lets say for arguments sake, you don’t want to wear jeans, and you would rather wear pajama bottoms. Why can’t you just wear pajama bottoms? Or sweat pants? What kind of person is determined to wear pajamas, but only if they look like jeans? Why do these have to be related at all? I wear jeans. I wear pajama bottoms. Call me crazy, but sometimes I wear neither jeans nor pajama bottoms. And miraculously, I’m never bothered by my inability to wear both at the same time. Because I can’t think of any activity that would require the use and function of jeans and pajamas at the same time, they are separate sphere of use clothing items. Somehow, I manage to survive in this world. And if that weren’t bad enough, “If you order now, you will receive free with your Pajama Jeans a gray crew neck t-shirt to help complete your designer look.” I’m not claiming to know what’s “designer” these days, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t disguised sweatpants and a blandly colored t-shirt. My advice to everyone with a brain is to be on the lookout for people wearing Pajama Jeans, and if you see one, do yourself a favor and start collecting supplies to survive the end of the world. I’m getting a year’s supply of canned food and water and barricading myself in my basement. See ya!

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WTF of the Week: Bobs by Skechers ALEXANDRA ROSE wrote this I have few qualms to pick with charitable causes. Yes, sometimes they may come off as a way to make celebrities look like do-gooders, but the fact of the matter is that charity really does make the world go round. However, as I walked into my local shoe store the other day to discover the latest attempt in helping the less fortunate, I was somewhat appalled and embarrassed by the gimmick, but mostly shockingly tickled. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Bobs by Skechers. First of all, I can think of fewer companies more god damn obnoxious than Skechers. Their shoes were “fashionable” for maybe .2 seconds when I was in third grade, and even then they were heinously unacceptable. Ever since then, I have not seen a pair of Skechers to date that has been remotely appealing. Their ad campaigns are atrocious, they still make backless sneakers, and they are the proprietors of “Shape Ups,” the ugliest fucking line of shoes on the market. Also, if you think that wearing them will tone your butt and thighs, you are an idiot. Go to the gym. That being said, Skechers is continuing to live up to their reputation of shittiest shoe company. Coincidentally, I went to Shoe Gallery yesterday to purchase a pair of black Tom’s Shoes for my work. I refuse to wear hideous non-slick sneakers, and while they are a bit pricey, Tom’s seemed like a good, comfortable choice of footwear to purchase if I planned on being on my feet all day. Plus, they’re for a good cause and all that jazz. Seriously though, I do admire the concept of Tom’s “One for One” campaign, not to mention the shoes are modeled after those worn by Buddhist monks, making them comfortable as shit. However, I digress. So I go to pick up this pair of Tom’s, and as I’m looking for my size, I realize that I’m actually looking at a line of shoes identical to Tom’s called “Bobs.” I think to myself, “Bobs... what moronic sales rep decided that was a good name to call their Tom’s knockoffs?” But that’s not even the best part. I then come across the display sign that reads: “Bobs by Skechers. Skechers will give two pairs of shoes to children in need when you buy a pair of Bobs. Helping the world.” And then I think to myself, “WTF.” I find this pitch by Skechers laughably wrong on so many levels. First of all, they completely copied the idea and style of the Tom’s Shoes. But forget about that, there are surely plenty of Tom’s knockoffs, and knockoffs of pricier designer shoes are no new

concept. But second of all, and most importantly: Wow, what the fuck, you corporate assholes. This is the most transparent attempt at charity I have ever seen. It simply reeks of the desire for profit. This is what I imagine went through the minds of the brilliant CEO’s over at Skechers: “Okay, so we need to brand ourselves as “green” and “charitable,” because that’s what’s in right now, and there’s these Tom’s Shoes, which are really popular with the kids nowadays. And we make shoes too! And so we should copy this entire business model, but we need a different name. Got it! Bobs. Perfect. So edgy. But wait... our brand is only targeted at wannabe milfs over the age of 40, how can we make the hip young gen switch over to Bobs? Oh, duh, we’ll just donate two pairs of shoes for every pair bought! We’re somehow a successful corporation with the funds to execute such a marketing ploy, so we’ll just one-up the company that was started out of compassion and authenticity. We’re fucking geniuses.” Except they’re not geniuses. The release of the Bobs line of footwear led to a whole shit storm of opposition, mostly from loyal Tom’s customers disgusted with their blatantly obvious rip off. And that’s the best part. Their “intent” of distributing these shoes for a good cause (the charity that they work with is called Shoes4Soles) completely backfired. What they failed to realize is that while customers value a good charitable donation, even more so they value an authentic desire to do good.Yes, Skechers may claim to donate 2 pairs of shoes for every one pair bought, but they missed the part where they needed to target the customers’ heart, not their wallet. So do yourself a favor. If you’re aching to buy something that will help someone else, buy some Tom’s. Support a good cause. And don’t ever buy anything by Skechers.

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Beer Review

Movie Review

The Hangover: Part 2

Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Zach Galifainakis

This morning I woke up on my friend’s couch with no pants on. Forced to try to piece together the previous night’s events with a spinning head in my still drunken state, I realized how awesome it was that I had a hangover from seeing The Hangover: Part 2. Our favorite wolf pack is back for another installment of hungover, drunken debauchery in the sequel to the all-time highest grossing R-rated movie, The Hangover: Part 2.

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Girls Don't Poop : A Poem

Brewery: North Peak Brewery Co. Name: Sinous Celtic Ale Grade: A

The Beginning: I like North Peak Brewing Company. I’ve had a few of their offerings and they’re pretty fair-to-middling, and I’ve got a soft spot for the short, round, Red-Stripe-esque bottles. This is a newer beer from North Peak, with the Loch Ness monster as a label-figure. Since my company has brought in one of our employees from Scotland this week for training, I figured that nothing went better after a day of hearing a Celtic accent than tasting a Celtic beer. (OK, look, I try to come up with a connection for all these beers, and they can’t all be gems, so lay off!)

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BROETRY KING wrote this

This message I am about to relay Comes from the ever-wise Calvin Drey. So listen to what I have to say.

I took her out to Runza for lunch. Then gave her some prunes on which to munch. And the Funyons I fed her made quite the crunch.

Girls are different from the male troop. From Oprah, to your mother, to Betty Boop, According to Calvin, girls don’t poop.

It was time to see with my very own sight. Unless Calvin’s theory was actually right, My girlfriend was guaranteed to shit tonight.

I felt compelled to ask the question. What is so different about their intestine? I deemed this worthy of time to invest in.

Later that evening I eagerly waited. A female poop I anticipated. I begged that she wouldn’t get constipated.

So I pondered the question like a science nerd. Call this crazy, call it absurd. But I had never seen a female turd.

“I have to use the restroom,” she said. A rush of adrenaline ran to my head. But I acted calm and just laid in bed.

What if what Calvin said was true? To the average guy, this concept is new. But what if slam pieces never do make poo?

She entered the bathroom rather fast. I waited by the door as a few minutes passed. Then I barged into the bathroom at last.

I developed a plan that was a tid bit reckless. But seeing a girl poop was first on my checklist. So I fed my girlfriend oatmeal for breakfast.

My girlfriend screamed like a lobster when you boil it. Holding a plunger as if afraid to soil it. That damn bitch had just clogged my toilet!